Axe Murdering with Hackley (2016) Movie Script

[crickets chirping]
[ominous music]
[owl hooting]
[film reel scratching]
- [Dwight] It's over.
- [Tobi] We did it, he's dead.
- [Narrator] You
thought it was over.
[ominous music]
You were wrong.
Hackley, he moves like a shadow.
[creepy breathing]
[lightning rumbling]
Never runs, never makes a sound.
[bat whacking against body]
Don't be scared, don't
be frightened,
be completely terrified.
[woman screaming]
[ax hacking flesh]
[upbeat rap music]
Hackley's reign of terror
will never end.
But those who do, it's time
to make your voice heard
- [Narrator] There's
just no stopping Hackley.
[ominous music]
[flesh squelching]
From the director of The
Rancid Terror and Yell II,
Hackley XVII: Blood Lines.
Coming Fall, 1985.
Hackley is back.
[ominous music]
[creepy breathing]
[creepy breathing]
- Oh shit!
[ax whooshing]
[man screaming]
- Help!
[ax hacking flesh]
- Help, help me!
- Run, run!
[bones cracking]
- Please, let me go!
[women screaming]
[footsteps pattering]
[door banging open]
[group screaming]
[bones cracking]
- Run!
[man groaning]
[man mumbling]
[creepy breathing]
[dramatic music]
- Is he still back there?
[ominous music]
- [Girl] Yep.
- I wanna get a selfie.
- Are you serious?
- [chuckling] Yeah,
it's kinda fun.
And, oh, there he is,
- Stop.
- He's kinda
- Switch, come on.
- Fine.
Can we please stop?
- Look, just don't take
your eyes off of him and
we'll be fine.
- [Bobbie] How long have
we been at this now?
- [Hackley] 13 fucking hours.
[ax hacking flesh]
[blood spurting]
I've never been so glad
to kill somebody
in my entire fucking life.
[ax hacking flesh]
[blood spurting]
I'm definitely bringing this
shit up with my manager.
[birds chirping]
[alarm beeping]
[ax smashing alarm]
[alarm sizzling]
[suspenseful music]
[upbeat music]
[creepy breathing]
[creepy breathing]
[creepy breathing]
[creepy breathing]
My therapist thinks
I've got too much
pent-up anger and frustration.
Well, I mean, what do you
want me to do about it?
That's what I'm seeing you for.
And he's like, I don't know,
you could write a journal.
This is the 21st century,
nobody does that anymore.
What everybody does
is they blog.
Here I am.
I hate my job.
Now, don't get me wrong, I
love what I do.
I hate my bosses, my
cubicle, and what's worse,
the mountains of red
tape I gotta go through.
We are just bogged down
with status report
after status report.
And then in-between the
status reports,
we gotta have a status meeting.
You would think that once
you've reached my level
of seniority,
that the only things
I'd have to worry about
are attack dogs,
FBI's most wanted,
guys like Donald Pleasance,
but no.
I have to write status reports.
[upbeat music]
- [El Matador] Status meeting!
Hello all, we've got a
lot to go over, ya hosers,
so settle down.
- [Hackley] My manager.
You know, his status meetings
are apparently always
so important,
yet not important enough for
him to get there on time.
- [El Matador] Did everyone
have a chance to look over
the new rules that we
passed out last week?
There is some important
stuff in here.
Alright, well, since
this is a status meeting,
let's go around the room and
get everybody's statuses.
- [Hackley] Oh yeah, I
forgot to tell you.
He's, ah, he's dead.
He's gonna be a little late.
- [El Matador] Guys, if
you're gonna be late,
I'm gonna need you to
send me an email.
- [Hackley] Well, that's a
little hard when you're dead
and in a box six feet
under the ground.
You don't get real
good reception.
- [El Matador] Hyde,
how's the thing
you're working on going?
- [Hackley] Yeah, well,
hey, before you get started,
I got a couple things I wanted
to talk you about like this
whole no running thing.
- [El Matador] No, no, no, no,
no, this is a status meeting.
We do not talk about rule
changes at a status meeting.
- [Hackley] But they're stupid,
we, we need to
address these rules.
- [El Matador] It's a
status meeting.
Now, what's your status?
[Hackley sighing]
- [Hackley] I spent half a
day following these girls,
and I can't actually kill 'em
'cause one of them was
turned around looking at me,
which is another one of
your stupid rules.
So I had a little trouble
killing them in a timely
- [El Matador] Obviously,
I'm not very happy
with your performance.
We are going to have to put you
on a performance
improvement plan.
- [Hackley] What?
No, no, no, no, I've been
here 30 years, alright?
I'm in a company commercial.
A PIP, me?
- [El Matador] You're not
getting fired.
We're not mad at you.
We just wanna help get ya
back on track.
- [Hackley] Have you even been
in the field for 20 years?
I mean, no, you don't even know
what it's like out there, man.
These rules, they don't
work anymore.
Nobody can kill effectively
with this kind of limitation.
- [El Matador] Rival,
what's your status?
- [Rival] I killed 17
people this week.
Six stoners, three sluts,
about a dozen total assholes.
Also, I took out Kris Kringle,
that drunken,
mean-spirited mall Santa.
Used to work for
Killers Unlimited.
- [El Matador] You got a
Clash of the Titans kill?
- [Rival] Yeah, I gutted
him real good.
You know, my bare
hands just reached
in there and pulled his
intestines out,
and wrapped 'em around the
Christmas tree like tinsel.
[El Matador chuckling]
That mall will never
be the same.
- [El Matador]
[laughing] Great work,
and did you happen to
have to break
any company policies to
get that done?
- [Rival] No, I did not.
- [El Matador] Hmm.
- Lucky.
- Well, Asparagus?
- Ah, I, this week, um, got
new hangers for my closet.
- [El Matador] Well,
great work. [chuckling]
[Asparagus chuckling]
- Okay, we've all gone
over our statuses, right?
We've taken care of
that order of business.
So do you think maybe now
we can discuss
and brainstorm some of
these company policies?
- [El Matador] This is a
status meeting!
- [Hackley] But we've got
the conference meeting
for another...
- [El Matador] Great, so
being the last
status meeting of the month,
it's time for
[knuckles tapping]
Employee of the Month!
And I think it comes
to no surprise
that RKS's Employee
of the Month,
- Yay, Rival!
[group clapping]
[El Matador clapping]
- [El Matador] So, thank
you all for attending.
Hackley, please come see
me when you have a moment,
so we can talk about your
performance improvement plan.
Great work guys.
[atmospheric music]
- Ah, morning buddy.
- [Hackley] Hey, Rancid,
what you got there,
a little resurrection
goo or whatever?
- You know it.
- [Hackley] I don't why you
use those wipes still, man.
They changed the formula.
It's like totally
biodegradable now.
In fact, it tastes like
- Really?
- pineapple.
- Really?
- [Hackley] Yeah, I
just lick it off.
- Hmm, really?
- Make a pina coloda
out of it.
- That taste like semen.
- [Hackley] Pretty good, huh?
Dumb ass.
- Asshole.
So, how was the, ah, the
meeting this morning, huh?
- [Hackley] Yeah, just be
glad you weren't there.
That was the most boring--
- That's what I figured.
- Yeah.
- You know, I, ah, I got
myself killed last night
on purpose so I
wouldn't have to go.
- [Hackley] [clicking
tongue] Good thinking.
- [laughing] Mm-hmm.
- I should have thought
of that myself.
- My office!
Five minutes, Hackley.
- Good morning, chief.
- Put your mask on.
[Rancid sighing]
- [Rancid] Hold on, there we go.
One sec, alright.
I'm stuck, it's--
- Come on.
Let's show a little
- [Rancid] Alright.
- [El Matador] Professionalism.
- [Rancid] What's his problem?
- [Hackley] Yeah, I kinda
got put on plan.
Don't laugh.
