Bachelor in Paradise (1961) Movie Script

When she sighs and her baby-blue
eyes embrace your face
Lies, all lies
What the lady wants
Is your closet space.
Bachelor in Paradise,
be careful
Bachelor in Paradise,
Lights down low
Frankie's records
And cocktails on the floor
You should know
It's the garden of
Eden seen once more.
Adam, come on,
be smart
Just take your fig leaf
and depart
And leave one bachelor
less in Paradise.
These days,
as you may have noticed,
many a motion picture
opens, with a scene
which rightly belongs
somewhere in the middle of the story.
But this time we have a novel.
This picture opens
where the story begins.
Somewhere in the
south of France.
Pardonnez-moi, madame.
Chapter seven:
The French women.
The mature French woman
has elevated the physical act of kissing
to artistic level unattained by
any other society.
Kissing an experienced
French woman
provides the average male with
a sensation that compares favourably with...
with a...
Pardonnez-moi, Mr. Niles.
A transatlantic call
for you, from your publisher?
I'll take it up
right there.
Oh, Austin?
I thought I never get you on the phone.
I had you paged the all over France.
Do you realise I've been
up all night trying to get you?
And all I could get from the operators
is that you... you're out...
or your line is engaged,
whatever that is...
It's noon over here, and I haven't
even had any breakfast, yet.
Dear lad, how are you?
Oh, hard at work.
I'm up to chapter seven,
on How the French Live.
How's it coming?
Ah, fine. I'm two weeks ahead on the research
and four months behind on a writing.
I'm afraid you'll
have to interrupt it, Adam.
And fly back here
on the next jet.
What? Why?
Because of the demands
of the United States Government.
Very large
domestic organization.
Oh yes. I used to get my mail from them.
Is anything wrong?
Wrong! You are in deep
and serious difficulties, Adam.
If to be euphemistic about it.
I'll see you in Washington
tomorrow afternoon.
Tomorrow? But I'm in
the middle of the book. I just can't...
You are in the middle
of a tornado, Adam.
And it's lively
destroy you completely.
Now climb on that
next jet out of Paris,
and don't speak to a soul.
Mind you, no publicity.
Yes, but Austin,
it's not that...
In fact, if anybody ask you,
deny that you are A. J. Niles.
Use an alias.
Your mother's maiden name.
Or was Niles
Your mother's maiden name?
Your innuendo is offensive!
What innuendo? Uncle Sam has
been calling you on for days!
629,470 dollars?
That's according
to our present calculations.
It may be more.
But it can't be more.
I didn't earn that much.
Even a government can't
take over a hundred percent.
Dear lad, they subpoenaed me,
I had to give them the figures.
Mr. Niles, you've been out of the
country for fourteen years,
you wrote dozen books
which rose to total off
1 million, 214 thousands,
704 dollars, 63 cents.
But what about my expenses?
- We have no record of any expenses.
I sent them all to my
business manager, every month!
I've explained all that
to this gentleman, Adam.
But matter of fact you are
responsible for the actions
of your business
manager, Mr. Niles.
Well doesn't anyone have
any idea where he run of to?
Vanish like a puff of smoke.
I just can't believe that
Herman Wappinger is dishonest.
That man wears piping in his vest.
In all the years, Mr. Niles,
Mr. Wappinger has been
handling your affairs,
he never once had filed
an income tax return for you.
And we are
most sympathetic Mr. Niles,
but this is a clear case of fraud.
All my life's earning
is down the drain
just because I was stupid enough to get
Herman Wappinger my power of attorney.
I'm not only a criminal,
I'm also a popper.
You haven't a dime, Adam.
The department has
attached everything,
all your royalties
as they come in.
We had to, Mr. Niles.
That's the law.
Yeah, I know that law,
it's called instant poverty.
You might as well put me in
jail, at least I'll be able to eat.
That won't be necessary,
under the circumstances.
Mr. Palfrey has offered to put up
a surety bond.
Oh thanks, Austin.
Then I'm free to leave?
You're free to leave this office,
but not this country.
214 thousands, 704 dollars and...
63 cents.
I'm an american citizen.
They can't force me
to stay in this country.
Yes, they can, dear boy.
Until you pay back
those $624,000,
or until Herman Wappinger's conscience
forces him to materialize.
Right now Herman is probably on
a yacht with four beautiful gals.
Livin' it up!
I hope he's taking notes.
In the meantime, what do I do?
- You could go to work.
I could go back to Cleveland,
get my old job at a sports desk,
$62.50 a week and free
passes for the dog show.
No. I have an idea for you.
Your next book.
What next book? I ain't
finished researching my last one.
Then you can start researching your
next one immediately.
"How the Americans Live."
You're joking.
- I'm not joking at all, old boy.
A Niles-eye view of America
might be absolutely sensational.
It could be the biggest
seller you had yet.
And if it's anything like your others,
half of the people
of America will buy it,
just to see what they've missed.
Plus the other half will buy it
to see what you've missed.
You've got to do it, Adam!
But how?
How am I going to live?
I'll subsidise you.
Your rent,
and 75 dollars a week.
75 dollars?
Look, don't go over budget
just to save a human life.
85, and not a penny more.
You can eat oatmeal instead of caviar.
Yeah, but it tastes
terrible with champagne.
I'll need a secretary.
- One ugly secretary.
One that can type, huh?
One more thing...
this is America.
Not Europe. Our attitude
towards our women is different.
Sex hasn't gone out, has it?
- No, of course not.
I'd heard it'd been
replaced by television.
As long as you're here,
no experiments with women.
How am I gonna research
without experiments?
Strictly by observation,
dear boy.
If you get involved,
no more allowance.
I'm in trouble enough. I guess
I could hide up at a place like bucks county.
No good.
Not typical.
Nowadays, the average American
lives in a planned community...
a housing development.
You mean one of those
tract things where they
tear down the old slums
and put up new slums?
Oh, they're more
appealing than that.
Take, for example,
Paradise Village.
Paradise Village?
- Yeah!
Sounds revolting.
It's a modern community
in the San Fernando Valley.
Who lives there...
I don't hear, dear boy.
Fortunes have been made in such
community as Paradise Village.
I've even invested a little myself.
And with the population
growth in California,
it forms a cross-section
of the entire country.
I've arranged for a house
for you there.
Under an alias, of course.
And you expect me to
live there? - Mm-hmm.
Well, I...
better get my distemper shots.
You better wait for me.
My name is Adams.
Jack Adams.
Oh yes, Mr. Adams.
We've been expecting you.
My cab driver didn't know
how to get to Paradise.
He's an atheist.
- Ha, ha! Come right this way.
Mr. Adams is here.
How do you do,
Mr. Adams?
I'm Rosemary Howard.
You are? Well,
what a pleasant surprise.
Oh? What were you expecting?
Well, frankly, nothing.
Your house is all ready for you.
Won't you sit down?
Palfrey said that you weren't sure
how long you'd be here,
so I drew up a simple lease, month-to-month,
if that's all right?
That'll be fine.
- It's a standard form.
Don't you want wait, until
you see the house first?
It'll be adequate.
- You're sure?
It's the only one,
isn't it?
Oh yes, we don't rent in
Paradise as a rule,
but we hope you'll love it so much
that you want to buy here.
If you're selling,
I'll buy.
We've arranged for a rental car to be
delivered to the house tomorrow,
but I can take you over there
now if you like. - I'd love.
Let me pay off the cab
and get my bags.
Mr. Adams, has arrived!
Welcome to Paradise, Adams!
Mr. Adams,
this is Mr. Jynson...
developer and president
of the tract.
Well, you're a friend of
Austin Palfrey's, huh?
It's a pleasure
to have you aboard.
You will find this
truly is Paradise.
Schools, churches,
country club,
playground, pool,
shopping centre.
As we say, a family can live
a full and happy life in Paradise
and never leave the village.
But they're allowed to,
aren't they?
Oh, of course, they're allowed to,
you and your family...
I don't have a family.
No family?
Mr. Adams is a bachelor?
Well, don't worry.
It's not catching.
I know,
but a bachelor in Paradise...
you'll be the only one.
That sounds like fun.
I better pay
my cab driver.
I'd hate to put him
in a higher bracket.
Does your mother know
you're reading this trash?
I'm eighteen.
