Are You Being Served? (1977) Movie Script

[light orchestral music]
[grand orchestral music]
[upbeat funk music]
[vacuum whirring]
Here, what do you think you're playing at?
What are you going on about?
I bet it ain't the first time
you've lost your knickers in a tube.
Mr. Harman.
Will you please hurry about your business
and get back to the store room?
You've got no authority
over me, so get stuffed.
I didn't hear that.
You've got no authority
over me, so get stuffed!
[knocking on door]
[Mrs. Slocombe] Oh! Drat.
The damn door's stuck again!
It's Mrs. Slocombe,
she's trapped in the lift!
Mr. Harman, get that door open.
[knocking on door]
See if you can force it open.
Get your feet at it.
Pull, pull. That's right.
It's time somebody saw
to this dratted thing.
Come on, we'll give you a hand.
Oh, pass your stuff out.
Yes, take Mrs. Slocombe's things.
Oh, and would you mind
taking this, Mr. Harman?
Take the bag, take the bag.
Yes, but how am I going to get down?
You'll have to back out.
I'll get you a stool.
Oh, thank you, Miss Brahms. Oh!
Would you mind holding my pussy?
[cat meows]
Mrs. Slocombe, you're
not taking that thing
on holiday with you, are you?
Well, of course I'm not.
I'm boarding her at the pussy
hotel in the pet department.
She's such a retiring little soul.
She won't be by the time some
of them randy moggies up there
give her a good going-over.
I am paying a surcharge
for her private quarters.
That's the bit they're
looking forward to.
[Miss Brahms] Here Mrs. Slocombe,
here's your stool.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Miss Brahms.
Oh, I hope I haven't
forgotten me passport.
Don't worry.
If you show that lot at customs
what you're showing us, I'm
sure they'll know you're British.
Oh, couldn't I have a ladder?
You've already got one.
It goes nearly out of sight.
I'll bat your earhole
when I get out of here.
Come along, Mrs. Slocombe.
Here, give me your hand.
Miss Brahms, hold that.
Oh, thank you, Captain Peacock.
Mr. Harman, kindly avert your gaze.
Come on, give me a hand.
Oh, and keep your hands on the stool.
[light orchestral music]
Yes, you've done very well, Mr. Henry.
It's not easy, my hair.
Oh, no, sir.
You have to find it before you can cut it.
Take your account to my
office, will you please?
Will there be anything else, sir?
Yes. Get your cards at the same time.
Henry, love, I think I'm about done.
I've got to be upstairs in three minutes.
Coming, dear.
That suits you.
It's me mother's.
Our heads are the same size,
and she's off to a bingo reunion,
so I thought I'd treat her to a free set.
Do you know, I'm not sure I like it.
Now, Miss Brahms.
You can start getting
rid of them balloons.
The sale was over yesterday.
I've got a display unit for you.
The Lifebelle inflatable swimsuit,
completely safe for the non-swimmer.
It works with a sparklet bulb.
What does it do?
[air hissing]
You will note they are
independent of each other
in case of a puncture.
[air hissing]
It comes complete with a
mid-ocean repair outfit
in case you get caught on a sunken wreck
or a Romeo with sharp teeth.
Oh, thank heavens I can swim.
Ah, but think of the
other advantages, darling.
You're lying out there on the beach.
Your eyes is closed.
A Robert Redford comes out of
the sea looking for the crumpet.
What do you do?
You press the emergency
valve and, hey, presto!
[air hissing]
I have never seen
anything like it in my life.
I wonder if they give staff discount?
I should take one on our holiday
with you, if I was you, darling.
I don't want to spend half of my life
giving you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation
every time I pull you out of the sea.
Don't tell me you're coming as well!
Well, of course I am!
You don't think I'm going to
spend all me time on me own here
with the store shut?
I see.
Miss Brahms, come with me.
Captain Peacock, are you free?
At the moment, Mrs. Slocombe.
When I consented to take part
in the Grace Brothers holiday offer,
I didn't think we'd be mucking
in with the maintenance staff.
Mrs. Slocobe, the whole store
is being closed for redecoration.
The only way the entire staff
could be persuaded to take
their holidays simultaneously
was to make this very
attractive, low price offer
to all departments.
Well, if that coarse
lot in carpets is coming,
you can count me out,
and I am unanimous in this.
They are going to Tunisia.
We are destined for the Costa Plonka.
Then why isn't Harman going to Tunisia?
Maintenance, being a small section,
can go wherever they wish.
Mmm, I know where I'd wish they'd go.
Is it true that Mrs. Peacock
won't be accompanying us
on our holiday?
Sadly, she will not.
We'll have to watch it then, won't we?
Watch what, Mrs. Slocombe?
Well, you know,
two unattached persons thrown
together on a foreign shore,
hot tropical nights,
pulsating music,
a couple of rum and Cokes,
and anything could happen.
Don't worry, Mrs. Slocombe.
You can rely on me to
behave like a gentleman.
I was afraid of that.
I had a bit of bad news yesterday.
Mrs. Peacock won't be able
to come on holiday with me.
Oh, yes?
I take it you'll be
unaccompanied as well?
Of course.
Two lonely people thrown
together on a foreign shore.
We'll have to watch it, won't we?
Well, I intend going to
the discos every night,
so you'll have to watch it on your own.
[bell rings]
Right. Places everyone, places.
[light orchestral music]
I'm very nearly late!
You are late, Mr. Lucas.
How many times have I told you
not to put food in your pockets?
Every time you've caught
me, Captain Peacock.
You will get all your pockets
sewn up by the coffee break.
Sewn up?
Sewn up, Mr. Lucas.
What is more, it is two minutes past nine,
and this is the third occasion
on which you have been late in one week.
I shall be making a report.
Oh, just a minute, Captain Peacock.
I mean, just because
somebody presses a bell,
it doesn't mean to say
they know what time it is.
My watch says two minutes past nine.
Ah, yes, so it might,
but have you checked it?
I check it every morning
by the church clock.
And who's to say the
vicar hasn't bunged it
on a minute or two
so as to cram 'em in early for matins?
I'm going to make an adverse
entry on your time sheet.
Before you do that, Captain Peacock,
may I suggest you dial Tim?
Oh, yeah.
What a good idea, Mr. Humphries.
- Oh, very well.
- No, it's all right, sir. I'll do it.
[rotary phone dialling]
[Mr. Humphries] At the third stroke,
it will be nine o'clock precisely.
Pip, pip, pip.
At the third stroke...
Hold that a moment, Mr. Lucas.
It will be nine o'clock
and 20 seconds.
Pip, pip, pip.
At the third stroke
I shall be reporting you
for being late, Mr. Lucas,
and I shall be reporting Mr. Humphries
for aiding and abetting you.
Pip, pip, pip.
[knocking on door]
Come in.
You sent for me, sir?
Uh, who are you?
I'm Rumbold of the Men's.
You're very well dressed
for a lavatory attendant.
Er, no, sir, the Men's
Department, second floor.
Ah, young Rumbold, yes.
What do you want?
I've come for the travel tickets, sir.
Oh, yes, yes.
Let's see, bathroom fittings
are going to Gozo.
Hardware are going to Las Palmas.
Ah, yes, and your lot are
going to the Costa Plonka.
Don Bernardo's Palace.
There's the tickets,
there's the brochure.
Thank you, sir.
May I inquire which department is to have
the pleasure of your company, sir?
I shall be visiting each one in turn.
After that, I shall be hard at it
with my new secretary on
my yacht in St. Tropez.
How's that letter coming
along, Miss Nicholson?
Oh, I've nearly finished it now, sir.
You're coming along very well.
She didn't start that
letter until yesterday.
I'm sorry that I'm late, Stephen.
I'm sure you have a
very good reason, Ernest.
I had to pick up my passport.
I've never been abroad before, you know.
And for some reason, they held it up.
Whatever for?
Well, my wife filled
in the application form
and where it said "sex," she put.
"August the third, 1953."
She's got a memory like an elephant.
