Asterix: The Secret of the Magic Potion (2018) Movie Script

You spin me right round baby
Right round like a record
Right round round round
You spin me right round baby
Right round like a record
Right round round round
I got to be your friend now
All I know is that to me
You look
like you're lots of fun
Open up your lovin' arms
Watch out here I come
You spin me right round baby
Right round
Like a record baby
Right round round round
You spin me right round baby
Right round
Like a record baby
Right round round round
You spin me right round baby
Right round
Baby right round round
Like a record baby right
- Oh!
- Oh!
- Getafix, are you alright?
- Better than ever, dear boy.
Why are you lying
flat on your back?
It's called meditation.
Huh? You... you didn't...
you didn't by chance
fall out of that tree?
Did I fall out of a tree?
Right, come on, Obelix,
let's help our druid to his feet.
What's the meaning of this?!
If I want to be on my feet,
I'm plenty big enough to...
- Quiet down, class!
Our lesson for today is...
how to brew the stinkiest potion ever.
- Uh, can I have a taste?
- Obelix, must I remind you
that you fell into the stinky
potion when you were a baby?
Uh, children... listen,
Getafix won't be teaching class
this morning.
- What do you want?!
- I brought you a...
It's a...
- It's a light snack!
- It's a light snack.
I'm not hungry!
Getafix, this is ridiculous.
If you fell out of a tree,
why not just come out
and say it?
Druids don't fall from trees,
That's one of the rules for becoming
a druid: Do not fall from trees.
And they don't stumble, either.
Let's say that a stumbling
druid is a declining druid.
So how's it going, champ?
You on the mend?
All these years without a hitch.
Not once
did I even sprain an ankle.
Not once!
Then out of the blue: Crack!
All these years
dangling from oak trees...
Such stamina, such energy...
Druid, come on. One busted foot can't
possibly keep you from climbing trees again!
Oh, Teutates,
could this be you...
beckoning me
to the Fields of Avalon,
where the apples keep growing
Something about apples.
- Apples?
- What are you talking about?
That's what I heard: Apples!
Why'd we have to pick a guy who's deaf
as a doornail to eavesdrop for us?
- Picked himself, more like.
- You guys want a taste a doornail?!
We all get overextended.
Happens to the best.
Getafix, be reasonable, please.
There's more of a fight in ya!
It's not like you
to give up like this.
You're right.
Giving up is not an option.
There ya go.
That's more like it, huh?
That's our druid,
taking charge again!
- I must take charge again.
- Oh, yeah! Way to go, Druid!
As the druid of our village,
it's time I faced my responsibilities.
That's the spirit!
You can do it!
A true man's mettle is measured
by his most trying choices.
Now you're talking!
Not quite sure
what you're talking about,
but yeah, way to go!
From now on,
I cannot be the only one
to know the formula
for the magic potion.
- Yeah, congratula...
- Wha? - Wha?!
I will set forth in search of a young
successor that I can entrust it to.
(BOTH): Wha?!
Among the young druids of Gaul,
I shall choose the one to whom I'll
teach the recipe for the magic potion
so that he may become
the new druid of the village.
But we can't change druids...
We can't change druids
'cause you fell out of a tree!
Ah, great! Fall out of a tree,
then give up!
I can do that too.
It's dead easy to fall out of a tree.
Getafix, please,
tell me you didn't mean that.
You're just pulling our leg.
You gotta be kidding.
They're talking about a recipe!
- A recipe?
- Would that be an apple recipe?
- An apple strudel, perhaps?
- Ah, shut it. - You did say "recipe."
Yes, I did say "recipe"!
Why would they lock themselves up in
there just to cook up an apple pie?!
Are you sure that's what they
said, Sugar Duck?
You sure you're not deaf
as a doornail, Sugar Duck?
I cannot strike a woman.
Let alone if she's married
to a doornail.
Here's your doornail!
Give me some!
- Wonderful.
Now you all understand
you have to stick together.
Be careful now!
My cairn?
I'm so sorry, Getafix.
You see, I was running...
Those boars are off-limits,
- They are?
- My cairn.
You want solid,
buy a standing stone.
You want rickety,
get yourself one of these.
(CHILD): Get the Romans!
This is a disaster, Obelix.
Entrusting the potion to a rookie
druid with zero experience?
Who says he won't misuse
his power?
What if he reveals the formula?
That'll be the end of the
indomitable Gauls - simple as that.
The end of the indomitable
Gauls - simple as that?
You see those kidlets playing over there?
They are Gauls.
We are holding out
against the invader, are we not?
And what about those children's
For them to be Gauls as well,
they too will have to resist
the invader.
You are absolutely right,
My quest is a risky one.
That's why the first warrior of
the village must travel with me:
To be sure I make no mistake
in the choosing
of this rookie stranger of a
druid with zero experience.
It'll take
at least the two of us.
Well, I got a question.
If it's another druid who's
gonna make the magic potion,
do you think maybe I could
finally get a taste of it?
Take me back to my hut, Obelix.
("GULPING") Magic potion!
- Well, what brings you to my hut, my dear friends?
Wait, wait. I'm sorry,
my Boarish is a bit rusty.
I understood up until "Getafix,"
but after that, no reception.
Start over
and speak clearly this time.
O Getafix, our venerable druid,
I speak for the whole village
when I say
you carry all our support
and encouragement.
It was a tough decision,
O Druid,
and you should know
we stand by it.
- On the other hand...
- It's not like we had a choice, is it?
That is true. You didn't really
consult with us, but then again,
would our input
have changed anything?
There you go. So we might as well
approve it. Can't really hurt.
Druid, I got a question too.
