Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999) Movie Script

Houston, this is Condor.
We are doing an E.V.A.
of the payload.
We are about to present
the module with--
What the--
Oh, my gentle Jesus.
Houston...we have a problem.
Launch procedure commence.
Oh, God!
And Im spent.
Do you smoke after sex?
I don't know, baby.
I never looked.
Oh, Austin!
What shall we do now?
Well, Ive got an idea.
Why dont we shag?
-Sure, baby.
We're only up to chapter eleven
in the "Kama Sutra."
Dont you want to try
the wheelbarrow...
or the praying donkey...
or the Chinese shag swing?
Im going to get us
some more champagne, jungle boy.
Im going to get us
some more champagne, jungle boy.
Are you OK?
Ive never felt better, Austin.
All right, then.
Im just gonna go watch a movie.
"In Like Flint."
That's my favorite movie.
What's going on?
I don't know what you mean,
Im the same Vane--
You must be--
Tu imaginacion
esta jugando con ti, querido.
Oh, my God!
You're a fembot!
No shit, Sherlock!
Machine gun jubblies?
How did I miss those, baby?
Perhaps next time
you should try foreplay.
Right. Oh, my God!
Here's your wedding present,
Mr. Powers.
A kamikaze bride from me--
Dr. Evil.
Oh, thank God.
I can't believe Vanessa...
my bride...
my one true love...
the woman who taught me
the beauty of monogamy...
was a fembot all along.
Wait a tick.
That means Im single again!
Oh, behave!
Yeah, baby, yeah!
Yeah, baby, yeah!
How are you?
Good to see you.
What's that?
Yes. Yeah, that.
Good one, man.
What's goin' on here?
Good to see you guys.
Good to see you.
Rabbis, how are you?
Nice meat.
Photo op.
Yeah, baby.
Keep a close eye
on that Kreplachistan situation.
Yes, sir.
Jerry! Jerry!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
If you just joined us,
today's topic is...
My father is evil, and he
wants to take over the world.
OK, let's meet Scott Evil.
Hi, Scott.
Nice to have you with us.
Tell us about your father.
My dad is the head of
a worldwide evil organization...
with aspirations
of world domination.
Pretty serious stuff.
Where is he now?
He's, like,
cryogenically frozen...
orbiting the earth or something.
That's what you think.
We have a surprise for you.
Let's bring out
Scott's father Dr. Evil!
we've got a situation here.
What is it, Sergeant?
Hello, Scott.
Daddy's back.
How could you do this to me,
on national television?
Well, throw me
a frickin' bone here, Scott.
Why'd you run out on me?
Because you're not quite
evil enough.
Well, it's true.
You're quasi-evil.
You're semi-evil.
You're the margarine of evil.
You're the Diet Coke of evil.
Just one calorie.
Not evil enough.
What are you,
some kind of freak?
-Shut up, you--
-OK, come on.
Ill kick your...punk.
Bring it on, skanky--
All right, come on.
No one talks to my son
like that. It's OK, Scott.
You mother--
You were born in your mother's--
Im OK. All right.
You were born in your mother's--
Ill kill you both!
There you go!
I got your hood!
Settle down.
Its OK.
Its only a television show.
Calm down.
Im all right. Im easy.
-Everything OK?
Get this jerk out of here.
Ill give you--piece of--
He's biting me! biting me!
The world is mine, you--
You've got mail.
Hello, Basil.
Hello, Austin.
How was your honeymoon?
It turns out
that Vanessa was a fembot.
Yes. We knew all along, sadly.
Anyway, I have
a new assignment for you.
You're scheduled for
a photo shoot...
and one of the models
works for Dr. Evil.
Groovy, baby!
Shaguar, ho!
Show me to the models, baby.
Let the magic begin.
Who have we got today?
OK, great.
Austin Powers,
Ive heard a lot about you.
Im Rebecca Romijn.
I don't believe
Ive had the pleasure.
Well, of course
you haven't had...
the pleasure, Rebecca.
We just met, baby. Yeah.
Who are you, baby?
Ivana Humpalot.
Excuse me?
And I vanna toilet
made out of solid gold...
but it's just not
in the cards, is it?
You know...
OK, everyone, let's get started.
Yes, beautiful. Feeling it!
Let's get some smiles.
Its all in here.
That's it. Yes!
Let's let the inside out.
OK, you're an animal!
Yes, there we go.
You're a tiger!
You're Tony the Tiger!
You're grrreat!
Very good. Loving it.
Now you're a lemur.
Running as a pack.
We go left.
We go right.
There's a predator
out of the jungle.
What's going on?
That's right, youre a lemur.
That's all you've got.
You don't have sharp teeth
capable of biting.
Make an interconnected series
of tunnels like the Viet Cong.
And look.
Im not even shooting you.
Its crazy.
And Im spent.
Right, thats a wrap, everyone.
Miss Humpalot.
Da, darling?
Shall we?
Give me moment, hmm?
