Barnacle Bill (1957) Movie Script

Award of Lloyd's Medal to
Captain William Horatio Ambrose,
master of the ship Arabella.
His vessel having suffered
serious damage at night
in the English Channel,
Captain Ambrose,
by his coolness, courage,
and fine seamanship,
was able to save the lives
of all passengers and crew
under his command,
after which,
refusing offers
of assistance,
he succeeded
Just one more, Captain.
Captain, I'm from
The Daily Mirror.
And I'm from
The Daily Telegraph.
I'm sorry, gentlemen.
I've already
promised my story
to the Sandcastle Mercury.
Watch where you're going,
Lost the other eye?
Captain Ambrose?
I'm Peters,
Sandcastle Mercury.
So, you've managed
to shake off the opposition.
First time an Ambrose ever
had to dodge a press gang.
Well, what are you
having, Captain?
- Uh...
- Oh, but of course.
Harry, a large rum, please.
That's a trim piece.
Go well in my cabin.
Sorry, sir,
not for sale.
It's yours.
A small token
of my admiration.
Oh, no, no,
I'd much prefer to...
Oh, you can clap me in irons,
but I won't take no
for an answer.
I'm an old sailor myself
and I can appreciate
what you did.
I shall treasure it.
Thank you.
Shall we sit down, Captain?
You'll join me.
Oh, thank you.
By the way, your check
from the paper.
Thank you.
I suggest
we begin this story
with something about
your great family tradition.
The Ambroses have always gone
to sea, haven't they?
As far back
as we can trace.
And, in fact,
even farther.
From the dawn of time,
we have always moved
in nautical circles.
All through history,
on every great
naval occasion,
we have made
our presence felt.
Another ancestor of mine
sailed with Captain Cook.
He was the first white man
to set foot on the Fiji Islands
He was much liked
by the natives.
Then there was
my great-grandfather.
He was one
of Nelson's officers
and spent years
an der See.
Main gaff goes up!
My grandfather was captain
of a windjammer.
During the great hurricane
of the Virgin Isles,
he took the wheel himself.
My father
was gunnery officer
aboard HMS Incompatible
in 1916.
Down one.
He fell at Jutland.
Hence our family motto:
Omnes per Mare.
I'm afraid my Latin...
- All at sea.
- Ah.
And, of course, you had
a distinguished naval career
yourself, Captain.
I think distinctive
is the better word.
I can truthfully say
I stood out
from every other sailor
of my time,
right from the days when
I was a cadet at Dartmouth.
There goes Midshipman Queasy.
Can't even wait
'til we get out of harbor.
Worst case
I've ever known.
I'm afraid there's no future
for the boy in the Navy.
With his family record?
We'll have
to find him something.
I was posted
to HMS Standfast,
the training ship
in the Midlands.
But a sailor like me wasn't
cut out to be an instructor.
Then came the war,
and I had the honor of being
selected by the Admiralty
to undertake
certain secret trials.
During those six years,
I had experience
of almost every type of ship
in His Majesty's Navy.
aircraft carriers,
they were all alike to me.
Turning green, I'm afraid.
We'll double the dose.
Sorry, Captain,
gone five bells.
Gotta set you adrift.
That nonsense.
It beats me how you fellows
stand for it.
Well, there's not many of us
made like you, sir.
More's the pity.
And thanks again.
My privilege, Captain.
Where now?
Well, I'm afraid
we haven't got a London office.
What about a cup of tea?
Follow me.
Kindly get me
a couple of glasses.
Come along, man.
Come along.
Look lively.
I, uh...
We don't have glasses here.
What do you do
when somebody faints?
There, you see?
That'll do for the other.
Thank you.
Where was I?
Oh, your war record.
Oh, yes.
I was still doing trials
for the Admiralty
when the war ended.
I was kept
on the strengths
for further experiments
until last year.
Then I got my bowler hat.
I must inform you, sir,
that these tables
are only for the use
of the clients of the bank.
That's all right,
I have an account here.
For the proper conduct
of their business.
Oh, very well, very well.
As I was saying,
I found myself
on the beach
with my bowler hat.
Then one day, I saw that
advertisement in your paper.
For 5,000,
the answer to all my dreams.
One look
at her photograph,
and I was on the telephone
clinching the deal.
There you are.
For the price
of my modest savings,
at last,
a command of my own.
The Arabella.
The Arabella?
The Arabella.
Of course,
I had little idea then
of the rough waters
that lay ahead.
I hadn't the experience
I have today
of the battle
of life ashore.
Just a simple sailor,
in fact.
- Excuse me.
- Mummy,
there's a man here
with all his clothes on.
There's a man hanging 'round
these huts.
A man?
Run along, child.
This is not a right-of-way,
you know.
I'm sorry,
I didn't know.
It's purely for the use of
people hiring my bathing house.
May I ask if you wish
to hire one?
Oh, no, no, no,
that's not why I'm here at all.
I thought not.
It's perfectly obvious
why you are here.
You will kindly leave at once.
Very well, madam.
- Four, sir?
- Four, please.
One shilling.
Let the two little ones
go in together.
That's right, squeeze 'em up,
give 'em a bit of fun.
One, two.
Three, four.
Thank you, sir.
What do you fancy
for the big race, Tommy?
- One, please.
- Thank you, sir.
Excuse me.
Are you one
of the officers here?
If so, I'd like you
to break off action.
Are you, uh...
The new captain.
The new owner.
Oh, I didn't expect you so soon.
My name is Figg.
I'm in charge here.
I don't wish to find fault
as soon as I arrive,
Mr. Figg,
but wouldn't a salute
be appropriate?
