Auntie Mame (1958) Movie Script

"I, Edwin Dennis,
being of sound mind and body... hereby bequeath to my only son,
Patrick, all my worldly possessions.
In the event of my demise, I direct
Norah Muldoon to deliver Patrick... my sister, Mame Dennis,
at 3 Beekman Place, New York City.
His expenses shall be supervised
by Mr. Dwight Babcock...
...acting for
the Knickerbocker Bank...
...with the power
to keep my crazy sister...
...from doing anything too eccentric
and bringing him up to be like her.
Since I am in splendid condition
through workouts at the Brokers Club...
...I am confident that these provisions
won't go into effect for years.
I hereby affix my hand this fourteenth
day of September, in the year 1928."
You've been reading it for a week.
Why bring it to New York?
It's the only way I can believe it.
Besides, your Aunt Mame may like it as
a remembrance of your sainted father.
Don't you be going by way of
the North Pole. We're not greenhorns.
- That's 95 cents.
- Here's a dollar. Keep the change.
It's like the ladies' restroom
in the Oriental Theater.
You're not scared, are you, Norah?
Of course not! And don't you be, child.
Norah's here to look after you.
Saints alive!
- You want?
- Is this the residence of Mame Dennis?
Mame Dennis. Oh, yes!
I'm Norah Muldoon.
I'm bringing Dennis to his aunt.
Oh, you come in. You wait. I fetch.
Madam having affair now.
Isn't he wonderful?
Help is on the way, darlings.
That adorable bootlegger is
on his way with a gallon of gin.
Oh, Allen, darling!
Edna, I called you yesterday.
- Hello, Mame.
- I'll be with you in a minute.
- Vladimir, what are you doing here?
- Drinking myself to death, of course.
Besides, I'm your guest of honor.
Of course! You must hear
his new symphony, the pastorale.
It has real airplane motors
and live sheep. It's devastating.
You've met our guest of honor,
Vladimir Klinkoff? Miss...
Mrs. Klinkoff.
Yes, of course. Then you've met.
Oh, Perry!
Doris, now where are you off to?
Everyone's going to Clifton's.
It's nearly 7.
Give Clifton my love.
I'll be right over...
Oh, dear. The employment bureau didn't
tell me you were bringing a child.
He looks nice. If he misbehaves,
we can toss him in the river.
Please let us escape
from this den of criminals.
Doctor, get this woman
on your couch in a hurry!
I'm not that kind of a woman.
I'm looking for a Miss Mame Dennis.
- Ito! lto!
- Yes, missy.
Show this woman to the kitchen,
start her on glasses.
- This not dishwashing lady.
- Then I must have invited you. A drink?
I'm Norah Muldoon. Didn't you get
my telegram saying we'd arrive at 6:00?
No, your telegram said October 1.
That's tomorrow. This is September 31.
No, 'tis the first,
curse the evil day.
Everybody knows 30 days has
September, April, June and...
But, darling, I'm your Auntie Mame!
Quiet, everybody. I have an
important announcement to make.
This is my little boy!
He's not really my little boy.
He's my late brother's son.
My only living relative. That's all we
have, just each other, my little love!
Well, what am I going
to call you, dear?
- Pat. Patrick Dennis.
- I know the Dennis part.
And from now on, you must call me
Auntie Mame. Well, well, well, now.
Would you like a mar...? No.
Is it your bedtime? No, it can't be.
The powder room?
Food, food! That's it! You must be
famished. Come right along with me.
Take your shoes off, darling.
It's like removing your hat in America.
Before sukiyaki,
a little hors d'oeuvre.
- Could I try some of that jam?
- Jam?
- That blackberry jam?
- Of course.
Actually, it's sort of a fishberry jam.
It's called caviar.
Now, some pickled octopus,
raw fish tails...
- It's salty, but I like it.
- Good. You have wonderful taste.
Vera, this is my little boy.
Patrick, I want you to meet a star.
A great lady of the theater
and my dearest friend, Vera Charles.
- Hello!
- How do you do?
She just loves little boys.
- Who's he?
- That's a Lithuanian bishop.
Doesn't speak a word of English.
Stimulating man! Oh, Your Grace.
He's a darling and so worldly
for a man of God.
Everything in the universe is composed
of the elements of Aristotle.
Thus man is fire, dust and air
mingled with water.
Acacius, darling,
this is my nephew Patrick.
This is Mr. Page, dear.
That means "Know thyself."
Mr. Page is an educator.
He runs a school where
they do advanced things.
You think you might
find room for Patrick?
For him, yes! In this boy,
I see already the fire, dust and air.
Add water and stir.
Would you want to go there?
- Do they wear uniforms?
- At my school, we wear nothing.
It's heaven! lt'll stimulate
his psyche and stir up his libido.
- What's libido?
- It's perfectly simple. It...
I'll tell you what we'll do.
Every time you hear a word you don't
understand, dear, write it down.
Later, I will explain it.
- I'm off, Mame.
- Lindsay! Lindsay, this is Patrick.
Patrick, I want you to meet
Lindsay Woolsey, the publisher.
- Circulate, darling. Circulate!
- New man in your life?
Little Patrick!
Guess I won't see much of you.
We'll go to the zoo,
the aquarium, the Philharmonic.
We'll be together constantly,
the three of us!
That's exactly what I had in mind.
- Good night, Mame. Thanks.
- Watch it, Phyllis.
- Some party!
- So good of you to come.
You played beautifully.
I can't thank you enough.
Goodbye, Mrs...
Of course.
There you are, my little love.
Come here with your Auntie Mame
and sit down a minute.
We'll really get to know each other.
Well, now, read me all the words
you don't understand.
"Libido, inferiority complex,
stinko, blotto... love, bathtub gin...
...monkey glands, Karl Marx."
Is he one of the Marx Brothers?
No, dear.
She last pretty good tonight.
Marie Antoinette room again?
Yes. Perhaps she'll wake up
without a head.
- Get that dog of a dress off her.
- Me tuck her in.
Is the English lady sick?
She's not English.
She's from Pittsburgh.
- She sounded English.
- She has to do something.
Now, where were we?
"Narcississistic, Lysissistrata...
...cubism, squiffed,
neurotic, heterosexual."
My, what an eager mind!
You won't need these words for months.
Your vocabulary needs work.
Didn't your father talk to you?
- I only saw him at breakfast.
- What did he say then?
He usually said, "Pipe down, kid.
The old man's hung."
That's succinct.
What did you do in Chicago for fun?
Norah took me to the movies
every Saturday afternoon.
I played Parcheesi with the doorman,
until he got fired.
Didn't they do anything cultural
for you? Well, never mind!
Your Auntie Mame will open doors
for you.
Doors you never even dreamed existed.
What times we'll have!
Now, what on earth did I do
with that will?
Now, it's here someplace.
Here we are!
Now, "Get mahjong lesson, hair done."
That can't be it. Yes, it is it!
Oh, dear. This is a legal document.
A lot of folderol about
the Knickerbocker Bank...
...and some Mr. Babcock,
your trustee...
Oh, I see! I have the responsibility
and your trustee has the authority.
Norah took me to a movie once
about a trustee.
There was a prison break.
A trustee saved the warden's daughter.
This isn't the kind of trustee
that lives in a prison. As a rule.
We'll tackle him
in our own good time.
Now, Patrick, is your Auntie Mame
anything like you expected?
No. The only picture I saw of you was
with a shawl and a rose in your teeth.
Like a Spanish lady.
It's in my suitcase.
Didn't your father tell you
anything about me before he died?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Well, what was it?
Come now, my little love.
You must always be frank
with your Auntie Mame.
Well, my father said, since you're
my only living relative...
...I might be living
with you someday, and...
But that to be left in your hands was
a fate he wouldn't wish on a dog.
What's that?
That is a B. The first letter of a
7-letter word that means your father.
Come, child,
I'll show you to your room.
It's a cozy little nook. My loom is
by the window. Do you weave?
You can sit at it. I have instructions
from a descendant of Pocahontas.
I began with an enormous rug.
It's that bell pull by the fireplace.
Your own little den.
How stupid of me.
I gave up weaving for sculpture.
That is, a sculptor friend
used this room for six months.
A divine man! Such talented fingers,
but what he did to my bust.
That's the head, you know.
I guess it's not quite ready yet.
The Marie Antoinette room! No, Vera's
there. You better camp out with me.
Shall we try this out for size?
- Perfect! Shall we...?
- I'll do it.
- Sheets. Where were the sheets...?
- When will you be home from the party?
What makes you think
I'm going to any party?
Just as I was getting used to
all them dragons. What is it?
Don't ask me. I didn't paint it.
Can I get in her room?
At 2:00? You'll be lucky
to get in by 5. She's sleeping.
- I'll start in the other room.
- Can't!
She's sleeping in two bedrooms?
No. It's the first lady of American
theater out cold in the guest room.
Again? What does she do, live here?
She don't live here. She drinks
and does her passing out here.
It's a wonder their blood
hasn't turned to vinegar.
In two weeks,
they've had 13 cocktail parties.
Only 13 in two weeks?
They had to call one off.
The bootlegger couldn't come that day.
Auntie Mame! Auntie Mame!
What is it? What happened?
I've got something to show you.
I built it. It has a rubber-band motor.
I built the body out of wood.
Please, darling,
your Auntie Mame is hung.
Sure, Auntie Mame.
- Sure.
- Patrick, Patrick, come back.
You know, I really am
interested in all your projects.
Child, how can you see
with all that light?
That's better. Be an angel
and tell lto to bring me breakfast.
Black coffee and a sidecar.
And a cold towel for Auntie Vera.
- Is she in the guest room again?
- Since Sunday. Run along, darling.
First, come and give your Auntie Mame
a good morning kiss.
