Artists and Models (1955) Movie Script

You can trace the mystery
of ancient history
Through art artists and their models
You can comb through
the Rome Coliseum
In the rear of your nearest museum
There's the Mona Lisa
The tower of Pisa
A cowhand's daughter out in Texas
And there's modern art to see
That makes you wonder
what the heck it's meant to be
On the streets of Montmartre
There's a Frenchy kind of art
That is strictly for the tourists
from the sticks
And those wise Greenwich guys
really open up your eyes
Painting portraits
of their pretty little chicks
So to each creator and imitator
Who daubs and dabbles
with the brushes
To the guys that draw the bunnies
For the Sunday morning funnies
And the brighten up the world today
And to every girl that poses
To every Grandma Moses
We'd like to tip the old beret
The art of artists and their models
Hey, Todd. Rick Todd.
Yes, sir, Mr. Kelly.
Mr. Trim is here for a demonstration.
You ready?
Right away, sir, soon as
Eugene tunrs on the smoke machine.
Hey, Eugene.
Hey, get up.
The boss and Trim are here. Get up.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait, wait.
I'm on the third murder.
Looks like the Bat Lady's gonna
blow one of the Rat Man's heads off.
If I end up reading the want ads,
one of your heads will blow off.
Now come on. Get going.
Okay, okay.
Oh, Bat Lady! My Bat Lady!
Rick! Rick!
Got me.
Rick! Rick! Where's Rick?
What's holding you up, Todd?
Starting right away, Mr. Kelly.
All right, get going.
Kelly wants to see it work.
tell him to come in here.
Rick! Rick! Rick!
Eugie, boy, you all right?
You need air.
What's the matter, Kelly?
She having trouble with her lungs?
Look, I'll handle the smoke,
and you attach the tube. Come on.
- Let her go.
- Okay.
Wait! My Bat Lady!
She's not smoking, she's spitting.
Hey, what's going on here?
Oh, not a thing, Officer.
We're just demonstrating a new sign.
Mr. Kelly, watch it.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Rick, I'm all set...
Rick? Rick.
Ricky-Ricky. Ricky-Ricky.
- Yo, Rick!
- What?
Oh. I'm all set to make your dinner.
How would you like your beans?
Preferably out of the can.
No, I mean, how would you like
to have your beans done?
Why don't you stuff them?
No. broil them, medium-rare,
a little mushroom sauce over them.
Beans. Do you know
why all we got eat is beans?
'Cause every time I find a job,
you lose it.
Bat Lady.
You and your crummy comic books.
That's all you ever think about.
No, sometimes I think about girls, too.
I think about girls, too.
That's about all, just think about them.
But can I afford to take them out? No.
You Know, on account of you,
I'm going to be an old maid.
Do you remember why we left
Steubendale and came to New York?
Yeah, because you promised
to marry Ophelia Jackson
- and her father found out...
- No, that wasn't the only reason.
Oh, it was that other girl,
Mabeline Smithers.
- Her brother thought...
- No. Come here. Come here.
We came to New York
so I could make money to study art,
so I could become a famous painter,
so I colud be hung in art galleries,
so I could be hung in museums.
Yeah, and you almost got hung
in Steubendale.
Forget Steubendale.
Try and remember
why you came to New York.
Why'd I come to New York?
I didn't... No. Wait.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
You were going to be a writer.
You were gonna write children's books
about Freddie the Field Mouse,
Goosey the Goose, right?
What have you done?
Nothing except read comic books.
You also lose our jobs
on account of comic books.
You keep me awake every night
with your bad dreams
on account of comic books.
You know I've decided to do, pal?
- Be pals with me?
- Yeah, we'll be pallies.
I'm gonna write you a letter
at least once every month.
- And I'll answer you.
- Good. Now go get supper.
Write to me?
Look, junior,
a divorce is the only way out.
We've been together too long.
Ever since we were Tenderfeet
in the Kangaroo Patrol.
You can have the whole apartment,
full custody of the beans
and the Bat Lady.
Not so hard.
Thank you.
I hope the bubbles
didn't tickle your nosey.
No, just my nose-tril.
- Your nose-tril?
- Yes, just a little tickle.
Hey, you think you have enough there
if I want a little slug?
Oh, sure, Rick.
I have everything when I'm pretending.
You see, I'm just making believe
that we're both very rich,
wealthy millionaires with money.
And you're a very, very famous artist,
and I'm a very famous writer, see?
And I'm just making believe
that we're not even eating beans,
just a big, juicy steak.
Would you like a piece
of my big, juicy steak?
Oh, no. No, no. I'm up to here.
I think I had too much vichyssoise.
That's the idea, Rick.
You have to pretend.
See? 'Cause when you pretend,
then your dreams come true.
It's just like wishing. Watch.
Do that once more.
You see, you're not concentrating, Rick.
You must pretend
and concentrate. Watch.
Although you're stuck beans
There's money in your jeans
When you pretend
The wolf that's at your door
Is not there anymore
When you pretend
There's nothing you can't be
Just wish and see
The world's your cup of tea
Some dish, says me
The happiness you find
Is all a state of mind
That's true, my friend
And life is filled with happy endings
When you pretend
You sold me, junior.
Tomorrow I'm gonna pretend
I don't have to tour
the employment agencies, okay?
Oh, that's wonderful.
And I'll make a real hard wish
that we get a big, juicy steak
so you'll have the strength.
Although you're stuck with beans
There's money in your jeans
When you pretend
The wolf that's at your door
Is not there anymore
When you pretend
There's nothing you can't be
Just wish and see
The world's your cup of tea
Some dish, says me
The happiness you find
Is all a state of mind
That's true, my friend
And life is filled with happy endings
When you pretend
You are a riot. You're a real riot.
You expect me to eat that slop?
So don't eat. You're fat enough anyway.
You know what I'm gonna do?
Do you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna take that lousy steak
And I'm gonna throw it out the window.
Oh, good steak.
Oh, Rick, come on out.
We got steak for supper.
Now, why don't you lay off of that stuff?
- Don't you want a piece of steak?
- For last time, no.
Pretend you're eating it all by yourself.
- Okay, if you say so.
- I say so.
No, impossible.
The happiness you find
Is all a state of mind
That's true, my friend
And life is filled with happy endings
When you pretend
Oh, pardon me.
Out of the wild blue-yellow yonder,
with tail full of jet propulsion,
comes Vincent, Vincent the Vulture.
Vincent the Vulture,
defender of truth and liberty
and member of Audubon Society.
He is half-boy, half-man, half-bird,
with feathers growing out of every pore.
He is flying
to his interplanetary space station,
trying to escape Zuba,
Zuba the Magnificent.
But Vincent is very aware
that behind those inviting red lips,
behind those purple boudoir eyes,
and behind that cleaving cleavage
lies a diabolical soul.
Zuba is trying to get away from Vincent
his secret power formula,
X34 minus 5R1 plus 6-X36.
Vincent is hit. He is hit.
Zuba fires her death-dealing,
atomic-atomising pivot gun.
The gore is oozing out of his tail.
Will Vincent the Vulture
ever live to fly back
to his homogenised space station
high above the Milky way?
And out in space,
Vincent pulls her close,
but Zuba fights against the embrace
of Vincent the Vulture.
She is allergic to his feathers.
Her teeth snarl, gleaming white.
He tears her clothes and exposes
her two big, round shoulders.
Vincent closes in on her.