Dr. Evil, several years ago...
we invested in a small
Seattle-based coffee company.
Today Starbucks offers
premium quality coffee...
at affordable prices.
If we shift our resources...
away from evil empires
and towards Starbucks...
we can increase
our profits five-fold.
Number Two,
I make the decisions here, OK?
I demand a little respect.
Dr. Evil,
you have a little of the...
I will not tolerate
your insolence!
Frau Farbissina,
wie geht es ihnen?
Sehr gut, Herr Doktor.
How are things?
I have come to embrace the love
that dare not speak its name.
To my right is my lover.
We met at the LPGA Tour.
Her name is Unibrau.
Right on.
Welcome, Unibrau.
A little milk...nose...mustache.
I know.
Meant to.
That's how we drink it
in Belgium.
Called a Belgian dip.
While you were frozen...
we began a program to clone you.
Send in the clone!
He is exactly like you
in every way.
Except one eighth your size.
I shall call him...
Your stock is rising,
Number Two.
Come, Mr. Bigglesworth.
Mini-Me, are you hungry?
Something to eat?
Not even a Hot Pocket?
An Eggo?
No,we don't gnaw on our kitty.
Leave Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth
Just love him and stroke him.
As you know...
every diabolical scheme
that I have hatched...
has been thwarted
by Austin Powers.
And why is that,
ladies and gentlemen?
'Cause you never kill him
when you get the chance to...
and you're a big dope.
Down, Mini-Me.
Austin Powers always defeats me
because he has mojo.
The libido. The life force.
The essence. The right stuff.
What the French call
a certain...
I don't know what.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Ive developed a device
for traveling through time...
which I call a time machine.
Using this time machine...
Im going back to the Sixties
and steal Austin Powers' mojo.
If you have a time machine...
why not just go back
and kill Austin Powers...
when he's sitting
on the crapper or something?
How about no, Scott?
Why not use your knowledge
of the future...
to play the stock market?
We could make trillions.
Why make trillions
when we could make...
A trillion is more
than a billion, numnuts.
All right, zip it.
-You can't even--
-Zip it.
Look, all Im--
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, ex-zip-it A.
Number Two,
would you please back me up?
-Look, Im Zippi Longstocking.
-l can't--
When a problem comes along
You must zip it
Zip it good.
Frau, would you please--
-Im just trying to--
Would you like to have
a suckle of my zipple?
-l want you--Stop--
Listen--All--You know--
You're like a child--
Talk in--If you--
Just--One time--
Zip it.
Unveil the time portal.
As you know...
Austin Powers
was frozen in 1967.
I will travel to 1969...
two years after he was frozen.
He'll be helpless.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Im about to travel
through time.
I bid you adieu.
Im OK.
Not turned on, I suppose.
Do you think you could...
Yeah, thanks.
Come, Mini-Me!
Don't be scared, Mini-Me.
Welcome to 1969.
Thank you, Number Two.
You look so healthy
and youthful.
Well, thank you.
Herr Doktor.
And Frau, you look so...
I received your memo
from the future.
Your new lair is up and running.
Is it a hollowed-out volcano
like I asked for?
Of course.
Then it's all going
perfectly to plan.
Yeah, baby, yeah!
When did you get the Clapper?
November 1964.
Dutch East Indies. Shore leave.
Do you know how we keep warm
in Russia?
I can guess, baby.
We play chess.
I guessed wrong.
It takes a keen intellect
to play chess.
I assume you know how to play.
Of course, baby.
What to do, what to do.
Let me ask you a question.
And be honest.
Do I make you horny, baby?
Do l?
Do I make you randy?
No more games.
Dr. Evil sent me here
to kill you...
but I find you so...
sexy and...
Just make love to me.
Now, Austin Powerovich.
You're hairy like animal!
Grr, baby! Very grr!
Make love to me, monkey man.
Dr. Evil, I don't understand...
how we can hope to steal
Austin Powers' mojo.
We've tried this before.
The security around Powers
is foolproof.
But this time
we have an operative...
inside the Ministry of Defense.
Yes, really.
He's stealing Austin Powers'
mojo even as we speak.
He's a disgruntled
Scottish guard...
known for his lethal temper
and his unusual eating habits.
He weighs a metric ton.
His name...Fat Bastard.
We've had reports there's a spy
in the Ministry of Defense.
The contents of this room
are vital to the country.
Be on special alert.
Yes, sir.
And try to lose some weight,
for God's sake.
Mr. English colonel
tellin' me to lose weight.
Im a hard case, he says.
Well, listen up, sonny Jim...
I ate a baby!
Oh, aye, baby.
The other other white meat.
Baby: Its what's for dinner.
Ive got your mojo now,
sonny Jim.
What's wrong?
Ive lost my mojo.
the test results confirm...
that you've lost your mojo...
and it couldn't come
at a worse time.
We have evidence that Dr. Evil
has developed a time machine...
and has traveled back
to the year 1969.
Luckily, we, too...
have developed
a time travel device...
to transport you
back to the Sixties.
