Audience with Ken Dodd, An (1994) Movie Script

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Ken Dodd!
By Jove!
All these beautiful girls! What can l say?
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
You're very... Oh!
Thank you.
First of all, ladies and gentlemen,
my Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress...
My gracious Lord Mayor,
good gracious Lady Mayoress...
First of all, l'd like to say how tickled l am.
How tickled l am. Can you see that?
l'll do it again. This lady seemed to like it.
Put the binoculars away, dear.
You're looking down the wrong end.
At my age, that's all l need!
Ladies, is this the first time
you've seen a Chippendale?
l'd like to say how tickled and...
how completely discomnockerated...
how full of plumptiousness to be here.
An audience with LWT.
LWT - a Long Wait for a Titter.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you're a special audience.
We watched you coming in.
We peeped through the curtains.
We saw you all staggering along
the South Bank, using your inhalers.
Elastic stockings flapping in the breeze.
l stand here now... Can you imagine
what's going through my mind?
What a challenge!
l've seen happier-looking bloodhounds.
lt would be a good idea if all the ugly ones
came down and sit near the front.
You have? Good.
As you know, folks, as a special...
As a special concession,
people with big ears were allowed in half-price.
Congratulations, sir.
Do you know,
l've been looking forward to you all day.
That's the sort of life l live.
At 5am in Knotty Ash, l flung the bedroom
windows open, climbed in. l thought, By Jove!
l thought, What a beautiful day
for doing something wild and sporty.
Like ramming a brush stave up
Nigel Mansell's trousers and saying,
''How's this for pole position?''
What a beautiful day
for taking your clothes off,
strapping your legs round your neck
and shouting,
''How's this for an oven-ready turkey?
Ready when you are, Bernard Matthews.''
What a beautiful day for going up to a kilted
Scotsman standing over a puddle and saying,
''l see it's a full moon again, Jock.''
Just think, we're all gonna spend the next seven
and a half hours listening to stuff like this.
Oh, yes, we are.
Oh, yes, we are.
Oh yes, we are, missus.
You said you could do it when you wrote in.
Time doesn't matter to me.
This is the way l look at it.
Time matters not one jot.
Let's all say that together.
ALL: Time matters not one jot.
l'll ask you again in about six hours' time.
One thing about my shows, folks,
you always go home in the daylight.
This studio's all been computerised.
We've all gone digital. Ooh!
All your statistics and personal details
are noted on this computer.
When you came in through the security...
Hang on, l'll get it for you.
When you came in,
you walked through a security screen.
Did you feel a tingle as you came in, missus?
lt should have gone
right through to your corsets.
You did?
Come and see me after the show.
l'll make sure you're properly earthed.
Here are the computer statistics
of our audience here at LWT.
ln the audience we have seven bricklayers,
six carpet fitters,
two taxi drivers and a double-glazing salesman.
He's over there, talking to himself.
You'll notice you're all wearing bar codes.
Barcodes are those patterns you see stuck
on packets of frozen sprouts.
l'm sorry l looked at you then, Samantha.
Now, what...
What does your barcode tell me, sir?
You, sir. Gentleman there.
You take a size ten in hats.
You have a bunion on your left big toe
and a cocker spaniel called Eric.
Your hobbies are write rude words
on steamed-up car windows
and taking your trainers off in crowded lifts.
lt was your birthday last week and your friends
clubbed together and bought you a bed-warmer.
A 68-year-old chorus girl.
- Are you all in a good mood?
ALL: Yes!
Right now l need your support.
l need the loyal oath.
Can we have the loyal oath, please?
Hands on your hearts.
Hands on your hearts.
Your own heart, if you don't mind, sir.
Everybody now repeat after me.
- We the audience...
- We the audience...
- LWT...
- LWT...
- ..solemnly swear...
- ..solemnly swear...
- ..flippin' heck...
- ..flippin' heck...
- ..that we will never...
- ..that we will never...
- ..repeat or reveal...
- ..repeat or reveal...
..any of the new jokes Ken Dodd might tell us!
Come on, please!
The last time l saw so many stars
was when l banged my head on a mangle.
Our first star question
comes from the lovely Hannah Gordon.
An actress of many parts,
all of them in beautiful condition.
- Hannah Gordon. Are you there, Hannah?
- Yes, l'm here.
Ken, l would like to ask if you came from
a show business background.
Were you a funny child?
Oh, er...
Ladies and gentlemen, when l was a baby...
l'd like to tell you the story of my life,
if you've got five or six hours to spare.
l'll tell you the story of my life. When l was...
l'm gonna say something now...
l'm gonna say something now,
ladies and gentlemen - you'll be flabbergasted.
You'll say, ''My, my! We can hardly believe that.''
l...l wasn't a pretty baby.
''My, my...''
Come on!
Be a bit more convincing, will you?
No, l was plain. l had embroidered on my bib,
''This way up''.
l was an ugly baby, very ugly.
l was the only baby in the street
whose dummy had a 1 2-inch flange.
My father put shutters on my pram.
My dad knew l'd be a comedian.
When l was a baby he said, ''ls this a joke?''
l was a bottle baby.
One day l pushed the cork out and escaped.
Do you know, l could walk at six months old.
My granny opened the front door and said,
''Hop it.''
When they took me out in my pram, people
thought it was a mobile Punch and Judy show.
And that's how l came into show business.
l was with John Hanson in Desert Song.
l was second hump on the camel.
For a while l was Albert Tatlock's stuntman.
At eight l had a flea circus until my mother
stopped me playing with the lad next door.
l'm ready for another question. Here we have
a distinguished British actor of stage and film -
James Fox.
Can l be blunt? No, of course, you were.
No, sorry.
Ken, l've read your ambition is to play
every live theatre in the country.
Do you have a favourite theatre?
Yes, l do. All my theatres...
All theatres are beautiful.
These temples of show business.
ln London there's the Palladium.
There's beautiful theatres in the North -
in Blackpool and Newcastle and Scotland.
ls there anyone in from the North?
- Anyone in from Lancashire?
- Yes!
Well, you'll recognise tripe when you see it.
- Anyone in from Yorkshire?
- Yes!
Notice they all sit near the door
in case there's a collection.
Nowt wrong wi' Yorkshire folk, is there?
Yorkshire born, Yorkshire bred.
Strong in the arm...
As l say...
We have a very distinguished gentleman
in the front row in evening dress and trainers.
Good evening, sir. Are you a professional
gentleman? An architect, surveyor, doctor?
Pardon? A binman. l see.
Could l ask you a personal question?
l wouldn't embarrass you.
What night of the week is your bath night?
What night's your bath night?
- Well...
- Yes?
Most nights, really. Three or four nights a week.
Fella on the front has a bath
three or four nights a week.
Are you in some kind of an institution, sir?
This this Matron?
The lady in the safari jacket
and the Doc Martens.
Why have so many baths?
Whatever you're looking for, you won't find it,
not unless they've got a big nurse.
When you have these three or four baths
a week, sir,
do you have them all over or does she sit you on
the draining board and go as far as your knees?
And when you get out of the bath,
do you have a quick flex?
l bet you do. You're a big lad.
l bet you're up in that bathroom for hours.
ls he, missus?
Eh? For hours? Yes? Posing.
Posing in front of the full-length mirror.
Bragging. Shouting downstairs, ''Gladys!
Gladys! Come and look at this!
Hurry up!
l can't hold it much longer!''
Do you use any male cosmetics?
Any fa-far, fa-foo, fa-fee, fa-fah?
Pledge? Oh, that's good.
She's bound to take a shine to you now.
This is an educational show, you know.
When you leave tonight, you'll say,
''That's taught me a lesson!''
Let's have a question
from my favourite Frenchman.
All l can say is, thank heavens he's English.
From 'Allo 'Allo!, Mr Gordon Kaye.
Ken, with respect, you have a curious mind.
How would you...?
(Shrieks of laughter)
How would you describe your kind of comedy?
