Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders (2016) Movie Script
1
First position.
Second position.
Third position.
Fourth position, open.
Fourth position, closed.
Very good, dick.
You'll be doing multiple
double tours in no time.
Gosh, Bruce,
kids don't ballet dance.
I mean, I feel ridiculous
in these tights.
The discipline of ballet promotes
balance, flexibility and strength,
all useful things in our
never-ending fight against crime.
Gee Willikers, I never
thought of it that way.
Now, that's enough practice
for one night.
Gotham palace is on,
and even crime fighters need
mindless entertainment sometimes.
Gosh, yes!
It's my favorite show.
Welcome to everyone's
favorite variety show,
the Gotham palace.
And here's your host,
that international starlet
of stage and screen,
Miranda Monroe.
Thank you.
Thank you.
On tonight's show, we have
those singing sensations,
the mop tops with the mostest,
Hector and the ho daddies.
Those aren't the ho daddies.
No, it's that mocking mountebank
of malice, the joker.
Oh, sorry, kitties,
but the ho daddies have decided
to play a smaller venue,
the broom closet backstage.
Bruce, look!
It's that black-hearted bearer of a
billion bumbershoots, the penguin.
Careful, you
pre-pubescent pipsqueaks,
or I'll give you a taste
of my penguin umbrella.
And the prince of perverted
puzzles, the Riddler.
Riddle me this. What kind
of band doesn't play music?
Answer.
A band of thieves.
And of course,
that dominatrix of deviltry...
Catwoman needs no introduction.
Holy unholy alliance.
Our greatest foes have reunited.
Quick, gang, we have to hold these
creepy crooks for the cops.
I do love a captive audience,
but we must be going.
Let us away, let us away.
It's the bat-signal, sir.
Yes, Alfred, no doubt the
commissioner is already calling.
Oh!
Mercy alive.
Why, you'd think you were Batman
and Robin, rushing out like that.
We were just going fishing,
aunt Harriet.
At this hour?
Land's sake!
You two sure do fish a lot.
We find it's a great way
to relax
from the pressures of being a millionaire
playboy and his teenage ward.
Indeed. Now, if you'll
excuse us, aunt Harriet.
Can you believe the lengths those
two go to keep their little secret?
- Secret, ma'am?
- Why, Alfred!
You really don't see it?
No, I do not.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I believe the upstairs
doorknobs need polishing.
Good day, madam.
No need to explain,
commissioner.
We saw the whole sordid affair.
Those criminals
will be brought to justice,
or I'll know the reason why.
We're on our way.
Hurry, caped crusader.
Whoever you may be
under that cowl of yours,
you paladin of virtue,
you're our only hope.
To the Batcave.
"Poor people have it, rich people
need it, if you eat it, you die."
- What is it?
- Nothing.
I can't come up
with anything either, Batman.
No, chief, the answer
is "nothing."
How can "nothing" be a clue,
when it's not even a thing?
In this case, "nothing"
is certainly something.
- Robin?
- Let's see...
Zero. Zilch.
Goose egg.
Precisely.
Farmer Jones delivered
a shipment
of his prizewinning goose eggs
to the local market
just last week.
They're after eggs?
It's not what was delivered,
commissioner, rather when.
Last Tuesday, which was also the
night of the total lunar eclipse.
You see, it's really
quite simple.
The atomic energy laboratory, headed
by our old friend, professor Nichols,
just opened a new wing dedicated to
the science of total lunar eclipses.
And I'll bet my cowl
the laboratory is where
those felonious fiends
are going to strike next.
Of course, how could
I not see it myself?
Come on, Robin, there's
a bad moon on the rise.
To the Batmobile!
What would we do
without him, commissioner?
I shudder to even
consider it, O'Hara.
Not so fast, old chum.
But we're in a hurry, Batman.
Jaywalking is extremely
hazardous, especially at night.
As duly deputized
officers of the law,
it is imperative
we follow the rules.
Gosh, yes, you're right, Batman.
No one's above the law, even when
you're trying to enforce it.
Quickly, Robin,
to the crosswalk!
The replica ray has
the ability to scan an object
and create an identical version.
Observe.
As you might imagine, the
applications are endless.
Does anyone have any questions?
I do...
Riddle me this.
What is black and blue
and red all over?
Answer. You, if you
don't hand over the ray.
You heard him, knave.
Never!
It's too important to give to filthy
criminal types such as yourselves.
Oh! You dare defy us?
You must be insane.
And here's the proof!
Why, you're practically
certifiable.
Scientists, head for cover.
The only things these fiends will
be multiplying with that device
is their prison sentences.
Great quivering jellyfish,
the dynamic dunderheads!
Into the fray, my fitness finks.
Oh, Batman, give up this life of
excessive do-gooding and join us.
A man of your skills
could be quite useful to me.
Us...
When heck freezes over,
you shameless Bathsheba.
Let the grownups talk,
boy bird-brain.
Tag! You're it!
We could have a lot of fun.
What do you say?
I say, renounce
your evil ways, Catwoman.
Cease this infernal flirting.
Three Catwomen!
- Is that so bad?
- Of course it is!
Now he has to pick just one.
Perhaps not!
Batman, they're getting away
with the replica ray.
Ironic, since I'm seeing triple.
They won't get far.
To the Batmobile.
Holy crumbling infrastructure!
Robin, time to use
our trusty Batzooka!
Holy trench warfare!
Tin foil?
What does it mean, Batman?
We were foiled, Robin.
A taunt from
our arrogant adversaries.
But in their hubris, they may have left
a clue to the location of their lair.
This machine contains the information
of two sets of encyclopedias.
It'll be able to collect and
analyze data in mere seconds.
Holy Einstein!
That's a lot of brain power.
Amorphous
semi-crystalline layers.
Starch.
More precisely, gravy.
So what does it mean?
Take all the clues together,
the foil, the gravy...
Holy Salisbury steak!
- That could only mean...
- Right again, old chum.
The Fitzsimmons TV dinner factory
is where they're holed up.
Let's go.
I say!
It is patently preposterous,
you pretentious poser!
With this ray we can multiply
money, diamonds, females... heh...
I wouldn't expect you to
understand, you boorish bird.
Only those who view crime as
an art form have true vision.
Right, joker?
Oh, don't drag me into your
tedious tete-a-tete.
As long as the punch line
is funny, I don't care.
Enough caterwauling.
None of it will matter if Batman
stops us, like he always does.
Oh, dear me.
Someone's being a touchy tatty.
Ooh! Why the bad humor,
Catwoman?
I'm just saying we need Batman on our
side if we want to truly thrive.
My greatest joy as a super crook
is confounding that cowled clod!
Still, you do have a point.
But how do you turn
a bat into a rat?
I call it Batnip.
One scratch, and mass muscles
will be mine to manipulate.
That's been tried before,
by better crooks than you.
Watch your tongue.
No one challenges
the Princess of plunder.
It will work, I guarantee it.
Now, quickly...
No doubt
he's already on his way.
Feisty feline.
Soon you'll be a diva declawed.
With those four felons possibly
hiding in wait for us,
we don't dare
use the front door.
Really feeling the burn
in the legs, Batman.
That ballet practice
took a lot out of me.
Thus supporting my suspicion
you've been focusing too much on your
upper-body strength during workouts.
Gee whiz, I have been spending
a lot of time on my biceps.
A frozen TV dinner factory.
Appropriate, as you'll all soon be put
on ice in Gotham state penitentiary.
Show yourselves.
Oh, stop me if
you've heard this one, Batman.
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
Because they
crack each other up.
You need new material.
Fools! Get them.
One last time, Catwoman,
I implore you to turn
yourself in without a fight.
You will be
gentle with me, Batman?
You have my assurance I will handle you...
Personally.
That sounds divine.
I'd like that very much.
Shall we go, then?
But first, may I fix my hair?
I always like
to look good for the judge.
A woman as beauteous as yourself
should be allowed
to look her best.
You've earned that much
for doing the right thing.
Holy noxious gas!
Goodnight, sweet prince.
Rise and shine,
my winged warriors.
It doesn't have
to be this way, Batman.
You're right.
It's not too late to renounce
your evil ways, Catwoman.
You are the one
who will renounce his ways,
my dutiful do-gooder.