Gently, darling, gently.
That was lovely.
I really am fascinated by aviation.
I never knew before
they did it all with rubber bands.
Miss Dennis? Yes, she's here.
Who's calling, please?
- Mr. Babcock.
- Hold the wire.
- It's Mr. Babcock, from the bank.
- I've been dodging him for days.
Well, hello, Mr. Babcock. How nice
to hear your voice at long last.
I too am looking forward
with anticipation to meeting you.
The little lad is fine.
He can't wait to meet you.
Hurry, my tray, darling!
Auntie needs fuel.
Do drop over anytime, Mr. Babcock.
In how many minutes?
Yes, 57th Street is right
in my neck of the woods.
Spitting distance?
How vivid. Come right along, then.
You can join me for tea.
That's right, number 3 Beekman Place.
Right away. Vera! Vera!
Vera! Vera! I am about to be attacked
by the Knickerbocker Bank.
- That's lovely.
- Vera!
Why'd that Oriental sandman
let me sleep in my best Chanel?
He tried but you bit him.
Patrick's trustee,
some hideous man... about to descend upon me
like a vulture and rob me of my child.
He's coming here?
In the middle of the night?
That moon's bright!
Stop being silly. I have got
to make the right impression!
The Knickerbocker Bank is so
conservative, they don't pay interest.
All right! Let's get organized.
What time is it, and what day is it?
I was due at the theater guild.
You can't desert me in my predicament.
What will I wear?
- How can I face the guild?
- Will this make me look Scarsdale?
- Have you ever been to Scarsdale?
- Good afternoon, Aunt Vera.
Do Lillian Gish.
Simple dress, Madonna-like hairdo.
Madonna-like hairdo. That's it.
A switch! A switch!
- You got one?
- Dozens.
- Do you throw anything away?
- I may go back to one of these colors.
- lf you kept your hair natural as l...
- I'd be bald! Pick one close to mine.
Try this. You need a dress like I wore
as Lady... That's stunning!
It's my new dress.
I haven't had it on yet.
I won't put $500 on my back
for that awful man. A suit will do.
- Hold it so I can braid it like a halo.
- I've got to go.
I can't let him see you. He'll think
I run a house for wanton women.
- I'll wear your mink.
- Over my dead body!
This dress is heaven.
You know, green suits me.
I think I'll phone up Maggie.
Put this on my head. Hurry!
No matter how it looks.
- I've got to go.
- Don't you dare leave me!
- You could care less about my career...
- Not already! Norah, lto, the door!
I've gotta get out before he gets in.
I can't leave him down in the foyer!
That's the third time!
- Be my friend for five minutes.
- I've been a friend!
Go down and make
Mr. Babcock feel at home.
But the theater guild!
Get out of my way! What am I gonna
do with this damn stinking halo?
You want?
I'm Mr. Babcock.
Miss Dennis is expecting me.
- You come in.
- Thank you.
- I take coat?
- Thank you. Thank you.
- You sit.
- Thank you.
Mr. Babcock? We've been expecting you.
My name is Patrick Dennis.
- Please sit down.
- Fine. Fine.
Auntie Mame will be right down.
She's having a little trouble
with her halo.
She'll be right down.
You look like a bully little chap.
Yes, sir, a bully little chap.
- You look very bully too.
- Yes.
Would you care
for a martini, Mr. Babcock?
Dry or extra dry?
Sit down, please. I'll make them
like I do for Mr. Woolcott.
Stir, never shake. Bruises the gin.
Would you care for an olive?
Auntie Mame says olives take up
too much room in such a little glass.
Why, Mr. Babcock!
What an honor it is
to have you in our little home.
I wonder if it makes the best first
impression on a sensitive young mind... see you drinking
during business hours.
- But he...
- I won't breathe a word to the bank.
Just one minute.
Where did he learn to mix...?
Mr. Babcock, knowledge is power.
That is exactly what I'm here for.
To discuss this boy's proper education.
- No, thank you.
- Won't you sit down?
He won't have to worry about his
future. His money is in steady bonds.
You'll agree that it's time he be
enrolled in an institution of learning.
- I'm already enrolled in...
- Let Mr. Babcock talk.
I've gone to pains to gather information
on some better boys' schools in town.
- I prefer coeducational schools.
- What do you mean?
Coeducational means when boys
and girls go to school together.
First, the Bixby School
which is known to be splendid.
Have you considered a school
run by Acacius Page?
It follows ancient Greek principles...
Your brother's will was most specific.
Conservative schooling, he said.
There's my alma mater,
St. Boniface in Massachusetts.
It's too far.
You'd better settle
on the Browning School.
It is known to be conservative
and this gives the boys basic...
- That's enough candy, dear.
- Sorry.
Not you, Mr. Babcock.
You can have all you want.
Have you thought of
the Dillman School? It's here...
Too experimental. You wanna keep
the riffraff out of the boy's life.
The school must be exclusive
and restricted.
Exclusively what
and restricted to whom?
We must spare the boy
certain influences...
...from the wrong side of the tracks,
shall we say?
- Mr. Babbitt...
- Babcock.
- Yes. It was very good of you to come.
- What school will it be?
Name the school, and Patrick
and I will know what to do.
- I'd say Bixby.
- Then bully for Bixby.
I'll make out a check to Bixby School.
You register him.
Whatever you say.
I say I'm very happy to have met you.
After the reports I'd heard,
I was prejudiced, and not in your favor.
But I find you a woman
with a very powerful charm.
And you're a man
with a very powerful bank.
Floor all scrubbed.
Clean just like old country.
I go now. Get lamb chops,
bottle of milk for boy.
- Pick up my coat!
- Bye, Aunt Vera!
Bye, kid!
Don't drop anything. What a marvelous
day! October's bright, blue weather.
All we've seen was the store.
Haven't even called my office.
Oh, stop complaining, Lindsay.
When are we going
to have time to ourselves?
I've had to make up Patrick's 10
neglected years in a matter of months.
Dr. Spock says it's impossible.
Does Dr. Spock mention
that a child needs a father?
There are a lot of women
who think I'm attractive.
Don't start that! How can I be a wife?
I'm too busy being a mother.
Oh, I forgot. One moment!
Thank you.
My hat! Thank you.
I hope Patrick likes the chemistry set,
the books, the atlas, the Kipling.
- I don't like your latest fad.
- Fad? Patrick?
I've seen you through yogi,
sculpture, dance and foods.
You take each as if nothing else
existed. Then you drop them.
You think he's a temporary enthusiasm?
- It's called "molding a new life."
- You've been in some mood.
- You deceitful, irresponsible bohemian!
- Whatever do you mean?
- You're not fit to raise a child!
- Something's happened?
Come here, you heathen!
- What's wrong?
- He came to my school...
I dropped by the Bixby School
and what did I find?
I find he isn't even registered!
I hunted through
every low, crackpot school.
- I found him in the lowest of them.
- Mr. Page is progressive.
There they were!
A room full of them!
Boys, girls, teachers, romping around
naked, bare as the day they were born.
The children were engaged in
normal, healthful, broadening pursuits.
Broadening? Show them what
you were doing when I broke in.
We were playing fish families.
It's part of constructive play.
- Listen to this.
- Show me.
We do it right after yogurt time.
Mrs. Page and all the girls
crouch down under the sun lamps...
...pretending to be lady fishes
depositing their eggs in the sand.
Then Mr. Page and all the boys
do what gentlemen fish do.
What could be more wholesome
or natural?
Natural? Well, it might
be natural for a sardine!
Mr. Babcock, I consider
your behavior most undignified.
Undignified? At least I wear a vest.
Making a scene. Causing
a traumatic experience for this child.
I know how you twist things around.
I'm getting out of this nudist camp...
...before you make me look
like the president of free love.
Mr. Babcock,
not in front of the B-O-Y.
Tomorrow morning I'm taking
this kid off to boarding school.
I am placing him
in St. Boniface Academy.
You'll only get him
Christmas and summer.
- I wish I could stop you from that!
- Do I have to?
- Please, I'll do whatever you say.
- Not on your life! He goes tomorrow.
- Let's be reasonable.
- I'll make him a decent Christian...
...if I have to break his bones.
Give me another chance.
I wouldn't give you the time
after the double-cross you pulled.
But he's all that I have!
Have him ready at 8:00 sharp tomorrow.
Kid, you'd better be wearing knickers!
I want to stay with you, Auntie Mame.
I don't want go to St. Bony-face.
Now, hush.
Hush, my little love.
I'm sure St. Boniface
is really very nice.
You go upstairs now, dear...
...and get ready for dinner.
We'll talk about it later.
Lindsay, what am I going to do?
Mame, I'm sorry.
Well, I...
I just don't think I can bear it.
I just don't.
I've never seen you cry before.
- Mame, are you home?
- Is that you, Vera?
What on earth does she want?
Have you talked to your stockbroker?
Yes, I can see you have.
- What about her stockbroker?
- He's trying to locate both of you.
- What happened?
- Nothing.
Except nothing's worth
anything anymore.
- Hello.
- Now, don't you worry.
It can't affect us. We own solid stuff
like Bank of the United States.
Missy Dennis, stockbroker want to say
hello before he jump out of window.
How bad is it, Arthur?
Not Bank of the United States.
Atwater Kent too?
Mame, I'm afraid you're wiped out.
We all are.
Everyone said I was a fool
spending all my money at Tiffany's.
Who cares about money?
I've lost my child.
- What?
- Patrick's trustee is sending him away.
Oh, Mame, darling.
I know how you must feel.
- Do you?
- Well, of course I do.
I never had a child,
but I'm an actress. I can imagine.
There must be something I can do.
I've got it! The perfect solution.
It'll solve everything. You'll work.
- Work?
