Badass Monster Killer (2015) Movie Script
1
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Standing in the
ally of Camaroville
waitin' for my woman
with those dollar bills
(SCREAMS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Hey Freddy.
Shit.
Baby, don't ever sneak up
on a brother like that.
I almost just shot
your fuckin' face off.
Do you even realize
you almost just got
your fucking face shot off?
Take it easy Freddy.
Oh, now good, you got it.
It's a whole lot of freaky shit
going down these days, okay.
That's what I'm talking about.
Shit, you lucky that
a motherfucker like me
looking out for your ass.
If it wasn't for me,
you'd still be down there
doing the hoochie
coochie on Mooch Street,
for top ramen money.
Fucker.
Now don't think I won't
send your motherfuckin' ass
back there too,
shit.
Where the rest of it?
Shit Freddy, you
say that every night.
Seriously.
No matter how much
fucking money I hand you,
you still say it's not enough.
That's because you aught
to be making more money.
Fuck you Freddy.
I mean it.
I been hustling for you
for almost nine months.
It's time you start
showing me some respect.
Respect, hmm?
Showing you some respect.
Start showing you a little
bit of motherfuckin' respect.
Maybe you right.
And maybe we need to
have a little talk
about supply and demand.
See the way it works is
you supply the pussy,
and I demand the money.
Understand me?
I'm tired of having the same
old bullshit talk with you.
Fuck around here with my time.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Ah shit.
Uncle Poon.
Don't ever sneak up on
a brother like that man.
Freddy.
You know I always liked you.
I always try to look after you.
Yeah, well you know we always
been tight and shit, right.
Yeah, that's right Freddy.
That's why it breaks my heart
to see you fuck it up so badly.
What you, what you
talkin' 'bout Uncle Poon?
I'm talking about Freddy,
is that if you keep
selling your girls
on my side of the street,
I'm gonna snatch 'em up.
And I'm gonna keep them.
Yeah, you and what army?
You know what army.
Aw shit man.
Don't tell me them
insane motherfuckers
done got your ass too.
Insane motherfuckers that
popped Daddy Rolling Stone.
(GUN SHOTS)
Shit.
(DEMONIC GASPING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You all going to have to
do better than that Freddy.
Bullshit.
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
Freeze motherfucker.
(GROWLING)
(GUN SHOT)
(GUN SHOTS)
What is that thing?
Take it easy baby.
I got everything under control.
Nine millimeter silver bullets.
Marinated in just the
right kind of voodoo.
But...
Listen up momma,
cause I'm only
gonna say this once,
I work for a very top secret
branch of the government
that exist to do battle
with supernatural,
diabolical occult forces
that most people
don't even know exist.
But?
Now you if you're with that
maybe later on me and
you can get it together,
but right now, I got business.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
(GROWLING)
(GUN SHOTS)
(GASPING)
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Jimmy Chevelle is
Gonna lay it on you
NARRATOR: Most cats
don't even realize
there a serious cosmic
struggle going on
right under their noses.
Unspeakable motherfuckin' evil
that lurks on the
threshold of reality,
waiting for any opportunity
to enslave mankind.
I'm Jimmy Chevelle,
and I carry a badge
for the Department of
Supernatural Security.
It's my job to kick evil's ass.
Nice.
Mind if I put on some music?
Whatever turns you on baby.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Necronomicon Blues.
(FUNKY JAZZ MUSIC)
It was like
someone was pulling
the tail of a cat
that was gargling
a poison milkshake.
Yeah, that crazy jazz
ain't everybody's bag.
But some of the
more far out tracks
are guaranteed to
exercise and vaporize
certain dangerous creatures
from beyond the void.
Jimmy,
I just wanted you to know that
well,
I'm really glad that
you're out there,
you know doing battle against
diabolical, supernatural
occult forces
that most people
don't even know exist.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
You know what you have to do
Now you have to do it
I observed the alleged suspect
as he shape shifted
into some kind
of hideous
motherfuckin' creature,
like a cross between a prehistoric
saber toothed werepossum
and James Brown on PCP.
And then it tried to waste
this seriously foxy chick,
and when I say seriously foxy,
I mean fucking seriously foxy.
This chick had it all together.
I'm talking fine ass,
titties,
and a little bit of extra booty,
like you know I like.
What the fuck is this?
Dammit Chevelle, I thought
I told you to stop using
god damned swear words
in your fucking report.
The shape shifting son
of a bitch had this on.
Damn.
Don't worry Chief,
I'm on the case.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Gentlemen,
we stand on the edge
of a solid gold future.
Beyond the dark
abyss of reality,
in the frozen obscene wastes
between space and time,
there is a gate.
And behind this gate
lurks Mighty Cthulhu,
and his glorious elder brethren,
eternally waiting
to be unleashed
once more upon this
unworthy world.
Indeed, that is not dead
which can eternal lie,
and a given strange eons,
even death may die.
Can you dig it?
Well can you dig it baby?
(FUNKY MUSIC)
What the fuck do you
fools think you're doing?
(FUNKY MUSIC)
I hear you been
asking a lot of people
a lot of questions Jimmy.
Yeah, so.
So.
You got anything
you want to ask me?
I can think of
a couple things.
Such as?
Such as are you still
dealing black market guns?
Next question.
What do you know about this?
Nothing.
See I don't buy that.
You've always been the
most smart and together
happening fox in
this whole town.
I said I don't know
nothing about that Jimmy.
You sure the Maldonado family
isn't mixed up in this shit?
Fuck no.
We ain't got nothing
do to with that
phony supernatural jackass.
Alright, look,
about a month ago,
this freaky dude rolls into town
and talking some jive
ass hocus pocus shit.
At first it was just a joke,
but this guy, shit, Jimmy,
this dude, he's like
a cross between,
between Vincent
Price and Jim Jones.
This is bad Jimmy,
real bad.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
It's real bad Jimmy
JIMMY: You're damn
right it was bad,
it was end of the fucking
world kind of bad.
And it was about to get worse.
It's about to get
real, real, real,
Real bad
In this world
There is evil
And it's coming to
rip out your spine
But there's a line
In the darkness
That killing monsters
Is how you will shine
(FUNKY MUSIC)
His name is Jimmy Chevelle
And he's coming for you
If you're an evil monster
There ain't nothin' you can do
Jimmy Chevelle, good
to see you my man.
What do you know about that?
I don't know shit
about that shit.
Sure you do.
Don't with that baby.
Says who?
Says me.
(SCREAMS)
What do you know
about this shit ugly?
That's for me to know
and you to find out.
You're gonna find out
about my fist in your face
if you don't start
talkin' motherfucker.
Why don't you make me.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
(CRYING)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
Freeze motherfucker.
Oh, oh god.
What the shit is that thing?
Don't worry baby,
I got everything under control.
To turn your back on evil
Is a price you cannot afford
When you've thrown
your shoes at people
Who can pull out
your spinal chord
(SCREAMS)
Now listen up mamma
cause I'm only gonna
lay this on you once,
I work for a very top secret
branch of the government
that exists to do battle
with supernatural,
diabolical occult forces
that most people
don't even know exist.
Now if you're cool with that,
maybe later on you and
me can get it together,
but right now, I got business.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
(SCREAMS)
We are gathered here tonight
as instruments of a
cruel and beautiful fight
for we alone have dared
to seek a terrible truth
the truth of madness,
the truth of chaos,
the truth of cosmic horror,
that drivels and drools greedily
at the bareth
threshold of reality
Ah hell yeah.
We taking control of all
the pussy in Camaroville,
and we about to take
control of all the drugs,
we control all the
pussy and the drugs,
nobody can stop us.
Yeah man, yeah.
But what about
Jimmy Chevelle boss?
Motherfucker ganked
Uncle Poon and Big Len.
Yeah, and I loved Big
Lenny like a brother,
although I can honesty
go either way with Poon,
you know what I'm saying,
he's a nice guy...
Zip it pinhead.
I'm sure that boss
has got a plan.
Indeed.
I've already put in a
call to Danny Tcho Tcho,
and he's prepared to
unleash the Shoggoth.
Gentlemen, I assure you
Jimmy Chevelle is a dead man.
Jimmy is a dead man
(FUNKY MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
I got a bad
feeling about this.
Shit baby you always say that.
Come on, we face some
diabolical supernatural
occult bullshit
like this before,
and we always kick it's ass.
What's wrong Jimmy?
Yeah, you seem a
little uptight baby.
