Baywatch (2017) Movie Script

All right, boys.
Here we go.
Nice and easy.
Oh, man, Mitch,
if you weren't here...
I'm always here.
Don't worry, your friend's
gonna be all right.
Are you Batman?
Sure, pal.
Just bigger and browner.
All right, boys,
get him in.
Have a good run, Mitch.
All right, Steph.
- Yeah, Mitch.
- Yo, Eros.
How's it looking out there?
Lippers are feebs today.
Just eggy.
Ah, eggy beyond, brah.
Nuggin' higher outside
than a full-on gazebo.
Good call, brah.
Come on.
All right, brah-brah!
It's just brah.
Come on, Pete.
Hey, Mitch!
I told you,
you don't have to
do this every day.
I want to. You saved
my sister's life.
You think I'm gonna
forget that?
All right. Well, listen,
tomorrow make my pecs
a little bigger.
And don't cover up
my front bump.
You got it.
Huge dick.
Big dick.
Yo, ellerbee.
Hey, Mitch.
Hey, come on, man,
why don't you leave
my boys alone,
and get off this big wheel
and come join me for a run?
What are you saying,
that I need to work out?
That I'm, what,
looking smaller?
No! You're looking big.
I don't know how you
fit in that uniform, man.
Oh, yeah?
Hey, hey!
If I had a sister,
I'd introduce you
to her, man.
You all right,
all right.
Wait, was that sarcastic?
Like calling
a tall guy "shorty"?
Damn it,
he always does that to me.
I heard he invented Google
and gave it all to charity.
Man, I heard
he invented the cure
for the common cold.
He ain't superman, he's
a damn county lifeguard.
Grown man wears
spandex to work.
So does superman.
Hey, fuck you!
Get off my beach!
I don't even have to
stretch to guard you.
Let's go.
Nothing, nothing,
Ahh! Not on
my beach, Arian!
What up, vern?
What's up, Mitch?
He saved my Nana's life.
I ever tell you about that?
Every time he jogs by.
every single time.
Hi, Mitch.
Flakka. Jesus.
Hey, what's up, buddy?
Hey, Mitch.
Hey, can I see that?
Where'd you get this?
Right there.
Right there, huh?
Is this the only one?
All right.
Okay, I get that you
have to test for
image stabilization,
but why'd we have to
come to the beach?
You know
i hate the beach.
Besides, I got to get back
to work at the Huntley.
Well, I'm sorry, man,
but the beach is important,
okay? It's, uh...
It's, you know,
the wind and the, uh...
I get it.
I get it now,
okay. I get it.
Who... what, c.J.?
No, I didn't even know
she was working
on the beach today.
"I didn't know c.J.
Was working."
Shut up, Dave.
Hey, Ronnie.
It's Ronnie, right?
What the fuck?
Yeah, it's Ronnie.
I'm Dave.
Hi, Dave.
Nice to meet you.
C.J. How you doing?
I'm doing all right.
You're trying out today,
I saw your name
on the board.
That's how I...
Say something.
Kinda feel like
this is your year.
Stop that.
Okay. Um...
Well, I'll see you
at tryouts.
All right, c.J.
That was amazing
to watch.
She came up to you,
she was
very nice and warm.
And you handled it
really smoothly.
Fuck, no.
That was awkward.
It was horrible.
Did you have a stroke?
It felt
like you had a stroke.
Hey, I'm Matt Brody.
And not a single fuck
was given.
Hey, Ronnie.
Oh, hey, Steph.
Welcome back.
Third time's
a charm, right?
Yeah, yeah,
you know, I'm...
I'm more motivated
than ever.
So you're going
to make me
guess your name?
Are you following me?
I was actually just
going to ask you
the same thing.
Okay. Look, you're hot.
I may resist for a while,
but we both know
eventually I'll give in.
So why don't
we just skip that.
Why don't you put
a baby in me?
You know, honestly...
I was thinking
dinner first.
But we could try
the baby thing,
if you want.
You are trying.
Way too hard.
Trying's the best part.
I was hoping
we'd see you here.
I couldn't sleep
last night.
I am so excited.
Hey, it's your day
today, summer.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
Hey, fresh face.
You here for
the qualifiers?
Uh, no, no,
I'm not trying out.
I'm actually
already on the team.
You're already
on this team?
I'm Matt Brody.
Ready for duty.
"Ready for duty"?
Oh, okay.
Um, you got any papers
or anything like that?
I do. There you go.
Oh, it's a permission slip.
Literally. "Dear Mitch,
"i am pleased
to write you on behalf
of Mr. Matt Brody."
Right. Well,
no free passes.
Yeah. Whoa.
At all. Yeah, 'cause
i don't give a shit.
I legit needed those
for my taxes.
What you need is to
understand that if you're
going to be on this team,
you got to earn it.
Yeah. So, why don't
we start this
whole thing over,
just like gentlemen?
Where you from,
one direction?
Um... Iowa?
You heard of it?
i know what it is.
Hey, Steph.
New kids on the block
here is from Iowa.
Oh, man.
And, uh, he says
he's already on the team.
Doesn't have
to try out.
Yeah, absolutely.
Let me ask you this...
A lot of oceans in Iowa?
No, just ponds and lakes
and cocky pretty boys,
Cocky pretty boys.
Hey, Mitch,
what happened to that
last pretty boy recruit
we had?
He died.
Are you guys being
serious right now?
I honestly can't tell.
You show up here,
matching bathing suits.
What is this,
"lifeguard hazing"?
I'm Matt Brody.
I hold the world record
in the 200 meter.
Two gold medals.
Hey! Matt Brody.
Matt Brody.
Yes, yes.
And we still
don't give a fuck.
Don't give a fuck.
No, fresh out.
Fresh out of fucks.
Okay, that ocean out
there has riptides
that'll tear your
little mangina in two.
My mangina?
So you are being serious.
Dead serious,
right now, nsync,
all right?
This ain't no little
fucking pond out of Iowa.
So with all due respect,
you want to be here
on this team,
on our team,
you're gonna
have to earn it.
Look, I get it.
You're big, sasquatch.
But I'm fast.
Really fucking fast.
Which is
why somebody important
thinks I belong here.
So when you two figure out
who the fuck I am,
you can find me
on the beach.
See you.
Did that really
just happen?
It did.
He slapped me.
Yeah. His hands were
soft and supple though,
like a woman.
No offense.
None taken.
You know what, man?
I gotta tell you,
I'm feeling really good
about this year.
You know
what I'm saying?
Good luck out there, man.
Good luck.
And if you need
some extra motivation...
Looking at it
right there.
You okay?
Help! C.J., help!
My friend
is choking! Help!
No, not c.J.
Not c.J. No, no!
Are you okay?
You're choking.
Oh, god.
Are you okay?
You're gonna
be just fine.
Ah! Thank you!
Ronnie, are you okay?
Oh, yeah.
Are you sure?
Yeah, yeah.
No, don't touch,
don't touch.
I'm so good.
You did good, good, good work.
Good job.
Thank you, you can go now.
Okay, um,
drink some water...
Thank you so much.
...I guess.
How does it look?
How does what look?
Down there.
Does not look good at all.
Yeah, what does it
look like?
Looks like your dick
is trapped between
two slats of wood.
Okay, I just...
Fuck, I can't reach it.
I just need you to get down
there and just pop it out.
No, I can't do that at all.
Come on, I just need you...
You grab that dick
and you push it out.
No, no.
Okay. Hi.
I'm going to
help you.
We're going to
deflate the situation
together. Okay?
Think about things
that turn you off.
Maybe like, um...
Like your grandma's
Mmm-mmm. Not working.
No? Okay, cool.
Maybe, like...
Guys, still stuck.
Mitch, hey, need you.
No, no, not Mitch.
Don't bring Mitch over.
Hey, Mitch is here.
Ronnie, you pumped about
the qualifiers, buddy?
You know it, man.
I'm just, um... I'm really...
Really excited to quit
my double major in robotics
and computer science
and really, really do
something with my life.
You don't need
to look down there.
Do not touch me
right now.
Not even touching you.
Wow. Okay.
Looks like you got
your beef
and your biscuits
stuck down there.
It's gonna be okay.
I've been through it, too.
Not a big deal.
Yeah, absolutely.
I was stuck in a woman
for hours once.
Couldn't get out.
