Bad Sugar (2012) Movie Script

I've met the most beautiful
woman in the world,
and I'm going to marry her!
And best of all, Daddy,
she's from one of
the racial groups you tolerate!
We haven't met yet.
I'm Rolph's sister, Daphne.
I'm sure he'll be down soon.
Fingers crossed!
Tuck that shirt right down there,
Lucy? This is bad luck!
For me to see you!
But you haven't seen me!
Damn! Damn this bad luck!
God damn! Maybe we should
take a rain check.
I can't believe
you're doing this to me!
I'm not! It's Lipton!
Bloody Lipton confusing me!
You're so hot, and I'm so hot,
so let's just get the hell married
and have ourselves a bunch of hot,
rich kids!
Just tuck it right down there,
That's it.
Right down.
Therefore, we begin the service
of joining together
these two before us
in the holy union of marriage.
Who's the oldster, Rolph?
It's just Dad.
But... I thought your dad
was on a machine.
Yeah, he is. Bloody running machine!
But I thought you said
life support machine?
God, no! That was a false alarm.
He's much better now.
Didn't I tell you?
No, you didn't.
That's great!
Sorry, it's just a surprise
to see your dad looking so perky.
Such a wonderful surprise.
I'm just...
I'm just so surprised.
Is hidden from your eyes...
I'm marrying your son.
It's just lovely
to finally meet you.
How are you feeling, would you say?
Out of... out of ten?
OK... five.
Could be better, could be worse.
We can all live with five!
Anyway, on with the wedding!
If any of you know of cause
or just impediment
why these two persons should not
be joined in holy matrimony,
you are to declare it now.
I've no such reason
to henceforth declare.
Thank you.
Lovely to meet you.
Thank you so much.
See you later.
Welcome to the family!
So exciting!
May you be welcome here
for as long as you may stay.
Thank you.
I love your dress.
So clever of you to make everyone
else feel so comfortable.
Welcome to hell!
Don't mind my husband.
Greg's just bitter
cos his legs don't work.
Still... lovely suit.
I'm sorry it's all so rushed.
We zoomed back when we heard
your father wasn't well.
I guess we just couldn't wait.
So I hear you met
whilst Rolph was cruising.
On the cruise, yes.
Don't you think you've had enough?
Greg's a member of an elite squad.
The Wine Police.
His weapon is the wet blanket.
I'm so excited about you
cutting the cake!
I baked it specially!
Let's hope there's no bad sugar
in this one, Joan.
There's no bad sugar in this one,
Daphne. I made sure of it.
Bad sugar?
It's just a joke! Isn't it, Joan?
A joke about how you poisoned
your twin brother.
We're always doing them.
Yes, we do do them a lot.
Joan killed Neil with some bad sugar
when they were seven,
and now we relieve the tension
with jokes.
It's nice to relieve the tension
with some jokes about how...
about how I killed Neil.
These are the good times,
by the way.
This is everyone
on their best behaviour.
You look so beautiful!
Better than a supermodel.
A super-duper model!
Lipton, there.
Rolph, look.
Daphne's wedding present.
It's full of dead wasps.
I guess you'd call him my manservant.
Pshh, I wish!
Hell of a guy.
Rolphie, I was thinking.
Why don't we get away for a while?
Just you and me?
Go travelling.
Interesting, yeah.
Just take a few of the guys
and go off.
Just me and you and Lipton.
Or just us?
Could be cool.
Could be very cool.
I'd have to talk to Dad, though.
Maybe he won't mind letting me
have enough for another holiday.
You... you have to ask your dad?
The mines are mine, Lucy!
It's easier to remember that way.
The mines are his.
My mines, my money!
Daddy keeps a tight grip
on our purse strings.
Just like he keeps a tight
grip on the workers' wages
all across Namibia and Angola
and Mozambique!
The lower the wages,
the higher the profits.
And never mind
the safety standards
and let the devil take the hindmost!
We comply by governmental
safety standards, Greg.
You know that.
We often end up
talking about mine safety codes,
don't we, Greg and Daddy?
Yes, of course we do.
Because if the codes
were enforced,
then maybe my goddamn
useless legs might work!
Don't be such a show-off,
What do you think
of the Riesling?
It's exceptional.
Of course it is, Ralphfred!