[Rancid laughing]
What did I just say?
- [Rancid] So what's El
Jefe going to make you do
for your performance
improvement plan?
- [Hackley] That I,
I don't know.
My boss, El Matodor.
From Canada.
Makes sense, doesn't it?
You know, they say that
those who can't,
they teach.
Well, those who can't and
are also morons,
ah, they get stuck in
middle management.
His whole life, he
wanted to integrate
his national heritage
into his whole serial
killer shtick.
And right when he's
about to unleash
his new Canadian
inspired costume,
this other guy comes
out with one
that's almost exactly the same.
He's got no time, he's running
around at the last minute,
and he goes with the
Mexican theme.
And after 30 years, he
has never let it go.
- [El Matador] What's the big
deal with the hockey mask,
I mean, that hoser,
mongoloid retard
isn't even from some place cold.
He's from Mississippi.
He's never even been to
a hockey game.
I'm from Saskatchewan.
I've been wearing a hockey
mask ever since I was born.
It just really gets my goat,
you know?
- Yeah, goats.
- So, you're on plan.
And we're gonna lay out
clear expectations
and give you a task
to get you off of plan.
- What?
This is stupid, man.
This is asinine.
- Don't get an attitude
with me, eh, you're only
in this situation because
of your actions.
And this task will help
you get on track
so that everybody's happy.
- [Hackley] Alright,
look, can just give me my,
I don't know, Lassie Tasks,
so I can get back to play,
I mean to work.
- [El Matador] Don't
think I don't know what
you mean by that, eh.
You're gonna take these
tasks seriously.
- [Hackley] Lassie Tasks.
We call them that
because management
tries to talk 'em up and
make 'em look all heroic,
but everybody knows he
just a bitch.
And all of that stuff
that involves,
you know, all of that
workhorse stuff.
Basically anything that has
nothing to do with killing,
that's not for us,
that's for the new guys.
- [El Matador] Hyde is
going to kill
a whole bunch of kids
at a fat camp.
We nee you to Molly Maid
it and then you,
no, no, no, no, not that one.
- Being a Molly Maid.
- Hackley was here and
he killed all my friends.
- Hack--
- There were bodies
- Listen, Hackley's been
dead for weeks, okay.
I think we're gonna have
to take you into custody.
- Can't you smell the Lysol?
- Yeah, we're gonna go.
[ominous music]
- [El Matador] Rival
needs someone
to cue up his theme music.
Ah, Schindler's List?
- [Hackley] And then
there's Schindler's Listing.
It's where you put 'em
on a live list
and there's a die list.
That task is actually not
that, it's not that bad.
Unless you're Schindler's
Listing a Jewish guy.
In which case you start
thinking about Nazis,
and you know, you kind
of feel like a dick.
Especially when you put
'em on the die list.
- [El Matador] [chuckling]
A blonde, a cut blonde girl.
Danielle Peckham,
sheriff's daughter.
Check it out.
- [Man] If our cast can't
find a reason to kill you,
you become a free agent.
Who would you like to see
pick up your contract?
- You know, I'd be honored by
any of those big companies.
Would love to see Grizzle.
I've been a big fan of his
work for years.
LK Limited had the kill
rates to me before RKS,
and they always kept
stuff interesting,
so it'd be an honor for
any one of those.
- [Hackley] Yeah, okay,
look, I know the drill,
but, um, I don't like the
way we're doing things.
I have to spend all this
time casing the joint.
We could just kill her.
Can you imagine how
ballsy that would look?
We're not even worrying about
whether or not she's
a good girl,
we just kill her.
She's a good girl, you
know what I'm saying?
Think about the headline
Man, it would be like, look,
anyone could be a victim.
- [El Matador] No.
Hackley, that's dumb.
We, we can't go off
company handbook.
We have these things
for a reason.
- [Hackley] No, we don't.
Dude, the only reason
that we have that handbook
is because a bunch of
suits sit around
in some office somewhere,
we don't even know where
it is, and they like
just sit to justify
- no, look, this.
- [Hackley] their existence.
They just make a bunch of
corporate pol--
- Whoa there, slow down.
This policy is very
important to me,
so I want you to follow it.
This happens to be
integral and very important
to the credibility of
our organization.
- [Hackley] Important?
You made that policy,
didn't you?
That's yours.
- [El Matador] It don't
matter none who wrote it.
Also, we've got an intern
starting next week.
I want you to take him
under your wing,
and when you're done
with your Lassie,
special tasks, show
him the ropes.
- [Hackley] Oh, no.
- [El Matador] So, I've got
your girl's address right here.
Take it.
Let me know if you have it.
- Okay.
- You're gonna need this
address to find her.
- So please--
- Photographic memory.
- [El Matador] Call me if
you have any questions.
[Hackley sighing]
- Hey, you busy?
- No.
So, what's your Lassie Task?
- [Hackley] I'm, I'm
Schindler's Listing this chick.
- Oh.
- Yeah, you wanna
get some coffee and come along?
- [Rancid] Yeah.
[atmospheric guitar]
- Oh, shit.
Don't look.
- [Rancid] Shit.
- Hey, friends.
- [Hackly] Hey, Asparagus.
You ever have that one
guy at your job, you know,
you're not really
sure what he does
or how he even stays employed?
Well, ours is Asparagus.
I don't he's killed a
single person.
I think he's kinda like this
special outreach or something,
but they're not telling us.
- Ah, can I, can I,
ah, ask you a question?
- [Hackley] Sure.
- Thanks.
[atmospheric guitar]
- [Hackley] Your car or mine?
- [Rancid] Ah, it's your
assignment, you drive.
Then, I take the bag of weed,
and I shove it in his mouth
and I ligth the whole
damn thing on fire.
Poof! [laughing]
- [Hackley] Nice, I
haven't done anything fun
like that in years, man.
Not since they put those
proposed guideline,
13 rules into effect
or whatever.
More of that bullshit
I'm talking about, man.
[voice distorting on intercom]
- [Hackley] What do you want?
- [Rancid] Um, low fat latte.
- [Hackley] Could I get
a low fat latte
and whatever, that thing
right there on the menu.
[voice distorting]
Yeah, that thing.
[voice distorting]
You know they're gonna make you
fill out 1048 form
for that PG13,
Mary Jane kill, right?
- No.
- Why not? Why not?
I mean, they make me
fill it out.
How come I have to do
this paperwork
and you get off for free?
- [Rancid] 'Cause me and El
Bosso are cool like that.
- [Hackley] Thank you.
Whoa, ah?
- [Rancid] Ah, dude, can
you get some extra napkins?
This guy in the back's
getting crap all over me.
- [Hackley] Yeah, yeah, can
we get some extra napkins?
[man gasping]
Thank you much.
- [Rancid] Thank you.
Thank you.
[atmospheric guitar]
One, two, three, four
[upbeat rock music]
- [Hackley] So, how do
you avoid doing
all of that paperwork, man?
- [Rancid] I get in good
with the boss.
It's like, you know, playing
fantasy football late together,
we go shoot pool from
time to time.
I gave him one of
those cheerleaders
from the old football
massacre last year.
- Oh, yeah?
- He's not gonna fire me.
It's like, we don't pay wages
like any of the other
companies in town.
You know?
- Mm-hmm.
- [Rancid] So I take
care of the big stuff,
and he doesn't sweat
the small stuff.
- [Hackley] Why doesn't he
do that shit with me, man?
I mean, I've been at this
company longer than anybody.
I got 15 company records.
- [Rancid] Because you're
a dick to him.
- [Hackley] 15, yeah, yeah,
yeah, I'm a dick, okay.
Technically you're right.
But yeah, okay, I'm not
gonna stop being a dick
just to get out of paperwork.
So who killed you last night?
- [Rancid] Oh, this
really hot chick.
A chick so hot you'd be like,
oh, there's no way she could
keep guys out of her pants.
But she does.
