Back to the Beach (1987) Movie Script
1
Twenty-five years ago, my parents were
the most popular teenagers in America.
It's true. My dad was a teen idol.
Girls threw themselves at him.
Unfortunately, this was 1962,
and he had to throw them back.
When Dad wasn't singing,
he spent his life on a surfboard.
They called him the Big Kahuna.
When I was born,
Dad wanted to call me Little Kahuna.
Luckily, he settled for Bobby.
As for Mom, she joined that strange cult
called the Mouseketeers.
Hi, Mouseketeers. I'm Annette.
She became the first pinup queen
for boys under 12.
Anyhow, they got married and moved to Ohio
right after the accident.
Don't get them started
on the surf accident.
Around our house,
we have this nightly ritual.
It's called
"dinner, and then the accident story."
Let me spare you this.
Twenty years ago, while surfing,
this humongous wave
knocked the Kahuna right out of Dad,
and he's never been the same since.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
The hair. Did you wet the hair?
Don't wet the hair, please.
Try to get the water here, okay?
Jamie, is my hair okay? Good. Okay.
Okay. Hi! Need a car?
This is my dad now.
The closest he gets to the ocean
these days
is when he plays the Surf King
in order to sell cars on TV.
...your next car, but you know what?
Yup, the Big Kahuna
now owns Friendly Ford,
the largest dealership in Ohio.
- How's it going? Alan...
- It means he worries a lot,
works longer hours than a coal miner
and can be pretty grouchy sometimes.
Fleishman, Fleishman, massage this baby
and make her look pretty like the rest.
What's the matter with you guys?
Its not that he's a creep or anything.
I Think Dad just forgot how to have fun.
This is our house in Ohio,
and this is my mom now.
She's still the most cheerful person
on Earth,
although she did develop
this one little quirk.
Bobby! Come get your lunch.
As for me,
I developed a serious identity crisis
and was at the breaking point.
I Couldn't live like this anymore.
One day, I cracked.
It was time to confront Mom
with her problem.
I'm afraid.
You're afraid of lunch?
Bobby, no one's afraid of lunch.
I am.
Because I know exactly, unfailingly
and with absolute certainty
what's in there.
It's been in there every day of my life.
It's peanut butter, isn't it, Mom?
Isn't it?
Well, you know, I believe it is.
What do you mean, "I believe it is"?
Of course it is.
You know there's peanut butter in there.
It's like a sick kind of fixation
with you.
Well, it's good for you. You need it.
No, Ma. You need oxygen.
I don't know how to break this to you,
but peanut butter is not one of
the elements essential to human life.
Wait a minute. Let me get this straight.
Are you saying
that you don't like peanut butter?
Ma, I'm just saying I need a change.
Something different once in a while.
A little variety.
Well, why didn't you just say so?
Tomorrow, you get the chunky.
If was useless. I was stressed.
Dad was developing
some serious stress problems, too,
from his relentless obsession
with selling, selling, selling.
What are all the salesmen doing, sleeping?
And although
Mom wouldn't recognize stress
if it jumped up and bit her,
she was also getting pretty weird
from spending so much time shopping,
shopping, and, yes, that's right,
more shopping.
Something had to give.
After 15 years, Dad sensed trouble
and finally realized
we all needed a break.
A vacation?
So, we're off to Hawaii,
A fun place for a kid
who only wears black.
Hey, babe, how about a Cuervo Gold?
Now, you know I can't do that,
but would you like
a little junior pilot pin?
Whoop-de-do.
Maybe I should just pin it to your cheek.
Bobby, dear,
I hope you're not being any trouble.
That hair. That smile. Those...
You're Annette! Oh, God.
It must be so wonderful being you.
Why, yes, it is.
And you're the Big Chihuahua!
Kahuna. But that's way back in the past.
Now I'm a stressed-out car salesman.
Say, would you like to hear
about an accident I once had?
Oh, no.
I'll pass.
Geez, I wish I could call the office
and find out what's going on.
Oh, don't think about work now,
sweetheart.
Just concentrate on relaxing
and having fun again.
Oh, Annette, I want to.
It's just, I hope I remember how.
There's one thing I do remember.
How much I love you.
But the years have hardened me, Annette.
They've certainly hardened your hair.
- Well, I've got you this time...
- Honey! Don't.
It's all right. I was just fixing his hat.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we'll be serving dinner
in our main cabin shortly.
For those of you who ordered
special meals, good move.
Great. Dinner!
Bobby, did I ever tell you
the time when I was surfing?
See, what did I tell you?
Dinner, and then the accident story.
Dad, does the phrase "get over it"
mean anything to you?
Yeah? Well, does the expression
"a rap in the mouth" mean anything to you?
- I'm gonna...
- Honey!
He keeps needling me.
- Do not.
- Do too.
- Not!
- Too!
Stop it, boys. I don't want this to happen
when we get to Los Angeles.
I thought we were going to Hawaii.
But we're stopping in LA
to see your sister, Sandi.
- Sand..
- No, Dad, don't.
My little baby, my honey-bunny,
my lambie-wambie.
- She's the apple of my eye.
- This is why we don't travel.
Whoo-hoo!
I hope the bags don't take too long.
We've only got a ten-hour layover.
That's perfect. Oh, there it is. Here.
- Where's the movie stars?
- What?
I thought LA was supposed to be
loaded with movie stars,
rock 'n' rollers, celebrities.
Oh, honey,
that's just what all Midwesterners think.
LA is just like any other place.
Excuse me, ma'am,
but I believe this is my bag.
Oh, I'm sorry. Of course.
Mine's leatherette and this seems to be...
Pigskin. Thank you very much.
Hey, Mom, you know who that was?
No, honey, who?
That was...
Nah, I guess I was wrong.
Oh, sorry.
We're not in right now,
but leave a message
and we'll get back to you
as soon as we can. Okay? Bye.
Hi, Sandi, this is your father.
Your mother and I
are at the airport here in LA.
Now, we got a couple of hours
and we thought we'd see your new place.
Uh, when you say, "We're not in,
uh, who exactly is "'we"?
Look at it, honey. The ocean!
Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it?
It smells kind of funny, don't you think?
Yeah. It smells like the ocean.
What did Sandi say?
I didn't talk to her. I got the machine.
She said, "We're not in."
Now, what do you think that means,
"We're not in"?
Wild guess?
I think it means she's not in.
Boy, it's quite a piece of dialogue
when you two intellectual giants
get together.
- I should be writing this down.
- This kid's starting to bug me, Annette.
- Oh, I know, honey...
- I'm telling you. Bobby, that's enough.
- That's enough. Now cut it out.
- Don't start anything.
Now, come on. Just relax.
Okay, but here's my point,
she didn't say, "I'm not in."
She said, "We're not in."
"We." You see? "We."
Now, what does "we" mean?
I believe it's the plural form,
indicating more than one.
Do you want me
to conjugate that for you, Pop?
Do you know what conjugate means, Dad?
Conjugate?
I'd like to conjugate you
in the back of the head with a rock.
- Don't! That's enough.
- He's driving me nuts.
That's enough. I'm sure Sandi is fine.
Can't we enjoy
being back on the beach again?
- Okay, okay.
- Please.
- Just one time I'd like to...
- No!
- Just once, just once.
- No! Stop it. Stop it.
Oh, look, honey. It's our old beach.
Yeah. Big deal.
Oh, and remember this? It was our song.
Hey, the radio has a dial, you know.
Sing with me, honey.
Come on, honey, I'm not in the mood.
- Oh, please?
- I can't. I'm driving, okay?
I mean, I gotta concentrate.
Thanks. I owe you one there, Dad.
Sandi, you keep leaving the soap
on the shower floor,
and it keeps getting gross and squishy,
and then it just disappears.
This was my favorite soap on a rope,
and look at this. It's just rope.
Gosh, Michael,
what a gut-wrenching tragedy.
Uh, get Jerry Lewis on the phone.
Let's get a telethon going.
- Okay. I'm sorry I've gotta do this...
- No!
...but I'm with the smart-ass police.
You're a repeat offender,
and in clear violation.
And now you go out the window!
What are you writing?
A letter to my folks.
Yeah? Well, I'll bet
I'm not mentioned in that one, either.
That's right. Oh, Michael, I'm sorry.
My dad is a nice guy, a good provider,
cruelly handsome, kind of a weird dresser,
but in the last few years,
he's just become
the teeniest bit conservative.
What number did you say?
That's 64, 68. I don't get it.
Do you mean to tell me
that our daughter is living on a pier?
Sandi lives on a pier?
Well, if I recall, one summer,
you lived under a pier.
Annette, honey, I am not my daughter.
You figured that out
all by yourself, Pop?
- Bobby!
- Stop it.
Well, I think living on a pier
is adorable.
Adorable? It's strange.
Weird things happen on a pier.
When you say,
"We're not in," uh, who exactly is "'we"?
Michael!
Michael! Oh.
- What?
- Oh.
What's going on?
You got any other clothes?
- No.
- Good.
Oh, I guess those new fall fashions
are coming in.
A bait shop?
She lives on top of a bait shop?
Michael, sweetheart, I love you.
Now get the hell out.
- Is this, like, a chick thing?
- No, it's, like, a parent thing.
Sandi, it's your father!
- Get it?
- Got it.
Good.
Sandi, come on. Open the door!
I'm coming, Dad!
Shh. I think I hear something.
You mean she's making noise
in her own apartment?
They just go nuts in California, huh, Dad?
- Okay, now what, now what?
- I... I don't know.
Okay, look, I do. I do. Look.
We let them in, we tell them.
We get everything out in the open.
And we tell them I love you,
I wanna marry you.
And we trust that as mature adults,
they'll understand us.
Sandi!
Sandi, if you've got a guy in there,
I'm gonna cut off his toes
and sell them to the bait shop!
Listen, this is my house, too,
and I will not be driven out.
Ow! Dad! Ow!
He's battering down the door
with someone's head?
Ow, Dad, my eyes are crossing!
I'm out of here.
Sandi, I've always loved you.
Ow, Dad!
I'm glad to see you. I mean that.
Mom! Dad! Bobby!
What a lovely surprise.
Oh, sweetheart, oh, you look beautiful.
A little thin. Doesn't she look thin?
- She looks guilty. Who was just in here?
- No one.
- Who was just in here?
- I was on the phone. Dad!
Two toothbrushes, aftershave lotion,
and the toilet seat is up. I knew it.
- What was that?
- What was what?
- That thing?
- What thing?
I saw you throw a thing.
Did you see that thing?
I think I saw a thing, but I don't know
what thing I thought I saw.
God, I'm proud. It's like a conversation
at the Kissingers', isn't it?
Ha-ha! Now I get it.
Bobby!
- Honey, what are you doing?
- What am I doing?
It seems to me that your daughter has
developed a serious interest in surfing.
Or surfers. Come on, Bobby.
Honey!
I'll be back.
Sweetheart, is there something
you wanna tell me?
Oh, Mom, that was my boyfriend.
He wants to marry me
and he's been living with me
for six months.
But I didn't think I could tell you
'cause Dad would freak out.
