Bal-Can-Can (2005) Movie Script

Gennaro... Shhh, Gennaro!
What's up, Carlo?
- A new guy just came in.
There, next to the
I'm not Norwegian,
I'm Swedish!
And who's that?
- I don't know. Ask him.
Maybe he doesn't
understand Italian.
Look at his feet...
They look Spanish to me.
Shhh, Spanish guy...
Obrigado, hey! Obrigado...
"Obrigado" is a Portuguese
word, guys.
He's one of ours!
Hello, guys. It's a bit stuffy
in here...
Anybody got a cigarette?
No, smoking is not
allowed here!
He got you, he, he...
And how do you intend to
smoke, Carlo?
Hey, unknown... What's
your name?
Hello, Santino.
We're Italians,
those guys there are
The one next to you is
Knut the Dan...
I am Swedish!
Well, whatever! Then Kurt
the German...
Then sergeant John...
Thanks, guys. Where are
we, anyway?
This is a fridge. This is
where they store us, the
dead people, in these
Oh, fuck! - Hey, Santino,
how come they labelled
you "unknown"? - We all
have our ending, boys:
Some die from old
age, others from tumours,
I died because of my blood
Your blood bro' killed
you, eh?
No, I got killed because of
the son of the blood bro' of
my father... Ah, it's all
very complicated!
Use your own words,
Ok, then! My story begins
a long time ago,
in Macedonia. Do you
know what Macedonia is?
Sure! It's a kind of salad.
Carlo! How can a person
be born in a salad?
"Macedonia" is the brand
of cigarettes that
Monica Bellucci smokes in
You don't know shit, guys.
Macedonia is a country,
down in the Balkans. Let's
start from the beginning.
Some fifty years ago...
After the Second World War,
Macedonia was a part of
Tito's Yugoslavia. Very
important historical period,
ruling of the proletariat... all
ideology, you know? Quite a
limited environment for a
dynamic young man
like my father Vitomir.
His blood brother Seraphim
was his best friend.
Vitomir and Seraphim were
like Little Caesars:
They dressed better than
Fred Buscaglione,
and boxed harder that
Rocky Marciano.
When they showed up to
parties, they immediately
broke the girls' hearts...
and also the jaws of their
jealous boyfriends!
Those were poor times, but even
poor people like to dress up.
Vitomir and Seraphim
started to make profit from
this human weakness, buying
goods in Italy and selling
them for five times their
price in Yugoslavia.
But the Yugoslav customs
showed no understanding
for their business
Anything to declare?
Well, personal luggage,
reference books...
Small stuff!
- Small stuff, yeah.
Down on your knees!
The search for easy money
against the limitations
imposed by the law
led these talented young men
to embrace their destiny:
Shefket Ramadani!
Good job, money easy.
Train arrive Friday.
In Dubrovnik get shipped on
Two hundred twenty
box! And in Dubrovnik:
My guards, my people, my
policeman, my engineer...
nobody touch you. We split
Why fifty-fifty, eh?
Why not in thirds?
Why? Why because
fucking shit why!
Whattya got?
- Two pairs.
Me better. Straight.
That's why!
Fucking why...
Can ya see anythin', bro'?
I can see shit, bro'.
Well, fuck it.
Watch the wire, bro'!
They've turned on
the electricity.
Wanna play hard, eh?
Fuckin' bastards!
Gimme them pliers.
Don't have 'em, bro'...
- So fuck ya, bro'...
So fuck me, bro', I didn't
bring them.
Never mind, bro'. I'll lift it
up and we'll go under.
Ready, set, go...
Hold on, bro'!
Don't give up, bro',
I beg ya!
Fuckin' commies!
Eh, we should be stealin'
in America...
...even the electricity is less
powerful there.
Less powerful, ya say?
Eh, that West...
Is this the carriage, bro'?
Got no idea, bro', guess so.
- Gimme the crowbar, bro'!
Don't have it, bro', didn't
bring it.
Sorry to say this, bro', but
you're a real piece of...
Halt! You've been caught
in the act of stealing the
property of the Yugoslav
People's Army.
Better surrender, you're
Beat it, bro'!
- Get lost, bro'!
Comrade soldiers, fire!
We're screwed...
- Run to the sea!
Unleash the dogs, soldiers!
Wait for me, bro'!
I'll wait for ya on
the shore, bro'...
Don't waste the bullets!
Catch them alive!
Please wait for me, bro'...
Show some character, bro'...
Argh! Ya wanna play hard,
Hold on, bro'!
Don't give up!
That evening, while the
laments of his blood brother
Seraphim echoed in the night,
my father Vitomir
swam across the entire
Adriatic Sea,
with his eyes
full with tears...
The next day he swam
into Bari
and applied for asylum
in Italy.
Name and surname?
- Vito.
Don Vito... Genovese.
In Italy Vitomir continued to
pursue intellectual goals:
He worked as a gigolo,
smuggled cigarettes, fixed
football games, he built
himself a solid career,
got married... But never, not
even in the last moments
of his life, did he forget his
blood brother.
Santino, my son... My life is
coming to its end...
But don't you ever forget
what Pat O'Brien says
in the movie "Angels
With Dirty Faces"...
"Let us pray for the boy
who couldn't run
as fast as I could"...
That also goes for my blood
brother Seraphim...
I heard he died,
a few years ago...
But he has a son...
If you ever find that your
little blood brother
is in trouble,
help him!
Yes, daddy! I give you
my word!
Of course, I completely
forgot about the promise
I made my father. I moved to
Rome, as a real Roman,
and opened a nightclub,
a fancy place.
Until one day,
my phone rang...
- Good afternoon.
May I speak to Santino
That day, for the first time in
my life, I heard the voice
of Trendafil Karanfilov.
- Who's Trendafil Karanfilov?
Trendafil is the son of the
blood brother Seraphim,
born out of wedlock between
Seraphim and an anonymous
female prisoner serving a
life sentence.
On the day of his birth, with a
sudden attack Israel declared
war to Egypt, Syria, Jordan
and Iraq.
