Arbor Day (1990) Movie Script
You're doomed! Doomed!
Arbor Day.
Arbor Day...
Hmmm?
I wonder what he meant by "Arbor Day"?
Arbor Day.
I can tell you about Arbor Day.
It happened a long time ago.
In color.
It started out
just like any other day.
Honey, honey, please wait.
Whew!
Do you think well find a
swell place to plant our tree, Daddy?
Sure Elm.
The woods are full of great places to plant trees.
Well look for the best one, and well plant that baby!
Gee, Arbor Day sure is neat, Dad!
Well as a botanist, I think its pretty neat, too.
Honey, honey... would you like me to take over?
Oh no dear. Im feeling as strong as an ox.
Damn E-R-A.
Daddy...
What is it, Elm?
Why does mommy
have so much hair on her face?
You should see her pits.
Ill be alright, really, really Im OK.
Alright, relax.
Im gonna be OK. Im gonna be alright.
I told you not to wear long sleeves
Ohhhh boy.
Deep breaths...
Alright...
Im gonna be OK. Im gonna be alright.
Well maybe next time
you wont fill your pockets so heavy
you didnt need your wallet
you didnt need your keys
and you dont need spare change in the forest!
Hey cats, you dropped your bags.
Happy Arbor Day!
Thanks!
Wow, this must be our lucky day.
This sucks.
I gotta work on fucking Arbor Day!
I hate this fucking job.
Bingo!
Bingo.
Ah shit.
Howdy folks!
Hi Mr. Forest Ranger! Happy Arbor Day!
And a happy Arbor Day to you, too!
Say that sure is a beauty!
You know when I was your age
me and my daddy planted a tree just like that one.
You know that trees still standing there today.
Sometimes I go back and look at that tree...
Its like a piece of my past.
How come youre not planting trees today?
Well Elm,
Mr. Ranger has a very important job.
He has to make sure the forest the forest is safe
for all the campers.
Speaking of safety, you folks remember
we share this forest with our animal friends.
Respect the woods, and itll respect you.
Thank you Mr. Ranger, bye!
Bye bye now, and you folks have a happy Arbor Day.
Assholes.
There.
That oughta do it.
You know Elm, I think we picked a perfect location.
Theres rich topsoil, ample
sunlight & plenty of water.
All the ingredients necessary
for a plant to grow up healthy.
Wow! Our trees gonna last a
hundred million, zillion years!
Ha ha ha.
Well Elm, I dont know if it will be here that long
But it should be here for years
for us to come and enjoy it.
Look Daddy, a man in a bear suit!
Look Daddy, a GRIZZLY BEAR!
Come here, lil fella. Cmon...
Ive got a nice fig newton for ya.
Good boy!
Here ya go
C'mon. C'mon. Thats good.
Please Daddy I'm scared!
Relax Elmer, its only a little bear.
What do you think a bear is
doing in this part of the woods?
Hes probably just a little hungry.
Hey you know, it is mating season
Hes probably hungry for a little love.
Honey, not in front of Elmer.
Please Daddy, please!
Ah Elm, this guys been around humans so long
hes probably tame as a kitten.
Please daddy! Please, please!
Relax Elmer.
Your father wouldn't feed the bear if it wasnt safe.
Cmon Elm, hes probably more
afraid of us then we are of him
You watch this...
ELMER! RUN!!!!!!!
No!
Please!!!
Strange case with this Jacobs boy.
As a youth he witnessed his
parents being mauled by a bear.
His father was decapitated.
And they found traces of bear semen
in his mother's mutilated body.
God! What a horrible story!
Poor child.
Yes, and to add to the tragedy
the event occurred on Arbor Day
making the holiday unbearable.
Poor kid.
Imagine...
not being able to celebrate Arbor Day.
No, no.
Oddly enough the only day
of the year that his brainwaves
show any change is on Arbor Day.
The rest of the year he remains in a catatonic trance.
What the HELL is that?!?
Its the New York Mets, Doctor.
"Its the NY Mets, Doctor." The NY Mets.
And tell me missy,
Who are the mets playing their next home game, hmm?
The Cubs.
Who?
The Cubs, Doctor.
"The Cubs, Doctor."
The Cubs, Doctor.
The Cubs, Doctor!
And I take it you intend to remind poor Elmer
of his early childhood trauma, hmm?
Why dont you just run up to him and say,
"Look out Elmer, theres a bear behind you!"
Dont you realize the mere mention of the word bear
can prolong poor Elmers recovery?
Now exercise your sensitivity
and change that channel!
Its soft and luxurious
helping to create a fire
danger level that is elevated
press conference with George Bush.
That's better.
We now return to our regularly scheduled program
So youre saying that the only
day that Elmer's brainwaves
show any change is on Arbor Day?
Yes, yes I did say that.
Well, correct me if Im wrong doctor but
isn't tomorrow Arbor Day?
Why yes. Yes it is.
We better prepare some type of restraint
as a protective measure.
It pains me to have to have to chain up
such a poor human being like this.
Well if you ask me
all these freaks should be chained up
just like animals
'cause thats all they are.
They aint no human beings.
Mr. Briggs
I thought I told you to mop up all of C-Section.
Maybe you should attend to your job
or I'll attend to it for you.
When youre through with that
then you may return and clean Mr. Jacobs room.
Have it done by midnight.
Yes, sir.
Oh and Briggs
In the future Ill thank you
to keep your uneducated comments to yourself.
You know, he hasn't been the same
since he had his neck slammed in that car door.
Well some just dont understand
that crazy people are people too
they just need someone to look out for them
and take care of them.
Its two o'clock, doctor.
Ooh I'm late.
Well if it isn't the freak.
Hi Freaky.
Whatcha starin' at?
Huh?
Whats the matter? Bear got your tongue?
I know all about you freaky
And I bought you a present
Yeah, a surprise.
Look here.
You like it?
Happy Ar-Bear Day Freaky
Looks like your Daddy wasn't the only one
who lost his head that day, huh, Freaky?
