Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002) Movie Script

"Somewhere in Utah"
Yeah baby!
Hi, I'm Dixie. Dixie Normous.
I my just be a small town FBI agent,
slash single mother.
But Im still tough, and sexy.
Well, Miss Normous...
Shall we shag now? Or shag later?
Oh Austin, behave.
Hey Powers!
You better watch your freaking self. Because this
is one doctor who does make house calls.
Right, Mini-Me?
Hey, assholes!
I'm right over here, I'm Mini-Me.
Come and get me!
And cut!
- That's a cut everybody.
So Austin, what do you think
of the opening credits?
Well, I can't believe sir Steven Spielberg the
groovyiest filmmaker in the history of cinema
Is making a movie about my life.
Very shaggadelic baby, yeah!
Having said that,
I do have some thoughts
Really? My friend here thinks
it's fine the way it is.
No offence sir Stevie, but you
got to have Mojo baby, yeah!
Hit it!
Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr Quincy Jones.
This is where the movie
gets its Mojo baby.
Alright, everybody. Music video, take 2.
It's Britney Spears!
Oops, I did it again, baby.
"Dr. Evil's Hollywood Lair"
Welcome back Herr Doctor.
How was space?
Space was cool, wasn't it Mini-Me?
Doctor Evil, while you were in space, I created
a way for us to make huge sums of legitimate money
And still maintain the ethics in the business
practices of an evil organization.
I have turned us into a talent agency.
The Hollywood talent agency. Really?
By charging A-list clients 9% rather
than the traditional 10%
We've been able to sign such stars as
George Clooney, Julia Roberts and Leo DiCaprio.
And the best part of the whole scheme
is, we all get our own assistants.
Hi, I'm number 3.
Wow! I'm really excited to be
part of the team here at HTA.
Very impressive, number 2.
But I finally have the perfect plan.
In the 70's, there lived a Dutch metallurgical
heathenish by the name of Uhand Van Der Smutt.
He loved gold so much he even lost his genetalian
in an unfortunate smelting accident.
Hence the name, Goldmember
He invented a cold fusion power unit,
for a "Tractor beam"
"Tractor Beam"
Powerful enough to pull a meteor to earth.
The meteor was called "Midas 22".
It's made of solid gold.
Is he sleeping?
That's ok. I guess Mini-Me won't
get any chocolate!
You want down Mini-Me? Use your
words like a big boy clone.
He's okay!
Here's the Chocolate. It's from Brugge.
That's in Belgium, that's where daddy's from.
Check out Mini-Me.
He's gone mental on the count of the chocolate.
It's like freakin catnip for clothes.
Your chair, Dr. Evil.
Thank you.
Thanks. Skedaddle
You know when you have kids, I think your going
to find that all kids are different aye?
For example, Mini-Me loves
chocolate. Scotty don't!
What? I love chocolate fine.
Scotty don't!
Oh yeah, that's very familiar, hang on
let me do what I do, would you stop?
Honestly, isn't this? How about you don't
ladies and gentlemen, Scotty don't.
Dr. Evil, perhaps it's time that you finished
unveiling your plan? Thank you, number 2.
Ladies and gentlemen. My plan is, Scotty don't.
Oh come on, you're such a lame ass!
You know this is causing me serious
psychological harm. -I don't know who am I.
Fine you know what? I would love some chocolate.
Here you go. Thank you.
Come on!
You okay, Mini-Me?
Did I pull too hard? I don't want to
hurt you. Dr. Evil. Ya?
Was does Goldmembers plan have to do with us?
Our early attempts at a tractor beam
Went through several preparations.
Preparations A-T were a complete failure.
But now ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a
working tractor beam which we shall call "Preparation H"
What? Why don't you just call it operation
ass-cream you ass.
I'm sorry did you want some ice-cream?
Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass-cream.
Perhaps later.
Doctor Evil, I love your plan.
Yeah Herr Doctor, it's a really good plan.
Yes frau, on the whole I think
"Preparation H" feels good.
What is it now? No, nothing. You know what? I agree
"Preparation H" does feel good. On the whole.
Well Im glad were speaking
the same language.
Ladies and gentlemen, using my time machine I shall
travel back to 1975, pick up Goldmember
And bring him back to the future.
And the best part of this plan is
No one can stop me.