It complements the foie gras
Well... I suppose, erm...
business is business.
Exactly. Business is business.
You picked a smart one here, Rolph!
For once, you didn't lay
a great egg in your pants.
I wanted to ask you, Ralphfred,
these lovely...
Don't you touch those,
you, please!
I'm sorry, Lucy.
Those actually happen to be
the last thing our mother touched
before she left us for ever.
Oh, I'm sorry!
I'd no idea!
It's fine.
How were you supposed to know?
You couldn't.
You don't know this family
and you don't know anyone in it.
I don't think
they were the last things...
They definitely were, Joan,
so why don't you shut up?!
Maybe just stop at the four glasses
tonight, eh, Daphne?
Lucy, do help yourself
to my speciality dish.
All the useless sausage you can eat.
Mmm, sausage!
That's Terry. He drowned.
That's Paul. He was run over.
Liam, we're not sure.
Maybe oat intolerance.
And this is Richard, my current one.
He's not dead yet.
Oh! Oh, they're beautiful! I love...
they're horses, aren't they?
Yes, they're horses.
Yes! Brilliant!
I love horses! It's just I've been
away on the ship,
so I'm not up on
all the current... beasts.
But I know I've found someone
who's going to tell me
about every single one.
How wonderful!
You could be the sister I never had!
But you have a sister.
Oh, yes! Daphne!
I forgot all about her for a moment.
Silly me! Maybe it's because
we didn't grow up together.
At 16, Daphne went away
to Los Angeles to become a star.
But due to the scientologists
and growing sick of sucking all that
you-know-what, she got frozen out.
So then she went to Har-vard,
which is American for university,
but she ended up in Baltimore,
living with a monkey.
That's where Daddy and Dr Trennamen
went to get her.
They put her in hospital,
and they cured her with electricity.
That's nice!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is it...
Oh, did Neil play the piano?
Oh, did you drop a piano on him?
Afterwards? To finish him off?
I used to play,
but I can't any more.
There was an accident.
Oh, dear Joan, tell me all about it.
I don't remember exactly what
happened, because I was fast asleep.
Silly old, lazy old me!
But this one time,
I was playing in church
and everyone said I was the best and
I should play for Daddy's birthday.
And I was getting a bit
full of myself.
On the morning of the concert,
I woke up and my fingers were all...
Not right.
And I haven't played since.
That's awful, Joan! You must play!
Yeah. Oh, well, never mind,
cos soon it's my birthday!
And Neil's.
And even though Neil won't be there,
his head will.
It's not quite finished.
It's meant to be what Neil would
look like now, if I hadn't...
killed him.
Oh! Lovely!
I mean, it does look...
- quite a lot like Colin Firth.
- Yes!
We don't know what Neil
would look like,
and I like Colin Firth.
I said to the sculptor,
"Why not throw some
Colin Firth in there?!"
Or maybe he would look like
Colin Firth.
Exactly. Maybe he would.
We're going to officially
unveil it on Thursday.
It'll just be us and some wonderful
people from a poisoned boys charity.
I support poisoned boys charities
now a lot.
Oh... poisoned boys are sad,
aren't they?
You know, I think
you should play on Thursday.
For Neil.
No, Daphne's explained. I can't.
If I ever play again,
everybody would laugh.
Do you really think I could?
That's lovely!
Joan... and it'll be
even better by Thursday.
She'll need longer than that!
I don't want to play
if Daphne doesn't like it.
Because Daphne gets
terrible headaches,
and if they get really bad,
she might die.
Joan, your make-up
is embarrassing you again.
Go to the bathroom to fix it.
Oh, dear. Sorry. Thank you, Daphne.
Only a real bitch
would encourage Joan
to make a fool of herself
in public.
Well, bitch is as bitch does.
Revenge is a bitch best served cold.
Too many bitches spoils the broth.
A bitch in time saves nine.
Bitches in glass houses
shouldn't throw bitches.
Honey, darling?
How much lithium do you have
left in your lithium jar?
Because you're going to
need all of it.
Rolph just saw your father
and Rodrigo in the chapel.
They were going
into the confession booth.
And apparently,
he had a copy of a will.
A new will.
A new will?
I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
He's probably just bored
of the old will.
"My boring, boring will! Yawn!"