Totally the same, yeah?
It's the same thing.
Stuck junk
is stuck junk.
Stuck junk
is stuck junk. Okay.
All right, buddy,
we're gonna have to, uh,
flash-freeze your Johnson.
No, no, it's okay,
it's okay, I got it.
Look, it's okay.
- Oh, my god.
- Nope. Still stuck.
I mean, if you think
about it, it's
a good thing, right?
Hey, uh, how
you feeling, sport?
but could we get
some sort of perimeter
going for the crowd?
Nah. Nobody's looking.
Just us.
God, you're lying.
That's a lot of people.
Mitch, I can't get
the swelling to go down.
All right.
We're going to have
to pull it out.
- Pull it?
- Yeah.
Just like pulling
a tooth.
Don't you touch
my dick!
I'm okay.
are you okay?
Yeah, no, I'm good.
I'm good.
I'm proud of you,
Fuck you, Dave.
You're my worst friend.
Captain, uh, I need to
talk to you about this...
Yeah, Mitch. Look,
you're just in time.
I want you to
watch something.
Check this out.
Matt Brody,
U.S. swimmer, sex symbol
and adrenaline junkie.
How do I define myself?
80% trill and 30% dope.
People think I'm crazy,
that I'm out of control.
How do you think
I got all this gold?
and out of control"
may have worked
for his individual events,
but when it came to the relay,
Brody blew it for the team.
Usa is in
the lead for the team relay
and Brody's in the water
to anchor.
Oh, my god!
Looks like he just
vomited in the pool.
After a night
of partying in rio
led to a streak of
bad luck in the pool,
Brody was dubbed
the "vomit comet."
How do you feel
about losing a medal
for your teammates?
There's no "i" in "team."
But there is a "me."
Are you dyslexic?
I'm Caucasian.
This is the guy you think
is a good PR opportunity
for us?
Wow. Right?
He's reckless,
he's insubordinate.
Come on.
Which is why
we can afford him.
Come on, Mitch.
The guy's only here
he took a plea deal.
A plea deal?
For what?
The specifics
aren't important.
What's important is that
we are his community service.
Come on. He's a train wreck.
With two gold medals.
How many gold medals
do you have?
Probably zero. Okay?
Brody is an American hero with
the face of a Swedish model.
You're losing me.
He's one of
the best swimmers
in the whole world.
There's more to this job
than just swimming.
You know that.
there's also politics.
Now, look, Mitch,
let's be honest.
We're staring into
the abyss here.
City council's already
cut our funding again.
What the council wants
and what the bay needs
are two different things.
I found more flakka
this morning.
Clearly, we have
new dealers in the bay.
And this shit is like
bath salts on meth.
Wow, flakka?
Good work, Mitch.
I'll turn this over
to the police.
Hey, look.
This new guy of yours?
He's not ready for
this kind of trouble.
He doesn't need to be,
and neither do you. Okay?
It's not your job.
It's the busiest time
of the year.
I need you out there
shining for me.
All right, I'll do it.
But he's got to pass
qualifiers first.
You got it.
Which should be easy
considering he's the
"best swimmer in the world."
Good afternoon,
Good afternoon.
So, how is our progress?
Most of the council has
signed off on your terms.
And the rest are
almost there.
Ugh. Councilman,
you seem like the kind of
man who knows how to
seize an opportunity.
Me, too.
Back home,
my younger brother was given
the family business to run
when clearly
i had the business gene.
Why? Because I'm a woman.
So I came to America,
the land of opportunity,
everything is fair here.
But who's to say anymore?
I have a point to prove,
And I'm here to create
an opportunity for you.
I'm sure
they'll come around.
I'm sure they will, too.
Why does she always
look like she's running
in slo-mo?
You see it, too?
She always looks wet.
But not too wet.
She's the reason
i believe in god.
Hey, how's your dick?
Oh, uh, it's good,
you know...
It's better,
you know...
It's just ready
for action.
I got my dick stuck
in a chair earlier.
What? You did?
You haven't heard
about this?
Yeah, I heard.
Everybody's heard.
All right.
Welcome, everybody.
You know, baywatch proudly
accepts only one new
recruit every year.
But the good news for you
is that this year,
we've got three open spots.
Now without further ado,
I'd like to turn it over
to the man
who has 500 career saves.
Give it up for
lieutenant Mitch buchannon.
All right,
thank you.
Thank you.
Baywatch is
the elite of the elite.
Our team's commitment
to protecting
the bay at all costs
is the reason why
the single mom behind me
feels very comfortable
letting her two kids run
right into the water
Thanks, Mitch.
That's right.
And baywatch works
because we follow rules.
We follow rules because
if we don't, people die.
You work in an office
and you doze off at your desk
one day, no big deal.
You slack off here...
Say it with me...
People die.
So here's the thing,
if you've come to baywatch
on your little motorcycle,
thinking you're cool,
trying to work on
your killer tan...
Well, you need to find
another beach to go to.
But if you've come
to sacrifice
for something
much bigger
than yourself,
this is the beach for you.
But you're gonna have to
get through this first. C.J.?
Yeah! C.J.!
There are tons of qualities
that make a great lifeguard.
Today, we're gonna
test all of them
in a grueling
obstacle course
we like to call
"the absentee father."
He's tough. Brutal, even.
His presence
in your life is brief,
but it will scar you
and instill a toughness
in you that will carry
you through birthdays,
christmases and even
"bring your dad
to school day"
when your mom has
to put on
a fake moustache
just so you can fit in
with the other kids.
All right.
Thank you, c.J.
Thank you.
So get out there, kick ass
and make us proud.
Go, baywatch.
On your mark.
Get set!
This is baywatch, people!
- Kick those legs!
- Let's go!
Come on, let's go!
Listen to what she's saying.
Keep it going!
Keep it going!
You are guppies!
One day you will be sharks!
- Pick it up, folks.
- Move those legs!
Who's your daddy now?
Come on, guys!
Come on, guys!
Let's go!
Hustle, hustle, hustle!
Let's go!
You got this! Come on!
Let's go!
Let's go! Let's go!
Up and over!
Let's go, come on!
Way to hustle! Come on,
you're almost there!
Kid's really got
no quit in him.
Attaboy, Ronnie!
Great job!
Oh, fuck.
You know,
you wanna be
on our team,
you're gonna have
to pass this course.
We all do.
Look. Mitch, right?
Lieutenant to you.
Like in the army?
Let me save you
some time. Okay?
You're not gonna be
my big brother here
and put me on the right path.
It doesn't work
like that.
I got where I am today
completely by myself.
So how about you
let me do my job,
and I'll tell you
where to send my checks?
You know,
sharks always swim slowly.
Until they need to attack.
Thank you for
that cryptic
and totally irrelevant
piece of information.
What are you,
'Cause I'm really confused
with what
we've been talking about.
Come on, gold medal.
You afraid I'm gonna kick
your little mermaid ass
all over this course
in front of
all these people?
I mean,
now you're gonna
have to beat me
on the big boy's course,
Well, that was cute.
Probably in record time.
The problem is,
that's not the course.
That's not the course?
So here's what
we're gonna do.
We're gonna go over
to the real course,
and if you beat me
over there,
not only are you
on the team,
but I won't fuck
with you anymore
and I'll call you
by your real name.
Oh, really?
...98, 99, 100!
That was
bullshit, Mitch.
You know
i was already gassed.
Because you were showboating.
You want to be a lifeguard,
you gotta learn to
conserve your energy.
Conserve my energy?
Help! My kids!
Lifeguard tower one!
Look out! Look out!
We're on the go!
Come on, move!
Yo, move!
Watch it!
Move, move, move!
Hey, look out!
Lady, get out of the way!
My kids!
Ma'am, everything's okay.
I'm here to save you.
My name is Matt Brody.
Somebody help!
Ma'am, stop it!
I can't save you if
you're being a dick!
- Where are the other two?
- "Other two"?
Oh, shit.
Here you go. Here you go.
Take him.
You're okay.
Come on.
Breathe for me.
Come on, big man.
Come on.
We'll set you down
right here.
Good. Let's get you
over. Attaboy.
Brody, stop!
One, two, three...
Brody, stop!
What? Why?
Her airway's blocked.
Okay, breathe.
C.J., she good?
Steph, how is she?
She's all right.
