Arcadia (2012) Movie Script
Hey, Griz!
Catch!
Come on, Griz.
You should be up already.
- Come on.
- Wait.
Oh.
You might be getting
a real one of those soon.
Really?
Maybe.
But let's bring him anyway.
Would you give me a hand with this,
Caroline, instead of your hair?
Come on, Griz.
We're late.
Well, sunshine will
stay with us this afternoon.
Temperatures top out
into the middle 80s.
That's some 20 degrees... I still don't
get why we can't bring Vincent.
Where should we put him,
Nat-man? Your lap?
Yes, please.
Not as warm...
- because clouds will be...
- Mom'll bring him.
When exactly?
About 10 days, give or take.
Is she taking
a Boeing 747 or 747SP?
Oh, SP.
There's only one of those,
and it's in the United Arab Emirates.
How'd you get so smart,
Nat-man?
Say bye to your house, guys.
Bye, house.
So they're hiking for days,
all tied to each other
on a rope.
They're exhausted.
They're starving.
They can barely keep up
with this old Chang guy.
Finally,
they climb one
last, huge ridge.
And you guys will never guess
what they see next.
- An elephant. - Kristy Murphy
using the flatiron she stole.
A swimming pool?
Bingo. Griz got it.
Speaking of, you nerds realize you're going
to be the proud new owners of a pool, right?
- With a... With a slide?
- If you're lucky.
So listen. So what Conway actually sees
is a mountain city...
so beautiful, so perfect,
it's like paradise, or heaven even.
And they're...
Hey, Griz, You wanna
hear about Shangri-La?
How's Harrison?
He's so-so.
Probably wondering what he's doing
hanging out with a 12-year-old.
Well smile, Harrison.
You're headed for sunshine
300 days a year.
I love this music.
Feed me.
I'm hungry. I'm hungry.
I'm very hungry.
Ahh.
Hey, Nat-Man!
Griz!
She's a natural, folks.
Yeah.
Look at all these porkers.
If you listen close, you can hear
the diabetes setting in.
Hey, porkers!
Shh!
What? What?
C... Cut it out.
Three bucks for yogurt when you
can get meat for a buck, 99.
I wouldn't call that "meat."
Dad, I hate fast food.
Just like your mother.
Little Miss Organic.
How'd I get the one kid in America
who hates fast food?
I don't know.
- Did you make any friends at camp?
- A few.
- Did you tell them about
your big move? - No.
- Why not? - I wasn't sure if
it was really gonna happen.
It's happening, Griz.
It's happening.
So Mom's okay with it now?
We'll see. Your mom doesn't
see California the way I do,
but she doesn't know it like I do.
They got a great
community garden out there.
She's gonna be able to keep
doing her volunteer thing.
Why'd she have to go to Aunt Deedee's
right before we left?
I haven't seen her in, like,
four weeks and three days.
I know, honey.
It'll just be a few more.
Forget about it.
No, no.
That's not accurate.
No. I've been clear
about this for months.
The 27th.
Talk to Gibbs in H.R.
That's who I spoke to.
Let me write something,
or I'll drop this on your head.
- You'll see her in nine days.
- Her and Fluffy?
Natty, I do not think that fish is
gonna survive Mom's suitcase.
Don't be silly. She's gonna put
plastic wrap over the bowl.
Okay, that'll work.
Ew! Ew! Ew! I really doubt you'll be
saying that for long.
No, no, no!
Don't! Give it! Oh, my...
There's something wrong
with this kid.
I know.
He sleeps with a rock.
It's a meteorite, dummy.
Plus, you sleep with a rabbit.
I don't get why you're obsessed
with that Noah weirdo.
I don't get why you're obsessed
with that piece of shit.
- Do you have to swear? - I forgot I was
in the presence of Miss Righteous.
Caroline's gonna get married.
Why would she wanna do that?
- So she has someone to fight with.
- Ooh!
- Oh, dear God.
- Oh!
That's so gross.
Here, Ham.
Here's a present.
You just got those
from the bathroom,
which, not to mention,
is now polluted.
So what? They're top-of-the-line
"silky tresses."
No. Fine.
I'll give them to Griz.
She'll have the softer, shinier
and more manageable hair.
At least Griz loves me.
No. Just clean hair.
Guy can't cut a break
around here, eh, Harrison?
Hey, Dad?
Yeah.
How long till the Grand Canyon?
Three or four days.
I'm gonna get you there as soon
as I can, Natty. Promise.
This is the Grand Canyon Express.
Hey, Natty.
Yeah?
- You gonna do the dance?
- If you're lucky.
Come on. Do it.
What's this?
Seymour the fag duck again.
Look at his hair.
Good one.
All right. Okay.
Yeah. Stop that.
Now.
It is the Tri-Roller
with a bag...
that comes along with it.
It's a complete exercise system
with a work-out DVD.
And we're promising you when
working out with the Ab Doer,
it's going to be far less impact
on your legs and knees.
Everybody has been
talking about that...
and how they love
being elevated.
They love being up and off the floor
in a seated position,
whittling away the middle,
combining the Ab Doer Twist system...
along with cardio
and a healthy eating...
Turn it back on.
...see what you're going to get.
We're including for you your
complete Ab Doer Twist system.
So it comes along with it.
You're going to get a great
massage as you're working out.
You're going to be...
Breakfast!
Vitamins for you guys too.
What's the score?
4-3. Bases loaded for the A's.
Oh!
Don't tell me that nimrod
Wilson's pitching. Yeah.
Hey, Dad!
Yeah, Nat-man.
Soap in my eyes!
Uh-oh. You all right?
My X-ray vision!
Don't worry
about the X-ray vision.
Only acid can destroy that.
Just rinse them out.
Hey. Griz-meister. Breakfast.
Is that English
you're speaking?
Come on. We gotta check out and go.
Have some bagel and vitamins.
I hate those things.
Tough.
Whatcha reading, Natty?
Flora and fauna
of the Grand Canyon.
What's the biggest fauna?
Mountain lion?
Nah. They're all dead.
Those jerks.
Hey, Dad, now how long
till we get to the Grand Canyon?
Well, we're 10 hours closer
than the last time you asked.
Good. 'Cause we only have
two more months...
till the Mexican long-tongued bat
goes into hibernation.
I think I better step on it then.
Uh-huh.
What's Griz listening to?
She only has one album.
Yeah. Morrissey.
Who? Isn't that the dorkus
down the street?
Billy? Morry?
What are you guys
talking about?
- Your depressing emo music.
- Like you guys know anything.
All the stuff you kids listen to these
days is awful. Except Sting.
As if anyone listens to Sting.
- You mean I'm out of the loop?
- No geriatrics are in the loop, Dad.
Hey, Dad. Do you think they'll let me
on the football team in Arcadia?
I don't see why not.
'Cause I weigh 62 pounds,
that's why not. Listen, Nat-man.
There's nothing you can't do
if you try hard enough.
Maybe you can be
on the swim team.
There's gonna be a pool
at our house, you know.
You should see the office they set
me up with, right on Beverly Drive.
Palm trees, even,
right out my window.
Hey, Dad, when is my first riding lesson?
Soon as we get settled.
I wouldn't hold my breath.
No, come on.
A promise is a promise.
And one of those... the Cherry Tripler.
Gotta be 18 for those.
I know. It's for my dad.
That's for my mom.
I'll bet.
Come on, Nat.
Ohh!
Look.
Where'd you get those?
Did you pay for that?
Nope.
You were the decoy, and I snagged...
That's stealing.
Guys, come on.
Let's go.
Go bring it back.
No way.
Greta, come on. They're just Tootsie Rolls.
What if Mom knew you did that?
Guys, come on.
That's nice. It's not even noon,
for Christ sakes.
Whole country's
going down the tubes.
We'll do a number after
we cross every state border.
Come on, Greta.
That'll take forever.
What are you nerds
whispering about back there?
Nothing.
What's that nudie thing for?
It's not a nudie thing.
It's for luck.
Oh. Cool.
- Are you sure, uh, this is the right way?
- I don't know.
It said you had
to get on the 65,
but I don't know
if you passed it.
The 65's back there.
What?
Jesus!
Hey, slow down, asshole!
Dad.
You like that?
I'll sit here all day
if I have to.
Huh? Is that better? Idiot.
Fuckin' asshole!
You must be a fucking asshole!
What did you call me?
Fucking asshole!
You got something to say?
Back the hell away from me, moron!
- Back off. - Get out of the fucking
car and say that to me. Huh?
I'll fuck all y'all up!
Dad! Dad, what are you doing?
Get the fuck away from my kids!
Fucking asshole! I'm gonna fucking
sue the shit out of you!
Don't you fucking go anywhere!
I got your fucking license plate, asshole!
If they ask you kids anything,
just agree with what I say.
What?
Just do as I say.
Now, what exactly happened
out there?
You know we're gonna have to check
and see if he's pressing charges.
Well, we were on our way
to a wake.
These kids' aunt...
passed away.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah.
They certainly
didn't need this today.
I... I'm sorry for what happened,
but that man verbally and then physically
threatened my kids and me.
I was acting in self-defense.
Who started the argument?
He did.
He approached the car,
spewing profanities.
He... He threatened us.
He could have had a gun,
for all I know it.