Lucy, would you like to
come to my room?
Thank you, Daphne. How kind!
But what about...?
Oh, don't worry about him.
He never does anything in there
but weep.
Oh... poor Greg.
It's actually my bed.
I sleep with my legs up.
It... keeps my face young.
I'm so sorry about earlier. I...
I wasn't very friendly!
I suppose I'm just jealous because
you're... you're so beautiful.
Oh, now you're joking!
You're the beautiful one.
Oh, no. You're lovely.
I'm just an old sack.
Oh, no, I'm an old sack.
You're too perfect.
Your hair...
it's like there's a wonderful
machine inside your head,
pumping out luxuriant, glossy hairs.
Mine? It's like sticks!
Do sit. Let me brush yours.
Gosh, it's easy to see what made
Rolph fall in love with you.
All the other dancers were married
to semi-professional footballers
and Syrian police guys.
I guess I was the last on the shelf!
I always said
Rolph needed a wife
with a good sense of humour!
I did have a very long thing
with a friend of
Gareth Southgate's brother's agent.
But he wasn't a good guy.
He took all my savings to Latvia.
I was planning a small troupe where
we took dancers to rural areas
to solve things and that.
Oh, how wonderful.
Well, you know, maybe you can
start your dance troupe here.
I mean, Rolph loves dancers
and dancing.
Daphne, do you think
it might be friendly
to talk to Rodrigo
about the will?
Yes, I think that would be
a good idea.
Let's have a lovely, girly brunch
at, say, 10.35am,
and we can talk tactics
and croissants.
Mummy, I'm scared.
Don't be silly, you're not.
There's nothing to be scared about,
so you can't be scared, can you?
Tell Teddy all about it.
Goodnight, dear.
Oh, lovely!
Yes. Tell Teddy.
Teddy might be interested.
So... Rolph.
The wait's over.
You're finally going to get it.
Although... I was just thinking,
crazy idea, but do you think
maybe we should actually
wait a little bit longer?
Rolph, I already made you
wait a month.
You must be ready to pop.
The longer you wait,
the more romantic it is.
That's how romance works.
It's our wedding night.
I don't think I'll ever feel
more romantic than this.
How do you know, until you try?
By tomorrow,
you might feel twice as romantic!
Or half!
I admit, it's a gamble.
But you've got to throw the dice.
Rolph, why aren't you...?
It's all soft and tiny!
Oh, I'm sorry!
It's just... I never realised that
getting married would be so tiring.
I'm going to turn you on, Rolph.
Whether you like it or not!
Oh, I like it!
I love it!
I'm going to do things to you
that'll drive you wild!
But first, I'm going to sort
out my Adobe Flash,
because the updates on this baby
are making me so I can't concentrate
on anything!
Look... Rolph!
Are you a fruit?
What on hell on earth
are you talking about?!
You need to talk to someone.
Maybe a Christian with a machine
might be able to sort you out.
Yeah, right, OK!
I'll show you how gay I am!
Get on that bed right now,
you hot little bitch!
And open the drawer
and put on the Matt Damon mask!
Don't you think wanting me
to wear a Matt Damon mask
might just be a little bit gay?
Are you crazy?! Of course not!
I just happen to think that
he's a really talented actor,
and that makes me hard!
Look, honey, I'm no poof, OK?
Maybe if we're having problems
in the bedroom,
it's that you're just not hot enough.
Maybe if you were
just a little bit hotter,
I might not be quite so "gay."
I just like their abs!
It's fitness tips!
And fitness tips make me hard!
Fitness tips, great abs and
award-winning acting make me hard,
and if you can't handle that,
you can eff off!
So did you have a good wedding night,
lovely Lucy?
Yeah, satisfied, that's me,
one satisfied customer.
Yes, I remember
my wedding night with Greg
before what happened
with his abilities.
I won't go into the gory details,
but let's just say,
I couldn't walk for days.
You seem to be walking all right.
I'm trying.
Are you ready for this?
Let's do it!
Art thou busy? I was wondering
if I could have a word.
Of course, Lucy.
God's ears are always open.
is it hot in here or is it just me?
The temperature is at 21 degrees,
as the Vatican suggests.
I've a question,
but I feel ashamed to ask, Papa,
I feel as if I'm naked before you.