You damn right I'm uptight.
Somewhere out there there is a
diabolical supernatural cult,
I got to figure out
some way to stop it.
Don't worry Jimmy,
I'm sure you'll
think of something.
Damn straight baby,
those diabolical
supernatural occult forces
don't stand a chance.
(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
Be cool foxes.
Shoot it's fucking
face off, Jimmy.
Someone order a pizza?
My bad.
I thought you were
somebody else.
What's the damage?
Say hello to my stinky friend.
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
What the fuck
is wrong with you
bringing a motherfucking
Shoggoth to my pad?
(FUNKY MUSIC)
The jazz baby,
the crazy jazz is the only way
to stop it's
protoplasmic action.
Now you're gonna
get it Jimmy Chevelle.
Mr. Stinky's gonna devour
your sweet chocolate soul.
Side one, track two.
No.
Where do you think
you're going baby?
Get your fucking
hands off of me.
Yeah back off jack off.
Oh, I hate this song.
(FUNKY JAZZ MUSIC)
It sounds like someone's
pulling the tail of a cat
that it's gurgling a
poisonous milkshake.
No, Mr. Stinky, no.
No Mr. Stinky, no.
Listen up chump,
you're gonna tell me
what I want to know,
who put you up to this bullshit?
I ain't saying nothing.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Start talking.
Start dying.
Oh, you're gonna
fucking cut me huh?
You cutting me?
You gonna stab this guy?
(CRYING)
Go on.
Go on, motherfucker stab me.
(CRYING)
They made me do it, Jimmy,
they made me dress up
like a pizza delivery guy
and deliver a pizza
that's really a Shoggoth
sent here to
assassinate you man.
I'm gonna ask
you one more time,
who put you up to this
diabolical bullshit?
They'll kill me man,
worse than kill me,
I'm sworn to silence about this.
So go ahead do your
worst Chevelle,
because there's
nothing that you can do
that would be worse
than what the Knights
of Chaos would do to me
if they found out that I
told you it was them that.
Oh shit.
Goddamn it.
Not only did Danny
Tcho Tcho fail to waste
Jimmy Chevelle, he
spilled his no good
snitch ass guts
about this whole operation.
Very well.
Gentlemen it appears this
situation calls for a rather
desperate measure.
I'm afraid we're gonna
have to call in a favor
from our Fungoid
friends from Ayugof.
Geeze boss, do we have to?
Seems those fuckers
are weird man.
They even freak me out
and I'm a stone
cold super freak.
No, it's fine...
(FUNKY DANCE MUSIC)
After defeating the Shogoff
and interrogating the
evil pizza delivery guy,
I realized I hand in fact
uncovered indisputable
and undeniable evidence
and proof that a
diabolical evil ass cult
is operating in Camaroville.
And if they are
not stopped soon,
the whole city is going
to be totally funked.
Look Jimmy, I appreciate that
you didn't use any swear
words in your report,
but shit, man do you realize
what the fuck this means?
What it means is that these
evil ass diabolical cultists
are the same evil ass
diabolical cultists
that wasted my partner
five years ago.
It also means that you're
off of the case as of now.
Sorry Jimmy, but you're
just too close to it.
Yeah, well so what if I am?
So you're off of the case.
Look Chief, I swore that
if I ever got my hands
on those rat salad sandwich
eating motherfuckers
I would make them pay.
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
Jimmy.
Jimmy.
(SCREAMS)
If I ever catch you
rat salad sandwich eating
motherfuckers,
I'll make you pay.
So if you want to
toss me off the case,
then go right ahead,
but I'm gonna go
after them myself,
and there's nothing
you can do to stop me,
so just stay out of my way baby.
The Knights of Chaos
Came back to enslave us
JIMMY: That's right, the
Knights of Chaos were back,
and these motherfuckers
were the worst of the worst.
They worship the so
called Great Old Ones,
who were super fuckin'
powerful alien beings
that came down from the stars
millions years of ago.
Down from the stars
And this cult of
degenerate sons of bitches
believed that when
the stars were right,
these great old ones
would rise up
and enslave,
I can't believe this
motherfucker...
You've been enslaved
by the jungle juice baby
What the fuck do you
think you're doing fool?
Easy baby, I'm just a
little drunk on the funk.
What does it look like
I'm doing here baby?
Looks like you doing is
getting vomit on my ride sucker.
Be cool baby, be cool.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Don't you know
this neighborhood
can be real dangerous
for the fuzz.
Is that right?
When are you gonna quit
working for the man Jimmy?
When you gonna
quit doing crime?
Get out of here.
I had a dream last night Jimmy.
I dreamed that me and you
it was on a regular
kind of date.
We were at the movies,
you know eating
popcorn and stuff.
The weird thing is,
in this movie,
the spirit of James Brown
was rising from the grave
to deliver vengeance and rath
upon the unfunky.
That's some heavy shit babe.
I gotta cut.
Be careful out there Jimmy.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
It says right here
in the Necronomicon
that the elder sign
is a five pointed star
with the flaming
eye at it's center.
Check this out.
Is that a clue?
It's like an upside
down elder sign.
Okay, no matter what Jimmy
you got to make sure that
these diabolical cult forces
never ever, ever get their
hands on the Necronomicon.
Your damn right.
Those elder sons of bitches
are up to some serious shit.
What are we gonna do Jimmy?
I can think of
a couple things.
(SCREAMS)
What the fuck is
a matter with you?
Huh?
I'm in there trying
to come up with a plan
of how to keep the Earth
from being enslaved
by fucked up creatures
from beyond and shit.
How's a brother
supposed to concentrate
with you out here
screaming like a bitch?
(SCREAMING)
Don't make me beat your ass.
I'm afraid that it is your ass
that is about to get beat,
Jimmy Chevelle.
Fuckin' A right.
Do you even know what
we're gonna do to you?
No, of course you don't
because you're puny
human intellect
can't wrap itself around our
supreme interstellar evil.
(EVIL LAUGHS)
Take it easy baby.
I got everything under control.
I don't think you realize
what you're up against.
These things are...
Listen up momma cause I'm
only gonna say this once,
I work for a very top secret
branch of the government
that exists to do battle
with supernatural,
diabolical occult forces
that most people
don't even know exist.
Now if you're cool with that,
maybe later on you and
me can get it together,
but right now,
I got business.
You two bug ugly chumps
ready for your ass whoopin?
That's pretty tough talk
for an inferior being
that I'm about to make my bitch.
That's right fool,
we're going to
extract your brain
from your scull
and place it in a glass
sculpture at Sportcena,
and ship it back across
the cold abyss of space
to our world.
The mothership
connection motherfucker.
Yeah, and then we are going
to experiment on your mind.
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
Experiment on
this motherfucker.
(GUN SHOT)
(GUN SHOTS)
Silly human,
it's useless to struggle.
Oh shit.
(GUN SHOTS)
The Necronomicon.
At last, all the forbidden
knowledge of the bad era is mine.
The obscene cosmic
secrets of time and space
revealed then stripped naked
for my very eyes.
Naked before my eyes
What's happening Jimmy
You thinkin' bout the past
Promise me, that if
anything happens to me
that you'll take
care of my baby.
Ain't shit gonna
happen to you.
Ain't shit gonna happen to you.
Ain't shit gonna happen to you.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Oh yeah
Hey there
foxy lady
you're looking to purchase,
score some illegal narcotics?
Yeah, you know, dope.
Are you squares for reals?
Yeah baby,
and we're definitely,
totally not the fuzz.
Yeah, yeah.
We're not the fuzz
We're not the fuzz
We're not the fuzz
We're not the fuzz
We're not the fuzz
After rescuing
another stone cold fox
from the evil clutches
of the evil cult.
I took her back
to my pad to meet
my other stone cold foxes.
We made sweet, sweet love
and then I began training
them to be my own personal
super foxy kung fu strike force.
Solid.
God dammit Chevelle,
I thought I fucking
told you to stay away
from this God damned case.
And I told you Chief,
I couldn't do that.
Alright Jimmy,
we'll play it your way for now.
Right on.
Hey Chief, I'm gonna need
some more silver bullets.
Damn it Chevelle,
do you have any idea how
much silver bullets cost.
Probably less
than gold bullets.
Very funny
Chevelle, very funny.
But for your information,
they cost a lot of
fucking money, a lot.
You shot that last
dude nine times,
nine fucking times.
I'm gonna need three,
maybe four more clips.
