Bad Shabbos (2024) Movie Script

1
[Soft music playing]

Man: OK, OK.
This one is better.
Second man: Another one?
Oh, you're killing me.
First man: Aw, come on,
you don't want to hear 'em,
I won't tell 'em.
Second man: No, no, no, tell.
First man:
Oh, now you want to hear it?
- Tell the joke,
I'd love to hear it.
- OK, all right.
So, this Rabbi and his prized
student are walking in
the old country, right?
And they decide to
pitch their tent
for the night in some pasture,
and they fall asleep.
Yeah.
A few hours later,
the Rabbi wakes up
and--and he--he shakes,
he shakes his student and
says, "Avi, Avi, wake up!
Look up. What do you see?"
And he says, "I see a million
stars, Rabbi."
And he said, "But what do you
learn from this?"
And he thinks, and he
looks up, and says--
Oh, shit!
- What?
Sheesh.
[Opening credits music begins]

[Jazz music playing]

We gotta pick up a challah.
So, your parents are good
on Shabbos?
Yeah, they, I mean,
they know what this is.
They just haven't
been to one before.
OK, I just don't want them to
freak out.
They're not gonna freak out.
I told them to expect
some prayers
and to keep their phones
in their pockets.
Great. Hi, Gary.
Gary: You guys ready
for tonight?
H-how do you know about that?
Gary: Your dad was here
earlier.
OK. you mind putting
this on my tab?
You know, I'll put on your
mom's.
That's the one
I was talking about.
- Love you, Gary.
- Love you.
[Man talking indistinctly]

[Music fades out]
- Hey!
- Hey!
Oh, watch out.
The hottest couple
on the Upper West Side
coming through.
- Oh, I don't know about that.
- Aw, come on, now.
Oh, David...
I got the menorah, brother.
David: Mmm.
You know what it's
gonna be, right?
It's gonna be lit.
It's gonna be lit!
So, you guys, uh,
ready for tonight?
You talked to my Dad?
Man: Yeah we kind of talked
a little bit. Y'all nervous?
- No.
- Very.
- Well...
- Well, you just seemed like--
- I think I'm a little--
- I'm, like, excited, but--
Guys it'll be fine, come on.
I tell you what,
when Cano takes over my shift,
I'll pop upstairs and I'll
smooth things out.
You good with in-laws
from Wisconsin?
I am great with in-laws
from Wisconsin.
Read my resume, brother.
- Well, there we go.
- There we go.
And, Meg, you have nothing
to worry about.
Just make sure you sit
next to my guy Richie.
Oh, well, I usually sit
next to this guy,
but maybe I won't this time.
[Woman coughs]
Mrs. Grundwerg,
good to see you.
She seems great.
Seriously, I mean David's cool
and all, but Richie?
Come on man,
Richie's the shit.
- Am I right?
- You are right.
- She agrees with me.
- I do agree with you.
Meg: Richie is the shit.
- Good Shabbos, guys!
- Good Shabbos!
[Elevator dings]
It's "Good Shabbos," right?
- Yeah, that's it.
- Shabbos.
Just that your mom
always corrects me,
so I just--I want--
No, it's perfect.
You said it perfectly.
- Shabbos?
- Yeah, you always say
it perfectly.
- OK.
- Yeah, it's impeccable.
- All right.
- You're so good.
- Good.
- You look good. You are good.
- Marry me.
- Well, I'm going to.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
[Elevator doors open]
- We should have eloped.
- Yeah, I agree.
OK.
Good?
David: Yeah. What?
Meg: Just smudged a little...
Man: What about
the macaroni salad?
Woman: That's for Adam.
Man: Oh. Well, what about the
marinated mushrooms?
I mean, nobody even
likes them.
Woman: You eat the
marinated mushrooms.
- No I don't.
- I've seen you eat it.
Man: No, I only eat it
because you buy it.
Woman: I only buy it
because you eat it.
Meg: Good Shabbos!
David: Good Shabbos!
Woman: Oh, my God!
Man: Oh, they've arrived!
You've arrived!
- Yeah, yeah.
- And you brought
the challah, too.
Couldn't forget that.
David:
Yeah, we got the fruit, too.
Oh, you got fruit, too?
They got fruit, too.
Can you believe it?
- Oh, that's so thoughtful.
Is it cut?
- No, but I can cut it.
Woman: Oh, no, that's OK.
You enjoy yourself.
Meg: It's really, it's fine.
It's like the one thing I know
how to do.
Oh, that's a...
milchig knife.
- Oh!
- David, forks!
- Yeah, OK.
- Right here.
David: Oh, sorry.
There you go.
- Thank you. Super.
David: And it's called
the Alexander Technique?
Yeah, you know,
I feel a straight spine
gives you a sense of calm,
you know, a sense of
authority. I like that.
Uh-huh.
Hey, what did you think of
the book, by the way?
About Alexander Technique?
No, no.
Non-Violent Communication,
N.V.C.
- Oh, yeah, N.V.C.
Um, you know... I bought it.
Oh, hey, David,
it's a game changer.
I think it's gonna help you
at the office, too.
Yeah, you know, I just,
I don't know how much
it's gonna help with
negotiations, Dad.
David, it is about everything,
every facet of life.
OK.
You look insane.
But I feel good.
All right.
Should I cut the other half?
Oh!
Is that OK?
- I'll take over.
- No, no, I can do it.
- No, no, no, it's fine.
- No, Ellen, please,
I enjoy it, it's fine.
- Could you just--
- What?
I...I like to serve it
in cubes.
Yeah. No, I--totally.
I get it.
It's a quick fix.
It's easy.
- OK.
- Yeah.
I'll be sure to bring my
melon baller next time.
So, um, the Rabbi was saying
something really--really funny
yesterday after class.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
He was saying how um, well,
the good thing about converts
is that we bring new genes to
the pool so that can help
with diseases like colitis
and, um--
- I don't have colitis.
No, I know. No, sorry.
I think that he meant
in general that it's--
Ellen: But no one in our
family has that problem.
No, right.
So, I think he just--
I think he meant as like a,
like a joke.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Oh, my baby! There's
my little zeeskeit!
Aw, look at the face.
Look at the face,
look at the face!
David: Hey, Mom,
we need some glasses.
Ellen: OK,
check the dishwasher.
David: Hi, Larry. Oh, you're
making little cubes.
Ellen: Did you say hello
to your brother?
David: Uh, no, I was helping
Dad with the--
Ellen: Well, go say hi.
He probably heard you
come in. I bet he's
already offended.
I'll be right back.
You don't have to be
right back.
David: Uh-huh.
Richard, I was talking to
Jordan downstairs.
He loves you.
Ha! Jordan's the shit.
- Ha ha.

Hey, come on, you can do
that on the balcony.
Man: Uh, no, thank you.
I've heard enough from your
dad about oral fixations.
- Who are you texting?
- You want to check it?
We're 20 minutes late.
Can you please just--
Tell them I'm parking the car.
What?
What!
No car. No car on Shabbos.
We don't drive on Shabbos!
And yet...
OK, this is--
this is what we'll say.
We forgot the wine.
Here, take this.
So, you went to pick it up
on 74th Street.
Great.
So can you say it?
We forgot the wine,
and I got it--
On 74th Street!
On 74th.
This is mine.
I'm taking this. OK?