And I don't know what's happening.
I don't know, Mom. What'll I do?
Let's go shopping.
Bobby! Bobby! Slow up.
Attaboy, Bobby. When [ find this guy,
I'm gonna tear him apart.
I'm gonna break his legs.
- I'm gonna break his face.
- Thank you, Dad.
You continue to set
a great example for me.
Bobby, come on, before we lose him.
- I don't believe it, Bobby.
- Pop! Pop!
- Just had him in my sight.
- Pop! Pop!
- I thought I saw him coming up here.
- Pop, Pop, look out!
Almost. Bobby...
Whoopsie-daisy.
"Whoopsie-daisy"?
Well, back in my day, a surfboard...
A surfboard was about nine feet long,
weighed about 50 pounds.
Not like this sissy job.
What?
Yeah, it took a real man
to handle one of those babies.
You know, I think the sport has become
a little bit effeminate, don't you think?
Just for the record,
I have a wildly different opinion.
- I like the kid.
- Yeah.
Great. That means we're hitting it off,
doesn't it?
I don't like the guy with the hair helmet.
Hair? Hair?
You're talking about hair?
You guys get your haircuts
at the Braille Barber College?
Good one, huh, Bobby?
You know,
I bet puberty would've been great.
You are on my beach.
You have done an ugly thing to my board.
These are sins here.
I, Zed, am god here. Right?
Right!
Hey, listen, thanks, babe.
You guys have been great.
We gotta split now.
And thanks for showing us
your little toys. They're really cute.
Hey!
They're really good. Nice.
Nice. Thanks a lot, huh?
- Wait up, guys.
- You know, nice kids.
Pop, you're really aware.
- Hi, hon.
- Hi, Ma.
Hi. Did you boys have a nice time?
We met these really weird-looking guys
and they had really bad attitudes
and were incredibly rude and dangerous.
They wanted to kill us. It was so cool.
Well, as long as you had fun.
Oh, this wind. Sandi, how's my hair?
Oh, it looks great, Mom.
Oh, look.
Let's go in for a second.
Come on, honey, we got a plane to catch.
We used to spend so much time here.
Don't the memories come flooding back?
Mom, Dad, the early years.
Ooh, I'm getting goose bumps.
Mom, I gotta go,
I'm going to be late for work.
Okay.
Oh, look.
Dick Dale's on tonight.
Let's go say hi to Dick.
Honey, we can come back in the year 2000
and say hi to Dick.
Oh, just for a minute.
All right. All right.
But exactly five minutes, okay?
I'll wait in the car.
Dad, it's been a pleasant visit.
Come back real soon, okay?
All right, honey. Okay, I'm coming in.
Parking!
The Big Kahuna!
Edd Byrnes. Wow! How kooky!
You know, they make a drink here
called the Stunned Mullet.
Serve it in a coconut shell.
Well, I once saw a woman
drink one of these,
take off all her clothes
and dance the Pony
right here on this very table.
And your point is?
The point is
I'd like to buy you two of them.
That's very generous of you
in a sleazy kind of way,
but my husband and I
have a plane to catch soon.
Oh, say, hey,
if a dynamite-looking chick like you
was married to
a totally bitchin' dude like me,
you wouldn't be alone for a minute.
Catch my drift?
I dig chicks.
Chicks dig me digging them. Dig?
Hey, slick.
Oh, the name's Troy.
Oh, what a shock.
Troy.
The old Stunned Mullet, huh?
Yeah.
You ought to try ordering
a real drink, slick.
Let's go, Annette.
Bridgette, where were we?
Zebra hunting on the Serengeti, right?
Oh, they glow in the dark.
Wait, I wanna say goodbye to Sandi.
I wanna get out of here right now.
It was a mistake
even getting close to this old beach.
I just wanna get on the plane, okay?
Kahuna!
- Connie?
- Yes! Look at you.
Twenty years later, honey, you are still
the best-looking thing on this beach.
Somebody get me a net!
Bob...
Uh, Connie, you remember Annette, huh?
Well, I didn't mean that kind of a net.
Are you two still dating?
Unfortunately, you look great, too.
Not this great, but great.
Well, I try to take care of myself.
I eat right, and I get plenty of rest.
Of course you do.
That's because you're boring.
I didn't mean that.
Come on, you have to see my shrine.
Uh, honey, we have a plane to catch.
Oh, come on, Annette, there's no rush.
- Hold on. Hold on.
- Come on.
Honey...
Huh? Look.
- I don't believe it.
- Yeah.
You saved all this junk?
Uh-huh. It's not junk to me.
Just some of the memories
of the best times of my life.
You're not an easy guy to forget,
you know.
You're never easy. Period.
Oh, look at this baby picture.
I didn't think anybody would remember me
from those days.
Are you nuts?
You're the Big Kahuna, honey.
- Look, there's your old board.
- Board!
- Huh? Look.
- Hal!
- There's a trunk full of your old clothes.
- You're kidding.
Yeah. Honey, you're a legend in my place.
Annette, look at this.
Connie saved everything
I used to care about.
I don't see a picture of me.
Come on, Nettie, don't be a pill.
You got him. You won.
That's right, honey. You won.
Oh, okay. Well,
we've got a plane to catch. Let's go.
Oh, no, you're not gonna leave
without singing a song.
My husband doesn't sing anymore.
Come on, honey. Just five minutes.
Connie, I wouldn't dream of leaving
this place without singing a song.
Come on, let's go! Let's have some fun.
- Come on, Annette. Let's go!
- Come on!
- Hey, Mom.
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- Mom?
- ...the Big Kahuna!
Let's hear it!
Mom, was I adopted?
And if not, can I be now?
Dick, you know "Venus"?
- "Venus"?
- Yeah.
You're asking me, Dick Dale,
if I know "Venus"?
No.
- No.
- But I know this.
One, two, three, four!
Connie...
Thanks. It was great seeing you again.
Yeah, well, there's more of me to see.
We missed the plane.
Really?
Ooh, how time flies when you're having...
Don't say it.
I've been trying to get you to have fun,
but you didn't seem able
to have any with me, did you?
Come on, Annette, lighten up.
"Lighten up"?
If this marriage gets any lighter,
it'll float.
You sure didn't feel like
singing with me, did you?
Or spending any time with your daughter.
Oh, come on, Annette, don't be ridiculous.
Damn it! I knew we should not have
come back to this beach.
Look, we are going back to Ohio right now.
Are we?
Well, I'm spending time
with my daughter and my son,
and maybe, just maybe,
I'll have a little fun myself.
Yeah!
Annette, I am going home.
Are you coming now?
No.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Then don't come later.
How about never?
All right!
Yeah!
What the hell are you doing?
Oh! What are you doing?
I thought you were my girlfriend.
Don't worry, I won't let it happen again.
Michael. Michael, put some clothes on.
What clothes? Tuna fish
are wearing my clothes, remember?
- Whose luggage is that?
- My mom's.
They're still here?
Yes. She and Bobby.
They're gonna be here any minute.
They had a fight.
Boy, there's a lot of that going around.
We are not having a fight.
- Well, am I sleeping here tonight?
- No.
Well, then we're having a fight.
Michael, my mother's only gonna be here
for a couple of days.
A couple of days?
Oh, well, that is just great.
They start out on a three-hour tour,
and now they're gonna be here
for God knows how long. I mean, what...
Am I mistaken,
or is this the plot to Gilligan's Island?
Michael, you are acting
as if I have some control over this.
Well, I don't. So, I think you could
make a little effort to understand.
Understand?
I'll tell you what I understand.
I understand that this morning
I had a home, a wardrobe and a fiance.
And now all I gotta do
is go out and find a new home,
new wardrobe and maybe a new...
Don't you dare
toss your juvenile threats at me.
I happen to be
in the middle of a family crisis.
And if that just inconveniences you
a little, well, too bad.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine!
- Fine!
Would you like your stupid ring back?
Stupid?
A little surfer on a board.
It's a good thing you're not a plumber.
I'd be walking around
with a toilet bowl on my hand.
Fine. I'll find someone...
who will appreciate it.
Well, pick a girl with a sense of humor,
because she'll have to enjoy a good joke.
Hey, Ma,
am I now officially
a troubled child from a broken home?
No! Your father will be back.
He was pretty steamed.
Trust me on this one.
Your father and I
have been together a long time.
I know what he's gonna do before he does.
And he'll be back.
I know that in my heart.
You know, you're awful sweet, Mom.
And then, I'll make him suffer.
Bartender! Another drink, little buddy.
Don't call me that.
I hate being called that.
Ooh, don't get bent.
You know, you look familiar to me.
Have we met?
I don't think so.
I've been away for a long time.
- Oh. Prison?
- No, worse than that.
There were chicks,
but you couldn't touch "em.
Wanna hear about it?
Mmm. No.
Another drink!
Don't you think
you ought to slow down now, tiger?
I'm having fun.
Annette says I can't have any fun.
Are you fun?
Honey, I'm an amusement park.
Mom, will you stop having
such a good time? It's annoying.
I've been told that.
I just think everything will turn out.
How do you know that?
I don't know. I'm just lucky, I guess.
I believe in happy endings.
Maybe you don't understand
exactly what went down today.
You and your husband...
My mother and father...
Have separated.
Me and my fianc have split up.
In less than six hours,
our lives have been shattered.
Any suggestions?
Mm-hmm. A pajama party!
Oh, yeah!
All right! A pajama party!
Hey.
Love your pajamas, Annette.
Hey!
Zed! Leave her alone!
Hey, that's my mother! That's my mother!
Help! Help! Help!
Get out of here, you...
Connie, can I ask you one question?
I've been waiting 20 years.
What the hell is a kahuna, anyway?
Is it good to have a big one?
Why don't I ever learn?
Give him another drink.
Another drink!
- Heavy on the fruit.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, I lived with a guy for years,
a real genius.
He could take a couple of these,
a couple of coconuts,
a piece of string,
and make a nuclear reactor.
But he couldn't fix
a two-foot hole in a boat.
You wanna hear the rest?
No!
Maybe the Midwest is for me.
Dad went out that night
and drank enough Stunned Mullets
to kill a plow horse.
He's never been a big drinker.
You're about to see why.
- All right, dudes! Seven o'clock!
- Wake up, guys!
Racing crazy! Come on!
- Okay, let's do this!
- Surf's up!
Dudes, dudes, it's totally gnarly!
Mountain surf report! Zuma!
Whoa! Dude!
Eight-foot faces, offshore winds, bro!
Mountain surf report! Dume!
Dume's totally maxed out!
Dude, get on your boards!
County line,
we got three to six in the cage,
sun's out set!
Mountain surf report.
No! Webby, Webby. Dude, it's your mom.
I can't talk now, man! I gotta surf!
Sorry, ma'am. He's dead.
Malibu. Uh...
Malibu's not really happening now, dude.
Check me tomorrow, all right?
Hey, shine those spots, dude!
It's totally shredded right here!
Come on, dudes! Let's crank it!
Wipe out!
Let's go!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, my head.
Hey, good morning.
Wrong.
- Am I dead?
- No.
