At War with the Army (1950) Movie Script

War. Total war. A struggle for
In this era of force and
...historians will argue. What was
the most influential factor.
What was the most deadly
instrument? The most deadly weapon?
Was it the overwhelming manpower?
Was it the blistering fire of the burning rockets?
Was it the thundering mail from
heaven? The bombs, the blockbusters?
Was it the lightening like descention of
the silent parachute?
Was it the whithering stutter of the
light machine-gun?
Or the spectacle from the
command troops?
Was it the big jaggonat of the patton tanks?
Was it the flame-thrower?
Or was it the screaming anger of faster
than sound, quicker than this: the B-2 rocket?
No! It was none of these things.
The most effective, the most deadly....
The most terrifying weapon of all
time was.
Yes, you're right. The sergeant's
All right you guys, now I'm gonna
tell you something.
The adjutant is coming, see? And
as usual the Colonel ain't very happy.
And I ain't very happy either. Look at this joint.
It looks like Coney Island on a Monday morning.
- Hi Serg,
- Have you seen Corwin?
Yeah, I seen him, but I couldn't take him so
I sent him over to the mess hall. He's on KP.
- Okay, take them away.
- Right Serg.
All right my friends. I want you fall out, spread out,
and pick up everything that ain't growing or nailed down.
Let's go. Give us some food.
Come on, come on!
let's have it.
- What are they gripping about?
- Well, they've got to eat them.
Well, I've got to cook them.
Let's get out of here, it the
- What do you think you're cooking
around here? - Beans?
Oh shut up! You've been getting away with murder,
and it's got to stop. Understand? Shut up!
Just because we were friends before and used
to work together, I've been covering up for you.
That's gotta stop too. Do you
understand? Shut up!
get your pack and everything that goes with it. I
want to see you down front in 5 mins. Understand?
Shut up!
You're going to go on a long, long journey
and you may not be back this way. Understand?
Shut up!
Get to packing, everything goes with
it, be down there in 5 minutes. SHUT UP!
Going on a long, long trip, might not
be there when you're finished. SHUT UP!
It'll go under AR 605/300..
before the CO can get it un 104 and
Now the record goes on WVA 20
and 24.
He could be eligible for a 615/360.
Section 7, paragraph 49.
Oh sure, I get it.
Sure and an MR19-2 and the profile
Oh boy, I ain't in the army, I'm back
in the numbers racket.
Here's the mail Corporal.
Well, guess I'll take another crack at
that bandit. Do you think it will work?
Should. There was a guy in here a
while ago who fixed it.
about time.
How do you like that? Now you
don't even get the nickel back.
Creepy army. I asked for a transfer again and
they throw me right out of Italian headquarters.
Shawnessy, how many times do I have
to tell you that this ain't a day room.
- Got a cigarette?
- Yeah, here.
- Tell Sergeant McWell I want to see
him right away. - Right!
- Is Miller in?
- Yeah.
Hey Miller, what do you think we've
got here, midgets?
Captain, what about this training
film here tomorrow morning?
Oh yes.....that begins at 7 o'clock.
The theater is 2 blocks away so I
think we'd better fall out at 6:35.
They'll want us in front of ltalian
Not later than 6:25.
In that case Davenport, have the
men lined up and ready to go
- Roger. I take care of that Sir. Right away.
Oh Liuftanant! One more thing ...
make sure ...
look what they gave Miller to issue
to every men in the company.
Bulletprrof underwear. Know that means dont you..
- Sure .. South Pacific.
- Serg!
- As you are.
Serg we have a special movie tomorrow morning
I want the men in uniform ..
and ready to fall out at 10 minutes past six.
- Yes Sir.
Just one more thing Sergant.
Just to make sure
You better have men to fall out five mins past six.
- Yes Sir.
Serg, that guy is lost again.
Well, you'd better find him.
- Right Serg.
Hey, you see them lights? You see
that sign?
Let's be turning them off.
Sergeant McWeel, we've got to see
the work, don't we?
Well, what if Colonel Davis comes?
He don't like lights on in the daytime.
Another thing McWell, the company
has an early formation tomorrow and
you'd better have those men fall out
at 5 minutes before 6.
- 5 minutes before 6 huh?
- Yeah.
I tell you, I've got some names here
that are cock-a-may-mes.
...Rodowsky. ..Smellywesh...
Why don't we pull them out early,
say 5:45 huh?
- Okay.
- Right Serg.
Some day this guy is going to blow
his brains out.
If you ask me, he's already done it.
Yes sir. Yes Captain.
Yes sir!
See the first Sergeant in the other
Go around the outside. Through
that door.
That door.
I said that door.
Got a cigarette? No, I quit.
- Can't afford it.
There you are. Where've you
Fine looking specimen you are.
Get over there. Look at you! Look at this!
Fix the helmet. Now get out on the parade
grounds. Ten times round. Double time. Understand?
Then come back here. I've got
plans for you.
Go on, get the lead out of your
Wait a minute. Come here.
Got a cigarette?
- I've been arguing with him again.
- Oh yeah?
I don't dig this army at all. I want
....I stay here. The guys that want
to stay here, get overseas.
- You forget, there's a war on.
- Yeah, but what do we get to do about it?
When I was civilan, we had something going every
min. Singing, dancing, working in nightclubs.
I join the army, I sit on my hands.
I'm hungry. Think I'll inspect the
mess hall.
- Hi ya Serg. Been waiting up for me?
- How come you're late Edwards?
I was drunk. I don't blame you. With a
kisser like that, I'd be loaded all the time.
- Thank-you.
- You're welcome, now go to barracks Edwards,
get into your fatigues and report back here.
And if you have any social engagements,
call your secretary and have her cancel them.