- Man.
- [Rancid] And I get taken out.
- That sucks.
- Better than
fucking last month.
This real like nerdy kid
with all these nerdy
stereotypes, you know,
like glasses and shit.
- Fair fight.
- Suck my dick.
I couldn't have taken
that kid that one time
since they cut off both
of my arms, you know?
- Mm-hmm.
- But I just have
to sit there and take it.
- [Hackley] Yeah, I
know what you mean, man.
My worst one is this little
eight year old kid, right.
He's coming down the stairs
and I'm gonna get ready
to just let him kill me
because of the rules,
but I notice he has shaved
all of his hair
on his whole body.
- Whole body?
- Yeah, well,
on his head at least.
Maybe he didn't have
hair anywhere else yet.
- Sure.
- But not just that,
he was wearing these like tiny,
daisy duke looking shorts
on his little chicken legs.
He's, he's got the moxie, right?
Like he's trying to
act all tough.
Where I'm almost pissed
myself laughing
was he tried to like
run me through
with his little, his
little grubby hands
on that little cutlass he
had from a toy set, man.
It wasn't even funny.
I think it was Pirates
of the Caribbean
or something like that.
- [Rancid] I never got
that company policy.
- [Hackley] Oh, yeah,
that's, that's retarded.
- [Rancid] Where is this chick,
- [Hackley] Oh, you know,
I'm sorry, I didn't call
her and let her know
that we were gonna be
sitting here stalking her
and casing her, you know,
just in case
we wanna cut her head off.
[man gasping]
Well, ah, actually, on
that note man,
be a little serious,
I've been thinking about
getting a new job.
I'm just tired of all
the bullshit around here.
- [Rancid] You know there's
bullshit everywhere, right?
- [Hackley] Yeah, yeah, yeah,
but at least
it would be new bullshit, right?
And so then you're in that,
you know,
you don't even know
it's bullshit
for a good several months,
and so you're kinda sitting
in that blissful ignorance
where you don't even
realize how much like sucks.
- [Rancid] So what
brought this on?
- [Hackley] Ah, you, nothing,
nothing, nothing at all.
Want some coffee?
- [Rancid] Rival got employee
of the month again today.
- [Hackley] How come
they haven't
given that to me once?
[Rancid laughing]
I mean, I've got 15
company records.
- [Rancid] Same reason,
you're a dick.
- [Hackley] But I
owned the 80's.
And I owned the 90's, alright?
And he just sits there with his,
you now,
stupid mask on, polishing
his stupid trophies
with a stupid name
that doesn't even
go with serial killer.
I mean, Rival? Are you serious?
What was he, was he like
the guy in Karate Kid 2?
- [Rancid] I think
someone needs tacos.
- [Hackley] [sighing] Yeah,
fair enough.
Fuel me through the day
All the way until the night
It's bad for my heart
So why'd I ever start
I don't now
But you can get it anywhere
Even Walmart
It's great for a while
As long as it would last
Till my body started begging
For some more real fast
Give me more, give me more
I gotta get my hit
Gotta get another strip
- [Hackley] I don't
believe for one second
that he can take a seven
foot nine basketball player
and kill him with a pump
that you use to inflate
a basketball.
It's obviously bullshit.
Oh, oh, that might be her.
- [Rancid] What, what
she's, ah, what she's doing?
- [Hackley] It looks
like laundry.
Oh, shit.
- What?
What dude?
- Really?
Oh, man.
- What's she doing?
- Oh, yeah.
- She's not
in the shower, is she?
- Mm-hmm.
- [Rancid] She's in the
fucking shower?
Oh, goddammit, I can't.
- No, no, no, no.
- [Rancid] I can't
just sit in this
car while there's a hot
- You can't.
- girl in the shower.
- Look, we cannot
just go kill her.
First, we have to case the joint
as if we were going to kill her.
- [Rancid] There is a
hot girl in the shower.
I can't not kill her.
- [Hackley] I, I hear you.
I understand, I mean, look,
I'm wearing a mask too.
I wanna go over there
and cut her head off.
It's a, it's a hot naked girl.
I'm with you, man.
- In the shower.
- [Hackley] Yeah, but
it's the bullshit.
It's the bullshit I was
talking about.
Although, you wanna go kill
some awkward World of
Warcraft players?
We can kill them.
Some people ask me,
where'd you get your costume?
You know, it was one of
those throwaway things
that was just laying
in my closet.
I think my grandma gave me,
I never really wore it.
So I decided to do
this focus group
and they came up with the apron.
I just kinda splashed
blood on it,
and, I don't know, it
just kinda looked
like I made brisket
out of the Brady Bunch.
We don't use real blood anymore.
You probably didn't know this
but blood, when it dries,
it turns brown.
With that blood, it
would look like
somebody just went and smeared
a whole bunch of doo-doo on me.
And not only does it
look like poop.
[ominous music]
[cat meowing]
[Joanie groaning]
- [Scott] Yeah.
- I love this.
- Oh, yeah.
You okay?
- Ah, what's that smell?
- [Scott] Don't worry about it.
- It's really bad.
- Is it me?
I, I showered today.
- No, it's, I don't even
know where it's coming from.
- [Man] Here, just take
your mind off it.
[cat meowing]
[creepy breathing]
- No, I can't.
I, I can't lose
- What?
- my virginity this way.
I can't.
- What?
- Scott, I, put me down now.
- Joanie, Joanie?
- Gross.
- I don't smell anything.
- [Hackley] That kinda
bullshit can seriously cut
into a man's productivity.
[phone ringing]
- Hello?
Asparagus, how many times
have we gone over this?
Your life insurance policy
does not cover you
every time you die.
Is that clear?
- [Plague] I cannot seem
to get anyone scared of me.
Yeah, everyone's scared
once you hack
their legs off with
garden shears,
but with you, you just
walk into a room
and everyone runs screaming.
- Yeah, uh-huh.
- Me?
I walk in, everyone just stares.
What is it that you're
doing that I'm not doing?
Is there any like a thing?
You got that ax thing.
- [Hackley] Yeah, yeah,
you know,
um, you know these things,
they just take time.
I mean, look at me, I
didn't become
a legendary killer overnight,
Maybe you just need a
few big kills
and, you know, you'll be just
as scary as the rest of us.
You know?
- So you're saying
I do need an ax?
Or is it this outfit?
I need a new outfit?
- No, no, no, no.
Please do not change
anything about this outfit.
This is, this is not
the problem.
Trust me.
[upbeat music]
It's just gonna take
time to find your thing.
- [Plague] Yeah, maybe
you're right.
- [El Matador] Oh, hey there.
Hey, Hackley.
[pencil clattering]
[pencil clattering]
[pencils clattering]
[pencil clattering]
Hmm, Hackley, hey, hey.
- Oh.
- [El Matador] Your new
intern is here.
- [Hackley] Hey, boss.
- [El Matador] Ah, come on down
Ah, we're right here.
Ah, here, have a seat.
Ah, right there.
Now, Hackley, um, this
is Mitre-Saw,
Mitre-Saw, this is Hackley.
Ah, you two get acquainted
and you kids have fun.
- Hey.
- Hello.
- [Hackley] Look, the first
thing we're gonna need to do
is, yeah, let's get you a mask.
- No mask.
- [Hackley] What do you mean,
no mask?
- I want my victims to look
upon me and see frailty.
A life past its prime.
One to make them realize how
much they're wasting theirs.
- [Hackley] Okay, look, I
see what you're trying to do.
It's cute but we all wear masks.
That's just, you know, basics.
You see that guy back there?
[atmospheric guitar]
That's the kind of guy
who doesn't wear a mask.
Look, um, I gotta go
do this thing,
so I'm gonna be a while,
but I tell you what,
later you and I,
we're gonna go out and I'm
gonna show you the ropes.
- Ow.
- [Hackley] What do you mean,
- I'm ill.
