Backyard Ashes (2013) Movie Script

Started out last night
I was thinking of days gone by
Of the times I've had
And the things that I left behind
Some change, some die
Still we manage to survive
It's knowing where and what to do
It's up to you
Don't know what's going on
I can't wait till
One summer
I'll find a way
One summer
Will always remain
One summer
Remember the way
Hauled down, turned around
Find myself facing the wall
I think back to school
It's all the same
Slightly different rules
Outside on your own...
You wouldn't be dead for quids.
Well, the beast is looking
in great nick, mate.
Yeah, Merv, what do you reckon?
She's the bee's knees, Dougie.
Come on, mate. Show 'em
the new modifications.
Yeah, a test run would
be most interesting.
Alright, where's Lil?
I think we're clear for lift-off.
Maybe a tad too much gas.
Nah. She's a bloody ripper, Dougie!
What are you boys up to over there?
Um, nothing, Lil, nothing at all.
Oh, get away with you, Pigeon.
Make sure you get my good side, huh.
Mm... we don't want to end up
in one of your bloody
'Viewtube' videos.
- It's YouTube, Mum.
- Mm, same thing.
DOUGIE: Watch the pitch, Spock.
Just testing the moisture
content, you silly bastard.
Can we skip the pitch reportage
bullshit for once, Spock?
- Language, Bin.
- Sorry, my love.
Yeah, language, Bin.
His language has gone to shit
since he's been hanging with
you bunch of Aussie bastards.
- You're a lucky man, Bin.
You're on a bloody
good wicket there, son!
Good wicket?
I don't understand, Mervyn.
SPOCK: What he's trying
to tell you, mate,
is that we only invite you
over here
so we can perve on your missus.
All I can say is thank Allah
for arranged marriages.
SPOCK: Just taking the piss, Binny.
- Why would he want your piss?
- Well...
Bit of focus in the field, please,
ALL: Dougie's a wanker
WOMEN: Dougie's a wanker
Dougie's a wanker
WOMEN: Whoa!
- Yah!
It's a batsman's world.
MERV: Bring it here, boy.
Good boy. Good on ya. Eugh!
Here you go, Mouse.
Oh, gross, Merv!
SPOCK: Come on, Taka,
bowl them up. Come on.
- MERV: Howzat!
Sorry, it's caught behind, Taka.
Is that out? How is that an out?
- You didn't tell me that.
- It's an automatic wicky.
Wicky, what is... what is wicky?
What the frig is a wicky?
It's in our constitution, Taka.
Our forefathers invented it
so blokes like me wouldn't have
to put their beer down.
No ball! Same as last year.
You are well aware my action
is totally legal, Spock.
So you keep telling us, Murali.
- No ball.
- MEN: Whoa-ho-ho!
Six and out!
Go and get that one, Mouse.
I'll get the next one.
No more than 15 degrees, Binny.
MAC: They're at it again, Wilma.
Bloomin' barbies and cricket
all day long!
(CHUCKLES) Looks like they're
settled in for a big one.
Might have to turn the hose on them
if they get too rowdy.
Nice idea, Wilma.
What do you know about
this meeting tomorrow at work?
No idea, mate.
Feel like a mushroom at work,
always in the dark.
Thanks, Mouse. Must be my bowl.
Hang on, mate. Hang on.
Bat for ball.
Oh, go on. I'll keep wicky.
See that, boys? Nice, high elbow.
You'll see this finger up very high in a
minute, Douglas, if you don't shut up!
Nice one, Bin. I'm with you.
Just trying to educate you in
the finer aspects of the game.
All staff, please report
to the loading dock immediately.
All staff, please report
to the loading dock immediately.
Here we go.
What do you reckon's up this time?
I don't know. Could be anything,
knowing these clowns.
Good afternoon.
My name is Edward Lords.
Recent pressures from
the global financial crisis
and associated de-leveraging
will likely see a contraction
in the manufacturing sector.
- Here we go.
- Wha... what did he say?
Nothing good.
Now, my team and I
have been brought in to analyse
the day-to-day operations
of this factory.
EDWARD: And upon review,
management have determined
that the best way to improve
our core operations
is to implement new technologies.
In order to execute these changes,
we must make a number
of forced redundancies.
That's bullshit!
How about some notice,
you bastards?
Those persons affected
will have their name listed
on the staff noticeboard.
And their redundancy
will be effective immediately.
- Oh, come off it!
- No way!
I'll go check the board for us.
Pommy wanker doesn't give a shit.
I'm not overly convinced
his fiscal policies
represent a totally laissez-faire
economic approach.
Like I said,
he doesn't give a shit.
Tell it to me straight, Norm.
Uh... you blokes are OK.
- Hang on. What's up?
- I'm out.
- What?
- Canned.
- You're not.
- Outrageous.
I'm not the only one.
Heaps have gotten
their marching orders.
Anyway, I suppose it's hard times
for everyone at the moment.
Why do we always get
the sharp end of the stick?
What other options
might you have, Norman?
I... never really
thought about it before, Bin.
There's not much work
going around here.
I'd better get home
and tell the missus.
Hey, Norm. Talk later.
- DOUGIE: You can't do this.
- I'm sorry?
You can't just come here and sack
people and then just piss off.
It's my job to make these decisions
so the factory can continue...
DOUGIE: You don't get it, do ya?
It's not my job to 'get it'.
If you'll excuse me.
Very important man.
SHEP: Oh, yeah? What makes
you say that, Taka?
He doesn't drive a Commodore.
That's bullshit, that is.
And stumps, I take it.
Yeah. At stumps.
You alright, love?
He may as well have given it away.
Times are tough, darl.
It's a bloody joke, Lil.
Don't get yourself worked up, love.
MEN: Ooh!
Come on, go! Go! Go!
- Safe.
Good running, mate, good running.
Well, this could be the last ball.
SPOCK: Will Norm's career
have the fairytale finish
he so hopes?
Stuck here on 49 runs and 22 beers.
- Come on, Dougie.
- His last ball.
Serve us up a pie, mate.
- That's four.
- Hehe!
- That's it!