Granted, you've been known
to cloud the minds of men,
but I live by a set
of immalleable principles.
Oh, that's where this comes in.
After a dose, I think you'll
find your principles less rigid.
What did you do to him,
you sinful succubus?
Observe.
Kiss me, Batman.
I...
- I...
- Batman, no! Don't do it.
- Will...
- Don't do it.
Will...
Not!
Don't worry, old chum.
My moral fiber is stronger than any
substance this she-devil might concoct.
Oh, well, no use
crying over spilled milk.
Ah! I told you
it wouldn't work.
Never mind, Pengi...
Magic potions
may not affect Batman,
but I'm sure good
old-fashioned fire does.
Our most hated foes are about
to become a human TV dinner.
Huzzah! Huzzah!
Fiends! I swear by all that is
just, you will rue this day.
The only roux here
is in the gravy.
Come, my capricious cronies
in criminality.
It's starting to heat up,
Batman.
But, we do smell delicious.
The smell of death, Robin,
I'm afraid.
Guess this is our
last meal, Batman.
Then this is one time I would
advocate starting with dessert.
I suppose it doesn't matter
if we ruin our appetites now.
No, Robin.
The dessert is a lemon tart.
Holy citric enzymes!
Lemons are acidic.
Correct, Robin.
Now if I can just cover my
ropes with this lemon filling,
the acidic content might be
enough to weaken my bonds.
Hurry, Batman!
Holy entree, Batman!
We were almost done for.
Well done, to be precise.
Though I find it quite
distasteful they got away.
At least Catwoman's play
to turn you evil didn't work.
True.
Now we still have to uncover
what those malicious miscreants
have planned
for the replica ray.
Can you believe it?
Those Bolsheviks in Belgravia
have launched
another manned space flight.
Shameful indeed, chief.
It seems when it comes
to the space race,
we've fallen
even further behind.
Watching television
while on the job?
I certainly don't
condone that, commissioner.
Oh, uh, of course, Batman.
So sorry.
We were just...
It's not me
you need to apologize to.
It's the law-abiding
taxpayers of Gotham city.
You're quite right,
caped crusader.
Begorra! I've never been
so ashamed.
Enough sniveling, gentlemen.
We're here
on more pressing matters.
The joker and his crooked
cohorts got away.
We're sure they're causing mayhem
to Gotham city. But where?
Strangely enough, we haven't heard
a peep from them, boy wonder.
Not a peep?
How unlike those fiends.
Harriet Cooper,
you know this is Bruce's
hallowed and forbidden
no woman's land. Oh!
But I just know
he's hiding something.
A red phone.
My, how unique.
Mustn't touch, aunt Harriet.
The oil from your fingers
can ruin the finish.
Bruce! I...
- I was just...
- Leaving?
Yes. Of course.
Land's sakes!
How did I end up in here?
Wayne manor is so big, it's
easy to get turned around.
Toodle-oo boys!
Gosh, that was close.
Too close, I'm afraid.
- Alfred!
- Sir. -Aunt Harriet almost uncovered
our most intimate of secrets,
our true identities
as crime fighters.
It's your job to keep her
away from this study.
Deepest apologies, sir.
It won't happen again.
No, it won't.
You're dismissed.
For the night?
Forever.
Bruce, surely you don't mean it.
It's quite all right,
master dick.
Master Bruce, it has been
an honor to serve you.
Goodbye, Alfred.
I'm sure you'll continue
to make me proud, master dick.
Goodbye.
Gosh, Bruce, he's been
with you since you were a boy.
It wasn't that big of a deal.
An entire city depends on us.
Clearly, Alfred had gotten
too comfortable here.
I suspect a change
would be best for both of us.
Now, enough sentimentality.
There's much work yet to do.
To the Batcave!
Now!
Holy dragnet! We've
looked everywhere, Batman.
Downtown, uptown, in the bay...
It doesn't make any sense.
Maybe they've given up.
I mean it's either that
or they're not on this planet.
Great Scott, that's it, Robin!
Lex Parsimoniae.
Latin for "law of parsimony"?
Good job. Your grasp of the
dead languages has improved.
No language can be dead
if it lives in your heart.
Quite true.
Law of parsimony.
Also known as Occam's razor.
When you have
two competing theories,
the simplest one
tends to be true.
So I ask you,
did the most depraved,
evil, cold-hearted individuals
throw in the towel?
Or is it something simpler?
We can't find them because they're
no longer on this planet.
- Holy Trojan horse!
- Yes, Robin.
I contend those thieves hitched a
ride on that Belgravian rocket
that was just
launched into space.
Approaching
space station, comrade.
Prepare to dock.
Oh, pardon me, boys,
but could you direct me to the
powder room in this tin can?
No?
Then I'm afraid
you'll have to take a powder.
Pengi?
Sweet dreams,
my comatose cosmonauts.
To the Batrocket!
Gosh, Batman.
I never thought we'd need the
Batrocket on one of our cases.
An intergalactic spaceship is just another
tool in a crime fighter's arsenal.
Now, Robin,
space travel is the most dangerous
endeavor man has ever embarked upon.
I need to know if you
have the right stuff.
If brave men weren't
willing to take bold risks,
we wouldn't be able to move
forward as a society.
Then we take a bold risk now,
for Gotham city.
Initiate bat-countdown.
- T-minus 10 seconds.
Fire booster rockets.
Adjust bat-radar dish.
Open launch doors.
T-minus five...
Four... three...
Two... one!
Ignition.
Ready to move out.
How delicious!
I've always wanted
to rule from the stars.
This will go down in history as the
greatest caper in the universe.
And when we three are done,
there'll be no one to stop us.
There are four cats in this
litter, you pudgy peon!
Yes. But one runt which
must get tossed out.
Treachery! But why?
You're soft on Batman.
And we all know how
fickle cats can be.
Who's to say you
won't turn on us...
For him?
Ha!
The cat's got her own tongue.
Ah, well...
Just think of it as one
small step for mankind,
and you'll be able
to swim back to earth.
Oh... get her boys!
That's some
space station, Batman.
A top secret joint venture
between our government
and the government of Belgravia.
Ultimately our two countries couldn't
figure out a way to work together
and it was abandoned.
- What a waste!
- Yes.
From up here it becomes clear
that we're all one people.
I hate to the core of my being when
diplomacy is destroyed by myopic pride.
Engage
bat-gravity boots.
Holy helium! Bat-climbs would
be much easier this way.
Easier, but eventually
your muscles would atrophy,
your bones would lose density.
You see, Robin, there are consequences
to doing things the easy way,
something villains rarely take into
consideration when choosing a life of crime.
Golly.
Right again, Batman
the only thing a cat hates more
than water is the
vacuum of space.
Then I hope you can hold
your breath, pussycat.
Looks like the cat
will go splat.
And now, it's time to put
you out for the night.
Off you go!
May I assume your twisted teammates
turned the tables on you?
Where's your chivalry, Batman?
It's impolite to rub your masculine
superiority in a woman's face.
Serves you right,
you depraved creature.
Are you sure we can't kill him?
When you're older, you'll come
to appreciate the pungent allure
of the feminine mystique,
old chum.
But now it's time to dish out
some well-deserved fisticuffs.
Up with your flippers,
you unholy three!
And hope that I leave enough of
you to put behind prison bars.
Curses! It's Batman.
Ha, the cat came back.
Oh! How did he
find us this time?
Why, you quizzical creep!
It wasn't me!
I resisted the urge.
He's Batman, you moronic
muttonheads, that's how.
Of course! You probably left a trail of
breadcrumbs for your little loverboy.
No, penguin. I deduced where
you were, but not why.
Then riddle me this, Batman.
How do you hold
a party in space?
Answer,
you "plan-et."
Only we want to make three.
You diabolical devils!
Yes, then there can be a Gotham
city for each of us to control
without interference
from the caped clodpoles.
Of all the
world-creating arrogance!
Don't worry, Batman, they'll
soon be where they belong.
Behind prison bars.
Actually, Robin, I'm thinking of
sending them out of the airlock.
Yeah!
Let's see how they like it.
Ah! By the marquess of Queensberry,
you have to follow the rules!
Do I?
Of course, Batman!
As duly deputized officers, we are
honor-bound to follow the tenets of the law.
Technically, we're outside of
the jurisdiction of Gotham pd.