My disease has spread
throughout leaving me weak.
- [Hackley] Ew, what
kind of disease?
- Cancer.
- Oh.
- And diptheria.
- Oh.
- And consumption.
- Wow.
[hands rubbing on clothes]
- And lupus sometimes when,
whenever it gets cold.
- [Hackley] Alright, I
tell you what,
you go ahead and get some sleep.
Conserve your strength,
if you die,
go ahead and give me a call.
Otherwise I will see you later.
And, yeah.
[upbeat music]
I've been getting really,
really angry lately.
My therapist says I
have what's called
an impulse control problem.
[atmospheric music]
[customers chattering]
Hey, that was tea.
[creepy breathing]
[body thudding in dumpster]
[ominous music]
[body thudding in dumpster]
I have to remind my therapist,
of course I have an
impulse control problem,
I'm a serial killer.
- [El Matador] And
that's why we've started
asking survivors to fill
out this survey,
so that we can become
better killers.
[ominous music]
[body thudding in dumpster]
[birds chirping]
[Mitre-Saw coughing]
- [Hackley] So how exactly
can you be an effective killer
when you're all weak
and cancery?
- Staring death in the face
has left me callous to
laws and life itself.
Combined with my
superior intellect,
I shall prove to be a
menacing presence.
- [Hackley] Look, I don't
mean to be, you know,
insensitive to your whole
condition and everything,
but I'm a little concerned
about your ability
to perform at this point.
Can you even lift a chainsaw?
- I think not in terms
of such simple devices
to inflict my damage.
My instruments shall
display a complexity
to mirror my own
- [Hackley] So, a
double chainsaw?
That's our mark.
Alright, we're almost up here.
Here, take a look for yourself.
Or not.
Look, you just sit there,
and I'm gonna show you
how a pro does it.
A seasoned veteran in the house.
[door beeping]
[ominous music]
[creepy breathing]
[glass shattering]
[woman screaming]
[body thudding]
[door beeping]
Did you see that?
I picked her up and then
I bludgeoned her
to death with here
own egg beater.
- It was flawed.
She had not time to think.
To grow.
For redemption.
- [Hackley] Yeah, of course not,
We, we kill them.
That's all we do.
We're not therapists, okay?
Are you even listening to me?
- The world doesn't exist solely
in shades of black and white,
good and evil, as you see it.
People live in varying
shades of gray.
- [Hackley] No, no, you
don't understand.
Look, we separate people
into good guys and bad guys.
Right? And then we kill
the bad guys.
- Go here.
- [Hackley] Okay.
Ah, well, we're done
here so might as well.
[upbeat rap music]
Coming hot like spaghetti
Sharp as a machete
So you better get ready
for us to rock steady
Gotta mix it up and
lay it down
Gotta blast it real
loud all over the town
Gotta spread the word
And of course
spread the legs
Beats Wise has arrived
and he's brought the kegs
- [Hackley] Where are we?
- Look in that window.
- [Hackley] Okay.
Which one? Oh.
What is that contraption
you got him in?
- It is a device of my
own creation.
That man, on the surface,
is one of your good men.
He's a teacher but in the
remaining hours of his day,
he escapes into a
digital online world.
Now, he must play a game to
spare the rest of his life.
- [Hackley] How did you
even get him in that?
That thing looks so heavy.
- I didn't do it by myself.
I had friends to help.
- [Hackley] You can't do that.
That's cheating.
I wanna look away but I can't.
Hey, hey, I think it's, ah,
I think it's broken, man.
It's not doing anything.
- That device will rip him
limb from limb,
separate his sternum, and
rip his ribcage apart.
It will expose his whole
insides for the world to see.
- [Hackley] That's
not even scary,
that's just gross.
- He was given an option.
He can either accept his
fate or he can choose.
He may dip his hands
in acid exposing a key.
Both a literal key and a
metaphorical key to his
It has been surgically
implanted into his hands
and in order to save his life,
he must sacrifice his hands
and that other digital
life that he leads.
- [Hackley] [sighing] Okay,
how long does he have?
- Seven and a half hours.
- [Hackley] Seven and
a half hours?
We've gotta sit her and
wait seven and a half hours
before he actually croaks?
- But should he escape
with his life,
he will no longer
take for granted
that gift that he
has been given.
He will be reborn a more
noble individual.
- [Hackley] No, he will
be reborn as a cripple,
and that pretty much means
he can't be an asshole
because you can't call
a cripple an asshole.
I'm gonna have to go get
him out of there
or we're gonna get fired.
Or something.
[door beeping]
[ominous music]
[upbeat music]
Man, that could have been bad,
I just saved both of our asses.
- You have cheated him
out of his lesson.
- [Hackley] And you
almost cheated me
out of a paycheck, man.
Come on.
Although, it would be pretty
fun to just up and kill him.
- Maybe it was not he
who was shackled.
[upbeat music]
- [Hackley] I know they're
looking to fire me.
I think they're just
building up a case.
Gathering information.
That's why I got
this little gem.
With this, I'm gonna record
all of the horrible workplace
regulations, violations,
and make it impossible for
me to do an effective job.
Or at the very least, I,
you know,
get a lot of Youtube hits
from recording Plague.
[ominous music]
[creepy breathing]
Oh, stupid.
[upbeat music]
Hackley, you idiot.
You wave. [laughing]
- [El Matador] So, you
waved at her?
- [Hackley] It wasn't
my best moment.
[Rival laughing]
- [El Matador] It looks
like there's a few things
that you and I need to discuss.
- [Hackley] I still
think that we need
to have a conversation
about those rules.
I really think we need to
scale 'em back,
so that we can do our
jobs and just let loose.
- [El Matador] I may have
just the thing for ya.
Come by my office after this.
So, how is our hombre
Mitre-Saw doing?
Are you learning the ropes okay?
- The past three years,
I've begun the process
of unshackling those minds bound
by their own sins
and injustices.
It is useless to teach them
this lesson without
pain and time.
I've begun work on a
man named Tobin.
He has lived his life
as a recluse.
[dramatic electronic music]
It was in Tobin's 14th year
that he first
disobeyed his father.
This falling out set the
tone of the relationship,
and a pattern of
disrespect was born.
[dramatic electronic music]
Now he sits confined by
his own preconceptions.
[head thudding against table]
If he can break
those ties in the next 14 hours,
he will live and be
better for it.
- [El Matador] Okay, okay,
Ah, is that all?
So, everyone ready to get
out there and get to work?
Thank you.
[atmospheric bass]
- [Hackley] Ah, have I
ever been in love?
Yeah, of course.
I'm a guy.
I like girls.
[atmospheric music]
You know, I don't have
the greatest dating life,
but I do go out.
I even tried the whole
online dating thing.
I don't know, no matter how
good things seemed to go,
work always seems to
get in the way.
It's hard to hold down
a relationship
when you're
contractually obligated
to kill all non-virgins.
[creepy breathing]
[ominous music]
[ax hacking flesh]
[blood spurting]
Even if I find a girl
who can't die,
things still seem to go wrong.
[atmospheric piano]
[ominous music]
[shears clicking]
I'm cursed.
[upbeat bass]
- [Rancid] He left his
computer unlocked.
[upbeat music]
Watch this.
[electronic music ringtone]
- [Hyde] Hey, Mom, what's up?
No, it's not true, slow down.
I haven't done that in years.
Would you just calm down.
Calm down, I'm gonna
call you back.
No, look, I'm gonna
call you back.
Okay, who the hell
wrote an email to my mom
saying that I was coming
out of the closet?
[Rancid laughing]
- [Rancid] Oh, oh, shit man,
hey, hey.
This is a five dollar
shirt, so just calm down.
This is a five dollar shirt!
[El Matador humming]
[shotgun firing]
- [El Matador] Hey, there,
how ya doing, big guy?
- Ah, shit.
- [El Matador] Hey,
when you have a moment,
could you come up to my office.
