Aries Spears: Hollywood, Look I'm Smiling (2011) Movie Script

You've seen him on "mad TV."
One of the funniest cats
in the game.
Put your hands together
for aries Spears!
New York City,
what's happening, baby?
Your boy is home, New York.
Yeah, New York City, baby.
I'm glad to be here.
I'm glad to be home and shit.
My man jazzy Jeff,
much love, man.
I appreciate you, boy.
New York, I'm glad
we've got an eclectic
crowd, man.
There's a lot
of black people here.
I want to thank
the white people
for coming.
You motherfuckers showed
that you still know
your place.
It's awesome
you came with that kind
of confidence.
Is that your man?
Okay, how are you doing, bro?
Nigga, unfold your arms.
Why are you looking at me
like you're
the rent collector, nigga?
Unfold your arms.
No, nigga, I ain't nervous.
You're a big motherfucker.
I throw a weight down,
you gotta make a choice,
So is this...
Is this your first negro?
That bitch said,
I said that shit like
he comes with a theme song...
My first negro.
You said no.
That's gonna be
an awkward drive home.
"Bitch, you told me
I was special."
Y'all probably have great sex.
Y'all role-play at all?
Do you role-play?
You ever play
"escaped slave and
the master's wife"?
Hurry up, nigga.
Get back to work.
You're on the clock.
Shit, you got a white girl,
you gotta dress up like
o.J. On Halloween,
come out of the closet
with a butcher knife,
scare the shit...
I'm glad y'all are together.
That's fine.
Let me tell you something.
When y'all have sex
you gotta role-play.
It's fun, you know
what I'm saying?
Black women,
don't get me wrong,
I love y'all,
but certain shit you can't do
with y'all.
Y'all have too many
rules and regulations.
Nigga, don't touch my hair.
Don't be touching my
motherfucking hair.
I just got my shit did.
Nigga fucks you doggy style,
he's gotta keep his hands
behind his back and shit.
He feels the urge
to grab your shit,
it might come off
like... oh shit!
You gotta have a chin strap on.
You gotta keep it
locked down, man.
You gotta have fun
with that, man.
I notice we've got
a pretty Asian girl
sitting in the crowd.
How are you doing, sweetheart?
You all right?
Yes, baby, you.
Bitch, I'm looking at you.
Yes, this ain't...
Yes, you, motherf...
How are you doing,
I love Asian women.
See, I could have fun with you
if you was my girl.
We could role-play,
you know.
Like I come home one day
in a soldier's outfit.
And I got my dick
hanging through the zipper.
And I'm like,
"I'm an American soldier
here to slay some..."
What's your nationality, baby?
What's your nationality?
You Filipino?
Fuck it, it'd work
better for the joke
if you were Vietnamese.
So you're Vietnamese.
Like, "I'm an American
soldier here to slay some
Vietnamese ass."
And I can't see you.
You're somewhere in
the house hidden.
But you got like
a potato sack on
for a shirt,
a little dirt and mud
on your face.
And I just hear you
yell from a distance,
"you go home, black man.
It's not your war."
And then when I see you,
we fuck on a bed
of rice paddies.
That would be awesome.
Don't get embarrassed.
This is real shit, man.
And I don't want
none of the white people
to get uncomfortable
'cause I do like to talk
about the race issue.
'Cause a lot of y'all
try to act like this shit
ain't relevant no more.
Like is race still relevant
in America?
Look at some
of the white people...
"Whatever do you mean?"
Racism will always
be relevant in America
for two reasons:
One... there's too much
bad history
and you can't erase
that much bad history;
and two... I just think
it's natural for everybody
to be a little bit racist.
I don't give a fuck
what color you are.
What your gender is,
how old you are,
we are all a little bit
And white people,
y'all are the first ones
to denounce that shit...
"I'm not racist.
I'm incapable of
being racist.
My best friend is black.
He's also my chauffeur,
but he's my best friend."
Everybody in this room,
everybody in this country
is as little racist.
You might not be
a-Mexican's-hand racist,
but we are all...
Fuck y'all,
that is way funnier
than that.
I don't know why
y'all are scared to laugh.
You act like 300 Mexicans
are gonna pop out of nowhere
like, "what the fuck, fucker?
I make a special
sour cream for you, ese."
It's fucking hilarious.
And I live in L.A.
I love the Mexicans,
I do.
'Cause of Mexicans
my lawn looks fabulous.
I got a little bit of money.
I live in a white
They'd be out there
cutting my grass and shit.
It'd be hot
as a motherfucker outside.
I'd be staring
at them from the house
through the blinds.
Like, "mm mm mm."
20 minutes later
they knock on the door
and ask me for shit.
"Senor, it's hot outside."
They all sound
like speedy Gonzalez.
"Is hot outside.
Me and my compadres
was wondering,
can we have
some agua?"
I'm like, "no, but I can
give you some advice...
Hum your way
through it, motherfucker.
That's how we got by... bam!"
Fuck that.
You got to earn your turn.
You can't just hop over a fence
and expect the same rights.
You got to earn your turn.
Look at some
of the white people...
"Oh my god, he said it.
Thank you.
I've been feeling this,
black man.
Thank you."
And I know
that's a big deal
in this country...
Illegal immigration.
White people... you guys
get bent out of shape
over that shit.
I hear you complaining...
"Fucking Mexicans.
They're coming here
taking our jobs.
Some of them have
criminal records.
We're not safe.
We don't know who's
among us."
Well, let me remind
all the white people
why instead of being mad
at the Mexicans...
you guys were the first
illegal immigrants.
'Cause when you came
to this country, it belonged
to the Indians.
And we know how that shit
turned out.
Look how quiet they got.
Did you feel the tension
all of a sudden?
They're like,
"nigga, I can't believe
you would say that.
We were just
starting to like you.
How could you betray
our trust?"
Listen, I don't give a fuck
if you come to this country
legally or illegally,
'cause at the end
of the day
we're all foreigners
to some extent.
My only issue is
if you're gonna come
to this country,
I got one rule...
Learn how to speak
fucking English, please.
You've got to learn
the fucking language.
'Cause there's nothing
more frustrating to me
being in popeye's chicken
arguing with Jorge
about what the fuck
I ordered.
And I'm trying to catch
the second half
of the game.
I ain't got time for this shit.
You ever talked to somebody
that don't know how
to speak English?
They always got
a look and a sound
coming out of their face
like they're in the middle
of taking a shit.
It's hilarious.
Like, "excuse me,
you know what time it is?"
"I don't speak no...
I don't..."
I was at popeye's chicken
around the playoffs
for basketball
and I'm arguing
with this motherfucker
about my order.
He didn't understand me.
I didn't understand him.
Shit was terrible.
I was like,
"dawg, let me get
a two-piece chicken dinner."
He tried to repeat
the shit back to me...
"You want a two-pee yickie?
Do you want the spicy
or the Mayo?"
I said, "what?"
He said, "the spicy
or the Mayo?"
I said, "what nigga
you know puts mayonnaise
on chicken?
Why would I put
mayonnaise on chicken?
I'm a hot-sauce nigga.
My daddy was a hot-sauce nigga."
He said, "no, the Mayo
for the plavor."
I said, "what the fuck
is plavor?"
He kept looking
at the menu like it was
"family feud"
and the answer was gonna
pop up on the board.
"I don't know...
The two-pee chicken,
the spicy or the mild,
so you better get it
for you."
I said, "let me get
a two-piece chicken, spicy."
He said,
"do you want a busy?"
I said, "yes, motherfucker,
I'm busy.
I don't have time for this shit.
I'm trying to catch the game.
Kobe's on, nigga.
Come on."
He said, "no, a busy."