By chance or not, little
Trendafil was born on the
day when a war began... and
wars shall mark
his entire existence!
Trendafil grew up in an
orphanage. His guardians
believed that watching war
movies best hardens the
child's spirit. But while all
the other children had fun,
little Trendafil was scared to
Children, today we shall learn
the letter "A".
"A" is the first letter of our alphabet...
That feeling of fear
developed in the years that
followed: On his first day at
school, General Augusto
Pinochet carried out a military
coup in Chile.
Trendafil! Don't tempt me!
He graduated when the civil
war in Nicaragua began...
Turn off the TV, you ass!
...He met the love of his life
on the day when
the conflict in Slovenia and
Croatia began...
...His first day at work was
the day when
the war in
Bosnia began...
...He got married when
NATO attacked Serbia...
As years went by, the gap
between wars
got smaller and smaller.
Deep down inside, he was
afraid. Deep inside
his heart, Trendafil was
preparing for war!
Until that spring, 2001...
During the day, the Albanian
terrorists have
been opening fire at the
special forces of the
Macedonian army and police,
all over the
front-line declared as the
"free territory of Albanians in
Supposedly these terrorist
groups have been
entering Macedonia through
illegal crossings from Kosovo,
however the origin of
their heavy artillery remains
unknown. The fighting
is approaching
the suburbs of the
Macedonian capital...
Oh, dear!
You really are driving
me crazy...
Why won't you open
the door?
If I were able to get up, I'd be
outside with a machinegun!
You're not missing much...
They've been shooting all
day long, but haven't shot
anything yet!
You've been trying
to walk again, eh?
He took my remote control...
- Oh, for God's sake, mother!
He took my remote, and he's
been watching
documentaries about animals
all day. While outside
patriots get killed, your
husband is watching
giraffes in Africa. Moron!
Did you take your pills
this morning?
If your father were alive, he
would have instantly died
of shame! Thank you Lord,
for taking him in time.
Mother, Trendafil is a
peaceful person...
You don't say? Then why did
he marry an Army Officer's
daughter, if he's so
afraid of wars?
If he had the balls...
he would have given you five
children by now!
Trendafil, give her the
remote... Trendafil!
Come on, give it back...
- What a moron, tsk, tsk, tsk...
Let go of it... Let go, I said...
If this schmuck gets you
you'll have a crocodile!
- Let go! Let go, you fucking...
Don't beg, hit the bastard!
Hell, mama! Do you have
any idea how expensive
food is in wartime?
Give me those eggs...
Give them!
Make him give me the
remote first!
Trendafil, give her the
remote, you assholes,
you're gonna fuck up
my bloody nerves!
Look, even the neighbours
are complaining...
You'll both pay for this!
Jango the Soap!
- Jango the Soap?
Now you're fucked,
my little son-in-law...
Come in, Jango...
Jango, come!
Hey, Jango!
Come in, Jango boy...
Keep quiet, for
heaven's sake!
Oh, Jango?
Oooh, Ruza...
How are you?
Oh, just doing some house
work... And how about you?
Doing my job, Ruza.
- Really? - Yeah...
And when did you get out of
Oh, that's past, Ruza.
I'm a volunteer now.
Everything for the fatherland!
- Right, well done.
By the way... Trendafil?
Is he at home?
Trendafil... has gone
to a spa.
Is he there to cure his...?
No, he isn't
- Well then?
He took my mother
to the spa.
Granny Zumbula is ill?
- Spondylosis.
Uh-huh... Anyway, Ruza, I've
got this little letter for
Trendafil: An invitation for
military therapy, heh, heh...
Reservist. He has to call in
by Monday.
It's no use, Jango, he won't be
back by Monday.
But he'll have to come back
sometime, Ruza...
He can't hide forever!
Ah, Ruza, Ruza...
Eh, Jango...
So, you'll see Trendafil
when he comes back,
and you can settle things with
him... some time.
I'll see him for sure, Ruza.
It's easy now...
It's war.
Well then, Jango.
- Well then, Ruza...
Spondylosis, eh?
Stop, you cunt of a deserter,
I'm gonna kill you!
Trendafil, don't provoke me,
you'll make me go
back to prison,
I swear you will!
Now you're dead,
you fag!
Freemason pussy!
It's not safe. Jango
waits in ambush in the elevator.
He bribed the housekeeper
into mining the basement.
There's no way you can get
away from him!
Some policemen came
they want you for the police
reserve troops.
I told them to make
arrangements with
the army, either here
or there...
They tried to pull a fast one
on me: If you got killed l
would get two military
pensions instead of one!
What's up now?
I can't take it any more, Ruza.
If they catch me I won't even
make it to the front line...
I'll die on the road...
Come on, this war won't last
long... we just have to
hide for a bit. If we leave
early in the morning,
we'll be in Bulgaria
in an hour.
What do you mean Bulgaria?
- On the Black Sea.
The tourist season is about to
begin there, we'll get jobs
on the black labour market...
you as a bartender,
me as a waitress,
mama will help out...
What do you mean, mama?
You ruthless animal!
You would leave mama here
to get bombed
by the mujahedins,
you scoundrel!
She's an old woman, she'll
forget something
plugged in, she'll
burn down the flat,
you retarded vermin!
- Bulgaria!
Ruza, my child, where are
we going so early?
To the sea, mommy,
to the sea.
The sea, love? And what about
your good-for-nothing loser?
Let's send him to the
Army first,
maybe a grenade will
kill him, no?
Don't say that, mama,
it's a pity.
A pity, why? I say, from my
mouth into God's ears!
Ruza, my child...
There he is!
- Quiet, mama, quiet!
Hell, quiet! Where's Jango?
Jango! Jango, come!
Shhh! Quit it!
- Where are you, Jango!
Jango, come! Jango, boy!
- Be quiet, mama, be quiet!
Jango, where are you,
Jango, where are you,
Wake up, Jango!
Now you're fucked,
Now you're fucked...