I've got some, ah,
some changes I'd like
[Rancid groaning]
to discuss with you.
[Rancid groaning]
- Changes?
- Oh, yeah.
See ya in a moment?
[Rancid groaning]
Keep up the good work.
[upbeat music]
Have a seat.
- [Hackley] Um, what's
up with this chair, dude?
- I changed it.
- Right.
Anyway, hey boss, I'm actually
glad you called me in here.
So, I got this bullet list
'cause I've been trying
to be more organized
like we talked about.
- [El Matador] Hold on a second.
- Right.
- Upper management
is very disappointed
with your recent snafus.
- [Hackley] Those aren't
my fault, man.
We talked about that.
- I'm not, I'm not
here to point fingers,
but they were your fault.
- [Hackley] [sighing]
So what, are you, ah,
are you handing me my pink slip?
- [El Matador] No, no, no, no,
they're very aware
about how important
Hackley is to this organization.
- [Hackley] That's right.
15 company records,
don't forget that part.
Even though I don't
have all those trophies.
- Sure, sure.
- So, if, if, if,
if you're not firing me,
what am I doing here?
- [El Matador] I put
in a request
and it's been improved,
to bring in a consultant.
- A what?
- [El Matador] A consultant.
Let me introduce you.
- Great.
- [El Matador] Adrian,
send him in.
Hackley, this is Michael Harbor.
A reboot consultant.
- [Hackley] Reboot?
- [El Matador] Companies that
have a stale product line,
bring him in to update
their products.
To reboot it.
- Hey, great to be here.
Big fan.
Listen, I know what you
guys are thinking,
people are always leery
when somebody
wants to come in and reboot
an established commodity,
believe me, I understand
those concerns,
but I wanna take those
concerns and blow them up.
We did amazing things for that
retarded kid down in Texas.
- [Hackley] Yeah, what
about Fred and Jason?
From what I understand,
they basically lost
all of their
merchandising rights
after you got done with 'em.
- [El Matador] So how
do we do it?
Do we have to--
- No, no, no, we don't
have to kill off Hackley.
We totally wanna keep the
iconic parts about him
like the mask and ax and stuff.
The parts we can market.
We just need to change
everything else
and act like it's the
same Hackley. [chuckling]
- [El Matador] So, how
do we do that?
- Come on in, big guy.
- [Hackley] What the
hell is this?
- Meet LeMarc.
Hackley 2.0.
Same iconic mask and ax.
And then we change it up.
Take away the apron.
Cut the shirt in half,
show off the abs.
Hackley was always a
bit squishy.
No offense.
We tighten that up.
Show off the guns while the
kids will be intimidated.
And then we take his backstory.
Whatever that was, I mean,
nobody really cared
about it anyway.
We blow it up, poof!
Make it today.
LeMarc was a model gone crazy.
He started killing kids
who dressed poorly.
It all ties together.
- [El Matador] Clever.
- Now that LeMarc's a model,
you don't need to hide his face.
Show 'em.
[upbeat electronic music]
Scary by day, by night, you
wanna go dancing with him.
Girls won't know whether
to pee their pants
or take 'em off.
[ominous music]
[creepy breathing]
[body banging in dumpster]
[birds chirping]
[ominous music]
- [Rancid] Hey.
- [Hackley] [chuckling]
Oh, that's hilarious.
You got turned into
a doll again.
- [Rancid] Puppet, be
a a little PC
You know, even though
it kinda sucks.
My scrawny legs.
Do you have any idea
how hard it is
to get to work when
you're a puppet?
And I have to take the bus.
Everybody looks at me.
Kids, kids pet me.
But I do get the junior fares,
so, I mean, that's okay to save
like a little bit of money.
Still, not by this look.
What are you, what are you
working so hard on over there?
- [Hackley] Well, I'm,
ah, I'm trying to crack
this chick that I've been
casing but she's clean.
I mean, I can't find a
damn thing on her.
[upbeat music]
[Hackley sighing]
- [Rancid] Somebody
needs a margarita break.
- [Hackley] Nah, I can't, man.
I gotta do my community
service at the high school.
- [Rancid] Community outreach,
They, they won't, they won't
let me do that anymore.
[ruler whacking against head]
- Listen up.
That attitude's gonna be
the end of you.
[woman screaming]
Wrong kid.
We're in here.
- [Hackley] Are you aware
that your cheerleaders
are dressed like sluts?
- Not my problem.
Hackley, this is AJ.
- Hackley?
- Hey, how ya doin'?
- Anyway, he's been having
some behavioral issues.
See if you can work some
of your magic there.
- [Hackley] Yeah, I'll do that.
Didn't I kill you already?
- This like Scared Straight?
- [Hackley] Yeah,
something like that.
They call me in and I
talk to good kids,
maybe made a couple mistakes,
done a bad thing or two,
and maybe I get to you before
you get on my list of bad kids.
At which point I have
to cut your head off.
But I'm sure that won't be you.
Anyway, ah, what can
I do for you?
- I'm having trouble at school.
It's crazy and hectic.
- Yeah.
- I just had
to blow off some steam.
- I heard you, man.
I can feel you on that one.
My life's hectic as hell.
Especially work.
Man, I just feel so unfulfilled.
It's like I'm being
held down under the man.
Under this corporate
Do you know the freedom,
the beauty,
when you pick up your ax and
you make that perfect swing
and, you know, it
connects just right,
slices right through and
the head goes flying,
making that [lips
popping] sound?
Yeah, you, I, yeah,
probably not.
Anyway, I had like four
of those at my last job,
man, and I didn't even
feel a thing.
And then there's this girl who,
I think maybe she
might be the one.
Maybe she can help me fill
this void inside of me.
- You can't base your
happiness off someone else.
They won't be here for
you when you need 'em.
- [Hackley] Yeah, and anyway,
yeah, she's, ah,
she's really cool.
I might have to kill her,
but if I don't
then maybe she and I can get
together and I don't know,
meet for sushi or coffee or,
I don't know.
Whatever you kids are
doing these days.
But anyway, yeah, this
is not about me, AJ.
I'm sorry, this about you.
So help me help you.
What's going on upstairs?
- I got detention for
having sex in school.
[ominous music]
- [Hackley] Did you say sex?
[AJ breathing heavily]
[creepy breathing]
[atmospheric guitar]
- [Rancid] No.
[water spraying]
[Asparagus gasping]
[atmospheric guitar]
- [Hackley] Like I was
telling you earlier,
we got our rules.
Company policies.
And they suck.
We spend a lot of time
putting people,
good guys and bad guys,
and we kill these
guys over here.
- Yes, an archaic
system built upon
a system of--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, look.
Nobody wants to hear you
drone on and on anymore, man,
but with that said, I do
like where you're going
with that 50 Shades
of Grey stuff.
You know what I mean?
- No, that's not what I'm--
- That's 50 Shades of Grey,
the porn.
You know what I mean.
What are you writing?
- Your lesson shall be
about your hypocrisy
about me droning on.
- [Hackley] Anyway, look,
just once,
I wanna be able to walk into
any one of these houses,
just lop off the first
chick's head that I see,
and not even think once
about whatever darkness
lurks in her heart, all of that
So I was thinking
maybe you and I
can get together, make a
proof of concept
about this all of this
gray area stuff.
- You have to be reborn
with new eyes.
- [Hackley] I have died
and been reborn
three times this week.
- You need a lesson.
Find your own truth.
Re-emerge after sacrifice
with new vision.
Those are the rules.
- [Hackley] Your rule
book is the worst.
It's like a mix of
Alice in Wonderland
and some kind of Taiwanese
mechanical manual.
Who gives you the right
to just go around
dismembering people in
the name of therapy?
- Because I know the
guy from Princess Bride.
[ominous music]
Like we're good friends.
[dramatic music]
[body thudding in dumpster]
- [Hackley] No, but it
could have been the cancer
that killed him.