And I bet your momma loved when that bear...
Hey! I was only kidding!
I really didn't think your momma enjoyed it!
I swear!
Hey, I'm sorry. Im sorry. I didn't mean it.
I swear! Im sorry!
Hey, Elmer...
This is really taking a lot out of me.
Every year when the leaves turn green
You wanna blow off school, you wanna let off steam.
Cause you hate your job and you hate your old man
they dont wanna ROCK! They dont understand
that its ARBOR DAY
A time to grow
'Cause its Arbor Day
A time to reap what you sow.
My fruit is ripe and my branches strong
And I'll plant anybody who does me wrong.
Now I got some beer and I got some weed
What better day to plant my seed
than on ARBOR DAY
A time to grow
'Cause its Arbor Day
A time to reap what you sow.
Sometimes you gotta stand up
for the things that you believe
Stand as tall as trees
Kill the enemies like weeds!
So I prune a bush in my baby's park
and my stem is hard, I want to make her bark.
'Cause she cuts my roots and she sets me free
She taps my sap like a maple tree.
And its ARBOR DAY
A time to grow.
'Cause its Arbor Day
A time to reap what you sow.
Arbor Day
Hey Pitbull
how much longer 'til we reach this place?
Jeeze Stace, I dunno.
Last time I was out here I was so high on angel weed
It seemed like it only took ten seconds.
Well we better get their soon
because my feet are killing me and Im starving.
Well hey Jen, I got some nuts...
Charlie youre such an asshole!
Whats the matter?
Cant you take ze joke?
Good one!
Hey Stacey, chuck on some tunes.
We interrupt regular programming
for a special bulletin.
A crazed lunatic has just
escaped from the South Oaks
insane asylum. Police warn
he is extremely dangerous
and was last seen heading towards
God!
All they play is news and commercials these days.
Hey Stace what's with those two?
Theyre so creepy and they don't talk to anybody.
Just leave them alone. Theyre ok, they're just shy.
Look, sis!
A perfect specimen of Salt-spray Rose!
Ooh thats a beauty, Bobby.
And look at the symmetry of the veni-structure!
Now thats a marvel of
vegetive nutritional transport.
We'll have to put this one in the scrap book.
C'mon you two, join the party!
Hey we gotta be close.
I remember bumping into this stump last time.
Eureka!
This way dudes!
Boy, Pitbull
the way you sniff out drugs
you should work at the airport.
Im telling you, Detective
weve got to find this boy and quick!
In his mental condition
there's no telling what he might do.
Yeah, I'm inclined to believe you, Doc
after what he did to the attendant.
What was his name? Briggs?
Figures I gotta spend my Arbor Day
tracking down some psycho.
Please hurry, Detective.
I'm afraid he might be in some danger.
Suicidal tendencies are quite
common around the holidays.
Well no offense, Doc
but Im a little more worried
about the other 4 billion people out there.
Voila!
I told you I'd find this place.
This place is awful.
Yeah, its kind of creepy.
I dunno, I kinda like it.
It makes me feel right at home.
Don't worry, Sunshine.
After a few lines of my mystical guru powder
this place will look like the Taj Mahal.
I dont know guys, this place doesnt look too safe
the floors could be rotten. We could all get hurt.
Are you kidding, sis?
This building is at least fifty years old.
It must have been built
according to the old building codes.
I bet it's still as solid as a rock.
What's this kid know anyway?
You can believe him
Hes a whiz at calculus, biology, physics...
Not to mention mechanical engineering
psychology and chemistry.
Chemistry?
The only thing I remember
about chemistry is that time
I brewed up some wicked mushroom dust
for the Ted Nugent concert.
C'mon, trust me.
Hey you kids! RUN! RUN!
It's not safe!
The place is evil!
You'll all perish!
You're doomed! DOOMED!
Yeah!
And a Happy Arbor Day to you too, pal!
Im starting to have second
thoughts about this place.
C'mon Smiley Face. There's nothing to worry about.
Holy Shit!
Look at this!
Jacobs? Who's that?
Wasnt that the guy that invented
blackjack moon rocks?
No.
But I remember that name
from one of my history text books.
As I recall, it had something to do with Arbor Day.
Bingo, kid!
Twenty years ago, Elmer Jacobs watched
his parents being mutilated
by a grizzly bear.
Now, hes a basket case in the looney bin at South Oaks.
Every year on Arbor Day his power grows.
And one day he'll escape
and come back to the only place he knows.
This house.
And he'll come back
for revenge.
Hell come back
TO KILL!!!
Charlie you IDIOT!
C'mon guys, let's go in the house
before that nut comes back.
Hello.
Yeah hi Honey, its me.
Listen, I'm afraid I'm gonna hafta work late tonight.
But Honey, its Arbor Day.
I just put the turkey in the oven
and Juniors been waiting to plant that tree all day.
I know Honey. Dont you think
Id rather be out planting a tree
with my son than chasing after some whack job?
I'm sorry, dear.
Its just that Arbor Day has
always been so special to us.
Yeah Im sorry too, Honey.
But sometimes a mans job has gotta come before
his turkey dinner
Even turkey with stuffing and brown gravy
on a bed of corn niblets in butter
and mashed potatoes with pearl onions
and tender glazed green beans
smothered in Hollandaise sauce
and a hot peach cobbler
with a scoop of french
vanilla ice cream and cool whip.
I also maid some triscuits and cheese whiz.
Well, maybe just a little nibble.
Holy horror show, man.
Aye caramba
they neeed 'ze new cleaning lady.
Uhh, this place is a mess.
Oh my god.
Whoa, the maids on vacation.
This is NOT the Taj Mahal.
You can say that again.
Stop it, dont touch anything.
This is disgusting.
This place is filthy
And the lights dont work.
Pitbull, why did you drag us out to this shack?
Dont worry, Jen.
In just a few minutes,
you'll be able to see by the light of my silvery bong.
Hey Pitbull, why don't you try one of these beauties?