Eugene. Eugene!
Get me a lawyer.
You'd better.
- Oh, it's you, Mrs. Muldoon.
- It ain't Gina Lollobrigida.
Listen, Eugene, you've been flapping
your gums in your sleep again,
and my new tenant
in 4A is complaining.
Yeah, well, I'm awfully sorry,
Mrs. Muldoon, but I'll apologise to him.
He is a her.
She's a successful artist,
and you stay away from 4A.
I don't want her thinking
that she's moved into skid row.
You mean she's an artist
who makes money?
Paid her rent in advance.
Remember, any more noise, and you're
gonna be using the kerb for a pillow.
Oh, all right, Mrs. Muldoon, I'll watch it.
From now on, I'll sleep with Band-Aids
over my mouth. Band-Aids.
Band-Aids on my...
Successful artist.
Maybe if she saw
some of Rick's paintings...
There's someone at the door, Abby.
There's someone at the door.
What goes on at this place?
First the banshee downstairs,
and now something else.
I don't know how I let you
talk me into moving here.
Because it's Greenwich Village
and it's romantic.
Besides, my horoscope said
this is where I'd meet my true love.
Hold it. Finish this pose.
What'll I say now?
Good evening.
My name is Eugene Fullstack,
and I hear
you're a very successful artist.
And thought maybe that you could
meet my good friend Rick Todd,
who I believe is one
of the better painters.
And I thought if someone so successful
like you would talk to him,
you might just cheer him up.
You see, he's getting very discouraged
just hanging around.
So am I.
Good evening.
My mame is Eugene Fullstack,
and I thought...
Rick! Rick!
Rick! Rick! Rick!
Rick, I just saw the Bat Lady
upstairs, Rick! Wake up!
Honest, I saw her for real
on the fourth floor.
Rick, I'm trying to tell you something.
On the fourth floor...
- Help! Help! Police!
- Oh, I'm sorry. No, lady, don't yell.
- It's a mistake . No, lady, don't yell.
- Help!
- Help! Help! Police!
- No, lady, please.
- No yelling. Lady...
- Help! Help!
- I'm sorry, lady.
- Police! Help!
Help! Police!
The Bat Lady, the fat lady!
Rick! Rick!
Rick, Rick.
- Rick, I saw the Bat Lady uptairs.
- What?
- I saw the Bat Lady upstairs.
- Sure you did.
She made a three-points landing
on the roof. Sure.
No, I'm not kidding.
This is honest, really.
She's upstairs on the fourth floor.
Just take it easy.
Look, will you go back to sleep?
No, this is serious, Rick.
Honest, the Bat Lady scared me
and I ran into the fat lady.
What Bat Lady, fat lady?
What are you, crazy?
No, I'm not crazy. This really happened.
Let me explain.
You see, upstairs is the Bat Lady.
I ran up to the Bat Lady
and she scared me,
- so I ran downstairs to the fat lady.
- Sure.
She scared me
worse than the Bat Lady, see?
- Yeah, sure.
- I was running downstairs
- to tell you about the Bat Lady.
- Eugie.
But the Bat Lady caught me,
the Bat Lady scared me.
- The fat lady was downstairs.
- Eugie!
I ran downstairs
to tell you about the fat lady.
You're just having
one of your bad dreams.
Now, will you get back to sleep?
No, really. I saw her out in the hall.
She's got things
sticking out of her head.
She's a crazy-looking person.
Eugie, you got things
sticking in your head.
Now, look, we'll see.
Come on, I'll show you.
No, no, they're out there.
I'm telling you, I saw it.
- Come here.
- I'm telling you, Rick.
For real, there's someone out there.
I keep telling you.
All right. Be a brave boy.
Open the door and show me.
There's no one out there.
No, I'm scared, Rick.
Scared? I thought
you loved the Bat Lady.
I am, but I'm scared of the fat lady.
There's no fat lady, there's no Bat Lady.
Now open the door
so we can both go back to bed.
I told you she was out there.
- The Bat Lady?
- No, the fat lady.
Oh, you're flipping your butch.
I'll show you there's no one out there.
- She's out there.
- The Bat Lady?
No, the fat lady.
Abby, look.
According to my chart, it's happened.
Tonight my moon is full
and square to Jupiter.
Uranus is square to Sagittarius,
Mars is square to Venus.
I saw him for the first time tonight.
He's the one, my true love.
Oh, Bessie, no.
That square's your true love?
- You tear up that horoscope.
- The stars don't lie.
- But isn't awful about our children?
- Your children?
Shouldn't you be introduced first?
Well, suppose they look like him?
Rent them out for Halloween.
He's not very handsome.
But he is kind of cute.
You know, the safe kind.
The safe kind? What's safe in pants?
Oh, the not-so-handsome kind.
They make the best husbands,
you know.
Other women don't want them.
Listen, the man that another woman
doesn't want doesn't exist.
Now, lights out, girl.
I've got an early appointment
with my publisher in the morning.
Suffering catfish!
You're supposed to be an artist
and a writer of children's stories.
Well, you're not an artist
and you're not a writer,
not by my wife's standards.
I knew I'd make the grade.
Sixty-two pages of drawings
and no blood?
Not even an itsy-bitsy nosebleed?
But, suffering catfish,
do you call this
a Murdock book for kiddies?
With no stranglings,
With no decapitation?
Where are they?
I must have lost my head,
because this is where I get off.
Now, wait a minute, Abigail.
Abigail, please.
Please, now, sit down. Relax.
Let me explain something to you, honey.
Now, come on. Now, listen.
Well, I'm a little bit on the edgy-wedgy
this morning.
My wife's been giving me the knife.
And if sales don't pick up,
she's gonna give me the ax.
You wouldn't want old Murdie boy
out of a job, now, would you?
I'm not Cupid, Mr. Murdock.
If you can't wear the pants
in your family...
The pants?
The pants!
Since Edith and I are separated,
it's a wonder I've got my striped shorts.
Look at the competition
we're getting in television.
You realise, Abigail, night before last,
I counted 13 murders, four stabbings,
nine suffocations and six poisonings
on two channels in one hour.
And another thing...
Just you think of this, girl.
When they're able to show that blood,
that red blood gushing out
of open wounds in spectacular colour...
And they'll get it free,
right into their living rooms there,
free, right into their living rooms,
sponsored by
those friendly used-car dealers.
Sorry, Mr. Murdock.
Get yourself another artist,
someone who can bleed
to suit your wife.
Please, let's talk this over again.
Now, come on.
Now, please, Abigail, don't leave me.
Oh, miss, I'm Rick Todd
and this is Eugene Fullstack,
and the landlady said
we'd find Abigail Parker here.
She's busy now in surgery.
Good. We'll wait. Sit down.
Look, If Miss Parker
doesn't back up your statement,
we're back on the asphalt,
you know that?
Unless you can prove you weren't
trying to make time with the fat lady.
What "make time"?
Who's got that kind of time?
I told you, Rick, I'm still all excited
about when I saw the Bat Lady.
- You like the Bat Lady?
- Oh, Yeah.
And I just found out she's for real.
Sure she is.
She's a living doll.
- Do you... Do you know her?
- Intimately.
In fact, she's even more darling.
in person.
No fooling.
Boy, those lovely lips.
Those red, inviting, luscious lips,
like two strips of liver
gleaming in the moonlight.
What's wrong with your mouth?
Is it sore?
No. I just thought
I felt a pucker coming on.