Look, I can put in
a requisition request
but it's gonna take a few days.
Damn it Chief, I
don't have a few days.
I think you're
gonna like this.
Looks like an ordinary
asthma inhaler,
but it fires a blast of
lethal face melting gas.
What about this?
Looks like a normal phone.
And it functions like
a normal phone too,
and it's packed with
enough explosives
to take out half a city block.
Blammo.
All you got to do is
enter a six digit code,
36, 24,
I can dig it Chief.
And this is my favorite.
A standard department
issued mag light,
but watch.
Right on.
Hold on.
This could be a clue.
This Jimmy Chevelle?
I'm the guy
who is all about the shit
you've been asking
all over town.
Loose lips on a
dirty little snitch
alright I'll keep talking.
Alright, come to the
old and smoke cannery.
Come alone and don't
keep me waiting,
cause I got a lot to say.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Freeze motherfucker.
Easy there,
I'm the guy that phoned you.
You know, on the phone.
That's right.
I know all about the shit
you been asking all
over town about.
I know a lot of shit
about a lot of shit.
Dig it.
It all started the night
Daddy Rolling Stone died.
Now as everybody knows,
Daddy Rolling Stone
was a deadly serious stone
cold mack of legendary status.
And I was his bodyguard,
personal assistant,
and righteous right
hand motherfuck.
Gentlemen,
I'm sure you're wondering
why I called you
here this evening.
Shit yeah we're wondering,
we're hella wondering, man.
Shut the fuck up.
You are here
because you control
the major sources
of prostitution
in east Camaroville.
And from now on,
you'll be working for me.
Like hell I will.
The fuck make think you
just roll up in town
and take over my shit?
I'm glad you asked.
You see we've spent
the last five years
waiting for the moment
when the stars would be right.
And also completely renovating
and redecorating our lair.
And now, the moment
of our unholy destiny
is at the threshold.
Check it out.
Check it out
Oh yeah baby
Soon, her transformation
will be complete.
Soon, her destiny
will be fulfilled.
Soon, she will be born again
as the bride of Cthulhu.
Born again
Bride of Cthulhu
Is that right?
Well I don't make deals with
devil worshiping motherfuckers.
And I sure don't make deals with
devil worshiping motherfuckers
that's crazy motherfuckers.
Even if I did make deals with
devil worshiping motherfuckers
that's crazy motherfuckers,
I wouldn't fuck with your ass.
You motherfuckers
creep me the fuck out.
(GUN SHOTS)
(LAUGHTER)
It seems we have an
opportunity available.
How would you feel
about being in charge
of our prostitution operations
on the east side?
Yeah, yeah (LAUGHS)
Far out man.
Yeah, let's get
down to business.
First there is a small matter
of your initiation.
Maybe I can dig,
you want me to prove
my loyalty and shit,
yeah, you want me to go out
and shank some motherfucker,
maybe maybe.
The initiation rites of
the esoteric Knights of Chaos
have been passed down in secrecy
through the centuries.
Right on man,
yeah, whatever you, just,
what do I got to do?
You are to disrobe
and recline in a casket,
and then at the
stroke of midnight,
the rest of us gather
and spill our seed on you.
You want me to
get buck ass naked
in a fucking coffin
while you guys jack off on me?
You know what I just realized
I got some very serious
pimping business
to attend to, so,
I gotta go.
That's when I hauled
ass out of there
and I been on the
run ever since.
Man I been hounded
by unstoppable,
diabolical forces that
want to jack off on me.
And nothing can stop them Jimmy.
Nothing can stop them.
Sounds like you got
a serious problem.
You don't understand man,
the whole city's got
a serious problem.
Man these perverts already see
is who holds the ball of
poonanny in this town,
and after tonight,
they gonna control the
goddamned dope market too.
Nice story.
I wonder how much of it is true.
Who the fuck?
You been following me?
Who are you?
What the hell are
you doing here huh?
Why the fuck you been
following me, huh?
Huh, why the fuck
you following me?
You better start giving
me some answers bitch,
or I will...
Oh god.
How do you like that answer?
Or that one?
Maybe you were
wondering about this.
Now,
got any more questions
for me, bitch?
No, I think I'm
good on questions.
Man you're lucky
she didn't cut you.
(LOUD GROWLING)
What the shit was that?
Oh man, probably some
of them unstoppable,
diabolical forces that
have been hounding me.
Don't let them jack
off on me Jimmy.
Well, well, well,
what do we have here?
The fuzz, the snitch,
and the Maldonado bitch.
Looks like I'm gonna take care
of three problems at once.
Get out of here
you creepy fuck.
What if I don't want to?
(LOUD ALIEN MOANING)
Is that the sound of what
I think that's the sound of?
That's right Jon,
that's the motherfuckin hound
of the motherfuckin Tinelos.
(SCREAMS)
(GROWLING)
(GUN SHOTS)
(YELLS)
(SCREAMS)
(GARGLED CRIES)
(WHIMPERS)
(ALIEN MOANS)
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
Jimmy, Jimmy.
Jimmy, oh god.
Got to stop them man.
Oh shit man,
like a
unstoppable, unspeakable,
demon goddesses
is gonna devour the souls
of every motherfucker
in Camaroville.
You got to stop them,
Jimmy.
And Jimmy,
thanks man.
Thanks for not letting
them jack off on me.
(FUNKY CONSPICUOUS MUSIC)
You got the stuff?
Yeah we got the stuff.
Where's the bread?
Yeah.
50 large.
Five keys,
uncut black lotus opium.
Freeze motherfuckers!
Whoa there,
take it easy homie.
Yeah, be chill dog.
Yeah, super chill.
(MACHINE GUN FIRE)
(GUN SHOTS)
Shit baby, why you got
to be so cold blooded?
I'm getting real tired
of your stupid face amigo.
I'm not your amigo chump.
Who you calling chump fool?
I'm calling you
a chump, chump.
And after I kick your chump ass,
I'm gonna put a stop to
your whole chump ass cult.
How you like the sound of that?
Chump.
(GUN SHOT)
(LAUGHTER)
Well I don't know
but how you like the
sound of this hesse?
Oh smooth song.
Oh it sounds good right.
Oh I hate this
new hip hop music.
Turn it up.
Uh oh, you in trouble now.
Shit baby, that
ain't no normal beat.
That's some backwards chanting,
monster summoning bullshit.
What?
(YELLS)
(GUN SHOTS)
Whoa, whoa, whoa amigo.
Check it out.
The girl in the leather,
watch as she's
getting fucked up now.
How you like that.
You like that shit?
(GUN SHOTS)
(GUN SHOTS)
(SCREAMS)
(GUN SHOTS)
Get your fuckin hands
where I can see them
and don't make any sudden moves.
Yeah.
Whoa, easy now.
You don't know who
you're dealing with.
I work for a very top secret
branch of the government
that exists to do battle
with supernatural,
diabolical occult forces
that most people
don't even know exist.
So do we.
Dammit Jimmy.
Do you even care how
badly you fucked up?
Do you realize that
Detectives Riggs and Manatucci
have been involved in an
ongoing, undercover investigation
for the last nine months.
I didn't want to have to do this
but you've given
me no choice Jimmy.
Give me your badge and gun.
Hold it there Chief.
We need him on this case.
Five years ago,
you and your partner
stamped out this cult
of degenerate psychopaths
dedicated to the great old ones
who lived ages before mankind.
That's right.
Why don't you tell me
something I don't already know.
Like I don't know,
why are you two dealing
black lotus opium
to dangerous cultists?
Because smart guy,
we were undercover.
Duh.
Well thanks for
clearing that up.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I've got some real work to do.
Agent Chevelle,
you've dealt with
these fuckers before,
you have first hand experience
of what we're dealing with.
We need you man.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, I don't
work with chumps.
God dammit Chevelle,
you play ball here
or you're out of
the fucking game.
You know what Chief,
I told you I was gonna
do things my way,
the Jimmy Chevelle way.
So just stay out of my way baby.
Jimmy quit the police
Gonna do things his way
(DEMONIC CHANTING)
Freeze motherfuckers!
Well, we've been
anticipating your arrival.
Yeah, well I hope
you've been anticipating
this stone cold ass beating
I'm about to lay
down on you sucker.
(GUN SHOTS)
(LAUGHTER)
You my friend
are a fleeting annoyance
will be brushed
aside and forgotten.
However you my dear
are another matter entirely.
Indeed your destiny...
As I was saying, your destiny
is much more interesting.