- You'll return to the stage... my play, Midsummer Madness.
There are dozens of parts.
We open Thanksgiving in New Haven.
I'll call Max.
- Do you think I could?
- Of course you could. Couldn't she?
You'll have to work at something.
The only chance to get Patrick back
is to show Babcock...
...that you've settled down
into something steady.
Or to earn money to fight him with.
You're so right!
- About $500 a week to start.
- It'll be a bit in the last act.
Then there'll be a raise. I accept!
Your heart is from Tiffany's too.
It'll be like old times...
...when we were trooping together
in Chu Chin Girl. I can't wait!
This is a serious drama.
I was in front. Vera was behind me.
If I'd been behind you,
I'd have kicked...
I know exactly what I did.
It used to go:
That's it!
- An appalling situation.
- Frightful, my dear.
Where's Miss Dennis?
Keep your shirt on!
She's still making up.
She has a lousy two-line bit.
She's had two acts to make up.
Make sure she knows her entrance
is from the other side.
But in all fairness to him,
I believe she's been leading him on.
After all, she is a princess.
He, a commoner.
Everybody into the solarium.
I think I hear them coming now.
But, Reginald, to do such a thing!
To dash away together like this
would be mad.
Quite devastatingly mad.
Quite devastatingly mad.
Lord Dudley, your flattery would turn
a young girl's head.
Come now. Hurry to the ball.
If we tarry, we shall be late.
No, it would be madness.
I belong to one world, you to another.
It's better we part now.
Now, while we cherish
this ecstasy we've known.
What have you got back there,
This is goodbye, Reginald.
I hear the others coming.
Lord Dudley, no more champagne
or I shall forget myself altogether.
- I have... I have...
- I must say, you're the funniest man.
I have something to tell you!
I have been unexpectedly
called back home.
Prince Alex needs me
and my place is by his side.
It has been so lovely
this whole summer.
But after all, it has only been
midsummer madness.
Lady Iris, would you be good enough
to ring for my wrap?
Certainly, princess.
And get rid of those damn cowbells!
- May I help you, princess?
- Thank you, Lady Iris.
Goodbye, goodbye.
I shall always feel
a strong attachment to you all.
- Let go!
- I can't. I'm stuck.
Let go!
- It's my bracelet. It's caught on you.
- Bring down the curtain!
I was only...
Ruining my beautiful play
with your lousy bell ringing!
These are the only bracelets
I have in the world.
Enough! That's enough!
- Okay, strike the set!
- Why?
- I thought I'd give her character.
- You scene-stealing, society biddy!
You destroyed me!
There were critics out there!
We're all ruined!
Don't let me catch the sight of
your evil face again, you assassin!
But, Vera... You see...
I felt if I should make
something out of...
There weren't
many lines, and I felt...
Ms. Charles asked...
I thought you were very good,
Auntie Mame. Everybody noticed you.
My little love.
How did you get up to New Haven?
lto brought me up.
How could lto drive you up?
I sold the car.
He didn't drive. We hitchhiked.
Mr. Babcock thinks you're in school.
It's all right.
It's Thanksgiving vacation.
Is it?
Can I be your escort?
Can I take you back to your hotel?
You can take me all the way
back to New York.
Oh, Patrick.
Are you ashamed of your Auntie Mame?
I'm proud of you!
Nobody liked the stinky old play
at all until you came in.
Lady Iris?
...Lord Dudley.
Widdicombe, Gutterman,
Applewhite, Bibberman and Black.
You want to talk to Mr. Gutterman?
I'll connect you.
Widdicombe, Gutterman,
Applewhite, Bibberman and Black.
Yes, Mr. Bibberman. You'd like to talk
to Mr. Applewhite. I'll connect you.
Yes, long distance, how are you?
Mr. Widdicombe, I have
your San Francisco call for you.
Yes, Mr. Bibberman?
Did I connect you with Mr. Gutterman
instead of Mr. Applewhite? I'm sorry.
What are you doing in that hole
with Mr. Gutterman?
Yes, Mr. Widdicombe?
I'll try to reconnect you again
with San Francisco.
Let me see, Mr. Bibberman is in there.
Where is Mr. Applewhite?
There you are, Mr. Applewhite!
There's no such place as San Francisco.
Roller-skate lady.
Where is the roller-skate lady?
That stupid clerk sent me
two left skates.
Does Macy think my son
has two left feet?
If you'll just be patient, madam.
Where is the roller-skate lady?
- I don't know how I got in Tinkertoys.
- I want a pair of skates.
One moment. Oh, Mr. Loomis!
Will you help me with my sales slip?
Why don't you let me
send these COD?
- Then you wouldn't have to pay.
- I would eventually.
Of course, but why worry about it now?
Now, here's your slip.
It's so simple.
No big, bulky bundles to carry or lose
en route, as it were. I love COD.
- Excuse me, ma'am. Ma'am.
- Just one moment, please. Yes?
Can you assist me in ordering
24 pair of those roller skates?
Twenty-four pair!
My, what a proud father you must be.
I'm a single gentleman.
But there are tykes
at Oglethorpe Orphanage...
...that will be happy
to see that package.
That's a nice thing to do.
It's the true...
How much does that come to,
little lady?
You want to pay? Cash?
Just Oglethorpe Orphanage,
Wouldn't you prefer
if I sent them COD?
The nippers wouldn't think
much of their Santa Claus...
...if he filled their stockings
with bills for collection on delivery.
I haven't worked here long.
The only kind of sales slip
I know how to make out is COD.
I might be of assistance here.
- We'd get in a lot of trouble.
- I'm familiar with financial matters.
First, get your duplicates
and triplicates straightened out.
Mr. Macy wouldn't have any way
of knowing what you sold.
- That's why they have tissue paper!
- A nice, new order blank.
First name:
...Jackson Pickett Burnside.
That's a lot.
You took up all that space.
Ms. Dennis! May I inquire
what is going on here?
- He was helping me with the slip.
- This young lady, Ms. Dennis...
...was having trouble with the sales
slip for skates. I was helping her.
- Was there something unusual?
- Yes, he wanted to pay cash.
A Macy employee doesn't know
how to make a cash sale?
I'm a whiz at CODs.
You can tell.
Ms. Dennis, this sales book
is a shambles!
Goodbye, everybody,
and Merry Christmas.
That young lady was doing
the best she knew!
I consider myself
responsible for this!
The thing is a misunderstanding.
Don't forget the skates
for the little nippers!
Get them at Gimbels!
I'm not finished decorating yet.
You're home early.
They gave me my Christmas
vacation a little bit early.
I'm glad, because now
it fits with your vacation.
We won't miss even a day together.
Patrick, that's beautiful.
A genuine Picasso, huh?
His black and blue period.
It's almost a week till Christmas.
But open it.
Patrick, where did you get the money?
Mr. Leavitt down at the pawnshop...
...gave me a good price for
my hockey stick and microscope.
- I was getting tired of microbes.
- Now, you know you...
- My, my, my, my.
- They're not quite diamonds.
Oh, darling, that's the most beautiful
bracelet I ever owned.
Wiggle it.
See, it doesn't make any noise.
I told the man you had to have
a quiet one for when you go on-stage.
Wear it with your mink coat.
You'll make a sensation at Macy's.
I've already made
a sensation at Macy's.
My mink coat is down at Mr. Leavitt's
with your microscope.
If we're going to have Christmas,
let's have it all around.
Norah, lto! Come in, please!
Yes, Missy Dennis?
- Merry Christmas, everyone!
- It isn't till Tuesday.
We need it now,
so let's go ahead and have it.
Norah, lto, Patrick. I did want to pay
you some of your back salary...
Not another word about it.
We wouldn't think of leaving you.
No place else get job anyhow.
It isn't 17 jewels, but time isn't
worth all that decoration these days.
Thank you.
So French-smelling, I feel
as alluring as Theda Bara.
Golly, long pants at last!
Can I try them on right now?
Right now!
Well, we've got a little present
for you too, lto and me.
- I hope you're not going to be angry.
- What is it?
lto had money put by and so did I,
for a rainy day, you might say.
We both figure it couldn't get much
wetter than it is right now.
We pay grocery and butcher bill.
Now Mr. Schultz no give nasty look.
You're both so dear to me.
I'll pay you back one day.
You know I will...
...if ever I can.
You're a loving woman.
You're odd, but you're loving.
We wish that
you could find a man... wonderful and as fine
a gentleman as you are a fine lady.
What happened to Mr. Lindsay Woolsey?
He was a nice man.
Yes, he was a nice man,
but I sent him away.
I said no when I had money.
I couldn't say yes when I went broke.
Besides, I have my own
fine gentleman, Norah...
...who gives me diamonds
or almost diamonds.
What we need is some music.
Some Christmas carols!
Patrick, go to her.
Don't cry, Auntie Mame.
Please don't cry.
Hell, we don't even have any Kleenex.
If that's Santa Claus,
tell him we've already had it.
Howdy. Excuse me,
but I wondered if...
I declare, it's a miracle.
That's what it is.
It's a Christmas miracle.
You've got no idea how happy I am.
I've been looking all over for you.
Do you realize there are 97 Dennises
in the Manhattan directory?
I was just about ready
to sail for Brooklyn.
Tell me why you came here.
I went back to apologize to you,
but you was gone.
I told them Macy folks
that they was wrong.
Why, a woman of your culture
and charm and refinement...
...should have
an executive position...
...with a lot of hard hands to wrestle
with them pesky writing details.
Would you excuse me?
I want to pay off that taxi man,
so he can get home.
You left the taxi meter running
in the middle of the Depression?
Well, ma'am, I'm in oil.
It just keeps on gushing
and not much I can do about it.
I'm all alone here and if you wouldn't
consider me too presumptuous...