Oh. And her eyes,
those magnificent eyes.
What's wrong with yours?
You got astigmatism?
No. I was just uncrossing them.
Hey, they really pay money
for this kind of drawing?
What's the matter
with Abigail's drawing?
Oh, bad, very bad.
Look at all that.
Look, the legs, they look like arms.
You should see the Bat Lady's legs.
- Oh, miss?
- Yes?
Your seam's crooked.
Thanks heaps.
- Yes, Mr. Murdock?
- Bessie, I need an artist.
Get me the names of the best artists
that we have on file.
Yes, sir. I'll bring you the folder.
Did you hear what he said?
He needs an artist.
- Did you hear him?
- I'm way ahead of you, junior.
Look, when Bessie comes out,
you grab her and you kiss her.
- Who wants to kiss her?
- You do. I gotta get into that folder, boy.
Yeah, but I got a blister on my lip.
Look, if you could pretend
that beans are T-bone steaks,
you can pretend that she's the Bat Lady.
She might fight you, but you remember,
you're gonna do this
for your old Kangaroo Patrol pal.
Yeah. Pouches forever.
- Okay, kiss, kiss.
Remember, kiss, kiss.
- Yeah.
Will you watch my switchboard, please?
I won't only watch your switchboard,
but I'll buzz your lights
and tangle your plugs.
- Come here, baby.
- Not with your friend watching.
- Oh, he's gone.
- What are we waiting for?
- My Sagittarius is rising. Hang on, boy.
- No, you're supposed to fight me.
- You're supposed to fight me. No!
- No, no, no. Don't fight.
Easy, gal,
he just got some new bearings.
Here, you dropped this.
The stars were right.
My Jupiter's jumping.
Now, stout, fella.
I think we're getting somewhere now.
Yeah, and I think
my blister's getting a blister.
Look, it's smart business
to get in good with the boss' secretary.
Yeah? Why don't you
go into business for yourself?
Put more men on the job.
Here she comes. Grab her, kiss her.
Kiss her again!
- What do you think you're doing?
- Oh, I'm awfully sorry, ma'am.
I thought you were someone else.
He told me to kiss you,
except you're not you, are you?
You told him to kiss me?
Lady, if I had known
he was gonna kiss you,
I wouldn't have sent a boy
to do a man's job.
That's for the man.
You can tell him the job's filled.
- Oh, look what you've done.
- Oh, the Bat Lady.
Are you Miss Abigail Parker,
Miss Parker?
Are you Miss Parker, Miss Parker?
I'm Eugene Fullstack.
- You should lay off protein.
- No, that's my name.
Look, I'm sorry he kissed you,
and he's sorry he kissed you,
aren't you, Eugie?
- No, I liked that a lot.
- No. Look, come here.
You stay here and see if you can
sell Murdock one of your stories.
Maybe between the both of us,
one of us might get a job. Go on.
Hold it, Miss Parker.
Oh, you gotta help us.
My partner said he went to your door
last night and saw a real Bat Lady.
Yes. My model was posing.
Now may I go?
Well, what's the rush?
I never met a lady cartoonist before.
All lady cartoonists
are extremely grateful.
Well, I'm an artist myself.
What do you say
we get together sometime
and compare mad scientists?
I sure love the way
you draw the Bat Lady.
Lovely lines.
I like the way
your bone structure is structured.
Dandy "tibialis gastrocnemiuses", also.
- Going up?
- Yes, down.
Try sideways,
then once around the park.
Parker will do better, dear.
She's going to do substantially better.
That's what I said.
Yeah, so don't fret
your ever-loving fretter.
I said yes!
The sales of the next issue
will show a substantial increase.
Throw in a couple of "uh-huhs"
once in a while, will you?
Great Scott!
What are you supposed to be?
I'm supposed to be Eugene Fullstack.
No, I am Eugene Fullstack.
Are you Mr. Murdock?
All right, come on, speak up, boy.
Come on, speak up.
Speak, speak, speak.
Speak. What's on your mind?
Spit it out, boy. Spit it out.
But, you see, I write little stories
for children. Children's stories, see?
- And I came up...
- You're... Oh, you're a writer. Oh!
You have that thin, emaciated,
anaemic look, bloodless look,
probably very much in need of
a publisher for a great new comic book.
Well, why didn't you say so?
Come on, now.
Wipe that helpless look off your face.
Come right up to me and say,
"Mr. Murdock, I've got a great new idea
for a new comic book.
"Are you interested?" Come on.
"Mr. Murdock,
"I've got a new, great idea
"for a new comic book!
"Are you interested?"
- No. No.
- Oh.
But wait. Wait, wait, wait.
But maybe an idea
growing out of the brain
that probably lies behind that face
may be just what
my wife's separate maintenance needs.
Lad, what's the idea?
Give me the gist of it.
What is it all about? Give me the idea.
Well, you see,
I write about all my little friends.
- Oh, yes.
- Little Goosey Goose
and little Freddie Field Mouse,
who live in a little corn field.
Now, these little friends of mine...
Little Goosey Goose
and little Freddie Field Mouse?
You see that little window
back there, boy?
Yes, sir.
Open it a little. Then jump.
All right. No, no!
I'd like to see Mr. Murdock.
Good afternoon, madam.
At your service.
Then you, Mr. Murdock,
are responsible for my son, Richard.
Oh, how do you do, Mrs. Murdock?
Nice to know you.
I am not Mrs. Murdock.
I am Mrs. John Stilton.
As publisher of "The Bat Lady",
you are responsible
for my son's condition.
And as I am chairman of
the Second Elementary School District,
I am going to file a petition
against your comic book.
Before I do, however,
I think you ought to have the pleasure
of my son Richard's company
While I go shopping,
to observe for yourself
the effect your horror literature
has on undeveloped minds!
Yes, but, madam, as a mother,
aren't you just a little bit worried about
leaving your undeveloped mind here?
Your mother is the one to be worried.
Well, Richard,
pleased to make your acquaintance.
Pleased to offer you my hand.
What happened? What's the matter?
Bessie, what floor is the nurse on?
The second,
right below Dr. Stevens' office.
Thank you.
Bringing kids!
Who's that?
This is Richard Stilton.
His mother left him here for developing.
Don't get too close, though.
He may be poisonous.
Well, he's cute.
Well, Richard,
What can I do to entertain you?
Not a thing.
You're too old for me, mophead.
- Is this a dagger?
- No, it's a letter opener,
and it's too sharp
for little boys to play with.
Who wants to play with it?
Richard! That's no way to behave.
The Bat Lady wouldn't like that.
Who cares about the Bat Lady?
She's too tame. She stinks.
No blood. I like blood.
You touch me, and I'll throw
this jug of acid in your eyes.
- I'll mobilise you!
- Eugene, no!
I got it.
Look, Niagara Falls.
Why don't you two go on a honeymoon?
I'll bring the barrel.
- Hurry! Outside!
- Yeah.
Thank you for the escort.
It's been dandy having somebody
breathe down my neck for two hours.
Oh, well, it's a dandy neck,
and I wouldn't mind going on overtime.
Same old line, eh, Ricky?
It's a man at work.
Now, look, honey,
you're an unemployed artist
and I'm an unemployed artist.
What do you say
we get together sometime
and rattle our palettes around?
Watch out, girl. He really rattles.
- Aren't you late for something?
- Looks like it.
That's a friend of yours?
She is now.