Well, er... That's a good question.
Yes. Yes.
l am an optimist. And we have lots of optimists
in the audience tonight.
They booked taxis for eleven o'clock.
l've love to ponder. l'm fond of a ponder.
l ask myself questions; Why does the tomcat
lick itself just as you're having your supper?
Here's another one you won't like. You...
On a Sunday evening, you're in the house,
you've just had your tea. You're full of chunks.
Pardon? Well, all right, then,
Chinese passion fruit.
You're in the house.
You've had a little trifle in the afternoon
and now you're having your tea.
You've bunged in a shovelful of blancmange.
You switch the TV set on and that fella's there -
James Herriot.
Now... Exactly, exactly!
He does the same blessed thing -
where's he getting the cows from?
That's what l'd like to know.
They're can't be that many poorly cows
in Yorkshire, surely?
You're bunging in a shovelful of blancmange
and he's going, ''Come on, my old beauty.''
And an amazed cow is going, ''Moooooo!''
l reckon he deserves a pat on the head for that.
Are there any farmers in tonight?
Any farmers in?
(Sniffs) l thought so. You can always...
You can tell there's farmers in. They show
their wives to their seats - ''Come on, Daisy girl.''
l love anything like that. Anything intellectual
l love. l'm an intellectual entertainer.
lntellectual entertainer.
At one time, only Noel Coward and me
did this stuff.
But once he packed the accordion up,
l was in like a shot.
And l do draw,
rather like a mustard plaster. l do...
(Coughs) When l was a little lad...
Hear my wheeze?
(Wheezes) Terrible.
When l walk down the street, people think
l'm following them with an accordion.
When l was a boy, my old granny
used to stick a mustard plaster on my chest
before l went to school.
lt was embarrassing. The other kids
wiped their ham sandwiches on me.
This is a very intellectual audience here tonight.
ln here tonight there's an lQ of about 1 88.
Between them, of course.
l got some marvellous educational news
last week.
What day was it? lt was Tuesday.
l came downstairs to get the post -
which is a good trick in a bungalow.
l picked it up
and found they'd informed me by letter
that l've won a prize
in the Reader's Digest draw.
No, no. No, no. No, l've nearly won a prize
in the Reader's Digest draw.
Not only that, but my name was specially
selected from all the other people...
You're looking at a person
who's going through to Stage Two.
And l'm going to America with Hoover. Yes, yes.
l may be going to Scunthorpe with Electrolux,
but that isn't confirmed.
lsn't it a marvellous magazine,
the Reader's Digest? A mine of useless...
l love reading the medical articles.
l'm potty at anything medical.
l wasn't always. l used to think a placebo
was a Spanish singer.
Here's one l bet you didn't know.
Did you know a dog whistle is so high,
the human ear can't hear it?
Your dog's in your kitchen now
whistling his head off...
..and you're here in LWT laughing hysterically.
lsh, ish.
l bet when you get back home
your dog'll say to you,
''l've been in the kitchen whistling
my head off...
and you haven't taken a blind bit of notice.
The back door was bolted, so there it is.''
What's that, madam? You're not bothered
cos you've got a cat flap.
Do you mean personally, or at home?
l'll be good for the cats cos that's
how we'll find our way home tonight.
Or tomorrow or whenever this seminar finishes.
Not following a ginger tom. l'm talking about
the cat's-eyes in the centre of the road.
The cat's-eyes in the centre...
This is rather pleasant, this. The cat's-eyes...
A Yorkshireman invented the cat's-eyes,
by accident.
One night, this Yorkshireman, he's driving home
at night in his big posh car, in the dark.
And suddenly in the car's headlamps
he sees these cat's-eyes coming towards him.
Now, had the cat been walking the other way,
he would have invented the pencil sharpener.
Remember where you heard it first.
Because knowledge is power.
Knowledge is power. What is knowledge?
- Have you got the knowledge?
- Yes!
Then you've got the power.
lsn't it wonderful to be in control?
This thing isn't working again here.
We have another brilliant British actor here -
Mr Martin Jarvis.
He was in the film Chariots Of Fire.
He played a wing nut.
His biggest success was in the play
The Barefoot Contessa. He played a verruca.
What's on your mind, Martin, besides libel?
Talking of plays, Ken, you had a success
when you played Malvolio in Twelfth Night.
l wonder, have you any further plans
to appear in straight plays?
Yes, well, you know what's it like.
You can't get the plays, can you?
- Are great plays still being written, Martin?
- Well, there you are.
- We must do it ourselves.
- Why not?
Let's write a play tonight.
We could write a play between us, couldn't we?
We've all the right people. lf we put
our heads together we could make a plank.
Shall l be the hero?
l come from a long line of heroes.
My Uncle Sidney, he had a military bearing,
which he used to juggle
and make the kids laugh with.
(Prolonged laughter)
My Uncle Eustace,
he deserted during the military two-step.
My grandfather had a lot to do with
the relief of Lady Smith.
As a matter of fact,
she invited him back the following night.
- Or shall l be the villain? What do you think?
l could be a villain.
l could do some villainous things, you know.
At the end of the month,
l go to the bottom of the garden,
wait until the tortoise gets there,
then turn it round the other way.
l can do some pretty swinish things.
When it's raining, l love to ask policemen
the time when they're wearing their bike capes.
l close me eyes in wedding photos.
And when l'm at home,
l deliberately leave the seat up.
1 0:30 at night l always get the dog's lead down
from behind the door, and then don't go out.
This play is based on the film Futile Attraction.
You've seen it? Futile Attraction?
There's this woman, she's obsessed by me -
naturally, of course.
l am a matinee idol.
l do very little in the evenings as well.
This woman she's a psychopath.
l realise that when l see her riding her bike
on the pavement.
(Some groans)
Come on, you got in for nothing.
There l am. There l am in the South of France -
Monte Carlo.
Playing dominoes with Prince Rainier.
l say, ''Are you knocking, Your Highness?''
l got back to my beautiful villa.
l'm sitting in bed, in my Austin Reed pyjamas.
Sitting on the water bed. Last night we left it
switched on and we were nearly poached.
l say ''we'' cos now
l have this beautiful, tall French girl.
She's standing on the balcony,
the moonlight is dancing in her hair.
(Posh accent)
The moonlight dancing in her hair.
All right, then, her hurr.
She's wearing a diaphanious nightie.
lt's a fashion term. l got it out of a magazine.
Diaphanious. lt means semi-shufty.
Rather like buying a ham shank at the Co-op
wrapped in mutton cloth.
lt looks very tasty, but you can't quite get at it.
She said, ''l could murder a bowl of cornflakes.''
That's when l realise she's a cereal killer.
Oh, come on.
Let's have another question
from one of my favourite glamour girls tonight.
Mollie Sugden.
lf you had the opportunity
to have a really good part in a feature film...
- Yes.
- ..but it meant taking off your clothes...
- (Laughter)
- ..would you do it?
Well, l do have a good part for that sort
l don't know, Mollie.
You don't watch films like that, do you?
Have you got a satellite dish?
Phwoar! Have you tried Channel 27?
Ha-ha! lt's got ''Channel blocked''.
You can't see them, but you can hear them.
''Oooh! Ah! Eee! Oooh!''
l think they must be lifting a heavy wardrobe.
l saw one of those Continental,
sexy films the other night. lt was a Swedish film.
This couple, this man and this lady
they were wrestling. Well, l think they were.
They were all shiny,
like they'd rubbed themselves with Trex.
so you can understand the plot.
He said,
(Speaks gibberish)
And she said... (High-pitched gibberish)
(Continues speaking gibberish)
And the subtitle comes up on the bottom:
''Can you smell gas in here?''
We have in the audience a gorgeous lady,
renowned for her beauty and brains.
The star of Tomorrow's World -
Miss Carol Vorderman.
Such a brilliant intellect,
she can do Chinese takeaways in her head.
Carol, we both share
the same love of mathematics.