You'd better send us
a wire next time.
We'll have you piped aboard.
Where are the master's quarters?
You could ask
the quartermaster.
Perhaps you would be
good enough to tell me.
Well, that's the office
along there.
The old shed this side
the Crazy Cottage.
I'd like to meet the crew.
Will you be good enough to
muster them on the quarterdeck
in 10 minutes' time?
It's almost 4:00.
They'll be wantin' their tea.
I shan't keep them long.
Oh, and I'd like you to include
the man on the gate,
if you can arrange
a relief for him.
- Is that all?
- For the present.
Carry on, Number One.
And so with the assistance of
my good friend Goldilocks here,
I shall now demonstrate
that the secret
of the Great Houdini
lives on.
That's a lovely head of skin
you've got there, sir.
Of course,
he's a very good-looking fella,
this, you know.
The poor girl's Yul Brynner.
There's no call
for personal remarks.
I'm very sorry, sir.
Of course, he ain't really bald,
we know that.
He's just got a tall face.
A tall face.
And you won't get out
of that in a hurry.
Get out of what?
Now, come back, sir.
Don't get naughty.
Keep your hair on.
Sir, on behalf
of the pier company,
I would like
to apologize...
Hello, hello, hello.
What's this,
another volunteer?
Gangway for
a naval officer there.
Step right up here, Admiral.
Go on, Jack,
have a go.
Come on,
be a sport.
That's it.
Give him a big hand,
ladies and gentlemen.
Howdy, Admiral.
And how did you
leave the wives?
Still in ignorance,
I hope?
Aha, now, then.
I want you to take this cord
and tie up me ankles and hands,
got it?
Now, tight as you like.
Don't mind me.
Oh, he knows what he's up to,
this one.
Proper ropey type, eh?
That's it.
Now me hands.
Ooh, look at them
medal ribbons.
'Course, he should've had
the Croix de Guerre, too,
you know.
But with a face like his,
they couldn't find
a French admiral to kiss him.
Right, now this time
I'm gonna make it
hard for meself,
as the bloke said when
he fell into the cement mixer.
That's it, I want you
to pop me into this sack
and tie up me top knot.
Night-night, all.
Oh, innit dark in here?
Anybody got a candle?
Now, you done, Admiral?
- All fast.
- Eh?
- Finished.
- Oh, ta, muchly.
Well, give my love to the wives
and all the little barnacles.
Music, maestro, please.
The men are waiting outside,
Very good.
That's my candy floss.
Is that how they do it
in the Navy, sir?
I take it you were never
in the service, Mr. Figg.
I never wanted to be.
I've spent all my life
in a dredger,
and if you're going to run
this pier like a battleship,
I should be sorry
I ever left it.
Well, I am going to run her
like a battleship.
All the best piers in this
country are run naval-style,
and under my command,
Sandcastle Pier
is going to be no exception.
I shan't be satisfied
until everything is...
Until everything is pier-shape
and Blackpool fashion.
Now, was any man here
in the Royal Navy?
- Tommy was.
- Who?
- Thomas, sir.
- Where is he?
There he is, sir.
Oi, Tommy!
Oh, so you're Thomas.
- The gate man.
- No, sir.
Chief deck chair hand,
we take turns on the gate, sir.
You won't be taking any more
turns on the gate, Thomas.
Now, I can see we have a long,
hard voyage ahead of us
before we can take
a real pride in our pier.
And I don't want
to hear any grumbling
once we're underway.
Not from me, you won't.
I'm off back to my dredger.
Have a nice trip.
Bring us back a parrot!
Anyone else
want to sign off?
Now, I want this
to be a happy pier
because a happy pier
is an efficient pier,
and vice versa.
- You won't find me...
- Here, Popeye,
where's the ladies?
And you'll retain
your present ranks
and rates of pay.
That is, with one exception.
Thomas, you're what
is known as a fiddler.
Yes, sir.
Well, at least you're honest.
And as you're
the only man here
who's served
in Her Majesty's Navy,
I'm giving you
another chance.
I'm appointing you
Chief Officer.
Uh, thank you, sir.
Carry on.
Captain's rounds,
Number One.
Captain's rounds, sir.
You've made a nice start, sir.
Long time since our customers
had any fun.
Amusement arcade, sir.
Not much fun
to be had in here.
She used to run
up and down the pier.
She shall again.
Where's the chief engineer?
- You've just got rid of him.
- Mr. Figg?
- But he was mate.
- He was most things, sir,
that'd give him
the chance for a fiddle.
I wasn't the only one.
Well, where's
the second engineer?
He's due for promotion.
The second engineer's a kid
of 15 with the measles.
Well, somebody's got
to mend these machines.
There's nothing wrong
with them, sir.
It was the police
had 'em closed down.
- The police?
- There's an old lady
on the council,
Mrs. Barrington,
she started creating,
said the kids
were gambling on them.
Coin returned for win.
It surely can't be a gamble
if you just get your money back.
Ah, but when you win,
the ball stays in play.
You get another win, and out
comes the last fella's penny.
Now, according to the council,
that's gambling.
Young Reggie Skinner,
the second engineer,
he's a marvel.
I've seen him with as much
as ninepence on the trot.
Smart boy.
I think we'll have these
machines put back in action,
Number One.
That might be
a bit dodgy, sir.
The council we've got here,
a proper bunch, they are.
This is my pier,
Number One,
and no little tin-pot
dictator on the council
is going to tell me
how to run her.
Captain Ambrose?
I'm Crowley,
chief tin-pot dictator.
Oh, Mr. Crowley,
how do you do?
- What was that?