Ellen: Richard, there won't be
anything left for dinner.
Woman: Hello!
[Sighs]
Finally she's here.
[Both chuckle]
Ellen: Abella!
What happened?
What do you mean?
The Uber just was late.
Ellen: Well, you should have
checked Lyft.
The fastest option
would be driving.
- What?
- Hey Abb.
- Hey!
- Hi! Ah...
Where's Benjamin?
Is he coming?
Yeah, he's coming.
He's just grabbing wine.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Ellen: And things are good?
Abby: Yeah! Very good.
Good.
Abby: With your face,
why are you doing that?
What? No, nothing.
- You did mention that--
- Mom!
No, nothing, good.
I'm glad everything's good.
- Great.
- OK, good, good.
- I'm glad it's great.
- It's very good.
[Loud techno music playing
indistinctly]

Man: Yeah.
Uh, it's David.
Man: Alexa pause.
[Music continues]
Pause, bitch!
[Music stops]
Hey, bud!
[Man sighs]
Hey, I'd hug you,
but I'm really sweaty.
That's OK.
Are those my boxers?
No.
Why don't you get
in the shower, man?
No, I'm way too stressed
right now.
That's nice. I thought
Abby was the only one
who cared about making
a good impression.
Man: What you talking about?
Abby only gives a shit
about herself.
The way she lets her
boyfriend speak to me?
It's disgusting.
Let's just maybe, like,
cool it on Benjamin.
- Benjamin?
That slimy cocksuck?
- OK.
Imagine if I had a girlfriend
who was rude to Abby.
Do you think I'd try
to be fair?
Do you think I would
giggle and say, "Be nice?" No.
- No. No, no.
- I'd get mad at my
girlfriend,
and I probably already would
have dumped her by this point
if she's the type of person
to denigrate my siblings.
So this has nothing to do
with Meg's parents?
- I don't know Meg's parents.
- Well, you know, they're--
Man: I'm sure they're
fine. Meg's really nice.
Adam, they're coming
for dinner tonight.
Oh, cool. I'm excited
to meet them.
David: Yeah, so maybe don't
start any shit with Abby or--
Benjamin that philandering
cocksuck?
Sure, yeah, the cocksuck. Just
be quiet or be nice. Please?
- He starts shit with me, man.
- I know.
- You know that.
- I know!
But these people,
they're like...not used to
families arguing.
What are they, Mormon?
No, they're polite. OK?
So, please, I am beg--
- OK, OK.
Don't worry.
I won't strike first.
- Thank you.
- But...
If he provokes me,
I will respond
with full force.
OK.
Oh. Right back to it.
[Sighs]
[Music resumes]

[Music fades out]
- David!
- Hey, Ben!
What's crappening?
Any secret tips for me?
- Tips?
- Mergees, acquisishees?
No, only uh, well,
Meg's parents are coming
tonight. So...
so the merging of-of
fam-families.
I'm sorry, man.
That is rough.
Well, listen,
don't worry about it,
just keep playing the role
of nice boyfriend and look to
the bachelor party.
Bachelor party?
You know, where it's gonna be,
what we're gonna do.
I haven't really thought
about it that much.
Oh, you know what, Meg and her
friends are doing a spa day,
Maybe we can hop
on that train.
That's good.
You're in character.
All right. Yo?
- Ben, just a small favor.
Could you just maybe
take it easy on Adam tonight,
you know, try to avoid
any open conflict?
- What, did he say something?
- No, nothing.
It's just, you know, last week
and the week before that...
- I never start it.
- I know.
- You know that.
- I know.
Why would I pick a fight
with a toddler?
That's exactly the type
of thing you shouldn't say.
David, David, you'll be great.
Thank you.
Not worried...
about me.
Everyone, phones off and away.
It's time to light.
Abby, come.
Richard.
- Sorry.
- Did you light yet?
Oh, no, no, I haven't
practiced the blessing
enough yet.
- It's fine.
- OK, well, now's your chance.
- Let's go.
- OK.
[Match strikes]

[Singing Hebrew prayer]
[Praying continues]
- You crushed that.
- Thank you.
- Good Shabbos.
- Good Shabbos.
- Good Shabbos.
- Good Shabbos.
[Toilet flushes]
[Sighs]
Oh, God.
- Oh, hey, Benj!
- Richie.
- Hey.
- How you doing?
- Good, yeah.
- You good?
What do you--
what do you got there?
A little Galina Bordeaux.
- Galina?
- Grapes from Israel,
but the varietal's
from France.
- Varietal?
- Varietal.
It's got the wax seal.
That's how you know
it's fancy.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Thank you.
- Happy to.
- Thank you for that.
But you know what?
I go for the...
reserva tequila.
God, I hate it here.
Meg: I don't think we're
gonna do it in New York.
It's too--
Meg, I tell you,
tonight is gonna be terrific.
I promise you, I have
a million questions
for your parents.
Here you go, Ben.
Meg: I'm so happy to
hear that, Richard.
Abby: I do love that we
pregame family dinner.
Yeah.
- Me too.
Richard: Well, you know,
Wisconsin is the number-one
exporter of cheese,
so one state is making
all this delightful cheese
for everybody to enjoy.
- Cheese, yeah.
- Uh-huh.
You know her parents
aren't farmers, right?
Meg: Yeah, but my Grandpa was
a cheese fanatic, so my Dad
loves talking cheese.
God, I miss dairy. I would
murder for a slice of pizza.
Abby: Yeah, not as long as
we share about bathroom.
Cheers.
Richie, what do we got?
Oh, that's a tequila cosmo.
How long has it been?
Oh, since I've had pizza
or dairy in general?
Ellen, it's such
a good question.
I want to say, God,
I want to say college?
Maybe even earlier.
Been a while.
- Mmm, that would kill me.
Abby: Where is Adam?
- Probably taking a nap.
- No, he's changing, Ben.
Richard: You know, Adam's
been working out a lot.
You know, he's really
dedicated.
He's very buff.
He's become very buff.
Yeah, I mean, not mass,
but dense--denser.
Richard: Yeah, he works out
in his room. You know, just
simple calisthenics.
He should try going to a gym.
- Well--
- Adam's a homebody.
- Right.
- But he doesn't, like, work,
doesn't...explore.
Richard: Well, he worked for
Benjamin this summer.
For two weeks.
It was a memorable two weeks.
Ellen: He knows what
he wants, and he knows
what he doesn't want.
He refused to learn
PowerPoint.
Abby!
Hey, Adam!
[All greeting Adam]
- Adam!
- Hey, the Golden Intern.
Good thing you don't need
to use PowerPoint in
the Navy SEALs.
There he is.
Meg: Does the Israeli army
have a Navy SEALs, Adam?
It's called Shayetet, IDF's
most elite combat unit.
Ellen: IDF?
You can't go to the IDF.
What do they need you for?
I'm sure any military would
welcome young men
in peak physical condition.
Physical and mental
condition. Don't forget your
sharp mind, Adam.
David: Um, Mom,
the food smells delicious--
Ellen: How can you go to
the IDF? You don't even
speak the language.
I know the aleph bet,
the building blocks
of the language.
Wow. That's impressive.
I really don't think you need
to comment.
Alef Bet Gimmel...
- What's with the comments?
- It's fine.
- Sing it, Adam.
- I am singing it.
- And then it's Vav, right?
- Yeah, Vav.
Whoa, very good Meg!
Thank you.
Yud, Chaf
Lamen, Mem, Nun--
I think he's ready to deploy.
What is with you?
David: You have this weird
obsession. It's strange--
I'm saying nice things. You're
all acting like he's an idiot.
Abby: We're not saying
that he's an idiot.
David: No one's
saying he's an idiot.
I need a Klonopin.
Ellen: Aw, Adam!
It's not Aw.
There's no Aw!
- Yeah, but Klonopin
gets you all constipated.
- Mom!
David: Great, now he's gonna
be pissed all of dinner.
No, he's about to get
zonked out.
This'll be better.
[Loud music playing]
[Man singing
in native language]

[Pills crush]

