Beautiful Wedding (2024) Movie Script

- This is a story
of a couple madly in love.
So mad, they drove
each other crazy.
- Oh, fuck
you, Travis Maddox.
- Fuck you!
- You know, for someone
who claims they're
not a toxic male,
you don't do a very good job.
- Awww, wahh!
Another 10 point loss for Travis
and Abby's stupid
married contest.
- Aw, don't worry.
You lost that contest
a very long time ago.
- Oh, really?
Did you give yourself
a 10 point reduction
when you ran with your
titties out on a public beach?
Or, or how about this morning?
Was your boyfriend surprised
to see the carpets
match the drapes?
- You're gonna let
Mother Theresa push you
around like that?
- Por favor, let's start
from the beginning.
Tell me how you fell in love.
- Well, it all
started at the circle.
It's this underground
fight club.
I'm a pretty big deal at.
- Oh, the ego on you.
- From the
moment I saw her,
I couldn't take my
eyes off of her,
which was a mistake because
I was fighting somebody.
Then I caught her
Insta-stalking me,
which was creepy, if
she wasn't so adorable.
- I was not
Okay, maybe I was.
But he was all I
could think about.
- Then we went on
this really romantic date
and I knew she was the one.
- Yeah, but I thought
he was a total player.
He had a drawer full of
sex toys and condoms.
- So I
made a bet with her.
And if I won, she'd have to
be my roommate for a month.
- Wall of China.
I lost the bet.
And yeah, he was
charming, but crazy.
And I didn't wanna date crazy.
I wanted a nice, normal
guy like Parker Hayes.
- Oh God.
- Who he terrorized.
- Why are you bringing that up?
- Because that's what happened.
- Okay, Miss Honesty,
Why don't we talk about your
morning flogging of the Bishop?
- Bishop Gomez?
- No, it's a euphemism.
She was giving me a hand job.
- This is not a confession.
- He's a priest
- And you're an asshole!
Anyhow, against my
better judgment,
I fell madly in love with him.
He even took me home
to meet his brothers.
And just as everything was
going great, I get abducted
by this Vegas gangster Benny,
because I happened to
be very good at poker.
- And then I saved her.
- And then I saved him.
- And then we
found her stolen money.
Ran away from the bad guys
and lived happily ever after.
- Except we're not
happily, I mean happy.
Which is why we're here.
- Okay, why don't we start
at Happily Ever After?
Was that your wedding night?
- Ehh.
- That's a little unclear.
- Yeah.
We were fucked up.
- Okay, how about we
start six days ago.
When we woke up.
- That
might be helpful.
I never want leave
this bed, pigeon.
- Oh, baby.
Yeah, babe.
- Shep?
- I know what you want, babe.
I always say you want the magic,
Maddox fingers, don't you?
Ooh, tickle, tickle.
You're not Mare.
Mare has brown eyes!
- What are you guys doing?
- Nothing.
- Where's Mare?
- Mare?
- Yeah.
- Where is Mare?
- I don't know.
- Mare, pumpkin, where are you?
- What the fuck
happened last night?
- What the hell
happened last night?
- I, I don't know.
I don't know.
- Whoa.
- Where did all this
money come from?
- Benny.
- No, this is
Benny's money right here.
- I'm confused.
- Oh, I think I went
gambling last night.
- Oh my God, what is going on?
Oh, guys, hey were on TV.
- Oh my God.
- I guess you won?
- Good work.
- So we all split it?
- Lucky 13.
- Oh!
- Oh there
you go, camera.
- I have
no memory of that!
- I don't remember that.
I wonder what we sang?
- Again, you took care of me.
- Yeah, 'cause I love you.
- Oh, babe.
- Yeah.
- I fingered Travis.
- What?
- What?
- What?
- What?
- What?
- That's not real.
I wouldn't do that.
- It looks pretty real.
- Oh, shit guy, guys.
Look, look, look at the screen.
- That's not real.
That's, that's just us
goofing around, right?
- That, that's funny.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh my God.
- Okay, Okay, Abby.
- Oh my god, we
got married last night?
- Abby, its okay.
Look at me.
- Oh my God.
- This probably isn't
an ideal way to do this,
but I love you.
I really do love you and,
and I wish that
my family was here
to see you and me like this.
I love you.
- Oh, Abby.
- That's not what we needed.