Not even Austin Powers.
Not so fast. You're surrounded
Dr. Evil. -Shit!
Doctor Evil, the world court sentences you
to 400 years. Do you have anything to say?
No, but I think Mini Me does.
Looks like 2 eggs and a hanky.
The criminal genius known as Dr Evil and his clone
were sentenced today at the world organization.
For his efforts, Austin Powers, son of
Englands most famous spy Nigel Powers.
Will be knighted by the queen
at Buckingham Palace.
Arise, sir Austin Powers. Thank you, your majesty.
Your father must be very proud of you. Oh yeah.
Come on dad, stand up and take a bow.
"Austin's Pad"
I am a sexy beast.
Its Austin Powers, you're so funny.
Also very sexy. Can I have an autograph?
Of course, your name is? Fook Mi.
Oh behave baby, now your name is? Fook Mi.
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Fook Mi, like this.
Oh I see. Your NAME is Fook Mi.
You want a drink?
Yes of course, but I have a private bar in
the back that you are more than welcome to use
Here you go. Fook Mi, that was fast. Fook Yu.
You're going the right way for a smack bottom
And I don't care who knows it.
Austin, this is my twin sister,
Her name Fook Yu. Fook Yu, Fook Mi. See
Were going to see the twins.
I also think Austin Powers is very sexy.
We think you're very groovy baby.
Do we make you sleepy? Well you make me
many things but sleepy is not one of them.
We give you top secret massage.
Yes top secret massage, baby.
Sorry about that, I swear to god,
that never happens.
Hold on a tick. "Things to do before I die"
"Have threesome with Japanese twins".
Okay, now where were we babies?
Austin, I'm sorry to interrupt.
Twins Basil, twins.
Austin, it's your father. What? He's been kidnapped.
So that's why he wasn't at the knighting ceremony
No actually. He was kidnapped
after you were knighted.
He was last seen on his yacht. Oh, yes, the
"HMS Shag at Sea". Exactly, just take a look.
Gentlemen fall in. Austin, these men were
assigned to guard your father.
Okay chaps chins up, trousers down.
I think we might have found a clue.
Go Blimey. All your privates have had their
privates painted gold. How bizarre.
Imagine gilded tally wakers, golden
wedding tackle, 14 carat trouser snakes.
That's enough. Okay. Basil there's only one
person in the world who truly
Understands the psychology
of a mad man. Dr Evil.
"Maximum Security Facility Geneva".
I've been expecting you, Mr Powers. My father
is missing. Yes, I've heard. How ironic.
You finally caught me, yet now you need me
more then ever. But then again
You've always needed me
haven't you Mr Powers?
Remember when I told you, we are not so
different you and I?
We are not so different, you and I.
See, I did say that.
Very clever. Now who has my father?
Someone has some daddy issues. Nothing
could be my father from the truth.
You said my father. No, I dadn't,
didn't, did not.
For me this is a dad issue.
Dead... Daddy didn't love me.
It seems like the knighting ceremony wasn't
the only time your daddy let you down.
Remember that day at the academy?
Think! It was graduation.
"British Intelligence Academy 1958"
Have you ever heard of knocking, man?
-Right. We were just getting started.
Don't forget Mr Powers later
you have a brief oral exam.
Well I hope it's mostly oral and not to
brief, baby. You know brief and oral exam...
It looks like Master Evil is the top contender
for this years international man of mystery.
He's number 1 in the class.
Whoop dido Basil.
Hey, everybody I'm number 1.
Hello, I'm number 2.
Nice to meet you number 2.
But now I'm going to be named
international man of mystery
Who throws a cup cake? Honestly?
And now it's time to award our greatest honour
this years international man of mystery is.
Austin Powers
-Well done Austin
It's always been my dream to win this
award just like my dad.
I'm glad he could be here,
stand up dad, take a bow.
I had the best brains in the class
and I didn't get diddly squat.
Tell me Austin Powers, what did you find on
those sailors? A golden surprise? Perhaps?
All the sailors had their meat and
two wedge painted gold.
Yes, it's the distinctive calling
card of a criminal mastermind.
Named, Goldmember. How can I
find this Goldmember?
Cuid pro quoe Mr Powers. Yes, squid pro ruoe.