Sergeant's real brave today.
I get any mail?
Sure took you a long time to sober up.
took me a long time to get drunk.
My new girl had a date with another
Joe last night.
What's the matter, losing your
Does that look like I'm losing my appeal?
Wow! Very tasty.
-Is Sergeant Puccinelli in?
- No, he's out.
What did you want to see him
It's of a rather personal nature.
- Would you like to leave a message.
- Yes, just tell him Nelly was here.
I'll be back in 10 minutes.
On second thought, do you mind if I
sit here and wait for a while.
- Oh no, go right ahead.
- Thanks.
Clark, do you have that field....
I want four copies of this Clark, it is
to go to the ad agent.
- But sir, I did this yesterday.
- Oh you did?
Yes sir.
So you did. Well, I want one more
Yes, sir.
You know, it takes fantastic
amount of paperwork to administer
even little tank company, such as we have here.
Are you ready Ernie?
Not yet dear. I'll be right with you.
I've decided we can do without
another copy of this.
- That's our commanding officer.
- Which one?
Who in the company is that girl
married to?
I don't know dear . Shall we call the
Now darling, don't get testy.
just happen to know that she's the tidiess little girl,
she works on the post, she has calcium deficiency,
...and she's expecting.
- Expecting?
- Yes, and don't ask me what she's expecting.
Where in the world did you uncover
all of this, Mrs. Shelock Holmes?
At the clinic yesterday.
I was there for my cold shot and
one of the nurses told me about her.
Say, I just remembered, there's
been a mix-up in the OD roster.
- I know.
- I may get it.
No you won't. Lt. Tourrey is stuck
as officer of the day.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
Sally Pearson told me, that the adjutant's wife
told her, that the adjutant said so at noon.
Oh well, if Sally said so, that settles it.
How are you getting along with
Colonel Davis?
Well, that depends. How are you
getting along with Mrs. Davis?
That woman! She's so rank-
How soon will you be ready to leave?
Why don't you go to the club and
wait. I have a lot of papers to sign.
-Can't someone else sign those?
- I'm the only one.
The United States Army has high
regard for my signature.
I wish The First National Bank did.
Where'd you get these clothes
- Quarter master sir.
- Why didn't you get a shipping ticket
when you got these clothes?
I don't know sir. Maybe they weren't
paying attention when I drew the issue?
Then this is stolen goods.
No sir.
I think I'll have to have a look at
army regulations.
But Lt. Davenport, don't you trust me?
This is no way to run a business.
Carry on.
He's going to tell me how to run a
He used to be a soda-jerk. He just
ran out of soda.
- I got to see the First Sergeant.
- Hi ya kid. I see you're still wearing your old hat.
You leave me alone. I got troubles.
In the army? You got troubles?
Yeah, and I gotta see the First
Sergeant right away! It's important.
Take it easy...
Don't tell me how to take it. I got to
get a three-day pass.
Last guy in the army that got a
three-day pass, was Sergeant York.
Yeah, well I don't care. I got to see
my wife. It's an emergency.
I've had emergencies, but could I
get a pass?
Bet you were never having a baby.
Kid, I've never even
had my appendics out.
- Corwin!
-Yes sir.
- Did you do those penalty tours?
-Yes Corporal.
- Did you report to the drill
Sergeant? - Yes Corporal.
- Did you report to the mess
Sergeant? - Yes Corporal.
Boy, if I ever get overseas, the first
thing I'm gonna do is surrender.
Concentration camps have got to
be better than this.
What crumby coffee. Why I
wouldn't wash my......
Hey! It's here, the shipping order.
-Came while you were out.
-Now watch me get out of this hole.
- Hey Serg, I wanna....
- What do you want?
- Nothing. I just thought that maybe I....
- Get out of my way. Can't you see I'm busy?
Captain Caldwell, I've just seen the shipping
orders and I have just the man for you sir.
Good. Who is he?
Me! First Sergeant Victor
Don't be foolish Sergeant.
This call is only for Privates and PFC's. You'd
better make up your mind, you're staying here.
- I've seen.....
- I won't argue that point.
Now, about this shipment. We can't
be expected to cripple ourselves, so.....
....don't send anyone who is useful.
How about that kid that never
doesn anything right?
- You mean Corwin?
- That's the one.
He's right out here now sir.
Maybe Eisenhower can do
something with him.
Yes sir.
- I want to see you.
- I've been wanting to see you too Vic.
I wanted to know if....
Get you hands off my desk and call
me Sergeant.
- Can't you stand up?
- Yes Sergeant.
I just wanted to know if I could get a
three-day pass.
What'd you say?
I want to know if I can get a three-
day pass?
Did you get permission from your
platoon Sergeant to come in here?
No, Sergeant, but I....
How many times must I tell you that
in the army you gotta go through channels.
Yeah, but this is an emergency and
if I go through the section leader
and the platoon sergeant and you
and the C.O.and everbody else in channel, ... kid will be old enough to be
drafted himself.
Very funny.
I can't be giving you a three-day
pass every week.
You just came off one.
That's not true. I haven't been on
one in a long time.
And if my wife forgets what I look
like, you'll be responsible.
You should get that lucky. We'll see
about it when the time comes.
- You heard me.
- Yes Sergeant.
- Aren't we going to rehearse our
act for the show? - Oh get going.
Wait a minute. Come here.
How come you didn't shave today?
I didn't know I was suppose to. I didn't
shave yesterday and nobody said nothing.
Get out of here.
You didn't always used to treat me
like this.
Oh stop mumbling.
you didn't always used to treat me
like this, that's what I said, so there so.
- Are you going to start that again?
-Yes, I am.
