As We Know It (2023) Movie Script

What started out as a soy milk recall one week ago
has ballooned
into a full-scale outbreak
across the greater
Los Angeles area.
The CDC has now confirmed
a link between the outbreak
and a deadly contamination
at the Agnes Brand Milk Factory
in San Bernardino.
This quiet,
upscale Hollywood neighborhood
where soy milk flows like water has become
the epicenter
of this unfortunate crisis.
Since the outbreak,
several Angelenos have become
infected with the Agnes virus,
while others have
sought refuge indoors.
Pardon me, sir.
Ted Sommers, Channel 11 News.
How are you doing?
Are you okay?
Oh, shit. Channel 11 News.
Love you guys. Love your work.
Do you feel safe out here
riding your bike
on these streets alone?
No, Ted.
This is a fucking BMX bike,
so I'm not afraid.
But I-- I gotta go check
on my boy,
-so I'll catch you later.
-Wait, sir.
Can I trouble you
for just a few more questions?
I really gotta check
on my boy, Ted.
Understood. Be safe.
This is Ted Sommers
in the Hollywood Hills.
-Back to you, Sissy.
Open up!
-It's Bruce!
At first I was afraid,
I was petrified
I kept thinking I could never
live without you by my side
But then I spent so many
nights just thinking how
You'd done me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to get along
And so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in
to find you here without that
Look upon your face
I should have changed
my fucking lock
I would have made you
leave your key
If I'd have known
for just one second
You'd be back to bother me
Oh, now go walk out the door
Just turn around
Now you're not
welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried
to break me with desire?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down
and die?
Oh, not I
I will survive
Yeah, as long as I know how
to love, I know I'll be alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Hey, hey
You need to check on your homie.
Hey, Miss Jones.
I think it's something with--
with Emily. I--
Yeah, I don't know, Miss Jones.
Why don't you just call me
Okay, Beverly.
You know, you should probably get out of town with everything.
What, what?
I said you should probably get
out of town with everything
that's going on, you know,
while you still can.
Are you kidding me?
Shoot, I've got that cable TV man coming today.
Well, I-- I guess
you could just like,
I don't know, reschedule?
No, fuck no.
That flip-flop-wearing
he kept me on hold
for three and a half hours.
And then you know what he did
when he came back?
-No, what'd he do?
-He hung up on me.
-Oh, I hate that.
-Uh-huh, yeah.
No, I ain't, I-- I am not
canceling that appointment.
No, I guess I wouldn't either.
You need to talk to your boy,
I think there's something
really, really wrong with him.
Beverly, thank you.
-I will.
You can call me "Bevy".
-Oh, Bevy.
-All right, bye-bye.
-BEVERLY: Okay, all right.
You thought you'd just drop by
and you expect me to be free
But now I'm saving
all my loving
For someone who's loving me
Oh, now go
-Dude, what the hell?
I've been trying to get a hold of you for days.
Sorry, I've been trying
to finish this new book
for my publisher, and I've got like writer's block.
It's been a whole thing.
I know what this is.
You're still depressed
about Emily, aren't you?
Yep, I fucking knew it.
Come on, man.
What's it been like six months
since you guys got divorced?
Five months and three days.
And we just broke up.
We didn't get divorced.
Whatever, okay?
We have bigger issues
to worry about,
like the fucking world ending.
-What are you talking about?
You're joking right now.
You don't know about
the virus in L.A.
that's mutating people's DNA?
A virus?
How is it mutating DNA?
What do I look like,
a fucking scientist?
All I know
is people all across L.A.
are turning into zombies after
drinking this soy milk,
like straight-up
flesh-eating zombies.
You're serious right now?
Dead serious.
Some symptoms, I'm told,
include headache, diarrhea,
runny nose, vomiting.
And it's happening,
because of soy milk.
Well, not just any soy milk.
Agnes Brand Soy Milk,
which was my favorite,
so now I have like a whole new
set of problems for me personally.
Like I tried putting regular
milk on my cereal,
and I started shitting
my fucking brains out.
I'm lactose intolerant.
Who knew?
Okay, yes, very good.
You had me going.
That was, uh,
that was well done.
Very, very imaginative.
Very funny.
What are you laughing at?
You went too far with that
I'm lactose intolerant
now thing.
-Still, very funny. No notes.
James, this is not a fucking joke.
Oh, oh, oh, dear mother of God.
Um, okay, we are witnessing
an attack here.
Are you getting this, Rick?
Um, it appears that a jogger
is being attacked by a gardener,
I think. Um...
-That guy is being eaten.
And it looks like they might be heading our way,
so we're going to sign off here.
Get me, get me, get me.
Ted Sommers signing off
from the Hollywood Hills.
-Oh, fuck.
Ain't your normal Tuesday,
is it?
What's now being described
as the Agnes virus
has deeply impacted
Los Angeles residents.
In response to the allegations,
the Agnes Milk Company has
recalled 5,000 quarts
of their well-known beverage.
Dude, you mean to tell me the
entire time you've been
holed up here,
you haven't once
turned on the news?
The news?
Yes, James, the news.
It's something you watch
on TV that isn't Star Wars
or Blade Runner.
Right, right, okay,
thank you, Bruce.
-I know what the news is.
-That's great.
I'm very happy for you.
So what the fuck
have you been doing?
Honestly, I've just been keeping
super, super busy.
Busy doing what?
Watching Star Wars
and Blade Runner.
-And also THX.
And The Postman.
In fact, I was actually just
about to put Waterworld on,
if you want to watch that.
James, we do not have time
to watch Waterworld right now.
We need to get the hell
out of here.
Away from the zombies
to a place with clean milk.
And I hear that Seattle has
great milk alternatives,
like carob milk and hemp milk.
Hemp milk?
How-- how does that even work?
How do you make that?
I don't know,
but it sounds fucking bomb.
Here, drink this.
Uh, what is it?
That, my friend,
is a prairie oyster.
James Bond drinks them.
It'll cure your hangover.
What's in this?
Just drink it, okay? Will you?
Please, we have
to get the hell out of here.
If we don't leave soon,
we may never make it out of L.A.
I'm just not so sure I want
to make it out of L.A.
Like I-- I'm really behind
on my novel
and I feel like I'd rather just
stay here and work on it.
James, you're not gonna
finish your book if you're dead.
Don't be stupid.
Besides, you're never gonna
write anything as good
as that one you did about
trains and...
-Trains in Space.
-Yes, that one.
That was good. That was so good, I almost finished it.
Oh my God.
High praise, Bruce.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Bottoms up.
-Oh shit, dude.
You have a bottled
Agnes Soy Milk in here.
Okay. Oh, that's the bad one.
Yes, that's the bad one.
-JAMES: Whoa.
-I'm not touching that thing.
Yeah, I mean, just leave it.
(SIGHS) Well, I guess
we are sort of leaving.
Okay, so quick Waterworld,
then we'll get out of here?
No, dude, we got to go.
Come on.
She hasn't called.
Because it's over.
Forget her. She's history.
Put these on.
I just feel like
I should call her, right?
Like just make sure
everything's okay.
I-- I feel like I should.
No, dude. No.
I totally disagree.
Okay, Emily is a smart girl. She'll be fine.
And-- and even if she isn't,
who cares?
Move on.
Zei gezunt, as
my Uncle Bernie would say.
Seattle has everything.
You will find a new Emily
in Seattle, I promise.