I'll give you Goldmember, you give me a
Transfer to a regular prison,
so that I can be with my beloved Mini-Me.
Ok I'll get you a transfer to a regular
prison, now where's goldmember?
Not where Mr Powers, but when. 1975 Studio 69
disco, New York city. Corner 69 and 8th
You go now Mr Powers. Fly, fly.
I'll get it.
"M.O.D. Time Travel Hangar - 2002"
Instead of hiding your father in some remote
location. Goldmembers hiding him in 1975.
So our engineers have crafted this vehicle,
to time travel to the seventies.
Smashing Basil, a pimp mobile.
-Yes I knew it would tickle your fancy.
What can I say? Here we go, 1975.
Good luck, Austin.
"New York City 1975, Studio 69"
Good evening everybody.
And welcome to studio 69.
Here he is ladies and
gentlemen, Goldmember.
Hey everybody, I'm from
Holland isn't that weird?
Well if it isn't Austin Powers.
I'm sorry?
You got a lot of nerve dragging your jive
white ass in here.
I don't believe we've met. It's me Foxy,
Foxxy Cleopatra. Long time no see. Stop.
We can't be seen talking to each other,
you dig? I'm using this cat as a distraction.
I get it yes, very clever.
First things first.
up Foxy Cleopatra. Where have you been?
Listen Foxy, I just want you to know
I never intended to hurt you baby.
Well all I know is, momma only got
a taste of honey. But she wanted the whole behalf.
Oh behaive!
You always knew how to make me smile.
Well, you know it's a gift really.
What am I doing?
Foxy, what are you doing in
Goldmember's club?
I'm under cover. About a year ago my
partner at the bureau was killed.
And that jive ass cold turkey
Goldmember is the prime suspect.
Your father is in the back room,
under heavy guard. Thanks Foxy.
Austin, good luck.
Hello son. Just over powering my guards.
I'm here to rescue you. Come quickly
I got a better idea. Why don't you rescue me
in about 7 or 8 minutes.
Knock it off.
I don't want to see my dad on the job.
Come on let's go.
I'm sorry.
What's wrong with your neck?
I took a Viagra, got stuck in my trout
I've got a stiff neck for hours, I thank you!
Listen dad, if you are gonna talk about naughty
things in front of these American girls.
Then at least speak English, English.
Alright, my son.
I was about to make love
to this pretty girl
Is this true?
If you were aroused,
why didn't you pleasure yourself?
What alone?
Remember Christmas dinner
with the Scottish girl.
The insane one?
She was the wife of the dancer
who lived upstairs.
A lawyer who became a
policeman in a truck...
????????????...Tea kettle!
Shat on a turtle!
We had some good times.
Welcome to 1975, Austin Powers, and fadjer.
Excuse me while I change,
the hola boogie has made me sweaty.
You see Mr Powers.
I love gold. The look of it, the taste of it,
the smell of it, the texture
I love gold so much, that I even lost my
genitalian in an unfortunate smelting accident.
Hence the name, Goldmember.
We're both swingers you see. You have a tight body.
I see that from your tight pants. You're tight like a tiger.
Would you like a smoke and a pancake?
A what?
A smoke and a pancake. Flapjack and a
cigarette? Cigar and a waffle?
Pipe and a crpe? Bong and a blintz?
Then there is no pleasing you.
That's not right.
Hello, what have we here?
That's a keeper, put it in the skin
box please, with the others. I'm pealing.
That's just disgusting.
Quickly, quickly thank you. Save me
from my self.
You're insane Goldmember!
And "That's the way aha aha I like it",
"KC and the sunshine band".
Alright Goldmember, don't
play the laughing boy.
There are only 2 things I can't stand in this
world, people who are intolerant of other
Peoples cultures, and the Dutch.
What? Take the fadjer away! Dutch hater. And now
it is time to say goodbye. Dr. Evils orders.
Which for you is bad news, Bears, "Walter Matthau".
Shazam! Up yours, jive turkey!
Yes the gun, very good. 2002.
Theyre taking my father to the time machine.
Say what machine? Come on now.
This way, sugar.
That was close Foxy, I owe you one. Austin,
I found this in Goldmember's office.
It's a micro film, maybe a clue.
I wanna go to the future with you. We can
catch goldmember together. I owe it to my partner.