Rosemary, may I see you
a minute, please?
Would you show Mr. Adams
to my car, please?
A latin student, huh?
I'm not sure this is
a good thing, not sure at all.
He's a bachelor,
and it's a family community.
I'm a bachelor, too.
I've lived here for quite some time...
You're a woman.
That's different.
Why? I understand it takes
a member of each sex.
You're a special case.
You're steering away from men...
and I do wish you'd
get over that, Rosemary.
We were discussing Mr. Adams.
When it comes to personal matters,
I suggest you concern yourself
more with your own domestic problems.
I did not appreciate
that remark.
Well, I'm sorry, but if you weren't so suspicious
of every Tom, Dick, and Harry,
you and Dolores...
- Never mind Dolores.
Whose house did you
get for Adams, huh?
You rented him
your house? - Mm-hmm.
I moved in with
old Mrs. Curtis.
She needed someone
to care for her, anyway.
Why don't you think
of yourself for a change?
A girl like you
could have...
anything she wanted...
if she just...
If she be sweet and charming,
or just obliging to a man?
Just because you have one
unhappy experience...
Listen, one is all I needed.
I'm strictly on my own, Tom,
and I intend to stay that way.
Now if you'll excuse me,
Mr. Adams is waiting.
You're much more attractive than
my last cab driver, Miss Howard.
Thank you,
but it's Miss Howard.
Don't they harvest
the crops around here?
Well, you're a bachelor.
That's intentional...
I mean, anytime...
Oh, I know what you mean,
but you may be even more amazed
to learn that some women
remain single intentionally.
I as one confirmed bachelor to another,
I think we'll hit it off.
When I left, if a man wanted a house,
he built one... that was that.
You must have been
away a long time.
What's all that up there?
That's Paradise Hills, a new
development Mr. Jynson's started,
but he had to
stop work on it for a while.
The minute I met him,
I said to myself...
Now here is a man
with an arrested development.
T. Jynson is a very
intelligent businessman.
What's holding up
Paradise Hills?
Well, it's a personal matter,
but only temporary.
You intend do your work
in the valley or downtown?
At home.
Which reminds me,
I'll need a secretary for some typing.
Anybody in the neighbourhood?
- Oh, I'm afraid not.
I'll inquire around,
but most women in Paradise
have husbands and children.
A lot of families
get started that way.
It would be pink.
- That's not pink.
That's california coral.
Who thinks up all the names
for colours in this country...
Tennessee Williams?
Just like that...
no key?
Oh, there is, but nobody has
to lock a house in Paradise.
Hey, it's very attractive.
Even the termites
seem to like it.
That's pecky cypress,
and it's quite the rage.
It's very charming.
What do you call this style...
Early Disneyland?
By sliding these open,
you can bring the outdoors in.
Bugs and all.
This is your TV.
And here's the bar.
- Hmm.
The last tenants must have been
real drunks. There's not a drop left.
There are two bedrooms,
but only one is furnished.
One is all a bachelor needs
if he works it right.
Painter couldn't make up
his mind, huh?
What's this...
a runway for the mice?
If you're so disenchanted
with the house Mr. Adams,
I'll be happy to
tear up the lease.
Oh, no.
Don't do that.
It's not a bad
little cracker box, at all.
100 Million Americans would love
to live in this cracker box.
That would make it
crowded, wouldn't?
There anything else
I can show you?
No, just let me stumble
around for myself
and enjoy
the thrill of discovery.
I suppose you have a kitchen,
room closet...
Oh, all the comforts.
Even indoor plumbing.
I hate those long walks.
Good afternoon, Mr. Adams.
- Wait. My luggage?
What was that?
- The school bus.
Sounds like one
of the kids is driving.
What do you say we break out of here tonight,
and let me take you to dinner?
Thank you, but
I have a business appointment.
What about tomorrow night?
Lonely bachelors should stick together,
don't you think?
Definitely, and if I find one
I think you'd like...
I'll let you know, Mr. Adams.
Hi. Who are you?
I'm Mr. Adams.
I'm moving in here.
I'm Peter. I live
down there. - Down where?
I won't tell you. I'm not supposed
to talk to strangers.
Is he a stranger?
- Sure.
This is my sister...
Mrs. MacIntyre.
Mrs. MacIntyre?
Well, ma'am, how do you do?
How do I do what?
It's just not
my day for women.
He sure is a stranger.
Come on.
Oh, for Pete's sake!
Ohh! You scared me.
Who are you?
I'm Jack Adams.
I don't know you come with the house?
Are you friend of Rosemary?
- Not yet.
Then what are you doing
in her house?
This's Rosemary
Howard's house? - Sure.
Didn't you know?
- No, but I wish I had.
She's renting this place to me,
but she didn't tell me that.
Oh! Now that you mention it,
she did say that.
Hi. I'm Linda Delavane,
your next-door neighbour.
Hi! - I came in to
grind my garbage.
What's matter with
your own garbage grinder?
Oh, we don't have one.
See, you get your choice of
garbage disposer or dishwasher.
So we choose a dishwasher,
because the disposer was a little extra,
and Larry didn't feel we ought to
obligate ourselves too heavily.
- My husband.
Don't tell me you're married?
Better be...
I've got two children.
Larry's a senior
inertial control systems analyst...
very important position.
Yes, especially if you want
your inertial control system analyzed.
Yeah... - You're southern,
aren't you?
Savannah, Georgia!
- Shoo!
But I met Larry at school at Michigan,
I was on scholarship.
Oh! Romance languages.
I was going to teach,
but we got married
the day we graduated.
Then Stevie came along,
and then Dougie,
and now I'm settled down here
in Paradise Village as a hausfrau.
You're a living
soap opera.
Don't you like it here?
For the children
it's marvellous,
but there's so little
cultural stimulation,
and I'm sure the good Lord didn't intend
for me to use my Phi Beta Kappa key
to punch holes on top of
a grated cheese can.
What are you doing there?
I'm trying to loosen this, so it'll start again.
Rosemary showed me
how to do it.
She's terrible sweet person.
When theirs gets stuck, she takes
in garbage from the whole neighbourhood.
Nice of her to find the
location like this for me...
right in the middle of things.
How can I help you?
Now, hold it firm and
try to move it around. That's it!
Sort of like stirring
the fudge, isn't it?
Hold it!
You got it on high?
- Wait!
They get kind of vicious when they haven't
been fed for a while, don't they?
Hello, men!
- You broke my drum! shouldn't leave
it here lying, anyway.
Let's turn this down!
- Whew!
David Douglas Delavane!
Hey, who put your cage on?
- Mommy did.
He started eat
a bottle of nail polish.
He did?
Are you little billy goat, you?
Stevie, take his gloves off and
let's get him mammy for dinner. Linda?
I'm home!
- I'm here, honey.
Y... your birthday?
- Hmm-mm.
Our anniversary?
- No.
My birthday? - No, it's our new
neighbour's idea, Mr. Adams.
He rented Rosemary's house.
- Yeah?
He says a man likes to come home
and see his wife in a pretty frock.
All fresh, with her hair combed.
- Know something? He's right.
You'd like him.
He's quite nice-looking,
kind of cute, very mysterious.
And speaks french.
What's so mysterious
about speaking french?
You've got a husband and two
sons to feed, baby. Let's eat!
In a while, give me 10 minutes.
- Ten minutes?
I guess I just sort of
lost track of time.
Jack and I got to chatting.
I was transported to
all sorts of romantic places.
Forgot all about
dirty dishes and diapers.
So that's the equation, is it?
Mr. Adams equals mystery and romance.
Mr. Delavane equals
diapers and dishes. - Larry!
Some stranger moves in,
starts filling' my wife with a lot of talk
about romantic places, and changing
your clothes, and speaking french.
I never did
trust that language.
Larry, don't be so sensitive.
Are you jealous?
- Me? Jealous?
But there are some
jealous husbands around here,
and if your Mr. Adams starts
transporting their wives,
there's gonna be more trouble in Paradise
than Eve started with that apple!
Say, would you please send a cab to
22931 Katherina street?
Right away.
Thank you.
Are you in a hurry,
Miss Howard? Yes, I...
have an appointment
at eight o'clock, but I...
Just bring me a hamburger and
coffee to go, Thelma. - O.K.
I can't tell you when
I'll be free for the next call.