This is where you
input your destination.
Wait a tick.
Basil, if I travel back to 1969
and I was frozen in 1967...
presumably, I could go visit
my frozen self.
But if Im still frozen
in 1967...
how could I have been
in the Nineties
and traveled back--
Oh, no, Ive gone cross-eyed.
I suggest you don't worry
about this sort of thing...
and just enjoy yourself.
That goes for you all, too.
This is smashing, Basil.
I go back to the Sixties,
recharge my mojo...
defeat Dr. Evil,
and be back in time for tea.
Swinging Sixties,
here I come, baby, yeah!
Move! Move!
I bet that's expensive.
Stop it now, Austin!
Here we go.
Yeah, baby, yeah!
Godspeed, Austin Powers.
Im home!
Im back in the Sixties,
baby, yeah!
Get your hands
off my Heinie, baby.
Who are you today, baby?
My name is Robin Swallows.
That's an interesting name.
Maiden name's Spitz.
Which is it, baby,
Spitz or Swallows?
Those are skintight.
How do you get
into those pants, baby?
You can start
by buying me a drink.
I want! I want!
Better play it cool.
Your friend works for Dr. Evil.
And just who
do you work for, baby?
Tell me, Mr. Powers...
do you swing?
Are you kidding, baby?
I put the Grr! in swinger,
Then why don't you come right...
over here.
I can do that.
Prepare to die, Powers!
Use the machine gun!
Say good-bye, Powers!
Use the bazooka!
The fall will kill us both,
You can't win, Powers.
Why won't you die?
Care for a ride?
Austin Powers, I presume.
Powers by name,
Powers by reputation.
Felicity Shagwell, CIA.
Shagwell by name...
shag-very-well by reputation.
Oh, behave!
Not if I can help it.
You know what's remarkable
is how much England...
looks in no way
like Southern California.
We've got company! Looks like
one of Dr. Evil's assassins.
Steady now.
Hands up!
Do you remember me,
Austin Powers?
I don't recall your name
but your...
fez is familiar.
My name is Mustafa.
And Im the man
who will be killing you now.
Who sent you?
You'll have to kill me.
Who sent you?
Kiss my ass, Powers.
Who sent you?
Dr. Evil.
-That was easy.
-That was.
Why did you tell us?
I can't stand to be asked
the same question three times.
It just irritates me.
Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
Why would he tell me?
Im just one of his
low-level functionaries.
Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
You'll have to torture me.
Ill never tell you.
-Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
-Damn! Three times.
He's hiding
in the secret volcano lair.
Where's Dr. Evil's
secret volcano lair?
I spit at the question.
Do I really have to ask you
two more times?
Go to hell, Powers!
Fine. Where is Dr. Evil's
secret volcano lair?
I will take it
to the grave with me.
You have to answer.
He asked you three times.
The second question was...
Do I really have to ask you
two more times?
That would be the first question
in a new line of questioning...
and wouldn't count in
the other line of questioning.
He's right.
However, Im just trying to
get information from you, man.
I don't need any consistency
in the questions, do l?
No. You're preaching
to the converted--
If Im preaching
to the converted...
then why are you
being so slavish...
to the three-question form?
You're not even
looking at me, man.
Now you're just being rude,
you know what I mean?
You're not listening, man.
Oh, crikey!
Well, Austin, I think this time
you have finally met your match.
Oh, no, baby.
Ive beaten Dr. Evil before,
and Ill beat him again.
I was talking about me.
Hello up there!
I seem to have fallen
down a cliff.
Im still alive,
but Im very badly injured.
I think my legs are broken.
Ill try to stand.
Yes, they are broken.
Perhaps you could
toss me a band-aid...
or some antibacterial cream.
Im in an extraordinarily
large amount of pain.
The bone has
gone through the skin.
I fear it might be gangrenous.
The wound is beginning to smell
a little like almonds...
which is not good.
No one?
Ill try the other leg.
Two of my assassins are dead.
I will not tolerate failure.
Im the man who will
maintain the dignity...
of this evil organization.
What the hell was that?
Volcanic eruption!
May I present to you my spy
in the Ministry of Defense...
Fat Bastard.
First things first!
Where's your shitter?
Ive got a turtle head
poking out.
Im not kidding.
I got a crap on deck
that could choke a donkey.
Its squidgey!
Christ, Im getting
all emotional from it, you know?
Fat Bastard,
could I have my mojo, please?
Where's my money?
All right, give him his money.
Jesus Christ, he's tiny!
Ive had bigger chunks of corn
in my crap.
Wait a minute.
He kinda looks like a baby.
Come here! Im gonna eat you!
Im bigger than you.
Im higher on the food chain.
Get in my belly!
Come on!
You're lucky, wee man!
Can I have a hug?
Let me make you a deal,
all right?
You get the mojo,
you keep your money...
and Ill get your baby.
I want my baby back, baby back
Baby back, baby back,
baby back ribs
I want my baby back, baby back
Baby back, baby back,
baby back ribs
Excuse me.