Yeah, I'm just gonna call her. I'm just gonna
-make a quick call.
-No, dude. Do not call her.
Come on, man. I'm trying
to save your life right now,
and you're literally fucking
killing me here.
What is that?
No, this-- this is just a box.
It doesn't look like just a box.
-It's my Emily memory box.
-You're what?
It's an Emily memory box.
It's not weird.
-Oh, dude. That's disgusting.
-No, no, no.
We need to throw that out now.
We do not need
to throw it out.
This is essential stuff.
I can't just part with this.
Is that what I think it is?
Is that a Seal CD?
Wow. I guess I never took Emily as a Seal fan.
You know, you really shouldn't
make assumptions.
-What if it's my Seal CD?
-Oh, that's your Seal CD. Right.
-Yeah, yeah, it is.
I guess I didn't think
about that.
Name one Seal song, dude.
-Fine. That's like--
-No, that's easy.
-Fine. Cool. Do it.
The Batman Forever theme.
-Fuck. That is one.
-That counts.
-You gotta count that.
-You got it, you said it.
So, I guess end of conversation.
Don't even-- Don't you dare!
-No. No, don't do that.
-Give me that.
-No, dude.
We are burning this thing
right now.
-We are not burning that.
-Yes, we are.
-No, we are not.
-We are burning it.
Yes, because you need to move on with your life.
No, I'm not gonna burn this.
No. No.
Okay. Okay.
Won't burn it. We'll bury it.
It'll be the worst time capsule
in history of humankind.
You're right. Okay.
I'll get rid of it.
I just, I have to do it
on my own. Okay?
But I'll do it. I promise.
Pinky swear?
Pinky swear.
Alright, dude.
We gotta get the fuck out
of here or we're gonna die.
So, let's uh, pack our shit.
Let's go. First thing I'm doing is getting you
a Seattle flannel.
-JAMES: Nice.
-You ready for this?
-Oh, yeah.
-Let's do it, man.
Ooh, wait.
What now, man?
Who's gonna take care
of Charles?
(SIGHS) Let's do it, man.
but your goldfish might not
survive the zombie apocalypse.
Emily won him for me
at the Malibu Chili Cook-Off.
Right. Right. That's cool.
But still, we're not bringing
a goldfish with us.
It'll get everything wet.
There'll be water everywhere.
Oh. No, dude.
You-- you don't get it.
It's not just about Charles. It's this whole place.
(SIGHS) I mean, this house, man.
Like I've made
so many great memories here.
I've had all my greatest successes and failures here.
What, I'm just gonna leave it
all behind?
Yeah. Otherwise,
you're gonna die in it.
-Yeah, well,
maybe that wouldn't be
the worst thing.
Jesus Christ, James.
Listen to yourself.
All right?
I rode all the way here on
my BMX bike, because--
You don't have a car.
Yes, but also because
you're my best friend.
And you're not really acting
like my best friend right now.
So you're acting
kind of selfish,
and crazy, and kind of dumb.
So will you
pull it together, man?
You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm being--
I'm being a bad friend.
-Yeah. A little bit.
-Should we like,
I don't know,
hug or something?
Yeah, I guess. If you want.
-All right.
-Yeah. No, that was weird.
-Didn't feel natural.
-Didn't feel right.
All right.
Yeah, let's uh-- let's go.
Yeah, let's do it.
All right. Cool.
Hey. See you, buddy.
You're a good fish.
Goodbye, old friend.
Oh my God, dude.
Car fucking stinks.
All right. Seatbelts on.
Dude, I cannot wait
to hit the open road.
Going fricking 90 miles an hour, no seatbelts on.
That's the downside
of a BMX bike.
You only go like, 30, 35 tops.
You're going 35 on a BMX?
Oh, hell yeah, dude.
Fuck, Eldridge Street,
Highland Park.
Well, wouldn't that be like
really embarrassing
if that's how I died,
during this whole thing,
-on my bike?
-Yeah, I mean,
you really should be more
careful on that thing.
Are you serious? What are you--
what are you, my mother?
Well, need I remind you about
Johnny Willis?
Oh my God.
You're really going
to bring up that fucking loser
-right now?
-Yes, I am bringing him up,
because when Johnny rode away
from school that one day,
he had no idea what was gonna
happen to him.
And what happened to him, Bruce?
(SIGHS) Lost his nuts.
-JAMES: He what?
-He lost his nuts.
He lost his nuts.
And how did he lose his nuts?
Can you--
can you just fucking drive?
No, I'm not gonna go.
I need to hear you say it.
He flipped over
the side of his bike
and got his nuts caught
in the chain.
-Are you happy?
-That's right.
And you want
to be like Johnny Willis?
Yeah, I want to end up
like Johnny Willis.
You want to have no nuts?
You want to have Styrofoam nuts?
Okay, no, I guess not.
Can you just fucking drive?
Okay, all right, all right,
I needed to hear you say it.
-Thank you.
-Good. You're happy? Drive.
-Huh, that's weird.
-What? What's going on now?
It says I'm empty.
There's a hose coming out of
my gas tank.
What? Oh, fuck!
Someone probably
siphoned the gas.
Why would someone do that?
'Cause gas is like $2 a gallon right now,
and everybody
and their mother's trying
to get out of town.
All right, well, dang.
I guess we have
to stay here after all.
No, no, we--
we just got to think
of a better option.
there's got to be something.
Okay, I got-- I got an idea.
Here's what we're gonna do.
We ride my bike
to the nearest station.
You could sit on the handlebars.
Want me to sit
on your handlebars?
-BRUCE: Yes.
-What, 10 years old?
No, I'm not doing that.
Dude, you're gonna really
make me ride by myself?
You were fine coming here.
You'll be fine going there.
Holy shit!
You sure about that?
Okay, maybe you won't be fine.
Uh, is that guy blind?
He is.
I mean, he can't even see us.
I mean, it's a seeing-eye dog. Isn't that their whole job?
Yeah, but the dog's
not a zombie.
I don't know how scared
we should be.
Okay, change of plans.
I think you're right.
-We should go back inside.
-Yeah, okay.
On the count of three. One...
-Why do we count, just run.
-Yep, yep, yep.
Go, go!
Go, go, go, go!
Oh my God, dude. I've not moved that fast in so long.
I know.
I'm burning up right now.
I'm so out of shape, dude.
God, do-- do you think
that's gonna hold?
-JAMES: Yeah.
I have no idea.
No, I don't know either.
I'm just totally out of
my depth right now.
I have no idea.
Completely flying by the seat
of my fucking pants right now.
If Dawn of the Dead
or Night of the Living Dead
or any of the deads
have taught me anything,
it's that if you want
to stay alive,
you have to stay put.
Now that Seattle's out
of the question,
I think you're right.
Damn it!
Maybe they come up with a cure?
Yeah, maybe. Or...
maybe they just hit the big
red button on us.
You think they'd really do that?
That's what I would do.
It's dark.
I'm really dark, dude.
-It's only right.
Okay, but I say we gotta--
let's rest for...
-Like an hour?
-About an hour.
Bro, with all that gelt
you made on your last book deal,
couldn't you have gotten like
a newer TV?
I-- I could have,
but I hate change, so...
Well, dude!
Oh! Oh! Mm!
Wow, that is--
That's a lot of brownies.
One, you can never have
enough pot brownies.
And two,
you can never have enough
pot brownies.
Ah, yeah.
Who knew how essential
home video would be
in a time like this?