- I'm sorry,
I couldn't resist it.
You see, I happen to be
mayor of Sandcastle.
It's all right, Captain,
don't apologize.
We all feel that way
about people
who tell us
where to get off.
I heard you'd arrived,
thought I'd come along
to wish you well.
Everything in order, I hope?
Quite satisfied?
No complaints?
Well, to be quite frank,
she is a bit more run-down
- than I'd expected.
- Very true.
I couldn't agree more.
The fact is,
since they put me in office,
I just haven't
had the time
to attend to all
my private interests.
It was a question of neglecting
them or the community.
And that's why I decided to sell
the pier at what is really,
I venture to think,
quite a bargain price.
But, of course, my dear fellow,
if you're not satisfied...
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm sure she'll suit me
very well.
Well, anything I can do
to help at any time
Well, there is the question
of the machines.
Oh, the gambling machines.
I know how you feel.
I did resist the order,
but I'm afraid
there's a strong feeling
in the council chamber
about, well,
turning Sandcastle
into another Monte Carlo.
And, of course,
in my position,
one can't press one's own
interests too hard.
Well, as I'm not a member
of the council,
perhaps I'm in a better position
to put up a fight.
Oh, take warning, Captain.
You're heading
for trouble there.
Well, I must get along.
I've got a meeting
at the planning committee.
Any queries,
just give me a tinkle.
Thank you, I will.
Your luggage
has arrived, sir.
Where would
you like it taken?
Kings Arms
or the Georgian Dragon?
Let it stay aboard.
You're not going to live
on the pier, sir?
Do I look the type
who'd sleep ashore?
But... but where, sir?
There's not enough room
in that office
to swing a cat-o'-nine-tails.
We'll have to use
some initiative,
won't we, Number One?
Well, there's the aquarium, sir.
We could put you in there.
No, no.
That'd be like waking up
in a submarine.
Below there.
Come and bear a hand
with my dunnage.
- Morning, sir.
- Morning, Number One.
Struck some foul weather.
It's always like this
in Sandcastle on Sunday.
From what I've seen
of the place,
it's always like Sunday
in Sandcastle.
Yes, sir.
Except it's no day of rest
for the coppers.
They've been here this morning
and took the slot machines away.
Why wasn't I called?
Who let 'em aboard?
It seems they got
the keys off Mr. Figg.
I met 'em
wheeling the machines out
on that little old cot
they keep for the drunks.
Not that we get many drunks
in Sandcastle.
I'll beat seven bells
out of them for this.
Hello, hello.
Are you all right, sir?
I haven't quite found
my sea legs yet.
That boy you mentioned,
the second engineer.
Is he out of quarantine?
Who, Reggie Skinner?
He'll be back tomorrow.
I need him today,
rouse him out
and meet me
at the police station
at one-oh-double-oh.
Small profit, perhaps,
but you must admit
that money can be won
on these machines.
There wouldn't be much point
in them otherwise.
Then what are you arguing about?
That makes them illegal.
No, no, no, no.
Pardon me.
Well done, Number One.
So this is our chief engineer.
- Chief engineer?
- If you pass your test.
- Now, look, uh...
- Skinner, sir.
I'm going to put
a penny in this machine
and you are to win it back.
What's the idea of all this?
You'll see, I hope.
Go on, Skinner, win.
- Good boy.
- Do it again.
You're just proving my point.
It's a gambling device.
Is it?
You try.
Come along, now.
Fair's fair.
You see?
No skill.
Carry on, Chief.
Do yourself some good.
Now, let us review
this whole matter again.
No offense is committed
under the Gaming Act
if skill
predominates over luck.
- Isn't that right?
- Yes.
Well, you've just seen
for yourself.
This is a game of skill.
Let's have another go, son.
No, wait.
Just your thumb.
That's too far down.
Hold it lighter.
That's right.
Now, steady, right, go.
- I've won.
- Superintendent Browning.
Oh, good morning, ma'am.
I see you're dealing with
the matter of these machines.
I came here this morning because
it had been reported to me
that the new owner
of the pier...
Captain Ambrose, ma'am, has been
questioning our legal right
to effect a seizure
of these machines.
I hope you've made
the position clear to him.
Well, madam,
I have to admit
there are possibly grounds
for a test case.
- What?
- Thank you.
That's all I wanted to know.
A gambler and a Peeping Tom.
I dig that crazy jukebox.
Don't be so square, man,
that ain't a juke.
That's a fruit machine.
Keep your hands off, please.
Look, don't lean on me, Jack.
I'm telling ya.
Don't lean on me.
Here, put it down, Dad.
Let's have a ball.
Leave it alone.
Go and play somewhere else.
You ain't plugged in, man.
This is Sandcastle.
It's a real square town, Dad.
Square? What on earth
are you talking about?
No playing games
on Sundays here.
That's what he means.
No Sunday movies,
no dancing.
Strictly no jiving.
Nothing but a nothing.
Dig it now, Hornblower?
Blow that horn, daddy-o?
Why don't you go and enjoy
yourselves on the pier?
The pier?
You seen the pier?
- I own the pier.
- You what?
And there's a concert
on this afternoon.
A concert?
Come into the garden, Maud
Oh, you send me.
You send me!
He's way out in cloud seven.
- Choke your lump.
- What's that you say?
Pipe down and belay
all this doing and effort.
You think I was brought up
in the last bucket?
If this is the best you can
do with your make and mend,
you deserve
to be keelhauled.
The concert's
in the first dock.
And dig yourselves
out of that.
Mr. White.
Mr. White!
- Mr. White?
- That you, sir?
Where... where on earth
are the Brinies?
