Bailiwick (2017) Movie Script
1
Man can't live on bread alone
Sometimes you got to
tear the meat from the bone
Tear the meat from the bone
Can't run away from
the thoughts I've had
Evil voice screams in my head
Voices scream my head
I'm just the lies you fed me, baby
I'm just an old dead memory
Look in these bloodshot eyes, baby
Can't you see the monster in me
Nobody knows just what I am
Evil beast inside a man
Beast inside a man
I'm just the lies you fed me, baby
I'm just an old dead memory
Look in these bloodshot eyes, baby
Can't you see the monster in me
- So here we go.
Joelle, right?
Okay, I'll be you...
I'm just the lies you fed me, baby
I'm just an old dead memory
Look in these bloodshot eyes, baby
Can't you see the monster in me
Can't you see the monster
In me
- I don't know.
He wants like three kids and
I kind of only want two, so.
- I want four.
- I mean, that's a lot.
You're gonna have to get
like a mini van or something.
- We're gonna get like a bus.
- A Suburban.
- We're gonna have
a charter bus for everybody
sitting together.
- Yeah.
Oh, geez.
So how long are you working here till?
Are you out at like eight or?
- I don't know.
Whatever the manager says.
- Yeah, he
basically cut my hours.
I'm only like 10 hours.
- I'm so tired of it.
- You
have to get another job.
- I know.
Like I'm not making enough money here.
We'll see what happens.
- Not doin' it.
- Nope.
I'm kind of tired...
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
- Like my horoscope basically
told me to buy that dress.
- See, you know how I
was online last night.
You know dogs can't actually look up.
- Ridiculous.
- No, it's true.
Hence the vertebrachail
association in the neck.
- That's not even a word.
- It's on the website.
It's on, yeah, infobeats.org.
- I've been to that website.
- Oh, there you are.
- Thank you.
Ah, it's John, actually.
Hey, Tom.
Got your mail again.
- Really?
What's up with that?
Our names aren't even close.
It's like nobody even tries around here.
- Yeah.
- Thanks, Joe.
- It's John, actually.
- Taking a little break?
- No, I was just--
- What does that say?
- Um...
- Um?
What's the matter?
Can't tell time?
What does it say?
- Well, it's--
- Hmm?
What does it say?
Since you can't tell time, I'll
inform you of what it says.
It says it's 10:13am.
It's 10:13am, everybody.
Brett!
- Ah, yeah, boss?
- What time do we go on lunch?
- Noon.
- What's that?
- 12 o'clock, sir.
- And have we ever gone
on lunch at 10:13am?
- Nope.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah, yes.
- No.
No, we definitely do not.
So if it's not too much trouble for you
to make your way back to your desk,
sit in it and do the job
I so graciously pay you to do.
Do you think you could do that?
- Yes.
- Emily.
In my office.
- Yeah, no, Pangea still exists.
They discovered the ruins last year.
- Oh.
- In the Pacific Ocean.
- Wow.
- I just don't have a car right now.
- You can ride there on my face.
- I just don't understand why
you're putting up with that.
- Well, they were the
forebearers of agriculture
is where that started, actually.
- Oh.
- Farming and stuff like that.
I don't want to get into it right now.
- It was Mexico, right?
- Yeah, no, no, it's Pangea.
Still, I'd rather...
- So I can't
meet up with us tonight.
- There's no way
you can't meet up tonight?
- No, I have to meet
this girl from last night.
- There is no
way that earth is round.
- Do you know bananas actually
have a lot less potassium?
- Oh, yeah?
Are you gonna eat this?
- Africa is actually real
disproportionate on--
- I've heard that before that, yeah.
- On Tungsten projections.
- Yeah, exactly.
I've noticed that
Greenland is so much larger
in real life.
- Yeah, it's actually.
- When I met him he had long, dark hair
with red streaks in it
and I was like, done!
- Done as in no?
- No, done as in yes.
I love that.
- Okay.
- I can't get enough shaggy-haired boys.
- Ew, I mean, it's shaggy-haired.
If I wanted a boy I'd want
him like Justin Timberlake.
- I would rather
bang Justin Bieber.
- Yeah, well this
one could fill a book.
- Whoa, okay, well.
- Hey, we're having a show.
You should come.
- Okay.
- Is this what I pay you for?
Hmm?
- No.
- Are you unclear about what your job is?
I'm sure your mommy and daddy told you
you could do whatever you wanted to do
and be whatever you wanted to be,
but your mommy and daddy aren't here.
Here you be
what I want you to be
and you do what I tell you to do.
Nothing else.
- Sales has always
been inferior to.
It's obvious.
It's in the care accounts of the...
- I don't know,
that's just amazing.
- That's, that's, wow.
- I did it twice, twice.
- Wow, twice?
- Twice.
- Wow, dude, seriously.
- Hi.
Small or large?
Small?
Have a great day.
Can I help who's next?
- Hey, it's you.
You came to the show!
- That'll be $20.
- Hey, you two.
Get going, get going.
Well, you come for the show.
I take you.
Enjoy the show.
- Come, come in.
There's a seat right up front for you.
Under the stars
Under the stars
Under the stars
Oh
How your words mean nothing
- Do you see anyone, Maxim?
- Maybe.
Ah, I don't know.
I'm not sure.
- We need to find someone.
- I know we do.
We will.
It's just...
They have to be right.
- Everybody sit back.
The show is about to
begin in just a moment.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls.
Thank you very much for allowing us
to entertain you here tonight.
And without further adieu,
please let me introduce to you
the most mysterious fortune teller.
The Great Valdini.
- It's Valdono, Valdono.
You live in this neighborhood.
Listen, ladies and gentlemen.
You are in for a big surprise today.
Oh, I just came from across
the River Styx to get here.
Just a moment.
I need a volunteer from the audience.
Yes, madam, you're a
volunteer from the audience.
Just a moment.
Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, what a dumbbell.
Let me think about this a minute.
She's got oxblood boots
and a carney's laugh
A silver spoon with a razor's edge
Veins as fine as rabbit hair
Her blood runs cold as gravel in there
She wears a derby hat
and a black pea coat
Stands on the stern of a cap-sized boat
In a world washed a-flood with sin
She cries out through a fang-lined grin
There's no more room in hell, boys
No more room in hell
- Aleena, ladies and gentlemen.
Dead man down
There's no more room in hell
There's no more room in hell, boys
No room in hell
- And here is Audelia.
A young girl we found
on the side of the road
where her mother was trying to trade her
for a pack of goats.
She is a part of our family now.
We paddled across a sea of ash
Sweat and blood and outstretched hands
My eyes met with others there
Some were strangers' others friends'
Drowned others just to reach that boat
Our savior in the black pea coat
Her marrow-fair hand wrung my wrist
Leaned to an ear and whispered this
- Yeah!
- And now I present to you the lovely
seductive songstress Vantha.
I'm just the lies you fed me, baby
I'm just a long and lonely soul
Look in these icy eyes, baby
Can't you see the monster in me
- And now I bring to you
a truly mystifying act.
Maxamillion and Vaduny.
She wears a derby hat
and a black pea coat
Stands on the stern of a cap-sized boat
In a world washed a-flood with sin
She cries out through a fang-lined grin
There's no more room in hell, boys
No more room in hell
Ain't a plot of ground
to keep a dead man down
There's no more room in hell
There's no more room in hell, boys
No more room in hell
Our souls we keep where the devil sleeps
But there's no more room in hell
We paddled across a sea of ash
Sweat and blood and outstretched hands
My eyes met with others there
Some were strangers' others friends'
Drowned others just to reach that boat
Our savior in the black pea coat
Her marrow-fair hand wrung my wrist
Leaned to an ear and whispered this
No more room in hell
Ain't a plot of ground
to keep a dead man down
There's no more room in hell
There's no more room in hell, boys
No room in hell
Our souls we keep where the devil sleeps
But there's no more room in hell
- That man.