You're suppose to be my friend. We lived
on the same block, in the same city.
And you know what you promised
my mother.
Stop hitting my desk. And what did
I promise your mother?
That no one would harm a hair on
my head.
You mean both heads.
Ho, ho! That's rich!
Oh quiet pea-head. Just cause we
were friends before...
Friends before is right.
Anything to do with now .
I have a responsibility and you're
part of it.
I'm warning you, you're driving me
That's no drive, that's a short putt.
Ah what do you want? Special
No, I just want to remember you as the best
man at my wedding. You're not kidding.
We were buddies, and we wrote
songs, and we dansed and we sang together.
And you still owe me 8 dollars and
75 cents, since before the war.
And we was friends and family. We
was just like brother and sister.
And what happens? Along comes crumby little war
clip-clap, you turn into Dr. Jerkyll and Mr. Clyde.
What is it with you anyhow?
- Alright. ..Alright. ..
- Alright ..Alright. ..Big man!
Couple of stinking stripes. Big deal!
- Go home and wash your face.
- Go home and wash your face.
Big deal. Look at him, General
Get out of here.
What's the matter with Einstein?
He thinks I bombed Pearl Harbour.
When Edwards comes back, tell
him he's being shipped out.
- Say, there was a Nelly here
looking for you. - Millie?
Wonder what she wants? Oh,
what's the date?
- The 29th.
- That's it! Tomorrow is the anniversary of our first alert.
Alert? This office has never been
I know it. I just used it as a gag.
You know the first time I saw Nelly,
she looked real good to me.
-But all I got was ice-cubes.
- So?
-So I told her we were being
alerted. - So?
So she let me kiss her.
- So, I took her out a few more
times. - So?
- So, she let me kiss her a few more
times. - What's wrong with that?
Nothing, expect one day she started to
talk and I found out how dumb she was.
You know that dame is really 60
cents short.
Not only that. She got on a getting-
married kick.
What is it with these dames? They
all want to get married?
I know a lot of nice people that
aren't married.
Then one night I took her out....
Yes sir! Yes sir! Right sir!
After you tell Edwards he's being
shipped out, send him into Miller.. have his supply record checked
out. Right.
Hello! You're that cute Corporal that
was here when I came before, aren't you?
Yes, but the Sergeant still isn't in.
I don't suppose you know if he's going
to stay in camp tonight or tomorrow night?
- No you see, we never know when
we're going to be alerted. - I know.
Ours is not the reason why. Ours is
to do or die.
That's cute.
Look, why don't you write him a
Write him? Well, you do it.
Just say: I'll be back at 6:45 when I
get off from work.
And put down it's important.
And if I don't see him, there might
be trouble.
Okay. If I see him. You know, he's
not the easiest guy in the world to locate.
Don't I know it.
Well, I have to get back to the PX.
We're terribly busy today, we're closed.
Closed for inventory.
Well, they did it again.
The adjutant just stuck me with
Officer of the Day.
- I know.
- You know?
- Well, why didn't you tell me?
- My wife just told me.
Did she also mention when the war
would be over?
She doesn't tell me everything she
- Clark?
- It's okay. She's gone.
What Millie have to say?
She left you a note. She said she'd
be back 6:45.
Come in.
- But Sergeant!
- Have you got permission to come in here?
- No.
- Well get out.
They think all I have to do around here is
hand out passes. Now, what was I talking about?
Nelly. She said if she doesn't see
you tonight, there's going to be trouble.
I'd better catch the first bus into town.
- Hey Corporal. Would you know where I can...
- Hey! Douse them lights. The Colonel's coming.
The offices too.
Hey! Oh, I'm sorry sir, but the Colonel
is coming and you know how he feels
about lights burning in the daytime.
- And you know how I feel about it.
- Yes, I do sir.
- All clear.
- Okay, turn them on.
Hey, where's Corwin?
He's been running in and out of here
all day long, and if it keeps up,
we're going to have to put in a revolving door.
Does he got permission to skip training?
No and you'd better find him and
we'll send him to the CO.
Right Serg!
And another thing. Edwards and
these guys are shipping overseas.
Come in.
Come in.
- Get out of here.
- Come back.
You need to be explaining why you
haven't been in no classes this afternoon.
- I've been looking all over for you Mc Vie.
- Oh, you've been looking for me huh?
Yeah, can I have permission to see
the first Sergeant?
- But I gotta see him.
- You don't gotta see nobody!
I've got a message for the first
Sergeant from battalion headquarters.
- Why didn't you say so?
- He didn't let me.
Corwin, will you never learn?
You know, before you take off on
detail, you gotta tell your platoon Sergeant.
All right! What's the message?
It says you gotta report to the dispensory
in the morning for a physical examination.
Physical!?! Let me see that.
My application went through.
Serg, you need me for anything?
No, take two weeks off.
Wait a minute Serg. Form 38 is
filled out in case of discharge.
- Discharge? What does that mean?
- Oh he's right Sergeant.
According to paragraph 8, article 40-100, 24
hours prior to discharge of an enlisted man,
for reasons other than disability, he
must be examined and form 38 filled out.
They can't do this to me.
- Sergeant!
- What?
When you get home, will you call
my mother?
Get out of here.
I'll refuse. I'll go in and tap his head
with a 4x4.
Captain Corwin, can you tell me
about this? They want to discharge me.
- Now Serg.
- Go ahead and read it for yourself.
Sergeant Goosenelly. Nelly will be......
No, no, no
WDA...Form 30...
Oh calm yourself Sergeant. Your applicatioin
for warrant-officer has come through.
You're being discharged to accept
the appointment as warrant-officer.
Me an officer? Well, that's worse.
- Sergeant.