Come to think of it, she's got
everything like an elephant.
I'm thinking of buying one
of these for me holidays.
What do you think?
I can see it all, you and me
dancing together under the stars.
Ole, ole!
Not like that, we won't be.
Give it to me!
Oh, blimey, you've gone topless.
They're not very big, are they?
You're sex mad.
I'm going to lock the door
of my room every night.
Quite right. We don't want
anyone to come in and
disturb us, do we?
[Captain Peacock] Miss Brahms,
stop encouraging Mr. Lucas
to leave his department.
And where's your jacket?
Mr. Humphries is just
sewing up the pockets
as per your instructions.
Here, it's ready.
Thanks, Mr. Humphries.
Haven't you got skillful hands?
So I've been told.
Now, let's have a go at the trousers.
Oh, no, you're not sewing them up.
Well, didn't your mother
do it for you when you
were a little lad?
No. Did yours?
Oh yes.
I used to keep my conkers in there.
I suppose she sewed them
up to stop you playing
with your conkers.
No, she sewed them up
to stop other little boys
playing with me conkers.
Now where was I?
Oh, you were telling me
about that fancy dress party
you went to on holiday last year.
Oh yes.
Do you know I couldn't think what to wear?
So I found a pair of me
mother's black tights.
They came up to here.
Then I got me poor old dad's ARP cape.
And that came down to there.
Some Wellingtons, gardening gloves,
a black mask, and then I
went to look for a taxi.
- Did you find one?
- Hmm, I found six,
but they all drove off
before I could tell them
where I wanted to go.
I'm not surprised.
What were you going as?
[laughs] Batman.
Did you win a prize?
I didn't even get there.
I'd ordered a mini-cab and
that broke down on the way.
There I was in the middle of dockland
trying to find a telephone box,
and the draught wasn't
half whistling around
the cargo handling
equipment, I can tell you,
when all of a sudden, these
great big dockers appeared
from nowhere.
I bet that made your heart beat faster.
Well, it did.
One of them looked me up and down
and said, "We don't get many
of your sort around here."
How could he tell?
I shan't let you into my confidence
if you're going to mock me.
Anyway, I said to him, "I'm Batman, pow!"
He said, "I'm Robin, poof!"
Next thing I knew, I was
being taken through customs,
and one or two of them
I'd never even heard of.
Do you know I was
impounded for three days?
You do get about, Mr. Humphries.
[chuckles] Not after that.
Not for a whole week.
Mr. Lucas, put these
sales displays away.
You should have done it last night.
Yes, Mr. Grainger.
[elevator dings]
[dramatic orchestral music]
Good morning, sir, may I help you?
Salamu alaykum.
Salamu alaykum.
[speaking Arabic]
Ah, the emir greets you,
and says may you be blessed
with 100 sons and 1000 grandsons.
Oh, I'll tell Mrs. Peacock
to cancel bridge next Thursday.
The emir wishes to
purchase some trousers.
Mr. Humphries,
are you free for a
Middle Eastern gentleman?
They say a change is as good as a rest.
What did the gentleman have in mind?
The emir wishes to be trousered.
Walk this way.
Will you ask the emir to walk this way?
It is more than my job is worth.
Here, these Arabs spend a fortune.
Let me have half the sale.
Are you asking to share my trousers?
Yes, but I didn't
mean it quite like that.
Come on.
Good morning, sir.
What colour did the noble son
of the desert have in mind?
Go nice with the sand.
Do you know your master's size?
Yes, I do.
They live very close
together in the desert.
Around the waist, he has two cubits.
And between the legs, my master
has one and a half cubits.
He'll never be able to wear shorts.
[Mr. Lucas chuckles]
What's cubits?
Isn't that the name of
the firm that built the M1?
Do you mean to say he's gone
one and a half of them up there?
Some people have all the luck.
Excuse me, sir.
Just check your cubits.
46, our portly range.
Now for the inside leg.
[speaking Arabic]
My master says, "Where are you going?"
He's hoping to strike oil.
[speaking Arabic]
The emir says no infidel
may touch the bare flesh of
the exalted one and live.
I think we've got a
bit of a problem here.
How are we going to get the tape up
without touching his cubits?
Leave it to me, Mr. Lucas.
Sticky tape, Mr. Lucas.
[Mr. Lucas] What?
Oh, ha!
You're determined not to lose the sale,
aren't you, Mr. Humphries?
Not if I can help it.
Would you raise the curtain, Mr. Lucas?
Excuse me.
I'll release the projectile.
You keep an eye on the tape.
[balloon blowing]
[Mr. Lucas] Keep your
heels on the ground, sir.
It's supposed to be a sign
of good manners in their country.
He's being polite for a very long time.
- [Mr. Lucas] Somewhere around 35.
- 35, 45, in blue.
35, 45 blue coming up, Mr. Humphries.
[speaking Arabic]
His excellency is delighted,
and requires 101.
What did I tell you?
A fortune in commission.
101 pairs of trousers?
One pair of trousers,
100 balloons.
(light orchestral music)
[Miss Brahms] That does suit madam.
Oh, that really does suit madam.
[cash register dings]
And may I wish madam
a very happy honeymoon.
And I do hope our Paris model nightie
gives every satisfaction.
It was the full length
one you wanted, madam?
Well, I hope you didn't mind,
I've wrapped the negligee with it.
Oh, thank you.
My customer's driving me mad!
She's tried on every hat I've got
and she still can't make up her mind.
In millinery, Miss Brahms,
don't expect the customer
to make up her own mind.
You have to make it up for her.
Here, I'll show you.
- Don't move.
- What, what?
That's it!
Oh, that hat was millined for madam.
The colour and the shape.
Oh, this suits madam's face a dream.
Do you really think so?
Look no further.
-Mrs. Slocombe...
-Don't interrupt the flow, dear.
Wrap it up for madam.
Unless madam would like to keep it on?
Ah, well, er, if
you're absolutely certain
it suits me better than any of these...
No question of it!
Make out the bill, Miss Brahms.
I can't.
Why not?
It's her own hat.
Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?
At the moment, Captain Peacock.
Sister tells me that you still
haven't had your inoculation.
Oh, I know.
I keep putting it off.
If you don't have it done here,
you'll have to have it done at the
airport abroad when we arrive.
Yeah, and they treat you
like cattle on the continent.
But the mere sight of a
needle makes me pass out.
I can't even knit.
Oh, it doesn't hurt.
It's the thought of it.
Couldn't you take her by surprise?
Oh, what a good idea,
and then I wouldn't know
anything until it's over.
I should settle for that, sister.
In my hearing, Mrs. Slocombe
has given you her permission
to take her by surprise.
Well, if that's the way you want it.
Oh, I shall be a nervous
wreck now until it's over.
It'll be like having
the mafia after you.
She'll have to be clever.
I've got eyes in the back of me head.
[needle squishes]
Well, that was the cholera.
Are you ready for the yellow fever?
I think you'll have to wait
to surprise her with that.
I'll see you later.
Not if I see you first.
By gum, my bum's numb.
Er, there is just one
other thing, Mrs. Slocombe.
Not beri beri?
No, it concerns your visa.
Everybody has provided
a photograph except you.
Oh, yes.
Would you mind passing
my handbag, Miss Brahms?
I looked through my photo album last night
and I found one.
Is that you?
Well, not all of it.
I had it taken in Brighton last year.
It's one of those things
where you put your head through a hole.
The face is mine.
Oh, it was a nice thought,
but I'm afraid it won't do.
You'd better go to the photographic studio
on the third floor.
Oh, but I can never work those machines.
- In that case, I'll come with you.
- Oh, very well.
Take over for me, Miss Brahms.
[light orchestral music]
[Captain Peacock] In here, Mrs. Slocombe.
Now, all you do is sit in the chair
and compose your features,
and when you are ready,
you insert the 10 pence.
Is this expression all right?
The authorities don't like you smiling.
I must say I agree with them.
Just look dignified and disdainful.
Oh, no.