...l'd be honored
to squire you to dinner.
No, thank you. We're celebrating.
I can't leave my little family.
I can understand that.
I'm knee-deep in family.
You ought to come to Georgia
and meet them all.
- I think you'd just love Peckerwood.
- Who's Peckerwood?
No, ma'am. That's the name
of my little old plantation.
Maybe, just for tonight, I could
be part of your little old family?
- And we'd have dinner together.
- I'm not dressed.
You look fine.
You don't need to worry.
A little powder and you'll look...
Just fine.
Look here, I'll tell
that nice taxi man to wait.
Marry him the minute he asks you!
What's his name?
- You don't know his name.
- I do.
We are about to break bread with
Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside.
Get your coat.
Ito, change your jacket. Now, hurry!
And you'd better bring your scarf,
it's cold outside.
Norah, don't forget
to take your apron off.
Ito, hurry!
I was going to give you this
at dinner.
Norah, you're an angel.
There must be one for you too.
Me never believe in Santa.
Me beginning to change mind.
I never did think Santa
would have a Southern accent!
Merry Christmas from
Manny, Moe and Jack.
Merry Christmas to y'all, Manny, Moe
and Jack. And a Happy New Year!
Good morning.
Where's my snuffbox?
What son of a dog stole my snuffbox?
It's in your lap, Mother Burnside.
Where is she?
I don't see any New York filly here.
Just the same old family
standing around...
...waiting to be mentioned in my will.
- Afternoon to y'all. Vultures!
- Good afternoon.
Now, Ms. Burnside,
that doesn't include me, does it?
No, Sally Cato, you ain't no vulture.
You're just a dead pigeon.
I can't see how you got
Beauregard out of your nest.
You should've sat on him.
Son? We got our sweet
Georgia peaches right here.
Don't know why you had to go
and bring back a Northern lemon.
Let's keep our grits going
in the right direction.
My Auntie Mame, Miss Dennis,
says she'll be here in a moment.
Well, now, what a lovable,
genteel little gentleman!
You and my brother
are gonna get along... a pair of colts in a pasture,
I can just tell.
- Your sister's nice.
- Nice?
You're plumb crazy. She's the meanest
damn filly in the entire South.
Mame, where are you?
We're all waiting on you.
- I'm coming, Beau, sugar.
- There we are, honey.
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
I'm just busting to meet your mother.
Mother, dear, I'd like
to present Miss Mame Dennis.
Well, I...
I must say, Mrs. Burnside,
you're everything I ever expected.
- And quite more.
- And these here are my...
Bless you.
These are the rest of my kin.
The Jacksons, Picketts, Burnsides.
This is Sally Cato MacDougal.
Stay out here and have a nice chat.
I'm gonna fix you a drink.
And then we're gonna run along down
and I'll have you meet my horses.
Well, I...
I can't tell you how charming
it is to meet all of... all.
Tell me, Miss Dennis...
May I call you "Mame"?
- Please do.
- And you call me Sally Cato.
- Thank you.
- Tell me...
...was it horses brought you
and Beauregard together?
A horse is the most important
thing in his life.
I love riding. In New York, hardly a
day goes by, I don't have boots on.
Up every morning at dawn
for a ride through Central Park.
That settles it. In your honor,
we've got to have a hunt.
A hunt? Oh, a hunt. A hunt?!
Everybody, Beauregard's gone
and surprised us all!
She's a prominent Northern horsewoman.
Naturally, we've got to have a hunt.
Dawn, tomorrow morning.
Everybody's invited!
Won't we have a lark?
The sun up...
...leaping over hedges, jumping over
river gaps and the hounds yapping!
Every eye in this county
will be on you tomorrow.
I didn't bring any of my riding togs.
Don't worry, I got dozens
of things you can wear.
- What's your shoe size?
- 3B.
That's marvelous! Same as I wear.
You do ride astride, Mame, dear?
No, sidesaddle. Daddy,
the colonel, insisted that I learn it.
He said it was the only way for a lady
to ride, so graceful. Silly of him.
Nobody rides sidesaddle now,
but it's the only way I know.
Now, isn't that just grand?
I just happen to have a little
sidesaddle that'll do you fine.
- Refreshments?
- Beau, darling...
...we're having a hunt. Your sweet
Yankee girl is riding sidesaddle!
- I won't permit it. It's too dangerous!
- But, darling, she's insisted.
Well, anything that Mame says
she can do, she can do.
I tell you, she's an amazing woman.
Mame, sugar...
...l'm just gonna hold my breath
until dawn tomorrow.
Do that, honey.
Stop looking at the pictures.
Read it to me, I'm listening.
"How to Ride a Horse."
It says, "Always get on the horse
from the left side."
- My left side or the horse's left side?
- It doesn't say. Listen to this.
"Whenever approaching
a strange mount...
...fix the animal in the eye
with a masterful gaze.
Remain calm, for a horse has
a highly developed sense of smell...
...and can react dangerously
when he smells fear."
I hope he likes Chanel No. 5.
I didn't know this.
"Horses aren't native to America."
Read me something useful.
I'm about to go over the top.
Clearing fences.
It says you should always lean.
Jumping water hazards.
"Don't lean. Sit erect."
Don't lean. Sit erect.
Say your prayers.
Be good to Norah and lto
after I'm gone.
I think Sally left a foot in this one.
- Let me help you.
- No, darling. It's no use.
Why are you going through all this?
If I can snag you an Uncle Beau,
all our problems will be solved.
Besides, there's another minor,
relatively unimportant thing:
I happen to be in love with him.
I like Beau. I like him a lot.
Then it's all settled!
Not so fast,
he hasn't asked me anything yet.
- You dressed yet, Mame, honey?
- Come in, Beau, darling.
- Oh, my, how handsome you look!
- Well, likewise, Mame.
Hold it steady,
I want to get a picture of this.
That's it. Now, give me
a nice pose, Mame, darling.
And big smile! That's a girl.
There we are. You have now
been immortalized in celluloid.
You must have left it in my room.
I'll find it.
Thank you.
I've got something to say. I'll have
to say it fast or not say it at all.
Talk slow then, Beau, darling.
I can listen fast.
Well, Mame, you and I don't
exactly come from the same world.
Not that I think I'm worth...
There comes a time in every life...
Mame, I'm just gonna have
to come right out and say it.
Well, I'm gonna ask you to...
Mame, would you...?
- I mean, could you...?
- Mame! Mame, darling!
It's me, Sally Cato!
I wanted to see if there was anything...
Oh, hello, Beau.
Was I interrupting?
There's the signal, darling!
Come on, let's hurry.
- Well, shall we to the hounds?
- Yeah, I'd love to meet your family.
- We almost thought you wasn't coming.
- Morning. Lovely day for a hunt.
Sugar, you look absolutely dreamy.
Say, boys, you can bring
Miss Dennis' horse around now!
Well, what a break.
Glorious weather for the hunt.
I thought it might rain,
we'd call it off.
Well, where are we riding to?
Outside of the hounds, of course.
It's a good 10-mile course,
for those that makes it.
- I can try.
- This way, Auntie Mame.
- Morning, Miss Dennis.
- Morning.
Well, has he?
Not yet. So I die an old maid
sometime before lunch.
No, you won't. You look convincing,
like a magazine cover.
Horror Stories.
- What's in there?
- That's the horse I picked out for you.
- What's his name?
- Meditation.
I'll trip you. You'd only break a leg.
I can't disgrace Beau,
not in front of all these people.
Fix the animal in the eye
with a masterful gaze.
Fix the master in the eye
with an animal gaze.
Fix the aster in the maze
with an animal guy.
You look fit. They're bringing
the fox up from the icehouse.
Come on, let's go, everybody!
Goodbye, Yankee gal!
- Where does she think she's going?
- Look at him go!
- Fall off! Fall off!
- Look out for that flood wall!
- Auntie Mame, fall off! Fall off!
- Look out! Look out!
Danged if she didn't sail
clear over it! No hands!
Look at her! She's passing everybody!
She's passing the master
of the hounds! Very bad form.
She's passing the dogs!
Mother of Jefferson Davis,
she's passing the fox!
Ms. Burnside! I was driving by.
I thought I saw...
- That couldn't be Meditation!
- Yes, fine bit of horseflesh.
He's a killer! I gotta stop this!
They're headed back this way!
Stay out of the flowerbed!
Get that horse out of my bougainvillea!
She's heading for the icehouse!
That's my car! That's county property!
- Mame, where are you?
- She come this way.
There you are!
Darling, are you all right?
If I hadn't grabbed on to this,
I'd have been in Nova Scotia!
- What happened to the fox?
- Poor thing is all tuckered out.
Oh, my little love!
As county veterinarian, I commanded you
two years ago to destroy that horse!
Letting her ride this horse,
superb horsewoman that she is...
...that was premeditated murder!
Let's have three cheers, everybody,
for my little Yankee!
What a seat that woman has!
What a magnificent seat!
Look here, everybody,
I want three cheers...
...for the future Mrs. Beauregard
Jackson Pickett Burnside!
- Hip, hip...
- Hooray!
- Hip, hip...
- Hooray!
Emory, come on home!
Hot damn!
My sister's gonna bust a gut!
What are y'all standing around for?
Come back to the house.
We'll have a glass of whiskey.
- Oh, Beau!
- Come on, Mame, darling.
Here we are. Take it easy, now.
Mame, I'm sorry about making
my proposal so public...
...but I'm gonna do everything I can
to make you happy.
Of course, you'll have to educate me.
Make me more cosmopolitan.
For a honeymoon, let's take a trip
around the world for a few years.
Oh, Beau! That's...
- Darling, excuse me a minute.
- Sure.
- My little love.
- Congratulations, Auntie Mame.