And so, my blood brother
began his journey East,
towards the rising sun... As
Alan Bourdillion Traherne
said in one western: "Over
the mountains of the Moon,
and through the valley of the
shadow, he rides,
boldly rides, until he finds
El Dorado".
And what happened next,
Santino? - Did they make it?
Well, it was a close call, but
then nature decided to play
its part. That spring was
unusually hot. Veeeery hot...
original traditional handicrafts
The engine. Looks like the
engine has overheated!
I'm cold. - Oh, please, you're
such a child.
Why didn't you say so, we
would've stopped...
I was hot. - Oh, is that so?
And now you're not?
Now I'm cold.
- Cold? In this heat?
Oh, come on, mother,
don't screw with me...
"...check diphthongs."
Where could those
diphthongs be?
I gave her two valiums.
- For her stool?
No, for the nerves.
- Oh, yeah...
Oh, it's so hot. The air
is heavy...
Hey, here it is: "...check the
pressure in the valves
of the internal combustion
We'll be there by tonight.
Wow, I haven't seen the
sea in seven years.
Nowadays even the seas aren't
as safe as they used to be,
Russians with submarines
everywhere... clutch...
If we find jobs,
we can stay longer.
Mom's nerves might settle down...
Maybe you'll get better, too.
The sea air has healing powers.
- For my ulcer?
I'm not talking about your
ulcer. I'm talking about...
- Oh, that...
If I could choose, I'd have
twins. I'd do that maybe
five or six more times,
until I've had enough.
Damn you're clumsy!
Here, take this towel,
come on.
And go get mama, we
should be going!
Ruza sent me,
to take you to the car.
Granny Zumbula?
Look, I'll take you now,
very carefully,
but don't resist, okay?
Well... she looks dead to me!
She's dead, very dead.
What was her name?
- Zumbula (Hyacinth).
Zumbula... Like the flower,
hyacinth? - Yes.
Zum-bu-la... And the
lady is...?
Her daughter, my wife.
I'm asking for her name.
- Ah, the name... Ruza (Rose).
Also like the flower?
- Well, yes... Like a rose.
Okay, Ru-za...
And you are...
Trendafil (Rosebud).
Also... flower?
- Also!
And your last name?
- Karanfilov (Flowerson).
Okay... if you say so!
And the certificate?
- What?
The death certificate,
stating that she's dead.
Ah, that certificate? Eh,
Karanfilov, Karanfilov...
And how am I supposed to
know that she's really dead?
But you just said
she looked dead.
Well, of course she does,
how can she not look dead...
But what if she's in a coma
and then wakes up?
Well, we could wait,
but I doubt...
And you, how come you're
so persistent?
All I want is the certificate,
so that we can bury her...
And who's to say you didn't
cut her throat?
Cut her throat?
- Hypothetically speaking.
Excuse me, officer, but I'm an
unemployed worker...
Sure, I believe you, but put
yourself in my shoes.
There has to be a procedure:
The doctors must come,
examine her, confirm
that she's dead,
and then give you the
certificate... That's it!
And now? Where will I find
you those doctors now?
Don't go to the village
everyone is a dentist there.
Try downtown.
And have a nice time
by the sea!
The door!
Good afternoon.
Dupuytren contracture...
from bending of the
palmar aponeurosis.
Vaginal cytology...
Say "Pharyngoesophageal
Take your clothes off!
Actually, doctor, I'm here
for something else...
I studied medicine and
natural sciences, sacrificed
three decades of my life in
order to save myself from
primitive creatures trying to
place themselves above
the level of their own
Outside, in the little pigsty
you call your home,
you can make decisions,
give orders,
but in here: You are mine.
Take off your underpants!
- I can.
Doctor, I'm not really
comfortable with this...
Me neither.
Got any children?
Does it hurt?
- No.
Does it burn?
- No.
Does it itch?
- A little bit.
It's good. - Is it
really good, doctor?
Good. No side effects.
Enlargement is not a
risky surgery, but it requires
sexual abstinence
We'll slice it a little...
- Slice what?
Your penis. In order to
extend it, I have to slice it!
No, doctor, please,
I'm here for the granny.
What granny?
For a sex change?
No... Look doctor. My granny
Zumbula. She's dead.
Did you notify
the police?
Sure I did. They
referred me to you...
Yes, but I'm a gynaecologist.
Go to the city council.
I can't go there, doctor. She
was a foreign citizen.
Go to your embassy, then!
Doctor, have some
understanding for my
misfortune. I'm a political
Aren't we all?
Tell them that doctor
Safarafov sent you.
Doctor Safarafov sent me...
Where's the document
from the cemetery?
What cemetery?
- For elephants!
Where are you going
to bury her?
Well... Wherever you
say, we will...
Then you need a receipt
for a purchased grave.
What purchased grave?
Trying to pull a fast one
on me, aren't you?
First I give you a
certificate, and then you
people bury yourselves in
gardens and basements,
just to save some money.
Well, that won't work!
It won't work!
No use in begging, why didn't
you make a reservation
in time? - It's not like we
planned it, the granny was a
foreigner, just passing through.
Oh, great! We have no
space for our own folks,
and now we even have
to bury foreigners!
We don't wish to impose,
it just happened...
But there's no space,
buddy! No free space!
This is a cemetery,
not "McDonald's"!
You have to make a
reservation before hand... Ouch!
Hey, be careful, man!
The other day they brought
in a guy, died in a car crash.
I buried him together
with another guy
who died from a heart attack.
The relatives complained:
How could I bury him with
a total stranger? I said:
Now they have all the time
in the world, they'll get
acquainted. What can I do
when there's no space?
And how about burning her?
The crematorium
doesn't work!
We called the repairmen
two weeks ago,
and we're still waiting
for them.
There must be some
Two, gimme two...
To get myself some beer.
- Is that so?
Now look: We're planning to
rent another two acres.
I'll put you on the waiting list.
If it happens,
you'll be first in line!
- No, not me, the granny.
All same to me!
Call me, okay?
Okay... Hey, when
should I call you?
Well, either June or July.