- In front?
- Yes.
- I saw him.
Is he the one?
- Yes, I think he is.
Do me a favor and go fetch
him, will you my dear?
- Of course.
Excuse me, sir?
- Thank you for coming to the show.
I'm Maxamillion.
- I really enjoyed it.
Your part especially.
I'm John.
- John.
Hello, John.
So do you practice magic?
- What, me?
No way.
No, not ever.
I mean, I'd love to, but no.
Not me.
- Well that's a shame.
I bet if you were to try it,
you'd be really good at it.
John, my friend, I have a gift for you.
It's a book.
My book.
Well, it was mine for awhile,
but it's time to pass
it on to someone worthy.
It's my book of tricks.
My book of secrets.
All my secrets for you.
- I, I can't take this.
- You don't want it?
- Yes, I do, but--
- John.
I choose you.
Only you.
It's yours.
I give this to you.
Now there is a condition.
You mustn't read ahead.
Study the tricks.
You must learn the tricks in order.
Do you promise?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Good evening, sir.
How was your evening?
You would like me to maybe read fortune?
- Oh no, I don't have an--
- I see you have been given this gift.
You don't need me to read fortune.
You now have everything you need
to have all the power you
could ever want.
But it does come with
consequences.
- Welcome to our newest member.
In your hands a unique treasure,
for when it comes to this endeavor,
you are this book's newest possessor.
Passed on and on throughout the years,
encapsulating blood, sweat, and tears.
Stupendous gifts inside this book,
so turn the page and take a look.
Remember what you earlier said,
keep the order, mustn't read ahead.
Learn these tricks and make them slick,
for they will bind you to your bailiwick.
The beginning.
- Well your sister's fighting again.
And I'm like, great, again?
- Of course
you had to step in, you know.
- Well, that's what little sisters do.
They take care of like, the situation.
- So did you hit her or?
- I don't know.
I was just throwing hands.
Whackin' my hands down whenever.
Like, who cares?
Like I don't have a day job or anything
that's gonna like I have to worry about.
- Yeah.
- Sorry to keep you waiting.
What can I do for ya?
- So it was, we went to college.
You know, you can spare a
room and things, you know.
- Oh, yeah.
- But now he's calling me.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, and I just find it weird that
he's calling me for
stuff like, ooh, donuts.
Donuts, cool.
I got you, bro.
Whoa!
Donuts!
Donuts!
Donuts!
Get it, get it, get it!
Woo-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Aw, man!
- I knew I liked this guy.
Oh, boy, I like this guy.
- Yeah, of course, of course.
Oh, that's so good.
- You better get in there.
- Carbs?
No.
- Who?
This guy.
- Hey, you want some donuts?
Donut guy.
- So have you ever tried vegan jerky?
- Ooh, jerky.
- Try some.
- Like brothers.
- Yeah.
- The four brothers.
- Any, any birthday joke or he was
putting on white face paint.
- Illuminati.
- I've never trusted clowns anyway.
- Exactly.
And that's the point.
You're not supposed to trust them
because we know instinctively
that they were probably the Illuminati.
They're controlling the world.
So whenever you hear that clowns
are controlling the world,
it's actually true.
- You ah, you guys want
to see a magic trick?
- A what?
- A what?
- What?
- Is he new?
- Yup.
- What?
- Oh.
- Oh.
- That's cool.
- Yes, every king needs his court jester.
Take a bow.
Really, take a bow.
Now show Emily.
- Hi, Emily.
- Don't be shy, show Emily now.
The real trick was making John disappear.
- The intermediate.
- Clients can see more of the
color spectrons because...
- Hey, new guy.
- What are they talking about?
Shaquille O'Neal's the
only other person I said.
Yeah, oh yeah.
- So I think I'm gonna win
the employee make out contest.
I'm makin' out with Kylie.
Hey, girl.
- Kyle?
- Ew, Kylie.
Check your hearing aid.
- Sorry, sorry, I'm supposed
to get a new one next week.
- You know about this contest
between you and Derek.
I'm sensin' a little sexual
tension between you two.
I think you're tryin' to,
tryin' to drop that rainbow
sweater and try the D, huh?
No?
Listen, if Derek's not available,
I'm all for representing all the Ds if ah,
I could just be there for you.
- I too would like to
offer up my services,
you know, for science.
- Aw, thank you, guys.
But I've actually tried the D,
and that's a hard no.
- So wait, though, I just wanna know.
The D is freely being given out here?
Then is that what's going on?
- Slut.
- Okay.
- What's up, dude?
- Nice shirt, new guy.
- You guys want to see another trick?
- Totally.
- Sure.
- Now, I'm gonna riffle
through the cards like this.
You tell me when to stop, okay?
- Okay.
Stop.
- So there's your card.
Don't show it to me.
But you can show it to them.
I'm gonna fan these out.
You place it back in the deck.
Now let's see if I can find her card.
Now I'll bet you all anything
the next card I turn over
is gonna be your card.
- I'll take that bet.
- Not bad.
- That's awesome.
- Hey, what are you doing tonight?
- Going out with us.
That's what you're doing.
Yeah.
- I don't know.
- Ah, you'd hate it, anyway.
It's gonna be loud and full of a bunch
of cheap sluts and booze.
Kind of like Billie over here.
- It's true, though.
- It is.
- All right, guys, it's that
time to hit the grind again.
Kyle will be pissed.
- Why would Kylie be pissed?
- Kyle!
- Sorry, sorry.
Seriously if it wasn't for that concession
I would be a Kansas City Chief right now.
- See you at the bar.
- Melanie, let's go.
- Coming.
- The controller.
- Ball well, I miss.
- Oh!
- That was awesome!
- Yeah, no, you, no.
- I got you, I got you, I got you.
- No, laying down would be prepared.
- I don't know that to prepare, okay?
All right.
- You have on a beautiful top.
- Beautiful.
- You guys are beautiful.
- You're beautiful people.
- Can we keep her?
Can I keep her?
- I grew a mustache
for you too, wanna see?
What?
Look what you did.
You just chased her.
- Hey, new guy, new guy!
- New guy!
- It's ah, actually John.
- New guy, actually John.
- Hey man, grab a seat, man.
- Hey, how we doin' today?
Can I get you a refill on anything?
- Say ah.
- Ah.
- Woo, woo.
- Shots.
- There you go.
Err!
Down
In the monster's mouth
They go down
Down
In the monster's mouth
They go down
Down
In the monster's mouth
They go down
Down
In the monster's mouth
They go down
Down
In the monster's mouth
They go down
Down
In the monster's mouth
They go down
Down
In the monster's mouth
They go down
Down
In the monster's mouth
They go down
Down
- Hey, John.
I hate to tell you this,
but Kyle said he wants to
see you in the board room.
- Yeah, and he said right now,
and that's never a good sign.
Good luck.
- Kyle?
- Come on in.
Close the door on your way out, Emily.
Did you get a call from me last night?
- No.
- No?
You mean I didn't sleepwalk,
stumble out of bed,
walk over to my pants,
grab my phone and call you?
- Um...
- Um...
- No.
- Maybe I was hallucinating.
Is that what you're saying?
- What?
- Maybe I was trippin' my balls off.
Yeah, I was tripping my
balls off and I thought,
I'll call that dumb motherfucker
who works for me
and tell him he can come in late.
Is that what happened?
Is that what happened?
- I'm sorry.
- You're sorry?
For what?
It sounds like I had the
night of my fucking life,
except wait.
No, none of that happened.
Do you know what did happen, though?
What did happen is I went home last night,
went to bed early,
had boring, obligatory sex with my wife,
and then I drank myself to sleep.
I did not, however, at any time call you
and give you my permission
to come in late.
Did I?
What's that?
- No.
- No, no.
