Arena Wars (2024) Movie Script

Novak takes
a devastating blow to the jaw
from Calypso
and he is down.
Three minutes left
in the round,
and Calypso is coming in
for the kill,
and this could be...
with the evasive maneuver!
Let's go,
you Nazi piece of shit.
I've never seen
a comeback like that
since Pretty Boy beat
the Kamikaze Twins back in 2038.
-I'm free!
Cutie Pie back for the kill.
I tell you Samson,
I haven't seen bloodlust
like this since Season 10,
when Thrustkill won
eight consecutive matches
without a single scratch.
You remember Thrustkill, right?
I had every Thrustkill poster
on my wall growing up.
I sold my son's Thrustkill
action figures on eBay
for ten Bitcoins when he died.
I fucked Thrustkill in 2030
after a match.
Best sex I ever had.
You know what,
where's Cutie Pie?
I like Cutie Pie--
Cutie Pie, if you see this,
I have a fantastic sponsorship
opportunity for you.
No, sir, I don't think
this is the time or place.
Tune in next week
for a fresh batch
of institutionalized gladiators
fighting for their freedom,
and place your bets at...
...Arena Wars.
Those were the days,
huh, Gideon?
People are losing
their bloodlust.
Yeah, but we still do
exceedingly well in syndication.
Syndication-based crypto.
Keeps the brand alive,
but doesn't grow it.
How can we make death
exciting to the masses again?
We could do
audience participation.
Too many lawsuits.
Thrustkill had a knack
for living up to his name.
Which is why we...
I don't know, Gideon.
There has to be a way.
How do we win back the audience?
Lights out, Bender.
Mr. Luke Bender.
You've served 10 years of
a 200-year sentence.
Tell me, Mr. Bender, do you--
do you feel that
you've been rehabilitated?
Define rehabilitated.
Rehabilitation could be defined
as the restoration of a person
back to health,
or a normal life,
by training or therapy.
You've received therapy here
from Staff Psychiatrist
Dr. Nelson, correct?
If being called a piece of shit
for an hour
and punching a wall all night is
what you would call therapy,
then, yeah.
Consider me rehabilitated.
You're having violent outbursts?
What do you think?
do you consider yourself
That answers that.
That's unfortunate.
We have
a new rehabilitation program
we could have offered you.
Mr. Simmons,
could you escort Mr. Bender out
and bring in the next person,
please, thank you.
Copy that.
Yo, Bender.
Got an incoming transmission.
Secure line.
Patch it in.
Patching in.
Good morning, Luke.
Good morning.
Taking your frustrations
out on the wall again, I see.
It'll work for now.
How'd that parole hearing go?
Mm, good.
Still got that sense of duty.
That's why they picked me.
How's Arianna?
You know that's off-limits.
Yeah, I know.
Thought I'd try
to catch you off-guard.
I'll tell you when
we're on speaking terms again.
We had a falling out.
She'll get over it.
Thank you.
Take care, Luke.
Mr. Arturo Perez.
You've served
15 years of a life sentence.
Tell me, Mr. Perez, do you feel
that you've been rehabilitated?
Would you prefer that I...
feign humility...
or do you want the truth?
You've been found guilty
on 57 counts of murder.
Mr. Perez, your plea bargain
has been expunged.
Your sentence, upgraded.
Ever hear of
the Arena Wars, Arturo?
Contestants are all
hand-picked from death row,
which qualifies you.
Their scouts sent over
a psychological profile.
You're exactly
what they're looking for.
This could be
a way out, Mr. Arturo.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight,
nine and 10.
Toes on the line!
You are here
because life chewed you up,
spit you out...
and then lapped your sorry asses
up off the floor.
The parole board
has offered you a ticket out.
Win Arena Wars...
win your freedom.
Seven arenas
with seven of
the most vicious killers
the world has seen
in the last decade.
Didn't know we signed up for
a goddamn stand-up show, too.
I'm dead serious, people.
I've been in there.
Caught myself a 100-year stint
the day I came home on leave.
Found my wife
banging the neighbor.
Next thing you know,
double homicide.
What can you do?
It builds character.
Die in the arena...
and it's a lot more glamorous
than that shit they're going to
put in your veins.
you make it out alive,
you get to go home.
Any questions?
What about weapons?
Your feet.
Your hands.
And most importantly, your head.
You go in as a group,
and you fight as a group.
You go in rogue,
you're going to get shredded.
Sounds impossible.
Can't be a fair fight
with these guys
without a weapon.
That's what I used to think,
until I actually did it.
I made it out...
and so can you.
Welcome to Arena Wars.
Welcome to the next
exciting episode of...
...Arena Wars.
I'm your host, Stephen Samson,
and with me, as always,
is the ever-exciting,
former heavyweight champion
of the world,
Joe Moses Johnson.
Thank you, Samson.
And with that,
let's meet our new round
of Arena Wars gladiators,
fresh from
the most high-security
supermax prisons
from around the world.
This smooth criminal
comes to us
straight from Guantanamo Bay.
Serving a 250,000-year sentence
for the 2040 murder
of the entire U.N.,
and a far more serious offense
of not filing his taxes in 2028.
I've been through that.
Me too.