[upbeat rap music]
Hey, do you remember
when you chained
your submissive to an apparatus
and then spanked him to death?
Yeah, I bet you didn't
apply rule 17 then, did you?
You're just being a
hard ass with me.
And took a big swig
- [Hackley] [sighing] Okay,
She didn't mean beer,
she meant me on the floor
Rounding first base with
my hand up her shirt
When I seen a big ole dude
seeking people to hurt
His scary ass look
He got down past
His mask alone
- [Hackley] Are you
fucking serious?
Get, get out of my way, get out.
Give me this now.
This is not funny.
Look, stop laughing.
It's not mine, it was the 80's.
It was the, look.
No one kills a party
Like that big ole
badass Hackley
- Oh.
- Oh.
- [Hackley] That was
not cool man.
You know they made me do that.
[Rival laughing]
That's right, get out, disperse.
- [Rival] So wack.
He looked left and right
for somebody to kill
Had my chances to score
But it went downhill
I was doing alright
So lie back while I
throw some rhymes
For a story we done
heard about 47 times
What's wrong with this dude
Big as a truck, got a mask
and ax and don't give a
He's a bad ass mother
He walks real slow
- [Rancid] Hey.
And has a great 'fro
- [Rancid] Hey, buddy, hey,
can we rap for a second?
I'm sorry.
What, I had to give you
shit about it, you know?
Um, religious girls, off limits?
- [Hackley] It kinda depends
on the brand of the religion.
I mean, I remember the day when
if you just wanted to
kill somebody,
I mean, you didn't even
need a reason.
If they, they could
have tripped and fallen
and you could have cut
their head off
before they hit the ground.
It was, it was a different,
a different time.
- [Rancid] Okay, but
how 'bout this, right?
What if like, what if she's
a good kind of religion,
but like I come around
and I [whistling].
Have sex with her, hmm?
[upbeat rap music]
- [El Matador] Status meeting.
I'm a really tough guy
but I cried as I hid
- [El Matador] Don't be late.
[upbeat music]
Oh, can, say can you see
Hey, hey, hey, okay, so, um,
how did, how did our
little intern do?
- [Hackley] Ah, yeah, yeah,
I just got off the
phone with HR,
and I'm gonna be honest with ya,
I don't think he's
gonna work yet.
- Kidding?
- Yeah, he's not
even scary.
He doesn't even try to be scary.
He's just depressing and gross.
- [El Matador] Yes,
Asparagus, you have something?
- Yeah, I was gonna
share my status.
- [El Matador] Oh, sure big guy.
Hey, so what's been going
on this month?
- So, ah, there's
this pretty girl
who works at a place
with a bunch of animals.
And, um, I started, ah,
watching her.
- Yeah?
- And, ah,
last night, um, I took a knife,
I broke into the store,
and I, I, I ate all
the hamsters.
All of them.
And they were scurrying,
you know,
and I jammed 'em, I put
'em [mimicking choking].
And they got stuck.
The teddy bear ones get
stuck in your throat.
One kind of crawled back out.
Ah, [mimicking chocking],
then this morning
I, I pooped 'em out but
one was missing.
I think it's my soul.
- [El Matador] So, that
brings us to you, Rival.
Um, I never thought
I'd say this,
but I am very
disappointed in you.
You didn't kill the
black guy first.
- What?
- I'm talking
with Rival right now.
I don't wanna hear
that any of you
let the black guy live any
longer than necessary, okay?
- I ate the black hamster first.
- [El Matador] Okay, now we're
on to Employee of the Month.
- [Hackley] No, no, no, no,
no, no, hold on here now.
Look, of all of the
backwards and stupid rules.
I cannot believe that you're
going to promote this one.
- [El Matador] It's been
around for years.
What's it to you?
- [Hackley] I'm black,
you idiot.
- [El Matador] Really?
- [Hackley] I have put up with
far too much of this already
and I refuse to take
anymore of it.
This whole thing is pure,
concentrated stupidity.
- [El Matador] Yeah.
[clearing throat]
Okay, without further ado,
Employee of the Month
goes to Asparagus.
- Oh, oh!
- For his, ah,
his hamster genocide.
- [laughing] I did it, I did.
Thank you, thank you for
believing in me when other
didn't believe.
- Okay, okay.
[Asparagus gasping]
- Oh, and I got, I
regurgitated one for you
'cause I know you, thank you.
Thank you!
- [El Matador] Oh, shit.
Oh, do something with that.
- Who wants to go to Bennigan's?
[dramatic music]
[box thudding in dumpster]
[birds chirping]
- [Hackley] It's been a
good four months
since I've come across a person
that has even a modicum
of common sense.
And maybe it's just me.
Maybe it's me.
Maybe everyone else is with it,
and I'm the one who's
cracking up.
But it feels like
I've lost a grasp
on anything and everything
that held any interest for me.
Oh, shit, it's her.
Maybe she's it.
I haven't been able to
get her out of my mind.
She's going to a
comic book store.
I don't know how anyone
could ever think
a pretty, smart girl like that
could ever be a potential
victim of ours.
Maybe the feelings
I've had for her,
the inability to get her
out of my mind
is not a desire to
kill but love.
What's she doing?
What is that?
Ah, here she comes.
Holy shit.
She's got hentai manga porn.
Oh, perv!
She's a perv, I get to kill her.
[atmospheric guitar]
- Hello?
Oh, my god, there's two of me!
The machine stole my soul!
[body thudding on flour]
- I did it.
- Did what?
- [Hackley] I figured her out,
I figured out the girl.
She's a perv and I'm
talking big perv.
Like freakie deakie, you
know what I'm saying?
She's ripe for the kill.
- [El Matador] Well,
what'd she do?
- [Hackley] [chuckling] Well,
have a look for yourself.
- Hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
- Yep.
- [El Matador] I'm
gonna need to keep this.
You know, for company,
ah, company reference.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, company reference, right,
- [El Matador] Oh, Hackley,
this is a landmark kill
for our company.
Ah, I'll write you the
press release.
- [Hackley] I agree,
and that's why
I'm gonna do one of my
special, trademark kills.
Get this, I'm gonna wait until
she gets out of the shower,
right, and then--
- Whoa.
You don't get to make the kill.
- Why not?
- This kill
is very important to
our organization
and upper management
- Oh, come on.
- [El Matador] is disappointed
with all your recent results.
- [Hackley] Look, I've
done all of the leg work.
Why did you have me out there,
sitting outside, casing
the joint for hours?
I spent so much time on this.
I put my heart and soul into it.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, god.
So who, who are you gonna send?
No, you.
You are a jerk.
A rude, rude, jerk.
- [Rival] Not my fault
you ain't cutting it
around here anymore.
- [Hackley] Now what kind
of a sad, sorry, pathetic
little man has to
run to his boss
to lobby to take someone's kill?
- [Rival] I just did that
to piss you off.
- What?
- What?
I couldn't even care less.
- Hey,
leftovers in the break room.
[upbeat music]
- [Hackley] I'm just
telling you, man,
you better watch your back
'cause you so much as slip,
and I'll be there.
- [Rival] Not with this
company you won't.
- [Hackley] Now what's
that suppose to mean?
- [Rival] Man, you
are on program.
You have not hit your quota.
I heard El Canadian the
other day say
that if you don't hit
your quota this week,
you're outta here.
That's exactly it, that's.
Show me a little, a
little more sad though.
Like, like cry for the camera.
Like really, really--
- Is that mine?
- And you know, so.
Yeah, this is totally yours,
I snagged it while you
were stuffing your face
in the break room.
- Give me that.
- [Rival] No, man this is gold.
This is exactly what I was,
No, hey.
[Grizzle yodeling]
- [Hackley] Hey, give me, no,
Give me my blog.
- Grizzle, Grizzle.
- Give me my blog.
- Back, right back.