Well, hey, listen,
on the bright side,
I thought that,
I thought that speech
was very romantic.
- Hello.
- Hi, this is at the
front desk with a reminder
that checkout was an hour ago.
So there's gonna be a
surcharge of about $180,000.
You fucking ass-clowns.
- Wait, is that Benny?
- Benny?
- Who's Benny?
- Benny?
- No, no, no I got this.
Don't worry.
- No, I got this.
- What is it with
your generation
and the utter lack of manners?
There's no good morning,
how's your day?
- Look, I know all about
the con that you and my dad
and Jesse tried to screw
me over with, okay?
- Yeah, that's ancient history.
This is about Travis,
assuming your debt
by fighting against Chernobyl.
Money that I did not get back.
- I have it.
I'm hanging up on you.
- Well, I can see who wears
the balls in this relationship.
I want to see the two of
you in my office in an hour.
And don't you even
think of skipping town.
- At least Let me
- Come on, pool.
Let's go.
Don't fucking look
at me like that.
Let's go.
- He's bluffing.
- Yeah.
- Gun!
- Oh my God!
Get him, get him!
Good job, baby.
- No!
- Get in there!
- I'm proud of you.
- Did you just
fucking kick my cousin?
- He's down.
It's okay.
Give you something to
cool down with.
- Oh God.
Oh, oh my God.
- Guys.
- Guys, no.
- Oh yeah.
- Oh yeah.
You like that?
- You thirsty?
- Okay.
- Drink up!
- There you go.
- Guys?
- Hold on,
we're almost done.
- Hold on.
- Guys!
- Oops.
- Hello?
Anyone home?
- Attention!
Jerry won't be joining us.
Stupid son-of-a-bitch
did that keto thing
and is now pissing kidney
stones the size of leema beans.
- Lima.
- Huh?
- And you are?
- Chief Warrant
Officer Delroy Murphy.
But my friends and
enemies call me Buzz.
- Hi, Buzz.
- Lady Hawk and I will be
flying you down to Meh-hee-co.
- That thing can't
fly to Mexico.
- Don't tell me my
business, sweet peach.
Lady Hawk has been
retrofitted and modified!
The Millennium fucking Falcon.
- Star Wars!
- I'll take you
down to Meh-hee-co.
No passports, no questions.
The whole enchilada
for 10 grand.
- Wow, that's pretty-
- We'll take it.
What, like we have a choice?
Here's 5K now,
and then I'll give you the rest
when we make it
there in one piece.
- I like your style.
- Okay, what about getting back?
- That's not my problem, Slotty.
- Okay, um, you guys have fun
with, uh, Lando Calrissian
and his macho-
- Roger
Whoa, this is so cool.
Wireless headsets.
Hey Buzz, you got
Spotify on this?
- You want an ass-whippin'?
- I'm gonna be, uh,
really honest right now.
This whole, uh, Vegas
gangster combined
with fleeing to Mexico
got me really on edge.
So I'm assuming that no one
has any Xanax or alcohol.
So I'm gonna need you
- Oh, babe.
- to follow me
- My sternum.
- Into whatever the
fuck that thing is
and send me into
a dopamine coma.
- Okay.
Hello, Mile High Club.
- They're gonna
have so much fun.
- This is fun.
- Yeah.
- This is fun.
- A hundred and thirty-eight
thousand, seven hundred
and ninety-eight dollars.
- Damn.
- What you doing?
- I am texting Sancho.
- Who is Sancho?
- He's the concierge at a
luxury villa in Gatito, Mexico
that I just booked.
- Sounds out of our price range.
- You just said that
we have $138,000.
- Yeah, but I-
- And it's my honeymoon.
- Well, sure.
- It's my honeymoon.
- Hey, Buzz?
- Yeah?
- We're going to Gatito, Mexico.
- Copy that.
- Thanks.
- Happy wife, happy wife.
- Oh yeah,
that is, that is true.
- Happy wife, happy life.
Oh, come on.
- What?
- You can't tell me that you're
not freaking out about this.
Travis, we're married.
That means that you're
stuck with me forever.
- Well, I have had
some reservations.
Like the fact that
you're beautiful, smart.
Can make us a fortune of
money in less than an hour.
But, I will never, ever
find anyone like you.
- Love you so much.
- Rise and
shine sleepyheads.