Here, I play by my own rules.
Egad!
Batman's flipped his cowl.
If not, we should do it for him.
Ah, time to lighten the mood.
Holy zero gs!
You were getting so heavy
on us, Batman.
Who says penguins can't fly?
Ow!
Huh?
Why are your punches like
a bodybuilder without a gym?
Answer, because
they're weightless.
You fiends!
Let's do this.
You wanna get nuts?
Let's get nuts.
- Riddler, this is the operating table.
- No, no!
Not the face, Batman.
And I'm the surgeon.
Gee, Batman, will they be okay?
They may forever
walk with slight limps
but they'll live.
Look!
Catwoman got away!
That tricky temptress.
She won't escape my grasp
the next time we cross paths.
But I'll enjoy her trying.
Thanks to you, caped crusader, their plan
of planetary proliferation was prevented.
I'll just store the
replica ray in the Batcave.
It's too dangerous to fall
into the wrong hands.
Once again we owe a debt of
gratitude we can never fully repay.
But know that you
will forever be...
Batman?
Where did Batman go?
Begorra! He just disappeared.
Like a bat in the night.
Very dramatic indeed.
And not like Batman at all.
You'll have to forgive him.
He's been a little out of sorts.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Batman, wait for me!
Batman?
Holy hitchhiker!
Now, how am I going
to get back home?
Now, give a hand
for our next group,
those manic minstrels
from Manchester,
-the bed bugs!
Sorry, dick. I just couldn't
bear having to listen
to the commissioner
prattle on anymore.
Luckily, a citizen
loaned me their bicycle.
This Gotham palace show
is top drawer, old chum.
And that host, Miranda Monroe,
Va-Va-voom.
Groovy, man, groovy.
Mercy, you two are back from
your "fishing trip" already?
Something wrong with that,
aunt Harriet?
Oh, don't mind me.
Please, tell me exactly
what's so amusing.
It's just...
Out with it,
you silly old woman!
Heavens! Well, I never...
I can't take this
anymore, Bruce!
So, you think I should get
rid of the broad too?
No. I'm talking about you.
You've completely changed.
Now, now, old chum.
You're overreacting.
Aren't you even worried
about Alfred?
Well, Dickie, if you're so
concerned about Alfred,
you're free to join him.
On skid row.
A-ha!
Any progress on that
shoplifting case, O'Hara?
Well, you know, the witness,
uh, and, uh, the, er...
Say no more, chief.
You don't have to explain to me
how difficult police work can be.
Have you tried...
You know who?
Every 20 minutes. No answer.
Maybe we should try again?
My thoughts exactly.
How about you clean up your
own mess for once?
Yes, but every available
officer is already dispatched.
We'll send someone to you
as soon as we can.
No, we don't know where Batman
is any more than you do.
The city is in chaos.
Absolute chaos.
Greetings, commissioner.
Chief.
It the caped crusader himself!
I must say, you are
a sight for sore eyes.
Saints preserve us,
all those rosaries I've been
saying have finally paid off.
Where have you been, Batman?
Thinking, commissioner.
I've been trying to figure out why
you two are in charge of anything.
Surely you jest, Batman.
It's you two who jest
by calling yourselves
police officers.
I take a little time off and look
at the state of Gotham city.
Now, please remove
your uniforms.
Excuse me, Batman?
I said,
take off your uniforms.
But why would we do that?
Because you two don't
deserve to wear them.
Surely, you understand the
city cannot run without a
commissioner and
chief of police.
No need to worry.
I've already found
your replacements.
I think you'll find
they're very qualified.
The replica ray!
What are you going
to do with that?
Three batmen!
Allow me to introduce Gotham's new
chief of police and commissioner.
Ready to run Gotham
with a firm glove, Batman.
Begorra.
Have you gone mad, Batman?
You've always said there never
was enough of me to go around.
That's no longer a problem.
Chief, commissioner,
please escort the former chief and
commissioner off the premises.
From now on, Batman will
be running this town.
And eventually, the world.
Mr. mayor, the city no longer
requires your ineffective management.
- You're relieved from office.
Semple vs Strozier states any judge
can be replaced by a citizen.
Baking is as much a science
as an art.
The city deserves a Boulanger
who understands that.
First position.
Second position.
Holy plie.
How am I supposed to focus
on my progressions
when Batman progresses down
a road of darkness?
Progresses.
How did I not see it before?
Catwoman's Batnip did work!
It's just been working slowly.
If I'm going to save Batman,
I need to go to the source.
Sarsaparilla on the rocks.
Please.
Oh!
Ow!
I hope you're proud of what you've
done to Batman, you hateful hussy!
I wanted him to be bad,
but not that bad.
You do know the
difference, don't you?
Give me the antidote, you
licentious Lucrezia!
There is an antidote,
isn't there?
Of course there's an antidote.
We just have to get
him to take it.
- We? -You know how
fond I am of Batman.
Were it not for his unfortunate
devotion to good, we'd be an item.
Besides, the way he saved me
from those double crossers,
I suppose I owe him.
Can I trust you?
Cross my heart.
I promise not to kill you.
For now.
Then let's go.
To the Catmobile!
Holy
faster, pussycat! Kill! Kill!
Are you old enough
to drive one of these?
Gosh, yes.
I have my learner's permit,
which means I can drive if
another adult is in the vehicle.
Remember, I'll be watching
your every move, Catwoman.
Kid, I always suspected you did.
- Where to?
- The Batcave.
But your gonna have to take
a catnap for this trip.
Very well.
But I expect you to keep your
hands to yourself.
Well, if it isn't the bachelor
pad to end all bachelor pads.
Should we hide before
Batman finds us?
He already knows we're here.
Quite right, boy genius.
It was just a matter of time
before you returned.
I'm just surprised you brought
such a lovely guest.
Batman, from the look of things,
you're happy to see me.
You know I am, doll.
Listen, Batman. Catwoman's
Batnip worked, only very slowly.
That's the reason
you're acting this way.
Then it's her I have to thank.
I much prefer the new me.
I'm finally doing everything my old
virtuous self wouldn't let me do.
Your ego is out of control.
You've taken over the city!
And that's only the beginning.
What about you, baby?
You want to join me?
Isn't that what you
wanted all along?
But what about Robin?
Hmm.
I know.
We'll kill him.
Purr-fect.
I'll probably regret this,
but a deal is a deal.
That's the antidote, Batman. You'll
soon be back to your old self.
Wrong, old chum.
I anticipated this move
and took the
bat-anti-antidote.
Yup, I knew I'd regret it.
You must be stopped!
Then why don't you try,
old chum?
I know every move you'll make,
because I taught you
every move you know.
An old-fashioned tool, Robin.
A utility belt showdown.
I accept.
Bat-knockout gas!
Bat-wake-up gas!
Bat-cuffs!
Bat-lockpick.
Bat-bomb!
Bat-shield!
Enough of this
frivolous folderol.
Sweet dreams, fools.
Comfy, my tenacious twosome?
Holy hydrogen!
The nuclear silo.
When I pull this lever, you'll
be lowered into the silo
at the exact moment it releases
its radioactive steam.
Any last requests?
How 'bout a kiss,
masked muscles?
Sure thing, pussycat.
You'll never get away
with this, Batman.
Boy, bird-brain,
can't you see we're in the
middle of something?
Sorry.
I'm afraid our time's run out.
Perhaps we'll meet again
in your next life, Catwoman.
Now, if you excuse me,
I have a city to rule.
Drat, drat and double drat!
My claws have no effect.
Batman uses a special
bat-cable that doesn't fray.
Perhaps we can swing
ourselves to the railing.
He raised it three inches,
just enough to prevent us from
clearing the rail.
Then how the heck
do we get outta here?
I don't think we can.
Brace yourself.
How are we alive?
While you were out on the
drive here, I sprayed us both
with a dose of
bat-anti-isotope spray
to guard us against
any radioactivity.
I knew Batman would probably
get the best of us
and that our most likely fate
would be the silo.
Most impressive, boy wonder.
I just hope we haven't
lost Batman forever.
We'll need muscle to stop him.
No one's crazy enough
to take on all those batmen.
You're wrong, Catwoman.
There's a whole prison of them.
We're Gotham state
prison inspectors.
I've never heard of prison
inspectors before.