I did.
Wait, wait, pause it. Pause it.
What? What?
The run time is two hours
and 15 minutes.
-Mm-hmm, yeah, it's perfect.
-Could be longer.
Yeah, I can stand it
to be a little longer.
-Me too.
-How much longer?
Maybe, like...
-Nine hours?
-That would be cool.
Yeah, that's what
I was thinking, too.
But these chips aren't gonna
last us half this movie.
Okay, so what are you saying?
No restaurants are gonna be
open right now,
and even if one of them was,
no-- no one's gonna deliver.
Dude, in this economy,
there's always something open
and always someone to deliver.
Yellow pages, please.
Okay, yeah, it's over there.
-Give me a nudge, please.
-Oh my God, you got this, dude.
-There it is.
-It's right here.
So we're gonna agree
on a good place, then?
-That's the idea.
-Okay, great.
Here's one right here.
It's open 24 hours.
It's a wings and kebab joint.
Yeah, but wings and kebab.
I mean, we can do better.
Dude, we're in
a zombie apocalypse right now.
We cannot afford
to be picky here.
You just said that
we were gonna agree.
You know, fine, just call 'em.
I don't care. Just call 'em.
-Call 'em?
-Yes, that's the one.
All right, here it is.
Whoa, that's cool.
They got 'em all.
Abracadabra, this is Nancy.
How may I help you?
Wait, you guys are open? Sick!
we're the only idiots
open during a zombie apocalypse.
Okay, fine, fine.
Um, so, uh, what's up?
You guys still deliver?
Uh-huh. Yeah, we are.
What can I get you?
Uh, question.
Do you guys do the wings
without the kebabs
or is it like,
a package deal sitch?
Great question.
You can order wings, whatever tickles your fancy, sweetheart.
Uh, let's do, uh, 50-piece?
-NANCY: 50-piece.
We're gonna be here
for a while.
We better make that a 100.
-NANCY: 100-piece--
-Oh, lots of ranch.
Lots of ranch.
Extra ranch, got it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you, uh--
Where's all this going, sweety?
Oh, you need my address?
Right. Uh, uh--
If you want the food,
I need the address.
-What is it?
6-1-8-6 Wildfire Lane.
Okay, give us about an hour.
-Hell yeah.
-Okay. All right.
Dude, there's never been
a great movie
without Jeanne Tripplehorn.
No, if you want a hit,
you gotta have her in it.
You know, I've probably seen
this movie 500 times
since it came out,
and I'm just gonna say it.
This one's gonna stand
the test of time.
The greatest movie of all time.
It gets better
every single time.
A lot of people say that
Costner's best work
is Field of Dreams
or Dances with the Wolves--
Hmm, uh-huh.
Or what's the other one?
I know that. I knew that.
Yeah, well,
it's Dances with Wolves.
-BRUCE: That's what I said.
-You said Dances with Wolves
-and then you said The Wolves.
-BRUCE: Whatever, dude.
Look, I'm just
trying to tell you.
I'm just saying I--
If you're a real Costner head,
then you gotta know the names.
Of course I know Costner,
but this movie right here
is the peak Costner.
-This is it for me.
Yeah, I completely agree
with you, 100%.
I mean, this is
who Kevin Costner really is.
-In real life.
-Yeah, it's basically,
as-- as far as I understand it,
this is all true.
100% true story.
This is a biography about
Kevin Costner.
Do you think if they do hit
the big red button that
it'll be like Terminator?
Dude, you mean like
in Sarah Connor's nightmare
when her flesh gets blasted off
her skeleton?
I hope not. That scene scared
the shit out of me.
No, it was the worst thing
I've ever seen.
Is the food here already?
Okay, dude, you stay put.
-I'm gonna get this.
-Wow, what a nice guy.
My treat. I mean, not like--
Oh, yeah, you probably--
do you need money?
Dude, I haven't had a job
in like ever.
-Of course, I need cash.
-Oh, yeah, yeah,
I don't know why I asked that.
-Uh, there you go.
-Give me, give me, give me.
No, no, I gave you too much.
No, that's good.
That should be good.
-Are you-- all right.
-BRUCE: Yeah.
Well, look who it is.
-Hi, Bruce.
I wasn't expecting
to see you here.
Yeah, well, that makes
two of us.
What do you want?
I just stopped to talk to James. Is he here?
James, James, do I know--
Oh, right, James.
Yeah, no, unfortunately,
James is no longer with us.
Did something happen?
-Did he--
-JAMES: Everything good?
Yeah, dude. Chicken wings, coming right up.
Chicken wings?
Yeah, chicken wings.
All right, Emily, you got me.
James is alive.
He's in the other room.
But I just-- I don't think now
is a good time, you know?
-The breakup was one thing--
-Shut up, Bruce. I'm coming in.
All right, yeah,
just come right in.
I don't hardly know her
But I think I could love her
Crimson and clover
-Uh, you wanna have a seat?
I know this probably
isn't good timing,
but I'm about to leave town
with my girlfriends.
I guess I wanted
to make sure you're okay.
I'm not trying to get back together
-or anything.
I just wanted to say bye.
You know,
in case anything happens.
Yeah, I wanted
to call you this morning
for the same reason.
The Easter Roses,
giving my goodbye
Wait, so where are
you ladies headed?
We're going to Seattle.
No shit!
That-- that's where
we were supposed to go.
Yeah, it seems like
everyone's going there.
-I guess it's the place to be.
-We already be on our way,
but we're having
a little car trouble.
Someone sucked the gas straight out of James' tank,
so now we're stuck here,
hoping not to die.
But wait a sec, wait a sec.
James, what if--
what if we went with them
to Seattle, hmm?
Oh, I-- I don't know.
I wouldn't want to impose.
I mean, is there even any room for us?
It would be tight,
but I guess I could ask
my friends.
One of them could totally sit
on my lap if that helps.
What? Just saying.
Oh, shit!
-Oh my God.
-Oh my God.
That's not good.
Oh my God.
-We need to do something.
-BRUCE: Oh man.
They just came out of nowhere.
-We gotta help them.
-JAMES: Oh my God.
I'm not doing anything.
They're gone,
they're already gone.
-BRUCE: They can drive?
-JAMES: Apparently.
I had all these plans
for when we got to Seattle.
I was gonna start
an animal rescue.
Tasha was gonna start a band
and get signed by Sub-Pop.
Sam wanted to open a cafe
for computers where you could
surf the web.
That would have been
really cool.
I feel like this is
all my fault.
I'm so stupid.
I should have never asked
to stop at my ex-boyfriend's.
-So dumb.
-No, no, don't blame yourself.
I would have done the exact
same thing in your position.
So, you were close?
Yeah, they were my best friends.
Look, I don't know
if this helps, but,
I have known some people
who have died before.
Not in the same way, of course.
More of natural causes.
But I know how it feels.
It feels bad.
Yeah, Bruce, I don't really think that's helping.
Don't you want to know how I got through the bad times?
How did you get through
the bad times?
I'm glad you asked.
I usually put on
the feel-good instant classic
and you're in luck,
because it's queued up right now
and we're actually
halfway through.
Didn't this movie suck
like a lot?
I'm not even gonna
respond to that.
we try to not talk
about the reviews of Waterworld,
because we actually think
it's really good and--
and we're not ashamed of that.
Not ashamed.
Thanks, but I'm just not really
in the mood right now, so.
Or ever.
So you want to start it
from the beginning?