Right back.
Right back, over here.
[Grizzle yodeling]
Come on, hey, what, what
are you doing?
- Really?
[Grizzle yodeling]
Goddamn horse.
- [Rival] You know what?
I want you to have that.
Think about it tomorrow
when I'm taking your girl.
I'm done, I got stuff to do.
Some of us around here
are closers, you know?
[ominous music]
- Rough day?
- Yeah, man.
Rival, he's being a douche.
- [Rancid] Gah.
No, I'm sick of this.
- He hurt my feelings, man.
- No, this little pity party
stuff, man?
- [Hackley] No, he, he, took,
he says he's gonna
take Danielle.
The girl I worked so
hard to kill.
She's mine.
- So, so he said he's going
to kill her tomorrow night,
- Yeah, I guess.
- And you need
one more to kill to keep
your job, right?
- Mm.
- Yeah, so you kill
her tonight.
- I can't man.
- Ah.
- Boss gave it to Rival.
- [mimicking fart] I thought
that you was the
legendary Hackley,
who holds the company record
of 174 kills since 1980?
- [Hackley] Well, it's a 196,
but some of 'em were Mom's.
- Okay, and, and, what happened
when that, when that
telekinetic tried
to do battle with you, huh?
- [Hackley] I pulled
out her eye.
It turns out that
that's the source
of her telekinetic power.
- Mm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And when, and when, and when
they shot you into orbit,
what happens at the entire
fucking space station, huh, guy?
- [Hackley] On that one,
I, I rerouted the power
from life support
into the engine.
- Alright.
Now that doesn't
sound like someone
who would let some sorry
little suck ass
do his last kill, does it?
- I overloaded the
dilithium chamber,
no, you're right.
- No!
Now honestly, between
you and me, guy, let me,
you've been a real
fucking pussy, okay?
- Hey.
- But you have.
And you know why?
Do you know why?
Because you haven't had your
signature kill in a long time.
Now you get your ass out there.
And you show this whole
fucking company
what a real badass can do, huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- That's right.
- Yeah, you're right.
- [Rancid] I know, okay.
- Hit me again.
- Yes.
- Boom, yeah.
- Alright.
- Thanks man, I appreciate it.
- Okay.
- Exactly.
- That's right.
- Only, hmm, check this out.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Is this the video?
- That's the one.
- Is it cued up?
- Mm-hmm, it's good to go.
- Alright, man awesome.
Hey, yeah!
- Don't do anything
- Alright, now.
- I wouldn't do.
[shower curtain clacking]
[water spraying]
[ominous music]
[creepy breathing]
[creepy breathing]
[dramatic music]
[Danielle screaming]
[body thudding on floor]
[Rancid grunting]
[bluegrass music ringtone]
- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.
You busy?
- No, no,
I, I can, I can talk.
So, ah, so how did it
go with the,
the sheriff's daughter
- Not good.
- Oh, no.
Don't, don't tell me
she had a gun.
You got shot again, didn't you?
- No, she died.
- Ah, well that's,
that's kind of the point,
and breaking into a house and,
and hitting her in the
head with an ax.
Now isn't it?
- [Hackley] I didn't even
do anything and she died.
- Come again?
- She got in the shower,
I snuck in, caught a
little side boob action,
you know what I'm saying?
- Oh, nice.
- [Hackley] Anyway, I did my
thing, snuck up behind her,
I had the ax up and ready,
she screams and then she
just falls over.
And she'd dead.
I literally scared
her to death.
[water spraying]
- Wow.
- I know.
- [Rancid] So what, was it like
a heart attack or something?
- [Hackley] How exactly am
I supposed to diagnose that?
I need some ideas on
how to fix this.
[dryer door clanking]
What are you doing?
- Okay, so,
[dryer whirring]
so I'm putting the
wife's head in the dryer
so that the husband will
find it, right?
But it's not thumping.
It's too squishy.
He's never going to hear it.
- [Hackley] You didn't
wash it first, did you?
- [Rancid] It was too bloody.
There was no way he was
going to recognize it.
What about one of these
dryer sheets?
- [Hackley] Ah, no,
that won't help.
- [Rancid] Well what
should I do?
- [Hackley] Can we concentrate
on my real problem?
I have no clue what to do.
I have to get this kill
or it's my ass for sure.
- [Rancid] Hey, well maybe,
you know it's,
it's kind of cool.
It's like, you know you,
you scared her to death.
Like that would look
really good on a resume.
- [Hackley] See, I
thought of that,
but how do I
substantiate anything?
I mean, I have to say that
I scared her to death,
and then it would come out
she was like a diabetic
and didn't take her insulin.
And how would that look really?
- [Rancid] You can just
still hit her in the head
with the ax, you know?
- [Hackley] Oh, come on,
you know
it doesn't work like that.
Everybody would find out.
Can you imagine the
newspaper headline?
Hackley too scared to
kill living people.
- [Rancid] Okay, how 'bout this?
Why don't you then, um,
I don't know,
let's like, let's prop
her against the wall
and then you take a swing,
you know?
- [Hackley] Yeah, okay, alright,
Good idea, hold on, I'm
gonna put the phone down.
[upbeat piano music]
[Hackley grunting]
[Hackley grunting]
I feel silly.
- [Rancid] Oh really,
well I'm the one
feeding a disembodied
head cookies
so that it'll thump better.
- [Hackley] This just
pisses me off.
One kill shy of quota.
I'm gonna lose my job
because of one stupid kill.
Someone as hot as her,
there's no way
I would not get employee of
the month for a proper kill.
- Really, that hot, huh?
[dryer door clanking]
- [Hackley] You
remember that waitress
you did a few weeks ago?
- Oh, best tits ever.
[dryer whirring]
[laughing] Those were
some headlines.
The things I did to her.
- [Hackley] Yeah, imagine
her but better.
- [Rancid] Don't tease
me with her titties.
- [Hackley] If you can come
help me figure this out,
you can see for yourself.
- [Rancid] Sure, I'll be
there in five.
[ominous music]
[creepy breathing]
[dramatic music]
- [Hackley] Asshole.
[ax hacking flesh]
[blood spurting]
[ominous music]
[footsteps thudding]
Hey, boss.
- Hey, there, Hackley.
[footsteps thudding]
That's good.
Hackley, this is Black
Death from human resources.
He's here to document everything
that I'm about to say to ya.
I'm afraid that due to your
recent performance issues,
we're gonna have to let ya go.
- [Hackley] No, no.
No, look, I made quota,
and I killed Danielle, right?
And then Rancid and
that counts for double,
so that's three.
- [El Matador] The Rancid
kill doesn't count.
- [Hackley] What are you
talking about?
It's, it's in the manual.
It clearly states if you
kill any other major killer,
it counts double.
- [El Matador] Unless the
other killer is from RKS
or any of the subsidiaries.
It's a new change to the
Clash of the Titans rule.
I told you there was some
important stuff in here
that I needed you to look at.
And the Danielle kill?
That doesn't count either.
She doesn't have a
scratch on her.
The autopsy hasn't
come back yet,
but our company's not
getting credit for the kill.
It's a real shame, Hackley.
- [Hackley] A real shame?
A real shame?
You're a real shame.
- What?
- I'm sick of you.
- [El Matador] Why? What?
That's not very nice
of you to say.
Hey, Hackley, I need your
attention here.
Hey, Hackley.
This needs to be done right.
The policy's very
strict about it.
I need to keep this legal.
Look at me.
- [Hackley] Why don't
you make a policy
that lets me kill
this ass clown?
- [Rival] I called the media.
They can't wait to see
the great Hackley get fired.
- [Hackley] Yeah, you know what?
Fuck you.
- [El Matador] Hackley,
this is very inappropriate.
- Fuck you, too.
- Well, hey now.
[upbeat rap music]
I'll be heading out now
if you please.
Then I thought, damn
- [Hackley] You don't scare me.