I said, "what the fuck
is a busy?"
"You put the butter
and the cream cheese."
I said, "a biscuit?"
He said, "si si,
but it's gonna be
a two-pee chicken
with the spicy or the mild.
It's gonna come with a busy,
so you'd better get it
for you.
Andale andale
arriba arriba."
I said, "let me get
a two-piece chicken, spicy,
with a biscuit."
He said, "now you have to
pickle your sides."
I said, "I'm not playing
with my penis
in popeye's.
I'm not doing that.
Why would I pull my dick out
and Jack off near the crunchy?
I'm not doing it."
He said, "no, you get
a two-side order."
I said, "what kind
of side you got?"
He said, "we habe de...
We habe de..."
It was "we have the,"
but "we habe de."
"We habe de yakaroni and yeese.
We habe de
yashed potatoes."
I said,
"fuck it, let me go with
the yashed potatoes."
"You want
something to drink?"
I said, "what do you have
to drink?"
"We habe de...
We habe de sodas
and the uses."
I said, "I don't want no soda,
but I'm curious
about your uses."
What the fuck is "use"?
"We habe de apple use,
orange use, grapefruit use."
Listen, the point is
we have to demand more
from our illegals.
I'm aries Spears
and I approve this message.
We have to demand more.
It's unacceptable.
Funny thing is,
you don't even realize
how racist America is
until after you leave.
Like I did this
show not too long ago
in Edmonton, Canada.
There was no racist vibe
in Edmonton.
Well, first of all,
ain't no niggas out there,
so ain't nobody to be mad at.
But I must have walked
around that motherfucker
for four days
looking for a black person.
Finally I saw one. I ain't
even know the motherfucker.
I just ran up to him
and hugged him like,
"nigga, where you been?
We need
to stick together."
He was offended.
He was like, "dude,
get your hands off me, bro.
That's, like,
totally absurd."
I was like,
"shit, they got him."
It was too late.
I couldn't save him.
I had white kids
looking at me like I was
an exotic animal.
They was like,
"mom, look at him.
He's so chocolatey.
I want one."
They kept trying
to pour milk on me.
I was like,
"it ain't gonna change colors.
Get the fuck off me."
I see some of
the white people,
y'all getting uncomfortable.
Don't get uncomfortable.
I love white people, man.
Y'all my people too.
It's just certain shit
I can't do with y'all,
like go drinking.
Every time I do a show
in front of white people,
after the show
y'all always want to hang out
and buy me a drink.
I can't drink with y'all.
And it's not that
I don't want to.
It's just I can't hang.
You motherfuckers are
the undisputed champs
of drinking.
Y'all drink till y'all
fall the fuck out.
And I know when y'all
get good and drunk,
'cause there's that noise
y'all make... "Whoo!"
Don't do that.
That scares black folk.
There's a lot of bad history
behind that noise.
Black people, we hear "whoo,"
we start looking out
for pickup trucks...
Where the fuck they at?
That's why I don't like
fucking with Earl...
He plays too much.
I'm serious.
A party ain't a party
to y'all
till the fucking cops show up.
And black people, y'all know,
we see the police...
Party over.
White people,
y'all have a freedom
we just don't have.
Y'all see the police...
Y'all get braver.
"Dude, what's your fucking
badge number and your name?
No, don't fucking touch me.
What if I fucking touch you?
No, you shut the fuck up
and move along.
Aries, why are you crying?
Do you know who my dad is?
I'll sue, I swear to god.
Get the fuck going."
Black people,
we'd be in the back
doing sign language...
"Mm, nigga, mm."
Any black people that
hang out with white people
in a group,
make sure if y'all
go out drinking
in a group,
go with them
when they order drinks.
'Cause y'all like
to anoint somebody
the designated drink orderer.
Anytime I hang out
with my white friends,
when they get up from the table
and go to the bar
to get a round, I follow
right behind their ass.
'Cause y'all like
to go order drinks
and then bring it back to us
like it's a top
c.I.A. Secret.
As soon as you hand
me the drink, I go, "man,
what the fuck is in this?"
"Dude, don't worry.
Don't ask.
Just fucking chug it."
20 minutes later
I'm buck naked with
a cowboy hat on...
I fucking love you, Brad.
Hey, just for fun
let's go hang some niggas."
Mm-mm, let's keep it safe.
So are we still excited
about Barack Obama?
See, every
black person in here
should be clapping.
'Cause we got
to ride that nigga
till the wheels fall off.
You know,
if that shit don't work,
the minute we go to work
white folks is
looking at us like, "hmm?
You picked him."
I can't wait
till he runs for his
second term, man.
'Cause that was
the most exciting part
about the political process
to me, was the campaign.
'Cause you knew
at some point
he was supposed to win.
He had all the right
that came together
at the right time.
He's tall, good-looking,
articulate, highly intelligent,
you know,
smooth under pressure,
And most importantly,
he was the right shade.
He made white people
feel comfortable.
'Cause y'all know
if that nigga was
Bernie Mac black
or precious purple,
he wouldn't have won.
He's like coffee with cream,
it goes down easy.
You ever had coffee black?
It's too strong.
You'd be like, "ooh."
America is not
ready for "ooh."
They're not ready yet.
And he had 97%
of the black vote... 97%.
Which means he had
black people on lock.
We were like
a hand and a glove.
We were tied together.
But he still
couldn't become president
without white people.
So for the white people
that voted for him,
I thank you,
because you helped
make history.
But some of y'all
are starting to get
a little impatient.
And your racism is
seeping out a little bit.
You say shit
when you're frustrated...
"I thought
you niggas were fast.
What's taking so long?"
It took eight years
to fuck this country up.
It's gonna take a second
to get it together.
He's got a lot of tough shit
he's got to deal with, man.
Like the big controversy
right now... they're talking
about that mosque
near September 11.
A lot of people are
upset about that.
September 11 just rolled around.
Every year we gotta
relive that bullshit.
But there was
a bright side, man.
September 11 blacks and whites
came together like
never before.
'Cause after September 11
arabs took all the pressure
off us.
I'm telling you,
they had new niggas.
It's amazing.
I get on the plane now,
white people, y'all be
happy to see us.
"Dude, bro, come here.
Here, sit next to me, man,
right here.
Here, hold my daughter.
I love you, nigga.
Come here.
We gotta watch out
for those fuckers,
for shizzle, nizzle.
We've bonded now.
That's good.
And I realize certain
aspects of that shit just
affected people differently.
Like when the Anthrax
thing happened, white people,
y'all was very nervous.
Y'all would come up
to me at work and warn me
like, "oh my god."
That's how white people get
when they get dramatic...
"Oh my god.
Aries, be careful.
Don't open your mail."
Let me tell you something...
Black people was never
worried about Anthrax.
'Cause y'all know half
the time we don't open
our mail no way.
We think that shit is a bill.
We might hold it to the light
like, "no, that's a rent notice.
Fuck that."
You want to get us with
an Anthrax, put that shit
in a Jay-Z cd
that's how you get us.
"I got the new jigga...
Oh shit.
Osama got me.
Track 12, nigga.
Be careful. Track 12."
It's the only way.
And I'm originally from here,
but I live in L.A.
And I was in L.A.
when that whole thing
went down.
It was crazy,
because my people from back east
called me, said,
"man, turn on the TV.
A plane was taken over...
A hostage situation."
And I've seen the movies.
So when I heard "hostage
I'm thinking big-ass guns
and bombs was used.
They said,
"homemade knives."
Do you know what
a homemade knife is called?
A shank.
It's a prison weapon.
We invented that shit.
So I know it couldn't have been
a plane full of a bunch
of ignorant niggers.