- Yes sir?
Will you make out tomorrow's
morning report and send it to battalion.
Morning report tonight?
Yes, from now on, they want it in
the night before.
- It's a discharge, so I can become a
warrant-officer. - Congratulations!
Hey what's this deal about me
shipping out?
It's no deal. You're just on a movement.
You'll be leaving in a couple of days.
Look Serg. How about crossing my
name off that list?
You know, I've got a new girl in town
and we're pretty serious.
- That's very touching.
- Listen, I've got to see my girl.
I've seen the girls you go with.
You'll do better where you are going.
Yeah? Well, I've seen your type too.
Well, why don't you drop down to
Realdo theater sometime?
- Renaldo?
- Yeah, the new red-headed usher.
- Helen?
- Yeah, that's right.
Well I'm a dirty, low-down, no-
You win that argument. Go ahead,
start another one.
You're cutting in on me. I go with
-You went with Helen.
- Now I see why I'm on shipment.
You're pulling your rank on me.
Don't do it Serg. 96 article of war .
Sock him and the Captain will bust you.
Put this on the bulletin board.
You can take off wise guy and start
packing. I've got work to do.
- This ain't no poolroom.
- No?
- I could have sworn I just saw an eightball.
- Get out of here.
All right boys. Let's get going.
Come on.
- How long before Miller gets here?
- About 20 minutes.
I'd like to find the joker that spread the
rumor around that I'm already a warrant-officer.
Every time I walk into the barracks
some nitwick shout Attention!
Okay you lucky people. You can get ready
and go to town now . I'm ready to take over.
Take that junk into the Captain's
And take that with you!
Hey Corwin, give me a hand will
Well I guess that wraps things up
Clark. Go on, get home to the little woman.
Thanks Serg! See you in the
I'll be back in a minute. Hey Corwin.
Don't forget you have to polish up outside too.
Hey Shawnessay. Some dame might drop
in here asking for me,
so tell her I'm out running the obstacle course.
- Okay.
You know Shawnessay, I kind of
wish Mc Vie would cut this throat.
How could he blow his whistle?
You know, some people say when
you get in the army, you get used to it.
But they don't say how long it takes,
and I ain't getting any younger.
- You know something Corwin?
- Hey Corporal!
I guess I'll get me a couple of
- So, going to wet your whistle eh?
- You bet.
Come on, let's be hurrying.
Hey, there's something you missed.
Let's be getting on the ball.
Yeah, but nobody can see up there
That don't make no difference!
It's awful sloppy around here.
You gotta be neat.
You gotta be tidy.
Cause if we ain't, somebody's
gonna get it.
This army ain't just a place to have
fun you know.
Well, if anybody asks for me, I'm
painting the town.
And when I'm painting the town..
..I'm painting the town.
Big man.
Gotta be neat.
Gotta be tidy.
Here's something you missed.
Let's be getting on the ball.
Yeah, but Sergeant, nobody can
see tthat.
That don't make no difference!
If anybody asks for me, I'll be out
painting the town.
And when I paint the town...
...I'm painting the town.
Take it easy son.
Why does that Mc Vie have to be in
the army? Why couldn't he be in the navy?
I can't sleep in the afternoon on
account of that guy.
Why don't you take a poke at him?
Me take a poke at Sergeant Mc Vie?
You know what they'd do to me?
What can they do to you? There's
nothing lower than what you are now.
Look, in the regualtions, it says that
you can challenge anybody in the army.
If you think they're taking advantage of
you, ask them to put the gloves on with you.
You mean I could sock Sergeant Mc Vie
in the nose and nobody would say nothing?
- What if he hit me first?
- But you don't let him.
You see it's a matter of science lad.
Come here, I'll show you.
Strike a pose.
See first you gotta take a style.
John L. Sullivan.
No, that's not for you.
Wait a minute. The Jack Dempsey
That's better. You're a killer!
Get low! Lower , lower.
Hey I got it. Come here.
Toni Cassaneri. That's it.
He was a ballet dancer.
Oh no. Look, you gotta have
rhythm. Watch.
Corwin. Come here.
- What are you doing?
- I'm training.
For what?
- I'm going to put the gloves on with
Sergeant Mc Vie. - Mc Vie?
Yeah, I'm going to jab his head off.
Where do you want the body sent?
- Send it to Mc Vie's parents.
-Your body!
Go on, get in and finish the rest of
your work.
- Vic.
- No!
Can't I just talk to you for a minute?
All right. What do you want now?
- Remember that song we wrote together?
- Yeah, what about it?
Well, we got a telegram fromt he
music publisher and he...
..wants us to put the song on a
record and send it to him right away.
Go ahead and make a record of it.
No, I want you should record it.
Get Bing Crosby.
I like you better.
Oh you don't have to fight Mc Vie.
You're punchy already.
Why? Just cause I like you better?
At least you could do, is show a
little consideration for me.
Sure, I know you're a sergeant and
I'm only a private.
At least you could do, is be a little
All right. I love you, I'm your friend.
What do you want me to do?
If you never ever give me a pass again, I don't
care. Just take this song into town tonight.
You know that place where you put
a quarter in the machine...
...instead of writing home to your
mother, you send your voice on a record.
- Here's a quarter.
- But I got a date.
So what? Take your date to the
recording booth with you.
Might be a little warm, might be a
little fun.
All right. I'll record it.
I'll be seeing you.
Come in.
Oh hello.
Hello. Is Sergeant Puccinelli in?
- Oh no, he out on a bizzwhack.
- Oh that's a shame. How'd it happen?
Say, haven't I seen you someplace
You might have seen me at the PX.
Number 10. I used to sell beer.
But I asked to be transfered to the
candy counter.