And it begins with a baptism
in the Eldredge flames of mass.
(SCREAMS)
Jimmy.
Jimmy, help me.
Help me Jimmy.
(EVIL LAUGH)
Help me Jimmy.
Jimmy.
Jimmy I can feel it,
it's eating my soul.
(SCREAMS)
What's your next move Jimmy
What's it gonna be
JIMMY: I wasn't sure what
my next move was gonna be.
But I had a feeling
it was gonna involve
a super foxy chick
with access to an ass load
of black market firearms
and explosives.
But look,
it's really simple,
you either have my guns
or you don't have
my fucking guns,
comprende?
You want me,
we should go over there?
What do you think genius?
Just the chick
I was looking for.
What say you and me
get down to business.
And when I say business,
what I really mean is pleasure.
Don't jive me sucker.
We both know that you
and I can't get together
as long as I'm a criminal
and you're a cop.
I ain't a cop no more,
cause I quit being a cop.
Right on.
I was wondering
when you was gonna
wise up.
I need a favor baby.
Gentlemen,
as you know, we
have taken control
of the major sources of marijuana
coming into Camaroville.
And with just a few grains
of this black lotus opium,
that ordinary reefer
is transformed into
a potent psychotropic
that not only effects the
central nervous system,
it permanently alters
brain function.
I call this powerful new blend
the Necronomichronic.
Necronomichronic baby
And even now it is
being distributed
throughout the city
where it will not only
speed the metamorphosis
of the masses,
but prepare them
to be enslaved by
the great old ones.
Can you dig it?
Well, can you dig it?
Yeah, sure boss,
but does this Necronomichronic
still get you high
like regular weed?
Oh I should say so.
It will get you high
Like regular weed will
Nobody fucking move,
you're all under arrest.
That's right mister,
your days of trying to
enslave the Earth are over.
Yeah, we're bringing your
crumby asses to justice.
Oh yes, the forces of justice.
How good of you to join us.
Indeed this saves me the trouble
of having to send for you.
You want me to
stab her now boss?
Not yet.
She can still be of further use.
Gonna turn that woman
The chief of police,
Into a dope smoker
To make her work for me
You evil son of a bitch,
you ain't gonna turn me into
a goddamned dope smoker.
Oh, I'm afraid I must insist.
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
Far out.
Hi daddy.
What the hell are you
doing bring a cop in here?
This is my night off sweetheart.
And you know damn well
on daddy's night off he likes to
enjoy some amateur strippers
and not be hassled by the fuzz.
But daddy he's
not a cop anymore.
That's right.
I'm not a cop no more.
Cause I quit being a cop.
Please daddy.
Alright, alright, alright,
let's hear what he has to say.
Dig it.
We both know that
there's some diabolical,
occult basters out there
that have taken
over Camaroville.
Now sooner or later,
you're either gonna be forced
to join up with these guys,
or get out of business.
Maybe,
just maybe.
What's your point?
My point is
I can deal with them,
but I need some help.
So just speaking
hypothetically,
if I was gonna give
you a little help,
what are you looking for?
I'm thinking maybe 200
pounds of plastic explosives
will do the trick.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, we can do that.
Why don't you come around
early tomorrow morning,
we'll make it happen.
I need this shit tonight.
Alright, alright.
Grouch, take Taco
Donnie on my car,
go get the shit
and bring it back.
No, no, no, that won't work.
Why not boss?
Because we took a
fucking cab here genius.
Listen, listen,
why don't you and
Taco Donnie take
his car and go get the
shit and bring it back.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Neither one of these
clowns is driving my car.
I'll drive.
No.
No way.
No way.
I don't want the fuzz,
or the ex fuzz to know
where my stash is.
And I'm not letting
those idiots drive my car.
So we're gonna have to figure
something else out here, okay.
I have an idea.
This is some pretty
fucked up shit,
you know that right.
I don't see what
the big deal is.
Everything is going to be fine.
Oh it better be.
You be super fuckin'
careful you hear me.
Don't worry.
And don't be
fuckin' with my radio.
Right here baby.
(SCREAMS)
Look out boss.
(LAUGHTER)
(SCREAMS)
Do something.
Get out of my way
you son of a bitch.
(SCREAMS)
Take 'em out boy,
acid shooting titties.
Who would have figured.
Drop the weapon Chevelle.
Fuck you Chief.
You're not the
chief of me no more.
(GUN SHOTS)
The old ones were,
the old ones are,
and the old ones shall be.
We who speed their return
shall be blessed
with divine madness,
while the rest of you
shall be as dancing whores
existing only to
amuse your masters.
Amuse?
I'm gonna be real
fucking amusing.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Shit.
How 'bout that?
Was that amusing enough for you.
You're too late.
When the great
old ones get back,
you are gonna be sorry Jimmy.
Shut up.
Give me back my badge
you headless bitch.
And so once again we
meet Jimmy Chevelle.
Once again you dare
stand in the way of my
unholy destiny.
And once again, you will fail.
The stars are right.
The time is now.
Nothing can stop us.
(SCREAMS)
You thought I
died in the fire.
But you were wrong.
I was reborn.
No.
No.
We're supposed to
do battle against
supernatural,
diabolical occult forces
that most people
don't even know exist.
We were wrong.
Humanity is nothing but
an insignificant speck
in the eyes of the
great old ones.
We were partners.
And we can be again Jimmy.
But.
Join us Jimmy.
No.
I got to keep doing battle
against supernatural
diabolical occult forces
most people don't
even know exist.
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
Jimmy
Your ex is evil
You shouldn't get with
those kinds of people
The old ones were,
the old ones are,
and the old ones shall be.
Not in places we know,
but between them.
The walk serene and primal
undimensioned,
and to us unseen.
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
Behold the bride of Cthulhu.
Freeze motherfuckers.
Solid.
Take it easy baby.
We got everything under control.
That's right we're
a foxy strike force
of deadly foxes
dedicated to doing battle
with supernatural
diabolical occult forces
that most people
don't even know exist.
And if you're cool with that,
then maybe later we
could get together.
Right now,
we got business.
(GUN SHOTS)
(GUN SHOTS)
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
Just try and hold it off.
I got something that
will stop it for good.
You cannot stop
my unstoppable,
unholy destiny Jimmy Chevelle.
See that's where
you're wrong sucker.
Cause I got enough
explosives in here
to level a city block.
And now your soul will feed
the insatiable appetite
of the bride of Cthulhu.
(SCREAMS)
I'd like to stick around baby,
but I don't dig getting blown up
into a million and fuck pieces.
36,
24,
(PHONE RINGS)
That's right,
that's what you get when you
fuck with Jimmy Chevelle.
You get your diabolical
ass blown the fuck up.
PHONE: We are sorry, the
six digit code you entered
has too much booty,
please try again.
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
(ROARS)
(SCREAMS)
(ROARS)
We gotta get the
fuck out of here baby.
What we gotta do is
stop that monster bitch.
You crazy baby,
that is one unstoppable,
undefeatable
juggernaut of
unholy destruction.
I have about 250 pounds
of plastic explosives
packed in the trunk of your car,
and the back seat is
full of napalm canisters.
(SCREAMS)
You think you gonna
make a slave of the world,
I'll see you in hell first.
(MONSTER SCREAMS)
What the hell is it Jimmy?
It's one of the
great old ones,
an ancient extraterrestrial
abomination
from beyond space and time.
Terrible herald of infinite
madness and unimaginable horror,
a sanity shattering bringer of
limitless gibbering
Cyclopean chaos.
Shit baby,
that's the Bride of Cthulhu
and I just kicked it's ass.
When I'm in the jungle
he is my best friend
Shaggy Elephant
Shaggy Elephant
When I need someone, I
know that I can depend on
Shaggy Elephant
Shaggy Elephant
When you're feeling down climb
on his back and ride around
Shaggy Elephant
Shaggy Elephant
When you're in a funk
he'll stomp his feet
and wave his trunk
Because he's Shaggy Elephant
Shaggy Elephant
Shaggy
I love you
Shaggy Elephant I love you
Shaggy Elephant
I love you baby
Come on
Shaggy Elephant
you came around
Movin' to a grove
and it shook the ground
Now we can't stop
movin' to that sound
Thank Shaggy Elephant
For showin' us
how to get down.
Shaggy Elephant
you came around
Movin' to a grove
and it shook the ground
Now we can't stop
movin' to that sound
Thank you Shaggy Elephant
For showin' us how to get down
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Standing in the
ally of Camaroville
waitin' for my woman
with those dollar bills
(SCREAMS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Hey Freddy.