Maybe we should discuss
this another time.
It's regarding the physical side of
a relationship between a man and a
and whether during those times,
if it's all right when a man is...
Excuse me, Papa, but...
When a man is hard.
And a woman is...
To use words like...
I cannot say.
Perhaps you shouldn't.
Words like...
And jam your...
Into my tiny...
The-the-these are mere words so...
Does my finger feel hot, father?
Does it?
I feel as if I'm burning up.
If God made me, then can't I adore
myself with my fingers, father?
So sorry to interrupt.
Nothing to interrupt.
No. You were talking about adoring
with fingers, I heard you.
But... No adoring.
Her, with her fingers.
Yes, Rodrigo, I didn't get all
the disgusting details, I'm sorry.
Look, Daphne...
Did Daddy tell you about the will?
I cannot speak to
you of this matter.
I'm sure you'd like to stay dumb,
but if you do, I might blab about
what you and Lucy are doing in here.
We were talking!
Do you like dancing, Father?
Well, everyone likes dancing.
I feel like dancing,
do you feel like dancing, Lucy?
No, no!
Please, ladies, leave now.
We can dance or not dance, but even
if you say no, we'll still do it.
Ladies, please, I've taken vows.
You wouldn't be breaking your vows
if you were forced. Two against one.
We could put something up you,
if it would make it more convincing.
I'm married to God!
Tell us what's in the will, Rodrigo,
or we're going to give you
what you want.
Please... please.
Remind me, Rodrigo, did I remember
to put on any panties this morning?
No, you didn't, Lucy.
Oh, thank you.
Please stop your dances,
for the love of God!
What's in the new will, Rodrigo?
Your father is changing
his will for Maria the nurse.
If you're scared of a bee,
just think it's a woodlouse with
an overcoat and fairy wings,
and that's a nice way to
think of a bee.
So... the news is, Joan, that...
Your dad's changed his will to
leave everything to Maria.
That's interesting. Oh, well, all
for the best cos everyone's nice.
Look, Joan,
because you're very sweet,
as everyone is always telling me
and I always agree,
you may not realise, but if Daddy
dies, Maria gets all the money,
then all your bees, all your animals,
they're going to die, Joan.
How? From no food.
Or be shot by Maria.
Maria is threatened by
everything, Joan,
even animals getting more
attention than her.
If Daddy's out and he looks at a cow,
how come it's mysteriously
dead the next day?
Because it... isn't.
But if it was, Joan,
if it always was?
Well, I suppose if it was...
You're too sweet, Joan.
You don't see all the filth
What are we going to do?
Well, Lucy and I have had a talk
and we've come up with
a really nice idea,
which is to get Simon to help us.
Oh, that sounds nice!
Um, we think someone might need to
seduce Simon to...
Help us with our plan.
I'll do it!
No need to jump in, Joan,
you look quite the little slut.
I didn't mean...
If we have to seduce him,
I don't want to but I could do.
Really? OK because if you
don't want to... I can.
Oh, well, right, thanks,
Lucy but... I-I don't want to but...
I actually don't mind that much.
No? Because I don't mind at all.
That's very generous, Lucy.
You two have been
so generous with me.
You have a man-stallion
to keep happy.
Not really. Hah! Yeah. Sure, but...
I won't hear of it so soon
after your wedding.
No, that's right,
you should rest. I'll do it.
If we have to do it, I'll just
grit my teeth and close my eyes.
Oh, dear, you two.
No, no, Joan,
you obviously don't want to,
and, Lucy, you can't so I suppose
little old I will just have to do it.
All right?
Thank you, Daphne.
Thank you very much, Daphne.
Hello, Simon.
Oh, my God! Oh, my sweet Lord!
Some of the words you said were
quite rude, Daphne.
Oh dear. Oh dear, Simon.
What? What is it?
Oh, this is bad.
This is really bad.
Is it? But you said it was
so bleeping bleeping good.
What we did, what you just made me
do, it's really bad, Simon,
because I'm married.
But I said that
and you said it didn't matter.
You sort of made me do it.
Well, no. You sort of made me.
You sat on me and I couldn't get up.
Look, we can argue all day about what
did or didn't happen, Simon,
but when Greg finds out he's going to
be really, really angry.
But how is he going to find out?