Baby back ribs
Dr. Evil, what are we
going to do about Powers?
Austin Powers
is no longer a threat to me.
I have his mojo.
All right, everyone,
you're dismissed.
Private time.
Dr. Evil, I don't want this
to interfere with our work.
Don't worry, mama.
Things won't get weird.
One for me...
and one for my homies.
Herr Doktor.
So what happened here?
Apparently a rogue agent
named Fat Bastard...
infiltrated the unit...
assigned to guard
your cryogenic chamber.
He used some sort of nerve gas.
These men don't
remember a thing.
Captain, why don't you...
Fat Bastard's profile...
with the mainframe at Langley?
Yes, ma'am.
Can I borrow that, please?
Thank you.
Look at me.
Im a sexy bitch, baby. Yeah!
You're a Popsicle, yes.
And Im spent.
Let's go, baby, yeah!
Hey there. How are you?
Come on, Felicity.
Yeah, babe.
Shall we sit down?
This is great.
So, Austin,
what's the future like?
everyone has a flying car...
entire meals
come in pill form...
and the Earth is ruled
by damned dirty apes!
Oh, my God!
Had you for a second.
You can have me for even longer,
if you want.
You're one groovy baby...
Too many babies.
Dont you dare move.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Burt Bacharach...
and Mr. Elvis Costello.
What do you get
when you fall in love?
A guy with a pin
to burst your bubble
Would you care to dance?
I'd love to.
For all your trouble
Never fall in love again
Ill never fall in love again
Don't tell me
what it's all about
'Cause Ive been there
and Im glad Im out
Out of the those chains,
those chains that bind you
That is why
Im here to remind you
What do you get
when you fall in love?
You only get lies
and pain and sorrow
So for at least until tomorrow
Never fall in love again
Never fall in love
You're quite good on your feet.
Im even better off my feet.
Oh, behave, baby.
-Hi there.
How are things?
Good, Herr Doktor. And you?
Just taking a break?
Try the Hot Pockets.
They're breathtaking.
It got weird, didn't it?
-l knew it.
You haven't called.
We talked about this.
We promised each other
it wouldn't get weird.
I can't let my feelings
for you interfere...
with my taking over the world,
you know that.
You know,
I will never love another man.
Yes, that's true.
Dr. Evil, Im late.
No, you got here right on time.
No, I mean Im late.
Hey there, sport.
What are you doing here?
I was just thinking that maybe
we could work all this out.
After all, you are my father.
Scott, you had your chance, OK?
I already had someone
created in my image.
He's evil, he wants
to take over the world...
and he fits easily
into most overhead storage bins.
Look at him, he's crazy.
He's like a vicious
little Chihuahua thing.
He'll kill me
the first chance he gets.
I love you.
I am a sexy bitch. Yes.
make yourself at home, baby.
What do you think of
my shag pad, darling?
Its amazing, Austin.
Wait a tick.
That's how my mojo was stolen.
Fat Bastard.
She's a professional agent.
She's not interested
in shagging!
Please, God.
Spectacles, testicles,
wallet, and watch.
Austin, Im waiting.
How about one of
your world-famous massages?
You mean a sensual massage?
Right, then.
OK, here we go. Yes.
Wait a minute,
something's itching me.
That's better.
How does that feel, baby?
How does that feel, baby?
You don't have to be cute
with me.
We're way past that.
We are?
What do you think?
Listen, Felicity...
Im sorry.
I can't do this.
I have to go.
Is it me?
I can't explain.
Hello, Agent Shagwell.
Where's Austin?
I must've said something wrong,
so he just left all of a sudden.
Listen, I don't want you
getting too close to Austin.
Its not meant to be.
I don't get too close
to anybody, Basil.
My interest in this case
is purely professional.
Then you won't mind tracking
down Fat Bastard tonight.
No problem.
We need you to plant
this homing device on him...
by any means necessary.
No problem.
Keep up the good work.
by any means necessary.
Look at yourself.
You used to be so virile.
You were a swinger, man.
And now you're nothing.
But at least
it can't get any worse.
Well, surprise, surprise, huh!
Look at that meal.
Im dead sexy.
Look at my sexy body.
Oh, look, Im like a singer.
Oh, sexy man, sexy man
Eating like a sexy man can
By the way,
would you like some chicken?
Ive got more.
No, thanks.
What have we got here?
Done with that.
All right, that's done.
by any means necessary.
Frisky, are we?
Give it up!
Ladies and gentlemen...
we're about to begin phase two
of our evil project...
or is it phase--
I don't know phases.
Anyways, this is the phase...
in which we put
a giant laser on the moon.
As you know, the moon rotates
around the Earth, like so.
When the moon reaches...
its appropriate
lunar alignment...
it will destroy
Washington D.C.
You see, Ive turned the moon...
into what I like to call
a Death Star.
-Nothing, Darth.
What did you call me?
Nothing. Rip-off!
Bless you.