I... I...
I felt like I had
to protect my family.
See, when something like that happens,
you gotta be smart.
You gotta decide
which is the bigger risk...
acting or staying passive.
Because it was safer to get out there
and confront that maniac...
than to let him pull a gun
and shoot all of you.
Hey, when someone threatens you guys,
I'm not taking any chances.
You never sit back
when you're in danger.
You find a way out of it.
But you lied.
I know.
Sometimes
you have to lie, Greta.
What would you do if Dad
was in jail right now, huh?
Where would you be? Probably at
some overfunded government facility.
Mom would come get us.
Your mom's not here, is she?
In the larger scheme of things,
that lie isn't gonna hurt anybody.
It helped us get out
of that situation, that's all.
You kids are good sports.
You guys want dessert?
Like this.
That's what they're used to.
A chicken?
Do you think Dad would have
really gone to jail yesterday?
I don't know.
I don't think so.
Well, they would have
sent us home, right?
Not to some overplundered
government facility.
I hope not.
Why not? Cause I really don't
wanna go back there.
Hey, guys, do you think
if they found out Dad lied,
they would have
put him in jail?
I don't think so, Natty.
No.
Who's he talking to?
I'm not accepting that.
Who was that?
It was a business call.
- What aren't you accepting?
- Were you eavesdropping?
No.
Can we call Mom now?
No.
Why not?
She's not home yet.
Well, then can you give me
Aunt Deedee's number?
I don't have
that kook's number.
Hmm? Who's there?
What the hell
are you doing, Greta?
I was just getting some air.
Get back in bed.
There's psychos out there.
The Earth is here,
and Mars is the closest planet.
What about Ganymede?
Huh?
Ganymede, the moon by...
the moon by Jupiter.
Oh. Right.
And Europa.
And the other two.
Well, sure, if you want to get
that detailed about it.
It's not detail, Dad.
It's the facts.
Well, technically it's both.
And...
Hmm?
What's that? My meteorite?
You don't recognize it, Nat-man?
You should.
Oh.
Hmm?
Uh, it's too close to Jupiter
to be Saturn. Mm-hmm.
Um, and it...
So it might be "Callisto or IO."
It's Uranus.
What?
What's Uranus doing there?
Oh, Dad.
Girls, look at Nat's Uranus
out here next to Mars.
Caroline, where's that horoscope
you were reading?
Maybe Nat's Uranus is entering the
House of Venus, for luck in love.
I hope Nat's Uranus doesn't
cause another Big Bang.
Mine wouldn't.
Yours would. Aw, pltt!
Yes.
Can... Can we call Mom now?
Hi. Tom, Jane, Caroline,
Greta and Nat aren't home.
Please leave us your message.
We'll call you back.
Mom, it's us.
Hi, Mom.
Uh, we just wanted to see if you
were home, but I guess you're not.
Or maybe you're at the Kents'?
Hey, Mommy, we're in Missouri.
And don't forget to bring Fluffy. Bye.
We love you, Mom.
You got five minutes.
Well?
Told you guys.
# Rolling, rolling, rolling
# Behind
# Rolling, rolling, rolling #
# Rawhide That's right.
It's... # Keep
those dogies rolling #
# Rolling, rolling, rolling
Rawhide #
No!
All right. Stay in the car.
I'll be quick.
Yes, sir.
Where are you going?
Dad said to stay in the car.
I'll be right back.
Wait up!
Come on, Griz. Let's go.
Dad's probably back by now.
Griz!
What if our place
looks like that?
Probably full of psychos.
Greta, come on.
Hey.
Hey, guy.
Greta!
Hey, hey, hey.
He don't like trespassers.
Aw, G... What are you doing!
Where were you guys?
Greta almost got
attacked by a dog.
I told you to stay in the car.
I had to mail something.
Next time you do as I say.
You all right, Greta?
- Isn't this place nice, guys?
- Nicer than a homeless shelter.
I love this place.
Why don't you get
the meat loaf, Griz?
Order the meat loaf for Harrison.
I'll eat whatever he doesn't eat.
I know what I want, thanks.
Natty, what are you having?
Either the half chicken or the...
fettuccine Alfredo.
Fettucine is a rip-off
for something with...
no protein, eh.
No protein, Tony!
Oh. Hello.
How are you today, Agnes?
Are you ready to order?
Well,
got a couple questions first.
How big would you say the chopped
steak is? Is it a good size meal...
Well, it says right there. Steamed
vegetables, choice of mashed,
baked or rice.
And the size?
Of the meat?
It's a normal size.
I asked you a reasonable question,
and I'm expecting
a reasonable response.
Is it eight ounces?
Ten?
Six? Five?
Four? Three?
Two?
All right, just...
bring me the meat loaf with the mashed
potatoes and a glass of the house red.
My son here will have
the half chicken. Greta?
I'll have the chicken-and-corn salad.
Hold the chicken.
- What do you mean, hold the chicken?
- I don't want it.
I'm not asking you.
Just bring it with the chicken.
I don't like the chicken neither.
Um, I'll have the meat loaf.
Well, I'd give her
an "A" for attitude,
a D-minus for server skills.
She has big arms.
This isn't the Four Seasons.
You got it all wrong. I don't
care what the place is called.
I'm not giving them my business
so she can give me attitude.
That's something you're
gonna have to learn.
I ordered a glass of wine,
not a shot.
Well, this is the house serving.
This ain't France.
Oh, okay. All right. Come on, kids.
We're leaving. Let's go.
Let's go. Come on.
Come on, let's go.
Jesus Christ. I knew they were
gonna pull a stunt like that.
Then why did we go here?
We came here 'cause you girls
are constantly complaining...
about not going to sit-down
restaurants, remember? Okay.
Where we gonna eat now?
Yeah.
Okay, Dad, look, maybe you should
just relax, just calm down.
You're getting stressed out. You better...
You don't tell me what to do, you hear me?
You better show your father
some respect.
Both of you.
Just wait here, guys.
I'll be quick.
We don't even know
if we're staying here, Greta.
I'm gonna come.
Hey, Greta, wait up.
Is he calling Mom?
I doubt it.
Is Mom gonna be there
on the first day of school?
I don't know.
If she's not,
will you make me the sandwich?
What sandwich?
The star-shaped one
she makes every first day.
She never made me that.
Why does she bring
that stupid bunny everywhere?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Well, listen.
You go this route,
you're gonna regret it. That...
That's right.
Yeah, I am threatening you.
You tell them
they can go fuck themselves.
Christ.
Where's my cheese?
Dad's walk's taking forever.
Maybe he's on the phone again.
Pick a card, any card.
Get ready for the most
astonishing,
the most magical magic trick
in the whole universe.
Okay, you guys better
pick those up.
Who writes with
a fountain pen anyway?
Mom gave it to me. Do you
want me to say hi for you?
I don't get why you're
mad at her.
She's the one that
wanted us to stay.
Greta, trying to watch this.
Dad didn't even care how she felt about
the move. You should be mad at him.
Shh.
You could have at least pretended
you didn't wanna move.
So what, it's my fault now?
Well, maybe it would have
made a difference. Okay.
So Dad's gonna turn down a big offer
after six months without a job,
just because I don't wanna move.
I heard him on the phone,
yelling and swearing and stuff.
He's probably just threatening.
Who?
I don't know. Maybe the guy
that he tackled.
That guy threatened
to sue him, remember?
Why isn't he mentioning
any of this to us?
Maybe he figures that we have
enough to worry about right now.
Mom should have just come. Jesus.
Will you just shut up about Mom already?
Okay?
It's not like she's dead.
You don't even care
that she's not here.
All you care about
is your stupid boyfriend.
Natty... Natty, what's wrong?
Nothing.
Greta...
Greta, where are you going?
It's past your bedtime,
little girl.
Remember that time
when we found that little bat?
How a cat tore up his wings
and he couldn't fly?
You remember how Mom took him out
back behind the house in the woods...
and said he would be fine?
She said bats
had special powers.
What do you think
happened to him?
I don't know.
I know.
Are you okay, Griz?
You were making
the weirdest noises.
Dad and Ham went out to get us
continental breakfast.
Come on.
# Rolling, rolling, rolling
Hey, kids, look.
Oklahoma.
You guys excited
to meet the Acreses?
They have a great place.
Pool even.
Their kid's about your age.
- Who are those people again?
- They're good friends of ours.
So suddenly they're our good friends
when they save us motel money.
Hank's an old college buddy.
It's funny. He's the one
who introduced me to California.
Does Mom even know
that we're going there?
- It's kind of funny how she's left out
of all this stuff. - Give me a break.
Like when you picked the house,
did she have a say in it?
Jesus. This again.
Yes, she did.
Well, when I was at camp,
she just said that you just picked it.
I laid out three options. She didn't
want anything to do with the decision.
I remember that. You showed
me the pictures even.
Listen, I had to act fast.
That's what happens.
You wait a day,
you lose the house. Period.
I don't wanna move.
- You too now?
- What do you mean now?
I'm just trying to get the information,
to be more informed.
You're always saying
that we should be more informed.
You can't be privy to everything,
not at age 12.
Well, don't stick me
with their kid.
I can guarantee
he'll be a complete dorkus.
Is this what our house
is gonna look like, Dad?