You're gonna be good.
Give me some.
Let's get you
to your mom.
All right, guys.
Hey, listen up.
We want to thank you for
a great year of qualifiers.
For those of you who don't
go on and become trainees,
we wanna thank you,
we expect to
see you next year.
To the trainees
who made it,
Oh, my god.
I made it.
I made it!
Oh, my god.
Thank you so much.
You don't ever
have to thank me.
You did this one
on your own.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
What the fuck?
That's my name.
That's my name!
Holy shit!
I made it onto...
Wait. Do not tell me
that I'm the tech guy.
No, I chose you
you have heart,
no quit and you leave it
all out on the beach.
- Thanks, Mitch.
- Congratulations.
high school musical.
You were reckless out there.
Completely destroyed
a motorcycle,
which you stole.
I didn't steal that.
I commandeered it, okay?
Because it was faster
and clearly had insurance.
And by the way,
the lady that I saved,
she didn't seem to mind.
Let me tell you
something, man,
the rescues don't mean
a thing
if you put other people
in danger. Okay?
Now, I get it,
you're fast,
you're fearless.
And I have to make you
a trainee, butterfly,
but you got
a lot to learn.
All right.
Thank you, lieutenant.
All right,
listen up!
Training begins at 0600.
Hot wheels,
I'll see you back
here in the morning.
Sure thing, lieutenant.
Welcome to baywatch.
All right.
I'm so glad
i caught you all.
I don't mean
to interrupt,
but everyone on the beach
is talking about you guys.
Thank you.
Brody, that save
sounds incredible.
but incredible.
Appreciate it.
See that?
Ah, we're just doing
our jobs.
Hey, guys, this is
Victoria Leeds,
the new owner of
the Huntley club.
Hey. How you doing?
Well, I just wanted
to invite all of you
to the Huntley.
We're having
an open house.
It's a kind of a "meet
the neighbors" thing.
Look, I know that
the club's kind of
and probably not
your scene,
but you have
a standing invitation.
Thank you.
We'll keep that in mind.
I'll meet you guys over there.
Please, join us,
You okay?
I'll see you there?
See you then.
Let's go, Frankie.
What are you doing?
I was just, uh...
You know, stargazing.
Under a pier?
Yeah. That way.
Look, you're on the team,
and, um, I don't want
anyone on the team
sleeping outside, so...
Yeah, come on.
You're coming with me.
Let's go.
Brody, let's go,
i don't want to wait
for you. Come on.
Thank you
again, so much.
Really embarrassed.
Yeah, no,
it's totally cool.
Don't worry about it.
Oh, I forgot something
in my car.
Um, just...
Just knock.
You sure Stephanie
won't mind? It's cool?
It's cool.
She won't
mind at all.
Thank you so much.
This is really
cool of you guys.
No problem.
What the fuck?
This is your house,
isn't it?
Yeah, this is, um...
It's my house.
I assume you need
a place to crash.
Come on in.
Just like c.J.,
always picking up strays.
Quit looking
at little Mitch!
It's creepy.
Come and see where
you're gonna crash.
There's your cot.
Don't Jack off
on my sheets.
I can't find my hermit crab.
I think he ran out
earlier today.
He's got short legs,
but he's got
a fast walk, so,
if you'd keep eyes open,
I'd appreciate that.
I will
start combing the beach
first thing at sunup.
This is
echo bravo 153.
Go ahead.
Fuck it. Mitch, can I please
turn the c.B. Off in my room?
Jonas brother, listen to me.
Get your beauty rest.
We're starting bright
and early tomorrow.
How was
your first riptide?
It stings!
That's just
the lactic acid.
Actually, it's
the jellyfish
stuck to you.
What the fuck?
Oh, my god!
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Keep your hands up.
One, two, duck! Again.
One, two, duck!
What you, uh...
What you doing
there, killer?
Um, I don't know.
I don't know.
i don't even know
what I'm doing here.
Mitch sees
something in you.
And I see it,
too. I do.
I really do.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Very important lesson.
That is
the devil's urchin.
One prick out of
that thing
will give you
enough adrenaline
to choke out
a pissed-off bull.
The only problem is,
after that,
you say some crazy-ass shit,
and then you fucking die.
Now pick that up
and take it
to tower one.
So these are just like
laying around everywhere?
Do you want me
to help you?
Okay, look,
let's just be honest,
all right?
I mean,
we've lost him.
No, it's not
your fault.
No, Ted.
Not my boy Ted.
Why, why, Ted?
Why you, Ted?
Don't you do
this to me, Ted!
Don't you do this!
Okay, no.
But, seriously,
i got to help you
because you are
gonna kill someone
with that technique.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Okay. Ready?
Wait, summer,
do you have time
to study later?
Yeah. Um...
Did you just, uh,
look at my boobs?
I... was not
my intention.
I didn't, uh, stare
directly at them.
You're looking
at them right now.
Now I did.
'Cause you're
talking about them.
Testing. Failed.
Oh, my god.
Well, we're gonna be
in swimsuits
a lot, so...
If it's gonna be
a problem for you...
There's not
a problem for me.
At all. Cool.
All right. You just
looked at them again.
No, I didn't.
I was... I didn't...
Yeah, you did.
Well, when you
point them out
like that...
It's a compliment
if you think
about it, sort of.
I'm gonna need more time.
Do I strike you as
a patient woman, councilman?
No, no, I got the council
to sign off on
your real estate proposal.
Just some property owners
won't give approval.
But I'm working on it.
Yeah, well,
you just ran out of time.
Leon, would you show
Mr. Rodriguez
what we do to people
who don't deliver?
I know
you're dealing flakka,
which is gonna
drive down real estate
prices in the bay,
right? Right?
So if anything happens
to me, I will expose you.
And then you'll never get
your approvals.
Such accusations.
I'm not a bond villain.
Well, yet.
You're in politics.
You know that no one can
claw their way to the top
without getting
a little dirt under
their fingernails.
i overestimated you.
But calling me
a drug dealer...
It's so much bigger
than that, you know?
Teach him
some manners.
Have fun, boys.
I agree with...
I overstepped.
I overstepped,
Guys, we can talk
about this.
Leon doesn't talk.
He's a man of action.
There's a purity
to that.
I'm going to kill you.
Damn it.
You do that every time.
I build you up,
and then you ruin
the mystique.
See something you like?
Jesus Christ.
You, uh...
You got me.
You're gonna be cool
and go talk to her
like a real man,
or you gonna stand up here
and be creepy creeperton
through the binoculars?
Look, man, I'm fine
in that department,
so don't worry about me.
I'm sure your approach
to women is snapchatting
a dick pic or two.
Don't ever do that.
A lot of people
screenshot them
Yeah. If it leaks
on the Internet,
it's terrible.
Hola? Is anyone there?
This is baywatch. What is
your emergency? Over.
What is your
position? Over.
my position is the ocean.
Okay, call coast guard.
We got a 10-73.
I'm gonna take
the waverunner.
You and c.J.
Take rescue one.
- Go, go, go!
- Rescue one, asap.
Hold up! Wait, what, what?
What are we doing?
What's a 10-73?
"Fire"? What does that mean?
In the ocean?
You need to
start studying!
Yeah, I know.
Got it. I'm there.
See you out there.
Come on.
Let's go.
I'm coming!
If you're comin',
hurry up.
Where's mine?
You don't get one.
Come on.
Quit screwing around!
Could you wait for me?
Come on.
God damn it, let's go.
Go, go, go!
Lock your arms around
my waist or you're gonna
fucking fall off again!
This is
so awkward, dude.
Hold on. Hold on.
How many buckets of
lotion do you wear a day?
You're like a greasy,
hairless gorilla.
Don't worry, guys!
I got it.
I'll take care of...
If the fire spreads...
All right, I need you
to take the throttle.
That's impossible.
Go between my arms
and take
the fucking throttle!
Holy shit.
When I say so,
hard right turn.
Two. One. Go!
Oh, shit, man.
I don't know.
Oh, thank god.
Are you
the fire water man?
Tell me, where are
your friends?
I don't know.
You stay right here.
Don't move. Okay?
Down here!
Is anyone there?
I hear you!
Get to the front of
the boat! We're coming!
Help me!
Over here!
In the front!
There's a girl trapped
in the front of the boat!
There's too much fire!
No way.