I should warn you Foxy, 2002 is very different.
Well, the future better get ready for me. Because
I'm Foxy Cleopatra, and I'm a whole lot of woman.
"Georgia State Prison"
"All visitations are limited to 5 minutes".
"No spitting in the visitors room".
Herr Doctor, I have some news. It's your son.
He wants to take over the family business.
Scotty Does?
He's gotten so evil he's even started
losing his hair. -I know it's sweet.
He just wants to make you proud, Herr Doctor.
After all it's hard on the boy not having a father.
You know, first you were frozen, then you
were in space, now you're in jail.
Don't tell me he feels neglected. I was adopted
by freakin' Belgians.
You were adopted?
I never met my birth parents. There was a car
accident. I'm told it was a beautiful Belgian day.
The smell of waffles and brussel sprouts filled the
summer air until my birth mother was incinerated.
I only survived because her smoking carcass formed
a protective cocoon of slaughtered human effluence.
A Belgian man and his 15 year old love slave with
web feet was looting the accident scene.
They came across a blood soaked baby, moi. They
raised me to be evil. You know that old chestnut.
But nothing compares to this. Being inside the
belly of the beast night after night all alone!
Daddies all pant up, let's freak.
Times up.
"Visiting hours are over".
"Get to the line".
Cuffs up.
Move it.
Hi there. How you sleeping?
Gentlemen, listen up you all.
Here is the new plan. You're gonna start a riot.
And we're going to walk out the front door.
Hey man, I know guys on crack that
makes more sense then you.
Let me put it to you this way, coz.
Alright listen up. Tonight 8 p.m
You're going to start a riot.
"Attention all guards, there is a riot in progress".
"Seal all exits". "Attention, Dr Evil and his clone"
"Are trying to escape".
"All guards report to cell block A immediately".
There you are, good morning sunshine.
Good morning.
How did you sleep?
Great. Me too. If these lips could talk.
You have the right to remain sexy, sugar.
I hope there's a search involved.
You've got mail.
So, what does this thing do? Well, it's called the
internet, and it's completely revolutionised
The way we live and access vital information.
For example, have a look at this.
Now thats vital information.
I know it's amazing.
Basil, what's happening baby?
A lot is happening Foxy.
Dr. Evil has escaped.
The good news is that one of our agents has
managed to infiltrate Dr. Evil's organisation.
Excellent Basil, we've been trying for years to get
a mole inside Dr. Evil's lair, we now have that mole.
And here he is.
So you're the Mole.
The most excellent agent
we've ever seen.
Yes, the most excellent agent
we've ever seen. Thank you.
Now, I wasn't able to get an exact location.
But I did learn that Dr Evil has moved
To a new lair outside Tokyo, Japan.
By the way, I realise that I have
a large mole on my face.
Where? What? Where's that mole?
I didn't see one.
I also realise the irony,
that I am myself a mole.
No one would make that connection.
Anyway, well done old chap.
Jolly god work.
Yes, nice to mole you, meet you. Nice to meet your
mole. Don't say mole. Stop. I said mole. Stop.
Shut up!
"Tokyo Bay"
Up periscope.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my
new submarine lair.
It's long and hard and full of seamen.
Nothing? No? Not even a titter?
Tough sub.
Dr Evil! You look very tight. Yes, tight
like a tiger, yes.
Really? Yes, you look like a
"macho man", "Village People".
You know Goldmember, I don't think that's something
one dude should say to another dude. A little creepy.
Yes this is a keeper.
Alright you're not gonna put that skin in your
mouth are you? You did. Okay, that's just gross.
Yes, salty, yes that was good.
Ladies and gentlemen, as you know we've been
designing a "tractor beam". Code name Preparation H.
It's powerful enough to pull the meteor "Midas 22"
into a collision course with the earth.
Upon entering the atmosphere the hot boll of "magma" will
strike and melt the polar ice caps, causing a global flood.
But enough of my technical mumbo jumbo
allow me to demonstrate.
Lower the globe.
Lower the globe!
Scheisse, well congratulations numb nuts. You have
succeeded in turning me into a freakin jack in the box.
Get it off, get it off. It's dark.
I'm okay, I'm okay.
Release the meteor.
Release the meteor!
No way. Right in the cannikin.
God damn it!