There are procedures
for everything. First we have
to get permission from
the land registration office,
then we have to go to the city
council, in the end we have to
notify the police...
This is a modern country, there
are procedures for everything!
She started to smell...
At the restaurant they told
me they won't give us
any more ice... They need
it for the customers.
Want a beer?
Well, gimme one.
- Here, it'll refresh you.
May God rest her soul!
- God rest her soul...
Oh, mother, mother...
- Ruza! I have an idea!
It's so cheap, Ruza! For
every three carpets you
buy, you get a free
- Put it down.
I made sure it matched
the curtains...
Which curtains? - The ones
in our living room.
Which curtains? - The ones
in our living room.
You don't think we'll
throw it away?
We paid money for it...
Well, it's nice.
- Of course it's nice.
With ethnic motifs. Do
you know how much a
carpet like this would
cost in America?
God help us now!
Take her from the head.
She wasn't so heavy
when she was alive.
Maybe she soaked up
some of the water...
What do you think she is,
a sponge? Put her down!
It's a shame for the carpet.
We should have squeezed
out the water first...
- It's hot, she'll dry out.
Take that side!
Hey, are you sure about this?
- It's too late to turn back
now. C'mon, ready,
steady, go?
Steady, ready, go!
- Oh, c'mon, wrap!
Another 20 kilometres to
the border. When you
get home, go straight to
the hospital!
Get the certificate,
buy the coffin,
organize the funeral,
if anyone asks for a bribe
bribe him, of course!
When you're home,
everything is easier.
- And what about you?
I'm not coming back
until the war is over.
You'll have to cross the
border without me.
Take it easy! Don't get
nervous! Just act normal,
like we're acting normal
at this minute!
What if they
unwrap the carpet?
Don't worry, I have a plan
for everything!
Check how much money
we have left?
Bulgarian or German?
- Both. We'll buy
meat, cans, dairy products...
We'll fill the entire trailer!
- Geez!
The customs officers will
think you're
smuggling food. They'll all
be looking inside the
trailer, no one will look at
the carpet!
You know something?
- Huh?
You weren't like this before...
Now you're somehow...
more determined.
It's the war, honey. I saw this
program on TV once,
they said that when a man
faced death, something like
an instinct suddenly
woke up inside him...
Survival instinct, you mean.
- Yeah, yeah, that's it.
Well. Makes sense to me.
Bastards! Half of this stuff is
past its "use by" date...
So what. These
days everyone is afraid of
the mad cow disease.
And if you're carrying
bad food, no one will
ever ask about...
...the carpet!
- Oh, mama!
Damn Bulgarians!
They've stolen the carpet!
You murderer!
You'll send us all
to our graves!
I'll listen to you once,
and this is what happens...
You monster!
Mother was right, we should
have turned you over to
Jango the Soap, to be
court-martialled, you animal!
Go ahead, cry, just keep on
crying! You'll do whatever
it takes to find mom!
If you want to kill me,
kill me on the spot...
Where could I find your
mother now?
Stolen things are where
the thieves are, that's where.
But you're such a schmuck,
they'll steal you, too!
You can't just do that on
your own.
Your late father, Seraphim...
- Don't even mention him!
...he used to tell stories about
his friend in Italy,
some rascal that could sell
his own mother...
Vitomir. But he's dead.
- Yes, but he had a son...
What was his name?
Santino Genovese.
That's right!
If we want justice, we must
go to Don Genovese!
- Good afternoon.
May I speak to...
- May I speak to.
May I speak to Santino
That very moment, I heard
the terrible voice of the past!
"Santino... Help your little
blood brother
if he's ever in trouble..."
I am Santino Genovese, the
son of the late Vitomir.
I came to pay off an old debt.
The essence of every suspense
action, bro', is to keep cool.
Like Jackie Chan in "Shanghai
Noon", or Dolph Lundgren
in "Red Scorpion"...More
salt! Or the blond chick
in "The Texas Chainsaw
Massacre", get it?
What's he saying?
- Just a moment...
Ah, here it is: Chainsaw!
- What about Chainsaw?
Chainsaw, that's it, chainsaw,
bravo! So, no panic.
What are we looking for?
A granny inside a stolen
carpet? Okay, no problem!
Where do we look for stolen
carpets? In a supermarket?
Don't be ridiculous, bro'.
The stolen stuff is where the
stolen stuff dealers are.
And who works with the
stolen-stuff dealers?
Everybody knows: The Pope!
Just a moment...
Hello, Pope? Ciao, Sonny
here, Vito's boy.
How are you? Celebrating?
Your brother is out on parole?
His bro' is a paedophile.
He traded on the internet
with stolen credit cards.
What a son of a bitch!
That's great, give him
my congratulations!
Listen, Pope, I need some
information: Who runs the
stolen furniture business
in Southeast Europe?
Wait a second...
Uh-huh... And what's
the address?
You sure? No, I'm not in
a mess, just helpin' out...
I'm just helpin'...
Papa, don't preach!
Thanks, Pope,
you're a dogma!
Dirty motherfucker...
Have you ever heard of
some Greek guy named...
...what the fuck is his name...
Can't have strong lights.
Because of eyes.
Live with blinds down.
Sleep during day,
do business night.
Like Batman, he, he...
So, you search carpet, eh?
And something in carpet.
And what in carpet?
Don't want say me, eh?
I have bathroom tiles.
Italian tiles. Very pretty.
Madam could put
tiles instead carpet.
Tiles, tiles, tiles...
So, you want carpet only?
Why, is that carpet fly?
Homer jokes.
Aha, fish tank!
Want to buy fish tank?
Very pretty. All glass.
Gold fish swim.
Ouch! Easy, bro'...
- Sorry, bro'...
Wait, wait, wait! I know
everything about carpet...
Carpet brought one
Romanian, lousy player,
steals cheep stuff
And carpets no good,
don't sell...
Wait, wait, wait! In my
job technique is: Keep good
stuff, ship out bad stuff.
Carpet shipped out.