Because I have to tell him.
Have you?
Yes, Simon, I'm his wife, I have to
tell him the truth, it's the law!
Look, I'm no monster,
I know you'd like me
to be chained up as your sex-doll
but it's never going to happen.
But you said I were going to be
chained up, and you were
going to build a house on my hips so
you could live sitting on my nubbin.
Look, Simon, Greg is going to find
out one way or another,
and then he's probably going to come
and try and shoot you.
That's just what is going to happen.
If you try to stop him,
you won't be able to
unless you try and shoot him
back or something.
But if you do that, you will be
hung by the neck until dead.
Either way, you are definitely
going to die at the moment.
Oh, Daphne. Oh, God!
Yeah. It's looking bad for you,
Simon. It's looking really bad.
Unless... No.
Or could it?
Shh! I'm thinking.
Maybe there is a way you can
make this OK.
By telling Ralphfred that Maria has
been doing terrible things to you,
and having sex with you.
How would that help?
It's complicated, but it would.
Then I wouldn't have to tell
Greg for a very complicated,
serious reason that I can't tell you.
But I like Maria.
I do too.
But there's something you need to
know about her, Simon.
Maria used to lock me up in a
and make me dress up and dance
like a little monkey.
What made is worse is I...
I kinda liked it. Not any more. Not
since the doctor been treating me.
She's evil, Simon, she's pure evil,
and she's got to go.
My phone's died, I think you gave me
the wrong charger,
and now the van's gone funny.
Bloke gave me
a milk bottle full of petrol
but I think there was milk
in it cos it's all gummed up now.
Mum, look, I'll call you
when everything's sorted. OK?
I only want to see my beautiful
And I ran out of ciggies.
What was it like?
It was amazing. I'm sorry there
wasn't room on the guest list
but Lewis Hamilton was there.
Has the dad, you know...
sadly, yet?
No! Look, yeah, look.
I'll meet you in the pub.
There's a tenner for a charger
and some ciggies.
And oh, look, there's a choccy to
remind you of the wedding.
It's got a picture of Ralph
in nougat.
Oh, he looks nice in nougat.
He looks even hotter not in nougat.
I'll text you.
I'm going to take you, Lipton.
I'm taking you.
I'm taking you down.
I've got you. I've got you now.
Rolph's got you, Lipton.
Rolph's got you.
Well, can they not be sewn back on?
Look, just pack the loose arms
in ice, like sea-bream,
and get those poor bastards
to hospital.
My God, Simon, some
of the heartless beasts I work with.
Mining didn't used to be like this.
Things change, sir.
They do indeed, Simon.
They do indeed.
My God, you're right.
"Changes happens to..."
How did you put it?
Things change, sir.
Ah, yeah.
"Things change."
So what did you want to see me about?
It's the matter that I...
I've been having sexual relations
a lot with Miss Maria, sir.
My Maria?
What do you mean... You've known her?
Yes, sir. And I've done her.
W-w-why? W-w-why, Simon?
I mean, I-I love her.
And I love you and...
Why, man?
Maria does terrible things to me,
She makes me dress like a monkey
and keeps me in a cupboard.
And she makes me wear
a paper Christmas hat
when it's not even Christmas.
And she makes me have sex
with her, sir.
And when she does it, we...
we laugh about how
she doesn't really like you.
Miss Joan. Goodbye, Miss Joan.
Where are you going, Simon?
Are you going to the pub for a pint?
That sounds jolly.
Would you like company?
I could put a dress on and come
with you, and I could stand outside
if I was going to be an
embarrassment, which I probably am.
No, Miss Joan, you're not an
embarrassment, you're a nice one,
but old Simon is going for good.
I have to leave the family
employment. I'm never coming back.
But no!
Simon, we all love you,
we just... love you, every one of us.
Yes, but it turns out
I've been betraying your trust
and having it away with Maria,
so I must go.
This isn't part of...?
Did Daphne make you say this?
You've made love to her - Maria?
Goodness. Was it funny?
Because of all the plastic surgery?
Daphne told me that Maria's front
bottom is now by her tummy button,
and her tummy button's been
stitched up with a bit of bum
to make a brand new booby.
I wouldn't know about that.
Why not?
I must go!
No, Simon, don't go.