Whoa! Mintoid, Dude!
Whoa!
Charlie!
Maybe I'll just go look for the circuit breaker.
Considering this house is over 40 years old
it would be safe to assume a fuse box
would be located in the basement.
Well thank you Thomas Alva Edision.
This kids a regular Whine-stien.
Hes just trying to be helpful.
Yeah Charlie, lay off!
Alright, look kid
Im sorry.
I'm not such a bad guy.
Lets shake.
Aye caramba, Charlie
Aye yai yai yai aye.
I guess I'll check the cellar.
irritating laugh]
Fuses! My lucky day!
No one understands poor Elmer
No one understands.
Beneath that whacko killer
Theres a frightened,
gentle man.
Denying people the love they need
is a selfish thing to do.
If we're not sharing
and not caring
Perhaps we're killers too.
Behind every killer
Theres a heck of a guy.
Heck of a guy
And behind every cloud
Theres a bright blue sky.
After coldest winter
comes the warm thaw of spring
warm thaw of spring
So take that troubled bird
underneath your wing.
So to criticize poor Elmer
is unjust and unfair.
Besides your parents were not
killed by a grizzly bear.
So there.
Im telling you shes dead!
It was horrible!
Her viscera was smeared all over the basement.
Stacey always had a lot of guts.
Charlie, this is serious.
OK if you dont believe me
come downstairs and see for yourselves!
Bobby!
If you dont believe me
Come downstairs and see for yourselves.
Na na na na!
Let Charlie P.I. investigate!
I'm not going down there.
Come on. I really wanna see that viscera thing.
Really.
Oh my GOD!
It's freezing down here.
I swear!
She was just here a second ago!
Hey Pitbull
I think Bobby's been getting into some of your dope.
You better check your Shangri-La pills.
See if ones missing!
Hey, major uncool, squirt.
This isn't very funny, Bobby.
What the hell was that?
I dunno.
But it came from over there.
What's the matter Charlie?
Afraid of a little kitty cat?
Oh hes so cute.
Hey, Ive seen cuter pussies
in my lifetime.
Good one, Pitbull!
I'm gonna call him Scruffy.
I'm going to call you
ze numbskull!
Lets go upstairs.
Stacey's probably outside somewhere.
Hey, the fusebox!
And fuses! My lucky day!
Lets go upstairs!
Stacey's probably outside somewhere!
What's wrong?
No viscera, man.
Uhg. C'mon already.
Oh her viscera was smeared all over the basement.
Boo hoo hoo!
You gotta be kidding me.
Body hunting sure makes me thirsty.
Yeah, I'm kinda parched myself.
Anyone want a brewski?
No thanks, Champ.
I got my own.
Nah, I'll have a soda though.
Here's your soda.
Thank you.
Charlie!
Holy smokes! What are those kids still doing there?
I warned them! The house... it's evil!
Evil is everywhere!
Upstairs, downstairs
there's even a little bit under the sink there.
What are they doing? Those kids, they never listen.
The only way they'll their lesson is
when that crazy killer comes.
Then they'll know. And don't come crying to me
when that happens cause I told you and you just
wouldn't listen.
Holy smokes, that one there is really crazy.
Whats he got on his hat there?
Look at that one with his wild hair...
he must be a Rock & Roller.
I hate those kids!
Those kids with their rock & roll and their
blue suede shoes
they need a good Finnegan pin
that's what they need!
Hail Mary, who art in heaven
hallowed be thy father, uh.
Give us this day our daily bread
and uh, a little butter, too.
Amen.
Ahh, thank you, Honey. This stuff looks great.
You must have been in the kitchen all day.
Oh these peas look good.
Yeah, you know you can't work a case on an empty stomach.
Thank you, thank you.
Boy this chicken looks terrific!
Would you like the last piece?
I dont know if I should.
Ah, what the hell, it's Arbor Day.
Gee Rachel,
Your brother is ze loco!
I dont know, this is so unlike him.
Something must have given him a pretty bad scare.
Well a little shot of my lightning lotus liquid
should calm him right down.
I dont know you guys, its getting kind of dark out.
I wonder where Stacey is.
Yeah. And Scruffy's missing too.
Gee, Im getting kind of worried.
Im gonna go out and look for her.
Scruffy?
Scruffy?
Scruff?
Scruffy?
Scruffy?
Scruff?
Ya crazy cat!
Scruff?
Scruffy?
Scruff?
Where are ya?
OH GEEZE!
Help!
HELP!!!
HELP!!!!!
Charlie! Cut the shit.
Its not funny anymore.
Help me!
HELP! HELP! HELP!
He ran out of gas.
You ran out of gas!
You ran out of gas!!!!
He ran out of ze gas!
I dont know, Jen. Maybe there is something wrong.
I mean, first that weirdo
and now everybody is disappearing.
Wheres Pitbull?
Were all alone in this deserted house.
Hello, Operator?
Can you get me the police?
Seventh precinct.
No, seventh precinct.
I'll wait.
Hello, seventh precinct?
Its just the lights.
Yes, can I speak to Officer Bradley?
Hi snuggles.
Of course.
Do you miss me?
Just me and Rachel.
All alone
in this dark old house
with nothing to do.
Say, what time do you get off?
You're already off?
Why dont you and Jimmy Hamilton
slip on by here?
You have a date?
What do you mean you have a date?!!!!
What is some whore you busted
out in front of the coffee shop?
No you shut up!
You wish!
Thatll be the day!
I wouldnt call for your help
if there was a homicidal maniac trying to kill me!
I hate you!!
OOH I HATE YOU!!!
I think Ill go see what Bobbys doing.
Bobby?
Bobby?
Bobby?
Bobby?
Bobby?
Bobby?
Help with this!
What are you doing, Bobby!
The way Stacey's organs were torn out
would indicate a creature of super human strength.
We'll need something to combat this aberration.
Stop talking that nonsense.
The only psycho here
is the one you've created in your subconscious.