How is that?
Like-- that's not at all.
-Can we talk in private?
-Yeah, of course.
Oh, oh, I get it.
You guys want me to leave.
We'd like to be alone.
If anyone needs me, I'll be in
my own private Waterworld.
That means the toilet.
-Yep, we got it.
-We got it.
Sorry about Bruce.
I mean, he's just not um, good at stuff like that.
Or anything in general,
but you keep him around.
Well, look, I--
are you gonna be okay?
I need to process it.
That was probably the most
horrific thing I've ever seen.
Yeah. It's like a bad dream
in real life.
Yeah, it's so scary.
It's like we're all just
fighting to survive right now.
What do I do?
Where should I go?
Well, I think
you should stay here.
I mean, until things are safer.
-EMILY: You sure?
-JAMES: Yeah.
Thanks, James.
Hi, I'm James, and I'm a writer.
Let's see what you got here.
Pinky swear my ass.
Much better.
So, how have you been?
Since, you know, we broke up.
Yeah, yeah, I've been--
I've been really good actually.
Um, really clear-headed.
And just productive.
That's good to hear.
-I'm glad.
-Yeah, yeah.
How have you--
how have you been?
Okay, I guess.
Depending on the day
of the week.
In some ways, I'm still healing.
What-- is that surprising?
I mean, look, I know that this
is a pretty fucked-up situation,
but I'm like really happy
we're talking again.
I guess this is the first time
since things ended, huh?
Yeah. I never even got to apologize.
Apologize for what?
For everything.
Care to be more specific?
Yeah, I mean I'm just sorry for
everything that you think
I did wrong.
Everything I think
you did wrong.
You were completely missing
in action from our relationship.
Okay, look, I have spent
some time reflecting--
-On our relationship,
and look, I--
I realize that you're the best
thing that ever happened to me.
I'd want things
to be completely different.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, different how?
To start, I'd like us
to be more honest.
Great. Yeah, me too. Me too.
Honesty is great.
I love honesty.
-EMILY: Okay.
Well, then how did you
honestly feel after we broke up?
-How have you been?
-Very, very, very, very bad.
I've been-- yeah,
it's been rough.
I knew it.
How bad?
Really bad.
Um, drinking quite a bit.
Um, just a little bit more than
excessively, I would say.
And listening to quite a bit
of Yacht Rock.
-EMILY: Oof.
-Yeah, I know.
Somehow I've become like kindred
with Michael Bolton,
and it doesn't even feel bad
or weird.
-JAMES: Yeah.
Yes! Chicken wings!
-Were you just right there?
All right, let's please try
to make this quick.
Okay, I'm not gonna die
for some wings.
All right, all right.
I got this.
We'll be fine.
-Yo, dude, come on in.
-All right, pal.
Oh my God.
It's fucking crazy out there.
-Holy fucking shit.
-Holy fucking shit.
-RORY: Bruce!
-Woo! Oh my God.
-How long has it been?
-Like five years?
-At least.
You look uh, good.
You still look like shit.
Funny guy.
This is James.
How you doing, pal?
Make yourself at home, man.
-Mi casa, su casa.
-Thanks, pal.
Here, let me help you out.
Oh, here, you want to take it?
Wingy, wingy. Yeah!
Come on in. Chicken wings.
Fucking A.
So, uh, how do you guys
know each other?
Oh my God, dude.
Me and Roarster here,
we go way back.
We were sandwich artists
Bruce, don't
shortchange yourself.
You're much more
than a sandwich artist.
Sandwich fucking legend,
this guy.
Fuck off.
Oh, I'm telling you,
people talked about you
for years after you left.
They're probably still
yacking about you.
And this was at Subway?
Yeah, dude.
You better see this guy
in the kitchen.
He was doing stuff
with sandwiches that
weren't even on the menu.
Had his own fucking secret menu.
Julia Child meets
Jackson Pollock.
Totally experimental shit.
Blew my mind.
I was just messing around,
you know, having a good time,
that's all.
What are you up to these days? You a chef?
You reinvent food?
No, but I did go
to culinary school actually.
-I like to hear.
I dropped out, though.
But it's cool, you know,
because I um-- I'm living off
of Israel bonds
and unemployment now.
Looks like
it worked out for you.
I mean, you're living
fucking lavish over here.
Place is straight class,
let me tell you.
Right, yeah, but this actually isn't my place.
This is James' house.
He's a novelist.
Mm, mm-hmm.
It's uh-- you did the book,
Space, uh, trains, trains.
Trains in Space.
Trains in Space,
that's what I said.
That was you, huh?
That was sick.
I saw it in the library.
No shot I was reading it,
but fucking A, dude.
Oh, you're too kind.
Thank you.
Oh, dude, how much I owe you?
Uh, $32.50.
There's 40 right there. Boom.
Thank you.
Always got
to check with this fucker.
Yeah, you never know.
Dude, didn't you like
fuck my sister?
Listen, nobody knows nothing.
Rory, my man.
We got to--
we got to hang out again.
why don't you just stick around?
We got Waterworld, wings.
I wish I could.
I still have some deliveries,
Oh, dang. All right, well,
I guess he's got to head out.
Come on, man.
You're gonna risk your life
for Abracadabra?
-You're better than this, man.
-What about your friends?
-Yeah, you know what?
For once, you're right.
Fuck Abracadabra
and the kebab wands.
Yeah, fuck 'em.
Hey, Emily!
The last few days
have been wild. Get this.
Yesterday, I had to deliver
to an orgy.
No shit.
Yeah, I show up
to this huge mansion,
all different walks of life,
everybody's naked.
The host,
this guy named Russell,
had the longest fucking balls
I've ever seen.
They were like down
to his ankles.
I love that. Love that.
What I'm more curious about is
how you've managed
to stay alive this whole time.
It hasn't been easy.
I've almost been bitten
like 10 times already.
I mean, don't get me wrong,
obviously, it's a dangerous job,
but the tips
have been incredible.
We all know how expensive rent in L.A. can be.
-Tell me about it.
-Plus, there's everything else.
You got gas, bills, food.
Speaking of food, Rory,
what are you waiting for?
-Dig in.
-Nah, nah, nah.
I don't touch that stuff
no more.
I'm a vegetarian.
You a vegetarian? No, come on.
Yeah, for the last three months.
Look, we used
to call this guy "Meatball Rory"
'cause he ate meatball subs
for breakfast, lunch,
-and dinner.
-Those days are way behind me.
I'm Tofu Rory.
Come on, man.
What's it been like, 90 days?
You're still
in the probationary period.
You can eat meat.
You-- you don't have to eat it
if you don't want to.
Come on.
you drove all the way out here.
You're not gonna eat with me?
Your boy Bruce?
Have one wing, one.
Bruce, don't make him do it.
You know what, fuck it,
the world's ending anyway,
I'll get one of these things.
Oh man.
-I missed this.
-Welcome back, buddy.
Got a little kick to it, too,
Actually pretty spicy.
Dip it in some ranch,
that'll cool it off.
Ranch? Didn't I give you guys
blue cheese?
No, no one delivered
blue cheese. That was you.
This fucking guy Marco's been
messing up the order all week.
I guess I'll fucking suffer
with the ranch.
There he is, come on.
(LAUGHS) Look at this guy.
Reminds me of one
of them zombies out there,
So you two married or what?
No, we're not even a couple.
Well, uh,
we're a work in progress.
Kind of like
every couple I know.