Would there not be
just a tiny bit more astuteness
in teaching someone
from our village
the recipe for the magic potion,
The magic potion
is only passed down
from druid's mouth to druid's ear,
Unhygienix. I'm sure you understand.
Would you trust an amateur
with your fishmonger's stall?
Oh, I certainly would not.
is just too technical.
Calls for extreme precision,
loads of experience and know-how,
not to mention the beauty and
love of our traditional ways.
Mind you, you still keep abreast of
the latest innovations in the field.
Oh, yes, it's like having
one eye set toward the future,
and, in fact, truth be told,
(BANG) Hmm?
- Does this mean we can't take you into the Carnutes Forest?
- It's forbidden to non-Druids.
- With your broken foot, I don't know.
- Strictly forbidden.
And druids don't mess around
with such things.
Hobbling into a forest
by yourself on a bum foot -
you don't think
that's a problem?
I have no choice.
I must go alone.
Ah!! Right.
We do have a problem.
Shhh. Stop talking.
Oh, hi, Getafix.
I shouldn't have done that.
I was going to come out,
but I feel asleep.
Before you yell at me,
look at my prototype. What it is is...
What... What are you doing here?
We're too far from the village
to take you back.
Everybody's going to be looking
for you.
I don't think so. I told 'em
she was coming with us.
What?! You knew
she was in the cauldron?!
- Of course I knew. I saw her climb in.
- What?!
Why didn't you say anything,
you big dope?!
Because she asked me not to.
That's why. Otherwise...
And what did you tell
the village?
- Pectin is in the cauldron.
- That's perfect!
So what do we do now?! Women aren't
allowed in the Carnutes Forest!
I thought
that was just non-druids.
Yeah. And women, too, of course.
(GRUNTING) How is it my fault
druids keep forbidding things?!
I'm forbidden from drinking magic
potion and I don't make a fuss!
You've been lugging a child
around for hours in a cooking pot
and you didn't get a chance
to let me know?!
Tell me,
why's it always so important
that Mr. Asterix
knows everything all the time?!
Ah. Oh. Pectin, please.
No one cries like that.
Not after building such a
magnificent prototype. (SNIFFLING)
Now, why don't you tell me
how this thing works?
Are you sure
they'll accept you with a child?
Well, it'll work a lot better
than with the other two.
You might want to hide
your long hair, though.
And your voice.
I have to hide that I'm a girl?
A boy child will go over
much better than a girl child.
What if someone
asks me a question?
- You can answer "pfft."
- Pfft.
- Simple as that.
- Pfft.
Oh, careful. We're there.
Is there supposed to be
no one around, O Druid?
No. Something's afoot.
- Can you picture it, Obelix?
The Grand Council of the Druids.
The greatest druids
from all over Gaul.
A feast for the eyes.
They're having a feast?
All these great minds,
with their white beards flowing,
scientists, philosophers...
Wouldn't that be a sight?
Welcome back, Getafix,
you old fogey!
So what's the matter
with our star player?
Lost any branches lately?
Here! Look what we made for you.
Hanging up in front of your
forest, it'll look great!
(ALL): Caution: Falling druids!
I-I'm not sure I understand, Cakemix.
Did you not get my message?
I sent you wild boars.
Yes, they told me
you fell out of a tree.
- That's all they said?
- What do you mean, that's all?
It's already a riot. (LAUGHTER)
What about the rest?
Passing down the potion?
Finding a successor?
What passing down?
What successor?
What shenanigans are you up to this
time, ya sneaky old windbag?
Come on, out with it.
Didn't see that one coming.
- Are you serious, Getafix?
What if the magic potion falls
into the wrong hands? What then?
You can imagine
what a difficult decision
this had been for me,
Now I understand why you summoned
the Council of the Druids.
It was a little strange
that you gather us all
just to tell us
about your spill.
I'm here to solicit your help
in selecting my candidate.
Can you think of a list of young
druids in Gaul with a good reputation?
Off the top of our heads,
I think we keep crib notes
You keep crib notes?
Tiny little ones, yeah.
They're sorted by level.
- A druid's allowed to write now?
- Oh, certainly not, my boy!
That's strictly forbidden.
From the druid's mouth to the druid's ear.
Getafix has taught you well.
That's important. Good job.
No writing among druids.
- It's all in the head, right?
- That said,
with all the formulas
we have to learn,
our heads are jam-packed,
full to the gills.
Honestly, for a list of all the young
druids in Gaul, we made little crib notes.
Don't ask, don't tell.
- Teeny little cribby-wibbies.
- I won't tell if you don't!
Nothing weird below the beard.
Why don't you go down
and fetch them, boys?
Don't look at me like that.
You fall out of trees;
Well, we use crib notes.
what you don't get, Obelix.
Well, do they all have
a white beard?
Well, all of them...
I think so, yes. As far as I know.
Well, how does it grow?
Obelix... you know,
when I say they all have
a white beard...
it means
that they have one each.
They don't share it.
There is one beard per druid.
They don't share one beard
between all druids.
First batch is worthless.
These guys are impressively stupid,
but they can manage a trick or two.
These are okay,
and these are the best of the best.
They won't be wasting
much of your time.
And, of course,
the ultimate lame-brains
couldn't cook up an onion soup
to save their lives.
It's, uh, nice of you
to give everyone a chance,
but why wouldn't you
just take the hotshots?
Even among them, there won't be anyone
to replace a druid like yourself.
No one is irreplaceable.
With that,
I couldn't agree more.
How are my old fuzzy beards?
Long time no see.
Have you discovered a potion for
stiff joints, or still working it out?
Demonix, how dare you enter the
sacred clearing after all this time?!
After all this time,
you could be a bit more flexible.
Well, not physically.
Don't bust your backs.
Ah, not a single soul
to pour me a horn of wine?