Then what possessed you to
think you could come in late?
- You've got to stop this.
I told you no good would come of this.
I told you!
Oh, God.
You're killing yourself.
Please just stop this.
I can't take it anymore!
Please, just stop.
Just, just make it all go away.
I always thought you were
perfect just the way you were.
Please just stop.
You're sick now, but you'll be okay.
- You think this is about love,
support,
adoration for one's fellow man.
Love.
This isn't about love.
This is about power.
Power.
Those who have it, those who do not.
You, you my friend,
you have had no power in your whole life.
You can't even imagine yourself
as someone who will ever have it.
You now have everything you need
to have all the power you could ever want.
- But there are consequences.
Hey.
Hey!
Hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey!
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Get up and get the fuck out.
- Are you okay?
- Oh, sorry!
- What up, new guy?
- I don't know why you're
there in that situation.
Like we told you again and again.
- Do you want to come over
and watch Orange Is the New Black tonight?
- I mean, I'm here for you.
I'm just the lies you fed me, baby
Voices scream in my ear
- You now have everything you need
to have all the power you could ever want.
I'm just the lies you fed me, baby
Can't you see
- You now have everything you need
to have all the power you could,
all the power you could ever want,
all the power you could ever want.
- But there are consequences.
Consequences.
The monster in me
- Maxamillion
and Vaduny.
Enemy from the bone
- Yes.
- There is power.
There is power.
There is power.
- You must learn the tricks in order.
You promise?
- What the hell?
What the hell?
What the hell?
- Oh.
You just broke my friend's beer.
- Uh, sorry.
- You gonna pay for that?
- Look, I'll buy you
another beer, all right?
- We don't want another beer.
We want two beers.
- Fine, I'll
buy you a couple beers.
I'm just, let me go get 'em for ya.
- Here that, man?
- Look, I don't know what you want.
I'm sorry.
I mean, he threw his beer at me.
I was just walkin' here.
- Am I hearing this right?
Bro.
Are you calling my friend a liar?
- No, I'm just, what do you want?
I'll buy you another beer, I'm sorry.
- I want to hear an
apology with conviction
and feeling so my friend can hear it.
I want to hear an apology.
- Just leave me alone.
- Hey.
Fucktard?
We didn't get our beer.
- How you doin'?
- Yeah, a gin and tonic, please.
- Absolutely, sir.
I'll be right back.
- How's it goin'?
- Fine.
- Fine.
Fine.
You, my friend, do not exactly look fine.
And good drink, by the way.
Dave makes a hell of a gin and tonic.
As long as he uses the good stuff
and doesn't water that shit down.
- Eat my dick!
- Oh-ho-ho.
So, weary traveler.
What is it about the way that you act
that makes me not believe
you when you say you're fine?
- I don't know.
I did some stuff.
- Stuff?
Ah, stuff.
Stuff can be pretty shitty.
I hear you, my friend, I do.
Okay.
Time for a special offer.
Tonight's special offer for you.
You, my good man, get to vent to your new
psychiatrist here, me.
And all for the price of
one of those gin and tonics.
Seriously.
I'm here if you want to vent.
All right, a couple more
gin and tonics, Dave.
So what's got you down?
- Well, I work for a total asshole.
- Ah, work strife.
Power hungry asshole?
- Oh, yeah.
The guy's totally got it in for me.
- Yeah.
Is there anyone you can tell?
- Not really, no one I know.
- Mmm.
Can you tell this guy off?
I mean, just tell 'em to
leave you the hell alone.
- No, I can't, I'm--
- Ah, not your style.
I can see that.
I can tell, you're a
nice guy who just wants
to keep to yourself, right?
And here you got this loser
breathing down your neck.
Shit, man.
That sucks.
I'm sorry.
You know what?
Cheers.
To you.
May you quickly find a way
to deal with this idiot.
- I just feel powerless.
- You now have everything you need to have
all the power you could ever want.
- What did you just say?
- I mean, come on.
You can't let a douchebag
jerk make you feel that way.
- No, no, no, no, I mean, what did you--
- Hey, hey!
- Dude! Dude!
- Yeah, man!
- How is it over there, man?
- Ah, it's great, man.
I got you this.
- Hey, I want you to meet
a new friend of mine.
I never got your name.
- It's John, how do you do?
- Eh, good to meet you, Bob.
- Listen, what did you mean when you said,
wait, wait, wait.
- So I got this promotion there.
- I will, I will
get, I will be right back.
I really gotta hit the head.
I'll be right back.
- Ah, hey, Dave, man!
- Hey, yo!
- Drinks!
- Yeah, shots?
- Yeah, man.
Hook me up.
Let's play what made me sick last.
- Tequila it is.
- Awesome, thanks brother.
So Bob, how'd you meet
my buddy Brian, man?
- Oh, just tonight.
- Just tonight, huh, well.
He's a treasure, man.
I tell ya, that guy, he's solid gold.
Good man.
- That's great.
- I've known this guy for years,
you know what I'm sayin'?
This is like, you ever
have that connection
with somebody, man?
You know, like you just
meet 'em, you're like ah.
- Yeah.
- That's like you're soulmates, man.
It's like, I love you, man.
I tell ya, any friend of
Brian's is a friend of mine.
- Great.
- I know you had to feel
that the same time, too, man.
Here, let me get you a drink.
- No, I'm good, man.
- Oh, man, come on.
Man buys you a drink, you drink up.
Here you go, man.
Don't fret.
Mmm.
Did I tell you, man?
- Ow.
- If you're friends with
Brian, you know what I mean?
That means you're my friend, too, man.
I tell you this, I love you, man.
- Will you get out of here?
- What's goin' on?
- Where's Dan?
- Ah, he left.
But hey, listen.
What did you mean when said--
- What, that's my ride.
I gotta go.
- Okay.
- Hey, it's nice meetin'
ya, see you around.
Don't take any shit from anybody.
- No, wait a minute, what did you--
- Hey, come on!!
- Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Wait, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Shit, shit!
- Houdini
was too big of a man
to come back and shake
insignificant little bells.
- Those are really gorgeous.
Where did you get those?
- I know, right?
My sugar mama.
- Okay, everybody, let's get started
so we can get this done.
Oh, and let's give John
a round of applause
for showing up on time.
- Ah, hey, good job, man.
You really knocked 'em dead.
- Go fly a kite.
- What's up, bro?
- Hi.
- I need you to fill all these out.
- Thank you.
- Super tedious, but, you know.
- Why don't you do it for me?
- New guy.
- Hi, John.
- So you do know my name.
- Of course, you've worked
here for like four years.
Do you know my name?
- Of course, Emily.
- Okay.
It would seem that some
of you need a refresher
course on our company's dating policy.
Anyone who is employed by me is a no-no.
That means to flirting.
No to sex.
No Netflix and chill.
No massage circles.
No bootie calls.
I want to make sure there
is no gray area here.
Do we all understand what we can't
do with each other?
I will make one exception, however,
and that's for John.
I know you and your hand have been
together a long time now and I would
really hat to deny true love.
Am I right?
- So the way we look at it,
if Rick would just stop
going to this website,
we could probably--
- No, this is the one he
told me about, though.
- Yeah, but we can--
- Hey, Billie.
- Hey, guys.
Those are for you, all filled out.
- You filled out my paperwork?
- What?
- Thank you.
- You what?
- I filled out his TPS reports.
- Why did you do that?
- Because...
I don't know.
- Is that Brett?
- Weird.
- Oh my God.
- What?
- Get out of here.
- What is he doing?
- He's flying a kite.
- It's the middle of the
work day and he's flying a kite.
- What the?
- I got this.
- Are you
getting pictures of this?
- You know have everything you need
to have all the power.
- All the power.
- All the power you could ever want.
- All the power you could ever want.
- You think he's tryin' to overcompensate
for somethin' with the
ribbon on that tail?