Anyways, the key to this plan
is the giant laser.
It was invented by the noted
Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons.
Therefore, we shall call it
the Alan Parsons Project.
Oh, my God.
What now?
The Alan Parsons Project is a
progressive rock band in 1982.
Why don't you just call it
Operation Wang Chung, ass?
What should we--
Im sure Operation Bananarama
will be huge.
What are you saying?
-If you wanted--
Trying to be hip--
-You're so--
If we could put aside
the family squabbling...
I think we could get down
to some serious business here.
I don't like that insolent tone.
-l meant nothing by it.
-You want to run things?
No, not at all.
You want to be Daddy,
is that it?
Number Two, you want to wear
the Daddy pants?
You gonna cry?
You gonna cry?
What are you doing?
Are you gonna squirt some?
You gonna cry?
See, you were gonna cry.
You're a big man now, huh?
Yeah, thought so.
About what happened last night--
You don't have to explain.
You don't understand.
You see...
Ive lost my mojo.
Oh, so that's why you--
I thought you didn't like me.
Oh, no, baby.
You're very shagadelic.
I just didn't want
to fall in love again...
and I thought you'd never
love me without my mojo.
Its not you.
You're fab, switched on,
a bit of all right. Yes!
That is so great.
There's something
I should tell you, too.
Last night, I planted
a homing device on Fat Bastard.
Smashing, baby.
Then we can track down
Fat Bastard...
get my mojo,
go back to my place...
hop on the good foot
and do the bad thing. Yes!
But there's more.
In order to get close
to Fat Bastard, I had to--
Hello, hello.
The signal's coming through.
He's at Paddington Station.
Let's go!
-We're close, baby.
-This way.
Straight--no, no, left.
Through here.
We've got him.
Private, bring up the ram.
Go, go, go!
Where is he?
Oh, my God!
Fat Bastard left a floater!
In the name
of all things sacred...
that is the most
foul-smelling thing ever!
Somebody flush it down!
No, nobody touch anything.
We have to get the sample
to the lab to be analyzed.
Im gonna give.
Austin, there you are.
Has the sample been analyzed?
Cor, baby.
You look very shagadelic!
But do we really have
to be here, Felicity?
I mean, it's so boring.
I don't believe in science.
When it comes to the spy game,
to me, it's all instinct.
-Hello, everybody.
-Hello, Basil.
The results are in.
We've discovered trace elements
of a rare vegetable...
found only on one island,
here, in the Caribbean.
What does it all mean, Basil?
It means that this is
the location of Dr. Evil's lair.
Smashing, Basil.
This coffee smells like shit.
It is shit, Austin.
Oh, good, then it's not just me.
Its a bit nutty.
Excuse me, Dr. Evil.
I have to speak to you
about this Mini-Me.
He's not fitting in?
Is he giving off too much
of a creepy Oompa Loompa vibe?
No, it's just that he bites.
He's a biter.
What's wrong, Mini-Me?
Something you want to tell us?
Get me the president
of the United States of America!
Oh, he's on.
What do you want, Dr. Evil?
Mr. President,
in twelve hours...
I will destroy Washington D.C.
with this giant laser.
What the--?
Mini-Me, stop humping the laser.
OK, honest to God...
why don't you and the giant
laser get a frickin' room?
Mr. President, after
I destroy Washington D.C...
I will destroy another major
city every hour on the hour.
That is, unless, of course,
you pay me...
one hundred billion dollars.
Dr. Evil, this is 1969.
That amount of money
doesn't even exist.
That's like saying, l want
a kajillion bajillion dollars.
Come on, Mr. President,
show me the money.
Show you what money?
Show me the money,
show me the money.
You had me at hello.
Tear. Nothing? No?
Psst! Its 1969.
Jerry Maguire won't come out
for another thirty years.
Nobody knows what
you're talking about, ass.
Scott, Daddy's working, OK?
And when you're
in the main chamber...
try and use
the big boy voice, OK?
Thank you.
Mr. President,
allow me to demonstrate...
the awesome lethality
of the Alan Parsons Project.
Fire the laser!
Damage report! Damage report!
Its OK.
Its all right. Come on.
Actually, that was footage
from Independence Day...
but the real laser
would be a lot like that.
Yeah, scary.
Now, Dr. Evil--
Talk to the hand, 'cause
the face don't want to hear it.
What hand? Talk to your hand?
You ain't all that
and a bag of potato chips.
What are you talking about?
Don't go there, girlfriend.
Whose girlfriend?
Don't mess with me,
Im one crazy mo-fo.
I had to pop a cop...
'cause he wasn't giving me
my props in Oaktown.
No? I heard that somewhere.
You're an idiot.
Mr. President, I think
we have an understanding.
Dr. Evil, what are our plans
regarding Austin Powers?
Austin Powers?
He's the snake to my mongoose.
Or the mongoose to my snake.
Either way, it's bad.
I don't know animals.
But I do know this--
This time it's personal.
Kill him.
There's Dr. Evil's island.