Look, I'm sorry you're unemployed,
but it happens that I'm not.
I'm doing an advertising layout.
So if you'll excuse me,
I'll get my models and get to work.
Yes, models.
You understand.
They're people who pose.
I need one male and one female.
Well, now,
you can't beat that combination.
How about me for the male?
I posed once. Remember that poster,
"Send This Boy to Camp"?
It was me.
Maybe you would do.
Have you ever posed with a girl?
Not while anyone was watching.
No, no, no. Hold her tighter.
Be passionate. You love her.
Take it easy. My back's killing me.
You heard boss. She said tighter.
I said tighter,
but I didn't say fracture her rib case.
Come on, I'll show him.
Now put your arms around me.
That's it. Now bend me back a little.
That's fine. Now look into my eyes.
Come close.
Now pretend you love
my Cleave-To lipstick.
Pretend? You sound like my roommate.
But you don't look like him.
Well, that was uncalled for.
I could have sworn I heard you call.
I believe you should be
sent back to camp, Mr. Todd.
That'll be all today, Janet.
We'll continue tomorrow
when I can get you
a professional model to work with.
Okay, Miss Parker.
- Bye, now.
- Bye.
Let's see. You worked two hours.
That should do it.
No. That one was on the house.
It's only a sample to show you what
you don't have to be missing anymore.
Your humility intrigues me.
Miss Parker, aren't you breathing
a little heavy for just a kiss?
You're not in condition, are you?
What's the matther,
all work and no playing around?
Mr. Todd, I'm breathing heavily
because I happen to be
a perfectly normal young woman.
My heart beats, my pulse pounds,
my blood count is high.
I have all the biological impulses
that anybody else has.
- I'm no different than you.
- I wouldn't say that.
I like being kissed. I love it.
Under the mistletoe, in the dark,
early in the morning,
lunchtime, teatime,
cocktail time, anytime,
but I don't want to be kissed by you.
Oh, hold it.
Give me a chance.
At least with the cocktails
and the mistletoe bit.
I might grow on you.
See, I even fell for you.
I never thought
I'd ever be caught
Using an old clich
I'm on a spot
Believe it or not
This is all I can think of to say
You look so familiar
Have we ever met before?
Everything about you
Seems to ring a bell
You look so familiar
Have we been this close before?
If my heart could talk
You'd hear it sing as well
There must be
An explanation
What I feel is not
You look so familiar
Now it all comes back, it seems
I remember, you were in my dreams
Scout's honour, Your Honour.
I remember
You were in my dreams
- Hello?
- Is Mr. Rick Todd in yet?
Just a minute.
Rick Todd! Telephone!
Ask him to meet me for lunch
at the Stork Club in a half an hour.
Yes, Mr. Murdock.
Rick Todd! Telephone!
Telephone? Okay, just a minute.
You look so
You look
Oh, Rick.
Oh, Rick, there's a telephone call.
- Who is it?
- What?
- Who is it?
- Oh, I don't know.
- Well, go find out.
- Oh, all right.
Now. Check, check, okay.
- Hello.
- Mr. Todd?
- Yeah. Who's calling?
- The Murdock Publishing Company.
Oh, okay, just a minute.
Hey, Rick, Rick.
It's the Murdock Publishing Company.
What'd I tell you?
With your sugar lips and my brains,
we're gonna go places.
- What'd they want?
- Oh, I didn't ask.
Then ask. Well, go and ask!
Oh, check, check, okay.
Hello. What do you want?
Mr. Murdock would like to know
if Mr. Todd can see him.
Just a minute. I'll find out.
Well, well?
Can you see Mr. Murdock?
Can I see him? Of course I can see him.
Where? When? Where?
- I don't know.
- Well, go find out!
Yes, sir. Check, check, check.
When? Where?
"When? Where?"
Oh, Mr. Murdock would like to know
if Mr. Todd could have lunch with him
at the Stork Club in half an hour.
He'll... He'll be there.
All right, what'd they say?
What'd they say?
Speak up, butt-brain.
What'd they say? Speak up!
I can't hear you. Tell me.
Give me a signal, something.
- What did they say?
- Wait.
Eugie, what'd they say?
Give me a signal, something. Good.
Oh, a duck? A duck. A duck, right?
A duck. A duck.
Sounds like... Sounds like murder.
Murder? Sherlock? Murder?
Murder? A murduck?
Murdock! Oh, Murdock.
Oh, yeah, Murdock.
That was him on the phone?
Well, what does he want?
What's he want? What does he want?
He wants... A cow?
Murdock wants a cow?
What's he want a cow for?
He wants to eat a cow?
He wants to eat meat, right? What?
What does he want? what?
Oh, he wants some meat. Meat?
What are you doing in the tub? Meat?
He wants to meat...
Oh, Murdock wants to meet me.
Yeah! Where? Where?
All right don't get...
Where does he want to meet me?
Out there? He's out there now? Where?
He wants to meet me and fly?
- Where?
- Hold on.
Oh, you're a stork! That's it!
Mr. Murdock wants to meet me
at the Stork Club, right?
Hey, thanks for squaring
Eugie and me with the landlady.
You're welcome.
She explained all about Eugene
and his wild comic-book dreams.
You're to blame, all that Bat Lady stuff.
That's all over now.
You know, I think I could help Eugene.
Is he free to go to a meeting we're
having tonight about comic books?
Why don't you go up and ask him?
He's taking a bath, but walk right in.
He's got his clothes on.
You know, you still look familiar.
And you still act familiar.
I'll see you later.
- There. Todd?
- Yes, sir.
Sit right down.
I've already ordered for you.
Thank you, Mr. Furdock... Murdock.
This is my daughter.
Now, let's get right down
to business, lad.
What are your ideas?
- Ideas?
- Yes.
You mean stories?
You want someone to write them?
I need crime, I need passion
and even romance,
that is, providing
it's between your repulse characters.
You want something gory,
like the Vulture.
Vulture, Vulture. Sounds fresh.
I don't think there's any character
like that in comic books.
You mean
you've never heard of the Vulture?
well, how could I? You just told me.
Well, now, come on. now.
When did you dream this up?
I didn't dream this up.
I didn't know
he dreamed original dreams.
Come on, now. Stop babbling, boy.
Stop babbling.
Who dreams? What dreams?
Come on, tell me about the Vulture,
and give me that gore pouring out.
Oozing out, Mr. Murdock!
Oozing out of his tail!
Don't pay any attention to them.
It's perfectly all right.
- Oozing out of whose tail, lad?
- Vincent. Vincent the Vulture.
Oh, Vincent the Vulture.
Vincent the Vulture.
Oh, I see what you mean.
What happens next? Tell me.
I can't tell you now.
You can't tell me now. Well, why not?
I gotta go home
and have him sleep on it.
I mean, I gotta go home and sleep on it.
Oh, Eugie, you dream boy, you.
The Better America Forum "is on the air".
You nervous, Eugene?
Oh, no, just my knees are nervous.
They've never been on television before.
Tonight "The Better America Forum"
brings to your attention
the monumental problem
confronting your children today,
the ever-growing threat and menace
of the cheap pulps
found on all newsstands
masquerading under the titles
of comic books.
Now, to aid us in our discussion,
we have enlisted the aid
of Professor Samuel D. Roberts,
child psychologist Mrs. Newton Geudel,
Miss Abigail Parker.
Miss Parker, artist and writer,
was until recently
herself a contributor to comic books.