What happened? Did you get
- Good-evening Corporal.
- Oh hi.
Aren't you going to introduce us?
Private Edwards meet a friend.
Friend, meet Private Edwards.
Your name's Millie, isn't it?
Millie doesn't look it, but she just
switched from beer to candy.
Would you like to take your break
now Corporal?
Glad to have met you.
Oh thank-you. If you want
anything, just ring for the bellboy.
He's nice, isn't he?
- Do you think Cutie will be here tonight?
- Cutie? Do you mean Puccinelli?`
No, I don't think he can make it.
But anything you want to tell him,
why you can tell me.
What's your name? The charge of quarters
was so crazy when he introduced us... all that I remember is that you're
a friend of his.
U.S. That's cute. Monogrammed
My name is Caldwell. Private Ernie
I was just thinking that if you're not
doing anything tomorrow night..
Oh tomorrow night.
Don't you know enough to knock
before you come into a room?
Gee whis. I was just down at the PX and I thought that Corporal Shawnessay would like some ic
e- cream.
Set it on the desk. I'll see that he
gets it.
The spoon's inside.
We'll keep this between the two of us.
You don't got to worry about me.
I'm no snitcher.
Got a cigarette?
Corporal I've got to get into town
right away. Can I get a pass?
Are you nuts? You're restricted.
But the fellas forgot the music. I've
got to have a pass.
Nothing doing.
Corporal it's a matter of life and
Nothing doing.
Can you sing Melancholy Baby?
- No!
- That's okay, I'm glad.
I hate that Melancholy Baby.
I beg your pardon, did you see..
I beg your pardon. Oh never mind.
Hey Charlie. What was that?
I don't know Serg.
Excuse me..
I beg your pardon.
Did you see what I saw?
Here's a light.
What'll you have?
Creme d'cassise.
Creme d'cassise?
Excuse me little lady. How about a
little drink? Please!
-Hey, can you sing Melancholy Baby?
- Bartender!
All right Romeo.
I'm just buying a little drink for
Melancholy Baby.
You've had enough Serg.
I ain't going to stop drinking, until
she starts looking good to me.
You're the first dame I ever met..
..who didn't remind of any other
dame I ever met.
Bartender, How much
do I owe you?
A half a buck.
- Thank-you.
- Thank-you! You've been very nice.
-What were you saying?
- How about singing a little song?
A little song for soldier? Would you
like ah...
good-night song? Or a...
...children's song? Or a
..foolish song?
Oh I'm awfully sorry.
- Will you play this please?
- Oh sure.
-It's me Alvin.
- Alvin? What on earth are you doing in that outfit? Are you nuts?
- Me nuts?
- You guys ran off and forgot the music.
What if you get caught?
Never mind. Get Puc in recording booth. We got
to have those records first thing in the morning.
He's over there.
- Now as I was saying.
- Yes Vic?
Helen, you look so wonderful tonight. Could
I interest you in a slightly used kiss?
Now what do you guys want?
We had to go back to camp. We
forgot the music.
Well don't bother me. Give it to
Sam at the piano.
Okay Serg.
- What's the matter Vic?
- Oh nothing. Just one of those things.
Come on. What is it?
- I didn't want to tell you...
- But what?
- We're being alerted.
But Vic.
Well what am I going to do when
you're gone?
Why Helen, are you going to miss
me that much?
Sure Vic.
This might sound a little hokey, but I
wrote a song....
..and I would like to make a record
of it, just for you.
Oh Vic. That's nice.
Would you mind stepping into the
booth while I record it?
I'd love to.
All right Corwin. What are you doing?
Are you going to make this your life's work?
What do you want ? Why don't you worry what
you doing and I'll worry about what I'm doing...
I never made this stuff before in my life.
When those guys are ready, I'll give it my all.
Worry about your doing, I'll worry about I'm
doing, I've never done anything this before in life.
Good boy Corwin, good boy. Now
let's got down to the dispensary.
The what, the where?
little old dispensary. We're going to take little
old arm, we're going to roll up little old sleeve...
then we'll get the little old needle
and give you a little old shot...
and it aint' going to hurt a little old
bit. Come on.
- You sure it ain't going to hurt?
- No it won't hurt you a bit. Come on.
Good boy, go ahead.
Believe me, you won't even feel the little old
I won't feel the little old needle?
- Noooo, won't even hurt you a little bit?
- Won't even hurt me a little bit?
- Is it a square needle?
- Round needle.
Now just relax.
Roll up your sleeve.
Think of something pleasant.
You're eating ice-cream.
You're dancing with a beautiful,
beautiful girl.
You're sleeping in a white dreamy bed.
I didn't bet to the last part.
Now that didn't hurt a bit, did it?
How do you feel?
Feel good? Okay. Come on, let's
- Does this finish up your maleria shots?
- Yes Corporal.
- And me too.
- Here take this note into the mess sergeant.
How do you feel?
- You said it wouldn't hurt me.
- You'll live.
That's what I'm afraid of.
- Good-morning Corporal.
- Good-morning Captain.
As you were.
Puccinelli, I talked to Colonel Davies and he
is going to put you on that overseas movement.
That's swell Captain.
Coporal Clark tell you about the
army woman that was in army room yesterday?
Yes sir.
She's having trouble locating some
man in the company.
And I want you to find the man.
Yes sir. I'll try, but it won't be easy.
She could make things nasty, if she
got to the Colonel.
- Will you take care of it?
- I'll do my best sir.
Good! As soon as you find the
man, I want to see him.
Yes sir.
How do you like that? Now I'm in
charge of domestic relations.
Even that little old alert gag I pulled
on Millie just to kiss her a few times...
Hey douse them lights. The
Colonel is coming by.