Look, I don't think I
can do it without a mirror.
I lose track of where me face is.
Perhaps I can help you.
Just imagine that a customer
has brought back a
garment that has been worn
and is asking for a refund.
That's perfect.
Now put in your 10 pence.
No, that's a 50.
Now I'll have to start
me expression again.
Well, well, look, I,
I'll look after that
part of the operation.
Uh, I really don't think you
should have those earrings on.
Look, all I want to do is to get it over
as quickly as possible.
There. Now I've taken them off.
Now you put it in.
Don't be surprised if you have to wait
a minute or two before anything happens.
I'll call back later.
It's not working.
[camera flashing]
Oh, drat, I missed it!
Well, don't worry.
You get four for your 10 pence.
Now settle down quickly
and lean further back in the chair.
[camera flashing]
[both grunting]
Hey, wait a minute.
Where's my glasses?
Oh, they're under here.
[screaming] [camera flashing]
Come on, come on,
or you'll lose the last one.
Yes, but the, but the chair's broken.
Well, stand where it was and crouch.
Is this position all right?
[screaming] [camera flashing]
[knocking on door]
[Mr. Haran] Here we are then.
A cup of hot water.
What's it gonna be this morning?
Instant coffee, instant
tea, or chicken noodle soup?
- Tea.
- All right.
I've some minestrone left there.
Now what do you want?
Indian tea powder or China tea powder?
Well, which tastes most
like the label on the packet?
The actual packet, there's
no point in being fussy.
It's all Japanese.
Here, have the Indian.
Am I supposed to leave
it for two minutes to brew?
Oh, I shouldn't do that.
It'll take the pattern off the cup.
Here, is that the hotel we're going to?
Yes, well, the offer is open to the
lower class menials as well, you know.
Hey, look at the crumpet around that pool.
Oh ho! Look at their bristols.
That will be all, Harman.
Yeah. I can tell by the tone
of your voice, Mr. Rumbold,
that I have inadvertently over-stepped
the accepted manager/worker relationship
with my misplaced bonhomie.
I do apologise.
Oh, that's all right.
Just don't let it happen again.
Oh, uh, would it be in order to ask
if you are taking your
good lady wife with you?
No. As a matter of fact,
she will be staying at home.
Oh, I see, hoping to cop a
bit of spare when you get there.
[telephone rings]
Men's Wear.
No, it's me, Mr. Humphries.
I know I didn't sound like me.
I didn't even sound like me to me.
That's the way I answer the phone.
Captain Peacock.
Captain Peacock?
Mr. Rumbold for you.
Take a message, will you?
Hello, Mr. Rumbold.
No, I know it doesn't
sound like Captain Peacock.
It's me, Mr. Humphries again.
This is my normal voice.
Well, as near as I can get.
Captain Peacock says can I take a message?
He's with child at the moment.
You're on your way down?
Oh. I'll put out the red carpet.
Here, what are you doing?
Oh, it's Brandy.
Don't let old Peacock see you with that!
It's his flask.
He lent it to me to get over the shock.
I'm not surprised.
These pictures would shock anybody.
I mean, look at that.
That's enough to give you the shudders.
Do you mind? That's the best one.
Oh, heck.
Ooh, it's typical, isn't it?
All these pamphlets talk
about is sun and sea and sex.
They never mention a
jacksey full of vaccine.
Where have you been?
Chatting up that blonde
in the joke department.
You've been told off about
that sort of thing before.
I know. The supervisor nearly caught me.
I had to pretend to be a
customer and buy these.
[teeth chattering] [laughing]
Look out, here comes big ears.
Would you gather everyone
around, Captain Peacock?
Yes sir.
Are you free, Mr. Humphries?
I'm free.
Mr. Lucas.
[Mr. Lucas] Captain Peacock.
Where is Mr. Grainger?
He's gone through there.
What have you got behind your back?
Nothing, sir.
Have you been smoking on the floor?
No sir, I never smoke on the floor.
Have you got something in your hand?
No, sir.
What about the other one?
Both, Mr. Lucas.
- Both?
- Both.
Thank you, Mr. Lucas.
You may come over here now.
Now, pay attention, everybody.
I have here your tickets
and insurance forms.
I want you all to check the particulars
and then sign to say that
you have received them.
Certainly, sir.
Ah, Miss Brahms, you're first.
[teeth chattering]
Don't go away, Mr. Lucas.
No, no, Captain Peacock.
[teeth chattering]
[light piano music]
[light piano music continues]
[teeth chattering]
[teeth chattering]
[light piano music continues]
[keys clanging]
[teeth chattering]
[teeth snapping]
Mr. Humphries, say something.
It's the first time one bit me.
Don't let Peacock see them.
Mr. Humphries, can we
have your attention, please?
Now pay attention.
You all now have your tickets,
and don't forget your passport.
Any questions?
Do we bring sandwiches?
Oh, no, lunch will
be served on the plane.
Oh, one final thing,
young Mr. Grace hopes that
you'll all have a wonderful holiday.
Oh, how very nice.
So it only remains for me to say,
see you at 12:30 at the airport tomorrow.
[teeth chattering]
Mr. Humphries, what is the matter?
[teeth chattering]
I've just lost me camping equipment.
[bell ringing]
[Woman] Will passengers on Dan Air
flight 597 to Costa Plonka...
Would you mind taking off your hat, sir?
Ah, yes.
Carry on, sir.
Mr. Lucas, I thought you
said that my Panama hat
was the last one in the sale.
It was, Captain Peacock,
after Mr. Rumbold bought his.
Thank you.
Blimey, is that your age,
or have you got it mixed up
with your bust measurements?
I do hope you're not going to have me
helpless with laughter
for the two whole weeks.
Talking about that, if
you and I share a room,
do you reckon we'll get a refund?
About all you would get.
This is the first time
I've been abroad, you know.
Thank you. Next!
Where's the aeroplane?
Well, you'll excuse me if I don't
show you to it personally, sir,
but I have other things to do.
Yes, well, at least you might tell me
what platform it goes from.
Well, just over there, sir,
it's through the luggage check.
Never mind, we'll show you.
Thank you.
Oh, how did that get in there?
Never mind.
Not a very good one, I'm afraid.
No, but it's very like you.
Carry on.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- Your luggage, sir?
Well, of course it's my luggage.
Would you mind placing it here, sir?
We have to search it.
You put the revolver and the bomb
in the false bottom of
your trunk, didn't you?
I don't consider that funny, Mr. Lucas.
You wouldn't think he was one
of the top brass in the KGB.
Through the loop, sir.
They've found the commando
knife strapped to your thigh.
Would you mind removing
any metal objects
you have on your person, sir?
Well, I
of course, there's the
key of my front door.
Well, hand them over
and we'll try again.
[device whirring]
Uh, there must be something else, sir.
I know, it's his truss.
Now don't take that off him.
He'll never carry his bag.
Don't be cheeky, Mr. Lucas.
Pass through, sir.
Oh, blimey.
Hey, it's the sugar plum fairy.
I'm sorry I missed the bus.
I had to thumb a lift
in one of those great
big French juggernauts.
Do you know they're very well equipped?
There's a bed at the back of the cab.
I've been halfway to Paris by now
if the electric blanket
hadn't caught fire.
[device whirring]
Your equipment's working well.
So's yours.
[airplane noise]
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
On behalf of Captain Constantine,
I would like to welcome you
on board this Dan Air comet 4C
on your flight 597.
Our flying time is estimated
at three hours, 10 minutes,
and we shall be cruising at
an altitude of 35000 feet.
Don't go before I've sat down, will you?
Don't worry, sir.
You're the sixth row along on the left,
next to the window.
Aren't you going to punch my ticket?
Just move along, sir.
Although I'm very
senior to you, Peacock,
I have arranged to sit
with you during the flight.
I'm very honoured, sir.
Centre or outside seat, sir?
[hat crunches]
I'm terribly sorry, Peacock.
I appear to have sat on your hat.
I'm afraid it's ruined.