Why wasn't I informed of this?
It's a new position, warden.
You do want to ensure
the safety of the prisoners
and all that garbage, don't you?
Madame, I assure you,
we go by the book.
Oh, is that so?
Those pickaxes
aren't up to code!
They must be replaced.
Lucky for you, warden,
we brought the newest model.
Oh! Look at that!
These are not regulation
ball and chains.
Replace them. Now!
And to lift prisoner morale,
the state has required us to give
the prisoners these care packages
of toiletries and
wholesome magazines.
What about us?
Sorry, but we're all out.
If I weren't already
in jail, I...
Ah! The indignity of it all.
Passed over for these
larcenous lowlifes.
Remember, any more violations and you'll
be the ones wearing prison chains.
Whoa! Where do you think
you're going? Hey!
Come on, fellas.
Huzzah!
Everyone's gotten away!
Except for these three.
Don't take your eyes off them.
We can't lose them, too.
I won't let them
out of my sight.
Welcome to another edition
of Gotham palace,
with your host...
Batman?
Hello, Gotham city.
Your regular host, Miranda Monroe,
is a bit tied up at the moment.
So, I thought this could be
another job for Batman.
Since taking over Gotham,
I've created the perfect city,
and yet I'm still not sated.
I used to think
I dress like a bat
to instill fear into
Gotham's super criminals,
but recently I've come
to realize that, actually,
I just crave attention.
So, what better place to get
that than Gotham palace?
And to ensure you
don't miss a minute,
my batmen have attached
bat-vhf detonators
to every TV aerial
in Gotham city.
If you turn the channel,
or worse, turn off the TV,
your sets will explode!
Holy shrapnel!
Boy genius? Catwoman? Alive?
Annoying, but not
entirely surprising.
We're here to stop you, Batman.
And just how do you two
plan on doing that?
With a little help
from our friends.
Then as the milkmaid said
when she kissed her cow,
"the show must go on."
You poor, delinquent child.
Those villains are all going
back to Gotham penitentiary.
But I'll deal with you
and Catwoman personally.
But there will be no death trap.
And I won't be conveniently
stepping away.
This time I do it with
my own two hands.
Special delivery
for a Mr. Batman.
That's me.
"To Gotham's newest pop star."
I'll drink to that.
Refreshing.
Now, time to deal with you.
Great Scott!
I've been slipped a Mickey.
Batman, are you okay?
Back to... to normal.
Old chum, spell broken.
It seems someone
delivered me an antidote
that could neutralize
the bat-anti-antidote.
Holy counter-acting potions!
But who?
I'd be more concerned with them.
Quick! Both of you,
get behind me.
Holy spontaneous combustion!
Yes, Robin, the duplicates were
always molecularly unstable.
Batman, you've saved
the day again!
- From yourself.
- I don't know how you did it.
The credit must really go to
Robin and Catwoman.
She proves that even the most
vile, depraved
and amoral villain
is capable of redemption.
Gee, thanks, Batman.
While all of Gotham is
grateful for her help,
she must still serve her time.
Understood.
Catwoman, thank you
for all your help.
I promise to act as a character
witness on your behalf.
With good behavior, you'll most
likely get an early parole.
After 15 years or so.
Perhaps there's a better way
to show your gratitude.
And what would that be?
That'll keep me warm on those
cold nights doing hard time.
You'll have to come
with us now, ma'am.
It seems everything is
back the way it should be.
I still want to know who
gave you the antidote.
I'm glad you received
the package, sir.
Alfred?
The bond Alfred and I have
is unbreakable,
which is why we've had
a long-standing arrangement
that if I were ever to fire him,
it would only be because I was
under some evil mind control.
And should that happen,
I was to prepare an antidote
according to Batman's
precise instructions
and list of ingredients.
I hope it wasn't
too difficult, Alfred.
It got a bit messy at times,
but went exactly as planned.
Always one step ahead, Batman.
One step ahead.
One step ahead.
And I've been one step behind
since the very beginning.
How could I not see it?
What is it, Batman?
This has all been
a well-thought-out
distraction by joker,
penguin and Riddler.
They knew the replica ray
was unstable the whole time,
which means they never
planned to duplicate earth.
But we sent them up the river.
No, Robin. Don't you see?
We put their duplicates in jail.
They've been free
the whole time.
Holy triple-cross!
And if my guess is right,
they knew Catwoman's
Batnip would work,
because the joker spiked it with
his own laughing-gas formula,
making it more potent.
Those devilish tricksters
needed me as a distraction.
But from what?
Knowing those fiends,
it's a crime spree
targeting Gotham's most priceless
treasures and irreplaceable artworks.
Well done, Robin.
Exactly what I was thinking.
- The perfect crime.
- Almost.
Let's go!
Holy stowaway!
My feline pride won't allow me to
let those traitors go unpunished.
I want to help.
Please, Catwoman.
Those venal villains
are committing
the biggest heist
Gotham city has ever seen.
You'd be in danger.
You do remember they tried to
shoot me into space. Yes?
Very well.
After all you've done,
you've earned
the right to join us.
Ah. We did it.
Our most perfect plan ever.
Look at our haul.
Priceless treasures
and irreplaceable artwork!
The first puzzle ever created.
Four thousand years old,
and worth a king's ransom.
Ah! That rock's nothing
compared to my little nest egg,
encrusted with a million bucks
worth of diamonds and emeralds.
Whoo!
And at last, I finally got
my hands on this beauty.
A clown painting?
That's worthless.
Oh, Pengi, the value in art
isn't in how much it costs,
it's in how it makes you feel.
Besides, it will be worth lots
once I bump off the artist.
You filthy criminals!
And to think you almost
got away with it.
But no one can outsmart
Batman for very long.
Egad! He's back to his old,
obnoxiously good self.
If we can't outsmart him,
then we'd better outrun him.
Hurry, men, or it's curtains!
The prodigal penguin
always comes prepared.
Quickly! To the whirly-bat!
Look, Batman, it's their
getaway vehicle.
A blimp. Unorthodox,
but diabolical.
Whose idea was it to get such
a slow-moving getaway car?
Patience, my quizzical quipster.
Observe.
Robin, time to use our
exploding Batterangs
on those engines.
Holy Hindenburg!
If we miss the mark,
it'll go up in flames.
Which is why our aim
must be true.
Ready? One, two, three!
They've blown our engines,
you beaked boob!
Silence! Then we must
move the fray
to where this bird of prey
has the advantage.
They're gone.
Wrong. They've just gone up.
Hand over those priceless treasures
and irreplaceable artworks.
You fiends!
You'll be abstract art once you
splat onto the pavement, Batman.
Huh?
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Thanks?
End of the line, joker.
Whoa!
Oh!
Ah!
Ah!
Uh.
Well done, old chum.
We saved Gotham's priceless treasures
and irreplaceable artworks.
Yes.
Saved them from me.
Ta-ta, my stalwart stooges.
This cat's ready to walk
on the wild side again.
Catwoman, consider the
consequences of your actions.
You know a tiger can't
change her stripes, Batman.
Please. By all that's decent,
I beg of you.
I'll give myself up
on one condition.
What's that?
We run away to Europe together,
sip tea in a cafe,
and live happily ever after.
Holy unsatisfying ending.
And, of course, we kill Robin.
Catwoman, you know I can't.
Oh!
- Give me your hand.
- I'm sorry, Batman,
but I won't be
put in a cage again.
No.
Catwoman.
Loving you was wrong,
but I had to do right.
Oh, land's sake,
what a wonderful birthday
you've thrown for me, boys.
Did we surprise you,
aunt Harriet?
Did you?
I knew you two were trying to
keep a secret from me.
But I never suspected
it was this.
There's not much
we could keep from you.
The lengths you went to.
And I was beginning to think
you kept me around
only for appearances.
Appearances, aunt Harriet?
How so?
Oh, simply that the
famous Bruce Wayne
didn't have room for
his ward's old aunt.
But now I know I'm a valued
part of the family,
and I needn't be so insecure.
And you can put an end
to the fishing ruse.
- I promise I won't...
- Sir.
Uh, you'll have to
excuse us, aunt Harriet.
Where are you two going?
The party's just started.
Why, skeet shooting of course.
See you later, aunt Harriet.
Oh, yes, of course.