Well played, Norm.
SPOCK: As Norm leaves the field
for the very, very last time,
the crowd and his teammates
give him a standing ovulation!
- See you, Taka.
- Thanks, man.
See you, Tak.
It was a good day, Dougie.
It seemed to go alright.
Thanks for chucking
it together for us.
Ah, it's the least I could do.
Had to make sure you pissed off.
(CHUCKLES) Thanks, bastard.
Jeez, I hope
there's no dickheads like you
in Broken Hill.
Yeah, me too.
You might end up coming back.
I guess I'll... be seein' ya.
You keep in touch.
I'll fix the fence up
before we head off tomorrow.
No, don't bother.
We'll see what sort of nutter
buys the joint.
If he's anything like you,
I'll build a frigging moat.
Come on, darling, wake up.
Go on. Into bed.
You alright?
Do you reckon someone
will move in soon, Dad?
- I don't know, love.
- Maybe they'll like cricket.
Yeah, maybe.
- What are you two up to?
- Nothing.
- DOUGIE: What's up?
- Um...
I was just checking my Facebook...
Bloody Facebook!
What do I care what some bastard's
doing every three minutes?
Anyway, there's a message here
from Norm and Denise.
Really? How are they doing?
Not real good.
Houses are a bit expensive.
They'll have to rent
longer than they thought.
- Norm will go nuts.
- LILLEE: Hmm.
Bastard! Cancelled his
contract just like that!
- Don't get started again...
- It's as weak as piss.
He could've given him
a bit of notice. I mean...
We could be next.
I'm telling you, Lil. We could.
- They'll go through that factory...
It's them.
MAC: Well, you're right,
Wil. It is a removalist.
I can't see much. Oh, the
furniture looks a bit la-di-da.
Hmm. Seen better days, I reckon.
- You certainly have.
- Hm.
- Hm.
- What?
What? Furniture.
It's a bit exciting when someone
new moves in, isn't it, darl?
You think so?
- DOUGIE: Oh, bugger me!
- What? What is it?
Oh, that slimy weasel!
Who? What are you talking about?
- It's bloody Jardine!
- LILLEE: Jardine?
DOUGIE: Edward what's-his-name.
The toffy-nosed Pom from work.
- Who?
- Lords!
Spit it out, Doug.
That's the bastard
that sacked Norm.
- No.
- DOUGIE: Yeah.
The prick's gone and bought
his house on the cheap.
LILLEE: That's a bit ordinary.
I can't live next door
to a bloke like that.
- I'm gonna...
- What?
Pull your head in.
I'm sure we can
handle this sensibly.
Bloody Jardine!
What do you think? I know.
Not forever.
DOUGIE: Dougall!
Sorry about that.
It's alright. It's alright. I know.
MacDougall, good boy!
You done good, boy.
Anyhow, I must be off,
but have a think about it.
We'd love to have you
and they're usually lots of fun.
Oh, yes, I'm sure they are.
It's Edward, really.
He's not much for socialising.
I sometimes think he prefers
the company of the cat.
(LAUGHS) No worries.
- But thanks for the offer, Lillee.
- You're both always welcome. Hello.
- What was all that about?
- That was Lillee.
She's invited us over
for a barbecue.
Very nice of her, don't you think?
Well, you can certainly
count me out.
It's a ridiculous idea.
It wouldn't hurt to meet
a few of the locals, Edward.
The locals?
I have far more
important things to do
than attend one of their
cretinous backyard booze-ups.
My God, you can be so rude.
Rude? I'm the one who
has to tolerate them at work.
Why should I put up with them and their
noisy children in my spare time?
Give them a chance, Edward.
Besides, you chose the house.
Yes. Well, I didn't know
who the neighbours were.
Who in their right mind
would move next door
to that sorry lot?
A Pommy tight-arse
looking for a deal?
How's Dexter's rash?
- Hey, Mouse. How you doing?
- Good, thanks.
- Hi, Merv.
- Hello. How are you?
Hi, guys!
- So, how's your new mate going?
- How would I know?
I can't believe the sneaky mongrel
actually had the bloody cheek
to buy Norm's joint.
And to make it worse, he's a Pommy.
OK, you guys, give it a break.
Here they come now.
Ah, it's just Grace on her own.
- Thank Christ for that.
- Hey, Doug, behave yourself.
I'm warning the lot of ya.
Hi, Grace.
- Glad you could make it.
- Thanks, Lillee.
Sorry about Edward.
He's busy at work.
Ah, that's a pity. Never mind,
we'll catch up some other time.
Hey, Spock, you shit kicker,
how about you lift a finger
for once and get us a drink, eh?
Only if you say fish and chips.
- Piss off.
- Close enough.
Jesus, you blokes never leave off.
Have you cleaned out the van?
Of course I did, Spooky.
That Mr Whippy van's
been spit-polished
to a mirror finish.
- She's spick and span, Spock.
- I'll take that as a yes.
Oh, hi, Kerri. How's it going?
- Pretty choice, bro.
- I know what you're after.
Here's the keys to the van.
Left some spare
iceblocks in the fridge.
Middle shelf. Don't tell Spock.
You'll need some scissors
to open them too, Kerri.
Not the good scissors, Kerri!
What's the matter, Shep?
Didn't see that one coming?
Piss off, Spock.
If we'd wrapped it in wool
you'd have hit it.
You blokes won't be smiling
when I knock the skin
off this next one.
Jeez, we're scared, old timer.
Could someone get Merv's glasses?
In fact, use the ball
with the bell in it.
Piss off, Spock!
You've stacked on a bit of
weight in the winter months.
Because every time
I shagged your mum,
she threw me a biscuit.
- Mmm.
- Come on, do your worst.
- That is bullshit!
- We'll go upstairs for you.
Piss off, you're out!
Did you get that on video, Pigeon?
Sorry, Merv. Busy.
That'd be right. Alright,
must be my bowl, then.
That's drinks, ladies.
MERV: You do that every time
it's my turn to bowl.
Beer o'clock.
- A beer, Spooky?
- Um, not just yet, mate.