- Probably.
- That is a really long ribbon.
- Yeah, it's ah--
- I like the
juxtaposition of this scene.
- Somebody
taking pictures of this?
- Okay, so what?
I mean.
It could be, I mean.
Maybe it's just a matter of...
You know?
- No.
- I mean, you hear about
these things all the time.
I mean, it could just be a matter of...
What the?
Well I've been bad before I could crawl
It only got worse when I started to talk
I never cared to listen
I did what I saw
I cared about my guitar
and a girl next door
Seasons changed, years went by
The devil started to
show more in my eyes
Of the smoke I toke
The truancy notes,
Oh it shows up in
every single song I wrote
I like wild women, drinkin' and sinnin'
Oh momma tried, but
that's just the beginnin'
The motels, jail cells, and dingy bars
May look bad if you see
it from a shooting star
I like wild women, drinkin' and sinnin'
Oh, momma tried but
that's just the beginning
Sometimes I wonder
if I would've been good
If daddy hadn't left my neighborhood
Whoa, ho, ho
Whoa, ho, ho
Whoa, ho, ho
- No, no, no, it was the early Iron Age
when the male genome was actually able to
mutate enough to grow hair on the face.
Back me up on this.
You're a history buff, yeah?
- He can't.
- Yeah, early Iron Age.
- No way.
- It was the 600s and
that's when the male face
started growing hair because
that's when the earth,
that is when the earth's temperature--
- Neanderthals had the
ability to grow hair.
Oh, hello.
Speaking of hair.
- We're not talking about,
we're not talking about the modern era.
We're not talking about the modern era.
- Oh my God.
- In these thousands of years
the male genome has gone back in time,
regressed early back to a
time where we don't need it.
- Remember this?
- It's true, it's true.
Which means eventually
time will flip completely
and females will start
growing hair on their face.
- Oh God, I hope not.
- I hope not.
That's why I don't do dudes.
- Not in our children's lifetime.
- I'm not gonna die, I
don't know about you.
I'm living forever.
Oh.
- Hey.
Where's my invitation?
Sit.
You guys are in here having a party?
You don't think I like parties?
I love parties.
I am a party.
- We were just talking.
- Was someone talking to you?
- Sorry.
- You shouldn't talk to her like that.
- Excuse me?
- She's a good person.
You should treat her with respect.
Now you're telling me how
to talk to my employees?
I own her.
- No you don't.
- I own her.
I own you.
I own everyone in here.
Now get the fuck out.
I have something I want
to discuss with Emily.
This doesn't concern you.
Stay the fuck back.
Take one more fuckin' step and I will
break her fuckin' arm.
- Please, just don't.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Please stop hurting her.
- Is this what you want?
You want that fuckin', pathetic
piece of shit over there?
Is that what you fuckin' want?
You two stay the fuck away from each other
or next time I'll break it the fuck off.
Now get the fuck out.
- I'm sorry.
- Daddy wants to make up.
- Just go, John.
- I said get the fuck out!
- New guy!
- Have you seen Kyle?
- I have seen, in fact, yes.
How she could, everywhere.
- Oh, I know.
- Every day, though, too.
I mean I guess she's
getting paid nice, but.
- Yeah, I mean, I don't
know how money there is.
Kill Kyle
Kill Kyle
- Kyle.
Kyle. Kyle
Kyle.
Kyle. Kyle
Ky, Kyle.
Kylie.
Kylie. Kylie
Kylie.
Kylie. Kylie
- Oh my goodness, you scared me.
Men can't live on bread alone
Sometimes you gotta tear the meat
From the bone
Tear the meat
From
The
Bone
Can't run away from
The thoughts I've had
Evil voice screams in my head
Voices scream in my head
And just the lies you fed me
Baby
I'm just an old
Dead memory
Nobody knows
Just what I am
Beast inside
Of me
Fed me, baby
Old dead memories
Baby
Can't you see
Monster
- So how are the both of you doing
after such awful things
have happened here?
- Uh, I'm okay.
- It's been pretty crazy.
- Yes, tragic.
So the reason you're both here.
This is business and well,
the show must go on.
John, you've been here for
four years, haven't you?
- Yes, I have.
- And you know, John, your work has been
consistently good through that whole time.
And Emily you've been
here for a year, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, let's get to it.
John, how would you
like to run this branch
from this point forward?
You've got the experience and
you're a good, solid person.
And I'd like Emily to work
alongside you, as well,
so that way you could teach her the ropes.
And eventually we can
get her into management.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Yeah, okay, yeah.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
- So do the two of you think you'll
work well together?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well he keeps diesel in my tractor
And a big old pile of
wood there by the fire
He keeps the strings on my guitar
Gasoline in my car
He's always checkin' out my tires
Well he keeps the sugar for my coffee
Yeah, he even keeps
real butter for my toast
Keeps some money in the bank
A little whiskey in my drink
- Too much booze.
And he knows the kind I love most
'Cause he's a keeper
Yeah, my baby couldn't get any sweeter
You know he's the buzz in my beeper
- Hey, guys, how you guys doing?
I'm Denny, I'm going to be
your server this evening.
Can I start you guys off
with a cocktail or wine?
- I think we want a bottle
of the Belagio Chianti.
- Awesome, excellent choice.
Have you seen the back right there?
You'll see our specials this evening,
so you can go ahead and look at that
while I get you you're wine.
- Excellent, thank you.
- All right, I'll be right back.
Full of fun and laughter
But he keeps me right on track
Knows just where to rub my back
Gonna keep him happy
- That'll be coming out of your paycheck.
- All right, here we go.
Do you guys need some more time
or are you guys ready to order?
- Emily?
- Yeah, I think I'm ready.
I'll have the pasta with eggplant
and just a side salad with
the vegan vinaigrette.
- Awesome, and for you, sir?
- You know what?
That sounds better than
what I was going to get,
so I will have the same.
Thank you.
- Yeah, definitely.
You won't have any food envy.
- Right.
He's a keeper
My baby couldn't get any sweeter
- Maybe if you weren't so dense, Dennis,
then you could keep up with the activities
of this restaurant.
I'm takin' him home, he's a keeper
Goodnight, everybody.
See ya next week.
- Hey, guys.
I'm really, really sorry,
but the chef just informed me that
they're running really
low on the eggplant,
so I was just wondering if by any chance
we can substitute it with
some mixed vegetables
for your pasta?
- Oh, sure, that's fine.
- Are you sure?
Thank you, I'm so sorry for the bother.
- No problem.
- Appreciate it.
Hey guys, once again
I'm so sorry about that.
I brought you guys some
of our house bread.
- Ah, it's fine, it's fine.
Denny, I have a question for you.
Do you like magic?
You look at me with your bright eyes
And I know everything's all right
Just by the way you look tonight
I can get through everything
I can get through this horror
I can fall madly in love with you
Time is runnin' out
and time is runnin' out
And time is runnin' out they say
Time is runnin' out
and time is running out
And time is floating away
I was hesitant from the start
I didn't want you to break my heart
But now I get that I'm
supposed to be with you
I've fallen so hard
Right from the very start
How am I doing so far
Please don't break my heart
Time is runnin' out
and time is runnin' out
And time is runnin' out they say
Time is runnin' out
and time is runnin' out
And time is falling away
Time is falling so slow they say
Time is falling away
They say, they say, they say
I've fallen for your heart
Right from the very start
And I can't wait to
share my love with you
Cause we are destined to be
We are destined to be
Madly in love, in love,
in love, in love, in love
Time is runnin' out
and time is runnin' out
And time is runnin' out they say
Yes, time is runnin' out
and time is runnin' out
And time is falling away
Time is runnin' out
and time is runnin' out
And time is runnin' out they say
Yes time is runnin' out
and time is runnin' out
And time is falling away
Time is falling so slow they say
Time is falling away
They say, they say, they say
Man can't live on bread alone
Sometimes you got to
tear the meat from the bone
Tear the meat from the bone
Can't run away from
the thoughts I've had
Evil voice screams in my head
Voices scream my head
I'm just the lies you fed me, baby
I'm just an old dead memory
Look in these bloodshot eyes, baby
Can't you see the monster in me
Nobody knows just what I am
Evil beast inside a man
Beast inside a man
I'm just the lies you fed me, baby
I'm just an old dead memory
Look in these bloodshot eyes, baby
Can't you see the monster in me
- So here we go.