We have arrived at
your destination.
Open the door, and get some air.
Take in the view.
- The plane, the plane!
- If you get into trouble,
you know where to find me.
I also do hostage and
rescue situations.
- Thanks.
Well, you're a man
of your word, Buzz,
So, here you go.
Thank you.
- Hey honey, I
think it's this way.
- Hola! Seor y Seora Maddox!
- Gracias!
- Oh, no, America.
- America!
Home of the brave!
- Hola!
- Okay, okay, okay.
So much to do and
so little time.
- Don't touch me.
- Okay, Welcome!
This is the room of living.
Here, we have everything.
If you have no clothes,
I will give you clothes.
- Do you have ESPN?
Because the Sacramento kings
are in the NBA finals tonight,
and I've waited my
whole life for this.
- ESPN, yes.
Yes, S-U-V, D-U-J.
We have everything.
- Right, but do you have ESPN?
- I make
dreams come true!
Look, my friend, Blondie.
You don't worry.
We have it, we have
it, we have it.
Come on, come,
come, come with me.
Come, come, come, come, come.
Come, come, come, come.
Seor Shepley y
Seorita Estados Unidos.
- That's not my name.
- Come, come, come.
Un momento.
- Oh, he said to wait.
- Yeah, that's not
happening, Seora Maddox.
- Who says I'm
taking Seora Maddox?
I like my name.
Abby Abernathy is a great name.
It has a really good flow to it.
Oh, but Travis Abernathy?
You could be trendsetting.
- You want to castrate me too?
- No.
- Hey, wait!
- What?
- You almost just
crossed the threshold.
- Oh!
- It's bad luck, you know.
You know we Maddoxes have our
own form of this tradition?
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, this isn't too barbaric.
- Horny.
- Oh my God!
This is so cute.
- Yeah!
- Look, look, look,
it has our initials!
Wait, hold on.
Wait, wait, wait, I
wanna get a photo.
I wanna get a photo.
No, I want you to
hold me for the photo.
- Okay.
- Lift me up.
- Lifting.
- Smile.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Okay.
Now get one of me on the bed.
No, actually will
you hold it lower
and then will you flip it?
You like it?
- I like it, yeah.
- Okay, will you do one
more flipped the other way?
- Got it, I got it, I got it.
- Got it?
- I got it.
- Okay, do you want
one on the bed?
- No.
- No, but it was so
cute with our initials on it.
- T and A.
It stands for titty and ass,
cuz you got the best.
- You are such a neanderthal.
- Ooo-gah, Ooo-gah.
- Ooh-gah?
- Ooo-gah hate this pillow.
- This Ooo-gah wanna
consummate his marriage?
- Ooo-gah wanna fuck.
- Yeah?
- Ooo-gah.
- Adios!
- No, thank you.
- No, thank you!
- No, gracias!
- No, thank you.
- Thank
you, no, no, no.
I don't know about you,
but hearing a
traditional Mexican song
about a cockroach really
gets me in the mood.
- Here.
How about this?
- Thank you, much better.
Where were we?
- Come here.
- Condoms.
- Is this the only
protection we have?
- I didn't bring any.
Did you?
- No.
- Wait a minute.
We don't need protection,
we're married.
- Easy, Dracula.
I'm too young to be married,
let alone have a kid.
- We can pull out.
- No.
- I have complete control over
my seminal fluid emission.
- That's a cliche that's
caused like thousands
of unwanted pregnancies.
We could do other things.
Other things like,
- That's interesting.
I was thinking other
things like this.
- Ooh, that's interesting.
- Yeah, this is good.
This is better actually.
- This is fun.
- This is fun.
I'm glad we're doing this.
- Right, I'm glad
we're doing this.
We should really
do it more often.
- I agree.
No, this is great.
Those are my balls.
- Mmm-hmm.
- It's cool.
- A little faster?
- Yeah, let's go
really fast right now.
Let's kick this up a notch.
- Are you satisfied?
I'm satisfied.
- No.
- Come here.
Get 'em off, get 'em off.
We're gonna be safe, right?
- Yeah.
- You're not gonna get a drop!
- I promise.
- Got it?
- Mm-hmm.
- Just an inch.
- An inch.
- Just an inch.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- It's a nice inch.
Maybe like a little-
- Another inch?
- A little bit more,
like another inch?