I don't know
how fast this nut eats.
- Yeah.
Well, guys and gals, if that didn't
get you out of bed, you're dead.
How the Americans Live,
chapter one.
The din dawns with the day.
Throughout most of
the civilized world,
the new day is born
in a silence so profound,
one can imagine he hears
the morning glory open its petals
to greet the rising sun.
Hour-conscious, minute-counting,
time-saving America...
is blasted from sleep
by the explosive screams of
the alarm clock radio,
which may largely explain
the frenetic pace
that jangles the nation's
nerves throughout the day.
Timed to the split second,
an entire community...
prepares for the day in a seemingly
well-regulated schedule that...
first dispatches
the adult males...
into the aorta of the
city's traffic system...
those marvels of engineering
called freeways...
that have contributed so much
to american progress.
The next major movement of which
the objective observer is aware...
comes after an interval
during which the adult females...
have attended their
basic household chores.
They're emerge to run errands, walk dogs,
stroll babies,
borrow, lend,
exchange, and discuss.
And during the period
from sunup till sundown,
the typical american community
is completely matriarchal,
dominated entirely by females...
a no man's land more
foreboding than ancient Scythia,
home of the Amazon.
Hi, stranger. - Well, Mrs. McIntyre,
why aren't you in school?
I had to stay home today.
My husband is sick.
Oh, that's too bad.
What's the matter?
I think he's pregnant.
Go this way, stranger.
What you gonna buy, stranger?
Lots of things.
- Then you better get a wagon.
Sissy, I thought I told you
to wait in the car.
I have to
help the stranger.
You're Mr. Adams,
the new gentleman.
I'm Bertha Pickering,
Sissy's mother.
I hope she isn't
too much of a bother?
Not at all. She can help
if you don't object.
Well, mind you
behave now, Sissy.
Pardon me.
Aha! I was just about to
call the auto club.
I'll be in fresh vegetables.
- Stranger, what will you buy?
Well, let's start with coffee.
Where's that?
Down this way.
Can I have one?
Oh, sure.
Be my guest.
No. no. Not from the bottom.
No... no.
Can I have
some for my husband?
Yeah. But let me
get it for you, honey.
Floor man,
accident on aisle 14.
Big brother is watching you.
He did it!
Where do you get eggs?
- From chickens!
Eggs are this way.
Yes, but you, you help the nice man
put the cans together, huh?
Here. That's for
her husband.
Are there any more
small broilers?
Sorry, ma'am.
Not until the next delivery.
Oh, dear.
Allow me.
- Thanks, just the same.
But take it.
I can't cook, anyway.
Why'd you buy it?
To practice on, but I can
practice with eggs, if I ever find them.
No, you take it,
I'll find something else.
I tell you what, we'll split it.
- Split it?
You can't split...
- Quite simple!
You take it home and cook it, and bring it over
my place, and we'll share it.
You're very generous, Mr. Adams.
What's matter? Don't you think
I'm worth half a chicken?
Thank you. I haven't thought of you
in terms of chickens.
I haven't thought of you,
period. Good day.
Oh, wait... I...
I want to apologize.
For what? - For some of
the things I said yesterday.
Why didn't you tell me
it was your house?
I thought it would be
less embarrassing.
But I was wrong.
I hope you'll forgive me. I'd hate
to think I got off on the wrong foot.
But don't you worry about, Mr. Adams.
Ours is purely
a business arrangement.
You rented my house,
not me.
Are you sure you won't reconsider
splitting this broiler with me tonight?
Tomorrow night?
Honestly Miss Howard,
I am the safest man in California.
I'm the most determined
bachelor you'll ever meet.
That's obvious, but it still
doesn't make you any safer, you know.
Come on! You don't think I'd ask a girl to come
up to her own house to see her own etchings.
Probably, if you thought
you could get away with it.
Pardon me.
Oh, Miss Howard!
Dear, you're just the one I need.
Sign this petition
to help safeguard
the young people
of Paradise Village, will you.
What is this,
Mrs. Brown?
The village bookshop is selling
dreadful books by A.J. Niles again.
I want to make them take
those nasty volumes...
out of there before
they corrupt our youth.
And Mr. Jynson's already sign this.
Have you ever read
any of the book?
Certainly not.
Than how do you know
that they're so nasty?
Certain chapters in all of
A.J. Niles books are nasty.
Everyone knows that's
what makes him so popular.
But I can't see how
the presence of a book
can corrupt anyone.
And besides, I feel that it's the
parents' duty to censor their
children's reading, not mine.
I'm afraid I won't be able to sign
your petition, Mrs. Brown.
I'll sign that, Mrs. Brown.
- Well, you're a good neighbour. - Yes.
Mr. Adams, isn't it?
- That's right.
Don't think I don't admire
your attitude, Miss Howard,
but I feel a sense
of obligation to the writer.
Every attempt to suppress books just...
helps push them
up atop the bestseller list.
So thanks you, Mrs. Brown.
Behalf of A. J. Niles
and the Bureau of Internal Revenue.
Floor man, accident on aisle three.
I see you found the eggs.
I'm sorry!
- My fault!
That's all right.
I hope you don't think I'm
following you, but something's leaking.
Leaking? - Yeah, from your car,
all over the street.
Oh yeah, here. This here.
What is that?
It looks like soap powder.
In fact, it is soap powder.
Well, that's all right.
I have several boxes.
Thank you.
This is...
Rosemary Howard's house.
That's right.
I'm leasing.
Oh, I heard she rented
it to a bachelor.
Jack Adams.
No wonder Tom was so upset
when he heard you had moved in.
- Tom Jynson.
Oh yeah, the blow-hard who
built this no man's land.
I'm Mrs. Tom Jynson.
Yeah, well... I'm sorry, I... you know
- That's quite all right.
a good word for him.
Here. Let me help.
You get the others.
I'll get the rest.
Certainly neighbourly
of you, Mrs. Jynson.
- Thank you, Dolores.
Can I help you
with something else?
I mean, I love to do for a man,
and Tom doesn't seem that need me
that do for him this days.
Is there something more
I can do for you?
In matter of fact, there is.
- Oh, what?
Show me how
the washing machine works.
Oh, that's nothing.
I already put the laundry in.
- You did?
Well... you put the soap in this
little trap door on top.
Then you, um, you turn this dial.
Is that all?
- Mm-hmm. Simple.
Why don't you go ahead
and get things started,
and I'll put the groceries away.
I keep everything
on the top shelf.
Hey, don't put in
too much soap.
How much is too much?
- Well, that's more than enough.
Oh, gosh, yes.
Now you close this, and you just,
uh... well, you just turn this dial.
I must have left some
change in the pockets.
The first cycle's the noisiest.
Then it settles down
to a roar.
That's alright.
Don't wear yourself out this way.
You're too pretty
for the kitchen. - Oh?
Um, I'm not keeping you
from anything urgent, am I?
I was going to dust,
but I can do that later.
Am I holding you up?
- As a matter of fact, you are.
From my... cocktail hour.
- Isn't it a little early?
What else is there to do?
- In alphabetical order?
Um, there's something I might
explain about Tom and me that...
would put your mind
very at ease, maybe.
Can you make
a really Dry Gibson?
Five parts gin, and I think
for a moment about the vermouth.
See, we're... separated.
We hardly ever see each other.
Does that...
put your mind very at ease?
Just my conscience.
My mind's having a ball.
Well, we're...
more than separated, really.
We're about to be divorced.
I... consider myself
an unattached woman. Practically.
If you know what I mean.
- I'm terribly afraid I do.
Oh, excuse me.
Here's a little hitchhiker.
- Thank you.
We have community property
laws in this state,
and he's finding out now that he can't
treat me the way he treats me.
Aren't you having one?
- Little early for me.
Early? It's April.
So, until he acts
like a real husband should,
I'm going to keep
all that money tied up,
and his P... excuse me, Paradise
Hills can just sit there.
You're the reason they
stopped working on that?
Me and my lawyers.
He thinks he's so smart.
Oh, he's made a fortune, but
he's all business, that man.
I found the loveliest
house in Bel Air.
I went into escrow,
but would he sign it?
Not Tom Jynson.
He has to stay
in Paradise where
he can keep his finger on the
pulse of things. That's a laugh.
Is it?
- Sure!