That would have been
a different phone call
like, "osama,
we were trying to take over
the plane.
As soon as we pull out knife
all the niggas say,
'oh no you didn't.'
- I got to go.
- I call you back.
Brothers would have called
air traffic control like,
"yeah, this Tyrone.
They tried to get us
with knives.
Oh no, we whupped their ass,
but where the manual at?
I got to land this motherfucker.
I got to
get back to Brooklyn.
I got shit to do."
And I get tired of them
fucking with me
at the airport.
Why I gotta be the one
randomly selected
to have my shit searched?
I even get mad
for white people
when they search y'all's shit.
'Cause again, I know it's gonna
sound a little bit racist,
but let's be real...
Black people, white people,
asians, latinos...
We're not known
for blowing shit up.
Black people...
We have specific crimes.
We do shit like Rob a 7-Eleven
and kill everybody
in that motherfucker
for $4.80,
a bag of doritos
and a pack of newports.
That's nigga shit.
You want to search somebody,
search that motherfucker
whose name sounds like
pubic hair
caught in your esophagus...
And leave me the fuck alone.
I'm not trying to
blow shit up.
I'm trying to smoke a joint,
play x-box and rub one out.
That's what the fuck
I'm trying to do.
'Cause trust me,
when I explode, this is
the bomb right here.
I be walking around the house
terrorizing shit.
I'ma blow up the puppy.
This racism shit
is affecting every
aspect of life.
Even my business...
The movie business.
Like there's certain
movie roles black people...
We just don't get a lot of.
Like I've noticed since
the late '90s horror movies
made a hell of a comeback.
White people, y'all get
all the horror flicks.
Y'all get the "Chucky"
and "I know
about the last week"
and all that shit.
I used to get mad and say,
"how come you don't see black
people in horror movies?"
Then I put it together...
You can't make horror movies
with us
'cause it ain't gonna be
a movie. It's gonna be
a fucking commercial.
Black people, y'all know
we don't fuck around.
We could be having
a party in the woods jamming.
I don't give a fuck
how loud the music is,
how much fun we're having,
if we hear some shit
that don't sound right,
it'll cut through all that shit.
We'd be out there dancing like,
"whoo! This shit is hot.
Ha ha!"
"What the fuck was that?"
"I don't know, nigga,
but we gotta pack it up
and roll.
This shit don't..."
White people, y'all can be
out there dancing.
Y'all dance like
two-year-old black babies.
Y'all hear some shit...
"What was that?"
"I don't know.
Let's go check it out."
And why do white women fall
when y'all run?
What's that shit about?
Every time...
"Oh my god."
A black woman hears something...
She takes off the pumps
and puts on air Jordans.
She might start out running,
but that bitch's gonna turn
into Nascar,
like, "whoosh."
White guys are faithful.
Your ladies fall...
Y'all go back.
Black women, we love you,
but if you fall,
fuck it.
We might try and
come back for you, like,
"oh my god."
"Bitch, come on!
That bitch is gone, dawg.
Goddamn, that was some
good pussy too."
Ladies, work on your timing.
That's all I'm saying.
You know, a real black woman
would be waiting for you
at the car
filing her fingernails...
"Nigga, where was you?
You said, 'come on,'
so I come on."
I'm actually on a mission,
man, you know.
Like I don't even think
comedy is my calling
in life.
I think I'm meant
for something greater.
Like I had a vision
the other night.
It came to me.
I think my mission in life
is to help white people.
Like really,
I want to feel
comfortable enough
to walk in your house
at 3:00 in the morning.
Just wake you up
and go, "come with me."
Like comics,
we don't do shit
when we're on the road
except stay in a hotel room
and watch TV.
And I'm flipping through
some of the stations
and I'm watching these programs
like "Oprah" and "Phil."
And I'm seeing some of y'all's
kids are out of fucking control.
I really want to ask
white people... I've always
been curious...
Why don't y'all just
beat your kids, man?
Beat 'em.
Whup their motherfucking ass.
Y'all give your kids
all kinds of timeouts
and special places.
What the fuck
is a special place?
To a black child that's a coma.
What is a special place?
Black kids don't know shit
about timeouts.
We know about getting
knocked the fuck out,
that's it.
My mother used to slap
the shit out of me
in public
and I would look
at people for help.
Like, "shut up."
White people felt my pain...
"Oh my god.
She just struck
her child."
Black people see
black kids get hit,
we be like,
"ha ha.
Get your shit together."
Black people will beat
other people's kids if they're
fucking up too bad.
Like, "miss, you need
to whup this ugly
Put that shit down!
Here's my website, email,
home address.
Call me.
I'll fuck him up
anytime you need.
You ain't got to kill him.
Just watch him turn red.
Just put this motherfucker...
Just choke him out."
You know what
I found out growing up...
Totally shocked me?
White kids are just as shocked
to find out black kids don't
talk back to their parents
as we are when we hear them
talk back to theirs. I used
to have a little buddy
would come over to my house
on the weekends...
Little Nate.
We'd be in my room
playing video games.
My mother used to
come in the room unannounced,
cuss me out for no reason.
Just scare the shit
out of both of us.
We'd be in the room
playing "Mario brothers."
She'd come, kick open
the door like s.W.A.T.
We'd be on level 4.
She'd just...
"Aries, how many times
I told you to clean this
motherfucking room?
Cut that goddamn game off
and clean this room.
I come back, this
motherfucking room ain't clean,
I'ma take that Nintendo cord,
wrap it around your neck
and stick it your ass.
Nigga, I ain't
playing with you.
This ain't no threat.
This is a promise.
Try me, motherfucker.
Try me."
My white friend would
turn to me offended
like, "dude, what the fuck?
She can't do that, man.
This is your space.
This is your area.
She's violating
your right to privacy.
You should say something.
You want me
to go say something?"
I'd be so scared,
I'd start talking to him
like a slave from "roots," like,
"you's gon' get mes in troubles.
I like you, Nate, I really dos,
but my parents
is good black folk.
They gives me food.
They gives me sleeps.
Now you get away from round here
with that foolishness.
Go on, get from here."
O lord.
My mother smacked the shit
out of the white boy,
he turned into me...
Wade in the water.
My mother was a champ
at whupping ass too, man.
She had a gold belt
and everything.
I remember one time
I stole a bike
and she had
to leave her job
to get me out of jail.
You know, you grow up
in a single-parent household
with a black woman
and she's got to leave work
to get you out...
I knew I was going
to that special place.
I knew that ass-whupping
was serious,
'cause when we got home,
she took her work clothes off
and put on a jogging suit
and headband.
Like what kind of
ass-whupping is that
that you're prepared to sweat?
She had a stopwatch
and a bottle of gatorade
with the belt.
I said, "at some point
this bitch is fitting
to refuel
on this ass-whupping."
I think my mother
took special joy out of
fucking me up too, man.
'Cause she came up with
unconventional methods
of whupping ass...
Shit that I knew
far exceeded normal
and necessary.
Like I remember
one time she woke me up
out of my sleep
at 3:00 in the morning.
You know, you have been
woken up out of your sleep,
you know when that light hits
you, it takes you a second
to get your shit together.
You'd be discombobulated.
And I'm eight.
She came in,
kicked us out of the bed.
"Nigga, get the fuck up.
You thought I forgot
about that shit
you did earlier.
You're gonna go and get
suspended from that
private school
where I make all that money
and work two hard jobs, and
you're gonna get suspended
by telling the teacher
to suck your dick?
Here, put this on."
And she threw some boxing
head gear at me.
You know that leather
helmet boxers be wearing
for practice fights?
I'm like, "mom,
why am I putting on
boxer head gear?"