I've been looking for you.
They've gone.
- What?
- Packed up and walked out.
It seems old Artie
couldn't take you
making a monkey out of him.
Are there many people
in the auditorium?
Not a soul just now, sir.
Well, thank goodness for that.
Go, man, go.
What's the holdup, Mac?
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid
we have been let down.
You said
there was gonna be
a show here
this afternoon.
Live entertainment.
- Yes, I know, but...
- There ain't no show?
If you'll let me explain...
We'll give him a show.
Okay, you cats.
Take your seats.
I'll have this one.
You let them seats alone!
Wait, Number One.
- I think they've got something.
- But, sir, they...
Those seats should've
been broken up long ago.
Come on, no slagging.
Get down to it.
You crazy?
He's nutty as a fruitcake.
You said you had
nowhere to dance.
Well, here's your dance hall.
Good old Hornblower!
Anything there of any use?
Some of it's okay.
Except for what it says.
Long live King Edward
the seventh.
Dig deeper,
you may get up to date.
Long live our glorious Queen.
My rule is 9:00
for the closing of all huts.
And will you please turn
that machine off?
Them lights haven't worked
since Armistice night.
One-way ticket
on the 5:09
I'll never leave home again
Ooey-ooey, ooey-ooh
I wanna be that man there
and see my girl
with the golden hair
Wheels are going
and taking me back
to my old shack
Got a one-way ticket
on the Union Line
Gonna see
that girl of mine
A one-way ticket
on the 5:09
Trains are coming
around the bend
In the tunnel
and out again
Black smoke
coming up the stack
This old choo-choo's
taking me back
Gonna see that girl
of mine
Got a one-way ticket
on the Union Line
Got to see
that girl of mine
A one-way ticket
on the 5:09
I'll never leave home again
Ooey-ooey, ooey-ooh
I wanna be that man there
and see my girl
with the golden hair
Wheels are going clickety-clack
and taking me back
to my old shack
- Gotta see
- Good evening, Superintendent.
- Stop that noise!
- Play on!
I'm sorry, Superintendent.
I cannot allow you to give
orders on my pier
until you have established
your authority to do so.
Shall we step outside
and discuss the matter?
Won't you bring
your men with you?
My crew are quite capable
of maintaining order.
Ooey-ooey, ooey-ooh
I'm gonna buy
a wedding ring
We'll be married
in the spring
Now I take it I must be
committing some sort of offense.
That's putting it mildly, sir.
To begin with,
dancing is not permitted
at any public place
on a Sunday.
How ridiculous.
And furthermore,
this pier possesses
no license for dancing
in any case.
I will certainly get one.
Where do I go for it?
You'll soon see, Captain.
For permitting music and dancing
in premises not so licensed,
you are fined
the maximum penalty
of five pounds.
For the other
and more serious offense,
permitting music and dancing
in a public place on a Sunday,
you will pay 20.
Oh, just a minute.
I'm reminded
you made application
for a music
and dancing license.
The application
is rejected.
It seems I shall have
to think of something else.
What about a bar?
I suppose I need a license
for that, too.
You suppose?
And I apply for it here, do I?
Captain Ambrose,
you haven't got a hope.
Put it right out
of your mind, sir.
I don't strike my colors
as easily as that.
What is the procedure?
Very well, sir,
you've asked for it.
To obtain a license
in this country
for the sale
of alcoholic beverages...
Just a minute.
The bar premises
having been selected...
Select bar premises.
Notice of the application
must be thereto affixed
in a conspicuous position
between 10:00 in the morning
and 5:00 in the afternoon
on two consecutive Sundays.
A similar notice
must also be affixed
to the door
of the parish church.
- For a pub?
- Correct, sir.
to the clerk
at the Rating Authority,
the chief of police,
and the clerk
of the licensing justices,
the last two both requiring
also a plan of the premises.
For the granting
of any license,
it will be necessary
for the court to take notice
of such objections
as may be entered
temperance, and/or religious
and such
private individuals
as may fear disturbance
of local amenities.
After which one is at liberty
to sell a glass of beer.
Should the license
be granted,
further application
is then required
to be made to
the confirming authority,
and in the event of the license
being confirmed,
an agreement reached with the
Customs and Excise Department
on Monopoly Value,
further and final application
may then be made
for an excise license
to sell liquor.
And then?
You sell it.
Well, that's all quite clear
and straightforward.
Select bar premises.
This place wouldn't be
much of a loss.
Not even to the fish.
Especially when you think
of their sex life.
Poor little perishers.
Run a counter along here,
cut a porthole there.
Make a right tight little bar.
Well, that's settled.
Get it cleared.
Well, what do we do
with the fish?
Put 'em in the drink
where they belong.
Eight bells, sir.
Forenoon watch.
Good morning, Number One.
What have you got there?
A... a little present
for you, sir.
I... I made it myself.
Thank you, Number One.
And she's a fine, trim craft.
She shall go
in a place of honor.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Is that yours, sir?
You flatter me.
It belonged
to my great-grandfather.
Admiral Ambrose
of the Blue.
Good morning, Mr. Duckworth.
Sorry, sir.
First aid kit wanted.
- An accident?
- A man fainted, sir.
One of the anglers.
It's a Japanese balloon fish.
It's fantastic!
They never swim
west of Sumatra!
Oi, look at this!
No, it's... it's impossible!
- What is it?
- Why, it's a... it's a...
Number One...
I think our pier's
gonna set people talking.
Mr. Mayor,
I have never hesitated
to express my opinion
that Sandcastle Pier
is an eyesore,
a blot on our beautiful town.