[Loud music ends]
Hey, David,
got an idea for you.
Maybe you should
chill a little.
David: All the nights to
do this stupid bullshit
and pick a fight.
- Oh, my God.
- OK, so it's not about Adam.
[Cell phone dings]
It's just about you
and your perfect night.
You're so self-obsessed.
- What's wrong with that?
- Oh, they're running late.
- Thank God.
Adam!
Meg: Adam. Hey!
Big A!
- How you feeling, sweetie?
Thank you all for the concern,
but I'm always one Klonopin
away from total serenity.
That's good, Adam.
It is good, Abby.
It's very good.
Some Klonopin
and a little mindfulness.
That's the key.
Probably pretty
important for the army.
It's definitely key, Meg.
Based on my research,
a good soldier has to ignore
every distraction,
no matter how
morally debased his enemy is.
Dad, can I refill your glass?
Oh, sure!
Ellen: I think the Klonopin's
helping.
Richard: Who knows?
Hey, who wants to play
Bananagrams while
we're waiting?
- Oh, my God.
- No one wants to play, but--
- I do!
- You wanna play?
- Well, I would--
- Maybe after dinner.
Richard: No, I'll set it up.
Just a round.
- No, she said after dinner.
- We'll do a warm-up.
Ellen: We said no.
Richard: Look, you know,
we always start playing
and you love it.
- I'm gonna go to
the bathroom.
- Nobody wants to play!
- OK.
- Dad!
Ellen: Agreed.
Nobody wants to play.
Richard: OK.
Just an idea.
- We'll play after dinner.
- OK.
It's never as good after
dinner because people
are drunk and tired.
[Water running]
[Exhales]
Beth, John,
all the way from Milwaukee.
Beth,
John, Big John, thanks for
coming all the way from--
from Milwaukee. I love you.
Hey, Papa John!
Don't...say that.
You got this.
Hey, Ben, I'm really--
[Stomach growling]
[Unzips zipper]
[Stomach growling]
[Grunting and groaning]
Wonderful.
[Farting]
Ohh!
[Crack!]
Abby: I'm not saying
he was being nice.
Ellen: You're saying he was
trying to make conversation,
and I'm saying I don't think
it was a good conversation.
I agree.
OK, well maybe if somebody
asked him a question,
he wouldn't feel the need
to discuss Adam.
So, you're saying that Mom is
not warm enough to Benjamin,
and you're saying that
Benjamin focuses on topics
that are not really
helpful in terms of
the family dynamic.
Why is he doing that?
Why is he saying everything
we're saying?
It's that book. It tells him
to narrate conversations.
Well, we wouldn't need
a narrator if everybody
would read the book.
N.V.C. Non-Violent
Communication.
- You should put Adam first.
Adam is family. He's gonna
be around forever.
- Benjamin, we're not so sure.
- What does that mean?
David: Well, I mean, you're
the one who said that,
you know--
Abby: Ah! Not now.
A couple of weeks ago,
you said you were gonna
break up with him.
But I haven't found
the right moment.
It's tough to find the right
moment when you're
so far apart.
He lives in Williamsburg.
If you have to go over
a bridge, it might as well
be Jersey.
Hey, where is Benjamin?
I need to apologize to him.
- For what?
- Dad, please don't.
Richard: He needs
to know that I have things
to say to him.
He doesn't, and he's
probably gonna be a while.
Well, that's because
he's hurting.
- I think it's because
he has an issue.
- Mmm.
What issue?
It's like a medical thing.
What do you care?
I don't care. I just didn't
know he had an issue.
It's just colitis.
He's not dying.
Yeah, what is that exactly?
It's the reason
he can't have dairy.
Ellen: Colitis makes
the linings of your intestines
all puffy.
Richard: Doesn't the
Meshbesher kid have that?
What was his name?
Ellen: Going to the bathroom
becomes a very
dangerous thing.
Richard: Ron! Ron Meshbesher.
Ron. That's his name.
Wait, you said that the Rabbi
said something funny
about colitis, right?
Oh, um, no, no, no. It was--
It was offensive, actually.
- Oh. OK.
- Yeah.

[Whispering]
Benj...
Buddy?
How you doing in there?
[Knocking harder]
[In normal voice]
Hello?
Benj! Ha ha!
Yeah. Yeah, that's great.
That's--yeah.
No, that's very funny.
Say nothing if you're OK?