Where to? - To Belgrade,
the Serbia. Have business
partner there, powerful
man, great man,
holds territory from Danube
to Drina... Carpet there.
You listen to me, Ruza,
and go back home.
This is a man's job. Blood
brother! - Oh, Bro'...
Do you know what
Chucky Chelmer says
in "The Last Cowboy"?
Let's ride!
Okay, you'll translate later!
Belgrade in Serbia.
Guys, I'm no innocent
Little Red Riding Hood,
but that city is stranger
that the strangest forest.
The misery and
glory of a former empire!
While two gorillas
were touching my balls,
I'd the feeling that perhaps
old Homer had set us up...
...but I was wrong!
Told you, man, I'm not lying
I don't carry guns,
it's not my style...
Where's your boss?
Mr. Veselin will
receive you later.
At the moment he's busy
with his afternoon jogging.
Tell them that they've
come to the wrong place...
Mr. Veselin says you've
come to the wrong place...
Tell them that this
is not a tavern,
but the honest home
of an honest man.
He says that this
isn't a tavern,
but the honest home
of an honest man...
It's true that I am
Veselin Kabadajich,
but it's not true that
I'm a carpet dealer.
It's true that his name
is Veselin Kabadajich,
but it's not true that
he deals with carpets!
- Carpets...
I'm a serious Serbian
businessman, I publish
one... No, two daily
newspapers and two
magazines, I own a
TV and a radio station,
I have two factories,
one for packaging,
the other for meat products...
He's a serious Serbian
businessman, he publishes
three daily newspapers
and two magazines,
he owns a TV and a
radio station, he has two...
C'mon, faster, faster!
- He has two factories, one
for packaging and the
other for meat products!
And what's this fucking carpet?
What would I want a
carpet for, I could have
millions of carpets, fuck you
and your fucking carpets!
Am I right?
- Right, right.
And you know what? Tell
him not to fuck with me,
'cause I could kill
him on the spot,
or I'll call the police! - And
he's warning you not to
fuck with him, he's an
emotional person and he'll
kill you on the spot,
or he'll call the police!
You can choose!
Well... better police, then.
- Get the fuck out of here!
Calm down.
Let's talk about it, eh?
Tell your boss that Santino
Genovese is not a dickhead.
I have friends who keep me
informed, so it's no use
trying to fool me. Tell him,
I know that he's hiding
from the new government
because of his involvement
in organized crime, I know
that he fucked up in the
Balkan Wars, and I know
that an international
warrant for war crimes
has been issued on him.
He says that he has friends
who keep him informed...
And he knows, errr... that
you were in Srebrenica...
Shut your trap!
That's what the times were
like. Hungry bums on one
side, and piles of
money on the other.
And then what? Leave
the money to the bums?
Do you think I'm crazy?
As for the war thing...
First of all, it's not true!
And second - if it were
true, they provoked us!
Am I right or not?
- Right, always right!
Right, of course! And if I've
killed somebody, I've done
it by accident, and
always for my people!
And when the bastards
come to take me to Hague,
my people will defend me.
I've had this printed in
1 0.000 copies. I'm going
to organize spontaneous
demonstrations. I'll make a
minefield in front of this
house! I'm going to
mine myself if I have to!
I didn't make this fortune
to spend it in jail, clear?
I have nothing to do with
your carpet. You think l
made my millions by
stealing carpets? Look!
Stolen cars - one million.
Saving houses with
pyramid interest rates -
two million. Smuggled
cigarettes - three million.
Forged foreign currencies,
false Schengen visas,
secret transportation of
Arabs into the EU countries...
Homer said that he had
sent our carpet to you.
Homer is full of shit!
Know what? I'll kill
him when I see him!
I'm a merchant: Buy here,
sell there. I didn't even
open Homer's truck,
just shipped it further...
Further, where?
- To Montenegro!
But you never heard
this from me, get it?
But why to Montenegro,
shit? - Because Italy is on
the other side, and they
ship the merchandise via
sea to your Rome,
because all shit leads
to Rome. That's why!
- Right, right!
And who the fuck are you?
Karanfilov Trendafil.
Krfl... Listen, you Karanfil,
why is that carpet
so damn important?
- There's a granny inside it.
You have a granny
wrapped in the carpet?
Well, it kind of happened...
He, he, you mother fuckers...
And then they call me
a war criminal, he, he...
Eh, ya see?
C'mon, get out of
here... or your granny will
take a tour around the
Colosseum, he, he...
It's OK, they're free to go.
Oh, fuck!
Hello? Hello, Ruza...
We're going to the sea.
What do you want me
to bring you? Hello?
Okay, the carpet,
but besides that carpet,
is there anything
else you want?
She really likes seashells.
- Ruza, eh?
- Romance.
- Not Milano-mance.
Not Napoli-mance.
Hallo? Listen, I'll call
you from the beach, okay?
Great! Like the beaches
of Haliakaloa.
Fog. I've been afraid of the
fog ever since I was a little
boy. I used to believe that
ghosts lived in the fog...
They said that the King
of the ghosts was called
Karaconjool, and his wife
was Kurawella... Childish stuff!
Shhh! - Don't shhh me,
it's all true!
Be quiet!
With this kiss I swear
there'll be no evil blood
between us. On my
honour, good name, and
faith inside me. Amen.
So, honour, name, faith
inside me, amen...
Your turn, man!
Hell! They don't
know the password!
Please, don't! Don't, for
God's sake... - God's sake!
God is for friends,
a bullet is for enemies.
What are you?
- Macedonians!
Macedonians, eh? I had
this chick over there...
This... Samantha.
Do you know her?
- Samantha, Samantha!
Kill him, he doesn't know!
- Answer clearly and precisely:
Do you work for Teddy
Bear? Yes or no?
- No!
Look, we're here for the
carpet... To bargain for...
Oh, you want a bargain?
Why didn't you say so,
you almost got killed...
Lower your guns, reveal
the merchandise...
These are customers!
Here it is: Pure heroin,
first class cocaine, LSD, ecstasy,
...If you want something
lighter, I have some
smooth hashish, a dead
mouth could smoke it!