Your Auntie Mame's in love
and very happy.
I won't see you for a long time.
Patrick, nothing can ever
really separate us.
You'll join us on all your vacations.
The rest of the time,
you'll be busy at school.
I'll just have two men instead of one.
And I'll write to you every day,
I promise.
You don't think I'd run off and
abandon you to the Babcocks, do you?
You're stuck with me
whether you like it or not.
Now let me see you smile.
I want to see it.
Where is it? That's my boy!
Can I ask you just one question?
How did you stay on that horse?
It's like New Haven with the bracelet.
I got stuck, but at the other end.
"Dear Auntie Mame: I plan to spend this
holiday with Mr. Babcock in Darien."
- Hold it right there, darling.
- Now, no higher, Beau.
"Junior Babcock
and I have fun there...
...and I have met the kids from all
the best families in Connecticut."
Oh, dear.
I have a feeling we should be
getting back. Patrick needs me.
- That last one was the best one yet.
- Good, darling.
- Now, did you put film in this time?
- I sure did.
- Oh, dang!
- Up, up, Rover! Up, up!
- Mrs. Burnside.
- Mr. Babcock.
- So good to see you again.
- Thank you. Nice to see you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Mame! Up here, Mame, honey!
That's it. Give me a nice smile.
I gotcha.
Mame, honey. Look up here.
Come, Patrick. Do be careful, darling.
Now, give me a nice smile.
Patrick, take off your hat.
Now, give me a nice smile.
That's it.
I got it.
- Dennis?
- Hey, Dennis!
- Sign here.
- It's another one for you! Dennis!
Siam this time.
Siam. "Dear Patrick:
Here's a handy woman to have
around the house. Love, Auntie Mame."
Here we are, darling.
You all right?
Next time, let's take the elevator.
It's 10,000 feet up.
We only got another mile to go.
Why don't you stay here
and rest a while?
I'll go up and get some film of you.
- I'll finish Patrick's letter.
- All right.
"Have to dash.
Dinner at Uncle Dwight's.
That's Babcock,
the baboon-faced boy to you.
Old Babcock's introducing me
to all the blond heiresses...
...on the Eastern seaboard."
Blond heiresses? Dwight?
Beau? Beau!
I knew that letter was worrying you.
I already made reservations back.
Good. Well then, let's get back down.
Wait a minute,
I still got a little more film left.
Mame, would you mind
stepping back just a bit?
- I'd rather not.
- Never mind, I'll scale up higher.
Now, Beau, no higher!
Take this.
It keeps on getting in my way.
Take hold of the other end
for your balance.
Don't you worry.
Just be looking out at the view there.
Hold it now, will you?
Now, you hold on tight while I re-focus.
Heavens, this looks like
the main chapel of a funeral parlor.
- Haven't Norah and lto been alerted?
- They'll be here tomorrow.
- What's that thing supposed to be?
- A Dictaphone.
She'll never use it. Patrick's carried
all this junk up here for nothing.
Mame can't stay still long enough
to write a postcard, let alone a book.
No, he was right.
Mame can't go on living in a vacuum.
- She's always got to have a project.
- She's got one.
Now, she's the tragic queen.
She's having such fun being miserable.
All she's done for 10 months is revisit
the places she's been with Beau.
Eight times, she climbed the Matterhorn
to throw rose petals down the glacier.
I should have gone to meet her.
I haven't seen her since the funeral.
Wasn't it just like Mame
to keep him till I got there?
Listen, you cynic, she was in love
with him. She's changed, I tell you.
Look, I'll get some champagne.
I'll answer it.
She can't have changed that much.
- I'm from Speed-O.
- You're what?
Patrick called a secretarial service.
Your name?
Agnes Gooch.
You'll be taking dictation from
Mrs. Burnside. She talks very fast.
Speed-O won't let anybody out
who can't do 180 words a minute.
- I'm over 200.
- No, you're not.
She may let loose
with a million words and ideas.
Soak them all up, like a sponge.
Speed-O better have symbols
for four-letter words.
Lindsay, Mame will never write a book.
But Patrick got a fella to help her.
He'll be here at 3:00.
What fella?
- That's the signal.
- What signal?
Patrick wants us to surprise Mame.
Come on, hide. In there, quick!
You too, Miss Gooch.
Why are you ringing?
Don't you have a key?
Oh, of course! What am I thinking of?
Welcome home.
Good old Beekman Place.
Always so loyal.
No matter how far I go, it waits
for me. I hope you used it weekends.
No, I didn't. I usually go from school
to Connecticut, to Uncle Dwight's.
I did rather expect Vera
to be down at the boat.
I wouldn't let her.
I wanted to be alone with you.
Patrick! My little Patrick.
Now, open your presents.
I can't get over it. Every time I see
you, you're taller and more grown-up.
Oh, golly, short pants! At last.
Can I try them on right now?
Right now.
Surprise! Welcome home, Mame!
And dear, staunch, stalwart Lindsay.
How good of you both to rally
around this bereft old woman.
- Doesn't she look great?
- How can you tell?
Couldn't you have gone
to purple by now?
Come on, Auntie Mame,
champagne and fishberry jam.
No, Patrick. The bubbles
no longer tickle my nose.
I've given up alcohol,
along with everything else.
It's wonderful of you all.
Very touching, but... What's that?
It's your Dictaphone
and your typewriter.
- And what's that?
- I'm your sponge.
- This is your secretary.
- My secretary?
- Yes. You'll write your autobiography.
- Me? Write a book?
No one's had a more colorful life.
You've known fascinating people:
Winston Churchill, Gandhi, me.
You'll be so busy digging up the past,
you won't think of the present.
- And I promise to publish it.
- Oh, I see.
This is some sort of conspiracy.
Some trumped-up occupational therapy,
like basket weaving.
I swear, it'll be a bestseller.
And you'd be doing me a favor.
- My memoirs? Patrick, my drink.
- Champagne?
Anything, just make it double. I see
it in two volumes. Boxed, like Proust.
- Let me see. Chapter one, page one.
- She's supposed to start right now?
This isn't so difficult. Another drink.
Where was I? Chapter one, page one...
- What are you writing?
- "Chapter one, page one.
This isn't so difficult. Another drink.
Where was I? What are you writing?"
She is fast.
You're off and running.
Should I do this? lt'll take up all
my time. I came home to be with you.
After all, you can't be with me.
No women in the dorm.
I forgot, you're grown-up now.
You don't need me anymore.
Nobody needs me anymore. It's sad...
How do you turn her off?
The most important thing is
to have a good beginning.
- Wait for your collaborator.
- Collaborator?
Yes. My friend got a kind
of editor to work with you.
Fella named O'Bannion.
You don't trust me to write
my own life? He got me a ghost!
- It's not a ghost.
- I see it all now. A ghostwriter!
I won't expose my life
to some beer-drinking Irishman...
...who leads a low, common life
in some Third Avenue bar!
You don't trust me to write my life?
Who else could write it?
Whoever this creature is...
Mr. O'Bannion to see you.
I was asked to drop by to meet
the fabulous Mrs. Burnside.
You are she, of course.
I can sense the aura
of creative vitality about you.
Won't you come in, Mr. O'Bannion?
I thought by way
of introduction, Mrs. Burnside...
...l'd present you with a slim volume
of my poems, The Parched Garden.
What a lovely title. Thank you.
Do you mind if I sit down?
That long ride up in the elevator,
it's after getting me dizzy.
- I'll get you a bit of water.
- No, please don't bother.
Of course, a bit of champagne,
if it's handy.
It seems to help.
Thank you.
It's the other one.
Tell me, how did it happen?
Well, it was in 1922.
The Great Rebellion.
Even a lad of 15 can feel strongly
about his country's independence.
How nice.
Tell me, Mr. O'Bannion.
Do you think you and I
can ever get anyplace?
With the book, I mean.
Well, we've both known sorrow.
I feel that you and I are going
to create something.
Something beautiful.
Actually, my child, it was so sad.
Mother died in childbirth.
It was a dreadful thing.
And Father traveled all the time.
How difficult he was.
But I must be fair to Father.
Remind me to do a whole new chapter
about him. No, no, take that out.
And I had to start working
when I was 8.
I went next door and said,
"Can I baby-sit? Can I do something?"
After all, I was a child. I said,
"I need clothes. Parties. Pretties."
Please, Miss Gooch!
How can I court the muse
with all that clackety-clack?
I'm sorry. I'm only taking off
what Mrs. Burnside dictated.
Everything Mrs. Burnside
dictates is so wonderful.
When I think of the things
she's done...
...and think of the things
I haven't done, I could just die.
But it's so exciting
being in this house.
Just imagine, a Japanese houseboy...
...all those artistic friends...
...and you, Mr. O'Bannion.
I'll get it, Brian. Hello.
Hello, Lindsay.
It's coming along.
Well, it's only been three months.
Brian is polishing and perfecting it.
A party? Oh, I'd...
No, I'm afraid not.
Brian couldn't possibly...
What is it, my dear?
Lindsay feels that Warner Bros.
might pay for our book... a vehicle for Bette Davis. He's
meeting Jack Warner tonight, but l...
Mrs. Burnside and I couldn't
possibly allow our work... be defiled
by a movie company.
But, just as a courtesy,
we'll come and discuss it.
About 8:30? A black tie?
All right, and thank you very much.
Brian, you accepted! It might do you
good to get back in the world.
- Here's what you dictated.
- Thank you.
And here's what Mr. O'Bannion edited.
Mr. O'Bannion and I are going to work,
so why don't you do...
...whatever it is you do do to relax.
Thank you, Mrs. Burnside.
I think I'll just fix myself
a Dr. Pepper.
I'm worried.
We have little to show Mr. Warner.