OK.
Abby: I feel like Mom knows
I drove on Shabbos.
David:
If she knew, you'd know.
Abby: Yeah.
Meg: Can't you just
tell her that
Benjamin drives and you're
just, like, in the car and...
Abby and David: Umm...
[Laughter]
David: You know, you could
try, be like,
"Hey, Mom, sometimes I
get in the car on Shabbos."
Abby: "Officer, sometimes
I travel with a kilo
in my carry-on."
Meg: Well, whatever.
I don't think it could
be worse
than her reaction to when
David told her about our
engagement.
Abby: Oh, no. What'd she say?
I told you what she said.
Abby: No, you just told me
that she disapproved.
Oh! No, you can tell her.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- You can say.
- Do it!
- Fine.
- Tell her.
David: All right.
It was after Grandpa died
and she was sitting
Shiva and--
- Ho ho! Perfect timing.
I don't know. I thought now's
as good a time as any.
She'll never be more upset
than she is right now.
So I sat down next to her
and I said, "Mom,
I proposed to Meg
and she said yes."
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
And she turned to me
and did that blank stare
that she does.
Perfect.
And just goes, "I just started
mourning my father.
Now I have to mourn my son."
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Yeah, it's been a while,
though.
I'm pretty sure
she loves me now.
David: I mean, she has
gotten better.
She has, you know, I mean,
ever since you started
taking the classes.
- Yeah, um...
- You know I'm on your side,
right?
No, I know. I'd just like
my parents there, too.
Abby: What do you mean?
Well, they're just
firmly Catholic,
and I kind of want them to be
on board with the whole
conversion thing.
And they're just a little--
- Hey, yeah, that's sweet.
That's really sweet.
[Voice cracking]
David, can I talk to you
for a minute?
Sure, bud.
Is he OK?
Well, no, he's on pills
and they're not working.
Nice.
He won't come out.
OK.
He's been in there
for many minutes.
OK.
Benjamin, everything OK
in there?
Benj!
You sure he's in there?
Mm-hmm.
[Rattles door knob]
Where's the key?
I don't know.
[Rattles door knob]
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
There's something
I need to say.
OK.
Benjamin took my laxatives.
What do you mean?
He asked me for a laxative,
so I gave him one.
Benjamin asked you
for a laxative?
- Did you slip him a laxative?
- Shit!
Did you actually do that?
You know he has colitis!
- Well, now I do!
- Oh, God!
OK. OK.
So you gave him a laxative.
- 3.
- 3?
- I gave him 3.
- That's so many.
I crushed it into a powder
because, you know,
you don't know how much
he's gonna drink.
Right, of course.
Basic science!
This was just supposed to
make him shit.
Why are you like this?
Of course you pull this shit
on the one night that Meg's
parents are coming to town.
You know what?
He is such a prick to me!
This was just a goof.
I was just razzing him.
Shush!
Let's just find the key.
[Ding]
Adam.
[Key turns in lock]
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Adam: What?
Oh, I smell it!
All right, Benj,
I'm coming in!
Oh, God!
No, no, no, no, no.
- Does he have a pulse?
- No.
- Adam, does he have a pulse!
- No!
Initiating compressions.
Should I--should I do the
mouth part, or--
- No, that's obsolete!
- Yeah.
Don't worry.
I never lose a man.
[Bone snaps]
He's a goner.
OK.
OK.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What?
We have to...discuss.
There's nothing to discuss.
Wait! Wait!
I just want to make sure
you don't do anything stupid.
Me?
OK, OK, he's toast, OK?
There's absolutely no
chance of him surviving.
Look, I understand,
and I'm here for you.
And I love you.
You're my brother.
But right now we got to
call an ambulance.
[Whispering]
No, no, no, no. David, David,
David, David, David...
Look...he's been in there for
well over 8 minutes.
He's toast.
Stop saying that.
Nobody says that.
But he is!
We're not just gonna leave
a dead body in there.
Use your head! As soon
as they do the bloodwork,
it's gonna be obvious
what happened to him.
Why?
Because he has a prescription
laxative in his system
and there's only one person
in this house who can't
take a shit!
Well, hopefully they don't
check for that.
Hopefully?!
Get out of my way.
Adam, stop!
Stop it!
This is nice.
Yes.
- No, no!
- That's great,
I'm gonna go to Rikers.
- Rikers is closing.
- A different jail then!
- Yeah.
- Look, this was an accident,
OK?
I can handle warfare.
We both know that,
but not jail.
I can't do jail.
I won't get a gun.
[Benjamin passes gas]
Look...
make any call you want to,
but he is dead.
So, if you make this decision,
you are just rolling the dice
with my life.
Meg, your parents know
it's for 7:00?
Yeah, yeah, they're
on their way.
Ellen: OK. It's--OK.
[Loud crunching]
Abby, can you wait for dinner?
Oh, no, it's seaweed.
It's not real food.
How come you let her eat
something, but not me?
Ellen:
She's not eating the dinner.
- It's for the guests.
- It's a technical difference.
- Abby?
- Yeah?
Can we have a quick
sibling conference?
For what?
[Whispering]
It's a surprise.
Abby: OK.
[Whispering]
They're very close.
- I know.
- So nice.
They really love each other.
- Uh, uh, um...
- What are you doing?
What's a sibling conference?
What's wrong with him?
Hello.
Before we continue,
I think it's important for you
to remember
you've been trying to find the
right way to break up
with Benjamin--
Shhh! Shush it!
Adam: Don't worry.
He can't hear us.
How do you know?
Uh...
Abby, whispering:
Is it a turd?
God, it does stink.
Is he dead?
No. No, he's not dead.
Hey.
Hey, Beej?
OK, so he is dead, but I just
really don't want you to
scream.
[Abby screams]
- Shush!
Ellen: Uh, hey,
is everything OK?
Everything's good,
everything's great.
- Hey!
- Hi!
Dad, could I bother you
for a quick chat?
Well, yeah, sure.
David, whispering:
Great. Be right back.
I love you.
OK.
So, David tells me you're
going to share a d'var Torah.
- Uh-huh. Yep,
it's from class.
- Oh good. Good.
Yeah, it's good.
You know, I actually,
I mostly learned about the
New Testament growing up,
so it has been really cool
reading up on the Torah.
It's like the prequel.
Well, I don't know
if it's the prequel.
- It's the main one.
- Right, no yeah, I--
That's, that's what I meant,
um...you know,
Judaism is, um...
well, it's something that
I have always wanted
to find out more about.
You know, like the culture
and the TV shows
of people just living
in New York...City.
Yeah.
Look, Meg, we appreciate you
taking the classes
and clearly you're very bright
and kind.
I feel like there's a "but"
coming.
"And" it's...it's like I have
this houseplant
that was given to me
by my mother
that she got from her mother
in Germany, who
received it from her mother,
who was given it by her
mother, and so on
for a hundred generations.
That's a long time.
And now it feels like...
like I'm handing this
houseplant over
to someone who took
an online course in gardening.
The classes are in person.
[Running footsteps]
[Praying in Hebrew]
- Dad, Dad, Dad!
[Praying continues]
- Dad, please stop mumbling.
David: He's not mumbling,
he's praying.
- I don't care! Stop it!
- Well you stop yelling!
Oh, great.
Let's do your thing then.
I'm gonna stop yelling
if you do something
about your son
murdering my boyfriend!
Can we please just,
please be quiet!
Richard: You know, in Korea,
they respect their elders.
Then move to Korea!
Adam: Look, Abby, I told you
this was a harmless accident.
- Dad?
- Harmless? Harmless?!
We need to do something
before Meg's parents get here.
Oh, because what could be more
important than Meg's parents?
- Abby wants to betray us.
- Me?!
You didn't mean to do it,
right?
- No, of course not.
- Stop doing that!
- What?
- Protecting him!
I did everything I could
to get you that job!
- It was an unpaid internship!
- I don't care what it was!
He was my boyfriend
and now he's dead!
Weren't you gonna break up
with him?
Maybe!
I'm definitely not gonna
pretend like it didn't happen!
Like, just some spoiled,
manipulative--
Benjamin cheated on you!
You think I quit because of
PowerPoint?
I quit because he was
gallivanting around
making a cuck out of my sister
with some blonde at the--
OK, that's enough!
Oh, my God, you knew.
And you stayed with him.
I RSVP'd to a wedding.
Abby...please.
What's Mom gonna say?
She won't mind.
- How's that?
- We won't tell her.
What the hell is going on?
[Prayer resumes]
[Running footsteps]
[Murmured shouting]
There's nothing really to see.
Aaah!
OK, Mom...
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Mom! It's OK!
Shh! Shh!
Oh, that poor boy!
Mom, we need to talk
about this.
Oh, my God, that poor boy.
- Let's just talk about it.
What did you do?
Do you want a Klonopin?
[Distant frantic voices]
[Texting]
[Message sent notification]
[Frantic voices continue]
Ellen: What happened exactly?
You did what?
Adam: No, exactly.
Now I do one prank
and I'm the bad guy.
Yes! You literally just
murdered someone.
I wasn't trying to murder him.
There are more efficient
ways of doing that.
- Get out of my face.
- OK, I think we just
all agree
that what Adam did
was a freak accident.
And now we are all covering up
a murder,
which is against the law!
Adam: Not if you do it well.
Abby: Oh, my God,
you are so creepy.
Truly, I think he has to
face the consequences
of his actions.
So, what, we just accept
that Adam goes to jail?
Abby wants me to
get rammed in the ass!
Stop saying that.
It's homophobic!
- No, it's not!
- It kinda is.
Ellen: You should care for
your brothers half as much
as you care
about policing our speech.
Oh, are you serious right now?
[Crying]
I don't know what I am.
Abby, I just want to say
I don't blame you at all
for being upset.
I mean this is horrific.
- Aw, thank you so much
for understanding.
Adam: I'm really very sorry.
Ellen: OK, What he did
was stupid, but it was
an accident.
His life should be ruined
because of an accident?
Mom, I could give a shit!
Now it's about being
practical, OK?
We got to either come up with
a plan, or call this in
because then we're
all screwed.
OK, then let's come
with a plan.
- Fine!
- OK, the plan...
I don't have a plan,
but I do know
that we're all gonna figure
this out because everyone
here is family.
[Gasp]
Is he dead?
My daughter!
[Glasses clink]
Uh...
- Meg!
- Hey, hey!
- Meg!
Abby: Meg, I just,
I need you to trust us!
Ellen: Just give us two
minutes to explain. Please.
Abby: He's my boyfriend,
and if there's any chance
he'd be OK,
I promise you, we would
have already called an
ambulance by now.
Ellen:
Just don't do anything sudden.
David: It was a freak accident
and now Adam is implicated.
- Don't tell her that!
- Well, it's true.
Don't do anything sudden,
please.
Abby: We just need
one minute to explain.
Adam: Aw, shit!
Aw, shit, shit, shit!
- Say something!
David: Meg!
I love you,
and this is your choice.
- How could you!?
- What!?
Meg, please don't call
the police.
I'm calling my parents...
[Ringing]
to cancel.
Ellen:
Oh, thank God.
[Ringing continues]
[Recording]
Hello, this is John.
Shit.
He's not answering,
but we texted earlier
and they said that they
were running late.
David: Right. So we should
just assume that they're
coming any minute now.
- Oh, yeah.
- Can we think of an idea,
just anything,
anything that could
possibly save Adam?
- Thanks, Mom.
- OK, so,
if they find
Benjamin's body here,
that's an obvious connection
to Adam.
You need to move
Benjamin to his apartment,
right?
You know, give him one of
those New York deaths.
OK.
What is that?
You know, somebody dies
in their apartment,
and then they just lay there
for a couple of days until
somebody else smells the body,
and then they call the
landlord and they find him.
Ellen: Uhh!
So, we just drive Benjamin
to his apartment and
leave him there?
Yeah! That's the plan.
Can you go downstairs
and change out of your
murder pants?
- Well, what car do you
plan on using?
- Benjamin's.
It's all the way in Brooklyn!
[Ellen gasps]
You drove here?
How is this worse than murder?
Oh...
David: Mom, lock it up.
If we're gonna do something,
we need to do it immediately.
- Where are his keys?
- I'll get them.
- Thank you. OK. OK.
- OK. OK.
[Meg gasps]
No, not OK.
We cannot move Benjamin
to his car.
What? Why not?
Curry.
Hey Jordan!
- Oh, shi--bruh!
- Sorry.
- Yo, are you good?
You're looking kind of bad
right now.
No, I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Could you maybe um,
do me a fav--a little--
it's just a little favor?
- Yeah?
- It's kind of a huge one.
OK...
Could you maybe just delete
all the lobby footage for the
rest of the night?
- Delete the footage?
- Uh-huh.
Aw shit, what's going on?
What's going...
Nothing.
Obviously it's not nothing,
you're asking me to
delete the foot--
It's just something that
I really can't get into
right now,
so it's really hard
to explain.
- Come on, you could tell me.
- I really can't.
Yes, you can.
Look at you, man.
- Obviously, you need my help.
- No, believe me...
please.
This is something that you
can't help with.
OK, Jordan, this is um...
[Whispering]
This is as bad as it gets.
- Is Richie OK?
- Oh, yeah, he's fine.
Oh, my God. Look, bro, I don't
know what this is,
but I know you need my help.
I mean, you're basically
asking me to...
Don't you think it's
suspicious if Friday's footage
just disappeared?
You should ask me to
delete the whole drive.
- Is that possible?
- Yes.
David, you guys, the Gelfands,
you're family, bro.
Richie talks to me
about real shit.
Richie talks to me about
Jewish shit, bro.
You know I been
here 15 years.
- Mm-hmm.
And there's only one apartment
I rock with...
10B.
You'll do it?
You'll delete the footage?
Absolutely.
- Jordan, thank you so much.
- No, no problem, bruh.
Thank you.
Jordan: All right, now,
let me upstairs to help you
fix this.
Don't look at me like that,
brother. We're family, right?
Can't be nothing
I haven't seen before.
Jordan--
And now that I'm involved
in whatever this is,
I got to make sure you don't
mess it up.
[Cell phone ringing]
Meg: They're not picking up.
Recording:
Hello, this is John.
I should go down and
wait for them, right?
[Door opens]
What's popping, 10B?
Ellen: Jordan, you're here.
Why are you here?
David: He's gonna help us.
That's right.
I'm gonna help you guys.
- David?
- Jordan, I think
we should go.
Jordan: Uh, no, we're not
going anywhere.
We're not going anywhere.
Adam: What are you doing here?
Jordan: Adam, hi.
Skipping leg day, I see.
Meg...how's it going so far?
- Could be better.
- All right.
- I'm gonna get you
out of this.
- He's gonna get us out.
You know "Pulp Fiction,"
the guy with the suit?
David: The guy with the suit--
Sam Jackson.
- The white one.
- John Travolta?
Nope, the one with
the mustache.
- Mario.
The wolf.
Bingo. The wolf.
I'm your wolf, baby.
We are so fucked.
Now...
show me what's up.
What could be the big deal?
All right.
Why is he on his back?
You gotta roll him
on his side, bruh.
You gotta roll him
on his side.
He's toast.
Uh-huh. Big time.
Why didn't anyone say
he's dead?
Well, Jordan...
I implied.
How, David?
Hmm? How?
When you said
you needed help--
I was very stern with how I
said that we needed help.
I'm a freaking doorman.
Help to me?
Changing a light bulb.
Finding Richard's Orthotics
upstairs.
I don't do dead body, David.
Oh, God, I just, I--
I thought, you know,
you were so insistent--
Nuuhhh.
- You just--
Never imply dead.
Never imply dead.
You say dead. You don't
imply it. OK?
Yeah.
- Now I'm dead.
Dead to rights.
Fingerprints everywhere,
David.
I, uh...
I touched his neck, didn't I?
You touched him all over.
- Shit!
Ellen: Jordan, I'm so sorry.
You should go back downstairs.
We won't involve you.
You better believe
I'm involved.
We're across the Red Sea,
and there's no turning back
now, Ellen.
I have a soluti--oh, Jordan!
Ha ha! Richard,
what's happening?
What it do?
Oh, you know, I'm trying to be
like you, pimp.
Richard: Oh, say less!
Salute!
Yeah, but things are bad.
Hey, don't worry about it,
my guy.
I'm gonna take care of this.
- No, no, that's not
necessary.
I know exactly what to do.
O.F.N.R.
Meg: Is that like
a medical term?
- No.
- It's his stupid book.
Richard: O--we observe that
there is a body.
F--we feel panic and tension.
Richard! Enough!
Jordan: OK, hold on now.
Let him finish.
Richie, go ahead.
Thank you, Jordan.
R--I request...
Look, the Talmud
has these laws.
Talmud's always got
something to say.
So, it's forbidden to carry
a dead body on Shabbos.
But the Talmud also says that
it's OK to carry an infant or
a loaf of bread.
So, if we put a loaf of bread
on the body, then it's OK,
because the body
works like a platter.
- Platter?
- Doesn't that make sense?
- Thank you, Richard.
- You're welcome.
At this point,
911 isn't an option.
Certainly not. We've
already crossed the sea.
Exactly.
- So does anyone
have any bread?
No one's getting
any bread, Dad!
What, you got an infant?
OK, hold on. No one's
getting bread or an infant.
People, can we...
- Shit.
Someone needs to go downstairs
before my parents get here.
Hold on one minute,
can we make a plan?
Oh, we already
have one of those. Yeah.
We're gonna take his body,
we're gonna put it in his car.
We're gonna take him back to
his apartment and we're just
going to leave it--
we're gonna leave him there.
- A New York death.
Yeah, that's plan "A,"
but we need to get "B" and "C"
working.
I think we should
focus on "A."
No, no, no, no. We only have
time for one plan.
Jordan: OK, I'll think as we
go, all right?
But I need you all to follow
my lead, no hesitation.
Are we on the same page?
1, 2, 3, all eyes on me.
- Uh-huh.
- Ellen, do you have any rugs?
Uh...Abby's getting
the comforter.
Comforter's great!
- I'll go get it.
Thanks, Mom.
Jordan: Guys huddle up,
let me quarterback this.
Richard, you are entirely
too close.
No I'm fucking.
You know I love my guy.
Anyway, watch this. All right,
when they come back,
we're gonna wrap the body
in the comforter. Then...
the luggage cart won't work,
obviously, because you can see
right through it.
So, I'll have to go next door
and get the garbage cart.
- Then, David--
- Yeah?
you and me are gonna
put the body in and bring it
to his car,
[Car alarm beeps]
After that,
I can't leave the building, so
it's gonna have to be Meg--
- Me.
- and David who drive him back
and carry him
into his apartment.
Touchdown.
- OK.
- Yeah?
What am I supposed to do?
Close the curtains and
scrub the bathroom with Lysol.
- Why the curtains?
- Richard, explain, please.
[Whispering]
I'm not sure.
Meg: So people can't see
in the windows.
Exactly.
And we got to hurry,
my shift's up at 8:00.
After that, we got to deal
with Cano, and we don't want
to deal with Cano.