He moves out to a swanky hotel
and leaves me stuck in Paradise.
Now, very really.
Oh, thank you.
But... a woman gets
that lonely feeling.
She wants
somebody to admire her...
and tell her how pretty she
looks and things like that.
Why don't you come over
here where we can talk?
You're coming in loud and
clear. - Oh, come on!
You're so sympathetic
and understanding.
You're a very easy
woman to understand.
Am i?
- Uh-huh.
May I ask you a... very personal
question, Jack Adams? - Mm-hmm.
Do you find me
attractive as a woman?
I think you're extremely
attractive as a woman.
Or anything.
Tom doesn't find me attractive.
He used to,
but not anymore.
That's the trouble
with those real-estate men.
Once they get you through
escrow, they lose interest.
I know that he
find me attractive.
Because he goes out with other women,
one very other woman
in particular... Rosemary.
Rosemary Howard?
They were together all the time.
He used to leave me...
night after night after night.
It was always business,
and it was always Rosemary.
I'm, uh...
a lonely woman, Jack.
So very, very lonely.
Yeah, I'm beginning
to see what you mean.
Have you ever thought
of buying a parakeet?
They say tropical fish are fun.
I can't help it.
I'm not made of stone,
you know?
Not unless they're doing
some new things with it.
I'm kind of lonely
here myself. - You are?
Aha! - I'm a marvellous cook!
I'll make you a breakfast.
I had breakfast.
- Tomorrow's?
It'll get cold. - Well, I'll
come over and... heat it up.
Oh, my gosh!
I must have
pushed the wrong dial!
What'd you set it for,
Niagara falls?
We got to shut it off.
- Aah! Ooh!
Mommy, look.
The house is throwing up.
What's happening?
- Wait here. Watch the kids.
Yeah. C'mon.
Oh, Jack, what's wrong?
- The washing machine.
Too much detergent.
- Get back!
When it switches to rinse,
the whole town may go.
Somebody should turn it off.
- I'll phone for help.
Oh, Jack. This is awful.
First time I've seen
a kitchen with a head on it.
Oh God, it's getting higher.
- Don't make any waves.
Cant find... What's that?
- Look for a lump with a tail on it.
Linda! Linda!
She'll be bubbled to death.
Oh, Linda. Linda.
Here! Take him.
- Yes, I got him.
I hope he doesn't shrink.
He'll be a Chihuahua.
Aah! Mad dog!
- Mad house!
Where's the fire?
- No fire.
What did you call us for?
If I hollered "soap!" who'd come?
Rosemary, when's the last time
you stopped by your house?
A week ago. Why?
Did it look as if there was
any dirty work going on?
Dirty work?
- You know.
No, I don't know.
But the house
never looked cleaner.
There is definitely
something strange going on.
Drive down Katherina street,
and you'll see women...
our ladies... wearing lipstick
and dresses, during the day!
And it's starting to spread
throughout Paradise.
Tom, exactly... what is
Mrs. Brown telling you?
All right... I'll tell you
what she told me.
She told me that your harmless
Mr. Adams is entertaining women
every afternoon in your house.
Collectively or individually?
But either way, I don't like it.
It looks bad.
Now I want you to
find out what is going on there.
Now just picture this
scene for yourselves...
your husband comes home,
he walks in the house.
He finds candles flickering
and the dinner table set for two,
soft, romantic music,
a bottle of vintage wine chilled to
exactly the right temperature,
a faint, alluring scent of perfume.
The setting is perfect.
Then he discovers a woman
he's never seen before...
beautiful, seductive, exciting.
What does you do?
- I'll kill him!
Ha, ha, ha!
- No, no. The woman is you.
I promise you it'll be an evening
you'll always remember.
You'll awaken passions
you've never known before.
I guarantee
it'll work.
But what about
the children?
Cooperate, just
like the Europeans.
Leland's too home tonight.
Would you watch Janie for me?
You take my three tomorrow.
- O.K.
Linda, I'll gladly
take the boys tonight.
That's the idea, girls.
And tomorrow after noon, I want
a report from all of you who try it tonight.
Now, happy hunting
and toujours l'amour.
Hi, Rosemary.
- Hi!
You missed the
most fascinating discussion.
Yes, why haven't you
joined our group?
Well, I really haven't
had time, Camille.
I stopped by on business.
See you.
Bye-bye. - Bye.
- It was wonderful, just wonderful.
Well, won't you come in?
- I'll only be a minute.
What sort of a group have
you formed, Mr. Adams?
It's surely not A.A.
One harmless Martini
each just to loosen up.
You care for one?
- I tighten up with Martinis.
I've stop by only to ask if
you found a secretary yet?
I thought you were gonna
looking into that for me.
Oh, come on, I heard you
seem to be interviewing
all the women in town,
every afternoon.
We're conducting
a cultural exchange.
Daily discussions of life,
love, and the pursuit.
Seem to have had a bracing
effect on the community.
There's a quite run on girdles lately.
Oh, your friend Niles's books
are all sold out.
How do you know
he's a friend of mine?
Ten days ago,
you signed that petition.
Of course.
Do you really know him?
- Intimately.
We worked on the same sports
department, back in Cleveland.
Is he as wicked
as his books?
Oh, it's a matter of opinion.
I find him fascinating.
I thought you'd like A.J. Niles.
Splendid fellow.
A bachelor, too, by the way.
What's he look like?
He's devilishly attractive.
I don't think I've ever
seen a picture of him.
Most writers have their portraits
on the backs of books.
You know, smoking a pipe.
He has be very
careful about that.
If his face
became well-known,
it'd be a handicap
to his research.
I'll tell you one thing.
He'd be crazy about you.
What makes you so sure?
Your attitude.
Your refreshingly
realistic attitude.
You don't have any of
the natural female instinct
to deprive a bachelor
of his freedom.
Mr. Adams...
I just stopped by to tell you
that I could get you
a part-time secretary.
- Really?
You could have called that in.
See how it works?
Excuse me.
Oh, hello.
I'm not sure.
Hold on.
Are you busy tonight,
Miss Howard?
For dinner, I mean.
- Yes.
All right. Do you know nice
place for we can have
dinner for five dollars?
My allowance is little late.
Barbecue's fine.
The Pig Pit?
If you say so.
I'll pick you up
around seven.
O.K. You pick me up. Bye.
I thought maybe the four of us
can have dinner together.
The four of us?
- Yeah, me and my date,
you and Tom Jynson.
- Tom Juynson?
He's a married man.
Dolores Jynson's
a married woman.
But she's not your date? - Why not,
they're practically divorced.
I think the four of us together
would be quite civilized.
Could be... quite amusing.
Thanks, Mr. Adams, but I'm not
that desperate for amusement.
The American woman,
in her desperation...
driven toward what she regards
as equality with the American man,
has somehow lost
the art of romance.
Now her love for the conveniences...
the electric can opener,
automatic TV...
no wash...
That could be stronger.
Let me see...
Memo...check the girls tomorrow to see
how the experiment turned out.
Camille, honey, I'm home!
Excuse me, madam.
Must be in the wrong house.
Leland Quinlaw!
I did not lose the electric light money
in the bridge game!
Then turn them on.
I don't want them on! I want
candlelight and romance!
I want the lights on!
And what's with the violins?
Who needs this?
I want to see my kids,
and I'm not going to
eat dinner in the bedroom!
Take off that ridiculous dress!
This is no dance hall?
Hey, baby. Come here!
Larry! - I told you, I want to
play on the couch!
I want to play...
- Larry, I've got to think. I'm not...
You don't have to think for
what I've got in mind, baby!
Not to think, baby...
You and your ideas, baby.
You fracture me.
Why don't we
do this every night?
You don't, um,
miss the kids?
What kids?
- Hmm?
Let's skip dinner.'s cold now anyway.
- Yeah, but I'm not.
Oh, c'est la vie!
The ribs were delicious.
You should have at least
tasted them.
Shrimp cocktail and five Gibsons...
not a very well-balanced diet.
I shouldn't have had
the shrimp cocktail.
Sure you won't
have some coffee?
I shouldn't have
brought you here.
Now, they don't have
the most versatile wine cellar.
Tom used to
bring me here.
Tom again.
- That dirty rat!
So you've been telling me for
an hour. I'm convinced.
