Austenland (2013) Movie Script

What separates the casual Jane
Austen fan from the aficionado?
Is it her admiration for the style
and manners of the Regency era?
The number of times
she has read Austen's novels?
Or her consuming love
for Mr. Darcy?
Nice cup.
And it begins like any other
Since she was very young
I'll see you for lunch.
Yeah, okay.
You try to catch her eye
But she doesn't want to see
Miss Bennet...
This is the best part.
She's singing
my boy loves me
My boy loves me I know
Hey, Jane.
Ex-boyfriend alert.
Hey, Horseface.
Jimmy, what are you doing here?
Well, I heard you
broke up with Greg.
So that means you're free
to go bowling tonight.
Jimmy! You know what?
If "no" was
unclear last time...
I don't wanna see you again.
I picked you on purpose, Jane Hayes.
Thirty plus, clock ticking.
I'm as good as it gets, baby.
A true aficionado
of Austen does so much more
than merely read her novels and
admire her world from afar.
Excuse me.
She finds her way here
to the world's only immersive
Austen experience.
Is that a Chihuahua?
It's a lamb. Shut up.
Just trying to hear it.
This looks really cheap.
I've toured the grounds
and it's not cheap.
This is high class.
This is big time.
Jane, are you really
gonna blow your entire
life savings on
an "Austen experience"?
Now, hold on just a second,
here at Sensuous Travel,
we are not just another
run-of-the-mill vacation place.
This is what we call
an "LC." A Life-Changer.
You get to play the heroine of
your very own Jane Austen story.
Would you like to
see some of the staff?
Now this is Barnaby.
He's a vegan.
He enjoys nightly
dips in the pond,
and he has a pony
named Sparkles Pancake.
That is horrendous.
I also heard that people in those
days didn't wear underwear.
That's a lie.
It's not a lie.
Look, every stay at Austenland
ends with a real live ball,
as in ballroom,
as in happily ever after.
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
Jane. So you go on some fancy vacation,
then what do you come home to?
Nothing except for
an empty bank account.
Why don't you save up
for a real life-changer?
Like what?
Well, like...
That's fine. Maybe come back
another time without your friend.
We'll get you squared away.
I think I can figure out some
kind of layaway program for you.
Thank you so much.
You guys take care. Thanks for being you.
Appreciate you.
Listen, this is my one chance to
really live in Austen's world. Okay?
I'm her biggest fan.
Come on.
No. No.
You used to be a fan.
You are an addict.
You don't have to go in there because
I'm packing. It's a mess in there.
You don't wanna go in there.
Oh, Janey.
It's gotten so much worse.
I love you.
It's a collector's item
and that's why I have it.
I have 10,000 a year.
I've changed my mind.
I totally support you
going to this place,
because I'm sure
that the fantasy
will not be as
fulfilling as you imagine.
I don't think you
know where I'm going.
We could make a wager on it.
If I win,
you de-Austen your room.
And if you really must go, I
made you a little farewell gift.
You did?
Which historical era
is this supposed to be from?
Hey, I spent three
days working on it.
Come here, let's hug it out.
Thank you.
When you get back, just clear
this crap out because it's weird.
It's a hobby.
It's really weird.
Ooh, baby, do you know
what that's worth?
Ooh, heaven is
a place on earth
They say in heaven
love comes first
We'll make heaven
a place on earth
Ooh, heaven is
a place on earth
When the night falls down
Do you need a hand?
Yay, an American.
I can't understand what the natives say.
I think this is where we're
supposed to wait, right?
You're going to
the Darcy place, too?
I memorized
the first three chapters
of Pride and Prejudice
when I was 13.
What's that?
Oh. Um...
So why are you
going to this place?
Because I'm gonna look great
in those wench gowns.
Ooh. Gosh, I hope they
give me a cape, too.
Were we not supposed
to come in costume?
Thank goodness
you're coming and not her.
I'm Jane, by the way.
Oh, goody.
Introductions. Look.
I'm Miss Elizabeth Charming.
It's a pretty name, isn't it?
I requested it.
Yes, it's very beautiful.
I can't wait to pick a name.
How about Miss Pepperpot?
Or Miss Wiggly Wiggins?
Those are nice.
I knew this place
would be magical.
They even got us
a car from the 1800s.
Oh, thank you so much.
I'm Miss Charming.
This way.
Bloody Americans!
Mind the gap.
Sorry. I was told I was
supposed to wear a costume.
So was I.
God save the Queen!
Hey, do you think this
is the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang car?
It's smaller than I expected.
Welcome to the Regency era.
This is just a stop before
we go to the big house.
I am Mrs. Wattlesbrook.
Miss Charming, I hope your
travel was endurable.
Oh, yes!
Jane Hayes.
And I've been thinking
about my pseudonym,
and I was thinking
Miss Joyful, maybe?
Oh, yes. You've already
been assigned a name.
Miss Erstwhile.
Miss Erstwhile?
Take their luggage in.
And get the carriage ready
to take us up to the manor.
Good luck.
Complete immersion
in the Regency era
is the only way to truly
appreciate Austen's England.
Wouldn't you say so,
Miss Charming?
Just to avoid any confusion,
I'd like you to know that we do
offer several distinct experiences.
You have paid for
the Basic Copper package,
while the other
ladies in the party
are part of
the Platinum Elite package.
Oh. Okay.
I'm sure you'll understand there will
be some exclusions to your trip.
I mean, I'm just so
excited to be here,
and I've dreamed
about this for so long.
All of my guests
will experience
romance with one of our actors.
But I must emphasize
there is to be no touching
other than the necessary social graces.
Not a chance.
I also expect
all my guests to maintain
appropriate manners
and conversation
and to eschew
all things modern.
Any flagrant
disobedience will result
in the early
termination of your stay.
You don't have
to worry about me.
I know Austen's
books intimately.
A big fire for
a hot summer's day.
We need to push up
the sisters. There we go.
That's as far as I can go.
It's looking good.
Has it been a day or a week
As my eyes begin to close
So we have this absolutely
delightful chiffon piece.