You've got some nerve,
using your forbidden magic here!
Oh, not to worry.
It works only on the most pliable minds.
- What do you want from us?
- From you? Nothing.
I've come to apply
as a successor.
Successor?! Successor to what?!
To the great Getafix, of course.
Isn't that the order of the day?
- You?! Is this a joke?
- You're not even allowed to be a druid!
You think Getafix is going
to hand over his formula to you?
You can't be serious.
What's this I hear, old friend?
Falling from trees, are we?
Thought you were
a ripe little peach?
It's taken you all these years to
realize you're not so special after all,
that it's time to stand down.
Getafix is by far
the best of us!
Better than you indeed,
but I was voted a better druid than he.
Or perhaps you've forgotten.
For I would've used
the magic potion
instead of defending a measly
40-strong village of mustachioed fools.
That kind of power shared amongst
the denizens of occupied Gaul
was our one chance
to topple the Roman empire!
We could've ended all wars.
But our celebrated Getafix is after a
good little boy who does as he's told.
A model apprentice
he can mould in his image,
into a selfish rogue
like himself!
Back off! (GRUNTING)
Interesting. Oh, well, then.
Ah! Hey!
- Oh, no!
They're flying away! Oh, no.
Oh, the top dogs
are mixed up with the mutts!
All these beards!
Which one do I whack?
(GRUNTING) Got him! I'm good!
Oh, so... that is unexpected.
And very interesting indeed.
(ASTERIX): Obelix?
- Obelix?!
- Here, boyo, have a drink.
- Go easy, though.
Too much drink
and you can't think.
- Aren't you thirsty?
- Pfft.
What rotten luck, having Demonix
just show up out of nowhere.
- And after all this time.
- Crying shame, really. - But who exa... Ahem.
(DEEPER): But who exactly
is this demon? Ah!
Ah. Now, sonny,
I'm very glad you asked,
because I'm fond
of very long stories,
especially when they're laden
with vocal emphasis
and mysterious undertones.
Demonix and Getafix
were two young druids
who were the admiration
of their masters.
Always together, working relentlessly,
inventing new techniques.
Demonix and Getafix
were two little geniuses.
I myself was beyond hopeless.
- It's true. I remember.
- So hopeless, in fact,
I almost got kicked out
at least four times. Whatever!
So at the Grand Tournament,
Demonix presented
his flame powder,
which impressed the jury.
on the other hand, took a risk.
He had chosen a magic spell
that was simply beautiful!
And by Belenos...
beautiful it was!
His spell was pure magnificence!
I won't lie to you -
I shed a tear.
And it demonstrated
great mastery of druidism.
After much deliberation,
the jury decided
that they could not reward
a spell
that had no practical usage.
"Lovely but useless,"
they concluded.
And they gave first prize
to Demonix.
However, Demonix never enjoyed
the career he could've hoped for.
His spell came in handy
here and there,
and less and less.
And finally... not at all.
While Getafix was fast becoming the most famous
and respected of all the druids in Gaul,
thanks to his magic potion,
which gives superhuman strength,
Demonix bitterly turned his back
on humankind,
indulging in the practice
of forbidden magic.
Then he disappeared -
until tonight.
Who was that madman?
Is he a druid?
I'm so very glad you asked,
because I'm fond of very long stories,
especially when they're laced
Hmm. Go easy on the swagger.
O noble Getafix, druid by all
revered, 'tis an honour.
I'll let your colleague Bazunix, our village
druid, introduce his young apprentice,
and we hope you'll find him
a worthy successor.
Getafix, this is Beatnix.
I'm not sure why our colleagues in
the forest would've recommended him,
because I'll tell you this:
If he's your successor,
then I'm the successor
of Cleopatra.
Go get 'em, tiger.
Do your thing.
Right. So I take a vial and
pour in the first preparation.
Mind you, it's only nettle
steeped in rainwater. But...
there's a second mixture,
and I put so much stuff in there,
don't ask me to break it down.
So now - hope for the best -
we should come up with...
- Something what?
Well, it's really
a plant fertilizer of sorts,
but I guess if you just mix anything
and let it rot long enough -
I'll hand it to you - you always
get some kind of fertilizer.
Don't you? (MURMURINGS)
So, Getafix, what do you say? You want
him to take over? Should we gift-wrap him?
Getafix, my name is John Patrix.
But in the Carnutes Forest,
I'm known as... Magnetix.
Oh. Not supposed to happen.
Uh, wait. Ow. Ooh!
No, no. Ow. Ooh. Uh-oh.
Getafix, my name is Breadstix,
and I've created
my personal concoction,
mostly inspired
by your famous magic potion.
Look over here.
This sickly little runt of a man...
My, my, you poor thing.
Drink up, my boy.
There's hope for you yet.
Whoa, Nelly! Eh?
- Don't mind us at all.
We wouldn't want to interrupt.
What are you doing here,
by Teutates?
We decided we should join you
on your important quest,
in order to offer our expertise in the
choosing of a successor for Getafix.
- Are you insane?!
- I believe we're entitled to our say.
What if you bring in
some birdbrain?
We're already stocked up,
don't you think? (CLUCKING)
Wait a second.
Who's guarding the village?
As acting chief
of our dear village,
I-I'll take this opportunity
to express how proud I am
to be... uh...
There are no men?
No men left at all?
Um, no.
I do have some women, though.
A bunch of kids
and a rather loud tenor.
All the fellows
have left the village.
Mind you, this is a spy's report
to be confirmed, as you're aware.
- I always say it takes...
- Senator Tomcrus, keep quiet!
But what do we do now?
Hmm... Tell the legion
to attack them
until they run themselves
out of potion.
Then we'll see what happens.
- Flippity-flop.
- Hail, Caesar.
