Bear with Us (2016) Movie Script

["The Blue Danube Waltz"
by Johann Strauss II playing]
[bell dings]
[indistinct chattering]
- That looks good.
[gentle piano music]
- All right, we're here.
- And "here" is?
- The place where we had
our first date.
- No, it's not.
- Okay, well, it isn't
technically the same place.
They tore that place down.
- Yeah, but it's built
on the same lot.
- Welcome,
mademoiselle and monsieur,
to the Restaurant Franais.
My name is Arthur.
I will be serving you
this evening.
Tonight's special
is a simple yet elegant
filet mignon stuffed
with foie gras.
It is one delicious thing
stuffed inside another.
What could go wrong, no?
But before we get started,
we have quite the appetizer
for you,
the finest
of escargot paired
with a decadent...
- Marriage proposal.
Quincy Adams,
I love you so much
it makes me crazy.
I wouldn't change
a single thing about you.
So what do you say?
Will you make me
the happiest man in the world?
will you marry me?
[upbeat music]
- Your aunt still has
that cabin, right?
- Who wants to know?
- Uh, I-I do.
- Oh, yeah, she does.
- I want to take Quincy on a--
- A vacation. really?
Did you get that promotion?
- What?
No, I mean,
I don't know.
I don't think
they've decided yet.
- Oh.
- I just thought it would be
good for us to get away
for a few days, you know?
Help us get things back to...
- Normal? Normal would be
breaking up with her
because the stress
of rejection got to be
too much of a burden
on your relationship,
but, you know,
who needs normal?
- I know
I can make it work.
Assess, prepare, execute,
conquer, right?
- Yeah.
- I hear Hawaii is nice
this time of year.
- No, I've already got
the perfect destination.
- Oh.
I thought you might want to...
- Take her somewhere
more exotic.
- I can't really afford
that at the moment.
- Like Orlando.
- It has to be the woods.
There's nothing like gathering
to rekindle
a relationship, right?
- What the fuck
did you just say?
- It sounded better
when I was thinking it.
- I hope so, 'cause it sounded
like shit coming into my ear.
- A cabin in the woods?
Have you ever even
seen a horror movie?
- Yes to both.
No, look:
I know that it's not
the most glamorous location,
but we're gonna make
the most of it.
It's all about
who you're with, right?
- Good point.
So, you want to go
on vacation with me and Colin
to a cabin in the woods?
- Is that really
such a good idea?
I mean, what are you gonna
tell him about--you know?
- Look, I'm just trying to
figure stuff out
right now, okay?
I'm seeing a therapist--
- Therapist?
You hate it
when people give you advice.
- Do you think you can
get off work?
- [scoffs]
I practically run the place.
- You just make the sandwiches.
- Exactly.
Without me,
there are no sandwiches.
- Not to mention,
Colin and I still have
six months left
on our lease, so--
- Yeah, I'm not sure that that's
the best reason to...
- Stay with me.
- Why do I get the feeling
you're not just bringing me--
your best friend of 18 yours,
along with you
to this romantic getaway
to my Aunt Stacy's cabin
in the woods
in the middle of nowhere
to help you and your girlfriend
of two years
rekindle your love?
- Can I trust you with this?
- You're gonna propose again?
You're gonna propose again!
Of course you can trust me,
Come on, give me the rock, huh?
Oh. I'm sorry.
It's in here somewhere.
Just relax.
- Plus if there's
a deranged killer on the loose,
you'll keep me safe.
The slut always
dies first, right?
- Rude.
[both laugh]
I always thought
it was the black guy.
- Hmm.
- We're only going
for the weekend?
- Well, you know my motto:
always be prepared.
- That's the Boy Scout motto.
- Yeah.
- You weren't
a Boy Scout.
- Yeah.
- [sighs]
- Is that tuna?
- It is.
- You're gonna finish that
before we leave, right?
Because it reeks.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Mm. Mm-hmm.
- That's great.
Why did we have to invite Harry?
- It's my aunt's cabin.
- It's his aunt's cabin.
We can't not bring him.
- Mm.
Double negative. What up?
- Well done, Harry.
- Single positive.
- Up up--oh!
[both laugh]
- Let's just get this over with.
- That's the spirit.
Now where's Tammy?
- Tammy? Tammy's coming here?
When did she get back
from Beijing?
I've been dying
to meet the other half
of my other half's
other half.
- She's been back for months.
Where are your bags?
- I don't have any.
- Hello. I'm Harry.
- You certainly are.
[ukulele playing]
- Oh. It's tuned.
- He's not gonna be playing
that the entire time, is he?
- He might.
- Any requests?
I only know three songs.
- Ooh, ooh, uh...
which three?
- Don't encourage him.
- I wrote them all.
It's called "Eagles Victory,"
"Hoops On Fire," and "I Have a Tickle in My Throat."
- That one's a good one.
It's my favorite.
- Here we go with
"A Tickle in My Throat."
- And a three and a two
and a one.
- Tickle
- [laughs]
Why are you in my throat?
- And away we go.
[suspenseful music]
- I spy with my little eye
something brown.
- A tree.
- You're really good
at this game.
- I know.
- Does this thing go any faster?
- Not really,
but in a few years
the savings in gas
will pay for itself.
- [humming]
- Oh, oh, it's this one.
Yep, there, on the right,
I think. Number 666.
- That's really encouraging.
- Okay, guys.
Cell phones in the tin.
- Uh, hold on a minute.
I'd like to watch this video.
- What is so important
that you have to watch it
right this moment?
- Fainting goats.
[goats bleats]
- [laughs]
Why is it fainting?
- Believe it or not,
some mammals involuntarily faint
when startled.
- Awesome.
- Weird.
- [laughs]
- Okay.
internet videos.
- Quincy, your turn.
- Hello?
We're in the middle of nowhere.
I'm not just burying the single
most useful piece
of technology
ever invented.
- Soap?
- The printing press?
- What if something happens?
- Then we will experience
that something together
without distraction.
Think of it like
a trust exercise.
You all trust me, right?
- Mm-hmm.
Quincy, we need a reboot.
This is the first step.
- One small step for man
is one giant leap for--
- Okay, shut up.
- Tammy?
- Oh, I don't have a cell phone.
- Can't say I'm surprised.
All right.
No phones, no internet,
no interruptions.
We are completely cut off
from the outside world.
For the next two days,
we are entirely on our own.
- Except for that guy.
- Howdy, folks.
- Howdy.
- The name's Rick.
- Ranger Rick! Ha!
- Colin. Colin Dense.
Didn't really plan on running
into anybody out here.
- Well, I saw
your environmentally
conscious vehicle and figured
I ought to extend you all
a warm Wilshire Woods welcome.
Don't get too many visitors,
but heck if I'm not glad
you're here.
It's a magical place.
- What's that swanky bracelet
you got going on there?
- This here is my trusty
bear tracker.
They don't make them
like this anymore.
- Are there bears
in these woods?
- You bet your buns there are,
and it's mating season,
so you'd do well
to keep your distance.
Bears can get mighty irritable
when they're trying to scratch
Mother Nature's greatest itch.
- Okay, well, it was nice
to meet you Mr.--
- Ranger.
- Mr. Ranger. But--
- Rick.
- But, Rick...
we have some
serious vacationing to get to.
- Course you do.
Stay safe, folks.
And remember,
bear hunting season's over,
though there should be
plenty of fish in the...lake.
- You have the key, right?
- No. Why would I have the key?
It's your aunt's cabin.
- It's just an expression.
- No, it isn't.
Just open the door.
- Key, key.
Who's got the key?
- Ooh.
I've got a key.
- No rocks!
- Oh, no. Ah! Under the mat.
Under the mat.
That's what Aunt Stacy said.
Under the mat.
Oh. Ah.
- Ooh! Ha ha!
Maybe his name is Matt?
- Oh, exactly.