I feel dead.
Where am I?
You're at my friend Mountain's place.
We tried to figure out
where to take you last night,
but you kept saying,
"Why-oh, why-oh, why-oh
did I ever leave Ohio?"
No! What a damn good question.
Why did I leave?
Well, I gotta get out of here.
I gotta get out...
I gotta go back to the hotel.
I gotta get out of these clothes.
I gotta find Annette.
Oh, I gotta...
I gotta...
What is that?
It's a little pick-me-up.
Keith Richards lives on these.
- Keith?
- Richards.
Richards?
The Rolling Stones. Trust me.
Wow!
I love it!
I feel great. Oh, boy.
Am I forever in your debt.
Say, can I get you a used Ford Fairlane
or something?
No.
But would you mind
if I married your daughter?
It's you! It's you!
- Have you been sleeping with my daughter?
- Hey! Hey! Hey!
Why don't you ask Sandi?
Because I can't break her legs.
Back in the Dark Ages
when you were a teener,
you must've slept with Sandi's mom.
As a matter of fact,
only on our honeymoon!
Oh, I saw her yesterday,
and you must've tried.
Never!
- Oh, come on.
- Well, maybe sometime.
- I'm a guy.
- All right! Every waking minute.
Come on, dude!
There. That's better. Now go swimming.
- No.
- Why not?
I've got my reasons.
- Bobby.
- Yeah, Ma?
What is that on your chest?
It's the bloody surf demon
on the beach of despair and I love it.
It represents my disgust
toward the world you grown-ups made,
and I'll never, never, never wash it off.
Well, I think it's so cute.
It's like one of those adorable Smurfs,
isn't it?
I'm going swimming.
What are you looking at?
Is that him, Michael?
Yeah, but now he's acting
as if we never even met.
Oh, Mom, I miss him. What am I gonna do?
Well, I know what I would do.
Mom, it's the middle of the day.
We'd look a little silly
in our pajamas now.
No, not that.
But I like what you're thinking.
Okay. I'm gonna paint you a picture, okay?
I see this guy sitting over there.
And your father is sitting,
let's say, over here.
Okay? Now listen carefully, girls.
This is what I would do.
Nice setup.
It's good to see you again.
Sit. Sit.
So, what were you saying?
I said nice setup.
Oh, thank you.
You got a nice setup yourself.
Wow. What a charming remark.
You really know how to talk to a gal.
Well...
I know women.
I've heard that a lot.
You really have a lot of nice stuff here.
Yeah, why, thank you.
You know what they say.
You can tell the men from the boys
by the price of their toys.
So, um...
how's that, uh, little husband of yours?
Oh, let's not worry about him.
My name's Annette.
Troy.
Well, Troy, let's cut the small talk.
Okay.
How would you like to take me out tonight,
impress me by throwing your money around...
...get me drunk and back to your place?
Wait... Wait a minute.
- Have we gone out before?
- No.
No?
Toodles.
"Toodles"?
Okay. Okay, big guy, okay, okay.
Now, that's what I would've done
if your father had been there.
It would've driven him nuts.
He would've walked up, punched the guy
and then kissed me.
Possibly with an open mouth.
Are you sure about this?
Well, you were born, weren't you?
Well, Mom's theory was swell,
except Dad wasn't exactly
the two-fisted stud she remembered.
Good morning, tiger.
He hightailed it
straight to Daddy-o's and Connie.
And how is Mr. Excitement
this morning, huh?
You look like...
Connie really dug Dad,
and there wasn't anything
she wouldn't do for him.
Anyway, how are you fixed for bread?
No, no. I'm fine. I'm fine.
- That's bull. Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.
"Mom"? "Mom"?
What does that mean, "Mom"?
Well, figure it out, tiger.
Can you add?
- Well, now wait a second.
- Mm-hmm.
If you're his mom, and he's, like, 22,
that means he could be my...
Get real. We never did anything.
- We didn't?
- No.
I thought we did.
You mean, you can't remember
if we did anything or not?
Boy, you really know
how to flatter a girl, don't you?
I had Michael with my first husband, Spud.
Spud?
Spud.
Spud.
Spud! Oh, Spud.
Oh, geez. Spud?
Yes, and he was not square.
Spud? Oh, no.
You didn't marry Spud, did you?
Yeah. Come on. You're ragging on my dad.
What? No, no, no. I didn't mean that.
No, no, no. Forgive me.
So, you got this cherry bomb, right?
But you don't want to be around
when it goes off,
'cause then you'll get blamed, right?
- Right?
- Right!
So dig. You take this baby,
and you put this sucker
in the women's john.
Three minutes later, bam!
Chicks flying everywhere.
You are a true genius.
Yeah.
I know that.
So what do you say we do some damage
to my dad's American Express card?
- All right.
- Yeah.
I really like this kid.
Now, look, man, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna tell Sandi I was an idiot
and apologize.
Michael, Michael, Michael, wait a minute!
You're making a bigger mistake.
Okay. So what do I do?
Yeah, what's he gonna do?
I'll tell you what you do.
You trick them. You trick them.
You convince them
that you're having the time of your life,
while they're sitting there
depressed and miserable.
Yeah!
- Cool idea!
- That's right.
Do you girls know how to Jamaica Ska?
Jamaica what?
Yeah, sure, Annette.
It's a required course at our college.
Well, do you know how to Jamaica Ska?
Fun! Fun! We're having fun!
Yeah!
Yeah! Ha-ha!
Wait, where are you going?
We love you, Annette!
When Mom got depressed, she sang.
When Dad got depressed,
he went back o selling,
and I mean anything on wheels.
Hey, dude!
Hey! You believe this?
The heavens open,
everybody splits from the beach,
and I wind up making 18 bucks for the day.
All right. Good work.
Yeah, good work? Eighteen bucks?
I got socks that cost more than that.
Really?
I think you got screwed on that deal.
This is what you do for a living, huh?
Hey! All right!
I do this because I love it.
I don't do it for a living.
That's too bad. They're good.
I mean, they look real good.
Not as good as the long wooden boards
I used to ride, but...
Yeah, if you like riding around
on a coffee table.
Well, I'll tell you what,
you'll do all right.
You got some style.
This looks like it's gonna be a beauty.
- Hey.
- All right.
Bet you these would be easy to sell, huh?
I can just see this.
Marketing, that's what it needs.
- California. Then we go nationwide.
- Why would I wanna do that?
No, what are you gonna do?
You're going to just give them away?
That's what I do.
I don't believe that.
Hey, listen, if I were a young guy
that was thinking about getting married,
I'd be thinking about
making some extra bucks.
I'd be thinking about maybe a steady job,
instead of being a deadbeat.
Yeah? So I could become
so involved in making money
that I could totally ignore my family?
All right, kid. So you got a point.
But I just think that if you could
make money doing something you love,
I mean, people just dream about
that kind of thing.
Yeah?
Well, how do we go about selling these?
I mean, if I want to.
- Selling?
- Yeah. Maybe.
- You're asking me about selling?
- Yeah.
Let me tell you, kid,
you've come to the right guy.
Let me tell you about selling.
We've got boards... all kinds of boards.
We've got long boards,
we've got tall boards.
Michael, it's hard not to miss a woman
who's been in a good mood for 22 years.
We gotta get together again.
I'm miserable without her.
Boy, back in the old days,
that was really something.
You know what we'd do?
We'd throw the biggest bonfire
on the beach,
slow dancing, moonlight.
I'd kiss Annette up against a rock.
We'd forgive each other, no worries,
no problems, no winners, no losers.
That's it. That's it. Let's do it.
A big beach bash.
Uh... We've tried.
The harbormaster we've got
won't allow any permits after dark.
No permit, no party.
Michael, Michael. I thought
I taught you more about salesmanship.
Tomorrow, we go and see
that Nazi harbormaster...
We'll kick his butt.
No. We see
what a little schmoozing can do.
You're the harbormaster, right?
No, I'm the captain of the Love Boat.
Of course I'm the harbormaster.
And don't tell me
you came here for a party permit.
Can't we get a permit?
I asked you not to tell me that.
See? Come on.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Flattery, flattery.
Right.
You know, sir,
putting those ships in those bottles,
that's got to take a lot of patience,
intelligence, skill, and talent.
I bought this for a buck
from a nine-year-old girl.
Wow! Shrewd, and thrifty, too.
May I say you're uncanny?
Yes. Well, I can't stand here all day
and chew the fat.
The yacht races are about to begin.
- Wait. Interests. Interests.
- All right. Okay.
So you like sailing, huh?
"Like sailing"? "Like sailing"?
Sailing is my life.
Would you believe that I own
the biggest yacht in the world?
I find that hard to believe.
Would you believe, the biggest tugboat?
I don't think so.
How about a broken oar?
Sir, if I could just convince you
that this party will be good, clean fun...
No, no, no,
there will be no beach parties.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Forget parties. We don't want a party.
Yeah! We've polled
all the seaside communities,
trying to select the, uh... the, uh...
Harbormaster of the Year!
I won?
Well...
Missed it by that much.
No. Uh, you won! Yeah.
There's a trophy and a ceremony,
and we'd like you to say a few words.
Yes, well,
I would like to say a few words,
but I just don't know
what to say, except...
It's about time.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe they'd have a party
and not invite us.
I obviously haven't taught you
a thing, have I?
Well, you did try to teach me
how to get my hair real stiff.
Oh, and then there was
that whole peanut butter thing.
No, I'm talking serious men things.
This party is for us.
Your father wants to make up.
He's sending me a signal.
- He burns things?
- Uh-huh.
I'm really glad you guys came.
We haven't been introduced.
I'm Annette.
Sorry.
It's nice to finally meet you, Michael.
Yeah? Thanks.
So, you surf, Michael?
Yeah.
- Anything else?
- No.
There is something else.
I make and sell surfboards.
Best boards on the beach.
No, no. You make boards.
You don't sell them.
That's too straight for you, remember?
Hey, I sold seven of them today.
Yeah. Your dad told me
a little something about responsibility.
If a guy is thinking about
getting married...
You know, I... I really like
yours and Sandi's place, but...
I think, um, I'm gonna want
a little privacy tonight,
so I'm moving out.
You can have the place to yourself.
If you'll excuse me,
I've got to find my husband.
See you later, Mom.
You, uh...
You look really pretty, Sandi.
Thank you.
Connie, I gotta tell you,
you got a great kid.
Ah, yeah.
Yeah, I guess I got lucky, huh?
What lucky? Are you kidding?
Don't give me that bad-girl jazz.
You got a good, clean heart.
You always have.
Well, maybe.
I'll tell you something, I sure would have
soiled it some for you, pal.
Aw. If it wasn't Annette, Connie,
then you.
- Aw, thanks, Kahuna.
- Give me a smooch.
I'm so glad you came.
How low can you go?
Yeah. How low can you go?
Hiya, hon!
Come dance, huh?
Oh, you're looking special tonight,
which is quite a coincidence
because I, too,
am looking special tonight.
Troy, do you surf?
Do I surf?
Do I surf? I'm sure.
Does Dolly Parton float?
Does Oprah Winfrey eat?