Then please explain. Where is everybody?
I dont know, theyre around somewhere.
No they're not. Theyre dead! I know it!
Bobby, I promise you they're ok.
I'll go upstairs and find them right now.
Please dont go, sis!
Alright Bobby, relax. I wont go anywhere.
Im gonna find the bathroom.
This place gives me the creeps.
Who's idea was this anyway?
Looks safe enough.
Hello? Anybody home?
A bathroom!
with a light that works!
And a mirror.
Its still disgusting
like everything else in this house.
You asshole!
Whats up, Jen?
You scared the shit out of me. Where the hell you been?
I was just out back whipping up some pleasure pills.
Care to join me?
Sure.
Maybe we can whip up some pleasure of our own.
Cool.
So uh,
why do they call you Pitbull?
Because I grab on
and never let go.
Oh Pitbull.
Oh Pitbull.
Ooh, Pitbull.
Pitbull?
Oh Jen.
Pitbull?!!
Jen!
PITBULL?!!!
Jen!
Excellent!
Ooh, squashed like a bug!
The road to the City of Emeralds
is paved with yellow brick.
Its paved with yellow bricks.
Let Dorothy go to the city of Emeralds.
Perhaps the Great Oz will help you.
The Great Oz.
It is a long journey through a country
that is sometimes dark and terrible!
Wait a minute!
Is that Billy Barty?
See Bobby, that must be them upstairs.
No its not. Its him!
Who?
Elmer!
Dont be silly, Bobby. I'm going upstairs.
Dont go!
Bobby, Ill be right back!
You guys?
Hello?
Guys?
C'mon guys
this isnt funny anymore.
Hello? Guys?
You guys?
C'mon guys.
Guys?
Guys?
Guys?
Guys?
C'mon you guys, I know youre up here.
I heard you from downstairs.
It isnt funny anymore.
Hello?
C'mon guys! Me and Bobby are gonna go home.
Gosh, it stinks up here.
What is that smell?
Uhg.
Oh, Charlie.
Thank God its you.
I dont know whats going on.
I was just upstairs. Everybody's dead.
Charlie?
Charlie?
Bobby!
Bobby!
Come on!
Come on!
Help!
Yuck.
I dont know.
I just can't figure this one out.
Whats a five letter word for bottle-cap?
I thought you were working on that case?
Ahh thats a lost cause.
How would I know where some half-baked screwball
is gonna turn up?
There's no place like home.
Theres no place like home.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
HOME!
Nah.
I'm gonna mulch your ass you psychotic freak!
[squish
BOBBY!
Whats the matter honey?
Alright, come on.
Im gonna get you out of here.
Its all over. Come on, everything's ok.
It's gonna be alright. Come on.
Everything's fine. Its over. Its over.
Relax.
Hes dead. Im telling you.
Damn dames.
Just get so emotional.
Uhhh.
Sargent Friday?
Come on, Honey, let's get out of here.
Move!
Come on!
Honey, you gotta snap out of it.
Its all over now.
Hes dead.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Im gonna take you home.
Hey, you like cheese whiz?
My wife, she makes the best cheese whiz
Come on! Lets get out of here!
Get out of here!
Alright looney toon
Im sick of messing around with you.
Your bark is worse than your bite.
I'm gonna chop you down to size
with my Beaver style Kung Fu.
Timber.
He's Kung Fu is very good.
C'mon, right here.
You're nothing. C'mon!
Damn.
C'mon. Gimme.
Uhg. God damn!
Come on.
YES! Yes!
Two hotels on Boardwalk!
That's two thousand dollars!
Two thousand!
Come on, come on. Gimme the money!
Oh whats the matter? You don't have enough?
Ooh, maybe youll have to mortgage your railroads!
Ha ha.
Ah ha ha ha.
Ill see you in the poor house, Elmer.
Hey! What are you doing?
You sore loser!
Where are the keys?
Detective!
Come on! Get up!
GET UP!
Oh boy.
He really looks looks pissed now!
[growling
Whew.
Thanks a lot, Smokey.
No problem, Detective.
Valuable acres of forest are lost every year
by mans careless handling of fire.
If people would just take the time to
make sure that their matches,
cigarettes or campfires are out
we could all avoid the needless destruction
of one of the planet's most valued natural resources
the forest!
So, whadda ya say
ya give me a hand?
Uhh,
Yeah, sure.
C'mon, the fire is spreading!
Must be my lucky day.
Oh, Detective.
You must be here to see Rachel.
Yeah, is she going to be ok, Doc?
Oh.
My cd's are about to mature.
Well does that mean she's gonna be alright?
Oh, well shes a remarkable girl.
I'm sure someday she'll be able
to put this tragedy behind her.
Of course, Arbor Day will never be the same for her.
It will never be the same for me either, Doc.
Hey!
How about a quick nine?
Sounds good.
He meant all that with those two words?
No.
I just made it up.
No man could mean so much
by two words.
Excuse me, sir?
I found more stuff in the vault.
Throw it on the fire with the rest.
Ok.
[orchestral crescendo
Every year when the leaves turn green
You wanna blow off school, you wanna let off steam.
'Cause you hate your job and you hate your old man
they dont wanna ROCK! They dont understand
that its ARBOR DAY
A time to grow
'Cause its Arbor Day
A time to reap what you sow.
My fruit is ripe and my branches strong
And I'll plant anybody who does me wrong.
Now I got some beer and I got some weed
What better day to plant my seed
than on ARBOR DAY
A time to grow
'Cause its Arbor Day
A time to reap what you sow.
[smoking guitar solo
Sometimes you gotta stand up
for the things that you believe
Stand as tall as trees
Kill the enemies like weeds!
So I prune a bush in my baby's park
and my stem is hard, I want to make her bark.
'Cause she cuts my roots and she sets me free
She taps my sap like a maple tree.
And its ARBOR DAY
A time to grow.
'Cause its Arbor Day
A time to reap what you sow.
Arbor Day
It's all over now, hes dead.