And now that it has
become the property
of a person who seeks,
it appears,
only to subvert the morals
of our young people...
It's all right, madam.
A person, moreover,
who now has the effrontery
to apply for a license
to sell liquor.
Mrs. Barrington,
I can set your mind at rest.
I'm very glad to hear it.
Now, the planning committee
has been working
for some little time
on a scheme
for the improvement
of our seafront.
And the result of our efforts,
which you have in front of you,
is a plan
which is going to mean
the total removal
of the pier.
This will be acquired
by compulsory purchase,
and its demolition
will make room
for the construction
of a new marine drive.
I've often thought that was
something we badly lacked.
As you can see,
this will consist
of a roadway running along
the foot of the cliff
and taking in approximately
100 feet of the foreshore.
A hundred feet?
But that will mean moving
my bathing huts forward.
I'm afraid this scheme
does not envisage
the retention
of your bathing huts.
You want to get rid
of my huts?
Well, since we're getting rid
of the pier...
But my huts have been there
for over 30 years.
The pier has been there
for 65 years.
I hardly think your huts
come into the category
of ancient monuments.
Though, naturally, you'll be
offered compensation for them.
And may I inquire what
the new owner of the pier
is going to get in the way
of compensation?
The figure arrived at
by the surveyor
is 2,800.
And may I further inquire,
Mr. Mayor,
what you received
for the sale of the pier?
That is entirely
a private matter.
Very private,
I've no doubt.
What you getting at, eh?
Madam, we must not involve
ourselves in personal issues.
We're here to serve
the community, remember?
Hear, hear.
Gentlemen, I've sat here
longer than any of you
and I can remember
the time when this council
had a reputation for service
to the community
of which
it was justly proud.
Self-interest was then
a thing unknown.
Are you accusing us
of self-interest?
You're a fine one to talk.
All this fuss about
those old huts of yours?
Order, please, order.
- Mrs. Barrington...
- Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
Under the impact
of the blow,
perhaps I have been
thinking selfishly
of my own interests.
But at least I can plead
that I'm not
the only offender here.
Let the mayor deny that
he's made a quick profit
on the sale of the pier.
And let him deny
that his firm
will get the contract
for this new marine drive.
And you, Mr. Bullen.
Let us hear you declare
that you won't take the pier
for scrap
when it's demolished.
This is disgraceful.
Madam, your remarks
are highly improper.
As a lawyer,
I'd better warn you,
they're also gross slander.
Mrs. Barrington,
I must demand...
Save your breath,
Mr. Mayor.
I'm no longer having any part
in this conspiracy.
You will kindly accept
my resignation
from the council.
Last of the anglers
gone ashore, sir.
- With a catch, I hope.
- Two, sir.
East Indian triggerfish
and a porcupine eel.
Splendid, all right,
darken ship, Number One.
Aye, aye, sir.
What is it?
It's a lady friend of ours.
Flying a distress signal.
I hope I'm not
intruding, ma'am.
Please leave me alone,
mister... captain.
I'm perfectly all right.
I don't like
to contradict a lady,
but you seem
to be in distress.
Well, if I am, I can hardly
expect you to understand.
Please go.
Very well, ma'am.
If you're sure
there's nothing I can do.
They're going
to take my huts away.
Dear me.
You shall tell me
all about it.
My cabin isn't exactly up
to battlewagon standards,
but I used to make the best
coffee in the water.
Come along.
Come on.
And, so,
to cut a long story short,
I resigned then and there.
Quite right.
A tot of this to jolly it up?
Oh, no.
Please, wait.
- What is it?
- Rum, ma'am.
Oh, no.
I never touch alcohol.
Then this is
a good time to start.
It's an occasion for splicing
the main brace.
- What?
- Celebration.
You've resigned
from the council.
Oh, but that doesn't mean...
Come along, now.
Strike it down.
Mm, I think perhaps
it does improve the coffee.
It improves the world, madam.
- Nothing can alter the facts.
- Oh yes it can.
Nobody's going to take
your huts away from you.
But you don't realize the powers
they have, compulsory purchase...
Mrs. Barrington, you shall
put your huts on my pier.
Captain Ambrose,
I've misjudged you.
Forget it, ma'am.
Some coffee.
Most generous,
a most generous offer.
- I only wish I could accept it...
- Listen, ma'am,
there's plenty of deck space,
and there's no reason
why we shouldn't carry a bit
more top hamper.
I'm not concerned
about her looks.
She's an old hooker,
and I know it.
Mm, but you don't understand me.
To tell you the truth,
I only bought her
because I've always wanted
a command of my own,
but this is the only one
I could ever arise to.
Just an ugly, old hooker,
but I wouldn't change her
for any craft afloat.
Here, steady, steady,
this won't do.
Captain Ambrose,
I don't know how to tell you.
To tell me what?
I can't put my huts
on your pier, because...
they're going to
take the pier as well.
What did you say?
They're going to take it over
and demolish it.
They will give you compensation,
of course.
2,800 pounds, they said.
But I paid 5,000 for her.
- 5,000?
- Every penny I could scrape up.
That crony, that crook!
That horrible swindler!
- The pier wasn't worth that.
- She was worth it to me.
Just an ugly, old...
what was it you said?
Hoo... hooker, ma'am,
just an old tub,
but that's not the point.
I'll tell you something,
you've told me a secret,
I'll tell you a secret.
There is no other sort of ship
can ever suit me,
and I'll tell you why.
I get seasick.
catastrophically seasick.
You poor sailor.
Understand this is the only
command I can ever have,
I've got to stop them!
The counsel have got the power,
they can do what they like
in this town.
My pier is not in this town,
she belongs to the sea!