That's why my grandma wonders
why I'm not getting laid.
No one else is wondering that.
Fuck me.
I should not have eaten
that wing.
Already not sitting
too well with me.
-Ah, God.
Don't tell me it's like that
time you got back from TJ
with Montezuma's Revenge.
I'm telling you,
if that's the case,
we're all in trouble.
You guys got a bedroom near
Yeah, yeah, it's right out there
down the hall.
In fact, Bruce,
why don't you show him?
Yeah, I'll show him.
Hey, man. I just want to thank you for your words
of encouragement earlier.
I really appreciate that.
You know,
I've always thought about
-getting back in the kitchen. -You should totally do it, bro.
Yeah, it's just the pressure,
you know?
It's like I got a whole bunch
of new ideas I want to try.
Like ostrich liver.
That shit
is fucking unbelievable.
You slice it up real thin,
and then you saut it
in salted butter.
Where's that fucking bed?
Oh, it's right over here
to the right.
Oh, fucking A.
You have a little something
on your face.
Oh, where?
I can get it.
Thank you. Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
Thank you.
Am I crazy or is there some flirting happening right now?
You're crazy.
We're just not fighting
at the moment.
Okay, 'cause it feels like
things are going swimmingly,
You're an idiot.
Mm-hmm. Okay, all right.
-It's your turn.
-My turn for what?
The new honesty thing.
I was honest with you earlier,
so now it's my turn.
I'm game.
What do you want to know?
Okay, what is your beef
with Bruce?
What do you mean?
Come on.
There's something there.
Like the entire time
we were together,
it seemed like there was a--
I don't know, a tension.
And I mean, sometimes it even seemed like you hate him.
I don't hate Bruce.
We're just two
very different people.
-It's awkward with us.
But we're very different
people, too.
I-- I just-- I don't know what the difference is.
Like what--
like why is it awkward?
I don't know, James.
I don't know.
I feel like you do
and you should just say it.
I just want to know.
I got to know.
Okay, there's this one thing
I probably should have
already admitted to you,
but I haven't yet.
So, here I go.
-this is so embarrassing.
-It's fine.
I just-- I got to know.
Okay, before you and I
were dating,
Bruce and I,
this is so stupid,
we had a fling.
It was a small fling.
It didn't mean anything.
A fling? Um, I'm sorry,
with you and Bruce?
Bruce, my best friend.
Bruce, the guy walking around
my house right now.
Unfortunately, yes.
Son of a bitch.
-James, wait.
Fuck, I'm burning up here.
Fucking Christ, my eyes are...
-JAMES: Bruce!
-What? I'm making a drink.
I don't care. Tell me what happened between you and Emily
before we were together.
-BRUCE: What?
Oh my God, you told him?
I had to.
What the fuck
is happening to me?
Tell me everything right now.
Okay, it's not a big deal.
basically nothing happened.
If nothing happened, we wouldn't be having
-this conversation right now.
-I'll just say it,
there was definitely
some hand stuff.
Hand stuff?
-Hand stuff?
Okay, there might have been
some hand stuff,
but I swear to God,
James, we did not have sex.
It's true.
I mean, we probably would have,
but nothing ever happened,
You don't have to go there,
-She doesn't--
-No, yes, you do.
Tell me why right now.
Because Bruce got very excited
by the hand stuff, that's why.
Oh my God, okay.
Is that everything?
Then Bruce made me a sandwich
and we shared it.
Ch-- a sandwich?
Did you wash your hands first?
Yes, I washed my hands.
I swear I washed my hands.
I feel sick right now.
Yeah, how do you think I feel?
I don't feel so hot myself.
What is he still doing here?
I'm sorry, are you wearing
my bathrobe?
Did you just take a shower?
I'm sweating
my fucking balls off, bro.
Is it hot in here or is it me?
-EMILY: Oh God!
-JAMES: Oh, holy shit!
-Oh my God.
-Oh, wow.
Is he infected?
I think it's just
food poisoning.
That doesn't look like
food poisoning.
Okay, relax, maybe he just
you know, had
an allergic reaction
to their hot wings, that's all.
Do you have allergies, Rory?
I'm allergic to cats.
I don't have a cat.
That is not
an allergic reaction.
Okay, you know what, Rory?
Remember when you said that you
almost got bit like 10 times?
-Did you maybe get bit?
-Nah, I just--
That looks like
a bite mark to me.
Nah, I just got that
at the orgy.
Okay, Rory, I'm gonna ask you
a question here
and as crazy as this may sound,
I need you to be honest, okay?
Yeah, the fuck you need.
Did you...
Did you have sex with a zombie?
-JAMES: Oh, shit!
-EMILY: Oh my God!
-Fuck, is that blood?
Thanks, Bill.
We have a warning about
our next story.
James, I just wanna say
I'm sorry, we need to talk.
Shut the fuck up,
he's going to hear you.
You're right, you're right,
we'll talk later.
Shut it!
Shut the door!
Oh, oh, that's Rory,
he looks so terrible.
-BRUCE: Damn.
-JAMES: Jesus Christ.
I can't believe I used
to be friends with him.
He fucked a zombie.
Oh God, that's the worst STD
I've ever seen.
And I thought herpes was bad.
-Where's he going?
-JAMES: There he goes.
Great. Oh, wait. Charles.
Oh, shit, dude.
-No, he's gonna eat my fish.
-No, Charles.
Don't do it, Rory.
-JAMES: Charles.
-BRUCE: I'm sorry, dude.
No, this bitch has to die.
-BRUCE: James no, James, stop!
Jesus Christ, I don't care,
I don't care.
Oh, he's coming back.
I don't think he knows
how to get out.
No, he-- I think we're--
I think we're safe out here.
Yeah, yeah, no, it's perfect. This is great.
We got the zombie locked inside,
and then we're locked outside
where all the zombies are.
It's great.
Yeah, another zombie could
show up any moment.
I honestly hope one does.
I would love
to just fucking die right now.
In fact, zombies!
Come and fucking eat me!
Hey! James, I know you're angry right now about the hookup,
but can you just put that
on the back burner for a second?
Ew, the hookup.
Yeah, dude, come on.
Don't you want to survive here?
Just think about it.
What would they do
in the zombie movies?
I've never seen a zombie movie
where my best friend
tries to bang my girlfriend.
Okay, what is this, 1985?
I didn't try
to bang your girlfriend,
and she wasn't even
your girlfriend then.
Shut up, okay?
I think I have an idea.
One of you needs to open the door, get him out here,
distract him,
and then spray him with a hose.
I'll grab that plant,
smash him over the head,
and that should give us enough
time to get back inside.
That could work.
Yeah, totally.
You're the distractor, though.
What? Why-- why am I the distractor?
Oh, I guess just because
this is all your fault.
You came to my house,
you made us get hot wings,
you invited Rory Gabagool
into my home.
Okay, those are
all valid points.
I'll be the distractor.
Thank you.
Fucking go!
Oh my God! I can't believe
it actually worked!
We did it! That was awesome!
Up high.
-No five?
-No, no five.
Now that things are back
to normal,
I'd like
to be left the fuck alone.
All this shit going on
in the world,
why would you even think about
telling James what happened?
Because it was one of the problems of our relationship.
We were never honest
with each other.
Relationships require honesty.
Oh my God, are you kidding me?
James is my best friend
and I was ready to take that
to the grave.
Look, I wasn't happy
about it either.
It's embarrassing.