What?! An attempt on my life?!
Guards! Guards!
Tell me, O divine Caesar...
I just heard you speak
of the famous magic potion
that gives superhuman strength.
Would its formula
be of interest to you?
The potion of the whackos?
You can provide this formula?
Not... quite yet.
I might say I have to go get it.
I have to go get it in...
the mountains east of Gaul.
A mere formality, you see.
The potion will be yours,
O Caesar.
You will finally be able to quell
that annoying rebellion in Brittany,
which has been a thorn
in your side for so long.
In all of our sides, really.
- But how can you prove...
- How can you, uh...
No, I-I'm sorry, I...
Carry on. I'll wait.
Give me some assurance that I'm
not dealing with a swindler.
Ah, yes, that's very good as well.
But what I wanted to ask...
Tomcrus! Is there no way
of shutting you up?
Now, that is something
I can arrange.
Oh, dear. Uh... Ah!
And just what is it you want
in exchange for the potion?
- Nothing. - Nothing?
- On second thought,
a small plot of land in Gaul
currently littered with old junk
and sorely in need
of a good clean-up.
The Carnutes Forest.
- Granted.
- Oh, and I'm tired of walking.
I'd appreciate transportation
into the mountains.
Small convoy.
Nothing terribly fancy.
A vehicle for all occasions.
That is something I can arrange.
Oh, druid? You know,
I still didn't catch your name.
I am Senator Calus
Fraudulus Tomcrus.
Now, I was wondering: Is that...
Don't panic! Don't... Ah!!
Everyone line up in front of the
magic-potion reserve and... Ah...
So on my command...
My mom says that if you're too bossy,
she'll make you eat your flutes.
And we haven't had
our cookies and milk.
On my command...!!!
- Centurion?
- What?!
We, just so we know,
we're exhausting their magic-potion stash,
Yes. I've explained 30 times.
But as we're building up our first
attack, their stock isn't depleted yet.
- Indeed not. Simple arithmetic. Should be full.
- Right.
So then this particular assault should
go pretty much the same as usual, huh?
- Right.
- Hmm-hmm.
On my command...
(ALL): Get 'em...!!!
Score check: We made 'em use
up some of their magic potion?
- Affirmative.
- So, then, mission accomplished?
In such a big way.
So here's to a job well done.
Say, junior, not that you have
time to look up,
but I'll have you know
the moon is full.
- Mm-hmm. - What do you mean, mm-hmm?
- Relax. It's still light out.
A druid doesn't work
during a full moon.
It's not a matter
of day or night.
I have to keep working on the off
chance Getafix might make it up here.
If Getafix finds out you're
working during a full moon,
he'll be gone
as fast as he came!
We'll cross that bridge
when we get to it.
Talent is not enough.
Mess with the rules
and they will mess with you.
Hey, you okay?
(GROANING) I'm afraid
my tree-climbing days
are good and finished.
Are you a druid?
I've never seen you around here.
My, my, what have we here?
- I'm preparing!
- Preparing? For what?
The great Getafix is looking
for his successor.
Come again?
Who's looking for his successor?
Getafix, of course.
The greatest druid of all time!
Don't know him.
But if you want to impress
an old druid,
you could start by tidying up
your workbench.
My workbench?
It's perfectly tidy.
Distilled water on the right!
Why so,
since you're left-handed?
- In that case, my setup's all wrong.
- Your setup is all wrong.
My master Zurix
always instructed me
to work this way,
so this is how I work.
Rules were made to be broken.
My distilled water,
for instance, I keep over here,
Stop that!
Distilling water takes forever.
And river water
works just as well.
You're not handling ingredients,
you're collaborating
with matter.
Druids aren't meant
to boil up veggie soups,
they're meant to paint!
To sing and illuminate.
To prove that magic...
is real.
So right now, Centurion, if we could
do a bit of a magic-potion recap,
do they still have some potion in storage,
or do they not? Uh, what would you say?
It's not like I've got eyes
in their ammo stock.
Didn't think so.
Well, a disappointment, though.
Alright, upon my command...
- Ah what?
- They do have some magic... (EXCLAIMING)
(ALL): Get 'em!!!
O Getafix,
I am the druid Vodkatonix,
master mixer
in the service of magic.
Getafix, I'm Tectonix!
I am the druid Climatesceptix,
and such is my power...
Attack!!! (ROARING)
(BOTH): O Getafix,
we are the brothers Jugglestix!
Getafix, I solemnly promise
I shall never, ever reveal
the precious recipe
for the magic potion!
With the possible exception of
a select group of rich tourists
who can lay down a pile of money,
money, monix! (BUZZER SOUNDING)
My name is Tonofbrix. Mm!
I am Picketidix.
- We are the four Fantastix!
- I am the druid Selfix.
- Vodkatonix!
Antibiotix. (BABEL)
This riverboat idea was wrong
from the start, I keep telling ya.
We just got unlucky with our
first customers, that's all.
Nothing wrong
with river-boating.
This is where you can keep your herbs.
Distilled water goes here.
And here? Ta-dah!
A retractable sun flap.
And right here,
you stash your golden sickle...
- Ah!
- Oops. Sorry.
Of course.
No wonder my potions don't work.
I don't even have
a golden sickle.
That's what's going on.
You let your hair down
in your funny face,
you think you're a druid!
Come on, I'm just trying it out.
Any chance the secret
can stay in our village
sure beats handing it over
to some stranger.
How hard can it be, anyway?
No more than the fish trade.
If you're as good a druid as a
fishmonger, we should sell tickets.
See this? You can use it
to pick mistletoe.
And you can also use it
to mince a blacksmith's ear!
- Don't start that up again, you two!
- Huh?!