Let's set up camp.
Be careful with that bag!
There's explosives in it.
This could be dangerous.
What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Well done, very good.
Dr. Evil, that was fantastic.
Thank you, Number Two.
I wrote that, yeah.
Dad, he put this in my bed.
Your stupid mini-you.
He put road kill in my sheets!
don't you ever do that again.
You hear me,
don't you ever do that again!
I can't stay mad at you.
Look at that punum.
Dr. Evil's headquarters
is right over that next ridge.
Let me look.
Damn it. How do we get in?
Hello, Mummy.
Can I have some chocolates?
I want some Mars Bars.
Don't smack my bottom, Mummy.
Sorry, love.
I got stuck
in your dirty pillows.
Let's look at the map.
Austin, what's our plan?
According to this map...
the entire island is crawling
with Dr. Evil's guards.
I want to make sure
the explosives didn't get wet...
but I can't find them.
Look in the bottom.
OK, Ill dig a little deeper.
Wow, this bag is really full.
Just keep digging, darling.
Ill just feel around for them.
Good lord, Austin.
What do you keep in here?
Anything that catches
my fancy, you know.
Give it a good tug.
Do we really need this?
Ill ask you not to open that
inside, thank you very much.
Oh, my God.
Oops, it went off.
Yes, it does that
from time to time.
Eww. Yuck.
Yeah, that's nasty.
Yeah, sorry about that.
These people make me sick.
Can you snap me a beer?
What is it?
Its a gerbil.
How did that get in your bag?
I don't know.
Dr. Evil, we have a problem.
Austin Powers is on the island.
Bring him to me...alive.
Hit it!
This is
a very sensitive subject.
Just the two of us
Just the two of us
From the moment I heard
Frau say I had a clone
I knew that I'd be safe
'cause I'd never be alone
An evil doctor shouldn't
speak aloud about his feelings
My hurt and my pain
don't make me too appealin'
Id hoped Scott
would look up to me
Run the business of the family
Head an evil empire
just like his dear old dad
Give him my love
and the things I never had
Scott would think
I was a cool guy
Return the love I have,
make me want to cry
Be evil,
but have my feelings, too
Change my life with
Oprah and Maya Angelou
But Scott rejected me,
c'est la vie
Life is cruel,
treats you unfairly
Even so, a God there must be
Mini-Me, you complete me
Just the two of us
We can make it if we try
Just the two of us
Just the two of us
Just the two of us
Building castles in the sky
Just the two of us
You and l
You've got this packed
really tight.
Are you OK?
Yeah, I just got a bit
of a back cramp, that's all.
Just keep packing it in.
I found the explosives.
Help me check them.
You're surrounded!
Drop your weapons!
Hands up!
Move out!
Ladies and gentlemen,
in just a few moments...
we're going to place
a giant laser on the moon.
From my Death Star...
I will destroy
every city on the planet.
Get off of me.
Ah, Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell...
welcome to my
hollowed-out volcano.
This is my associate
Fat Bastard.
Felicity, I think you two
may have already met.
Is that all the thanks I get
for the night of hot sex?
Im dead sexy.
You were crap!
In your dreams.
Felicity would never
sleep with you.
I did what I had to do.
Im a secret agent.
All right, that's enough,
Fat Bastard.
As much as I like
seeing Powers in agony--
and I do--
the thought of you naked
is just gross.
You can't stop me now,
Mr. Powers.
I have your mojo...
and Im taking it with me
to the moon.
Put them in a jail cell.
My mojo! Ill get you, Dr. Evil!
Look at me, Im shaking
in my little space boots.
I want my mojo!
Great plan, Einstein.
You're gonna put him in a cell
with one inept guard...
and they'll escape!
God, you do this every time!
You know, Scott...
Ive been a frickin' evil doctor
for thirty frickin' years, OK?
Cut me some frickin' slack.
You forget, Scott,
we're in a volcano.
We're surrounded
by liquid hot magma.
What are you drawing?
Its just a good-bye card,
that's all.
Its sweet.
Hey, get him. Get the baby!
Back off.
Simmer down. Simmer down.
He's my posse.
You take special care of him.
He's my special boy.
Attention, prepare for launch.
Repeat, all technicians
to launch position.
Im about to go to the moon.
Initiate pre-launch sequence.
Main rocket engines, ignition.
begin the countdown.
Begin the countdown at thirty.
You know what?
When the doors close...
just say go. Better.
Colonel, you better
take a look at this radar.
What is it, son?
I don't know, sir.
But it looks like
a giant--
Take a look out of starboard.
Oh, my God,
it looks like a huge--
-Oh, where?
Wait, that's not a woodpecker.
It looks like someone's--
We have reports of
an unidentified flying object.
It is a long, smooth shaft,
complete with--
Two balls! What is that?
That looks just
like an enormous--
Wang! Pay attention.
I was distracted by
that enormous flying--
What's that?
Well, it looks
like a giant--
-Yes, sir.