After the show l'll give you a copy of
my new book, Teach Yourself Accountancy,
..based on my personal experiences called
The Mysterious World of Numbers.
l shall read it from back to front.
l'm heavily into science and science fiction,
and not a lot of people know this,
but you once appeared in Doctor Who.
- Doctor Who, yes.
- Are you heavily into science fiction?
Oh, yes. Sci-fi. Yes.
l saw this science-fiction film in our house
the other night. lt was all about an aspronaut.
He shot up into space,
went three times round the galaxy.
He brought the spacecraft back to earth.
He swooped low over the
Bernard Manning Memorial Sewage Farm.
This astronaut he shot up into space.
He looked through the porthole window
and couldn't believe his eyes.
Because he was 1 00 years into the future
and everything on earth had changed.
There were no roadworks on the M6.
Stop it! You're going too far!
Not on the M6, you wouldn't!
Our show this evening is graced
by the presence of a renowned concert artiste.
A star of many platforms - as those of you
who've travelled from King's Cross will know.
Dame Hilda Bracket.
Dame Hilda.
Kenneth dear,
a delight to be able to ask you a question.
Look at me when l'm talking.
Has your voice been strain...trained...
..and did you ever nurture a wish
to go into grand opera?
You'd do so well, dear.
Thank you. Yes, l have had my voice trained.
They put newspapers down for it.
l can cover five octaves.
l've had my legs stretched.
l don't know about opera.
Opera is very confusing.
Opera is where a man gets stabbed,
and instead of bleeding, he sings.
But l like singing.
Singing makes you happy.
And l like happy songs.
And you like happy songs, don't you?
- Yes!
- So, maestro, have you any ''Ha ha'' music?
# Blue Danube Waltz
# Ha ha, ha ha
Come on, girls! Here we go!
# Ha ha, ha ha!
Hee hee!
# Hee hee, hee hee!
Ho ho ho ho!
# Ho ho, ho ho!
Missus, are you laughing at something l said
or something he's done?
l can't take credit for another lad's work.
# When l'm calling you
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
# Oooh!
# Will you answer
# Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh!
Start the car!
# Just one Cornetto
# Give it to me!
Ooh, l'd like to give it to you!
# There was a band with a spurious tone
of the cornet, clarinet and big trombone
# Fiddle, cello
# Fife, bassoon, euphonium
# Far away as in a trance,
all together in the floral dance
# Tiddlywinks, old man,
suck a lemon if you can
# lf you can't suck a lemon,
suck an old tin can
# l've got a gumboil, a toothache, a bellyache
# A pain in me left side,
a pimple on me - ooh!
# On the road to Mandalay
# Where the frying chip shops pay
# That's the wrong way to tickle Mary!
# That's the wrong way to go!
# Aunty Mary had a canary
# Up the leg of her drawers!
- Please!
This is classical music!
(# Sings from The Barber of Seville)
(Makes farmyard noises)
# There was an old farmer who had an old cow
# VERDl: Rigoletto
- Oh, this is...
''La donna e mobile'', translated:
''Does anybody want to buy a lady's bike?''
(Music stops)
What's the matter? Sorry. l thought you'd stalled.
Have you got a set of jump leads on you, sir?
You have, but you're using them?
# La donna e mobile qual piuma al vento
# Mutata cento, Hades inferno
(# Sings gibberish)
# Shut your face
# Woman is fickle,
Give her a tickle
# Hold her waist tightly
Do it twice nightly
# Nessun Dorma
# Spaghetti bolognese...for you!
# And l'll have cannelloni too...
# Ooh, ooh!
# Vincero!
# Vincero!
# Vincero!
# Vin...cer...o!
# Romantic intro
Molto amore.
Molto amore, sempre amore.
Molto amore, sempre amore,
cannelloni, cappuccino.
Molto amore, sempre amore, veal massala.
Molto amore, sempre amore,
chicken tikki.
Molto amore, sempre amore, vindaloo.
Spaghetti bolognese?
Spaghetti hoops?
(ltalian accent)
Sorry, we are closed! Restaurant closed!
Go away. Try McDonald's. Fish and chip.
Restaurant closed. Chef gone home.
De chef, he got a haddock.
No, not a haddock there. He got a haddock
here. lt's a very bad haddock.
ls very bad. ls very serious. He no come back.
The chef he ate his own cooking.
He had the salmonella - poached.
Oooh, he got de gippy tum.
# Cuando calienta el sol aqui en la playa
# Siento tu cuerpo vibrar cerca de mi
# Es tu palpitar, es tu cara, es tu pelo
# Son tus besos - me estremezco, oh-ho
# Cuando calienta el sol!
# Love me with all of your heart
# That's all l want, love!
# Love me with all of your heart,
or...not at all
# Just promise me this:
that you'll give me all your kisses
# Every winter, every summer, every fall!
- (# Vibrato)
# When we are far apart
# Or when you're near me
# Love me with all of your heart as l love you
# Ooh!
# Don't give me your love for a moment,
for an hour
# Love me always
as you've loved me from the start
# Love me with all of your heart!
# Cuando calienta el sol!
# Cuando calienta el sol!
(Cheering and applause)
# El sol!
There's a wonderful atmosphere in here tonight.
(Sniffs) Just like a clinic!
Friends. l feel l can call friends now,
but not for much longer!
Tonight's Ticklemas Eve,
and tomorrow's Ticklemas Day.
l've had 'em specially refluffed
for you tonight, love.
Ooh, Gladys, you're going to get it.
This is why l'm wearing me furry coat.
Genuine moggyskin. Pussycats.
Took 28 moggies to make this.
(Sniffs) All toms.
By Jove, it's full of life this coat.
l've had a pair of underpants made of this stuff.
Moggyskin long johns.
When l walk down our street,
people say, ''Ah! Hair he comes.''
''Hair he comes.'' lt's a joke!
That's definitely a joke. l recognise them.
That's what we professional humorists call
''a shaft of wit''.
Well, that's something similar, sir.
Right. We've got a gentleman in the audience,
ladies and gentlemen.
Over here.
(Wolf whistle and cheers)
Oh, thank you, thank you.
You get these suits by sending away the tops
of 1 2 Bird's Custard packets.
A young man over here, ladies and gentlemen.
A man who works miracles.
The world's greatest wizard, Paul Daniels!
Paul Daniels, a magician so small
the rabbit keeps dragging him back into the hat.
Paul Daniels - he's working very hard now
on his most difficult illusion.
How to make David Copperfield disappear.
Paul, amaze me with your question.
What's that old basket doing on the stage?
l'm trying to get laughs.
This here is a prop basket, as you know.
Paul, you were probably born in one of these -
a much smaller one, of course.
l haven't heard that one before!
This is an old prop basket and it's full of props.
All comics love props.
Here's the jester's cowl.
Jesters all wore these - the fools of the
Middle Ages, as opposed to a middle-aged fool.
Has a comical effect.
The ladies are laughing already.
They know it reminds them of a donkey.
Sometimes l wish l was a donkey.
Only sometimes.
The jester had a fool's licence.
He could do anything he liked.
He'd go around hitting the king and noblemen
over the head with his bladder.
And it was very funny if...
if he'd been on the lager the night before.
This is a slapstick. Two pieces of wood.
That's where the expression comes from -
the slapstick.
The red-hot poker. Won't bother with that.
This is my favourite.
The Great Drum of Knotty Ash.
A bit of classical music.
# Come and join us!
# Silent night!
# Softly, softly...
l love a drum. You can't beat 'em.
Well, you have to, actually.
l never go anywhere without my drum.
l love dashing into Tesco's and shouting,
''l want four pence off!''
The special offers l've had!
And an ener-ener-emergency...
l mean, supposing, for instance,
you were in a strange hotel in London.
l know we've found one.
You're in a strange hotel. lt's the middle
of the night and you don't know where you are.
Well, stick your drum out of
the bedroom window.
Go on, love, you've got a beauty.