It comes under the jurish...
Are sure of that, quite sure?
Just like the holiday camp
on Starfish Island.
- Holiday camp.
- What about it?
My huts, 24 huts,
two bunks in each,
holiday camp on the pier!
We could run it together,
you and me.
- A holiday camp on the pier.
- Wait.
Not a holiday camp...
a liner, holiday cruises.
For people like you,
always seasick,
never been on a cruise...
hundreds of people like that,
- thousands!
- The liner that never rocks,
- never rolls.
- You've spent your savings.
I could do my savings.
That's very kind of you.
But it's no good.
- A pipe dream.
- Partners.
- We'll be partners!
- You've forgotten the counsel.
Ohh the counsel.
Going to sink your ship.
Sink my ship?
- But they couldn't, could they?
- Couldn't what?
Sink my ship...
if she were a ship.
- Mrs. Barrington, listen to me!
- Call me Arabella.
But that's beautiful...
steady, Arabella.
Ara... bella.
- 2,116.
- Is that dead weight?
It is, indeed.
- Class of ship?
- I'm using her
as a pleasure craft.
Passenger vessel.
Port of registry?
Something wrong?
No, it's just a little unusual,
a seaside resort.
Type and make of engines?
Oil induction,
Loveday and Bone.
Loveday and Bone, are they
making marine engines now?
They made ours.
I thought they were only
light and power.
That's rather interesting.
When and where
was your ship built?
- Sandcastle, 1892.
- 1892?
Then she must have been
on the register for years.
She has never been launched.
I see.
Well, well.
1,032 feet.
I dare say, that makes her
longer than the Queen Elizabeth.
She is.
I shall be interested
to see the plans
of this remarkable vessel.
- Plans?
- Well surely
you brought them with you.
- Are they essential?
- Well certainly
they're essential,
you can't register a ship
in this country
until we've approved our plans.
- This isn't Liberama.
- Liberama.
Some of those countries
would register a washtub
for the sake of the fees.
1,032 feet.
Well now let me see, what figure
would that be in meters?
I haven't worked it out.
Well no matter,
it's a technicality.
But now, Captain, I have to be
a little bit more specific.
International shipping
regulations, you understand.
You carry radio, of course?
Of course,
and a television set on order.
Really? Most enterprising.
Lifeboats, fog warning system?
- All in hand.
- And radar?
That's an idea,
and more entertaining than TV.
I'll see what I can do,
thank you for the suggestion.
It's a pleasure.
Well, that is really
all I require here.
Except a little matter
of registration fee.
- If you please.
- Oh, thank you.
My government will inform
Lloyd's in the usual way
about this addition
to our merchant Navy.
When is the launching ceremony?
Soon as we've finished work
on her superstructure.
I name this ship Arabella!
Good luck!
Try again!
I name this ship... Arabella.
Good luck to all
who never sail in her.
- Hooray, hooray, hooray!
- Hooray, hooray, hooray!
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey, hey, hey!
Fog warning, on a day like this?
- Fella must be mad.
- He'll be mad all right
when he sees this...
come on.
Welcome aboard, ma'am.
- A great day, Captain.
- The crew is lined up
- for your inspection.
- Oh, how sweet of them!
One can't help feeling sorry
for the poor devil, you know,
the money this must
be costing.
What beats me
is where he gets it all from.
What did he pay Mrs. Barrington
for these huts?
I haven't set eyes on her
since she walked out on us.
So there she is.
What on earth is she doing here?
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
We were not expecting
visitors today, but...
Captain Ambrose,
as mayor of this borough,
it's my duty to hand you this.
A civic welcome,
how very generous.
Order for compulsory purchase.
There's been a mistake,
that can't apply here.
- I'm afraid it does.
- You read it, Captain Ambrose.
- You'll soon see.
- I really don't think
there's any need, Mr. Mayor.
I know quite well
a local authority
has no power to acquire a ship.
Did you say a ship?
The passenger vessel Arabella,
registered under
the ensign of Liberama.
But you're out of your mind.
If you wish for confirmation,
here is the latest supplement
to Lloyd's register.
- But you can't do this.
- I have done it.
Would you do us the honor,
ma'am, of giving us the order.
With pleasure, Captain.
Splice the mainbrace!
Come and get it!
Up spirits!
- Thank you.
- Will you join us, gentlemen?
Well, that seems to be that.
I hope so, Captain.
Mr. Crowley stands to lose
a great deal by this.
More than he can afford.
You must keep your
weather eye open.
It never closes, ma'am.
Book now for
the maiden voyage of R.M.S.
(really motionless ship)
The ship that never rocks,
never rolls.
- I'll rock and roll 'em.
- No currency restrictions.
My currency's gonna be
restricted though.
I was counting on
that scrap metal deal.
- And what about you?
- That'll do, Bullen.
I want to know the planning
committee's legal rights.
Yes, after all,
we have been authorized
to build the marine drive.
And as long as that
confounded pier is standing,
we can't even make a start.
Well, I'm afraid we have to
accept the fact that, in law,
the pier is now a ship,
but at least we can see to it
that these cruises of his are
a very uneconomic proposition.
- Oh look, did he?
- Yes.
Good morning, gentlemen,
is it possible
you have booked passage with us?
Not today, Ambrose...
you might say we represent
- the port authority.
- We have you to thank, Captain,
for making us a seaport.
I'm glad I've been able
to please you.
A splendid new source of income
for the town.
Mr. Chailey, what are the harbor
dues for the Arabella?
According to the authorized
scale of harbor dues
for English seaports,
a ship of this size,
for each day at her birth,
is chargeable to the amount of
247 pounds?
