Bad Biology (2008) Movie Script

I was born with seven clits.
Well, seven that I know of.
Seven that I can feel and touch.
Seven separate clitorises,
each one constantly craving attention.
Actually, I'm pretty sure
there are more than seven,
but the others are buried so deep inside
that only a doctor could find them.
And I'm sick of doctors.
Doctors probing, doctors touching,
doctors, doctors, doctors.
To some, I was a perfect example
of permanent sexual arousal syndrome,
but to most I was simply the
girl with the crazy pussy.
Look at 'em.
Oblivious, completely unaware that
a genuine freak of nature sits among them.
And that's what I am, alright.
A mutant, a grotesque abomination,
a lovely little monstrosity.
Wait, wait.
Look at that bad boy swagger.
What you think, auto theft?
Drug possession?
Assault, rape, murder, ah,
that's where it gets interesting.
Got 'im.
Yeah, well it's not his IQ I'm after.
He's just meat to feed the hungry beast.
A beast so unique that I'm convinced
I'm my own species, a new species.
The doctors think I'm a genetic mistake,
but I believe I'm an
evolutionary leap forward.
A female of the future
who feeds on orgasms
the way you people
devour burgers and fries.
By the way, I'm more
than just a normal girl,
and sometimes, most times,
I wish I could find more
than just a normal guy.
You need that pussy eaten?
Tell me about these.
See no evil, hear no
evil, speak no evil?
Sully gave me that for witnessing him
kill somebody and not sayin' nothin'.
And this, that's the demon
bitch that stole my heart.
You like that one?
Fuck the world?
That's how I'm gonna fuck you.
No, come inside me.
Why you dirty little cunt bitch whore.
I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come.
No, no, don't go there, just ignore it.
It's not what you think,
it's not a real baby.
Real babies take nine months to grow,
mine take less than two hours,
which means my babies aren't real babies.
My babies are fake
unfinished freak babies.
So just mind your own damn
business and ignore it!
Usually, I try not to kill 'em,
but yeah, it happens now and then.
Sometimes things get too rough,
sometimes it's self defense,
and sometimes, sometimes I
just go nuts, and why not?
I'm not looking for romance.
I just wanna good fuck,
then get out of my face and disappear.
No names, no cuddling, just bounce.
Especially when I'm knocked up,
which is also happening
a little too much lately.
Then I just wanna find
someplace private real fast,
deliver my little freak
baby, and dump it somewhere.
Oh yeah, yeah, you're
hot, you're really hot.
Come on, big daddy, show me what you got.
Yeah, you sexy bitch,
look like you want it.
How much do you charge, you cheap slut?
Yeah, yeah, you big hunk of man!
Lick them lips!
Get 'em all wet.
Tell me where they've been.
Ooh, I love that ass!
Come on, baby, shake it for me.
Let me see what's under your hood!
I don't know, something's missing.
Give me the Maya with the 180 on it,
I wanna experiment a little.
I love a man in uniform!
Get the fuck outta
my lot, you dizzy twat!
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You got no fucking respect.
Show no respect, you some kind
of commie bitch or somethin'?
The morals are gone
because of people like you.
Our country, we fight a
war for hoes like you?
It's disrespect for the country,
disrespect for every fucking thing.
Cause you show no values.
Values the fucking toilet.
Get the fuck outta here!
Perfect, you can kill me now.
That's a wrap!
You know, you came this close,
this fucking close to
meetin' the king of Nazareth.
Like it?
I don't know.
I got a whole album full.
Go ahead, take a look.
Hey Jen, I got this great location
for the Mass Appeal shoot.
It's this old 22 room mansion in Brooklyn.
It's sick!
Fatherman Preacher Divine used to own it.
You want me to make it happen?
It sounds good.
Holy shit.
I've never seen anything
like these before.
It's my secret collection
of erotic photos.
Sexy, yes?
These are more like scary.
It's a catalog of lovers,
each of 'em caught in
the throes of passion.
Caught in their most intimate moments.
I call it fuck face.
These are, are really disturbing.
I mean I can't tell if they're having
the greatest orgasm of their life
or if they're being killed.
What's the difference?
I'm just surprised.
I mean, don't take this
the wrong way or anything,
but I always took you for a lesbo.
Or one of those asexual
never get laid types.
I mean, I've never even
heard you talk about boys.
There's nothing to talk about.
They're just anonymous
strangers I meet at night
in the bars, in the clubs, in the gutter.
I started menstruating when I was five,
and my periods have never been normal.
I bleed too much, and a five year old girl
with blood streaming down her legs
really freaked out my parents.
My eighth birthday coincided
with a particularly bad period
and I lost 1/5 of all the
blood in my body that day.
My horrified parents
hospitalized me which is
when we all learned
just how different I am.
Behold 10 horses, hell rider, hellfire
Skull and bone crosses, yellow tire
The world inspired omen offers peace
If we follow his beast
Was it good for you too?