Guys! Way to go a-hole! Like try and find
my balls for god sakes. 1, 2 and 3, ok. I'm ok.
Dr. Evil we still have the ultimate insurance policy.
May I present to you the very sexual, the very tight
Austin Powers, fadjer.
His what?
His fadjer doctor Evil.
His fadjer? What's a fadjer?
His fadjer. You know the fadjer. Yeah Goldmember,
I don't speak freaky deeky Dutch, ok perv boy?
Fadjer is dad, dad is fadjer.
Oh, his dad. Oh, his FATHER.
Yes, I would with that accent.
Isn't that weird? Father, father.
Nigel Powers. Hello, hello.
Bring him to me.
Easy peesy, lemon squeezy. Put the guns down.
Is this the first day on the job or something?
Look, this is how it goes. You attack me one at a time.
And I knock you out with a single punch. Ok? Go.
Judo chop. He's good.
Judo chop.
Do you know who I am? Have you any idea how many
anonymous hench men I have killed over the years?
Look at you. You havent even got a name tag.
You got no chance. Why don't you just fall down.
Alright, Dr Evil give yourself up
while you still got a chance.
Okay, okay. You got me.
Nigel Powers meet Mini-Me.
Blimey, I thought I smelled cabbage.
Take him away!
Dr Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo gold? It's kinda my thing.
How about no, you crazy Dutch bastard.
"Attention henchmen. It's health week.
Don't forget your physical, Dr Evil's orders".
You know, I think it's a shame the way they treat you.
Just because you're 1/8th of their size.
Doesn't mean you deserve 1/8th of
their respect. Does it?
Say, Mini fella, I'm curious. Is everything in
proportion? You know your bobby dangler
Your general, 2 colonels. Your giggle stick,
master of ceremonies.
Yeah, don't be shy. Let's have a look.
My word, your a tripod.
What do you feed that thing?
It's like a baby's arm holding an apple.
The good new is if you ever get tired,
you can use it as a kick stand.
I think we both know who the real
brains is behind this operation.
Tokyo International Airport, Japan.
Tokyo a go-go baby, yeah.
What's kicking Basil? A lot is kicking Foxy.
Austin. One of Dr Evil's henchmen
Has been spotted at the
Asahi Sumo Arena. Proceed there immediately.
Thanks Basil.
"Asahi Sumo Arena"
Jesus Christ! This diaper is making my nuts
rub together. It's gonna start a fire
That's Fat Bastard.
You know what my favourite
Helen Hunt movie is? Twister.
That's not right. Sure ain't.
Are we done here? I've gotta take a crap.
Wait a tic. Something doesnt smell right.
And I think its Fat Bastard.
You ok, Austin?
Sound as a pound love.
What the? I didn't have any corn.
Hey diaper lady! Here's my diaper. I think I might have
pinched one off to soon. I left a rosebud in there for you.
You really are a fat bastard.
You know that hurts my feelings. I've tried going
on a diet you know, the zoan. Curbs are the enemy.
Who's your friend?
I like to have a go with that filly.
Do you find me sexy? Look at my titties.
Shut your mouth.
Alright, that's enough.
Ok, you got me, put it there.
My titties, you gave me a ner-pull.
I've got you now.
Prepare for the ultimate wire-fighting manoeuvre.
I just hope my wire-fighting team is ready!
Oh great, isn't this magical. One of
my wire's broke.
You under arrest, sugar.
Okay, Fat Bastard, who's the Japanese
cat you made an exchange with?
His name is Roboto. He owns Roboto industries. He's
designing some contraption for Dr Evil, I don't know.
The tractor beam.
That's it.
Listen. Do you honestly think that crime can pay?
Well to be honest with you, I've been trying to go legit.
I really take my sumo wrestling seriously you know.
But when you're an over weight child in
a society that demands perfection.
Your sense of right, wrong, fair and unfair,
will always be tragically screwed.
Did you just soil yourself? Maybe. It did sound
a little wet didn't it? Right at the end.
Let's have a smell. Alright. Oh, everybody likes their
own brand don't they? This is magic. Alright analysis.
Oh, it smells like carrots and throw up. That could gag
a maggot. I smell like hot-sick-ass and a dead carcass.
Even stink would say that stinks. You know when you
got an apartment building, and you smell
Other peoples cookin' on each floor. And you go
what are they cookin'? That plus crap.