He'd never just to
take me to expensive places,
the dirty cheapskate!
If your mascara runs,
you'll discolour your vodka.
You better be careful.
Excuse me.
Miss Howard.
- Has Tom been here already?
Tom Jynson? No. Why should he...
- Where's Dolores?
Emergency face repair.
Want you sit down?
No, thank you. Fortunately,
I overheard your conversation
and knew where to find you.
What happened?
The house burn down?
No, but Tom is
really very angry.
Mrs. Brown saw you
and Dolores leaving together...
We could have used her at Pearl Harbour.
- So she probably called him.
Now he's out scouting
every restaurant in the area.
He is bound to come here.
- Why he's not hire a detective?
He's talked about that.
He's determined to get something
on Dolores. - But why?
To keep the alimony
down, what else?
Tom isn't a man.
He's a business machine.
It's Tom.
Here comes old IBM now.
Oh, hello, Tom.
- Rosemary...
I thought you
stayed away from gibsons.
Good evening Mr. Jynson, won't you
join us? - No, thank you.
I'm looking for Dolores.
You going on
your second honeymoon?
You didn't tell me you were going
to dinner with Mr. Adams.
What I do outside the office is
no one's business but my own.
Unfortunately, we were only discussing
Miss Howard's business.
Oh yes, Mr. Adams is thinking
of extending his lease.
We may have
to write up a new one.
Well, from what I
hear, you'd better
add a morality clause.
Takes a real dirty mind to
believe everything Mrs. Brown says.
Wanna wait a minute, Miss Howard.
- Mission accomplished.
Thanks, but I've been trying for weeks
to get you to have dinner with me.
I don't rush off, will you have a Gibson?
- I hate Gibsons.
Is there anything else you'd like?
- Nothing, thanks.
We're not allowed to drink
on rescue missions.
You're a real problem,
you know.
Any girl won't even
split a chicken with me.
Well, I'm not
sorry for you, Mr. Adams.
You certainly don't lack
female companionship.
I only want to
maintain peace in Paradise.
Jack Adams!
The minute
I leave the table!
you men are all alike!
You can't trust any man!
Excuse me, Miss Howard.
Well, I'd better
explain it to her.
Oh, Jacques.
C'etait merveilleux.
Cela a developpe exactement
comme vous l'avez predit.
Merci. Votre mari,
est-ce que ca lui a plu?
Il en etait ebloui.
Nous voulons
le faire chaque semaine.
Well, hello.
Come on in, Miss Howard.
Would you feel
safer if I came out?
Your discussion group
will be here soon.
There's safety in numbers.
Not if the numbers are 38-22-34.
Ooh! You flatter me.
- What can I do for you, smart?
Keep away from Dolores Jynsen.
I don't attend to chase around,
keeping you two out of trouble.
Trouble? Miss Howard, I'm a big boy.
I shave, and everything.
If Tom had
caught you with Dolores,
you'd be in enough
hot water to shave for a week.
He'd have filed for divorce.
I have a financial interest
in Paradise Village, Mr. Adams.
I don't want a scandal here.
That reminds me, have you
resumed work on Paradise hills?
You know perfectly well we haven't.
Why do you ask?
You haven't found me a secretary yet.
The work's piling up.
How about maybe you
help me part-time? - Me?
Keep me out of trouble. Beside,
you're the only one here I can trust.
'Cause of the nature
of my work.
What Is
the nature of your work?
It's a... series of reports.
Oh, government work?
Yes, in matter of fact, I am
working for the government.
It occurred to me,
until you resume Paradise Hills,
maybe you can help me
out a few hours each evening.
Sorry. I don't like to work nights.
- Wait... wait!
Let's discuss this little more.
- There's nothing to discuss.
No, but I'd like to explain.
Why can't we do it over dinner?
I've discovered a little place
that not only fits my budget...
but where the food's fit for the angels
and the drinks are fits for the gods.
Call me later.
Is he a bartender
or a landscape architect?
He's an artist.
- Care for a scorpion's kiss?
That's what they're called?
And this is a bikini.
- That's an odd name for it.
A drink bikini? - That's because
there's not much to it,
but it hits the right spots.
- Oh!
I've had two
and don't feel a thing.
We'd better get you another
one. Hey, innkeeper!
Another brace
of bikinis, please.
Sorry, Sir. Only two to
a customer. - Oh, come on.
Sorry, ma'am. That's a
very powerful drink.
There's an old
tahitian saying...
Oka loko pama, kala tino
kola oka! :)
Oh. Just what did that
old tahitian mean, by the way?
Who knows? I'm
from San Francisco.
Loopholes everywhere.
Your booth is ready,
Mr. Adams. - Oh, thank you.
Will you send over a couple
scorpion's kisses, then.
Thank you.
Just make it
the small scorpions.
You all right?
- I'm fine,
but why are you leaning?
Oh, that's better.
Now, sit up straight.
You know, this is really
a very attractive restaurant.
I'm surprised you
haven't been here before?
Well, the atmosphere is hardly
conducive to business.
Is that all you ever discuss
at dinner... business?
That's not what
Dolores tells me.
Oh, that's great.
That's really great.
Tom thinks every time he turns his back,
she's out chasing every other man.
Dolores loves Tom very much,
and we can help them, you and I.
There's just a breakdown
in their communications.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
What's so amusing?
Oh... Tom thinks our Paradise
bachelor is such a dangerous man...
a Satyr running
rampant in a harem.
Now you turn out to be
dear Abby in britches.
Oh, I didn't know
you were so talented.
There are lot of things you don't
know about me, Mr. Adams.
I can sail a boat,
upholster furniture,
skin-dive for abalone,
bake strudel,
know the names of all 50
states, and their capitals,
and I play a mean piano,
among other things.
Let me hear more
about the other things.
Come dance with kumina.
- No, honey.
You're one bikini late.
I couldn't stay...
No, I'd have to take a pill.
I couldn't.
It makes me seasick.
I couldn't. No, I really...
I know but...
It is a strange Paradox
that the American woman,
who lives in a world where the bachelor
and the spinster meet disapproval
discrimination, and therefore to be
satisfied "with nothing but marriage,
finds so much discontent, restlessness,
and boredom "in the marital state."
Seeking relief from the burdens
of domesticity, she exercise...
Sorry, Jack. Would it be alright
if Camille went red,
instead of black?
- But why red?
Leland's crazy about Susan Hayward,
and she's a redhead.
He tells you he is crazy
about Susan Howard,
that so you won't know how
he really feels about Lollobrigida.
Oh? - See? Come on,
I'll give you a hand. - Yeah.
She exercises much imagination,
frequently through group projects
that will in someway stimulate her.
Larry, is that you, honey?
Take it off.
Take what off? - That hideous
wig... take it off.
All right. All right,
it's not hideous.
Only, take it off.
- Oh, Larry.
It isn't.
It's not a wig.
You mean
you dyed it that colour?
Just wasn't coming up
to speed, that's all.
Hey, where'd you
learn electronics?
It's simple mechanics. This
isn't the first machine I've been cared.
Now let's see if it will work.
You're doing this
for the government?
Well, they can hardly
wait for it to come out.
Sounds like something
A. J. Niles might write.
Look, I trust you. I can
tell you the truth, Rosemary.
I don't have a dime, and Mr. Palfrey
came up with this idea.
What idea? - A book like
Niles's, only about America.
While A. J. is in France,
I came out here to do this one.
Palfrey thinks
is a mint in it.
Where's the
government come in?
They're waiting for the mint.
- Oh.
Know something?
This is better than A.J. Niles.
Thank you.
What did you do? - Take back
to the office to transcribe it.
I can't work here.
- Why not?
It's quiet here.
We can concentrate.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Afraid? I'm a pussycat.
From the gossip around
here, you're a Tomcat.
Me? You, of all people, know...
Look, there's been
enough talk.
Why give them more fuel?
Every husband in Katherina street
is talking about you.
You're sure you don't want them
talking about you?
They've already talked about me,
and Dolores, and every other woman
in the neighbourhood.
Aristotle said
the high-minded man
is more interested in the truth
than in what people believe.
And are you so high-minded?
I do think I've been behaving in
most exemplary in manner.
Do you realize I haven't even been
kissed since I moved in here?
No? I mean, no,
I didn't realize.
Some sort of a record, for me.