Joelle, right?
Okay, I'll be you...
I'm just the lies you fed me, baby
I'm just an old dead memory
Look in these bloodshot eyes, baby
Can't you see the monster in me
Can't you see the monster
In me
- I don't know.
He wants like three kids and
I kind of only want two, so.
- I want four.
- I mean, that's a lot.
You're gonna have to get
like a mini van or something.
- We're gonna get like a bus.
- A Suburban.
- We're gonna have
a charter bus for everybody
sitting together.
- Yeah.
Oh, geez.
So how long are you working here till?
Are you out at like eight or?
- I don't know.
Whatever the manager says.
- Yeah, he
basically cut my hours.
I'm only like 10 hours.
- I'm so tired of it.
- You
have to get another job.
- I know.
Like I'm not making enough money here.
We'll see what happens.
- Not doin' it.
- Nope.
I'm kind of tired...
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
- Like my horoscope basically
told me to buy that dress.
- See, you know how I
was online last night.
You know dogs can't actually look up.
- Ridiculous.
- No, it's true.
Hence the vertebrachail
association in the neck.
- That's not even a word.
- It's on the website.
It's on, yeah, infobeats.org.
- I've been to that website.
- Oh, there you are.
- Thank you.
Ah, it's John, actually.
Hey, Tom.
Got your mail again.
- Really?
What's up with that?
Our names aren't even close.
It's like nobody even tries around here.
- Yeah.
- Thanks, Joe.
- It's John, actually.
- Taking a little break?
- No, I was just--
- What does that say?
- Um...
- Um?
What's the matter?
Can't tell time?
What does it say?
- Well, it's--
- Hmm?
What does it say?
Since you can't tell time, I'll
inform you of what it says.
It says it's 10:13am.
It's 10:13am, everybody.
Brett!
- Ah, yeah, boss?
- What time do we go on lunch?
- Noon.
- What's that?
- 12 o'clock, sir.
- And have we ever gone
on lunch at 10:13am?
- Nope.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah, yes.
- No.
No, we definitely do not.
So if it's not too much trouble for you
to make your way back to your desk,
sit in it and do the job
I so graciously pay you to do.
Do you think you could do that?
- Yes.
- Emily.
In my office.
- Yeah, no, Pangea still exists.
They discovered the ruins last year.
- Oh.
- In the Pacific Ocean.
- Wow.
- I just don't have a car right now.
- You can ride there on my face.
- I just don't understand why
you're putting up with that.
- Well, they were the
forebearers of agriculture
is where that started, actually.
- Oh.
- Farming and stuff like that.
I don't want to get into it right now.
- It was Mexico, right?
- Yeah, no, no, it's Pangea.
Still, I'd rather...
- So I can't
meet up with us tonight.
- There's no way
you can't meet up tonight?
- No, I have to meet
this girl from last night.
- There is no
way that earth is round.
- Do you know bananas actually
have a lot less potassium?
- Oh, yeah?
Are you gonna eat this?
- Africa is actually real
disproportionate on--
- I've heard that before that, yeah.
- On Tungsten projections.
- Yeah, exactly.
I've noticed that
Greenland is so much larger
in real life.
- Yeah, it's actually.
- When I met him he had long, dark hair
with red streaks in it
and I was like, done!
- Done as in no?
- No, done as in yes.
I love that.
- Okay.
- I can't get enough shaggy-haired boys.
- Ew, I mean, it's shaggy-haired.
If I wanted a boy I'd want
him like Justin Timberlake.
- I would rather
bang Justin Bieber.
- Yeah, well this
one could fill a book.
- Whoa, okay, well.
- Hey, we're having a show.
You should come.
- Okay.
- Is this what I pay you for?
Hmm?
- No.
- Are you unclear about what your job is?
I'm sure your mommy and daddy told you
you could do whatever you wanted to do
and be whatever you wanted to be,
but your mommy and daddy aren't here.
Here you be
what I want you to be
and you do what I tell you to do.
Nothing else.
- Sales has always
been inferior to.
It's obvious.
It's in the care accounts of the...
- I don't know,
that's just amazing.
- That's, that's, wow.
- I did it twice, twice.
- Wow, twice?
- Twice.
- Wow, dude, seriously.
- Hi.
Small or large?
Small?
Have a great day.
Can I help who's next?
- Hey, it's you.
You came to the show!
- That'll be $20.
- Hey, you two.
Get going, get going.
Well, you come for the show.
I take you.
Enjoy the show.
- Come, come in.
There's a seat right up front for you.
Under the stars
Under the stars
Under the stars
Oh
How your words mean nothing
- Do you see anyone, Maxim?
- Maybe.
Ah, I don't know.
I'm not sure.
- We need to find someone.
- I know we do.
We will.
It's just...
They have to be right.
- Everybody sit back.
The show is about to
begin in just a moment.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls.
Thank you very much for allowing us
to entertain you here tonight.
And without further adieu,
please let me introduce to you
the most mysterious fortune teller.
The Great Valdini.
- It's Valdono, Valdono.
You live in this neighborhood.
Listen, ladies and gentlemen.
You are in for a big surprise today.
Oh, I just came from across
the River Styx to get here.
Just a moment.
I need a volunteer from the audience.
Yes, madam, you're a
volunteer from the audience.
Just a moment.
Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, what a dumbbell.
Let me think about this a minute.
She's got oxblood boots
and a carney's laugh
A silver spoon with a razor's edge
Veins as fine as rabbit hair
Her blood runs cold as gravel in there
She wears a derby hat
and a black pea coat
Stands on the stern of a cap-sized boat
In a world washed a-flood with sin
She cries out through a fang-lined grin
There's no more room in hell, boys
No more room in hell
- Aleena, ladies and gentlemen.
Dead man down
There's no more room in hell
There's no more room in hell, boys
No room in hell
- And here is Audelia.
A young girl we found
on the side of the road
where her mother was trying to trade her
for a pack of goats.
She is a part of our family now.
We paddled across a sea of ash
Sweat and blood and outstretched hands
My eyes met with others there
Some were strangers' others friends'
Drowned others just to reach that boat
Our savior in the black pea coat
Her marrow-fair hand wrung my wrist
Leaned to an ear and whispered this
- Yeah!
- And now I present to you the lovely
seductive songstress Vantha.
I'm just the lies you fed me, baby
I'm just a long and lonely soul
Look in these icy eyes, baby
Can't you see the monster in me
- And now I bring to you
a truly mystifying act.
Maxamillion and Vaduny.
She wears a derby hat
and a black pea coat
Stands on the stern of a cap-sized boat
In a world washed a-flood with sin
She cries out through a fang-lined grin
There's no more room in hell, boys
No more room in hell
Ain't a plot of ground
to keep a dead man down
There's no more room in hell
There's no more room in hell, boys
No more room in hell
Our souls we keep where the devil sleeps
But there's no more room in hell
We paddled across a sea of ash
Sweat and blood and outstretched hands
My eyes met with others there
Some were strangers' others friends'
Drowned others just to reach that boat
Our savior in the black pea coat
Her marrow-fair hand wrung my wrist
Leaned to an ear and whispered this
No more room in hell
Ain't a plot of ground
to keep a dead man down
There's no more room in hell
There's no more room in hell, boys
No room in hell
Our souls we keep where the devil sleeps
But there's no more room in hell
- That man.