And I don't know
how you feel about lavender.
I call it lilac.
"Lilac. "
This I do think is very
magnificent and elegant.
Salmon. Absolutely.
These dreams under my pillow
Kinda washes you out.
Of these white nights
Look how skinny I look
with my hand behind my back.
Let's go meet the men.
I'm so sorry,
my dear, but I'm afraid
this carriage only
takes two passengers.
Hey, do you think we'll be
robbed by some highwaymen?
hurry up with those bags.
My God, look at those.
Hallelujah. Oh!
Do you think those
are their real faces?
And for you, Miss Charming, we have
our finest Platinum level room.
How old-fashioned.
Miss Erstwhile.
If you follow me.
Hey! It's bloody brilliant!
Where are you? We can't dilly-dally.
And you, of course, have one of
our loveliest Copper level rooms.
We meet for dinner at 8:00.
I expect you can find your
own way to the drawing room.
I wouldn't miss
it for the world.
With me? Yes.
Jane? Come here.
All the statues look at you!
Look. It's one of
those Mr. Darcy guys.
May I present Miss
Elizabeth Charming.
Heiress to the vast
Charming fortune.
Top of the evening to you.
And Miss Jane Erstwhile.
An orphan of no fortune,
who we've taken in
out of the goodness
of our hearts.
Colonel Andrews, the second
son of the Earl of Denton.
I have never before
beheld such beauty...
And class.
What a very pleasant
pleasure it is indeed.
And my dear nephew,
Henry Nobley.
There's one for each of us.
And, of course, our honored
guest, Lady Amelia Heartwright.
What the H?
I've been so lonely here without
other young women to entertain me.
All day, stuck with these men.
And that is my husband.
Do sit down.
I do hope it will not
rain on us tomorrow.
It would be so lovely to take
a turn around the gardens.
I sure would like you
to turn me upside
down in the garden.
Pardon me?
I think Miss Charming just
means she loves the outdoors.
Do you see something in my eye?
I'm afraid I can't
see in this low light.
Oh, Mr. Nobley.
You really are quite a bloke.
It would appear to be my duty
to gaze into your eyes.
I'm a military man,
I'd never shirk my duty.
Allow me, Miss Charming.
Yes. Yes, there is
something there. Fire.
I say, Miss Charming, you certainly
do live up to your name.
I do hope
you all enjoy the food.
Have you lost
your appetite, Mr. Nobley?
Something on your mind?
Absolutely nothing's
on my mind, thank you.
Prudence, a little bit more of the
peacock pat, when you're ready.
I can't believe
I'm really here.
Why don't you try out
some of that fancy talk?
Mr. Nobley, I hear there is
a ball on our last night.
Do you enjoy dancing?
Not particularly.
I am sure you have escorted many a
fine lady on to the dance floor.
I would say
that manners maketh man.
I look forward to having the
pleasure of standing opposite you.
But dancing is the true hallmark...
You do?
...of a gentilhomme d'honneur.
Pass the
sheep's eyeballs, will you?
Traditionally, dancing
is a match-making custom.
Oh, yes.
However, it fails
unless both partners
are equally fond of each other.
You could say the same
about any social intercourse.
Such as talking to someone
or having dinner with them.
Society demands that we engage in a social
intercourse in order to seem courteous.
Yet, in most cases, such
actions are ultimately vulgar.
I really adore conversating.
Do you really believe,
Mr. Nobley,
that you can know the worth
of a person at a glance?
Can you tell me that
within the first few moments
of meeting each
person in this room,
you didn't form firm opinions
of their character?
Well, it would be a shame if my first
impression of you proved correct.
Well, Miss Erstwhile, I for one
am so pleased you are here.
Another woman who understands,
as I do, the rocky road of love.
Mrs. Wattlesbrook told me
of your tragic story.
I try to learn a great
deal about my clients
so that I can better
prepare for their stay.
You have been unlucky
in love, shall we say?
We most definitely
should say.
At your age,
with no husband, no kinder...
I'm sorry.
The clock is ticking. Tick-took,
tick-took. Oh, bugger.
How unfortunate.
Excuse me.
Good duck.
Jane. Jane! Jane.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
You know, I know how it feels to
be treated badly by stupid men.
I really do.
Jane, come on.
Give me a hug.
Come on. At least it's not
gonna happen at this place.
Besides, you'll feel
totally different tomorrow.
Think about all the people in
the world that hang themselves.
And then the next day,
they feel different,
but there's nothing
they can do about it.
Don't hang yourself, Jane.
Anyway, if you need anything,
just call me. I'm right down the hall.
Well, actually,
I'm not right down the hall
because you're in the servants' wing.
You're in the creepy tower.
God, sometimes I think
about you here at night.
Must be really scary.
It's okay.
And, Jane,
the maid told me that...
FYI, she said don't
use the chamber pots.
Apparently the toilets
really do flush here,
and they don't know what to do
if it's just piled high.
Of course,
he made all his money
selling quicklime
on the continent.
You can never have enough whitewash,
as my grandfather used to say.
Then he contracted
dysentery and died.
Good morrow, sir.
'Tis I.
Shall we promenade?
Oh. Oh, I say.
Miss Erstwhile, do join us.
Yes, make haste.
I think I'll go
find some shade.
Really? How peculiar.
She's been too much in the sun.
Come, sir.
Your hunting excursion is commencing
on the upper
paddock at the stable
where you will be assigned
an appropriate mount.
I'm not spying on you.
I'm afraid you caught me
at an unladylike moment.
Mrs. Wattlesbrook will probably
rap my knuckles or something.
Tell me about it.
So you hail from
the former colonies?
I'm sorry, that's pretty bad. I'm not
really here to do the "ye olde" stuff.
I'm probably not supposed to be
talking to the servants anyway.
I thought I'd come here and be a total
pro at this, but I don't know...
Yeah. Maybe you need
a coach or something.
Yeah. I'm definitely not
supposed to talk to you.
And yet,
here you are.
That's... I have to...
Where are you?
Miss Erstwhile, there you are.