Oh, Rosemary, I'm sorry.
Alright, Linda.
I was leaving, anyway.
You were?
Terrible gosh me the burst in
this way, but it's an emergency.
It's Larry.
I don't' know what to do.
What have you done
to your hair? - You see?
Larry's tone was
positively menacing.
He walked out on me.
He says he's going to get drunk.
Oh, that is in favor, you know.
That might be an improvement.
But I promised Donna
to come over tonight.
Go without him. - And Leave
the boys? How can I?
Larry promised
to stay with them.
Donna is my sister.
I can't tell her
Larry has walked out and let me.
You know how families are.
Why don't you
stay with the boys?
Yeah. Me... baby-sit?
- You started it.
Yes! So will you help me, Jack?
You'll be an angel... The kids are asleep.
There's nothing to do, really.
If I go over there,
you can stay here and work.
Well, I guess there's
nothing wrong with that.
Oh, Jack. Mmm!
You're a saint.
There goes my record.
What young parents
without help
did before there were
baby-sitters is unclear.
There's no evidence to...
You're supposed
to be asleep.
I'm hungry.
What can I get for
you? - A sammich.
A sammich.
What kind of sammich?
A pickle and
peanut butter sammich.
Pickle and peanut butter.
Not interested in growing up, huh?
See? You woke your kid brother up.
No, I didn't.
He woke hisself up.
Well, how long you in for, Stevie?
I'm Stevie!
He's Dougie!
Oh, oh.
Well, come on.
Let me spring you.
Come on, doll.
Come on.
You don't have to cry. You...
Uh-oh. High tide.
Oh, Larry.
- Where's Adams?
He's not here.
- Don't kid me, Miss Howard.
You women are
all alike, ain't you?
Stick up for him.
What's he got, anyway?
And where is he?
As a matter of actual fact,
Mr. Delavane,
he is next door at your house performing
a duty you have neglected.
I catch you, and you
try to wriggle out of it
by accusing my wife
of unbecoming conduct?
I'm not accusing Linda... - Rosemary,
can you... - So there you are!
You just bad
as he is... worse!
Trying to make me suspect
my poor little wife
when it's you who've been
hanky-pankying around...
with this...
This bachelor!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Well, he's drunk.
But maybe he can
change the kid's diapers.
I doubt it. He's headed
in the other direction.
I don't blame him.
Say, come on, help me, will you.
I don't know
anything about this stuff.
Wait the minute.
What makes you think I do?
You're a woman. - Oh, gender's
no license for knowledge.
After some of the remarks you made
about American
spinsters on that tape...
We can discuss that later.
Next door is a waterlogged kid
going down for the third time.
Come on, help me.
Does the board of health
know about this place?
What are you doing?
- Fixing a sammich for Dougie.
Where is he?
- Under the table.
Hey, come on
out of there.
W... what happened
to your diaper?
They slitched off.
- Here, let me take him.
With this kid, Linda doesn't
need a garbage grinder.
Here we are.
There. You go get
some dry diapers.
Aren't you supposed to powder him first?
- No. You oil them first.
Oil? This kid hasn't done
a thousand miles yet.
Here. You do it, and I'll get
the dry diapers. Hold them.
And I'll put Stevie
in the other bedroom.
Isn't that good?
Is that refreshing?
Here you are.
You're the sweetest smelling.
That's all right, baby.
Everything will be alright.
If she wants to dye her hair,
what's the big deal, anyway?
What do you say we go tell her,
ol' uncle John, O.K.? [ Johnny Walker, op. p.]
Not enough oil.
I couldn't find
the diapers, but...
What are you doing?
Let's face it.
I'm a lousy mother.
Oh, go get another towel.
I'll clean him up.
Oh, Dougie.
Yeah, wait.
Come on.
Come on. Let's sit you up.
Let's sit up. There.
How about this one?
Give me one... for here.
Well, I think
that should do it.
Well, come on.
There, huh?
He'll never get out of that unless
he has friends on the outside.
Mrs. Delavane!
Mrs. Delavane!
Aha what?
- You are in my house.
Of course I'm in your house.
Miss Howard wasn't lying
about you and Linda.
Oh, stop it.
- Butt em up.
Oh, hold it, body. - Butt 'em up,
I'm gonna knock your eyebrows off.
I couldn't go two rounds
with your breath.
I won the first fall.
Quiet, you two.
The boys are trying to sleep.
Oh! My wife isn't good
enough for you, huh?
You got to have
another woman, too.
Well, there's another one
to put to bed.
Yeah, but he's
already oiled.
Causing unrest and disharmony,
apart from entertaining married
and unmarried women
in flagrant violation
of all standards
of decency and morality.
The undersigned therefore demand that
Paradise Village, incorporated, remove
the above-named
undesirable tenant immediately.
And it's signed by every
husband on Katherina street.
But not one of their wives.
Don't tell me he has
gotten to you, too, Rosemary.
You don't believe that rot!
These gentlemen believe it.
Aristotle said the high-minded man
is more interested in the truth,
than what people believe.
Aristotle doesn't live in Paradise,
and I am not going' to
antagonize the people who do.
Rosemary, I want Jack Adams
out of your house.
and I want him out fast.
- No, Tom.
I am not put him out,
not for you or anybody.
Are you disobeying me?
This is not the marine
corps, major Jynson.
No. This is Paradise,
and I am in command in here.
You will do what I say,
or you're through... fired.
I'm sorry, Tom.
Truly sorry!
Well, come in.
You're a little early.
How would you like
a full-time secretary?
What, red-blooded
American boy wouldn't?
What happened? - I'm no longer an
employee of Paradise Village, inc.
You quit?
- I did.
I won't work for any man
after he fires me.
I admire your spirit,
among other things.
How'd that happened?
A matter of business policy.
We didn't agree.
We don't always agree, either,
you're the exactly a person I need.
To help me with my research.
What kind of research? - Don't worry,
I'll push your desk against the wall.
I couldn't chase you
around it if I wanted to.
Don't worry,
I wouldn't be here.
Just don't ask me to
stay after working hours.
- Agreed, under protest.
Let me see.
You'll be my
landlady and secretary.
And I'll be your tenant and boss.
A very involved relationship.
If you raise my rent,
I'll lower your salary.
You lower my salary,
I'll raise my voice.
..comes to the plate
with a curve ball.
First strike. 0 and 1.
Ripley checking his signs.
The big right-hander's ready again.
Repley comes back to the plate.
Palufski swings,
gets a hold of it.
Long drive to deep left-centre.
Back goes Smitty, a-way back,
and she is gone.
It's a brand-new ball game...
3 and 3.
Before the biggest crowd of the year...
75,000 here at the stadium...
the Bears have come back for
a run of the seventh to tie, 3 and 3.
For Palufski, his 17th home run
of the year and his 51st RBI.
Now let's find out
if Dillon's coming up.
Jerry, is that Dillon comming up?
- No, Billy. That's Monty Brice...
Monty Brice, he is
hitting .287 so far this season.
Never mind Monty Brice.
Take a note.
Americans are so accustomed
to being told everything,
even at ball games,
they bring their radios
so the announcer
can explain what they seen.
And the fast ball
swung off and fouled away.
Our guess would be
about 75,000 people here.
I wonder what
idiot caught that.
They have the rest
room in this stadion...
They would have torn the roof off
for sure on the home run by Palufski.
They tell me 20 million American
women have taken this up.
Sure. To get
rid of their aggressions.
Oh, yes.
You know,
those aren't pins.
Those are
20 million American men.
The cleaners returned
your grey suit.
I hung it in the closet.
- Oh, thanks?
And I got your shirts back.
They're in second drawer.
You don't have to do
my shirts, Rosemary.
The laundry... - The laundry
puts a razor edge on the collars.
I don't want
my boss decapitated.
Even if he has a spair.
Hey, you worried about
your boss or your tenant?
Jack, please.
Why not? It's time
you acknowledge
man and women are
different, even in America.
This arrangement about is difficult enough.
Don't make it impossible.
You're making it impossible. I want
to make it very possible.
A little cooperation,
and it could be fun.
No woman really wants
to make love platonically,
just for fun.
Then I've met
some great pretenders.
I'm sure lot of women
have fallen in love with you.
If they have, they are
wanted something more than...