- In front?
- Yes.
- I saw him.
Is he the one?
- Yes, I think he is.
Do me a favor and go fetch
him, will you my dear?
- Of course.
Excuse me, sir?
- Thank you for coming to the show.
I'm Maxamillion.
- I really enjoyed it.
Your part especially.
I'm John.
- John.
Hello, John.
So do you practice magic?
- What, me?
No way.
No, not ever.
I mean, I'd love to, but no.
Not me.
- Well that's a shame.
I bet if you were to try it,
you'd be really good at it.
John, my friend, I have a gift for you.
It's a book.
My book.
Well, it was mine for awhile,
but it's time to pass
it on to someone worthy.
It's my book of tricks.
My book of secrets.
All my secrets for you.
- I, I can't take this.
- You don't want it?
- Yes, I do, but--
- John.
I choose you.
Only you.
It's yours.
I give this to you.
Now there is a condition.
You mustn't read ahead.
Study the tricks.
You must learn the tricks in order.
Do you promise?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Good evening, sir.
How was your evening?
You would like me to maybe read fortune?
- Oh no, I don't have an--
- I see you have been given this gift.
You don't need me to read fortune.
You now have everything you need
to have all the power you
could ever want.
But it does come with
consequences.
- Welcome to our newest member.
In your hands a unique treasure,
for when it comes to this endeavor,
you are this book's newest possessor.
Passed on and on throughout the years,
encapsulating blood, sweat, and tears.
Stupendous gifts inside this book,
so turn the page and take a look.
Remember what you earlier said,
keep the order, mustn't read ahead.
Learn these tricks and make them slick,
for they will bind you to your bailiwick.
The beginning.
- Well your sister's fighting again.
And I'm like, great, again?
- Of course
you had to step in, you know.
- Well, that's what little sisters do.
They take care of like, the situation.
- So did you hit her or?
- I don't know.
I was just throwing hands.
Whackin' my hands down whenever.
Like, who cares?
Like I don't have a day job or anything
that's gonna like I have to worry about.
- Yeah.
- Sorry to keep you waiting.
What can I do for ya?
- So it was, we went to college.
You know, you can spare a
room and things, you know.
- Oh, yeah.
- But now he's calling me.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, and I just find it weird that
he's calling me for
stuff like, ooh, donuts.
Donuts, cool.
I got you, bro.
Whoa!
Donuts!
Donuts!
Donuts!
Get it, get it, get it!
Woo-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Aw, man!
- I knew I liked this guy.
Oh, boy, I like this guy.
- Yeah, of course, of course.
Oh, that's so good.
- You better get in there.
- Carbs?
No.
- Who?
This guy.
- Hey, you want some donuts?
Donut guy.
- So have you ever tried vegan jerky?
- Ooh, jerky.
- Try some.
- Like brothers.
- Yeah.
- The four brothers.
- Any, any birthday joke or he was
putting on white face paint.
- Illuminati.
- I've never trusted clowns anyway.
- Exactly.
And that's the point.
You're not supposed to trust them
because we know instinctively
that they were probably the Illuminati.
They're controlling the world.
So whenever you hear that clowns
are controlling the world,
it's actually true.
- You ah, you guys want
to see a magic trick?
- A what?
- A what?
- What?
- Is he new?
- Yup.
- What?
- Oh.
- Oh.
- That's cool.
- Yes, every king needs his court jester.
Take a bow.
Really, take a bow.
Now show Emily.
- Hi, Emily.
- Don't be shy, show Emily now.
The real trick was making John disappear.
- The intermediate.
- Clients can see more of the
color spectrons because...
- Hey, new guy.
- What are they talking about?
Shaquille O'Neal's the
only other person I said.
Yeah, oh yeah.
- So I think I'm gonna win
the employee make out contest.
I'm makin' out with Kylie.
Hey, girl.
- Kyle?
- Ew, Kylie.
Check your hearing aid.
- Sorry, sorry, I'm supposed
to get a new one next week.
- You know about this contest
between you and Derek.
I'm sensin' a little sexual
tension between you two.
I think you're tryin' to,
tryin' to drop that rainbow
sweater and try the D, huh?
No?
Listen, if Derek's not available,
I'm all for representing all the Ds if ah,
I could just be there for you.
- I too would like to
offer up my services,
you know, for science.
- Aw, thank you, guys.
But I've actually tried the D,
and that's a hard no.
- So wait, though, I just wanna know.
The D is freely being given out here?
Then is that what's going on?
- Slut.
- Okay.
- What's up, dude?
- Nice shirt, new guy.
- You guys want to see another trick?
- Totally.
- Sure.
- Now, I'm gonna riffle
through the cards like this.
You tell me when to stop, okay?
- Okay.
Stop.
- So there's your card.
Don't show it to me.
But you can show it to them.
I'm gonna fan these out.
You place it back in the deck.
Now let's see if I can find her card.
Now I'll bet you all anything
the next card I turn over
is gonna be your card.
- I'll take that bet.
- Not bad.
- That's awesome.
- Hey, what are you doing tonight?
- Going out with us.
That's what you're doing.
Yeah.
- I don't know.
- Ah, you'd hate it, anyway.
It's gonna be loud and full of a bunch
of cheap sluts and booze.
Kind of like Billie over here.
- It's true, though.
- It is.
- All right, guys, it's that
time to hit the grind again.
Kyle will be pissed.
- Why would Kylie be pissed?
- Kyle!
- Sorry, sorry.
Seriously if it wasn't for that concession
I would be a Kansas City Chief right now.
- See you at the bar.
- Melanie, let's go.
- Coming.
- The controller.
- Ball well, I miss.
- Oh!
- That was awesome!
- Yeah, no, you, no.
- I got you, I got you, I got you.
- No, laying down would be prepared.
- I don't know that to prepare, okay?
All right.
- You have on a beautiful top.
- Beautiful.
- You guys are beautiful.
- You're beautiful people.
- Can we keep her?
Can I keep her?
- I grew a mustache
for you too, wanna see?
What?
Look what you did.
You just chased her.
- Hey, new guy, new guy!
- New guy!
- It's ah, actually John.
- New guy, actually John.
- Hey man, grab a seat, man.
- Hey, how we doin' today?
Can I get you a refill on anything?
- Say ah.
- Ah.
- Woo, woo.
- Shots.
- There you go.
Err!
Down
In the monster's mouth
They go down
Down
In the monster's mouth
They go down
Down
In the monster's mouth
They go down
Down
In the monster's mouth
They go down
Down
In the monster's mouth
They go down
Down
In the monster's mouth
They go down
Down
In the monster's mouth
They go down
Down
In the monster's mouth
They go down
Down
- Hey, John.
I hate to tell you this,
but Kyle said he wants to
see you in the board room.
- Yeah, and he said right now,
and that's never a good sign.
Good luck.
- Kyle?
- Come on in.
Close the door on your way out, Emily.
Did you get a call from me last night?
- No.
- No?
You mean I didn't sleepwalk,
stumble out of bed,
walk over to my pants,
grab my phone and call you?
- Um...
- Um...
- No.
- Maybe I was hallucinating.
Is that what you're saying?
- What?
- Maybe I was trippin' my balls off.
Yeah, I was tripping my
balls off and I thought,
I'll call that dumb motherfucker
who works for me
and tell him he can come in late.
Is that what happened?
Is that what happened?
- I'm sorry.
- You're sorry?
For what?
It sounds like I had the
night of my fucking life,
except wait.
No, none of that happened.
Do you know what did happen, though?
What did happen is I went home last night,
went to bed early,
had boring, obligatory sex with my wife,
and then I drank myself to sleep.
I did not, however, at any time call you
and give you my permission
to come in late.
Did I?
What's that?
- No.
- No, no.
Then what possessed you to
think you could come in late?