Hey, boys, when was
the last time you remember
that Spooky wasn't thirsty
at the esky at drinks?
- Yeah, good point, Douglas.
- What are you saying, Dougie?
I think he might have found
a lady friend.
I haven't seen that for a while!
Shh! Go easy on him.
- Cheers, mate.
- How you going, Warnie?
Good. I just... I was...
I put on a bet.
Oh, yeah. Let us know
if she's a winner.
What? Oh, alright.
MEN: Whoa!
I'll get it.
Have you blokes ever heard
of hitting it along the ground?
- Did you find it, Dad?
- Yeah.
Hey, Pidge!
You can turn this one up a bit.
Doug? Doug!
Take it easy, it's getting late.
OK, love. Just having a bit of fun.
- Must be my bowl.
- MERV: Two to come.
You two having a good time
in there?
They are an uneducated, unruly mob!
- GRACE: What's that, love?
- Next door!
How often do I
have to put up with this?
You should come over, Edward.
I mean, they really are
very nice people.
They're all bloody mad,
playing cricket till all hours.
Couldn't care less
about the neighbours.
Most of the neighbours are over there.
They don't seem to have a problem.
Besides, I seem to recall
you liking cricket too.
Well, they've upset Dexter.
He doesn't approve.
Yes, I'm sure he doesn't.
I think he's getting his cold...
Bloody Jardine!
Shep? Take it right over, please.
Right over towards that blue drum.
Yeah, we've got all day,
Shep. We've got all day.
Shep, if you listened
the first time,
you wouldn't have to
do it so many times.
Mr Lords? Can I have my ball back?
Could I have my ball back, please?
Thanks, Mr Lords!
- What was that?
- I don't know, love.
Sounds big. You'd better
go and have a look.
Go on.
- What have you done now?
- Me?
You're the idiot
that overloaded the fence!
Well, it wouldn't be necessary
if you and your yobbo mates
could just be a little considerate!
You could buy a new one with the
money you stiffed Norm on his house.
- That's ridiculous.
- Is it?
You cost good people their jobs
and you don't give a shit!
If it wasn't for me,
you'd all be out of a job!
Mate, if you believe that,
then you're a deadset wanker.
Where are you going?
You gotta come back
and fix this fence!
That's what I'm doing!
- What are you doing?
Oh, haven't you heard, friend?
Good fences make good neighbours!
Nice one, Shakespeare.
It's Robert Frost, imbecile.
MAC: It's gonna hit the fan, Wilma.
Oh, don't be
so damned melodramatic!
Here comes poor old
Lillee. Shush now!
- Doug!
- Edward!
Yeah, I know.
I'm up half the night.
Fence is stuffed.
- MERV: Totally rooted?
- Well and truly rooted.
I'm going to send the bill to
Jardine. Get him to cough up.
What's a bloke gotta do
to get a beer around here?
Asking politely would be nice.
Ooh, this joint's gone
all la-di-da.
Uh, can I have a beer, please,
Mr Dickhead?
You're a funny man, Spock.
I'll have one for the road.
Nature calls.
EDWARD: Your spin bowl's excellent.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry.
It absolutely paid off... Douglas.
Well, I didn't take you
for a cricketer.
I wouldn't miss it,
especially the proper game.
- Chaps, this is Douglas.
- Dougie.
You chaps should know Douglas.
He works at the factory.
- He's the...
- Fitter and turner.
Yes, fitter and turner.
That's right.
He also lives next door to me.
- You're the barricade man.
- Am I?
Yes, I heard about that
fence business last night.
So you're the mad bastard
playing silly buggers
with the boss here.
You're a brave man.
- You can't choose your neighbours.
- No, unfortunately.
Apparently Douglas
is a bit of a cricketer.
We should get together
for a game some time, Doug.
- You think so?
- Yeah.
He's a bit more
of your backyard variety.
Not the proper game.
Oh. Not a fan of the
nasty hard ball, Dougie?
Listen, I can't stand around here
making new friends all night.
Might catch you blokes a bit later.
You never know,
we might show you
how the game's really played.
- MERV: Wanker.
- Excuse me?
Bloody hell! Go on, get out of it!
Get out of it!
Bloody thing. Go on, shoo! Get out!
I'm gonna murder that cat.
Furry bloody pencil sharpener.
It'd better be counting
its nine lives.
And what are you doing, Glenn?
Can't a man have a bit of
privacy in his own backyard?
I was just videoing some mad bloke
talking to himself about a cat.
If you've got so much time
on your hands,
you can give this lawn a quick
go-over before the mob arrives.
Sorry, Dad. Just remembered...
I've got this... study group.
(WHISPERING) Study group.
Study group.
- Come on! Come on!
- Safe.
Well done. Well done.
Speed it up a bit, Mervyn.
Dougie's in scintillating form
here today,
batting like he's got
a personal vendetta
against the tennis ball, belting
felt all around the ground.
Put a sock in it, Spock.
Sock and Spock.
This fella's a poet as well.
Mind you, he was dropped earlier.
It was a sitter actually.
Poor old Taka.
Don't you be taking my piss,
Mr Spooky.
Start the car, Ritchie.
Had to be one of the simplest
chances I've ever seen.
Otherwise known as 'Can't Bat,
Can't Bowl, Can't Field Tojo'.
Why is it whenever
I hit a bit of form,
you blokes start
buggerising around?
Dougie's just worried you'll get
water on his precious pitch.
Can we have some quiet
from the peanut gallery?
Had your second
Chardonnay, darling?
Third actually, but who's counting?
Look out, Dougie, you
could be in a bit of trouble.
You might be scoring more than runs
before the night's out, mate.
Behave, Mervin.
Can we just cut the gutter talk
and get on with the game?
Alright, Douglas.
Come on, Dougie, it's your bowl.
I wanna bat.
- SPOCK: Get your hand off it.
- DOUGIE: Don't you want to eat?
Alright, Kerri. About time
we got this bugger out.
Oh, come on, Merv. No pushing in.
We'll be here all bloody day
if I don't take over.
- It's OK, Dad.
- MERV: Good on you, Mouse.