We'll tell him the story. How long
will it take to finish this book?
Flaubert spent 13 years
on Madame Bovary.
- Where were we?
- Give us our last sentence.
"My puberty in Buffalo was drab."
Oh, no, no. It has no majesty.
"Drab" is such a drab word.
How right you are, Brian.
It has no afflatus.
What about "bleak"?
Bleak? Bleak.
How bleak was my puberty.
Bleak Buffalo! Hear how
the words cling to each other?
Like a man and woman in each other's
arms. Listen to the words sing!
How bleak was my puberty!
I'm sorry.
Come, Mame. Let us lie down in front
of the fire and stare at the flames.
It will help stir the flames
of our inspiration.
Yes. Well, now, Brian.
Will the general public understand
all this symbolism?
"Like an echo from the caves
of Kakamora...
...I came forth whilst Deirdre
wept cool tears."
Wouldn't it be simpler to say, "The
day I was born, it rained in Buffalo"?
- It's drab.
- It's drab, but it's clear.
Here is clarity. I stayed awake half
the night to sift it from obscurity.
In the blank gray midnight
of me haunted garden
Your soft form appeared raining
kisses on the parched earth of me lips.
What's come over you?
Now, you mustn't!
Besides, it takes Agnes no time at all
to knock off a Dr. Pepper.
Brian, you mustn't!
Do not withdraw this wondrous water,
for without you...
I rinsed out the glass.
Aren't you neat?
It came from the fiber of my being.
That's why I'm so tired today.
You could revitalize me
with a single, motherly kiss.
What's happened to you?
- I'm revitalized!
- You're recharged.
Don't you come near me!
You're old enough to be my mother!
I'm going to your room...
I mean, my room. Ito!
- You'll kill yourself.
- What a way to die. I'm mad for you.
You've poured your strength into me.
And I want to pour it right back.
This is ridiculous.
It's like having a crush
on your teacher. Or your analyst.
Stop it!
Hello, anybody?
Hello, Auntie Mame.
- Hello, Dennis.
- I'm so glad to see you, darling.
Mrs. Burnside and I were
just working on the book.
- I bet that's gonna be some book.
- Why are you home from school?
I had to talk to you.
You have things to talk about.
I'll go to my room and change.
- His room? Is he living here?
- Of course.
He was living in some miserable flat.
Since we're working together
night and day...
Let me tell you something about
that spiritual Irish poet...
You don't have to tell me a thing.
It looks very cozy.
For a minute, you sounded like
someone from the Knickerbocker Bank.
Please get O'Bannion out of here.
Right away.
- I beg your pardon?
- I don't want him in this house.
Aren't you taking rather an imperious
tone? Mr. O'Bannion is my colleague.
Colleague, my foot!
Gloria would never understand...
Who is Gloria?
Auntie Mame, listen to me.
I've met a girl.
I've been going with her
for several months.
She's a very special girl, and...
I should have told you
about her before.
I would have, but I knew you
were tied up with the book...
...and everything.
And until now it wasn't definite.
What's definite now?
Gloria's the girl.
That's what's definite.
- You're going to meet her. Tonight.
- You didn't leave her in the car?
I left her at her girlfriend's house.
She wanted to spruce up.
- I'd better spruce up too.
- I'll bring her in 10 minutes.
I'll have my face all organized.
What did you do with
me evening slippers?
- It's all right. I found them.
- Wait a minute.
If he's still in the house...
...l'm not gonna bring Gloria
back here.
May I inquire why?
Gloria is a very sensitive
and well brought-up girl.
I don't want you flaunting
your new flames...
...and old peccadilloes
in front of her.
Then why bring her here at all?
Want to know the truth?
I've been trying to avoid it.
She wanted to meet you.
I see.
You dropped by to see
that I was all...
...scrubbed up and presentable
for inspection, is that it?
And to tell you that
while she's here...
...for five minutes to try to act
like a normal human being.
Gloria's from
a very conservative family.
She doesn't have to know
about things...
...ordinary mortals
simply don't have to know about.
Should she know you've turned into
one of the most beastly, bourgeois...
...Babbitty little snobs
on the Eastern seaboard?
Or will you be able to make that
quite clear without any help from me?
Well, it's been nice knowing you.
Auntie Mame?
Darling. I love you so.
I'd do anything for you. I'd denounce
Calvin Coolidge as a Bolshevik.
Gloria had better like you or
I'll bill her one square in the chops.
I'll get him out of here and have
the whole place fumigated. I promise.
Thanks, Auntie Mame.
- Why aren't you dressed?
- Would you mind going without me?
- You want me to go alone?
- Something came up.
Hurry up and get dressed.
I am not going to that party alone.
If there's nothing more you wanted,
I just thought I'd go up to my room.
I wonder.
Is anything wrong, Mrs. Burnside?
- You're coming out.
- Where?
You know, you have
very beautiful eyes.
Take these glasses off forever.
I can't see out of my right eye.
Then look out of your left one.
Now, now, now, now.
You do have a bust!
Where have you been hiding that
all these months?
- What do you call those?
- Orthopedic Oxfords.
Kick them off. Now take
off your clothes. Norah, lto!
There's a man in the house.
Will you stop being a goose
and get these clothes off?
Norah? lto? Where are you
when I need you?
I don't have a very clear picture
of what's going on.
Now, Agnes, dear...
...I am sending you to that party
tonight with Mr. O'Bannion.
I couldn't. I'm too nervous!
This will calm you down.
Oh, no! Spirits do
the most terrible things to me.
- I'm not the same girl.
- What's wrong with that?
Will it mix with Dr. Pepper?
He'll love it. Drink!
Norah, go get my black Patou velvet.
Ito, lay out my cosmetics,
my cold cream, everything.
You see, me be Charlie of the Ritz.
Come, child.
I think I know what you want me to do.
I'm not a bit sure I want to do it.
Agnes, where is your spine?
You've taken my dictation for weeks and
you don't get the message of my book.
- Live, that's the message.
- Live?
Yes! Life is a banquet and
most poor suckers are starving.
Now, come on, Agnes, live!
Come, child. Live!
The whole place has gone nuts.
She'll never make a silk purse
out of that sow's ear.
Mrs. Burnside, I can't breathe!
Good, good. If you can breathe,
it isn't tight enough.
- And why aren't you dressed?
- I am not going to that party tonight.
Then I'm not going either.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!
Well, you can use the Duesenberg.
And I have a date for you.
Agnes?! You can't expect...
Would you ask Toscanini
to lead a harmonica band?
I won't take Gooch,
she's an offense to the sight.
It's good her mother, the Countess
de Gooch, can't hear you.
She'd pull your beard.
Countess? You're joking.
Surely you've heard of the de Gooches?
Second wealthiest bankers.
Fabulous estate at Newport.
This child is just doing this
for a little literary experience.
Agnes. No, no, no.
Agnes, head up, dear.
Shoulders back. Tummy in.
Agnes, tonight you are
queen of Romania.
Agnes. On your feet.
Darling, you look divine.
- Do I really?
- Yes, now come along.
Hang those furs on the Gooch. Hurry.
Auntie Mame, Gloria Upson.
This is my Auntie Mame, Mrs. Burnside.
I can't tell you how pleased
I am to make your acquaintance.
Yes. Come in, children.
Do, please.
There's some friends
I'd like you to meet.
This is my secretary, Miss Gooch.
My Boswell, as it were.
Miss Upson and my nephew, Patrick.
What is your boyfriend's name?
O'Bannion. Mr. O'Bannion.
Well, now, you two run along
and have a good time.
Well, good night!
I can't tell you how pleased I am
to have met you, Mr. O'Bannion.
And Miss Boswell.
Well, Patrick tells me
how special you are to him.
That means you're very special
to me too.
- My, what a stunning apartment.
- Thank you.
Books are awfully decorative,
don't you think?
Won't you sit down?
- Can I get you something? A cognac?
- Another hot chocolate?
Not a thing. On our way to Bunny's,
my friend who lives on Park Avenue...
...Patrick and I just stuffed
ourselves at Schrafft's.
Do you know what
your silly nephew did?
He spoke French to the counterman.
Imagine anybody speaking French
to a counterman at Schrafft's.
If nobody minds,
I think I'll have something.
You're at school, dear?
I'm an Upper Richmond
Girls' School girl.
How did you get that lovely tan
so early in spring?
I played hooky for a couple of weeks.
Mums and Daddums and I went
to our place in Fort Lauderdale.
I was out of my mind
until she got back.
I'm insanely jealous of this kid.
It's torture and I love it.
Tell me, dear, have you
chosen your major yet?
Chosen my major?
What courses are you taking
at college?
Just a general sort of liberal arts
thing. English Lit and like that.
Upper Richmond's top drawer.
Really top drawer.
How did you two ever get acquainted?
Uncle Dwight introduced us.
Uncle Dwight? Oh, yes.
Well, he's not really my uncle.
But he's been a close friend
of the family since I was a girl...
...with braces on my teeth.
One day I must meet Mums and Daddums.
We won't bother you with family stuff.
Naturally, we'll expect you
at the wedding.
The wedding?
Is there a wedding?
I told you it was definite,
Auntie Mame.
Well, it's awfully good of you
to let me know.
We've decided on a September wedding
at our place in Montebank.
Tell me, just where is Montebank?
It's above Darien. You'll love it.
It's awfully pretty
and terribly handy to the city.
Of course, it's completely restricted.
I'll get a blood test.
We'd better hurry
to catch that Italian picture.
Those awful foreign movies.
What I go through for your nephew.
But he is kind of cute, isn't he?
Yes, isn't he?
I'm pleased to have made
your acquaintance.
Thank you, dear.
Well? Isn't she terrific?
Yes, dear. Yes, she is.
So are you, Auntie Mame.
You're really top drawer. I mean...
Well, you know what I mean.
Now, why did I ever buy him
those long pants?
Hang on to the red dye pot. I may
want it after visiting the Upsons.
It's just what you wanted.
If a bit drab.
Did you bring the car?
I go to garage. No Duesenberg.
Mr. O'Bannion no bring back.
I hope nothing has happened...
To Agnes.
I'll call Mr. Lindsay and borrow one.
Don't forget the maps and martinis.
What happened, Missy Gooch?
I lived.
What kind party was that?
I don't remember. All that champagne,
I don't remember a thing.
I think we went to a movie.
Yeah, there was a wedding in it.
And Gary Cooper was the groom.
I don't remember who the girl was,
but it made me cry.
Where's Mrs. Burnside?
She get ready for Connecticut.
Where Duesenberg?
I don't know. Mr. O'Bannion said
he just had to meet my mother.
Then we got on the Staten Island Ferry
and he disappeared.
I've got to see Mrs. Burnside
before she goes.
Is anything wrong?
I did just what she told me. I lived.
I've gotta find out what to do now.
I think it's a very good match
for our little Gloria.
Why didn't Dwight want us
to meet the aunt?
We never would have
if she hadn't phoned.
I'm glad she did.
I've been dying to get a look at her.
- Where is she now?
- Freshening up in the guest room.
That certainly is an expensive outfit
she's wearing.
I looked at the label in her coat.
I'll bet she's better fixed
than Dwight figured.
I hope it's all right to have
a cocktail hour in the patio.
She may think we live like gypsies.
You show me a gypsy
that lives like we do.
Claude, you be genteel
in front of Mrs. Burnside.
That must be she.
We're out here on the patio,
Mrs. Burnside.
What a delightful spot you have here.
We adore Montebank.
Of course, we always spend summers
at our camp in the Adirondacks.
We call it Upson Pines.
We leave next week.
There's one thing we ought
to get straight right off.
You do take a little nip,
now and then?
On festive occasions.
I'll have an Upson daiquiri
ready in a minute.
I can't get over the thought you've
given every detail of your house.
We've done all we could to make it
seem like authentic Colonial America.
And how well you've succeeded.
Those enchanting miniatures in the
powder room of John Quincy Adams.
- Did you see our driveway signpost?
- I did.
What a divine name you've
given this place, Upson Downs.
- I'll bet you thought of that.
- That was Claude.
I'm just a homebody.
Claude is the clever one.
- Now, Mrs. Upson...
- Doris, dear.
Doris, dear.
Well, you must call me Mame.
Well, Mamie old girl,
here's your poison.
I use a secret ingredient I learned
from a native in Havana, Cuba.
You'll never guess what
that secret ingredient is.
I'll say this much, there's no sugar
in a Claude Upson daiquiri.
And yet it's so sweet.
Whatever do you use?
Chocolate ice cream?
Say, that's rich!
Did you hear that, Doris?
Chocolate ice cream!
Since you're practically one of the
family, I'll let you in on my secret.
I beg pardon?
Strained honey. That's the secret.
Of course, I use quite
a little rum too.
Now, Mamie, I've made these
especially for you, dear.
Oh, my! Don't they look delicious?
Well, well, well.
What are they?
I put two cans of tuna fish
through the meat grinder...
...then add clam juice
and peanut butter.
It's a recipe from
Ladies' Home Journal.
These are plain Jack
cheese and chutney.
Now, sit you down, Mamie.
I've something special to show you.
Baby pictures of Gloria?
The whole family, more or less.
On a bear rug. Isn't that precious?
Better not let Patrick see that one.
That's Miss Tuttail,
Little Glory's first school teacher.
I think the light
was hurting her eyes.
Enough of this girly-girly talk.
Since we have Mamie here,
we ought to let her know the plans.
- Plans?
- For Patrick's career.
Dwight Babcock and I
have that coordinated.
After the honeymoon,
I want Patrick to choose.
I can slip him into a berth on Madison
Avenue or a seat on the stock exchange.
A seat and a berth...
Pardon me. I'm so sorry.
Mamie, you're a pretty fast drinker.
Don't worry, I'm way ahead of you.
- You don't happen to like gin, do you?
- I adore it.
After dinner,
we'll get out the cards and play.
Now we come to the problem of the
wedding present. I have that settled.
Now, here's my idea, Mamie:
Why don't you and I get together
and buy the newlyweds that?
- What?
- That lot, right next door.
Wouldn't that make a wedding present?
We could take out this wall
and join our patios.
You couldn't tell where one left off.
You wouldn't be losing a daughter.
You'd be gaining a patio.
We gotta work fast. There's
people bidding on that property.
The wrong kind.
A fellow named Epstein.
Abraham Epstein.
The cellist? How lucky you are.
All that glorious music next door!
And she's a darling.
I guess you don't understand
quite how it is here.
This section is restricted
only up to our property line.
We feel we have an obligation
to make sure...
Well, you know.
I'll tell you what. I'll buy it
and we'll divvy it up 50-50.
You won't have to worry about a thing.
My, my, my.
You've thought of everything,
haven't you?
Laid out Patrick's career.
Planned the wedding.
Even chosen my gift.
Well, I guess there's only
one thing left for me to do.
What's that?
When you get back from Prickly Pines,
I'll give an intimate family dinner.
Well, how about that?
Say, you're a good scout, Mamie.
By golly, you're top drawer!
Well, that's a very
interesting design...
...but are you sure you planned it
with that end up?
That is the beauty of it, madam.
It can be used upside down.
Just leave it outside, please.
I'm so sorry.
You must be Patrick Dennis.
Guilty. Are you guilty of all of this?
I'm not the decorator. I'm your
aunt's secretary, Pegeen Ryan.
- How do you do?
- Hello.
I'm sorry, I didn't know.
I was away all summer.
A lot of changes here.
Leave it to Auntie Mame.
- Where'd she get this stuff?
- It's the only set in the universe.
It's made by the famous
Danish designer, Yul Uhlu.
Yul Uhlu.
Say that to the right fella
and you'll get kissed.
Incidentally, congratulations.
I hear you're getting married.
A week from next Tuesday.
The old ball and chain.
I wish I had said that. Or,
"The first 100 years are the hardest."
Good one. How about,
"Marriage is a great institution"?
"Yeah, but who wants
to be in an institution?"
Well, that's enough of that.
Patrick. Patrick, my little love!
I'm glad to see you. Did you have
a good time at Upson Pines?
I had a wonderful time.
What is the idea of...?
- Not now. I have to go to Montebank.
- They adored you but...
I'm so relieved. I want everything
to be extra special tonight...
...and give the Upsons
as cozy a time as they gave me.
- Now, Pegeen, dear...
- I forgot the horror.
- Will someone help me with the ladder?
- Of course.
Fish food. Where's the fish food?
Oh, dear, dear, dear.
Don't nibble on the hors d'oeuvres.
You'll get fat.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Burnside.
I try to do exactly as you say.
Come and get it.
Come along, come along.
You're so wonderful.
Nobody else would've taken me in,
an outcast of society.
I'm grateful! You've given me a new
interest, now that I'm losing Patrick.
- I wish I had someone to look after.
- You will, dear, you will.
- Where do you want this set up?
- Right there will be fine.
- What's that supposed to be?
- You don't like it?
It might be a little avant-garde
for the Upsons.
Take it right down.
I want everything to be perfect.
- I think it's very unusual.
- Agnes! What is she doing here?
- Where else, in her condition?
- The Upsons will not understand.
- Perhaps they won't notice.
- Won't notice?
They're here. They're here.
- Help me get this down.
- Help her, darling.
- Leave it. Get the ladder out of here.
- Norah, lto, somebody answer the door!
- I'll get it.
- No, you don't!
- He's right. Go and stay in your room.
- But what will I do?
Sleep, knit, start making up names:
Rudolph, Abigail, Beulah, anything.
Welcome to the Burnside fireside.
How I have looked forward
to this evening! Come in.
- And Claude.
- Good to see you, Mamie!
- And little Glory.
- I'm so pleased to see you again.
Yes, dear.
My, my, my, my, my!
- Hi, everybody.
- Well, hello, son.
- Gloria.
- I made up a joke on the way up.
Listen to this:
Why is an elevator man's job
like my place in Connecticut?
- Give up?
- Almost.
I'll tell you. Because it has
its ups and down.
You get it? Upson Downs!
- Clever. Clever.
- Oh, well.
- Do sit down.
- Thank you.
Doris, you're not comfortable.
These are all marvelously adjustable.
This is the master control.
Each chair has its cord.
Now, let me see, Doris.
You are number four. Now, here we go.
So sorry, Claude, you are number four.
Doris, you must be number five.
Patrick, you're confusing me.
Doris, here you are. Five, going up.
There we go.
Isn't it wonderful?
So easy to sweep under.
Claude, here we go. Hang on
to your seat belts. Down we go.
My, what supple legs you have.
You must have studied yoga.
Here are the drinks.
So sorry, Doris dear.
Going down to the main floor.
Cigars, cigarettes, lingerie, hardware.
Well, now, Patrick.
And little Glory.
And here's Uncle Dwight.
- Claude.
- Dwight!
Well, how are you?
- Mr. Babcock.
- Mrs. Burnside.
We must have that game of golf soon.
My, my, my, my, my.
We'll have to take that up a bit.
Pegeen, better bring the ladder again.
- Won't you sit down, Mr. Babcock?
- Thank you.
They're almost ready.
The spcialit de la maison.
- I want you to meet Miss Pegeen Ryan.
- How do you do?
Take it up. It seems to be
getting in peoples' hair.
- Claude.
- Thank you.
And Doris.
Claude, I'm not going to tell you
one thing that's in these drinks...