Okay, guapo.
If you want me,
you can have me.
But rapido because
the boat is on fire.
Some other time.
Are you all right?
Can you hear me?
No, I'm not okay!
Help! Please!
Help! In here!
Do not go under
that fire, Brody!
In here!
Please! Help!
Oh, my god!
Take my hand.
Trust me.
Are you hurt?
No. I'm okay.
Good. Hang on.
Miss, are you okay?
Can you help me?
Are you all right?
Are you hurt?
Are you okay?
That was such
a great plan,
just to see fire and
just swim right into it.
You care about me.
I care about you.
Get off that boat, Mitch.
...eight, nine, ten.
Come on.
Hey, other than him,
we did good, right?
we saved everyone.
Yes, including you.
I know that.
I'm just saying,
all things considered,
things could've gone
a lot worse.
Come on!
Is he going to be okay?
Do you know what happened
to the councilman?
No, I don't know.
We were partying,
and then when
we came upstairs, the boat
was already on fire.
You disobeyed
an order out there,
put yourself in danger.
You can't save anyone
if you die.
Yeah, I know.
I messed up. Okay?
I'm just... what are
we still doing here?
Just write this down.
Can we just go?
Victim is male,
five foot nine...
Hey, hey, hey.
Get back right now.
Do not contaminate
my crime scene.
Come on, ellerbee.
Don't give me any of
that jurisdiction shit.
Uh, no, I won't,
because technically,
you don't have
a jurisdiction,
You got one job, make
sure swim-happy white
people don't drown.
Technically, that boat out
there is the coast guard's
jurisdiction. Okay?
And if I would've
waited for them, all
these girls would be dead.
We would have died?
Burned to a crisp.
I'm not ready to die!
I know.
It's okay, you're not.
So technically,
we saved lives.
i see a dead body,
which technically makes
this a crime scene.
Hey, technically, these
"technically's" are wasting
a lot of time, technically.
Thank you,
blue-eyed demon.
And as far as this
dead body goes, look.
Badge on a uniform.
Patch on a swimsuit.
Lieutenant. Beat cop.
So keep us informed
of the investigation
and we're gonna do the same.
All right. Hey, how do
i keep in touch?
Seashell phone,
or do I just
blow into the conch
and you appear?
That's the spirit,
Just call me
on the shell phone.
That's all you gotta do.
I'll tell you this,
if you crack this case,
they're gonna upgrade
you to a Segway
and they're gonna give you
big-boy pants to wear,
cover up
those chicken legs.
Oh, Christ, that's...
Councilman Rodriguez.
Good luck, officer.
Damn, Ronnie.
Oh, shit.
I never really heard
a guy sing that song,
but you're really good.
Thank you.
Uh, c.J., what are
you doing here?
Here? Oh, um,
it's a coed shower.
Coed, cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
Yeah, coed is cool
with me, 'cause I'm
cool with the coeds.
I'm taking lunch orders.
Do you want anything?
I would like a salad.
You sure?
This place has really
good cheesesteaks,
meatball subs,
They really hit the spot.
No, I'll have a salad.
I'm just a straight-up
leafy green type of guy.
That's my type of jam.
Just hook me up
with a salad.
Okay. Salad.
Cool. All right.
By the way, uh,
when we shower in here,
we, uh, keep our suits on.
Right, Phil, Sarah?
But your, uh, clean nips
are looking really good.
Oh, god.
Why me?
How was
your day today?
Uh, I don't know.
A guy died.
Maybe this is why
we keep losing recruits.
- They can't handle it.
- Yeah.
I mean, now that
you know our job
is much more
than you expected, right,
the stakes are higher.
What happened today,
while very tragic,
unfortunately, it does happen.
So if you want to quit,
hey, we totally get it.
But if you don't and
you choose to stay,
just know that baywatch
is more than a job.
It's a way of life.
"A way of life."
You and I both know
I'm sticking around.
Am I the only one
that got a salad?
Look, this is what
i don't understand,
A guy dies.
That's tragic.
But that doesn't mean
that there's anything
sinister going on.
Okay? And even if
there was,
that's not our job.
That's not what we do.
We're lifeguards.
So, this, technically,
has nothing to do with us.
You just heard that cop.
He just told us that.
I just thought you
had to be on a really
restrictive diet
to look like you guys.
Brody, what is it
that you think we do
here at baywatch?
I thought
we were lifeguards.
I thought that
we prevent people
from getting sunburned
and, yeah, occasionally
stop them from drowning.
And that's all you
think that this is?
It's exactly what
i thought it was.
C.J., how about
you throw a few
of last month's
cases at olympiad here
and see what he'd do.
Okay, um...
School of manta ray
in the cove?
You call animal control?
Before animal control
shows up,
the school of manta ray
fly up out of the water,
sting someone in
the chest and they die.
Steve irwin, r.I.P.
How about, uh, sand grifters
running a con on the beach,
Well, I'm not exactly sure
what a sand grifter is,
But I would probably
call the cops.
Sand grifters are,
uh, beach thieves.
Okay, so while you're
working on your tan,
they're stealing things
from families on the beach.
I'll give you
one better.
How about diamond smugglers
who are putting
the rocks in surfboards
and bringing them ashore?
Everything that you guys
are talking about
sounds like a really,
like, entertaining,
but far-fetched TV show.
But if that was the case,
i would
definitely call the cops.
We could call the cops,
and then do nothing,
like most people would.
But that's not us,
it's not
how we operate.
We watch when other people
don't want to watch.
We protect when other people
don't want to protect.
If we do the bare minimum,
sometimes people die.
Guys, we have flakka
that just washed ashore.
That shit is hardcore
and it fucking kills people.
And now we got
a dead body in our bay.
And the girls on that boat
had the same drugs on them
that I found
in front of
Leeds's club.
So my gut says that
it's all connected.
Wait, Leeds did say
there'd be an open
house tonight, right?
Yes, she did.
And we're all going.
What'd you find
on chen?
No criminal record.
No fetishes.
No weird photos.
He's clean.
Makes me feel weird
about the stuff I have
going on in my life.
What about
his bank accounts?
This dude is
not rich at all.
All his money is tied up
in real estate in the bay.
Well, I guess you'll have
to help me persuade him
some other way.
Every man has a price.
Speaking of which,
I know you've been using
my special set of skills
for your own
nefarious purposes,
but additional compensation
would go a long way
in motivating me to
keep my mouth shut.
You're blackmailing me.
Huh? Well, I wouldn't...
I really admire a man
who knows how to
seize an opportunity.
I'm very impressed.
Keep up the good work.
Do we have a deal, or...
I need some closure.
Wow, you look
really nice.
Hey, you look
really nice, too,
baby gap.
That shirt come
in big-boy size?
Well, at least
I'm undercover.
Look at you.
You didn't even try.
All right, guys,
we got a very big night,
with one goal in mind.
It's our only shot to prove
that they're dealing here,
so we gotta make it right.
So, c.J. And Ronnie,
find out who's selling.
Summer, keep an eye on
Leeds and her thugs.
Then Mitch and I will search
the place for where
she hides the product.
You're our lookout.
Guys, if you want to
find drugs at a party,
I can walk in there
and find drugs.
It'd take me, like,
five minutes.
Not 'cause I do it
all the time.
I'm just saying
it's not rocket science.
Okay, troubled youth.
Thank you for that.
The only way
this whole thing is
gonna work out
is if everyone,
does their job.
Can you handle that,
Malibu Ken?
Why is everyone
looking at me? Summer.
Hey, am I the only one
that thinks this is clearly
a job for the police?
Fuck it.
Mr. chen, I'm so glad
you could make it.
I wanted to meet
the new neighbor everyone
is talking about.
So I presume you know
why I had to invite you.
I am not interested in
selling my properties.
Why don't you think
about it, okay?
I of all people know
how hard it is
to run a business.
You never know when
a dry spell could come.
What are you thinking?
I think we case it
and I'll meet you
back here in five.
All right.
Sounds good.
All right, Steph.
So where should I,
like, look out from?
Hey. How are you?
You killed Rodriguez
in front of witnesses.
What the fuck
were you thinking?
They were high.
They didn't
see anything.
They better not have.
Because now Dave
knows too much.
And this better
not come back to me.
I can't have
this unraveling.
Got it?
Now go clean up
your mess.