Among the many side effects
of my mutant pussy's
hyper metabolism, my reproductive organs
function at an accelerated rate.
When I was a little girl before
I even knew what sex was,
I used to walk around
having multiple orgasms.
Eight years old, at school,
riding in my dad's station
wagon, dinner with my family.
All I'd have to do is cross
my legs a certain way,
bounce a little too much on my bicycle,
or just playing in the backyard
and I would come numerous times.
I used to think everyone
got off a dozen times a day.
But as my vagina evolved, my
body has gone into overdrive.
For instance, conceiving,
going into labor,
and delivering a baby in under two hours
is something sort of new for me.
And something I initially
found rather appalling.
I mean, I could always
take the usual precautions,
but though I don't want any children,
especially any of my freak babies,
I love the feeling of
something alive and kicking
and pushing it's way out of me.
Sometimes it's better than coming.
We all know the phrase nymphomaniac
is a pejorative term created by men
who are threatened by a
woman's sexual freedom.
Men pride themselves on
their own promiscuity
while women are punished for it
with labels like sluts, bitches, and hoes.
Well I'm all of that and more.
I may, in fact, be the world's
only real life nymphomaniac.
However, and I know you'll
find this hard to believe,
but I never had a man until two years ago.
Between doctors and my parents,
I grew up believing my
cooch was something
so dirty and disgusting that
no guy would ever want me.
All of which changed when I met Ryan.
I thought I loved him,
I gave him my trust.
And when I told him about
my strange little deformity,
he said all the right things.
Yeah, baby, you know you mean more
to me than any physical problem.
Can't let that get in our way.
You can't let anything get in our way.
Ain't no problem too big as
long as we have each other.
And what we have here,
baby, is something special.
So special I wanna spend
the rest of my life with you.
I love your lips, I love
your hair, I love your skin.
From the moment I wake up
to the moment I go to sleep,
you're all I think of.
I'll do anything for you, baby, anything.
I wanna spend every moment
making you feel good,
making you happy, protecting you.
You're everything to me, baby.
You give my life meaning.
This ain't about sex, it's
about marriage and children,
and growing old together.
It's about us taking our
love to the next level.
I'll make sure you're first
time is special, baby.
I promise.
I know you want me just
as much as I want you.
You feel it, you can
feel it, baby, can't you?
Get up.
Get up, get up.
What, what?
Get up, come on.
You gotta go, you gotta go.
You gotta go.
Come on, go.
You gotta go!
Get up, get outta here.
What are you doing?
You got to get
the fuck outta here!
What are you doing?
Get the fuck outta here
you fucking freak!
Get outta here!
Get outta here!
Get out, get the fuck out!
Obviously, I do everything
a bit differently now.
Unlike other so-called nymphomaniacs,
my needs are not psychological,
they're physical.
It starts with a moist
burning itch deep inside,
like a liquid flame that grows and burns
until my pussy feels like it's on fire.
Then it spreads pulsating
through my veins,
under my skin, up my arms, down my legs,
and into my breasts, until
my entire body's so hot
and trembling it feels
like my flesh is burning
and crackling and turning into ash,
and only an orgasm
brings me back to normal.
In other words, I need a dick
the way a junkie needs a fix.
For years I used to hate God.
What kind of bastard creator
would make me this way.
I would fantasize about
spitting in his face
and ripping his eyeballs
out and inflicting
in him the same pain he's inflicted in me.
But I've now learned to understand him.
I now realize just how loving God is.
He loves me so much that
he's given me a gift.
I can feel seven times the sexual
pleasure of any human being.
And now he's giving me babies.
Not for me to keep, of course,
but as a preparation for his holy child.
God has been building
and designing my body
for one purpose and one purpose only.
God wants to fuck me.
I can feel your aura.
It's glowing, breathing,
it's all around you.
You're protected by angels tears
that I can see, you know that?
You're funny.
I'm funny.
In a good way.
As soon as you started
talking there was such
a strong sexual energy
I could just feel it.
It's very intense.
I definitely think we have
an amazing connection.
I love your voice, it relaxes me.
I think you're just trying to gas me up.
Trying to get me to take you home,
but maybe I'm not that easy.
Of course you're not.
Boy, you're something else.
I wasn't expecting to hook up tonight.
I wasn't even in a social mood.
Just relaxing, having a
drink, and there you were.
There's something very
different about you.
Something very exciting.
Most girls won't let a guy hit it raw.
Rubbers aren't natural.
Well I feel comfortable
around you, I feel alive.
Like somebody's blessing you.
Do you have any kids?
Oh, that's complicated.
I'm not there yet.
I wouldn't be the world's best mom.
I got twins.
Beautiful little girls,
just like their mom.
And they call me.
I loved that woman more than anything,
but she's with some other guy now.
I don't let it get me down.
You can't let that negative
energy flow through your system.
You gotta get those
positive juices flowing.