If you weren't so lousy
at blacksmithing,
you would've pounded one out
for me by now!
- So it's a pounding you want?!
- Gentlemen, gentlemen, please.
- Let's be reasonable.
- Really, it's not worth a fight.
Can we offer you
some light refreshments?
Winum drinkum calmus doofus?
Wouldn't go there if I were you.
But I do implore you
to keep your cool.
It's true, I get worked up easy.
After all, if you want to druid
around, I can't stop you.
Well, you know,
maybe you're right.
I never get anywhere with all this
mixing, and nothing ever does the tri...
I can't take you anywhere!
Anywhere! The lot of you!
- Pendent opera interrupta.
- So true.
I have once again changed
the formula.
This time,
it probably won't explode.
(LAUGHING) So what do you say?
Let's hear it for the fishmongering druid?
What do you think?
What is your potion do exactly?
- What it does is not explode.
- What are you gonna tell Getafix?
"Check out my amazing potion.
Get this - it won't explode!"
You don't even have a potion,
'cause you're just as useless as always!
- Ah, Fiddlestix, it's you!
- 'Course it is. Aerobix.
Ha! My good friend, how happy I
am to see your old sack o' bones!
The whole team's here! What a bonus!
How's it going, boys?
Obelix: Hearty as ever.
Asterix: Ever-scrawny.
(LAUGHING) Ah, those good old
times are all flowing back, y'know?
- What good old times?
- When we fought together side-by-side against Rome!
- We did?
- I don't remember seeing you fight much.
Not against Rome. Wouldn't have been
a lot of good for business, I guess.
Asterix, now that just breaks
my heart to pieces.
Sure, okay, I was foolish enough
to believe the Roman scum
would make our world
a better place, but trust me,
I was quick
to see through their game.
What's this I found
in the wild-boar sauce?
What?! A prune?!
That is high treason!
Which of you pruned the boar sauce?!
Are we Romans?!
- Why not dates or pine nuts?!
- Found those, too.
(ROARING) What a disgrace!
Throw the cooks to the lions!
Um, I mean give 'em a good wallop.
So about this young druid.
Can we see him?
Ha! I can tell this guy's
a genius and a half, by Jupiter.
Uh, Teutates. Go ahead, Colchix.
Go ahead and show Getafix
what you're made of.
O great Druid Getafix,
this is a mosaic
classically designed
with a well-known motif:
Mars, the god of war, with his helmet,
the eagle and the olive branch.
Everyone has one at home,
but any single picture becomes
a bit of a bore after a while.
If I dip the mosaic...
Go ahead, keep it rolling.
So I'll dip the mosaic
into my special preparation...
and, poof, the picture now shows
two ferocious gladiators
with our noble Caesar sparing
their life in his glorious mercy.
And, poof, switch around!
Gladiators, Mars, gladiators,
Mars, gladiators, Mars,
gladiators, Mars,
gladiators, Mars,
Vitalstatistix, Asterix,
I swear in the name
of Belenos the Resplendent
that no village is more Gaulish
than my own!
Let's resume.
You're not that convinced,
are you?
I am. It's not bad.
Not bad at all.
Not bad, but?
But it's conventional.
No bright lights, no flourish.
The Getafix I know
will not come this far
for some potion that sorts out mistletoe
berries, convenient as it may be.
It is Getafix
we're talking about.
I thought you'd said you'd
never met him in your life.
No one knows him better than I.
I can help you win this,
That is, if you can scrupulously
cast the spell I have taught you.
The silly one with all those butterflies?
That's a useless spell.
I'm not gonna face Getafix
with a spell that's got no use!
Do not seek to understand,
you ignorant fool.
You know nothing of Getafix.
Carry out my spell, Cholerix,
and I guarantee
that the magic potion
will be yours!
No. He'll see my potion for sorting
mistletoe berries as I planned all along.
So too bad if it's not bright
lights, as you put it.
I will not demonstrate a spell that doesn't
belong to me, not to mention a useless one!
You are a promising young man,
Don't ruin everything by trying
to be an honest one.
This is it.
He's our last chance.
(ALL): Oh!
I'm sorry, Druid.
When all is said and done,
he's not the worst of them.
What? Come on,
don't tell me you're consider...
- It's a bit of a long shot, but with proper training...
- Oh, please!
We can't lug this guy and
his buns back to the village.
Lads, please don't make waves.
Don't forget we're guests.
I like this guy.
Now, if we can find another one
who does the same trick
with cheese...
- Hear me, O traveller!
Hear my words,
O wandering souls!
Hear me and my message,
O traveller!
Or not. Whether you be a traveller
or, rather, some other person...
What are you rambling on about?
Stick to the plot!
We need them to believe you!
But I'm just a senator. Improvising prophecies
on a hill isn't in my job description.
Who cares
about your job description?!
Make it stick, or you'll ruin everything!
Hark and listen,
exalted voyager!
Hearken the words
of a young prophet
who is but a victim
of his own succe...
Oh, you gotta ease up
on those birds, guys. Really.
And what say the gods?!
What? Could it be true?
A brood of cake-gobblers
presides over fountains?
Oh, beg pardon.
Not hearing too well.
I've got a spot of otitis
interna in my other ear.
Come again?! A druid of great
valour resides in these mountains?!
Gods! What does this all mean?!
A young druid
of unparalleled talents?
Ah...!! Yonder, by those peaks?
I have heard enough. O gods,
leave me to my magical disappearance.
Well, then. Who is this nutcase?
Is he from around here?
He did say... It seems to me
he did mention a young druid...
Getafix, don't tell me you're
taking that lunatic seriously?!
We're out of crib notes. It's over. We did
what we could, but we didn't find a druid!
Crib notes, scrib notes! He just said
there's a druid right up in those peaks!