Jordan: You're pretty good
at this.
Ellen: Just wrap it,
like an egg roll.
Jordan:
An egg roll? I hate egg rolls.
Jordan, I really think that
someone needs to
go downstairs and look
for my parents.
That's a good call.
Meg, that's on you.
When you smoke blunts
you gotta roll 'em tight.
- I'm gonna get his legs.
- OK.
Don't ask.
[Gasps] Hi!
Mom! Dad!
- Hi, sweetie!
- Hey, guys!
Oh, my God!
Richard!
- Dad! Dad!
- Richard, don't you dare!
- Dad!
Yeah, he's not coming back.
Meg: Dad!
John: Hi, how are you?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, whoa!
[Laughter]
John: Now, that's crazy, huh?
They're here, right?
I mean, this is happening.
This is definitely happening.
Yep.
OK, OK! So we're
gonna go out there,
We're gonna be nice
and we're gonna be cordial,
and then we're gonna have
a nice pleasant dinner,
and then we'll send them
on their way!
OK?
- OK.
Where is everyone?
Hello!
[Laughter]
They'll be here in--
in a second.
- Are they not home?
- Yes, they're in the kitchen.
How did you guys get up here?
Well, there was no doorman,
so we just headed on up.
- Great.
- Who do I give the wine to?
- Um...
- I'll take that.
Hi! I'm Beth!
I don't know who I am anymore.
Mom, eyes!
We got this!
Yeah.
Now go out there and say hi.
You go. They're your in-laws!
Abby: This is a great start.
OK.
David: Hi!
All the way from Milwaukee!
- Hey!
[Laughter]
Hiya!
- Hey.
Good to see ya.
Actually, we drove in
from Connecticut.
Oh!
Yeah, we were visiting
friends in Connecticut.
Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How are the Packers?
Don't remind him. He's missing
the game on Sunday.
- The things we do for family.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Abby: Welcome!
- Abby?
- Yes!
- John.
- Hi.
He likes to learn everyone's
name in advance, Abby.
Well, I don't memorize
them, but I like to
remember what I'm told.
Wow. That's right.
Oh, I'm David's sister and
soon to be Meg's sister.
Aww...
[Laughter]
[Thud in bathroom]
Cantaloupe.
Family loves cantaloupe.
Let's go this way.
- Can I help?
No, no, no, no.
We should go this way.
Can you help me in the--
We're gonna show you--
- Mom, let's go.
- house stuff.