Gotta think good, pure thoughts.
Can I take your picture?
Like this?
Gimme it.
Wow, that was awesome.
I'm really not the emotional
type, but I think you're right,
we really have a strong connection.
Can you feel it?
I mean, I don't know why,
but I feel so close to you.
You think that maybe we
could see each other again?
Yeah, sure.
I will not be tossed away again.
I'll not be used and toyed
with and played with.
I will not, I will not,
I will not, I will.
Oh my God, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh my God.
I'm sorry, I misunderstood.
I thought there was a
spark, a connection here,
and I thought I deserved more
respect and consideration
than a simple whatever,
whatever, whatever.
It's my fault.
It's not you, it's me, it's all me.
I pride myself on not needing
anyone, and what do I do?
I got weak, I got emotional,
and I actually thought that
maybe you and I could...
I'm sorry.
Again, I apologize.
This shouldna happened.
It's just that in addition
to my hypermetabolism,
I'm also hyper-emotional.
I can't help it, things
just move faster for me.
Imagine the emotions of meeting someone,
falling in love, getting dumped,
and hating their guts in all
about three anda half minutes?
It's my fault, my fault, my...
My ex had a big dick, over 10 inches.
I measured it.
Oh, God, he owned me.
I would cry real tears
every time he fucked me.
It was so amazing.
I hate small dicks.
I'd rather just finger myself.
You're crazy, I had nine
inches once and couldn't take it.
I felt like I was getting stabbed.
I'd be perfect for both of you.
Not too big, but big enough.
I mean, the ladies love it.
I'm no John Holmes, but
I know how to work it.
Holmes, John Holmes, the porn star.
He had a 14 inch fucking cock.
Ugly motherfucker, but did over 500 flicks
and banged over 10,000 bitches.
He's god.
He's gross!
Don't kid yourself.
If he whipped his dick out right here
you'd be on your hands
and knees sucking it.
14 inches?
Whoa, I'd fuck him in a second!
I'd love to see how much of
that I could fit in my mouth.
Holy shit, how could you not want that?
It's disgusting.
He was so big he probably couldn't
even get the damn thing hard.
Who cares?
It's 14 inches!
Let him fuck me with just the head.
I wanna be filled the fuck up!
Dude, if I was John Holmes,
I'd have a stable of hoes
lined up around the block
beggin' for it, and I
wouldn't pimp myself out
to those cheap ass fucking pornos either.
They'd have to pay hundreds
if they wanted to see it,
thousands more if they wanted to touch it.
Those pretty boys on
TV, they ain't got shit.
Bitches don't want that,
they just want Johnny Holmes.
Holmes cock didn't even look human.
It was like some hideous
fleshy tumor and was covered
in veins so thick they
looked like earthworms.
I want a human cock, not
some nasty, swollen growth,
not something that looks like a dead eel.
It's disgusting and gross
and repulsive and nasty.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, fuck me.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, yeah.
Oh yeah, fuck that pussy, yeah.
Medication is rapidly acting
causing erections.
Erections within 20 minutes.
Side affects include
nausea, headache, dizziness.
Stop it.
Fucking stop it!
Oh, baby, yeah, oh God.
Told you to fucking stop it!
Shut up!
Shut up and fuck off!
I'll be right there!
Hold on, just a minute!
I'm coming!
One second!
Yo, what's up, dude, it's
been a minute, what's the deal?
It's me, Rem, you went to
school with my brother.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey man, what's up?
Chillin', man, everything's peace.
You look a little banged
up, man, you alright?
Yeah, man, I've been up all night.
Man, I heard you lived
in Father Divine's old crib,
and I love the yellow.
Plus this would be a great location
for this photo shoot we're tryin' to do.
I dunno, man.
I mean, I'm thinkin' of
turnin' this place into a club.
I don't really want people comin' in...
Yo, you don't wanna fuck
this opportunity up, man.
It's gonna be a hip-hop shoot.
There's gonna be model
bitches, some chronic,
it's gonna be poppin'.
You don't wanna pass this chance up.
Ah man, I just wanna
be left alone, alright.
How 'bout a hundred bucks
right now, just like that?
I could really use five.
For you, five, but I'm
gonna need to come in...
Yo, can I get it in advance?
I mean like right now?
Oh, shit, Bat-a-tat-tat
with the...
Yo, I got that eggnog for
ya, you know what I mean?
Cinnamon cookies, orange marmalade,
motherfucking space skittles.
Man, what can I do for you?
How you been, man?
Yo great man, I'm good.
Yo here, I got another list for you.
Yo, pump your fucking brakes.
Let's build like legos.
Your last want list,
cuckoo clock world, man.
I think your elevator's broken, champ.
Yo, I gotta be honest with ya, Batzilla.
I got all type of orangutan 'droid-head
motherfuckers comin' through here
on some spacey, sprocket, cogs, mo-cogs,
Marion Barry shit, but you?
You're by far the most twilight zone
weird-ass motherfucker I know, man.
Yo, the shit you be lookin'
for is fuckin' insane.
Man, but the stuff I'm
takin' ain't workin' anymore.
You gotta find me something stronger, man.
I got issues, man!
But the shit you're
lookin' for is fuckin'
impossible to get, you dig me, pygmy?
Look, my dude works at the fucking
pharmaceutical warehouse.
He's got dibs on any type of drugs
any normal motherfucker could want.
That's the key word, normal.
You ain't normal, dude.
This motherfucker ain't even heard of half
of the shit you be talkin' 'bout,
and he's like a doctor,
you know what I mean?
Dr. Dre, Dr. Ruth, Doogie Howser.
It's all real, man.
It's in books, it's on the internet.
Where's my jimmy jig?
Where the hell'd you put it?
Your what?
You heard me, you fucking shit.
My jimmy jig!
What fucking language is that?
Talk human, okay?
You sound like a fucking two-year
old baby, you dumb bitch.
Yeah, you fucking would
like that, wouldn't you,
you fucking pedophile piece of shit!
Where the hell'd you put it?
Put what, you dumb bitch?
My jimmy gig!
Look, cat daddy, I keep it simple,
you dig me, you know what I'm sayin'?
Trees, percs, you know what I'm sayin'?
Little smurf village,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Some 'shrooms, little hit
the hole right, Snow White,
you know what I mean?
Vicaoins, Xanax, scooby snacks, footballs,
baseballs, racket balls, tennis balls.
Look what the fuck you want, man.
Tra, traza...
Industrial strength
'roids, growth hormones.
You tryin' to hit a
fucking home run, my ninja?
It's that Todd Bridges shit, man.
You on that Dr. Jekyll and Hyde shit, man.
Yo, this shit is not gonna get
you dunkin' like munchkins...
But it's not about
gettin' high, man, it's...
Yo look, could your guy at least
get me a list of what he's got?
Ah dog, be for real, man.
Where's my jimmy jig!
The bitch can't even talk right.
It's like you got palsy or somethin'.
I don't know what the fuck
you're tryin' to tell me.
You know what I'm talking about!
You just don't want me to have it!
Do you know what she's talking about?
Because I don't know anything
this bitch is talkin' about.
It's like I got a fucking
retard livin' with me.
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Yo easy, man.
Fuck you!
I don't speak retard.
I'm sorry.
Yo, you said you got something for me?
Yeah, wait right here.
Fine, go ahead.
Yeah, rip the place apart.
I don't care, babe.
It's not my couch, it's your couch.
Go ahead, rip it up.
Change your fucking
underwear, look at 'em,
your underwear are dusty as fuck.
Looking for a goddamn jimmy jig.
Fuckin' tweaker.
Get up!
Get the fuck off me, man!
Get off the couch so
I can fucking find it.
You know what?
Get off me!
I'm gonna break everything
in this goddamn place
until I fucking find it.
I'll break your fucking neck
if you do, I swear to God.
Do you know what?
You know, I'm not one
of your fucking whores
that you can just walk all over, yo.
You know what, if you wanna
fuck anyone, go fuck him.
You know, because you guys'll
probably fucking like it.
Where the fuck is it!
You stupid bitch.
You really need a fucking straight jacket.
Someone needs to put a bullet
in your fucking head, you dumb bitch.
I swear to God.
I hate you.
You're messin' the whole place up.
I hate you.
I hate you, I...
You know, you make me fucking sick.
Then die.
Then fucking die.
Lay on the ground and fuckin' die!
Special delivery, just for you, my man.
Not exactly what you asked for, but.
What the hell's this?
Well my man couldn't
smash out the gold for you,
but he got you the next best thing,
the silver medal, you know what I mean?
It's sorta what you asked
for, only for animals.
Farm animals.
Look, this shit here,
give a hard on to a horse.
These right here, two
story grow jump offs.
Farmers pump 'em into bulls.
This right here, animal crackers in 3-D.
All together, six different
type of animal steroids,
but you might wanna check the doses
in those books of yours
before you fuck around
being such a valedictorian
and all of that shit.
Your man couldn't get anything I wanted?
Yo, you want the shit or not?
How much, man?
Eight Benjies.
Alright, well yo, can
I use your bathroom?
Yo, bad boy, you okay?
Yo, you alright in there, man?
Yo, open the fucking door, man!
Gotta go.
Alright, cuz, I'm gonna get at you, man.
Wu-Tang, Killa Bee,
epitome of Public Enemy
Gamblin', hustlin', like
Smooth and Trigger be bitter
Be bums, diggity diggity das
Literally, I'm pun in the
middle of Little Italy
Didn't do diddly, gettin' me
Listen to me
I'm all good, I'm hood
I'm Ice Cube before he turned
soft and went Hollywood
I'm Poetic from Gravediggaz
I'm ODB, I'm Headquarters
I'm Ted Demme, I'm Paul C
If I ain't better than
B.I.G., I'm the closest
I'm Richard Pryor before
multiple sclerosis
I'm beef, I'm gold teeth, peace
Mantronix, Stetasonic,
Symbolic, Bambaata, Soul Sonic
I'm Dre, the Chronic
Melodic with logic Islamic
A poverty prophet
Economy robbery, cock it
I probably properly droppin'
It gotta be honesty
Opposite a novelty, rock it
I Herbie Hancock-it
I'm Onyx Throwin' Ya Gun
I'm Funky 4 + 1
Oh, come on, fuck me please!
Oh, I need to be fucked.
Fuck me, oh, I want that big
hard dick inside my pussy.
Fuck me, please!
Oh please, fuck me!
Yeah, fuck me.
I want you to fuck me.
Fuck me right now.
Fuck me, please.
Oh, give it to me, fuck me!
Fuck me hard!
Fuck me harder, come
on, baby, give it to me.
I'm so horny.
My pussy's so wet, I want it so bad.
Oh fuck me please.
Fuck me, fuck me hard!
Fuck me harder.
Come on, baby, give it to me.
I'm so horny, my pussy's so wet.
I want it so bad.
Oh, fuck me, please.
Oh, Glen.
I'm not gonna call you
Batz like everybody else.
You're more than that to me.
You're my Glen-Glen.
Why are you so unhappy, why
are you in so much pain?
Tell me why.
Let me help you, Glen.
I wanna help you.
You can't, you can't,
you wouldn't understand.
Of course I would understand.
I wanna spend the rest
of my life with you.
I love you, baby.
I love you.
From the moment I wake up to the moment
I go to sleep, you're all I think of.
I'll do anything for you, baby, anything.
I wanna spend every moment
making you feel good,
making you happy.
I'll do anything for you.
You give my life meaning.
I've never told anybody.
Baby, you know you mean more to me
than any physical problem.
We can't let that get in the way of us.
We can't let anything
get in the way of us.
No problem is too big as
long as we have each other.
And what we have is something special.
I got my dick got cut off at birth.
The hospital never told
us exactly what happened,
but when they went to cut off
the umbilical cord something went wrong.
Of course, they sewed it back on,
but it never worked right
and it wouldn't get hard.
So they gave me some
money and they pushed me
into therapy, but I was just a kid.
It didn't hit till I was thirteen
and realized I was the only teenager
in the world who couldn't jerk off!
Well, I could have got it up with
certain prescription drugs,
but my parents couldn't pay
good money to give their kid a hard on.
Wait till your older, Pops would tell me.
Wait till your eighteen!
Yeah, well thanks a lot
dad, but I need my dick now!
I tried to put my name
in by lifting weights
and getting into fights.
I wanted to join the football team,
but I didn't want nobody in
the locker room to see it.
So I just kept to myself
and got the bright idea
of injecting steroids and growth hormones
directly into my dick, and it worked.
Finally busted my first nut when I was 17
and ended up passing out for eight hours.
But the drugs also made
my dick grow, really grow.
It also made my goddamn dick
develop it's own consciousness.
Meaning I got a drug addicted
dick with a mind of it's own!
So now I go from dealer to dealer
lookin' for a chemical
that can control it,
that can make me behave normally.
Fuck me, baby, fuck
me, put it in...
Oh yeah.
Oh yes, oh yes, oh baby, yes!
Oh, oh, yeah, oh yeah!
Oh, yeah.
I'm the boss
Damn girl, I could
suck on that all night.
On the real, cousin, we could run
the ultimate train on this bitch.
You take the face and I'll
take the back shots.
Okay everybody, snuggle up.
One big happy family.
Yo what the fuck, where
the models at y'all?
I want some beautiful women.
They are beautiful.
I'd wiggle my nose inside your clit
and talk... inside your brain.
I'd make love to your
thoughts and memories, mama.
This is disgusting.
Vulgar and disgusting.
The vagina is not disgusting.
The vagina is a work of art.
But not when it's on a woman's face.
Oh yeah, I'm into this
ultra biological shit.
Good, good, I like that.
Yeah, you my girl.
My science is deep, mama.
This is pornography.
Plain and simple.
Yo, B, on the real, the niggas only got
one thing on their mind and that's pussy.
True story.
She's just showin' how the fuck it is.
Alright, kiss, kiss, kiss,
lean into her, just like that.
Alright, that's right.
This is not clever,
this is not intelligent,
this is not artistic.
This is crude, gutter-level filth.
I'd hit it till my dick poked
through the back of your head, mama.
I'd leave your fucking cerebellum cloudy.
Alright, this stops now, right now!
Lean into it, that's right, kiss it.
Oh yes, use your finger, there you go.
Use your finger, good!
This is not what we agreed to,
this is not what the label agreed to.
Yo fuck it, B, why is you trippin' man?
They don't know what to expect from us.
They can't pigeonhole us, okay?
This isn't about your definition
of morality or anyone else's.
This is the brutal honest truth
of a woman as a sexual human being.
You're out of your fucking mind.
Good, good, good, I love it, finger it.
Oh God, finger it.
That's it, oh God, oh good, finger it.
Oh, oh my God.
Oh yes.
Oh, good, good, oh that's great!
Oh, just like that.
Damn girl.
Good, oh yeah, it's so good.
Good, good, good...
Go faster, use that tongue.
Use that tongue, oh!
Oh yeah, that's it, that's it, oh God!
Oh, oh my God!
Good, good, good, good, good.
Oh my God, I can't handle this!
Oh, yes.
Okay, okay, okay, wait, wait, wait.
I love it!
That's enough!
Enough, man.
Alright, everybody, that's a wrap.
Yo, ma, I feel what you're doin'.
Yeah, the sick shit always sells.
It's pretty intense.
There's somebody there, there's somebody
there behind the door, I can see!
There's somebody there watching me!
Hey, I see him!
There's somebody there, hurry!
Behind the door, behind the door!
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
what are you doing here?
What you doin'?
I wasn't gonna do nothin', man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, relax, take it easy.
It's only Batz, he lives here.
You ain't gotta get all
Quasimodo on us, man.
You're a bugged out dude.
I'm sorry, man, I didn't
wanna be in the way.
Come on, I want you to
meet some of my people.
Batz, this is Vinnie
Paz, Jedi Mind Tricks.
What up, cousin.
Your crib is crazy, man.
That's Reef, the Lost Cause.
What's goin' on, B?
And I wanna introduce you to Jen,
she's the photographer...
So what were you doing
back there, sneaky boy?
And this is Tina Krause.
She does horror films.
You don't have to hide.
I'll let you watch if
you'd take your shirt off.
I'm sorry, I was...
You wearing underwear under those jeans?
Tina, he said he was sorry.
I know what you were
lookin' for back there.
You were lookin' for
these, big and beautiful.
Your mama ain't got titties like these!
Let it go, Tina.
Come on.
Hey Jen, this is Batz.
He's the one who hooked
everything up for us.
Thanks for letting us
shoot here, I appreciate it.
Hey man, I gotta go do something.
Real nice.
Hey, where you goin'?
Wanna play?
Come on, come on puppy dog
eyes, wanna see my titties?
Stick out your puppy dog tail and wag it.
They're tasty little treats
for good little puppies.
And I know you want it.
So why don't you stick out
your paw and beg for 'em?
Jen, everyone's gone, should I lock it?
Oh, I left my phone inside.
Want me to get it?
No, I'll get it.
I know right where it is.
Stop it, stop it!
No, no, she left!
She's gone, they're all gone!
Right there in front of everybody!
What are you, crazy?
Okay, no, no, no.
Because I said so.
Hey, hey, hey!
You don't give the orders here!
Fucking shut up!
What the fuck is wrong with you?
The fuck!
Get the fuck out!
You find it?
Your phone.
Yeah, it was right where I left it.
That guy in there.
Who, Batz?
Yeah, what do you know about him?
His real name's Glen Batten.
He got that nickname because
he's so fucking weird.
Shut up, shut up.
I don't feel good.
I can't handle you right now.
Leave me alone.
I feel sick.
Oh no, it's too soon.
This stuff's way too strong.
Oh my God, alright, alright.
Shut the fuck up.
Oh that's good.
Where are we going?
Upstairs, second floor.
Anyone live here?
Yeah, me.
I'm thinking of turning
this place into a club.
Cool, you got the money?
This okay?
Come on, baby, let's
get your clothes off.
I haven't done this in a while.
Don't be afraid, I'll treat you right.
I don't know, my dick's kinda...
I don't know how to say it.
Well let's just put this
on and everything'll be fine.
Maybe we should just forget it.
Relax, we're gonna have fun.
It's okay, we're done now.
Come on, you gotta go.
Come on, you gotta leave.
You gotta go.
Come on, get up, yeah.
Shut up!
Just shut up!
Shut up.
Alright, come on.
On your feet, come on.
Get up, just like that.
Yeah, okay.
Okay, you're gonna leave now, okay?
Come on, it's time to go!
This ain't fuckin' funny anymore!
What the hell are you tryin' to do to me?
I'm gonna turn out the lights and leave.
You'll be up here all alone!
What the fuck's wrong with you?
Come on, let's go, let's go!
The fuck!
Hey yo, those animal steroids you gave me.
Could there be side effects that'll
make someone else flip out?
You gave that shit to somebody else?
No, I fucked a hooker
and she's goin' nuts,
act like she's out of her fucking mind.
So I stuck it in and she went psycho.
She's either having one big
orgasm or hundreds of 'em
all in a row, I can't even fucking tell.
Yo, you're high right now, right?
No man, I'm not, I'm just scared man.
This ain't natural.
I didn't even last.
It was quick, just in and out.
But she's been havin' an orgasm
for like almost 45 minutes now.
45 fucking minutes!
That can't be normal, that's
like impossible, right man?
Yo, listen.
I'm not even near her and
she's shakin' and moanin'
like she's the fuckin' exorcist.
It's like Linda Blair right
in your fuckin' livin' room.
So why you call me?
You gotta give me something
to shut her up, man.
I don't mean knock her out,
just something that'll snap her out of it
so I can get her the fuck outta here!
You got somethin' for that, right?
Yo man, hit that ho on the head
with a fucking shovel,
shove a pillow in her mouth,
call the ambulance, bury
the bitch in the back yard,
I don't know.
Whatever the fuck you do,
keep my name out of it.
I ain't got nothing to do with
you, cuz, none of this shit.
I don't even know you, man.
Alright, okay, listen.
We're gonna go now, okay?
If you can't walk, I'll carry you, okay?
But I can't take you outside if you're
gonna be screaming like
this, you understand?
Alright, I'm just gonna
put this in your mouth
just to shut you up, alright?
I said no.
No, keep wanting, I don't care.
I'm not taking any more of that shit!
It's making me sick.
Look at me, man.
My hands are shaking,
my stomach's burning.
No way, you saw what you did to her!
She's probably still in the alley
screaming her fucking head off!
Yeah, well I fucking hate you too!
Shut up!
Shut up, shut up!
Alright, alright, just shut up, shut up.
Listen, we'll deal with
this later, alright?
Mr. Batten, I'm from the
Neighborhood Block Association.
We have some complaints about you.
Me, why?
The place is still yellow,
the grounds are still overgrown,
and the neighbors heard
what sounded like...
I like yellow.
I'm thinkin' of turnin'
this place into a club.
No, no club!
This is a residential street.
You can't turn this place into a club!
Can you say that again?
I said, this is a residential street,
you can't turn this place into a club!
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, wait.
What was that?
Mr. Batten, the place is still yellow,
the grounds are overgrown,
and the neighbors heard
what sounded like a woman
screaming last night.
Wait, can you say that again?
The neighbors head what sounded like
a woman screaming last night!
Oh, you don't need me anymore?
You don't need me anymore?
You don't need me anymore?
Well here's what I think of that!
Oh geez.
Oh geez.
Oh my God.
Where do I begin?
You realize we've lost the cover?
There's no way we can
use these unless we crop,
blur out the faces, which
kind of renders it pointless.
I don't think we can use these at all.
Our advertisers are gonna
have a fit, an absolute fit.
You know I've always supported you,
trusted your professional instincts.
I wanted you for this
assignment because I thought
you'd come up with something
controversial, edgy.
But this is so far over the edge.
Remember the Cameron fashion shoot?
We had two photos with
a single bare nipple
in each one, tastefully shot.
Remember what happened?
Walmart yanked the magazine off the shelf.
Barnes and Noble wouldn't stock 'em
unless we polybagged 'em
at 50 cents per issue,
which further killed sales
because no one could look inside.
And what have you come up with?
Vagina faces!
Jennifer, vagina faces!
What were you thinking?
It's all going down tonight.
I'm actually going to go through with it.
I'm all nervous and jittery
and tingling inside,
but in a good way.
Like when I was a little girl about
to rip the wrapping
off a birthday present.
I didn't realize how much I needed him
until I finally found him,
and now I'm all warm
and getting goosebumps
and I feel him as if he's racing
through every part of my body!
And it's about time.
I deserve to be happy,
I'm sick of being lonely.
I wanna fall in love like everyone else.
And why not?
We were born for each other.
Yes, I love you.
I really do.
You're my boo.
You're the best I ever had.
Yep, it meant nothing.
Neither did he.
Yep, none of them did.
They were just, I dunno, I was bored.
No, it's just you.
Yeah, my boo-boo.
No, honest, why would I lie?
Get out!
I was here last night, watching.
I saw what you did to that woman,
and I want you to do the same thing to me.
Are you fucking crazy?
You saw what happened to her.
She could be dead by now for all I know.
She couldn't handle it.
But I can.
I'm built for it, because like
you I'm built differently.
Forget it, girly, I can't help you!
Not Girly, Jennifer.
Yeah, well you're too late!
It's gone!
It came off and walked
right the fuck outta here!
So if you want it, you're gonna
have to go out and find it!
It's probably out there
doing God knows what!
I don't believe you.
Yeah, well I don't believe it either,
but that's what happened.
So just, just get outta here
and leave me alone, okay?
After all I've done for it.
After all the sacrifices I made!
And it just walked out on me like this.
No warning, no goodbye, just up
and leaves in the middle of the night!
My whole life revolved around it!
When the doctors gave up,
I'm the one that gave it it's health,
nurtured it, made it
something to be proud of,
kept it alive with every
damn drug it needed!
And what am I?
A goddamn junky who can't get laid
while it's out there
fucking whoever he wants!
It's like, it's like, what do you call it?
They got no eyes, no
ears, no face, nothing.
They only exist to do one thing in life,
find an egg and fuck it!
The same basic primal instinct
is happening to my dick.
It's like a radar.
It wants pussy, it senses pussy,
won't let nothing get in the way of pussy.
The most perverse thing is,
I can feel it while he's doing it.
From out of nowhere, I feel
like I'm the one who's fucking.
And just when I think I might bust off,
I realize I'm no longer
attached to my own dick.
Do you know how mocking that is?
It's back.
What's wrong with it?
Well give it something.
It's had too much already.
We've got to help it!
It can't breathe.
Breathe, breathe, breathe!
Just leave it alone and
get the hell outta here!
Is this what it wants?
Hey, gimme that!
Let go!
Give it back!
Just let go!
I said let go!
Don't die on me!
It's getting better, see?
No, no, no.
Back off.
Back off!
Back off.
Suddenly, everything was clear.
I now know why I was put on this earth.
I had long suspected that God
had a special purpose for me,
and had long hoped that
someday we would be lovers,
and finally we are.
I can feel God deep inside me,
a feeling that transcends
mere bodily intercourse,
transcends any sex any
mortal has every known.
This is rapture.
I can feel it all inside me.
The Garden of Eden, Sodom and Gomorrah,
Armageddon, all inside my pussy.
Plagues, famine, swarms of locusts,
Joshua, Jacob, Jeremiah, Peter and Paul,
and all the disciples
deep inside my vagina.
Heaven and hell, this is a miracle.
I am a living miracle.
Our father, who art in
Jennifer, hallowed be thy name.
God is finally fucking
me and all I now want
is to feel myself flooded
with his holy seed.
I'll introduce y'all.
I'm big time, bitch.
New York, New York, New York, New York
New York step on the hip hop
You're just visitin',
kick you in your dick
Have you singin' more higher
pitches than many rippin' it
Keep it low pro,
keep it breezier than
My life for my father
Alright cut, take two.
Okay folks, now it's time
for me to produce the movie
Ain't no samples on this soundtrack
So nobody can sue me
I'm on tour with the band,
my name has never been hotter
I wrote a script with the
co-director, Frank Henenlotter
My main investor got in
trouble with the cops
Just my luck
Police dogs found him in the
woods and spit his ass up
So half his investment cash
went to doctors and lawyers
My other potential investors
are busy tryin' to avoid us
There's a problem with the
main location we're usin'
The landlord tripled his price
The week before we start shootin'
Bitch, I'm not a happy camper
Two weeks before shootin'
Henenlotter's ass is
diagnosed with cancer
Most of my small crew is mad green
It's all I could afford, this sad team
This is becomin' a bad dream
Still no location
Just when I though I can't win
My man Born Master
found a 22 room mansion
So you wanna make a movie
You really wanna make a movie
So you wanna make a movie
Bad, bad
So you wanna make a movie
You really wanna make a movie
So you wanna make a movie
Yo bad
All these casting directors
in New York are no help
So I decided to cast
the entire movie myself
Found my lead actor
on my fucking MySpace
Found my lead actress
She was spending nights at my place
Get to the rental house
The pipes from the toilet busted
Puddles of piss and shit everywhere
The floors are flooded
Got the equipment in the truck
We got to get to the set
The cops pulled us over thinkin'
we're a terrorist threat
No electric, the fuse box
blew up in the basement
An actress pulled out, got two
hours to find a replacement
A week and a half into
shootin', I'm broke
Hold up, I smell smoke
The mansion's on fire, this is no joke
The hours on the set increasin'
Frank fightin' cancer
6 A.M he's doin' daily
radiation treatments
Sleepin' in the mansion
with no heat or water
Haven't showered in four days
I'm shittin' blood,
gettin' more crazed
My whiny-ass crew members
wanna give me a hassle
All I could afford to feed
'em is donuts and White Castle
One of the vagina mask
bitches ain't showed
So I begged the makeup assistant
To get topless and gave her some dough
So you wanna make a movie
You really wanna make a movie
So wanna make a movie
Bad, bad
So you wanna make a movie
You really wanna make a movie
So you wanna make a movie
Like ol' Charlee, it
was go, read the script
Be playing the chick that was
born with more than one clit
And big Batz, you got problems
always yelling at your dick
Tryin' to explain to the cast
this is a fucked up script
I'm not showin' my pussy.
Take three.
Just to get the film rated cost 10 Gs
Let's release it unrated,
fuck the MPAA fees
Do I really wanna make
filmmakin' my career
Oh, fuck it, me and
Henenlotter'll be back next year
So you wanna make a movie
You really wanna make a movie
So you wanna make a movie
Bad, bad
So you wanna make a movie
You really wanna make a movie
So you wanna make a movie