I'm so glad you came.
Oh, gosh.
Let's get you a real drink.
Greg, the good stuff.
Scotch is
your drink, right?
This is a really nice place
you have here.
You have great taste.
I really respect that.
It's nice to have somebody
who respects you, you know?
I sense trouble.
I think I'm just, uh,
not used to having a boss.
Mitch is threatened.
He should be thrilled
to have you.
Yeah, you'd think.
Oh, my god.
"Lieutenant Matt Brody."
That has such
an amazing ring to it.
Don't you think?
Here. Keep
the whole bottle.
I think you need it.
This'll be fun.
Thank you.
Did you get
any intel on Leeds?
Yeah, I got intel.
That's awesome.
Single malt
35-year-old intel.
And it's fucking
All right, I think
i got something.
Found our access point.
Where is Brody?
Have you seen him?
No. No time.
We gotta move
without him.
Yeah, but we need
our lookout.
What's your deal?
You like torturing guys?
Yeah, you do.
Well, I mean,
i have three brothers, so
I've had a lot of practice.
I take it
you're an only child.
I don't know, honestly.
You don't know?
I grew up in
a foster home.
Oh, shit.
Three of them,
I'm sorry.
Mmm. Don't be.
It was pretty cool.
One of them had a pool.
If it wasn't for
that pool,
I probably wouldn't have
gone to the Olympics.
Yeah. I mean,
that's amazing.
Go from foster home
to winning a gold medal.
Two gold medals.
And I fucking busted my ass
for those gold medals,
so you can't blame me
for celebrating.
Yeah. Huh.
I mean, I've always
wondered what happened
that night.
I knew the relay
was the next day,
but those guys...
They didn't care about me.
They just needed me to win.
Well, you certainly made
sure they did not win.
I lost way
more than they did.
Okay? I lost
all my sponsors.
I'm an olympic champion
and I'm fucking broke.
Ronnie, hey.
Okay, listen. I need you
to create
a distraction for Leeds.
What? How?
the first time
i met you?
The night at chen's?
Oh, yeah.
What? No.
Mitch, no!
Yes. Yes!
God damn it, Ronnie.
You listen to me,
and you listen good.
Every team has a ringer,
and you and only
you are my ringer.
Well, then I guess
I'm your ringer.
You are my goddamn ringer.
Ring, ring?
Ring, ring.
Yeah. Oh, god.
Oh, could I...
Will you just have
one drink with me?
You should probably
actually stop drinking
because you're supposed to
be the lookout for Mitch.
I am looking out for Mitch.
Leeds is right there.
I'm gonna go check it out.
Ladies and gentlemen.
A warm welcome to our host,
Victoria Leeds!
Thank you. Thank you.
So many people.
So as a welcome
to the bay, I, uh...
Oh, god. Mitch,
this is for you.
Oh, wait.
Uh, no, Victoria.
I have something
very special planned
for you, for everyone.
So god help us.
I'll just put
that down. Okay.
Hit it.
That's weird.
Who's Angelo's
fish company?
Doesn't the Huntley get
their fish from Flynn's?
Let's check it out.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
I just got
a little hunch, okay?
You two, what are you
doing back here?
First date.
You can't blame me,
So juvenile.
I'm onto you all.
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together
for whatever that was.
You did good, Ronnie.
Where'd you learn
to dance like that?
Hebrew school.
You were supposed to be
there for us tonight.
You had a job to do.
And now you're trashed.
See, I just... I don't
understand this, man.
If you really think that
there's drugs here,
call the police.
And then what?
We get a few minnows?
The big whale gets away?
Do you hear yourself
when you talk?
I dare you to say one thing
without the ocean in it.
I dare you.
We were depending
on you tonight.
And you fucked up... again.
Watch yourself.
Get this through
your head, Mitch.
You're not a cop.
You're not
the fucking equalizer.
You're a lifeguard,
who sits in
his fucking tower
all day,
'cause that's the only place
he has any sort of power.
This is
the real world, Mitch.
Lifeguards can't do shit.
Come on.
Don't fucking touch me.
Let's go.
Or what?
What're you
gonna do, Mitch?
I didn't touch you.
You dick.
Cool off, pool boy.
That's him!
The vomit comet!
What are you guys
standing around for?
Let's do some shots!
Hey. Thank you.
Summer, this is
your day today.
Yeah, I know it.
Hey, man,
i think, uh...
I think we both said
a few things last night
that we didn't mean.
Not me.
I meant every word.
Come on, man.
You've never gotten drunk
and said
something you don't mean?
I fucked up, man.
I know that.
I'm sorry.
I watched you win
two gold medals.
You were amazing
when it was just you.
But when it came
to the relay,
being part of your team,
your olympic team,
your family,
you blew it.
'Cause you're selfish.
Baywatch is our team.
Baywatch is our family.
These are the keys
to our house.
But you've proven to me
that you don't want to be
part of this family.
So you're done.
'Cause the only thing
you give a shit about
is yourself
and your medals.
You talking 'bout
this medal?
Wow, that's really
Don't you have
two of them, though?
That's not the point.
That's polluting.
Listen, Mitch, I know
i messed up, okay?
I should have listened.
I want to be
a part of this team.
And I will not
let you down again,
i swear.
And by the way,
i think you're
right about Leeds.
And the councilman...
What's his face?
Councilman Rodriguez.
Uh... yeah.
that's it.
The dead guy.
He had this watch.
It was a nice tag watch.
Yeah, I've seen
that watch, too.
On one of Leeds's thugs.
That's it. See?
I want to help, man.
And I want to...
I want to help.
All right.
I'll give you another shot.
Councilman Rodriguez
is connected to all
of this somehow.
And the coroner's office
just released his body.
And I got a plan.
Okay, clear.
Come on, let's go.
left turn, left turn.
What the fuck?
Who taught you how to drive,
Stevie fucking wonder?
You're huge, man.
Very hard to control.
Just get me to the morgue.
That's all I said.
I'm taking us
to the morgue. Go left.
Left, left. Left turn.
We're clear,
we're clear.
All right.
- Oh, no.
- What?
What does that say?
I got us to the morgue.
Good job.
These disguises
are awesome.
I actually feel
like a doctor.
Oh, no.
Read me his toe tag.
It smells like yogurt.
Oh, Jesus.
Read me line 12.
Line 12.
"Alveoli are clean."
Wait, that means that
there was
no smoke in his lungs.
- So how did he die?
- That's the question.
Mcdreamy, get over here.
I need you to help me.
Oh, god, what?
I need you
to check his taint
for needle marks.
You want me to check
his taint?
Don't be a baby.
Lift his scrotum.
Not touching
the man's scrotum.
Lift his ball sac
and check for
anything unusual.
There's... fuck.
Oh, my god.
Dude, it's a taint,
man, it's a taint.
You didn't even look.
Ugh, my god.
Dude, there's been
gloves here literally
the entire time.
You didn't
even say anything.
Yeah... that...
Oh, I'm going in.
All right.
Tell me what you see.
Hair. Lots of hair.
Definitely not a groomer.
Get deeper.
Lift the balls up higher.
And get closer.
Oh, god, it stinks.
I don't know, man.
There's a big something.
There's something.
Oh, there is a hole.
That's just his butthole.
Good job, doc.
I'm posting that.
Do not post that.
The Internet is forever.
It's just a handful
of ball sac.
It's disgusting.
Oh, god.
i can't take you seriously
when the dick is out.
Can you please just
cover the dick?
You cover the dick.
I'm busy.
All right,
check this out.
Cervical fractures
of the fifth, sixth
and seventh vertebrae.
That's how
he was killed.
Broken neck.
So, what?
That could have
happened any time.
I mean, you jumped off
the boat with him, right?
You can literally swan dive
down a flight of stairs
and not break that
many vertebrae.
This was done on purpose.
Why has no one else
figured this out?
What are you talking about?
Figured what out?
Broken neck in
multiple places.
No smoke in his lungs,
which probably means he died
before that boat
was even on fire.
The reason why
no one has figured
this out?
It's murder.
And someone's
covering it up.
Holy shit.
In which case,
I should go
those girls.
No, those girls were too high.
They don't remember anything.
All the more reason
to investigate.
Oh, shit.
Someone's coming.
Hide. Hide!
Put him away.
What do we do now?
Now we hide.
Hide? Where?