What?
First position.
Second position.
Third position.
Fourth position, open.
Fourth position, closed.
Very good, dick.
You'll be doing multiple
double tours in no time.
Gosh, Bruce,
kids don't ballet dance.
I mean, I feel ridiculous
in these tights.
The discipline of ballet promotes
balance, flexibility and strength,
all useful things in our
never-ending fight against crime.
Gee Willikers, I never
thought of it that way.
Now, that's enough practice
for one night.
Gotham palace is on,
and even crime fighters need
mindless entertainment sometimes.
Gosh, yes!
It's my favorite show.
Welcome to everyone's
favorite variety show,
the Gotham palace.
And here's your host,
that international starlet
of stage and screen,
Miranda Monroe.
Thank you.
Thank you.
On tonight's show, we have
those singing sensations,
the mop tops with the mostest,
Hector and the ho daddies.
Those aren't the ho daddies.
No, it's that mocking mountebank
of malice, the joker.
Oh, sorry, kitties,
but the ho daddies have decided
to play a smaller venue,
the broom closet backstage.
Bruce, look!
It's that black-hearted bearer of a
billion bumbershoots, the penguin.
Careful, you
pre-pubescent pipsqueaks,
or I'll give you a taste
of my penguin umbrella.
And the prince of perverted
puzzles, the Riddler.
Riddle me this. What kind
of band doesn't play music?
Answer.
A band of thieves.
And of course,
that dominatrix of deviltry...
Catwoman needs no introduction.
Holy unholy alliance.
Our greatest foes have reunited.
Quick, gang, we have to hold these
creepy crooks for the cops.
I do love a captive audience,
but we must be going.
Let us away, let us away.
It's the bat-signal, sir.
Yes, Alfred, no doubt the
commissioner is already calling.
Oh!
Mercy alive.
Why, you'd think you were Batman
and Robin, rushing out like that.
We were just going fishing,
aunt Harriet.
At this hour?
Land's sake!
You two sure do fish a lot.
We find it's a great way
to relax
from the pressures of being a millionaire
playboy and his teenage ward.
Indeed. Now, if you'll
excuse us, aunt Harriet.
Can you believe the lengths those
two go to keep their little secret?
- Secret, ma'am?
- Why, Alfred!
You really don't see it?
No, I do not.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I believe the upstairs
doorknobs need polishing.
Good day, madam.
No need to explain,
commissioner.
We saw the whole sordid affair.
Those criminals
will be brought to justice,
or I'll know the reason why.
We're on our way.
Hurry, caped crusader.
Whoever you may be
under that cowl of yours,
you paladin of virtue,
you're our only hope.
To the Batcave.
"Poor people have it, rich people
need it, if you eat it, you die."
- What is it?
- Nothing.
I can't come up
with anything either, Batman.
No, chief, the answer
is "nothing."
How can "nothing" be a clue,
when it's not even a thing?
In this case, "nothing"
is certainly something.
- Robin?
- Let's see...
Zero. Zilch.
Goose egg.
Precisely.
Farmer Jones delivered
a shipment
of his prizewinning goose eggs
to the local market
just last week.
They're after eggs?
It's not what was delivered,
commissioner, rather when.
Last Tuesday, which was also the
night of the total lunar eclipse.
You see, it's really
quite simple.
The atomic energy laboratory, headed
by our old friend, professor Nichols,
just opened a new wing dedicated to
the science of total lunar eclipses.
And I'll bet my cowl
the laboratory is where
those felonious fiends
are going to strike next.
Of course, how could
I not see it myself?
Come on, Robin, there's
a bad moon on the rise.
To the Batmobile!
What would we do
without him, commissioner?
I shudder to even
consider it, O'Hara.
Not so fast, old chum.
But we're in a hurry, Batman.
Jaywalking is extremely
hazardous, especially at night.
As duly deputized
officers of the law,
it is imperative
we follow the rules.
Gosh, yes, you're right, Batman.
No one's above the law, even when
you're trying to enforce it.
Quickly, Robin,
to the crosswalk!
The replica ray has
the ability to scan an object
and create an identical version.
Observe.
As you might imagine, the
applications are endless.
Does anyone have any questions?
I do...
Riddle me this.
What is black and blue
and red all over?
Answer. You, if you
don't hand over the ray.
You heard him, knave.
Never!
It's too important to give to filthy
criminal types such as yourselves.
Oh! You dare defy us?
You must be insane.
And here's the proof!
Why, you're practically
certifiable.
Scientists, head for cover.
The only things these fiends will
be multiplying with that device
is their prison sentences.
Great quivering jellyfish,
the dynamic dunderheads!
Into the fray, my fitness finks.
Oh, Batman, give up this life of
excessive do-gooding and join us.
A man of your skills
could be quite useful to me.
Us...
When heck freezes over,
you shameless Bathsheba.
Let the grownups talk,
boy bird-brain.
Tag! You're it!
We could have a lot of fun.
What do you say?
I say, renounce
your evil ways, Catwoman.
Cease this infernal flirting.
Three Catwomen!
- Is that so bad?
- Of course it is!
Now he has to pick just one.
Perhaps not!
Batman, they're getting away
with the replica ray.
Ironic, since I'm seeing triple.
They won't get far.
To the Batmobile.
Holy crumbling infrastructure!
Robin, time to use
our trusty Batzooka!
Holy trench warfare!
Tin foil?
What does it mean, Batman?
We were foiled, Robin.
A taunt from
our arrogant adversaries.
But in their hubris, they may have left
a clue to the location of their lair.
This machine contains the information
of two sets of encyclopedias.
It'll be able to collect and
analyze data in mere seconds.
Holy Einstein!
That's a lot of brain power.
Amorphous
semi-crystalline layers.
Starch.
More precisely, gravy.
So what does it mean?
Take all the clues together,
the foil, the gravy...
Holy Salisbury steak!
- That could only mean...
- Right again, old chum.
The Fitzsimmons TV dinner factory
is where they're holed up.
Let's go.
I say!
It is patently preposterous,
you pretentious poser!
With this ray we can multiply
money, diamonds, females... heh...
I wouldn't expect you to
understand, you boorish bird.
Only those who view crime as
an art form have true vision.
Right, joker?
Oh, don't drag me into your
tedious tete-a-tete.
As long as the punch line
is funny, I don't care.
Enough caterwauling.
None of it will matter if Batman
stops us, like he always does.
Oh, dear me.
Someone's being a touchy tatty.
Ooh! Why the bad humor,
Catwoman?
I'm just saying we need Batman on our
side if we want to truly thrive.
My greatest joy as a super crook
is confounding that cowled clod!
Still, you do have a point.
But how do you turn
a bat into a rat?
I call it Batnip.
One scratch, and mass muscles
will be mine to manipulate.
That's been tried before,
by better crooks than you.
Watch your tongue.
No one challenges
the Princess of plunder.
It will work, I guarantee it.
Now, quickly...
No doubt
he's already on his way.
Feisty feline.
Soon you'll be a diva declawed.
With those four felons possibly
hiding in wait for us,
we don't dare
use the front door.
Really feeling the burn
in the legs, Batman.
That ballet practice
took a lot out of me.
Thus supporting my suspicion
you've been focusing too much on your
upper-body strength during workouts.
Gee whiz, I have been spending
a lot of time on my biceps.
A frozen TV dinner factory.
Appropriate, as you'll all soon be put
on ice in Gotham state penitentiary.
Show yourselves.
Oh, stop me if
you've heard this one, Batman.
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
Because they
crack each other up.
You need new material.
Fools! Get them.
One last time, Catwoman,
I implore you to turn
yourself in without a fight.
You will be
gentle with me, Batman?
You have my assurance I will handle you...
Personally.
That sounds divine.
I'd like that very much.
Shall we go, then?
But first, may I fix my hair?
I always like
to look good for the judge.
A woman as beauteous as yourself
should be allowed
to look her best.
You've earned that much
for doing the right thing.
Holy noxious gas!
Goodnight, sweet prince.
Rise and shine,
my winged warriors.
It doesn't have
to be this way, Batman.
You're right.
It's not too late to renounce
your evil ways, Catwoman.
You are the one
who will renounce his ways,
my dutiful do-gooder.
Granted, you've been known
to cloud the minds of men,
but I live by a set
of immalleable principles.