Sarg Puccinelli, I'd like to see your
copy of the master training schedule
It's supposed to be posted
on the bulletin board Yes Sir
Clark, show the Colonel
how we posted the schedule
- It's here sir.
- I can't see it.
It's, it's......I'm sure I put it here
Well it doesn't seem to be here now.
I think it's in the other room Colonel.
- What was that?
- I think it's in the other room.
-Good-morning Colonel.
- Good-morning Caldwell
We can't seem to find a copy of that
master training schedule.
It should be posted in every orderly
It's probably there sir.
- No it isn't on that board.
- I can't understand why it isn't up.
Here it is.
I hope it looks better than your
orderly room.
Sergeant Puccinelli.
Open that door!
I hope someday to see a copy of
that master training schedule.
We found it sir. It was posted under SOP.
Ah yes. Well no wonder I didn't see
it. It's too dark in here.
Turn on those lights.
Here's the envelope from ltalian.
- So you're really going to ship me out?
- That's right.
Well "Cutie". I had a nice little talk
last night with Millie and...
And I'll give you the rest of the day
to get my name off that list.
Don't threaten me. Out!
Wait a minute.
It's a pleasure.
Here's a telegram for Corwin. Give
it to him in the messhall.
Sergeant Puccinelli.
Colonel Davies is going to inspect
the supply room.
-And following that, the messhall.
-Yes sir.
- Miller!
- Yeah?
- The Colonel is going to inspect in
a minute. - Oh no Serg!
Ditch this for me.
Where am I going to hide this? A
long one for Louie.
It's all right. We're part of the
Captain, what's gotten into this
- Well a few things have gone wrong sir.
-A few things?
Captain I have never....
- What was that?
- Sounds like the messhall.
- Signal's over.
- What's the meaning of this?
Sergeant Puccinelli, what's going
on here?
What's that whistle? Is there a fire?
What is it?
It's a baby. Vic look! It's a little
Look when we first married, we
didn't think we'd have any, then...
we got a little....COLONEL!
Colonel said this is the most
outrageous company he's ever seen.
He's cancelled you off that shipping
- You mean I can't go overseas?
- That's right.
Here it is in writing.
I'm sorry sir. Yes sir.
How do you like that?
Five years in this man's army. Five
years and the day before I go on shipping...
I get caught in this filthy machinary.
What's the first class this
afternoon? Calisthenics.
Of fine, that's all I need. There's got
to be an easier way to make a living.
I'm afraid this little number will keep
us busy for a week.
- Oh good-afternoon Mrs. Caldwell.
- Good-afternoon.
How soon will you be ready?
Well, well, well. All dressed up to
go places, I see.
I'm afraid for once in my life, I have
a surprise for you.
It seems without consulting you..
the Colonel has given B-company officers a special
problem which will undoubtly take all night to do.
What kind of problem?
We have to identify a number of
South Pacific islands by their topography.
- Sally said you wouldn't get that till
Then you must have done something to anger
Sally, because she gave it to us today.
Well I'll tell her a thing or two..
I might have come out without the
The answers?
I've got them right here,
some place.
Here you are.
Munich, Straussberg, these aren't
the answers.
Oh, that's C-company.
Here's yours.
Ero, colsoe, Dagora......
If I thought there was another
woman like Dorthy on this earth...
..I'd tell you to get married at once.
I'm certainly glad you appreciate me.
Well, I've got a few things to pick up at the PX. And
I'll be back to pick you up in exactly 20 minutes.
I'd better give this to Captain
Conner in C-company.
At ease men.
- That Mc Vie. He wants another good-conduct ribbon.
- How does he lose so many?
I don't know . He gets plastered and
deal them out like fraternity pins.
Hey, the Colonel is checking
- I beg your pardon sir.
- Yes, what is it?
Colonel is checking orderly rooms...
- Sergeant Miller on duty sir.
- Where is Segeant Puccinelli?
With the company, taking calisthenics
sir. Shall I get him for you sir?
No, the exercise will be good for him.
Yes sir.
- Miller. ..
- Yes sir?
At ease. What's the name of that
Sergeant, the one with the whistle?
Oh you mean Mc Vie sir.
I want you find Mc Vie immediately. Tell him to get
entire outfit on obstacle course in 10 min.
Yes sir!
Hey Corwin.
Come on let's go. Head's down.
Come on you guys, keep it moving.
I want to hear them helmets. Keep moving.
All right, come on. Come out fresh,
keep moving.
Hey Corwin, come out. You're beginning
to fall back. Let's get out of there.
All right come on, keep crawling.
All right let's go. Stay with it.
Come on let's go. You're holding it
up there.
Come on Corwin, let's go. You're holding
up the detail. All the guys are waiting.
On this side Corwin, are you crazy?
On this side! Stay here now!
Come on, you can do it.
Taken like a bird.
- Yes Serg?
- You've got to stop this clowning.
All right you guys, keep it low.
What happened to Corwin?
Okay, let's go. You're holding it up.
Look alive there.
All right you guys. Come on now,
come on.
Keep moving. What are you doing
up there? Mailing letters?
Hey Corwin you all right?
Water! Get some water! Hurry up!
Here you are Serg. What do I do
with it?
Let him have it.
Wait a second. Now take it easy.
Come on. You all right Corwin?
Well I'm glad to see that they finally
fixed that soft drink machine.
Well, I think I'll go in there and take
care of that supply sergeant now.
You know, he turns the same
articles in for salvage over and over again.
You'd think he was going to open up
and army and navy store.
As you were.
-Sergeant Miller?
- Yes Sergeant?
- Hey where's Sergeant Puccinelli?
- I don't know.