- What?
- [inhales sharply]
[tea kettle whistling]
[tea kettle
continues to whistle]
- Why are you boiling water?
- Oh, no.
That was already on.
[tea kettle
continues to whistle]
[whistling stops]
- I didn't know
your uncle was black.
- Me, either.
Oh, no,
Yeah, that's not my uncle.
- Weird.
- Also, that's not
my Aunt Stacy.
- I just parked.
You close?
- Just past the Jamesons'.
- Oh.
Well, then you're not close.
- Well, if it makes
you feel any better,
I'm wearing
that dress you like.
- Well, then I'll wait weeks
if I have to.
- Oh, shit.
- What? What's the matter?
- I think
I left the stove on.
- Oh, no. Look, the reservation
is for 8:30--
- No, no, no. Go in.
- No, no, no. I'll wait.
- Go ahead, order without me.
- No, I'm sure you didn't
leave it on.
- But if I don't go back
and check right now,
it'll drive me crazy
all night,
and I won't be able
to enjoy you.
- All right. All right. Well--
- Okay?
- Okay. Drive safely.
- I'll hurry.
- Yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- What is this?
- Oh, no. It's a phone.
We need to hide it.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- What do you think of Harry?
- Oh, I try
not to think of Harry.
- I like his vibe,
you know?
Like, he's got no idea
what's going on.
- That's 'cause he's an idiot.
- What do you think of Tammy?
- I don't know. Why?
- She's got a good vibe,
and she's always digging
whatever's going on.
- Yeah, that's 'cause
she's on drugs.
- Oh.
- My therapist told me that
I should do things
that make me happy.
He called me a strong,
flexible woman.
- All right. So once we get
everyone into the woods,
you make up an excuse
to get away.
Do you have one in mind?
- I left my notebook inside.
- No. That'll never work.
Um, maybe just say
you're gonna grab
some trail mix,
but then you head to the--
- Kitchen to get the trail mix.
- No. You go to the shed.
Any questions?
- Why do girls always go
to the bathroom together?
- Did your therapist say
anything about not going
on vacation with a guy you're
about to break up with?
- I am not planning
on breaking up with Colin.
I was, but I don't know.
Look, let's just get
through this weekend,
and then, if we do split up,
this was, like,
a last hurrah for us,
you know?
- [inhales sharply]
- You don't
have this key either?
- I don't remember the shed
ever needing a key.
- Do you remember it
being a shed?
Because this is a garage.
- I'm sure it seemed smaller
when I was a kid.
- No, it'd be
the other way around.
- Ah.
- When was the last time
you were here?
- Three or four, maybe.
- Years ago?
That's not that bad.
- No, I was
three or four years old.
- Great.
- Did we forget anything?
- Are you sure
about all this?
You can still back out,
and we can just have a nice,
relaxing weekend
and enjoy each other's company.
- Absolutely not.
This trip could change my life.
It could change everything.
I know it's a Hail Mary,
but go big or go home, right?
- Home is where the heart is.
- Unrelated proverbs aside,
I can feel it.
She's gonna say yes
this time.
Let's do this.
Oh, jeez.
- Let's use our flashlights...
- Yeah.
That was stupid
to turn them off.
- To exit.
- [inhaling]
- Where have you guys been?
- Uh, just unpacking.
Preparing for
the big weekend adventure.
- Always be prepared.
- So, who wants
to play a board games?
- Well, I'm bored already, so...
- Not technically a game.
- Let's play "Life."
I fucking rule at "Life."
- Do you?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
You set up the board.
Then, s'mores
by the campfire, huh?
Then, before we go to bed,
The classic cabin
in the woods experience.
The classic cabin
in the woods experience.
[clears throat]
- Oh, I'm cold, all of a sudden.
- Really?
I feel like it's really hot
in here, no?
I'm getting kind of sweaty.
- I'm going to the attic
where my Aunt Stacy
keeps a heating apparatus
so that we may be warmer.
- God, he's such a weirdo.
- Yeah.
Uh, let's find
some sweet tunes, huh?
- Yeah, whatever it is,
could it not be ukulele music?
- No promises.
[static on radio]
- [groaning]
This is an emergency broadcast
for the Smithtown County area.
- What is that?
- Oh, I'm sure it's just a test.
- This is not a test.
- Oh.
- This is a real life
emergency situation.
There have been multiple reports of a ravenous bear
rampaging through the wooded
areas around Lake George,
including but not limited
to Smithtown Ranch
and Wilshire Woods.
The bear has already
taken the lives
of three hikers and is considered extremely dangerous.
Until further notice,
stay in your homes,
lock your doors,
and shut your windows.
And if you have removed
any articles of clothing,
keep them removed.
Be smart, be vigilant.
That is all.
- What the hell?
- Dude, look what I found
in the attic.
Oh! Score!
- Gross.
You can't keep wine in an attic.
- There's a bear on the loose,
and it's gonna kill us all.
- Yeah, no. Fuck this.
We're going home.
And I'm getting my cell phone.
- I think my server is convinced that you are a complete fiction.
- [laughs] What?
- Listen, you'd better hurry
and get here
before I have another
bottle of wine all by myself.
- I can't really hear you
What the fuck's that?
- Hello? Hello?
- Um, where did our phones go?
- I don't think
you're gonna like this,
but I think the bear got them.
- You're right.
I don't like that.
- Why would a bear
want our phones?
- I knew I should have
washed my hands
before I watched
that goat video.
- What?
- My fingers were literally
covered in tuna residue.
- Bears can smell tuna residue
a mile away.
- Even in a hole?
- Even in a hole.
- None of this
makes any sense.
- Some of it makes
a little sense.
- Guys,
you need to see this.
- The bear
slashed the tire.
- Colin, you paid
for the spare, right?
- Yeah, totally.
- The bear stole
the spare tire.
- Maybe I didn't get
the spare tire.
- Oh.
- There's no reason to panic.
- What are you gonna do?
Gut the bear with
your grandfather's rusty knife?
- Maybe.
- Harry, make yourself useful
and open a bottle
of that attic wine.
- Well, yeah,
I've had a good run.
- No one's gonna die.
This is all just
an obstacle in our journey
that we can overcome together.
- Come together.
- Assess, prepare, execute,
We got this.
- What is that?
- It's just a mantra that
he picked up
at this leadership conference,
and he won't shut up about it.
- That sounds like
a whole lot of bullshit.
- No. No, no, it's not a mantra,
and it is not bullshit.
And it was
a management conference.
- Whatever you say.
- Can and will be
used against you.
- Oh, that attic wine
is the worst.
- Now, we've accomplished
the first task: assess.
Now we need to...
- Pizza.
- Prepare.
- Prepare.
- So we should be okay,
as long as we remain inside,
but to make sure,
I want to lock up every door
and shutter every window.
I do not want him seeing us
and getting any ideas.
- Or her.
- Her?
- Could be a sexy lady bear.
- Sexy?
- Also, they're afraid
of loud noises,
so let's get some pots and pans
to bang together.
- Bang together.
- Yes.
[both snickering]
[phone rings]
- Rick here.
- Where the fuck
have you been, Rick?
[sirens blaring]
- Well, I was just greeting--
- Never mind.
You're gonna have to stay on
until somebody can make it back to the station.
A nasty car wreck, Route 4.
Somebody hit a bear!
Big fuckin' mess.
Crashed into some dry brush,
and started a big fuckin' fire.
- Gosh. Is anyone hurt?
- Hurt?
No. More like burned
to a fucking crisp!
- Oh, jeez. Oh, no.
- So look, man the phones.
Don't leave the station
under any circumstance.
- Yes, sir.
- And for the love of
fucking God,
do not let another goddamn bear die on your watch,
or the Wildlife Commission's
gonna have me by the balls.
You were supposed to be
tracking these fuckers.
- I-I--
[dial tone]
- Okay, this is weird.