She knows the pressures
brought by unscrupulous publishers.
We've fortunate also
in having Miss Parker's guest,
Mr. Eugene Fullstack.
Mr. Fullstack, I understand, has been
reading comic books for 15 years.
He has come at Miss Parker's request
to give us his firsthand knowledge
of what can happen to the human brain
on a steady diet of comic books.
Bullyoo, bullyoo
Boy, have I got news for you
I've got a feeling, hap-happy feeling
This is my lucky day
Don't want to sing the blues no more
Not when I feel this way
I'm gonna rock it 'cause in my pocket
I got a load of green
I want to spread the word around
So you'll know what I mean
Bullyoo, bullyoo
Boy, have I got news for you
I'm going to march, march, march
along the avenue
I'm gonna sing, sing, sing
my lucky song
I'm going to fly, fly, fly
like little birdies do
Spread your wings and come along
I'm going to live, live, live it up
along the way
So tell me, how can things go wrong?
Hey, brother, what a heyday
This has been my lucky payday
And my lucky song
Bullyoo, bullyoo
Boy, have I got news for you
Scat a song
sing along
I'm going to march, march, march
along the avenue
I'm gonna sing, sing, sing
my lucky song
I'm going to fly, fly, fly
like little birdies do
Spread your wings and come along
I'm going to live, live, live it up
along the way
So tell me, how can things go wrong?
Hey, brother, what a heyday
This has been my lucky payday
And my locky song
Wanna give
Wanna give
Wanna spread this happy stuff around
Wanna sing
Wanna dance
Wanna raise my feet right off the ground
I'm going to march, march, march
along the avenue
So tell me, how can thing go wrong?
Hey, brother, what a heyday
This has been my lucky payday
And my lucky song
My luck-luck-lucky song
My luck-luck-lucky song
My luck-luck-lucky song
Thank you, and good evening.
Hi, Eugie.
I am here to talk to the children
and to the parents of the children,
because if there weren't parents,
there wouldn't be children,
and vice versa.
What I mean is that parents
are necessary if you want children,
and children are necessary
if parents want them,
if know what I mean.
if know what I mean.
Eugene! What are you doing in there?
I'm here to tell you
how bad comic books are for you.
I never thought they were bad myself
until my friend Rick Todd
told me how bad they were.
Well, I was wrong.
Boy, was I wrong. Hey.
And how right he was.
No, I was wrong, you dope.
And I almost became a dope
reading comic books.
And I realise that
that is why I am now a little retarded.
You see, I was very slow in school.
That is, the comic books made me
very slow in school.
As a matter of fact,
I was so slow in school
that I went to summer school
in the wintertime.
Like, for instance,
the story you told me about, Mr. Baker.
The five-year-old kid that was caught
stuffing his grandmother
in the trunk compartment of the car.
An extreme example
of comic book influence.
Oh, yes.
And any five-year-old kid should know
he's not old enough to drive a car.
Have comic books influenced you
to that extent?
Oh, I didn't learn to drive
until I was eight.
Now, would you say that you have
learned anything from comic books?
Oh, yes. Yeah. Oh...
Oh, boy, yes.
I learned... Particularly, I learned
how to grow poison plants
in a windowsill flowerport,
how to keep the tarnish
off brass knuckles,
also, how to start a fire
by rubbing two gasoline cans together.
What a fire that makes.
And also
how to make a hangman's knot.
And last
and certainly, by no means, least,
how to prepare rat poison
so that it spreads like peanut butter.
I see.
And now you realise
that this knowledge is dangerous.
Oh, yes, it is very dangerous. yes.
Oh, it's pretty... Real...
It's dangerous, all right.
It gave me very bad dreams.
Bad? They're worth a pile!
Now, what exactly did you dream?
Well, that's the trouble, see?
That's it, right there.
I never retained anything I dreamed.
I never remembered anything
when I woke up,
except my friend Rick
said they were very bad dreams.
Oh, yes. They were awful.
I screamed and carried on and...
Oh, it was something awful.
My subconscious was battling
against my conscious,
and the basic intelligence of my mind
wouldn't allow myself to comprehend
some of the problems
that were forethought prior to sleeping,
and at the same time,
not having any rest,
because of no sedation whatsoever
to make my rest and dreams
any brighter or smarter than they were
when I was much younger.
Rick, we're home.
Well, now, Mrs. Muldoon,
you're much stronger than I am.
We'll pay the rent, honest.
Miss Parker and I...
Oh, yes. I'm going to illustrate
one of Eugene's stories.
I know it'll sell.
Sell, schmell. Eugene, your rent's paid.
You give this to Mr. Todd for me.
Well, what do you...
What do you mean, our rent's paid?
It certainly is. He gave it to me.
Mr. Todd, in advance.
I think Rick took that job with Murdock.
And if he did, we're not pals no more.
Rick? Rick? Rick.
Well, where you two been?
Where you been?
And where did you get the money
to pay the rent?
Oh, I've arrived, boy. I've arrived.
It's me and Rembrandt now.
We're neck-and-neck. Look.
- Oh, you sold the painting!
- Oh, Rick, that's wonderful.
That was nothing.
Matter of fact, I feel another
masterpiece coming on right now.
What is it, curly top?
Well, I feel
a little ashamed of myself, Rick.
I thought you got the money
for doing a comic book for Mr. Murdock.
Here. That's from Mrs. Muldoon,
and that's from me.
Jury still out on you?
Not guilty.
Hey! Cute characters.
Your boyfriend has a story idea
for children's books.
- I'm going to illustrate them.
- My boyfriend?
He's up to his ears with the Bat Lady.
Well, you should have told him
it was you.
I wanted him to go for me,
not for some costume you dreamed up.
Well, you weren't wearing a costume
when he kissed you.
You weren't wearing a costume
when he kissed you.
But I told you,
he thought it was you coming back.
You just be patient.
He'll stop those crazy dreams
and see you for your own charming self.
Our song.
All right, you said that. Okay, you said it.
Dream louder. Louder.
Vincent flaps his feeble wings
as he tries to fly back
to his space station
before Zuba gets to him.
She looks across the water
with her lavender eye
and then moves in for the kill.
Lavender eyes? You said purple eyes.
One lavender, one purple
and one magenta.
Three eyes?
One in the back, like a rear-view mirror.
And she uses her beautiful body
like a pair of pontoons.
She sails across the jungle swamp,
ready to sink her fangs
into Vincent's jungular veins
so that she can get away
with his secret power formula,
X34 minus 5R1 plus 6-X36.
Oh, boy.
What do you suppose
the stars would say about Rick?
I've taken up numerology.
I'm off the stars.
They made me flip my Little Dipper
and fall for a guy
who's in love with the lady in black.
I'll gonna tell him you're the Bat Lady.
Oh, no, you don't. I don't want to wear
a mask the rest of my life.
Some honeymoon,
with a pair of wings on my back.
How's the numerology working out?
You know, numerology's a science.
I take the numbers,
the day, the month and the year
that I was born.
I add to the day, the month
and the year that Eugene was born.
And that answer,
I divide with my street address,
then I add that
to my Social Security Number,
and with that answer, I divide
Eugene's Social Security Number.
Then I mutiply that by the number
of dancing lessons I take,
and the number of calories
I eat in one day, I subtract from that,
and then I multiply the whole thing,
by now tall I am, and that's the answer.
- How does it work out?
- Zero. Eugene again.
That still doesn't help me with Rick.