Boy he's sure in trouble again.
The Colonel's after him, the
Captain's after him and Millie's after him.
I wouldn't trade places with him with
14 points.
I see that you took care of that
supply situation to your satisfation.
Yes sir!
I don't think we'll have anymore
trouble with Sergeant Miller.
Boy that was close! The Colonel
almost had me that time.
- Got a cigarette.
- Yeah, sure Serg. Here, roll your own.
That'll be all Sergeant Miller.
What's Miller featuring today?
- 40. medium?
- Yep.
Yes sir?
Have you made any progress
finding out about that girl?
- What girl? - The one who was
in the orderly room yesterday.
Oh yes sir. I have a hunch sir.
I want to see that man as soon as
Yes sir.
- Hey where's Corwin?
- He's in the rec hall rehearsing.
Rehearsing for what? How to
become a mental case?
- Okay, come on, let's go.
- Where?
- To see Captain Caldwell.
- What'd I do now?
- You'll find out and I'm delivering
you C.O.D. - What about the number?
- What number?
- You promised Pokey you'd do it.
Well tell him to get with it, but hurry up.
All right, go ahead, ask him.
But watch how you ask him. In a
nice way. Use a little diplomacy.
You say: Pokey, will you play a
song for Vic and I, we're going to dance.
Cause you and me Alvin. We're going together
a long, long time. You and me, we're friends right?
So go ahead and ask Pokey. So go ahead
and ask him and I'll wait too. Go ahead.
You say: Pokey, play some music for Vic
and I. Go ahead. What are you waiting for?
I forgot what I was going to ask him now.
Oh yeah! Pokey, will you play this dance
song so that Vic and I can do this together?
- Sure.
- Thanks a heap.
-Old song and dance?
-Old song and dance?
No, the whole band, they should
play it together.
What are you waiting for?
Look buster, I don't do it unless the
Sergeant tells me.
Okay folks.
All right folks, let's quiet down now .
We'd like to present First Sergeant Victor
Puccinelli and Private First Class, Alvin Corwin.
Doing their impression of two great
Well, top of the morning to you
How are you me boy?
I just thought I'd stop over now son,
and let you know that....
I don't knock the idea of you leaving
in St. Dominique's charge.
Well I kind of hate to see you leave
the place too padre.
- I was just wondering if I might ask a wee
bit of a favor son. -Well, go right ahead.
I would love you to sing one of me old Irish
lullabyes. Just once now, before you go.
Now which little lrish lullabye you
thinking about?
The one you did that night I was so sick in bed
son. You remember that one, now don't you lad?
Well, couldn't rightly do it for you tonight Padre,
for I got to have music behind me, you know that.
But I've got a musicbox with me.
Won't you try now son?
- It should be a pleasure to do it for you.
- Just open it wide open.
Sir, would you still like to see the man I spoke
to you about? The one that caused all the trouble.
- Most definetly!
- Yes sir.
Come here.
Private First Class Corwin reporting
sir, as ordered.
At ease.
What's your first name?
- Alvin.
- Alvin?
Yes sir.
Alvin, bringing children into the
world is a solemn matter.
Solemn sir? I didn't think it was so
That's the trouble.
Sometimes we don't realize it until
it's too late.
Now, what do you intend to do
about this matter?
Nothing sir. Everything been done
That's the wrong attitude entirely.
-Aren't you ashamed?
- No sir. I'm very proud.
Yes sir. We wanted a baby, so we
got a baby.
- You wanted a baby?
- Yes sir.
But don't you understand? You
can't let this baby grow up without a name.
I know. We'll think of a name for it.
That's not what I mean.
Now Corwin, listen to me closely.
Do you have any love for this
- Yes sir. I love her very much.
- Then my job should be simple.
I'm going to give you a three-day pass, so that
you can go to this girl and do right by her.
Oh thank-you sir.
But understand, this pass is only to
give this baby a name.
Three-day pass to think of a
I know sir, we'll name it after you.
That's not necessary.
But I'll tell you this: when the baby is born,
I'll see to it that you get an emergency furlow.
But sir I..... No buts about it!
Get into class A uniform.
- Yes sir.
Puccinelli. I've decided to give
Corwin a three-day pass.
Pass? But Captain, after what he
Well I have to give him a pass, so
he can get married.
Get married? What for?
Puccinelli. Is this or is this not the
man who is in trouble?
Sir, yes sir! He's in trouble all right. What
he means is, the baby's already been born.
- Is that right Corwin?
- Ah, yes sir.
Yes mam', yes sergeant.
Oh, that's different. Give me that pass.
- Oh but Captain!
- We'll give you an emergency furlow.
Oh thank-you.
Get this Corwin, you'd better bring
back a marriage certificate.
Oh that's easy. I got one in the
He doesn't mean his own sir. One of
the boys has one tacked up on the wall.
Corwin, you'd better get ready to go.
Yes Sergeant.
- Well I'm off to battalion.
- Sir, do you want me type up furlow papers?
No, I'll have it done at
headquarters. I want to push it right through.
Clark, don't leave me here alone.
- Cutie!
- Millie, what a surprise to see you here.
Well, I've been trying so hard to see you.
Millie, come here.
- Now tell me the truth.
- Are you going to have.... Yes Vic.
Where did you hear?
Where did I hear? Well it's
practilly a coast to coast hook-up.
Look honey. Step into the Captain's
office, just for a minute.
NO! There's too much traffic in there.
Please Millie.
Come in.
Victor Puccinelli. I have a few
questions to ask you.
Helen, listen.
And the first one has to do with
Jack Edwards.
Oh if that's all that's bothering you.
- Listen Cutie.
- Please Millie.
Who was that girl?