Yes, hello. I... I was
just saying to Nobley here
our divine Miss Erstwhile
seems to have escaped us.
And let us not see if
we cannot find her out...
I was hot so I stopped in here,
you know, and then I sat...
I say, Miss Erstwhile,
you are tongue-tied today.
What sordid secrets is your
mouth trying to hide from us?
No, no secrets. No.
Do tell me at once.
I simply must know.
Can't you see
that she's unwell?
No, I'm fine.
Thank you...
Unwell? Perhaps you have a
touch of the vapors? Or mange?
Either way,
bell jar on the tummy.
Sucks out all
the vicious vapors.
And leeches on the ankles...
Andrews, shut up.
Hi. Ladies and gents,
please take notice!
I've just got the schedule,
and look, it says we get
to go hunting on horseback.
Can you believe it?
Real horses and real guns!
Release the hounds!
A-hunting we will go.
The British are coming.
The British are coming!
Shall we go?
Shall we?
Hey, stable boy.
You're way too slow! Come on!
I've never shot
a hunting rifle before.
Now, the whole thing with the
gun, darling, is that you have to cock it.
Just hold the barrel. There.
And then gently
pull the trigger.
Have you ever
fired a loaded weapon before?
Actually, I think you might
be quite impressed by my...
Big cock.
... skills.
I will be.
Just a little closer there.
I think I get the basics.
Ready, ladies?
Face down range.
Load. And make ready.
And, pull!
Fly in my eye.
My... Miss Erstwhile. What a
talented little nut you are.
I guess I get the basics of it.
I didn't think we were really
supposed to kill them.
What are we supposed
to eat for dinner?
Anyone for pheasant? Me.
Of course, all these
horses are thoroughbreds.
They come from the local stud.
Well, I'm too busy, you see.
There's something
wrong with the horse.
Crap Copper package.
Little bit tight. Have
to give you a rub down tonight.
Excuse me?
The horse.
Right, sorry.
There we go.
Thank you.
I'll be back in
a crack with a new horse.
Somewhere there's
a book of me
Waiting for someone to read it
And I really believe it
Just wish that
I could see it
And I keep losing track
of where I'm meant to be
If you know it you would be there
'Cause I know
that you're a good man
But you like
to keep that secret
Oh. Hi.
Did that stable
boy abandon you?
No, he's coming right back.
Well, I wasn't raised to leave
a woman alone in the woods.
I'm really... I'm fine.
Well, there's...
All right, come on.
Get up.
Both of us on the one horse?
I don't know if that's gonna
really work for me...
Right, are you ready?
One, two, three.
No, no.
We're not gonna be able to outrun the
storm unless you straddle the horse.
Straddle... Not possible
in this rig. Sorry.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Get forward. Forward. That's it, more.
Forward? Okay. Well...
Take the reins.
Now, anyone who can shoot a gun
like that can ride a horse.
Come on.
Do you have me?
I've got you fine.
Thank you.
Come here.
I know,
but it's a little hard...
No, your leg, your leg. No.
Yeah, okay.
Thank you.
What the hell do you think you were
doing leaving her alone like that?
I'm sorry, I was coming.
No, I was fine,
actually, Mr. Nobley.
There you are, Mr. Nobley. I was about
to arouse a search party.
Miss Erstwhile. What ghastly
thing happened to you?
I think I'm just
gonna go powder my nose.
Everyone, please
assemble in the drawing room
for this evening's whist drive.
Partners will be assigned according
to ability and package status.
I do believe
I start this one, do I not?
I'm just
so happy. I...
See if you can beat that.
there's a card.
A proper lady does not doodle the
evening away, Miss Erstwhile.
You're looking well,
Mr. Nobley.
The rain refreshed
your spirits, did it?
I say, who needs
the outdoors when
you ladies are such
a breath of fresh air?
Colonel, you really
are a saucy monkey.
Miss Erstwhile, what's that
earthy smell about you?
Is it perfume?
I'm not wearing any perfume.
Must be your essence.
Colonel. Tremendous play.
I didn't see that one.
No, no one ever does.
It's my sneaky maneuver
I picked up in the Punjab.
Oh! Exotic!
My, Miss Charming, what
beauteous skin you possess.
Well, that's because late at
night when I'm all alone,
I put my face in the fire.
It's like a porcelain plate.
It's like being in a kiln.
Wake up and
suddenly you're in love
I didn't mean to bother you
if you're in the
middle of something or...
You are a little lost?
I was just walking around, and
then I heard music and so...
Quick. Get in before Wattlesbrook
confiscates this thing.
Let's hope you're not her spy.
Mrs. Wattlesbrook?
She made me sign half a dozen
proper behavior agreements...
Swear to keep any modern contraption
out of sight of the guests.
Including you, Miss Erstwhile.
I'm not a spy.
I swear.
And you don't have to call me
Miss Erstwhile. It's Jane.
I am so sorry
about this afternoon.
No, no. Don't be.
Don't even worry about it.
I would have
been absolutely fine
if it weren't for
Prince Valiant showing up.
The actors are
paid to be valiant.
They have some "Most Valiant
Player of the Month" award.
Still, it's nice to have
a little break from them.
Do you mind if I
turn back on your music?
No, of course not.
You're a real easy
listening kinda guy, huh?
Yeah. It relaxes me.
Yeah. The easier...
The easier, the better.
Here it comes.
I used to think that
love was just a fairy tale
You're a really great singer.
You've got really
great taste in gowns.
You make it
a little hard for me
to take myself
seriously in this getup.
Where are you in there?
There you are, yeah.
Do you slow dance?
Suddenly life has
new meaning to me
I don't remember Wattlesbrook
teaching us that move.
Yeah, neither will those
posh boys up at the house.
Ah. I almost forgot about it.
Do you have another girl
hidden around here somewhere?
What was that?
You don't wanna scare her.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Wow. You put
all the girls at ease?
Only the wild ones.
We almost missed it.
Is this horse about to
have a baby right here?
I've never seen
anything being born.
Go get me some straw.
Wait a second.
Are you gonna have to stick your hands
up in and flip it or something?