That's all right, sir.
It was ridiculous, both of us
wearing the same hat anyway.
Well, I must say you're
taking it very well.
I've every reason to, sir.
It's your hat.
I think that's my seat in the corner.
Uh, will you excuse me?
That's the wrong seat, sir.
You're in the one behind.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Uh, will you excuse me?
Ooh, that's me tights gone.
We must have you in your right seats,
otherwise where would it all end?
The pilot's got to
know what seat you're in
so he can compensate for the extra weight.
Oh, he is a buffoon.
There's Mr. Humphries' tights gone.
Ooh, settle down, Mr. Grainger.
Very tiring, this air travel.
[engine starts]
What was that?
Just the engine starting, sir.
[FLIGHT ATTENDANT] Ladies and gentlemen,
we are about to take off,
so would you please
fasten your safety belts
and also ensure that your seats
are in an upright position?
Thank you.
Look at those people down there.
They look just like ants.
They are ants.
We haven't taken off yet.
[Airplane engine noise]
[CAPTAIN] Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.
This is Captain Constantine.
We shall shortly be crossing the coast,
passing directly over Bognor Regis.
I spent a holiday in Bognor Regis,
and I was grossly overcharged.
I should go to the little boys' room
and see if you can get your revenge.
Where is it?
Just along there, behind the curtain.
Will you excuse me?
- Oh, thank you.
- Go on through there.
[doorknob rattling]
Oh, I'm so sorry,
the door wasn't locked.
Are you going to be long?
About two and half hours.
I can't hold out all that time.
I'll see if one's vacant at the other end.
[horn honking]
[upbeat music]
[all chattering]
Stand aside.
Wait, wait...
Oh, love, I've got me hands full.
I've already got me own.
Oh, senor...
No, thanks very much.
[IN SPANISH] Yes, yes.
It's not very large, but...
No, please, I'm with those
people over there, you see.
[both talking at once]
[speaking Spanish]
Please sir, please sir!
Oh, well, all right.
Two minutes, but not a second more.
I am passing out.
It is in the 90s, Mr. Grainger.
I think you could afford
to take off your scarf and overcoat.
A sudden change of temperature
can often cause a cold.
Oh, it looks quite nice, doesn't it?
It smells different.
It's all that garlic.
Go away!
Will you go away?
[speaking Spanish]
Look, two necklaces is quite enough.
Anymore and people will start to talk.
[Speaking Spanish]
Now get on your donkey and
ride off into the setting sun
and try and forget you ever even met me.
[speaking Spanish]
I have put a curse on you.
You're too late, love.
[Speaking Spanish]
Ring the bell, Peacock.
I hope you're not going to
continue to order me about.
We are on holiday, you know.
Yes, of course.
I'm sorry.
Ring the bell, Stephen.
[rings bell]
Guten tag.
You British?
We are, as a matter of fact, yes.
Oh, that is good.
It's nice of you to say so.
Are you having a long holiday?
Just a couple of weeks.
Ah, if you worked harder,
you could have longer.
Still, the way the pound is going,
you are lucky to be here at all, eh?
Bosch bastard.
Uh, what is that?
He said what a posh basket.
Ah, senores and senoras.
I am Carlos.
Welcome to you.
Get off!
Welcome, senor.
Oh, oh!
Welcome, senor.
He had me worried for a minute.
I am most honoured to welcome you
to the Don Bernardo Palace Hotel.
Heh heh, yes.
Who are you, please?
I believe you have a booking
in the name of Grace Brothers.
Ah, yes.
You are the Grace Brothers?
That is correct.
- He is the amazing grace.
- [laughs]
And the ladies?
They are Grace Brothers as well.
Ah - the ladies are brothers?
Ah, yes.
I am hearing about this.
You are the English drag show, yes?
With the female impersonations.
Now I look, I can tell.
Those are the false booby doos.
Very funny.
Get off!
I would have you know
these are real booby doos
and I object to being ravaged.
Would you want to swap places?
I think perhaps I should explain.
Now, we are all employed
by Grace Brothers department store.
We have a booking at this
hotel for seven rooms.
Siete chambres.
Thank you, Peacock.
We do have booking.
Grace Brothers, two
brothers, one room, two beds.
Oh, well, that will
do for Shirley and me.
What about the rest of them?
I think one has to assert
one's authority here, Peacock.
Now, see here.
I want to see the manager.
I am the manager.
But there is nothing to worry about.
We have good rooms for you.
[all chattering]
[all chattering]
What about tonight?
Tonight, I can only
give you the new wing.
I'll settle for the parson's nose,
so long as it's got a bed in it.
What is the accommodation
in the new wing?
In the new wing, I can
give you the pentyhouse.
Sounds all right.
Well, speaking for myself,
I'm not sharing a penthouse with no one,
and I am unanimous in that.
No no, dear lady, we have
got seven pentyhouses.
You have one pentyhouse each.
One each at no extra charge?
Of course not, senor.
Very well, then.
We will each take a penthouse.
Oh, good.
Your passports, please.
(hand thuds)
I have got girl to show you.
Is she thrown in as well?
Gracias, Tonto.
When you wasn't on the bus,
we thought you'd gone to another hotel.
You don't want to go on them buses.
You don't know who's been
sitting in the seats.
Where's the geezer?
[bell rings]
I'm dying to get to my room
to have a shave, a shower,
and a sit on the balcony.
Oh, what a shame.
It's all booked up.
And we've got the last seven penthouses.
We'll see about that.
[bell rings]
Si, senor?
Good afternoon, squire.
I hope you've got my secretary's cable
confirming the VIP suite
for the Earl of Harman?
Oh, oh, yes, your, your majesty.
We are, we are very honoured.
[hand thuds]
The Earl of Harman?
You'll never get away with that.
I've got away with it.
I used to say I was a
trade union secretary,
but I couldn't afford
the rooms they gave me.
Pedro, take his highness to his room.
See you later, 'cock.
Ah, Conchita.
This is the Grace Brothers.
Conchita, the pentyhouse.
I'm rather looking forward
to seeing the pantyhouses.
Uh, the pentyhouses.
You come this way.
Mr. Grainger, are you free?
Yes, I'm free.
[light orchestral music]
[CESAR] Carlos.
What are you doing here?
The uprising will start tomorrow.
At eight o'clock, the troops
will cross the border.
My men will capture the radio station here
and hold out till they arrive.
So tonight, you hide me.
Cesar, go away.
I am a man of peace.
I don't want no trouble.
You have a room?
I have one room only,
but it is not for you.
Upstairs, first right.
You make up your mind, Carlos.
You are with them, or you are with us.
- Is that loaded?
- Of course.
I am with us.
So I sleep here.
Now, where is this,
this new beautiful serving girl of yours?
This Conchita?
Conchita, oh, no, no.
She is for me, Cesar.
She is not for you.
Ha ha!
You tell me every night, she bolt
the door of her bedroom against you.
But tonight, it will be different.
How you know this?
I take off the bolt.
You are in luck, Cesar.
There are two beautiful
English women here.
Fair skins, big booby doos.
Look, I show you picture.
This is nice.
This good.
This, name of Humphries.
No, no, Cesar, this one.
Look this.
Mrs. Slocombe.
The face, ai yai.
But the body.
Al yail yail.
[both laugh]
Tonight, you tell me where she sleep.
I will.
Tonight, she is yours.
I give her to you.
[MISS BRAHMS] Oh, look.
They've got a big balloon
flying over the hotel.
[MR. RUMBOLD] We could
do with one of those
at Grace Brothers.
Yes, it pays to advertise.
It certainly does.
Well, all I want now
is a nice, hot shower
and rub down with a rough matador.
A matador, Mr. Humphries,
is a Spanish bullfighter.
You dry off your way, I'll dry off mine.
Ah, Carlos.
Ah, yes.
The Grace Brothers.
Oh, don't start that all over again.
Why not?
We're not in any hurry.
[Captain Peacock] Now, look.
We've had a long journey.