- You've got to stop this.
I told you no good would come of this.
I told you!
Oh, God.
You're killing yourself.
Please just stop this.
I can't take it anymore!
Please, just stop.
Just, just make it all go away.
I always thought you were
perfect just the way you were.
Please just stop.
You're sick now, but you'll be okay.
- You think this is about love,
support,
adoration for one's fellow man.
Love.
This isn't about love.
This is about power.
Power.
Those who have it, those who do not.
You, you my friend,
you have had no power in your whole life.
You can't even imagine yourself
as someone who will ever have it.
You now have everything you need
to have all the power you could ever want.
- But there are consequences.
Hey.
Hey!
Hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey!
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Get up and get the fuck out.
- Are you okay?
- Oh, sorry!
- What up, new guy?
- I don't know why you're
there in that situation.
Like we told you again and again.
- Do you want to come over
and watch Orange Is the New Black tonight?
- I mean, I'm here for you.
I'm just the lies you fed me, baby
Voices scream in my ear
- You now have everything you need
to have all the power you could ever want.
I'm just the lies you fed me, baby
Can't you see
- You now have everything you need
to have all the power you could,
all the power you could ever want,
all the power you could ever want.
- But there are consequences.
Consequences.
The monster in me
- Maxamillion
and Vaduny.
Enemy from the bone
- Yes.
- There is power.
There is power.
There is power.
- You must learn the tricks in order.
You promise?
- What the hell?
What the hell?
What the hell?
- Oh.
You just broke my friend's beer.
- Uh, sorry.
- You gonna pay for that?
- Look, I'll buy you
another beer, all right?
- We don't want another beer.
We want two beers.
- Fine, I'll
buy you a couple beers.
I'm just, let me go get 'em for ya.
- Here that, man?
- Look, I don't know what you want.
I'm sorry.
I mean, he threw his beer at me.
I was just walkin' here.
- Am I hearing this right?
Bro.
Are you calling my friend a liar?
- No, I'm just, what do you want?
I'll buy you another beer, I'm sorry.
- I want to hear an
apology with conviction
and feeling so my friend can hear it.
I want to hear an apology.
- Just leave me alone.
- Hey.
Fucktard?
We didn't get our beer.
- How you doin'?
- Yeah, a gin and tonic, please.
- Absolutely, sir.
I'll be right back.
- How's it goin'?
- Fine.
- Fine.
Fine.
You, my friend, do not exactly look fine.
And good drink, by the way.
Dave makes a hell of a gin and tonic.
As long as he uses the good stuff
and doesn't water that shit down.
- Eat my dick!
- Oh-ho-ho.
So, weary traveler.
What is it about the way that you act
that makes me not believe
you when you say you're fine?
- I don't know.
I did some stuff.
- Stuff?
Ah, stuff.
Stuff can be pretty shitty.
I hear you, my friend, I do.
Okay.
Time for a special offer.
Tonight's special offer for you.
You, my good man, get to vent to your new
psychiatrist here, me.
And all for the price of
one of those gin and tonics.
Seriously.
I'm here if you want to vent.
All right, a couple more
gin and tonics, Dave.
So what's got you down?
- Well, I work for a total asshole.
- Ah, work strife.
Power hungry asshole?
- Oh, yeah.
The guy's totally got it in for me.
- Yeah.
Is there anyone you can tell?
- Not really, no one I know.
- Mmm.
Can you tell this guy off?
I mean, just tell 'em to
leave you the hell alone.
- No, I can't, I'm--
- Ah, not your style.
I can see that.
I can tell, you're a
nice guy who just wants
to keep to yourself, right?
And here you got this loser
breathing down your neck.
Shit, man.
That sucks.
I'm sorry.
You know what?
Cheers.
To you.
May you quickly find a way
to deal with this idiot.
- I just feel powerless.
- You now have everything you need to have
all the power you could ever want.
- What did you just say?
- I mean, come on.
You can't let a douchebag
jerk make you feel that way.
- No, no, no, no, I mean, what did you--
- Hey, hey!
- Dude! Dude!
- Yeah, man!
- How is it over there, man?
- Ah, it's great, man.
I got you this.
- Hey, I want you to meet
a new friend of mine.
I never got your name.
- It's John, how do you do?
- Eh, good to meet you, Bob.
- Listen, what did you mean when you said,
wait, wait, wait.
- So I got this promotion there.
- I will, I will
get, I will be right back.
I really gotta hit the head.
I'll be right back.
- Ah, hey, Dave, man!
- Hey, yo!
- Drinks!
- Yeah, shots?
- Yeah, man.
Hook me up.
Let's play what made me sick last.
- Tequila it is.
- Awesome, thanks brother.
So Bob, how'd you meet
my buddy Brian, man?
- Oh, just tonight.
- Just tonight, huh, well.
He's a treasure, man.
I tell ya, that guy, he's solid gold.
Good man.
- That's great.
- I've known this guy for years,
you know what I'm sayin'?
This is like, you ever
have that connection
with somebody, man?
You know, like you just
meet 'em, you're like ah.
- Yeah.
- That's like you're soulmates, man.
It's like, I love you, man.
I tell ya, any friend of
Brian's is a friend of mine.
- Great.
- I know you had to feel
that the same time, too, man.
Here, let me get you a drink.
- No, I'm good, man.
- Oh, man, come on.
Man buys you a drink, you drink up.
Here you go, man.
Don't fret.
Mmm.
Did I tell you, man?
- Ow.
- If you're friends with
Brian, you know what I mean?
That means you're my friend, too, man.
I tell you this, I love you, man.
- Will you get out of here?
- What's goin' on?
- Where's Dan?
- Ah, he left.
But hey, listen.
What did you mean when said--
- What, that's my ride.
I gotta go.
- Okay.
- Hey, it's nice meetin'
ya, see you around.
Don't take any shit from anybody.
- No, wait a minute, what did you--
- Hey, come on!!
- Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Wait, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Shit, shit!
- Houdini
was too big of a man
to come back and shake
insignificant little bells.
- Those are really gorgeous.
Where did you get those?
- I know, right?
My sugar mama.
- Okay, everybody, let's get started
so we can get this done.
Oh, and let's give John
a round of applause
for showing up on time.
- Ah, hey, good job, man.
You really knocked 'em dead.
- Go fly a kite.
- What's up, bro?
- Hi.
- I need you to fill all these out.
- Thank you.
- Super tedious, but, you know.
- Why don't you do it for me?
- New guy.
- Hi, John.
- So you do know my name.
- Of course, you've worked
here for like four years.
Do you know my name?
- Of course, Emily.
- Okay.
It would seem that some
of you need a refresher
course on our company's dating policy.
Anyone who is employed by me is a no-no.
That means to flirting.
No to sex.
No Netflix and chill.
No massage circles.
No bootie calls.
I want to make sure there
is no gray area here.
Do we all understand what we can't
do with each other?
I will make one exception, however,
and that's for John.
I know you and your hand have been
together a long time now and I would
really hat to deny true love.
Am I right?
- So the way we look at it,
if Rick would just stop
going to this website,
we could probably--
- No, this is the one he
told me about, though.
- Yeah, but we can--
- Hey, Billie.
- Hey, guys.
Those are for you, all filled out.
- You filled out my paperwork?
- What?
- Thank you.
- You what?
- I filled out his TPS reports.
- Why did you do that?
- Because...
I don't know.
- Is that Brett?
- Weird.
- Oh my God.
- What?
- Get out of here.
- What is he doing?
- He's flying a kite.
- It's the middle of the
work day and he's flying a kite.
- What the?
- I got this.
- Are you
getting pictures of this?
- You know have everything you need
to have all the power.
- All the power.
- All the power you could ever want.
- All the power you could ever want.
- You think he's tryin' to overcompensate
for somethin' with the
ribbon on that tail?