Does Michael Jackson have flammable hair?
Do you ever shut up?
Come on.
Well, this is a terrific turnout
you've got here.
- Uh, what time does the ceremony begin?
- What ceremony?
Look, don't mind him.
Uh, surfer, boards.
Gets hit in the head a lot.
Hey, you look great!
Absolutely correct.
You better tell him.
Ooh, again with the foot.
Bridgette. Bridgette. Get Bridgette.
Well, now, about the ceremony,
when does it begin?
Well, you see, what happened...
There is no ceremony.
- Well... Exactly...
- No trophy?
This whole thing is a hoax!
I hate it. I hate it a lot!
I have been tricked, and there is nothing,
nothing that you can do
to stop the pain and disappointment.
- Hi.
- This helps.
I'm Bridgette,
and you're too sexy for words.
Why don't we go somewhere dark and quiet,
but not too far for me to scream for help.
She's got asthma.
Well, what the hell, it's late.
I can't believe it. My wife.
I just cannot believe it.
I don't believe it either.
How do you explain it?
After all that surfing,
her hair perfectly dry.
I made a bonfire,
and you're supposed to know
what it means when I burn stuff.
I know what it means,
and I thought you know what it means too.
Until I saw you hugging that woman again.
Oh, come on. I wanna talk to you.
Hey, wait... wait... wait...
Wait a minute there, shorty!
I don't think the lady
wants to go with you.
Shorty? You're calling me shorty?
You're in for a lot of trouble.
I'm in a lot of trouble?
Your shoelace is untied.
- He's out cold!
- Bad Troy!
How very, very mature. You are so stupid!
Stupid? You wanna talk stupid?
He's not even wearing shoes!
All right. That's it. I've had enough.
You can have him if you want him.
I'd like to have him,
but I do have one rule, you know.
I don't want anybody that doesn't want me.
Oh, please. Every time I turn around,
he's got you cornered
like a marine on R & R.
Nettie, please. You know as well as I do,
I never get the good guy.
I'm the bad girl, remember?
Besides, every time he's got me cornered,
he's talking about you.
This guy loves you so much.
And if I were a goody two-shoes like you,
I would get my ass over there
and get that guy.
You know, I've always sort of wanted
to be the bad girl.
Impossible.
But I'll tell you something.
You sure have wasted
an incredible pair of hooters.
You're looking pretty gloomy there, tiger.
Well, from stupid to gloomy,
at least it's a step up.
Oh, come on, honey.
According to my scorecard,
we're just about even now.
Did you say even?
Yeah. No winners.
- No losers?
- Yeah.
Oh, Annette.
You know, I've been thinking about us.
All the good times we used to have here.
I mean, we used to have
a hell of a lot of fun on this beach.
Oh, honey, we still can.
Well, come on, you guys.
That's enough. The show is over.
Hey, gang. Look who's here!
Pee-wee!
Come on, what's the word?
Everybody!
Clap your hands!
Gnarly!
Radical!
Surfin' bird!
That's the word!
Yeah!
Hang ten!
Ah, wipeout!
Let's hang nine!
Tubular!
Hey, dude!
Bitchin'!
Pee-wee!
Goodbye, Pee-wee!
Wipeout!
Boy, great dinner.
Uh-oh. Here we go again.
Dinner, and now the surf story.
Hey, I don't get it, dude.
All the time you've been here,
you haven't been in the ocean once.
- Yeah, why not?
- No, I don't go in the ocean anymore.
Yeah, but you were
the hottest surfer on the beach.
I mean, you were the Big Caboose.
Kahuna.
Which is extra cool, 'cause you look like
an Italian loan shark.
Well, it doesn't make any sense.
Nobody just decides not to surf again.
It's like deciding not to breathe anymore.
- Yeah!
- You better tell them the surf story.
All right, I will.
I know all of you have heard of
the Humunga Cowabunga from down unda.
No!
No? Oh, well, let me tell you what it is.
It's this huge, enormous wave
that rolls in from Australia
- and it's so big that...
- Annette, Annette, Annette.
This is my story.
And you tell it well. Just speed it up.
Okay, thanks.
Now, you see, this one particular day,
I'm out in the break.
The weather is absolutely crummy.
I'm all alone. Then suddenly,
black clouds start to gather.
I hear this rumble.
I look over my shoulder...
...and I see, on the horizon,
the biggest mother wave
I have ever seen in my entire life.
He gets up on it,
but it's too big. It closes over him.
Smash! It's the biggest wipeout
anyone's ever seen.
He washes up on the beach
and we thought he was dead.
He was in a coma for weeks,
and he never surfed again.
End of story.
Oh, dude!
Thanks, honey. I think they get the point.
But that's because you tell it so well.
Eat sand, lame-o's!
Bobby, you get down from there
right this instant.
My name isn't Bobby anymore.
I've got my gang name. Call me Surly.
Shirley? Your name is Shirley?
Bobby is a tougher name than Shirley.
Not Shirley. It's Surly. Surly!
God! Man, I'm changing my gang name.
My new gang name is...
Knife. Call me Knife.
Nice? You want us to call you Nice?
Okay!
Nice hairstyle, Nice.
It's not Nice! It's not Nice!
Man, just forget it. Call me Bobby.
Bobby, you're getting mixed up
with the wrong crowd here.
He's more than mixed up with us.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm president of the wrong crowd.
Yeah, we elected him this morning
after we bought these bikes
with your credit card.
Yeah!
Hey, Zed...
you're not invited to this party.
Well, that's why I'm here, septic breath.
Hold me back, Sand..
I'm stopping this party!
You and your people are on my beach.
- And I am god here, right?
- Yeah!
Yeah!
All right, all right, wait a second.
This has become a territorial dispute.
Why don't we settle it like we used to do
back in the good ol' days, huh?
- Pajama party?
- We'll surf for it.
- Winner takes the beach.
- Yeah!
- You got it!
- You get your best guy...
- That's me.
- Yeah!
- ...against our best guy.
- Yeah. Who's our best guy?
- You!
- Oh, yeah, right.
Okay, cool. Tomorrow morning, dude.
I'm gonna thrash your butt.
Yeah? Well, I'll tell you what.
Until then, this is our beach.
Yeah!
- Let's ride, gang!
- Yeah!
Bundle up!
Mike.
Michael, you've gotta win big tomorrow.
What's the matter?
That must hurt.
Ouch! It does!
Well, now what are we going to do?
Okay, folks!
This surf-off is gonna consist
of three rides.
And the contestants are gonna be judged
by style and originality.
The winner and their friends are gonna
have the right to the entire beach.
Yeah!
Yeah... Yeah!
Zed! Zed! Zed! Zed!
Zed! Zed! Zed! Zed!
Well, you must represent darkness,
evil and godless communism.
You forgot ugly, lazy, and disrespectful.
Yeah! Yeah!
Where's Michael?
Well, due to an unfortunate circumstance,
you're going to be competing with Robin.
Robin? She can't even swim!
Go figure.
This is gonna be
a very, very short contest.
Yeah!
No, it won't.
It's the Big Potata!
That's Kahuna.
Yeah!
Yeah!
You're putting me on.
You're not a surfer anymore.
You live in Ohio. You sell Fords.
What are you gonna ride, a Mustang?
Oh, yeah?
Well, how about this?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
That's not a board. It's a pier!
Dad, you'll get killed on that. A lot.
Bobby, get over here now.
And I mean now, mister, or I'm gonna
pull your smart little lips off.
Yipes!
Now, sit down and shut up.
You know, you're crazy, old man.
Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell you a story.
You see, I used to be...
The primo surfer in the whole state,
the Big Kahuna.
He's ridden waves
that you wouldn't photograph.
If he does this today,
it'll give him back his pride,
his courage, the respect of his son,
and put the zip back in his marriage.
Thanks, gang.
- Or, he might die.
- Yeah.
Okay. Let's see how good you really are.
All right!
Let the games begin!
- Kahuna!
- Kahuna!
- Are you sure you're okay?
- I'm fine, honey.
All I need is a nice few waves out there
that are nice and quiet and...
I gotta go home.
Oh, no! You can do it. I know you can.
- Go get 'em, Kahuna.
- Hey, wait up!
Excuse us.
- Hey.
- Careful.
Listen, you gotta remember,
stay in your crouch
until the wave tells you to get up.
And lead the board.
Don't let the board lead you.
And I promise, I'll raise Bobby
as if he were my own son.
Go get 'em, Dad.
Kahuna!
Kahuna! Kahuna! Kahuna! Kahuna!
Kahuna! Kahuna! Kahuna! Kahuna!
Kahuna! Kahuna! Kahuna!
Kahuna! Kahuna!
Stay in your pouch. Stay in your crouch.
Get to the close to the board.
What did he say? I forgot!
Kahuna! Kahuna! Kahuna!
I guess this was a bad idea.
Well, Jerry, it was well-performed.
It moved quickly,
and the ending was exciting and original.
I give it an eight. Thumbs up.
Well, as usual, Tony, I totally disagree.
I found the entire ride
stiff and uninspired.
The ending was anticlimactic.
I gave it a six. Thumbs down.
It made me want to leave the beach.
If he won't take a wave, we can't win.
Well, maybe he's just waiting
for a bigger one.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah, that's it.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, no.
I don't believe it.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God! It can't be!
Mom, what is it?
It's the Humunga Cowabunga...
From down unda.
Oh, no!
Holy shit!
Dude! Come in! You're gonna get messed up!
You're gonna eat dirt from China!
Come in, dude!
Dude, you're crazy!
You're gonna get killed!
I've gotta go after him!
No, Michael, you can't!
He'll get wiped.
But I'm the reason he's out there!
Somebody do something!
No!
It's too late.
Cowabunga!
Go, Pop, go!
Come on, Dad! Come on!
Yeah! Yeah!
Wow! Not bad!
All right!
All right!
Yeah!
What a guy! I could have done that.
Now, that's the kind of ride we'd hoped
for the Big Kahuna on his comeback.
I give that ride an unqualified ten.
I couldn't agree more, Tony.
The Big Kahuna is back.
I also gave him a ten on that last ride.
Well, folks, there you have it.
The winner, and still the Big Crapola!
Kahuna!
Kahuna!
Gee, Dad turned out to be
pretty cool and was my new hero.
Mom was even happier than usual,
and Sandi and Michael
decided on a Christmas wedding.
I decided the hair helmet
was the look for me.
Thank you!
And who said you can never go home again?
It wasn't me.
- All right, go! Oh, yeah!
- All right, Dad!
We never had this much fun on the island.
I don't suppose
you wanna hear about it, huh?
I'd love to. It sounds fascinating.
So, that's the whole story.
I just thank God it's all over.
I think you're very brave.
Well, I know I just met you,
but I love you.
Would you be my main squeeze?
I never thought you'd ask!
We've got to shove off, little buddy.
Oh, no, not you! Not now!
I'm sorry. It's time to go.
Now, we'll be back real soon.
It's only a three-hour tour.
It's never a three-hour tour.
- Come on, little buddy, let's go!
- No!
Are we the corniest couple
you've ever seen, or what?