Yeah, maybe another inch.
- Another inch?
- Yeah.
But maybe like a,
- You're gonna have
to be more clear.
- No, I just-
- I don't under-
- Now, that's in.
- That feels way better
without the rubber.
Yeah, like, whoa.
Babe, you're blacking
my escape hatch.
- Oh, I'm so close.
- Oh, I know, but so am I.
That's why this is a problem.
- Oh, Goddammit!
Go get me a condom, like now!
- Where?
It's not like there's a
CVS across the street.
- I don't know, Shepley.
Shepley must have condoms.
- Okay, fine, I'm going.
No, no, don't touch the pillow.
- Hey, Travis?
You got any condoms, you
got any condoms on you?
Because I, because I ran out.
- You look
like a man in love.
- Thank you.
- A man's man in love.
- Thanks.
- A man's man-
- Where's my wife?
- Man.
She's ready.
- Ta-da!
- Wow.
You look amazing.
- Thank you.
So do you.
- Wow. Look at this.
- This is beautiful.
Thank you.
- Eh, eh, eh, eh.
There you go.
There you go.
Very good. Very good.
Now, Pino has prepared a
traditional seven-course meal
for newlyweds especially.
- Thank you.
- Okay. Enjoy.
- Well, here's to us.
And happily ever after.
I love you, pigeon.
- I love you too.
So I, I made this.
- I didn't know we
were doing gifts.
- Yeah.
It's just a little something
I made on the flight
while you were sleeping.
Travis, I love you so much.
- I love you too.
What is it?
- It's a
pro/con list to see if,
if we should stay married or-
- Or-
- Or we get a quick annulment.
What happened?
- Why is it so decorated?
- I thought that maybe
if you saw how much effort,
I put into making it pretty,
you would, you'd maybe like it.
- I don't like it.
This is like getting
cancer news framed.
This is a pro/con list.
- Just to help us gain some
clarity, only while we're here.
And look, I even gave
this a 30-point head start
because you have
the biggest dick.
- Ooh, who's got the big dick?
- This guy.
- I knew it!
I knew it! I knew it!
That is why you are so
I knew a powerful
and successful man who, alas,
had a small dick,
he was a insecure.
- I'll agree to this
if you get him to
stop talking about it.
- Deal. Sancho, what is this?
- Soup. That is soup.
That is the first course.
I shall be back.
- Yum.
This is amazing.
You know, this reminds me of,
of this one time when I
was, I was really young.
I think I was...
I dunno, I must have been
around 12 or, or something.
And my grandmother,
she's passed,
but she was so
funny and wonderful.
- Well, screw her.
- Screw my dead grandmother?
- Oh.
When do I get to meet her?
- What?
Travis, are you listening to me?
- I'm sorry.
I'm not feeling very well.
I do not want to
ruin this moment.
I'm gonna run off and throw up,
and I will be right back, okay?
- Oh, no. Okay.
- I love you.
So happy we're married.
What's the score?
- Fourth quarter just started.
We're down by 12.
- Fuck!
- Yeah.
Dude, you're about
to lose 1,000 bucks.
- Shit!
- Are you feeling better?
- Uh, yeah.
Feeling better.
Mmm, soup.
- Oh, somebody liked the soup.
- Ah. It was delicious,
Sancho. I'm stuffed.
- No, that is only the
first course, senor.
There are six more.
- Six?
Can we bring them all out
at the same time?
- Uh, sure.
- That's not how
it works, Travis.
- Oh, well, I'm just
tryna be efficient.
- No, it's okay.
Okay, it's not a problem.
I can handle this.
- It's fine. It's fine.
- No, please.
- I, no triangle.
- It always works.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. I'm fine.
So, how's your dad?
- What?
- I'm sorry.
I was just trying to
make conversation.
I'm not feeling too good.
- We're down by two.
- Yes!
- Dude, you can't miss this!
- Fuck dinner, fuck dinner.
One minute.
- Yeah.
Okay. Go, go, go, go!
- Whoo.
- Oh, you can just leave
that next to his soup.
He's not feeling well.
- Yeah!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Let's go, baby!
- It's happening!
It's happening!
Come here, come here,
baby! Come here!
- Dude, I
can't believe it!
- Fucking blow my back!
Blow it out!
- Whoa!
Blow my back!
- Okay. Okay.