Bung your drum out and go...
Someone always shouts, ''Who the hell's
playing a drum at 3:30 in the morning?!''
We have a very glamorous young lady here.
A gorgeous girl who you can definitely
count on - up to two, anyway.
Miss Samantha Fox is here. Hello.
Ask me anything you like.
OK, well... l will, don't worry.
My question is rather personal, really.
l'd like to know where
your tickle-stick idea comes from.
Tickling-stick? A lot of people think
the tickling-stick is a sex symbol.
But l think it's a fallacy.
(Some groans)
lt's a jester's prop. lt is. lt's a jester's prop.
We've a man here who became
the long-suffering husband of Hyacinth Bucket.
He's been dying to kick her ever since.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome Mr Clive Swift.
Ken, you are known
as the Professor of Tickleology.
And you've studied the psychology of humour.
So please could you tell me
because l've wanted to know all my life,
what is a laugh?
What is a laugh? Anatomically speaking,
a laugh starts here in your diagram.
- lt...
- (Laughter) its way up through your clack
and out through your titter valve.
lt's very like an attack of wind, actually.
A laugh is a noise that
comes out of a hole in your face.
Anywhere else, you're in dead trouble.
People laugh at all sorts of things. Some ladies
laugh at little things. lt's a pity, but there you are.
For thousands of years
philosophers and psychologists
have all tried to find the secret,
the secret spring of laughter.
Aristotle said that the nub of laughter
was a buckled mill wheel.
That is to say, life out of true.
All the great philosophers;
Schopenhauer, Kant, Berkson...
Freud said the essence of the comic
was the conservation of psychic energy.
But then again Freud never played
second house Friday night at Glasgow Empire.
l think, ladies and gentlemen,
there is a rainbow of laughter.
A rainbow of laughter. At the very top
there is the laughter of pure joy.
White, if you like, and you can hear that
anytime you like for free.
Just pass any school playground and you see
little children leaping and jumping around
for the sheer joy of being alive.
And then you go right the rainbow,
through the different laughs.
Pink laughter, green laughter, blue laughter.
And right at the very bottom there's the dark
colours of sarcasm, insult, satire.
l think laughter, a sense of humour is the sense
of seeing the funny side of life.
People say, ''Do funny things happen
on the way to the theatre?''
A friend of mine, John Farrow, the producer.
He had a marvellous idea to have a play
written for him called Page Three Girls.
lt was an excuse to get young ladies
to take their clothes off.
The opening night
was at the Theatre Royal, Hanley.
The Page Three Girls. Place was packed.
The lights come down in the auditorium.
Complete blackout.
And from the back a little pin -
a pin focus light hit the front of the stage.
The curtains parted and out stepped
this beautiful girl. Not a stitch on.
A lovely 20-year-old. Perfect, beautiful body.
As naked as the day she was born.
And she went up to the mike and she said,
''Ladies and gentlemen,
may l have your attention?''
We've got a wonderful man over here who
looks like Father Christmas with an attitude.
lt''s Warren Mitchell.
Ken, l'd like to know, when you first
came into this mad business of ours,
did you have a comedian, a comic, who was
a hero that you wanted to model yourself on?
l did indeed, Warren. l modelled myself on...
l was very lucky.
l had great heroes to look up to.
Wonderful comedians of 40 and 50 years ago.
Arthur Askey, Ted Ray, Max Miller.
- (Applause)
- 'Ere!
Arthur Askey was my...
Arthur Askey was a wonderful man.
lt was like a firework display going off.
He had so much energy.
And the greatest stand-up comic of them all
was Ted Ray. What a wonderful man.
He had such charm, sophistication.
The most lovable of all our great drolls
must have been Rob Wilton.
When he said,
''The day war broke out the wife said to me,
'Why are you wearing that ridiculous uniform?'''
He said, '''l'm guarding the White Cliffs of Dover
in case we get invaded.'
She said, 'What, you?'
'Oh, no. There's five or six of us.'
'Why are you wearing that ridiculous uniform?'
'l told you. ln case Hitler invades
the White Cliffs of Dover.'
She said, 'How will you know it's him?
You said in case Hitler invades...
How will you know it's Hitler?'
He said, 'Well, l've got a tongue
in me head, haven't l?'''
And that is great comedy, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
People say, ''Where are the new comedians?''
l'm going to introduce you now to a great new
comic, a great new comic star from Merseyside.
He's over here, ladies and gentlemen,
Mr Mickey Finn.
Thank you, Ken. Why do all the comedians
come from Liverpool?
Well...Arthur Askey said you've got to be
a comedian to live in Liverpool.
l love accents.
lsn't that a lovely Liverpool accent?
(Liverpool accent) ''Know what l mean, our kid?''
The thing about a Liverpool accent,
we can be understood - just about.
British accents... Down in the West Country,
that's where they say,
(West Country accent)
'''Ello, my dear. 'Ello, my flower. Hello, my lover.''
That's the men to each other.
Here's a lovely West Country lass, Pam Ayres.
You're a long way from the country, Pam.
You must be free range.
Ken, l've often heard that if you tell a joke
in the form of a poem or a verse
it works better as a poem.
What do you think about that?
Well, l would just say, ''Oooh-arh!''
Yes, l think so. lt's the rhythm, the rhyme.
lt seems to help the humour along.
There was a marvellous comic
called Billy Bennett, another Merseyside lad.
He had fabulous monologues like this one.
A Sailor's Farewell To His Horse.
(Shrieks of laughter)
'Twas a dirty night, 'twas a dirty trick
When our ship turned over in the Atlantic
lt was the schooner Hesperous -
we all lay asleep in our bunks
Bound for a cruise,
where they don't have revues
With a cargo of elephants' trunks.
The sea was as smooth as a baby's top lip
Not even a policeman in sight
And the little sardines had climbed into their tins
And pulled down the lids for the night.
Said old Bo'sun Brown, ''The ship's going down
And l'm sure that we'll never reach Blighty.''
''lt's women and children first'', cried the mate
So l put on the old woman's nightie.
l said to a girl - ''You must swim for your life
Or cling on to a buoy, if you can.''
She looked at me coy,
and said, ''You're not a boy.
Get off, you're a dirty old man!''
Thank you.
ln the audience, we're very lucky to have
one of our best comedy talents -
the lovely Josie Lawrence.
Josie, what's...what's your line anyway?
ln these days of sexual equality,
there's still more male comedians
than female comedians.
Would you agree
that women can be as funny as men?
As funny? (Chuckles)
l know some very funny women.
Women are definitely funny.
Only a woman would think of going to bed
at night wearing a mud pack, hair in curlers,
and then say, ''Where's all the passion gone?''
Only a woman on a Saturday night
would think of hoovering
when you're trying to listen to the football
Liverpool 4, Arsenal... (Makes whirring noise)
(Laughter drowns out speech)
l see over here, ladies and gentlemen,
my dear old friend.
l don't whether if l can coax him
into asking a question cos...
..he's so modest and shy...
..and humble.
Mr Frank Carson!
Well, l just thought, Doddy, have you...
..have you ever thought
of being politically minded?
And are you politically correct?
Well, we've both got brilliant minds, Frank.
True, true. He's right! He's right!
l have thought of going into politics. Yes, l have.
The job l fancy is
Chancellor of the Exchequer.
- (Laughter and applause)
- No, because... No, l do.
At least l'd be reunited with my money.
Frank, l refuse to tell ethnic jokes.
A fellow went into a pet shop
in Liverpool last week and he said,
(lrish accent)
''Have you got any o' them budgerigars?
How you any of them
little green and yellow fellas?''
He was from West Liverpool.
The pet shop owner said,
''Yeah, we've got budgies.''
He said,
''How much are the little beggars?''
He said, ''They're ?1 0.''
''?1 0?''
''?1 0.''
''That's what l said, ?1 0.''
He said, ''How many have you got?''
''l've got 1 00.''
''l'll take the lot.'' He put a grand on the counter.