She said, "'cause I'ma
hit your head with a pipe
and I don't want to kill you.
'Cause you're my baby.
I love you."
I've just always been envious
of the relationship
the white parents have
with your kids, man.
You guys
actually have a democracy
in your household.
You actually care...
About your kids' opinions.
Which is why
you don't understand
why they run rampant
over you at the same time.
I grew up with a lot
of white kids.
I'd hear their parents
complain to mine.
It was always the same argument.
"I don't understand
why my child talks
to me this way...
Such disrespect.
I don't know what to do.
I'm at my wit's end."
The problem is
a lot of you guys put your kids
on the same level as you.
You consider them
your contemporaries.
How you put somebody
on the same level as you
that can't pay the rent
or the mortgage,
put food in the refrigerator
or keep the fucking
lights on?
They're not
your contemporaries.
They're your kids.
Moral of the story...
Beat their motherfucking ass.
There's something about pain
that makes motherfuckers listen.
Like I just saw
this show "the nanny."
I could not believe
this shit exists.
Y'all have flown
an English bitch in
to tell you how to deal
with your kids.
And she always has
some profound shit
to say.
"You must ignore
the child's behavior
but not the child."
Get the fuck out of here.
They should redo that show,
call it "the nigga nanny."
It'd be three minutes long.
She'd show up
to the door, boom-boom,
"where's the motherfucker at?"
Pow! Show over.
Theme song...
Nigga nanny.
That's it.
No commercial breaks.
One episode, it's over.
There's gonna be
some white people driving home
singing that shit...
Nigga nanny.
"Roll the windows up.
I'm in the mood."
Where the weed smokers at?
Fuck that.
Y'all are cops.
That was a test.
Real weed smokers
don't yell out.
We got codes.
I like smoking weed.
You know what's cool
about smoking weed?
It makes you think
about shit you normally
wouldn't think about.
Like I was sitting
around the house
smoking weed
and I got to thinking,
"is it possible
for a male midget..."
You gotta be high
to be thinking
about midgets.
I said, "is it possible
for a male midget
to have a real
big dick?"
Like I ain't on
no gay shit, but everything
on a midget be tiny.
You ever see their fingers?
They look like them little
orange baby carrots.
You ever see?
But could a midget
actually have
some shit like this?
And I actually know
famous midget people.
Like I'm good friends
with little Webster.
I got his number
on my cell phone.
I don't know why,
but I got the shit.
And I was hanging out
with little Webster one time
and he told me some shit
that blew my mind.
He says when he has sex
he don't like fucking
women his size.
He likes to fuck
normal-size women.
And I was sitting
around the house
smoking weed
and I got to thinking,
if little Webster
was fucking
a grown-size woman
Is he actually
standing up in the bed?
You get a woman
on all fours on a mattress,
your feet flat...
Is he standing straight up
on the Matt...?
Like if you walked in
or some shit like that,
your instinct would be to leave,
but you'll
check that shit out
for a hot second.
You walk in like,
"oh shit, I'm sorry.
Nigga, look at this.
This is crazy.
No, he's standing
on a Nike shoebox.
I can't believe
this shit."
And I don't think
we value midgets enough.
I think we take them
for granted.
'Cause I don't give a fuck
how bad your day is,
you see a midget, you perk up.
'Cause when you
leave your house,
you're not guaranteed
to have a midget sighting.
You're not guaranteed.
How often do you
leave your house
and spot a midget?
It's rare.
You could be having
the worst day in the world.
You see a midget,
you're like, "oh shit,
a midget."
And when there is
a midget sighting,
it's always one.
You've never seen
a pack of midgets.
You've never seen that.
I remember one time
I saw 15 midgets walking
down the street.
I had a taste
for hot wings
all of a sudden.
They're like the little
drumette piece.
They're like the small...
I remember I told
that joke one time
and there was an actual
midget in the crowd.
He got pissed off.
He said some shit,
fucked my whole night up.
He was like,
"nigga, watch your nuts."
I was like, "what?"
Like I've had to watch
my back a few times,
but I have never had
to watch my nuts.
I was scared.
I went straight home.
My girl was like,
"I thought you was
with your boys."
I said, "a midget told me
to watch my nuts."
I'm serious.
I filed a police report
and everything.
I'm like, "he's about this high.
He had on oshkosh b'gosh
and a little propeller hat.
The motherfucker
nipped me on the way...
It was terrible."
Like I said,
I don't drink with
white people
and I don't smoke weed
with asians.
Again, not that I got
anything against
Asian people.
It's just y'all
fuck up my high, man.
'Cause when you smoke weed
the point is to be
in a happy place.
You're not supposed
to be thinking about
traumatic shit.
Every time I smoke weed
with my Asian friends,
I be thinking,
"them motherfuckers
are dead."
'Cause, you know,
when you smoke your eyes
close a little bit.
And they're
3/4 of the way there.
That shit be confusing.
I'd be three hits in.
I'd be like, "shang Lee!"
"Nigga, I'm up.
I'm just high."
I said, "all right,
well, do like this every
five minutes or something."
It's fucking confusing.
I like to smoke weed
and watch "national geographic,"
'cause I like
the nature channel.
Like I want to go
to Africa one day,
go on a safari.
See the animals
in their natural habitat.
But the difference
us and y'all is
we stay in the truck.
White people,
y'all got some shit called
"up close and personal."
It's amazing too,
because black people...
We just know certain shit,
you know.
Like white people,
that's why I study y'all,
envy y'all.
I'm envious of y'all.
Y'all are a race...
Y'all do whatever the fuck
y'all want to do.
You know, y'all are free.
You're the only race
of people that could look
at a wild lion and go,
"I can be friends
with that."
That's why
y'all are always on
"when animals attack."
You will never see black people
on "when animals attack."
You might see us
on "when cops attack,"
but you will never see us
on "when animals attack."
Y'all will do shit
like tranquilize a lion
and hold that motherfucker
till he wake up.
And that be heavy shit to y'all.
Y'all be in the camera...
"Well, my partner Bob and I...
We've been tracking
this particular beast
for quite some time.
Her name is utulu.
She's six months old.
We just shot her with
5cc of tetracortilene darts.
When she gets up,
she is gonna be
fucking pissed.
Oh my god, Bob,
do you feel your
heart pounding?
This is amazing.
Oh my god, she's getting up.
Oh, she mauled me.
What an experience.
The africans don't be
out there fucking with
the lions.
They ask them,
"Mr. Mutumbu, why you don't
play with the lions?"
"I'm not fucking
with that motherfucker.
Fuck him and fuck you.
That shit is not
in the brochure.
I'm not doing that shit.
When my shift is over,
I want to go home
to my children
mungulu, mungala
and oof oof oof oof.
I can't do it fucking with that.
When this shit rrarr,
you'd better come.
I will leave you
in the car."
Ain't no African people here,
is there?
Are you African, dawg?
My bad.
I don't want to piss you off
and you're...
You know what's fucked up?
African people
don't like black people.
Y'all know they treat us
like shit.
They talk down to us.
They think they're
better than us.
And I don't understand.
'Cause we're from the same
tribe kind of.
They like
white people though.
They treat y'all like family.
As soon as y'all come around,
they get excited.
"Excuse me,
Mr. White man,
thank you for
bringing us here.
We love you."
Yeah, the white man.
As soon as they
see us, they get attitude.
"Hey, how are you doing?"
"This nigga.
We don't like the black man
in America.
Motherfucker, you don't work.
You don't do shit.
We don't like you,
you black motherfucker."
Like, who are you calling
black, motherfucker?
I'm brown. You're midnight.
Who the fuck are you
calling black?
Like, nigga, if you stood up
against a building
you'd look like an alley.