You know, how Colin proposed?
- Yeah.
- Well, I might have...
kind of accidentally told him
that I was super
afraid of bears.
- Well, props on
the weirdest rejection ever.
- He thinks I'm perfect.
Do you know how much pressure
it is to try to be perfect?
- This is perfect.
- Mm-hmm.
- After all these months
of planning,
I can't believe
it's actually gonna happen.
Are you ready for this?
- I was born ready.
- You were born a month early.
- Because I was ready.
- Relationships
are supposed to be about
accepting a person's flaws
and loving them anyway,
not thinking the person doesn't
have any in the first place.
So he asked me to tell him
one of my flaws, and...
- Fear of bears
isn't really a flaw.
- I'm not good on my feet.
I had to bullshit something.
- Did you?
- You weren't there.
He had these puppy dog eyes.
It was so sad.
- You couldn't have...
I don't know,
tried being honest?
- What does it matter?
We're here,
in this stupid cabin,
being hunted by a bear,
and it just feels so--
- Ironic.
- I was gonna say
suspiciously implausible.
Oh, God.
[girls screaming]
[girls whimpering]
- There!
[snarling, growling]
[animal cries]
[all scream]
- What the hell? What is it?
- A coyote, maybe?
- Coyote?
No, that's no coyote.
That's a bear.
[all gasp]
- A raccoon puppet.
- Uh, I think it's just
half of a raccoon.
- Oh.
- Oh, the bear was just here.
Jesus Christ.
- It kind of looks
like Ranger Rick.
- The popular
Boy Scout mascot?
- Yeah.
- I don't think
he was that popular.
Actually, I don't think
he was the Boy Scout mascot.
- You're right. Ranger Rick
was the raccoon mascot
of the National Wildlife
Federation children's magazine.
- What the fuck are you guys
talking about?
We were almost just killed.
- Get, get, get, get.
- [whimpering]
What's happening to me?
- Don't worry.
It's just a nosebleed.
- You've been doing coke, like,
the entire time we've been here.
What did you expect?
- This is getting
out of control.
We have got to contain
this situation.
this is an intervention.
- This entire trip has been
an intervention for me?
- Yes.
- What? No.
- No.
- But your recreational
drug use is ruining the trip.
- Tammy, I know that we haven't
known each other very long,
but I don't like what
the drugs do to you.
- What--when did you have time
to write that?
- I think that if we are--
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- I didn't know that you guys
felt this way.
I thought
this was a vacation.
- It is,
just not for you.
This trip is so that Quincy
and I can work some things out.
You and Harry are just here
for moral support.
- Oh.
- Give me the cocaine
you brought.
- [groans]
- You can have it back
when you leave.
Cocaine is gonna do nothing
but ruin this trip for everyone.
- [groans]
- Hide this somewhere.
Somewhere over there.
[animal breathing hard,
[water running]
- Colin, why are we really here?
I know that there's something
you're not telling me.
- That's crazy.
We're here because I love you.
That's the truth.
- You know, if you wanted
to open up,
we could have
a talk or something.
- It's just our chance
to get away from it all.
Just enjoy
each other's company.
- Right. In a romantic cabin
in the woods.
In the middle of nowhere.
Where no one can
hear you scream.
- Which means we can scream
as loud as we want.
- I'm exhausted.
- I know things haven't
gone exactly as planned,
but I'm just glad
to be here with you.
- Oh, and tell Harry
to back off of Tammy.
She doesn't need another
unhealthy relationship.
- Uh, okay.
- What?
- I don't really think
he's looking for a relationship.
- Those two are not right
for each other.
- [yawns]
[both scream]
- Oh, that smells awful.
- Yeah.
Who knows how long
it's been baking up there
in that attic?
- Mm.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Harry, what do you do?
- Well, I'm an artist.
- Really? What kind?
- Primarily of the
sandwich persuasion.
- Could you make me one?
- Yeah. Right now?
- Yeah. I'm starving.
I don't think we've eaten
anything this entire trip.
- Hmm. You're right. Hmm.
So, what is your...
- Reuben, probably.
- I mean metaphorically.
- Oh. I want to own
my own vintage clothing store.
I mean, it's stupid. I know.
- No. No, it's not.
I like old clothes.
I've had this shirt for,
like, 15 years too.
- I-I noticed.
Mostly I just work
as a nanny.
- I love kids.
I have a, um...
a savings account set up
for my child's college fund.
- You have kids?
- No, no. No, I don't.
But one day.
- That's definitely the sweetest
thing I've ever heard.
- Well, wait till you hear
your own moans...
after taking a bite of this
fucking sandwich.
- Mmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- [sighs]
You know, I hope
one day someone loves me
as much as Colin loves Quincy.
- Uh,
careful what you wish for.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- I mean--no, I mean,
love is great and all.
It's just, like,
a little wacko to arrange
a whole bear hunting trip
just so he can propose.
Am I right?
- What?
- What are you doing?
You weren't supposed
to tell her.
both: Tell me what?
- God damn it.
So there I am,
down on one knee,
more nervous
than you have ever been
in your entire stupid life,
and she says...
- [slo-mo] No.
- You know why?
Apparently I put her
on a pedestal,
and I don't understand
her flaws, which is crazy,
because she's perfect,
So I asked her to name
one flaw--just one.
And she finally
opened up to me.
Now, I thought that we knew
everything about each other,
but it turns out she has an--
both: Overwhelming
fear of bears.
- Wait. You know about this?
Why would she keep that from me?
- [sighs] Hey, guys...
[insect buzzing]
There's probably something
I should tell you.
- Wait.
Just bear with us.
- So all I have to do is
help Quincy overcome her fear.
Then she'll realize
that she's perfect
like I've always known,
and then we can get married.
- Okay, so, tomorrow, we go out
to hunt the bear--
I.e. me in a bear costume
that I bought,
that was surprisingly expensive.
- Right.
- 'Cause I'm broke.
- Okay. You kept the receipt?
- I did.
- Okay. So, Quincy shoots
the bear with a blank.
Harry plays dead.
- [groans]
- Quincy overcomes her fear,
Harry rips off the bear mask,
gives me the ring,
and Quincy and I
live happily ever after.
- So there isn't
a real bear out there?
- Nope.
It's all part of the plan.
- What about the raccoon?
- Oh, that was all Harry's idea.
Great work, by the way,
with the whole roadkill thing.
- Right.
- I really wish
I'd thought of that.
- And the radio?
- You'd be surprised how easy
it is to reverse
the transmission
on a shortwave radio.
- That's the dumbest
fucking plan I've ever heard.
- No, you don't even know
the half of it.
[upbeat music]
- The evidence is clear.
This wild animal isn't
messing around,
and I don't think pots
and pans are gonna be enough.
That raccoon was just
the beginning.
- Ranger Rick.
- And now things are about
to get grizzly.
- It's actually mostly
black bears around here.
- I don't know what we did
to piss off that bear,
but we need to take care of it
before it takes care of us.
- The ranger specifically said
hunting season's over.
- This isn't hunting.
This is self-defense.
- Now, I'm not a lawyer--
- Ugh,
it's not
like bears are endangered.
I mean, are they?
- You know what is endangered?
Our relationship,
and I'm not gonna
let some bear keep me
from enjoying a romantic weekend
with the love of my life...
and Harry...
and Tammy.
- [retches]
Okay. I'm ready.
[ukulele playing]
- Going on a bear hunt
Tromping through the trees
Going to shoot an animal
Even though Ranger
Rick said we shouldn't
This ragtag
merry bunch of friends--
- Do you want me
to smash that ukulele?
Because I will.
Right over your thick skull.
- Ukulele.
- Yeah. That.
- It's pronounced "ukulele."
- Do you even know
where we are?
- Yeah. I spent every summer
in these woods
as a kid, ages two to four.