I don't like
confined spaces.
This was a bad idea.
Stop being a baby.
Oh, my god!
Shut your mouth.
You're gonna get us caught.
I'm laying on
a dead old lady.
she's not going to bite you,
for Christ's sakes.
Will you shut up?
Our drawers are empty.
Why'd you pick
that drawer?
I'm the only one with
a body in my drawer?
Shh. Shut up!
She smells like
cheese toast and chowder.
Holy Christ.
You just tickled
another man's taint.
Who gives a shit right now?
This was a bad...
Something just
dripped on me.
Shut your mouth.
What is it?
It's all right.
Oh, my god.
It did it again.
Nothing's dripping on me.
Listen to me.
Formaldehyde melts fat.
That's what's
dripping on your face,
necrotic liquid fat.
Now will you
shut the fuck up?
What the fuck
did you just say?
Just sit back and shut up.
Shh. Stop complaining.
Guys, someone's coming.
Be quiet.
It's him.
It is him.
You got the fake files?
We're only here
'cause you broke
his fucking neck.
It's all good.
God damn it.
Keep it together.
Oh, shit.
That's it! I'm out!
No. God damn it!
What do we do?
Hey, gentlemen.
Now that that's over,
I'm gonna need those files.
That must be my phone.
I probably left it
in the, uh, nap room.
Fuck. Give me that phone.
No, lifeguard.
That was
a cheap shot, man!
Damn it.
That guy's
got my phone.
I'll get the car.
All right, meet us
on the far side of
the park!
Give me the phone.
Mister, get off!
Hey, Mitch,
take this one.
Yeah. Thanks, Mikey.
Hey, man,
this is a wake-free zone!
Hey! Oh!
Hi, honey.
I'm going to go get
rid of the bad man
that's in your house.
Mmm. Eat your food.
Why is he here?
I'm gonna need that phone.
This phone?
Fuck your phone.
Oh, you're going
night-night, bitch.
I'm a pig.
Whoa, whoa, wait!
Hey, hey.
No baby pictures.
Have some class.
You're right.
It's bath time, shithead.
All right, ellerbee,
what did we learn
from the perps
after the interrogation?
The only perps
here are you three.
Okay, you turned the canals
into the goddamned x games.
Yeah, that's
'cause we were in
lifeguard pursuit.
Oh, okay. My bad.
Except for there's
no fucking such thing
as "lifeguard pursuit"!
Police do pursuits!
When you do it, it's
just some guys chasing
some other guys.
No offense.
None taken.
Hey, what are you saying?
You're just gonna let
those guys walk?
Okay, um, how do
i explain this so that
you people understand?
"You people"?
"You people"?
Oh, you don't get
to say that.
You're just tan.
Right on.
Come on, brother.
Look, even if
you were police,
which you're not,
and even if this was
your jurisdiction,
which it isn't,
and even if you had
probable cause to pursue,
which you
definitely don't,
what you did would
still be totally illegal.
Okay, well, I mean,
it's a good thing
we're not police, then.
It's like you
purposely only hear
1% of what I say.
Mitch, did you pull
Brody off the beach
to break into
the medical examiner's
office earlier today?
Yeah, you bet I did.
100% and here's why.
The councilman's
boating accident was
no accident at all.
He had no smoke
in his lungs,
his neck was broken
in multiple places.
Which means he was
probably dead before that
boat even caught on fire.
And our investigation
has found that all
of this shady shit
leads right back
to the Huntley.
You don't do investigations.
You're lifeguards.
Police do
When you do it,
it's just a bunch of guys
another bunch of guys.
No offense,
you're included in that.
None taken.
Do you have any proof
of this conspiracy?
Yeah, absolutely. We read
the coroner's report.
It's all in there
before those other
guys switched it.
Yeah, and I recorded
the whole thing
on my cell phone.
the cell phone?
They destroyed it.
Oh. Okay.
So the only evidence that
you had was destroyed.
All the evidence... pfft!
Gone. Doesn't exist.
They're bad guys
and they don't
want us to have it.
Let me try to explain
this to you
in a way that
you people
can understand.
"You people"?
There it is again.
Hey, hey. Be cool.
There it is again.
Just trying
to figure out
what the fuck was
with "you people."
All right, now, look.
Leave law enforcement
to the police. Okay?
And you guys just do the jobs
that I hired you to do.
You remember?
The lifeguarding stuff.
Splish, splash.
Otherwise, I'll fire you.
Now I gotta go clean up
this mess that you made.
you have every reason to
be upset, and I apologize.
do you always do the opposite
of what people ask you to do?
Because I don't know, man,
it looks clear to me.
Nice and quiet.
No, man, you got
to look closer. I knew it.
Flynn's seafood company.
What about
Flynn's seafood company?
They're the ones who
supply all the fish to
the Huntley club, right?
So the question is,
who the fuck is Angelo?
I saw barrels like that
down in the Huntley,
and now they're on
the back of her yacht.
Oh, my god.
Mitch, you're impossible.
My gut says
there's some bad shit
going on over there,
and my balls say we need
to go over there
and check it out.
Yeah. Your balls
said that?
Yes, they did.
'Cause my balls say,
"hey, just take it easy
right here. Just chill."
Why the fuck do
your balls sound like
three-year-old girls?
I don't know, man
that's just how they talk.
But they're wise.
Well, tell your
shriveled, wise balls
we're going
to the Huntley to see
what's in those barrels.
Dude, we are
penetrating the shit
out of this place.
No, I think
it's "infiltrate."
That's what we want to do.
To infiltrate.
You know they're
gonna be looking for us.
That's why we're
going undercover.
In disguise?
Check it out.
I'm undercover.
Yeah. A little
too undercover.
Why the fuck are you
wearing makeup, dude?
What do you mean,
why the heck am i
wearing makeup?
It's a little much.
What was I supposed to do?
Well, what we're
supposed to do is find
the fucking flakka.
Oh, my god.
Angelo's fish company.
There it is.
You are so selfish.
You think this was easy?
It's very
impressive, Princess.
But please shut
the fuck up and focus.
Come on.
Holy shit.
Can't believe Leeds
is doing that shit
during the day.
Yeah. That takes balls.
Holy shit.
It's like breaking bad
in there.
Yeah, dude,
breaking bad.
You were right.
Yeah, I was right.
Let's get him in!
- I got here.
- Right.
We're good.
- Grab his other leg.
- Got it.
a stretcher ready.
Yeah, this is the police.
How can I help you,
you got to get down
to the Huntley asap.
We found the drugs.
Yeah, that sounds
great, Mitch,
but right now I'm busy dealing
with another dead body.
Oh, and this one's
on your beach.
Did you hear that?
First a councilman
and now a shark attack.
That's crazy.
Lifeguard coming through.
You're still calling this
your jurisdiction, right?
We haven't had a dead body
on the beach in years.
But this has got
to be connected
to the Huntley.
We found the drugs here.
I'm telling you.
They're behind this.
Mitch, it's thorpe,
your boss.
Look, stop with
the Huntley crap, okay?
And don't even
come down here.
We don't need you.
Just meet me back
at headquarters.
Right now I gotta deal
with your
new publicity nightmare.
Emerald bay
is reeling this afternoon
from the shocking discovery
of another dead body.
But in the wake of the recent
death of councilman Rodriguez,
the locals here want answers.
I can't believe that no
one was at tower one.
I don't even know
what to say.
Whose shift was it?
Sir, it was mine.
And where were you?
Stalking one of
the most prominent
women in emerald bay?
Blatantly disregarding
your jurisdiction?
Sir, I only stepped away
to check out the Huntley
and find the flakka.
I warned you.
I warned you about
sticking to your job.
This wasn't even
Mitch's fault.
You leave me no choice.
You're done.
I want you off the beach.
I'm putting Brody in charge.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No way.
There's not
a chance... hey...
You can do this
in your sleep.
That's not what I'm saying.
I don't want the position.
I don't...
You have two
gold medals, okay?
You're like
the Stephen Hawking
of swimming,
minus the total
paralysis part.
Unless you want me
to replace you
with someone else.
With all due respect,
that job should go
to Stephanie Holden.
She knows the bay
better than anyone.
I'm no longer interested
in your opinion, buchannon.
Brody, hang back.
Okay, it's just me
and you now.