Hey pop.
Hey Scotty. How you been sport?
I got you a present.
Open the tank.
Open the tank!
Are those sharks with laser beams
attached to their heads? Cool.
You mean I actually have freakin sharks with
freakin laser beams attached to their freakin heads?
You're the best evil son an evil
dad could ever ask for.
I love you dad.
I love you son.
Touching moment.
Scotty, come here. Pop a squat
right next to daddy.
Mini-Me, move down the bench.
Theres a power struggle.
Scottys on fire.
Alright, it's getting crowded in here.
Everyone out, everyone out.
Not you Scotty. Not you number 2. Not you frau.
Not you Goldmember. Not you guys back there.
Not you henchman holding wrench. Not you henchman arbitrarily
turning knobs making it seem like youre doing something.
This is uncomfortable. The tiny one can't take a hint.
He doesnt understand. He's small.
Hello Foxy, Austin. We've confirmed what Fat
Bastard told you about Roboto is accurate.
He was hired by Dr Evil to
construct "Preparation H".
So Roboto had the technology to
build Goldmember's tractor beam.
Which means Roboto will lead
us to Goldmember.
Which means Goldmember
will lead us to my father.
"Roboto Industries
Tokyo Headquarters"
I am president of Roboto Industries.
My name is Mr Roboto.
Thank you Mr Roboto. I thank you.
Thank you for seeing us on
such short notice.
You speak Japanese?
A little.
You might be a cunning linguist,
but I'm a master debater.
I'm looking for my father.
He was kidnapped.
Please eat some shit.
Please eat what?
He said, Please eat some shitake mushrooms.
Tell me what do you know about
my fathers where abouts?
Your ass is happy?
No. He said, Your assignment is an unhappy one.
I have a huge rod
Nice potty mouth dirt bag.
I have a huge rodent problem.
A little off the topic,
but unfortunate nonetheless.
Yes, quite off topic, thank you very much.
Why don't I just speak in English?
That would be a good idea, now wouldn't it?
making it seem like youre saying things that are dirty.
I'm sorry to hear about your father.
But I can't help you.
Please excuse me.
I have another appointment.
By the way I do have a huge rod... I wish.
Mr Roboto was lying to us.
Tell me something I don't know.
I open mouth kissed a horse once.
Say what? That's something you don't know.
My Spider sense is telling me that my father is still in
this building. You keep a look out. I'll try and sneak in.
Austin Powers is on the premises.
Yes sir
Keep a look out for Austin Powers.
Judo chop.
Come here and look at this.
Is he doing what I think he's doing?
Come on sugar.
Theres Goldmember and Roboto.
Yes, very impressive. Put "Preparation H"
into my stoopen transporten.
What's this? You need this to tone the tractor beam.
It's a gold key.
Smarty pants.
Let's spread out.
Hands up Goldmember! It's payback time.
Sure you can kill me. But then what
happens to Austin Powers fadjer?
And now he's going to have an
unfortunate smelting accident.
Don't worry dad,
I'm here to rescue you.
May I point out that the last time around
you fell into an obvious trap.
Now you're trying to rescue me
instead of stopping Goldmember.
Please I'm not gonna let
Goldmember get away.
Austin, goldmember is getting away.
Hello, hello, aren't you gonna
introduce us Austin?
Foxy this is...
Powers. Nigel Powers.
Is that Ouder Floers you're wearing? Yes, it is.
That's how a woman should smell.
Especially one as beautiful as you. My, my even
in the face of danger you live up to youre reputation.
Get on with it.
I've got an idea.
Your spy car is a mini?
It's not the size mate. It's how you use it.
You know I would have found my way up that
conveyer belt. What? I saved your life.
You should have done your job!
Shut up and turn around please!
Run! It's Godzilla! It looks like Godzilla, but
duo to international copyright laws it's not.
Still we should run like it is Godzilla.
Though it isn't.
There's Goldmember.
this is Goldywang over.
what's your Chad-20 over?
I've got "Preparation H" in my rear and smoke
in the barrel of my back. Viva las convoy, over.
Yeeha, copy that sun'bitch monkey nuts.
I'm entering your mouth no over.
Great, Goldmember got away.
Now what?