Mrs. Caldwell, the Captain's wife.
If you send Jack Edwards out of this camp,
you can consider our relationship at an end.
Oh you wouldn't do that, would you
On the contrary. I'm not sure I'm in love with either
one of you. Well, I want to be fair to you both.
- Now look...
- Good-afternoon Sergeant.
Captain Caldwell, Miss Palmer, I'd
like to have you meet her.
-How do you do?
- How do you do?
Captain, I think you are wanted
down at battalion headquarters.
Can I help you?
Lt. Davenport!
Now wait a minute. Don't mix me
up in this.
- Maybe I'd better leave.
- No! One moment.
You've made a startling recovery,
haven't you?
I don't know what you're talking about.
-Sergeant Puccinelli.
- Yes sir.
There he is. Corwin, come in here.
Sit down young lady.
- Can you explain.... -First Class
Corwin reporting as ordered sir.
Can you kindly explain why this young lady
is sitting here completely recovered...
...and you're about
and you're about to start an
emergency furlow?
Recovered sir? What was wrong
with her?
Don't try to be funny.
I don't understand Captain. I never
saw that woman before last night.
You never saw her before last night?
- No!
- Then why do you think you're getting this furlow?
Cause my wife had a baby.
Your wife had a baby.
Yes sir. Here's a telegram I got.
Well, I think I get this now.
-Do you know him?
- No, but he's cute.
- Here's your furlow.
- Take it and get out. Thank-you Captain. Yes sir.
- And give my love to the baby.
- Yes sir, I will sir. Thank-you Captain. Good-bye.
Now young lady....
Where is everybody? Sergeant
Yes sir.
Do you realize that this whole mess
is still up in the air? Corwin wasn't the man.
He wasn't sir?
I can't understand your attitude lately.
I guess I'll have to take care of this
Give me the company roster with
the physical descriptions of the men.
Yes sir.
Well, I suppose we should introduce
ourselves. I'm Helen Palmer and this is ah....
Captain Caldwell's wife.
And, who are you?
I'm not quite sure.
The Captain would like to see you.
Me? Oh, but I was just in there.
Ernie Caldwell! What's the
meaning of this?
She was introduced to me as your wife.
Now wait a minute.
What do you mean when you said
you had just been in here?
I was just in here. I was here last
night too.
The desk was here, there was a
chair there and over there.....
Now darling, this is an army matter.
This is not your affair.
Now young lady, what's the
meaning of this.
- Captain, I can.....
- Sergeant Puccinelli.
-Ernie Caldwell! Can't you stay
outside until this is settled?
If there's anything going on, I want
to know about it.
Then let's both get outside and I'll
try to explain.
- I don't understand...
- But Captain.
Oh come on Millie, let's get out of here.
But I still don't understand.
Why is everybody picking on me?
Hi ya Cutie! Well honey, what are
you doing here?
I was worried. I came over here to
ask Vic about you going on that shipment.
Oh don't worry. Cutie will see that I
don't go.
Come on, why don't you give up?`
You can't win.
Puccinelli, we have something that
must be settled.
Now just a minute. For 5 years this army
has been deciding things for me to do...
But I'm in the driver's seat this time. I don't
want to be a warrant-officer. I want to go overseas.
I want to get away from everything.
Away from all this.
That sir is something else I'm
deciding. I'm busting myself.
- You can't do that.
- I can't, but you can do it for me. Watch.
- Oh honey.
- Ernie!
- What did you call him?
- Ernie.
- Did he say he was Ernie Caldwell?
- Yes.
- Then there is something.....
- Ladies, please!
Now if you'll just wait dear.
Is he the man you have been going
steady with?
- No, I only met him last night.
- Last night?
Oh I think this whole thing is silly.
Let's get out of here.
Now then Miss. You must have
gone out with another in this company?
Present sir!
So it's you Puccinelli. Well, I'm going
to give you exactly what you asked for.
You'll be reduced to private and
shipped overseas.
Thank-you sir.
And don't think this relieves you of your
responsibilities to this woman you are married to.
- Married to me?
- Now don't deny it.
Oh but he isn't. I'm already
married, to someone else.
John Slaker. Has been since a
week after I broke up with Vic.
Well what have you been looking
for me for?
Because I want to tell you not
to come and
see me tonight, like you
promised 4 months ago.
Before John and I were married.
You won't come, will you?
Holy Toledo, no!
I'm so glad. My husband might not
....he's not very bright and I don't
want to cause any trouble.
Oh well, good-bye and thanks so much.
- Don't think that this will clear you.
-We're still busting you.
Okay, so I'm busted. For once I've
beaten the army.
While all these other guys are
rotting here in the states....
.,...I'll be on the other side and the army
had nothing to do with it. I did it all myself.
- What the devil is that?
- I don't know sir.
It sounds like a special call.
Captain Caldwell. Have you heard the news. All
movements, transfers and furlows have been cancelled.
- Movements cancelled.
- Sure.
Sure, the whole outfit is going
- But darling, why didn't you?
- Sally never told me.
Ernie Caldwell. Step into my office.
You've got a lot of explaining to do.
Let go of me.
Serg, I just caught this man trying to
sneak off the boat.
Don't bother me, I'm out of business.
Sneak off the boat nothing. I've got
a furlow. I've got to see my baby.
-You ain't got no furlow.
- I have!
- No you don't.
- I have!
- All furlows is cancelled.
Right, the whole division is going overseas.
Wait a minute, you too.
That's right. Come on Private Puccinelli.
Join your buddy. Let's be getting on the ball.
- Pick it up.
- Pick what up?
The suitcase.
Private Puccinelli.
I'll take it.
- What?
- The bag.
Nah, come on. I'll take it.