We're hot and tired, and we'd
like to get to our penthouses.
Now, where are they?
Ah, you have one pentyhouse each.
Well, there.
What are you talking about?
Those aren't penthouses.
But of course they are penthouses.
Look, I show you.
You take some pentypoles
and some pentypegs,
you put them up.
What have you got? A pentyhouse.
He means tents.
Oh, of course.
My English spelling is so bad.
Whenever I am wanting T, I am having a P.
Remind me to stick to coffee.
You'll not catch me in a tent.
After seeing Conchita,
I shan't even try.
I say,
having a bit of bother with the rooms?
No, it's quite all right, thank you.
What are you doing up there, Harman?
This is my private suite.
How did you manage to fiddle that?
Well, I always pay the VIP supplement.
Well, I mean, you have to, don't you?
You get a very dodgy class of riff-raff
on these package dos.
Excuse me.
My champagne's getting warm.
I think the best thing
we can do is ignore him.
I wouldn't mind if he
wasn't so bleeding common.
Captain Peacock,
seeing as how you have some Spanish,
will you inform this person
that we are not kipping under canvas?
And I am unanimous in that.
Por favor, Carlos, aqui.
Uh, now, look.
We've booked seven rooms in this hotel,
and we have confirmation.
Yes, you have confirmation,
but the rooms are not ready till tomorrow.
Can't we go somewhere else?
Town is full.
We'd better have a conference, Peacock.
Yes, sir.
Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms?
Over here.
Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Surprisingly enough, at the moment,
I am free, Captain Peacock.
Mr. Grainger.
Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Mr. Humphries, are you free?
As a bird, Captain Peacock.
Well, flutter over here.
Now, we appear to have a bit
of a crisis on our hands.
Obviously, we're in the right,
but due to circumstances
beyond our control,
we are faced with only two alternatives,
either to sleep on the beach
or to sleep here in those tents.
I vote that we all go home.
I'm missing Mrs. Grainger.
One gets used to things, you know.
Like arthritis.
It's a free holiday.
I'm staying.
And she's unanimous in that.
No, of course, you all stay.
You have beautiful wine
now and beautiful food.
And tonight, you sleep
in your beautiful tents.
And tomorrow, you have
your beautiful rooms.
What do you say?
If we say yes, do we get another kiss?
[MR. RUMBOLD] Oh, very well.
Hands up all those who want us to stay.
Oh, very well.
Oh, come on, Mr. Grainger.
What have you got to lose?
At my age, very little.
Good. We all stay.
Dinner is at eight o'clock.
Where's the dining room?
Uh, the dining room
is full until tomorrow.
- What?
- Tonight,
you will have dinner underneath the stars.
Oh, Captain Peacock,
doesn't it make you feel romantic?
I'm fighting against it very
satisfactorily, thank you.
Oh, well.
I suppose I'd better go and
make something of my face.
Have they got a good
plastic surgeon in this hotel?
Mr. Lucas, just
because we're on holiday,
it doesn't give you carte
blanche to be sarkey.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Slocombe.
I take it all back.
You leave your old face just as it is,
and I shan't say another word.
Oh, I hope there's
electricity in these tents.
If there isn't, I've got a
battery razor you can borrow.
(light acoustic guitar music)
Nice to see you here.
[speaking German]
[accoustic guitar playing]
Oh, Mrs. Slocombe,
may I say how charming you look?
Oh, it's nothing, really.
I just picked up the
first thing I could find.
Ah, may I show you to your table?
Oh, don't let's go
without Captain Peacock.
Are you attired, Captain Peacock?
I was just about to go and
see if Miss Brahms was ready.
I've been ready for hours.
But I didn't like to
pop out there on me own.
I'll tell you what, Shirley.
We'll all gather round you.
Then, you can pop out among friends.
I've never seen you looking
so lovely, Miss Brahms.
I haven't been so moved
since I stood and gazed at the Mona Lisa.
Oh, yes?
She got big knockers and all?
Ah, I see everyone's
ready for the repast.
Lead the way, landlord.
Mrs. Slocombe, would you
make an old man very happy?
Oh, Mr. Grainger.
One so rarely hears these
charming old world phrases.
What can I say?
Well, make up your mind.
Either pop into the tent with him now,
or have dinner and get down to it after.
Ignore him.
Rule, Britannia
Britannia rules the waves
Britons never, never, never
Shall be slaves
Ignore it.
I'll deal with them.
I speak the language.
Britons never, never, never
Please, Mr. Grainger.
We don't want to start
that all over again.
Sit down. Sit down, please.
Damned krauts.
I didn't fight on the beaches
to be made to look a monkey.
Now, we'll sit with our
backs to them and ignore them.
Do I detect an anti-German feeling?
You do, Mr. Rumbold.
Some of us remember the war.
I haven't forgotten being
flung flat on me back
on Clapham Common by a land mine.
And the German air force was responsible.
All the other times
she was flat on her back,
the American air force was responsible.
I'm asking you for the last time.
Will you please knock it off?
She even remembers what she said.
(light acoustic guitar music)
Blimey, look at that!
Surely, that can't be our Mr. Humphries.
Lovely to have met you again.
Lovely to see you, too.
I hope we're going to
see a lot of each other
during the next few days.
Who's that gorgeous bit of crumpet?
That is a very good friend of mine.
And I'll tell you something else,
he's much happier since
he's had the operation.
Do the other two know about it?
Who, Harry and George?
They paid for it.
You know some very strange people.
They seem quite normal to me.
Now, we really must learn the language.
What is Spanish for seat?
Well, that's easy to remember!
I must say I'm feeling quite peckish.
All I had to eat on the aeroplane was
a dead thing in jelly.
Doesn't the food look different?
It smells different and all.
Certainly a change
from the staff canteen.
I hope it's good.
Well, 200 flies can't be wrong.
Get off.
Well, let's tuck in.
Who's for melon balls?
I might have guessed.
I think I'll try the seafood salad.
Yeah, that's supposed to
make you virile, isn't it?
Well, I hardly think two
mussels and a shriveled-up prawn
will affect my sex life
one way or the other.
I must say, this salad tastes lovely.
The insects here are
very greedy, aren't they?
What do you mean?
Well, that green wriggly thing's
just picked up a bit of your lettuce,
put it on its back, and he's
marching off home with it.
Now, for you, we have
the specialty of the casa.
What a funny thing
to have a specialty of.
The poo poo grande.
Whatever is it?
Um, big octopussy.
They've never boiled the cat?
Mrs. Slocombe, it's a traditional dish
with a lot of oil and garlic,
and they chop the tentacles into slices.
Oh, don't tell us any more.
It's not the sort of thing
I am accustomed to eating.
You don't like?
I think it's horrible.
You prefer the English menu?
[ALL] Yes, please.
Eggs, sausages, beans,
and chips seven times.
Will you be taking the
wine or the brown ale?
Wine, please.
Thank heavens.
El vino for the Grace Brothers.
But first, the goblet of honour
for the lady with the beautiful body.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, aren't they gallant?
Muchas gracias.
Ah, you speak Spanish?
Un petit pois.
[clears throat]
[liquid trickles]
[accoustic guitar plays]
[liquid still trickles, guitar still plays]
Captain Peacock.
Have you got your phrasebook?
What's Spanish for where's
the little girls' room?
I'm ahead of you, Mrs. Slocombe.
Where are the services?
Ah, the nearest one, she's over there.
[ALL] Thank you.
Ladies first.
Oh, really!
That was quick.
I haven't been yet.
There's no bolt on the door.
In my country,
when it is occupied, we sing.
I see.
There's an old mill by the stream
Nellie Dean
Where we used to sit and dream
Nellie Dean
Belt up, you lot.
You're putting me off.
Sorry, Mrs. Slocombe.
We'll sing something else.
Every time it rains, it rains
Pennies from heaven
Every little cloud contains
[toilet flushing and rattling]
For some reason, best
known to the locals,
the bolt is on the outside.
Well, if they like the song,
they keep you there and make
you do it all over again.