[Horn honking]

[Muttering]
[Door opens]
Ellen: Richard. Get. Up!
No.
- Up!
No, I can't, and I won't!
I swear to God,
I'll drop this.
No, you wouldn't!
Richard.
Your children need you.
David needs you to make a good
impression and then kick them
out in 18 minutes.
Look, I'm still trying
to figure things out here.
Use your breathing technique.
Which one?
The Alexander Technique.
That's for posture.
You'll breathe on the way up.
In... Out... In...
John: Oh! We were caught in
traffic for like--
Ellen: Hello, hello!
You must be John and Beth.
Now, which one is which?
[Laughter]
Richard.
No, you must be Beth.
Hi. I'm Richard.
And I guess that means
you're John?
- That's right.
- Nice to meet you.
We apologize for being
so late. I couldn't believe
the traffic.
You're not late.
You're our guests of honor.
Dinner starts when you arrive.
- Mmm...
- Mm-hmm.
David was telling us that
you've been married
for 37 years.
On our way to 40.
Yeah, but it feels like
4 minutes...underwater.
Oh...
Ellen, softly: Richard.
Oh, John, would you like a
yarmulke to wear for dinner?
Is it, uh, mandatory?
- No, no, of course not.
I mean, some men like
the tradition, but it's--
Oh, that's all right,
thank you.
Oh, sure, no problem.
I'm just not much of
a hat guy.
Yeah, me neither.
Mine's always like, sliding
off my head, you know?
Kind of strange...
Ellen: So...
who wants to eat?
[Chairs scraping on floor]
[Clearing throat]
Ellen: Now we begin by singing
a Hebrew song to welcome
Shabbat,
and then say a blessing
before the meal.
Well, thank you.
We're very curious.
Beth: Oh, OK, you had some.
Did you like it?
It has an "OU" on it
so, you know, it's Kosher.
Ellen: Fantastic. Thank you.
[David sings a Hebrew hymn]
[All sing Hebrew hymn]

[Singing faster]
OK, that's the end
of the song.
- Yes, that is it.
- Good song, huh?
So, now it's customary
that we all stand
before we start the meal.
It's called Kiddush.
Oh, the Kiddush.
Oh, that's
an interesting word.
Richard: The wine--oh.
[Dripping]
Meg: It's traditional to make
the wine overflow
to symbolize a good week
overflowing with happiness.
- Yeah.
- Isn't that right?
Right, yes, beautiful.
[Anxious laughter]
[Richard chants]
[Richard continues to
chant in the dining room]
Amen.
- Amen.
John: Amen.
I know that one.

[Richard chants]
[Richard chants]
[All]
Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
OK, there you go.
- Thanks, Dad.
Ooh, there you go!
Mom?
Oh.
- Sorry.
Adam!
This is how we do it here.
And you?
And here you go, John.
I'll just hand it to you.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Time for soup.
Oh!
- No, please.
- I insist.
No, no, it's fine.
Mom it's fine. It's fine.
I don't allow guests to help.
It's a tradition.
- Oh.
- Abby?
Beth: Oh, OK, please, I--
- No.
- It's tradition. Just...
OK.
John: You know, I have
a special history
with this city.
When I was 8 years old,
my uncle brought me here
for Christmas.
That's such a beautiful time
of the year.
It was quite magical. Just
walking down Fifth Avenue,
seeing all the Christmas
lights and the Christmas
displays--
- The men!
- What?
The man's chant!
It's a tradition. We forgot--
It's a tradition. All the
men must close their eyes
and chant.
Um, what do I do?
And you can do it too, Beth.
Oh, really?
- Yeah, but don't chant.
- No, of course not.
- OK.
- OK. So...
- Dad.
- What? We cover our eyes,
- OK.
and we chant.
OK, just cover your eyes,
everyone.
OK, now keep them covered
all the way.
- Please don't touch me.
Just cover--
it's part of the tradition.
OK. OK.
OK, here we go.
[Richard improvises a chant]
[Chanting continues,
others join]
[All chanting, playing along]
Ay, yuy, yuy, yuy!
[Chanting concludes]
That's it.
Good man chant.
- Yeah.
Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- To what?
To the--to the--
to the blessing.
That was the blessing!
I feel like I was at the
Wailing Wall!
[Laughter]
Yeah, no, it's a beautiful
blessing, We do it every week.
- Yeah.
- Interesting,
but why don't the women
participate?
David:
It's a great question, John.
It's because Eve ate the
apple, so you can't chant.
Eve was a fool.
I'd never eat the apple.
- But you still can't chant.
- You still can't chant.
Ellen: What are your other
kids doing?
Meghan's siblings all live
overseas.
For quite some time now.
And so what did you do to
make them all want to leave?
Beth: Oh, you're very funny!
- Aww.
Beth: Actually, Meghan's
sister Beatrice, she lives in
Milan,
working as a fashion
consultant.
Mmm, mmm.
That's a lovely camisole
you have on there.
Thank you.
- It's not a camisole.
- But it is lovely.
I have some talent,
not much, but, but Beatrice
did get me 40% off.
It's a pretty good discount,
huh? Hmm?
[Silverware drops on plate]
[Beth laughs nervously]
You know, when David
asked us for permission
to marry Meghan,
of course we said yes.
John: We love David.
Beth: But what really moved
me was; I asked David
and he said he would be
willing to move anywhere
that Meghan wanted,
even back to Wisconsin.
Meg: Well, I don't know Mom.
I really like New York.
Beth: Well, I did, too, in my
twenties, but people move on.
Not always.
John! You know, my dad here
is a big Cheesehead.
No, is that right? I thought
you'd be rooting
for the Giants.
Excuse me?
- The football team, Dad.
You done?
- It's full.
Don't want to fill up on soup.
- Richard only likes baseball.
- Yankees or Mets?
Richard: You know what,
I actually like both.
You look done.
I guess.
[Heavy breathing]
[Muffled voices in next room]
Adam: You know, Meg knows
more about Judaism than
most of my friends.
Ellen: Yeah, she's doing
wonderfully in class.
Meg: I don't know how much
credit I actually deserve.
Rabbi Morgenstern is
really, really great.
Yeah, and he rarely
does conversions.
Well, we've heard all about
the Rabbi.
Richard: Does anyone want
some of this wine?
It's got the wax seal on it,
so it's...it's fancy.
- I'll take some.
- Me too.
Beth: You know, Adam,
the funny thing is Meghan was
never really very religious.
Meg: Yeah but I always
liked the stories,
the Bible stories.
Beth: Right, yes, it's all
fairly similar.
It's just not as draconian.
Draconian?
Well, not the rules, but
I mean, just, you know, we--
we both have family time
together,
Jews, Friday dinner
and us Sunday brunch.
We just don't want our kids
to feel pressured about
showing up.
No, of course,
pressure is no good.
Meg: You know the Rabbi, he
said that, well, we've been
talking about the Talmud,
and how it's essentially
just a book of arguing.
[Laughter]
John: Meghan was in
debate club.
- Mm-hmm.
- She was captain.
She always had a real...
what is the word you use?
Ootz-bah.
- Chutzpah.
- Chutzpah.
How do you say it?
- Chutzpah.
- Chutzpah.
- No, Chutzpah.
- Hootzbah?
- No.
- You're a natural.
Isn't that derogatory?
Mom! No, no, no.
It's more like...
- A certain boldness.
- Gumption.
It's more audacity.
- Well, I wouldn't call her
audacious.
- Oh, no.
- But it's a good audacious.
Is there such thing?
- Well, that depends on who
you ask.
Ellen: Why are you
looking at me?
Well, you're sitting
across from me.
Where else am I
supposed to look?
John: Well, that's not the way
I meant it.
I meant to say that
she always had a real poise.
Beth: Yes, the rest of our
children are never really into
debate or argument,
but Meghan always had a
penchant for that.
Well, makes me feel a lot
better about losing every
argument.
Well, it's fine. I'll
find a class for you.
[Laughter]
- Aww...
John: Abby, um...
don't you have a boyfriend?
What's his name?
Abby: No, I...
[Nervously stuttering]
Uh, Benjamin?
- Yes, where's Benjamin?
- Is he still joining us?
- What?
- Benjamin, your boyfriend.
Meghan said he was
gonna be joining us.
Oh, MY boyfriend. Oh...
He... he tri--you know, he
wanted--he wanted to be here.
But there was...
- He was going to, but he--
I think it was, there
was some sort of traffic.
Meg: Right? And I was gonna
say he couldn't make it.
- There was something--
- What happened?
David: You know, it's one
of those things.
Richard: The
transportation, you know...
[Footsteps approaching]
Abby: It was the traffic...
[Spoon hits plate;
talking stops]
Good Shabbos, everyone.
Sorry I'm late.
Prayer ran long, real long.
That was one slow-ass Rabbi.
And look at you two,
you gorgeous people
must be Meg's parents.
Benjamin.
- Uh, John.
- Pleasure.
- Beth!
- Beth!
All right, Benjamin, Beth.
Got a little B&B going there,
huh?
- Yeah!
- Ellen.
Richie!
Shabbat, Shalom.
Hey, buddy,
what's happening?
Darling.
[Laughs nervously]
[Kiss]
Mmm!
Well, you all look surprised.
- We don't.
- We're not.
[Laughter]
I'm just playing.
Look, I get it, OK?
People hear
"Benjamin the Jew,"
and it's not what they
think of, right?
I mean, not what they picture.
Ha ha ha!
Honestly, no.
I got two words for you,
Big John:
Ethiopian. Jews.
From Ethiopia?
Yeah, the lost tribe, baby.
Lost for thousands of years,
but...we're back.
- That's true.
- I--I see.
Benjamin, don't you
have that thing?
Jordan:
No, I'm good to chill.
Benjamin, I'd love to know--
You have questions, my love,
I have answers.
Well, I haven't, you know,
read about this, but are there
many in your community?
Well, yeah, I mean, we're
just not as well-known,
I mean, but there's a lot of
us about, what, 200 thou,
give or take a thou.
I'm so glad you're found.
Richard: You know, many
scholars believe that they
descended
from King Solomon and
Queen Sheba and others.
Yes.
From Dan, the Lost Tribe.
Richard: That's right.
That's right.
So, why don't we all know
about this?
You want to know why
you don't know?
Because we control the media.
You know what
we want you to know.
Richard:
Now, hold on there.
And the banks.
- Uh...
- Yeah.
And Adam operates
the space lasers that
control the weather.
Yeah, I do that.
[Imitating laser gun]
Pyuu! Pyuu! Pyuu!
Pyuu! Pyuu!
[Laughter]
Oh, very funny, Benjamin.
He does this routine.
Yeah, it goes on
a long time.
"We control the media.
We control the banks."
"We're in charge of
everything." [Laughter]
Of course, I'm just playing.
Well you can say it,
but I can't.
[All laughing]
And you shouldn't.
I mean, honestly, do you
really think Richie here
runs a bank?
He doesn't even run
his own house.
[Laughter]
John: That's funny.
- I'm gonna get the mains.
- Let me help.
No, no, no, no, no.
Tradition.
[Instrumental music]