You're doomed! Doomed!
Arbor Day.
Arbor Day...
Hmmm?
I wonder what he meant by "Arbor Day"?
Arbor Day.
I can tell you about Arbor Day.
It happened a long time ago.
In color.
It started out
just like any other day.
Honey, honey, please wait.
Whew!
Do you think well find a
swell place to plant our tree, Daddy?
Sure Elm.
The woods are full of great places to plant trees.
Well look for the best one, and well plant that baby!
Gee, Arbor Day sure is neat, Dad!
Well as a botanist, I think its pretty neat, too.
Honey, honey... would you like me to take over?
Oh no dear. Im feeling as strong as an ox.
Damn E-R-A.
Daddy...
What is it, Elm?
Why does mommy
have so much hair on her face?
You should see her pits.
Ill be alright, really, really Im OK.
Alright, relax.
Im gonna be OK. Im gonna be alright.
I told you not to wear long sleeves
Ohhhh boy.
Deep breaths...
Alright...
Im gonna be OK. Im gonna be alright.
Well maybe next time
you wont fill your pockets so heavy
you didnt need your wallet
you didnt need your keys
and you dont need spare change in the forest!
Hey cats, you dropped your bags.
Happy Arbor Day!
Thanks!
Wow, this must be our lucky day.
This sucks.
I gotta work on fucking Arbor Day!
I hate this fucking job.
Bingo!
Bingo.
Ah shit.
Howdy folks!
Hi Mr. Forest Ranger! Happy Arbor Day!
And a happy Arbor Day to you, too!
Say that sure is a beauty!
You know when I was your age
me and my daddy planted a tree just like that one.
You know that trees still standing there today.
Sometimes I go back and look at that tree...
Its like a piece of my past.
How come youre not planting trees today?
Well Elm,
Mr. Ranger has a very important job.
He has to make sure the forest the forest is safe
for all the campers.
Speaking of safety, you folks remember
we share this forest with our animal friends.
Respect the woods, and itll respect you.
Thank you Mr. Ranger, bye!
Bye bye now, and you folks have a happy Arbor Day.
Assholes.
There.
That oughta do it.
You know Elm, I think we picked a perfect location.
Theres rich topsoil, ample
sunlight & plenty of water.
All the ingredients necessary
for a plant to grow up healthy.
Wow! Our trees gonna last a
hundred million, zillion years!
Ha ha ha.
Well Elm, I dont know if it will be here that long
But it should be here for years
for us to come and enjoy it.
Look Daddy, a man in a bear suit!
Look Daddy, a GRIZZLY BEAR!
Come here, lil fella. Cmon...
Ive got a nice fig newton for ya.
Good boy!
Here ya go
C'mon. C'mon. Thats good.
Please Daddy I'm scared!
Relax Elmer, its only a little bear.
What do you think a bear is
doing in this part of the woods?
Hes probably just a little hungry.
Hey you know, it is mating season
Hes probably hungry for a little love.
Honey, not in front of Elmer.
Please Daddy, please!
Ah Elm, this guys been around humans so long
hes probably tame as a kitten.
Please daddy! Please, please!
Relax Elmer.
Your father wouldn't feed the bear if it wasnt safe.
Cmon Elm, hes probably more
afraid of us then we are of him
You watch this...
ELMER! RUN!!!!!!!
No!
Please!!!
Strange case with this Jacobs boy.
As a youth he witnessed his
parents being mauled by a bear.
His father was decapitated.
And they found traces of bear semen
in his mother's mutilated body.
God! What a horrible story!
Poor child.
Yes, and to add to the tragedy
the event occurred on Arbor Day
making the holiday unbearable.
Poor kid.
Imagine...
not being able to celebrate Arbor Day.
No, no.
Oddly enough the only day
of the year that his brainwaves
show any change is on Arbor Day.
The rest of the year he remains in a catatonic trance.
What the HELL is that?!?
Its the New York Mets, Doctor.
"Its the NY Mets, Doctor." The NY Mets.
And tell me missy,
Who are the mets playing their next home game, hmm?
The Cubs.
Who?
The Cubs, Doctor.
"The Cubs, Doctor."
The Cubs, Doctor.
The Cubs, Doctor!
And I take it you intend to remind poor Elmer
of his early childhood trauma, hmm?
Why dont you just run up to him and say,
"Look out Elmer, theres a bear behind you!"
Dont you realize the mere mention of the word bear
can prolong poor Elmers recovery?
Now exercise your sensitivity
and change that channel!
Its soft and luxurious
helping to create a fire
danger level that is elevated
press conference with George Bush.
That's better.
We now return to our regularly scheduled program
So youre saying that the only
day that Elmer's brainwaves
show any change is on Arbor Day?
Yes, yes I did say that.
Well, correct me if Im wrong doctor but
isn't tomorrow Arbor Day?
Why yes. Yes it is.
We better prepare some type of restraint
as a protective measure.
It pains me to have to have to chain up
such a poor human being like this.
Well if you ask me
all these freaks should be chained up
just like animals
'cause thats all they are.
They aint no human beings.
Mr. Briggs
I thought I told you to mop up all of C-Section.
Maybe you should attend to your job
or I'll attend to it for you.
When youre through with that
then you may return and clean Mr. Jacobs room.
Have it done by midnight.
Yes, sir.
Oh and Briggs
In the future Ill thank you
to keep your uneducated comments to yourself.
You know, he hasn't been the same
since he had his neck slammed in that car door.
Well some just dont understand
that crazy people are people too
they just need someone to look out for them
and take care of them.
Its two o'clock, doctor.
Ooh I'm late.
Well if it isn't the freak.
Hi Freaky.
Whatcha starin' at?
Huh?
Whats the matter? Bear got your tongue?
I know all about you freaky
And I bought you a present
Yeah, a surprise.
Look here.
You like it?
Happy Ar-Bear Day Freaky
Looks like your Daddy wasn't the only one
who lost his head that day, huh, Freaky?