Who the fuck are you
calling black?
This shit is unjust.
African men don't understand
why when they come
to America
they have a hard time
getting American pussy.
You can't be that aggressive
with American women,
especially black women.
You gotta know
how to talk.
You gotta come correct.
'Cause in Africa they're used
to having their way.
They got 15 wives and shit.
And African women are
very obedient.
They tell their
women what to do.
It's not even an issue.
"Bitch, when I
come home, you..."
I don't know
why they do that... "You."
"You'd better clean this shit
from the floor."
They be in the club
stalking women out here.
You can't even see them.
They be as black
as my jacket.
You just see
the yellow of the eyes
from a distance,
looking like Congo in the bush.
As soon as you go buy
your drink, they jump
out of the shadows
and scare
the shit out of you.
"Bitch what is your name?
Come here.
Don't run from me.
You're going to be
my wife."
They're hunters.
It's instinct.
I think that's the key
to racism though.
You gotta be willing to invest
in other people's cultures.
'Cause at the end of the day
I don't give a fuck
what color you are.
Everybody's got
something to bring to the table.
And life is short, man.
Sample that shit.
You don't know what
you might be missing.
Why deprive yourself
of a great human experience
'cause you're fucking mad?
It's ridiculous.
That's why
I appreciate a good culture.
I appreciate a good accent.
You got the right accent...
You can get away with
a lot of shit.
You'd be in the club
and say something foul to
a woman in American accent,
she might slap
the shit out of you.
Like, "excuse me, baby,
I don't mean to bother you,
but you got a phat ass.
I'd love to take you home
and fuck the shit
out of you."
English accent...
That just rolls off
the tongue different.
"Excuse me, I don't mean
to bother you,
but I'd really love
to take you back
to my hotel
and fuck you
doggy-style for a little bit.
You know what I mean?"
where are you from?
That shit is...
Oh my god.
Say something else."
Ladies, you're laughing.
Some of the fellows
might try that on
the way home.
"Did you have a good time
at the comedy show tonight?
Did your really?
At the next light
could you give me
a little bit of a head?
Just a little bit?
I don't want much.
I just want you
to Polish me knob,
you know what I mean?"
I ain't even gonna lie...
I'll use this shit
to get some pussy.
I'll walk up to a woman
and say anything.
"Excuse me,
you know what time it is?"
"Oh my god,
your accent is beautiful.
Where are you from?"
I just make shit up.
"McDonalds, england.
Have you ever heard of it?
I live right off
egg mcmuffin Lane.
Have you ever heard?"
"Oh my god, girl,
he lives off egg mcmuffin."
I'll tell you what accent
is not sexy,
is that east Indian accent.
That 7-Eleven shit.
That turban shit.
That dot, towel shit.
Ladies, trust me,
you do not that on top of you
on a Saturday night.
"I'm going to give it to you.
I know you want it,
you dirty bitch.
I know you want it.
I'm going to give you
my Pakistani beef,
you motherfucker.
Say my name.
Say, 'pumasanji, pumasanji.'"
Where's my drawers?
I'm sorry, pumasanji.
I'm just not feeling it."
'Cause it's hard
to ask a woman for certain
sexual favors.
Ladies, y'all have advantages.
Y'all want a man to do
something nasty to y'all,
you got all kinds of cute
little sayings and shit
y'all use.
"Could you please
go downtown?"
How do you ask a woman
to gargle your nuts?
"Can you gargle my nuts?
Put them in your mouth
and grrrr?"
It's just not sexy.
I didn't see my first Indian
till I was 15 years old.
Fucked me up.
I didn't know what
to make of him.
It's like,
what the fuck are you?
I grew up around
black people and
white people.
I knew what that was.
I saw an Indian,
I was like,
"what the fuck are you?
You got nigga's skin but
white people's hair.
What the fuck
are you?"
And you can't call them black.
They're as dark as us,
but they get offended.
"Hey, brother,
how are you doing?"
"I'm not your brother.
Don't call me you.
I am not you."
They talk all that shit
till you pull the gun out
to Rob them
and all of a sudden
we're the same. "Give me
your money, motherfucker."
"Brother, don't do this.
We are the same.
Please, you're chocolate.
I'm peanut butter.
We are Reese's pieces.
We come together.
We are the same."
That's what I love about
coming back to New York...
It's the culture, man.
Like the fucking Italians.
Do we have any
Italians in here?
Any Italians?
Are you Italian, baby?
I love Italians, man.
You know what I love
about Italian people?
Italian people will make up
certain words and phrases
that only they know
what it means.
Like, you ever heard
an Italian person say
this phrase... "Half a fag"?
What the fuck does that mean?
You could be around
an Italian person and say
some normal shit like,
"man, you know what,
usually on the weekends
me and my girl
go out clubbing and shit,
but we decided to stay in
this weekend and make it
a blockbuster night.
So we rented this movie
'steel magnolias.'
now I know
it's a chick flick,
but I'm gonna be honest,
towards the end
I actually choked up,
cried a little bit."
"Whoa, not for nothing,
you sound like
half a fag."
What the fuck does that mean?
Even when they
explain it to you,
the meaning
makes less sense
than the term.
Like, "what does that mean?"
"I don't know, you meet
a guy in a bar,
you throw back
a couple of drinks.
Next thing you know,
you take him to the bathroom,
you pull down your trousers,
you pull out your cock,
you shove it halfway
down his throat.
in the process you go,
'whoa, this ain't for me'...
Half a fucking fag."
Nigga, that makes no sense.
And young brothers kill me,
'cause we love Italian
culture, man.
Like the rappers and shit...
They always name themselves
after old-school mobsters
and shit,
which is kind of stupid to me
'cause old-school Italians
hate black people.
They call us all kinds of
mulignans and niggas and shit.
But the funny thing is...
Old-school Italians
are funny,
'cause anytime you hang
around them, they say the most
racist shit in front of you.
As long as they end it with
"no offense," it's okay.
I remember one time
I went to go visit
a friend of mine
in a bar in Brooklyn
in an Italian neighborhood.
I walked in the bar,
right away the dude
knew who I was.
He was like,
"whoa, there he is.
Fucking guy from 'mad TV,'
aries Spears.
Hey, my friend,
let me tell you,
me and my kids...
We watch you every
Saturday night.
You're the fucking best.
You're the fucking best.
Bartender, for my friend...
A drink.
Let me guess, you people...
You like the fucking hennessy,
I know."
Fucked up,
'cause I wanted a hennessy.
I didn't understand how...
So he gets me the drink
and he starts telling a story
to his boys.
And it's the most
racist shit ever.
"Tommy, Mikey,
you hear about Richie?
Yeah, the guy's in jail
doing it big.
Killed his wife.
Caught her fucking
a mulignan.
Can you believe that?
I mean, let's be honest,
between youse and me,
we always knew jeanie had
a thing for the pepper.
But to actually fuck
an eggplant?
Can you imagine that?
You kiss your wife goodbye;
you get in your car;
You drive away.
You're two-three
blocks from your house.
You realize,
'whoa, forgot my
fucking glasses.'
you turn the car around.
You go back into the house.
You kick open the bedroom door.
And there she is getting
the old braciole
from curious George.
But let's look
at the bright side...
At least it wasn't
none of our wives.
Can you imagine your wife
fucking a raisinet?
Ah, madonn', god forbid.
Hey, aries, no offense.
That was the most
racist shit, man.
I don't know, man.
It's fucking crazy.
They do make
great movies though.
I like all those
Italian mobster movies
and shit, you know.
Like, I'm really trying
to make it in Hollywood.
Like, I want
to be a movie star.
That's my dream.
But I'm finding out
Hollywood is not what
you think it's about.