Oh, that's where this comes in.
After a dose, I think you'll
find your principles less rigid.
What did you do to him,
you sinful succubus?
Observe.
Kiss me, Batman.
I...
- I...
- Batman, no! Don't do it.
- Will...
- Don't do it.
Will...
Not!
Don't worry, old chum.
My moral fiber is stronger than any
substance this she-devil might concoct.
Oh, well, no use
crying over spilled milk.
Ah! I told you
it wouldn't work.
Never mind, Pengi...
Magic potions
may not affect Batman,
but I'm sure good
old-fashioned fire does.
Our most hated foes are about
to become a human TV dinner.
Huzzah! Huzzah!
Fiends! I swear by all that is
just, you will rue this day.
The only roux here
is in the gravy.
Come, my capricious cronies
in criminality.
It's starting to heat up,
Batman.
But, we do smell delicious.
The smell of death, Robin,
I'm afraid.
Guess this is our
last meal, Batman.
Then this is one time I would
advocate starting with dessert.
I suppose it doesn't matter
if we ruin our appetites now.
No, Robin.
The dessert is a lemon tart.
Holy citric enzymes!
Lemons are acidic.
Correct, Robin.
Now if I can just cover my
ropes with this lemon filling,
the acidic content might be
enough to weaken my bonds.
Hurry, Batman!
Holy entree, Batman!
We were almost done for.
Well done, to be precise.
Though I find it quite
distasteful they got away.
At least Catwoman's play
to turn you evil didn't work.
True.
Now we still have to uncover
what those malicious miscreants
have planned
for the replica ray.
Can you believe it?
Those Bolsheviks in Belgravia
have launched
another manned space flight.
Shameful indeed, chief.
It seems when it comes
to the space race,
we've fallen
even further behind.
Watching television
while on the job?
I certainly don't
condone that, commissioner.
Oh, uh, of course, Batman.
So sorry.
We were just...
It's not me
you need to apologize to.
It's the law-abiding
taxpayers of Gotham city.
You're quite right,
caped crusader.
Begorra! I've never been
so ashamed.
Enough sniveling, gentlemen.
We're here
on more pressing matters.
The joker and his crooked
cohorts got away.
We're sure they're causing mayhem
to Gotham city. But where?
Strangely enough, we haven't heard
a peep from them, boy wonder.
Not a peep?
How unlike those fiends.
Harriet Cooper,
you know this is Bruce's
hallowed and forbidden
no woman's land. Oh!
But I just know
he's hiding something.
A red phone.
My, how unique.
Mustn't touch, aunt Harriet.
The oil from your fingers
can ruin the finish.
Bruce! I...
- I was just...
- Leaving?
Yes. Of course.
Land's sakes!
How did I end up in here?
Wayne manor is so big, it's
easy to get turned around.
Toodle-oo boys!
Gosh, that was close.
Too close, I'm afraid.
- Alfred!
- Sir. -Aunt Harriet almost uncovered
our most intimate of secrets,
our true identities
as crime fighters.
It's your job to keep her
away from this study.
Deepest apologies, sir.
It won't happen again.
No, it won't.
You're dismissed.
For the night?
Forever.
Bruce, surely you don't mean it.
It's quite all right,
master dick.
Master Bruce, it has been
an honor to serve you.
Goodbye, Alfred.
I'm sure you'll continue
to make me proud, master dick.
Goodbye.
Gosh, Bruce, he's been
with you since you were a boy.
It wasn't that big of a deal.
An entire city depends on us.
Clearly, Alfred had gotten
too comfortable here.
I suspect a change
would be best for both of us.
Now, enough sentimentality.
There's much work yet to do.
To the Batcave!
Now!
Holy dragnet! We've
looked everywhere, Batman.
Downtown, uptown, in the bay...
It doesn't make any sense.
Maybe they've given up.
I mean it's either that
or they're not on this planet.
Great Scott, that's it, Robin!
Lex Parsimoniae.
Latin for "law of parsimony"?
Good job. Your grasp of the
dead languages has improved.
No language can be dead
if it lives in your heart.
Quite true.
Law of parsimony.
Also known as Occam's razor.
When you have
two competing theories,
the simplest one
tends to be true.
So I ask you,
did the most depraved,
evil, cold-hearted individuals
throw in the towel?
Or is it something simpler?
We can't find them because they're
no longer on this planet.
- Holy Trojan horse!
- Yes, Robin.
I contend those thieves hitched a
ride on that Belgravian rocket
that was just
launched into space.
Approaching
space station, comrade.
Prepare to dock.
Oh, pardon me, boys,
but could you direct me to the
powder room in this tin can?
No?
Then I'm afraid
you'll have to take a powder.
Pengi?
Sweet dreams,
my comatose cosmonauts.
To the Batrocket!
Gosh, Batman.
I never thought we'd need the
Batrocket on one of our cases.
An intergalactic spaceship is just another
tool in a crime fighter's arsenal.
Now, Robin,
space travel is the most dangerous
endeavor man has ever embarked upon.
I need to know if you
have the right stuff.
If brave men weren't
willing to take bold risks,
we wouldn't be able to move
forward as a society.
Then we take a bold risk now,
for Gotham city.
Initiate bat-countdown.
- T-minus 10 seconds.
Fire booster rockets.
Adjust bat-radar dish.
Open launch doors.
T-minus five...
Four... three...
Two... one!
Ignition.
Ready to move out.
How delicious!
I've always wanted
to rule from the stars.
This will go down in history as the
greatest caper in the universe.
And when we three are done,
there'll be no one to stop us.
There are four cats in this
litter, you pudgy peon!
Yes. But one runt which
must get tossed out.
Treachery! But why?
You're soft on Batman.
And we all know how
fickle cats can be.
Who's to say you
won't turn on us...
For him?
Ha!
The cat's got her own tongue.
Ah, well...
Just think of it as one
small step for mankind,
and you'll be able
to swim back to earth.
Oh... get her boys!
That's some
space station, Batman.
A top secret joint venture
between our government
and the government of Belgravia.
Ultimately our two countries couldn't
figure out a way to work together
and it was abandoned.
- What a waste!
- Yes.
From up here it becomes clear
that we're all one people.
I hate to the core of my being when
diplomacy is destroyed by myopic pride.
Engage
bat-gravity boots.
Holy helium! Bat-climbs would
be much easier this way.
Easier, but eventually
your muscles would atrophy,
your bones would lose density.
You see, Robin, there are consequences
to doing things the easy way,
something villains rarely take into
consideration when choosing a life of crime.
Golly.
Right again, Batman
the only thing a cat hates more
than water is the
vacuum of space.
Then I hope you can hold
your breath, pussycat.
Looks like the cat
will go splat.
And now, it's time to put
you out for the night.
Off you go!
May I assume your twisted teammates
turned the tables on you?
Where's your chivalry, Batman?
It's impolite to rub your masculine
superiority in a woman's face.
Serves you right,
you depraved creature.
Are you sure we can't kill him?
When you're older, you'll come
to appreciate the pungent allure
of the feminine mystique,
old chum.
But now it's time to dish out
some well-deserved fisticuffs.
Up with your flippers,
you unholy three!
And hope that I leave enough of
you to put behind prison bars.
Curses! It's Batman.
Ha, the cat came back.
Oh! How did he
find us this time?
Why, you quizzical creep!
It wasn't me!
I resisted the urge.
He's Batman, you moronic
muttonheads, that's how.
Of course! You probably left a trail of
breadcrumbs for your little loverboy.
No, penguin. I deduced where
you were, but not why.
Then riddle me this, Batman.
How do you hold
a party in space?
Answer,
you "plan-et."
Only we want to make three.
You diabolical devils!
Yes, then there can be a Gotham
city for each of us to control
without interference
from the caped clodpoles.
Of all the
world-creating arrogance!
Don't worry, Batman, they'll
soon be where they belong.
Behind prison bars.
Actually, Robin, I'm thinking of
sending them out of the airlock.
Yeah!
Let's see how they like it.
Ah! By the marquess of Queensberry,
you have to follow the rules!
Do I?
Of course, Batman!
As duly deputized officers, we are
honor-bound to follow the tenets of the law.
Technically, we're outside of
the jurisdiction of Gotham pd.