Plucked straight from Olasia
prison in Saudi Arabia,
this unique war criminal
not only has
one of the world's
highest recorded IQs,
but developed a suit
that harvests the adrenaline
in his own body
and recycles it
back to his body.
Where the heck
can I get one of those?
We got 'em at Walmart.
Meat Wagon!
This tough customer
got his reputation
as Staten Island's most
trusted neighborhood butcher
before local authorities
uncovered the corpses
of 100 missing children
in his boiler room.
I always knew
Staten Island had great veal...
but I never knew
what the secret was.
He did.
Master Blaster!
This former president of
the Unabomber Fan Club
gained notoriety
by bombing Yankee Stadium
during the 2036 World Series
after killing the security staff
with a chainsaw.
Rumor has it he was
a frustrated Texas Rangers fan,
who thought that
that was their year.
Which brings us
to Mister Smiles.
Nothing fancy here.
Just your good old-fashioned
local weirdo
with an aptitude of beating
nubile college coeds to death.
Pretty nasty!
Hell yeah!
And, of course,
our returning champions.
Calypso and Cutie Pie.
These two really need
no introduction.
Both have been in the game
for the entire season.
Calypso with seven dozen kills
and Cutie Pie with...
House record.
That's a lot of damage.
What is this, a pep talk?
I hope not.
Can you believe that
people watch his shit?
No way, brother.
I mean, it's like
Dancing with the Stars
back in the day, you know?
-Shit TV.
I'd rather be on--
I like that show, man.
Oh, oh, I'm finding
a whole new side to you, Perez.
You? A dancer?
Hey, let me tell you something,
I got some moves.
Well, if I had done that
and not crochet club,
maybe I'd be rehabilitated.
I mean, I'm not allowed
to play with needles no more.
Yeah, I get it.
When I had this girl
out in the world,
we'd be dancing every weekend
like we were
high school sweethearts.
You know what?
You've had my back
since I landed in this place.
And, uh, while you have
really questionable taste
in associates,
you're a good man.
A survivor.
Tough as fuck.
But a good man.
You're getting out of here.
You're getting that dance.
Two minutes, people!
Two minutes!
What's up, bitches?
This is Holly Daze coming
to you live from the Arena.
Our new batch of contestants
come to you
from the federal lockup in DC.
So you know this is going to be
one explosive night!
Quickly, quickly!
Christ, is that supposed
to make us feel comfortable?
Toes on the line!
Oh, I almost forgot.
Turn to the right!
The hell is that,
a flu shot?
It ain't flu season yet,
Little insurance policy
for the producers.
Let's just say you screw up
and break the rules,
policy pays up.
-W-- wait, what rules?
-Just use your head.
You'll figure it out.
-Stay there.
-You paid by the hour, asshole.
I paid for the night,
and not for you to talk.
Stay there.
Hope I'm not interrupting
No. Turn it up.
I want the table
to shake under her ass.
Those nerves aren't gonna
help you in here, kid.
Yeah-- yeah, I just gotta
collect my thoughts, that's all.
You don't need
to gather your thoughts.
You're a lifer.
You need to focus.
I-- I'm not supposed to be here.
-I-- I didn't do anything.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
None of us are supposed
to be in here.
And you don't see us
pissing our pants, do you?
-N-- no, I'm just--
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Embrace it.
-Do you understand?
-Yeah, I'm sorry.
Hey, just man up.
I'll give it a shot.
-It's kind of funny, huh?
-What's that?
We did what we did.
Our only way out of this
is to kill people on live TV.
That's what they call a paradox.
Doesn't sound much
like rehabilitation, does it?
Sounds more like, uh,
innocence through guilt, or--
Ooh, how about
justice through murder?
All right, people,
this is it.
Line up, two by two.
Let's go!
Hey, wait, this is--
this it, just like that?
Just like that. Come on, kid.
Are you ready?
Are you set?
You can't make me do this.
It's go time, bitches!
Say "cheese," motherfuckers!
- Go, go, go, come on, over here.
- Go,.
Get out
of my fucking face!
what the fuck is going on?
Are we on
Dancing with the Convicts?
Oh, we just got dropped into
a fucking slaughterhouse.
Hey, hey, hey. Easy.
I'm freaking the fuck out
right now.
Listen to me.
Get your shit together,
or these men will
fucking kill you.
I will fucking kill him
if he does not shut the fuck up!
Hey, kid?
Oh, you've got to be
fucking kidding me.
Get ready, here we go.
this is some hardcore shit.
, Perez.
Everybody stick together.
See if there is
some way out of here.
Somebody help me
with this thing!
No shit, man.
Come on,
let's get the fuck out of here.
You guys are fucking dead,
I hope you know that.
Fuck off, Perez.
Uh, you got something
on the back of your head, man.
The injection.
Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Sounds like-- like a countdown.
Do it! Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do it!
-Oh, my God!
Well, I'd hate to be
the underpaid janitor
who has to clean that up.
Let's go, back to back.
He's gonna kill you all
at the same time
if you do that, Perez.
Watch him.
He's got two blades I can see.
Stay close, motherfucker.
Just show me what you got,
you son of a bitch.
Get this motherfucker!
Let's go!
Let's go!
Oh, a brutal move
by the newcomer, Nero.
Hey, I'm liking this way out
a lot better than that way.