Twenty-five years ago, my parents were
the most popular teenagers in America.
It's true. My dad was a teen idol.
Girls threw themselves at him.
Unfortunately, this was 1962,
and he had to throw them back.
When Dad wasn't singing,
he spent his life on a surfboard.
They called him the Big Kahuna.
When I was born,
Dad wanted to call me Little Kahuna.
Luckily, he settled for Bobby.
As for Mom, she joined that strange cult
called the Mouseketeers.
Hi, Mouseketeers. I'm Annette.
She became the first pinup queen
for boys under 12.
Anyhow, they got married and moved to Ohio
right after the accident.
Don't get them started
on the surf accident.
Around our house,
we have this nightly ritual.
It's called
"dinner, and then the accident story."
Let me spare you this.
Twenty years ago, while surfing,
this humongous wave
knocked the Kahuna right out of Dad,
and he's never been the same since.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
The hair. Did you wet the hair?
Don't wet the hair, please.
Try to get the water here, okay?
Jamie, is my hair okay? Good. Okay.
Okay. Hi! Need a car?
This is my dad now.
The closest he gets to the ocean
these days
is when he plays the Surf King
in order to sell cars on TV.
...your next car, but you know what?
Yup, the Big Kahuna
now owns Friendly Ford,
the largest dealership in Ohio.
- How's it going? Alan...
- It means he worries a lot,
works longer hours than a coal miner
and can be pretty grouchy sometimes.
Fleishman, Fleishman, massage this baby
and make her look pretty like the rest.
What's the matter with you guys?
Its not that he's a creep or anything.
I Think Dad just forgot how to have fun.
This is our house in Ohio,
and this is my mom now.
She's still the most cheerful person
on Earth,
although she did develop
this one little quirk.
Bobby! Come get your lunch.
As for me,
I developed a serious identity crisis
and was at the breaking point.
I Couldn't live like this anymore.
One day, I cracked.
It was time to confront Mom
with her problem.
I'm afraid.
You're afraid of lunch?
Bobby, no one's afraid of lunch.
I am.
Because I know exactly, unfailingly
and with absolute certainty
what's in there.
It's been in there every day of my life.
It's peanut butter, isn't it, Mom?
Isn't it?
Well, you know, I believe it is.
What do you mean, "I believe it is"?
Of course it is.
You know there's peanut butter in there.
It's like a sick kind of fixation
with you.
Well, it's good for you. You need it.
No, Ma. You need oxygen.
I don't know how to break this to you,
but peanut butter is not one of
the elements essential to human life.
Wait a minute. Let me get this straight.
Are you saying
that you don't like peanut butter?
Ma, I'm just saying I need a change.
Something different once in a while.
A little variety.
Well, why didn't you just say so?
Tomorrow, you get the chunky.
If was useless. I was stressed.
Dad was developing
some serious stress problems, too,
from his relentless obsession
with selling, selling, selling.
What are all the salesmen doing, sleeping?
And although
Mom wouldn't recognize stress
if it jumped up and bit her,
she was also getting pretty weird
from spending so much time shopping,
shopping, and, yes, that's right,
more shopping.
Something had to give.
After 15 years, Dad sensed trouble
and finally realized
we all needed a break.
A vacation?
So, we're off to Hawaii,
A fun place for a kid
who only wears black.
Hey, babe, how about a Cuervo Gold?
Now, you know I can't do that,
but would you like
a little junior pilot pin?
Whoop-de-do.
Maybe I should just pin it to your cheek.
Bobby, dear,
I hope you're not being any trouble.
That hair. That smile. Those...
You're Annette! Oh, God.
It must be so wonderful being you.
Why, yes, it is.
And you're the Big Chihuahua!
Kahuna. But that's way back in the past.
Now I'm a stressed-out car salesman.
Say, would you like to hear
about an accident I once had?
Oh, no.
I'll pass.
Geez, I wish I could call the office
and find out what's going on.
Oh, don't think about work now,
sweetheart.
Just concentrate on relaxing
and having fun again.
Oh, Annette, I want to.
It's just, I hope I remember how.
There's one thing I do remember.
How much I love you.
But the years have hardened me, Annette.
They've certainly hardened your hair.
- Well, I've got you this time...
- Honey! Don't.
It's all right. I was just fixing his hat.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we'll be serving dinner
in our main cabin shortly.
For those of you who ordered
special meals, good move.
Great. Dinner!
Bobby, did I ever tell you
the time when I was surfing?
See, what did I tell you?
Dinner, and then the accident story.
Dad, does the phrase "get over it"
mean anything to you?
Yeah? Well, does the expression
"a rap in the mouth" mean anything to you?
- I'm gonna...
- Honey!
He keeps needling me.
- Do not.
- Do too.
- Not!
- Too!
Stop it, boys. I don't want this to happen
when we get to Los Angeles.
I thought we were going to Hawaii.
But we're stopping in LA
to see your sister, Sandi.
- Sand..
- No, Dad, don't.
My little baby, my honey-bunny,
my lambie-wambie.
- She's the apple of my eye.
- This is why we don't travel.
Whoo-hoo!
I hope the bags don't take too long.
We've only got a ten-hour layover.
That's perfect. Oh, there it is. Here.
- Where's the movie stars?
- What?
I thought LA was supposed to be
loaded with movie stars,
rock 'n' rollers, celebrities.
Oh, honey,
that's just what all Midwesterners think.
LA is just like any other place.
Excuse me, ma'am,
but I believe this is my bag.
Oh, I'm sorry. Of course.
Mine's leatherette and this seems to be...
Pigskin. Thank you very much.
Hey, Mom, you know who that was?
No, honey, who?
That was...
Nah, I guess I was wrong.
Oh, sorry.
We're not in right now,
but leave a message
and we'll get back to you
as soon as we can. Okay? Bye.
Hi, Sandi, this is your father.
Your mother and I
are at the airport here in LA.
Now, we got a couple of hours
and we thought we'd see your new place.
Uh, when you say, "We're not in,
uh, who exactly is "'we"?
Look at it, honey. The ocean!
Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it?
It smells kind of funny, don't you think?
Yeah. It smells like the ocean.
What did Sandi say?
I didn't talk to her. I got the machine.
She said, "We're not in."
Now, what do you think that means,
"We're not in"?
Wild guess?
I think it means she's not in.
Boy, it's quite a piece of dialogue
when you two intellectual giants
get together.
- I should be writing this down.
- This kid's starting to bug me, Annette.
- Oh, I know, honey...
- I'm telling you. Bobby, that's enough.
- That's enough. Now cut it out.
- Don't start anything.
Now, come on. Just relax.
Okay, but here's my point,
she didn't say, "I'm not in."
She said, "We're not in."
"We." You see? "We."
Now, what does "we" mean?
I believe it's the plural form,
indicating more than one.
Do you want me
to conjugate that for you, Pop?
Do you know what conjugate means, Dad?
Conjugate?
I'd like to conjugate you
in the back of the head with a rock.
- Don't! That's enough.
- He's driving me nuts.
That's enough. I'm sure Sandi is fine.
Can't we enjoy
being back on the beach again?
- Okay, okay.
- Please.
- Just one time I'd like to...
- No!
- Just once, just once.
- No! Stop it. Stop it.
Oh, look, honey. It's our old beach.
Yeah. Big deal.
Oh, and remember this? It was our song.
Hey, the radio has a dial, you know.
Sing with me, honey.
Come on, honey, I'm not in the mood.
- Oh, please?
- I can't. I'm driving, okay?
I mean, I gotta concentrate.
Thanks. I owe you one there, Dad.
Sandi, you keep leaving the soap
on the shower floor,
and it keeps getting gross and squishy,
and then it just disappears.
This was my favorite soap on a rope,
and look at this. It's just rope.
Gosh, Michael,
what a gut-wrenching tragedy.
Uh, get Jerry Lewis on the phone.
Let's get a telethon going.
- Okay. I'm sorry I've gotta do this...
- No!
...but I'm with the smart-ass police.
You're a repeat offender,
and in clear violation.
And now you go out the window!
What are you writing?
A letter to my folks.
Yeah? Well, I'll bet
I'm not mentioned in that one, either.
That's right. Oh, Michael, I'm sorry.
My dad is a nice guy, a good provider,
cruelly handsome, kind of a weird dresser,
but in the last few years,
he's just become
the teeniest bit conservative.
What number did you say?
That's 64, 68. I don't get it.
Do you mean to tell me
that our daughter is living on a pier?
Sandi lives on a pier?
Well, if I recall, one summer,
you lived under a pier.
Annette, honey, I am not my daughter.
You figured that out
all by yourself, Pop?
- Bobby!
- Stop it.
Well, I think living on a pier
is adorable.
Adorable? It's strange.
Weird things happen on a pier.
When you say,
"We're not in," uh, who exactly is "'we"?
Michael!
Michael! Oh.
- What?
- Oh.
What's going on?
You got any other clothes?
- No.
- Good.
Oh, I guess those new fall fashions
are coming in.
A bait shop?
She lives on top of a bait shop?
Michael, sweetheart, I love you.
Now get the hell out.
- Is this, like, a chick thing?
- No, it's, like, a parent thing.
Sandi, it's your father!
- Get it?
- Got it.
Good.
Sandi, come on. Open the door!
I'm coming, Dad!
Shh. I think I hear something.
You mean she's making noise
in her own apartment?
They just go nuts in California, huh, Dad?
- Okay, now what, now what?
- I... I don't know.
Okay, look, I do. I do. Look.
We let them in, we tell them.
We get everything out in the open.
And we tell them I love you,
I wanna marry you.
And we trust that as mature adults,
they'll understand us.
Sandi!
Sandi, if you've got a guy in there,
I'm gonna cut off his toes
and sell them to the bait shop!
Listen, this is my house, too,
and I will not be driven out.
Ow! Dad! Ow!
He's battering down the door
with someone's head?
Ow, Dad, my eyes are crossing!
I'm out of here.
Sandi, I've always loved you.
Ow, Dad!
I'm glad to see you. I mean that.
Mom! Dad! Bobby!
What a lovely surprise.
Oh, sweetheart, oh, you look beautiful.
A little thin. Doesn't she look thin?
- She looks guilty. Who was just in here?
- No one.
- Who was just in here?
- I was on the phone. Dad!
Two toothbrushes, aftershave lotion,
and the toilet seat is up. I knew it.
- What was that?
- What was what?
- That thing?
- What thing?
I saw you throw a thing.
Did you see that thing?
I think I saw a thing, but I don't know
what thing I thought I saw.
God, I'm proud. It's like a conversation
at the Kissingers', isn't it?
Ha-ha! Now I get it.
Bobby!
- Honey, what are you doing?
- What am I doing?
It seems to me that your daughter has
developed a serious interest in surfing.
Or surfers. Come on, Bobby.
Honey!
I'll be back.
Sweetheart, is there something
you wanna tell me?
Oh, Mom, that was my boyfriend.
He wants to marry me
and he's been living with me
for six months.
But I didn't think I could tell you
'cause Dad would freak out.
And I don't know what's happening.