I don't believe it, it's all a mess.
Why don't you stay in my room?
And we can sort it all out.
In the meantime,
you could stay under my bed
or in my bed if you got cold.
It is quite cold.
No, Miss Joan.
Or you could live in my wardrobe
and I could feed you like a rabbit.
And if you needed a wee,
I could put it into a bottle
and you could wee in there.
That's very kind, Miss Joan,
but... it's a silly dream.
I must be off now to London,
to find a job as a man
who will do anything for money.
And I need to make an early start.
Oh, Daphne, how brilliant of you!
A bonfire, and it's not even
Bonfire Night! It's so exciting!
And what a lovely way to celebrate
Maria leaving as well.
Bye, Maria!
Oh, look here, Lucy, we've got you
a welcome-to-the-family gift.
Oh, a baseball. And the glove thing.
How wonderful.
- Do you like baseball?
- Of course she does. Who doesn't?
Why don't you try it on,
or don't you like it?
Oh, no, look. Oh, it fits perfectly.
If I liked baseball
this would be perfect.
Let's play catch
whilst the marshmallows toast.
Oh, look at us - the three sisters
and an old ball. What fun!
Isn't this the most fun
you can have?
Oh, yes,
well, without a wrap of coke
and a couple of Polish deckhands,
I suppose it is, Joan.
Oh, and thank you for your help
with poor Joan and her recital.
It's just so wonderful to have your
lovely oar stuck into everything.
Oh, sorry, Joan.
It's OK, it's only nettles.
Ow! Ow! Ooh!
I thought you could have these
with your onion.
Leave it, Joan,
Lucy's found another ball!
Coming! You better get back inside
your hutch soon.
You mean under my sheeting.
I'll feed you again in the morning.
Here, Lucy!
Oh, good throw!
Oh, God!
My hands! My hands!
Oh, my God.
This boules ball... it's red hot.
Why would you throw a red-hot
boules ball at my sister?!
I didn't know
the boules ball was hot!
Of course you didn't. How could you?
Your hands were protected
by your lovely new baseball mitt.
Oh, Daphne, my hands,
they hurt so much!
Oh, it's just a nasty trick, dear.
It's probably what they think of
as a joke where she comes from.
I didn't know!
Just goes to show, you should never
catch things without checking
how hot they are first. And you can't
trust anyone outside the family.
Really was quite cruel of you
to give her false hope.
I know how that boules ball got
so overheated.
Well, boules balls can't speak,
so suck it up, sweetheart.
That was magnificent.
That you played on through the pain,
The screams of your pain were,
to my ears, sweeter than any music.
Thank you, Daddy.
And now I have an announcement
to make regarding my will.
Things have come to my attention
in the last few days that mean
Simon and Maria have left
this house, never to return.
Like a fool, I had weakened
and was thinking of leaving
some worthless trinkets to Maria.
Shunt my fudge.
It's made me realise how much
unhappiness wealth can bring,
and so I have decided the greatest
gift I can leave you all is...
I understand. Thank you, Daddy.
Haven't you got a view, Rolph?
I like it.
Could work.
I'm giving it all
to Imperial College London,
so that my remains may be frozen and
work may continue on technologies
until such time as I may be
reanimated as a walking person
or else as a brain
in the temporary body
of a sort of metal crab.
That's just my initial idea,
you understand.
I'm going nowhere, folks,
and you're not coming with me.
Tremendous work, Ralphfred.
I just wanted to say
a few words of my own.
Thank you all so much, to everyone,
for your incredible welcome.
And I thought that...
well, Rolph's had his wedding
and Joan and Neil their birthdays,
and I didn't want Daphne
to feel left out so...
I found this wonderfully evocative
portrait of her on the internet,
taken just after she'd left Harvard,
and had it framed for you all
to enjoy.
That's lovely!
Happy... Daphne Day!
Tell Ralphfred Cauldwell
his American wife and kids are here
and we are sick of being chewed up
like yesterday's toilet paper.
And we love him very much
and if we don't get $1 million
by the end of the month,
we will destroy him.
And we've got a CD of us
singing the whole of U2 for him.
Kind of scratched but... works.
Daphne, why is Father Rodrigo
so hairy?
Because Rodrigo isn't Rodrigo.
He's your dead brother Neil.