Jane, just go get her some straw.
Yeah, all right.
Breathe, you can do this.
Straw. Get it.
I found some!
Okay. Thanks, Jane.
My God, what's that?
I'm coming right now.
Get the straw, Jane!
Push! Push! Push!
That's it...
Oh, my... Sparkle.
I found it!
Jane, it's beautiful.
Got the straw.
Oh, my gosh!
It's the miracle of birth.
There you go.
Up you get, buddy.
Run free, little Sparkle.
Prince Valiant
couldn't do that.
That was amazing, though.
That was really amazing.
I should probably get going.
You got...
Might not want that.
Can I give you something first?
Wanted to do that for a while.
Good night, Jane Erstwhile.
Good night.
"She had had many a hint from Mr.
Knightley, and some from her own heart. "
I have one, too.
Mr. Darcy said to Jane,
"Jane, listen.
Listen right now.
"If you were to
sleep with me tonight,
"I would actually
speak to you the next day,
"unlike any man that you will
meet 100 years from now. "
Please shut your hole.
Men and women wouldn't even
touch before marriage,
let alone be alone in
the same room together.
I don't think he would ever say
something like that,
and he was a gentleman.
Why are we sewing again?
I guess this is how women must
have spent a lot of their time.
Well, if the men don't
come back from hunting soon,
I'm gonna ask for a refund.
What about you, Miss Erstwhile?
Are you enjoying yourself?
It is a shame we are
so awkwardly grouped.
Two gentlemen and three ladies,
leaving you always to
bring up the rear alone.
If you'll excuse me,
I think I'm gonna
go to the library
for a little while.
I'm reading.
You're not really allowed to read
down on the sluice gate. Okay?
You know, this is off-limits,
okay? This is...
This is really very
dangerous down here. Okay?
Anything could happen.
I mean,
I don't have to be reading.
I just...
Martin, come on.
I'll go crazy if I have to sit
up in that house all afternoon.
You love it up there.
All those guys
paid to adore you.
Come on, check out the butler.
He's got a 14-pack.
You're right,
I'm gonna go find him.
You win.
Looking from
the window above
It's like a story of life
Can you hear me?
Came back only yesterday
Who went further away
Want you near me
All I needed was
the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you
Sometimes when
I think of her name
When it's only a game
And I need you
Listen to the words
that you say
It's getting harder to stay
When I see you
Martin, the birds.
I'll see you later?
Yeah. I just gotta put away a few fake
birds. Maybe see you at the stables?
Awful as spread, is this one.
But really. Never before...
I'm gonna need a new
inkwell in my room.
Are you?
Yeah, it's empty.
And what are you going to pen
while you're there?
Maybe a little journal
of your time and experiences?
Maybe the Declaration of Independence.
Sumptuous beans.
My favorite.
How does one go about
eating a fish this big?
They're so delicious!
Baked, stewed.
Everyone. I have great news.
Captain George East has just
arrived from the West Indies.
Good morning, ladies.
You're beautiful.
I hear you were
just made captain.
Do tell us the story.
Yes, we like stories. Please do.
Can't wait.
I were raised on the sea. Ferrying
goods between the islands.
But when Napoleon struck, I joined
arms with me British brothers.
Bravi, bravi.
Within months
I were first mate,
and then came my
moment of destiny.
Imagine one lone
British frigate,
surrounded by four
French war crafts,
cap'n dead on the deck.
"Surrender," came the cry.
Anyone buying this?
"Never," said I.
Did you die?
Now I were tempted to surrender,
but I had to hearten me men.
"Death first. "
But surely there could be
no dishonor in surrender
with your captain dead
and your men so outnumbered?
When my seaman's heart
tell me what to do,
I do not fear to
follow through.
That rhymes. That rhymes.
But right now,
my seaman's heart
bid me do thusly.
You are a most
sensual creature.
Thank you.
I say.
Steady on, Captain.
This is absurd.
Watch out, Nobley.
No, don't get up
too quickly, George.
I believe the ladies are needed
in the drawing room
with Mrs. Wattlesbrook.
Lizzie darling.
I'll be along shortly.
I'm your humble servant,
My Lady.
please join me in the parlor
for my lecture series
on bonnets, bosoms and vices.
What do we have planned today?
What, you couldn't find anyone
else to flirt with today?
I saw you parading
around with those actors.
I thought you
weren't into that stuff.
Maybe I am.
Well, I've never
really been able to
respect the kind of
women that come here.
So I guess I was fooling myself
that you weren't one of them.
What, so are you
breaking up with me?
Breaking up?
I didn't realize
we were going steady.
No, sorry, I didn't mean it.
If I was sane when I shot
you, I would have aimed for your head.
Did you see that?
That was amazing, George.
I mean,
really beautiful acting.
I had to
drink human breast milk
supplements to get arms that big.
Must be what makes
your hair so shiny.
Can I use your power socket?
But you'll have to turn off the telly.
George, do you mind?
Well, I...
Well, we'll watch it later.
Welcome to the Pleasure Dome.
Thank you.
Hey, George.
Hey, Martin. You good?
Welcome back, eh.
How are the ladies
treating you this year?
Well, I can't complain.
I can't complain.
You really let yourself go.
What? Really? What?
Don't. Leave the boy alone.
How is life in the stables?
My horses are less
trouble than women.
What do you guys
think of that girl, Jane?
What's its name?
You know, Miss...
Yeah, I could
slap that between a bun.
Well, she's a bit peculiar.
She's hot.
She's all right.
No flower of her kindred
No rosebud is nigh
To reflect back her blushes
Give sigh for sigh
Lady Heartwright. Perfect.
I have no words to describe it.
I say.
I would die enraptured to hear
you play, Miss Erstwhile.
No, not tonight, not tonight.
Go on, go on.
Miss Erstwhile, I insist.
Allow me.
Thank you.
I only really know one song.
Play that one then.
Not surprising.
So I'll just play that.
It's getting hot in here
So take off all your clothes
I am getting so hot
I'm gonna take my clothes off
I never
I think I will retire early.
That was frigging awesome.
Where are you going?
Sorry. Sorry.
I didn't know
I became a ninja when
startled in a strange place.
My father, if he were alive,
would die of shame.
And here was I thinking
that any father would be
delighted to have
a ninja as a daughter.
Excuse me.
Miss Erstwhile.
I don't know if
you realize that
it's not proper in this
particular time, or any time,
for a lady to be
alone after dark...
Okay. Let alone cavorting
with the servants...
When doing so might lead to...
Did you just say "cavort"?
There's just something about
that guy I really don't...
Aren't you all righteous
concern, Mr. Nobley?
Thank goodness you've saved me from
sullying myself with the help.
Don't be so ridiculous.
good evening, Miss Erstwhile.
Good evening,
Mr. Wattlesbrook.
Still awake, are you?
Up to some mischief, I hope.
Just needed some fresh air.
If you'll excuse me.
No, no, stay a moment.
We might engage in
a private game of whist.
That's a four-person game.
We could be partners.
Little wink-wink, little
nudge-nudge, under the table.
I think I should go to bed now.
Precisely my point.
This is so not
Regency appropriate!
We can make it part of the game.
Do a little role play.
Get off of me.
Get off of me!
Miss Erstwhile?
Are you all right?
Whatever is the matter? I didn't
have time to locate my breeches.
Why, Mr. Wattlesbrook,
not again.
Little slag attacked me!
Well, obviously.
She is a ninja.
Come here.
I have to tell you,
the lads are not gonna
cover up for you anymore.
I promise you.
Just don't tell the missus!
Well, I won't
tell the missus, but...
I'll escort
you to your room.
I'm okay now.
Thank you. I just...
As long as there aren't any other
Mr. Wattlesbrooks lurking around.
I cannot give Andrews
a glowing reference,
though I do believe
you could take him down.
Miss Erstwhile, are you sure there's
nothing more I can do for you?
I'm fine.
I should just go to bed.
Good night.
Apparently I bought
the cheap package.
The cheap package?
You kidding me?
I don't even think
my character gets
the "happily ever
after" storyline.
I am going to kill
that travel agent.
I'm so mad I wasted
all my money.
Okay, enough is enough.
You just need to come home
and buy your Tercel back.
Molly, I'm kind of
a mess, aren't I?
That's an understatement.
I wanna get over
all of this stuff,
but if I leave now,
I'll always wonder "What if?"
So, what are you gonna do?
I'm going to take
charge of my story.
An Austen heroine gets engaged
by the end of the book,
so that is what
I'm going to do.
Why don't you go
for Captain East?
Look how hot he is.
And he's a soap star.
Captain East?
Okay. East it is.
But can you help me, please?
I mean, this is not gonna work.
I've prepared my entire life
for this very moment.
Someone's coming, hurry up.
Heartwright had
millions of them.
She's as dumb as a light post.
She'll never notice.
Oh, my God.
Look at this one.
I love stealing
things from her.
Watch my mouth.
Good. Good.
Bloody Americans.
Bloody Americans.
You got it.
You are the queen.
Her hair is Harlow gold
Her lips sweet surprise
Her hands are never cold
She's got Bette Davis eyes
She'll turn the music on you
You won't have
to think twice
She's pure as New York snow
She got Bette Davis eyes
And she'll tease you
She'll unease you
All the better
just to please you
She's precocious
And she knows just
What it takes
to make a pro blush
...the family
name's not Nobley at all,
and that's a French affectation.
In fact, it's Knobble.
Knobble, just Knobble.
You can tell by the way he uses his
chalk that he's a ladies' man.
He doesn't have time for
that kind of conversation.
Don't mind me.
It's unusual
sometimes, but he is rather shy.
Do you think he hears us?
He doesn't look over and yet
his expressions and mannerisms
are a bit too determined,
don't you think?
Right you are, Miss Erstwhile.
'Course I hear you.
Have to be deaf not to the way
you lot are prattling on.
I say, Nobley, you are being
awfully tedious today.
Good one.
You know, alone with the chaps,
he's really quite
a pleasant fellow.
No, baby.
My little kumquat.
You made yourself all wet.
Allow me.
Look at you, all moist.
Couldn't you just
use a handkerchief?
Perhaps I don't find the
conversation of women to be
I just can't imagine
why you're still single.
Don't see a ring
on your finger.
No, no, no, it's all right.
I asked for it.
I am single
because, apparently,
the only good
men are fictional.
And you think that there's
any good women out there?
No, no, no.
They profess
honesty and fidelity,
and while you're away
lecturing in Switzerland,
they run off to
Brazil with your mate!
Get on with
the game, you old windbag!
Someone departing?
That's my trunk.
I have discovered an unmentionable
amongst your things.
Now I believe I
made it perfectly clear
about the rules,
Miss Erstwhile.
We thank you for your stay,
but I regret that
your actions have
forced me to cut it short.
First, that horrid
little song and now this.
You're really
gonna kick me out?
I'm afraid it is
time for you to leave.
Go get 'em, Charming.
I'm so sorry, Jane.
If you would be so kind
as to step on to the cart.
Mrs. Wattlesbrook.
Please, wait.
This is all my fault.
The modern contraption is mine.
I did not realize I had
it until I first arrived.
And I was so distressed,
Miss Erstwhile kindly offered
to keep it for me
where I would not have to
look upon the eyesore...
Oh. Well,
I see.
So, apparently this appears
to be an accident,
and I think the best thing is we
should pretend like it never happened.
Lady Heartwright,
I do so hope that you will
continue to honor us
with your presence.
Yes. Of course.
Thank you.
I forbid you to leave,
ever, Miss Erstwhile.
We were just getting
to know each other.
Miss Erstwhile.
Yeah. Hi.
Thank you for back there
with Mrs. Wattlesbrook.
It was a pleasure to save you.
And, please,
you must call me Amelia.
Make haste.
Dear Jane, now that
we are bosom sisters,
I can at last
confide in someone.
Oh, Janey,
last year, at the ball,
George East and I
became engaged.
It is true.
But alas, he was a poor sailor,
and my father broke off the
engagement without my assent.
If I try to
explain this to him now,
George will think
I only want him back
because he has
become a wealthy captain.
What am I to do?
I sort of thought you were
into Nobley, or is that not...
No, no, no!
Dear Jane, I know
you will help me
find a way to be
alone with Captain East.
I don't really
know what I could do.
It pained me to be so dishonest
with Mrs. Wattlesbrook
back there.
But so long as you
are my dearest friend,
I'll keep your secret.
Or should I say secrets?
Farewell, bosom sister.
You know, I think being creative
is a waste of time and money.
Well, I love ribbons
and feathers and colors.
Another blue tit,
please, Miss Charming.
All right, but don't
copy everything I do.
I'll try.
We're not worthy,
Mrs. Wattlesbrook.
Their hearts will positively
burst from the rapture.
I have something of the
utmost urgency to report.
Who's game for
a bit of amusement?
Me! Me! I'm so bored.
Well, well, my cupcake,
Mrs. Wattlesbrook has only
gone and surpassed herself
and has completed
a brilliant theatrical.
You don't look like
you could read or write.
It's just a trifle.
Now, there are six parts.
Three sets of lovers.
And I thought, give us something
to pass the time until the ball,
we could rehearse
it and perform it
for our illustrious
and distinguished authoress.
Now are there any questions?
No what?
You can't make me do a play.
It's humiliating.
That's not a question. It's out
of the question, I'm afraid.
I've got a question.
Who gets to pick the lovers?
Well, I'm thinking
maybe ladies' choice.
You know, maybe alphabetically.
Goody, goody.
Eeny, meeny, miny... You!
Ma chrie.
And you, Miss Erstwhile?
Pick wisely, Jane.
I guess Mr. Nobley.
Sorry. Sorry.
That's okay.
Okay, since we have to spend so
much time rehearsing this thing,
let's just... Let's try
not to annoy each other.
You don't annoy me.
You make me nervous.
So, are you enjoying your stay?
We're making small talk now?
Well, the house is amazing, but
it's kind of like a corset.
I like the way it looks,
but it's just...
Hard to relax in it.
Yes, exactly.
But there is so
much to love here.
I mean, the civility.
The manners.
The grandeur, you know.
The men.
The women.
The paintings.
They're really...
Yes, you are an artist.
No, no, no.
The thing is, those aren't real.
They're just stupid sketches.
Who's that?
I'm sorry.
They're not all like that.
No, no. It's a...
It's a fair likeness.
No apologies needed.
It is curious, however,
that there are more
of me than anyone else.
I guess I've been trying to
figure you out without much luck.
Surely you've come
to some conclusions.
You're the resident
Mr. Darcy.
Come on,
you're every girl's fantasy.
So I'm your fantasy?
You play your
character very well.
Shall we rehearse, then?
Are they acting?
I don't know what's real
or what's not anymore.
I mean, what if
she actually is...
In love with him?
Well, don't you think it's possible
to confuse truth with fantasy?
I mean, what's gonna happen
when the theatrical is over?
Well, it's a dangerous
kind of game to play.
Don't you think, in their case
anyway, those feelings that,
you know, that they
can run deeper and...
Oh, my.
If you'd have asked me a
week ago, I'd have said no.
Miss Erstwhile.
You're shivering.
Thank you.
Ladies, remember
to wear your corsets nice and tight.
Jane, hey.
Where are the other guests?
In their private whist lesson.
It's part of
the Platinum package.
I can't say that
I miss that perk.
Stage curtain.
Right. Right.
I'll let you get to it, then.
I'm sorry.
lam Aphrodite, the goddess.
Often fickle in my large arse.
I see some mortals there.
Yes, two in love,
yet in despair.
Prithee, fair maid.
Have thou seen my lost lamb?
Nay. Perhaps you
should listen for its bleat.
Bleat. Bleat.
Go not to Athens, I pray thee,
or my heart will truly break.
In faith and troth, I
have no time to love...
Can't hear you.
No, no, no, louder.
Speak up!
In faith and troth, I have
no time to love a lady.
War is my mistress.
I write poems of love.
I write poems of love
that no fair maid hears.
And I am shedding tears
that fall to the ground
but do not maketh
a sound like the land...
You're rubbish. Get off
the stage, you wanker.
I shall make
everything all righty
because I am
the beautiful Aphrodite.
Can I pray thee, stranger,
make me thy wife.
I seek no marriage
but the cleavage...
Cleaving of my sword
on mine enemy's flesh.
Then I shall die this day.
Thou cur.
You break this lady's heart,
I will break your head.
Get an ice pack.
Get on with it.
What a...
I've fallen upon my sword.
Is that blood upon your breast?
Alas, lam for the grave.
Then let me hold you
as long as your breath lasts.
It's as if I have never known
you before this moment.
And nought else matters
in this world but you
and how my heart beats for you.
I love you.
You need to die, Nobley.
Sorry. Sorry.
No, we are all dead.
And they all died forever.
All dead forever.
Shut up, Fartwright.
Bravo. Bravo!
Mrs. Wattlesbrook,
you're a genius.
Such talent.
Lady Heartwright, you make
such a beautiful corpse.
You know,
I was aiming for your cans,
but they're such
a small target.
I'll never see again.
It's okay, my baby.
Let's get out of here.
Come on.
You great,
big beautiful door
Come on.
This way.
Why are we running?
Because man and
woman should never
be alone unless
they are in motion.
And what do the rules of
etiquette say about being alone
in your bedroom?
I should probably let you go before
one of us gets into trouble.
I really had so
much fun tonight.
So did I.
Miss Erstwhile?
Yes, Mr. Nobley?
Tomorrow evening...
Can I reserve the first
two dances with you?
Yes, Mr. Nobley.
Miss Erstwhile, will you
let me back in a moment?
When I look at you, I feel
certain of something.
Guess what?
I'm wearing my favorite pair of
satin pink pantaloons just in case.
Oh, my God.
Look at that.
We're gonna be the prettiest
girls at the ball.
Have fun tonight, Amelia.
You look so beautiful.
But like a beautiful pirate.
It's infected.
I'm so sorry.
Maybe we should go.
Ship's ahoy.
It's okay, you look fine.
It looks terrible.
That does not look good.
I was hoping to dance
with a goddess tonight.
Smother me in butter
and drop me in a saucepan.
There she is.
My Venus de Milo.
Colonel Andrews.
Miss Charming.
I can't wait to
see your bedroom.
Wow, you look...
You look amazing.
Thank you.
You look very nice, too.
Where are all
these people from?
She's got everyone here, it's the
gardener, the maids, the servants.
That guy over there,
that's the taxidermist.
He's particularly creepy.
How is the baby horse?
He's good.
He's talking and all that.
Yeah. He was asking about you.
Yeah. He said,
"Where's Straw Girl?"
I made an impression, I'm sure.
Jane, I'm really into you.
And if you wanna get
out of here, I mean...
Miss Erstwhile?
Shall we?
Shall we?
You're stunning.
You all right?
I'm fine. And you?
Are you having fun?
I'm taking an inordinate amount
of pleasure from this evening.
You're so light on your
feet, you look like a nutcracker.
But none of it from the ball.
I think you just
complimented me.
Jane, I need to
tell you something.
I'm not meant to say
or do these things,
my aunt would kill me, but...
You are my sun and my moon.
My earth and my stars.
Marry me.
Marry you? Oh, my God,
of course I will.
Oh, God, I love you.
I love you.
You make me the happiest
man alive, dear Amelia,
if you'd be my wife.
Oh, George.
Remember our first night?
Something about bad first
impressions comes to mind.
I know your opinion
of me was horrible.
I was horrible.
I was nervous.
I felt out of place
and I certainly
didn't intend on
falling in love, but...
I have.
I can't imagine leaving
this place without you.
tell me if I have any hope.
I didn't realize...
This is how I'd
feel at this part.
Feel what?
You were right, this is a
dangerous kind of game.
I don't wanna play anymore.
What do you want?
I want something real.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Do you still
wanna get out of here?
Good night, Your Majesty.
I didn't think I was touching
you inappropriately.
Well, you did.
And if we're to be together,
you must never ever do
anything like that ever again,
if we're to be together.
Even Prudence is getting some.
Are you ready?
So Wattlesbrook got Nobley
to propose to me tonight.
Yeah. Classic.
Is that when you
walked out? Just...
Man, what a tart.
I have to admit his character
was pretty dreamy.
I wouldn't marry him.
Mainly because
he's got bad knees.
Bad knees?
Did he mention his knees?
I'm an even bigger nerd
than I thought, though.
I mean, there were
actual moments
when I really did
believe it was real.
Don't feel bad. I mean, Wattlesbrook
hires the best actors around.
Some of her clients, you know,
aren't half bad either.
I'm so glad you're
outside of the fantasy.
Makes it easier to
walk away from it all.
You know my
flight leaves tomorrow,
but I could see if
I could change it.
Stay a few extra
days in London.
That's an offer I...
I'm not gonna refuse.
I fancy seeing you in...
I don't know,
some trousers or...
Do you wear anything
less 1800s, ever?
Do you?
Yeah, I do the short shorts.
Please bring
soiled petticoats and undergarments...
Are you off?
I'm off.
I'm packing up.
Hey, you know,
I wanted to say just...
Thanks for everything.
And I made this for you.
All the sewing we did.
That's beautiful.
I think she's way prettier
than me, don't you think?
That's really
great needlepoint.
So what are you gonna do now?
I thought I would stay on
and check out all
the new recruits.
You know, make sure that
all of them know that
Colonel Andrews is taken.
And then I thought I would
ask Miss Wattlesbrook
if I can buy the place.
You should.
I know. I think I should.
Lizzie, you know, I think...
I think that Colonel Andrews...
I think he...
That he might be...
Perfect for you.
Jane, thank you.
I was so afraid you were gonna
say you thought he was gay.
God, that was
the best time so far.
Except for the eye gouging.
You're not British?
Yeah, I know, right?
Well, that's what two years of
private drama tutoring will get you.
You ended up
with Nobley, right?
He was such a bore,
but, you know...
He did a good job
of being into you.
He asked me to pretend
your cell phone was mine.
It's so sad when
the trip is over, but,
frankly, lam dying
for a massage.
My husband's old.
Very old.
And I trust you
discovered rewarding
romance with one
of the gentlemen?
Actually, there was someone,
but not Mr. Nobley,
as you may have intended.
My dear, Henry was
never meant for you.
No, his job was to take care
of Lady Heartwright
until George East
finished his little show.
No, Martin was scripted for you
right from the very beginning.
No, but he's...
Martin's a servant.
Well, you've seen my servants.
I had to take him out just for a
little while because things were
steaming up.
But I had every confidence
that he could woo you back.
And your timing
was very fortunate.
Most of the ladies just
get a litter of kittens.
The foal is the showstopper.
The foal?
I trust you would like
to be on your way, Jane?
More than ever.
Are you upset?
No, not at all.
And please don't take it
personally when I shut you down.
Shut me down?
I wasn't the first guest
Mr. Wattlesbrook assaulted, was I?
I should be able to find
other complaints in no time.
Bright eyes
Every now and then
I fall apart
Wow, Nobley, eh?
Tied your cravat just a wee
bit too tight, didn't you?
To be honest, I can't believe
you didn't get Jane.
I mean, she was...
She was anyone's.
Mad dog over there.
Colonel Andrews speaking.
Yes, no. I'll tell
him right away. Yes.
Yes. Yes, you have a good day.
Of course. Bye-bye.
Martin, that was the old girl
back at the house.
Appears you're
still on the clock.
You're to go to the airport and
smooth some ruffled feathers pronto.
No rest for the gorgeous.
Hi. No luggage. No.
This is
a passenger announcement.
Can Jane Erstwhile please
report to the information desk?
That's Jane Erstwhile
to the information desk.
Hi, I think they...