No worries, Merv.
Are you ready for this, Dougie?
Oh, here we go.
The full Dennis Lillee.
Complete with long run-up...
gold chain...
and chin music.
- Come on, do your worst.
Thank you, ladies.
WOMEN: Whoa!
(WHISPERS) Christ!
- ALL: Oh!
- MOUSE: Oh, gross!
- It would've hurt.
- It's gotta be out.
- Wow, great footage.
- Is it dead?
I guess nine lives
weren't quite enough.
Who ordered their cat well done?
Oh, shut up, Spock,
for Christ's sake!
This is not good. Doug!
Well, you're all witnesses.
It was an accident, right?
- Right, Bin?
- Yes, Douglas, an accident.
- Yeah, that's what it looked like...
- DOUGIE: Spock?
Yeah, it was an accident.
A pretty funny accident.
Oh, the poor thing.
Doug, do something.
What are you gonna do
with the ashes?
- I don't know.
- You'll have to tell him, Doug.
(SIGHS) I will.
- Was he fond of the pet?
- Yeah.
Yeah, he put it in shows and shit.
Cooking shows?
Oh, God. Look at that,
is that the time?
- Oh, yeah, it is late.
- That's crept up on us.
It's... it's been a...
great afternoon, once again.
Sorry. Must be off.
Very sorry, Douglas, about
your catastrophe. (GIGGLES)
- Very funny.
- Doug, Lil. Great day.
Oh, thanks, guys, for your support.
Since when did the barbie
turn into a blast furnace?
- I... I...
- No.
You have to go and tell him, Doug.
I know that, but
what am I gonna say?
This'd be a lot
easier if you weren't
bluein' with him all the time.
It just would look less like
you did it on purpose.
On purpose?
But as if... I wouldn't...
- As if...
- Poor cat.
- Oh, hi, Dougie.
- Hi, Grace.
Sorry about the barbecue.
We really were very busy.
That's fine. I was wondering
if Edward was home.
Oh. No, as a matter of fact.
But he shouldn't be long.
He's just gone over to the park
to see if he can find Dexter.
Stupid cat's wandered off again.
- I see.
- He can't be far.
You know what Edward's like,
won't let him out of his sight
for a minute.
Hmm, yeah.
- What's that you've got there?
- It's something for Edward.
Would you like me to give to him?
- No, I'll wait.
- EDWARD: Wait for what?
Oh, Edward. Hi.
Yeah, I'm afraid
I've got some bad news.
Bad news? About what?
Your cat.
There's been a bit of an accident.
What's happened? Where is he?
He's in here.
In the jar. What do you mean?
- His remains.
- Oh, my goodness!
- GRACE: What happened?
- We were playing cricket.
And the ball hit him and
he fell... into the barbecue.
And was burnt. Well...
- More like incinerated.
- Incinerated?
Oh, my God! How awful!
This is all that's left.
- I don't believe you.
- Sorry?
This is some son of
infantile convict humour
that you and your drunken cronies
have invented to stir me up.
- No, you don't understand.
- Oh, I understand alright.
It was a good try. It didn't
work. Good afternoon.
This is all of him?
Pretty much, yeah.
I'm sorry. It really
was an accident.
So this is how you operate.
You didn't like it when
I fired your friend, did you?
You didn't like it when
I moved in next door.
What are you saying?
Instead of stating your case
like a gentleman...
you murdered an innocent creature.
Oh, now, I don't think
anyone would do that on purpose.
Yes, Grace. I think he would.
You haven't heard
the last of this, Waters!
That went better than expected.
Hey, guys. Check this out.
You want to see something
really gross?
MAN: Yeah, always.
A champion feline's
been incinerated on a barbie
after a backyard cricket
match turned feral.
REPORTER: No need for the
third umpie, it's all on video.
- And the cat's a goner.
PIGEON: Holy shit!
Why doesn't he buy another
cat and get over it?
I don't think
he'll ever get over it.
Well, after all,
you did kill his cat.
Yeah, but he still reckons
I did it on purpose.
Oh, the man's a bloody idiot.
Afternoon, gentlemen. Don't get up.
Spooky. We were just discussing
Edward Lord's love of his pet.
His pet was all over the internet.
SPOCK: The cat in the barbie
video, it's gone viral.
It's very funny.
You're famous, mate.
Well, sort of. Depending on which
side of the fence you live on.
Pigeon and that bloody camera!
Dougie Waters...
legend in his own backyard.
God, here comes
the soft-drink brigade.
Karla, get us a jug of squash,
would you, love?
- FREDDY: Very...
- Here we go.
Oh, look who's here.
You're a busy man, Douglas.
I mean, one minute
you're 'the barricade man',
and the next...
you're a cat killer.
Very funny.
- You learn to play cricket yet?
- I'm working on it.
Don't wait too long.
We just took out
the business house competition.
Ah, the shithouse cup.
Yes, with very
little resistance, mind you.
- Thank you.
- ARTHUR: Right, chaps?
- EDWARD: Cheers, to the victors.
- ALL: Cheers. To the victors.
Look, I know I'm not your...
favourite person at the moment.
If you're enquiring
if I've forgiven you
for murdering my cat,
the answer is no!
She was a nice cat...
He was a prize-winning
pedigree pet and companion.
Really was an accident. Yeah?
Yeah, of course it was. Definitely.
And I just wanna say
that I really am sorry.
The regional town of Wagga Wagga
has witnessed
a heated cricket event unfurling
as rival neighbours
battle over allegations
of a ritual cat burning.
ALL: Oh!
ALL: Oh!
It was an accident.
- SPOCK: We're on the telly.
- BIN: Yeah.
At least the yard came up a treat.
NEWSCASTER: Tensions reminiscent
of the infamous Bodyline Series
are once again on the rise
as an estranged cat lover...
Public humiliation, that's what it is.
Nothing short of slander.
I have a good mind
to contact my lawyer.
(GRUNTS) Needs salt.
You're taking it all
too seriously, Edward.
Oh, am I?
Head office called today.
They know about it in England.
They want to know if they should
send someone down to sort it out.
Well, it needs to be sorted out.