Composing a letter to
your mother, Mr. Lucas?
No, sir.
It's for Shirley there.
I'm giving her one more chance.
If she doesn't agree to my suggestion,
I'll have to start chatting
up the local crumpet.
But what exactly are you suggesting?
"Dear sexy knickers,
I've been mad about you ever since we met.
Come to my tent tonight
and we'll watch the moon rise together."
She won't fall for that, will she?
If she doesn't, it's the
last chance she's going to get.
And Conchita could get lucky.
Si, senor?
You speaky English?
A little titty bit.
Give this to the senorita
wearing the glasses.
Si, senor.
Isn't it a beautiful night?
Yes, but you know
the nights clamp down very
early in the tropicals.
For you, senorita.
A note?
For me?
How mysterious!
Oh, who sent it?
Uh, senor who pour the wine now.
Here. Fill her up, Captain Peacock.
Thank you, Mr. Lucas.
Captain Peacock!
Miss Brahms,
Captain Peacock sent me a note.
What's it say?
Oh, I haven't read it yet, have I?
"Dear sexy knickers"
I didn't know you wore sexy knickers.
That'll do, Miss Brahms.
Some people find directoires
are very exciting.
Well, they did during the war.
Well, go on, then.
"I've been mad about
you ever since we met.
Come to my tent tonight
and we'll watch the-...
The what rise together?
Oh, "the moon."
Oh, would you believe it?
Oh, don't they get bold in the tropicals?
You're not going to go, are you?
Well, I think I ought to
go to teach him a lesson.
I shall lead him on,
and then I shall give
him a piece of my mind.
Have you got something to write with?
Oh yes. Here,
I have an eyebrow pencil.
Oh, thank you, Miss Brahms.
Now, then.
"Dear sexy,"
Will come
to your tent tonight.
And together,
we'll see it
"come up."
Come here, Carlos.
Si, senorita?
Would you give this note private-o
to the man with the mustache-o
at the end of the table-0?
Ah, si, senorita.
- Eh, senor?
- Hmm?
A note from the senorita down there.
Which one?
The one with the
figure like Raquel Welsh.
A note from Miss Brahms.
"Dear sexy Y-fronts."
Amazing how these rumours get around.
"Will come to your tent tonight
and together we will see it come up.""
I wonder what she has in mind.
Bottoms up, Captain Peacock.
Oh yes.
"Can't wait to get
together with you tonight."
More discreet if I come to your tent.
Bottoms up.
"Signed, sexy Y-fronts."
Si, senor?
Give this note
to the one making up
face in mirror.
Si, senor.
Oh, Miss Brahms, what a good idea.
Can I borrow that, love?
I don't mind my face looking lived in,
but I don't want it to look
as though I've got squatters.
This is for you, senor.
Oh, a billet-doux.
Can't wait.
Thank you.
"Bottoms up.
Signed, sexy Y-fronts."
Conchita, who sent this?
The one who goes to sing the song.
Well, I'd never have
believed it in a million years.
It's the quiet ones.
They're all the same.
Where we use to sit and dream
Nellie Dean
And the waters as they flow
This will dampen his ardour.
[toilet flushes] [screaming]
Bottoms up.
[speaking Spanish]
Si, si.
Has my call to England come through yet?
It just come.
Thank you.
It's me mother.
She worries about me.
Oh, the call's only got as far as Bootle,
still, it's only a short walk.
Yes, I'll hold.
Please, you must help me.
I am in trouble.
You're not, are you?
Yes, I'm still here, dear.
It is Carlos.
He wants to,
he wants to...
[whispers inaudibly]
Oh, I've heard that's quite nice.
There's a lot of interference.
I don't know whether
it's at your end or mine.
I think most of it's at mine.
Senor, he has taken
the bolt from my door.
Let me sleep in your tent,
I know I can trust you.
How did you manage to work that out?
Hello, mother.
Yes, I'm fine.
Yes, I told the pilot what you said,
and he was very careful.
I know I've left me
hot water bottle, love.
Somehow I don't think
I'm going to need it.
Oh, senor, tell me I
may sleep in your tent.
Yes, it was a girl's voice.
Yes, you're right,
the change will do me good.
[CARLOS] Conchita, where are you?
Listen, I don't want to
stay nattering for a long time
'cause it'll run up a big bill.
Oh, senor, please say yes.
Give us a kiss, then.
Oh, you beautiful man.
Not you, dear.
No, love.
No, that was the night porter.
I see you in your tent tonight.
Yes, he has got a
very high-pitched voice.
He used to be a bull fighter,
but he got caught in the corridas.
Of course I shall say me prayers.
And I'll ask him to make me a good boy.
He'll have his work cut
out tonight, though.
Bless her.
Buenos noches, senor.
Uh, your, uh, your tenty
house is to your liking, yes?
You have got everything you need?
I've got one or two things I don't need.
Listen, for reasons that I won't go into,
you haven't got such a thing as
a spare bed anywhere, have you?
I have one bed, senor, but
I dare not offer it to you.
I shall make it worth your while.
The other bed in the room is
occupied by Cesar Rodriguez,
the most dangerous man
in the whole country.
It is said that he has killed
12 men with is bare hands.
In that case, if anybody wants me,
I shall be in my tent.
[dramatic orchestral music]
Any messages for me?
Nothing, Cesar.
Carlos, listen very carefully.
My men are hiding in the hills.
They will be with me at dawn.
At the same time, the liberating
forces will cross the border.
By midday, everything will be ours.
Tomorrow is your big day, huh?
And tonight
is my big night.
[both chuckle]
What a body, hmm?
Now, you tell me which tent she is in.
I'll show you myself later.
Tonight is my big night, too.
For me, Conchita.
For you, the beautiful
body of Mrs. Slocombe.
[upbeat rock music]
Is that you, Captain Peacock?
[MISS BRAHS] No, it's me Shirley.
Can I come in?
Yes, do.
I've just passed old Peacock's tent.
He's humming "Tonight's the Night",
and the smell of his aftershave
practically took my breath away.
Well, you know, what they say,
anticipation is half the pleasure.
Is he going to get the other half, then?
Never you mind.
Oh, well, if you need
any help, give us a yell.
I shan't be asleep because the
beds are too uncomfortable.
Oh, well, I brought this.
Well, good night, then.
Good night, love.
[toilet flushes]
Many more dinners like that,
and I shall have to learn a longer song.
[upbeat rock music]
[CARLOS] Psst.
Yes, Miss Brahms?
[CARLOS] Uh, no, no, it's me, Carlos.
Come in.
Uh, I forget to ask you,
what time you like breakfast?
Well, speaking on behalf of the men,
I'd say eight o'clock.
And the ladies?
I shall have to inquire.
Mrs. Slocombe?
[air squeals]
Are you there, Mrs. Slocombe?
[Fart sounds]
Yes, I thought you were.
I can call back later if you wish.
[fart sounds]
Or indeed not at all.
I seem to have a slow leak.
Sounds like a quick one to me.
I was just putting a
little more air in my lilo.
Ah, that explains a lot.
I've got Carlos here.
He wonders what time you'd like breakfast.
Aren't we taking rather a lot
for granted, Captain Peacock?
No, no.
They have breakfast on the brochure.
Oh, is there a good view from there?
By the way, as we're abroad,
do you fancy it English or continental?
Well, you're a man of the world,
I leave that entirely to you, Stephen.
We're having it continental style.
Don't tell everybody.
Anyway, I know you're familiar
[feet stomping]
I've seen you around
Good evening.
Good evening, Mr. Humphries.
Just been in for a dip?
Well, I haven't been
sitting in the cocktail bar
with this lot on.
I just fancy a quick
turn before lights out.
Not with me you don't.
I've never seen
"It was dark in the jungle hut."
The drugged coconut juice
was having its effect
as Captain Strangeways
struggled against the bonds
that found him face to face
against the nubile body of Princess Lala.
"Suddenly he was aware
of something stirring."
You can't come in, Captain Peacock.