Well, merely an affair.
- For instance?
Oh, a home, security, permanence.
You know,
wise man once wrote...
that a man wants to be
a woman's first love,
but women have a more
subtle instinct.
They want to be sure
they're a man's last.
Let's eat.
- Hmm?
Have you been
a bachelor all your life?
I was engaged once
at the age of seven,
what I thought were pangs of love
turned out to be measles.
Silly. Then there's still a chance that
some poor girl may marry you?
A rich girl have
a better chance.
Have you ever been in love?
Never. Have you?
Once... I thought.
No. I take that back.
I really was.
- What makes you sure?
What makes you sure
you never were?
I planned it that way.
I had a very smart father...
who prepared me for life
in very early age
splendid piece of advice.
You care to share it?
He said: "Be careful
of what you put your heart
and your money onto."
Your father told you that?
Right after my mom told it to him.
Ha, ha, ha!
That's funny.
- Oh, hi.
Where's Rosemary?
- She's gone.
It's after 6 o'clock.
I wanted to talk you alone.
I had to.
It's about Larry.
He hasn't said
a word to me for days.
Why? You've dyed your hair
back, haven't you?
But he's still suspicious.
- Of me?
You see, It's your
reputation, Jack.
Everybody thinks that...
- Thinks what?
That you're having
affairs with all of us...
me, Camille, Dolores,
Rosemary! - Really?
That should qualify me
for the olympic team.
Don't joke about it.
They've written everything down.
Good. We'll make
an italian movie from it.
They even sent in that petition.
- What petition?
To Tom Jynson,
to have you evicted,
only Rosemary
wouldn't do it.
Are you sure about
this, Linda? - Positive.
Leland Quinlaw and
my Larry started it.
All our husbands in
the neighbour signed it...
What's that?
- Something's burning.
It's the oven.
My ready-mix cake.
Ha, ha! - Hope Smoky the Bear
doesn't hear about this.
- Out here!
What's so urgent?
Sit down, Rosemary.
I want to ask you something.
Why couldn't you ask me
on the phone?
I want to see your face
when you answer.
Honey... I know this isn't the first
time you've tried to protect me, and...
I'm deeply touched, but you should
have told me about the petition.
What good would
it have done?
I could have spared you and everyone
else out lot of trouble.
- By moving out.
Leaving Paradise?
I should think you'd be
glad to get rid of me.
No. I mean, what
about your book?
I've got enough material for
six books if I wanna use it.
Oh, Jack, please.
I just don't want to get
hopelessly involved.
You're a little late.
You already are.
So am I.
Why don't you
come with me?
With you?
Anywhere. I need you,
and you need me.
We both lived
alone long enough.
What's the advantage?
Tube toothpaste
lasts twice as long.
That's all you can
say for it.
There's just one problem,
a matter of social convention.
I can't very well
ask you to marry me.
We understand each other.
Why complicate things?
We can't. I can't,
not this way.
I found that out
a long time ago.
This is different, darling.
We're both
being completely honest
with each other.
Which means you don't want
to ask me to marry you.
I haven't the nerve.
I'd be a real heel if I did.
You know what you'd be
getting for a husband?
Just roughly.
A man who's been a bachelor all
his life, who wants his own way,
a gypsy who's never had a
permanent home since he was a kid
in the pool room
burned down.
And wants to stay
as free as a winds.
A man who's not only dead broke,
but in hock to the government.
Is that the kind of
man you want to marry?
I don't know...
I don't know if
I want to marry anyone.
Then it's a stand-off,
isn't it?
But I do know one thing.
- I know.
Pardon me. I'll kill whoever
it is and be right back.
Yes, operator. Speaking.
Wait! Rosemary!
Don't go!
I... yeah?
Austin Palfrey, dear lad.
Can you be at the
L.A. airport by midnight?
But why, what's...
I've wired you a ticket
for the midnight jet.
You're to be in Washington
first thing tomorrow.
No, Rosemary. I haven't
seen Jack since yesterday.
But I did hear
his phone ring.
Was that you?
Dougie, spit that out!
What, Rosemary?
No. His car's
not here, either.
Look, honey,
I've got to run.
Dougie's eating a
a ball-point pen.
that's you, Rosemary...
I had to leave.
Keep this machine
to remember me by.
I hope you'll be as lonesome
and miserable without me...
as I have been every
evening when you left.
There you are,
Mr. Niles.
Except for 1,000 dollars or
so, it's all there.
What's all there?
Your money, dear lad.
The cash, stocks, and bonds.
You mean,
you found Wappinger?
Boarding a plane
in Mexico City.
Oh, that's great. Thank you
gentlemen. That's wonderful.
Course, you'll have to sign
a complaint against him, Mr. Niles.
No, I don't think I will. I'd have
to stick around for his trial,
be a witness and... there's
something about courtrooms...
I suppose you're anxious
to back to France...
finish your book.
- No, I'm working on...
something little more
domestic right now.
Of course...
How the Americans Live!
It's true. - Alright George, you can
let the newsreel boys in now.
I'm about to start the publicity rolling
on Adams' next bestseller.
As a matter of fact, I've been back
in this country for some time...
I've been in California,
in a housing development
in the San Fernando Valley.
Course, I've have used
an assumed name,
but I've been doing a lot of
research for my newest book.
It's based on modern living in this
country, and it's called...
How the Americans Live!
It is been a most stimulating and
and fascinating experience...
and frankly I've been amazed
with some of my findings.
Because I've found a strong,
healthy group of
hard-working men and women,
who not only try to be
kind and decent,
but go to extremes
to help each other.
Why didn't you tell me
you were coming back?
I didn't know
I was going to.
But I just moved back in
tonight. This is awful.
It's not bad from here.
You look quite alluring, and I'm
proud of you for one thing.
What? - You didn't pull the bedclothes
up around your neck.
No, no!
Stay right where you are.
No need to get up.
It's after midnight.
There's no one's here but us.
- Oh, no, please.
You're beautiful with your
hair shook up like that.
Don't spoil it.
You're a picture.
You don't go in bed with your face
full of grease like a channel swimmer.
You... got let me get up.
- Rosemary.
We didn't plan it this
way either of us.
It just meant to happen.
I surely didn't
mean this to happen.
You're single, female, and in
your right mind. - Exactly.
If you think I am going to allow myself
to become entangled with A. J. Niles...
Oh, so that's it.
Everyone knows who you
are, Mr. Niles.
All you-know-what
broke loose here today.
You didn't feel this way
before I left.
I'm the same man
I was two days ago.
The same deceitful liar.
I had to lie,
but not have to anymore.
A shattering thing happened
to me while I was away.
For the first time in my
life, I miss someone.
I had to come back.
Will you please leave me alone,
and get out of here!
At least now
you know the truth.
If you want the bedroom,
you can have it.
Your rent is still paid.
- No, I'll stay there.
I'll sleep on the couch,
like the men always do
in american movies.
Oh, darn him.
- Well what?
Aren't you going
to brush your teeth?
Oh... I forgot.
You come in here
just to remind me?
No, I came in to tell you
how despicable person you are.
You might get an argument.
I'm quite fond of me.
You're the only one who is,
but I'm grateful
to you for one thing.
Well, that's something?
You brought me back
to my senses.
When I thought you'd gone for good,
I was desolate.
I was miserable
because I lost my nerve...
and ran out on you
the other night.
But now that
you're back,
I could see what a mistake
it would have been.
I'm not a woman to you.
I'm a... guinea pig.
That's all every female in Paradise
is to you, A. J. Niles.
A guinea pig.
By the same token, I owe
you a vote of thanks.
In the gitty euphoria of recovering
my loot and my identity,
I seriously considered
proposing to you.
What a stupid blunder that
would be, at my age,
to change my
whole way of life,
give up my freedom,
and everything.
Thank you my dear, for
snapping me back to reality.
I'll be out of here and out your
life first thing in the morning.
Thank you.
Who's that?
- I don't know.
Quick. In the bedroom.
- But who is it?
I don't know, it's too
early for the milk.
Just a minute.
Hi. May I come in?
No.- I heard your
car drive up.
I was so excited, Jack.
Mr. Niles, I mean.
I didn't think you were ever coming
back here. - Well, I didn't...
We knew you were somebody.
You just had to be.
I want you know,
no matter what happens,
we girls will stick up for you.