They're insinuating
I've lost control!
Maybe you have.
Maybe it's about time you
had a good look at yourself.
I'm under a lot of pressure, Grace!
And those boys
are all out to take my job!
They'd jump in my grave
as soon as look at me!
I know that!
It's just that I thought moving
here might allow you to relax,
and let go a little.
But you've shut yourself off
from everyone.
From me.
What do you suggest I do?
Well, first,
you might try apologising.
Oh, you want me to apologise
to him for killing my cat?
You might at least accept
his apology.
There's about as much chance
of that happening
as Dougie Waters
keeping his job at the factory!
Edward Lords, you wouldn't.
It is one solution. Now, I'm...
I've had enough of this.
I'm going for my evening walk,
the one I used to take with Dexter.
Who walks a bloody cat anyway?
I know, Grace,
it's just getting ridiculous.
You're right, you know.
Edward's become unbearable.
Dougie's the same.
They're just a big pair of sooks.
I can't see either of them
apologising at this rate.
We'll have to do something
about it.
The sooner the better
as far as I'm concerned.
Listen, I've got a bit of an idea.
No... no, all the finance will
be in place tomorrow afternoon.
It's... it's not...
Can we get a comment
about the cat incident?
No comment.
- The viewers were wondering...
- Let them wonder.
I have no comment either...
We've been told there'll be
a grudge cricket match
between you two.
A grudge cricket match?
A reliable source was telling...
What source?
I understand it'll be held
in your backyard.
- In my backyard?
- Your backyard. That's typical.
What's wrong with my backyard?
- It wouldn't matter where...
- Tell us about the rules.
- What rules?
Get out of the way!
You'd need rules to deal with
this cheating bastard.
- Excuse me!
And so, with this backyard
test match now imminent,
we leave these two diversely
opposed captains to ponder
over what the Ashes really mean.
REPORTER: That 'cat in the
barbecue' saga may be resolved.
The two men have agreed
to settle their differences
with a game of backyard cricket.
The winner gets to keep
the cat's ashes.
Let's hope they get the rules sorted
out before this thing turns ugly.
- Dougie.
- Yep.
- About the rules, mate.
- What rules?
The rules for the big match.
I expect you'll be doing one-hand,
one-bounce rule?
Only if you've got a beer
in your hand.
No probs.
No LBs.
- Eh?
- No LBWs.
Too many arguments.
It can't... it can't be Japan.
Mr Lords, can I just say,
no retirements.
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, in the game.
You shouldn't have to retire when you're
batting, no matter how many runs...
Thank you for sharing, Vicky. Thank you.
That's very good, thanks.
So you can't get out first ball,
is that right, Dougie?
That's right, Taka.
You can't get out on a golden duck.
Cool. Cheers. See ya.
RADIO CALLER: Anything on
the roof is six and out, John.
It always has been
since time immemorial.
RADIO CALLER: Hope they're not
playing that silly tip-and-run rule!
That goes without saying.
On the other line, we have
Rodney from Bacchus Marsh.
Look, it's just a game.
What do you mean
'It's just a game'?
- We're playing for pride here, Shep.
- Mervyn's right.
We can't let these imperialist
bastards bring us down.
There's a lot more at stake
here than just a game.
You're not gonna tell
it's the bloody vibe, are ya?
No, it's the Ashes!
Fellas, let's not forget these blokes
actually play cricket.
Puts a bit of pressure on,
don't you reckon?
Possibly more than
I can cope with, I'm afraid.
Maybe we should check out
the competition.
You mean spying, Mervyn?
Not spying, Taka. Research.
We'll use the van.
- Yeah.
- And get Pidge and his camera.
Good idea, Shep. I've got no idea
why people say you're dumb.
Hey, who says I'm dumb?
How good could they be?
After all, it's only a tennis ball.
They'll probably be drunk anyway.
Nevertheless, don't underestimate
a cornered convict.
Turn it off! Turn it off quickly!
Nice one, Bin!
Why don't you just ring 'em
and tell 'em we're here?
Well, can you see anything
we can't, Double-O Dickhead?
They're much more efficient
than we first thought.
I like this stalking business.
It's research, Taka.
Here, give me a look.
What do you reckon, Spock?
Are they any good?
SPOCK: 'Fraid so, boys.
BIN: We need to start training.
A bit late for that,
wouldn't you reckon?
No. We should do it.
We should give it a crack.
- For Dougie.
- Alright, then.
Let's get outta here
before we get sprung.
On a day like today
I feel the urge to play
- Defence.
- Bring the bat
- That's it, beautiful.
- Bring the ball
To the backyard, one and all
The pitch needs one more roll
Bring me beer
I'm ready to bowl
Today, I really need to play
Grab a bat, grab a ball
Take me to the backyard
Let me loose on the turf
- Beautiful!
Thundering from either end
And bowl 'em for all you're worth
Hit 'em high, hit 'em low
Out in the backyard
Put those runs on the board
- See if you can get an edge.
Raise your bat and take a bow
Cheer every run we score
- Elbow up, elbow up.
My belly is on fire
with ambition and desire
Soon it's my turn with the bat
The runs will flow
Don't you worry about that
Six and out is a rule that's in
It's just not cricket
if we don't win
Today, I really need to play
- Hey! Well done.
Grab a bat and grab a ball
- Take me to the backyard
- Let me loose on the turf
- Yes!
Thundering from either end
And bowl 'em for all you're worth
Hit 'em high, hit 'em low
out in the backyard
Put those runs on the board
Raise your bat and take a bow...
Yes, it is difficult. We are a
bit short-staffed at the moment.
So I am sorry but I'm gonna
need you to work this weekend.
I'm sorry but I'm unavailable
to work this weekend, Mr Lords.
Oh, really, why's that?
Well, to tell you the truth,
I promised Mr Douglas
I'd play in his challenging
backyard cricket match.
Oh, I didn't realise you played.
Well, I am sorry.
I wish there was something I
could do, but my hands are tied.
Well, accept my sympathies
for your bondage,
but there's nobody else
that can work my shift?
- I wish there were. Sorry.