- That'd be Cholerix.
- Excuse me?
That old kook
probably meant Cholerix.
Young druid, lives on the peaks?
And, uh, how's his reputation?
It's okay.
He's reasonably professional.
Bear in mind, though,
this parlour trick with the bread buns?
He can't pull it off.
This baby's mine.
Please, Getafix. It's true. You've got
to face the facts. We can't replace you.
There you have it.
Can we go home now?
We shall return home when I've
seen the last of the druids.
Oh, I can't believe this!
We've been trudging
all over Gaul with our stupid
little crib notes for weeks!
Not one of these guys
is good enough!
- Asterix, don't get upset.
- I am not upset!
Just like you,
I can stumble and fall.
Oop! Ow! See that?
I almost fell down.
That's it, I'm done.
I need a replacement.
There. Meet my successor.
The new first warrior of our village!
- Hmm? - What was that?
- Here's your dagger.
- And your helmet, too.
- But by Teutates... - And your potion.
You have a good time now.
I'll be doing something else!
'Cause I'm good and fed up
with the indomitables
who can't see
beyond their own moustaches!
Obelix, are you coming?
No, Mister Asterix,
I am very much not coming!
I am not following a little man
who chooses an old fogey
to replace him over
his so-called bestest buddy!
Fare ye well, Mister Asterix.
Asterix, Asterix,
don't be foolish!
Come on!
Please, Getafix, do something!
Asterix is free to go.
My quest is not over.
And if you choose not to follow
me, I will understand.
And I will climb up the mountain
without you.
- What's wrong with this picture, you twit?
- How should I know?
First time I've visited
this hole in the ground.
- I usually get clobbered before it opens.
- Just look!
Well, you got me. I mean, it's ugly
enough, but I didn't decorate it.
No more magic potion.
Not a drop.
So as you've been designated
chief of the village...
- Then...?
- Humph!
You've been designated chief of the
village, so tell us: What we do now?
In point of fact, as your chief,
I do believe
the best course of action
is to hope that all these Romans
leave us alone.
Did I do good? Or not?
Alright, let's pack up. Quietly.
If anyone finds us here,
the plan's cooked.
What was I thinking? What on earth
possessed me to trust you with a task?
If you didn't like your prophet,
you are free to choose another!
- If those Gauls don't take the bait...
- why they wouldn't.
I made everything
perfectly clear.
Be warned! Caesar will know
it was you who wrecked his plan!
Oh, really? I'll be telling
Caesar you're no more
than a gnarly mess,
a foul mouth, facial hair...
Go on. I said pack up! (CLATTER)
Well... what have we here?
A Gaulish warrior.
What are you plotting now,
Really, that's a bit much.
I'm just an old friend of
Getafix's modestly doing his bit
to help him in his quest
for a successor.
You want to steal the formula
and sell it to the Romans!
This time it's the Romans.
That's where the money is.
What matters to me most
is that this potion may serve
the interests of the many
to bring balance to the forces.
I am but a pacifist.
You're the worst
of all the druids in Gaul!
No, there's another
much worse than I.
One who shamelessly hoards his magic for his
own tribe of provincial, belligerent hicks
instead of rescuing all
his people from the oppressors.
Don't be ridiculous!
If the power of the potion
fell into the wrong hands,
who knows what would happen!
Rejoice. Your question
will soon be answered.
- Oh...
- keeps hassling me,
and who should know
that I'm a senator,
and that senator is a lot better
than druid.
I'll have you know...
What's this fellow doing here?
Tell your men to get moving.
We should be packed by now.
And as for that little Gaul,
tie him up somewhere,
good and tight so he can't warn the others.
I said I wasn't to be distur...
So I'll pour this stuff
into that stuff...
What are you adding that for?
Same thing happens every time...
It's different now!
This stuff into that stuff,
and after that, I count to 10.
And if it hasn't exploded,
we're safe.
It's not going to blow. Ready?
You've reversed
your workbench disposition?
Yeah, well,
as I'm left-handed...
Then you cross over.
It's not that difficult.
You're not the first
left-handed druid.
When you're ready, Cholerix.
(DEMONIX): Carry out my spell,
and I guarantee
the magic potion will be yours.
What's gotten into him
this time?
Don't take this the wrong way,
but you got competition.
I'm not an expert or anything,
and sure it's nice to look at,
but, uh, what's its use exactly?
It has none.
It has no use at all.
Young Cholerix,
will you be my successor?
I will.
You will follow me
to the Carnutes Forest,
and there you will receive,
upon the next lunar alignment,
the formula for the magic potion
that gives superhuman strength!
I gotta say, it feels grand
to be a landowner.
Uh, hold on. You won't become a
landowner before Caesar gets his potion.
- Just a matter of time.
- Maybe, but still...
Look at that monstrosity.
Druids aren't supposed to write.
Why would those hairy
little quacks hang
such a big, showy sign in front
of their forest?! Is it pride?
- Don't have a take on that one.
- And the ridiculous cairns!
Stacking pebbles -
that's what they're good at!
Hypocrites, the lot of them!
- If I may interject for a moment?
- In the name of Belenos,
those vice-addled druids and their
corruption are driving me mad!
Help me,
you senatorial simpleton!
Take your cloak off.
Take it off! (BOTH GRUNTING)
Oh! I'm so terribly sorry.
I wasn't thinking. What do we do now?
- Well, what can we do?
- But the successor, the formula -
wasn't that all that supposed
to happen here?
- It was.
- If the forest burns, all is lost!
Oh, isn't this beautiful?!
Here I was wondering what I could
possibly do with this accursed forest!
You are a genius, Tomcrus!
A genius!
- Mm... Ah!
I cannot believe
what I'm seeing.