- Maddox special
- Wait, wait, wait.
I need to look sick.
I need to look sick.
- Oh, you need to, oh, yeah.
You look a little too good.
- Soak me!
- Okay. Ho, ho.
- Soak me!
Fucking get me
- Are you okay?
How's your tummy?
You look a little bit clammy.
- I'm fine.
I was..
The game and...
How mad are you?
- Well, you bailed on
wedding night dinner.
Minus five points.
You lied. Minus five points.
And then you insulted
my dead grandmother.
Minus five points.
- Shit, that's a lot of points.
- Knowing he
had fucked up really bad,
Travis planned the happiest
two days of Abby's life.
Left hand green.
- Fire in the hole.
- If you
were smart, you'd quit.
- Yeah, but then you'd
never respect me.
- Who says
I ever respected you?
- Oh!
Oh, no.
Oh, no, don't.
Don't you...
Okay, you know what?
- No,
no, no, no, no, no.
- Why, dude?
- Stop.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
You're a stork.
Yeah, you're an angry stork.
I, I don't know.
I don't...
What are you doing?
- Hey. Baby pterodactyl.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- How did you get that?
- You're good at cards,
I'm good at charades.
- Mm. I'd love to just
hunt one of those things.
Have a little baby pterodactyl
above the fireplace.
- How about we
just stick to deer?
You're up.
- "American in Paris."
- Yes! Winner.
- This is rigged.
- How's it rigged?
- She pointed to me
and it's her favorite movie.
- I didn't know that
was your favorite movie.
- I've always planned
on living in Paris.
- How am I gonna pursue criminal
justice living in Paris?
- I don't know.
I mean, I, I also didn't know
that we were gonna get
married after three months.
- Okay, new game.
How about Never Have I Ever?
- My favorite game.
I always lose, you know.
- Okay. I will start.
Never have I ever joined
the mile high club.
- The mile high?
- Long
time ago back when,
Pan Am, I satisfied many.
- Oh, did you?
- You?
- Yeah, yeah.
No, I, I've broken down
a few lavatory doors
on United myself.
- No, I knew, we
had something in common.
- Yes, my friend.
- A yeah. Yes.
- I'm gonna go for a walk.
I said something bad.
- What's her problem?
- What's your problem?
- You wanna talk about it?
- Talk about what?
How we're married,
and we barely know each other?
- That's not true.
- I mean, kind of.
I wanna move to Paris and
apparently you love having sex
on airplanes.
- Have you ever
stopped to think,
maybe why I'm
against an annulment?
What couple do you know
that has survived one?
- Hmm?
- I see your point.
- Look, if you're worried
about Paris, screw it.
Let's move to Paris.
I can promise you,
we'll never have a dull moment.
- I have no doubt.
- Speaking of which,
have you ever had pool sex?
- Excuse me?
Is it anything like shower sex?
- It is.
I only, it's a lot
prettier in the movies.
- Well, I think I'm
gonna pass on anything
of yours entering me until
it's wearing a raincoat.
- Abby and Travis
thought the worst was over,
but the worst was yet to come.
- Yeah?
- Throw, catch.
Throw, catch. Throw, catch.
- Oh, my God, you have
such good coordination.
I don't think I could do it.
Ooh. So close.
Those are good grapes, huh?
I guess, you don't like them.
- I should get back to work.
- Yeah.
- It's cute, right?
- Oh, it's adorable.
- Would you hunt this?
- What?
- Have this up on your mantle?
- What?
That's a lot of salt, babe.
- Yeah, I like salt.
Do you not know that about
- Good morning.
Is that all I get?
- I said hi to you this morning.
- Oh.
Is that what that was
when you showed your
cock to the worker?
- Well, you were so
busy juggling balls,
I thought I'd show you mine.
Can't have everything, I guess.
- Yeah, guess you can't.
- Hey, so what's going on?
What happened this morning?
Come on, talk to me.
- Well, there was this guy,
and he was outside juggling
and I've always
wanted to know how to-
- Mare!
- What is wrong
with everyone today?
- Mare, where are you?
- So your new friend gonna
join us down at the beach?
- His name is Miguel and no,
because you scared
him off your big dick.
- Mare!
Hey, guys. Hey, hey.
Have you seen Mare?
- Look, I know I
can be possessive.
- You? No.
- I just don't like
when guys touch you.