Okay, you don't have
to rub it in.
-That's not what I meant.
-You know what?
A girl like you would never
in a million years
end up with a guy like me,
because I am a fuck-up.
I know it, James knows it,
and you know it.
I mean, you said it yourself.
I'm not really great at
anything in general.
You were spying on us?
That's super fucking creepy,
Yes, I was, and I didn't appreciate that comment.
Or the one you just made.
Jesus, learn to take a joke.
Oh, I'm sorry, I get it now.
Bruce sucks at life.
-Ha-ha, very funny.
-Look, Bruce,
the reason our fling was
embarrassing to me
was nothing
to do with who you are.
It's because we barely knew
each other at the time.
And honestly,
I didn't have a lot
of experience.
Well, you know, that makes
two of us,
because I didn't have a whole
lot of experience either.
I'm positive you had
at least more than I did.
No, no, I didn't, because--
Well, Emily, I...
I was a virgin.
You were a virgin?
Yes. Shh.
You don't need to say it
so loud.
I'm speaking at a normal volume.
Okay, well,
I guess it just sounds worse
when someone else says it.
I'm sorry. I...
I honestly, I really don't know how to react to that.
Well, I'll have you know,
I'm no longer a virgin.
I've done it numerous times.
-At least, 6, 7, 8--
-I got it.
-With multiple partners, so...
That's great. Bruce, I'm...
I'm genuinely happy for you.
Thanks, Emily.
That's actually the nicest
thing you've ever said to me.
-See what a relief this is?
We should have done this
years ago.
The problem was we just acted
like it never happened.
I know. I hated it.
It just festered like
an open wound.
And I was just jealous of you
and James.
You were jealous of us?
-I was jealous of you guys.
Oh my God, no, you were not.
About what?
You two could laugh about
anything, talk about anything.
James and I,
we were always just annoying,
and emotional,
and draining to the people who
cared about us most.
Well, you know,
if it makes you feel any better,
I don't think James wants to be
in a relationship with me either
right now.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
Oh, and if I get kicked out
of the house
and my penis gets
eaten by a zombie,
it's all your fault.
Okay, Bruce.
I'll work on it.
I told you to leave me alone.
-What are you doing?
-I'm finishing my book.
What's it about?
It's about a sad loser
who gets dumped.
I've been struggling
to finish it,
but I've recently had a burst
of inspiration.
"And then she dies suddenly,
terribly, and embarrassing."
Come on, James.
Don't be so immature.
It happened a long time ago.
I can't change that now.
You could have told me about it
in the five years that
we were together, though.
You're right.
I should have.
But I didn't.
I thought it would create
problems in our relationship.
-I guess it did anyway.
I'm sorry, James.
Would you have really preferred
me lying to you?
Emily, I don't really want
to talk to you right now, okay?
I, um, you broke my heart
and then you did it again.
And really, my only question
now is how many more times
can you possibly do it?
'Cause it's pretty fucking
shattered now.
Sounds like
you want me to leave.
Yeah, that would probably
be for the best.
Are you sure about that?
Yes, I am.
This was a bad idea.
I should have never come here
in the first place.
Yeah, I got a lot of work to do.
Yeah, you always did.
You know what?
You haven't changed one bit.
You're still a selfish
and insecure prick
and I can't believe I even
considered getting
back together with you.
Okay, is that all?
Have a nice life, James.
I'll talk to him.
I don't care anymore.
Goddamn it.
No, I don't want to fucking
talk to you either.
In fact, why don't you
go with her?
Right, you guys can go
have some fun
for old times' sake.
-Come on, man.
-Just go!
Look, just hear me out, okay?
You don't have to say anything.
I'm sorry about what happened
with me and Emily.
Okay, I should have told you.
I was wrong.
You have every right
to be pissed, okay?
I'd be pissed, too.
But what you're doing right now
might be the biggest mistake
you've ever made
in your entire life.
Dude, you saw what those monsters are capable of.
They'll-- they'll chew
your fucking nuts off.
You're really gonna let Emily-- you're gonna
let me wander out into
the streets alone to die?
You're that cold-hearted?
I just-- I don't get it, man.
We're the only two people
on this planet
who give a shit about you.
Sorry, if I'm coming off like
a dick, but it's the truth.
I just-- I don't care anymore.
That's not the James I know.
Then maybe you don't know me
as well as you think you do.
Or maybe you've just forgotten
who you really are.
What are you doing?
Reminding you that
is the girl you love.
And that,
that's the guy you love.
Platonically, of course.
-So, dude,
today could possibly be the end
of the fucking world.
You need to decide if you
and Emily are over and you want
to make peace, or...
if you want to get back together
and you want to win her back.
But this self-loathing bullshit
needs to stop.
What's it gonna be?
I don't know.
Just, why don't you tell me
how you two met?
What's that gonna solve?
Please, dude, tell me.
I want to know.
We were at the Cineplex Odeon.
It was a midnight screening
of THX
and we were
the only two people there.
The projector broke halfway
through and when the guy came
to fix it,
I went and sat next to her.
You know, introduced myself.
"Hey, I'm James,
a hungry novelist who loves
George Lucas and aspires
to be as influential."
She was an amateur photographer
who admired him just as much.
And she loved dogs.
And she was just--
She could really express
herself, you know?
Talked about who she was
and who she wanted to be.
She'd never read
any James Joyce,
but had read all Stephen King.
She loved the classic
Incredible Hulk with Bill Bixby
and Lou Ferrigno.
She thought Boba Fett died
like a chump.
She knew Empire was the best
Star Wars.
She liked Disneyland,
but only when it was raining.
That first night we talked
and talked through
the whole movie,
never even looking
at the screen.
And when it was over, we walked
and talked about anything
and everything.
And before we knew it, we were
in the middle of nowhere
and we didn't care.
We just turned around
and walked right back,
talking the whole way.
And that night I just...
I knew she was perfect.
That no one could compare
to her.
And that...
Holy shit!
I have to get her back.
That's your answer right there.
-Oh my God, Bruce.
-I know.
-I don't want to lose her.
-I know.
I've been a fucking asshole.
Complete, gaping,
stinky fucking asshole.
Jesus Christ, dude.
The imagery sometimes.
Let's go get
your girlfriend back.
(SIGHS) Let's do that.
Jesus Christ.
Goddamn it. Just go.
-Shut up.
Shit, man.
It's spooky out here.
I know.
I'm such a fucking idiot.
I hope she's okay.
Holy shit. Dude, look at the size of this thing. Dibs.
No, no, no, no, no.
-It's the maintenance guy's.
Dude, fuck the maintenance guy.
He's probably dead
for all we know.
That is a badass axe.
And we could kill some fucking
zombies with that thing.
Plus, God put that here
for a reason.
Okay, fine, but we have
to put it back when we're done.
-Fine, whatever.
-You got to remind me.
-Okay, I will.
Now let's go get
your girlfriend back.
-Let's go get her.
-Hey, James.
Remember when I told you I had slept with like,
hundreds of ladies?
That's true.
-Okay, it's not true.
Yeah, I know, Bruce.
But I have like
made sex with women before.
Yeah, typically,
when you have sex,
you're not the kind
of person who's ever made sex.
All right, then I won't talk
about sex anymore.
Let's just not talk about
anything for a little bit.
-That was Emily.
Holy shit, dude.
It's Miss Jones' place.
You mean Beverly?
What, no, Miss Jo--
Wait, when did you get
on first-name basis with her?