Call British Intelligence
and let them know about this.
What do we do?
Why don't you just shag
Fat Bastard again?
This is no time to get jealous.
How could you do it?
I was just doing my job.
No, I mean literally,
how could you do it?
The man's so fat...
the sheer mechanics of it
are mind-boggling.
Don't lay your hang-ups on me,
just 'cause you lost your mojo.
Ouch, baby.
Very ouch.
Look, Austin,
we're running out of time.
Im sorry.
I just did what I thought you
would do in the same situation.
You're the reason
that I became a spy.
I thought I wanted to be you,
but then I realized that...
I want to be with you.
You do?
Hang on, baby.
We should talk about this later.
First we need to get past
that one inept guard.
Right, here's the plan.
What if I pretend to be ill
with food poisoning?
The guard, drawn by my cries
of pain, comes to investigate.
Meanwhile, you dig a pit...
line it with makeshift
punji sticks...
made from sharpened
The guard falls in,
Bob's your uncle, we escape.
What do you think?
That might work,
but what about this?
What do you think of these?
What a...burn?
That sort of thing
could get a man...fired.
I think he was...
-That's enough.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to my moon base.
You've all been chosen to be
part of my elite moon unit.
Which is divided into
two divisions...
Moon Unit Alpha...
and Moon Unit Zappa.
In exactly six hours...
the moon will move
in its orbit around the earth...
bringing Washington D.C.
within range of my giant...
Begin laser...
ignition sequence.
Begin laser ignition!
Attention, Moon Unit Zappa
to firing stations.
Initiation sequence in progress.
OK, all right.
All I asked for was a frickin'
rotating chair, OK?
Getting a little afraid.
I need an old priest
and a young priest.
The power of Christ compels you.
The power of Christ compels you.
Sick as a dog now.
Gonna vomit.
We need to hitch a ride
to the moon, baby.
Apollo Eleven is good to go.
Crew to all stations.
We will have liftoff
in T minus five seconds...
We have liftoff.
Apollo Eleven
has cleared the tower...
and is heading
for a rendezvous with the moon.
Arm the laser.
Arming the laser!
arming the Death Star.
Battle stations.
Laser on!
All crew at battle stations.
Get me the president.
You're gonna like this part,
This is the part where
we threaten the world leader.
I know we do it every time,
however it is important to--
Where are you?
Can someone put a frickin' bell
on him or something?
Somebody get the stick.
Just grab on to the hook,
all right?
You complete me.
I love you.
Hang in there, Mini-Me.
If anything
should happen to you...
I don't know what I would do.
Id probably move on,
get another replica.
But there'd be
a ten-minute period there...
when I would just be
We have your money, Dr. Evil,
but it wasn't easy.
Papa has to do some work, OK?
Well, you have exactly
thirty minutes to get it to me.
Jiminy jumpin' Jesus,
I can't believe
we're gonna pay that madman.
I got nukes up the ying-yang.
Just let me launch one,
for God's sake.
Are you suggesting
that we blow up the moon?
Would you miss it?
Would you miss it?
Mission control,
the swinger has landed.
Airlock, open.
Let's find Dr. Evil.
Enjoy your stay on the moon.
There he is.
Ill cover your rear.
No, you go ahead.
This time it's personal.
No more.
I can't take it anymore.
You brought my glasses.
Bless your little heart.
Well, that's not right.
Don't--That's just--
Now Im pissed.
Judo flip!
Poor little bugger.
He's so small.
He's like a dog or something.
Poor little bugger.
Get off!
Get out of my suit!
It tickles. It tickles.
Poor little bugger.
I salute you.
All right, slap-head.
Turn around.
Where's my mojo?
Well, it looks like you
have a choice, Mr. Powers--
save the world...
or save your girlfriend.
Don't worry about me, Austin.
You've got to save the world.
Kill him!
Fire the laser.
Target locking.
Laser set to full vitality.
Judo kick!
You may have won the battle,
Mr. Powers...
but you lost the war.
Wake up, Felicity. Wake up!
Escape pod ninety-five.
I love you, Felicity.
I love you.
Dr. Evil! Ill kill him!
You shot me, you a-hole.
And now Im going to kill you.
Before you do that...
know this...
I am your father.
No, not really.
I can't back that up.
Right. Idiot. Yes.
But isn't it interesting,
Mr. Powers...
that you would rather kill me...
than save
your precious Felicity?
What do you mean?
Remember, there's a time portal
in the main chamber.
You could go back and save her.
Ill do that.
Good work!
Well, it looks like you
have a choice, Mr. Powers--
save the world
or save your girlfriend.
Don't worry about me, Austin.
You gotta save the world.
I choose love, baby.
Wait a tick. Who are you?
Im you, ten minutes from now.
Damn it! You are handsome.
I was just thinking the same.
We are sexy.
We are sexy bitches. Yeah!
All right.
This is ri-goddamn-diculous.
Kill them both!
Fire the laser.
Listen, past Austin...
can you save the world
while I go get the girl?