''Put 'em in an old cardboard box with holes in
and l'll take them back.''
When he got home,
he had this beautiful waistcoat made.
Frank, you're beautifully turned out.
lt was uncut moquette. lt went started here
on the shoulders and went down to his ankles.
You've seen Joseph and his Technicolor...
lt was nicer than that.
And all the way down it had these pockets.
Two pockets here, two pockets, two pockets.
And he put a little budgie in every pocket,
you see.
Every pocket had a little budgie in.
Curious little birds. Lovely little things.
They kept popping their little heads out
and waggling their little beaks.
You do it for me, dear.
Oh, my God!
He got on the train at Liverpool
and went down to London.
Got off at Euston, walked to the Post Office
Tower, climbed to the top and jumped off.
Yes. The waistcoat, the budgies, him.
From Liverpool to London.
Walked all the way to the GPO Tower,
clambered his way to the very top
and hurled himself into space.
He just went - Blurrp! - on the deck.
One of his pals rushed up and said,
''Paddy, what the hell are you trying to do?''
''l tell you one thing,'' he said.
''That budgie-jumping is a waste of bloody time!''
Over here we have Scotland's answer
to Les Patterson.
Rab C Nesbitt.
Rab C Nesbitt,
the Jimmy Knapp of show business.
But he's really a wonderful, fine, versatile actor -
Gregor Fisher.
The question l'd like to ask you
is about playing theatres up and down
the length and breadth of the land.
You've played in theatres in the south
and the north.
And even the far north -
you've mentioned Glasgow Empire.
Do people laugh at different things
dependent on where you are in the country?
Oh, yes. Oh, yes, oh, yes.
Even further north than that, Gregor.
l've been to the Shetlands.
l found a little theatre called
the Garrison Theatre up there.
l went to the Shetlands. l've got what they call
''a giggle map'' of Great Britain.
And if you look at a map of Great Britain,
you see all... lt's a wonderful country.
This septic isle set in a silver sea.
lt is. Everybody's sense of humour is different.
You can tell a joke in Edinburgh and they
won't laugh in London. They can't hear it. Please, no.
The beautiful seaside resorts we go to with palm
trees and people playing kazoos in grass skirts.
Where have we been like that? Oh, Widnes.
Widnes. The only town in Britain
where they grow brown daffodils.
Sail up the coast of Britain past Southport...
lf you're thinking of going to Southport,
see me first.
l know a man who knows his way to the sea.
Of course you are from Southport.
lt's such a thrill in Southport to go paddling
outside the three-mile limit.
l was mugged there once
by Lawrence of Arabia.
Keep going north up to Bonnie Scotland.
Och-aye in the knicky-new
when you get tickled in the Trossachs.
Glasgow was once voted City of Culture.
Wasn't it, Gregor?
City of Culture - you get mugged in French.
(Scottish accent) See vous, Jimmy.
What a wild, exciting city, Glasgow.
They used to have street fights every night.
No more street fights now.
They call them pavement debates.
Back down the east coast of England.
Down to Scarborough.
Ever so hilly in Scarborough.
Late at night in the summertime you see
the OAPs going back to their digs,
all roped together.
The Midlands - now you'd think the Midlands
being the engine room of Britain,
you think the Midlands would be - well, it isn't.
No, it isn't.
Most lovely people there. Up in the Northwest
our heroes are Pat and Mick.
Now, in the Midlands, it's Enoch and Eli.
Two fellas called Enoch and Eli.
(Midlands accent) ''Where you been, our Eli?''
That's how they talk.
''Where you been, our Eli?''
(Posh voice) ''Where have you been to, Eli?''
(Midlands accent)
''l've been fishing in the cut.''
''Fishing? Did you catch anything?''
''Ooh-arh. l caught a whale.''
''You caught a whale? What did you do with it?''
He said, ''l chucked it back in again.
There were no spokes in it.''
Cos the Midlands...
ln the Midlands you have Stratford, of course,
with Willy Shakespeare.
The man invented our business.
A man of a few words like myself.
- He...
- (Laughter)
..married Anne Hathaway.
She was the first Avon lady.
ln those days... Stratford now
it's all ashtrays and egg timers.
But in those days Stratford was all
little wooden houses with thatched roofs.
They had an awful lot of fires.
Luckily, most of the men were heavy drinkers.
Every place in Britain has a story to tell.
Like Harrow, for instance. Now Harrow
is named after a Japanese word of greeting.
And then, of course,
there's our capital - London.
lt wasn't always the capital, you know.
At one time, Britain was divided into two parts.
l'm talking about BC -
Before Coronation Street.
Up North we had
the Roundheads and the Squareheads.
Down South they had the Cavaliers.
They're the ones with the velvet knickerbockers
and lace ruffs and long, wavy hair.
Their patron saint was St Francis, A Sissy.
Up North we were governed by
King Dick of Wigan.
Yes, Buckingham Palace in those days
was in Plank Lane in Leigh.
King Dick of Wigan
was the pretender to the throne.
He'd go round saying, ''l'm not really the King.
l just like waving.''
He was arrested.
Now, matters came to a head at the Battle of
Watford Gap, behind the service area.
lmagine the tactics.
The velvet-knickered Cavaliers,
they'd been hiding on the roof of the Little Chef
for three days, trying to get served.
He said, ''Me, go into battle with two bottles?
Not me. l'm Wash & Go.''
The air was filled with the sound
of ricocheting black puddings.
Then the Yorkshire Squareheads used
the ultimate weapon: the mushy-pea bomb.
There's always a terrible fallout.
They transferred the match to Stamford Bridge,
where they drew three-nil.
Then on to the Battle of Hastings,
and we all know the picture there.
Clash of sword upon sword. King Harold
sitting bravely on his white charger,
an arrow stuck in his eye.
All his courtiers saying, ''Keep blinking, H.
lt'll work its way out.''
''Have you tried blowing your nose?''
ln the north of England we have a great tradition
called Coronation Street.
Here is a man who is generous to a fault.
Alf Roberts.
His real name of course is Bryan Mosley.
Young Bryan.
- l have a question.
- Yes?
Every week, as you know,
l've got to learn a brand-new script.
That's what it's called.
You know thousands of jokes.
How do you remember them?
Well, er...
Actually, Bryan,
l use a thing called the roll-up technique.
Where you try to get as many laughs
as you can.
l try for 7 TPM - 7 titters per minute.
l'll give you an idea.
l went to the doctor's last week. Nothing wrong,
just to make sure he hadn't crossed me off.
He won't come out and visit.
You can be as sick as a footballer.
l know, because l was going to play for
Liverpool once, but l couldn't spit far enough.
l phoned up. ''Could the doctor visit me?''
''Visit? You must have lost your conkers.
You can have an appointment, 5.45am,
three weeks next Thursday.''
''l could be dead by then.''
''lf you are, get someone to phone in
and cancel the appointment.''
l thought: l can't stand this. l'll pay.
So l've joined BUPA.
British Underpants Prevent 'Acking Coughs.
Yeah. lf you need a bed bath,
a lady comes round with a mop and bucket.
l went to the doctor's,
went into his insulting room.
He said, ''Are you paying or shall l hurt you?''
l said, ''No, no. l'm paying.''
''Take all your clothes off.'' l took all my clothes
off. He went into the next room for a laugh.
He came back in. He said, ''You have to diet.''
l said, ''What colour?''
''No, no...''
He said, ''Do you have any difficulty
passing water?''
''When l go over a bridge l go a bit dizzy.''
He said, ''Oh, you have vertigo?''
''No, l only live round the corner.''
He said, ''You must eat more fibre.''
''What do you think l am, a moth?''
People do terrible things, you know.
There's a fella in Liverpool,
he's had four wooden legs.
He's making a coffee table.
Little old lady went to the doctor's.
She said, ''Doctor, can l have some more
sleeping pills for my husband?''
He said, ''Why?''
She said, ''He's woke up.''