Since, like today. You're not?
No. Did something happen?
-What? Why'd you-- how'd you--
I don't care.
I don't care. I don't care.
I've always wondered
what it looked like back here.
I have not wondered that.
What the fuck?
She's a cop?
Not just a cop.
She's a fucking detective, dude.
Oh, dude.
Fresh donuts.
Dude, drop the donuts.
We gotta go.
-This is scary.
-Shut up.
What are you doing
on the ground?
I'm losing blood.
Oh, fuck, dude!
Oh, Je-- Jesus Christ.
Miss Jones!
Dude, is-- is that--
is that a clothing iron?
Maybe she was ironing
when she turned.
Yeah, well, she's fucking
death-gripping the thing.
Miss Jones, hi.
James here. How's it going?
-How are you doing?
-Dude, what are you doing?
-She can't fucking hear you.
-I should try.
She might be in there somewhere.
No, dude.
She's a fucking zombie.
She's gonna eat your fucking
face off.
You gotta--
Miss Jones!
Hello? Miss Jones.
See, dude, she's fucking gone.
-Just-- just kill her ass.
-Oh, God.
-I'm so sorry, but this is--
-You got this.
Okay, okay. I really like you.
And so you're back
from outer space
-Oh my God.
-You got it, buddy.
Okay, oh my gosh, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Oh, yeah, that's gotta hurt.
You're not welcome anymore
Ah, you took my move!
You think
I'd lay down and die?
Oh, no, not I
James, you're doing good, buddy.
I love it.
I've got all my life
to live
I've got all my love to give
You got this, man.
You can fucking do it.
Okay, okay.
Stop it.
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
No, stop.
Okay, now go back.
Oh yes.
Oh my God, really cool.
That was awesome.
Yeah, where the fuck were you?
-I was in the bathroom.
-I can't even understand.
Oh, are we gonna lift
this thing?
-JAMES: Yeah.
-BRUCE: Jesus.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, all right.
It's really fucking--
Let me just-- hold on,
You all right in there?
Fuck you.
This fucking bird.
-Yes, we're okay.
-BRUCE: Damn it.
We're okay.
Why are we bringing
this stupid fucking thing?
We can't leave it in there.
Come on, hurry.
Goddamn it.
The president has now declared
martial law in the city
of Los Angeles.
All residents are urged
to remain indoors
until further notice.
Any unauthorized individuals
found in the streets
will be treated
as a potential threat
to national security and will be
dealt with accordingly.
In other news,
soy milk futures have dropped
in the last 24 hours.
Goddamn it.
Ted, fuck.
You guys hear that?
Soy milk futures are down.
There goes my whole portfolio.
Oh, God.
She really dug her teeth in.
where did it all go wrong?
With us?
You really want to know?
I do.
I don't think you can handle it.
I-- I think I can.
You spent all your time with
that dinosaur you call computer
writing obscure nothingness.
You're stuck in the past, James.
No wonder
you can't move forward.
-All your love
spent on that stupid book.
Nothing left over for me.
Your life put on hold
and for what?
No, no. I-- I think I finally found my inspiration.
Well, that's great for you,
but unfortunately--
If you would just let me talk.
Right. Um, okay.
I'm sorry that
I was a terrible boyfriend.
And I was.
I was distant and very bad
at communicating.
-EMILY: Mm-hmm.
-And I-- I didn't see you.
And more than anything,
I'm sorry that it took a day
like today for me
to see how amazing you are.
And how much I want to fight
for you.
So, what do you say?
I'm sorry, it's not that easy.
Okay. Two seconds.
-Oh my God.
I can't imagine living
on this planet without you.
So if I have to become
a mindless zombie as
we both just fade into the dust,
at least we can be together.
I can't take you back
right away,
especially after everything
that's happened.
But it's a start.
Oh no, James.
-You didn't.
-I did.
(SIGHS) Jesus.
You two have put me in a
seriously fucked-up
love triangle.
I want you both to know that
when you turn into zombies,
I'm going to kill you both
and claim squatter's rights,
so I can live here forever.
-Hope that's cool.
-Yeah, that seems fair.
I think I have an ending
for your book.
Mm-hmm. You want to hear it?
Yeah, I do.
The guy finally wins over
the girl, they fall deeply,
madly in love,
and they die happily ever after.
-The end.
-That's good.
I'd read that. Mm-hmm.
-I love it.
-Me too.
Yeah, one, two princes kneel
before you
That's what I said now
princes who adore you
Just go ahead now
One has diamonds
in his pocket
And that's some bread now
This one said he wants
to buy you rockets
Ain't in his head now
Doo, doo, doo
doo, doo, doo, doo
A doo-dobba, dobba, dobba,
dobba, dobba, dobba
This one,
he got a princely racket
That's what I said now
Got some big seal
upon his jacket
Ain't in his head now
You marry him,
your father will condone you
How about that now
You marry me,
your father will disown you
He'll eat his hat now
Marry him or marry me,
I'm the one that loves you
Baby, can't you see
I ain't got no
future or family tree?
But I know what a prince
and lover ought to be
I know what a prince
and lover ought to be
Said if you want
to call me baby
Just go ahead now
And if you like
to tell me maybe
Just go ahead now
And if you want
to buy me flowers
Just go ahead now
And if you would like to talk
for hours, just go ahead now
Good morning, sleepyheads.
How do you feel?
Like shit.
I'm not sure though if that's
because I'm becoming a zombie
or because I'm super hungover.
Well, you came
to the right place,
because I just brewed up
a couple of prairie oysters.
-Do, do, do, do.
-No, I am not doing that again.
-Yes, you are.
-JAMES: I am not going to.
-Prairie what?
-Prairie oysters.
It's a hangover remedy invented by James Bond.
Don't let the Bond thing
fool you, though.
It tastes like shit.
All right.
Admittedly, it did help, so.
I mean, I'll do anything
to get rid of this headache, so.
-Bottoms up.
-Bottoms up.
It's not terrible.
Okay, now I want you both to try
my world famous
bacon egg sandwich.
Okay, now that I'll do.
Take a big bite, would you?
-Oh my God.
Bruce, oh, this is amazing.
-You really think so?
You haven't lost your touch?
Wow, Rory was not joking
when he said that you are
a sandwich artiste.
-Oh man, you really think so?
If this is my last meal,
I can die happy.
That's really sweet, Emily.
Thank you.
Wait a second.
What's wrong?
-JAMES: Yeah.
Look at Emily's face.
Oh my God. Wait, what?
Yeah, we've already established
that I look like shit.
No, no, you look amazing.
You look like perfect.
So beautiful right now.
Well, come on.
No, it's almost like you look-- you look cured.
Holy shit.
How is that even possible?
I have no idea.
Dude, I think
it's the prairie oyster.
No, no way.
Yes, think about it.
You had one yesterday
and you're showing no symptoms right now.
You're right.
I actually feel amazing.
Do you know what this means,
If you found the cure
for the Agnes virus,
you're gonna be a hero.
Fuck being a hero.
I'm about to be a billionaire.
I need to let the world know.
James, give me the phone.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
There you go.
Who are you calling?
Ted Sommers, bitch.
Channel 11 News.
-You just know the number?
-By heart.
-Love those guys.
It's ringing. This is good.
Channel 11, how can I direct your call?
Hey, uh, this
is Bruce Springsteen
calling for Ted Sommers.
Hold please.
No, I'm not gonna fucking hold.