Shit.
Baby, don't ever sneak up
on a brother like that.
I almost just shot
your fuckin' face off.
Do you even realize
you almost just got
your fucking face shot off?
Take it easy Freddy.
Oh, now good, you got it.
It's a whole lot of freaky shit
going down these days, okay.
That's what I'm talking about.
Shit, you lucky that
a motherfucker like me
looking out for your ass.
If it wasn't for me,
you'd still be down there
doing the hoochie
coochie on Mooch Street,
for top ramen money.
Fucker.
Now don't think I won't
send your motherfuckin' ass
back there too,
shit.
Where the rest of it?
Shit Freddy, you
say that every night.
Seriously.
No matter how much
fucking money I hand you,
you still say it's not enough.
That's because you aught
to be making more money.
Fuck you Freddy.
I mean it.
I been hustling for you
for almost nine months.
It's time you start
showing me some respect.
Respect, hmm?
Showing you some respect.
Start showing you a little
bit of motherfuckin' respect.
Maybe you right.
And maybe we need to
have a little talk
about supply and demand.
See the way it works is
you supply the pussy,
and I demand the money.
Understand me?
I'm tired of having the same
old bullshit talk with you.
Fuck around here with my time.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Ah shit.
Uncle Poon.
Don't ever sneak up on
a brother like that man.
Freddy.
You know I always liked you.
I always try to look after you.
Yeah, well you know we always
been tight and shit, right.
Yeah, that's right Freddy.
That's why it breaks my heart
to see you fuck it up so badly.
What you, what you
talkin' 'bout Uncle Poon?
I'm talking about Freddy,
is that if you keep
selling your girls
on my side of the street,
I'm gonna snatch 'em up.
And I'm gonna keep them.
Yeah, you and what army?
You know what army.
Aw shit man.
Don't tell me them
insane motherfuckers
done got your ass too.
Insane motherfuckers that
popped Daddy Rolling Stone.
(GUN SHOTS)
Shit.
(DEMONIC GASPING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You all going to have to
do better than that Freddy.
Bullshit.
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
Freeze motherfucker.
(GROWLING)
(GUN SHOT)
(GUN SHOTS)
What is that thing?
Take it easy baby.
I got everything under control.
Nine millimeter silver bullets.
Marinated in just the
right kind of voodoo.
But...
Listen up momma,
cause I'm only
gonna say this once,
I work for a very top secret
branch of the government
that exist to do battle
with supernatural,
diabolical occult forces
that most people
don't even know exist.
But?
Now you if you're with that
maybe later on me and
you can get it together,
but right now, I got business.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
(GROWLING)
(GUN SHOTS)
(GASPING)
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Jimmy Chevelle is
Gonna lay it on you
NARRATOR: Most cats
don't even realize
there a serious cosmic
struggle going on
right under their noses.
Unspeakable motherfuckin' evil
that lurks on the
threshold of reality,
waiting for any opportunity
to enslave mankind.
I'm Jimmy Chevelle,
and I carry a badge
for the Department of
Supernatural Security.
It's my job to kick evil's ass.
Nice.
Mind if I put on some music?
Whatever turns you on baby.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Necronomicon Blues.
(FUNKY JAZZ MUSIC)
It was like
someone was pulling
the tail of a cat
that was gargling
a poison milkshake.
Yeah, that crazy jazz
ain't everybody's bag.
But some of the
more far out tracks
are guaranteed to
exercise and vaporize
certain dangerous creatures
from beyond the void.
Jimmy,
I just wanted you to know that
well,
I'm really glad that
you're out there,
you know doing battle against
diabolical, supernatural
occult forces
that most people
don't even know exist.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
You know what you have to do
Now you have to do it
I observed the alleged suspect
as he shape shifted
into some kind
of hideous
motherfuckin' creature,
like a cross between a prehistoric
saber toothed werepossum
and James Brown on PCP.
And then it tried to waste
this seriously foxy chick,
and when I say seriously foxy,
I mean fucking seriously foxy.
This chick had it all together.
I'm talking fine ass,
titties,
and a little bit of extra booty,
like you know I like.
What the fuck is this?
Dammit Chevelle, I thought
I told you to stop using
god damned swear words
in your fucking report.
The shape shifting son
of a bitch had this on.
Damn.
Don't worry Chief,
I'm on the case.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Gentlemen,
we stand on the edge
of a solid gold future.
Beyond the dark
abyss of reality,
in the frozen obscene wastes
between space and time,
there is a gate.
And behind this gate
lurks Mighty Cthulhu,
and his glorious elder brethren,
eternally waiting
to be unleashed
once more upon this
unworthy world.
Indeed, that is not dead
which can eternal lie,
and a given strange eons,
even death may die.
Can you dig it?
Well can you dig it baby?
(FUNKY MUSIC)
What the fuck do you
fools think you're doing?
(FUNKY MUSIC)
I hear you been
asking a lot of people
a lot of questions Jimmy.
Yeah, so.
So.
You got anything
you want to ask me?
I can think of
a couple things.
Such as?
Such as are you still
dealing black market guns?
Next question.
What do you know about this?
Nothing.
See I don't buy that.
You've always been the
most smart and together
happening fox in
this whole town.
I said I don't know
nothing about that Jimmy.
You sure the Maldonado family
isn't mixed up in this shit?
Fuck no.
We ain't got nothing
do to with that
phony supernatural jackass.
Alright, look,
about a month ago,
this freaky dude rolls into town
and talking some jive
ass hocus pocus shit.
At first it was just a joke,
but this guy, shit, Jimmy,
this dude, he's like
a cross between,
between Vincent
Price and Jim Jones.
This is bad Jimmy,
real bad.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
It's real bad Jimmy
JIMMY: You're damn
right it was bad,
it was end of the fucking
world kind of bad.
And it was about to get worse.
It's about to get
real, real, real,
Real bad
In this world
There is evil
And it's coming to
rip out your spine
But there's a line
In the darkness
That killing monsters
Is how you will shine
(FUNKY MUSIC)
His name is Jimmy Chevelle
And he's coming for you
If you're an evil monster
There ain't nothin' you can do
Jimmy Chevelle, good
to see you my man.
What do you know about that?
I don't know shit
about that shit.
Sure you do.
Don't with that baby.
Says who?
Says me.
(SCREAMS)
What do you know
about this shit ugly?
That's for me to know
and you to find out.
You're gonna find out
about my fist in your face
if you don't start
talkin' motherfucker.
Why don't you make me.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
(CRYING)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
Freeze motherfucker.
Oh, oh god.
What the shit is that thing?
Don't worry baby,
I got everything under control.
To turn your back on evil
Is a price you cannot afford
When you've thrown
your shoes at people
Who can pull out
your spinal chord
(SCREAMS)
Now listen up mamma
cause I'm only gonna
lay this on you once,
I work for a very top secret
branch of the government
that exists to do battle
with supernatural,
diabolical occult forces
that most people
don't even know exist.
Now if you're cool with that,
maybe later on you and
me can get it together,
but right now, I got business.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
(SCREAMS)
We are gathered here tonight
as instruments of a
cruel and beautiful fight
for we alone have dared
to seek a terrible truth
the truth of madness,
the truth of chaos,
the truth of cosmic horror,
that drivels and drools greedily
at the bareth
threshold of reality
Ah hell yeah.
We taking control of all
the pussy in Camaroville,
and we about to take
control of all the drugs,
we control all the
pussy and the drugs,
nobody can stop us.
Yeah man, yeah.
But what about
Jimmy Chevelle boss?
Motherfucker ganked
Uncle Poon and Big Len.
Yeah, and I loved Big
Lenny like a brother,
although I can honesty
go either way with Poon,
you know what I'm saying,
he's a nice guy...
Zip it pinhead.
I'm sure that boss
has got a plan.
Indeed.
I've already put in a
call to Danny Tcho Tcho,
and he's prepared to
unleash the Shoggoth.
Gentlemen, I assure you
Jimmy Chevelle is a dead man.
Jimmy is a dead man
(FUNKY MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
I got a bad
feeling about this.
Shit baby you always say that.
Come on, we face some
diabolical supernatural
occult bullshit
like this before,
and we always kick it's ass.
What's wrong Jimmy?
Yeah, you seem a
little uptight baby.
You damn right I'm uptight.