People move out to L.A.
thinking, "this shit
is about talent."
Shit is not about talent.
It's about sex appeal.
It's the part of my game
I got to work on.
Gotta be in shape
to be a movie star, man.
My problem is
I like cupcakes too much.
I'm serious.
Sometimes on a Saturday night
if I got a choice
between some pussy
and a cupcake...
Sometimes cupcake wins.
It's kind of like pussy,
if you think about it.
Especially if you heat it up
in the microwave
for 15 seconds.
It's all warm on the inside,
creamy in the middle.
And when it's over,
it's much easier to wash
that smell off your dick,
I'm trying to tell you.
Fuck y'all. Funny to me.
I don't give a fuck.
Funny to me.
It's hard for blacks
to make it in Hollywood
too, man,
'cause the rules
are different, you know.
You gotta be humble
no matter what color you are.
But if you're black,
you really gotta be
fucking humble.
'Cause sometimes
it don't matter how good
you are.
I remember I had lunch
with Chris rock one time.
He gave me the best advice.
He was like, "look, man,
all I can tell you is
one... keep writing,
and two... try not to
piss these white folks off."
'Cause that shit is true.
It don't matter how good
you are,
if you're angry,
if you're the angry
black man,
they don't fuck with you.
Case in point... Paul mooney.
This motherfucker's a legend.
Everybody, y'all know
Paul mooney.
This nigga wrote
for Richard pryor
and Eddie Murphy.
You're a bad motherfucker
when you're writing for other
bad motherfuckers.
The problem with Paul is
Paul will tell you he's
a bad motherfucker.
He'll shoot
himself in the foot.
I remember one time
I tried to get him
to do a job for "mad TV."
I wanted him to be a writer.
I said, "yo, we're already
a great show,
but Paul... he'll take us
to the next level."
Paul would go
into the fucking meeting
and shoot himself in the foot.
As soon as he walked in
the producers were like,
"Paul, aries
recommends you highly.
He thinks you're great.
Let me ask you,
are you familiar
with our show?"
Paul went right into it.
"I've seen your show.
All of you niggas
have stolen my material.
You've all
stolen from me.
I've seen it.
It doesn't ma...
No, homie, homie,
listen, listen.
'In living color,'
'Saturday night live'...
You all have stolen my shit.
First you stole niggas,
then you stole my material.
And in case you didn't know,
I invented comedy.
Nigga, I invented it."
And then later on
I'll see Paul and go,
"Paul, how did it work?"
"Homie, they're
not gonna hire me.
I'm too real. I'm too real.
They're scared of me, homie.
I'm too real.
Trust me, they love
niggas that grin.
When you grin, you win.
All the niggas that grin win.
Look at Wayne Brady.
They love that nigga.
That nigga grins.
That nigga...
He has a hairdo
from the '50s.
He wears a perm.
He's a throwback nigga.
They love him.
They love him.
Homie, it's true.
White folks will tell you,
'why can't you be
more like Wayne?
We love Wayne.'
They love grinning niggas.
What about that other nigga
that played basketball
for the Lakers?
The nigga...
He owns businesses.
The nigga with aids...
Magic Johnson.
They love that grinning nigga.
That nigga grinned his way
through aids, nigga.
It's true.
Have you ever seen
that nigga's grin?
It's from temple to temple.
It's huge.
That nigga looks
like the cat from
'Alice in wonderland.'
they love that nigga.
Here's the thing...
If you're not grinning,
they'll talk about you.
It scares white folks.
It scares them.
I remember one time
I was on a lot
and they said,
'"good morning, Paul.'
and I didn't grin.
I just nodded my head.
They talk about you.
'Why is that nigga not grinning?
That nigga, doesn't he
know where he is?
That nigga
should be grinning.'
and if you grin too fast,
you scare white folks.
I said 'good morning'
to a white woman.
I grinned real fast.
That bitch was scared.
I said, 'good morning.'
She said, 'argh! Argh!'
that bitch took off running.
Nigga, it's true."
Is that nigga gay?
"Nigga, it's true.
Nigga, it's true."
They love it, man.
You gotta be humble, man.
It's crazy, man.
Like, I got a lot of respect
for the art, man, you know.
Like, I love all them
kind of movies.
Like, my favorite movies
are them gladiator movies
like "gladiator"
with Russell Crowe,
"Troy" with Brad Pitt,
I don't even like it
for the action and
the violence.
I like it for the dialogue.
That's some smooth shit,
they way they talk
in the movies.
It's like they
got the old language.
You heard it before...
It's "my lord,"
but that's how they say it...
"Milord, let it be known
that xerxes is a kind
god king.
And he offers
this declaration
as an alternative to war.
Now let me speak with the nobles
or I will engage
with my military."
It's military,
but "militry."
The other character's
always some pompous,
arrogant asshole.
"Hermetheus, please
spare me of your banality.
This is not about war.
This is about my daughter's
hand in marriage.
So neither try to seduce me
nor bore me
with the belligerence
of your insolence."
I be in the theater
eating my popcorn like,
"god damn,
who got diabetes?"
There's some niggas in here
that don't even think
I said anything wrong.
Like, "nigga, my grandmama
got the insolence."
That's one of my fantasies.
I want to role-play
like that.
Call my girl up one time,
be like,
"look, baby,
don't cook nothing.
I'ma come home
and pretend to be
a Roman warrior.
And we're gonna send
our son out to the store
so I have some time alone
to seduce you."
And I come in the house
talking that shit,
"wretched is how I feel
as I spew
these words of hostility
from my lips.
Ah, there you are, Laquisha,
the beauty of my seduction.
How I long to ravish
the concubines of
your clavicle.
But first I'ma silence
these roars
that stem from by belly
due to hunger,
for it is only fit for a king
to dine on the killing
of a carcass
after a day of duly wages.
Ah, there he is,
my son, my seed,
my young loin,
the mirrored me that spawns
from the spew
of my male mayonnaise.
I want you to take
these metals of currency
and go down
to the local marketplace
and trade them for a feast
of yeast and wine.
Now hither away
before the third planet
from the sun
is plagued by darkness
at a command from
the higher lords.
As for you, my love,
only when darkness
is among us
will I shower you
with the fire that burns
deep underneath my cloak.
For only your seduction
can force me to fall
to bended knee
and sip the wet, spicy nectar
which flows from the purr
of your kitty-cat."
She's like, "huh?"
I'm like, "bitch, I'm trying
to eat your pussy.
I need you to follow me
and keep up.
I can't work
under these conditions."
I don't know, man.
It's crazy, too much.
I respect the art.
I get upset when I hear
about these actors
that get paid
$20 million a movie to act.
And the key word is "act."
But they pay this to dudes
who never could fucking act.
How do you pay
Stallone and Schwarzenegger
$20 million a movie?
Pay that to
the dudes who deserve it
like Pacino, de niro, Denzel.
Those are fucking actors, man.
'Cause to this day
one of my favorite movies
of all time
is "heat"
with Pacino and de niro.
Anybody that's
ever seen the movie
knows what I'm talking about.
It's like they took
the two greatest actors
of all time
and put them
in a scene together.
If you've never seen the movie,
go rent it,
smoke a joint.
It's great.
They got that scene
where they meet for
the first time
and Pacino is
sitting there with de niro.
He's breaking shit down to him.
He's like,
"you, sir, are a bad guy.
I am the police.
It's my job
to stop guys like you...
Murderers, rapists, killers.
It's what I do.
There may come a time
when our paths cross.
I'm gonna have to take you down.
I won't like it, but I'll do it.
It keeps me hot on my toes...
Where I gotta be."
De niro comes back...
"You know there's a flip side
to that coin.