I know them like
the back of my hand.
- How many freckles?
- I can't.
- What?
- How many freckles
on the back of your hand?
- Oh. Uh, 12.
- Did you hear that?
- Oh, no.
I hope it's not a bear.
- Don't worry.
I'll keep us safe.
- Oh, crap.
I forgot my...notebook.
- Why do you need a notebook?
- Uh--what I--
- Because he wrote his
bear tracking strategies
in the notebook.
- Oh, yes, the bear tracking
strategy's in the notebook.
- And you can't track a bear
without a strategy.
- That's what I always say.
- Mm-hmm.
- What?
- Yeah. Okay, so...
don't go too far.
I'll be right back.
- What the hell is going on?
[voicemail beeps]
- Hey, baby, I'm calling you from a pay phone at the airport.
I left my cell phone
in the cab like an idiot,
but it's all right,
'cause the pitch went great.
I couldn't have done
this without you.
Listen, I know things
haven't been ideal lately.
If you told me a year ago that I'd lose my job in the city
and end up living
in our summer home,
I wouldn't have believed you.
At least we got to keep
all that wine, huh?
Oh, thanks for sticking
with me, babe.
I think things
are turning around.
Don't finish unpacking just yet.
See you soon.
Love you.
[frantic music]
- [panting]
[leaves rustling]
- So what's going on
with you and Harry?
- What? Nothing.
I just met him.
- That hasn't
stopped you before.
- Thanks for keeping track.
- [whispers] Guys...
- What is it?
- Shh, shh, shh.
- Ugh.
[suspenseful music]
[branch cracks]
[all gasp]
- We have to get inside...
- Who are you?
- Haven't you heard?
- No. That's why I asked.
- There's a bear on the loose.
- That's why we're out here.
It's nice to meet you.
I'm Quincy.
Quincy Adams.
- The radio specifically said
to stay indoors.
[indistinct radio chatter]
Direct orders.
- Finally, somebody
with some sense.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, you hit the gym, huh?
- Nature is my gym.
- Thank you so much,
but we don't need rescuing.
- You think because you got
your hands on a bear rifle,
it means you actually have
what it takes to kill one?
Hunting bears
isn't about this.
It's about this.
We should retreat to your cabin.
Follow me.
- I'm coming.
- If he sees Harry
in the bear costume--
- He's gonna shoot him for real.
- Nice place you got here.
Makes mine look like
an old shanty
held together with garbage
and tree sap.
- I'm sure yours is fine.
- For me, maybe.
Not for you lovely ladies.
But let's not get caught up
playing "whose cabin are we in?"
I heard,
on my police scanner,
some lady crashed her car
straight into a large male bear.
- Oh!
- Killed it dead.
Now, what that means
is that his mate is out there,
and she is angry.
Do you have any idea
what a female bear
will do to avenge a loved one?
I'll spare you the gory details,
but I've seen firsthand what
those five-inch claws can do.
That hunter didn't last long
when he small intestine
was painting the ground
a pretty shade of crimson,
and all he could do was
pick his own guts up
in his hand and scream,
Then the bear ripped off
his hand, too.
- Who are you?
- Oh.
Pardon my manners.
I don't get much human
interaction these days.
The name is Hudson.
You can call me Hud.
I'm a self-trained
wilderness soldier.
You three are safe with me.
- Wait. Where's Harry?
- [panting]
[dramatic music]
- Well, your friend's
on his own now.
And I know it feels wrong,
but sometimes you got
to make the tough calls.
- Nobody is making any calls.
- Yeah, the phones got eaten.
- They're getting smarter.
- Okay, so what's the plan
and how are we
getting out of here?
- Well, you got a car?
That's our best hope.
I would offer mine, but it isn't
exactly road-worthy.
I put it up on cinder blocks
a few years back.
A family of raccoons has since
taken up residence there.
The trash birds,
I call them.
[sighs] Poor raccoons.
They seemed to be mourning
this morning.
[raccoons chittering]
They lost one of their own
to the bear.
- It's Ranger Rick.
- Don't even get me started
on that pansy-ass
son of a bitch!
- Wait, the forest ranger?
- No, the popular
Boy Scout mascot.
- Really?
- No, the forest ranger!
- He's not
a Boy Scout mascot.
- Ooh, before I forget,
I have a request.
- A request?
Of course.
Anything you want,
I will get right on that.
- Great, because
I need batteries.
- Batteries.
- Of the D variety.
- Great. Okay.
Let's all find Hudson
some batteries,
and that way he can go home
and recharge
whatever critical piece
of technology he owns.
- I don't appreciate
your sarcasm.
If it wasn't for me,
you'd be up--
- Colin, we need to talk.
- Who the hell are you?
- Harry. Harry Jameson.
- One does not simply burst
into another man's
residence, Harold Jameson.
- Wait, it's my aunt's cabin.
- Oh.
Why didn't you say so?
Do you know where your aunt
keeps the D batteries?
- What?
No. I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
You don't have to apologize.
You should know, I once killed
a man who scared me like that.
The year was 1994,
and I hadn't eaten
a proper meal in six days.
I'd gone on an exploratory
rafting mission,
but there's been heavy rains,
and then damn rapids
must have been a class six.
Before I knew it, bam!
[all scream]
- Capsized.
I swam ashore and ended up
in the woods,
much like the ones
you're in now,
and on the fifth day,
I had to make a decision:
die of starvation,
or eat my only friend
in the world...
- The squirrel?
- Have I mentioned
any other friends in the story?
- No, you have not.
- So, there I was,
holding him just inches
from my mouth,
drooling for sustenance...
But I couldn't.
So I put him down.
[somber music]
I looked him straight
in the eye...
- The squirrel?
- Yes, you fuck.
And I told him--
I told him
it's the end of the road for us.
And it didn't matter
how much I loved him.
We couldn't survive
together any longer.
So I set him free.
- [sighs]
That's beautiful.
- Wow, okay.
Great story.
I guess it's safe
to say that we're safe,
so you can head on home now.
- No, the story's not over.
Not even close.
- Oh, wow. Great.
Okay, uh...
In that case,
I need to use the bathroom.
Oh, what?
You two can go
to the bathroom together,
but it's weird when guys do it?
[overlapping agreement]
- Okay, then I need
your help in...
the hallway.
- Are you gonna shit
in the hallway?
- What?
Yes. Come on.
- Sorry. Sorry sorry.
- What took you so long?
We were waiting out there.
- I'm, like, really sorry,
but look, we should have done
a dress rehearsal or something.
- You know that we didn't have
the time or the money
for real rehearsals.
- I couldn't get the costume
on by myself,
and then, when I did,
I could hardly see out of it.
- Man, I am tired
of the excuses, all right?
We have a real problem.
- I know.
- Yeah, the crazy woodsman.
- The bear.
- Wait, what?
- There's a real bear
out there, man.
- What do you mean there's
a real bear out there?
- You know,
I'm gonna eat you"?
That kind of a thing.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Uh, I think
I read that bears are
more afraid of us
than we are of them.
- Oh,
I've not read that.
- We will be fine.
Well, I will be fine.
Hudson has a real gun, and if
he sees you dressed as a bear,
he's gonna shoot you
and mount your head on his wall.
- I spent two days
without him,
and I knew that I had a task
to accomplish,
but I couldn't let my human
emotions get in the way.
- You're a really
passionate guy,
and I find that
really attractive in a man.
- Really?
- What?
- Could you just excuse us
for one second?
Come on. Sorry.
- I don't mean to be
the voice of reason here,
but maybe we should
call it quits.
Look, I didn't sign up
for a real bear.
I didn't sign up
for a real gun.
I didn't sign anything,
except for the receipt
for the bear costume,
which put me into overdraft,
just so you know.
- Whoa, what are you doing?
Are you hitting on that guy?
- What? No.
He's just had
a very interesting life.