Another old lady goes to the doctor's.
''Can l have sleeping tablets to make me sleep?''
''Certainly not. l don't believe in tranquilisers.
lf you can't sleep at night,
do it nature's way, organically.''
''Oh, l can't play one of...''
''No,'' he said. ''No.
Before you go to bed at night
have a little tot of something.''
''l do that already, Doctor.''
''You do?''
Oh, yes, before l go to bed at night,
l have eight whiskies, four gins, two vodkas,
a large brandy, a Martini and an egg flip.''
Doctor said, ''And you can't sleep?''
''No, l'm up all night singing.''
My dear little Diddy friend
David Hamilton is here.
David, l remember the first time l met you.
lt was at a wedding.
You were standing on top of the cake.
Well, l'd like to ask you a question, Ken, if l may.
You've created a great fantasy world;
Knotty Ash, jam-butty mines, and the Diddymen.
How did it all start?
When l was a little boy,
l used to read the Wizard and the Hotspur.
And at the back in the Wizard
they had advertisements for -
Paul, you got started like that -
itching powder, stink bombs,
That's a little mirror you put in your eye.
For an 8-year-old it's essential because you can
tell if an assassin is creeping up behind you.
One day l read an advertisement. lt said,
''Fool teachers, amaze friends! Send sixpence in
stamps. Become a ventriloquist.'' l did, didn't l?
(Dummy's voice) ''Yes.''
He'll tell you.
Stop it. Stop squinting.
You'll give yourself a migraine.
You'll stick like that. That's how l started.
- So you've arrived.
- ''Yes.''
- Pardon?
- ''Yes.''
- Well, squeak up. You got here.
- ''Yes.''
- And you walked all the way?
- ''Yes.''
- You must be very tired.
- ''Yes.''
- But you're glad to be here.
- ''Yes.''
lt's for the kids.
- Can't you say anything but yes?
- ''Yes.''
- What is it?
- ''No.''
lf you've walked all the way
you must be very tired and thirsty.
Would you like a big bottle of brown beer?
Watch my lips.
A big bottle of brown beer
and some brown bread and butter, or a shandy?
- ''A shandy.''
- Good. l'm very pleased to hear you say that.
Are you going to do the alphabet backwards?
The alphabet. 26 letters.
Are you going to do the alphabet backwards?
Good, good. Well, l'll tell you what to do...
Sing a song for the audience.
What would you like to sing?
''What do you know?''
Don't mess about. Sing a little song.
What would you like to sing?
''When The Red, Red Robin
Comes Gog, Gog, Gogging Along.''
''Gog, Gog, Gogging?''
- Are you taking the...
- ''Yes.''
Get on with it.
# When there are grey skies...
''Aw... What don't you mind?''
# l don't mind those grey skies
''What do l do, Doddy?''
# You, you make them blue
(Shrieks of laughter)
No, blue.
''l can't say 'glue'.''
Who's asking you to say 'glue'?
l never said a word about 'glue'!
''l can say 'stick tight'.''
What has 'stick tight' got to do with it?!
- ''lt's glue.''
- l know it's glue!
l know, but there's no 'glue' in the song!
- ''You're shouting.''
- l'm not shouting!
''l'm soaking wet.''
You're not soaking wet! Don't exaggerate!
''You're losing your rag.''
l'm not losing my rag.
Get on with the song. There's no 'glue'
in the song. lt's a song about colours.
''l can say 'green'.''
l don't want you to say 'green'.
lt's not in the song.
Just do the song as is.
''As is?''
Yes, as is. As it is, as it was.
Just do the song as is.
- ''As is?''
- Yes.
''What's my name?''
# Sonny boy
# Friends may forsake me
''Ooooh... What can they do, glue?''
# Let them all forsake me
''Who've you got in the end?''
# l still have you...
''What is my name, as is?''
# Sonny boy
(# Wails)
# You're sent from heaven
''You all right, cock?''
# l know your worth...
''Eee, you're ugly.''
''Close to.''
# You've made a heaven for me
right here on earth
''l want to go to the gents.''
(Low voice) You're not the only one!
# And when...when l'm old and grey, dear...
''What d'you mean, when?''
# Promise you won't stray, dear
''l'm gonna be sick.''
# Cos l, l love you so...
''What is my name, as is?''
# Sonny boy!
Thank you. Thank you.
lt's me, missus!
Omar Sharif.
Omar Sharif. Why not?
l've been mistaken for his camel.
Tonight is romantic night, isn't it, girls?
Someone's on a promise.
All over Britain tonight romantic, frisky ladies
are sitting up in bed saying, ''Harry...''
''All right, then. Charlie...''
Are you very romantic, missus?
Yes, yes, l can tell. You have very dreamy eyes.
l should go on shandies now.
Our next questioner, ladies and gentlemen,
is a young lady who's so full of energy.
She's a wonderful advertisement
for long life batteries.
She's in the front - Miss Su Pollard.
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you. Ken.
l've got to tell you, l've never told you this before,
but l've often fantasised
about you and me oscillating.
l mean, with them teeth you could kiss me
and nibble my earhole at the same time.
That's nice, isn't it?
But, Ken, seriously, do you think it helps
to have a funny face to be a comedian
or don't you mind?
Well, actually, Sue, l can tell you that l am
a sex symbol for women that don't care.
When you're a Casanova like me
you have to keep yourself in shape.
Have you seen me in Baywatch?
l do all the exercises. Every morning
in front of the telly it's, ''Up-down, up-down...''
Then the other eyelid.
l did 25 minutes
running on the spot this morning.
Had my braces caught in the banisters.
l bought all the gymnasium equipment, weights.
l bought one of those rowing machines,
but it sank.
l went to the doctor's for a checkup.
He told me l had to pack up the Sumo wrestling.
Seems l've got nappy rash.
Picture now in your mind's eye - nothing rude.
Just picture the human body now
naked and unashamed.
How is it all the best bits
don't have any bones in?
There are 37 bones in the human neck.
More if you're eating kippers.
Over 285 bones in the human body.
Enough to last the average dog a fortnight.
As the lrishman said
when he saw his X-ray photograph,
''l don't remember eating all those bones.''
l think men's legs have a terrible, lonely life,
don't you?
Men's legs - standing in your trousers
in the dark all day.
Just an occasional flash of sunlight.
(Shrieking and squealing)
Have a look at your legs
when you go to bed tonight.
When you go to bed tonight, sir,
take a torch up to bed with you.
And make a tent.
Have you ever done that? Yes?
You want locking up.
Take...take one of those coloured flashlights
up to bed, shine the green one on your legs.
Give your wife a nudge.
''Hey, Alice, we'll have to lay off the lettuce.''
And scientists and doctors,
they're making tremendous strides.
They're working day and night... Transplants...
One of these days
you could rearrange anything you want.
You could have another ear under your arm.
Another ear - frighten people.
''l beg your pardon? How dare you talk to me...''
''What do you mean, five items or less?''
You could have another mouth
on the top of your head.
When you're late for work,
stick a bacon sandwich under your cap
and eat it on the way to the bus.
You could have a third eye
on the end of your finger.
Yes, well, as l was saying...
Now the next question...
The next question comes from
every lady's favourite husband,
provided she's not married to him.
From Coronation Street it's Peter Baldwin.
- Young Peter.
- Young. Thank you.
l'm curious. You may not believe it,
but l visit health shops quite a lot.
- Yeah?
- You don't believe it.
No, l do believe it. No, no, no...
ln those health shops they sell such things as
natural remedies and herbal potions.
Yes. Have you ever tried such things?
Oh, yes. Yes.
When you go into these health shops
they smell as if they've got Shergar in the back.
Alternative remedies, yes.
l once went into aromatherapy. Aromatherapy.
lt based on smells, pongs, niffs, woofters.
And er...
Aromatherapy, it's all based on aromatic oils.
You see, the human being, us human beings,
we have a highly-developed sense of smell.
Not as highly developed as dogs.