Here, I play by my own rules.
Egad!
Batman's flipped his cowl.
If not, we should do it for him.
Ah, time to lighten the mood.
Holy zero gs!
You were getting so heavy
on us, Batman.
Who says penguins can't fly?
Ow!
Huh?
Why are your punches like
a bodybuilder without a gym?
Answer, because
they're weightless.
You fiends!
Let's do this.
You wanna get nuts?
Let's get nuts.
- Riddler, this is the operating table.
- No, no!
Not the face, Batman.
And I'm the surgeon.
Gee, Batman, will they be okay?
They may forever
walk with slight limps
but they'll live.
Look!
Catwoman got away!
That tricky temptress.
She won't escape my grasp
the next time we cross paths.
But I'll enjoy her trying.
Thanks to you, caped crusader, their plan
of planetary proliferation was prevented.
I'll just store the
replica ray in the Batcave.
It's too dangerous to fall
into the wrong hands.
Once again we owe a debt of
gratitude we can never fully repay.
But know that you
will forever be...
Batman?
Where did Batman go?
Begorra! He just disappeared.
Like a bat in the night.
Very dramatic indeed.
And not like Batman at all.
You'll have to forgive him.
He's been a little out of sorts.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Batman, wait for me!
Batman?
Holy hitchhiker!
Now, how am I going
to get back home?
Now, give a hand
for our next group,
those manic minstrels
from Manchester,
-the bed bugs!
Sorry, dick. I just couldn't
bear having to listen
to the commissioner
prattle on anymore.
Luckily, a citizen
loaned me their bicycle.
This Gotham palace show
is top drawer, old chum.
And that host, Miranda Monroe,
Va-Va-voom.
Groovy, man, groovy.
Mercy, you two are back from
your "fishing trip" already?
Something wrong with that,
aunt Harriet?
Oh, don't mind me.
Please, tell me exactly
what's so amusing.
It's just...
Out with it,
you silly old woman!
Heavens! Well, I never...
I can't take this
anymore, Bruce!
So, you think I should get
rid of the broad too?
No. I'm talking about you.
You've completely changed.
Now, now, old chum.
You're overreacting.
Aren't you even worried
about Alfred?
Well, Dickie, if you're so
concerned about Alfred,
you're free to join him.
On skid row.
A-ha!
Any progress on that
shoplifting case, O'Hara?
Well, you know, the witness,
uh, and, uh, the, er...
Say no more, chief.
You don't have to explain to me
how difficult police work can be.
Have you tried...
You know who?
Every 20 minutes. No answer.
Maybe we should try again?
My thoughts exactly.
How about you clean up your
own mess for once?
Yes, but every available
officer is already dispatched.
We'll send someone to you
as soon as we can.
No, we don't know where Batman
is any more than you do.
The city is in chaos.
Absolute chaos.
Greetings, commissioner.
Chief.
It the caped crusader himself!
I must say, you are
a sight for sore eyes.
Saints preserve us,
all those rosaries I've been
saying have finally paid off.
Where have you been, Batman?
Thinking, commissioner.
I've been trying to figure out why
you two are in charge of anything.
Surely you jest, Batman.
It's you two who jest
by calling yourselves
police officers.
I take a little time off and look
at the state of Gotham city.
Now, please remove
your uniforms.
Excuse me, Batman?
I said,
take off your uniforms.
But why would we do that?
Because you two don't
deserve to wear them.
Surely, you understand the
city cannot run without a
commissioner and
chief of police.
No need to worry.
I've already found
your replacements.
I think you'll find
they're very qualified.
The replica ray!
What are you going
to do with that?
Three batmen!
Allow me to introduce Gotham's new
chief of police and commissioner.
Ready to run Gotham
with a firm glove, Batman.
Begorra.
Have you gone mad, Batman?
You've always said there never
was enough of me to go around.
That's no longer a problem.
Chief, commissioner,
please escort the former chief and
commissioner off the premises.
From now on, Batman will
be running this town.
And eventually, the world.
Mr. mayor, the city no longer
requires your ineffective management.
- You're relieved from office.
Semple vs Strozier states any judge
can be replaced by a citizen.
Baking is as much a science
as an art.
The city deserves a Boulanger
who understands that.
First position.
Second position.
Holy plie.
How am I supposed to focus
on my progressions
when Batman progresses down
a road of darkness?
Progresses.
How did I not see it before?
Catwoman's Batnip did work!
It's just been working slowly.
If I'm going to save Batman,
I need to go to the source.
Sarsaparilla on the rocks.
Please.
Oh!
Ow!
I hope you're proud of what you've
done to Batman, you hateful hussy!
I wanted him to be bad,
but not that bad.
You do know the
difference, don't you?
Give me the antidote, you
licentious Lucrezia!
There is an antidote,
isn't there?
Of course there's an antidote.
We just have to get
him to take it.
- We? -You know how
fond I am of Batman.
Were it not for his unfortunate
devotion to good, we'd be an item.
Besides, the way he saved me
from those double crossers,
I suppose I owe him.
Can I trust you?
Cross my heart.
I promise not to kill you.
For now.
Then let's go.
To the Catmobile!
Holy
faster, pussycat! Kill! Kill!
Are you old enough
to drive one of these?
Gosh, yes.
I have my learner's permit,
which means I can drive if
another adult is in the vehicle.
Remember, I'll be watching
your every move, Catwoman.
Kid, I always suspected you did.
- Where to?
- The Batcave.
But your gonna have to take
a catnap for this trip.
Very well.
But I expect you to keep your
hands to yourself.
Well, if it isn't the bachelor
pad to end all bachelor pads.
Should we hide before
Batman finds us?
He already knows we're here.
Quite right, boy genius.
It was just a matter of time
before you returned.
I'm just surprised you brought
such a lovely guest.
Batman, from the look of things,
you're happy to see me.
You know I am, doll.
Listen, Batman. Catwoman's
Batnip worked, only very slowly.
That's the reason
you're acting this way.
Then it's her I have to thank.
I much prefer the new me.
I'm finally doing everything my old
virtuous self wouldn't let me do.
Your ego is out of control.
You've taken over the city!
And that's only the beginning.
What about you, baby?
You want to join me?
Isn't that what you
wanted all along?
But what about Robin?
Hmm.
I know.
We'll kill him.
Purr-fect.
I'll probably regret this,
but a deal is a deal.
That's the antidote, Batman. You'll
soon be back to your old self.
Wrong, old chum.
I anticipated this move
and took the
bat-anti-antidote.
Yup, I knew I'd regret it.
You must be stopped!
Then why don't you try,
old chum?
I know every move you'll make,
because I taught you
every move you know.
An old-fashioned tool, Robin.
A utility belt showdown.
I accept.
Bat-knockout gas!
Bat-wake-up gas!
Bat-cuffs!
Bat-lockpick.
Bat-bomb!
Bat-shield!
Enough of this
frivolous folderol.
Sweet dreams, fools.
Comfy, my tenacious twosome?
Holy hydrogen!
The nuclear silo.
When I pull this lever, you'll
be lowered into the silo
at the exact moment it releases
its radioactive steam.
Any last requests?
How 'bout a kiss,
masked muscles?
Sure thing, pussycat.
You'll never get away
with this, Batman.
Boy, bird-brain,
can't you see we're in the
middle of something?
Sorry.
I'm afraid our time's run out.
Perhaps we'll meet again
in your next life, Catwoman.
Now, if you excuse me,
I have a city to rule.
Drat, drat and double drat!
My claws have no effect.
Batman uses a special
bat-cable that doesn't fray.
Perhaps we can swing
ourselves to the railing.
He raised it three inches,
just enough to prevent us from
clearing the rail.
Then how the heck
do we get outta here?
I don't think we can.
Brace yourself.
How are we alive?
While you were out on the
drive here, I sprayed us both
with a dose of
bat-anti-isotope spray
to guard us against
any radioactivity.
I knew Batman would probably
get the best of us
and that our most likely fate
would be the silo.
Most impressive, boy wonder.
I just hope we haven't
lost Batman forever.
We'll need muscle to stop him.
No one's crazy enough
to take on all those batmen.
You're wrong, Catwoman.
There's a whole prison of them.
We're Gotham state
prison inspectors.
I've never heard of prison
inspectors before.