Sure, Austin-from-
Lock in target.
Laser set to full vitality.
Come on. Are you all right?
Yeah, come on.
You all right?
You OK?
Say, what's the policy
on mnage a trois?
You are adorable!
Looking for this, Mr. Powers?
My mojo.
Self-destruct in
two minutes and counting.
Watch out!
See you in hell, Powers.
Hey, Austin-from-
This place is gonna blow.
Let's go. Come on.
Thirty seconds and counting.
-Let's go.
-My mojo!
We have to go now.
My mojo. Im useless without it.
You've had it all along.
What do you mean?
You defeated Dr. Evil,
you saved the world...
and believe me,
you're gonna get the girl.
All right then, maybe later.
Yeah, come on.
Ill set the controls for 1967.
Felicity, why don't you come
with me to 1999?
I don't know.
The Sixties were so groovy.
I want to see what happens
in the Seventies and Eighties.
The Seventies and the Eighties?
You're not missing anything.
I looked into it.
There's a gas shortage
and a Flock of Seagulls.
That's about it.
Let's go.
I love you, Austin Powers.
And I love you,
Felicity Shagwell.
Wherever we go...
there we are.
Special delivery.
Surprise, surprise.
Listen, missy,
do you fancy another go?
'Cause once you've had fat,
you never go back.
You shut your mouth,
you bastard...
who is fat.
Yeah, that's very good.
Before you kill us,
let me ask you one question.
Are you happy?
What kind of stupid ass
question is that?
Im rich, and Im dead sexy.
You didn't answer my question.
Are you happy?
Of course Im not happy.
Look at me, Im a big fat slob.
Ive got bigger titties
than you do.
Ive got more chins
than a Chinese phone book.
Ive not seen my willie
in two years...
which is long enough
to declare it legally dead.
I can't stop eating.
I eat because Im unhappy.
Im unhappy because I eat.
Its a vicious cycle.
If you'll excuse me...
there's someone I have to get
in touch with and forgive.
Oh, God.
Sorry, I farted.
Its a long road ahead.
Who am I kidding?
Im going to kill you anyway.
Judo chop!
Right in the mommy-daddy button!
That's for calling me crap,
you fatty.
Listen, baby, I don't care
if he is a Fat Bastard...
you don't give a man
a shot in the pills.
Its just not cricket.
Do you think Ill be happy
here in the Nineties?
Well, I know the Nineties
might sound boring...
but as far as Im concerned...
Ive brought the best part
of the Sixties back with me.
Wait a minute.
Where are you going?
Did we get Dr. Evil?
No. He got away in that rocket
that looks like a huge...
The male reproductive organ.
Also known as tally whacker,
schlong, or...
Any of you kids
want another wiener?
Dad, what's that?
I don't know, son,
but it's got great big...
Nuts! Hot, salty nuts!
Who wants some?
Lord almighty!
That looks just like
my husband's...
One-eyed monster.
Step right up and see
the one-eyed monster!
Hey, what's that?
It looks like a big...
Woody! Woody Harrelson?
Can I have your autograph?
Sure, no problem.
Oh, my Lord. Look at that thing.
Its so big.
Ive seen bigger. That's...
Just a little prick.
Its a flu shot.
You've been
in the coldness of space.
I don't want you to get sick.
Its one thing to attack me.
Its quite another
to attack my Mini-Me.
Im gonna get you,
Austin Powers.
Im gonna get you.
Thank you. Welcome back.
Today we're doing a follow-up...
to a segment
we did several months ago...
on Fathers who are trying
to take over the world.
Let's begin with Scott Evil.
What's going on with your dad?
Well, my dad tried to take
over the world...
with a giant laser on the moon.
I know.
We have a surprise for you.
What, my dad?
No, it's not your father.
Its your mother.
Come on out.
Scott, you are my love child
with Dr. Evil.
I thought
I was a test-tube baby.
Lies. All lies!
I love you, Mom.
I love you, too, son.
Thank you.
You know,
what have we learned here today?
Perhaps it's that
no one can take your mojo.
You can look around
all you want...
but what you're really trying
to find is on the inside.
Take care of yourself
and each other.
I think Im gonna like it
in the Nineties.
I never knew
it could be this way!
Oh, baby, baby, baby.
That's good.
How could you?
I thought that--
Past Austin?
it's not cheating, baby.
Felicity, I can't blame you.
The man is handsome, baby!
We're just plain handsome, man.
Am I wrong,
but this makes me horny, baby.
Very randy!
Well, one thing's for sure--
Ive got my mojo back.
Its definitely back.
Hello. You all right?
Me spuds are boiling.
Come on, darling,
let's hop on the good foot...
and do the bad thing.
Paging Dr. Freud.
Hello up there.
Is the movie over?
Im still down here...
and Im still in
quite a lot of pain.
Maybe someone in the lobby
could call an ambulance.
Oh, the pain
is really quite severe.
I've fashioned
a makeshift splint.
Here goes nothing.