Dogs have a very...
You wouldn't think so,
some of the things they sniff. But they do.
How would it be if we had the same
highly-sensitive smell?
A lady would stand at the front door at 5:30pm
and say, ''Your dad's just got off the bus.''
Different aromatherapy, different aromatic oils
have a very romantic effect.
Now, rosemary, for instance.
Rosemary is good for a headache.
Well, she always had one when l tried.
Sandalwood - very good for corns and bunions.
Castor oil - very good for athletics.
Half a bottle of that,
you don't need starting blocks.
My Auntie Nelly,
she went on this evening primrose oil.
Oil of evening primrose.
Took it for a year. Got eaten by a caterpillar.
For my complexion l use Oil of Ulay.
lndustrial strength, of course.
That 3-in-1 oil, that's very good for loosening
nuts. So watch what you're doing there.
l do have romantic moments.
l was walking down the road
and this young lady came up to me and said,
''Hello, handsome.
Can you tell me the way to the opticians?''
l used to think l was wonderful.
l used to think l was marvellous in bed.
Then l found out all my girlfriends had asthma.
l was so worried at one time,
l thought l'd consult Dr Ruth.
Have you seen Dr Ruth?
She looks like a little prune.
She talks like Sigmund Freud
and looks like Clement Freud.
l went to Dr Ruth's office. What a woman!
There she was, professional to the last.
Drawing moustaches on Pirelli calendars.
She said, ''Come inside. Where have you left
your motorbike? ls it 500cc?
lt doesn't matter. Size is not important.
Talk to me. l want to hear every mucky
little detail of your grubby little mind.
Do you know the difference
between men and women?''
l said, ''Of course l do. Women are the ones
with squeaky voices who dance backwards.
And keep asking for money.''
She said, ''But do you know...
Do you know how to charm a lady?
Do you know how to make her feel nice?''
l said, ''Of course. By the way,
you've got spinach between your teeth.''
''Are you a considerate partner at home?''
''l always lift my feet up when she's hoovering.''
She said,
''Do you know what an erogenous zone is?''
''l know you can't park there after six o'clock.''
''Have you ever tried an aphrodisiac?''
''l dated a Norwegian girl once. She was nice.''
''Do you believe in safe sex?''
''l've a handrail round the bed.
And l always try to keep one foot on the
She said, ''What about your libido?''
''l'm gonna swap it for a Sierra.''
Over here, ladies and gentlemen,
we have a fine figure of a man - Brian Murphy.
Brian Murphy. Just returned from touring
with the Chippendales.
He was on the back row
until the lads in the front row complained.
Well, he kept knocking their hats off.
- Brian, your question, please.
- Yes.
- ln the league table of great lovers...
- Yes, yes.
- and l have scored hundreds of times.
- Of course.
So where do you think the British male...
Does he come out on top?
Where does he stand or lie?
Well, l think British men,
if we have a fault, and l doubt it, it is...
Oh, come on, ladies. You wouldn't swap us.
You wouldn't fancy one of those
Continental Romeos, would you?
No, it's too far to go for the spare parts,
for one thing.
Fancy being married to a Frenchman, a Froggy.
Frenchmen are always...
You better look the other way, sir.
This could turn nasty.
How can l put it so it won't frighten the ladies?
Frenchmen are always...''Whoo-hoo-hn!''
You couldn't stand that, missus.
You'd be hiding in the gas cupboard all day.
Shall l shock you, ladies?
You want to be shocked, don't you?
l can do that, l can do alternative comedy.
l was doing alternative comedy
when l was four years old.
My mother said, ''Pull your trousers up.''
Not all that funny.
l don't mind alternative comics -
as long as they don't start telling jokes.
Did you know that...
..that the average Frenchman on a Sunday
afternoon would rather ''whoo-hoo-hn''
than watch Match Of The Day?
They're not normal like we are.
lf we were in France now,
none of these fellas would be in here.
They'd all be out ''Whoo-hoo-hn-ing''.
lf l had any sense l'd be with them.
Probably holding coats, but l'd be there.
Now we're stuck with them,
cos we've got the Channel Tunnel.
What a marvellous achievement.
For years this big thing's been boring -
a bit like myself, actually -
under the English Channel.
And then was it about a year ago,
the final breakthrough?
Did you see it on television?
That was history being made.
You saw it happen before your eyes.
A four-inch hole appeared
in the Channel Tunnel wall,
and for the first time in history
an Englishman reached through
and throttled a Frenchman.
l never knew it had been opened.
As fast as they were digging it their side
our lads were filling it in this side.
They eat snails in France.
Takes them three hours to get to the bathroom.
Did you know, missus,
if a snail was to crawl up your leg
it would be three weeks before you went,
Have you seen those French cars? Cars, huh!
They look like sheds on wheels.
When you press the horn it goes,
''Hnh-hah, Hnh-hah''.
We don't need these Continental cars.
l mean, the Volvo.
A lot of people say the Volvo is a bit too heavy.
Mostly people who've been run over by one.
Have you seen the lrish cars?
Four steering wheels - one for each passenger.
Get yourself a British Mini Metro. 85 miles
per gallon. More if there's two pedalling.
Ladies, you wouldn't fancy one of those
handsome ltalians with the black, wavy hair.
(Speaks cod ltalian)
They creep up behind you
when you're doing the sprouts.
(Makes farting noise)
Or Scandinavians. Big, hairy, great Danes.
Vikings with horns growing out of their hats
and bacon sandwiches strapped to their legs.
Roaming all round Britain
offering housewives free rashers.
Pardon? No, l've no idea what days, love.
My sister, she was engaged to an Eskimo,
but she broke it off.
ln Germany all the hims are Herrs.
They're a funny...
Germans are always tiling bathrooms.
Krauting they call it.
And in Russia everything ends in ''off,''
so you've no chance.
Colin, let's serenade the girls
with a Continental song.
# La Vie En Rose (lntro)
# Take me to your heart again
# Let's make a start again
# Forgiving and forgetting
# Take me to your heart...
Do you know, that's the one word
that terrifies men: ''again''.
That's the one word that frightens the life
out of a man: ''again'.
Ladies these days are getting domineering,
even a bit bossy sometimes, aren't they, lads?
Come on, fellas. Women these days
are getting a bit too pushy, aren't they, lads?
- We won't put up with it much longer, will we?
- No!
- What are we gonna do about it?
- Nothing!
Eh? Nothing?
As long as you know what the battle plan is.
All over Britain, all over Britain at night,
men...big men, strong men are lying alone
in bed, trembling with fear under the duvet.
Don't leave me, teddy.
Big men, macho men, lying in bed...
terrified when they hear
Cell Block H finishing downstairs.
And they know she'll shortly be coming up
for a spot of corrective training.
Powerful men. Husbands -
that's a man with the nerve taken out.
Lying fearful when they hear her
getting ready for bed in the bathroom,
gargling with Listerine.
(High-pitched gargling)
Terrified when they hear
the Estee Lauder and the Avon going on.
Phrrrp! Phrrrp! Phrrrp!
Strong men,
terrified of that bathroom door opening and...
She Who Must Be Obeyed comes out.
Wearing one of those pink neglecteds,
a transparent nightie...
Standing there as if she's modelling
for scatter cushions.
Carrying a see-through hot-water bottle,
forcing her attentions on him.
Forcing her attentions...
You shouldn't do that. You mustn't do that, girls.
You mustn't surprise your husband like that.
lt doesn't give him time to think of anybody.
Love and romance,
it's different all over the world.
ln France when a lady's having a romantic
interlude she looks up and says, ''Sacre bleu.
Sacre flippin' bleu!
Whoo-hoo. Toujours l'amour, tonight for sure.''
ln ltaly when a lady's having a romantic
interlude she looks up and says,
''Sempre amore...molto amore!
Sempre amore!''
ln Britain, when a lady's having a romantic
interlude she looks up and says,
''That ceiling needs doing there.
lt's all gone flaky.
l want it all Artexing.''