- No, I can't let Douglas down.
So I regret to inform you
I cannot work this weekend.
Alright, I see.
By the way... how is Norm doing?
- That's bullshit.
- There's just nothing I can do.
He knew you'd be playing
in that game.
That's right, Douglas, but I'm
not in a position to defy him.
That pommy bastard wanker!
Don't hold back, Taka.
Tell us what you really think.
Prick said he'll give us
the sack if we don't come in.
Mate, we can't afford
to lose these jobs.
I feel like shit, hey, Dougie.
You're not gonna risk your jobs
for a silly game.
Don't think we didn't think
about quitting.
We'll just forget the whole thing.
No worries, Doug.
Sorry, Dougie.
DOUG: Hey, Taka.
It's OK, mate.
Bags batting first, Dad!
Don't bowl too fast, will ya?
Not today, Mouse, OK?
Oh. Well, how about you bat, then?
Nah, not today.
I wanna try out my wrong'un.
I said no, Kerri.
Don't you understand no?
OK. You big meanie.
Hey, that's gonna help,
taking it out on Kerri.
You and your blue with
Edward. It's not her fault.
Did I say it was?
Well, stop moping around
like a sick puppy
and do something constructive.
Sort it out, Doug.
Yeah, I will.
- What you doing, Dad?
Oh, just working out a few
replacements for the big game.
Had a few last-minute replacements.
What do you think so far?
They look good.
Who's this?
That's Merv. Thank God
we still got him.
And that's Nehru.
Not bad for an opening pair, eh?
Who's this one?
That's you.
Me? Am I playing?
Of course you are.
You want to play, don't you?
Yeah. Thanks, Dad!
So... what's the burnt chip
on the board?
That's poor old Dexter.
Dad, that's awful.
Is that one of the good towels?
Which are the good towels?
The ones rolled up in the bathroom.
They're only for guests, Doug.
What's the point of having good towels
if you're not allowed to use them?
Guests, Dougie. Guests!
I say, Captain, old chap,
permission to speak.
It seems to me we are
never going to get
this Dougie Bradman cove out.
The blighter's already scored 994 runs
and it's only the third over, sir.
- Any ideas?
- Ideas? I'm the Captain of England.
Of course I've got ideas!
- Damn good show!
- What do you suggest?
Well, it's simple.
We bring out the Bodyline!
Oh, God, no. Not that.
Please, sir, anything but that!
Pull yourself together, man!
this is for the Ashes.
Now, let's go out there...
and do it!
ALL: Huzza!
Bloody Jardine!
Reach out and
Reach out and touch somebody
Reach out and
Reach out and
Reach out and touch somebody...
Well, the day has finally arrived.
The backyard grudge match
that's captured the nation's
attention this summer
will commence in
just a few short moments.
Cricket fanatics everywhere
are ready to witness
one of the most unusual sporting
events in recent memory...
an event the public
has named 'The Backyard Ashes'.
You old bastard!
What are you doing here?
Oh, I had a few days off
so we thought we'd come down,
have a look at this silly bloody game
everyone's talking about.
Besides, I thought you might need
a real cricketer for a change.
Fantastic! Who did you bring?
- You're gonna may?
Yeah, for sure.
Well, don't just stand here
like a pile of pelican shit.
Give us a hand with the pitch.
Righto, mate. What do
you want done first?
- Get on that roller!
- Righto, mate. Not a problem.
Hey. Oh, no, steady on.
We can't be having too many.
We've got a very important job
to do today, Wilma.
What job?
Well, young Kerri popped over
earlier on, dropped this off.
We are gonna be the official
scorers for the game!
Oh, for heaven's sake!
Hey, look, Wilma!
There's more of 'em pouring in.
CROWD: Why are we waiting?
Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!
Aussie! Oi! Aussie! Oi!
Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!
Hey, yeah
If you wanna be in my gang,
stand up with me
We'll start a revolution
and make the streets free
We'll never weaken
We'll give it our best
Can't be defeated
We're better than the rest
I think we might have made a mistake
going public with this, Lil.
No! No, she'll be right, Gracie.
So let us show them
We'll fight the world
We can't be beaten
What'll we tell 'em, boys?
We can't be beaten
There comes a time
when every man must fight
When he believes
in justice and right...
- Dougie.
- Bullshit.
- (LAUGHS) Nifty Normy.
- What are you bastards doing here?
We couldn't let a silly thing like
work stop us from being here, Douglas.
Where's Shep?
Sorry, Dougie, but...
Shep didn't make it.
He isn't dead, Spock.
- He finishes in a couple of hours.
- He's at work.
- Oh, good man.
- Shouldn't you all be at work?
Oh, sorry, mate,
but we've all come down
with that lurgy
that's going around.
Well, I hope you all have
your doctor's certificate.
(LAUGHS) Any boss who sacks anyone
for not turning up today is a bum!
MAN: Good on you, Mac.
You're a bunch of mad bastards,
you Aussies.
You and your... mateship.
I don't get it.
Yeah, whatever.
So you took a sickie.
Oh, it'd be un-Australian not to!
DOUG: Alright.
- Dougie, got a minute?
- Yeah.
I know you've got
a bit of a full house today,
but you'd be able
to squeeze one more in?
Oh... She's, um...
DOUG: Oh, um...
- A couple of bets?
- Yeah.
No problem. The more, the merrier.
ALL: Whoa!
I really appreciate you helping me
get dressed for the special day.
- No worries, Tak.
Shit, Taka, I didn't know
it was fancy dress.
Don't you be taking
the piss, Spooky.
- Good use of the slang, Taka.
- No worries, mate.
Hey, Kerri, you'd better put
MacDougall in the shed.
But he's our best fieldsman, Dad!
Yeah, but when everyone's here,
he'll be under our feet.
- Yeah, alright.
- How are you feeling about today?
- Good.
- Good girl.
So, um... Kerri gets a
guernsey, eh, Douglas?
Bloody oath. Don't worry about her,
mate. She'll be right.
Oh, no, no, of course.
Yeah, she'll be fine.
SPOCK: Yeah, she's a beauty.