-What about this clown?
-I'm open to ideas.
-Play hoops growing up?
-Pick and roll, baby.
-Pick and roll.
-Let's go.
-Yo, birdie! Hey!
Get him! Hey!
Get him! Yeah!
Yeah, baby!
Go, go, go, man!
Go, I got this, go, go!
Fantastic teamwork between
convicted arsonist Arturo Perez
and self-proclaimed
political prisoner
Chet "Goldie" Golden.
Nighty night, Pinocchio.
Do it! Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do it!
Come on, man, get up, get up.
Got it?
Fucking outraged reptilian
piece of shit, come on!
Come on, come on!
You see that shit
that motherfucker got?
Kill him! You got it, man.
Oh, come on,
you know you got it, come on.
I got all my money
going on them.
Down again like
a White House intern.
I can't say
that I'm surprised.
People drop out
before we get to the ads.
It's no wonder
we're losing sponsors.
I think I know exactly why.
Fantastic teamwork
between convicted arsonist
Arturo Perez
and self-proclaimed political...
Right there. You see that?
That right there
happened last week
when Novak made it
to arena three.
When Samson announces
their criminal record,
a full third of
the audience drops out.
We need to give the audience
somebody that
they can get behind.
-A hero.
And I've got an idea.
Chop-chop, Luke.
Follow-up with the parole board.
Hurry up. Breakfast is waiting.
All right, give me a minute.
Sorry, Bender.
Come on, man,
We've seen this before.
Come on in. Have a seat.
So, you guys know,
I was just in here.
I was denied.
We're not the parole board.
Luke Bender.
We've read your profile.
Desmond Belladonna,
CEO of Clydesdale Industries.
We manufacture
protein supplements,
jet engines,
parts for high-end automobiles.
But I don't give a shit
about that stuff.
What I'm really passionate about
is my other venture.
The real moneymaker, Arena Wars.
As you may know,
contestants are
death row inmates.
The problem lately is that
it seems audiences just
aren't as interested in watching
the scum of the earth
get butchered
on live TV anymore.
What do you want with me again?
I think it's time to,
uh, audition Mr. Bender.
With pleasure.
Don't go easy on him.
Don't worry,
you can count on that.
Come on, big boy.
Let's see what you can do.
Well done.
Good, good.
When I said I read your profile,
I meant your classified profile.
Decorated Marine.
Took the fall for
a superior officer.
Landed yourself up in here.
You're an innocent man.
Innocent man can mean
big ratings.
Government won't allow it.
You'll blow my cover.
Money can buy anything
these days.
Plus, the president's a big fan.
Send his kids some shirts,
he's very happy.
-What if I say no?
-Think about it, Bender.
A chance to get back
the life you deserve,
a clean record.
And plus,
you don't have much of a choice.
The courts have agreed
to upgrade your sentence
to lethal injection
if you say no.
Grid down.
Grid up.
Well, what do you know?
You got a call coming in.
Put it through.
How are you, Luke?
Cut the shit.
I'm not sure
I know what you mean.
You know exactly what I mean.
I can't lie to you.
Yes, they told me.
Your cover is gonna be blown.
This doesn't just affect me,
they could come
for you and Arianna.
I know, I'm aware.
If I don't make it...
you tell her I love her.
You know, you've always been
like a son to me.
Thank you.
I'll be watching.
Loosen this shit.
What's up, Minty?
I don't think we've met.
My name's Khan.
Like the.
This is
my lady friend hand anyways.
what are you in here for?
I answered a help wanted ad
on a suicide hotline.
At the time I didn't know
what "help wanted" really meant.
I was just helping patients
with the process.
What was that you handed
the big chief over there?
Nothing, man.
I saw it.
All right. It's my own brand.
It's concentrated endorphins.
Best high you'll ever have.
Complete and utter euphoria.
Tell you what.
First dose is on the house,
if you decide you want a taste.
You hold that thought.
-Yeah, man, cool.
It's Luke.
Cool Hand Luke.
That's what I'll call you.
Toes on the line!
Name's Boggs.
If you're a fan of the show,
you may remember that I took out
Thrustkill a few years back.
We gonna have a problem?
I understand that we have
a ringer with us.
A real superstar.
Now, although I cannot
tell you who that person is,
I can tell you
that you are all under my watch.
And we have
just a couple of days
to get you detoxified,
trained and ready...
for what you're gonna see
beyond that wall.
And, folks,
you better damn well be ready,
'cause it ain't gonna be pretty.
All right.
Single file. First up.
With an IE.
-Real name.
-Minty. Legally changed.
You know, like Ghengis.
When was your last physical?
Cell block shower this morning.
Oh, yeah.
It says you have
gonorrhea, chlamydia,
and raised endorphin levels.
-Luke Bender.
Are there any
pre-existing conditions
that we should know about?
Just your garden variety case
of toxic masculinity
and being a badass.
Man, look at this
sad sack of shit.
-Eight Ball.
-Real name?
-Eight Ball.
You're not as cute
as you think you are.
Haven't you heard, honey?
-Everybody wants to visit Paris.
You've been juicing, sir?
No, no. Well--
Are you sure?
Maybe, yeah. No, no.
You think you're so cute, huh?