I think it's obvious, we should take Dr Evil's
lair by force.
You can be my back up son.
Back up? Well thats fairly condescending.
Do you think Dr Evil is gonna expect an attack?
We should infiltrate his lair.
This ain't my first rodeo, cowboy. We need
commandos, scuba, gadgets for god sake.
Well, I don't like to use gadgets.
Outside the bedroom. I thank you.
You know, I think being frozen
damaged your brain.
Really? And how would you know? This is the
most time that we've spent together since... ever.
What are you saying son? What boy learnt to drive
a car with machine guns on it.
Or had a helicopter you could
fit in a nap sack.
What about your Swedish nanny Helga?
Let's say I didn't hire her
for the cooking.
She stayed on until you were 24.
We were mates you and I.
I didn't need a friend. I needed a father.
Do you know I risked my life trying to save you.
And you still don't give me any respect.
Respect! Come on.
If you got an issue, here's a tissue
That is not funny.
Well, I suppose we better
go our separate ways then.
"Austin's Tokyo Hotel"
So I've been assigned to welcome
you to the ministry of defence.
I have a letter from my director
personally thanking you for switching sides.
I, can't wait to inform Austin
of your defection.
Hello Basil. Austin should be here any second.
Yes. I'm in Austin's hotel room right now.
Try to kill me, will ya?
You wanna be friends?
Wait a tic.
I'm not falling for that again.
At least he didn't mention it. Yes I realise he
can't talk. Listen, I think Dr Evil treated him badly
And that's why he decided to help us.
I'm sure Austin and Mini-Me will get along famously.
I guarantee nothing will happen
to Mini-Me on my watch.
I think he and Austin will be united in their
commitment to the mission of stopping Dr Evil.
Austin, there you are.
I've come to tell you the good news.
Mini-Me has switched sides.
Sorry about that old chap.
Welcome aboard.
My Mole-stake. What was that? Listen just get it
out of your system. No I'm fine. I insist.
Mole! Bloody Mole! We're not supposed to talk about
the bloody mole, but there's a bloody mole
Winking me in the face. I'm gonna chop
it off and make some guacamole.
So you've decided to join us Mini-Me?
Welcome to the good side my mini brother.
And thank you for the map
of Dr Evil's sub.
What's this? It says, Dr Evil's tractor beam is now
complete. There's not much time. Dr Evil must pay.
You are so beautiful. Are you a clone of an angel?
That is so sweet. No my mini man, I'm not.
Are you sure you don't have a little clone in you?
Yes I'm sure. would you like to?
That is so not funny.
Okay everyone, prepare to dive.
This spy car is also a submarine.
Get me the world organisation!
What is it Dr. Evil? Gentlemen, in a matter of hours
a meteor will crash into earth causing a global flood.
That is of course unless you pay
me 1 billion, zillion...yen.
I think you're bluffing. Perhaps you'd
like a demonstration? Nr 2, the key please.
Sir, Dr Evils not bluffing. One of
our satellites has fallen out of orbit.
Which one? It's the one
that looks like a pair of...
Melons! Big juicy melons! Are they
nice and firm? What do you think?
Look at that. It looks like a set of giant...
Hey, A and N you're late. How're we doin...
Go Titans! Check it out. Those remind me of...
Boobs. Boobs, Ozzy? These
filmmakers are just fucking Boobs.
What do you mean dad? Well, they're using the same
fucking joke as they did in the last Austin Powers movie.
What fucking joke? You know. The fucking joke about
the long smooth rocket that looks like some guys...
Johnson. Yes, sir? Any sign of
that satellite? No sir, it's gone.
Gentlemen, you have my demands. Peace out.
Cool baby, you look very switched on.
Thank you Austin.
No, Mini-Me, off! Bad! No humping!
Dr Evil, in light of the success of the device,
it is Japanese custom that I receive a bonus.
A bonus? That's good.
Throw me a freakin bonus here.
I haven't laughed that hard since I was a little girl.
Thank you. You're not joking?
No, in fact, if you don't give me
the bonus...
Hey, dad. Hey Scotty.
How are you sport?
Won't you let me take care of this?
He's got a good Evil laugh. Scotty! Scotty!
Scotty, take it down a notch. It's creepin a bit.
Let's go.
We'll need to disguise.