Jane. Hey.
I'm really sorry
you didn't know, okay?
I'd still like to spend
the night together. Yeah?
You are an actor!
Hey. Hey, but...
But you're desperately
in love with me anyway?
And these sudden passionate feelings
that sent you running after me
have nothing to do with
Mrs. Wattlesbrook's fear
that I'm gonna report
her delinquent husband?
Of course not. Okay?
I know it all seems shady,
but romances
have bloomed on stonier ground.
Did Wattlesbrook write that line?
Because we know you didn't.
Okay, she wrote the line. Okay?
But I'm the one
standing here saying it.
Jolly good, the prefect's
here to save the day.
You can't believe
anything he's said.
I've only just realized now that
Martin was assigned to you.
I know. I... Yeah.
She knows, so...
So, what are you doing here?
It's just that
I don't think you understand
that I'm not
what you think I am.
I have fallen for you.
My aunt was an actor, sure.
She's an odd woman, I know,
but she was desperate.
What I'm saying is
that your first week
at the manor was
my first week, too.
I'm not an actor.
Don't listen to him, Janey.
Don't call me Janey!
You were paid to kiss me.
As far as you are concerned,
lam Miss Erstwhile.
I mean, it's so embarrassing.
What, do you keep
a supply of pregnant horses
just laying
around or something?
You're not a vet!
I did a biology
class at school.
Come on, you were acting, too.
Look, before you go
and make your report,
you should know, gorgeous,
that what we had was real.
No, you didn't. What we
had was real. Didn't we?
Surely you felt it seeping through
all these costumes and pretense?
He's still acting.
It's all part of his act.
See the costume?
He's an actor.
You're just jealous,
aren't you?
Because my aunt
would rather bring in
a complete novice
than move some
Kiwi actor up to the big house.
You're not British either?
It's part of the Commonwealth.
Couldn't you get
a job on The Hobbit?
That's it, Shakespeare.
You guys.
Just... Don't actually,
actually strangle him.
Okay. All right, all right.
Take that, England.
Careful of my shirt!
That's my foot!
Okay, okay.
No, no, no. I'm...
Stop! No.
No! It is over.
I am done with all of this!
That felt good. I should have
done that a long time ago.
Excuse me.
Did you hear that, England?
I am officially over it!
Southwest Airlines
flight SA435 now boarding at Gate 20.
That's my cue to exit.
it has been a pleasure.
Thank you for
that and I'm sorry.
Look, Jane, Jane, Jane, wait, wait.
Hey, I never lied to you.
It doesn't even matter
that you weren't real.
You were perfect. Thank you.
Somewhere there's a light
That meets a shoreless tide
But I guess I'm resigned
To never seeing mine
I never lied
All these teenage dreams
Put them all aside
They hurt like kryptonite
And you lost a piece of me
You're back?
Hello to you, too.
I'm coming over.
All right,
I'll see you in a minute.
That was quick. Come on in.
Do you want some tea?
Love a cup, thank you.
What are you doing here?
You left this.
You could've mailed it.
I could have.
You're right.
What was I thinking?
Wait a minute. Hey.
You know, I'm not
gonna report your aunt.
So it was a little overkill
to send you all the way here.
She didn't send me.
Mr. Nobley, or whoever
you actually are.
My name is Henry.
It's Henry Nobley.
I'm a history professor.
That's really nice.
I used to think my aunt's
profession was somewhat grotesque,
but the truth is that I enjoyed
stepping into history.
The idea of
a simpler world where
love is straightforward
and lasting.
I believe we have
that in common.
But all of this is
secondary to the fact
that I am completely
mad about you.
All right.
Well you
may have been mad
about Miss Erstwhile, but...
You don't even know me. I...
You are Miss Erstwhile.
I saw you in the theatrical.
You were horrifying.
Wait a minute. You were
horrifying. I was...
I wasn't great.
My point exactly.
Neither one of us are
capable of pretending.
Nobley, I just
don't think this is a...
The night of the ball, you said
you wanted something real.
I'd like to
believe that I am real.
Is it possible that
someone like me
can make you happy?
Will you let me try?
No. See,
people don't do this.
I mean, this is my fantasy.
This isn't...
Have you stopped
to consider that
you might have
this all backward?
You are my fantasy.
Welcome to Austenland.
Hello, everybody.
Enjoy yourselves.
Oh, my goodness. Hello.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
If you lived in
a world of love
Would you forget
who you were?
Before you get taken in
by a sight of hand
You've got to watch
your step In Austenland
Move, move, move!
Movey, move!
Honey, honey.
No touchy, no touchy.
Get off it.
I love you,
Captain! Georgie!
"I know I feel that way too"
That's a very sexy bonnet.
Knob off.
...and we lost the whole thing because...
Just leave me alone!
This is truly my fantasy.
You can bend your soul
bend your back, your heart
So if you're gonna play
then you better play hard
Austenland won't you come
Where the sun shines
on your face?
Austenland take your
dancing partner by the waist
Oh, with your heart
in your hand
Now you try and catch her
gaze and say "Who, me?"
"I know
I feel that way too"
Come on, a little bit
of hot, hot
And a little bit of hot, hot
Just a little bit of
Just a little bit of
Just a little bit of
I was like, good gracious,
ass is bodacious
trying to show faces
I'm waiting for the right
time to shoot my steez you know
Waiting for the right
time to flash them ki's,
I'm leaving,
please believing
Me and the rest
of my heathens
Check it, got it locked at
the top of the Four Seasons
Penthouse, roof top,
birds I'm feeding
No deceiving,
nothing up my sleeve and
No teasing I need you to
Get up up on the dance floor
Give that man
what he asking for
'Cause I feel
like busting loose
And I feel like touching you
And can't nobody
stop the juice
So baby tell me
what's the use?
I said
It's getting hot in here
So hot
So take off all your clothes
I am getting so hot
I wanna take my clothes off
It's getting hot in here
So hot
So take off all your clothes
I am getting so hot
I wanna take my clothes off
I like it when you
Ah, ah
Girl, baby make it
Ah, ah