Somewhere out there there is a
diabolical supernatural cult,
I got to figure out
some way to stop it.
Don't worry Jimmy,
I'm sure you'll
think of something.
Damn straight baby,
those diabolical
supernatural occult forces
don't stand a chance.
(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
Be cool foxes.
Shoot it's fucking
face off, Jimmy.
Someone order a pizza?
My bad.
I thought you were
somebody else.
What's the damage?
Say hello to my stinky friend.
(MANIACAL LAUGH)
What the fuck
is wrong with you
bringing a motherfucking
Shoggoth to my pad?
(FUNKY MUSIC)
The jazz baby,
the crazy jazz is the only way
to stop it's
protoplasmic action.
Now you're gonna
get it Jimmy Chevelle.
Mr. Stinky's gonna devour
your sweet chocolate soul.
Side one, track two.
No.
Where do you think
you're going baby?
Get your fucking
hands off of me.
Yeah back off jack off.
Oh, I hate this song.
(FUNKY JAZZ MUSIC)
It sounds like someone's
pulling the tail of a cat
that it's gurgling a
poisonous milkshake.
No, Mr. Stinky, no.
No Mr. Stinky, no.
Listen up chump,
you're gonna tell me
what I want to know,
who put you up to this bullshit?
I ain't saying nothing.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Start talking.
Start dying.
Oh, you're gonna
fucking cut me huh?
You cutting me?
You gonna stab this guy?
(CRYING)
Go on.
Go on, motherfucker stab me.
(CRYING)
They made me do it, Jimmy,
they made me dress up
like a pizza delivery guy
and deliver a pizza
that's really a Shoggoth
sent here to
assassinate you man.
I'm gonna ask
you one more time,
who put you up to this
diabolical bullshit?
They'll kill me man,
worse than kill me,
I'm sworn to silence about this.
So go ahead do your
worst Chevelle,
because there's
nothing that you can do
that would be worse
than what the Knights
of Chaos would do to me
if they found out that I
told you it was them that.
Oh shit.
Goddamn it.
Not only did Danny
Tcho Tcho fail to waste
Jimmy Chevelle, he
spilled his no good
snitch ass guts
about this whole operation.
Very well.
Gentlemen it appears this
situation calls for a rather
desperate measure.
I'm afraid we're gonna
have to call in a favor
from our Fungoid
friends from Ayugof.
Geeze boss, do we have to?
Seems those fuckers
are weird man.
They even freak me out
and I'm a stone
cold super freak.
No, it's fine...
(FUNKY DANCE MUSIC)
After defeating the Shogoff
and interrogating the
evil pizza delivery guy,
I realized I hand in fact
uncovered indisputable
and undeniable evidence
and proof that a
diabolical evil ass cult
is operating in Camaroville.
And if they are
not stopped soon,
the whole city is going
to be totally funked.
Look Jimmy, I appreciate that
you didn't use any swear
words in your report,
but shit, man do you realize
what the fuck this means?
What it means is that these
evil ass diabolical cultists
are the same evil ass
diabolical cultists
that wasted my partner
five years ago.
It also means that you're
off of the case as of now.
Sorry Jimmy, but you're
just too close to it.
Yeah, well so what if I am?
So you're off of the case.
Look Chief, I swore that
if I ever got my hands
on those rat salad sandwich
eating motherfuckers
I would make them pay.
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
Jimmy.
Jimmy.
(SCREAMS)
If I ever catch you
rat salad sandwich eating
motherfuckers,
I'll make you pay.
So if you want to
toss me off the case,
then go right ahead,
but I'm gonna go
after them myself,
and there's nothing
you can do to stop me,
so just stay out of my way baby.
The Knights of Chaos
Came back to enslave us
JIMMY: That's right, the
Knights of Chaos were back,
and these motherfuckers
were the worst of the worst.
They worship the so
called Great Old Ones,
who were super fuckin'
powerful alien beings
that came down from the stars
millions years of ago.
Down from the stars
And this cult of
degenerate sons of bitches
believed that when
the stars were right,
these great old ones
would rise up
and enslave,
I can't believe this
motherfucker...
You've been enslaved
by the jungle juice baby
What the fuck do you
think you're doing fool?
Easy baby, I'm just a
little drunk on the funk.
What does it look like
I'm doing here baby?
Looks like you doing is
getting vomit on my ride sucker.
Be cool baby, be cool.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Don't you know
this neighborhood
can be real dangerous
for the fuzz.
Is that right?
When are you gonna quit
working for the man Jimmy?
When you gonna
quit doing crime?
Get out of here.
I had a dream last night Jimmy.
I dreamed that me and you
it was on a regular
kind of date.
We were at the movies,
you know eating
popcorn and stuff.
The weird thing is,
in this movie,
the spirit of James Brown
was rising from the grave
to deliver vengeance and rath
upon the unfunky.
That's some heavy shit babe.
I gotta cut.
Be careful out there Jimmy.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
It says right here
in the Necronomicon
that the elder sign
is a five pointed star
with the flaming
eye at it's center.
Check this out.
Is that a clue?
It's like an upside
down elder sign.
Okay, no matter what Jimmy
you got to make sure that
these diabolical cult forces
never ever, ever get their
hands on the Necronomicon.
Your damn right.
Those elder sons of bitches
are up to some serious shit.
What are we gonna do Jimmy?
I can think of
a couple things.
(SCREAMS)
What the fuck is
a matter with you?
Huh?
I'm in there trying
to come up with a plan
of how to keep the Earth
from being enslaved
by fucked up creatures
from beyond and shit.
How's a brother
supposed to concentrate
with you out here
screaming like a bitch?
(SCREAMING)
Don't make me beat your ass.
I'm afraid that it is your ass
that is about to get beat,
Jimmy Chevelle.
Fuckin' A right.
Do you even know what
we're gonna do to you?
No, of course you don't
because you're puny
human intellect
can't wrap itself around our
supreme interstellar evil.
(EVIL LAUGHS)
Take it easy baby.
I got everything under control.
I don't think you realize
what you're up against.
These things are...
Listen up momma cause I'm
only gonna say this once,
I work for a very top secret
branch of the government
that exists to do battle
with supernatural,
diabolical occult forces
that most people
don't even know exist.
Now if you're cool with that,
maybe later on you and
me can get it together,
but right now,
I got business.
You two bug ugly chumps
ready for your ass whoopin?
That's pretty tough talk
for an inferior being
that I'm about to make my bitch.
That's right fool,
we're going to
extract your brain
from your scull
and place it in a glass
sculpture at Sportcena,
and ship it back across
the cold abyss of space
to our world.
The mothership
connection motherfucker.
Yeah, and then we are going
to experiment on your mind.
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
Experiment on
this motherfucker.
(GUN SHOT)
(GUN SHOTS)
Silly human,
it's useless to struggle.
Oh shit.
(GUN SHOTS)
The Necronomicon.
At last, all the forbidden
knowledge of the bad era is mine.
The obscene cosmic
secrets of time and space
revealed then stripped naked
for my very eyes.
Naked before my eyes
What's happening Jimmy
You thinkin' bout the past
Promise me, that if
anything happens to me
that you'll take
care of my baby.
Ain't shit gonna
happen to you.
Ain't shit gonna happen to you.
Ain't shit gonna happen to you.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Oh yeah
Hey there
foxy lady
you're looking to purchase,
score some illegal narcotics?
Yeah, you know, dope.
Are you squares for reals?
Yeah baby,
and we're definitely,
totally not the fuzz.
Yeah, yeah.
We're not the fuzz
We're not the fuzz
We're not the fuzz
We're not the fuzz
We're not the fuzz
After rescuing
another stone cold fox
from the evil clutches
of the evil cult.
I took her back
to my pad to meet
my other stone cold foxes.
We made sweet, sweet love
and then I began training
them to be my own personal
super foxy kung fu strike force.
Solid.
God dammit Chevelle,
I thought I fucking
told you to stay away
from this God damned case.
And I told you Chief,
I couldn't do that.
Alright Jimmy,
we'll play it your way for now.
Right on.
Hey Chief, I'm gonna need
some more silver bullets.
Damn it Chevelle,
do you have any idea how
much silver bullets cost.
Probably less
than gold bullets.
Very funny
Chevelle, very funny.
But for your information,
they cost a lot of
fucking money, a lot.
You shot that last
dude nine times,
nine fucking times.
I'm gonna need three,
maybe four more clips.
Look, I can put in
a requisition request
but it's gonna take a few days.