She reminds me a lot of Merv
when he was a little girl.
You're a funny man, Spock.
Alright, boys, let's
get on our toes.
Time for action!
Let's get this over and done with.
We're on our way.
Don't catch your skirts
on the fence.
- What, what?
- Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!
- That'd be visitors' call, I suppose?
- EDWARD: If you say so.
EDWARD: Tails.
DOUG: We'll have a bat.
Yes, it's a good idea.
Why is that?
We'll get this over and
done with a lot sooner
if you lot bat first.
Pigeon, hey, come here.
The Aussies have decided to bat
on a perfect batting strip.
And we're about to talk to the man
who knows every inch of this pitch,
the curator and the captain
of the home side...
Dougie Waters.
What are your
pre-match thoughts, Douglas?
- Piss off, Spock.
- Well, you heard it right here.
It's a very tense environment
here at the G.
We're gonna cross now to Mumbles,
who's with the captain of the
touring side, Edward Lords.
How you feel about losing toss?
Think it might be a sign
of things to come?
- Piss off, Spock.
- Well, there you have it.
Both captains are in agreement that
I should indeed be pissing off.
Here we have the Barmy
Army... they're all here,
having overstayed their visas
to support the visiting side
and get horrifically sunburnt.
What a lyrically talented nation
they are.
Back to you in the studio.
And welcome back to the G.
Big crowd in today for the start
of this much talked about match.
Norm gets off to a fine start
with a punch through covers.
The British show their intentions
with a quick single.
Nice hobbling between
the wickets from Merv.
See the people
who stop and stare and say
'Haven't I seen that face
somewhere a long time ago?'
- Come on!
When I walk down the street
See the stranger who says...
Normy's fallen for the
oldest trick in the book...
the 'I can't find the ball
in the bushes.'
Which brings Binny on strike.
The Bin-a-nator.
Off the esky is two.
- Haven't I seen you round?
- Four runs.
Take a look at me
- Big Merv finds his form.
- Four runs.
Certainly giving those
pickets a work-out.
- Whoa!
Isn't that six and out?
And the oldest rule of them all...
over the fence is six and out.
Sorry, boys. Couldn't help myself.
- Yesterday's hero
- We're gonna be here a while, boys.
Is all that I'm gonna be...
You lot should keep your hands off 'em.
They're too cold for you blokes.
..and be somebody better
All that I'll be
if I don't get together now
When you walk down the street
If you know me, then pass me by
If you wonder what I'm doing,
don't ask me why
I don't read the news
- Aaaaah!
- Put it down, Wil.
If you're sorry,
then don't feel bad...
Taka, looking every bit the man,
best described as 'shit scared'.
Because haven't you
seen my face before
Yes, I was the boy who
used to live next door
- Handling the ball.
Oh, you're gonna play
like that, are you?
MAN: Well done, sir.
EDWARD: Thank you. Thank you.
A true champion has been dismissed
and is replaced by the Aussie
captain, Dougie Waters.
You go.
WOMAN: Go, Taka.
Oh, he's missed it
by a country mile.
Couldn't hit the skin
off a rice pudding.
He's copped one right between the
fob pocket and the loose change.
Taka, you should be wearing
one of these, mate. A box!
What the frig is a box?
No-one told me that!
No-one tells me nothing!
I'm sorry, Dougie,
but both my kintamas
have been badly damaged.
Please excuse me from the match.
DOUG: You'll be OK when
the swelling goes down.
Just sit somewhere quietly.
You'll be right, mate. No worries.
We're gonna need a sub.
If you must.
Oh, looks like they're in trouble.
Who do you think they'll bring in?
Excuse me, coming through.
Straight bat, Mac. Straight bat.
No shit, Sherlock.
Two legs.
Hey! I thought we were playing
the 'no ducks' rule.
I'm not playing by any of your
new la-di-da rules. I'm off.
Love you, Wilma.
You're up, Mouse. Good luck.
Go get 'em, Kerri. Come on!
And just like that, the youngest
member of the Aussie team,
Kerri Waters, is charged
with saving innings.
CROWD: Kerri! Kerri!
Marvellous stuff, that.
Oh, lovely dancing,
and then late cut.
Into the bushes. Couple there.
These two are getting well on top.
All over them like a cheap suit.
Haven't seen the English
pushed around like this
since the fall of Singapore in '41.
Is that all you got, Pom?
Kerri! Kerri! Kerri! Kerri! Kerri!
Six and out. Fine shot.
- Fine innings.
- Well played, darl.
It's OK. You did well.
Hey, good partnership.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Come on.
LILLEE: Food's on, you lot!
We could win this.
- I made it as quick as I could.
- Hey, Shep.
- Hey. What's the score?
- We're all out for 136.
- So they're chasing 137 to win?
- Oh, Einstein.
Uh, Lil. Doug.
This is my friend Abby.
- Pleased to meet you, Abby.
- Hi.
- G'day, love.
- Hi.
Yeah. Do you feel like a drink?
Thanks, Lil. That'd be choice.
Good. Let's meet the girls.
Didn't want to be seen
snogging a Kiwi, eh, Spock?
- You sly old dog!
- I didn't pick up she was a Kiwi.
Tell you what, Spock,
she's not half baa-aa-aad.
- Smart-arse.
- Come on, you guys.
Abby, you didn't tell
me you were a Kiwi.
MERV: So, who's bowling after me?
SPOCK: And welcome back to the G.
The Pommy innings is
about to get under way.
Mervyn, always popular
with the crowd.
That was a half chucker,
just asking to be hit.
Merv's a little short
of the length there.
Getting tonked all over the park.
- Got him! Yes!
Wicky! That's wicky!
Automatic wicky!
Poms are starting to put
some runs on the board here.
So Dougie brings back
a bit of spin to the attack.
He's known as a tweaker.
Show us what you've got, 7/11.
Hey! Next customer, please.
Piss off, you Pommy bastard!
- Language, Nehru.
- Sorry, love.
CROWD (CHANTING): Binny! Binny!
Go, big fella. You can do it.
SPOCK: Oh, that's gone
straight into the Boony bush.