Cute doesn't mean what you think
it does in prison, ma'am.
So, you want me to cough?
Just drop trou, boy.
Like you do
in them prison showers.
Just hold still.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, come on, boy.
I know you've had
a lot bigger than that.
Gonorrhea vaccine, old school.
Drop 'em.
We know you've had bigger!
So, why don't we just
sever the nerve endings
and be done with it?
Pain motivates them.
For example...
if Nero didn't feel that,
you wouldn't have a show.
How's our boy looking?
Broken jaw,
fractured skull, the usual.
Domino, will you do the honors?
We may need to revamp
the cocktail.
It's starting
to wear off quicker.
My face.
Of course.
Good girl.
If this happens during a show,
it could be bad.
They could turn against us.
Do what you have to do.
Yes, sir.
I've got the tools,
I've got the talent.
You got oil injections,
is what you got.
Oh, yeah? It's like that, huh?
I'm gonna call you "Juice" now.
Taint Juice.
Taint Juice?
That'd be
a boss-ass energy drink.
Win Arena Wars,
get fuck out of here,
and market that shit.
Someone down at the club,
"Get you some
fucking Taint Juice, baby."
Unless you want some of
this Taint Juice
right here and now...
then shut the fuck up.
Take it easy, Govenator.
This one's on the house.
Taint fact number 10.
Only Taint can slam
a revolving door.
Old concrete punching bag, huh?
Used to practice on one myself.
Why did you stop?
All the pent-up aggression.
Carrying it back to my cell.
Breathing it all in.
We both know that ain't healthy.
Brother Carl over there...
I'm responsible
for him.
you ready for this?
I'd be lying if I said I was.
Fuckers at
the parole board, man.
How am I supposed to go in there
and prove to them
that I've been rehabilitated
when I'm sweating bullets?
Think I'm gonna take my chances
with Arena Wars.
Sure seems like better odds.
You're all right, Minty.
You think you can tell those
fuckers at the parole board
that for me?
Welcome to the next
exciting episode of...
...Arena Wars.
I'm your host, Stephen Samson.
With me, as always, is
former heavyweight champion
of the world,
Joe Moses Johnson.
You know,
last week started
with such great potential.
Arsonist Arturo Perez
showing leadership skills
early on,
then quickly being taken down
by newcomer Meat Wagon
in the third arena.
I'm told we have
a surprise announcement tonight.
Something you've never seen
on Arena Wars before.
For the first time,
Arena Wars will feature
an innocent contestant.
What are they talking about?
They're talking about me.
It has to be me.
Lieutenant Luke Bender,
former United States Marine.
You've got to be
fucking kidding me.
Well, well, well.
So, uh, what are you,
like a narc or some shit, man?
You heard me, man.
I'm not a narc.
Pretty boy here.
I don't know
what narcs you know,
but I've seen some
pretty damn sexy ones myself.
Wait a minute, Luke.
You're saying you're innocent?
For real?
You saw it on TV.
It must be real, right?
Don't think I'm stupid just
'cause I've been in the joint.
-Is that really why you're here?
-Prove it.
-Yeah, mate.
Prove it.
I don't know how you expect me
to do that from in here.
Fair enough.
I'm watching you, Marine.
So, why'd you do it then?
Orders from
a commanding officer.
Couldn't let it get out
that a colonel
close to the president
tried to kill him.
All I asked for in return
was that my fiance
and her father
were taken care of.
Well, that's a goddamn
honorable leave.
Hell yeah.
So, uh, what now?
What do you mean?
Well, when are you
gonna teach us
some of that Marine shit?
-I knew it!
You follow my lead, all right?
-You bet.
Here we go. You know the drill.
Just give me the countdown.
Three, two, one. Bangin'!
Hey, all you sexy bitches!
Holly Daze is in the house!
Any predictions
for tonight's show?
I'll predict Holly Daze
shows me them Holly Ways.
Gonna be hard to do
when I'm live on Holly Way.
-Hey, girl.
-What's up?
Billie Chambers, right?
Women's MMHF 2039.
Used to be.
I knew that was you.
I had front-row seats
to your last fight in Vegas.
In fact, I think I won,
what was it, 20 bucks?
-20 bucks, hey?
-That's it.
I guess we both took the win,
it was a pretty good night.
Hell yeah, it was a good night.
I wanted to meet you that night.
Didn't get to.
It's nice to meet you now,
Sure, thanks.
You know,
they've told me about you.
They told me you were innocent.
That's never happened
here before,
if you can believe that.
Innocent man, life sentence.
Has to fight his way back out.
That's good television.
Doesn't matter.
I'm just a gimmick.
Not one person
that has ever been in this room
has ever deserved
to get back out.
Including me.
But anyway,
it's almost showtime.
I'm rooting for you.
Two minutes, people!
Two minutes!
Just waiting for the cue.
You know, you would think
that they could use
stock footage of us
by now, right?
Don't tell them that.
Unless the buyout's
as high as our salaries.
Like that's gonna happen.
Stop flirting.
Get the fuck to work.
And three, two, one. Badda-bing.
Hey, all you crazy
Are you ready?
Are you set?
Let's rock!
Bye-bye, bitches!
Let's go, let's go.
Come on. Let's go.
See you fuckers
in the next life.