Close.
Hey. Can't we leave the kryptonite
in the car for once?
Meh.
Be polite, nerds.
Dad, I'm sure they heard the
first time. Big house.
Hey!
Tom! Oh!
We were expecting
you guys yesterday.
Oh. Yeah.
I... I tried calling. Uh...
Oh.
That... That's okay.
Don't worry. Come on in.
Come on, kids. Ah.
Hey.
Wow.
Huh?
Please...
Please make yourselves at home.
Oh, isn't she cute?
It's a he.
Harrison's been the best
behaved of all of them.
I'll bet he has.
Hank, come on down!
Tom's here!
So you having a blast
on your road trip, sweetie?
Mm-hmm. He can't wait
to see the Grand Canyon.
Oh. It is such a sight.
It's gorgeous.
I will never forget it.
And to think that an earthquake
made that enormous hole.
I think it was
the Colorado River.
So... you guys excited
about your move?
Yeah. Sure they are.
Moving's not so bad. Just ask Evan.
He loves it here now.
So, you like it here?
I hate it.
At least you have a pool.
Oh. You wanna go in, do you?
No, no, no. No, no.
No, no. Do not...
Do not push me in. No.
Hey. You wanna play
pool basketball?
Oh. No. I'm fine.
That's a cute swimsuit
you got on.
Thanks.
Oh.
Don't you wanna go swimming?
Give it! Give it!
Maybe this will get you to laugh.
Do you ever feel like
your face isn't yours?
What do you mean?
Sometimes I just feel...
like my brain isn't
even connected to my face.
Like it's a stranger's
or something.
If I were you,
I'd wish my face was a stranger.
Gross.
You're too cool
for your own good.
How come you don't play
and stuff like you used to?
I just don't.
I know why you're not going in.
You like him.
# Ooh, Griz loves Evan,
sittin' in a tree #
Stop it!
Stop!
She won't even acknowledge this
is the best offer I've ever had, so...
How are the kids doing?
Great. They'll adjust.
Even if Jane keeps being stubborn.
If it were up to her parents, she'd
move back in with them. It's...
Griz, if you're not gonna play,
at least let us.
Geez!
Hi. Tom, Jane, Caroline,
Greta and Nat aren't home.
Please leave us your message.
We'll call you back.
Mom, I don't care if you
and Dad hate each other.
Just please come out here.
Please.
We can live in separate houses
or something.
Just come.
Hey. Sweetie, you wanna
come out and join us?
Listen, hon.
I know that everything that's happening
just can't be easy for you kids.
It's okay. You know, with the move
and everything,
your Mom not being here...
My mom's coming.
I've got watermelon out there.
Do you know that?
Come on.
Griz, it's me.
Can I come in?
Why didn't you wanna go
swimming today?
It's 'cause of your legs, isn't it?
What?
You're embarrassed
because your legs are hairy.
It's okay.
I totally remember that feeling.
It's gross.
It's not gross.
But yeah, you should
probably start to shave.
Mom said I shouldn't start yet.
She said it'll make it come back
all thick and hairy.
Oh, come on. No.
Let's do it now.
Now?
Yeah. No one will know.
Come on. Get up on here.
Come on.
All right.
Put your legs out.
All right.
Gotta make sure
the water's warm, okay?
So it opens up your pores.
Yeah, rub it.
All right.
Ready?
See?
Easy.
You do it.
You gotta do it like that
if you want boys to like you.
Why do you like Noah anyway?
You'll see.
What's that supposed to mean?
Just wait until a guy likes you,
and then you'll see.
Guys don't like me.
They will.
What do you...
do all the time anyway?
Make out?
It's been known to happen.
How do you...
You want me
to show you that too?
Practice on your arm.
It's easy.
No!
Look, okay?
Like this.
Come on. Just don't be
sloppy about it. Ew.
Are all these questions
because of Evan? No!
Come on.
He's kind of cute, isn't he?
You kinda like him?
Gross.
Hey, girls!
We'll finish later, okay?
Come on.
Hey... Ooh. You're workin'
on a whopper there.
Dad!
Hmm?
I like the food. A lot.
Mmm.
Hey, ladies.
- How's the slumber party?
- You're not invited.
What are we gossiping about?
We're writing postcards, actually.
Oh.
Yeah.
So whatcha got in there?
Come on.
Show him your cool pictures.
Whoa.
Greta, who's the sexy one for,
your boyfriend?
No, it's... it's not that.
It's for my mom.
Well, I wanna meet your mom then.
If she's into that.
Get out, you pervert.
These are some attractive ladies.
I'm not the one who bought it.
It's for luck.
Can I have it then?
Get out. Get out!
Fine. Fine.
Sweet dreams, ladies.
Lame.
Yeah.
Tom, you have to understand
the position that we're in.
Yeah, if I needed your help,
I would have asked.
It's not like we stole your firstborn.
Just calm down.
Yeah. Yeah. It's none
of your goddamn business.
- Excuse me?
- It's not.
She deserves to know
where her kids are.
The Demarcos's lawyer is calling here in
20 minutes. He expects you to be here.
Jesus Christ. Ellen, Hank,
Thanks for the hospitality.
I don't think you
should leave just yet.
Yeah? Thanks
for the advice, buddy.
What are we supposed to tell
them when your call comes?
Merry Christmas. Get your stuff ready.
Where's your sister?
We're leaving.
Ham, get your stuff together.
Come on.
Greta!
I'm not kidding!
We're going! Where are you?
Come on!
Hey, Griz!
Let's see if they have
some flip-flops.
Why?
I don't know. Everyone wears
those in California.
Okay.
Hey, Greta, you joining?
Greta's in a bad mood
these days.
So, what, you're not
talking to me now?
No.
Why? 'Cause of Evan?
Oh, my God. You said,
and I quote, "Ew."
You didn't actually
like him, did you?
You have a boyfriend. Last time I checked
he was my "stupid" boyfriend.
You cheated.
So I'm not perfect, so sue me.
You are so goddamn
self-righteous.
You said you and Noah were gonna
get married. I never said that.
Yes, you did.
Well, I bet he's hooked up...
with Kristy Murphy
by now anyway.
Did you go all the way?
Jesus!
Did you?
What does it matter?
Well, what if you're pregnant?
What if you have a disease?
You are such a goddamn baby.
You know what? I really hope
you make a mistake someday.
That way I can treat you
like shit after.
Aren't you sick of bologna?
I love bologna.
It's processed meat. Do you know
what that means? Mm-mmm.
It means that random pig parts
are in there. Mm-hmm.
Okay, like brains
and balls and chemicals.
You said balls.
Oh, God.
It's 172 condors up there.
Hmm.
Where you going?
To take a walk.
Am I allowed?
# Twinkle, twinkle,
little Griz #
# How I wonder what she is
# Up above the world so high #
# Like a diamond in my eye
Would you stop?
# Twinkle...
You used to love
when I sang that.
Yeah, when I was five.
How you doing, buddy?
I bet you like
the Rockies, huh?
Maybe one day, when you get bigger,
we'll climb those mountains.
How would you like that, huh?
You never take us hiking.
I got something for you.
Jesus, Dad!
I'm sorry to be the one
to give you those.
I just didn't want to invade your
privacy by telling Caroline,
you know, in case she didn't know.
And since
your mom's not around...
Stop!
I don't wanna talk about this.
Just leave me alone.
Well, you really should talk about
it with someone. Well, not you.
Definitely not you.
Greta.
You don't walk away
while I'm talking to you.
You've turned into a rude young lady.
What happened to you?
What happened
to the lucky postcard?
Lost it.
Now we're never gonna win.
You nerds wanna hear
the rest of Shangri-La?
Mm.
- Wanna play ghost?
- Mm.
You kids are no fun.
Aren't you going
to answer that?
Telemarketers.
Are you sure it's not Mom?
It's not Mom.
How do you know?
It's an unknown number.
Well, it could be Aunt Deedee's.
You know, the kook.
It could be one
of your boyfriends.
Gee, come on. Griz, smile.
Take a joke.
Greta's not into boys.
Maybe not now.
Someday soon she'll be
beating 'em away with a stick.
Stop.
What happened at the Acres'?
Are Grandma and Grandpa suing you?
What? No.
Well, what then?
What about the lawyer?
Why could that Acres lady
call Aunt Deedee and we can't?
Okay, this eavesdropping of yours
has got to stop. It's not your concern.
- It is my concern.
- It is not.
Shit.
Goddamn it.
Shit.
Goddamn it.
Good evening.
Evening.
Driver's license
and registration, please.
All right. But, uh,
first do you mind telling me
what I've done wrong?
Sir, I'm gonna ask you again.
Driver's license
and registration, please.
Got it right here.
About to expire.
About to.
No law against that yet,
is there, Officer?
Thanks.
Is this your father, young man?
- Yeah, that's my son, Nat...
- I wasn't talking to you, sir.
Unbelievable.
Go ahead and answer
the question, son.
- He wasn't kidnapping us.
That was just a joke. - Wha...
Sir, you keep your eyes in front
and your hands on the wheel.
What the hell did you kids do?
You wanna pass that sign
to me, young lady?
This is ridiculous.
They're my kids.
They're... They're messing around.
That was smart.