Besides, my therapist said that
no feelings are bad feelings,
except shoulder tension.
- We are so close.
I can't do this without you.
- Why is it such a big deal
to propose to her like this?
- I don't know.
I just want to give Quincy
a reason to stay with me.
- She has enough reason
to be with you, all right?
You love her like crazy.
You're a handsome fellow.
You've got a good job.
- Had.
- Oh.
- I haven't told Quincy yet.
- [exhales sharply]
Okay, okay..
I have a plan, all right?
Now, you turn the radio on,
and you make sure
that Hudson is listening.
[suspicious music]
- Where are the girls?
- Uh, lady problems.
- What does that even mean?
Don't answer that.
Let's take a break
from all this craziness
and go listen to the radio.
- I love radios.
- Yeah. Great.
- I'd really appreciate it
if you stopped hitting on Harry.
You were supposed to be
my friend on this trip.
You remember that?
- Look, I know that
I just met Harry,
but I think
I really like him.
And why can't you
just be happy for me?
- I would be happy for you
if I thought
that it was going to work.
Look, Colin even said--
No, you know what?
I shouldn't say anything.
- Shouldn't say anything
about what?
- Colin said that Harry
isn't interested in you.
That you two are just not
right for each other.
Harry is a huge idiot,
but at least he has standards.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You know, I don't even--
I don't--I literally
don't know anything.
I haven't known a goddamn thing
since we showed up
to this place.
Everyone's acting weird,
you included,
and now I just want some wine.
Where'd Harry put
that nasty attic wine?
In the attic?
Thank you.
He probably just didn't want
to hurt your feelings.
[static on radio]
- [moaning]
This is an emergency alert from the Smithtown County area.
[clears throat]
Residents are advised
to stay inside their homes.
Emergency teams will be
coming door to door
delivering care packages
filled with water,
bear repellant,
and D batteries.
That is all.
- What are you doing?
- Uh-oh.
- Uh, well, buddy,
I guess you'd better get home
so you can get your
D batteries or whatever.
- Too risky.
Could be a trap.
- A trap set by who?
The bear?
- That's the dumbest
fucking plan I've ever heard.
- You just have to promise not
to let Colin know that you know.
- Plus they're gonna be bringing
a care package here, too, right?
- Right.
- So?
- Oh, God damn it.
- This is ridiculous.
- He has worked so hard
on this, Quincy.
Please play along,
for his sake.
- Okay, just wait here.
Just wait.
- This is all for you!
This whole weekend!
All of it!
Just because he loves you.
- [sighs]
- What was she doing in here?
- No, it's not
what it looks like.
- What does it look like?
- It's just an expression.
And don't worry, I covered.
She doesn't know about the plan.
She just wanted
the nasty attic wine.
- Hudson didn't go for it.
- What?
- It was a good try,
but we're gonna have
to find another way
to distract him.
- I'll distract him.
- Great. How?
- I'll show you what it
looks like to lead someone on.
I don't care if he can
make sandwiches or not.
I mean,
he's really attractive, right?
He's got a great body.
That's always
been enough in the past.
- So what is your plan,
- I said I would
handle it, okay? Jesus!
- Does Hudson really have
that great of a body?
- I'd say a seven.
- A seven?
- But I'm not really
into flannel,
so I might not be
the best person to ask.
We may have been interrupted,
but nothing has changed.
The bear is still out there,
and we need to hurry,
because if we lose the sun,
the bear has the advantage.
- Can bears see in the dark?
- It's, like, midday.
- Exactly.
- Where are Tammy and Hudson?
- I thought you said there
were batteries in here.
- [gasps]
- Hi.
- They'll catch up with us.
Let's go.
- Did you hear that?
They're gone.
- Which leaves you and me
all alone.
- Has nothing I've said
gotten through to you people?
They'll die out there.
- They'll be fine.
- If only there had been time
to tell the rest of my story.
Two days after
I let my squirrel go,
I realized I wasn't alone.
There was a band
of hillbillies hunting me.
- Shh.
Has anyone ever told you
how good you look in flannel?
Like a normal-sized
Paul Bunyan.
- You seem like a...
nice girl, but--
- I'm not a nice girl.
[both moaning]
[phone rings]
- Rick.
[phone rings]
- Where the fuck have you been, Rick? Never mind.
This goddamn fire burned up
right up to a cave.
Trapped a bear inside, Rick.
Had to listen to the fucker
for six hours.
You ever hear a bear scream?
- Oh, no.
Is there anything I can do?
- What are we? A couple of schoolgirls comparing tit sizes?
Of course there's something
you can do.
You can go out there
and track these goddamn bears.
One more dead bear
on your watch,
and I will see to it that you
will never work
another fucking day
in your fucking life!
[bear roars]
Holy shit!
What the fuck was tha--
[dial tone]
[upbeat music]
- Uh, according
to this data--
intel all we need to do
is go that way.
- Oh yeah? You sure
about that book there?
- Mm-hmm.
- You--Maybe I should,
you know, take a look?
- No!
I need to pee.
- Well, pick a tree.
- I mean, I need trail mix.
[dramatic music]
[frantic music]
[suspenseful music]
[frantic music]
- We're too exposed.
We shouldn't be out
in the open like this.
- You're right.
Let's do it in there.
[both breathing heavily]
[both moaning]
- [grunting]
- Mel.
[suspenseful music]
- I love sex!
[both grunting]
- [crying]
[voicemail beeps]
- Hey, Mel,
I know I'm not
supposed to call the house.
I'm sorry, but it's just
I tried your cell
and it went
straight to voicemail.
I'm worried.
Where are you?
They're about to close
the restaurant.
- We should get out more.
This is nice.
[both grunting]
- Hey, babe, I'm calling you from a payphone at the airport.
I left--
- Mr. Carter,
this is officer Berkley.
I'm calling you
from Grace Hospital.
Your wife's been--
your wife's been in
a car accident.
The same wreck that started
the fire
we've been dealing with.
I need you to come to the
hospital as soon as possible.
She's--I can't say
any more over the phone.
I need you to come in.
- The fuck?
[bear grunting]
- Hey!
Come on! Hey!
[bear roars]
- Oh!
- [howling]
- Oh...
[bear growling]
- [yelling]
- [screaming]
[both shouting]
- [screaming continues]
- Wait.
What was that?
- I don't know.
Was it the bear?
- Oh. Look, baby.
There it is.
- This is like a nightmare
come true,
but it's also strangely
What do I do?
- Shoot it.
- Okay.
- Okay, now, deep breaths.
Steady your hands.
Now on three,
I want you to exhale
and squeeze the trigger.
Don't pull...
- Mm-hmm.
- Squeeze.
- Stop! Don't!
[whistle blows]
- [shouting]
- [grunting]
- Rawr!
- Shh. Shh.
Did you hear that?
- Oh.
Sounded like
a rape whistle?
- A bear whistle.
- Ooh!
- I specifically told you
hunting season was over!
I remember, because I forgot
to tell the last group of folks,
and that really came back
to bite me in the butt.
Pardon my language.
- I can assure you this is
all just a big misunderstanding.
- Yeah, we weren't actually
gonna shoot a bear.
- How would you know
what I was going to do?
You were obviously
- Eh! We
were preoccupied.
- It's not you two
I'm worried about.
It's these ones.
It's just--
I just--
- It won't happen again,
I promise.
- And why in God's good name
would I believe
you'd keep your promise?
- Rick, you're just gonna have
to take my word on this one.
- People think that just because
of my gentle disposition
that they can take
advantage of me,
but I will not allow
another bear to die on my watch.
- Out of season.
- Well, yes. Out of season.
Of course.
Do you even have any idea
what kind of danger you were in?
- That is exactly
what I have been saying.
These people blatantly
ignored the radio broadcast.
- Radio broadcast?
- You ignored the second
radio broadcast.
- I don't appreciate your tone.