Damn it Chief, I
don't have a few days.
I think you're
gonna like this.
Looks like an ordinary
asthma inhaler,
but it fires a blast of
lethal face melting gas.
What about this?
Looks like a normal phone.
And it functions like
a normal phone too,
and it's packed with
enough explosives
to take out half a city block.
Blammo.
All you got to do is
enter a six digit code,
36, 24,
I can dig it Chief.
And this is my favorite.
A standard department
issued mag light,
but watch.
Right on.
Hold on.
This could be a clue.
This Jimmy Chevelle?
I'm the guy
who is all about the shit
you've been asking
all over town.
Loose lips on a
dirty little snitch
alright I'll keep talking.
Alright, come to the
old and smoke cannery.
Come alone and don't
keep me waiting,
cause I got a lot to say.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Freeze motherfucker.
Easy there,
I'm the guy that phoned you.
You know, on the phone.
That's right.
I know all about the shit
you been asking all
over town about.
I know a lot of shit
about a lot of shit.
Dig it.
It all started the night
Daddy Rolling Stone died.
Now as everybody knows,
Daddy Rolling Stone
was a deadly serious stone
cold mack of legendary status.
And I was his bodyguard,
personal assistant,
and righteous right
hand motherfuck.
Gentlemen,
I'm sure you're wondering
why I called you
here this evening.
Shit yeah we're wondering,
we're hella wondering, man.
Shut the fuck up.
You are here
because you control
the major sources
of prostitution
in east Camaroville.
And from now on,
you'll be working for me.
Like hell I will.
The fuck make think you
just roll up in town
and take over my shit?
I'm glad you asked.
You see we've spent
the last five years
waiting for the moment
when the stars would be right.
And also completely renovating
and redecorating our lair.
And now, the moment
of our unholy destiny
is at the threshold.
Check it out.
Check it out
Oh yeah baby
Soon, her transformation
will be complete.
Soon, her destiny
will be fulfilled.
Soon, she will be born again
as the bride of Cthulhu.
Born again
Bride of Cthulhu
Is that right?
Well I don't make deals with
devil worshiping motherfuckers.
And I sure don't make deals with
devil worshiping motherfuckers
that's crazy motherfuckers.
Even if I did make deals with
devil worshiping motherfuckers
that's crazy motherfuckers,
I wouldn't fuck with your ass.
You motherfuckers
creep me the fuck out.
(GUN SHOTS)
(LAUGHTER)
It seems we have an
opportunity available.
How would you feel
about being in charge
of our prostitution operations
on the east side?
Yeah, yeah (LAUGHS)
Far out man.
Yeah, let's get
down to business.
First there is a small matter
of your initiation.
Maybe I can dig,
you want me to prove
my loyalty and shit,
yeah, you want me to go out
and shank some motherfucker,
maybe maybe.
The initiation rites of
the esoteric Knights of Chaos
have been passed down in secrecy
through the centuries.
Right on man,
yeah, whatever you, just,
what do I got to do?
You are to disrobe
and recline in a casket,
and then at the
stroke of midnight,
the rest of us gather
and spill our seed on you.
You want me to
get buck ass naked
in a fucking coffin
while you guys jack off on me?
You know what I just realized
I got some very serious
pimping business
to attend to, so,
I gotta go.
That's when I hauled
ass out of there
and I been on the
run ever since.
Man I been hounded
by unstoppable,
diabolical forces that
want to jack off on me.
And nothing can stop them Jimmy.
Nothing can stop them.
Sounds like you got
a serious problem.
You don't understand man,
the whole city's got
a serious problem.
Man these perverts already see
is who holds the ball of
poonanny in this town,
and after tonight,
they gonna control the
goddamned dope market too.
Nice story.
I wonder how much of it is true.
Who the fuck?
You been following me?
Who are you?
What the hell are
you doing here huh?
Why the fuck you been
following me, huh?
Huh, why the fuck
you following me?
You better start giving
me some answers bitch,
or I will...
Oh god.
How do you like that answer?
Or that one?
Maybe you were
wondering about this.
Now,
got any more questions
for me, bitch?
No, I think I'm
good on questions.
Man you're lucky
she didn't cut you.
(LOUD GROWLING)
What the shit was that?
Oh man, probably some
of them unstoppable,
diabolical forces that
have been hounding me.
Don't let them jack
off on me Jimmy.
Well, well, well,
what do we have here?
The fuzz, the snitch,
and the Maldonado bitch.
Looks like I'm gonna take care
of three problems at once.
Get out of here
you creepy fuck.
What if I don't want to?
(LOUD ALIEN MOANING)
Is that the sound of what
I think that's the sound of?
That's right Jon,
that's the motherfuckin hound
of the motherfuckin Tinelos.
(SCREAMS)
(GROWLING)
(GUN SHOTS)
(YELLS)
(SCREAMS)
(GARGLED CRIES)
(WHIMPERS)
(ALIEN MOANS)
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
Jimmy, Jimmy.
Jimmy, oh god.
Got to stop them man.
Oh shit man,
like a
unstoppable, unspeakable,
demon goddesses
is gonna devour the souls
of every motherfucker
in Camaroville.
You got to stop them,
Jimmy.
And Jimmy,
thanks man.
Thanks for not letting
them jack off on me.
(FUNKY CONSPICUOUS MUSIC)
You got the stuff?
Yeah we got the stuff.
Where's the bread?
Yeah.
50 large.
Five keys,
uncut black lotus opium.
Freeze motherfuckers!
Whoa there,
take it easy homie.
Yeah, be chill dog.
Yeah, super chill.
(MACHINE GUN FIRE)
(GUN SHOTS)
Shit baby, why you got
to be so cold blooded?
I'm getting real tired
of your stupid face amigo.
I'm not your amigo chump.
Who you calling chump fool?
I'm calling you
a chump, chump.
And after I kick your chump ass,
I'm gonna put a stop to
your whole chump ass cult.
How you like the sound of that?
Chump.
(GUN SHOT)
(LAUGHTER)
Well I don't know
but how you like the
sound of this hesse?
Oh smooth song.
Oh it sounds good right.
Oh I hate this
new hip hop music.
Turn it up.
Uh oh, you in trouble now.
Shit baby, that
ain't no normal beat.
That's some backwards chanting,
monster summoning bullshit.
What?
(YELLS)
(GUN SHOTS)
Whoa, whoa, whoa amigo.
Check it out.
The girl in the leather,
watch as she's
getting fucked up now.
How you like that.
You like that shit?
(GUN SHOTS)
(GUN SHOTS)
(SCREAMS)
(GUN SHOTS)
Get your fuckin hands
where I can see them
and don't make any sudden moves.
Yeah.
Whoa, easy now.
You don't know who
you're dealing with.
I work for a very top secret
branch of the government
that exists to do battle
with supernatural,
diabolical occult forces
that most people
don't even know exist.
So do we.
Dammit Jimmy.
Do you even care how
badly you fucked up?
Do you realize that
Detectives Riggs and Manatucci
have been involved in an
ongoing, undercover investigation
for the last nine months.
I didn't want to have to do this
but you've given
me no choice Jimmy.
Give me your badge and gun.
Hold it there Chief.
We need him on this case.
Five years ago,
you and your partner
stamped out this cult
of degenerate psychopaths
dedicated to the great old ones
who lived ages before mankind.
That's right.
Why don't you tell me
something I don't already know.
Like I don't know,
why are you two dealing
black lotus opium
to dangerous cultists?
Because smart guy,
we were undercover.
Duh.
Well thanks for
clearing that up.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I've got some real work to do.
Agent Chevelle,
you've dealt with
these fuckers before,
you have first hand experience
of what we're dealing with.
We need you man.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, I don't
work with chumps.
God dammit Chevelle,
you play ball here
or you're out of
the fucking game.
You know what Chief,
I told you I was gonna
do things my way,
the Jimmy Chevelle way.
So just stay out of my way baby.
Jimmy quit the police
Gonna do things his way
(DEMONIC CHANTING)
Freeze motherfuckers!
Well, we've been
anticipating your arrival.
Yeah, well I hope
you've been anticipating
this stone cold ass beating
I'm about to lay
down on you sucker.
(GUN SHOTS)
(LAUGHTER)
You my friend
are a fleeting annoyance
will be brushed
aside and forgotten.
However you my dear
are another matter entirely.
Indeed your destiny...
As I was saying, your destiny
is much more interesting.