Come on, that cannot be out.
Sure is, bro. You've been
caught by the Boony bush.
Boony bush?
What's a bloody Boony bush?
Well, that name's
Daveyanus Boonianus.
That's another one, Wil.
Change it over. Hoo-hoo-hoo!
Kerri! Kerri! Kerri!
One hand, one bounce, one beer.
- Good on you, Dougie.
- Well done. Well done.
Four down, Wil. 87, the devil's
number, Wil. Ha-ha-ha!
Excuse me. The man in the white.
Yes, you. Be a good man
and move two spots to your left.
The batsman's asked for a sighter,
and, as usual, Sunscreen
Stewie's happy to oblige.
Ah, so kind of you.
Yeah, mate. Anything
caught by the ladies is out.
- Harsh, but fair.
- Good man.
Ah, Nehru. The great catch she is.
It's all over bar the shouting.
CROWD: Barmy Army!
Edward Lords! Barmy Army...
Good luck.
- Luck would have nothing to do with it.
- MAN: Good luck, sir.
Hey, Edward, leave our flies alone!
MAN: They're the only
friends you've got.
Come on, Normy.
Oh, yeah!
God save
God save our gracious Queen
Long live our noble Queen
God save our Queen!
O Lord our God arise
Scatter her enemies
Make them all fall
Confound their politics
Frustrate their knavish tricks
(SHRIEKS) England!
Thanks to a gold Captain's knock
the Poms need
just four more runs to win.
CROWD: Barmy Army! Barmy Army!
SPOCK: Well, it's coming
down to the wire here.
Three to win, with only
one wicket remaining.
Haven't been this tense
since my last prostate check.
Pressure's all on the Poms.
Can English Pommy Lords
score winning runs?
Or will our local hero
Dougie get the wicket?
- The tension's incredibly...
- Shut up, Spock!
Short of a length, he's clipped
it away on the off side.
There's one there. Return for two.
Well played.
What are you doing? It's not over.
What do you mean it's not over?
That was a beautiful run out.
Game, set and match.
I think you'll find I was well in.
- No, you were well out.
- How can you be sure?
- I saw it with my own eyes.
- That doesn't mean a thing.
What exactly are you saying?
This isn't going to be pretty, Lil.
You're telling me, Grace.
I think I have it on my camera.
Good on you, Pidge.
Knew that camera would
come in handy some time.
Can we have a look at it?
Could we put it on the
television, so we can all see?
- That's a terrific idea.
- Good idea.
It looks like it's come
down to the wire here,
in one of the closest calls
since Merv nearly ran
out of beer on Cup day.
The Australians had a lot of
the tied tests back in '61
- Shut up, Spock!
- Bit rude.
Keep going.
- MAC: Let me through, let me through...
- Come on, Mac.
Wilma, haven't seen you
down here for a while.
Pipe down, Douglas.
I'm trying to watch the replay.
DOUGIE: Here we go.
Ah, yeah! It's gotta be gone!
Let's see it again.
Hey, Pidge, any chance
of slowing it down a bit?
Uh, yeah.
Um... could we...
could we see another angle?
Get your hand off it, Pom!
Good work. Good girl.
- Great footage, Pidge.
- Thanks, Dad.
That's a beautiful throw,
Kerri. Congratulations.
Yes, you did a...
I believe... this belongs
to you, Douglas.
- Hey, Dougie! Come on, Dougie!
ALL: We are the champions!
You sitting with your mates?
Listen, I reckon I acted
like a bit of a dickhead
when you first moved in.
Well, I was no innocent bystander.
Wouldn't have helped moving
next door to lunatics.
EDWARD: You've got it
pretty good here, Douglas.
Probably take it for granted
a bit sometimes.
- Hm.
- DOUGIE: You know...
wouldn't do you any harm
to lighten up a bit, eh?
Yes, there's no argument
from me there.
- That was a good game.
- It was a great game.
We should do it again some time.
Won't go so easy on you next time.
Well, there's no need to
do us any favours.
I reckon the ashes should
stay with the original owners.
Thank you, Douglas. Thank you.
- I'll fix that fence tomorrow.
- I'll come give you a hand.
EDWARD: 'And no matter
what a mate may do...
a mate can do no wrong.'
Henry Lawson.
Is that... what you want?
What is this actually for?
Just keep going, Edward.
Oh. We are in a documentary.
Now you go and play.
This is your lawn too.
- For you, my sweet.
- Thank you, darling.
All the best.
Well, now, it's the first ball
on the first day of the
Ashes Boxing Day test.
Perfect conditions
here on the Gabba.
Edward Lords, captain of England,
now at the top of his run up.
Get your hand off it, Pom.
You wouldn't be dead for quids.
ALL: Whoa!
Once a jolly swagman
Camped by a billabong
Under the shade of a coolibah tree
And he sang as he watched
and waited till his billy boiled
'You'll come a-waltzing Matilda
with me'
Waltzing Matilda
Waltzing Matilda
You'll come a-waltzing
Matilda with me
And he sang as he watched and
waited till his billy boiled
'You'll come a-waltzing
Matilda with me'
Down came a jumbuck
To drink at the billabong
Up jumped the swagman
and grabbed him with glee
And he sang as he shoved
that jumbuck in his tucker bag
'You'll come a-waltzing
Matilda with me'
Waltzing Matilda
Waltzing Matilda
You'll come a-waltzing
Matilda with me
And he sang as he shoved
that jumbuck in his tucker bag
'You'll come a-waltzing
Matilda with me'
Oh, yeah, with me
Oh, yeah
Waltzing Matilda
Waltzing Matilda
You'll come a-waltzing
Matilda with me
And he sang as he shoved
that jumbuck in his tucker bag
'You'll come a-waltzing
Matilda with me'
Oh, yeah, with me
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah
God save
God save our gracious Queen
Long live our noble Queen
God save our Queen
O Lord our God arise
Scatter her enemies
Make them all fall
Confound their politics
Frustrate their knavish tricks
On Thee our hopes we fix
God save our Queen
God save
Our Queen
God save
God save our Queen.