Smile for the camera, thug life.
Oh, no!
Everyone stay ready, stay alert.
Hey, guys, do you smell that?
Stay back, don't go near him!
Hell yeah!
Here we go! Here we go!
On my word, everyone on him.
Hey, man, keep that
fucking camera out of my face!
Just doing my job, chump.
Come on, Cool Hand.
You got it.
Kill this motherfucker!
-Hold him! Hold him!
-Hit him, hit him!
Hold him. Hold him.
Hey, Nero.
Hold for focus, would you?
Come on!
Come on!
And now,
a message from our sponsor.
Pretty boy narc
can't do it, can he?
Yeah, he can.
Come on, Luke.
Take it.
Good job, Genghis.
Luke, you okay?
And here we go.
Told you he wasn't gonna do it.
Bender, showing some hesitation.
Fuck this.
Brutal finishing move
by multiple murderer
Tanker Lee Jones.
Don't fuck this up for me,
The tides could be
turning here, Joe.
I feel cold.
You want my help,
you pick up the goddamn pace.
I'm going
as fast as I can, asshole.
You afraid of the dark, K-Town?
No, man.
This reminds me of times I used
to play in my parents' mortuary.
No wonder you're in here.
My sister used to
turn off all the lights.
Spin me in a circle,
made me count to ten.
Yep, I'd just feel around
until I'd find my way out.
Sometimes I'd find a corpse,
sometimes I'd find my sister.
So, if you found a corpse,
does that mean
that you won or you lost.
Well, it kind of depends.
Why is that?
no one here is wearing
a steampunk cosplay, are they?
Get back!
He's all yours.
Fuck. Fuck.
Good luck, buddy.
Oh, shit. Oh, sh-- No, no, no!
I saw tech like this.
The thing about
heavy doses of adrenaline...
is there's always a quick crash.
-He's dead.
Less backs to watch.
Every one of us that goes down,
hurts the team.
The team, huh?
Yeah, the team.
Listen, if you want to
live through this,
we have to work together.
Just follow my lead.
Says the motherfucker
who couldn't kill Nero.
Why the fuck are we even
listening to this Marine?
He is not one of us.
You really expect us
to believe your ass is out here
looking out for the rest of us?
We're murderers, thieves.
You're a stupid jarhead
who took the fall for someone
who's out living it up
at your expense.
You're here getting
your shit pushed in.
I was a sacrifice
for national fucking security.
Couldn't let it get out
that the president
was easily reached.
I hate to be the harbinger
of bad news, but...
the whole fucking world
knows now.
Sounds like
you failed your mission...
How about this?
Us lifers,
we'll stick together...
and you can fuck off.
Hang me now.
Are you still with me?
clearly preparing to give
our home audience
a motivational speech.
I said, are you with me?
-Fuck yeah.
Let's do it, Bender!
Let's get some.
Major props to
the producers, man.
I mean,
I never saw this one coming.
Oh, Jesus.
You did good.
Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God.
-Come on.
You're a bad
motherfucker, Marine.
So, if, like,
Bender is innocent,
does that mean,
like, there's more hot guys
in jail like that?
Well, if Bender lives,
if he-- if he gets
an action figure,
can Comic Con book him
so I can get it signed maybe?
I mean, if he's innocent,
why not just let him out now?
Due process.
All that pent up aggression
we accumulate during the week?
I can't think of
a better outlet for it.
Reminds me that time
I got a black belt in jiu-jitsu.
This one-two punch combo,
the teamwork.
It's a rare thing
in the world today.
Yo, I'm gonna one-two punch you
if you don't let me
rock the mic.
It's the most fascinating study
of the human condition
since, well,
the advent of social media.
I actually got into
the ring myself recently.
I'm not going to say
I'm a pro or anything,
but I definitely learned
a thing or two about myself.
I saw some pretty crazy shit
out on the battlefield.
I gotta tell you,
nothing compares
to what I see here.
Yeah, that says
a lot about you, though.
Dealing with kids all day,
I mean,
sometimes I just want to
fuck some shit up.
You know what I'm saying?
I totally understand.
I did get hit
in the head pretty bad.
Mom said
I wasn't the same after that,
- can you believe it?
- Oh, wow.
I get up, I go down the garage
and I just unload
on that heavy bag.
Bender was the surprise
of the season,
but that doesn't mean
he's going to keep up
-this winning streak.
-That's true.
Look, I don't care who wins.
What I want to see
is all the bloodshed,
grade-A type of stuff
on screen tonight.
-That's all I care about.
-Okay, nice.
Okay, great, amazing.
Thank you, guys.
"Death, be not proud,
for some have called you
mighty and dreadful...
for thou art not so."
Do you know where that's from?
It's a sonnet.
"Death, Be Not Proud",
written in the 1600s.
"For rest and sleep...
for thou picture
be much pleasure,
for thee, much more must flow."
That's my favorite passage.
It gets me through my job.
How about you, Domino?
I don't understand the question.
I know you wouldn't.
All that cunning that you had...
all that precision, gone...
with a single injection.
Such a shame.
Pretty incredible, isn't it?
I don't know why
I didn't think of this sooner.
I think it's a beautiful idea.
Our own universe
of streaming programming.
Let's not jump to conclusions.