- May not be enough, Linda.
I'll take... ah...
- What's that?
- Jack! Back door.
If that's Larry,
he'll kill me.
Quick hide in the bedroom.
No! No, no.
Second bedroom. Right there.
I knew this house
was too small.
You got to come with me
right away. - Where? What!
To my house, before Leland
finds out I'm here.
You gotta talk to him for me. You gotta
explain that nothing happened.
You calm down, Camille.
What you're talking about?
Ever since Leland found out that
you're A.J. Niles,
he thinks you and I we're having...
that we're carrying on
some kind of a...
Oh, please! You got to
come clear my name.
My whole marriage hangs in
the balance. - Will you stop this drama!
If I had to go that...
- No!
It's Leland! I knew I got to hide!
Please! I got to hide!
Here. Get right in there.
Keep breathing.
Oh, no!
Adam J. Niles!
Welcome to Grand hotel.
Why didn't you tell me?
We could have conducted the
most marvellous experiments together!
Look... put that
coat back on!
Where's your tape recorder?
Let's get to work.
But Dolores! - I want to be in
your book! - You know that you can't...
So Mrs. Brown was right!
Wait a minute, Jynson. - I won't wait
a second, you libertine.
I'll see you in court...
both of you!
- Oooh!
What are you doing in
there? - I don't know.
Come here. You're going
to break your neck.
Come on, hurry!
Why are you out!
- Aah!
They're all coming.
Over the wall.
- Oh!
Can you make it?
Go on.
State, your name, address,
and occupation, please.
I'm T.W. Jynson, presently residing
in the Palm Vista hotel.
And I'm the developer of Paradise.
As I recall,
the book of genesis...
Paradise Village,
Your Honour.
It's a real-estate development.
One of the finest
housing developments
in the broad and fertile valley...
You will not use this courtroom
for any advertising
purposes, Mr. Jynson.
Now Mr. Jynson, isn't it
true that, most regrettably,
you are compelled to seek
this action against your wife
after numerous instances
of infidelity with one A.J. Niles...
a man who is known to be...
pardon me, Your Honour...
a libertine and a seducer?
- Absolutely.
Your Honor, we intend to
produce evidence to prove
the statement that Mr. Niles is,
if you'll pardon the expression,
a libertine and a seducer.
Order in the court!
Yes, I did say I wanted
to be in his book.
I wanted to be a
whole new chapter.
But in matter of fact, I wanted
to be a whole new book.
Mrs. Tom Cheapstake lives.
A.J. Niles filled my wife's
head with sexy ideas.
I married that woman because
I liked her empty-headed.
I knew there was
something going on
when I saw the way my wife
was wrapping the garbage.
Nobody wraps garbage
like that unless
there's some hanky-panky
going on.
The poor, dear man
was always trying to help,
like... when Camille wanted
to dye her hair red,
and Jack... Mr. Niles...
told her that dyed red hair
look so phoney... and...
Your hair doesn't look
like it's dyed, Your Honor.
I mean... I mean, men can't always
be right, can they?
Your home is directly
across the street
from the house Mr. Niles
is rented? - Right smack.
I've just talked to New York.
You making headlines.
I've had to order
a second printing
of your book
before it's even finished.
From your observation,
Mrs Brown,
how would you
describe Mr. Niles?
Sex fiend,
pure and simple.
- Sustained.
Mrs Brown,
that's a very broad
and condemning term.
I don't know how else
should describe him.
He has only one thing
on his mind.
Have you ever read
his books, madam judge?
Yes, I have.
I also read books
from H.G. Wells,
but I wouldn't describe
him as an astronaut.
Please, confine your testimony
to factual observations.
Very well,
Your Honourees.
Ever since that man moved in
Rosemary's house...
Stop trying to make
implications, Mr. Backett.
My relationship with Dolores
Jynson was not experimental.
Oh, then you actually did find
her physically attractive?
Certainly not.
Did he have to say that?
Well, that is, I didn't
find her unattractive.
I... What I mean is...
Mr. Niles,
when you've finished debating with yourself,
will you please answer the question?
I'm trying to,
Your Honour.
I did found her attractive, but
that did not motivate my actions.
Now, Mr. Niles,
you herd Mr. Jynson
testify that he saw Mrs. Jynson,
clad only in
a revealing negligee,
nestled in your arms.
Would you explain
your motivation for that?
You see, Your Honour, it
isn't quite that simple.
What I mean to say is...
There were three other women
in the house at the same time.
Three? - I didn't
plan that way.
I don't go in for group therapy.
It... was one of
those hectic nights.
I can well
understand that.
Your Honour,
may I make one statement
to clarify this whole situation?
Clarification would most certainly
be in order, Mr. Niles.
Well Your Honour, there seems to
be a public image of A.J. Niles
as some sort of
wandering Casanova,
to whom the world
is a private boudoir.
In the past, there may have
been some justification for this,
but ever since I established
residence at Paradise Village,
I'm an entirely
different man.
The plain truth is...
For the first time in my life,
I've been in love...
deeply in love.
And because of that, only one woman has
meant anything at all to me.
That woman is
Rosemary Howard.
Because of my
feeling for her, I...
couldn't have possibly indulged
in any of the activities
of which I've been accused.
I returned from Washington for one
reason, Your Honour...
to marry Miss Howard.
she turned me down,
but I was truly
and still am...
deeply in love, and I...
hope to persuade her to
change her mind and marry me.
No further questions.
Does counsel
for the defence
wish to cross-examine
the witness?
No questions, Your Honour.
You may step down,
Mr. Niles.
Who is your next witness,
Mr. Backett?
I'd like to call Miss
Rosemary Howard to the stand.
Do you solemnly swear to
tell the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Now yet you ruin everything.
Now you're just another guy.
And it's about time.
Now, Miss Howard,
were you formerly associated
with Mr. Jynson in business?
I was.
Did you resign
your position?
No... I was fired.
Will you tell
the court why?
Because I have refused to evict
Mr. Niles from my house.
Who demanded that eviction?
There was a petition signed by
a number of husbands
in the neighbourhood.
That would be exhibit A,
Your Honour.
Is this the document,
Miss Howard?
It appears to be,
Your Honour.
Now, Miss Howard,
that petition...
makes several allegations as to the
conduct and character of Mr. Niles.
Would you deny them now,
under oath?
Well, Miss Howard?
May I make a statement,
Your Honour?
In the interest
of clarification?
Oh, yes.
- Then by all means, Miss Howard.
These three divorce cases...
are based on a complete
misunderstanding of Mr. Niles...
and his motives
and the motives of the wives.
You tell them, Rosemary!
Order in the court.
Continue, Miss Howard.
I know this because
I worked very closely...
with Mr. Niles... on his notes.
I heard all the conversation...
between the girls and Jack...
I mean Mr. Niles...
that night before Tom Jynson
came bursting in.
A.J. Niles only wanted to help.
He understood
their frustrations,
their doubts,
and their loneliness.
She's right,
Your Honour!
Control yourselves!
This is not
a PTA meeting.
Go on, Miss Howard.
A woman left alone,
even in Paradise,
has to...
rebuild her pride.
I know Dolores and Tom are very
much in love with each other,
and Mr. Niles was
aware of it, too.
The others felt that their husbands
were losing interest in them.
But in all this time
in Paradise Village,
A.J. Niles only wanted to help,
and this is his reward.
Miss Howard...
Mr. Niles is not on trial here.
I know that,
Your Honour,
but he seems to be
the central character.
For as these men are guilty
of failing to appreciate their wives.
What's worse,
you didn't trust them.
The truth is, they're lucky
to have women who
care enough to
try and win back their affection.
As to Mr. A.J. Niles,
I have only
one thing to say.
A few minutes ago,
he stated... under oath,
that his only objective
was to marry me.
And I meant it!
Then I wish to state,
under oath,
that I have changed my mind,
and I accept his
proposal of marriage.
You're hooked. You're through.
No more experiments.
Order in this court!
Order in this courtroom!
One of the most interesting aspects
of the institution of marriage
is a rather complex rite,
colloquially referred
to as the honeymoon.
Historians have traced
this romantic ritual
back to the days of ancient...
- Ha, ha, ha!
Historians have traced this...
Oh, those historians.
- Ha, ha, ha!