You better wrap things up.
It's about to start soon.
Yeah, this is for my publisher.
Very big day for this guy.
Is that a new printer?
Yes, it is.
I'm proud of you.
You think this is gonna be
your masterpiece?
I know it is.
Many are calling you
a "national hero".
Do you feel like a hero?
-That's me.
-Yeah, it is.
Come on, Ted.
You know, if you're looking
for a real hero,
his name is James Bond.
Taught me everything I know
about the prairie oyster.
Now tell me, how does one go
from being unemployed
for over three years
to solving a health crisis?
That's a great question, Ted.
It's fairly simple.
I'm not really great
at anything in general,
other than getting all messed up
and trying to figure out how
to avoid a hangover.
The rest
of it was basically being
in the right place
at the right time.
Some would say you're the most
celebrated person on the planet.
How does that make you feel?
Pretty great, Ted.
Pretty great.
Well, everyone wants to know
what's next
for Bruce Springsteen,
the sandwich artist,
not the boss?
-Stein. Springstein.
-Sorry about that.
Well, you know,
I was thinking after I graduate
culinary school,
I'll open a sandwich shop with
my good buddy Rory.
I mean, he inspired me
to get back in the kitchen
in the first place.
-I'm proud of you, Bruce.
-I love you, buddy.
Then I'd like
to open an animal rescue with
-my friend Emily.
And after that, hopefully write
a book about this entire
crazy experience--
--with my best friend James,
because he's a novelist,
and also because he saved
my life.
Yeah, I, for sure,
didn't save any lives.
No, no,
you almost killed us all.
Sounds like you've got some
really wonderful friends, Bruce.
I really do.
I really do, Ted.
-Oh, yeah. There you go.
Thank you, thank you.
You're a fucking hero
these days.
Oh, shit, dude.
Oh, all of our old friends.
Still smiling after everything
they've been through.
You know, the doctors were able
to save the jogger's leg.
Truly incredible what they can do these days,
-medical people, you know?
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I should have been a doctor.
Oh, look. It's Beverly
and her asshole parrot.
Dude, she looks great.
Yes, she does.
Yes, she does.
You know,
you really saved the world, man.
Yes, I did.
I'm honored to call you
my best friend.
Me too, buddy.
Ah, yeah, that--
that's not good.
Maybe it's like some kind of,
I don't know.
Ah, your face.
Turn it up. Turn it up!
On the Agnes virus outbreak,
the Centers for Disease Control
have deemed
the prairie oyster antidote
only temporarily effective.
To be clear,
CDC scientists have concluded
that the antidote
is ineffective against
the long-term effects
of the Agnes virus.
-Washington officials are said--
-Fuck, Ted. be deploying alternative
containment measures
as we speak.
-Reports are coming in from...
...all across the city about
infected persons wandering
-the streets aimlessly.
-What the hell is that?
Air raid sirens.
The big red button.
Guess I'm not really great
at anything in general, am I?
That's not true, man.
You're a great best friend.
Thanks, buddy.
So this is the end of the world?
As we know it.
It's a lot different
than I pictured it.
Looks pretty good from here.
So, what do you say?
Will you take me back?
I hate you.
I know.
I'll be waiting to show her
Over and over
Now, let's go to Seattle now.
I'm not going right now.
Let's go to Seattle, dude.
-What is it? Spun--
-What is it?
-JAMES: Space Trains.
-Space Trains.
-JAMES: Oh, no.
Russell, there you go. Yeah.
-He's a jerk--
Yeah, oof.
I'm just here
to report the news.
-I can't get involved.
It looks very painful.
I understand your yelling.
Maybe we can like
go out sometime.
Ooh. Yeah.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
I'll buy you some new shoes.
Thank you, Ted. I--
I'm very blessed and fortunate.
I know a lot of people out there
don't have any friends.
Many people lost loved ones.
They did. They sure did.
Um, yeah.
After you go back to, I wanted
to say sandwich school, but--
After you go back
to the culinary institute
and you start this
animal rescue, you said.
are you an animal lover, Bruce?
Not really.
No, it's not really about me.
It's more about Emily.
-That's her thing.
-I see.
-So you just plan to support her
and the shelter financially?
If that's what it takes.
If that's what it takes, Ted.
I've never really been much
of an animal guy personally.
They stink.
And you got
to clean up after them.
But it's okay.
-I won't be there.
-Right. Right.
But it's good to put your name
on things that are looked at
as positive in the world.
So a lot
of people like animal rescues.
Emily does.
So I do.
Okay, I-- I can understand that.
I, for one,
don't like dog barks.
I'm with you there.
They can make me jump
out of my skin.
And they make me very angry,
-They surprise me.
-Yes. Yeah.
Shock me. But I know many animals are wonderful.
And you're going to write
a book about all of this,
you hope?
Well, I will be doing a bit
of the ghost, what do they say?
-Is it ghost writing?
-Ghost writing.
Oh, no, no, that's not right.
I will be uh--
Well, your friend will be ghost writing for you, I believe.
Yes. That's what I meant.
James will be the ghost writer.
James will be the ghost writer,
and I will take all
of the credit.
-I don't know.
How do you think James
will feel about that?
We'll find out
when he sees this interview.
Hey, I got a little whiskey
there for you.
-It's top shelf.
-Oh, I-- I don't doubt it.
You're very kind, Bruce,
but if I have one,
I'll have a thousand. (LAUGHS)
I'd like to see that.
I don't think you would.
I would like to see that.
It gets quite ugly.
I-- I would I--
You're making me want
to see this even more.
I may be making you want
to see it,
but trust me, once you saw it,
you would be filled with regret.
No, no, no.
I've never--
I never regret anything.
Oh, well.
No regrets.
That's my life motto.
That's one way to live,
I suppose.
I certainly have regrets.
Oh, yeah?
Millions and millions.
Oh, man.
Maybe hundreds, I don't--
I don't think I've been alive
long enough
to have millions of regrets.
But this interview
isn't about me.
-It's about you, Bruce.
-That's right, it is.
So, no regrets?
No regrets.
I'm a lucky man.
Very fortunate.
I appreciate you letting us
into your beautiful home here.
Oh, I-- no problem.
Of course. Anytime.
It's not really my home.
It's James',
the one with the novel.
Oh, I see. I see.
Did you ever read his book,
Space in Tr--
-Trains in Space?
-Trains in Space.
I believe I've heard of it.
-Great book.
-Is it?
-I never read it.
-Oh, no.
-Well, that's all.
-Don't tell him.
Don't tell anybody.
I have a feeling he's gonna
see this interview.
I feel a lot of people are going
to see this interview.
-I sure hope so.
-I hope so, too.
I sure hope so.
Well, Ted, I've got to say,
I have, you know,
I've been a fan of yours
for a really long time.
And I-- I-- anytime you want
to have me back on,
I'm-- I'm honored.
-Oh my goodness. Thank you.
-I'm honored.
Thank you so much, Bruce.
I-- I don't often hear such words of sincere encouragement,
and I--
and I deeply appreciate it.
You know, there was a lot
of people that wanted
to do this interview.
Phil Donahue, Geraldo Rivera,
but I chose you,
because I love Channel 11 News.
Um, thank you.
Bruce, that is deeply moving
to me that you would choose me
over such giants
of the news business.
You, my friend, are a giant.
Oh, thank you, Bruce, um...
-You okay there, Ted?
I think
we're gonna have to cut.