Could be
you're in love with Rick, maybe.
Oh, Bessie, you don't fall in love with
someone you've only seen a few times.
I guess I'd better put some oil on you.
You're going to burn.
You have strong hands.
I wonder if he really likes me.
I bet if he had the chance,
he couldn't keep his hands off you.
I love this song. Listen.
If our lips should meet
Kiss me, kiss me sweet
Hold me close and say you're mine
With a love as warm as wine
I'm at heaven's door
Want you more and more
You're a symphony
A very beautiful sonata
My innamorata
Say that you're my sweetheart
My love
- Bessie?
- Yeah?
Who's that singer? He sounds like Rick.
Oh, you know, he's the fellow that had
that big record on "That's Amore".
You remember, the one...
How can you be rubbing my back
from way over there?
I don't sing as good as he does,
but I'm trying.
Yes, he...
Strong voice and very strong hands.
You're breathing heavy again.
I should have brought along
my stethoscope.
Oh, you're a doctor, too?
I think I could prescribe something.
Like a chiropractor treatment, no doubt.
A little pink pill that says
you can fall in love with someone
you've only seen a few times.
If our lips should meet
kiss me, kiss me sweet
Hold me close and say you're mine
With a love as warm as wine
I'm at heaven's door
Want you more and more
you're a symphony
A very
If our lips should meet
Kiss me, kiss me sweet
Hold me close and say you're mine
With a love as warm as wine
I'm at heaven's door
Want you more and more
You're a symphony
A very beautiful sonata
My innamorata
Say that you're my sweetheart
My love
Hold me close and say you're mine
With a love as warm as wine
You're a symphony
A very beautiful sonata
My innamorata
Say that you're my sweetheart
My love
Say that you're my sweetheart
There. Now, how's that for Freddie?
Oh, he looks just like
I dreamed he would. He's cute.
He looks like you, Eugene.
No, I'm not cute.
They wanted to have me drowned
when I was born,
but the SPCA stopped them.
I know somebody else
that thinks you're cute.
Oh, you mean your Bat Lady model?
I can't wait to meet her.
You will. She'll be dancing
at the Artists and Models Ball.
You'll meet her then.
Oh, you mean she dances, too,
like Bessie?
- Almost exactly like Bessie.
- Oh.
Now, how about trying
that Goosey Goose pose again?
Oh, okay.
Okay, Anita. Take five.
- How's it going?
- Oh, pretty good.
You've changed.
Now when I pose for you,
all you do is draw.
Rick! Rick! Rick!
- Oh, yes.
- Come on. Please hurry.
Is that why you've changed?
You change. Go get dressed.
Come back tomorrow, the same time.
It's Eugene. He was posing for me.
I think it's his sacroiliac.
He can't straighten up.
Come on, quick! He can't straighten up.
Good afternoon,
Eureka Massage Parlour.
Our rub and steam
will make you dream.
Just a minute, I'll check.
Bring him right in here. Right in here.
Yes, we can take you
this afternoon at 5:30. Bye.
We don't need
your assistance now, son.
Just put him down.
Now, you run and have some alfalfa tea.
We'll have him all fixed up in no time.
- Think nothing of it.
- Easy.
- Hurt?
- No.
A little tougher than I thought.
What have you been eating, anyway?
Your diet's all wrong.
All fixed up.
Oh, easy. Easy, please.
Oh, pain. Oh, plenty of pain.
Oh, I gotta get new soles.
Oh, easy. Easy.
Anyone for taffy?
Wait, no.
Wait a second. No, lady.
Look, get this foot...
No, wait. This... Oh, my leg's falling off.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Wait, just hold everything.
One second, please.
Lady, one second. Rick. Rick!
Wait one... My friend will...
- Rick!
- What is it?
Here, you better get...
- We're in trouble a little here.
- You're in trouble? Well, I'll help.
Yeah, why don't you
put your foot under hers?
Brace her foot up. That's it, that's it.
- Just put your foot... Yeah.
- Under her?
- Sit here, Rick, by leaning back.
- All right.
That's it. Good.
- That way?
- No, wait a second.
- No?
- Come around this way.
- This way?
- That's it. Now brace your foot up, over.
- Over. That's it.
- That ought to fix everything, huh?
- Yeah.
- Sure.
That's not working very good.
Lady, lady, would you help here?
You just grab...
See my foot down there?
Just hold it. Pull it up. That's it.
Now get up on the table. Fine. Up and...
Now come over.
Bring this foot around here.
That's good. Hold it there.
Now hold my foot.
And I may be able to slip this one out.
No, hold it.
Hold everything.
Let me slip this one out.
Rick, it's going to be all right.
- Sure it is.
- Wait, we'll get another lady.
- You better... Here. No.
- Sure, we need another lady.
Give me this hand. Hold on there.
Now let go of that foot.
Good. Is there another lady?
That's fine. Here, you hold onto her.
Good, like that. Fine. Lady! One lady.
Here, could you get on the edge of the...
- It's gonna be all right.
- I know. I'm fine.
Get on the edge of the table. That's it.
Now, look.
Here, miss, just bend down over here.
Here. Give me your hand.
Good. Now hold onto him.
That's fine. Now bring this leg over.
That's fine. Bring that leg over.
No, bring this leg down here.
That's fine. That's it.
Now get... You... Look.
Just get that leg over in this side.
That's fine. Wait, no.
Bring it around there.
Can you help her with this leg there?
Maybe if she...
Wait, I tell you what.
I'll see you at the apartment later, huh?
I don't think so. I may have lunch here.
All right. See you later.
Oh, what a mess.
Wait a minute! Easy.
It's a dime. It's a dime.
That, gentlemen, is the final test
of our new power formula.
We can safely predict
our nation will be the first
to break through
the Earth's gravitational pull
and establish a space station.
Colonel Drury here has been in charge
of developing our secret power formula.
I'm afraid it's not a secret
any longer, General Traynor.
"X34 minus 5R1"?
But that's half of our formula!
My son bought that
at the corner newsstand last night.
You can't buy a top secret
at a corner newsstand.
The Murdock Publishing Company
in New York
disagrees with you, General.
Get me the Secret Service
on the phone immediately.
Yes, sir.
Yes, General,
I have the comic book before me.
I'll put two my best men
on the assignment.
This may be a clever way
of conveying our secrets to the enemy.
We must find out
if they have the remainder
of our space station formula.
Of course the United States wouldn't
publish top secrets in a comic book,
but the formula works to a point.
It's a trap. We cannot take a chance.
If this cartoonist has
the mathematic equations
to take a space station
beyond the Earth's atmosphere,
we must take the chance.
All right.
I leave it to an expert in these matters.
My dear Sonia,
where a man is concerned,
you have never failed.
This time you have to work fast.
Get to him quickly, directly.
Become his friend,
his closest companion.
Yes, gentlemen.
I am always their closest companion.
- Hello.
- Hello.
I'm looking for a man.
Well, they never let me
dress with the girls.
His name is Todd.
Oh, he isn't here. He's my roommate.
I'm Eugene Stackfull...
I mean, Fullstack.
Oh, here you are.
Thank you.
- Will he be long?
- I don't know.
Is there anything I can do?
I doubt it.
I'll wait.
I'd like to stay
and check my thermometer,
but I have to go see a man
about a costume.
Well, I tell you, we're a smash, Todd!
The presses are working overtime.
We're selling on the black market
in Boston.