And I bet your momma loved when that bear...
Hey! I was only kidding!
I really didn't think your momma enjoyed it!
I swear!
Hey, I'm sorry. Im sorry. I didn't mean it.
I swear! Im sorry!
Hey, Elmer...
This is really taking a lot out of me.
Every year when the leaves turn green
You wanna blow off school, you wanna let off steam.
Cause you hate your job and you hate your old man
they dont wanna ROCK! They dont understand
that its ARBOR DAY
A time to grow
'Cause its Arbor Day
A time to reap what you sow.
My fruit is ripe and my branches strong
And I'll plant anybody who does me wrong.
Now I got some beer and I got some weed
What better day to plant my seed
than on ARBOR DAY
A time to grow
'Cause its Arbor Day
A time to reap what you sow.
Sometimes you gotta stand up
for the things that you believe
Stand as tall as trees
Kill the enemies like weeds!
So I prune a bush in my baby's park
and my stem is hard, I want to make her bark.
'Cause she cuts my roots and she sets me free
She taps my sap like a maple tree.
And its ARBOR DAY
A time to grow.
'Cause its Arbor Day
A time to reap what you sow.
Arbor Day
Hey Pitbull
how much longer 'til we reach this place?
Jeeze Stace, I dunno.
Last time I was out here I was so high on angel weed
It seemed like it only took ten seconds.
Well we better get their soon
because my feet are killing me and Im starving.
Well hey Jen, I got some nuts...
Charlie youre such an asshole!
Whats the matter?
Cant you take ze joke?
Good one!
Hey Stacey, chuck on some tunes.
We interrupt regular programming
for a special bulletin.
A crazed lunatic has just
escaped from the South Oaks
insane asylum. Police warn
he is extremely dangerous
and was last seen heading towards
God!
All they play is news and commercials these days.
Hey Stace what's with those two?
Theyre so creepy and they don't talk to anybody.
Just leave them alone. Theyre ok, they're just shy.
Look, sis!
A perfect specimen of Salt-spray Rose!
Ooh thats a beauty, Bobby.
And look at the symmetry of the veni-structure!
Now thats a marvel of
vegetive nutritional transport.
We'll have to put this one in the scrap book.
C'mon you two, join the party!
Hey we gotta be close.
I remember bumping into this stump last time.
Eureka!
This way dudes!
Boy, Pitbull
the way you sniff out drugs
you should work at the airport.
Im telling you, Detective
weve got to find this boy and quick!
In his mental condition
there's no telling what he might do.
Yeah, I'm inclined to believe you, Doc
after what he did to the attendant.
What was his name? Briggs?
Figures I gotta spend my Arbor Day
tracking down some psycho.
Please hurry, Detective.
I'm afraid he might be in some danger.
Suicidal tendencies are quite
common around the holidays.
Well no offense, Doc
but Im a little more worried
about the other 4 billion people out there.
Voila!
I told you I'd find this place.
This place is awful.
Yeah, its kind of creepy.
I dunno, I kinda like it.
It makes me feel right at home.
Don't worry, Sunshine.
After a few lines of my mystical guru powder
this place will look like the Taj Mahal.
I dont know guys, this place doesnt look too safe
the floors could be rotten. We could all get hurt.
Are you kidding, sis?
This building is at least fifty years old.
It must have been built
according to the old building codes.
I bet it's still as solid as a rock.
What's this kid know anyway?
You can believe him
Hes a whiz at calculus, biology, physics...
Not to mention mechanical engineering
psychology and chemistry.
Chemistry?
The only thing I remember
about chemistry is that time
I brewed up some wicked mushroom dust
for the Ted Nugent concert.
C'mon, trust me.
Hey you kids! RUN! RUN!
It's not safe!
The place is evil!
You'll all perish!
You're doomed! DOOMED!
Yeah!
And a Happy Arbor Day to you too, pal!
Im starting to have second
thoughts about this place.
C'mon Smiley Face. There's nothing to worry about.
Holy Shit!
Look at this!
Jacobs? Who's that?
Wasnt that the guy that invented
blackjack moon rocks?
No.
But I remember that name
from one of my history text books.
As I recall, it had something to do with Arbor Day.
Bingo, kid!
Twenty years ago, Elmer Jacobs watched
his parents being mutilated
by a grizzly bear.
Now, hes a basket case in the looney bin at South Oaks.
Every year on Arbor Day his power grows.
And one day he'll escape
and come back to the only place he knows.
This house.
And he'll come back
for revenge.
Hell come back
TO KILL!!!
Charlie you IDIOT!
C'mon guys, let's go in the house
before that nut comes back.
Hello.
Yeah hi Honey, its me.
Listen, I'm afraid I'm gonna hafta work late tonight.
But Honey, its Arbor Day.
I just put the turkey in the oven
and Juniors been waiting to plant that tree all day.
I know Honey. Dont you think
Id rather be out planting a tree
with my son than chasing after some whack job?
I'm sorry, dear.
Its just that Arbor Day has
always been so special to us.
Yeah Im sorry too, Honey.
But sometimes a mans job has gotta come before
his turkey dinner
Even turkey with stuffing and brown gravy
on a bed of corn niblets in butter
and mashed potatoes with pearl onions
and tender glazed green beans
smothered in Hollandaise sauce
and a hot peach cobbler
with a scoop of french
vanilla ice cream and cool whip.
I also maid some triscuits and cheese whiz.
Well, maybe just a little nibble.
Holy horror show, man.
Aye caramba
they neeed 'ze new cleaning lady.
Uhh, this place is a mess.
Oh my god.
Whoa, the maids on vacation.
This is NOT the Taj Mahal.
You can say that again.
Stop it, dont touch anything.
This is disgusting.
This place is filthy
And the lights dont work.
Pitbull, why did you drag us out to this shack?
Dont worry, Jen.
In just a few minutes,
you'll be able to see by the light of my silvery bong.
Hey Pitbull, why don't you try one of these beauties?