Jesus.
What, now I'm being written up?
What for?
Sir, you were going 91
in a 75 zone.
Think that's safe, with those kids
back there like that?
I happen to know for a fact
I wasn't going that fast, Officer.
Hey, you kids shouldn't
play around like that.
You have yourself
a good evening, sir.
350-friggin'- bucks!
Unbelievable!
What were you thinking, Nat?
I did it.
You're in real trouble,
young lady.
Don't you ever pull a stunt
like that again.
Well, if you weren't speeding,
then we wouldn't have gotten
- pulled over in the first place.
- Don't push me, Greta, you hear me?
Just as crazy as your mother.
What? What did you just say?
It's nothing new, is it?
She's always playing
the victim, you know.
Just after you were born...
I don't know if you knew
anything about this,
but I'm gonna tell you 'cause I think
you're old enough now.
Just after you were born,
she went up to Vermont,
to her sister's.
She wanted to separate.
I wasn't gonna let that happen.
She was just being hysterical,
calling her parents every day,
getting them against me too.
Her dad, your grandfather, tried to
get involved. It was bad stuff.
I mean...
It was really bad stuff.
Wha... What kind of stuff?
She was claiming
I'd emotionally abused her,
bullshit stuff like that.
Excuse my language.
But that's the word for it.
She was lucky I was willing to stay married
to her, mostly for your sake, you know.
That's just not the kind of thing
a mother should do with a baby.
I convinced her
to come back, but...
your life would be
different now if she hadn't.
Your mom used to be so happy
back when I met her.
She was so pretty.
She still is.
Hey, Ham.
Things happen for a reason.
You know?
You're gonna love Arcadia.
No more cliquey New England.
Your dad's never had a shot
like this one, never.
Now I get to be my own boss,
you know?
But I just worry that
the same thing's gonna happen...
No, no, no.
This is an entirely
different situation.
These guys were literally begging
me to come out there.
Cheer up.
You're gonna be
a California girl.
My California kids.
It's Grand Canyon day!
You gotta be kidding me.
Maybe it'll go fast.
What is this, national Grand
Canyon day? Jesus.
We're finally here, Natty.
Finally.
Uh, that'll be $49.
Twenty-five for the vehicle
and 24 for the two adults.
I think I heard you say $49.
I must have heard wrong.
No, you heard right, sir.
Really?
I...
I don't know that I can condone
that kind of highway robbery...
when it comes
to a national treasure.
Let me ask you something.
Do you feel comfortable
charging that kind of money...
for something owned
by taxpayers?
Someone's gotta pay for the upkeep,
the salaries and so forth.
Well, I thought that's
why I have the pleasure...
of the federal government taking
40% of my salary every year.
Nope. It's not for the Grand Canyon
entrance fees, sir.
Yeah?
You can keep
your Grand Canyon then.
Dad, you can't do this to him.
You just can't.
I thought a promise
was a promise.
Okay, I'm sorry, guys, but...
we're way behind schedule.
You kids gotta start school.
I gotta start my job.
We don't wanna rush through
something like that.
We'll go back someday
when we have more time, okay?
Hey, I tell you what.
We'll go to Walnut Canyon instead.
You told us we were
going to the Grand Canyon,
not some other dinky canyon.
Yeah, well, we're not.
That's just the way it's gonna be.
Why? Just because you're too cheap
to do what you promised?
You better shut
your mouth, Greta.
Not this again.
You shut yours too.
Or what? What are you gonna do?
Abandon us like you did Mom?
Give me a break. You know damn well
your mother's coming later.
Why do you keep feeding us this bull?
You're divorcing her! Admit it!
Why don't you
just tell us the truth?
Hey! I've had enough
of your lip.
Your mother abandoned you,
not the other way around.
Get that through your goddamn skull,
you ungrateful little shit.
Who's with you right now?
Who's carting you 3,000 miles at great
personal hardship and expense? Huh?
I got news for you.
It's not your mother.
You're a liar!
I wanna go back to Mom!
- Get out then. Get out!
- Jesus, Dad, stop!
- No! - Yeah. Get out and
run back to your mommy.
- I don't wanna look at your little face.
- Dad, this is crazy.
You can't do this.
Stop!
- You're a fucking asshole!
- Get out!
Hi. Tom, Jane,
Caroline, Greta and...
Come with me a second.
You know, I don't enjoy having
those kinds of arguments with you.
I don't want them
to keep happening.
I do understand that this is hard
on you, this move and all.
I'm going to tell you something that
will probably make it harder.
Your mom...
isn't at Aunt Deedee's.
Where is she then?
She's at a psychiatric clinic.
Why?
Because she had a breakdown
when you were at camp.
Breakdown? That's right.
A nervous breakdown.
She'll be there a little longer,
then she'll be out.
Why did we leave her then?
You know why.
We had to get
to California, Griz.
It'll be okay.
She'll be out soon.
What about the lawyers...
and Grandma and Grandpa?
They seem to think that I'm not
allowed to move you kids,
and they're wrong.
What are they doing?
Oh, they're just making
empty threats mostly.
Nothing you need
to get too worried about.
What's gonna happen? It'll all
be okay, Griz. I promise.
Does Caroline know?
Why didn't you tell me?
Why wouldn't you tell me?
Well, I didn't wanna make this
whole process harder on you kids.
But you lied to us.
No.
You said so yourself. Sometimes you
have to lie. No. Not in this case.
Listen.
There are realities kids aren't
supposed to deal with yet.
You have the rest of your life
to deal with this crap.
I'd rather not be a part
of dishing it out now.
But you are.
This move is going to turn out to be
one of the best things...
to ever happen to our family.
We're not even
a family anymore.
Oh, that's not fair.
You kept acting like everything
was gonna be fine.
I think it will be.
I don't.
Ah-ha-ha!
There it is, guys...
Los Angeles.
The city of angels.
Los Angeles.
We made it.
Whoo-hoo!
Well, nerds,
you've just traveled 2,848 miles
to your new home.
What? This will be fine, guys.
You haven't even seen the pool.
Come on.
Ah, okay, so,
we'll all sleep in here together
till we rent the furniture.
That way you guys don't have
to sleep alone.
We're renting furniture?
Yeah.
- When will that be?
- Soon.
Hey, Dad?
Yeah?
Are these for the pool?
Well, that's one way to use 'em. But we're
gonna use 'em as mattresses for now.
Does someone wanna give me a hand
blowing these things up?
Well, tomorrow I'll drop
you guys off at school.
We'll have to find
another solution though...
because I'll need
to leave early for work.
I'll get you guys bikes.
What about me?
I'll figure something out.
- Come on, Caroline.
- You could ride a bike too.
- When's Mom coming?
- Please say soon.
Probably in the next
couple weeks.
We'll see.
You said she'd be here.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
I'm sorry I don't have
all the answers.
No one does.
Hey, Ham?
Mm-hmm?
Could you show me how to do
my hair like yours? For school.
Why do you wanna look like me?
I don't know.
You're pretty.
I'll do it for you
in the morning.
Dad told me about
what happened with Mom.
What happened when I was away?
Just a lot of the typical fighting.
And then what?
And... And then...
Mom just...
Mom kind of flipped out.
She's gonna be okay.
This happened once before.
When?
I don't know.
Um, I guess you were
too young to remember.
She was gone for, like, 10 days,
and then she came back.
That wooden box that you have,
with the horse on it?
Yeah?
She made that thing there.
At the hospital?
Mom's been sad
for a really long time.
She and Dad, they just...
they just don't get along.
Well, then they should think
about us and not themselves.
Well, they do. They just do it
in their own way.
Wow!
Whoa!
Oh, oh, oh! Oh!
Oh!
I wanna report a murder.
Sit down.
Where was this murder
committed?
San Francisco, last night.
Who was murdered?
I was.
Griz?
Griz?
Come here a sec.
Hello.
Mom?
Greta.
Where are you?
I'm here at home.
Are you okay?
Are you?
I'm okay.
You were at the hospital.
Things were hard while
you were at camp.
Why didn't anyone tell me?
I don't know.
I don't know why your
father didn't tell you.
I miss you so much.
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
Did you hurt yourself or anything?
No, I'm okay. I'm okay.
Are you coming out here?
You have to know how
much I love you, Greta.
Are you?
It's very complicated.
Dad?
Did you meet anyone cool at school?
Not really.
Did you meet any dorkuses?
You mean other than you?
Other than you.
Nope.
Hey, where's your meteorite?
Is this the longest
you guys have been apart?
It's just a rock, you know.
# Behind, it's alive
Its colors glow #
# The red sun
# You wear a shelter song
# Feel it coming on strong
# And I will stay close to you
# You don't show it,
but you want me to #
# We are dogs
and run in the pack #
# We shed blood
# No one
# Goes
# Home alone
# No one
# Goes
# Home alone
# Good morning
in the land of the sun #
# Remember when
your heart was young #
# Your hand is a fist
So proud of your pride #
# You can see
the dead child in anyone #
# We've been through flowers
in fertile caves #
# And the desolate
loneliness there #
# Beauty delays
# We are dogs
and run in the pack #
# We shed blood
# No one
# Goes
# Home alone
# No one
# Goes
# Home alone
# No one
# Gets
# Home alone
# No one
# Gets
# Home alone
Catch!