Why wasn't I informed of this?
It's a new position, warden.
You do want to ensure
the safety of the prisoners
and all that garbage, don't you?
Madame, I assure you,
we go by the book.
Oh, is that so?
Those pickaxes
aren't up to code!
They must be replaced.
Lucky for you, warden,
we brought the newest model.
Oh! Look at that!
These are not regulation
ball and chains.
Replace them. Now!
And to lift prisoner morale,
the state has required us to give
the prisoners these care packages
of toiletries and
wholesome magazines.
What about us?
Sorry, but we're all out.
If I weren't already
in jail, I...
Ah! The indignity of it all.
Passed over for these
larcenous lowlifes.
Remember, any more violations and you'll
be the ones wearing prison chains.
Whoa! Where do you think
you're going? Hey!
Come on, fellas.
Huzzah!
Everyone's gotten away!
Except for these three.
Don't take your eyes off them.
We can't lose them, too.
I won't let them
out of my sight.
Welcome to another edition
of Gotham palace,
with your host...
Batman?
Hello, Gotham city.
Your regular host, Miranda Monroe,
is a bit tied up at the moment.
So, I thought this could be
another job for Batman.
Since taking over Gotham,
I've created the perfect city,
and yet I'm still not sated.
I used to think
I dress like a bat
to instill fear into
Gotham's super criminals,
but recently I've come
to realize that, actually,
I just crave attention.
So, what better place to get
that than Gotham palace?
And to ensure you
don't miss a minute,
my batmen have attached
bat-vhf detonators
to every TV aerial
in Gotham city.
If you turn the channel,
or worse, turn off the TV,
your sets will explode!
Holy shrapnel!
Boy genius? Catwoman? Alive?
Annoying, but not
entirely surprising.
We're here to stop you, Batman.
And just how do you two
plan on doing that?
With a little help
from our friends.
Then as the milkmaid said
when she kissed her cow,
"the show must go on."
You poor, delinquent child.
Those villains are all going
back to Gotham penitentiary.
But I'll deal with you
and Catwoman personally.
But there will be no death trap.
And I won't be conveniently
stepping away.
This time I do it with
my own two hands.
Special delivery
for a Mr. Batman.
That's me.
"To Gotham's newest pop star."
I'll drink to that.
Refreshing.
Now, time to deal with you.
Great Scott!
I've been slipped a Mickey.
Batman, are you okay?
Back to... to normal.
Old chum, spell broken.
It seems someone
delivered me an antidote
that could neutralize
the bat-anti-antidote.
Holy counter-acting potions!
But who?
I'd be more concerned with them.
Quick! Both of you,
get behind me.
Holy spontaneous combustion!
Yes, Robin, the duplicates were
always molecularly unstable.
Batman, you've saved
the day again!
- From yourself.
- I don't know how you did it.
The credit must really go to
Robin and Catwoman.
She proves that even the most
vile, depraved
and amoral villain
is capable of redemption.
Gee, thanks, Batman.
While all of Gotham is
grateful for her help,
she must still serve her time.
Understood.
Catwoman, thank you
for all your help.
I promise to act as a character
witness on your behalf.
With good behavior, you'll most
likely get an early parole.
After 15 years or so.
Perhaps there's a better way
to show your gratitude.
And what would that be?
That'll keep me warm on those
cold nights doing hard time.
You'll have to come
with us now, ma'am.
It seems everything is
back the way it should be.
I still want to know who
gave you the antidote.
I'm glad you received
the package, sir.
Alfred?
The bond Alfred and I have
is unbreakable,
which is why we've had
a long-standing arrangement
that if I were ever to fire him,
it would only be because I was
under some evil mind control.
And should that happen,
I was to prepare an antidote
according to Batman's
precise instructions
and list of ingredients.
I hope it wasn't
too difficult, Alfred.
It got a bit messy at times,
but went exactly as planned.
Always one step ahead, Batman.
One step ahead.
One step ahead.
And I've been one step behind
since the very beginning.
How could I not see it?
What is it, Batman?
This has all been
a well-thought-out
distraction by joker,
penguin and Riddler.
They knew the replica ray
was unstable the whole time,
which means they never
planned to duplicate earth.
But we sent them up the river.
No, Robin. Don't you see?
We put their duplicates in jail.
They've been free
the whole time.
Holy triple-cross!
And if my guess is right,
they knew Catwoman's
Batnip would work,
because the joker spiked it with
his own laughing-gas formula,
making it more potent.
Those devilish tricksters
needed me as a distraction.
But from what?
Knowing those fiends,
it's a crime spree
targeting Gotham's most priceless
treasures and irreplaceable artworks.
Well done, Robin.
Exactly what I was thinking.
- The perfect crime.
- Almost.
Let's go!
Holy stowaway!
My feline pride won't allow me to
let those traitors go unpunished.
I want to help.
Please, Catwoman.
Those venal villains
are committing
the biggest heist
Gotham city has ever seen.
You'd be in danger.
You do remember they tried to
shoot me into space. Yes?
Very well.
After all you've done,
you've earned
the right to join us.
Ah. We did it.
Our most perfect plan ever.
Look at our haul.
Priceless treasures
and irreplaceable artwork!
The first puzzle ever created.
Four thousand years old,
and worth a king's ransom.
Ah! That rock's nothing
compared to my little nest egg,
encrusted with a million bucks
worth of diamonds and emeralds.
Whoo!
And at last, I finally got
my hands on this beauty.
A clown painting?
That's worthless.
Oh, Pengi, the value in art
isn't in how much it costs,
it's in how it makes you feel.
Besides, it will be worth lots
once I bump off the artist.
You filthy criminals!
And to think you almost
got away with it.
But no one can outsmart
Batman for very long.
Egad! He's back to his old,
obnoxiously good self.
If we can't outsmart him,
then we'd better outrun him.
Hurry, men, or it's curtains!
The prodigal penguin
always comes prepared.
Quickly! To the whirly-bat!
Look, Batman, it's their
getaway vehicle.
A blimp. Unorthodox,
but diabolical.
Whose idea was it to get such
a slow-moving getaway car?
Patience, my quizzical quipster.
Observe.
Robin, time to use our
exploding Batterangs
on those engines.
Holy Hindenburg!
If we miss the mark,
it'll go up in flames.
Which is why our aim
must be true.
Ready? One, two, three!
They've blown our engines,
you beaked boob!
Silence! Then we must
move the fray
to where this bird of prey
has the advantage.
They're gone.
Wrong. They've just gone up.
Hand over those priceless treasures
and irreplaceable artworks.
You fiends!
You'll be abstract art once you
splat onto the pavement, Batman.
Huh?
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Thanks?
End of the line, joker.
Whoa!
Oh!
Ah!
Ah!
Uh.
Well done, old chum.
We saved Gotham's priceless treasures
and irreplaceable artworks.
Yes.
Saved them from me.
Ta-ta, my stalwart stooges.
This cat's ready to walk
on the wild side again.
Catwoman, consider the
consequences of your actions.
You know a tiger can't
change her stripes, Batman.
Please. By all that's decent,
I beg of you.
I'll give myself up
on one condition.
What's that?
We run away to Europe together,
sip tea in a cafe,
and live happily ever after.
Holy unsatisfying ending.
And, of course, we kill Robin.
Catwoman, you know I can't.
Oh!
- Give me your hand.
- I'm sorry, Batman,
but I won't be
put in a cage again.
No.
Catwoman.
Loving you was wrong,
but I had to do right.
Oh, land's sake,
what a wonderful birthday
you've thrown for me, boys.
Did we surprise you,
aunt Harriet?
Did you?
I knew you two were trying to
keep a secret from me.
But I never suspected
it was this.
There's not much
we could keep from you.
The lengths you went to.
And I was beginning to think
you kept me around
only for appearances.
Appearances, aunt Harriet?
How so?
Oh, simply that the
famous Bruce Wayne
didn't have room for
his ward's old aunt.
But now I know I'm a valued
part of the family,
and I needn't be so insecure.
And you can put an end
to the fishing ruse.
- I promise I won't...
- Sir.
Uh, you'll have to
excuse us, aunt Harriet.
Where are you two going?
The party's just started.
Why, skeet shooting of course.
See you later, aunt Harriet.
Oh, yes, of course.
What?