A 100 times I said
no fiddling around with potions!
So what's this all this about,
This time, I didn't blow up,
so I drank some.
Couldn't exactly pass up the chance.
And there you have it.
Beats the blast and fallout,
I can tell you that for free.
Looks a bit weird, a fishmonger
dangling from a string like a...
You can talk.
You're not the one walking him.
The Carnutes Forest.
By Teutates.
Getafix, what'll you do
about the succession?
The next lunar alignment
takes place in a few hours.
We can't afford to miss it.
The cairn.
Excuse me?
- Are you not restacking the cairn?
- Right now?
What's next?
What's next? Nothing.
- That's all?
- I've told you everything...
- Oh, boy, Getafix!
I'd never seen boars like this
in my whole life!
These guys didn't run away,
they ran towards me!
And now
they won't stop squealing!
Quick, Obelix, run!
Get us to the village!
- Getafix, please tell us what's going on!
- Run!!
Wait! Hold on! What about us?!
Come on, time to potion up,
lads. Who's got some?
Spin me around, dammit! I'm facing the
wrong way! I can't follow the plot!
Oh, gimme a break! You want to spin
around, spin around like this!
Panic mode! How are we supposed
to get to the village?!
Obelix, go under those trees!
Obelix, skirt those bushes!
Are those the ingredients
to the magic potion?
- Our village!
- If the boars have their story straight,
there's not a drop of potion
left inside!
Quick, Obelix,
go forth and clobber!
All those Romans are yours!
- Obelix?
- Obelix? Obelix?
- Something wrong?
- The bag. Where's the bag of ingredients?!
Only one thing to do!
Get to my hut,
and make the potion there!
My sickle! Where's my sickle?!
Ah! There it... (SCREAMING)
Good evening, children.
Don't panic, don't panic!
Of course,
given the circumstances,
a little panic may be in order.
Good. Now, are we sure we're out
of magic potion? (ALL SCREAMING)
We're coming with you!
Way too dangerous, Kiddix.
But you're a brave boy.
And there will come a day,
sooner than you think,
when you'll be telling a young'un
like yourself, that he must stay safe,
- and you'll be the one to...
- Put it in writing! He'll use it at school!
Is he a bit fetching, or what?
- Well, heavy on the "what."
- I know.
- Still got potential.
- A tiny little poof of potential.
- They're not coming!
- What's that?
The druids!
They're not coming at us!
That means they're out of potion and
our plan has worked like a charm.
Considering our level of
personal sacrifice, seems fair.
We can finally bring
some good news to Caesar.
Forward... march!
Don't you think now
would be a good time, Cholerix?
- What do you mean?
- You know him?
A handy pot, ingredients,
an imperilled village...
You're not going to make
the potion in front of him!
Getafix didn't ask me
to prepare the potion.
He gave you the formula
because he wants you to use it.
It's a case of dire necessity.
Don't do it!
What's going on in here?!
We - ahem - we're evaluating
the best-possible strategy.
Strategy?! Ha! You've spilled 30
vials with your senseless bickering!
You were supposed to find
ingredients to prepare a potion!
But we can't agree on anything.
I'm your most senior member and I say we
should all make a blinding dazzle powder.
Hogwash! Half the time,
we end up blind-dazzling ourselves!
What we need is a speed potion.
End of story.
And what is it you think you'll
accomplish with a speed potion, Gramps?
The same as usual,
only a lot faster!
What, you're gonna break
your thumb-twiddling record?!
Once again, I seem to be the only one
suggesting something remotely useful!
A super-growth potion.
Time-tested and ready for use. (CLATTER)
(SHOUTING) Stop this instant!
My ingredient!
My ingredient!
How can I prepare
the magic potion now?
Wait, wait! You can't!
He mustn't see you do it!
I'm trying to save the village.
Calm down, little girl.
I'm almost done here.
What an interesting formula.
Yet so simple.
Could it possibly be missing...
a final ingredient?
- The final ingredient.
- What final ingredient?
The final ingredient to the magic potion!
What is it?!
He didn't tell me anything
about that.
How could you not know
Getafix has a final ingredient
for the potion which he mixes in
at the last minute?
Did he not mention it?!
You are such a fool!
It means he didn't trust you!
Getafix must've gathered it.
What's left in the bag?
Something you haven't put
in the pot!
Could it be this?!
Or this! Yes, for sure,
it must be this!
By Teutates,
it has to be in here somewhere!
Ah! What could that old maniac
possibly stick
in his blasted potion?! Ah! Yah!
You ruined it on purpose,
you treacherous imp!!
- You're gonna drink that? Ow.
- Shut up.
Very interesting.
- Take shelter on the double!
- Yes, Chief Cacophonix.
Don't you "Chief Cacophonix" me!
What the heck was that?
Ah, as long as they're not
lobbing it at us, what do we care?
Might even help us out,
wouldn't you say?
Don't fight back!
He's on our side!
Ah, who's this now?
Senator Calus Fraudulus
Tomcrus. Open up, Centurion,
by order of Caesar!
Keep bombarding the village!
And get some light in here, will
you, before I crack my cranium?!
The war to end all wars,
baby boy!
that old fogey's magic was good for!
Demonix, your darkest hour
is dark enough!
Tonight marks the end
of these mustachioed morons.
The end of Asterix!
The end of...
What in the name of Teutates?
Archers, shoot the... (SIGHING)
Shoot down those chickens!!
Stop attacking us, you goons!
Just when you finally run out
of potion? You kidding me?
So what's your plan
against that?!
Wait a second.
Something's terribly wrong here.
Isn't he on our side?
He's got no reason to attack us.
Getafix, Getafix!
I took what I could save!
I'm not sure if it's all here.
We're in big trouble.