Come on, Griz.
You should be up already.
- Come on.
- Wait.
Oh.
You might be getting
a real one of those soon.
Really?
Maybe.
But let's bring him anyway.
Would you give me a hand with this,
Caroline, instead of your hair?
Come on, Griz.
We're late.
Well, sunshine will
stay with us this afternoon.
Temperatures top out
into the middle 80s.
That's some 20 degrees... I still don't
get why we can't bring Vincent.
Where should we put him,
Nat-man? Your lap?
Yes, please.
Not as warm...
- because clouds will be...
- Mom'll bring him.
When exactly?
About 10 days, give or take.
Is she taking
a Boeing 747 or 747SP?
Oh, SP.
There's only one of those,
and it's in the United Arab Emirates.
How'd you get so smart,
Nat-man?
Say bye to your house, guys.
Bye, house.
So they're hiking for days,
all tied to each other
on a rope.
They're exhausted.
They're starving.
They can barely keep up
with this old Chang guy.
Finally,
they climb one
last, huge ridge.
And you guys will never guess
what they see next.
- An elephant. - Kristy Murphy
using the flatiron she stole.
A swimming pool?
Bingo. Griz got it.
Speaking of, you nerds realize you're going
to be the proud new owners of a pool, right?
- With a... With a slide?
- If you're lucky.
So listen. So what Conway actually sees
is a mountain city...
so beautiful, so perfect,
it's like paradise, or heaven even.
And they're...
Hey, Griz, You wanna
hear about Shangri-La?
How's Harrison?
He's so-so.
Probably wondering what he's doing
hanging out with a 12-year-old.
Well smile, Harrison.
You're headed for sunshine
300 days a year.
I love this music.
Feed me.
I'm hungry. I'm hungry.
I'm very hungry.
Ahh.
Hey, Nat-Man!
Griz!
She's a natural, folks.
Yeah.
Look at all these porkers.
If you listen close, you can hear
the diabetes setting in.
Hey, porkers!
Shh!
What? What?
C... Cut it out.
Three bucks for yogurt when you
can get meat for a buck, 99.
I wouldn't call that "meat."
Dad, I hate fast food.
Just like your mother.
Little Miss Organic.
How'd I get the one kid in America
who hates fast food?
I don't know.
- Did you make any friends at camp?
- A few.
- Did you tell them about
your big move? - No.
- Why not? - I wasn't sure if
it was really gonna happen.
It's happening, Griz.
It's happening.
So Mom's okay with it now?
We'll see. Your mom doesn't
see California the way I do,
but she doesn't know it like I do.
They got a great
community garden out there.
She's gonna be able to keep
doing her volunteer thing.
Why'd she have to go to Aunt Deedee's
right before we left?
I haven't seen her in, like,
four weeks and three days.
I know, honey.
It'll just be a few more.
Forget about it.
No, no.
That's not accurate.
No. I've been clear
about this for months.
The 27th.
Talk to Gibbs in H.R.
That's who I spoke to.
Let me write something,
or I'll drop this on your head.
- You'll see her in nine days.
- Her and Fluffy?
Natty, I do not think that fish is
gonna survive Mom's suitcase.
Don't be silly. She's gonna put
plastic wrap over the bowl.
Okay, that'll work.
Ew! Ew! Ew! I really doubt you'll be
saying that for long.
No, no, no!
Don't! Give it! Oh, my...
There's something wrong
with this kid.
I know.
He sleeps with a rock.
It's a meteorite, dummy.
Plus, you sleep with a rabbit.
I don't get why you're obsessed
with that Noah weirdo.
I don't get why you're obsessed
with that piece of shit.
- Do you have to swear? - I forgot I was
in the presence of Miss Righteous.
Caroline's gonna get married.
Why would she wanna do that?
- So she has someone to fight with.
- Ooh!
- Oh, dear God.
- Oh!
That's so gross.
Here, Ham.
Here's a present.
You just got those
from the bathroom,
which, not to mention,
is now polluted.
So what? They're top-of-the-line
"silky tresses."
No. Fine.
I'll give them to Griz.
She'll have the softer, shinier
and more manageable hair.
At least Griz loves me.
No. Just clean hair.
Guy can't cut a break
around here, eh, Harrison?
Hey, Dad?
Yeah.
How long till the Grand Canyon?
Three or four days.
I'm gonna get you there as soon
as I can, Natty. Promise.
This is the Grand Canyon Express.
Hey, Natty.
Yeah?
- You gonna do the dance?
- If you're lucky.
Come on. Do it.
What's this?
Seymour the fag duck again.
Look at his hair.
Good one.
All right. Okay.
Yeah. Stop that.
Now.
It is the Tri-Roller
with a bag...
that comes along with it.
It's a complete exercise system
with a work-out DVD.
And we're promising you when
working out with the Ab Doer,
it's going to be far less impact
on your legs and knees.
Everybody has been
talking about that...
and how they love
being elevated.
They love being up and off the floor
in a seated position,
whittling away the middle,
combining the Ab Doer Twist system...
along with cardio
and a healthy eating...
Turn it back on.
...see what you're going to get.
We're including for you your
complete Ab Doer Twist system.
So it comes along with it.
You're going to get a great
massage as you're working out.
You're going to be...
Breakfast!
Vitamins for you guys too.
What's the score?
4-3. Bases loaded for the A's.
Oh!
Don't tell me that nimrod
Wilson's pitching. Yeah.
Hey, Dad!
Yeah, Nat-man.
Soap in my eyes!
Uh-oh. You all right?
My X-ray vision!
Don't worry
about the X-ray vision.
Only acid can destroy that.
Just rinse them out.
Hey. Griz-meister. Breakfast.
Is that English
you're speaking?
Come on. We gotta check out and go.
Have some bagel and vitamins.
I hate those things.
Tough.
Whatcha reading, Natty?
Flora and fauna
of the Grand Canyon.
What's the biggest fauna?
Mountain lion?
Nah. They're all dead.
Those jerks.
Hey, Dad, now how long
till we get to the Grand Canyon?
Well, we're 10 hours closer
than the last time you asked.
Good. 'Cause we only have
two more months...
till the Mexican long-tongued bat
goes into hibernation.
I think I better step on it then.
Uh-huh.
What's Griz listening to?
She only has one album.
Yeah. Morrissey.
Who? Isn't that the dorkus
down the street?
Billy? Morry?
What are you guys
talking about?
- Your depressing emo music.
- Like you guys know anything.
All the stuff you kids listen to these
days is awful. Except Sting.
As if anyone listens to Sting.
- You mean I'm out of the loop?
- No geriatrics are in the loop, Dad.
Hey, Dad. Do you think they'll let me
on the football team in Arcadia?
I don't see why not.
'Cause I weigh 62 pounds,
that's why not. Listen, Nat-man.
There's nothing you can't do
if you try hard enough.
Maybe you can be
on the swim team.
There's gonna be a pool
at our house, you know.
You should see the office they set
me up with, right on Beverly Drive.
Palm trees, even,
right out my window.
Hey, Dad, when is my first riding lesson?
Soon as we get settled.
I wouldn't hold my breath.
No, come on.
A promise is a promise.
And one of those... the Cherry Tripler.
Gotta be 18 for those.
I know. It's for my dad.
That's for my mom.
I'll bet.
Come on, Nat.
Ohh!
Look.
Where'd you get those?
Did you pay for that?
Nope.
You were the decoy, and I snagged...
That's stealing.
Guys, come on.
Let's go.
Go bring it back.
No way.
Greta, come on. They're just Tootsie Rolls.
What if Mom knew you did that?
Guys, come on.
That's nice. It's not even noon,
for Christ sakes.
Whole country's
going down the tubes.
We'll do a number after
we cross every state border.
Come on, Greta.
That'll take forever.
What are you nerds
whispering about back there?
Nothing.
What's that nudie thing for?
It's not a nudie thing.
It's for luck.
Oh. Cool.
- Are you sure, uh, this is the right way?
- I don't know.
It said you had
to get on the 65,
but I don't know
if you passed it.
The 65's back there.
What?
Jesus!
Hey, slow down, asshole!
Dad.
You like that?
I'll sit here all day
if I have to.
Huh? Is that better? Idiot.
Fuckin' asshole!
You must be a fucking asshole!
What did you call me?
Fucking asshole!
You got something to say?
Back the hell away from me, moron!
- Back off. - Get out of the fucking
car and say that to me. Huh?
I'll fuck all y'all up!
Dad! Dad, what are you doing?
Get the fuck away from my kids!
Fucking asshole! I'm gonna fucking
sue the shit out of you!
Don't you fucking go anywhere!
I got your fucking license plate, asshole!
If they ask you kids anything,
just agree with what I say.
What?
Just do as I say.
Now, what exactly happened
out there?
You know we're gonna have to check
and see if he's pressing charges.
Well, we were on our way
to a wake.
These kids' aunt...
passed away.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah.
They certainly
didn't need this today.
I... I'm sorry for what happened,
but that man verbally and then physically
threatened my kids and me.
I was acting in self-defense.
Who started the argument?
He did.
He approached the car,
spewing profanities.
He... He threatened us.
He could have had a gun,
for all I know it.
I... I...