I don't know, Mom. What'll I do?
Let's go shopping.
Bobby! Bobby! Slow up.
Attaboy, Bobby. When [ find this guy,
I'm gonna tear him apart.
I'm gonna break his legs.
- I'm gonna break his face.
- Thank you, Dad.
You continue to set
a great example for me.
Bobby, come on, before we lose him.
- I don't believe it, Bobby.
- Pop! Pop!
- Just had him in my sight.
- Pop! Pop!
- I thought I saw him coming up here.
- Pop, Pop, look out!
Almost. Bobby...
Whoopsie-daisy.
"Whoopsie-daisy"?
Well, back in my day, a surfboard...
A surfboard was about nine feet long,
weighed about 50 pounds.
Not like this sissy job.
What?
Yeah, it took a real man
to handle one of those babies.
You know, I think the sport has become
a little bit effeminate, don't you think?
Just for the record,
I have a wildly different opinion.
- I like the kid.
- Yeah.
Great. That means we're hitting it off,
doesn't it?
I don't like the guy with the hair helmet.
Hair? Hair?
You're talking about hair?
You guys get your haircuts
at the Braille Barber College?
Good one, huh, Bobby?
You know,
I bet puberty would've been great.
You are on my beach.
You have done an ugly thing to my board.
These are sins here.
I, Zed, am god here. Right?
Right!
Hey, listen, thanks, babe.
You guys have been great.
We gotta split now.
And thanks for showing us
your little toys. They're really cute.
Hey!
They're really good. Nice.
Nice. Thanks a lot, huh?
- Wait up, guys.
- You know, nice kids.
Pop, you're really aware.
- Hi, hon.
- Hi, Ma.
Hi. Did you boys have a nice time?
We met these really weird-looking guys
and they had really bad attitudes
and were incredibly rude and dangerous.
They wanted to kill us. It was so cool.
Well, as long as you had fun.
Oh, this wind. Sandi, how's my hair?
Oh, it looks great, Mom.
Oh, look.
Let's go in for a second.
Come on, honey, we got a plane to catch.
We used to spend so much time here.
Don't the memories come flooding back?
Mom, Dad, the early years.
Ooh, I'm getting goose bumps.
Mom, I gotta go,
I'm going to be late for work.
Okay.
Oh, look.
Dick Dale's on tonight.
Let's go say hi to Dick.
Honey, we can come back in the year 2000
and say hi to Dick.
Oh, just for a minute.
All right. All right.
But exactly five minutes, okay?
I'll wait in the car.
Dad, it's been a pleasant visit.
Come back real soon, okay?
All right, honey. Okay, I'm coming in.
Parking!
The Big Kahuna!
Edd Byrnes. Wow! How kooky!
You know, they make a drink here
called the Stunned Mullet.
Serve it in a coconut shell.
Well, I once saw a woman
drink one of these,
take off all her clothes
and dance the Pony
right here on this very table.
And your point is?
The point is
I'd like to buy you two of them.
That's very generous of you
in a sleazy kind of way,
but my husband and I
have a plane to catch soon.
Oh, say, hey,
if a dynamite-looking chick like you
was married to
a totally bitchin' dude like me,
you wouldn't be alone for a minute.
Catch my drift?
I dig chicks.
Chicks dig me digging them. Dig?
Hey, slick.
Oh, the name's Troy.
Oh, what a shock.
Troy.
The old Stunned Mullet, huh?
Yeah.
You ought to try ordering
a real drink, slick.
Let's go, Annette.
Bridgette, where were we?
Zebra hunting on the Serengeti, right?
Oh, they glow in the dark.
Wait, I wanna say goodbye to Sandi.
I wanna get out of here right now.
It was a mistake
even getting close to this old beach.
I just wanna get on the plane, okay?
Kahuna!
- Connie?
- Yes! Look at you.
Twenty years later, honey, you are still
the best-looking thing on this beach.
Somebody get me a net!
Bob...
Uh, Connie, you remember Annette, huh?
Well, I didn't mean that kind of a net.
Are you two still dating?
Unfortunately, you look great, too.
Not this great, but great.
Well, I try to take care of myself.
I eat right, and I get plenty of rest.
Of course you do.
That's because you're boring.
I didn't mean that.
Come on, you have to see my shrine.
Uh, honey, we have a plane to catch.
Oh, come on, Annette, there's no rush.
- Hold on. Hold on.
- Come on.
Honey...
Huh? Look.
- I don't believe it.
- Yeah.
You saved all this junk?
Uh-huh. It's not junk to me.
Just some of the memories
of the best times of my life.
You're not an easy guy to forget,
you know.
You're never easy. Period.
Oh, look at this baby picture.
I didn't think anybody would remember me
from those days.
Are you nuts?
You're the Big Kahuna, honey.
- Look, there's your old board.
- Board!
- Huh? Look.
- Hal!
- There's a trunk full of your old clothes.
- You're kidding.
Yeah. Honey, you're a legend in my place.
Annette, look at this.
Connie saved everything
I used to care about.
I don't see a picture of me.
Come on, Nettie, don't be a pill.
You got him. You won.
That's right, honey. You won.
Oh, okay. Well,
we've got a plane to catch. Let's go.
Oh, no, you're not gonna leave
without singing a song.
My husband doesn't sing anymore.
Come on, honey. Just five minutes.
Connie, I wouldn't dream of leaving
this place without singing a song.
Come on, let's go! Let's have some fun.
- Come on, Annette. Let's go!
- Come on!
- Hey, Mom.
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- Mom?
- ...the Big Kahuna!
Let's hear it!
Mom, was I adopted?
And if not, can I be now?
Dick, you know "Venus"?
- "Venus"?
- Yeah.
You're asking me, Dick Dale,
if I know "Venus"?
No.
- No.
- But I know this.
One, two, three, four!
Connie...
Thanks. It was great seeing you again.
Yeah, well, there's more of me to see.
We missed the plane.
Really?
Ooh, how time flies when you're having...
Don't say it.
I've been trying to get you to have fun,
but you didn't seem able
to have any with me, did you?
Come on, Annette, lighten up.
"Lighten up"?
If this marriage gets any lighter,
it'll float.
You sure didn't feel like
singing with me, did you?
Or spending any time with your daughter.
Oh, come on, Annette, don't be ridiculous.
Damn it! I knew we should not have
come back to this beach.
Look, we are going back to Ohio right now.
Are we?
Well, I'm spending time
with my daughter and my son,
and maybe, just maybe,
I'll have a little fun myself.
Yeah!
Annette, I am going home.
Are you coming now?
No.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Then don't come later.
How about never?
All right!
Yeah!
What the hell are you doing?
Oh! What are you doing?
I thought you were my girlfriend.
Don't worry, I won't let it happen again.
Michael. Michael, put some clothes on.
What clothes? Tuna fish
are wearing my clothes, remember?
- Whose luggage is that?
- My mom's.
They're still here?
Yes. She and Bobby.
They're gonna be here any minute.
They had a fight.
Boy, there's a lot of that going around.
We are not having a fight.
- Well, am I sleeping here tonight?
- No.
Well, then we're having a fight.
Michael, my mother's only gonna be here
for a couple of days.
A couple of days?
Oh, well, that is just great.
They start out on a three-hour tour,
and now they're gonna be here
for God knows how long. I mean, what...
Am I mistaken,
or is this the plot to Gilligan's Island?
Michael, you are acting
as if I have some control over this.
Well, I don't. So, I think you could
make a little effort to understand.
Understand?
I'll tell you what I understand.
I understand that this morning
I had a home, a wardrobe and a fiance.
And now all I gotta do
is go out and find a new home,
new wardrobe and maybe a new...
Don't you dare
toss your juvenile threats at me.
I happen to be
in the middle of a family crisis.
And if that just inconveniences you
a little, well, too bad.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine!
- Fine!
Would you like your stupid ring back?
Stupid?
A little surfer on a board.
It's a good thing you're not a plumber.
I'd be walking around
with a toilet bowl on my hand.
Fine. I'll find someone...
who will appreciate it.
Well, pick a girl with a sense of humor,
because she'll have to enjoy a good joke.
Hey, Ma,
am I now officially
a troubled child from a broken home?
No! Your father will be back.
He was pretty steamed.
Trust me on this one.
Your father and I
have been together a long time.
I know what he's gonna do before he does.
And he'll be back.
I know that in my heart.
You know, you're awful sweet, Mom.
And then, I'll make him suffer.
Bartender! Another drink, little buddy.
Don't call me that.
I hate being called that.
Ooh, don't get bent.
You know, you look familiar to me.
Have we met?
I don't think so.
I've been away for a long time.
- Oh. Prison?
- No, worse than that.
There were chicks,
but you couldn't touch "em.
Wanna hear about it?
Mmm. No.
Another drink!
Don't you think
you ought to slow down now, tiger?
I'm having fun.
Annette says I can't have any fun.
Are you fun?
Honey, I'm an amusement park.
Mom, will you stop having
such a good time? It's annoying.
I've been told that.
I just think everything will turn out.
How do you know that?
I don't know. I'm just lucky, I guess.
I believe in happy endings.
Maybe you don't understand
exactly what went down today.
You and your husband...
My mother and father...
Have separated.
Me and my fianc have split up.
In less than six hours,
our lives have been shattered.
Any suggestions?
Mm-hmm. A pajama party!
Oh, yeah!
All right! A pajama party!
Hey.
Love your pajamas, Annette.
Hey!
Zed! Leave her alone!
Hey, that's my mother! That's my mother!
Help! Help! Help!
Get out of here, you...
Connie, can I ask you one question?
I've been waiting 20 years.
What the hell is a kahuna, anyway?
Is it good to have a big one?
Why don't I ever learn?
Give him another drink.
Another drink!
- Heavy on the fruit.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, I lived with a guy for years,
a real genius.
He could take a couple of these,
a couple of coconuts,
a piece of string,
and make a nuclear reactor.
But he couldn't fix
a two-foot hole in a boat.
You wanna hear the rest?
No!
Maybe the Midwest is for me.
Dad went out that night
and drank enough Stunned Mullets
to kill a plow horse.
He's never been a big drinker.
You're about to see why.
- All right, dudes! Seven o'clock!
- Wake up, guys!
Racing crazy! Come on!
- Okay, let's do this!
- Surf's up!
Dudes, dudes, it's totally gnarly!
Mountain surf report! Zuma!
Whoa! Dude!
Eight-foot faces, offshore winds, bro!
Mountain surf report! Dume!
Dume's totally maxed out!
Dude, get on your boards!
County line,
we got three to six in the cage,
sun's out set!
Mountain surf report.
No! Webby, Webby. Dude, it's your mom.
I can't talk now, man! I gotta surf!
Sorry, ma'am. He's dead.
Malibu. Uh...
Malibu's not really happening now, dude.
Check me tomorrow, all right?
Hey, shine those spots, dude!
It's totally shredded right here!
Come on, dudes! Let's crank it!
Wipe out!
Let's go!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, my head.
Hey, good morning.
Wrong.
- Am I dead?
- No.
I feel dead.
Where am I?