I'm pretty sure he'll give
a big "fuck you" to that idea.
Well, don't forget
my executive producer credit.
He fucking swung and boom!
Knocked Meat Wagon the fuck out.
Shit, man, he hit that floor
like a dollar store hooker.
Okay, K-Town.
The fuck you know
about dollar store hookers?
I thought
you stuck to the penny saver.
Dollar store's
a little too classy.
I got Y1,500.
Cheer up, my ninja.
Ninja, you're, like,
one step closer to freedom.
Yeah, brother man. Bring it in.
Bring it in. Come on.
-Yes! Yeah!
Good job, guys.
Hey Boggs. Oh, man.
I need you to get me
something for my back.
You know, 'cause I'm carrying
the whole fucking team.
You know I'm saying?
I hate to interrupt
your little celebration here.
Producers want to
see you upstairs.
-All of us?
Shit. Him, too?
Unfortunately, yes.
-Big night.
- It's time to celebrate.
- Serious?
-In restraints.
Don't get excited
and don't forget,
you've got an explosive
in your head.
At least we'll die happy.
Five minutes. Be ready.
You know what this means, right?
Dude, we're going to
have fucking pussy
lined up for miles.
We're, like,
fucking rockstars now.
Oh, shit, even fucking Bill's
gonna get laid.
Oh, shit, man!
-Hold up, hold up, hold up.
Not sure
who let you out of the sewer,
but this is VIP only.
You must not be
up on current events.
We are VIP.
It's invitation only.
Well, we have one of those.
Yeah? Who invited you?
The man.
Hey, fuckface.
Don't you know?
We're special guests.
Okay, then. Enjoy your evening.
Hi, guys. Welcome.
-May I offer you a drink?
Suck my pulse with a straw, yes!
Or two?
Oh, yeah,.
Oh, they're twins.
-Oh, yeah.
-Follow me.
explosive chips in our necks
and then
we can take off our cuffs.
Not everyone is as well-behaved
as we are, right?
I think they want you
to mingle a little bit.
You two, come with me.
There he is.
The man of the hour.
Get over here,
you badass son of a bitch.
Wait a minute.
You're telling me
you've met this guy before?
Pull up a chair, Luke.
I'll have one of the girls
grab you a drink.
If I can,
I'd like to pass that offer
over to my friend.
What'll you have, boss?
Mint julep.
Yes, sir?
Two mint juleps for my man here.
Coming right up.
Pretty impressive showing
out there tonight.
You're the new fan favorite.
Well, it's fight or die.
Well, you'll thank me
for that someday.
If my fiance and her father
are still alive...
I might.
Your team is made up
of people convicted
in a court of law.
It must be
a real moral conflict for you,
the scum of the earth,
while you sit in here
just for doing your duty.
Who says
they're the scum of the earth?
I didn't know you Marines had
such a good sense of humor.
I thought it was all oorah
and Semper Fi.
Which reminds me...
what do you plan to do
for work once you're free?
If I'm free.
Well, maybe
I can help with that.
But not now. Enjoy the night.
If you're interested
in hearing about
an opportunity that's come up,
meet me in the green room later.
And, Bender...
this is entertainment.
That's all it is.
Hi, guys.
So it's this, then?
Just doing our job, Jake.
What's up, champ?
You should have taken
that drink.
My inbox is blowing up
with new sponsors.
The network wants to move
next week's follow-up episode
to the weekend.
The problem is, you're good.
A little too good.
The network's talking
about creating a spin-off
centered around you.
I made a promise
to my mother before she died
not to let
her pride and joy go under.
Of course, by pride and joy,
she meant the company.
Not me.
It was Arena Wars that saved it.
It saved the company.
It saved me.
It saved my legacy.
You tell them I said no.
And fuck you.
Well, you see,
even if you said yes,
this shows me
they're looking elsewhere.
I can't have my saving grace
also be my downfall.
So, you're going to
kill me then?
Hell, I can't even handicap you,
that'd be too obvious.
But what's the one thing
that's kept you going
the whole time
you've been locked up?
You don't need to answer,
as we already know.
The call's from your former
commanding officer,
who is also father
of the love of your life
and a father figure to you.
What is this? This--
Your fiance
and father-in-law are dead.
Five years ago.
Hit by a drunk driver
on Christmas Day.
Killed instantly.
You're lying. He talks to me.
It's a deep fake.
Fuck you!
with those
two cocktail waitresses
- from the party.
- party.
- Luke.
- Hey, brother.
You all right?
Come on, let's get up.
Let's get out of here.
- You all right?
- I'm fine.
I'm going to get him, Khan.
These sure don't look
like they came
from the hits
he took on the show.
We've been sparring.
Then how come
you two don't have any bruises?
'Cause we're badasses
that don't get hit.
I guess that's a better excuse
than saying
you fell down some stairs.
What's going on?
Found him in the green room,
knocked out.
You with me?
Fuck. Fuck.
I'm-- I'm fine.
Thank you, Hopkins.
I'll take it from here.
All right, what happened?
I cut myself shaving.
That's bullshit.
Belladonna doesn't get
involved in matches
unless there's something
going down.
So, again, what's going on?
He says the network
wants to offer me a spinoff.
Wait, how's that a bad thing?