I felt like I had
to protect my family.
See, when something like that happens,
you gotta be smart.
You gotta decide
which is the bigger risk...
acting or staying passive.
Because it was safer to get out there
and confront that maniac...
than to let him pull a gun
and shoot all of you.
Hey, when someone threatens you guys,
I'm not taking any chances.
You never sit back
when you're in danger.
You find a way out of it.
But you lied.
I know.
Sometimes
you have to lie, Greta.
What would you do if Dad
was in jail right now, huh?
Where would you be? Probably at
some overfunded government facility.
Mom would come get us.
Your mom's not here, is she?
In the larger scheme of things,
that lie isn't gonna hurt anybody.
It helped us get out
of that situation, that's all.
You kids are good sports.
You guys want dessert?
Like this.
That's what they're used to.
A chicken?
Do you think Dad would have
really gone to jail yesterday?
I don't know.
I don't think so.
Well, they would have
sent us home, right?
Not to some overplundered
government facility.
I hope not.
Why not? Cause I really don't
wanna go back there.
Hey, guys, do you think
if they found out Dad lied,
they would have
put him in jail?
I don't think so, Natty.
No.
Who's he talking to?
I'm not accepting that.
Who was that?
It was a business call.
- What aren't you accepting?
- Were you eavesdropping?
No.
Can we call Mom now?
No.
Why not?
She's not home yet.
Well, then can you give me
Aunt Deedee's number?
I don't have
that kook's number.
Hmm? Who's there?
What the hell
are you doing, Greta?
I was just getting some air.
Get back in bed.
There's psychos out there.
The Earth is here,
and Mars is the closest planet.
What about Ganymede?
Huh?
Ganymede, the moon by...
the moon by Jupiter.
Oh. Right.
And Europa.
And the other two.
Well, sure, if you want to get
that detailed about it.
It's not detail, Dad.
It's the facts.
Well, technically it's both.
And...
Hmm?
What's that? My meteorite?
You don't recognize it, Nat-man?
You should.
Oh.
Hmm?
Uh, it's too close to Jupiter
to be Saturn. Mm-hmm.
Um, and it...
So it might be "Callisto or IO."
It's Uranus.
What?
What's Uranus doing there?
Oh, Dad.
Girls, look at Nat's Uranus
out here next to Mars.
Caroline, where's that horoscope
you were reading?
Maybe Nat's Uranus is entering the
House of Venus, for luck in love.
I hope Nat's Uranus doesn't
cause another Big Bang.
Mine wouldn't.
Yours would. Aw, pltt!
Yes.
Can... Can we call Mom now?
Hi. Tom, Jane, Caroline,
Greta and Nat aren't home.
Please leave us your message.
We'll call you back.
Mom, it's us.
Hi, Mom.
Uh, we just wanted to see if you
were home, but I guess you're not.
Or maybe you're at the Kents'?
Hey, Mommy, we're in Missouri.
And don't forget to bring Fluffy. Bye.
We love you, Mom.
You got five minutes.
Well?
Told you guys.
# Rolling, rolling, rolling
# Behind
# Rolling, rolling, rolling #
# Rawhide That's right.
It's... # Keep
those dogies rolling #
# Rolling, rolling, rolling
Rawhide #
No!
All right. Stay in the car.
I'll be quick.
Yes, sir.
Where are you going?
Dad said to stay in the car.
I'll be right back.
Wait up!
Come on, Griz. Let's go.
Dad's probably back by now.
Griz!
What if our place
looks like that?
Probably full of psychos.
Greta, come on.
Hey.
Hey, guy.
Greta!
Hey, hey, hey.
He don't like trespassers.
Aw, G... What are you doing!
Where were you guys?
Greta almost got
attacked by a dog.
I told you to stay in the car.
I had to mail something.
Next time you do as I say.
You all right, Greta?
- Isn't this place nice, guys?
- Nicer than a homeless shelter.
I love this place.
Why don't you get
the meat loaf, Griz?
Order the meat loaf for Harrison.
I'll eat whatever he doesn't eat.
I know what I want, thanks.
Natty, what are you having?
Either the half chicken or the...
fettuccine Alfredo.
Fettucine is a rip-off
for something with...
no protein, eh.
No protein, Tony!
Oh. Hello.
How are you today, Agnes?
Are you ready to order?
Well,
got a couple questions first.
How big would you say the chopped
steak is? Is it a good size meal...
Well, it says right there. Steamed
vegetables, choice of mashed,
baked or rice.
And the size?
Of the meat?
It's a normal size.
I asked you a reasonable question,
and I'm expecting
a reasonable response.
Is it eight ounces?
Ten?
Six? Five?
Four? Three?
Two?
All right, just...
bring me the meat loaf with the mashed
potatoes and a glass of the house red.
My son here will have
the half chicken. Greta?
I'll have the chicken-and-corn salad.
Hold the chicken.
- What do you mean, hold the chicken?
- I don't want it.
I'm not asking you.
Just bring it with the chicken.
I don't like the chicken neither.
Um, I'll have the meat loaf.
Well, I'd give her
an "A" for attitude,
a D-minus for server skills.
She has big arms.
This isn't the Four Seasons.
You got it all wrong. I don't
care what the place is called.
I'm not giving them my business
so she can give me attitude.
That's something you're
gonna have to learn.
I ordered a glass of wine,
not a shot.
Well, this is the house serving.
This ain't France.
Oh, okay. All right. Come on, kids.
We're leaving. Let's go.
Let's go. Come on.
Come on, let's go.
Jesus Christ. I knew they were
gonna pull a stunt like that.
Then why did we go here?
We came here 'cause you girls
are constantly complaining...
about not going to sit-down
restaurants, remember? Okay.
Where we gonna eat now?
Yeah.
Okay, Dad, look, maybe you should
just relax, just calm down.
You're getting stressed out. You better...
You don't tell me what to do, you hear me?
You better show your father
some respect.
Both of you.
Just wait here, guys.
I'll be quick.
We don't even know
if we're staying here, Greta.
I'm gonna come.
Hey, Greta, wait up.
Is he calling Mom?
I doubt it.
Is Mom gonna be there
on the first day of school?
I don't know.
If she's not,
will you make me the sandwich?
What sandwich?
The star-shaped one
she makes every first day.
She never made me that.
Why does she bring
that stupid bunny everywhere?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Well, listen.
You go this route,
you're gonna regret it. That...
That's right.
Yeah, I am threatening you.
You tell them
they can go fuck themselves.
Christ.
Where's my cheese?
Dad's walk's taking forever.
Maybe he's on the phone again.
Pick a card, any card.
Get ready for the most
astonishing,
the most magical magic trick
in the whole universe.
Okay, you guys better
pick those up.
Who writes with
a fountain pen anyway?
Mom gave it to me. Do you
want me to say hi for you?
I don't get why you're
mad at her.
She's the one that
wanted us to stay.
Greta, trying to watch this.
Dad didn't even care how she felt about
the move. You should be mad at him.
Shh.
You could have at least pretended
you didn't wanna move.
So what, it's my fault now?
Well, maybe it would have
made a difference. Okay.
So Dad's gonna turn down a big offer
after six months without a job,
just because I don't wanna move.
I heard him on the phone,
yelling and swearing and stuff.
He's probably just threatening.
Who?
I don't know. Maybe the guy
that he tackled.
That guy threatened
to sue him, remember?
Why isn't he mentioning
any of this to us?
Maybe he figures that we have
enough to worry about right now.
Mom should have just come. Jesus.
Will you just shut up about Mom already?
Okay?
It's not like she's dead.
You don't even care
that she's not here.
All you care about
is your stupid boyfriend.
Natty... Natty, what's wrong?
Nothing.
Greta...
Greta, where are you going?
It's past your bedtime,
little girl.
Remember that time
when we found that little bat?
How a cat tore up his wings
and he couldn't fly?
You remember how Mom took him out
back behind the house in the woods...
and said he would be fine?
She said bats
had special powers.
What do you think
happened to him?
I don't know.
I know.
Are you okay, Griz?
You were making
the weirdest noises.
Dad and Ham went out to get us
continental breakfast.
Come on.
# Rolling, rolling, rolling
Hey, kids, look.
Oklahoma.
You guys excited
to meet the Acreses?
They have a great place.
Pool even.
Their kid's about your age.
- Who are those people again?
- They're good friends of ours.
So suddenly they're our good friends
when they save us motel money.
Hank's an old college buddy.
It's funny. He's the one
who introduced me to California.
Does Mom even know
that we're going there?
- It's kind of funny how she's left out
of all this stuff. - Give me a break.
Like when you picked the house,
did she have a say in it?
Jesus. This again.
Yes, she did.
Well, when I was at camp,
she just said that you just picked it.
I laid out three options. She didn't
want anything to do with the decision.
I remember that. You showed
me the pictures even.
Listen, I had to act fast.
That's what happens.
You wait a day,
you lose the house. Period.
I don't wanna move.
- You too now?
- What do you mean now?
I'm just trying to get the information,
to be more informed.
You're always saying
that we should be more informed.
You can't be privy to everything,
not at age 12.
Well, don't stick me
with their kid.
I can guarantee
he'll be a complete dorkus.
Is this what our house
is gonna look like, Dad?
Close.