Whoa! Mintoid, Dude!
Whoa!
Charlie!
Maybe I'll just go look for the circuit breaker.
Considering this house is over 40 years old
it would be safe to assume a fuse box
would be located in the basement.
Well thank you Thomas Alva Edision.
This kids a regular Whine-stien.
Hes just trying to be helpful.
Yeah Charlie, lay off!
Alright, look kid
Im sorry.
I'm not such a bad guy.
Lets shake.
Aye caramba, Charlie
Aye yai yai yai aye.
I guess I'll check the cellar.
irritating laugh]
Fuses! My lucky day!
No one understands poor Elmer
No one understands.
Beneath that whacko killer
Theres a frightened,
gentle man.
Denying people the love they need
is a selfish thing to do.
If we're not sharing
and not caring
Perhaps we're killers too.
Behind every killer
Theres a heck of a guy.
Heck of a guy
And behind every cloud
Theres a bright blue sky.
After coldest winter
comes the warm thaw of spring
warm thaw of spring
So take that troubled bird
underneath your wing.
So to criticize poor Elmer
is unjust and unfair.
Besides your parents were not
killed by a grizzly bear.
So there.
Im telling you shes dead!
It was horrible!
Her viscera was smeared all over the basement.
Stacey always had a lot of guts.
Charlie, this is serious.
OK if you dont believe me
come downstairs and see for yourselves!
Bobby!
If you dont believe me
Come downstairs and see for yourselves.
Na na na na!
Let Charlie P.I. investigate!
I'm not going down there.
Come on. I really wanna see that viscera thing.
Really.
Oh my GOD!
It's freezing down here.
I swear!
She was just here a second ago!
Hey Pitbull
I think Bobby's been getting into some of your dope.
You better check your Shangri-La pills.
See if ones missing!
Hey, major uncool, squirt.
This isn't very funny, Bobby.
What the hell was that?
I dunno.
But it came from over there.
What's the matter Charlie?
Afraid of a little kitty cat?
Oh hes so cute.
Hey, Ive seen cuter pussies
in my lifetime.
Good one, Pitbull!
I'm gonna call him Scruffy.
I'm going to call you
ze numbskull!
Lets go upstairs.
Stacey's probably outside somewhere.
Hey, the fusebox!
And fuses! My lucky day!
Lets go upstairs!
Stacey's probably outside somewhere!
What's wrong?
No viscera, man.
Uhg. C'mon already.
Oh her viscera was smeared all over the basement.
Boo hoo hoo!
You gotta be kidding me.
Body hunting sure makes me thirsty.
Yeah, I'm kinda parched myself.
Anyone want a brewski?
No thanks, Champ.
I got my own.
Nah, I'll have a soda though.
Here's your soda.
Thank you.
Charlie!
Holy smokes! What are those kids still doing there?
I warned them! The house... it's evil!
Evil is everywhere!
Upstairs, downstairs
there's even a little bit under the sink there.
What are they doing? Those kids, they never listen.
The only way they'll their lesson is
when that crazy killer comes.
Then they'll know. And don't come crying to me
when that happens cause I told you and you just
wouldn't listen.
Holy smokes, that one there is really crazy.
Whats he got on his hat there?
Look at that one with his wild hair...
he must be a Rock & Roller.
I hate those kids!
Those kids with their rock & roll and their
blue suede shoes
they need a good Finnegan pin
that's what they need!
Hail Mary, who art in heaven
hallowed be thy father, uh.
Give us this day our daily bread
and uh, a little butter, too.
Amen.
Ahh, thank you, Honey. This stuff looks great.
You must have been in the kitchen all day.
Oh these peas look good.
Yeah, you know you can't work a case on an empty stomach.
Thank you, thank you.
Boy this chicken looks terrific!
Would you like the last piece?
I dont know if I should.
Ah, what the hell, it's Arbor Day.
Gee Rachel,
Your brother is ze loco!
I dont know, this is so unlike him.
Something must have given him a pretty bad scare.
Well a little shot of my lightning lotus liquid
should calm him right down.
I dont know you guys, its getting kind of dark out.
I wonder where Stacey is.
Yeah. And Scruffy's missing too.
Gee, Im getting kind of worried.
Im gonna go out and look for her.
Scruffy?
Scruffy?
Scruff?
Scruffy?
Scruffy?
Scruff?
Ya crazy cat!
Scruff?
Scruffy?
Scruff?
Where are ya?
OH GEEZE!
Help!
HELP!!!
HELP!!!!!
Charlie! Cut the shit.
Its not funny anymore.
Help me!
HELP! HELP! HELP!
He ran out of gas.
You ran out of gas!
You ran out of gas!!!!
He ran out of ze gas!
I dont know, Jen. Maybe there is something wrong.
I mean, first that weirdo
and now everybody is disappearing.
Wheres Pitbull?
Were all alone in this deserted house.
Hello, Operator?
Can you get me the police?
Seventh precinct.
No, seventh precinct.
I'll wait.
Hello, seventh precinct?
Its just the lights.
Yes, can I speak to Officer Bradley?
Hi snuggles.
Of course.
Do you miss me?
Just me and Rachel.
All alone
in this dark old house
with nothing to do.
Say, what time do you get off?
You're already off?
Why dont you and Jimmy Hamilton
slip on by here?
You have a date?
What do you mean you have a date?!!!!
What is some whore you busted
out in front of the coffee shop?
No you shut up!
You wish!
Thatll be the day!
I wouldnt call for your help
if there was a homicidal maniac trying to kill me!
I hate you!!
OOH I HATE YOU!!!
I think Ill go see what Bobbys doing.
Bobby?
Bobby?
Bobby?
Bobby?
Bobby?
Bobby?
Help with this!
What are you doing, Bobby!
The way Stacey's organs were torn out
would indicate a creature of super human strength.
We'll need something to combat this aberration.
Stop talking that nonsense.
The only psycho here
is the one you've created in your subconscious.
Then please explain. Where is everybody?