Good friend of mine... Jimmy...
Once told me,
'never get attached
to anything that you
cannot walk out on
in 15 seconds flat
if you spot the heat
coming around the corner.'
and I also
like guys like you
to like guys like me,
'cause you keep me hot
on my toes...
Where I gotta be.
And you're right.
Our paths,
they may cross.
I'ma have to take you down.
I won't like it,
but I will not...
A great scene.
Picture the same scene
with Stallone
and Schwarzenegger.
You ain't gonna be able
to understand shit.
Stallone is doing Pacino...
"You know there's a flip side
to this coin.
I'ma have to take you down.
I won't like it,
but I'll do it."
Even deaf people would be like,
"what is this?
I don't understand.
What is that?"
Can you imagine him
asking his woman for head?
"Maria, come on,
give me head.
Go down.
Don't come up for air.
Breathe through your ears."
Fellows, you want
to freak your woman out
during sex?
Make that noise.
You'd be hitting it
from the back...
"What the fuck
is wrong with you?"
"Don't worry about what's
going on up here.
Put your head down."
Ladies, it'd work for you too.
You don't want to give
your man head...
Do that.
It'll stop immediately.
As soon as you get down there...
"Bitch, what the fuck?
What, are you making
keys or something?
No, you ain't gonna put
a handicapped sign
on my balls.
I'm good."
That's a good noise to make
if you want privacy in
a public bathroom.
You will clear that
motherfucker right out.
As soon as you get in there...
"Sir, are you all right?"
"Get out. Get away.
There's going to be
an explosion.
Get to the chopper now!"
I don't know
why he says that.
He says that in every movie.
"Get to the chopper now!"
I like to make that noise
on a crowded elevator,
especially if I've got to fart.
People just assume there's
something wrong with me.
As soon as I rip one...
"Oh my god, what was that?"
"Smell it.
It's nasty. Smell it.
Get to the chopper.
Get down."
"Oh my god, he's retarded.
He didn't even have
a helmet on."
You know what's funny?
Some of y'all are laughing
but some of y'all are
gonna go home and
fuck tonight.
And when you come,
you're gonna do that.
It's gonna be hilarious.
Be like, "girl, I love you.
I'm finished.
Get me a paper towel.
Come here.
Wipe me down.
Get to the chopper now!"
Don't drink and drive,
'cause if you get pulled over,
that's exactly how you sound.
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
"I had a jager and patron.
To the chopper now!"
"We're gonna need backup.
We're gonna need backup.
And apparently
we need a chopper.
I don't know why."
I actually met
Arnold Schwarzenegger, man.
True story.
I was doing a show
in San Jose, California.
It's like a 5.5-hour drive
outside of L.A.
And I stopped at a chevron
and this motherfucker was
on pump number seven
filling up his h2.
Now I don't really get
If this had been
Van damm or segal,
I'd have been like, "whatever."
This is fucking Terminator.
This is conan.
I grew up
on this motherfucker.
And I saw him
and I was so excited.
I was like, "yo, Arnold, man,
I love your shit."
He ain't even looked at me.
He was just like, "yeah,
how are you?"
And I called my boy
and I said, "nigga, you ain't
gonna believe it.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
is on pump number seven,
filling up."
He was like,
"nigga, you're lying."
I said, "I swear to god."
He was like,
"Arnold Schwarzenegger?"
I said, "nigga..."
And Arnold heard me
and I swear he went
just like this...
It's like his Marco Polo.
He understood.
It was like a mating call.
He knew.
Some of the fellas
might remember where
I got that.
Remember the scene in "predator"
when he got ready
to fight the alien and he
covered himself with mud?
He was like,
"I'm here. Kill me.
Come on, do it."
That shit is funny, man.
I tried to rent this movie,
and again, not a gay thing,
'cause if I was in
the video store and I saw
that "brokeback mountain" shit
and I was just like how do
motherfuckers watch that?
And I thought,
"maybe, let me try."
I couldn't reach for it.
My hand caught arthritis,
and I couldn't...
Seems like there's
a gay explosion going on
in America right now.
Like gay people
want certain rights,
they want to adopt kids,
they want to get married.
And I don't want to hate
on nobody's happiness,
so I don't want you to think
that based on what I'ma say,
I'm anti-gay.
I'm not anti-gay.
I'm just pro-morals.
Let me explain
what I'm talking about.
If gay people want
to get married and adopt kids,
they should have
the right to do that.
Gay people should have
all the same rights
as everybody else,
and be allowed to live a life
free of discrimination
and verbal
and physical harassment.
'Cause the thing is this,
whether you agree
with it or not,
or whether you like it or not,
they're human beings
and deserve to be treated
with dignity and respect.
They deserve to be treated fair.
That's the key word
here, "fair."
But let's analyze
that word for a minute.
We've become so
politically correct
as a nation
that you're not allowed to have
an opinion anymore
without being
labeled and judged.
Just like it's okay
for gay people to march
down the street and go,
"we're here, we're queer.
Get used to it."
And let you know
how gay they are
while standing on
a float made of balls.
Free of judgment.
How come is it
that straight people
can never say
that we morally disagree
with homosexuality
or denounce a lifestyle
without then being labeled
as terrible, bigoted,
hateful human beings?
At the end of the day,
it's a fucking opinion.
This is America,
I'm allowed to my opinion.
Just 'cause I don't agree
with what you do,
doesn't mean I'm saying
you don't have the right
to do it.
But I should be able to say
how I feel, free of judgment.
Like this is some shit
I often hear gay people say
that's funny to me.
"You know,
we don't choose this lifestyle,
we're born this way.
Some people think
being gay is a choice.
Why would we choose a life
of ridicule and harassment?
This is not a choice,
this is who we are."
And I buy that.
If you're born that way,
and that's who you are,
fuck it, it's who you are.
I just wish gay people
would stop trying to convince
the rest of us that
what they do is normal.
It is not normal for a man
to bang another man in the ass.
If that were normal,
men would be able
to impregnate each other
and continue life.
In order to have
human existence,
you need two pieces
to the puzzle.
This piece
and this piece,
watch this.
Boom, these go together.
The pussy lubricates itself
with the expectation of dick.
This shit is by design.
This shit...
Playing penis joust,
that's some shit you're doing.
Like this is a medical fact,
I'm not making this up.
If you think I'm making it up,
Google it, look it up.
You know, ass fucking
is one of the sure-fire ways
to contract hepatitis.
In other words,
I don't give a fuck
how clean your ass is,
or how much you wash it,
there are certain germs
and bacteria that exist
inside the human ass
that can't be washed away
with all the soap and the water
in the world.
You can't get to it,
it's internal.
Which lets you know
that ain't some shit
you supposed to do.
Now people do it.
Whether it's man on man
or man on woman,
people do it.
But just because you can,
doesn't mean you should.
Ladies, trust me, if we could
we'd fuck you in your nose.
That would be
the latest sensation.
Bitch, I don't want
no pussy or head.
I want some nostril, bitch.
Flare up.
Get mad. Flare up.
Could you imagine what
that would sound like?
That shit would be terrible.
And if there are any
gay people here, I don't want
to offend you if you're gay.
If you're gay
and that's your thing, rock on.
I personally don't understand.
You know?
I have too much respect
for the female body.
Women, when y'all are naked,
all this shit up here,
and the curves, mwah.
It's a work of art, I love it.
I don't know what it is,
there's something about
when your titties pop out,
music come out of nowhere.
ha-ah. It's beautiful.
You ever seen male nuts?
That's some ugly shit.
Our shit look like meat
with hair on it.
I pull my shit our right now,
it looks like smeagol
from "lord of the rings."
The precious, the precious.