He thinks I'm a threat to him.
This sounds like
some paranoid bullshit to me.
If there's one thing
I know about that man,
you don't mess with his money.
I'm not a killer,
or whatever it is
he wants me to be.
I'm a soldier.
-That's it?
I don't think so.
You look like someone
whose heart's been ripped out
and crushed in front of them.
See that a lot in here.
Weekly calls
that I've been getting...
from my would-be
father-in-law were never real.
He and my fiance...
died five years ago.
And I was never told.
Sorry, man.
This-- that's the only thing
that's kept me going in here.
Every day.
All these fucking years.
Luke. Listen to me.
We're in this together. Okay?
You got us.
All of us.
-We're family.
-Don't worry.
Let's show him what pain is.
Damn right.
Wow. Hey.
Wow, this is a surprise.
What brings you down
from your supervillain lair?
Remember that material
for the air.
Somehow I don't think you came
down here to tell me that.
Just a little wellness visit.
How are you and Moses
feeling lately?
Well, you know, um,
I got really high cholesterol.
And Moses, unfortunately,
has a heart murmur.
Seriously, what's on your mind?
Whatever happens tonight,
don't stop the show.
Keep it going.
What he's saying is,
no matter what you see...
the show must go on.
I get it.
Don't have to tell me twice.
Thanks, chief.
I increased
the dosage quite a bit.
A handful of mental sedatives
whose names you wouldn't be
able to pronounce.
They'll be sitting pretty
for quite a while.
Hey. Don't forget.
Welcome back
to another episode of...
Arena Wars!
I love when we do that.
This special episode
will feature
the return
of our first contestants
to last more than one week
in five seasons.
And don't forget Luke Bender,
former Marine and the first
innocent contestant
in the history of the show.
Here it is. Here it is.
- Yes!
- Another one down!
-Lucky shot.
-Oh, lucky my ass, man.
Teamwork makes the dream work,
, all right?
I see people come in here
one night, get lucky,
come back for the next show,
get wiped out in
the first ten seconds.
Sounds like you have a bad
judge of character, my friend.
The only person getting
lucky tonight is your mom.
See you now. Bye-bye.
I wonder how much money
that , man.
Let's go.
When we first saw these guys,
I didn't think
a damn thing about them.
A bunch of sad sack losers.
And now I actually think
they have a chance
to win the whole thing,
you know?
But I've been wrong before too.
I know
everyone's going crazy
for Luke Bender, but Minty?
Now that is a real man.
They got us a dope-ass
theme song and everything.
Hell yeah.
You ever thought
you'd be a celebrity, K-Town?
Not unless you count
the evening news.
Shit, I've missed this stuff.
Oh, yeah.
All that's missing is the crowd.
I need the energy.
Luke Bender.
Nice to meet you, babe.
I'm Holly Daze.
Tell us, how are you feeling
about tonight's showdown?
I, um...
First I should probably, uh...
thank the producers...
for this incredible opportunity.
for the hype, right?
Not disappoint
the viewers at home.
That's right.
When I fight,
I'm not fighting for money.
I'm fighting for you.
Why don't you go down and check
on Holly Daze's dressing room?
Some commotion going on
down there.
What? Again?
Are you ready?
I said, are you ready?
Then let's fucking do this!
Go back! Back!
Anyone got a plan?
Sun Tzu. Art of War.
Old school
guerrilla warfare tactics.
I'll take
that, brother.
If you run
and dodge.
Sounds easy enough.
Just keep moving,
confuse him and ambush, got it?
- Got it.
- Come on, you fucker!
Yes! Yes!
That's the one right there.
Against the rules to celebrate?
-It's not against the rules.
-I wasn't asking.
I'm fucking dying.
Listen, uh,
on a serious note now, um...
A word from our sponsors.
Breathe through it.
Stay with me.
This is my fault.
I caused it.
I put you here.
Don't be sorry.
Just glad
that I got to spend the day...
side by side with all of you.
Stay with me.
It's okay.
Minty, look at me.
I'm sorry.
I am so goddamn sorry,
but we have to keep moving.
You gotta keep moving.
You can do this. All right?
Come on. Come on.
We must be , huh?
Yeah, we must be.
You going to be all right?
You good?
As good as I can be.
-Hey, Billie.
Hey. You okay?
How long do you think we've got?
Not long.
Maybe another 10, 15 seconds.
We need to be ready.
No more fucking surprises.
Yeah. It's go time.
It's bad. It's bad.
Over here.
Hey, hey, hey.
You're okay, you're okay.
Billie-- Billie stop! Stop!
Billie, Billie, Billie.
He's done. He's done.
It passes, okay? It passes.
Are you all right?
Oh, fuck. Yeah, fuck.
I've been hit harder
than that fighting.
I'm good. I'm good.
That-- that's a twist
right there.
I just got a text that
the odds on Luke Bender
are going through the roof
in Vegas right now.
when does round three start?
Fuck, I don't know, man.
That fucking asshole
caught me off guard.
All right, guys, we got to move.
We have to finish this.
You lead the way, badass.
Okay, let's go.
Welcome to the party.
Be ready, guys. Just be ready.
You're ours, motherfucker.
This is for Carl.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Is that her? Cutie Pie!
- Here, kitty, kitty.