...because all the ingredients
are secret.
Now, now, now, just hang on.
Well, what do you know?
The trick is to drink them up fast...
...before all the alcohol burns away.
Don't you worry about a thing, Claude.
I'm fully covered by fire insurance.
Well, now, Patrick. Here.
And little Glory.
My friend who may drop in later
calls it the Flaming Mame.
- Who? Who is coming?
- Just family, darling.
Don't be a scaredy-cat.
There's nothing to be frightened of.
There, now.
Are we all lit?
- Mr. Upson, can I fix you a daiquiri?
- No. Not for a minute.
Your Aunt Mamie made this for me,
and I'm gonna drink it.
It looks just fine.
This is spicy.
Try one of the striped ones, Mums.
- These are tasty.
- What are they, dear?
Just plain old pickled rattlesnake.
Pure protein. They're marinated
after they remove the fangs.
Mr. Babcock, you've gone out.
Don't bother, Mrs. Burnside.
Agnes, I told you to stay
in your room.
But it's a quarter past 8,
and you told me...
I told you to take your pills
a quarter past 8.
- My calcium pills are in the kitchen.
- Now, now, come, dear.
- Is that a member of the family?
- Darned if I know.
It's a member of somebody's family.
I would like you to meet my former
secretary. She's a little bit...
She's not quite herself
at the moment.
Now, we know all about these
women's things, don't we?
- What's your name, dear?
- Gooch.
You sit right over here
beside me, Mrs. Gooch.
And what does Mr. Gooch do?
Oh, my father passed on.
Oh, no. I mean your husband.
Now, now, Agnes. Upsy-daisy.
Calcium time, darling.
Pegeen, dear.
Auntie Mame is big-hearted
when anybody is in trouble.
I can see that.
- Vera and Lindsay.
- Mame, darling.
Like an opening night without critics.
I'd like you to meet
my dearest friend, Vera Charles.
And the well-known publisher,
Mr. Lindsay Woolsey.
I'm charmed to meet you,
all of you.
I've got to tell you,
I adored you in Mary of Scotland.
Did you, dear? That was Helen Hayes.
Vera, can I persuade you
to have a drink?
Yes, dear. Anything but rum.
I've just been
to the most awful party...
...where they served nothing
but daiquiris made with honey.
- Mame!
- Acacius, darling.
Oh, Lord!
Mr. and Mrs. Upson, Mr. Babcock...
...l'd like you to meet Acacius Page,
Patrick's first teacher in New York.
The man who had a great deal
to do with molding his character.
Haven't we met before?
I don't recognize the face.
Acacius, darling, your lotus juice.
- Auntie Mame.
- Yes, dear.
- I thought this was a family night.
- This is our family.
Pegeen, are you having trouble?
Help her, please.
Thank you.
- Thanks, Lochinvar.
- Courtesy of the house.
- I'm fine. You have enough problems.
- Don't I, though?
That's a pretty picture, I must say.
Yes, isn't it? Ladies and gentlemen,
I want to propose a toast.
To this lovely young couple... they start up
the ladder of life together.
Oh, no, Auntie Vera.
This isn't Gloria. That's Gloria.
- I brought you something.
- What is it?
- Be careful. The ink's wet.
- My book!
I'm in print. Just like Edna Ferber.
You did it. I never knew
you went on with it.
Patrick, you have vision.
Mame, he's just like you.
- My lifesaver, Patrick, and Lindsay.
- This has been a great day.
Patrick, why didn't you tell me
your aunt was literate?
- Am I mentioned in your book?
- Mentioned? You're exposed!
A toast to Live, Live, Live
by Mame Dennis Burnside.
Step right up now,
and get your red hot chapters!
I've been to so many
wonderful parties here, Mame.
Now I'll see how they all ended.
I forgot about that time we almost got
caught in a speakeasy. I was 10.
Here's all about the roller skates
and Uncle Beau.
And that Christmas we were so broke.
Patrick, my little Patrick.
You can practically write a whole book
about what happened to me.
I beg your pardon?
I said, you can write a whole book
about what happened to me.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
Bunny Bixler and I were in the
semifinals, the very semifinals...
...of the Ping-Pong tournament
at the club.
And this ghastly thing happened.
We were both playing way over
our heads and the score was 29-28.
We had this terrific volley...
...and I stepped back
to get this really terrific shot.
And I stepped on the Ping-Pong ball.
I just squashed it to bits.
And then Bunny and I ran to the closet
to get another ball.
And the closet was locked. Imagine?
We had to call the whole thing off.
Well, it was ghastly.
Well, it was just ghastly.
- Well, it was amusing.
- Yes, yes.
It's hilarious!
- What is?
- Your story.
I'm so proud. The whole
last chapter's all about me.
"Fighting the stigma...
...of the unwed mother."
Mr. Upson, you lucky devil.
Your future son-in-law is featured in
one of the raciest books of the year.
Patrick, I had no idea how many times
you unzipped me and put me to bed.
Now, just a minute!
There are young people here.
I only did it when Miss Charles
had passed out.
Thank you, lto.
- Don't tell me she can't come.
- Who can't come?
That woman with the snakes from Paris.
She was to entertain us.
Vera, loan me your glasses.
"Read a forthcoming publication
of our book.
I'm entitled to half of the royalties
for services as editor and co-author..."
"Will return in a few days
to claim fruits of collaboration.
My claim will be substantiated
by my wife, Agnes Gooch O'Bannion."
- Think, Agnes, think.
- Think?
Maybe that wasn't a movie we went to.
Maybe that wasn't Gary Cooper.
It was Brian.
And the girl was...!
- I'm a bride!
- Oh, darling, congratulations.
Isn't it wonderful, Patrick?
- I'm so happy for you!
- Honey, isn't this terrific?
This is revolting.
How can you tolerate people who...?
Who aren't absolutely top drawer?
These are my friends.
People who brought me up.
Riffraff! When we're married,
don't invite such people to our house.
- Who'll be coming? Bunny, Muriel Puce?
- What's wrong with Muriel Puce?
She has the IQ of a dead battery.
As for your other girlfriends...
...they're a lot of vain,
selfish, empty bigots.
Marvelous! You'll make
a fortune out of this book.
She will, but not for herself.
She gave her royalties
to the Epstein Home in Montebank.
- Epstein the cellist?
- What about Montebank?
Can't the Epsteins afford
their own home?
They're not going to live there.
They're building a home there
for refugee Jewish children.
- What's that?!
- Oh, no!
Pegeen, call Denmark quick
and get ahold of Yul Uhlu!
Are you all right, Doris?
You ready?
I've been ready for quite some time.
Come, Glory!
Claude! Claude! Don't be hasty.
For 9 years, Mame Dennis Burnside,
I have done everything in my power... protect this boy from
your idiotic, cockeyed nincompoopery!
Now you've ruined everything.
All my plans for Patrick...!
Your plans!
You're shouting orders for everyone.
Did it occur to you
this boy might be hungry...
...for something
you've never heard of?
When Patrick first walked
into my life...
...a frightened little boy...
...hanging on to Norah's hand... was love at first sight.
For 9 years I've tried
to open windows in his life.
You want to shut him up
in a safe deposit box.
I won't let you do that
to my little one.
Oh, no.
He's not little anymore.
And he's not mine.
But he's not yours, Mr. Babcock.
Patrick won't let you settle him down
in a restricted community...
...make him an Aryan from Darien...
...and marry him off to a girl
with braces on her brains.
Mame, did you deliberately
plan all this?
Don't be ridiculous. Patrick always
makes all his own decisions.
Rattlesnake, anyone?
Thank you...
...Lady Iris.
...Lord Dudley.
Punjab, India. June 28, 1946.
Mr. and Mrs. Patrick Dennis,
224 E. 50th Street, New York.
Dear Patrick and Pegeen:
Arriving from India, June 31.
Meet me Beekman Place apartment.
Must return India in two weeks...
... when Uncle Lindsay will have
finished his course in yoga.
- What were you doing in there?
- Just giving Michael his presents.
Look, Dad. Which is the front?
Oh, my little love, let me help you.
There, now.
Salaam for your mother
like Auntie Mame just taught you.
Very good, sahib.
- That's not a real sword, is it?
- It's a scimitar.
That's what I always say.
In Hindustani it means, "The
water oxen are waiting at the gate."
My water oxen's waiting at Idlewild,
Pan American flight 100 for Karachi.
Michael, if I could only
show you India.
The color, the splendor, the mystery.
- The elephants in the street...
- Now, Auntie Mame.
I know, I know.
I shouldn't mention the possibility
of Michael going to India with me.
Auntie Mame said she'd love
to have me. She said so in there.
- That's ridiculous. I won't hear of it.
- Dad?
It's out of the question.
You heard your mother.
You know what your trouble is?
You don't live, live, live!
Life is a banquet and most poor
suckers are starving to death.
One thing you must remember:
School begins the day after Labor Day.
He must be back by then.
Of course.
Labor Day. That's sometime
in November, isn't it?
The first week in September,
Auntie Mame.
Labor. The problem of labor
in India is gargantuan.
What's "gargantuan," Auntie Mame?
On the plane, I'll give you
a pad and pencil... write down all the words
you don't understand.
I've been out shopping all morning
for your traveling gear.
Let's go upstairs and try things on.
Oh, Michael, I'm going
to open doors for you.
Doors you never even dreamed existed.
I give up. She's the pied piper.
Oh, what times we're going to have!
What vistas we're going
to explore together.
We'll spend a day at
an ancient Hindu temple.
The head monk is Auntie Mame's friend.
Perhaps he'll let you ring the bells
that bring the monks to prayer.
There, on the highest tower on a
clear day, you can see the Taj Mahal.
Beyond that is a beautiful...