I must warn you, I'm
armed, and I am dangerous.
[MISS BRAHMS] It's me, Shirley.
Are you free?
Provided you haven't
got designs on my body.
Oh, listen, I'm in a bit of trouble.
There's a lot of it about.
No, there's this wiggly wiggly thing.
There's a lot of those about as well.
It came into my tent and frightened me.
I came out in big goosebumps all over.
Yeah, I can see.
A couple of them haven't gone down yet.
Oh look.
Can I sleep in your tent tonight,
and you sleep in mine?
What makes you think
that a wiggly wiggly...
- Evening.
- Good night.
On second thought, there's
lots of things wandering about.
I'll take up your offer.
Oh, here, take my hair lacquer.
It's wonderful stuff.
Turns flies into gliders.
"Dear sexy knickers."
Oh, how romantic.
What was it he said?
"Come to my tent tonight
and we'll watch the moon rise together."
Well, that'll do to be going on with.
Oh, Mr. Humphries.
I was just taking a little walk.
You see, when I'm at home,
I usually give my pussy an airing
at this time of night.
Oh, I see.
While you're out, can I stay in your tent?
What for?
I was in Miss Brahms' tent
and this big furry thing frightened me.
I've never seen one before,
so I hit it with this.
Haven't you led a sheltered life?
All right, then you can go
in my tent, just for a bit.
And when I come back, I'll
explain things to you.
Oh, say,
can I borrow your face cream?
Oh, do.
And help yourself to my vitamin pills.
- Psst.
- [THINKING] Miss Brahms just can't wait.
I was just about to come to your tent.
Are you sure nobody's seen you?
Well, they will if I'm
stuck out here much longer.
- Just a minute.
- Rumbold.
Where are you?
I'm here.
Mr. Rumbold.
Peacock, what are you doing?
What do you mean what am I doing?
You were beckoning and
waving your Y-fronts.
Yes, well, I can explain that, sir.
I was, I was trying to
attract someone's attention.
You did. Mine.
No sir, not yours, um...
It was, um,
I was trying to catch service.
What kind of service
were you trying to get?
Laundry service.
They won't see you in the dark.
Perhaps that's why they didn't come.
Will there be anything else, sir?
No, no.
Carry on, Peacock.
[Mrs. Slocombe screaming]
Mr. Rumbold!
I'm sorry, but you're
supposed to sing a song.
Well, I forgot the words.
But couldn't you have gone,
"tiddle tiddle tum tum?"
Whether I wish to go
"tiddle tiddle" or not
is entirely my affair.
Good night, Mr. Rumbold.
Good night.
Mr. Rumbold.
Miss Brahms?
Mrs. Slocombe.
I've got them on.
I'm glad to hear it.
Do you know Mr. Rumbold
just caught me in the loo
and told me off for not tiddling.
That's rather exceeding
his authority, isn't it?
Oh, Stephen.
I wasn't serious about your Y-fronts.
Oh, good, good.
I'm not that sort of girl at all.
What time is it?
What time does it come up?
You know, my friend Mrs. Axelby,
she says it always looks
much bigger in the tropics.
I suppose if you're in the
arctic, it'll be quite small.
That would follow, yeah.
Oh, Stephen, isn't this romantic?
You and me and the hot tropic night.
Stephen, where are you going?
I thought we were going to
have it continental style.
All the time, I'm being
chased by that terrible sex man.
I feel safe with you.
Take me to England and
let me stay with you.
Here, what's your game?
I'm not sharing my bed with nobody.
I'm sorry.
I want to sleep with Mr. Humphries.
He will make me happy.
Yes, you'll be lucky.
He's in the end tent down there.
I'm early.
I'll get in and pretend
I'm a hot water bottle.
Are you there, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries?
Who is it?
It is Conchita, Mr. Humphries.
Can I come in?
Depends what you want.
I want to spend the night with you.
I'm free.
All the time I'm being chased
by that terrible sexy man Carlos.
I feel safe with you.
Aw, take me to England
and let me live with you.
Ooh, Mr. Humphries.
Ooh! Ooh, Mr. Humphries.
No, no.
Mr. Humphries!
What's the matter?
I haven't done anything.
It wasn't me, it was him.
Let's see what she's got.
Anti-wrinkle cream.
Well, I don't need any of that.
Not on my face anyway.
[dramatic orchestral music]
There you are, Cesar.
The tent of Mrs. Slocombe.
The one with the beautiful body, huh?
That's right.
And the big booby doos.
Good luck.
And good luck to you, amigo.
I don't need luck,
I have the bolt.
Oh, badedas.
Anything can happen with badedas.
[CESAR] Psst.
I only used a little drop.
[CESAR] Psst.
Go away, Captain Peacock.
Any impression I've given you
that your advances to me are
welcome is entirely false.
And I wish it to be known by the world.
I'm not a peacock.
My name is Cesar.
Not the one that killed
12 men with his bare hands?
- 13.
- Unlucky for some.
I saw the photograph in your passport.
You have set me aflame.
It wasn't even a good one.
I've lost my heart to you,
my dear, beautiful Mrs. Slocombe.
Mrs. Slocombe?
Are you not going to
invite me into your tent?
Well, it's not very
convenient at the moment.
Why, you got a man in there?
No, no, no, no.
If you have got a man in there,
I'll slit his throat.
Now, tell me you are alone.
I'm alone, I'm alone.
Do you invite
me or do I slit it open?
You don't give a girl
much choice, do you?
- I'm coming.
- No!
Hold on.
There's a couple things
I've got to see to.
Are you ready?
I'm just titivating myself.
[air hisses]
How tall are you?
Six feet.
[air hisses]
Can I come in?
Yes, but only for a chat.
Take that thing away.
I haven't got a spare.
You don't like the cold steel?
I don't even like cold tripe.
I expect you wonder why I am here.
I've got a pretty good idea.
I come because of this.
The camera cannot lie.
That's told a couple of
fibs, though, hasn't it?
You, you are a woman in a million.
(air hisses)
I'm even more unusual than that.
Tomorrow, I may die.
Tonight will be a night to remember.
Wouldn't you rather go down
to the pub with the boys?
It's gay time from nine to 12.
Do not joke with me.
- No.
- I'm Cesar.
I am behind the big uprising.
It's better than being in front of it.
I have 600 men camping near here.
Well, what do you want me for, then?
Just a, just one little kiss.
No, I'm a respectable girl.
I've been brought up proper.
Yes, but you, uh, you've
kissed a man before?
[air hisses]
None of your business.
[air hisses]
Maybe it's this moustache frightens you.
No, my auntie Alice used to have one.
She used to put candle wax at each end
and light herself up for Christmas.
[suspenseful orchestral music]
You won't get away from me.
Oh, Mr. Grainger.
I'm being chased by a man.
I'm not surprised, dressed like that.
[Cesar laughs]
[suspenseful orchestral music]
[music continues]
Now I have you.
[air hisses]
[bra popping]
[suspenseful music]
[MRS. SLOCOMBE] Captain Peacock?
Captain Peacock?
Where are you?
Mr. Humphries!
What are you doing in my nightie?
It's what somebody else is
trying to do in your nightie.
I'm being chased by Cesar.
He killed 13 men with his bare hands.
Oh, what does he do to women?
I didn't stop to find out.
Come back, Mrs. Slocombe.
Come back.
Oh, and I never was any good at running.
Which way to the beach?
- To the right.
- Thank you.
[bell dinging, birds]
What a charming old world sight.
Hey, you see the one at the back?
I seem to recognise the walk.
Peace be with you, sisters.
Mr. Humphries.
I feel you owe us some
sort of explanation.
I had to take sanctuary in a nunnery.
I'd still be there if my
needle-work had been any good.
Well, I trust you won't be
dressed like that for long.
I haven't taken the vows,
if that's what you mean.
Mind you, I did make one
or two rash promises.
Morning, one and all.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
My, you were a noisy lot last night.
Talk about horseplay.
You'll get the British a bad name.
And that poor little waitress.