I told you that that Zuba was all girl.
Look at her.
By the way, you've met my cousin here,
haven't you?
When you meet her,
you meet your whole family.
Family. I'm speaking of family items.
Look at this.
The Vulture brass knuckles.
It's guaranteed, no rust. Oh, yes.
And look at this, Rick.
Right according to your specification,
just the way you drew it.
The death-dealing
disintegrator atom gun.
Watch this.
Real nice, Murdock. Very nice.
A couple more issues,
and you and I
will make them forget Hitler.
Now, wait a minute.
Don't get squeamish, Todd.
Now, why don't you and your daughter
and your niece and your cousin
tell your wife off?
I'm through, Mr. Murdock.
I gotta go, go, go.
- Say goodbye to your uncle.
- But you...
What's going on down there?
Oh, Well, it seems like...
It looks like Todd told Murdock off
and he's leaving.
Of course, I can't see so well
from this rear window.
- Todd?
- Yeah.
Secret Service?
Look, I've been telling you.
Eugene dreams the space formula.
He doesn't know
what he's saying in his sleep.
We've got to know
whether he's got the rest of that formula
tucked away in his subconscious or not.
Go with Todd.
Check on Fullstack's dreams.
- Take the tape recorder.
- Oh, no, look.
If they go with me, then I gotta go
tell Eugene that I'm doing "The Vulture".
Then we'll be through as pals.
Can't they come after the ball,
when he's asleep?
All right,
but I'm holding you responsible.
Don't you let Fullstack out of your sight.
We don't want him
dreaming for our enemies.
Well, I'll stick with him, sir.
I appreciate your cooperation, Todd.
Who knows? The President
might invite you to the White House.
- Oh, I doubt that.
- Why?
I shoot in the low 70s.
Nothing. If he has
the rest of the formula,
he must keep it in his head.
- Get him to the laboratory tonight.
- Don't worry.
- Well, hello.
- Hello.
Mr. Todd?
If I'm in the right apartment,
I'm Mr. Todd.
I am Mrs. Thomas Curtis.
Your roommate let me in. He left.
You know, that's the smartest thing
he's ever done.
I've heard what a fine artist you are,
and I came to see your paintings.
Oh, it's beautiful.
I like them very much.
Why, thank you. That makes two of us.
You see, I would like
to have my portrait painted,
and after seeing your work,
I am sure you could do me very well.
Well, thank you very much.
I'll do my best.
Now, what size portrait would you want,
full-length or bust?
Well, I had full-length in mind.
I'll show you what I mean.
You see, I would like to give it
to my third husband
as a surprise present.
My congratulations to all three of them.
What do you think of this pose,
Mr. Todd?
You could do a big calendar business.
Well, if you don't approve,
what do you suggest?
Oh, I'm not knocking it.
I think if you had this arm up
a little there...
That's it.
And head down.
Yes, yes. I like this much better.
You see,I want something intimate,
something I can hang over the bar.
Well, with you hanging there,
they won't need any liquor in the bottles.
Could you start working on me
right now, Mr. Todd?
Don't you think it's a little late for that?
We could go to my house.
My husband is away,
and we wouldn't be disturbed.
We would be quite alone,
just the two of us.
- Just the two of us?
- Hey, Rick!
Who's gonna put the ice on my neck?
Hey, Rick!
If I have a neck left.
Just a minute, honey.
There'll be a slight intermission,
Mrs. Curtis.
Oh, hello, darling.
- Where's Eugene?
- Eugene?
I thought I heard you
talking to someone.
Eugene. Oh, well,
he's taking off his clothes,
and he's taking a shower.
Oh, well, ask him
what he's going to wear tonight.
Tell him the Bat Lady wants to know
so she can recognise him.
Okay. I'll ask him.
- Hello, Abigail.
- Eugene! You're taking a bath.
Oh, yeah, 'cause I'm gonna wear
my new costume.
It's the first time
I ever had my own head.
- How is that, my own head?
- Oh, no, you're taking a bath right now.
Fine, Abigail, but don't rush me.
I'll take a bath.
Eugene, Abby wants to know
what you're gonna wear tonight.
Oh, I'm going to wear my...
Who's he talking to?
Yes, who was he talking to?
All right. I'll tell her.
Well, what did he say, dear?
Well, he's gonna wear
his Freddie Field Mouse costume.
Oh, why don't you
let me talk to Eugene?
Oh, no, Abigail. He's taking a shower.
You'll get all... You'll get all wet.
He's taking a shower. You'll get all wet.
You got dry in a hurry, didn't you?
There's no one in there.
Just my mother, see?
It's a surprise.
She's from Steubendale, remember?
Oh, mother.
- Mother?
- Well, I can explain this, Abby.
Not to me, You can't.
Watch out for the bit
with the suntan oil, Mother.
Entertain Mrs. Curtis
while I talk with Abigail.
Entertain her?
Wow! Here we are.
You just sit right there.
No, not that way. Do your
Boy Scout bird calls or something.
What bird call are you particularly
interested in, Mrs. Curtis?
Do you know the Hungarian kiwi?
The Hungarian kiwi?
Oh, you mean the Hungarian peewee.
In Hungary, we don't have peewees.
We only have kiwis.
Oh, in Hungary,
you don't have peewees?
You only have kiwis.
You don't know the Hungarian kiwi?
No, I don't know the Hungarian kiwi.
The Hungarian peewee, I know.
- Good.
- Good.
To tell you the truth,
I mostly know the Steubendale bird,
like, the pizza bird that goes...
She's gotta be a phony, Mr. Samuels.
Right off the bat, she turns on
her heater and goes overboard
to try to get me to go to her place.
I played along
till I had a chance to call you.
Very smart, Todd.
If she didn't show any interest
in Eugene,
she doesn't know he has the formula.
Now, keep playing along.
There may be others with her
and we can get them all.
Here's what you do.
Tonight after
the Artists and Models Ball...
Well, what if Mrs. Curtis
doesn't want to go to the ball?
Well, I can't do that, Mr. Samuels.
I'm in love with another girl.
It's my duty
to the United States of America?
Are you sure?
If I'd known that, I'd have joined the FBI
instead of the Kangaroo Patrol.
Okay. Oh, boy.
What are you doing,
bucking for a nosebleed or something?
I can't keep this dickey down, Ricky.
Anybody ever tell you
that dickeys went out with horse cars?
If you're going to rent, why didn't you
rent a modern dress shirt,
something, like, about 1922?
There. That ought to do it.
Thank you very...
Thank you very much, Rick.
I gotta look real nice,
'cause I'm gonna meet the Bat Lady
for the first time tonight.
You know, if she's wearing a bustle,
you two are gonna make
a dandy-looking pair.
- Yeah.
- There.
What am I gonna do, Rick?
If the Bat Lady feels like kissing me,
every time she'll come near me,
she'll get an uppercut.
I got an idea. I got an idea.
Why don't you button the dickey
on the top of the shorts here? See?
Well, let me do it. You can't get to it.
- Go ahead.
- Wait a minute.
Here? This button, huh?
Yeah, put it right there.
That'll hold everything down.
All right.
Oh, yeah. Hey, thanks, Rick.
Good. Now hurry up.
We're going to be late.
- Hurry up.
- All right.
I'll be right there,
as soon as I put my shoes on.
I wonder if I can walk at all with this.
Something's crooked.
I think something's... Wait, this way.
Over there. That's it.
Something's pulling me. Yeah.