If it wasn't for me, you'd be--
- Jiminy Christmas!
[breathing hard]
You shouldn't
scare me like that.
I'm a man on the edge.
- Sorry?
- Who are you?
- Harry.
all: It's his aunt's cabin.
- Oh,
why didn't you say so?
- Well, Rick, thanks so much
for stopping by,
but if you're done,
we have some unfinished business
we need to attend to.
- Oh, I finished.
- I most certainly
am not done.
I am not leaving here until I
get through to you people.
It's my job on the line here!
Not to mention
the well-being of the wildlife.
- Just tell us what we need
to do to make it right.
Whatever it takes.
- Well...
your aunt sure
does make a mean lemonade.
Had a boatload of sugar.
I never could resist.
- I'll make us
all some lemonade.
- I will, too.
- Much obliged.
- [groans]
- If you had been there sooner,
we could have done it.
- Been there sooner?
- Yeah,
I was counting on you.
- Dude, it was horrible.
I was stuck in--
- Just stop. Now with Ranger
Rick breathing down our necks,
we're never gonna be able
to execute this as we planned.
There's too many
elements to reassess.
- No.
- You really think a little
lemonade is gonna placate him?
- Yes. No. Oh!
Lemonade and sandwiches.
[plucky music]
- Shit.
What's this doing out?
[birds chirping]
[suspenseful music]
This whole thing
has gone so wrong.
- Do you see this?
This tiny,
expensive piece of rock
is all you need to focus on.
Now listen to me, okay?
We're gonna reassess,
ponder plans of conquests
that we'll execute:
Now listen.
We can still do this.
[dramatic music]
- Oh, thank God.
I'm starving!
- [belches]
- I always forget
how much a good fucking
works up an appetite.
- You know, I think you boys
may have forgotten
the one thing
I specifically asked for:
- Sugar.
- See? You did hear me.
- [chuckles]
I, uh--I put in
a whole bag of sugar,
Mr. Ranger Rick.
But if you want more,
your wish is my command.
- No, I got it.
[dramatic music]
- [gasps]
- Well?
- Hmm?
- What's the holdup?
- Oh, nothing.
Here you go, Ranger Rick.
- [chuckles]
- [groans]
- Oh, thanks, boys.
You know, I think
that I have found a way
to settle this whole thing.
Now, if you'd sign there
agreeing not to hurt
any bears...
- Wait. When did you
have time to write this?
- Now, we'll seal the deal
with a glass of the old yellow.
- Cheers.
- [indistinct mumbling]
- No! Ooh!
Okay! Okay!
Um, Hudson's choking.
Hudson's choking.
Come on.
Come on, man.
Come on.
Oh, yeah, I'll save you.
Harry's got you.
Yeah, don't go towards
the light!
- Stop! Stop!
[overlapping shouting]
- [gulps, belches]
There we go.
Problem solved.
- We have a problem.
- Just one?
- I lost the ring.
- Oh, shit.
- Okay. I am gonna ask you
two questions, Harry,
and you need
to be honest with me.
Where is the ring, and why
did you just molest Hudson?
- Okay. I can kill those
two birds with one stone.
The ring is inside Hudson.
- What?
- Listen.
I've been nothing but supportive
with you on this trip,
and I'd appreciate it
if you didn't take
that tone of voice
with me, mister.
- You let a stranger eat
my grandmother's wedding ring.
- I guess it fell into
the sandwich. I am sorry.
- Okay.
I'm sure he didn't mean it.
- You can take your sympathy
and get--get rid of it.
- Didn't mean it?
Oh, he didn't mean it?
Oh, that makes
everything better, doesn't it?
I'm just gonna propose to Quincy
by wrapping a fucking twig
around her finger!
- Twigs don't really bend.
- She's gonna say no anyway.
- You need to solve this now,
all right?
We are moving forward
with this plan
whether you like it
or--what did you just say?
- I said she doesn't love you.
- That's not what you said.
- It was implied, Harry.
- What are you talking about?
We're working things out.
- She only came on this trip
because she's too much of
a little pussy to confront
her problems directly.
She met somebody else.
Look, I'm sorry, dude.
- Oh.
- Also, it's probably
a good time to tell you,
- Just spit it out.
How much worse can it get?
- Okay. Okay.
She knows about the plan.
But buddy, don't worry,
'cause it's gonna be okay.
- Abort mission.
- Now look what you did.
You didn't have
to tell him that.
- What, you really think
he would be better off living
in some fantasy where he makes
some grand romantic gesture
and lives happily ever after?
- Maybe. I want him to be happy.
- Yeah? Well maybe that's
your problem, you know?
You're just trying
to please everybody.
If you didn't like me,
then you shouldn't
have led me on like that.
- I do like you.
- Exactly. Wait, what?
- Why wouldn't I like you?
You're enthusiastic.
You have a great...taste
in sandwiches,
and you're helping
me and Colin
even though you know
this is a bad idea.
- Then why did you tell Colin
that you weren't
interested in me?
- I never said that.
- No. When I told Quincy--
Fucking cunt face.
Oh, God, that means that I slept
with Hudson for no reason.
- I...watched you and Hudson...
fucking each other.
- What did you just say?
- I was in the garage.
- I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, me, too.
- Look,
I only did it because
I was mad at Quincy,
and we had to find some way
to distract him,
and I just--
I was faking it
the whole time.
Could you just say something?
- I've seen you naked.
- And?
- Oh, yeah.
It was good.
Except for the man
that was inside of you.
That was bad.
Oh, also, I should mention
that Colin poured
all of your cocaine
into the lemonade.
- Wait, all of it?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Oh, shit, man.
I was wondering why
I felt so...rrr!
- Uh! Yeah.
Look, so, what should we do?
- I have an idea.
[upbeat music]
- Harry, what are you doing?
- Saving your marriage.
Oh, Aunt Stacy.
God. No.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Here we go.
Fuck it.
Melanie Carter.
Melanie Carter. Melanie Carter.
No time, Harry.
A-ha! Ha ha!
Of course
this is my aunt's cabin,
and what's more,
Tammy and I, we have a plan.
Come hell or high water,
we are gonna do
exactly what we came here to do:
trick Quincy into shooting
a fake bear
so she can be perfect
and you two can get married.
- Harry, she knows
about the plan. The jig is up.
- Oh! Yeah, I know
she knows about the plan,
but she doesn't know
that you know
that she knows about the plan.
- This is getting confusing.
- In the best way.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Let's do this.
Okay, this is just an obstacle
that we need to overcome.
Assess. Prepare.
- No! No. Up.
No more mantra.
- It's not a mantra.
- Life isn't black and white.
You can't solve all your
problems with four little words!
Sometimes, you got
to get creative: fuck shit up.
- You're right.
- Yeah, I know.
Now, first thing's first.
We're being hunted.
There's still
a real bear out there.
We got to stay safe
and stay vigilant.
If we've removed any articles of
clothing in the past 24 hours,
we've got to keep them off,
just like the radio said.
- But that was you on the radio.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
So what's the plan?
I feel like
I'm ready for anything.
- That's just
natural love feelings.
It's in no way related to all
the cocaine that we drank.
- Okay. So what do we do.
Wait. What?
- Oh, fuck.
You got about two clicks
to get Hudson to drink
all this laxative.
You're my best-looking friend.
- So I went for it.
There was no stopping to me.
I was a killing machine.
Those damn hillbillies
never stood a chance.
- What are you guys
even talking about?
Why are you even here?
Where is everybody?
- This lemonade tastes
different than I remember.
It's bitter.
Doesn't taste good.
I want more of it.
- Colin, where were you?
- Hudson,
you don't have nearly
enough ice in your glass.
I am gonna get you
some more quick.
You don't either.
Ice for everybody.
- I love ice.
[frantic music]
- Here you go.
Wait, no!
Wait, no!