- Probably.
- That is a really long ribbon.
- Yeah, it's ah--
- I like the
juxtaposition of this scene.
- Somebody
taking pictures of this?
- Okay, so what?
I mean.
It could be, I mean.
Maybe it's just a matter of...
You know?
- No.
- I mean, you hear about
these things all the time.
I mean, it could just be a matter of...
What the?
Well I've been bad before I could crawl
It only got worse when I started to talk
I never cared to listen
I did what I saw
I cared about my guitar
and a girl next door
Seasons changed, years went by
The devil started to
show more in my eyes
Of the smoke I toke
The truancy notes,
Oh it shows up in
every single song I wrote
I like wild women, drinkin' and sinnin'
Oh momma tried, but
that's just the beginnin'
The motels, jail cells, and dingy bars
May look bad if you see
it from a shooting star
I like wild women, drinkin' and sinnin'
Oh, momma tried but
that's just the beginning
Sometimes I wonder
if I would've been good
If daddy hadn't left my neighborhood
Whoa, ho, ho
Whoa, ho, ho
Whoa, ho, ho
- No, no, no, it was the early Iron Age
when the male genome was actually able to
mutate enough to grow hair on the face.
Back me up on this.
You're a history buff, yeah?
- He can't.
- Yeah, early Iron Age.
- No way.
- It was the 600s and
that's when the male face
started growing hair because
that's when the earth,
that is when the earth's temperature--
- Neanderthals had the
ability to grow hair.
Oh, hello.
Speaking of hair.
- We're not talking about,
we're not talking about the modern era.
We're not talking about the modern era.
- Oh my God.
- In these thousands of years
the male genome has gone back in time,
regressed early back to a
time where we don't need it.
- Remember this?
- It's true, it's true.
Which means eventually
time will flip completely
and females will start
growing hair on their face.
- Oh God, I hope not.
- I hope not.
That's why I don't do dudes.
- Not in our children's lifetime.
- I'm not gonna die, I
don't know about you.
I'm living forever.
Oh.
- Hey.
Where's my invitation?
Sit.
You guys are in here having a party?
You don't think I like parties?
I love parties.
I am a party.
- We were just talking.
- Was someone talking to you?
- Sorry.
- You shouldn't talk to her like that.
- Excuse me?
- She's a good person.
You should treat her with respect.
Now you're telling me how
to talk to my employees?
I own her.
- No you don't.
- I own her.
I own you.
I own everyone in here.
Now get the fuck out.
I have something I want
to discuss with Emily.
This doesn't concern you.
Stay the fuck back.
Take one more fuckin' step and I will
break her fuckin' arm.
- Please, just don't.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Please stop hurting her.
- Is this what you want?
You want that fuckin', pathetic
piece of shit over there?
Is that what you fuckin' want?
You two stay the fuck away from each other
or next time I'll break it the fuck off.
Now get the fuck out.
- I'm sorry.
- Daddy wants to make up.
- Just go, John.
- I said get the fuck out!
- New guy!
- Have you seen Kyle?
- I have seen, in fact, yes.
How she could, everywhere.
- Oh, I know.
- Every day, though, too.
I mean I guess she's
getting paid nice, but.
- Yeah, I mean, I don't
know how money there is.
Kill Kyle
Kill Kyle
- Kyle.
Kyle. Kyle
Kyle.
Kyle. Kyle
Ky, Kyle.
Kylie.
Kylie. Kylie
Kylie.
Kylie. Kylie
- Oh my goodness, you scared me.
Men can't live on bread alone
Sometimes you gotta tear the meat
From the bone
Tear the meat
From
The
Bone
Can't run away from
The thoughts I've had
Evil voice screams in my head
Voices scream in my head
And just the lies you fed me
Baby
I'm just an old
Dead memory
Nobody knows
Just what I am
Beast inside
Of me
Fed me, baby
Old dead memories
Baby
Can't you see
Monster
- So how are the both of you doing
after such awful things
have happened here?
- Uh, I'm okay.
- It's been pretty crazy.
- Yes, tragic.
So the reason you're both here.
This is business and well,
the show must go on.
John, you've been here for
four years, haven't you?
- Yes, I have.
- And you know, John, your work has been
consistently good through that whole time.
And Emily you've been
here for a year, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, let's get to it.
John, how would you
like to run this branch
from this point forward?
You've got the experience and
you're a good, solid person.
And I'd like Emily to work
alongside you, as well,
so that way you could teach her the ropes.
And eventually we can
get her into management.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Yeah, okay, yeah.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
- So do the two of you think you'll
work well together?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well he keeps diesel in my tractor
And a big old pile of
wood there by the fire
He keeps the strings on my guitar
Gasoline in my car
He's always checkin' out my tires
Well he keeps the sugar for my coffee
Yeah, he even keeps
real butter for my toast
Keeps some money in the bank
A little whiskey in my drink
- Too much booze.
And he knows the kind I love most
'Cause he's a keeper
Yeah, my baby couldn't get any sweeter
You know he's the buzz in my beeper
- Hey, guys, how you guys doing?
I'm Denny, I'm going to be
your server this evening.
Can I start you guys off
with a cocktail or wine?
- I think we want a bottle
of the Belagio Chianti.
- Awesome, excellent choice.
Have you seen the back right there?
You'll see our specials this evening,
so you can go ahead and look at that
while I get you you're wine.
- Excellent, thank you.
- All right, I'll be right back.
Full of fun and laughter
But he keeps me right on track
Knows just where to rub my back
Gonna keep him happy
- That'll be coming out of your paycheck.
- All right, here we go.
Do you guys need some more time
or are you guys ready to order?
- Emily?
- Yeah, I think I'm ready.
I'll have the pasta with eggplant
and just a side salad with
the vegan vinaigrette.
- Awesome, and for you, sir?
- You know what?
That sounds better than
what I was going to get,
so I will have the same.
Thank you.
- Yeah, definitely.
You won't have any food envy.
- Right.
He's a keeper
My baby couldn't get any sweeter
- Maybe if you weren't so dense, Dennis,
then you could keep up with the activities
of this restaurant.
I'm takin' him home, he's a keeper
Goodnight, everybody.
See ya next week.
- Hey, guys.
I'm really, really sorry,
but the chef just informed me that
they're running really
low on the eggplant,
so I was just wondering if by any chance
we can substitute it with
some mixed vegetables
for your pasta?
- Oh, sure, that's fine.
- Are you sure?
Thank you, I'm so sorry for the bother.
- No problem.
- Appreciate it.
Hey guys, once again
I'm so sorry about that.
I brought you guys some
of our house bread.
- Ah, it's fine, it's fine.
Denny, I have a question for you.
Do you like magic?
You look at me with your bright eyes
And I know everything's all right
Just by the way you look tonight
I can get through everything
I can get through this horror
I can fall madly in love with you
Time is runnin' out
and time is runnin' out
And time is runnin' out they say
Time is runnin' out
and time is running out
And time is floating away
I was hesitant from the start
I didn't want you to break my heart
But now I get that I'm
supposed to be with you
I've fallen so hard
Right from the very start
How am I doing so far
Please don't break my heart
Time is runnin' out
and time is runnin' out
And time is runnin' out they say
Time is runnin' out
and time is runnin' out
And time is falling away
Time is falling so slow they say
Time is falling away
They say, they say, they say
I've fallen for your heart
Right from the very start
And I can't wait to
share my love with you
Cause we are destined to be
We are destined to be
Madly in love, in love,
in love, in love, in love
Time is runnin' out
and time is runnin' out
And time is runnin' out they say
Yes, time is runnin' out
and time is runnin' out
And time is falling away
Time is runnin' out
and time is runnin' out
And time is runnin' out they say
Yes time is runnin' out
and time is runnin' out
And time is falling away
Time is falling so slow they say
Time is falling away
They say, they say, they say