Here, see for yourself!
- Thanks, I don't smoke.
C'mon, it's never
too late to start.
Okay, then...
It's good, isn't it?
- It's a bit strong.
But we're here for
something else...
We're looking for a carpet.
- A carpet?
A carpet! From Belgrade,
for the floor...
To be honest, this one
is wrapped up,
but it's still a carpet...
Go ahead, you tell him...
Carpet. Granny.
- That's it, bravo!
There's a granny in it.
- A granny?
A dead granny. - Gra-nny.
Gimme a smoke...
Totally wrapped up granny!
What's the
word for "wrapped"?
How the fuck should
I know, gimme the weed...
Rolled! Rolled in the
middle of the carpet.
Oh, fuck! Have you been
putting mushrooms
in our hashish again?
Hello? Teddy Bear,
is that you?
Fuck your daddy, Teddy!
Where the fuck are those
fuckin' boats? Never mind
that I'm waiting, fuck me,
but the clients in
Rotterdam are waiting!
The carpet! - Hey, Bear,
wait! Do you happen to have
some kind of carpets?
Don't have any?
There aren't any, fuck it!
Hey you, hurry up, a police
patrol could show up...
- Thanks, bro'!
I don't care if they
confiscate it, but the
bastards will resell
it for a lower price, get it?
Punisha, get your ass
down to the sea, and wait
for Teddy Bear.
- Savo? Savo! - Eh?
I know where the carpet is.
- Where?
When we were trading with the
Tsutsi clan, during the raid...
...there was a Bosnian there,
buying carpets for
his dusk... I mean,
his mosque.
Wow, Blindy is right!
The one from Chaprljane!
Yeah! - The carpet you're
looking for could be there.
- Chaprljane!
Japprljane, yeah...
It's up there, in Bosnia,
South of Sarajevo.
Cool, it's Punisha!
It's a patrol!
Chepprljaneh, Chaprljane,
Run away, brave men!
What the fuck did
you smoke? Napalm?
Slow down, bro'...
- Get in the car! Step on it!
Savo, save yourself!
No way! I'm not leaving it
to the enemy!
Hey, it's the police! - What
police, they're murderers!
Step on it! Step on it!
My goods!
I'm ruined...
Wait, brother! Wait!
Oh my, oh my,
I'm a black cuckoo,
Oh my, oh my,
I'm a black cuckoo,
Oh my, oh my,
I'm a black cuckoo,
Black heart, black eye,
where are you my Luka,
rise from the grave,
stand up alive,
kill our foes,
make them die!
Ah, Luka, my brother...
Killed by those damned
You are the ninth from our
house that they've killed...
But their end is nigh:
The head of Osman
Rizvanbegovich will hang
from our tower,
or my name is not
Mate Prkachin!
Hey, Prkachins!
Give us back our mosque,
before we kill you all!
Jozo, wait! Wait!
- Hey, Prkachins...
Wait until he shows himself.
As soon as you see
his fat head, fire!
Osman! If you don't turn
on the pipe...
...I'll shit in the middle
of your mosque!
You'll die of thirst,
you filthy bastards!
Mate... - Eh?
- Look at that!
Who the fuck are they?
They have some foreign
plates, like UN forces.
Maybe they are members
of some foreign mission?
If they are... we're fucked!
Hello, Ruza, we're in
Bosnia. Ruz... No signal!
It's deserted just like in
"The Law Of The Colt",
when Chaba Hogan
comes to Mexico
to avenge his father Enrique.
Osman, the whore is back!
Faik, take aim!
Don't let her come!
There's a girl.
- Eh?
A girl, I said. It's some girl.
- Oh, a girl?
- I said, it's a girl.
Hey, girl! Girl!
- Girl! Hey, girl!
Look at the slut, fuckin'
bitch of a whore... Shoot!
Fire her ass, Faik!
Oh, fuck it! Give me my
eye drops...
Fuck you, blind fucks! You
shot my Luka full of holes,
and didn't even
scratch the whore!
Scratch her yourself,
she's yours, not ours.
Looks like it's over...
Ours? I'll fuck both of you,
that's how ours she is!
Watch your tongue, Mate,
or a bomb could blow you off!
Or I could blow your head off
with my bare hands, eh?
Or those hands of yours could
jerk my cock, eh?
Or I could bite off that cock
of yours with my teeth, eh?
guys are alive!
Alive? How the fuck...?
Good afternoon. Keep
doing what you're doing,
we'll be out of here
in a second... Ciao!
- You don't say?
Move your ass! Hurry up!
- No afraid, we friends.
We Croatians, they Muslims.
- That's true!
One face, one race!
Long live the
European Union!
Don't ask for it, you bitch!
How do you like the lamb?
A dead mouth would eat it!
Here's some brandy,
ten years old!
Ask them about the carpet...
It's a modest feast,
but what the fuck,
we weren't expecting you!
I hope, what see here,
no report in Brussels?
If necessary, we
prepared to pay!
Eh, it is necessary, it is...
If they find out about
this in Brussels... Wow!
- Taste the lamb, will you?
Look: Here, during the war,
everything was okay.
By the book: We bombed
them with grenades, they
burned our houses down.
But then your people
came, declared peace,
and ruined our relations!
Our people ruined
your relations?
What is he saying? - Wait
a second, can't ya see
I'm talking with this
gentleman... - Oh, pardon me!
According to the peace
plan, the territory of
Chaprljane divided in:
Muslim part,
and Croatian part.
But not were divided..., the resources.
- The resources?
The commercial resources!
Hey, tell him about
the resources!
Don't be rude, let me finish,
damn it! - Oh, pardon!
Before, we had a deal:
We sell artillery...
Ya know, artillery,
...they sell handguns! And
we exported to Iran, Iraq,
Afghanistan, Kurdistan,
Chechnya, Russia,
Belarus... - Ireland,
Scotland, Sweden,
Denmark, Finland,
But Osman took over
our business:
Began selling depleted
uranium bombs!