[Somber music]

[Somber music concludes]
Really? Your own
special place.
And where is that?
Abby: No, no, no.
I don't think Benjamin
means it in a literal sense.
- Yes, I do.
- No, he doesn't.
Yes, I do! Would you like
to know where?
Nobody keeps their foreskin!
Yes, we do.
Tell them where it is.
- Please don't.
- You're gonna like this.
Jordan: Mine's is in
a snow globe.
- Meg!
- Yeah?
Why don't you do your
d'var Torah?
Meg: Oh, I don't, um--
- Please share.
- Yeah, please, d'var Torah.
I don't think that's actually
the best--
- No, I think you should.
- Yeah, Bible story.
You have a Bible story,
darling?
It's the best Bible story.
- Oh, I got some stories.
- You've told your stories.
- But they were good stories.
All right, Meg, let's hear it.
Meg: Um, OK.
Yes, um, hello.
So, this week's Torah portion
is the story of Joseph and
his brothers, how Joseph's
brothers dipped his
multicolored coat
in blood to pretend
that he died.
- Good subject.
- Thank you.
I thought so too, yesterday.
Um...
[Clears throat]
So, um, in the Torah,
Mom, Dad,
every detail is there
for a reason.
However, in this story, there
is one moment in particular
that at first glance
appears meaningless.
When Joseph was wandering
around looking for his
brothers,
he asked a stranger, can you
tell me where my brothers are?
And the stranger replied,
"They went to Dothan."
So, why would the Torah
include such a trivial
passage?
Just a stranger
giving directions.
The sages say it's because
this stranger wasn't just
a normal person.
He was actually an angel who
didn't know he was an angel.
He had a vital role in this
story, but he had no way of
knowing at the time
the significance
of this small interaction.
And like this stranger,
we all have the ability to
change the course
of someone else's life
with a small moment
or kindness.
We, too, can all be angels
who didn't know that they
were angels.
[Applause]
Rabbi Meg.
A lovely story.
That was great sweetie.
- Wonderful.
- Beautiful.
- Thank you.
Oh, well, it's time for
dessert.
We have 7-layer cake, and
my father and Richard's
favorites,
Linzer tarts.
Mmm.
[Laughter]
Dessert?
Yes, I'm so sorry. This is
very embarrassing for me,
but as I was walking
out of the bathroom
by the kitchen, I saw that
the cat had knocked
everything on the floor.
- Oh, not the cat!
- Ruined the entire meal.
Plop!
- He's done this before.
This has happened before.
- He's a terrible cat.
- Garfield on cocaine.
The cat knocked over
the dinner.
That sounds like what
happened. I believe so.
- Should we order food?
- Yes.
- No.
- No!
- No.
- We can't use phones
on Shabbos.
But we can.
Just tell us the place.
No, that's cheating. Can't.
You know what, I think things
are just not working out
here tonight.
I think we should all
get together tomorrow
and have a great brunch.
- Yes! Brunch!
- Yes! Brunch!
- I love brunch!
- We love brunch.
- You love brunch.
- Yeah.
We came all the way from
Wisconsin to be here.
And we appreciate
you coming very much.
There's just no predicting
that things like this
could happen.
But never did I think that we
would be rushed out your home.
No, no, Dad, I promise
it's this cat. It's--
- He's aggressive and--
- Aggressive how?
You know, it's my cat.
And I have burdened my sweet
parents with it for too long.
He knocked everything on the
floor, and when I say ev--
Do you expect us to believe
that the entire meal just
suddenly disappeared?!
Hmm!
- Yeah...
- Yeah...
[Clearing throat]
Let me help you clean up.
What? No, no, no,
no, no, no, please.
- You're our guests.
- Our guests of honor.
No, I insist.
No, no, no, it's fine.
- It's just simple manners.
I promise.
Let me help!
- You're free to leave.
Fine!
- Not until it's clean!
- It's totally unnecessary!
- Let me help you, please!
- Just--
- Oh!
John: What was that?
Did you just intentionally
spill wine all over me?
- It was an accident.
- An accident?
John, John, he didn't mean it.
Well, he swiped his
arm right across the table!
Richard: No, I was reaching
for the salt,
the salt over there.
Let's go.
That's all right,
it's all right.
Let me just clean up
and have some dessert.
Where's your bathroom?
Ellen: Wait a minute,
you're staying?
Are you sure you want to stay?
I mean, don't you want
to go home and change?
I mean I think you're
just a real mess.
Aah!
- Aah!
Ohh...
[Plate rattles]
Ohh...
So, you're not gonna
believe this, but, um,
there's this tradition.
- Ugh!
Enough with the traditions,
OK?
Beth: You should be ashamed.
You should all be ashamed.
John: Is this because I
wouldn't wear that little hat?
What?
That thing on your head.
- What, the yarmulke?
- Yes.
Would you have shown
me respect if I had worn it?
Respect? No, you
have my respect.
You've always had my respect.
- Oh, yes, of course we
respect you.
And we're very happy
that you came.
- Yeah.
- Sure you are.
Well, let's go, honey.
- No, John.
- Dad, come on.
- Beth!
- Stop.
Meg: Dad! Mom!
[Groaning]
Dad!
[Voice breaking]
This is what you want?
Mom.
Bye, Meg.
David: Beth...
[Crying]
I love you both.
[Door closes]
Jordan: See ya at the wedding!
OK, 4 minutes until
Cano's shift. Let's move.
Hey, Wolf!
What the hell was that?
I was playing a part.
"See you at the wedding?"
No, you won't.
You'll be dead!
- He was just being polite.
- Polite?
- I thought it was smart.
- What do you--
Hey, Soup Boy,
don't talk to me right now,
OK? I can't even look at you.
How am I supposed to have
a relationship with them now?
Well, we'll worry
about that later.
- Oh, you must be so happy.
- Happy?
This must be such
a wonderful silver lining
for you.
Meg: David, just stop, stop.
Meg, I'm so sorry.
Meg: No, it's fine.
Let's just keep it moving.
All right, everyone,
listen up.
Abby: Oh, we're still
listening to this guy?
Jordan: Yes, we are. Let's get
you two out on the porch,
make sure your parents
left, and David, help me
with the body.
- Fine.
- OK. I'll make snacks.