I'll be right there, Rick.
Hey, Bessie, you were great.
It's just the numerology.
Hurry up, girls. Let's go. Step on it.
"Artists and Models" number.
Todd, Fullstack, you're on.
- And we'll be pals forever?
- Pals forever.
- Scout's honour?
- Scout's honour.
- Kangaroo Patrol.
- Kangaroo Patrol.
Pouches forever.
- Hippity-hop, hippity-hop, kangaroo.
- Hippity-hop, hippity-hop, kangaroo.
- Hippity-hop, hippity-hop, kangaroo.
- Hippity-hop, hippity-hop, kangaroo.
- Hippity-hop, hippity-hop, kangaroo.
- Hippity-hop, hippity-hop, kangaroo.
- K-A-N-G-A-R-O-O!
- K-A-N-G-A-R-O-O!
- Are you ready?
- In a minute.
All you very lovely ladies
In your very fancy frocks
And you fellas with the palettes
In your most artistic smocks
Use your thumb to get perspective
Of a world that's drab and grey
Add a lot of colour
And frame it just that way
You can trace the mystery
of ancient history
Through art of artists and their models
You can comb through
the Rome Coliseum
In the rear of your nearest museum
There's the Mona Lisa
The Tower of Pisa
A cowhand's daughter out in Texas
And there's modern art to see
That makes you wonder
what the heck it's meant to be
On the streets of Montmartre
There's a Frenchy kind of art
That is strictly for the tourists
from the sticks
And those wise Greenwich guys
really open up your eyes
Painting portraits
of their pretty little chicks
Pretty little chicks
So to each creator and imitator
Who daubs and dabbles
with the brushes
To the guys that draw the bunnies
For the Sunday morning funnies
And brighten up the world today
And to every girl that poses
And to every Grandma Moses
We'd like to tip the old beret
Let me warn you, stranger
That red means danger
Beware of any gal that wears it
I agree she may be very gracious
But you'll find
that she's kind of flirtatious
Oh, I'd like to pilot a gal in violet
A shrinking violet is my pleasure
Hear my heart go whoop-de-doo
To any baby dressed in periwinkle blue
If a girl's wearing lime
You can squeeze her every time
For a lime is something
anyone can squeeze
Any gal wearing green
makes a most enchanting queen
She's the kind of queen
who always aims to please
Oh, I'm really sold on a gal with gold on
If I could find her, what a treasure
To a gal that's wearing yellow
I'm a very mellow fellow
This shade of blue is just my kind
You will never hear me knocking
any pink that's really shocking
I think we're going colourblind
You can trace the mystery
of ancient history
Through art of artists and their models
You can comb through
the Rome Coliseum
In the rear of your nearest museum
There's the Mona Lisa
The Tower of Pisa
The cowhand's daughter out in Texas
And there's modern art to see
That makes you wonder
what the heck it's meant to be
On the streets of Montmartre
There's a Frenchy kind of art
That is strictly for the tourists
from the sticks
And those wise Greenwich guys
really open your eyes
Painting portraits
of their pretty little chicks
So to each creator and imitator
Who daubs and dabbles
with the brushes
For the guys who draw the bunnies
For the Sunday morning funnies
And brighten up the world today
So to each creator and imitator
Who daubs and dabbles
with the brushes
To the gals who look so fetching
To the guys who do the sketching
We'd like to give a hip-hip-hooray
We'd like to tip the old beret
To the artists and the models
Who brighten up the world
I gotta get into my other costume
to meet the Bat Lady.
- Hurry up.
- Here, take that off.
All right.
Get him down the back elevator
Leave it to me.
Hey, you're stepping on my tail!
The Bat... The Bat...
- Bat Lady!
- Come to me, darling.
- Come on. There we go.
- Hello, Henrietta.
Hey, Eugene, what are you doing?
Well, if ask me, he's making time
down the back elevator with a bat.
Oh, wonderful.
He went with Bessie. That's great.
- Bessie! What happened?
- Where's that dame?
She stole my clothes.
- They've gone.
- Whoa! I can't go out there like this.
Put this on.
- Did a bat and a fat rat come out?
- They just left in that foreign job.
Come on. Let's get going.
Bessie! Hurry!
- Coming.
- Come on.
Here we are, darling.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, but where are we?
Where we can be alone, darling.
Wow! What a place to grow orchids.
Oh, darling, you look so tired.
Why don't we go upstairs
where you can take a nice nap?
Your voice sounds very familiar.
I think we met someplace before.
Here. Now, get to the nearest phone,
call the Secret Service,
- tell them where we are. Come on.
- Yes, sir.
This sure is a cosy place you have here.
This is our little nest.
You could breed locomotives
in this little nest.
- Are you all right?
- I'm all right.
Just get me a new liver, that's all.
Come on. We gotta get over here.
Come, darling. Let's go upstairs.
Come on.
Come, come. Come on.
Oh, boy!
Come on.
Come on.
Here we are.
Oh, you look so tired.
Let me help you with this.
You need some rest.
And by the way, what are you keeping
that mask on for, Miss Bat Lady?
Mystery lends enchantment.
Well, if I want mystery, I watch "Dragnet".
First we'll have a drink, darling.
Here, sit down. I'll be right back.
I'll have celery tonic on the rocks.
This will do it.
To us, darling.
To our troubles.
May they never be little ones.
Are you wearing that mask
because there's something wrong
with your nose, possibly?
There's nothing wrong with my lips.
- There's something wrong.
- What?
Well, when Bessie kisses me,
the tops of my shoes pop open.
- Would you mind if I tried again?
- No.
Thank you.
I'm sorry. Bessie's the one. Sorry.
Well, then I wish you all the luck.
Here is to Bessie.
I'll drink to that. And you're a good loser,
I don't mind telling you.
A real good loser.
To Bessie Sparrowbush.
Well, thank you very much for the drink.
- It was wonderful.
- You're welcome.
- Good night.
- Night.
He's dreaming.
Goosey Goosey, 221.
Freddie Freddie, 711.
Goosey Goosey, Freddie Freddie.
What's this "Goosey Goosey,
Freddie Freddie"?
Goosey Goosey lives
at 221 Appleseed Avenue,
on the corner of Prune Street,
and Freddie Freddie lives
at 711 Cornfield Place
between Succotash Street
and Corn Pone Place.
Eugene, wake up! Eugie, wake up!
You're sleepy. So sleepy.
- Oh, sleepy.
- They're in the garden. Hurry up.
He's up there.
Zuba comes after Vincent.
She sinks her teeth
into his goose feathers.
"What is the formula?" she asks.
She's hurting Vincent's mousetrap.
He has to tell. He has to tell.
- The secret formula is...
- Kangaroo Patrol!
Kangaroo Patrol! Kangaroo Patrol!
Ivan! Kurt! Otto! They're up here.
Sorry, we don't need any.
Don't shoot.
Remember, we need his dream.
Where did they go?
They took him away.
He was yelling "kangaroo".
Spread out. Find them.
They're up here. Hurry!
Help! Get me out of here!
Oh, Eugene! Eugene!
Eugene, Eugene, Eugene.
Eugene, please, wake up.
There goes the Sagittarius.
Very good.
Come on. We'll just make it.
When you pretend
The world is gonna shine
Gee whiz!
And things turn out just fine
She's his
You're mine
There always comes a time
For wedding bells to chime
That's true, my friend
For life is filled with happy endings
When you pretend