No, no uranium...
cluster bombs!
And so - we got conflict!
They shut down the water
supply, 'cause the water
pipe is on their side...
...and we took over their
'cause the mosque's on
our side of the village!
Pardon me! They're using a
mediaeval mosque,
historical monument, as a
military warehouse! Phew!
Our common interest is this
conflict remains secret.
Your predecessor, before you,
cooperated very well.
We paid him money...
...and he minded his own
fucking business.
And the girl?
The girl.
What, is he asking
for a Coca-Cola?
Sorry, no Coc...
Oh, he's asking about
the whore, eh?
- Now we're fucked!
Did they say something
about the carpet?
She was a woman of my
late brother, Gojko.
When the war started, Bakir,
Osman's brother in law,
killed Gojko...
My relative, Bakir!
- We killed Bakir, so his
son Shukro raped
her for revenge.
Then we killed Shukro...
- Poor little Shukro!
...but, fuck, she got
pregnant! - And?
And what? What? She's
a whore. - A whore!
We kicked her out at once.
No Muslim bastard is
going to live in a catholic
home. - A whore!
She went to them,
but they're honourable
people, so they kicked her
out immediately! - Whore!
And the child?
We had nothing to do
with that.
She drowned it
in the river!
What's the matter
with him?
How should I know?
You know these UN guys
all of them a bunch of pussies...
Let's sing a song, to
cheer him up a bit, eh?
"The youngster was playing
his mandolin..."
"...his mandolin,
made of pure gold..."
"...ooh, its thin strings,
made of virgin's hair..."
"he pulled them so gently,
with a falcon feather..."
Hey, Osman! If these guys
report that we're still in
war, we're fucked
together with our business!
But why don't we just
cut up the two of them, bro'?
Fuck my mama if this
isn't the smartest of ideas!
Scusi, signori.
What the fuck is wrong now?
Bro'... They'll send us to
join granny Zumbula, bro'.
I've had enough of
this granny Zumbula!
If it wasn't for bloody
granny Zumbula
and her bloody carpet,
I wouldn't be here
with these hyenas!
"Little baby, get it,
take it, oh..."
"...climb on my cock,
look at Sarajevooo!"
Our woman! Fuck!
What the hell have you done,
you fuckin' baldy?
Sorry, the kid didn't mean
to do it, I swear to mama...
Whatta ya mean he didn't
mean to, he killed my wife!
Fuck the wife, ya've killed
nine of ours, so what?
Well, you've also killed
nine of ours! - What nine?
But Elvis doesn't count!
An agreement, remember?
Kids and old men
do not count!
Oh, they don't count, eh?
Pardon me then!
Granddad is done for!
Fine. Now we're fifty-fifty!
Fucking circumcised assholes!
Pardon me!
Oh, is that so?
Meho! Faik! Fire!
Oh, fuck!
It's over...
- The carpet!
Breathe, breathe...
Don't die on me now, breathe!
You're not... Italian...
you speak our language...
The carpet... Was
there a carpet here?
How... how do you
know about the carpet?
What do you mean how?
It's my carpet, my granny!
Osman bought twenty
carpets, to put them in the
mosque... but the
late Luka stole them...
that's why they killed him,
Rizvanbegovich shit!
And the carpet?
- Luka lost them at poker,
down there, in Kosovo...
He had two pairs...
but that shit Ramadani
had a straight!
Who is Ramadani?
Shefket Ramadani...
The bloody mother fucker!
Shefket Ramadani...
Kosovo 2001... Terrible!
It sounds like the title
of some sci-fi movie.
Want some?
As you like it!
You're right,
it's disgusting!
And this entire place
is disgusting...
You tear down each
other's temples, burn
down each other's houses,
rape each other's wives...
Countries so small,
and yet so evil!
And your history keeps
repeating itself, going
round, again and again...
Shefket Ramadani!
Because of that man my
father left yours in a mess.
Because of him Seraphim
died in prison, and
Vitomir fled the country!
And now the same Shefket
Ramadani stole your carpet!
That man is dangerous!
He must be a hundred years
old below the belt, with a
1 00 murders in his career!
I'm no Robin Hood.
I've been involved in a fight
only once in my entire life,
and it was against
someone weaker than me.
I mind my own
business and try to snatch
things from others
if I can, and that's all.
I'm not a hero! I'm not
going into the lion's den
to look for your crazy granny!
You don't understand a
word I'm saying, do you?
Let's sleep.
Good night, bro'.
Granny Zumbula...
Why are you looking
at me like that?
You can stand... you don't
need the wheelchair.
Everything is easier
when you're dead.
And why are you so sweaty?
I had a dream... All the
people I know were in it.
And we were all sick of
some strange illness, but
no one wanted to admit it.
We were dying slowly,
our flesh was rotting...
And we pretended to be
alive and healthy.
- It's a sign of change.
Mars is entering the fifth
house, and Jupiter is
dominating over Saturn...
Or Saturn over Jupiter, it's
not important. What's
important is that you
will take a long trip...
a trip that will not leave
you unchanged!
- But will I stay alive?
Death is also a change...
Oh, go to hell!
They're unloading something...
Must be the carpet!
- And now what?
We'll go and say: Good
afternoon, do you have
a granny in a carpet?
You do? Fantastic!
Can I have 200 grams, please?
They stock everything
in the warehouse.
If we could just go in...
- We have to be quick like
Kurt Russell in "Escape
from New York ".
Or we have to shoot like
Rambo in "Rambo III".
Or mine the factory...
...Like Franco Nero in
"The Battle On Neretva"!
A war spectacle!
- Never heard of it.
- Bambini!
Yes, bambini!
- What is Shefket
Ramadani doing with
all these children?
Andiamo! Let's go!
Wait, blood brother!
Wait... Bro'!
Oh, daddy... The next time
you die, please leave
me debts that I can pay
off with money, eh?
Does it hurt?
It hurts...
- It will pass.
Are you going to kill me?
- Of course I will.
Allah will punish
you for my pain...
No Allah, nor Devil here.