If you can help me
keep your new pals in line,
I can make sure
that you stick around here
for a long, long time.
And if you don't,
your probation
could get fucked up.
Good talk, Brody.
You're my dawg, right?
I'll see you tomorrow.
Bring it in.
I fucked it up.
Turn in your trunks, Mitch.
I'm going to go.
What, you think
that I wanted this?
It kinda looks
like you did.
If anyone should get the job
it should be Stephanie.
No shit.
I couldn't agree more.
What would you have done?
I wouldn't have
taken the job,
even if they'd
offered it to me.
It was not an offer,
it was a trap.
Guys, guys, come on.
All right? I need you
to work together to help
bieber here figure out
why there's a dead body
on our beach,
and how Leeds
is bringing in drugs
to the bay.
Good luck.
Yo, Mitch!
I'm sorry.
I want you to have something.
My mentor gave me this.
It's the keys to
lifeguard tower one.
Your new post.
No. I'm not ready.
I'm not ready for this,
They need you.
Hi, Mitch. Just checking in
on you again.
Uh, please call us back.
We're worried about you.
No, thanks, man.
Excuse me, ma'am...
Yo, Mitch. It's Brody.
I hit you on the c.B.,
so I know you're listening.
I hope you haven't gone crazy
and started eating
carbs or something.
Everyone says hi.
Come back, man.
I could really use
your help, brother.
You know, well, it all
depends on the data plan
that you want.
everything like that?
Oh, it's all fantastic
with the Internet, sure.
It's Internet-savvy
in function
and there's broadband...
All right. gotta have that.
Yeah, sure.
Samsung has all
the capabilities of
the I.T. Process, and, uh...
Mind if I cut in for a second?
What are you doing here?
I'm here to remind you
who you are.
Come on, buddy.
Snap out of it!
You're wearing
worker man shoes?
how far have you fallen?
I'd love to buy a...
Yes, Mitch.
Come on, man.
You don't just
protect the bay.
You are the bay.
Mitch, the bay needs you.
Hey, do you guys know of
any good bars around here?
Hey, do you guys know
where you can rent a bike?
Oh, yeah,
right up that way.
- This way?
- Uh-huh.
Not too far away.
All right, cool.
Thank you, guys.
Sand grifters.
Get the fuck out of here!
This is my beach!
All right,
we're out of here!
Whoa! Did you see that?
You guys want to
help me figure out
whose stuff this is?
Yo, this cooler is...
Yo, ellerbee?
What's up, man?
How you doing?
Oh, lieutenant Brody!
What you got in the cooler?
Black market organs from
the boogie board bandits?
Oh, you mean this?
No, no.
This is actually
for you.
You see, I'm not Mitch,
I know my place.
I'm just a lifeguard.
And that's it.
I just want to make sure
that you and I
start out on the right foot.
That's it.
So I went ahead
and got something
a little bit special for you.
Which is a double-chocolate
smoothie from chen's.
A double-chocolate smoothie?
From chen's?
They're the best.
You know,
i shouldn't.
But it is my cheat day.
It's your cheat day.
And by the way,
i went ahead and added
that extra protein
for you, dawg.
Oh, my man.
I know you're
trying to keep up.
Yeah, man.
Hey, summer.
Come on, summer.
I think I found
something big here, okay?
I really need your help.
You took marine biology,
Look at these.
Tell me what you think.
Do these look like
shark bites to you?
No, they don't all
look like shark bites.
Hey, let me take a look.
Oh, god,
i can't deal with blood.
I mean,
that one might be.
Those definitely are not.
So they could be,
like, knife wounds.
Yeah, maybe.
Oh, my god,
that's Dave!
- Oh, my god.
- What?
Hey, stop looking
at the picture, dude.
Ronnie, Ronnie,
what did you just say?
That's Dave.
Who's Dave?
I used to work with him.
What do you mean?
Doing what?
Tech stuff.
You wouldn't understand.
I would understand!
What kind of tech stuff?
Holy shit! That's it.
Dave told me that
he was working with Leeds
on something
for the Huntley.
Oh, my god.
Fucking Mitch was right.
Both of these bodies were dead
before they hit the water.
Mitch got set up.
Leeds got rid of him
and we're probably next.
Ronnie, um,
i need your help.
Yes. Please?
Okay, fine.
We really appreciate it.
Because as much as I know
about laptops,
I don't know shit
about computers.
Uh, so Dave had access
to Leeds' server.
Uh, her server,
you mean her network.
Yeah, her network.
That's what I meant.
So we just take a flash drive
and we plug it in, you know.
Get into her cloud and then
steal all her cookies, right?
And then we're...
Straight through the firewall.
Literally none of what
you said made any sense.
Straight over the firewall.
It's not like
a physical thing you do.
Okay, I don't know what
I'm talking about here, dude.
Just... can you do it?
Yeah, it's done.
It's been done
this entire time?
Yeah, man.
Oh, shit,
well, what did we find?
We found a lot of dirt.
Drug dirt,
real estate dirt, yacht dirt.
What the hell are
we supposed to do
with dirt, Ronnie?
I meant evidence.
Oh, evidence.
Well, why didn't you
say so, man?
Heck, yeah!
Thank god you're pretty.
I'm really proud of you,
Guys, we did some digging.
And Mitch was right.
The Huntley is a front
for a giant drug operation.
But I figured out
it's not about
drugs for Leeds,
it's about real estate.
And she's planning on making
the entire bay private.
Yeah, but the town
would never let her.
Yes, it will.
Because she has
every single politician
in this town
on her payroll.
Rodriguez, the taint guy.
What about
the business owners?
Well, most of them sold out
and signed away
their properties.
Leeds blackmailed
the ones who didn't
and used Dave to help
hack into their accounts.
I mean,
she's like some sort of
modern-day j. Edgar hoover.
The vacuum guy.
But there was
one holdout.
And if anything
happens to him,
his property goes
back to the city.
Who do you think
they're gonna sell it to?
We have to warn him.
I tried.
No one's seen him for days.
But Leeds is having a party
on her yacht tonight.
I guarantee you,
she found a way
to get that guy into her boat.
Which is why
we're gonna go
to that party.
Summer, you and i
are going to find
the flakka.
You guys find chen.
Will it work? Maybe.
Will there be
some surprises
along the way?
Is anyone going to die?
I don't know.
Maybe Ronnie.
Sorry, what?
But we are baywatch.
We save lives.
I know because
you guys saved mine.
Let's go kick
that bitch's ass.
Let's do it.
For Mitch.
What are you wearing?
Where are your sleeves?
Listen, I know
where the flakka is.
What, where?
Under the boat?
Yeah. Potentially.
Please don't die.
Do you think
we should kiss?
I think we should kiss.
we may never know
what it was like.
If I die...
Maybe we should
talk about it later.
It was worth a try.
It was a good try.
Ah, fuck. All right.
Don't do anything
too stupid.
I won't.
Summer. Summer!
Yeah, hey.
She's been smuggling it
under the boat
this entire time.
No shit?
We have to let Mitch know.
Okay, yeah.
But Mitch hasn't answered
the phone since he was fired.
Ah, fuck.
The c.B.! Use the c.B.
He's always
listening on the c.B.
Okay, yeah.
Tell him,
Brody found the flakka
and that he needs to meet us
at the Marina at 0900.
0900 is 9:00 A.M.,
so 9:00 P.M. would be 2100.
That system is so
stupid and flawed.
Okay, well, militaries use it
all over the world.
But I'll tell him 2100.
Hey, guys.
I'll bet lurch
over here knows where chen is.
Mitch, if you can hear me,
you were right.
We found the drugs
on Leeds's boat.
No guests allowed upstairs.
Then I guess that means
that you and I are all alone.
And you look like a bad boy.
How about we get
into some trouble?
Too much champagne.
Stephanie! Damn!
Hey, hey.
Are you okay?
She was going to kill me.
- It's okay.
- Shit.
What the fuck is going on?
Put your hands
where I can see them.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Did I kill him?
No, you just
knocked his ass out.
Oh, thank god.
Here's the key.
Here's the key.
All right, guys,
Brody found the flakka.
And let's get you out of here
and call ellerbee, okay?
What about Leeds?
Ronnie and i
will stay here and
keep an eye out
for her, okay?
What? We will?
Okay, yeah, we will.
We're going to be
on the villain's boat.