''How about a fitted wardrobe from B&Q?''
''And when will you do something
about that shed?
There are jobs need doing in this house
and have needed doing for some time.
l will have to get a man in.''
Colin, play me some romantic music.
Soothe the situation.
# Gentle piano
# Ba-ba-ba beep,
bop, bop, boop, boop, boop, boop...
# Boop, boop, boop,
boop, boop, bay, boh
l don't know this one. lt's very nice, isn't it?
Transport us to a land of beautiful love songs.
Who remembers lvor Novello's
''l've Caught My Lilacs ln The Spring Again''?
Beautiful, romantic ballads
that can set men's pulses racing.
''l Can't Get Over A Girl Like You,
So Get Up And Make The Tea Yourself.''
''There Are Tears On My Pillow...
The Rest Of The Bed Seems All Right.''
Finding a new comic talent,
ladies and gentlemen, is like finding a diamond.
And this lad he comes straight from Ratners.
A wonderful new comedian from Liverpool,
Mr John Martin.
- Thank you.
- John Martin.
Ken, l'd like to ask a question.
l've seen you work so many times
and you seem to bridge the generation gap
with laughter.
What do you really think
of the young generation?
Well, l think young people today are very nice,
taken the right way - by the throat.
They laugh at us, you know, the teenagers.
They call us wrinklies. Wrinklies!
How dare they! How would they like it
if we called them Zitsies?
Next time one of them gets on your wick
just say, ''Hello, Zitsy.''
''Ha-ha! How's your pimps?''
Acne, acne, rah, rah, rah!
One word the teenagers can't stand, you know -
What is a teenager? Somebody who leaves
the house at night in a car
and comes back in a police van.
But you mustn't argue with them. You see
fathers arguing with their 1 5-year-old sons.
They say, ''Son...
Son, can you spare me a moment, son?
Have l ever struck you, son?''
No, you must talk to young people.
You must talk to young people.
And we must listen to what they're saying.
This is what l do.
All over the country when l'm touring,
l try to meet as many young people as l can,
and l talk to them.
And l listen to what they're saying.
What's a pillock?
Oh, it's the same as a plonker. ls it really?
l've always known l was a plonker.
l didn't know l was a pillock as well.
l flatter myself.
l get on well with young people.
As a matter of fact they call me a Richard-head.
And er...
''Hello, old Richard-head!'' they shout.
''Go off!'' Or words to that effect.
The vicar said to me last Sunday,
''lsn't it wonderful to see the young people
walking down the road
carrying the Good Book?''
l said, ''They're taking their videos back!''
They hire these videos
all about werewolves and vampires.
Fancy anybody paying good money
to watch someone with long hair and big teeth.
Sitting over here, ladies and gentlemen,
l can see the absolutely beautiful Jane Horrocks
from Absolutely Fabulous.
Lovely Jane.
Hi, Ken. How do you manage to keep topical
with your jokes? Do you use the newspapers?
Yeah... Do l use the newspapers?
We're pretty primitive up north,
but not know.
That was my job, cutting them into little squares.
There's always plenty of new jokes, Jane.
There are as many new jokes every day
as there are people doing daft things.
And we all do daft things, don't we?
Just keep your eyes and ears open.
l mean, a news item, a news item tonight.
Jeremy Paxman was bitten by a dog
on his way to the studio tonight,
but after being given injections and treated
for shock the dog was allowed to go home.
The ones l like best in the newspapers
are the advertisement columns.
For sale: vaulting pole, slightly imperfect,
would suit enthusiastic midget.
For sale: 300 copies of Playboy Magazine
and assorted sex toys.
Would exchange for Zimmer frame
and orthopaedic bed.
Personal column: Short, squat,
ugly, bald-headed pensioner
wishes to meet tall, wealthy, beautiful blonde
with a view to a warm, passionate relationship.
Sense of humour essential.
Personal column:
Arthur, l think of you every night
as l lie waiting for your touch.
PS. l'm on the other side of the bed.
Your wife, Doris.
This is what happens.
How does a man know when he's growing old?
lt comes on you all of a sudden.
lt's all right for you ladies.
A man has to realise he's growing old -
little things tell him.
- (Sniggering)
- Do you mind, please?
A man's life is like a long journey.
And during his lifetime
a man has to travel so many weary miles.
Down lanes, crossing plains,
climbing mountains, fording rivers.
And all the time during his life
a man is searching.
Oh, he's searching for...the truth.
Then one day everything starts to click.
Your neck, your back, your knees, your elbows...
When you fall out of bed in the morning
you sound like a maraca band.
Your wife's in the bathroom going
''Cha-cha-cha. Cha-cha-cha.''
You get no sympathy when you're not well.
''You're not gonna be off work, are you?''
A man has to realise
he's not as young as he used to was.
ln the autumn of his life there signs that tell him.
You get out of breath playing chess.
Your wedding suit comes back into fashion.
You have to use both hands to clean your teeth.
Oh, you still chase after girls,
but you can't remember why.
And your wife doesn't mind you
chasing after girls.
Cos as she says, ''Our dog chases after cars
and he can't drive.''
You wake up one morning
and find you've got a bald-headed son.
Your wife makes you wear dark trousers
when you go out.
''You can't walk down the road like that.
Go and stand by the fire for ten minutes.''
''Here, l'll use the hair dryer on you.''
''All right.''
When you do go out,
people start helping you onto the bus...
..when you've just got off the blasted thing.
Now, ladies never grow old. Do you, girls?
You look so beautiful tonight.
And you always will look beautiful, ladies.
Ladies are always beautiful.
But you'll know you're knocking on a little bit,
because at Christmas time everybody
gives you lavender bath cubes for Christmas.
Your family start taking you home early
from parties.
''Tell her...tell her not to sit like that.''
''You've got to go home now, Gran.''
''l'd like a snowball!''
''You might hurt someone.
You've got to go home now.
You've got a big day tomorrow.
You're having your feet done.''
You'll never grow old. You know why?
Cos you've all got lovely chuckle muscles.
lt keeps you young,
your chuckle muscle.
And if you exercise your chuckle muscle
every day and have a good laugh,
or better still, make somebody else laugh,
you'll always stay young and frisky and healthy.
But if you don't use your chuckle muscle,
it dries up and drops off.
Tonight we've heard the most beautiful sound
in the world -
the sound of laughter and happiness.
Forget all your troubles.
l'm fully paid up now till 1 975.
They still write to me.
They said they'd keep in touch.
l got a Christmas card from them. lt said,
'''Tis more blessed to give than to receive.''
Two hundred years we've been paying this lot.
Two hundred years ago this barmy MP,
he's sitting in Westminster one afternoon,
he's got nothing to do and he's going...
He thinks, ''l know! l know, l'll invent income tax!
l'll invent income tax.''
And so he did - 200 years ago.
ln those days, it was tuppence in the pound.
l thought it still was.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you for being a wonderful...
(Cheering and whistling)
Thank you, thank you...
Thank you for being a tattifularious
and a plumptious audience!
We wish you good health, the time to enjoy it,
and lots and lots of happiness!
# Happiness, happiness
# The greatest gift that we possess
# l thank the Lord that l've been blessed
# With more than my share of happiness
Here we go now!
# To me this world is a wonderful place
# l'm the luckiest human in the human race
# l've got no silver and l've got no gold
# But l've got happiness in my soul
# Happiness to me is an ocean tide
# A sunset fading on a mountainside
# A big old heaven full of stars above
# When l'm in the arms of the one l love
# Oh, happiness, happiness
# The greatest gift that we possess
# l thank the Lord that we've been blessed
# With more than our share of...
# Happiness, oh, happiness
# The greatest gift that we possess
# l thank the Lord that l've been blessed
# With more than my share of happiness
# l've got more than our share of
# Hap-pi-ness!
- Happiness for you!
- (Cheering)
Happiness for you!
(Cheering continues)