Only me. Carlito!
They've seen you talking
to the US intelligence
officer. What did you tell
him, you little swine?
I fought under your
command. I trusted you...
My family was killed
defending you from the
Serbian army!
Damn you to hell...
...Shefket Ramadani!
My name is a legend.
Do not utter it!
You are a disgrace to our
cause... We didn't fight the
war for the likes of you...
- You're wrong, Kreshnik!
Wars are fought for
the likes of me...
...and against the
fools like you!
Throw his body
into the sewer.
What's going on?
What's going on, Ismet?
We caught these two
trying to break into the
- Who sent you?
They don't understand
Albanian, Shefket.
One is Italian, the other
is pagan.
Shefket Ramadani! How
can you be so young?
How do you know my name?
You framed our fathers...
fifty years ago...
Shefket Ramadani, king
of the underground!
Shefket, I think he's talking
about your father.
How the fuck could
he know my father?
Who sent you here?
- My wife Ruza, sir!
She told me: Do whatever
it takes to find Zumbula!
Zumbula? - Zumbula, sir,
Zumbula! In the carpet.
Give us the carpet and
we'll leave. Please, sir...
It's too late now, neighbour!
You should have
listened to my advice...
Jango the Soap!
If you had joined the army,
you might have
stood a chance of surviving.
But now... I don't think so!
What are you doing here?
- Business, neighbour.
Anything for the
The question is, what
are you doing here?
Aren't you at the spa?
- Carlito!
C'mon tell us now,
who sent you: Americans,
KFOR, or Interpol?
Talk, you yellow deserter!
I don't know who you are,
don't know how come you
know my father, but I give
you one hour to remember
why you're here and
who you work for!
Lock them up in
the basement!
How are you doing, bro'?
It hurts, eh? Bastards!
Don't move him.
Something might be
- And who are you?
He shouldn't be moved, in
case he has broken bones!
If I'd only known that l
was going to meet a
charming lady like you, l
would have made an effort
to look nicer...
- Lara.
Pleased to meet you.
Santino Genovese.
The girl is... with you?
- Nadya. My daughter.
Take it easy, bro', ya might
have something broken...
Are you from Milan?
- What Milan? I'm from
Rome. Don't joke about
such sensitive things, okay?
And what about you?
I'm from a small town
in Romania. When I was
younger, I wanted to go
to Milan and be a model.
That's why I've
learned to speak Italian.
And? Did you go?
- I made it to Germany...
and there I met
Shefket Ramadani!
Shefket brought you here?
We've been travelling
for years
...and now he doesn't
need me anymore.
Ha! Did he promise
to marry you?
I'm not his girlfriend,
but his property. I'm a whore.
I misunderstood. I
thought, that the child...
Maybe she isn't his child.
I'm not even sure
who her father is.
I'm no better myself.
A crook, a liar, small time
smuggler... I'm not helping
him out of the goodness of
my heart, but out of
superstition. I think I'm
being punished by God,
being locked up here in...
What is this place?
- Factory.
Meat factory.
So, Shefket Ramadani
makes cat food?
Heh, that's where granny
Zumbula ended up!
You have no idea
where you are, do you?
What did I say now?
This is a factory for
producing human
flesh. Shefket brings in
children from all over
Europe, stolen children,
he keeps them and feeds
them, like in a farm...
- What for? Prostitution?
For organs! When rich
men's kidneys, hearts,
livers or spleens
malfunction - they call
Shefket to supply them
with spare parts. a car service...
- Oh, my God!
...but those parts come
from children's bodies!
But what are
you doing here?
You, Italian! Get out!
So, one hour has passed!
Time to tell me your story.
Better begin... Sandokan!
My name is Santino
Genovese. I came to the
Balkans to pay off an
old debt. Together with my
blood brother Trendafil,
we have been looking for
an old woman,
wrapped inside a carpet.
We've travelled a
long journey, filled with
laughter and tears.
A strange adventure...
...that is about to end!
If I had known that they
were going to bring me
back to you, l
would have shaved...
Shefket Ramadani won't
make a big profit
from this body.
"It doesn't become me to
be a hero. But it's obvious
that the problems of two
little people like us mean
nothing to this crazy world"...
Humphrey Bogart...
All my life I dreamt about
saying this to a beautiful
woman. And now
that I found her...
...Santino must die!
Good bye, bro'! Remember
what Ralph Meeker says... "The Naked Spur"...
Do you understand Russian?
You go first... I'll unlock
the cells. You understand?
Drop gun or I'll kill her.
Drop gun!
I'll spill her brains out,
drop fucking gun!
My daughter...
- What did you say?
Promise to save
my daughter!
What did you tell him?
Oh, neighbour... Okay,
neighbour, you win, alright?
Look, Trendafil... let's
leave the past behind...
Get me an ambulance!
Neighbour, I'm bleeding
to death, neighbour...
The carpet...
The carpet! Granny
Zumbula's carpet!
Don't be a shit, neighbour...
Call the ambulance...
Well done!
You are Nadya, right?
Listen, Nadya... We
both had a tough day...
you lost your mother,
I lost a friend...
It's okay to cry.
We're going to have a
good cry, and then we'll
go home... I don't have
any children, Nadya,
but I have a wife that
makes really good
pancakes. If you like,
she can be your
mommy, and I can
be your daddy. Deal?
And if anyone asks
if you have a granny...
pretend you don't
understand anything, okay?
And so, my blood brother
headed south, towards his
home. Some things, like his
fear of war and mean granny
Zumbula, he lost forever...
But, on the other hand,
he found the things he was
looking for: A carpet,
and many, many children!
And what about you, Santino?
Well, guys, I don't want to
sound immodest, but I hope
that after all I've done, I finally
deserve my place in heaven.
That one is the Little Dipper,
the other one is the
Big Dipper, the one over
there is the morning star...
Oh, that one? That's where
all the angels from our
galaxy live. It's called
"The Milky Way"
...or as people here call it
"Blood Brother's Straw"!
Sweet dreams, brother!