There's only one uniform. One of us
has to go on the other ones shoulders.
Hey there buddy, hows it going? Good to see ya.
How are you. Sorry about that. It's a good hat.
Come on Mini-Me, let's go.
Hold it right there mister.
Did you really think you could
get away with this? I did actually yes.
Every new recruit must have a physical.
Now get in here sailor.
I'm going to need a urine sample.
And here we go. Sorry.
Alright sailor, go behind that screen
and strip down to your underwear.
Alright then I'll just go to that screen.
Which is over there.
Come on, hurry the map.
Ok, what's our plan?
I'm going to need a urine sample.
Which way to the main chamber?
Excuse me doctor.
It's difficult in public isn't it?
Mini-Me our shadows.
we're casting a shadow.
What's wrong sailor?
You should check that guy out.
What the hell's going on in here?
Hands up.
You heard me, I said hands up.
Both of you
Come with me.
Mini-Me, the map! Go!
Okay, you got me.
Are you alright little man?
Right on.
Mr Powers.
Before I kill you, perhaps you'd like
to see the genius of my plan. Key please.
What the? Who? But how? Where?
Looking for this?
Alright, everyone drop your guns,
because Foxxy Cleopatra's in the sub.
Smashing Foxxy, yeah.
Alright Dr Evil. It's finally come
down to this. You, me and a gun.
What are you going to do now Austin?
Dad? What are you doing here?
I've got to finish this up once and for all.
I'm afraid you can't do that. I have to protect my son.
Dad, I'm fine.
I'm not talking about you.
I'm talking about him.
What? Dr Evil is
not your son. I am.
You both are.
It was our first family holiday together.
Just as I was finishing a case
Your mother brought the two of you to Belgium.
I stopped to have a tinkle
When the car...
But my parents died in a car accident.
It was no accident.
It was an assassination attempt.
I thought only Austin survived. I should
have told you the truth earlier.
But those Belgians.
They made you so damn evil.
And of course they share
a border with the Dutch.
Very interesting story, Mr Powers. Of course I'm
gonna have to wait until I see all the facts. Daddy!
Daddy's here, Doggy. Doggy?
Doggy, remember doggy?
Dad, what's going on?
What are you going to do Austin?
Are you sure you can trust Dr Evil?
He ain't heavy, he's my brother baby, yeah.
I should've told you this so long ago son.
I'm very proud of you.
Can you forgive me?
I forgive you dad.
Come on, first I'm not evil enough for you.
And now you're gonna turn good?
Listen Scott. You can spend your whole life
trying to win your parents acceptance.
Believe me. But at the end of the day,
you've just got do it for yourself, baby.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I don't even
know you, but I hate you to. And I especially hate you!
You'll pay! You'll all pay!
I'd like to point out that no one else in my
gen pool runs like a girl.
Not so fast, smarty pants!
Dr Evil. You might not want
to destroy the world. But I do.
"Preparation H" goes ahead as planned.
I'm going to flood the earth!
Think again Goldmember. Foxxy Cleopatra. It's
a shame I had to kill your partner.
Too bad for you.
Too bad for me? How about too bad for you.
Luckily I keep a spare.
Look everyone, my winky was a key.
Only a bloody Dutchman.
You mine, sucker!
Foxxy, I'm coming!
Nobody try anything stupid,
or the shooting begins.
Austin, take Doggy. I'll stay here
and be your back up.
Doggy, what do we do?
I'm not a real hands on evil genius.
Think! You were always the smart one. I could re-rout
the output capacitor to the tractor beam
From one of the condo wit boxes up there.
Come on, let's go.
The shooting begins.
You know Dr. Evil. I used to think you were crazy.
I know. But now I can see you're nuts. I thank you.
Well done Austin. He has saved the world again.
Thank you.
Austin, you did it. We did it.
Yeah baby!
No? Just trying it on.
Goldmember, you under arrest, sugar!
Hey, assholes, do I have time for
a smoke and a pancake or what?
I'm from Holland, isn't that weird.
Hey, Powers! Fat Bastard? But you're not fat
anymore. I went on a subway diet. I've lost 180 pounds.
Congratulations baby. Thank you. I do
have a little bit of access skin though.
And unfortunately my neck
does look like a vagina.
Austin, thank you for everything.
I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers!