Bad Romance (2022) Movie Script

(soft upbeat jazz music)
(soft upbeat jazz music continues)
(books thudding)
It wasn't me.
(dramatic music)
Ah.
So, I need to ask you
a series of questions.
About which book?
About my dead wife.
What?
Oh my gosh.
I'm tracking the man who killed my wife.
And a series of complex clues
that I've successfully
uncovered have led me to you.
I'm so sorry about your wife.
Did she work here?
Who was she?
Her name was Erin Rose.
Erin Rose?
I, I don't think I know an Erin Rose.
Well, I loved her very much.
But she's definitely dead now,
which obviously makes me single.
I'm sorry. I really don't
think I can help you.
She was clearly hiding something
and I was determined to
get what I wanted from her,
for the sake of avenging my dead wife.
A loyal and courageous thing to do.
Like I said, my investigation
has led me to you.
I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you
a series of questions over dinner.
I'm really sorry.
I don't think... My wife is dead.
So it's the least that you could do.
What clue did you say led you to me?
(soft orchestral music)
Did you take this?
There's a killer on the loose.
Will you go a dinner with me?
No one's here.
(tense music)
She couldn't have been
happier to give me her number.
The undercurrent of
sexual tension between us
could not be ignored, and
now that I think about it,
kind of pointless to even
be talking about it right now,
because it was just so obvious.
(dramatic music)
(birds chirping)
Frank, I got a lead on the case,
and I suspect she has key information
regarding Jack S's whereabouts.
So, I will try again soon,
or, you know, if you wanna just meet up,
exchange information, keep it casual,
you know, whatever. (Chuckles)
But either way, I will
call you back soon, okay?
Bye.
Oh, this is Rob, by the way.
R-O-B. Okay?
Bye. (Chuckles)
(phone thuds)
For the record, though,
I would've woken up to listen to your music
without the chicken nuggets.
- Oh, thank you.
(people chattering)
Hey.
What?
Look but like don't look but look
(people chattering)
(daters chatting indistinctly)
Can you do something about it?
I don't feel like being
confrontational babe.
Hey!
That's the guy.
(man yells)
Uh. Hi, I'm Rob.
(hit thuds)
Stop stalking my girlfriend, you creep.
And if I see you again, you're dead.
(Rob whimpers)
(people chattering)
(man scoffs)
(Rob grunts)
(people chattering)
[Woman] I guess somebody
did something about it.
I had plenty of friends to come over
and help me out with my injuries,
but I didn't wanna bother them
as I am man enough
to take care of it myself,
though, I must admit that
ever since my wife died,
it's hard to be alone as thoughts
of our joyous time together consume me.
What's that?
We had so much fun together.
(people shouting)
[Erin] Wow.
[Rob] She always told me
that I'm the best boyfriend
she ever had.
Couldn't imagine a better one.
You're the best boyfriend I ever had
and I couldn't imagine a better one.
[Rob] I am a great catch.
For example, I am good at sports.
(Rob exhales)
(people chattering)
Raphael.
(players laughing)
I, um, I got picked first overall,
but uh, I, I had an ankle injury from, uh,
slam dunking too hard,
so you know, I couldn't play.
I got next.
Anyways, I also love traveling,
which is important in selecting a partner
as lots of people like to travel.
And I love puppies,
which shows I'm sensitive,
responsible and subconsciously
appeals to biological urges
that I can father women's babies.
Which one is yours?
Oh, his name is Nathan. (Toy dog barks)
Good boy, Nathan. (Toy dog barks)
Come on, Teddy.
We gotta go.
Hey, maybe I'll catch you
on the other side of the park.
But most importantly, I am
an amazing, amazing kisser.
I was crying because of
the dead wife flashbacks,
not because I was lonely or anything.
(coffee splattering)
What?
Really?
(waitress scoffs)
I wasn't paying attention.
Oh, ma'am, excuse me? Sorry, I just...
Oh. (Chuckles)
Listen.
There's a woman by the name of Hannah
who has a tattoo on
her lower back of Jack S.
Jack S.?
That's the killer.
(hand slams) (silverware clatters)
(Rob sobbing)
Frank, that's the guy
I've been looking for.
Yeah.
And you said she was a woman?
(Rob chuckles)
Is she a pretty woman?
I suppose.
(Rob chuckles)
Frank, I gotta repay you.
No, no, I'm just doing
this because we're fr...
Wait, sorry, what was that?
I just, I have terrible ear wax.
Mm-mm.
No, I'm not doing that thing
where you pretend you didn't hear me
and I repeat that we're
friends like 20 times
so you feel good about yourself.
That's not, I've never done that.
Well, okay.
Since we are...
Friends...
I just feel like I have to repay you.
And I know this great ice cream place
that is simply amazing.
No, I'm just... Let me buy you a cone.
- Please.
- No, no.
No.
I'm just helping you find
the guy who killed your wife
so you can get revenge.
(Frank sighs)
Hey.
You don't have to repay me
every time I do you a favor.
That's not how...
[Rob And Frank] Friendship works.
[Frank] You said it.
Okay.
Oh.
Go talk to Hannah and
see how she knows Jack S.
This is where she works.
Okay.
Oh, okay, so I will call you
and if you wanna catch up
on whatever you're doing...
(door bell chimes)
A bit of spare change, please?
For a poor lad down on his luck?
A bit of spare change.
It will bring you good karma.
Leprechauns will smile upon you.
Hello.
Hello, friend.
What on God's green earth is this?
It's food.
It's cheap diner food full of gluten
and artificial preservatives!
Oh, no, it's really good.
I thought you might be hungry.
The one lad in this whole city
trying to take care of me health,
and you try to curse me skin
with premature wrinkles with this junk.
Oh, I'm sorry, I-
Be gone with ye.
Ye, yeah, whatever.
Fuck this accent.
Look, asshole.
Why don't you show some goddamn respect
and give me something
organic or hormone free
from Whole Natural Foods next time?
- I'm sorry.
- You inhumane piece of shit.
Do you think I manage to
keep this beautiful, glowing skin
by eating that kind of crap?
- No?
- No.
Artificial preservatives
equals artificial aging.
Everyone knows that you-
[Hannah] Yeah, it's 10
for a point, 100 for a G.
It's pure, good shit.
Interesting tattoo.
Ugh, god. I'll hit you up later.
(upbeat rock music)
Jack S.
Is just some crazy ex-husband of mine
who crushed my heart
and permanently ruined my mental health.
That I still wanna get back
together with because I'm weak.
But he can probably beat you up.
So who are you?
And how do you know about my tattoo?
I had to prevent this
beautiful single woman
from getting back together
with Jack S. At all costs.
To protect her, of course.
I'm gonna be straight with you.
I'm looking for the man who killed my wife
and his name is Jack S.
Now, I'm not saying it's your Jack S.,
but it is highly likely that
your ex-husband killed my wife.
So you shouldn't see him anymore.
For your own protection.
Are you like a detective?
No.
(Rob clears throat)
Just a man trying to avenge his dead wife.
A loyal and courageous thing to do.
Did Jack S. Do that to your face?
It was an accident.
An accident?
Yeah.
He was boxing and I
slipped on a banana peel
and fell in front of a punching bag.
Seemed reasonable.
Well, I need to ask him a few questions.
Do you know where he is?
Okay.
You're being serious.
I thought you were trying to pick me up.
(Rob laughs)
Which would be really fucking weird.
(Rob laughs)
[Rob] This is funny
because it wouldn't be weird.
I don't know where he is.
You know, the last time I saw him,
he jumped into some
random car and took off on me.
But I do have the license
plate of the car he got into.
Probably the girl he
was cheating on me with.
I had to prove that that was the case
and that he was a murderer.
Well, let me run the
license plate number for you.
See what I can find.
I am gonna need your
phone number, of course.
(tense music)
Okay.
Sure.
(glasses clink)
(Rob coughing)
(upbeat quirky music) (Rob chuckles)
I had to find whose
license plate this was,
which I totally knew how to do.
What's a DMV?
Ah!
But the dead wife flashbacks set in,
preventing me from being
able to continue the easy search,
because they're so debilitating.
(melancholy piano music)
I was a corporate investigator.
My job was to apply detective skills
and an understanding of
corporate policy and structure
to solve cases of corporate
fraud and misconduct.
I uncovered corporate conspiracies.
Wow!
Whew.
Hey Rob, did I ever tell you?
You have a great smile.
[Rob] Oh.
Are you guys talking about Rob's smile?
Simon and I were just
talking about Rob's smile.
It's one of a kind.
It's phenomenal.
[Rob] As much as we loved one another,
I think marriage life took a toll on her.
[Office Worker 1] How
do you get so great?
(alarm ringing)
(soft upbeat music)
You tell him I said no deal. No deal.
What we gonna do here is
we gonna send him over $50,000...
(water boiling)
(television blaring)
(insects buzzing)
(fan whirring)
She always cooks spaghetti,
my least favorite food.
Honey, I'm home.
(Rob grunts)
I had such a great day at the office.
(knife thudding) (water boiling)
Honey, you're not
actually cooking anything.
Hey, why don't I be the
one to do the cooking?
Oh-
'Cause, you know, I'm such a good cook.
Yeah, you are a good cook.
I mean, I'm an award-winning chef.
Yeah I'm really sorry about that.
It's okay. (Chuckles)
I like cooking my
favorite foods, which are...
Pizza.
Pizza
Cheeseburgers.
Yum yum yum
And cherry pie.
[Singer] Oh, look at all that food.
(soft sensual music)
I could totally figure out the DMV stuff,
but the trauma from the dead
wife flashbacks immobilized me.
You know what? How about I just do this?
I was forced to have someone else do it.
(Rob laughs)
Rob, you are a genius.
There we go.
The best place to exchange
sensitive information
is either a hotel room, a
golf course or a movie theater.
I decided to go with movie theater.
Okay.
You passed.
- Passed what?
- The test.
- What test?
- This.
This is a test. (Chuckles)
I mean, obviously I could
have gotten the DMV records,
but I wanted to see if you could.
Why are we at a movie theater?
(Rob laughs)
Because this is sensitive information
and people exchange sensitive information
at the movie theater because
nobody is watching them.
Well, shouldn't we be in the theater then
and not out here where we're
clearly visible to everyone?
Well, the movie already started
and we can't talk in the theater.
Unless you want to ruin the
movie for everybody. (Chuckles)
Can I just have my money?
Mm.
Um, not until you show me
how to read the document.
The plate belongs to Erin Rose.
That can't be right.
[Craigslist Guy] That's what it says.
What's her address?
The fuckin' graveyard
'cause Erin Rose is dead.
(tense music)
Oh, don't mind me.
I'm just looking for an
outlet to plug my phone.
I know there's one around here somewhere.
I just know it.
[Rob] What does this
look like? The outlet mall?
Hey, so what are you doing after this?
(tense music)
It was clear that Jack S.
Murdered my wife Erin Rose,
which I already knew, of course,
so it was like no big deal
that I found this information out.
It was kind of redundant,
like how I already knew
how to search the DMV records.
My mission was clear.
I had to find Jack S.
And bring him to justice
by sending him to a maximum security prison
where he'll never be able to contact
the pretty bartender Hannah ever again.
Oh, hey, Craigslist Guy.
Yes, it's me, Rob.
That's right. We met the other day.
Yeah, so, I wanted to know if I wanted you
to help me and see if you could
find someone who may or
may not be a killer, okay?
Now this would be the
second portion of the test,
which we talked about earlier, and-
(call drops)
Hello?
Hello?
Damn these tapped phone lines.
(alarm ringing)
Her depression got worse and worse.
Life became an algorithm,
her the machine, every day the same.
What does he think this
is? This is business, man.
What you need to tell him is
we gonna send him 50,000...
(television blaring)
(insects buzzing)
(fan whirring)
When I wasn't uncovering
corporate conspiracies,
I was executing a hobby of mine.
Hobbies are attractive to the opposite sex.
My main hobby is salsa
dancing, which is sexy,
interesting and something
I can do with a partner.
And if I wasn't executing my main hobby,
I was executing my favorite pastime,
which was searching DMV records.
Something I can totally not only do,
but is one of my favorite pastimes.
I was being so productive
in other aspects of my life
that I wasn't there for her
when she needed me most.
That I wasn't there for her
when she needed me most.
I could totally solve Jack S's whereabouts,
but I figured the best way
was not to go looking for him,
but for him to come looking for me.
So let me get this straight.
You don't wanna find Jack.
You wanna keep me locked in your apartment,
stage my house like Jack murdered me...
Mm-hm.
Forcing him to come find you
where you'll set a trap to capture him?
Mm-hm.
And then send him away to a
maximum security prison, yes.
Okay.
Really?
I don't think Jack killed anyone,
but if you can find him,
I'd like to give him a piece of my mind.
So sure, let's do it.
Cool. (Chuckles)
[Hannah] You're, like, way too excited.
Just...
Docking the space shuttle.
- Okay, that's weird.
- Oh, sorry.
Frank, it's Rob.
I got huge news.
Huge, okay?
Um...
In fact, it's so important,
I'm gonna call you back right now.
Just one more time.
Oh my god!
You think the whole fucking world revolves-
In order to stage the
disappearance of Hannah,
I had to essentially craft
my own murder mystery.
And who knows murder mysteries better
than a screenwriter for the movies?
And since I couldn't tell
my good screenwriting friend
this was going on
in real life, I had to lie
and tell my good friend it
was for my own screenplay
that I was writing.
I am the best screenwriter in town,
so you came to the right
professional for advice.
- That's why I came to you.
- Yeah.
Oh, one more thing.
Whoever wrote "Gone
Girl" is way more talented
than you'll ever be.
(hand thuds)
All right, let me just adjust this...
Sorry, sorry, sorry, my bad. Sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
So, like, why am I connected
to a lie detector machine again?
[Antonio] First act catastrophe.
Horrible structure.
Bad denouement.
So, the first thing the
wife character needs to do,
gets some of her blood and
spread it around the house.
Yeah.
Get some of that vampire action in, right?
That's actually a really good idea.
Uh, yeah, vampires.
No, vampires? What the
hell are you talking about?
The blood is to make it look like
she was brutally murdered by her husband.
They need evidence
that foul play was involved.
Vampires.
There's no vampires allowed in neo noir.
You can't cross genres like that.
Everybody knows that.
(liquid splattering)
Like I said, so we're
trying to figure out
your infectious disease history.
And just make sure that...
What my friend Antonio wasn't thinking
is the safety aspect of
collecting Hannah's blood.
Before collection, I had to make sure
she didn't have a deadly infectious disease
that I would catch while drawing her blood.
And, unfortunately, I couldn't take her
to the doctor to do this as it would leave
a Hannah alive trail,
so I was forced to buy
a lie detector machine
and ask about her
infectious disease history
in order to prevent the spread of disease,
which is a good thing for humanity
and shows that I care about Earth
and the people that make up Earth.
Did you ever see the
movie, "Andromeda Strain?"
Before we get into your infection history,
I just need to ask you a
couple of general questions
so I can get a good read on you.
A baseline, right?
- Ready?
- Okay.
Okay first question.
What's your favorite food?
Spaghetti.
Okay.
You know, it's funny, so is mine.
Isn't that interesting?
Yeah.
Cool.
All right, anyways, it's a pass. (Chuckles)
Uh...
What do you like in a guy?
Really?
I mean, let's just answer
the questions, you know?
(Hannah scoffs)
I don't know. How about
someone who's athletic?
Okay.
Athletic.
What else?
Someone smart.
Like a detective?
No, like a writer.
(machine beeping)
Hm, okay. Writer.
True.
What else?
I don't know.
What?
How about someone who
has a good sense of humor?
(Rob laughs)
Why are you laughing?
(Rob laughs)
I thought you were joking.
No.
Oh.
Okay. Okay, so, let's see.
Anything else?
I don't know.
Someone who has their own hobbies, right?
Okay.
Like, uh, salsa dancing maybe?
Sals...
No, what? (Laughs)
Salsa dancing?
What? No.
No.
How about, like, skateboarding?
Skateboarding?
Really?
Yeah.
Skateboarding.
The little kid activity.
Okay, it's not a little kid activity.
How about, like, adults
do it? It's like a pro thing.
I mean, you do know that salsa dancing
has been rated the number one activity
that females find attractive.
Okay, well, I don't find it attractive.
Well, I mean... All right?
I like skateboarders, okay?
Skateboarders are hot.
Okay, but salsa dancing
is sexy and physical
and you can do it with a couple.
- Skateboarding.
- Okay, okay, okay.
You know what? Let's
move forward, shall we?
Okay.
'Cause...
honestly skateboarding
wasn't even on that freaking list, so.
(Rob laughs)
Skateboarding. (Laughs)
I might have to recalibrate this.
Okay, let's just move on, shall we?
Okay.
Let us go with, okay,
describe a perfect first date.
Ugh.
How about a cute guy cooks me
a homemade spaghetti dinner and,
I don't know, we open a bottle of wine
and watch a horror movie and
then make out on the couch.
Okay.
Perfect.
All right.
So I think I got a pretty good read on you,
and now I'm gonna ask
you the real question, okay?
- Okay.
- All right.
Are you aware of having
any infectious disea...
[Hannah] Can I ask you something?
[Rob] Anything.
I think this is a very loyal thing
you're doing for your wife, but why?
Why what?
Why are you doing it?
Well, for love.
Love?
I'd do anything for love.
I don't believe in love.
Love is a fantasy.
It's a false reality we delude
ourselves into believing
in order to get by.
The whole idea of love
is a weakness in people.
You have to rely on you and you alone
in order to get by in this world,
whatever it takes.
No. I don't think so.
I mean, you can become
infatuated with someone, but love?
Like what even is love?
Well, you can't describe it.
If you can't describe
it, it doesn't exist.
But you feel it.
So powerfully that words
don't even do it justice.
It's unexplainable.
That's why it's so powerful.
Hm.
Have you ever been in love?
(Hannah sighs)
Okay, look, I wish that I had
that feeling about someone.
You never had that with Jack S.?
No.
No, I, I never had that
feeling about anyone.
Well, if it's one
thing that I've learned,
it's that you have to
take action to find love,
'cause it won't come to you.
Whatever it takes.
So, um, this is gonna be
really, really, really painful.
Aren't you supposed to do it in my arm?
Mm, no.
It's the neck.
That's where the blood
pumps the most powerfully
so it can get to the brain.
Have you done this before?
No.
But do you trust me?
Yes.
What did you do?
Number one rule not
panic... What did you do?
I, I... Okay.
What are you just standing
there for? Get something for it.
Me and Hannah were having some
of the best moments of
conversation I've ever had.
So good that I felt guilty.
I must admit, connecting with a woman again
only seemed to bring back
the memories of my dead wife.
(Rob sighs)
What are you, why are you passing out?
I...
(alarm ringing)
Her depression got worse.
Started messing with her mind.
Put him on the phone right now.
Put him on the phone.
Listen, if you do not sign this paperwork,
I will jump through this
phone, strangle you...
(Rob laughs) (television blaring)
She lost her sanity.
[Erin] No, no, no.
Do you not see the circles, Rob?
[Rob] I-I-I-
We're living the same
day over and over again.
Do you hear yourself?
That's not possible.
I cooked dinner for you last night
and I'm doing it again right now.
How do you explain that?
Because that's what people do.
They make dinner every night.
And baby, how many
times do have to tell you,
let me, the really good chef,
be the one who does the cooking?
No, no.
We need to kill ourselves.
It's the only way to
get out of this repetition
and end the cycle.
Erin.
- Erin?
- Yeah?
Erin, I think you need professional-
(Erin screams)
You're not listening
to me. This isn't reality.
Okay, okay.
And even if this was some
repetitive time loop cycle thing,
that never works in the movies
whenever they try to kill themselves
to get out of the cycle.
No, this isn't the movies, Rob.
And you know what?
You're gonna have to kill me first.
I'm no gonna kill you.
Because I don't think I
have it in me to kill you.
(Erin sobbing)
It's okay.
It's okay.
[Psychiatrist] Erin Rose.
[Rob] She was living
in a different reality.
(clock ticking)
Repeat it with me.
[Both] I am not repeating the same day
over and over again...
in a repetitive time loop
like the plot of a lot of movies.
I am not repeating the
same day over and over again
in a repetitive time loop
like the plot of a lot of movies.
I am not repeating the
same day over and over again
in a repetitive time loop
like the plot of a lot of movies.
I am not repeating the
same day over and over again
in a repetitive time loop
like the plot of a lot of movies.
(clock ticking)
[Psychiatrist] Great work today.
Kubrick literally
just ripped off the idea
for "The Shining" from Stephen King,
which was a novel that King wrote first.
He just stole it without permission
and just acted like it was his own idea.
Excuse me?
Stanley Kubrick actually had
the full rights to "The
Shining" adaptation.
No, he didn't.
He's messing with your
mind. That's what Kubrick does.
Now get outta here.
Scram.
Anyways, we're getting off topic.
Hey, the next thing you
need to do in your story
is have the character stage a struggle.
Make it look like she was
suffering, fighting for her life.
How do I do that?
You need to wreck
the place up a little bit.
The struggle needs to be realistic
because what did we talk about?
The first rule of
screenwriting is everything
needs to be realistic.
Wait, I thought you
said that the first rule
of screenwriting is to start-
This Hannah character needs to stage it
exactly like how she
would stage it in real life.
Not too much, not too little.
Believe...
Believability.
Yeah.
Yeah believability.
That's good.
In order to stage a
struggle in Hannah's house
with such precision,
I had to know exactly how she would react
in a real life fight.
I was forced to have to spar with Hannah
in real life to study her body movements.
Luckily, as you'll see,
I am a professional athlete.
A boxer.
And because I put safety before anything,
I created an orientation video for her.
So, I mean, a lot of people
ask me a lot of questions
on how do I get in better shape?
How do I get a six pack?
How come I can't get the girl I like?
Well, did you put in the time?
Did you put in the effort?
I start my day by waking
up and doing 350 pushups.
Zoom in on my face.
(Rob grunting) (upbeat electronic music)
(Rob chuckles)
I then take as many vitamin supplements
as I can get my hands on.
Oh, those are mine.
I just, they fell in your bag.
[Hannah] Dude, that is my Molly.
Oh, who's Molly? (Pills crunching)
Well, they're just supplements, you know?
You gotta, you know,
you gotta keep up that...
I feel stronger already.
Calories.
It's really important.
It's really important to make sure
that your body's getting
the nutrients that it requires.
(upbeat electronic music)
I then exit my door and run 20 miles.
(Rob imitating airplane engine)
Oh, no.
When I was in Kenya, this
is actually how they ran, so...
There's a whole science
behind that technique.
It's a technique.
Cool.
[Rob] But there's always
someone waiting for an autograph.
(Rob barfs)
- Oh, what the fuck?
Fuckin'...
(Rob groans)
(Rob coughing)
(Rob gagging)
[Rob] I then hit the gym.
(man grunting) (Rob grumbling)
(man yells) (Rob yells)
(man breathing heavily)
Then I go to work as a pro boxer.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, ho ho, ho.
Hey, hey, hey. How's it going?
How's it going?
Hey, you fightin' next?
[Rob] The definition of a pro athlete
is someone who makes money for exchange
of their sports execution skills.
Listen, I got $50 for you, okay?
$50. No, no, no, no, no.
That's not necessary.
$50, $50 if you go
down in the the sixth, no!
The fifth. I fucked that up.
If you go down in the fifth, okay?
Go down in the fifth, $50 for you, okay?
Now let me tell you somethin'.
Okay, if you take this money, take this 50
and you don't go down on the fifth...
Consider yourself dead, okay?
Take the 50.
$50, down in the fifth.
[Rob] This exchange of money
for my athletic execution skills
proves that I am a professional athlete.
[Hannah] There you go.
Yeah, see?
[Hannah] Cool editing.
[Gangster] There you go.
[Rob] Well, no, there's no edit.
This is, it's just a lot of money.
[Gangster] Okay?
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Got that?
- Yeah.
50, fifth.
Hey!
Look who it is, the fuckin' creep.
I told you if I saw you again,
you were gonna fucking die!
[Gangster] Oh, whoa.
(man yelling) Whoa, whoa!
Whoa!
(man yelling) (Rob yelling)
(all yelling)
Why?
(hit thuds) Oh!
(shrill beeping)
(Rob sighs)
Oh.
(Rob chuckles)
You know, it's funny, I...
Come on, let's go. Come on.
[Hannah] You're not protecting your face.
No, I am.
Come on, wuss.
- What?
- Come on, wuss.
- I'm not a wuss.
- Yeah you are, come on.
Fuck you! (Hit thuds)
Rob?
Oh, sorry.
I was in the zone on my new
script idea that I thought of.
Oh, cool. What's it about?
It's a really personal story.
[Rob] Oh, is it about bobbleheads?
No. Why would it be about bobbleheads?
I don't write about bobbleheads, okay?
I don't write comedy.
I write important stuff
that changes the universe for the better.
But anyways, let's get on
to the next lesson, okay?
This next part is where
you need to get creative.
This Hannah character has to
leave behind a made up diary.
You create a fake relationship history
between her and Jack,
from the moment they met
up to the point where she
thinks he's going to kill her.
To be believable, it has to be magical,
so make it pop off the page.
Oh, that won't be a problem at all.
Yeah.
Talk about how unbelievable the sex was.
The romance of it all.
And slowly you unravel
Jack S's darker intentions.
- Maybe he loses his job.
- Yeah.
They start having money issues.
He decides to start cheating on Hannah.
Why would Jack decide to kill his wife?
Yeah.
Yeah.
(phone ringing)
(dramatic music)
Um, shouldn't I be the one
that's writing my made up diary?
Well, one thing that I forgot to mention
was I'm actually a master at writing.
Oh.
So I'm like really,
really, really good at it.
And so I wrote it myself.
Okay.
Do you want me to read
you your made up diary?
Which I wrote with my writing?
Sure.
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
October 1st.
Jack S. Is hot.
I meet a hot Jack S.
He is interesting. He also likes spaghetti.
I will ponder dating
such a man this fortnight.
October 19th.
Me and Jack S. Have been dating.
He kind of smells bad...
But I like him a lot.
We are getting married.
January 25th.
All good things chill out over time,
especially after marriage.
We are no longer in the
stage where we are obsessed
with kissing each other.
I think this led to Jack
S. Masturbating in public.
[Hannah] What?
Which I found incredibly weird behavior.
I still love him, but
this is a side of Jack S.
I never thought I'd see.
March 31st.
Jack got caught masturbating
at work again and was fired.
He cried like a little baby.
We now have money issues.
He is lazy, I am finding.
I fear that he isn't man
enough for me, despite...
I still kind of love him.
Question mark.
I didn't know you could write out
question mark for
emphasis, but it's brilliant.
- Yeah, kinda.
- Brilliant.
April 14th.
I've just realized Jack S.
Is so not smart like a writer.
(Hannah chuckles) June 11th.
Jack is still not working.
I pay all the bills, which
led to an argument.
His temper's so bad now that I'm worried
he's gonna take his anger out on me.
Physically, over verbally.
In this situation, physically
means like punching
as opposed to verbally,
which are just words.
December 31st.
Jack S. Has been cheating
on me with someone
who got turned on by watching
him masturbate in public.
For some reason he has
taken life insurance out,
which I can't ponder such a why, unless...
I shouldn't even think like that.
Of course Jack S. Wouldn't kill...
I don't even want to say the word.
He also bought sharp knives.
Hm!
I'm scared for my life!
(dramatic music)
Whew.
[Rob] Yeah.
- It's a masterpiece.
- Thank you.
[Hannah] Mm-hm, yeah.
The diary format is just so difficult.
- I know.
- You mastered it.
I know, I mean... First try.
Honestly, I didn't think
Anne Frank hit it, really.
[Hannah] Mm-mm.
But this? Jesus Christ.
[Hannah] Mm-hm.
[Rob] What's your favorite Disney movie?
Um...
"Mulan."
Really?
Huh.
You know, I love "Beauty and the Beast."
Mm-hm?
And I love it because, you know,
at first she thinks the guy's a beast.
But then she realizes that he's actually
a pretty awesome guy.
(soft upbeat music)
I know.
After this, do you wanna
watch a Tarantino movie?
A who what?
A Tarantino movie.
Have you not seen "Pulp Fiction?"
Oh my god.
Okay, we have to watch "Pulp Fiction."
[Antonio] I could have been
working with Ben and Finch.
Me, not her. Me!
- Say it.
- Say what?
Do it, say it!
I don't know what
you're asking me to say.
This is really good research
for my screenplay. Thanks.
Oh, cool. (Chuckles)
Come on.
Okay, so this last part
is especially important.
Sure you can set up this Jack S...
Come on, keep up.
Sure, you can set up this
Jack S. Character as a murderer,
but what's really gonna
get this motherfucker
to go find her?
He knows he didn't kill the wife.
But you need to get all of
America against this guy.
Make him the most hated guy on the planet.
And what does America love?
- Uh...
- They love pregnant women.
So you need to convince them.
Not only did this guy kill
his wife, this guy, (scoffs)
This guy killed his pregnant wife.
Oh.
Okay.
(dramatic music)
Demon spirits, bring
this baby into this world.
Getting Hannah pregnant
was a perfect opportunity
to show how good my sense of humor is.
He will have his father's eyes!
What the fuck?
Joke.
Joke!
(Rob chuckles)
I did a joke. It was
just a really funny joke.
(Rob laughing)
What are you doing?
Well... (laughs)
Well, I have a great sense of humor.
So I thought I would successfully
execute a joke on you (laughs)
That also plays into my
love of horror. (Laughs)
Why is there a pentagram on the floor?
I was gonna summon the devil
to come impregnate you. (Laughs)
Oh, oh yeah.
We have to get you pregnant
so that America sides with
you when you go missing.
This is stupid.
I'm hungover and I'm going back to sleep.
Wait, no, no. Wait, Hannah.
Wait, wait, wait. Hannah.
Hannah, wait. Wait, wait.
Look, anytime anyone gets
pregnant in a situation like this,
there's always a baby conspiracy.
A baby conspiracy?
Yeah.
Yeah, see, in order for the
pregnancy to seem believable,
it can't be Jack S's baby
'cause no one would believe
the actual husband would be the father.
That's just too easy. It's too simple.
There has to be some type of mystery
as to who the actual father is.
That's baby believability 101. (Chuckles)
So you thought
that you'd stage a Satanic ritual
and impregnate me
with the child of the devil?
(Rob laughs)
Yes.
Well, I mean, it could be the devil's baby.
Well, I mean, I guess the
only other option would be...
(Rob chuckles)
My baby. (Laughs)
So, I mean, Satan's baby or my baby?
It's your choice.
Okay, so we will take this picture.
I will hide it in your house
and then the police
will find it as evidence,
pass it on to the media and then boom.
America will believe that you were pregnant
before you got murdered.
Smile.
Smile.
Smile.
(camera clicks)
Is the therapy not working?
'Cause your psychologist
thinks you might be watching
the movie "Groundhog Day" too much.
Do you love me?
What? Of course.
How could you say that?
You're everything to me.
If you love me, then I
need you to promise me this.
Okay, fine.
What is it?
If something ever happens to me, promise,
promise me you'll find
someone else, another wife.
I want you to be happy.
Erin, I don't even
wanna think about that.
Promise.
I couldn't do that to you.
I'm too loyal.
Rob.
Please, swear to me
you'll find someone else.
The pinky promise is nothing
to mess around about with, Erin.
I need to know that you'll be happy.
If I accept this,
there's no turning back.
You know the rules.
I would have to do literally
everything in my power
to find another wife. (Tense music)
In order to fulfill my beloved
dead wife's final wishes,
I had to find another
partner to satisfy her.
And it just so happened that
the woman who I was protecting
happened to be into a
guy that was athletic, smart,
like a writer and had a killer
sense of humor. (Chuckles)
It just seemed like she's
destined to be my partner
that my late dead wife wanted me to have.
Hey, so I was thinking
that maybe tomorrow, we,
I could make you some spaghetti.
Yeah, I love spaghetti.
(television blaring)
And we could watch a horror movie.
Yeah, sounds great.
[Announcer On TV] The
pitching has been great,
the defense has been great.
Unbelievable.
Like a date?
[Announcer On TV] I can
see our batter coming up.
We got Big Stanley coming up.
Look, Rob, I don't...
Uh, wait, um...
Can I show you something?
[Hannah] I didn't know
we were going outside.
Stupid.
I can't see.
No, well, okay. (Chuckles)
Ta-da!
I come here all the time.
What for?
Hang out with my owl friend.
(soft music)
Did you ever hear the story
about how that building was made?
I know the story.
Oh yeah?
Tell it to me. (Soft music)
Well the guy who built it was very lonely
and he knew that there would
be a lot of people in the city
who felt lonely, too.
'Cause the more people
there are, the lonelier you feel.
And anytime you feel
like you don't have anyone,
you just look up.
And the owl is there watching down on you
and you feel a little bit less lonely,
'cause there's always
someone there with you.
And you know there are other
people out there looking up,
feeling the same way.
Yeah, sure.
Hey.
Are you okay?
(soft piano music)
You have a really interesting
way of looking at things.
I'll give you that.
I'll go on a date with you.
Really?
(soft piano music)
(Rob inhales)
(Rob exhales)
(dramatic music)
Before our date tonight,
I had only a few last remaining steps.
I took all the props to Hannah's house
and there I staged her entire fake murder.
Oh, god.
If only Rob were here.
Rob.
Rob!
Where's Rob?
(Rob imitates knife slicing)
Ah, oh!
Oh!
Well that's what you get, Hannah,
for finding a better man than me. (Laughs)
Hannah is gonna freak
out whenever she sees this.
(dramatic music)
- It's a masterpiece.
- Thank you.
[Hannah] They're gonna
be teaching this in schools.
(dramatic music)
[Rob] Oh, well, yeah.
(dramatic music)
[911 Operator] 911,
what's your emergency?
Oh my god, this is Hannah.
Oh.
Jack, no, don't. Don't.
No, please. Put down the knife!
(Rob screams)
Someone come to my house and save me!
(phone thuds)
(Rob chuckles)
Check, Jack.
And now it was time for
me and Hannah's date.
Be cool, Rob.
Hannah?
(tense music)
(melancholy music)
(toilet flushes)
Literally at this exact moment,
you're probably wondering
how I was going to catch Jack S.
Once my plan successfully
led him to my apartment.
So, hide behind the couch.
What?
[Rob] But that wasn't it.
[Sam J] So why you try to
fuck him like a bitch, Brad?
Whoa, this is really good.
Fuck yeah, I told you so.
[Rob] When me and
Hannah watched "Pulp Fiction,"
it gave me an idea on how
to get the jump on an intruder.
So I strategically
placed a box of Pop Tarts
next to my toaster, as well
as the most delicious drink
on planet Earth that just so happens
to be super compatible with Pop Tarts,
chocolate milk, which
I then put laxatives in
for the purpose of getting
him to use the bathroom.
And therefore I would then
have the jump on Jack S.
Once Hannah notified
me from behind the couch.
(blender buzzing)
(upbeat percussive music)
But my plan didn't work,
because Hannah did not
remain behind the couch.
Can you see me?
Nope.
(Rob yells)
(toaster pings)
Pop Tarts.
(tense bass music)
You're Jack S., right?
No frosting?
I should have known.
Look man, Hannah is in love with me now
and you're too late.
And, honestly, you should
probably go turn yourself
into the police.
And the frosting isn't as
good as people think it is.
Yes, it is. This is a plain pastry.
Who wants this?
Rob.
(Rob chuckles)
Frank.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Hey, Frank, look who I successfully caught.
There's no frosting.
(tense music)
Aw, here you go.
Okay.
(cars whooshing in the distance)
Okay, cool.
Great. (Chuckles)
Uh, so, let's get this guy to
a maximum security prison.
No.
That won't work.
Yes it will.
There's no proof
that he killed Erin Rose.
He'll be free before we know it.
Wait, what?
Why didn't you think of that
before I kidnapped Hannah
and forced a murderer
to come to my apartment?
You have to take care of him yourself.
Don't let anyone see you.
What, like...
Kill him?
This is the guy you've been looking for.
This is the guy that murdered your wife.
It's time now for revenge.
(tense music)
Hey, look, if you don't dispose of Jack S.,
then he'll get back with Hannah.
Do you wanna be alone
for the rest of your life?
No.
No.
You know what to do.
(tense music)
(Jack S. Snoring)
(tense music)
Stop putting the blanket on him.
What if he gets cold?
The whole point of
putting him in the trunk
is so that he's uncomfortable.
Now, get rid of this guy.
And again, don't let anyone see you.
(trunk slams)
See, the reason Erin
Rose thought we were living
in some kind of repetitive daily time loop
was because she became
addicted to hardcore street drugs.
She did it to band-Aid the depression.
You got the drugs?
[Ice Cream] Yeah, how much you want?
Lots.
She got caught up with the wrong people.
People who would kill her for her drugs.
Yeah, I can do that for you.
(electronic hip hop music)
It's too gruesome to show,
so I hired a film crew and
an actor to play Jack S.
Hannah and I played the
roles of Erin Rose and Rob
and I played myself because
acting is another skill of mine
that I forgot to mention.
So we filmed the less
gruesome reenactment of it
that I am inserting here.
So, does everyone know the blocking?
(actor vocalizing)
So for this scene, I
wanna do it in slow motion.
And what... That's a great idea.
Right?
And what that's gonna do is increase
the dramatic effect of the scene.
Yeah, are you sure about that?
I mean, usually we just
film it at a higher frame rate
and then slow it down in the edit.
Rule number one as
a director on a film set.
Never, never let the crew
think you don't know something.
Um, I know what I'm doing.
Okay.
So do it the way I said.
Okay, man. Your movie.
All set here.
All right.
Okay.
And...
Act.
[Cameraman] Uh you're
in front of the camera.
Yeah, I'm supposed to
be in front of the camera.
I'm the star of this.
No, like, you're in front
of the camera, I can't...
Oh.
[Hannah] Do I have the first line?
Yeah.
Oh.
How was your day?
It was good.
I solved another corporate conspiracy.
You did that yesterday.
Yes, because it's my job.
Where are the drugs?
Not in my house.
(Rob spits)
(bell dings)
(fist whooshing) (actor grunts)
(actor grunts)
(Rob grunts)
Stop that.
(dramatic music)
Slip...
(dramatic music) (Rob grunting)
Oh, shit.
(Rob grunts)
All he ever did was love
(actor imitating knife slicing)
(bag thuds)
[Hannah] Okay, I got
stabbed. Where do you want me?
Just here next to me. (Chuckles)
(Rob groans)
Oh.
Oh, goodbye Erin Rose.
My one true love.
(Rob sighs)
What are you doing?
I was going in for a kiss.
(Hannah laughs)
Yeah, I'm not kissing you.
Well, no, that was in the script.
Oh, was it?
I don't care.
I am not kissing you.
(people chattering in the distance)
(Jack S. Gasps)
Good morning.
That was like the best sleep of my life.
[Rob] Good.
(Jack S. Sighs)
Why am I handcuffed?
So this is really awkward for both of us,
but I'm gonna have to kill you.
No.
[Rob] Well, it's not
up to you. It's up to me.
You're not gonna kill me.
I am gonna kill you.
[Jack S.] You're gonna
kill me in this parking lot?
Well, before I kill you,
I wanted to give you one
last day of ultimate fun.
(Jack S. Sighs)
What? Wait, wait, wait, look.
Shut the door. Let me go back to sleep.
No, hey.
I had a wife. She died.
Her name was Erin Rose
and I wish she could have had one last day
of ultimate fun before she
died a horrific, bloody death.
So much blood.
Just kill me.
No.
Just shut the door and let me suffocate
in this super comfy trunk.
No, I'm not gonna kill you yet.
By the way, I'm pretty
sure you were the one
who killed my wife, so
the least you could do
is let me give you one last day
of ultimate fun-
[Jack S.] Let this be my last resting...
And we had one of the best days ever.
One, two, three.
Go.
- Yeah!
- That was horrible.
- Rob.
- Sorry.
Give me this fuckin' hand, Rob.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, sorry,
- Cock.
- Cock.
- Cock.
- Cock.
Cock!
Cock!
C-(video game beeps)
Why didn't you cock?
Get it.
(Jack S. Grunts)
Get it. (Jack S. Grunts)
Get it!
If it's on my side, like, let me hit it.
I know. I am, I am.
- That was pretty good.
- You're in my way.
It didn't even go over the net!
Put your arm up with me.
- Go with me.
- Yeah.
- Go with me.
- I'm going.
(ball thuds)
- Can I go?
- Yeah.
Are you gonna let me shoot it?
Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
(ball thuds)
Get that shit out-
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I'm sorry, Jack.
- Just match my rhythm.
- I will, I will.
I will, I will. Totally.
- Okay?
- I'm on board.
Yeah, I'm with you, Jack.
I'm with you.
Oh Jack, look.
Rob.
I thought you were fuckin'...
Don't whisper in my ear.
Just...
Just...
Well that's your fault.
- That's pretty good, though.
No, you put yourself
there... It's coming back,
it's coming back.
Yeah, it's coming back again.
- You can't kick it.
- Yes you can.
You're not allowed
- to kick it.
- It was coming back.
There's no fuckin' rules, it's putt-putt.
Hey, can I try some of yours?
- It's the same flavor.
- No, come on.
Let me try some.
Rob, it's the same flavor. It's the sa-
(cone crunches)
It's the same fuckin' fl...
You got some stuff on your-
It's the same-(ice cream splatters)
(ice cream splatters)
It's the same flavor as yours.
Jack.
- Hm.
- Damn.
- Well that's unfortunate, right?
- Mm.
Right when I'm about to
kill you, the car won't start.
Look, robot boy, I'm not...
You wanna hang out tomorrow?
(Rob chuckles)
I knew this would happen.
We've become such close
friends that I can't kill you.
And this always happens.
I'm not Jack S.
Okay.
I believe you
"not Jack S."
- No, really.
I'm a detective.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- That's awesome.
- I know.
It's pretty awesome.
(Rob laughs)
You know, I've always
wanted to be a detective.
I was assigned to Hannah's
case when she went missing.
And all this, all this Jack
S. Work I've been doing,
I like to call as spontaneous
undercover acting.
So where's the real Jack S.?
Hannah was never married.
She made Jack S. Up.
She made Jack S. Up?
Yeah, just like you are making up
that you have a wife named Erin Rose.
No, I... You've never had a wife.
I... (chuckles)
I...
You're right. I made all that up.
How'd you know?
Magnifying glass, fingerprints?
Who cares? It doesn't matter.
You just can't get shit past me
'cause I'm a fucking detective.
It's what I do.
Well, you know, there's a
whole long story behind that.
The point is, Hannah made up a husband
in Jack S. Who doesn't exist
and I made up a wife in
Erin Rose who doesn't exist.
Well we do what we have to,
to subdue the pain of
loneliness, I suppose.
But I think that you two
are destined to be together.
Really?
Yeah, you and Hannah. Go get her.
I'll drop you off on the way, okay?
Perfect.
(car starts up)
Well...
will you look at that.
[Hannah] Rob, I've been blind.
Let's do dinner tonight so
you can meet the real me.
Almost like a blind date.
Hugs and kisses, Hannah.
(elevator pings)
Oh, what's that?
You didn't think I learned
how to skateboard? (Chuckles)
Well you're wrong.
It happens to be one
of my favorite hobbies.
You can catch me at the skate park
any day of the week developing my hobby,
which isn't salsa dancing.
It's skateboarding.
One, two, three, four
(upbeat pop rock music)
Fail, fail, fail, fail.
(Rob yells)
You only live once, right?
It's better to burn out
than fade away. (Chuckles)
Fail, fail, fail, fail.
You know, honestly, this is
kind of a mediocre skate park.
It's a little bit amateurish.
Ready?
(skateboard thuds)
Whoa, boy.
Did you see that?
I grinded that whole
thing. I can't believe it.
Yeah
It was the perfect time to put
my skateboarding skills
to use, which I now excel at
and just so happens to cross off everything
Hannah wants in a guy.
The full package.
(car beeps)
Hey.
Hey wait, it's you.
Wait, come here. I need to talk to you!
Come on!
[Rob] This is the moment
I have been preparing for,
for days.
(Rob thuds) (Rob grunts)
(soft upbeat music)
(Rob sighs)
(Rob chuckles)
(knocking on door)
(soft upbeat music)
Hi, Rob.
Come in.
(soft upbeat music)
(Rob claps hands)
(soft upbeat music)
Bon appetit.
(fork clanging)
[Hannah] How's the food?
(Rob coughs)
Jesus Christ.
So good.
This is disgusting.
(fork scraping)
So good.
Are you sure?
(soft upbeat music)
Oh.
See?
I ate every last bit.
(soft upbeat music)
I'm juggling like seven balls right now.
It's amazing. I wish you could see this.
(Hannah vomits)
You ever heard seven balls before?
Seven balls.
(soft upbeat music)
(Sofa squeaks)
(Sofa squeaks)
And your card is...
(soft jazz music)
[Rob] And twirl.
(Hannah sighs)
I have to tell you something.
I never had a husband named Jack S.
I made him up so I'd seem
more like girlfriend material
and that someone could actually love me.
Shh.
I made up Erin Rose, too.
I never had a dead wife.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(Hannah coughing)
Oh. (Coughs)
(Hannah clears throat)
(Hannah coughing)
Something really lodged in there. (Coughs)
(Hannah clears throat)
(Hannah coughing)
(kisses smacking)
Hey!
Are you all right?
Hello? (Fingers snapping)
What happened?
Are you okay?
You tripped on that
little crack over there.
You hit your head pretty bad.
You're not gonna beat
me up again, are you?
Beat you up? No.
No, man, I...
I'm not gonna...
Look, that girl, um...
(man sobbing)
That girl, she, she dumped me.
That's the only reason I beat you up
was just to impress her.
(man sobbing)
Hey.
- Hey, are you okay?
- No.
I'm not a mean guy.
I'm a nice guy.
I'm, I'm sorry for beating you up.
(man sobbing)
I would give you wise advice right now
'cause I feel like I should say
something wise and helpful,
but I can't think real good.
I slammed my head
real hard into the ground.
No.
No, I'm gonna give you some wise advice.
I don't know, are you sure?
'Cause I feel like I should
give you wise advice
in this moment.
Listen, man, don't
ever change who you are
for anyone else, especially a girl.
You can only rely on yourself
so you might as well learn to love it.
Just embrace who you are, flaws and all.
That's when you'll truly find real love.
Not the delusional kind
that makes you do dumb shit.
(man sobbing)
Hey, come here.
(man sobbing) (soft piano music)
(knocking on door)
Hi, Rob.
Come in.
(Rob chuckles)
Frank.
Hello, Rob.
What's up?
Why do you have a gun?
I thought this was a date thing? (Chuckles)
I mean, it's cool, Frank
I'm glad you're here.
I just, I thought we were
on a blind date thing?
Take a seat.
Just do what he says, Rob.
You've been doing so well, Rob,
but it's time to think of Erin.
Who?
Erin Rose.
Your dead wife.
Oh yeah, about that.
I never had a wife.
That's what I wanted to tell you.
I made all that up, just
like you made up Jack S.
Would Erin want you to keep doing this?
Doing what?
To keep playing along
with this little story of yours
about how some guy named Jack S.
Murdered your wife Erin Rose,
and that you're trying to
track him down to get revenge.
Well, I just told you I made that up
like literally five seconds ago.
We've been doing
this for months now, Rob.
The same story over and over again.
I've only known you for a week.
Nine months.
I met you nine months ago.
You told me about your
wife and how she died
and I felt sorry for you.
I truly wanted to help you find Jack S.
And get your revenge.
(Rob laughing)
Funny joke, Frank. That's a good one.
Right?
Right?
Think about it.
You were the one who worked the robotic job
in the mail room at the corporation.
(dramatic music)
[Office Worker 1] Listen,
I ain't been laid in a month
and I'm starting to get really angry
so I need you to tell him to hurry up
and sign his paperwork or he's gonna
be my new mistress, okay?
You let him know I said that.
I know that.
You, not Erin, was the one
who began to lose your mind.
First you started thinking there
were corporate conspiracies
and then you were the
one who began to think
that reality itself was a conspiracy
and that we're all living the
same day over and over again
in some kind of time loop. (Alarm ringing)
(tense music)
Sign the deal. Tell him to sign the deal.
This dude is a snake.
I told you this from the get go, okay?
And he's about to get skinned.
(water boiling)
(Erin laughs)
(insects buzzing)
(fan whirring)
No. No, I made all that up.
I got the idea from a movie.
She thought that if she
took it far enough with you,
to the point to where
you were about to kill her,
that you would snap out of it.
She loved you so much.
She wanted you to do it.
She was willing to risk
her life to save yours.
Don't you remember?
"Take the knife."
"Take the knife and kill me."
We'll wake up and it'll be a new day.
A fresh start for us.
(tense music)
No.
No, no.
No.
You killed your wife.
You killed Erin Rose.
She wanted you to do it.
She thought she could bring you back.
No, you're lying.
You're lying.
(Frank scoffs)
You have to face the truth.
[Rob And Psychiatrist] I
am not repeating the same day
over and over again
in a repetitive time loop
like the plot of a lot of movies.
[Psychiatrist] Good work today.
She died.
And needless to say,
you didn't break the
repetitive daily time loop thing.
You made up a story in your
head so you wouldn't go crazy
about how someone named
Jack S. Murdered your wife
and it became your mission
to find him and kill him.
And we always get to this point
where you think you made
it up and I explain it to you,
but it needs to stick this time, Rob.
Rob, you're Jack S.
You're the killer.
Hannah.
Hannah.
Hannah.
(dramatic music)
Hannah.
(dramatic music)
Hannah.
(dramatic music)
Hannah is my girlfriend, Rob.
(dramatic music)
(melancholy music)
(knife slicing) (Erin grunts)
(Erin breathing heavily)
I love you so much.
It'll be okay.
We'll wake up together.
(melancholy piano music)
Honey, wake up.
I think we broke the cycle.
Honey, wake up.
Erin.
Erin, wake up.
Come on, Erin.
Honey, wake up.
Wake up, Erin. Erin, please wake up.
Erin, Erin, wake up. Please.
Please wake up.
Wake up.
Erin.
Erin, please wake up.
Erin, please wake up.
Please, please.
Erin, no.
(Rob sobbing)
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
(Rob sobbing)
I killed my wife.
I had a wife and I killed her!
No!
No, no!
Rob. Rob, it's okay.
(door opens)
(dramatic music)
(Rob sobs)
(robot dog barks)
(Rob sobbing)
(melancholy music)
Maybe, we can hang out, too. (Chuckles)
Bye.
Oh, is that it?
[Antonio] Oh, there's a customer. Hey.
And I actually did have a wife.
But I killed her because
she wanted me to realize
that I wasn't living in the
same day over and over again
in a repetitive time loop
like the plot of a lot of
movies and I wasn't lonely.
But now the only thing left to do
is turn myself into the police
and hopefully they take
me to the psych ward
where I can do a lobotomy
'cause I don't wanna live
with this trauma anymore.
Or electro-shock therapy.
Yeah.
That's the move.
Electro-shock therapy.
(clock ticking)
What did you write down?
Uh, normal and well.
(Rob scoffs)
Hey.
I'm on my way to turn
myself into the police.
I'll be gone forever in a
maximum security prison.
Rob, you're not going to prison.
You didn't kill Erin Rose.
Frank is setting you up. He's framing you.
I'm being serious.
I had a wife.
He took advantage of how lonely you are
and he knew you'd
rather live in a false reality
than face the truth.
He used me to get to you.
He paid me a lot of money
and I did what I had to do.
What?
I'm leaving.
I'm going far away from here alone.
I just wanted you to know the truth.
I'm sorry, Rob.
I wasn't thinking.
Goodbye.
Because you don't think the right way.
Nobody thinks the right way.
Everyone has it backwards.
You should think with your heart
and feel with your brain,
not the other way around.
If you believe in love, then it exists,
and if you don't, it doesn't.
It's the only thing that works like that.
That's what makes it so
special, if you choose it to be.
(melancholy music) (Rob sobbing)
Before I turned myself into the detective,
I needed to have proof
that I had murdered my wife, Erin Rose.
So I searched for clues that
would put me away for good
as well as get electro-shock therapy.
Bite marks.
(soft mysterious music)
But I did such a good
job covering up the fact
that I murdered Erin Rose
because I'm so talented
that I couldn't find anything.
(Rob sighs)
(soft mysterious music)
[Jack S.] What are you doing, man?
(Rob yells)
How'd you get here?
I'm not allowed to talk about it.
Well, I killed Erin
Rose, who was my wife,
and I'm just trying to find
clues to prove that fact.
Dude, sit down.
I have to tell you something.
- I almost decapitated you.
- No, you didn't.
Sit down.
(Jack S. Laughs)
Hey.
Hey, I've been following
this case a lot longer
than I let on.
Okay, Frank's 100% framing you
for the murder of Erin Rose.
You never had a wife,
you never killed anyone.
Hannah's right.
She must have a pretty big crush on you
if she's telling you the truth.
What's wrong, man?
Hannah's gone.
(Jack S. Spits)
Hannah's gone?
Like she left town?
Yeah.
Okay, I something
very important to tell you.
Hannah's in grave, grave danger.
Hannah!
Hannah.
[Rob] Frank.
You.
You haven't turned yourself
in yet, you murdering creep?
Listen, we don't have a lot of time.
I know you tried to frame me
for the murder of Erin Rose.
(Frank scoffs)
You used to be married.
Think about that.
You had a wife and six best friends.
No. I didn't, Frank.
Look, I know how this is gonna sound,
but you need to hear the truth
and you need to hear it now.
You only believed that you
killed her, your wife Erin Rose.
Interesting.
Go on.
You created this story in your head
where you had to implant
a false reality into me
to make me believe that I killed Erin Rose.
The fact is Erin Rose is alive and well.
She left you for someone
else, some other guy.
And that hurt you so badly
that in order to keep from going insane,
you created this delusion
as a defense mechanism
where you had to kill her and frame me.
You would rather
believe that you killed her
than live with the fact that she left you.
(Frank laughs)
Well there's just one
little flaw in your story.
For me to be living in this
fantasy that you speak of,
I would've had to have
loved Erin Rose so much
that her leaving me drove me insane.
(dramatic music)
[Rob] Despite me looking really scared,
I was not scared at all.
It's what I call spontaneous
undercover acting.
Something I learned from my best friend.
(dramatic music)
(Jack S. Coughing)
No.
I'm fine.
That's part of it.
Now here's what happened.
Frank killed Erin Rose after she left him.
I'm a really good detective,
so obviously I've known
this for a really long time.
I just couldn't collect
enough evidence on him
'cause he's so good at covering his tracks.
Yeah, yeah.
Now Hannah's gonna leave.
You know what he's gonna do to her, right?
- What he did to Erin Rose.
- Exactly.
So for Hannah's sake, we
have to stop this once and for all.
I can't do it alone. I need a partner.
Partner?
Yeah.
- Like you and me partners?
- Yeah.
Like...
[Both] Buddy cops.
Yeah, buddy cops.
(tense music)
- What's that?
- Come on.
Let's do the hand thing that buddy cops
do to symbolize their sacred bond.
(hands slapping)
(slaps hand)
(Jack S. Coughing)
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Well here's the truth.
I don't believe in love.
I'm not lame!
Okay, Frank, listen.
I was lying, okay?
Just don't shoot.
But you did kill her, okay?
She left you and because
you loved her so much,
you had to kill her.
No.
[Rob] Yes.
- No.
- It's the truth, Frank.
No!
I killed her because...
Because...
She was stupid for leaving me,
not because I loved her.
There.
Are you happy? Yes.
Yes, I killed Erin Rose.
I don't even know how I've
made it this far without you.
(soft emotional music)
All right, we got him, partner.
- Enter!
- Freeze!
You're under arrest for
the murder of Erin Rose.
We got the place miked
up the wazoo, Frank.
That's what I call a buddy cop take down.
(gun cocks)
- Freeze, Frank.
I don't wanna have to shoot you.
(tense music)
Don't do it.
You're so pathetic.
(gunshots firing)
No!
(gunshots firing)
(Frank laughs)
I didn't think I'd feel anything,
but that kinda tickled.
(Frank laughs)
Your friend? The detective?
He's in your head, man.
He's your imaginary friend.
(tense music)
Rob.
Hey, look who I successfully caught.
(Frank laughs)
Because I'm so smart,
I immediately knew what was happening
when I saw you talking
with an imaginary friend.
(hit thuds)
(Frank grunting)
Got him.
Yeah.
Imaginary friends are a sign
that you've gone fully delusional,
which I knew was a possibility
whenever implanting
false realities into people,
but I didn't think it was
gonna happen to you.
You know what to do.
(Rob sighs)
Stop putting the blanket on him.
What if he gets cold?
The whole point of
putting him in the trunk
is so that he's uncomfortable.
(trunk slams)
I wanted to give you
one last day of ultimate fun.
Come on.
Come on, we had-
I had a whole day planned out,
just me and you and we're
gonna have awesome fun
before I kill you.
You had to literally handcuff yourself
to an imaginary friend
for it to hang out with you.
One, two, three.
Go.
(ball thuds)
Get that outta here. (Laughs)
Stop worrying.
It just came back.
That's the point.
Can I just hit it?
Thank you.
How so, so sad.
Sometimes you were him.
What's wrong?
(Rob spits)
Hannah's gone?
Sometimes he was you.
I don't even know how I
made it this far without you.
You're a fucking loser.
Why?
I thought I wanted to exist
in this real world place forever at first.
But I can't stand being around you.
It's miserable.
Honestly, I can't be around you anymore.
Why couldn't you have imagined
an imaginary friend with cooler clothes?
Why couldn't you have imagined
six pack abdominal muscles?
Or cool spiky hair or an
interesting taste in clothing?
You could have imagined anything, jerk!
I can't even get laid.
I just want this to be over
'cause I can't stand you.
I'd rather be in nothingness
'cause it's way better than this.
(melancholy music)
Shoot this guy.
(melancholy music)
You don't even realize
you just said all that?
(Frank sighs)
You've only ever been
what you think other people
want you to be, not who you actually are.
You did all these things to get Hannah
to fall in love with you and
you don't even like doing them.
How the hell do you
expect someone to love you
when you don't even know who you are?
And you believe in love
without even loving yourself?
That's why you're delusional
and that's why nobody likes you.
And that's why this whole
idea of love is just insane.
(Frank sighs)
(melancholy music)
(gunshot fires)
(Frank grunts)
(Frank thuds)
(soft tense music)
(tense rock music)
(gun clicks)
(tense rock music continues)
(tense rock music continues)
(tense frenzied rock music)
(tense frenzied rock music)