It's ugly.
And don't let us get out
the pool, that shit
look like Yoda. Hmm.
- Pussy this is, hmm.
- It's ugly.
Women, everything y'all do,
y'all just do it
better than us.
Y'all are just sexy by nature.
You bring class to the game.
It's instinct.
Even when you masturbate,
you don't even call it
You call it
getting in touch
with yourself.
Y'all know how to do it.
Y'all get your
Luther vandross
and Teddy pendergrass cds.
And bath temperature...
Or the tub water be
just right.
A rainbow be coming
through the window.
Blue jays and canaries
be flying in the bathroom.
Squirrels are gathering nuts.
It's beautiful.
You ever seen men masturbate?
We look like hairy beasts.
My mother used to
bust in the room on me.
I was like Chewbacca
from "star wars."
"What are you doing?"
'Cause the orgasm
is a motherfucker.
Ladies, what
the fuck does it take?
Hurry the fuck up.
To make a man come is very easy.
- Tug left, tug right...
- We're there.
Making a woman come
is like playing "Zelda"
for Nintendo.
You need the amulet,
the Princess's scepter,
the bag of wizard's dust,
the viking's helmet.
Bitch, hurry the fuck up.
We're trying to see
the second half. Shit.
Fellas, you have to
stop letting women put
all this pressure on us.
Talking about, "I didn't come."
"Bitch, I did.
What's wrong
with your shit?"
I tell a woman
before we even
get started,
"look, team bus leaves in
two minutes and eight seconds.
I'ma scream your name twice
and then I'ma scratch you
off the clipboard.
You'd better hurry the fuck up.
Come to the team meetings.
Stop being selfish."
Some of you women's demands
is too much...
"Let's fuck all night."
Really, bitch? All night?
You know how much shit
we could do
during the course
of an entire night?
We could watch a "law and order"
marathon, play a couple
of games of checkers.
Why the fuck we got to
have the room smelling like
hot mayonnaise and motor oil?
That shit is ridiculous.
How many women,
by a round of applause,
give head?
Thank you for your honesty.
Thank you.
The rest of y'all are
some lying motherfuckers.
As a matter of fact,
when I asked the question,
some of y'all
stopped giving head, like,
"what did he say?
He was talking to me?
I didn't even... ooh."
Ladies, give head.
It is the key to a successful
Stop believing
all that bullshit
you see on "Oprah"
and read in the magazines,
talking about
"the key to a man's heart
is through the psychological
and emo..."
Fuck that.
It's in your best interest.
'Cause if you don't
give it to us,
fuck it,
we'll just sneak it on you
when you're asleep.
Give it up.
You know what I like about head?
I like the noise
that comes from head,
especially when
the woman commits.
Some of y'all be down there
Y'all be treating it
like it's a scoop
of ice cream.
I like when a woman
is down there and she makes
that noise you make
like when you bite
into a slice of pizza
that's way too fucking hot,
so you swish it around
in your mouth
so you don't burn yourself.
I'll high-five the bitch
on the forehead... pow!
Grab her by her ears...
"I love you."
Ladies, commit.
There's a wedding
in it for you.
All right,
before I get out of here...
'Cause I gotta almost
wrap it up real quick...
I want to talk about
the state of hip-hop
for a second.
'Cause I'm a big
hip-hop fan, man.
I just feel like, you know,
a lot of the Southern rap
is dominating hip-hop.
And I don't want to hate
on these brothers, man.
'Cause I'm happy to see
any black man in America
getting money.
It's a beautiful thing,
you know.
But some of these
Southern brothers, man...
A lot of these
Southern rappers
need to step their game up.
You know what I'm saying?
'Cause you talk about...
Like, New York...
We've dominated rap
for a long time.
And I know a lot of
Southern people feel like
new yorkers are bitter,
but come on, man,
we birthed rap. We started it
in the south Bronx.
And lyrics is part
of the fucking game,
you know.
Like ludacris, t.I.,
little weezy...
I love them niggas, man.
T.I. Is my favorite.
Andre 3000... one of the best
lyricists in the game.
But a lot of these
Southern niggas...
They be making
these singy-songy catchy songs
that five-year-olds
can dance to.
Come on, man,
quit that Dr. Seuss shit.
Niggas, you gotta
step y'all game up.
'Cause it seems like nowadays
if you come up with
any song...
It don't matter
what the lyrics are...
You get you a Southern,
you know, catchy beat,
you could spit bullshit
and it's a fucking hit.
I know.
I got one.
So I'ma introduce y'all
to my Southern rap character
big booga boogalou
and his hit song
"fuck a book, nigga,
look at my dance."
I can show you
better than I can tell you.
Yeah yeah
it's going down, man
we about to make this
motherfucker pop up on her
Did the dirty south
take that, bitch
this your boy
big booga boogalou
Big boogalou
representing the dirty u.M.
I said representing
the dirty u.M.
And this right here
is about to be
The hottest joint
of the summer, man
Did you hear
my joint, man?
To all them
teachers that said
schooling was important
I say, shit,
fuck a book, nigga
Look at my dance
from the dirty dirty south
doing what we does
Making it rain
with them strippers
in the club
Pop that Booty, baby,
clap it, drop it low
It's a recession,
we're cutting back, ho
Ho ho ho
got that '67 candy Chevy
dropping to the floor
When I come
through the hood,
everybody know
The kids know I'm rich,
they say that I'm the man
So fuck a book, nigga,
look at my dance
Fuck a book, nigga,
look at my dance...
Look at my dance
fuck a book, nigga,
look at my dance
Fuck a book,
nigga, look at my dance
Fuck a book, nigga,
look at my dance
Education? Shit,
look at my dance
Got them rims on shine,
the grill is like, uh
Speakers up front,
got the bitches in the trunk
Police say I'm foul,
my mama say I'm reckless
Who else you know
got a chicken chain
That's right, nigga,
chicken chain necklace
And I wear
this motherfucker raw
'cause when I be rhyming
I be heating up,
this motherfucker cooks
When I'm hungry,
I eat this son of a bitch
Rrarr, nigga!
Look at my dance
I do the stanky leg
while chilling in my
white t
Eating laffy Taffy,
I be like, "hey, baby"
Lean with it, rock with it,
Superman, whoa
It's all the same shit,
just listen to the flow
Only got one man,
and this be my man
When I say my man,
he really my man
I rap so hard
from the north to the south
Got ring full of hand
and gold full of mouth
Huh? Wait a minute,
how you gonna have
A ring of hand
and mouth with the...
Aw shit
fuck a book, nigga,
look at my dance
Yeah, I want to send
a big shoutout
To all them motherfucking
teachers that said I wasn't
gonna be shit
My English teacher,
my math teacher
My p.E. Teacher,
my Spanish teacher
Oh yeah,
vete a la mierda!
That means "fuck you"
in Spanish
Vete a la mierda
fuck a book, nigga,
look at my dance...
I remember one time
I was in a strip club
in north Carolina.
I gave a bitch a dollar,
but then she was pregnant...
Nine months.
That turned me off.
So I took the money back.
Do you know, before I put
the money in my pocket
a baby's hand came out
of her pussy
and snatched the dollar back?
Aw shit,
look at my dance
Fuck a book, nigga,
look at my dance
Fuck a book,
nigga, look at my dance
Fuck a book, nigga,
look at my dance
Education? Shit,
look at my dance
Look at my dance
look at my dance
this here
a ring tone, nigga
Little weezy, t.I.
Gucci mane
I'm coming for you,
niggas, man
them niggas don't even know
I graduated from Harvard.
Hey yo, New York, man,
thank you.
I appreciate it, baby.
I appreciate the love.
Thank you very much.