You frightened her to death.
Thank you, darling.
[MR. LUCAS] Here.
What's all this?
That's not on the menu.
The Earl was very good to me last night,
and he is very hungry this morning.
She needed a father figure.
She got a grandfather figure.
The trouble with you is,
you're jealous.
When's our breakfast coming?
It's come.
One bun.
One bun?
Is that all?
If you go on like that,
you'll waste away to a mountain.
Well, why the special
treatment for Mr. Harman?
He's in training for the
Darby and Joan Sex Olympics.
Whatever's that?
I'm worried about my
nose catching the sun.
What about your ears?
They only catch the rain.
You should try one of these,
they've got built-in gutters.
[suspenseful orchestral music]
Bonito, stay here.
Tomas, Vormas, upstairs.
[CARLOS] Cesar, what are you doing here?
The fools have not crossed the border.
My uprising is cut off.
Here, there's a gun.
We will fight side by side,
and we will die together.
I cannot, Cesar.
I am writing the menus for lunch.
There is going to be no lunch.
the government troops are in sight.
They know you're here.
Get the men to drop back on the hotel.
Si, jefe.
Carlos, everyone out.
But they've all paid for the week.
If they stay here, they die here.
Everybody leave, everybody go.
Everybody out.
Please leave.
Go, don't ask questions.
Go, please.
Well, I think I'll go
on the beach for an hour
and have a go on one of them peddlo boats.
I think I'll find a golf course.
I shall have to find a taxi
and meet young Mr. Grace at the airport.
What about you, Mr. Grainger?
Well, I thought that
I might buy a postcard
and tell my dear wife
that I've been dreaming about her.
[gun firing]
Whatever's that?
Well, probably a shooting party.
[guns firing]
Do they have pheasants on the beach?
You get them anywhere.
[jet flying overhead]
Well, it's not very sporting
to go after them with jet fighters.
[guns firing]
Quick, quick!
There is an uprising.
Everybody is leaving the hotel.
You must go, too.
What do you mean, leave the hotel?
We only arrived last night.
Please, senor, you must leave.
No, stay where you are.
The road is under fire.
You cannot go.
Stay where you are.
I don't believe a word of it.
[guns firing]
I believe a word of it.
[guns firing]
[MRS. SLOCOMBE] What are we going to do?
[MR. LUCAS] Get sister
Humphries to say a few hail Marys.
The situation is perfectly plain.
Obviously, those troops
out there don't know
that we're British.
All we've got to do is show the flag.
But we haven't got a flag to show.
Well, without going into
details, I happen to know
that Mrs. Slocombe
has a nether garment that
would serve our purpose.
"Ere, have you been showing
him your knickers again?"
That will do, Miss Brahms.
The garment you refer to
is no longer available.
Why not?
- They've gone to the laundry.
- Oh.
[guns firing]
We have to let them
know we're here somehow.
Well, wave your bowler hat at them.
[guns firing]
Mr. Lucas.
Captain Peacock.
Oh, there you are.
That was a good idea, Mr. Lucas.
Somebody wearing a bowler hat
could attract their attention
and address them over the wall.
Mr. Rumbold has a bowler hat.
You can borrow it with pleasure.
May I remind you, sir, that
only management are allowed
to wear bowler hats?
Well, I could overrule that decision.
[gun firing]
Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Not at the moment, Captain Peacock.
[gun firing]
I'm free.
The bowler hat.
- Bowler hat?
- Get it.
Get it?
[gun firing]
Mr. Lucas, remember
you're up for a raise.
I hope you remember
that when the time comes.
I will, if you're still with us.
Here goes.
[gun firing]
Thank god that wasn't me.
Oh, my god.
They've shot off his waterworks.
Not Mr. Lucas,
not in the prime of his life.
Well, he can always join us lot.
Not him, the fat little
boy on the fountain.
He can join us lot as well.
[guns firing]
Good luck, Mr. Rumbold.
But what shall I say?
Just tell them we're British
and they're spoiling our holiday.
And tell them there's
a sister of mercy here
got to get back to the
nunnery to hold her canticles.
This is the kind of thing
that made Britain great,
stupid, but great.
[guns firing]
I say, you fellows, we're British.
[gun firing] [gasping]
I don't think that was a
very good idea, Peacock.
I might have my brains blown out.
Nobody is that good a shot.
Why don't we phone the British embassy?
Good idea, Ernest.
[guns firing]
[bell rings]
- Carlos.
- Si, senor.
Telephone the British embassy
and tell them we're here.
I cannot, senor.
We are cut off.
Can you send a message?
Oh, no, senor.
No man is safe on the streets.
In that case, send Mr. Humphries.
I shall smack your wrists in a minute.
I'm not being funny.
You're dressed as a nun.
Your habit could save you.
Oh, that would make a change.
[gun firing]
We're all going to be killed!
Your pussy's gonna be an orphan.
[guns firing]
Oh, it's like the Guns of Navarone.
He's not dead, is he?
No, he's just eaten one of their buns.
[guns firing]
Isn't there any other
way we can send a message?
The answer is up above.
Mr. Humphries, don't get
carried away by your costume.
I'm not.
I'm talking about the balloon.
All we've got to do is wind it down,
write a message on the
tablecloth, and tie it on.
Oh, isn't he ingenious?
Quick, Mr. Lucas,
wind that balloon down.
Oh, blimey.
Why does it always have to be me?
Because you're the junior.
Now get going.
Miss Brahms, take the
things off that table.
Don't waste time doing that.
This is a little trick I learned in Ensa.
[dishes breaking]
Oh, damn.
What are we gonna write with?
Has anybody got a lipstick?
Don't look at me.
We're not allowed to wear any.
Here we are.
[MISS BRAHMS] I've got one, too.
What should we write?
"Please inform British consul general
that Grace Brothers
executive trapped in hotel.
Regards, Cuthbert Rumbold."
We haven't got time for all that.
Look, just write "Help, British."
I'll write "help."
You write "British."
[guns firing]
'Ere some fella's just
dropped into your tent.
Oh, pity I was out.
[Guns firing]
It's no good.
I am finished.
Please, Cesar, surrender.
I will never surrender to these pigs.
But they are bringing
up the big cannons.
Oh, they're sending over more planes.
- Look!
- Where?
You must surrender, Cesar.
Please leave us and save us.
They will blow up my beautiful hotel.
I will never surrender.
[guns firing]
[guns firing]
Please let the women go free.
Yes, think of us women and the babies.
I see no babies.
Oh, but I'm going to
have one in a minute.
[pistol clicks]
Keep down, Mrs. Slocombe.
Some of that was damn close!
Well, where can I go?
Get in the loo.
It's got a corrugated iron roof.
No, no!
I go in there.
You rotten dog.
He meant me, not you.
Why does he always do this
to me in the tourist season?
Oh, you beast.
- Oh, you right beast.
- Quick, lock him in!
Lock him in!
Quick, get the balloon
up before it's too late.
[MR. RUMBOLD] Take the brake off.
[guns firing]
Oh, look, it's caught on there.
[all shouting]
Bye bye!
[CESAR] Get me out of here!
[indistinct shouting]
Oh, it's a shame to shoot at him.
[guns firing]
I surrender.
I, I surrender.
[MR. LUCAS] What's he waving?
I don't know, but whatever
it is, they've stopped firing.
[MR. LUCAS] He's dropped it.
Mrs. Slocombe, your laundry's come back.
How did he get them?
Hey, listen.
What, what's that noise?
They're sending the
tanks in against you.
You lot have had it now.
What do you mean "you lot"?
You've had it as well.
Speak for yourself,
you ruddy capitalist.
Up the revolution!
[guns firing]
[wall crashing]
[guns firing]
It's young Mr. Grace.
It's very difficult to
get a taxi around here.
You get down.
We haven't got to our hotel yet.
Well, how are you all
enjoying your holidays?
Well, it's different.
Yes, well, you've all done very well.
[ALL] Thank you, Mr. Grace.
(upbeat music)