You're at my friend Mountain's place.
We tried to figure out
where to take you last night,
but you kept saying,
"Why-oh, why-oh, why-oh
did I ever leave Ohio?"
No! What a damn good question.
Why did I leave?
Well, I gotta get out of here.
I gotta get out...
I gotta go back to the hotel.
I gotta get out of these clothes.
I gotta find Annette.
Oh, I gotta...
I gotta...
What is that?
It's a little pick-me-up.
Keith Richards lives on these.
- Keith?
- Richards.
Richards?
The Rolling Stones. Trust me.
Wow!
I love it!
I feel great. Oh, boy.
Am I forever in your debt.
Say, can I get you a used Ford Fairlane
or something?
No.
But would you mind
if I married your daughter?
It's you! It's you!
- Have you been sleeping with my daughter?
- Hey! Hey! Hey!
Why don't you ask Sandi?
Because I can't break her legs.
Back in the Dark Ages
when you were a teener,
you must've slept with Sandi's mom.
As a matter of fact,
only on our honeymoon!
Oh, I saw her yesterday,
and you must've tried.
Never!
- Oh, come on.
- Well, maybe sometime.
- I'm a guy.
- All right! Every waking minute.
Come on, dude!
There. That's better. Now go swimming.
- No.
- Why not?
I've got my reasons.
- Bobby.
- Yeah, Ma?
What is that on your chest?
It's the bloody surf demon
on the beach of despair and I love it.
It represents my disgust
toward the world you grown-ups made,
and I'll never, never, never wash it off.
Well, I think it's so cute.
It's like one of those adorable Smurfs,
isn't it?
I'm going swimming.
What are you looking at?
Is that him, Michael?
Yeah, but now he's acting
as if we never even met.
Oh, Mom, I miss him. What am I gonna do?
Well, I know what I would do.
Mom, it's the middle of the day.
We'd look a little silly
in our pajamas now.
No, not that.
But I like what you're thinking.
Okay. I'm gonna paint you a picture, okay?
I see this guy sitting over there.
And your father is sitting,
let's say, over here.
Okay? Now listen carefully, girls.
This is what I would do.
Nice setup.
It's good to see you again.
Sit. Sit.
So, what were you saying?
I said nice setup.
Oh, thank you.
You got a nice setup yourself.
Wow. What a charming remark.
You really know how to talk to a gal.
Well...
I know women.
I've heard that a lot.
You really have a lot of nice stuff here.
Yeah, why, thank you.
You know what they say.
You can tell the men from the boys
by the price of their toys.
So, um...
how's that, uh, little husband of yours?
Oh, let's not worry about him.
My name's Annette.
Troy.
Well, Troy, let's cut the small talk.
Okay.
How would you like to take me out tonight,
impress me by throwing your money around...
...get me drunk and back to your place?
Wait... Wait a minute.
- Have we gone out before?
- No.
No?
Toodles.
"Toodles"?
Okay. Okay, big guy, okay, okay.
Now, that's what I would've done
if your father had been there.
It would've driven him nuts.
He would've walked up, punched the guy
and then kissed me.
Possibly with an open mouth.
Are you sure about this?
Well, you were born, weren't you?
Well, Mom's theory was swell,
except Dad wasn't exactly
the two-fisted stud she remembered.
Good morning, tiger.
He hightailed it
straight to Daddy-o's and Connie.
And how is Mr. Excitement
this morning, huh?
You look like...
Connie really dug Dad,
and there wasn't anything
she wouldn't do for him.
Anyway, how are you fixed for bread?
No, no. I'm fine. I'm fine.
- That's bull. Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.
"Mom"? "Mom"?
What does that mean, "Mom"?
Well, figure it out, tiger.
Can you add?
- Well, now wait a second.
- Mm-hmm.
If you're his mom, and he's, like, 22,
that means he could be my...
Get real. We never did anything.
- We didn't?
- No.
I thought we did.
You mean, you can't remember
if we did anything or not?
Boy, you really know
how to flatter a girl, don't you?
I had Michael with my first husband, Spud.
Spud?
Spud.
Spud.
Spud! Oh, Spud.
Oh, geez. Spud?
Yes, and he was not square.
Spud? Oh, no.
You didn't marry Spud, did you?
Yeah. Come on. You're ragging on my dad.
What? No, no, no. I didn't mean that.
No, no, no. Forgive me.
So, you got this cherry bomb, right?
But you don't want to be around
when it goes off,
'cause then you'll get blamed, right?
- Right?
- Right!
So dig. You take this baby,
and you put this sucker
in the women's john.
Three minutes later, bam!
Chicks flying everywhere.
You are a true genius.
Yeah.
I know that.
So what do you say we do some damage
to my dad's American Express card?
- All right.
- Yeah.
I really like this kid.
Now, look, man, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna tell Sandi I was an idiot
and apologize.
Michael, Michael, Michael, wait a minute!
You're making a bigger mistake.
Okay. So what do I do?
Yeah, what's he gonna do?
I'll tell you what you do.
You trick them. You trick them.
You convince them
that you're having the time of your life,
while they're sitting there
depressed and miserable.
Yeah!
- Cool idea!
- That's right.
Do you girls know how to Jamaica Ska?
Jamaica what?
Yeah, sure, Annette.
It's a required course at our college.
Well, do you know how to Jamaica Ska?
Fun! Fun! We're having fun!
Yeah!
Yeah! Ha-ha!
Wait, where are you going?
We love you, Annette!
When Mom got depressed, she sang.
When Dad got depressed,
he went back o selling,
and I mean anything on wheels.
Hey, dude!
Hey! You believe this?
The heavens open,
everybody splits from the beach,
and I wind up making 18 bucks for the day.
All right. Good work.
Yeah, good work? Eighteen bucks?
I got socks that cost more than that.
Really?
I think you got screwed on that deal.
This is what you do for a living, huh?
Hey! All right!
I do this because I love it.
I don't do it for a living.
That's too bad. They're good.
I mean, they look real good.
Not as good as the long wooden boards
I used to ride, but...
Yeah, if you like riding around
on a coffee table.
Well, I'll tell you what,
you'll do all right.
You got some style.
This looks like it's gonna be a beauty.
- Hey.
- All right.
Bet you these would be easy to sell, huh?
I can just see this.
Marketing, that's what it needs.
- California. Then we go nationwide.
- Why would I wanna do that?
No, what are you gonna do?
You're going to just give them away?
That's what I do.
I don't believe that.
Hey, listen, if I were a young guy
that was thinking about getting married,
I'd be thinking about
making some extra bucks.
I'd be thinking about maybe a steady job,
instead of being a deadbeat.
Yeah? So I could become
so involved in making money
that I could totally ignore my family?
All right, kid. So you got a point.
But I just think that if you could
make money doing something you love,
I mean, people just dream about
that kind of thing.
Yeah?
Well, how do we go about selling these?
I mean, if I want to.
- Selling?
- Yeah. Maybe.
- You're asking me about selling?
- Yeah.
Let me tell you, kid,
you've come to the right guy.
Let me tell you about selling.
We've got boards... all kinds of boards.
We've got long boards,
we've got tall boards.
Michael, it's hard not to miss a woman
who's been in a good mood for 22 years.
We gotta get together again.
I'm miserable without her.
Boy, back in the old days,
that was really something.
You know what we'd do?
We'd throw the biggest bonfire
on the beach,
slow dancing, moonlight.
I'd kiss Annette up against a rock.
We'd forgive each other, no worries,
no problems, no winners, no losers.
That's it. That's it. Let's do it.
A big beach bash.
Uh... We've tried.
The harbormaster we've got
won't allow any permits after dark.
No permit, no party.
Michael, Michael. I thought
I taught you more about salesmanship.
Tomorrow, we go and see
that Nazi harbormaster...
We'll kick his butt.
No. We see
what a little schmoozing can do.
You're the harbormaster, right?
No, I'm the captain of the Love Boat.
Of course I'm the harbormaster.
And don't tell me
you came here for a party permit.
Can't we get a permit?
I asked you not to tell me that.
See? Come on.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Flattery, flattery.
Right.
You know, sir,
putting those ships in those bottles,
that's got to take a lot of patience,
intelligence, skill, and talent.
I bought this for a buck
from a nine-year-old girl.
Wow! Shrewd, and thrifty, too.
May I say you're uncanny?
Yes. Well, I can't stand here all day
and chew the fat.
The yacht races are about to begin.
- Wait. Interests. Interests.
- All right. Okay.
So you like sailing, huh?
"Like sailing"? "Like sailing"?
Sailing is my life.
Would you believe that I own
the biggest yacht in the world?
I find that hard to believe.
Would you believe, the biggest tugboat?
I don't think so.
How about a broken oar?
Sir, if I could just convince you
that this party will be good, clean fun...
No, no, no,
there will be no beach parties.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Forget parties. We don't want a party.
Yeah! We've polled
all the seaside communities,
trying to select the, uh... the, uh...
Harbormaster of the Year!
I won?
Well...
Missed it by that much.
No. Uh, you won! Yeah.
There's a trophy and a ceremony,
and we'd like you to say a few words.
Yes, well,
I would like to say a few words,
but I just don't know
what to say, except...
It's about time.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe they'd have a party
and not invite us.
I obviously haven't taught you
a thing, have I?
Well, you did try to teach me
how to get my hair real stiff.
Oh, and then there was
that whole peanut butter thing.
No, I'm talking serious men things.
This party is for us.
Your father wants to make up.
He's sending me a signal.
- He burns things?
- Uh-huh.
I'm really glad you guys came.
We haven't been introduced.
I'm Annette.
Sorry.
It's nice to finally meet you, Michael.
Yeah? Thanks.
So, you surf, Michael?
Yeah.
- Anything else?
- No.
There is something else.
I make and sell surfboards.
Best boards on the beach.
No, no. You make boards.
You don't sell them.
That's too straight for you, remember?
Hey, I sold seven of them today.
Yeah. Your dad told me
a little something about responsibility.
If a guy is thinking about
getting married...
You know, I... I really like
yours and Sandi's place, but...
I think, um, I'm gonna want
a little privacy tonight,
so I'm moving out.
You can have the place to yourself.
If you'll excuse me,
I've got to find my husband.
See you later, Mom.
You, uh...
You look really pretty, Sandi.
Thank you.
Connie, I gotta tell you,
you got a great kid.
Ah, yeah.
Yeah, I guess I got lucky, huh?
What lucky? Are you kidding?
Don't give me that bad-girl jazz.
You got a good, clean heart.
You always have.
Well, maybe.
I'll tell you something, I sure would have
soiled it some for you, pal.
Aw. If it wasn't Annette, Connie,
then you.
- Aw, thanks, Kahuna.
- Give me a smooch.
I'm so glad you came.
How low can you go?
Yeah. How low can you go?
Hiya, hon!
Come dance, huh?
Oh, you're looking special tonight,
which is quite a coincidence
because I, too,
am looking special tonight.
Troy, do you surf?
Do I surf?
Do I surf? I'm sure.
Does Dolly Parton float?
Does Oprah Winfrey eat?