And it begins with a baptism
in the Eldredge flames of mass.
(SCREAMS)
Jimmy.
Jimmy, help me.
Help me Jimmy.
(EVIL LAUGH)
Help me Jimmy.
Jimmy.
Jimmy I can feel it,
it's eating my soul.
(SCREAMS)
What's your next move Jimmy
What's it gonna be
JIMMY: I wasn't sure what
my next move was gonna be.
But I had a feeling
it was gonna involve
a super foxy chick
with access to an ass load
of black market firearms
and explosives.
But look,
it's really simple,
you either have my guns
or you don't have
my fucking guns,
comprende?
You want me,
we should go over there?
What do you think genius?
Just the chick
I was looking for.
What say you and me
get down to business.
And when I say business,
what I really mean is pleasure.
Don't jive me sucker.
We both know that you
and I can't get together
as long as I'm a criminal
and you're a cop.
I ain't a cop no more,
cause I quit being a cop.
Right on.
I was wondering
when you was gonna
wise up.
I need a favor baby.
Gentlemen,
as you know, we
have taken control
of the major sources of marijuana
coming into Camaroville.
And with just a few grains
of this black lotus opium,
that ordinary reefer
is transformed into
a potent psychotropic
that not only effects the
central nervous system,
it permanently alters
brain function.
I call this powerful new blend
the Necronomichronic.
Necronomichronic baby
And even now it is
being distributed
throughout the city
where it will not only
speed the metamorphosis
of the masses,
but prepare them
to be enslaved by
the great old ones.
Can you dig it?
Well, can you dig it?
Yeah, sure boss,
but does this Necronomichronic
still get you high
like regular weed?
Oh I should say so.
It will get you high
Like regular weed will
Nobody fucking move,
you're all under arrest.
That's right mister,
your days of trying to
enslave the Earth are over.
Yeah, we're bringing your
crumby asses to justice.
Oh yes, the forces of justice.
How good of you to join us.
Indeed this saves me the trouble
of having to send for you.
You want me to
stab her now boss?
Not yet.
She can still be of further use.
Gonna turn that woman
The chief of police,
Into a dope smoker
To make her work for me
You evil son of a bitch,
you ain't gonna turn me into
a goddamned dope smoker.
Oh, I'm afraid I must insist.
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
Far out.
Hi daddy.
What the hell are you
doing bring a cop in here?
This is my night off sweetheart.
And you know damn well
on daddy's night off he likes to
enjoy some amateur strippers
and not be hassled by the fuzz.
But daddy he's
not a cop anymore.
That's right.
I'm not a cop no more.
Cause I quit being a cop.
Please daddy.
Alright, alright, alright,
let's hear what he has to say.
Dig it.
We both know that
there's some diabolical,
occult basters out there
that have taken
over Camaroville.
Now sooner or later,
you're either gonna be forced
to join up with these guys,
or get out of business.
Maybe,
just maybe.
What's your point?
My point is
I can deal with them,
but I need some help.
So just speaking
hypothetically,
if I was gonna give
you a little help,
what are you looking for?
I'm thinking maybe 200
pounds of plastic explosives
will do the trick.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, we can do that.
Why don't you come around
early tomorrow morning,
we'll make it happen.
I need this shit tonight.
Alright, alright.
Grouch, take Taco
Donnie on my car,
go get the shit
and bring it back.
No, no, no, that won't work.
Why not boss?
Because we took a
fucking cab here genius.
Listen, listen,
why don't you and
Taco Donnie take
his car and go get the
shit and bring it back.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Neither one of these
clowns is driving my car.
I'll drive.
No.
No way.
No way.
I don't want the fuzz,
or the ex fuzz to know
where my stash is.
And I'm not letting
those idiots drive my car.
So we're gonna have to figure
something else out here, okay.
I have an idea.
This is some pretty
fucked up shit,
you know that right.
I don't see what
the big deal is.
Everything is going to be fine.
Oh it better be.
You be super fuckin'
careful you hear me.
Don't worry.
And don't be
fuckin' with my radio.
Right here baby.
(SCREAMS)
Look out boss.
(LAUGHTER)
(SCREAMS)
Do something.
Get out of my way
you son of a bitch.
(SCREAMS)
Take 'em out boy,
acid shooting titties.
Who would have figured.
Drop the weapon Chevelle.
Fuck you Chief.
You're not the
chief of me no more.
(GUN SHOTS)
The old ones were,
the old ones are,
and the old ones shall be.
We who speed their return
shall be blessed
with divine madness,
while the rest of you
shall be as dancing whores
existing only to
amuse your masters.
Amuse?
I'm gonna be real
fucking amusing.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Shit.
How 'bout that?
Was that amusing enough for you.
You're too late.
When the great
old ones get back,
you are gonna be sorry Jimmy.
Shut up.
Give me back my badge
you headless bitch.
And so once again we
meet Jimmy Chevelle.
Once again you dare
stand in the way of my
unholy destiny.
And once again, you will fail.
The stars are right.
The time is now.
Nothing can stop us.
(SCREAMS)
You thought I
died in the fire.
But you were wrong.
I was reborn.
No.
No.
We're supposed to
do battle against
supernatural,
diabolical occult forces
that most people
don't even know exist.
We were wrong.
Humanity is nothing but
an insignificant speck
in the eyes of the
great old ones.
We were partners.
And we can be again Jimmy.
But.
Join us Jimmy.
No.
I got to keep doing battle
against supernatural
diabolical occult forces
most people don't
even know exist.
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
Jimmy
Your ex is evil
You shouldn't get with
those kinds of people
The old ones were,
the old ones are,
and the old ones shall be.
Not in places we know,
but between them.
The walk serene and primal
undimensioned,
and to us unseen.
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
Behold the bride of Cthulhu.
Freeze motherfuckers.
Solid.
Take it easy baby.
We got everything under control.
That's right we're
a foxy strike force
of deadly foxes
dedicated to doing battle
with supernatural
diabolical occult forces
that most people
don't even know exist.
And if you're cool with that,
then maybe later we
could get together.
Right now,
we got business.
(GUN SHOTS)
(GUN SHOTS)
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
Just try and hold it off.
I got something that
will stop it for good.
You cannot stop
my unstoppable,
unholy destiny Jimmy Chevelle.
See that's where
you're wrong sucker.
Cause I got enough
explosives in here
to level a city block.
And now your soul will feed
the insatiable appetite
of the bride of Cthulhu.
(SCREAMS)
I'd like to stick around baby,
but I don't dig getting blown up
into a million and fuck pieces.
36,
24,
(PHONE RINGS)
That's right,
that's what you get when you
fuck with Jimmy Chevelle.
You get your diabolical
ass blown the fuck up.
PHONE: We are sorry, the
six digit code you entered
has too much booty,
please try again.
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
(ROARS)
(SCREAMS)
(ROARS)
We gotta get the
fuck out of here baby.
What we gotta do is
stop that monster bitch.
You crazy baby,
that is one unstoppable,
undefeatable
juggernaut of
unholy destruction.
I have about 250 pounds
of plastic explosives
packed in the trunk of your car,
and the back seat is
full of napalm canisters.
(SCREAMS)
You think you gonna
make a slave of the world,
I'll see you in hell first.
(MONSTER SCREAMS)
What the hell is it Jimmy?
It's one of the
great old ones,
an ancient extraterrestrial
abomination
from beyond space and time.
Terrible herald of infinite
madness and unimaginable horror,
a sanity shattering bringer of
limitless gibbering
Cyclopean chaos.
Shit baby,
that's the Bride of Cthulhu
and I just kicked it's ass.
When I'm in the jungle
he is my best friend
Shaggy Elephant
Shaggy Elephant
When I need someone, I
know that I can depend on
Shaggy Elephant
Shaggy Elephant
When you're feeling down climb
on his back and ride around
Shaggy Elephant
Shaggy Elephant
When you're in a funk
he'll stomp his feet
and wave his trunk
Because he's Shaggy Elephant
Shaggy Elephant
Shaggy
I love you
Shaggy Elephant I love you
Shaggy Elephant
I love you baby
Come on
Shaggy Elephant
you came around
Movin' to a grove
and it shook the ground
Now we can't stop
movin' to that sound
Thank Shaggy Elephant
For showin' us
how to get down.
Shaggy Elephant
you came around
Movin' to a grove
and it shook the ground
Now we can't stop
movin' to that sound
Thank you Shaggy Elephant
For showin' us how to get down