- Meow. Come on.
On the house, remember?
That's it.
How-- how long
do they take to kick in?
They're super fast-acting.
There you go.
There you go, there you go.
Three, two, one.
Get the axe!
Get the axe!
Come on!
No. No! No!
Something's wrong.
Yeah, the stupid one
handed something to Bender.
Wonder how that got
past security.
Any ideas?
No, don't!
You took your dose, right?
I was in the room
with you, but--
I always do.
Yes or no?
I took the dose.
If you're telling the truth,
then you wouldn't mind
providing us
with a blood sample, would you?
Of course not.
I'm always willing to comply.
She hesitated.
They dose us.
None of us want to be here!
You see that?
You're telling this
to the world.
I think you've forgotten
how much you owe me.
I don't owe you anything.
You'd have died in the arena.
You owe me your life.
This is no life.
What were you in for again?
Oh, that's right.
You were a hired killer.
A sniper.
Thought you'd have at least
examined your own weapon.
Please don't kill me.
Oh, I'm not going to kill you.
That would be a waste of talent.
I'm just going to transfer you.
Back to the arena.
Who doses you?
Who doses you?
Get your ass over there.
Welcome to sudden death.
-Let him go.
-We're still on the air, Luke.
What kind of show
would that be for the audience?
You force these people
to be on your kill squad.
Just like you forced me
to be on your show.
Well, it's hard to keep
a steady flow
of willing participants
when death's part of the deal.
I said let him go.
Don't worry about me, brother.
He's going to kill me--
You shoot him and then what?
We find out
if you're really a killer.
Don't tell me you never killed
a man in battle.
And don't tell me
you didn't feel a rush from it.
This isn't war.
The audience is bloodthirsty,
and you gave them
what they wanted.
It's war.
What does that make you?
You're the one
making the profit.
Like I said before, Luke.
This is entertainment.
That's all it is.
It's time to go home.
Fuck yeah!
Jesus Christ,
I thought he'd never shut up.
Can we get
the fuck out of here now?
-The chips in our heads.
Don't worry about that.
Surprised you didn't recognize
military tech.
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
How do we get out of here?
Follow me.
I could use some
mint juleps right about now.
I'm free.
Arena Wars. Arena Wars.
Arena Wars.
Arena Wars. Arena Wars.
Arena Wars. Arena Wars.
Arena Wars. Arena Wars.
Arena Wars. Arena Wars.
Arena Wars.
Arena Wars. Arena Wars.
Arena Wars. Arena Wars.
So, uh, let me get this right,
you slept
with Thrustkill in 2030?
Why do you think?
You got a great outfit.
I heard that you, uh,
are a big fan of the show?
Is that-- is that true?
Not only a fan, but, you know,
I'm an employee also.
And I don't know
if you know this or not,
but I park about
five or six spaces
down from you every day.
You look a little nervous.
What-- what's the matter?
I ain't going to bite you.
I'm nervous
'cause I don't want to die!
Well, that's.
-Oh, I-- I can't.
-Why can't you?
Because they don't give us
the option.
Who-- who-- who-- who's they?
-They! The whole thing!
-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I guess I'd be nervous too.
Hey, by the way, do you still
have the Heisman trophy?
I sold it on eBay.
Hey, buddy. I don't shake hands.
It's a crazy thing,
it's a bad habit, I know.
First off, I need to tell you.
I'm a big fan.
- Oh, thanks. Thanks.
- Thank you.
That Hail Mary
in the fourth quarter
in that game
against the Raiders?
Absolutely beautiful.
Yeah, thanks a lot,
uh, thank you...
-Tank. It's fine.
-All right. Whatever.
What's the matter with you, son?
Uh, I'm on the camera with you?
You ever hear the expression
"a deer in headlights"?
- You don't remember me?
- Oh. Should I?
Come on! Jimmy Magnus.
I'm the guy that took you
to the emergency ward,
stayed with you all night
after you tore your ACL.
Badass Jimmy Magnus.
Is it true that
you're an actual member
of the Yakuza?
If you win back your freedom,
what're you going to do?
You going to go back to Japan?
So, I hear that
you're actually related
-to one of our gladiators?
-That's right.
Master Blaster
and I are twin bros.
Always thought you threw
that last Super Bowl.
Excuse me, what was that?
I mean, if you don't want to
admit it,
maybe we can meet
somewhere after and discuss it.
No, but I have a gun.
It's good to see you though.
I've been-- I've been hoping
you'd get me on here
once in a while,
or-- or once anyway.
-Here you are.
-Here I am.
Well, you know,
that's what happens
when you spend 10 years
getting your ass kicked
and then if you're lucky,
you end up being a commentator
on a talk show,
or the star of a cartoon,
or selling
some insurance policies.
I haven't seen
you guys for a while.
You're always
on the field, yeah?
Oh, we just came here
to pick up our checks.
-You called us over here.
-They make you pick them up?
I figured you just get paid
Well, the state pays us
electronically, but this--
Man, this is blood money,
come on.
Yeah. I know.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I get it, I understand.
Yeah, blood money is--
You know, I guess
in the long run
it's all blood money.
I mean, how do you deal with it?
What's the difference?
Ethics, Samson. Ethics.
I agree with that.