Does Michael Jackson have flammable hair?
Do you ever shut up?
Come on.
Well, this is a terrific turnout
you've got here.
- Uh, what time does the ceremony begin?
- What ceremony?
Look, don't mind him.
Uh, surfer, boards.
Gets hit in the head a lot.
Hey, you look great!
Absolutely correct.
You better tell him.
Ooh, again with the foot.
Bridgette. Bridgette. Get Bridgette.
Well, now, about the ceremony,
when does it begin?
Well, you see, what happened...
There is no ceremony.
- Well... Exactly...
- No trophy?
This whole thing is a hoax!
I hate it. I hate it a lot!
I have been tricked, and there is nothing,
nothing that you can do
to stop the pain and disappointment.
- Hi.
- This helps.
I'm Bridgette,
and you're too sexy for words.
Why don't we go somewhere dark and quiet,
but not too far for me to scream for help.
She's got asthma.
Well, what the hell, it's late.
I can't believe it. My wife.
I just cannot believe it.
I don't believe it either.
How do you explain it?
After all that surfing,
her hair perfectly dry.
I made a bonfire,
and you're supposed to know
what it means when I burn stuff.
I know what it means,
and I thought you know what it means too.
Until I saw you hugging that woman again.
Oh, come on. I wanna talk to you.
Hey, wait... wait... wait...
Wait a minute there, shorty!
I don't think the lady
wants to go with you.
Shorty? You're calling me shorty?
You're in for a lot of trouble.
I'm in a lot of trouble?
Your shoelace is untied.
- He's out cold!
- Bad Troy!
How very, very mature. You are so stupid!
Stupid? You wanna talk stupid?
He's not even wearing shoes!
All right. That's it. I've had enough.
You can have him if you want him.
I'd like to have him,
but I do have one rule, you know.
I don't want anybody that doesn't want me.
Oh, please. Every time I turn around,
he's got you cornered
like a marine on R & R.
Nettie, please. You know as well as I do,
I never get the good guy.
I'm the bad girl, remember?
Besides, every time he's got me cornered,
he's talking about you.
This guy loves you so much.
And if I were a goody two-shoes like you,
I would get my ass over there
and get that guy.
You know, I've always sort of wanted
to be the bad girl.
Impossible.
But I'll tell you something.
You sure have wasted
an incredible pair of hooters.
You're looking pretty gloomy there, tiger.
Well, from stupid to gloomy,
at least it's a step up.
Oh, come on, honey.
According to my scorecard,
we're just about even now.
Did you say even?
Yeah. No winners.
- No losers?
- Yeah.
Oh, Annette.
You know, I've been thinking about us.
All the good times we used to have here.
I mean, we used to have
a hell of a lot of fun on this beach.
Oh, honey, we still can.
Well, come on, you guys.
That's enough. The show is over.
Hey, gang. Look who's here!
Pee-wee!
Come on, what's the word?
Everybody!
Clap your hands!
Gnarly!
Radical!
Surfin' bird!
That's the word!
Yeah!
Hang ten!
Ah, wipeout!
Let's hang nine!
Tubular!
Hey, dude!
Bitchin'!
Pee-wee!
Goodbye, Pee-wee!
Wipeout!
Boy, great dinner.
Uh-oh. Here we go again.
Dinner, and now the surf story.
Hey, I don't get it, dude.
All the time you've been here,
you haven't been in the ocean once.
- Yeah, why not?
- No, I don't go in the ocean anymore.
Yeah, but you were
the hottest surfer on the beach.
I mean, you were the Big Caboose.
Kahuna.
Which is extra cool, 'cause you look like
an Italian loan shark.
Well, it doesn't make any sense.
Nobody just decides not to surf again.
It's like deciding not to breathe anymore.
- Yeah!
- You better tell them the surf story.
All right, I will.
I know all of you have heard of
the Humunga Cowabunga from down unda.
No!
No? Oh, well, let me tell you what it is.
It's this huge, enormous wave
that rolls in from Australia
- and it's so big that...
- Annette, Annette, Annette.
This is my story.
And you tell it well. Just speed it up.
Okay, thanks.
Now, you see, this one particular day,
I'm out in the break.
The weather is absolutely crummy.
I'm all alone. Then suddenly,
black clouds start to gather.
I hear this rumble.
I look over my shoulder...
...and I see, on the horizon,
the biggest mother wave
I have ever seen in my entire life.
He gets up on it,
but it's too big. It closes over him.
Smash! It's the biggest wipeout
anyone's ever seen.
He washes up on the beach
and we thought he was dead.
He was in a coma for weeks,
and he never surfed again.
End of story.
Oh, dude!
Thanks, honey. I think they get the point.
But that's because you tell it so well.
Eat sand, lame-o's!
Bobby, you get down from there
right this instant.
My name isn't Bobby anymore.
I've got my gang name. Call me Surly.
Shirley? Your name is Shirley?
Bobby is a tougher name than Shirley.
Not Shirley. It's Surly. Surly!
God! Man, I'm changing my gang name.
My new gang name is...
Knife. Call me Knife.
Nice? You want us to call you Nice?
Okay!
Nice hairstyle, Nice.
It's not Nice! It's not Nice!
Man, just forget it. Call me Bobby.
Bobby, you're getting mixed up
with the wrong crowd here.
He's more than mixed up with us.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm president of the wrong crowd.
Yeah, we elected him this morning
after we bought these bikes
with your credit card.
Yeah!
Hey, Zed...
you're not invited to this party.
Well, that's why I'm here, septic breath.
Hold me back, Sand..
I'm stopping this party!
You and your people are on my beach.
- And I am god here, right?
- Yeah!
Yeah!
All right, all right, wait a second.
This has become a territorial dispute.
Why don't we settle it like we used to do
back in the good ol' days, huh?
- Pajama party?
- We'll surf for it.
- Winner takes the beach.
- Yeah!
- You got it!
- You get your best guy...
- That's me.
- Yeah!
- ...against our best guy.
- Yeah. Who's our best guy?
- You!
- Oh, yeah, right.
Okay, cool. Tomorrow morning, dude.
I'm gonna thrash your butt.
Yeah? Well, I'll tell you what.
Until then, this is our beach.
Yeah!
- Let's ride, gang!
- Yeah!
Bundle up!
Mike.
Michael, you've gotta win big tomorrow.
What's the matter?
That must hurt.
Ouch! It does!
Well, now what are we going to do?
Okay, folks!
This surf-off is gonna consist
of three rides.
And the contestants are gonna be judged
by style and originality.
The winner and their friends are gonna
have the right to the entire beach.
Yeah!
Yeah... Yeah!
Zed! Zed! Zed! Zed!
Zed! Zed! Zed! Zed!
Well, you must represent darkness,
evil and godless communism.
You forgot ugly, lazy, and disrespectful.
Yeah! Yeah!
Where's Michael?
Well, due to an unfortunate circumstance,
you're going to be competing with Robin.
Robin? She can't even swim!
Go figure.
This is gonna be
a very, very short contest.
Yeah!
No, it won't.
It's the Big Potata!
That's Kahuna.
Yeah!
Yeah!
You're putting me on.
You're not a surfer anymore.
You live in Ohio. You sell Fords.
What are you gonna ride, a Mustang?
Oh, yeah?
Well, how about this?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
That's not a board. It's a pier!
Dad, you'll get killed on that. A lot.
Bobby, get over here now.
And I mean now, mister, or I'm gonna
pull your smart little lips off.
Yipes!
Now, sit down and shut up.
You know, you're crazy, old man.
Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell you a story.
You see, I used to be...
The primo surfer in the whole state,
the Big Kahuna.
He's ridden waves
that you wouldn't photograph.
If he does this today,
it'll give him back his pride,
his courage, the respect of his son,
and put the zip back in his marriage.
Thanks, gang.
- Or, he might die.
- Yeah.
Okay. Let's see how good you really are.
All right!
Let the games begin!
- Kahuna!
- Kahuna!
- Are you sure you're okay?
- I'm fine, honey.
All I need is a nice few waves out there
that are nice and quiet and...
I gotta go home.
Oh, no! You can do it. I know you can.
- Go get 'em, Kahuna.
- Hey, wait up!
Excuse us.
- Hey.
- Careful.
Listen, you gotta remember,
stay in your crouch
until the wave tells you to get up.
And lead the board.
Don't let the board lead you.
And I promise, I'll raise Bobby
as if he were my own son.
Go get 'em, Dad.
Kahuna!
Kahuna! Kahuna! Kahuna! Kahuna!
Kahuna! Kahuna! Kahuna! Kahuna!
Kahuna! Kahuna! Kahuna!
Kahuna! Kahuna!
Stay in your pouch. Stay in your crouch.
Get to the close to the board.
What did he say? I forgot!
Kahuna! Kahuna! Kahuna!
I guess this was a bad idea.
Well, Jerry, it was well-performed.
It moved quickly,
and the ending was exciting and original.
I give it an eight. Thumbs up.
Well, as usual, Tony, I totally disagree.
I found the entire ride
stiff and uninspired.
The ending was anticlimactic.
I gave it a six. Thumbs down.
It made me want to leave the beach.
If he won't take a wave, we can't win.
Well, maybe he's just waiting
for a bigger one.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah, that's it.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, no.
I don't believe it.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God! It can't be!
Mom, what is it?
It's the Humunga Cowabunga...
From down unda.
Oh, no!
Holy shit!
Dude! Come in! You're gonna get messed up!
You're gonna eat dirt from China!
Come in, dude!
Dude, you're crazy!
You're gonna get killed!
I've gotta go after him!
No, Michael, you can't!
He'll get wiped.
But I'm the reason he's out there!
Somebody do something!
No!
It's too late.
Cowabunga!
Go, Pop, go!
Come on, Dad! Come on!
Yeah! Yeah!
Wow! Not bad!
All right!
All right!
Yeah!
What a guy! I could have done that.
Now, that's the kind of ride we'd hoped
for the Big Kahuna on his comeback.
I give that ride an unqualified ten.
I couldn't agree more, Tony.
The Big Kahuna is back.
I also gave him a ten on that last ride.
Well, folks, there you have it.
The winner, and still the Big Crapola!
Kahuna!
Kahuna!
Gee, Dad turned out to be
pretty cool and was my new hero.
Mom was even happier than usual,
and Sandi and Michael
decided on a Christmas wedding.
I decided the hair helmet
was the look for me.
Thank you!
And who said you can never go home again?
It wasn't me.
- All right, go! Oh, yeah!
- All right, Dad!
We never had this much fun on the island.
I don't suppose
you wanna hear about it, huh?
I'd love to. It sounds fascinating.
So, that's the whole story.
I just thank God it's all over.
I think you're very brave.
Well, I know I just met you,
but I love you.
Would you be my main squeeze?
I never thought you'd ask!
We've got to shove off, little buddy.
Oh, no, not you! Not now!
I'm sorry. It's time to go.
Now, we'll be back real soon.
It's only a three-hour tour.
It's never a three-hour tour.
- Come on, little buddy, let's go!
- No!
Are we the corniest couple
you've ever seen, or what?