A lot of money.
Too much, I think, ma'am,
for the attractions
which Sandcastle has to offer.
Refuse to pay
and we take you to court.
- Mr. Merrick.
- Sir.
Send the ship's carpenter here
with an axe.
- Aye, aye, sir.
- And run up the blue peter,
we sail with this tide.
As officials of the port
authority, you realize,
of course, that harbor dues
are only payable so long as
a ship is lying in her moorings.
Uhh... I shall require notice
of that question.
I thought you might.
Are you coming with us,
If not, I must ask you
to step ashore.
We're about to cast off.
Chips, sever those planks.
- Bye!
- Bye!
What do you make of her,
Mr. Duckworth?
It's a dredger, sir.
Working on the deep water
channel, she's an old friend.
- You know her skipper.
- Who, Figg?
Figg, sir.
Back on his old job, eh?
She's all yours, Mr. Duckworth.
No, no, the fancy one!
That one over there.
How much is it?
No, the other one.
Take my advice, ma'am,
don't trust the natives.
One shilling, sir.
Only a buck for a scotch?
We're at sea now, sir,
- Make it a treble.
- Righto, sir.
My sister Agnes now,
she's just like a horse,
never been sick in her life.
Only last week she came back
from a cruise in the Med,
and when she told us that
she sat at the Captain's table,
I said to my husband,
"Bertie" I said,
"if you don't get us seats
at the Captain's table,
I'm going to"... well,
what has happened to Bertie.
First night out, bound to be
a few missing at table.
- Steward.
- Sir.
Bring me a bottle of Taylor '07
from the port bin.
Port's in the starboard bin,
Then sweep to starboard,
T for Taylor '07.
T for Taylor '07, sir.
- Key to the door 2121.
- Doctor's orders.
Number nine.
- Unlucky for some.
- 1313.
Somebody in the water
out there under the ship
swimming like a fish.
Well, I expect
it was a mermaid, sir.
Lots of them about
at this time of the year.
- Legs 11.
- Number 11.
Bingo, I won!
And though this boat drill is
only a rehearsal for something
that won't ever happen,
still we have to obey
international shipping
Mrs. Hopkin's,
you're back to front.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Mr. Thomas,
check lifeboats' gear.
- Aye, aye, sir.
- Right that-a way.
Handsomely, lads, handsomely.
There's a man down there!
Oh, Captain, I've just been
telling my sister,
we've got everything she ever
had on any of her cruises.
- Not a single thing missing.
- Not even your breakfast.
May I have a word with you, sir?
Oh, lovely!
Come along now,
what were you doing down there?
- Swimming.
- But why under the pier?
Well, why not?
It's a free ocean, isn't it?
- Now see here you!
- Just a minute.
What's your name?
- Davy Jones.
- All right, throw him back.
Sir, do you reckon
it was him who shook up
the poor old Major last night?
If it was, he must have been
here for some purpose.
Let's have another go at him.
Ha-ha-ha, too late.
We've learned from this
underwater survey that
the pier supports go down into
the seabed for some 15 feet.
Now, the safety margin,
our surveyor tells me,
- is 12 feet.
- Councilor Figg's dredger.
- Precisely.
- Yes, but Mr. Mayor...
We have only to dredge away
three feet of mud, and...
But they'll have us for damages,
- heavy damages.
- How come, Mr. Chailey?
We shan't be
laying a finger on them.
- Mr. Mayor...
- We should merely be
deepening the harbor
for this so-called ship,
and making sure at the same time
that her first cruise
will also be her last.
But do we want it
to be her last?
I beg your pardon, Mr. Timmins.
I can't help wondering,
Mr. Mayor, whether we're not
making a great mistake
going to all these lengths
to get rid of the pier.
- Are you mad?
- I know we agreed to scrap it,
but that was before
Captain Ambrose came along.
We didn't anticipate
all this publicity.
It has put Sandcastle
very much on the front page.
And what has that done
for the town
except turn it
into a vulgar joke?
It's attracted
a lot of visitors,
and visitors mean money.
Just so, I think
Mr. Chailey is quite right.
Whether we like it or not,
Sandcastle Pier
is famous today
all over the country.
Yes, yes,
well that's what I mean...
If you don't mind,
if we were to get rid of it now,
I can visualize
quite a public outcry.
I thought it was your opinion,
Mr. Chailey,
that we badly lacked
a marine drive.
But as you pointed out yourself,
Mr. Mayor, that would mean
the removal of the pier,
which is something
we might now
bitterly regret.
I do personally feel that
Mr. Chailey has come up with
a most valuable suggestion.
Here, here.
But to give up now...
Make us more of
a laughing stock than ever.
The next thing we know you'll be
wanting to subsidize the pier.
Well I think today it'd be
a pretty good investment.
Well what exactly
are you proposing?
I propose that approaches
be made to Captain Ambrose
and Mrs. Barrington,
with a view to the counsel
participating with them
in the management of the pier.
- I second that!
- Order, please!
- Vote, vote!
- Come on, vote, vote, please.
We were outvoted,
and it's all your fault
- for not coming to the meeting.
- What, before I'd had my bath?
You wouldn't have
liked it much if I'd come
straight from the dredger.
But your vote would've
made all the difference.
Now you've got to help us.
Well we can't dredge,
that's certain, they hear us.
Yes, of course we can't,
but there's another way.
You can pull it down.
- That's a lot to ask.
- Well there's a lot at stake,
and not only for me.
You're all in
on the marine drive contract,
but there won't be
a penny for anyone
if that pier remains standing.
We couldn't pull down
more than a bit of it.