That's not right. Shit!
- What are you doing?
- Uhh.
Why don't you just have
both of these, Hudson?
- If you insist.
- No, I want some more.
- I bet you can't drink both of
those before I drink
just one glass.
- Watch and learn, punk.
- You beat me, Hudson.
I guess you really
are the bigger man, huh?
- There's that sarcasm again.
- Well,
you are a bit bigger.
- You better count
your lucky stars, boy.
If it wasn't for me...
- The bear got Tammy.
- This is exactly what I've been
warning you people about.
I'll save you, Tamantha!
- No, don't you hurt that bear!
- Now, tie him up.
both: What?
- Colin, you got to
trust me, okay?
Tie up Ranger Rick
so he can't leave this house,
or he'll spoil
this whole thing
with one little blow
of his rape whistle.
[somber music]
My ukulele.
- Why do we have to tie him up?
Couldn't you--
- There's no time!
[dramatic music]
- Tammy!
Tammy, where are you?
- Oh!
The bear took her this way.
Yeah, follow me.
- Please don't do this.
You can't kill that bear.
Hasn't the fire already
claimed enough ursine lives?
- Fire?
- Ursine?
- The huge fire that's
devastated the woods
during your whole visit.
From the car wreck.
- I can't believe that
you're doing this.
- We are doing this.
- No, because if we get arrested
I will be claiming otherwise.
- Nobody has to get arrested.
If you let me go,
we'll pretend it never happened.
- You just stay put,
and I will explain
when we get back.
- Bears are just like you
and me, Colin.
Don't you get it?
They live, they love.
When they itch,
they desperately seek a scratch.
When they hunger,
they hunt for salmon.
- I don't care.
- Don't do it!
- Oh, Jesus, uh...
- Don't! Don't.
Don't do it.
[frantic music]
- Let's do this!
[upbeat music]
- Are you sweaty?
I'm so sweaty.
- It's the woods, baby.
Everything's sweaty
in the woods.
This track is fresh.
This way.
- There we were, just me
and the last damn hillbilly.
I'd already slaughtered
his entire plans,
but he was--
[bear panting]
- Ooh. You got to use
the bathroom now, Hudson?
- In fact, I think I do,
all of a sudden.
- Yes.
- Shh. Shh.
There it is.
Okay, baby, this is it.
- I know this isn't
but it's kind of sweet,
and I don't know if it's love,
but my heart's beating out
of my fucking chest.
- Life will never be boring
with me, Quincy.
I can promise you that.
Let's shoot this bear.
- Let's kill this fucker.
- Oh. Ooh.
- How's it going
over there, Hudson?
- Damn. I think the cheese
on that sandwich
must have got me all blocked up.
- What? No.
No, you have to poop, Hudson.
You have to poop now.
Just empty your bowels.
- What the hell
are you talking about?
- If you poop now,
I have a prize for you.
- D batteries?
You found them?
- What? No. No.
No. You don't get them
till after you poop.
- Hand them over, boy.
- No.
You don't get them until after.
- You son of a bitch.
- Ha ha ha ha!
Poop time,
and then battery time, okay?
- Bitch.
- [breathing shakily]
Never fuck
with another man's batteries.
- You're not Tammy.
- Victory!
- Oh, fuck me.
[bear roars]
- [screams]
- Motherfucker!
- What was that?
- Follow me!
- You killed her.
- Damn right I did.
- Where did you hit her?
There's no bullet wound.
- Please help me, God,
in my moment of need.
There's a bear out there.
A bear who needs me.
[bear breathing]
- Fainting bear!
[bear roaring]
- Clever girl.
- That poor,
innocent creature is alone,
helpless, scared.
- Shit.
- And if I don't save it,
I'm afraid
it's gonna be up there with you
in bear heaven
before too long.
- Oh, bitch, no!
- Hudson! I'll save you!
Fuck that shit!
- These are C batteries,
you fuck!
[bear roaring]
- A forest ranger
all I've ever known.
The only thing
I've ever been good at.
If you help me, I promise
to protect your woodlands.
[Tammy groaning]
- I will not fail you now, God.
I am not going down
without a fight.
- Okay, Harry.
You can come out. We did it.
- [panting]
- Tammy?
Where's Harry?
- He should be here
any second with the ring.
- Oh, my God.
- I thought that thing was
supposed to be loaded
with blanks!
- There must have been
a mix-up with the guns.
- Oh, I shot Tammy.
[Harry screaming]
- Oh, my God!
- The bear got Hudson!
- Harry, you can drop the act.
She knows that I know
that she knows.
- No! No, it's not an act.
- Where's the ring?
- Where's Hudson?
- To kill another two birds
with one stone,
or to have killed
a total of four birds
with two stones--
- Harry!
- Hudson is inside the bear.
- I thought
I was the bear.
- Nobody cares about
your sex life.
- No! The real bear!
- I thought there wasn't
a real bear.
- There is a definitely
a real bear.
- Come on, lady bear.
Where are you?
[bear tracker beeping]
Rick's coming to save you now.
Rickety Rick to the rescue.
Rickety Rick.
Ricky, I'm getting you.
It's close by.
I know you're here.
Well, there's a--
Wait a minute.
Is this--
Oh, no.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, sweet Lord, no!
- Hudson's dead?
He and I just--
- He died
the way he lived:
overly concerned
with batteries.
- It wasn't supposed
to happen like this.
- You always take
everything too far.
I don't even know why I went
along with this stupid plan.
- I'm sorry.
I just wanted it to be--
- No.
- God damn it.
- Ugh.
So are you gonna apologize
for shooting me
or just pretend
like it never happened?
- That wasn't my fault.
That gun was supposed
to be loaded with blanks.
- You ever think about
anybody but yourself?
- What are you
complaining about?
You've gotten to fuck
everyone on this trip.
- 100% of the people
that I have fucked on this trip
are now dead.
- What was I thinking
putting you in a cabin
with a couple of guys?
- Quincy,
I slept with Hudson for you,
because I thought that this
stupid plan had some chance
of helping you find happiness,
but all you get off on is making
other people miserable.
- Yeah.
- Shut up, Harry.
- You leech off Colin.
You're nothing but a leech.
- You have no idea
what you're talking about.
I give him everything.
- You give him false hope.
- You broke my ukulele.
- You are an idiot, truly.
- I'm not an idiot.
- Yes, you are.
- I am not an idiot!
Colin is so high strung.
Everybody is.
Look, life is always
a little bit awful,
and if I can play the fool,
make people laugh,
maybe that's what
everybody needs
to get them
through the heartache.
Now for the love of God,
would you go apologize
to the guy who's so crazy
about you he convinced us
to put ourselves in danger
just so he could be romantic?
- Colin.
- Hey, you don't have to--
- No, I do.
Because I haven't
been 100% honest with you
and I need to tell you
- Just spit it out.
- [sighs]
- Colin, Quincy has been
seeing someone else.
- I've been seeing my therapist.
both: What?
- I thought you were seeing
some guy from the gym.
- I met him at the gym.
He's a physical therapist.
- Oh, that makes
so much more sense.
His advice was the worst.
- I got laid off
about a month ago
and I have been
hiding that from you.
[both inhale sharply]
- We're gonna--we're gonna
give you two a moment.
- This was fucked
from the beginning.
- No.
- Such a stupid, stupid idea.
- No.
- I'm sorry I lied to you.
I just--I wanted everything
to be perfect.
[gentle music]
- Nothing is perfect,
- Thanks for going along
with it anyway.
It's pretty amazing of you.
- Well,
what was I supposed to do?
I'm not good on my feet.
I really thought that you
were gonna get that promotion.
- Yeah, so did I.
- That was a really impressive
speech you gave back there.
- Oh, thank you.
I wrote it myself.
- Look,
I know we just met,
and maybe it's the cocaine
talking or the adrenaline
or the copious amounts
of blood loss, but--
- Probably the copious amounts
of blood loss.