Hey. Can't we leave the kryptonite
in the car for once?
Meh.
Be polite, nerds.
Dad, I'm sure they heard the
first time. Big house.
Hey!
Tom! Oh!
We were expecting
you guys yesterday.
Oh. Yeah.
I... I tried calling. Uh...
Oh.
That... That's okay.
Don't worry. Come on in.
Come on, kids. Ah.
Hey.
Wow.
Huh?
Please...
Please make yourselves at home.
Oh, isn't she cute?
It's a he.
Harrison's been the best
behaved of all of them.
I'll bet he has.
Hank, come on down!
Tom's here!
So you having a blast
on your road trip, sweetie?
Mm-hmm. He can't wait
to see the Grand Canyon.
Oh. It is such a sight.
It's gorgeous.
I will never forget it.
And to think that an earthquake
made that enormous hole.
I think it was
the Colorado River.
So... you guys excited
about your move?
Yeah. Sure they are.
Moving's not so bad. Just ask Evan.
He loves it here now.
So, you like it here?
I hate it.
At least you have a pool.
Oh. You wanna go in, do you?
No, no, no. No, no.
No, no. Do not...
Do not push me in. No.
Hey. You wanna play
pool basketball?
Oh. No. I'm fine.
That's a cute swimsuit
you got on.
Thanks.
Oh.
Don't you wanna go swimming?
Give it! Give it!
Maybe this will get you to laugh.
Do you ever feel like
your face isn't yours?
What do you mean?
Sometimes I just feel...
like my brain isn't
even connected to my face.
Like it's a stranger's
or something.
If I were you,
I'd wish my face was a stranger.
Gross.
You're too cool
for your own good.
How come you don't play
and stuff like you used to?
I just don't.
I know why you're not going in.
You like him.
# Ooh, Griz loves Evan,
sittin' in a tree #
Stop it!
Stop!
She won't even acknowledge this
is the best offer I've ever had, so...
How are the kids doing?
Great. They'll adjust.
Even if Jane keeps being stubborn.
If it were up to her parents, she'd
move back in with them. It's...
Griz, if you're not gonna play,
at least let us.
Geez!
Hi. Tom, Jane, Caroline,
Greta and Nat aren't home.
Please leave us your message.
We'll call you back.
Mom, I don't care if you
and Dad hate each other.
Just please come out here.
Please.
We can live in separate houses
or something.
Just come.
Hey. Sweetie, you wanna
come out and join us?
Listen, hon.
I know that everything that's happening
just can't be easy for you kids.
It's okay. You know, with the move
and everything,
your Mom not being here...
My mom's coming.
I've got watermelon out there.
Do you know that?
Come on.
Griz, it's me.
Can I come in?
Why didn't you wanna go
swimming today?
It's 'cause of your legs, isn't it?
What?
You're embarrassed
because your legs are hairy.
It's okay.
I totally remember that feeling.
It's gross.
It's not gross.
But yeah, you should
probably start to shave.
Mom said I shouldn't start yet.
She said it'll make it come back
all thick and hairy.
Oh, come on. No.
Let's do it now.
Now?
Yeah. No one will know.
Come on. Get up on here.
Come on.
All right.
Put your legs out.
All right.
Gotta make sure
the water's warm, okay?
So it opens up your pores.
Yeah, rub it.
All right.
Ready?
See?
Easy.
You do it.
You gotta do it like that
if you want boys to like you.
Why do you like Noah anyway?
You'll see.
What's that supposed to mean?
Just wait until a guy likes you,
and then you'll see.
Guys don't like me.
They will.
What do you...
do all the time anyway?
Make out?
It's been known to happen.
How do you...
You want me
to show you that too?
Practice on your arm.
It's easy.
No!
Look, okay?
Like this.
Come on. Just don't be
sloppy about it. Ew.
Are all these questions
because of Evan? No!
Come on.
He's kind of cute, isn't he?
You kinda like him?
Gross.
Hey, girls!
We'll finish later, okay?
Come on.
Hey... Ooh. You're workin'
on a whopper there.
Dad!
Hmm?
I like the food. A lot.
Mmm.
Hey, ladies.
- How's the slumber party?
- You're not invited.
What are we gossiping about?
We're writing postcards, actually.
Oh.
Yeah.
So whatcha got in there?
Come on.
Show him your cool pictures.
Whoa.
Greta, who's the sexy one for,
your boyfriend?
No, it's... it's not that.
It's for my mom.
Well, I wanna meet your mom then.
If she's into that.
Get out, you pervert.
These are some attractive ladies.
I'm not the one who bought it.
It's for luck.
Can I have it then?
Get out. Get out!
Fine. Fine.
Sweet dreams, ladies.
Lame.
Yeah.
Tom, you have to understand
the position that we're in.
Yeah, if I needed your help,
I would have asked.
It's not like we stole your firstborn.
Just calm down.
Yeah. Yeah. It's none
of your goddamn business.
- Excuse me?
- It's not.
She deserves to know
where her kids are.
The Demarcos's lawyer is calling here in
20 minutes. He expects you to be here.
Jesus Christ. Ellen, Hank,
Thanks for the hospitality.
I don't think you
should leave just yet.
Yeah? Thanks
for the advice, buddy.
What are we supposed to tell
them when your call comes?
Merry Christmas. Get your stuff ready.
Where's your sister?
We're leaving.
Ham, get your stuff together.
Come on.
Greta!
I'm not kidding!
We're going! Where are you?
Come on!
Hey, Griz!
Let's see if they have
some flip-flops.
Why?
I don't know. Everyone wears
those in California.
Okay.
Hey, Greta, you joining?
Greta's in a bad mood
these days.
So, what, you're not
talking to me now?
No.
Why? 'Cause of Evan?
Oh, my God. You said,
and I quote, "Ew."
You didn't actually
like him, did you?
You have a boyfriend. Last time I checked
he was my "stupid" boyfriend.
You cheated.
So I'm not perfect, so sue me.
You are so goddamn
self-righteous.
You said you and Noah were gonna
get married. I never said that.
Yes, you did.
Well, I bet he's hooked up...
with Kristy Murphy
by now anyway.
Did you go all the way?
Jesus!
Did you?
What does it matter?
Well, what if you're pregnant?
What if you have a disease?
You are such a goddamn baby.
You know what? I really hope
you make a mistake someday.
That way I can treat you
like shit after.
Aren't you sick of bologna?
I love bologna.
It's processed meat. Do you know
what that means? Mm-mmm.
It means that random pig parts
are in there. Mm-hmm.
Okay, like brains
and balls and chemicals.
You said balls.
Oh, God.
It's 172 condors up there.
Hmm.
Where you going?
To take a walk.
Am I allowed?
# Twinkle, twinkle,
little Griz #
# How I wonder what she is
# Up above the world so high #
# Like a diamond in my eye
Would you stop?
# Twinkle...
You used to love
when I sang that.
Yeah, when I was five.
How you doing, buddy?
I bet you like
the Rockies, huh?
Maybe one day, when you get bigger,
we'll climb those mountains.
How would you like that, huh?
You never take us hiking.
I got something for you.
Jesus, Dad!
I'm sorry to be the one
to give you those.
I just didn't want to invade your
privacy by telling Caroline,
you know, in case she didn't know.
And since
your mom's not around...
Stop!
I don't wanna talk about this.
Just leave me alone.
Well, you really should talk about
it with someone. Well, not you.
Definitely not you.
Greta.
You don't walk away
while I'm talking to you.
You've turned into a rude young lady.
What happened to you?
What happened
to the lucky postcard?
Lost it.
Now we're never gonna win.
You nerds wanna hear
the rest of Shangri-La?
Mm.
- Wanna play ghost?
- Mm.
You kids are no fun.
Aren't you going
to answer that?
Telemarketers.
Are you sure it's not Mom?
It's not Mom.
How do you know?
It's an unknown number.
Well, it could be Aunt Deedee's.
You know, the kook.
It could be one
of your boyfriends.
Gee, come on. Griz, smile.
Take a joke.
Greta's not into boys.
Maybe not now.
Someday soon she'll be
beating 'em away with a stick.
Stop.
What happened at the Acres'?
Are Grandma and Grandpa suing you?
What? No.
Well, what then?
What about the lawyer?
Why could that Acres lady
call Aunt Deedee and we can't?
Okay, this eavesdropping of yours
has got to stop. It's not your concern.
- It is my concern.
- It is not.
Shit.
Goddamn it.
Shit.
Goddamn it.
Good evening.
Evening.
Driver's license
and registration, please.
All right. But, uh,
first do you mind telling me
what I've done wrong?
Sir, I'm gonna ask you again.
Driver's license
and registration, please.
Got it right here.
About to expire.
About to.
No law against that yet,
is there, Officer?
Thanks.
Is this your father, young man?
- Yeah, that's my son, Nat...
- I wasn't talking to you, sir.
Unbelievable.
Go ahead and answer
the question, son.
- He wasn't kidnapping us.
That was just a joke. - Wha...
Sir, you keep your eyes in front
and your hands on the wheel.
What the hell did you kids do?
You wanna pass that sign
to me, young lady?
This is ridiculous.
They're my kids.
They're... They're messing around.
That was smart.
Jesus.
What, now I'm being written up?