But don't you see,
if only part of it collapses
for no apparent reason
except old age,
it'll be the easiest thing
in the world
to get the whole condemned
as unsafe.
Well you'll have to come
and crew for me.
- Us?
- Well I can't do it
all by myself,
and I'm not trusting my crew.
That'd have the black on me
for the rest of my life.
How many do you need?
- A couple more would do it.
- I don't think I'll be much use.
- My doctors warned me.
- Well you little rat.
- What about my ulcer?
- Gentlemen, gentlemen!
Why the sudden cold feet?
Nobody outside these four walls
is ever likely to learn
the facts behind this incident,
provided, that is,
that we all stick together.
That's just what
I was gonna say.
Well if he only needs
two of us...
- You and Bullen.
- Yeah, what's that?
- You're not dodging out.
- Nobody's dodging out.
Well really, Figg,
in my position...
I'm not leaving anybody behind
who knows what the game is.
But you can't expect
the Mayor of Sandcastle
to put to seas a dredger head.
If you don't go,
I'm certainly not going.
What I say goes!
I think it's perfectly lovely,
don't you agree, Captain?
- The belle of the ball.
- Thank you, Captain.
I'm afraid I haven't worn it
very much lately.
Mr. Thomas rode me ashore
to get it.
Rode you ashore?
- Don't you suffer?
- Suffer?
Oh, from seasickness?
No, I'm fortunate.
I did once, mind you,
when I was quite a girl,
but I got over it.
Oh, well I suppose
I just grew out of it.
Oh, you were lucky.
Oh dear, I nearly let it out.
It wouldn't do for our customers
to know the cure, would it?
- The cure?
- Well it cured me.
Mrs. Barrington, for years,
the best medical brains
at the disposal
of the admiraltry
have been trying to find,
without success,
a cure for seasickness,
and you stand here
and calmly announce
that you know one?
Yes, it's really quite simple.
You just stuff your ears
with cotton wool
and wear very tight corsets.
I thought for a moment
you were serious.
- I am serious, it never fails.
- Tight corsets.
Anything in sight?
Ah, see that dot?
A ship approaching.
In a moment you'll see her
alter course to avoid us.
Cutting it a bit fine,
isn't she?
Any moment now.
She's going to collide with us!
Come, come.
She has collided with us.
- I didn't feel any shock.
- No collision.
It's a small craft
passing under the pier.
In a moment you'll see her
come out on the other side.
She sunk!
Look, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen,
will you excuse me?
Steward, look after my guests.
Number One, come with me.
Figg's dredger!
What the blazes
does he think he's doing?
Look, sir!
Clear away boats for launching.
- Aye, aye, sir.
- Need a boarding party.
- You and Duckworth.
- Sir, but...
But you'll take command, sir?
I'm afraid not.
You carry on, Number One.
All hands!
Excuse me.
There's no cause for alarm,
you're all quite safe.
Excuse me, please.
Gentlemen, I am about to
engage the enemy.
Let up.
Number one,
I'm taking command.
Aye, aye, sir!
- What, come out of there!
- Let 'em be.
This is a job for small craft.
Mr. Duckworth, fetch an axe...
Number One, follow me.
Captain, one moment.
This is no time for jokes,
Breathe in.
It's not as good as a corset,
but it'll have to do.
Useless, I've tried
all the drugs there are.
Not drugs...
Good luck, Captain.
I shall do my duty, ma'am,
to the best of my disability.
Now go forward.
All gone forward!
- Helm amidships.
- Helm amidships!
- Slow astern.
- Slow astern!
- Stop engines.
- Stop engines!
It works!
- Form line ahead.
- Form line ahead!
- Port wheel.
- Port wheel!
- Full speed ahead.
- Full speed ahead!
Go astern down and try again!
We'll do it next time!
Get over!
Enemy in sight, sir!
Quite all right, thank you,
never felt better.
Duckworth, take your ship in
and destroy the halter.
Take independent action,
It's coming!
They're after us!
They mustn't find me here...
cut loose!
Get rid of the halter!
No, no, leave that,
I'll fix them!
Dig those crazy sugar tongs.
Come and get me!
Mad hopper!
Here I am, Figg, do your worst!
They're cutting the halter!
Got him!
- Where is he?
- Give him time...
what goes down must come up.
- What's the matter?
- He hasn't come up yet.
We've drowned him.
What's the idea
of leaving the wheel?
We've lost steerage way.
- There's no sign of him.
- We've killed him.
- We'll swing for this.
- Shut up!
Come up, blast ya.
Strike your colors, gentlemen!
Figg, you scoundrel,
let go that halter.
No, you don't!
Navy's here!
Keep 'em there, Number One!
That's it!
Hurry up, sir!
They're getting impatient!
- Get with it, daddy-o!
- Grab, man, grab!
Thomas, make a signal,
four prisoners awaiting custody.
Aye, aye, sir.
- Well done, Captain.
- Thank you very much.
- Well done.
- Thank you, thank you.
I think the time has come
to splice the mainbrace.
An excellent idea.
Oh look!
I hope it's not an omen.
I'm afraid it is.
Everybody off,
as quickly as you can, please.
Here we are, sir.
Your boat, Number One.
Oh no, sir, not without you.
- I shall stay with my ship.
- I'll stay with her too.
You will take command
of the other half of her.
That is an order.
Oh, well, goodbye, sir.
And good luck.
Goodbye, Number One.
Ahoy there!
Stand by to receive a line!
We will take you in tow!
Nobody claim salvage on my ship!
And that, I fear, gentlemen,
is the end of the rum.
- Ahh.
- Ahh.