- You know, being around
all that insane love,
it makes me want
something like that.
I mean, not exactly
like that, obviously,
but something that's just--
- So...
what's this about a therapist?
- I don't know.
I met him at the gym.
Look, nothing has happened,
There's feelings.
- Why did you even
come on this trip?
- Because we have been
together forever
and I don't know
how to live without you.
I just wanted to give us
one last shot.
- And?
- Mm...I don't know.
you have done
all of this just for me,
and that is by far
the sweetest,
weirdest thing that anyone
has ever done for me.
- I wish there was something
I could do for Colin.
I mean,
we've come this far.
- I think
it's too late now.
Probably best to just
throw in the towel.
- Wait,
what does that mean?
- Dude, that's, like,
a really common expression.
- Maybe it isn't.
- No, it totally is.
- Maybe it isn't too late.
Um, tie that around your leg
like a tourniquet,
because...let's do this.
- So what now?
This was the part where I was
supposed to get down on one knee
and ask you to marry me again,
but the ring is gone,
and somebody actually died
because of me,
because of something that
I thought would be romantic.
This whole trip was a lie
inspired by a lie.
Why did you tell me
you were afraid of bears
when I asked you
to marry me the first time?
- I don't know,
but I'm kind of glad I did.
Look, relationships?
They're the worst.
And what is marriage,
- Yeah.
You are nowhere near perfect.
- That's what I've been trying
to tell you.
- You're selfish, and negative,
and manipulative...
- Okay, okay, but you have
some serious control issues,
and you're pretty much
But you're sneaky,
because you look normal.
- Literally nothing about
this weekend was real.
[dramatic music]
But now it is.
- What?
- It is real.
It is all real.
The bear,
the hunt, the danger.
And I will tell you
something else.
My feelings are real!
Come on!
- Colin!
both: We don't have much time,
but if we act fast,
I think we can still
pull this off.
- Whoa. You really think so?
- I think so. But listen.
I got to be honest
with you, man.
I think Quincy's horrible.
Like, the worst.
She's conceited, entitled.
She's manipulative,
she's lazy, she's boring,
she broke my ukulele,
but you love her,
and that's enough for me, man.
- And she can hear us right now.
- Oh.
- Harry, you're the best friend.
- I know, also, I should
probably tell you,
I think we're staying
in the wrong cabin.
- We can't waste time playing
"whose cabin are we in"?
- No, we cannot.
- What happened to your shirt?
- Love happened.
- Harry, I am gonna propose
to that girl
if it's the last thing I do!
[both growling]
Can you walk?
- I can do anything.
- Good, 'cause we're doing this.
All we have to do
is go back to the cabin,
get Ranger Rick's bear tracker,
find the bear, and shoot it
with Hudson's real gun.
Then I'll cut it open
with my grandfather's knife
so that I can get
my grandmother's ring back
and give Quincy the marriage
proposal she deserves,
no matter what her
answer may be.
Easy peasy.
- Lemon squeezy.
- No, no. No!
- Don't worry. Don't worry.
He can't have gone far.
- Oh, yeah. That's the stuff.
- Oh, oh, oh. Do you want
an aspirin or something, maybe?
Instead of...
- Nope.
- Okay.
- Oh, fuck it.
- Oh!
- To Hudson.
- To Quincy.
- To me!
- [screams]
[all screaming]
- Okay, here's the situation.
- When did you have time
to draw this?
- Now.
Hudson is inside the bear
and the ring is inside Hudson.
- Did the bear eat Hudson whole?
- Oh, oh, oh, this is just
my artistic interpretation.
Don't worry about it.
You still got that knife?
[dramatic music]
- Come on.
Come on, lady bear.
[branch snaps]
- Now!
- Now wait just a minute.
- Quincy, stop him!
- No!
- Aah!
- Quincy!
- I'm not good on my feet!
- [screams]
- [grunts]
Aah! No. Wait.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Yeah!
- Why? Why?
- It's okay.
They like trees.
- That was such good teamwork.
- You're amazing.
- I would make
you sandwiches forever.
- Oh. Oh. Oh.
- What's that beeping?
- All right, listen here, Rick.
Nobody has to get hurt.
We just need to borrow
your bear tracker.
- You don't need the tracker
to find the bear.
- Oh, don't you play dumb
with us, Rick!
My ridiculous boyfriend
has put a lot of effort
into doing something
that's making me
feel good about myself,
so don't fuck this up!
- Yeah, give it to us,
- You don't understand.
You don't need the tracker.
[dramatic music]
[all scream]
[gun clicking]
- It's jammed!
both: We're all gonna die!
- Give me that.
- No!
[bear tracker beeping]
[Rick crying]
- Oh whoa whoa.
- The plan, it--it worked.
[both moaning]
- This is for you, Quincy.
[classical music]
[dry heaving]
[breathing heavily]
[indistinct radio chatter]
What the hell?
[inhales sharply]
Quincy Adams,
we are so fucked up.
People are dead.
You told me
you were afraid of bears
so that you wouldn't have
to break up with me
like a normal person.
Who does that?
But you know what?
I don't care.
Life is bloody,
and it is dangerous,
and I want to spend mine
with you.
Will you do me the honor
of being my wife?
Will you be
Mrs. Quincy Dense?
will you marry me?
- Colin...
[upbeat music]
- I'm no historian
I want to know
how this story ends
If I had a DeLorean
I'd give you shotgun
And amend with our red pens
the sentences that offend
Then go pull some pranks
on our friends just for fun
But that's dumb
I've got a million words
And still a few
you haven't heard
Like "I'm"
and "so" and "sorry,"
But I can't find the one
to make time go backwards
I won't prevaricate
I want a chance
to demonstrate the ways
I could make myself clear,
but it's so opaque
I know you'd see through it,
so don't misconstrue this
My life's so lugubrious when you're not here, my dear
I've got a million words
And still a few you
haven't heard
Like "I'm"
and "so" and "sorry,"
But I can't find a one that
wouldn't sound absurd to say
It's only been a day,
but it hurts
[indistinct chatter]
- Action.
- Just--Just bear with us.
Just...bear with us.
Just bear with us.
Just bear with us.
- My ukulele?
- You got me.
- For me, maybe.
Not for you, lovely ladies.
But let's not get
caught up playing
"whose...line is it anyway?"
- Lemon squeezy.
Lemon squeezy. Lemon squeezy.
Lemon squeezy.
Lemon squeezy.
Stay in your homes.
Lock your doors.
Shut your windows.
Hide your kids, hide your wives,
hide your husbands,
'cause he raping
everybody out there.
bear with us.
Just...bear with us.
Hey, you. Bear with us.
- [screams]
- Oh! Oh.
- Hi.
- I thought
that would work better,
and it did,
but now we're here...
- I'm hungry.
- [snaps fingers]
Let's have some love
for dinner.
- [screams]
- [screams]
- Why...
- Whoa!
- Would you do that?
- For fun...time.
- No!
- For fun time?
- No.
- Sneak up on a girl
in the night.
- [groans]
- Creeper?
Creep her out?
- Does that work for you?
- Nope.
I swear to God,
I better make out with her
by the end of this trip,
or I'm gonna fucking
cut my dick off.
- Cut. Cut.
- Aah!
You wouldn't hit a guy
with glasses, would you?
- Cool your nuts.
- Cool your nuts.
- Young man.
- You cool your nuts,
young man.
- [laughs]
- Yes. And...
- You don't even know
the half of it.
You don't even know
the half...of it.
You don't even know...
the half of it.
I can smell your fear.
It smells good.
- [groans] Damn it.
- Tickle
Why are you
in my throat?
- And away we go.
The car isn't moving, guys.
- I didn't charge it.
- 48, asshole, take three.
- Just bear with us.
Just bear with us.
Bear with us.