So up to the house
- Hackley?
- You watch yourself.
I'm through with you,
and I'm through with
this whole place.
- [El Matador] Wait a minute,
We're not done here.
He, he didn't let me finish.
He didn't let me finish.
Write that down.
Thank you.
And all the dead sluts
Even saw a mean girl
- [El Matador] Have
you had lunch?
[dramatic piano]
- [Hackley] Revenge.
It's played so heavily
into my origin.
Before, revenge was just
an ax to the face
for some bitch who
killed my sister.
This is different.
This is turning their
world upside down
This is humiliation.
This is Sparta.
Oh, god.
I can't believe I said that.
But I as I drove around,
the weight of what just
happened turned.
I could do whatever,
and I wanted to ax up a
whole shit ton
of people at RKS.
I lost my resurrection
rights when I got canned.
So I needed to overcome that.
And I thought of no better
way to do that,
then with their rules.
[ominous music]
It's me.
I got a job for ya.
You know any good T-shirt shops?
[dramatic music]
[creepy breathing]
[creepy breathing]
- Is it true that you
got fired today?
- They're in the basement.
Come on.
[group cheering]
[footsteps tapping]
[dramatic music]
[sticks thudding on body]
[ominous music]
- [Hyde] Ah, no, no,
not that rule.
[bat thudding against body]
[Hyde groaning]
[woman grunting]
[bones cracking]
[dramatic music]
[hammer clanking on floor]
[upbeat music]
[ominous music]
[shears clicking]
- [Plague] Oh, yeah,
yeah, I found my thing.
I found my thing, uh-huh,
mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah.
[clippers hacking into flesh]
[Plague groaning]
[body thudding on floor]
- Ah, man.
- [Man] They're naked
when the resurrect.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
[Grizzle yodeling]
[upbeat music]
[tires screeching]
[body thudding]
[Grizzle yodeling]
[dramatic music]
[Rancid choking]
[ominous music]
- [Reporter] Anything
to do with this?
- [Hackley] I'll tell
ya what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna go into this place,
and I'm hack the [beeping]
out of these mother [beeping].
And when I come back out,
you and I are gonna
go get tacos.
[ominous music]
[creepy breathing]
[creepy breathing]
[creepy breathing]
[creepy breathing]
[skull cracking]
[Rival groaning]
[blood spurting]
[creepy breathing]
[ominous music]
[El Matador gasping]
- [El Matador] [gasping]
Hey, no, look, stop.
You are not allowed to run.
- [Hackley] Hmm, I don't
work for you anymore.
[El Matador gasping]
[ominous music]
[creepy breathing]
[El Matador whimpering]
[creepy breathing]
[dramatic music]
- [El Matador] Don't do it
you hose beast. [yelping]
[blood spurting]
- [Woman] So, what can WD
Venture Capitalists do for you?
- [Hackley] Well, I'm
actually looking
to get out of the serial
killing business.
- That's a shame.
- [Hackley] I've
actually got an idea
that I think will create steady
revenue within six months.
I call it Other People's Pizza.
Oh, Other People's Pizza.
Let's say that you're a
pepperoni person.
Your wife's a vegetarian.
You could like go halfsies,
but she might get some
pepperoni on her side,
or even worse, you might get
some spinach on your side
Nobody, nobody but a
vegetarian would do that.
What we do, is we bring
you out a box
with four mini pizzas.
One could be pepperoni,
one could be,
you know, the vegetarian,
one could be, ah,
barbecue chicken.
- Do you have any
profit projections?
- Ah, yeah, I do.
It's right here.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
- Mm.
- [Warren] This is impressive.
- Yeah, but it's
missing something.
- Mm.
- It's not capitalizing
on our greatest asset.
- [Hackley] Missing something.
I'm afraid I'm not, ah--
- You.
You're you.
- [Hackley] Ah, yeah, I'm not.
- I'm with Warren.
I think we need to go
a different direction.
Hackley's Pizza.
- Oh, yeah.
- Blood Pizza.
- Oh, Killer Pizza.
- Nailed it.
- [Hackley] No, no, no,
no, I'm trying to get out
of the whole killer thing.
- What if we put a
little plastic ax
in the kid's meals?
A real ax?
- Of course.
And a promo, every 10th
customer gets killed.
- Yes, yes, and yes.
[dramatic music]
[body thudding in dumpster]
[birds chirping]
[upbeat rap music]
Now sit right back
And I'll throw some rhymes
For a story we done
heard about 47 times
You heard of this dude
Big as a truck
Got a mask and ax and
don't give a
He's a badass mother
That walks real slow
Keeps his head on a swivel
And has a great 'fro
Don't quite know what
he's looking for exactly
That don't matter when
you run into Hackley
It was a Friday night
And I was looking alright
Got to meet up with my
girlie for a hell of a night
We pulled up to the house
I walked in
Shouted to the crowd,
let the party begin
This party was dope
with more than 15 kegs
My eyes caught 50
ladies and 150 legs
Having a good time like
you know the dude does
But a scary old noise
went and killed my buzz
Had a thought, I know
I shouldn't employ
But I went and
checked it out
Like a ghetto Hardy boy
I didn't see nothing
The coast was clear
Plus my girlie bended over
And I saw her rear
I thought nothing of it
And rejoined the shindig
Grabbed us two more beers
And took a big swig
My chick looked at me
Like she wanted some more
But she didn't mean beer
She wanted me on the floor
Rounded first base with
my hand up her shirt
When I seen a big ole dude
seeking people to hurt
His scary ass look, he
got down pat
His mask alone made
all the beer go flat
He's a pretty bad
party guest
That doesn't ever speak
Why's he even here
I thought they killed
that fool last week
I was shaking in my boots
And my voice was
getting crackly
No one kills a party like
the big ole badass Hackley
He looked left and right
For somebody to kill
And my chances to score
quickly went downhill
I was feeling alright
Though it's safe in the back
But he locked his eyes on me
At the rear of the pack
He stomped his way to
the middle of the crowd
Right by dudes
looking scared
And girlies yelling loud
A determined dude walked
right past the jocks
Past the nerds, the druggies,
and a girl in sexy socks
I was confused, I had a
thousand why's
Then the facts hit me,
the black guy always dies
So I dropped my girlie
And ran for the shed
Ran a 4:2 40 yelling
chivalry is dead
Out in the yard I caught
Hackley with my eye
I yelled to the fool,
no autographs, goodbye
Turned my head and
burned out like The Flash
That lug couldn't catch me
With my Carl Lewis dash
But sure enough, I was wrong
Turned my head around
and ran into King Kong
I shook my head, you
gots to be kidding
Raised up his ax for
a damn good beatin'
But you know Sugar
Duke is smarter indeed
I pointed and screamed,
that chick's doing weed
He turned his head,
looking to kill
Gotta go, Hack,
you're acting ill
The same song
A real tough guy
But I cried as I hid,
I ain't gonna lie
He gave up on me as he
looked for more prey
This chick shouted, help us
I said no way
I'll be heading out now
if you please
Then I thought, damn,
Where are my keys
So up to the house for
one more thrill
And not get my kicks in
some random blood spill
I snuck back in to
discover quite a sight
Hack was over there
killing my boy Dwight
Ah, man
Hacking and slashing
And bashing the fool
Damn, the gun, I have
to clean that pool
Saw the dead stoners
and all the dead sluts
Even saw a mean girl
with a thousand cuts
He slaughtered everybody
with lots of flair
I tripped over body
parts everywhere
I seein', oh that's
gonna leave a scar
Where the hell my keys
Oh, there they are
Thanks for the invite
I had a fabulous time
If Hackley comes again
I'll regretfully decline
But then cheers and
rumble of joy
And from the woods comes
a virgin girl and boy
They yelled, we killed him
He ain't alive
I said, he'll be back
in Hackley Part Five
[ominous music]
[heart beating]