Everyone looks the
same from up here.
Just look for two people
with a big height difference.
- You OK?
- No, I'm not, I...
I have had to do so much
to be a part of your family,
and he just gets to waltz
into mine.
- It is--
- Not fair.
Yeah, I mean, he's
literally had to do nothing.
Abby: Yeah, David is a...
[Sighs]
The thing about David is
he hasn't had to do nearly
as much as he's had to do,
but when he cares about
somebody and I've seen how
much he cares about you,
he would do
literally anything.
I mean, look at tonight.
He's basically conspiring
murder for Adam.
He likes you way more
than he likes Adam.
- Well--
- We all do.
[Laughter]
Abby: Oh, oh! That's them!
They're leaving!
They're leaving!
- That's our cue.
- Hmm?
- That's our cue!
- OK.
- Hey, dumb ass.
- Huh?
- 78th Street.
- 78th Street.
Jordan: Hey, dumbass, come on.
Get some--Ready?
1...2...
[Grunting, groaning]
Bruh, hit the button.
- Could you--
- You're right there.
David: I know, I know,
it's just, in my head
I made this promise with
God that if he helped us
get through
the night, I'd keep shops
for the rest of my life,
and that means
no electricity.
- Man, for real?
- Yeah.
- Push the fucking button.
- OK.
[Grunting, struggling]
I'm not lifting with my back
at all!
[Grunting, struggling]
Mrs. Grundwerg.
Grundwerg:
Do I have any mail?
Um, already dropped it off.
Here you go.
Good evening.
You wait here. I'm going
to get the cart.
Try not to look so suspicious.
Jesus!
[Wheels rumbling on cement]

- Jordan!
- Aah!
Garbage day is not
until Sunday.
It's not Sunday?
- No, it is not Sunday.
- Oh.
- Why are you here so early?
- Going to eat in the lobby.
You don't want to chill
in the park?
- No.
- Right, OK.
Let me get that for you.
Uh, Cano, do you
think you can, uh,
watch the front door
while you eat?
9A called about
their--their...
- Yes, sure.
- Oh, thank--
Jordan?
[Door creaks]
Yeah?
What is that thing
on your head?
It's Shabbos, baby.

[Door opens]
[Ellen and Adam gasp]
- Why are you back?
- They're back?
Uh...Cano was early.
Shit.
So that's it.
We're screwed, right?
David, what--
What do you think?
- Jordan? I'm sorry.
- All good, all good.
Ellen: Why are you telling
Jordan you're sorry?
He's fine.
Adam's the one who's
gonna be in trouble.
- That's it, prison.
- I mean...
I'm gonna go to prison.
I don't think you're gonna
be the only one.
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm calling the police.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, you're not--
- Stop! Stop.
I should call the cops,
turn myself in,
at least have a little bit
of dignity.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Adam!
- What!
I'm the black sheep
of the family.
Everyone knows I don't have
much of a future anyway.
- Stop it. That's not true.
- That is nonsense!
Richard: Yeah, there's lots of
things that you can--
[Crying]
I was rejected from the IDF!
I just needed something
to talk about at the table
every week,
so I didn't feel like
a complete loser.
Richard: But there's lots of
things you can do.
You can sing the aleph bet.
You work out with those
calisthenics in your room.
- Yes, yes!
- Mom? Dad?
- It's true.
- Dad!
Richard: What? What?
Adam: If I can't
defend Israel...
then at least I can
take the fall for us.
Stop it.
This is my fault.
I should have broken up
with him forever ago.
I just--
didn't want to hear everyone
tell me how wrong I was.
Richard: It should be me.
I should never have
let things go this far.
You know, I have my
readings and my conflict
resolution seminars,
but when the time came to act,
I couldn't find the words that
you kids needed.
- No!
- I just--
I'll tell the police I did it.
I put in the laxatives.
I was mad at that boy for
being mean to my son,
so I poisoned him,
and I should pay the price.
- No. But Mom--
- Mom.
No, I deserve it anyway.
Meg...
the way I've treated you,
and then seeing you tonight,
and the way that
you've helped.
I just want you to know
that no amount of conversion
will change the fact
that you're already
a part of this family.
Adam: Jordan?
- Plan B!
- What!
- No, no, no, no!
- Jordan! Jordan!
[All chaotically shouting]
Jordan, don't!
No, it's OK. I'm gonna
get him in the garbage cart.
What?! Jordan!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Steph Curry!
[Thud]
[All groaning]
Ooo...
Um...
I think it's time to call
an ambulance.
What the hell is that?
We just got here.

We're all horrible.
Richard: Maybe we should all
go to prison together.
Abby: We should probably start
getting our story straight.
Adam: I don't really care.
[Police sirens approaching]
[Police radio chatter]

[Three knocks at the door]
I'll get it.

Mr. Gelfand?
Ah, yes. Good to see you,
officers.
Um,
is there a place we can talk?
Yeah, sure.
Right--right this way.

Richard: As head of the
household officer, I should
say that--
Officer: No, hold on.
I understand this must be
traumatic for all of you,
but it's protocol that we
pull you each aside
for questioning.
But before that happens...
we found this in the
victim's pocket.
We have to keep this
for evidence,
but I think it's only right
that you get to hear it
firsthand
and not from some reporter.
That would be good.
"Every weekend
for the past year,
"I've witnessed
something beautiful--
[Typing]
"5 family members
who barely get along.
"But no matter how much
they're fighting,
"they still come together
every Friday night.
"We stick together, whether
we're in New York or Ethiopia.
"I'm sorry to do this
on this special night,
"but all the stress
finally got to me.
"You know what they say.
Running the bank is hard work.
Sincerely, Benjamin."
[Paper pulls out]

[Mouths "Plan C"]
There he goes.

[Dramatic musical flourish]
Woman: I'm so sorry.
I worked with Benji,
and he was so funny
and such a good guy.
Hmm.
He was so sweet and always
made me feel so comfortable
in the office.
And he was really so funny
and really just--oh, God,
I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Hi, Adam.
- She was the one
who slept with--
- I know.
Meg: You know why
it's called a Shiva?
David: Because it's a Shiva?
Meg: No, it's because Shiva
means 7 in Hebrew
and it's supposed to last
for 7 days.
You know, um, if you don't
want to take the classes,
you really don't have to.
[Kissing]
When do I get one of those?
I don't think you can.
I'm gonna keep going
till I get one.
John: Hello there.
- Mom, Dad, hi!
- Hi, honey.
Richard:
John, Beth, what are you...
John: We just wanted to come
by and offer our condolences.
Ellen: Oh, OK.
And to apologize for
leaving early on Friday night.
Oh, that's all right.
John: Look, um, we don't
remember that night too well.
- Oh, it was so hectic.
- Oh, yeah, it was.
John: Mm-hmm.
But I definitely do not recall
meeting a Caucasian Benjamin.

I want Thanksgiving.
What?
I get Meg and David
for Thanksgiving every year.
David: I hear Wisconsin
is beautiful in the fall.
- You're gonna love it.
- Yeah.
And Christmas and Easter.
But sometimes Christmas
and Hanukkah overlap.
Hanukkah's 8 days.
You'll manage.
But we'll lose some days
for travel,
especially with snow
that time of year.
Ellen, Ellen, Ellen... enough.
- OK? OK.
- OK, OK.
Now, that's chutzpah.
Ellen: Oh, yeah.
I think they'll make
good in-laws.
[Upbeat ending music begins]
- Mom! Dad!
- Oh!
- Can we please go?
- She's been waiting.
- She's always yelling.
- Stop.
It's just like--
can't she just like...
[Kiss]
[Ernest Ernie
and the Sincerities'
"Count on Me" playing'

When there's trouble
and there's bound to be
Don't you worry,
you can count on me
And when that storm
has drifted out to sea...
Man: Shame about that boy.
Second man: Oh, terrible!
Terrible!
Ernie: You can count on me
First man: Terrible thing.
Oh, boy.
Ernie: When that storm is
rolling in, and there's
nowhere to hide
Chorus: I will be there
First man: Oh, you--
you never finished that joke
you were telling me before.
- What joke?
- The joke about the Rabbi--
Oh, the Rabbi
and the tent. Ah!
It's not such a good joke.
Chorus: I will be there
Eddie: And there'll be
nights when you're fighting
for your rights
And all your friends
will walk away
Chorus: Ooh ooh ooh
Eddie: And you'll be strong,
as you had to be
for so, so long
But I'll be there anyway
'Cause when you're standing
on crumbling ground
And the sky starts
tumbling down
WelI, I will always be
around
You can count on me
You count on me
When you got to be
discreet on your way
through town
Chorus: I will be there
Eddie: And when they stop
you on the street, trying to
break you down
Chorus: I will be there
Eddie: Now, ladies, they'll
attack you till you fall,
till you come undone
Chorus: I will be there
Eddie: Oh, yeah
Then when your back's
against the wall
And there's nowhere,
and there's nowhere
Nowhere to run
Chorus: I will be there
Eddie: Cause when you're
standing on crumbling ground
Yeah, and the sky starts
tumbling down
Well, I will always be
around
You can count on me,
yeah
Chorus: Ooh ooh ooh
Eddie: You can count on me,
yeah
You can count on me
Chorus: Ooh ooh ooh
Count on me...