I dont know, theyre around somewhere.
No they're not. Theyre dead! I know it!
Bobby, I promise you they're ok.
I'll go upstairs and find them right now.
Please dont go, sis!
Alright Bobby, relax. I wont go anywhere.
Im gonna find the bathroom.
This place gives me the creeps.
Who's idea was this anyway?
Looks safe enough.
Hello? Anybody home?
A bathroom!
with a light that works!
And a mirror.
Its still disgusting
like everything else in this house.
You asshole!
Whats up, Jen?
You scared the shit out of me. Where the hell you been?
I was just out back whipping up some pleasure pills.
Care to join me?
Sure.
Maybe we can whip up some pleasure of our own.
Cool.
So uh,
why do they call you Pitbull?
Because I grab on
and never let go.
Oh Pitbull.
Oh Pitbull.
Ooh, Pitbull.
Pitbull?
Oh Jen.
Pitbull?!!
Jen!
PITBULL?!!!
Jen!
Excellent!
Ooh, squashed like a bug!
The road to the City of Emeralds
is paved with yellow brick.
Its paved with yellow bricks.
Let Dorothy go to the city of Emeralds.
Perhaps the Great Oz will help you.
The Great Oz.
It is a long journey through a country
that is sometimes dark and terrible!
Wait a minute!
Is that Billy Barty?
See Bobby, that must be them upstairs.
No its not. Its him!
Who?
Elmer!
Dont be silly, Bobby. I'm going upstairs.
Dont go!
Bobby, Ill be right back!
You guys?
Hello?
Guys?
C'mon guys
this isnt funny anymore.
Hello? Guys?
You guys?
C'mon guys.
Guys?
Guys?
Guys?
Guys?
C'mon you guys, I know youre up here.
I heard you from downstairs.
It isnt funny anymore.
Hello?
C'mon guys! Me and Bobby are gonna go home.
Gosh, it stinks up here.
What is that smell?
Uhg.
Oh, Charlie.
Thank God its you.
I dont know whats going on.
I was just upstairs. Everybody's dead.
Charlie?
Charlie?
Bobby!
Bobby!
Come on!
Come on!
Help!
Yuck.
I dont know.
I just can't figure this one out.
Whats a five letter word for bottle-cap?
I thought you were working on that case?
Ahh thats a lost cause.
How would I know where some half-baked screwball
is gonna turn up?
There's no place like home.
Theres no place like home.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
HOME!
Nah.
I'm gonna mulch your ass you psychotic freak!
[squish
BOBBY!
Whats the matter honey?
Alright, come on.
Im gonna get you out of here.
Its all over. Come on, everything's ok.
It's gonna be alright. Come on.
Everything's fine. Its over. Its over.
Relax.
Hes dead. Im telling you.
Damn dames.
Just get so emotional.
Uhhh.
Sargent Friday?
Come on, Honey, let's get out of here.
Move!
Come on!
Honey, you gotta snap out of it.
Its all over now.
Hes dead.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Im gonna take you home.
Hey, you like cheese whiz?
My wife, she makes the best cheese whiz
Come on! Lets get out of here!
Get out of here!
Alright looney toon
Im sick of messing around with you.
Your bark is worse than your bite.
I'm gonna chop you down to size
with my Beaver style Kung Fu.
Timber.
He's Kung Fu is very good.
C'mon, right here.
You're nothing. C'mon!
Damn.
C'mon. Gimme.
Uhg. God damn!
Come on.
YES! Yes!
Two hotels on Boardwalk!
That's two thousand dollars!
Two thousand!
Come on, come on. Gimme the money!
Oh whats the matter? You don't have enough?
Ooh, maybe youll have to mortgage your railroads!
Ha ha.
Ah ha ha ha.
Ill see you in the poor house, Elmer.
Hey! What are you doing?
You sore loser!
Where are the keys?
Detective!
Come on! Get up!
GET UP!
Oh boy.
He really looks looks pissed now!
[growling
Whew.
Thanks a lot, Smokey.
No problem, Detective.
Valuable acres of forest are lost every year
by mans careless handling of fire.
If people would just take the time to
make sure that their matches,
cigarettes or campfires are out
we could all avoid the needless destruction
of one of the planet's most valued natural resources
the forest!
So, whadda ya say
ya give me a hand?
Uhh,
Yeah, sure.
C'mon, the fire is spreading!
Must be my lucky day.
Oh, Detective.
You must be here to see Rachel.
Yeah, is she going to be ok, Doc?
Oh.
My cd's are about to mature.
Well does that mean she's gonna be alright?
Oh, well shes a remarkable girl.
I'm sure someday she'll be able
to put this tragedy behind her.
Of course, Arbor Day will never be the same for her.
It will never be the same for me either, Doc.
Hey!
How about a quick nine?
Sounds good.
He meant all that with those two words?
No.
I just made it up.
No man could mean so much
by two words.
Excuse me, sir?
I found more stuff in the vault.
Throw it on the fire with the rest.
Ok.
[orchestral crescendo
Every year when the leaves turn green
You wanna blow off school, you wanna let off steam.
'Cause you hate your job and you hate your old man
they dont wanna ROCK! They dont understand
that its ARBOR DAY
A time to grow
'Cause its Arbor Day
A time to reap what you sow.
My fruit is ripe and my branches strong
And I'll plant anybody who does me wrong.
Now I got some beer and I got some weed
What better day to plant my seed
than on ARBOR DAY
A time to grow
'Cause its Arbor Day
A time to reap what you sow.
[smoking guitar solo
Sometimes you gotta stand up
for the things that you believe
Stand as tall as trees
Kill the enemies like weeds!
So I prune a bush in my baby's park
and my stem is hard, I want to make her bark.
'Cause she cuts my roots and she sets me free
She taps my sap like a maple tree.
And its ARBOR DAY
A time to grow.
'Cause its Arbor Day
A time to reap what you sow.
Arbor Day
It's all over now, hes dead.
You're doomed! Doomed!