Cholerix prepared the potion
in front of Demonix!
He showed him everything!
Everybody fall back
to the beach right now!
Say, would you mind terribly if we
fell back to the beach with you?
- So Cholerix made the potion and you saw him do it?
- Yes.
- Well, you're gonna do the exact same thing.
And you have to remember the
ingredients in the right order.
- But I'll never get them all!
- And at the end,
you'll add a tiny drop of what's hidden
in here. Nobody must see you do that.
- But what about you?
- Ah!
- What are you two doing?! We have to go!
- Take Pectin to the beach!
- What about you?
- Get going, by Teutates!
- We have to go faster!
- The village is burning to the ground!
That's done. Now...
Are you sure we can't help,
young lady?
Making potion
is sort of what we do.
- How about magic potion?
- Eh, good point.
Centurion, this is all very confusing.
Should we help douse the fire?
That'd be a no.
It's a tad problematic, see?
I don't get it.
Shouldn't we bash 'em when they're down?
That'd be a no.
It's a tad problematic, see?
So, you old trickster, you,
have you stopped scampering?
Are you finally ready
for a fight?
I have no intention
of fighting you.
Do you even have what it
takes, my decrepit old friend?
(EXCLAIMING) All those years
boiling up the same pot of broth.
Could that have taken a toll
on your celebrated talent?
(EXCLAIMING) That's the reason
you're so desperate for a successor.
(EXCLAIMING) Your indomitable
Gauls have completely worn you out
with their nagging demands
for that crummy old soup.
Now it's the only thing you
know how to make. (LAUGHING)
For all we know, you threw
yourself from that tree on purpose
just to make your case.
You are no longer a druid.
My poor village! Never a chief
should have to witness such a...
- We need the potion! We can't afford to wait!
- I'm doing my best!
Pectin, why don't I help you...
Let the child do her thing.
We're helping from over here.
I was confident you'd
appreciate my Alpine apprentice.
Just the kind of limp-spirited
parrot you favour.
Too bad you didn't trust him
in the end.
Too much of a
mountain billy goat, was he?
Too much like his master.
He doesn't deserve
to be your successor.
Neither does anyone else,
There's no one but me, Getafix,
and you know it.
Tell me the final ingredient
and I'll spare everyone.
The Gauls, the Romans...
I'll even spare you.
I would rather disappear with
my formula than give it to you.
La! La!
(ALL): Oh...
You can come get
your potion now!
Kiddo, we just might have
something to contribute.
Getafix! You alright?
Better than ever, dear boy.
So... pretty good potion, huh?
Get him!!! (ALL): Get him!!!
Boys, time to jump in!
Drink up! Come on!
Come on! Come on! Hurry!
Hurry, hurry, hurry!
- Come on, chug, chug, chug!
- Come on, let's go!
Will you hurry up,
for Teutates's sake?!
Take a swig,
then let 'em have it!
Lovely but useless.
Did you drink the magic potion?!
Maybe. I mean, only a little.
Hop! Hop!
- Ah...!
- And... whoop!
What are you doing?
- Hmm.
- Ah...
There you go. Beautiful.
But this time, I dare you
to tell me it's useless.
Watch out here I come
You spin me right round baby
Right round like a record
baby Right round round round
You spin me right round baby
Right round like a record baby
Right round round round
Right round...
Now, boyos, take a good look
at this brand-new ship.
Behold! It is the symbol
of our new lease on life.
Now, some of you may have
expressed the occasional...
Come on!
Hey! Far out!
The potion's still going strong!
For the time being.
It'll soon wear off, Roman.
Mine's been wearing off for ages and, as you
can see, I'm still flying high as a kite.
- (SCREAMING) - Hit-club city!
- Tofungus, simmer down.
So what's up,
you big tub of lard?
No more of that tough talk
from Mr. Big Boy Babykins?
Oh, yakety-yakked out, are we?
How's about I show you
who's the man?!
Hmm? Guess it's worn off now.
Well, best things come to an end
and all that...
Alright, about time we got home.
Well, why don't I just...
come along with you, then?
You're a decent-enough boy,
my dear Cholerix.
But if I were you, I'd start everything
over, right from the beginning.
Well, uh, no, I didn't bring
back the potion, O Caesar.
And the druids vanished
into the blue.
Now, about that village,
that's a bit of a shame, really.
And we were so close. I mean,
we were about this...
I mean, literally this close, but no go.
Long story short,
they have their potion,
still resisting the invaders.
But what can you do?
And so on and so forth.
The proverbial song
remains the same.
That's the way the empire...
The burden of responsibility resting upon
the shoulders of the chief is considerable.
And that there
is what made me understand
that my career as a vocalisto was
tremendously useful as a background...
While we're talking,
didn't we use to bash you
- over the head with an iron?
- We did.
- So how does that thing work?
- Little Pectin put it together for me.
I just fasten my husband
on this side. Simple.
Then I can reel him in. There you go.
The rope never drags.
My dear Getafix... (HICCUPPING)
I speak for the whole village
when I say that we are worthless
without your magic potion.
And your magic potion
is worthless without you.
My dearest Vitalstatistix,
my dearest friends,
most definitely
the magic potion and myself
are both worthless without you.
(ALL): Hurrah! (CHEERING)
What's this, Pectin?
You don't look so happy.
I just can't forget.
- Can't forget what?
- The formula for the potion.
I try and I try,
but I just can't!
- Do you really try your best?
- Yes, I do.
I know I'm not supposed
to remember,
and I don't want to remember,
'cause it's much too dangerous.
Only you should have
that knowledge.
Don't worry about it, Pectin.
In due time, I can promise you
that you'll end up forgetting.
- Sure?
- Quite.
- You're it!
Then again...
There. Done. (CHEERING)