What for?
Sir, you were going 91
in a 75 zone.
Think that's safe, with those kids
back there like that?
I happen to know for a fact
I wasn't going that fast, Officer.
Hey, you kids shouldn't
play around like that.
You have yourself
a good evening, sir.
350-friggin'- bucks!
Unbelievable!
What were you thinking, Nat?
I did it.
You're in real trouble,
young lady.
Don't you ever pull a stunt
like that again.
Well, if you weren't speeding,
then we wouldn't have gotten
- pulled over in the first place.
- Don't push me, Greta, you hear me?
Just as crazy as your mother.
What? What did you just say?
It's nothing new, is it?
She's always playing
the victim, you know.
Just after you were born...
I don't know if you knew
anything about this,
but I'm gonna tell you 'cause I think
you're old enough now.
Just after you were born,
she went up to Vermont,
to her sister's.
She wanted to separate.
I wasn't gonna let that happen.
She was just being hysterical,
calling her parents every day,
getting them against me too.
Her dad, your grandfather, tried to
get involved. It was bad stuff.
I mean...
It was really bad stuff.
Wha... What kind of stuff?
She was claiming
I'd emotionally abused her,
bullshit stuff like that.
Excuse my language.
But that's the word for it.
She was lucky I was willing to stay married
to her, mostly for your sake, you know.
That's just not the kind of thing
a mother should do with a baby.
I convinced her
to come back, but...
your life would be
different now if she hadn't.
Your mom used to be so happy
back when I met her.
She was so pretty.
She still is.
Hey, Ham.
Things happen for a reason.
You know?
You're gonna love Arcadia.
No more cliquey New England.
Your dad's never had a shot
like this one, never.
Now I get to be my own boss,
you know?
But I just worry that
the same thing's gonna happen...
No, no, no.
This is an entirely
different situation.
These guys were literally begging
me to come out there.
Cheer up.
You're gonna be
a California girl.
My California kids.
It's Grand Canyon day!
You gotta be kidding me.
Maybe it'll go fast.
What is this, national Grand
Canyon day? Jesus.
We're finally here, Natty.
Finally.
Uh, that'll be $49.
Twenty-five for the vehicle
and 24 for the two adults.
I think I heard you say $49.
I must have heard wrong.
No, you heard right, sir.
Really?
I...
I don't know that I can condone
that kind of highway robbery...
when it comes
to a national treasure.
Let me ask you something.
Do you feel comfortable
charging that kind of money...
for something owned
by taxpayers?
Someone's gotta pay for the upkeep,
the salaries and so forth.
Well, I thought that's
why I have the pleasure...
of the federal government taking
40% of my salary every year.
Nope. It's not for the Grand Canyon
entrance fees, sir.
Yeah?
You can keep
your Grand Canyon then.
Dad, you can't do this to him.
You just can't.
I thought a promise
was a promise.
Okay, I'm sorry, guys, but...
we're way behind schedule.
You kids gotta start school.
I gotta start my job.
We don't wanna rush through
something like that.
We'll go back someday
when we have more time, okay?
Hey, I tell you what.
We'll go to Walnut Canyon instead.
You told us we were
going to the Grand Canyon,
not some other dinky canyon.
Yeah, well, we're not.
That's just the way it's gonna be.
Why? Just because you're too cheap
to do what you promised?
You better shut
your mouth, Greta.
Not this again.
You shut yours too.
Or what? What are you gonna do?
Abandon us like you did Mom?
Give me a break. You know damn well
your mother's coming later.
Why do you keep feeding us this bull?
You're divorcing her! Admit it!
Why don't you
just tell us the truth?
Hey! I've had enough
of your lip.
Your mother abandoned you,
not the other way around.
Get that through your goddamn skull,
you ungrateful little shit.
Who's with you right now?
Who's carting you 3,000 miles at great
personal hardship and expense? Huh?
I got news for you.
It's not your mother.
You're a liar!
I wanna go back to Mom!
- Get out then. Get out!
- Jesus, Dad, stop!
- No! - Yeah. Get out and
run back to your mommy.
- I don't wanna look at your little face.
- Dad, this is crazy.
You can't do this.
Stop!
- You're a fucking asshole!
- Get out!
Hi. Tom, Jane,
Caroline, Greta and...
Come with me a second.
You know, I don't enjoy having
those kinds of arguments with you.
I don't want them
to keep happening.
I do understand that this is hard
on you, this move and all.
I'm going to tell you something that
will probably make it harder.
Your mom...
isn't at Aunt Deedee's.
Where is she then?
She's at a psychiatric clinic.
Why?
Because she had a breakdown
when you were at camp.
Breakdown? That's right.
A nervous breakdown.
She'll be there a little longer,
then she'll be out.
Why did we leave her then?
You know why.
We had to get
to California, Griz.
It'll be okay.
She'll be out soon.
What about the lawyers...
and Grandma and Grandpa?
They seem to think that I'm not
allowed to move you kids,
and they're wrong.
What are they doing?
Oh, they're just making
empty threats mostly.
Nothing you need
to get too worried about.
What's gonna happen? It'll all
be okay, Griz. I promise.
Does Caroline know?
Why didn't you tell me?
Why wouldn't you tell me?
Well, I didn't wanna make this
whole process harder on you kids.
But you lied to us.
No.
You said so yourself. Sometimes you
have to lie. No. Not in this case.
Listen.
There are realities kids aren't
supposed to deal with yet.
You have the rest of your life
to deal with this crap.
I'd rather not be a part
of dishing it out now.
But you are.
This move is going to turn out to be
one of the best things...
to ever happen to our family.
We're not even
a family anymore.
Oh, that's not fair.
You kept acting like everything
was gonna be fine.
I think it will be.
I don't.
Ah-ha-ha!
There it is, guys...
Los Angeles.
The city of angels.
Los Angeles.
We made it.
Whoo-hoo!
Well, nerds,
you've just traveled 2,848 miles
to your new home.
What? This will be fine, guys.
You haven't even seen the pool.
Come on.
Ah, okay, so,
we'll all sleep in here together
till we rent the furniture.
That way you guys don't have
to sleep alone.
We're renting furniture?
Yeah.
- When will that be?
- Soon.
Hey, Dad?
Yeah?
Are these for the pool?
Well, that's one way to use 'em. But we're
gonna use 'em as mattresses for now.
Does someone wanna give me a hand
blowing these things up?
Well, tomorrow I'll drop
you guys off at school.
We'll have to find
another solution though...
because I'll need
to leave early for work.
I'll get you guys bikes.
What about me?
I'll figure something out.
- Come on, Caroline.
- You could ride a bike too.
- When's Mom coming?
- Please say soon.
Probably in the next
couple weeks.
We'll see.
You said she'd be here.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
I'm sorry I don't have
all the answers.
No one does.
Hey, Ham?
Mm-hmm?
Could you show me how to do
my hair like yours? For school.
Why do you wanna look like me?
I don't know.
You're pretty.
I'll do it for you
in the morning.
Dad told me about
what happened with Mom.
What happened when I was away?
Just a lot of the typical fighting.
And then what?
And... And then...
Mom just...
Mom kind of flipped out.
She's gonna be okay.
This happened once before.
When?
I don't know.
Um, I guess you were
too young to remember.
She was gone for, like, 10 days,
and then she came back.
That wooden box that you have,
with the horse on it?
Yeah?
She made that thing there.
At the hospital?
Mom's been sad
for a really long time.
She and Dad, they just...
they just don't get along.
Well, then they should think
about us and not themselves.
Well, they do. They just do it
in their own way.
Wow!
Whoa!
Oh, oh, oh! Oh!
Oh!
I wanna report a murder.
Sit down.
Where was this murder
committed?
San Francisco, last night.
Who was murdered?
I was.
Griz?
Griz?
Come here a sec.
Hello.
Mom?
Greta.
Where are you?
I'm here at home.
Are you okay?
Are you?
I'm okay.
You were at the hospital.
Things were hard while
you were at camp.
Why didn't anyone tell me?
I don't know.
I don't know why your
father didn't tell you.
I miss you so much.
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
Did you hurt yourself or anything?
No, I'm okay. I'm okay.
Are you coming out here?
You have to know how
much I love you, Greta.
Are you?
It's very complicated.
Dad?
Did you meet anyone cool at school?
Not really.
Did you meet any dorkuses?
You mean other than you?
Other than you.
Nope.
Hey, where's your meteorite?
Is this the longest
you guys have been apart?
It's just a rock, you know.
# Behind, it's alive
Its colors glow #
# The red sun
# You wear a shelter song
# Feel it coming on strong
# And I will stay close to you
# You don't show it,
but you want me to #
# We are dogs
and run in the pack #
# We shed blood
# No one
# Goes
# Home alone
# No one
# Goes
# Home alone
# Good morning
in the land of the sun #
# Remember when
your heart was young #
# Your hand is a fist
So proud of your pride #
# You can see
the dead child in anyone #
# We've been through flowers
in fertile caves #
# And the desolate
loneliness there #
# Beauty delays
# We are dogs
and run in the pack #
# We shed blood
# No one
# Goes
# Home alone
# No one
# Goes
# Home alone
# No one
# Gets
# Home alone
# No one
# Gets
# Home alone