Whoo! Jason bourne
ain't got shit on me!
If I could please
have your attention.
By this time tomorrow,
the expansion of the Huntley
will be official.
But for now,
let's enjoy the caviar,
the champagne
and the fireworks.
We have a problem.
Wrong time to grow
a conscience, Brody.
Chen's getting away.
How is chen getting away?
- Fucking idiots!
- Ow!
They're trying to trap us.
Plan b.
Get the chopper
to meet us at the barge.
We need to get
the fuck outta here.
What do we do
about him?
Do what you were
supposed to do with chen.
We got chen off the boat.
Do you guys have eyes
on Brody?
No, we still haven't
seen him...
...And we lost Leeds.
Good news. We found Leeds.
Bad news.
She's got Brody in a cage
on the back of a boat.
Oh, my god.
Let's go. Come on.
pretty little dum-dum.
Such a shame.
Why'd you have to
go snooping? Hmm?
Maybe thorpe was wrong
about you after all.
Thorpe? What are you
talking about, "thorpe"?
Oh, you haven't figured
that part out yet.
Where I bribed him, you know,
got Mitch fired,
put your dumb ass
in charge.
All you had to do
was be a lifeguard.
Get a tan.
But instead, you tried to be
like Mitch and save the bay.
Now let's see how long
you can hold your breath.
No, just listen to me.
Just listen...
God... fuck!
No! You have
to listen to me!
You're fucking crazy.
If I was a man,
you'd call me "driven."
Let's go, boys.
You have to
listen to me!
Have a nice swim.
What the fuck?
Damn it, brah!
Thank you.
Where's Leeds?
Leeds is gonna
escape in a helicopter
on that fireworks barge.
Not if we stop her first.
Come on, buddy.
Watch and learn.
Ronnie, come in.
Holy shit, Mitch,
you got him!
Yeah, listen, I got Brody.
He's alive and he's well.
Ronnie, I need you
to figure out a way
to launch those fireworks.
Listen to me.
I want you to
light up the sky.
Okay. Got it, Mitch.
Got it.
That's got to be
her boat up there!
There's the console.
Okay. Let's see
what we got here.
Oh, fucking lifeguards!
What a nuisance!
Take care of them already!
What the fuck? Holy shit!
God damn it, get down!
Miss Leeds,
I'm approaching the barge.
I'll meet you at the top.
Okay. Okay, okay.
Holy shit.
She's gonna get away!
Shit, shit, shit!
Ronnie, c.J., right now.
Let's do this.
Um, yeah, yeah, Mitch.
We're on it. Fuck!
I've never seen any
interface like this.
I don't know
what to fucking do!
Hey! Look at me,
look at me,
look at me!
You are the tech guy.
You are the motherfucking
tech guy.
I'm the motherfucking
tech guy.
Come on, Ronnie.
All right, let's go.
I'm behind you, dude.
All right, watch your step.
There's urchins everywhere.
What, the ones
that kill you?
Let's go, partner.
I like the sound of that.
What the fuck!
Uh... god, oh...
Oh, my god, I got it!
And I'm in.
And... fire!
Holy shit!
It's working, he's turning!
It's go time.
What the hell is
taking you so long?
All right, miss Leeds.
Circling around.
Could you put
that dog down already?
Second level! Fire!
Take that,
The fireworks are almost done.
And then you can land.
Holy shit!
And come to this side,
you imbecile!
None of them are
working anymore.
I think it's over.
Oh, honey. As usual,
i have to do
everything myself.
Oh, don't bother.
He's dead.
Because of you.
Of course because of me.
You do realize I'm
holding a gun, right?
So impulsive.
That's why you walked
right into my plan.
For fuck's sake.
Why don't you
die already?
Let the little boy go.
That's not how
this story ends, Mitch.
You see,
you're not here
to save him.
After all,
he took your job.
So you shot him.
But not before he got
a shot off that killed you.
I don't know.
That seems
a little complicated.
that sounds cheesy.
You won't get away with this!
Oh, I already have,
You know the best
thing about winning
is that you get
to write the story
of what happened.
Isn't that right,
Mr. gold medal?
Fuck you, lady.
What's that?
What the hell?
It's a big red button.
The big red button.
Time to die, boys.
I was born of the sea!
I eat fire coral
and I piss saltwater!
I scratch my back
with a whale's dick,
and I loofah my chest
with his ball sac.
What the fuck?
I'll die when the tide stops
and the moon drowns!
Until then...
Go, baby.
I'm oceanic, motherfucker.
How tacky.
Mitch, you just blew her up!
Plus I'm high
as a motherfucker right now
on devil's urchin.
You stabbed yourself
with one of those?
I thought that was
supposed to kill you.
It does.
And I'm in desperate need
of medical attention.
That wasn't so bad.
That's good luck.
Pick it up.
What? What?
Oh, god,
there's so much blood.
God, why do i
keep looking?
What took you so
long with Leeds?
I didn't want
to make it seem like
it was too easy.
The adrenaline
kept you alive.
Thank god you
make us carry these.
Take it easy.
You saved your
own life this time.
Thank you.
Hey, um...
So I hear you were, uh...
You were right
the whole time.
And, uh...
I owe you an apology.
Owe you an apology.
No apology needed.
I mean,
we saved the bay.
So you can hit us
on that shell phone anytime.
Come on, brother.
My man.
My man.
What part of "you're fired"
do you not understand, Mitch?
Get the fuck off my beach
or I'll have you arrested.
Hey, thorpe.
Oh, my god.
This is our beach, bitch.
And you're under arrest.
That was a badass
right cross, Brody.
You just said my real name.
Hey, killer.
Good morning.
Do you want breakfast?
Okay, cool.
I saw you do that.
Oh, you're still there.
Yup, just the...
Bacon sounds good too.
Good morning.
That was a hell
of a punch, mister.
Thank you.
I mean,
it's not exactly in
the lifeguard manual, but...
Well, I told you
i would learn better
if I had a study buddy.
Don't get ahead
of yourself.
Oh, my god.
Did you just...
Look at my dick?
Now we're even.
Oh, my god.
We're late.
We have to go.
Come on.
I found something.
How'd you get this?
Well, it washed up on shore.
You only threw it
eight feet, dude.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You're very welcome.
Uh, guys,
after finding the drugs,
helping save chen
and helping me
blow up the bad girl
with a Roman candle,
it's a pleasure to say you are
officially no longer trainees.
Yeah, guys.
Hey, guys,
one more important thing.
I want to introduce you
to our new captain
who has been running
our Hawaii division
very successfully
for years now.
The amazing
captain Casey Jean.
Is it just me,
or is she in...
In super-slow motion?
Wow. This is gonna
take a while.
That's how we roll.
Oh, fuck!
All right, here we go.
I think we should roll
with it. Let's do it.
Yeah, we saw it in
the coroner's... coroner's...
Yeah, we saw it
in the corn...
Coroner's. We saw it
in the coroner's report.
It was in
the coroner's report.
I'm gonna get it.
"In the coroner's report."
Yes, we saw it in
the coronary's report.
Stop looking at
the donuts like that
and dump them.
Oh, boy, that was fun.
You're like
a dolphin on cocaine,
but not annoying at all.
You're like if a human
fucked a jet ski...
Which is impossible,
but it'd be so cool.
Okay, I got this.
Come on, dude. Hurry up.
Fuck, how'd you do that?
Because I'm fucking strong.
Let's go.
What do your
balls say?
"Don't follow Mitch's balls.
"Mitch's balls be stupid."
Your hidden balls
want to go to the cartel?
Right now.
It's just a third testicle.
My balls are talking...
I need you to check
his taint for needle marks.
God damn it.
It's, uh... and hairy.
God, it's getting
really fro-y in here.
Love your chest,
it is so...
I like your chest as well.
It doesn't work
when you say it
back to me like that.
Hey, c.J., why do our suits
ride so far up our asses?
It makes us faster
in the water.
Did you just...
Whoa. Please.
I hope that
doesn't make
the boob-lers...
All right.
I'd love it if you
wore tighter pants.
I really would.
Why do you get to play
Mitch buchannon?
You're joking.
No, I've been
Mitch buchannon
for 20 years.
Am I gonna be
in the sequel?
I think you should
be in the sequel.
Do I look like a tiny little
asshole next to him?
Okay, good.