- Well, Travis, you
have to get over that.
What if I have a male
gynecologist one day?
- Why would you have
a male gynecologist
when there's perfectly
good female gynecologist.
What about female empowerment?
Isn't that what the diversity
movement's all about?
- Oh, my God, I
hate you right now.
- Look who's not
being progressive.
- Mare?
- You miss me?
- Ugh.
Hey, have you guys seen
a small American girl?
- Oh.
- Whee!
- Uh.
- It's a good color, right?
She didn't like
the color before.
- Oh. I didn't.
Oh, yeah. Si.
- Watch. It gets
It took a while.
- Uh!
- Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Where'd you go?
- You seemed distracted.
- Well, I was just tryna find
out where our friends were.
I didn't ask them to
take their tops off.
- Oh, okay.
- Look, look, look, look.
It's a topless beach.
See? I don't make
the rules here.
Boobies, boobs, tits.
- Yeah, yeah.
Travis, you know
what? You're right.
- Thanks. No, honestly.
I wasn't tryna cause
trouble or anything.
What are you doing?
- You said, it was
a topless beach.
- That doesn't
apply to foreigners.
- Oh, that is absurd.
- You are absurd!
What is this,
OnlyFans? Fuck off.
- You're a psycho.
Leave me alone.
- Cover your titties!
- Come back, baby.
I make movies.
- Mare! Mare!
Mare, look!
Look, I'm shedding
my inhibitions!
- Hey, hey, hey.
She's the one that took
her top off.
- Travis!
Hey, blondie.
- Come on, Darius.
Just give me give more minutes.
- Mm.
- Look, I got a crisis on
my hands, so just please.
What's so important that
you need me on a Sunday?
What do you mean?
Her stripper name is Pocahontas.
She needs to wear the headdress.
I've had enough
of this culturally
inappropriate woke shit.
The last...
What did I tell you
about sneaking up on me?
- Sorry, sir.
Sorry, sir.
- I'll call you back.
- Oh my gosh.
I guess this is their way
of staying under the radar.
I know this place.
Darius and I fell
in love down here.
Call Vince, take a
couple of guys down there
and go get me my money
and a couple of fingers.
- Fingers?
- Yeah, fingers.
No, no, forget it.
I'm gonna take care
of this myself.
What time's the next flight?
- So I posted your bail,
but since you don't
have passports,
you're gonna have to wait.
- Well, thank you guys
for bailing us out
and being so nice.
I'm just sorry my
husband is so rude.
- Well, I wouldn't
have to be so rude
if my wife would just
respect some of my-
- Rules?
Are you gonna
house break me too.
- I was gonna say requests,
like when we're on our honeymoon
surrounded by a
few hundred horny
spring break TikTok
obsessed douchebags,
maybe don't show your tit-
- Oh, do not say the T word.
If you say the T word, I am
jumping out of this car, Travis
and out of your life.
I mean it.
- That's a bullshit way
to end an argument, Abby.
- I don't care.
- Then don't show your titties.
Titties, titties,
titties, titties,
titties, titties.
- Oh, fuck you, Travis Maddox.
- Titties, titties!
- Fuck you.
- Abby, get back here.
- No, no, wait,
wait, wait, Senor Travis.
- Take your hands off me.
- Miguel can take care of her.
- She's my wife.
She just has a bad
habit of running away.
- Yes, because she
is running from you.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I was just, I'm just
looking for my ride.
I was just looking
for a friend of mine.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
That was...
I could really use a drink.
Thank you.
- Hey.
if you could at least text me
to let me know you're alive,
that would be much
fucken appreciated!
- Jesus.
Is that the way
you talked to her?
- What the fuck do you want?
- What the fuck do...
Let me be clear.
I think you're being an asshole.
And I think that
getting married at 19
is the dumbest
shit in the world,
but all I care about right
now is my best friend
and she's in love with you.
- Yeah, I love her too.
What, what's the problem?
- The problem is
you're suffocating her!
You're suffocating her
and she has a bad
habit of disappearing
and I don't want that to
happen to either of us.
- Buenas noches, Miguel.
- Well, aren't
you super popular?
- Hola, Miguel.
- Hola.
That wasn't always the case.
- I find that so
hard to believe.
You're way too nice.
What's your backstory?
Tell me.
- Okay, um.
Well, I'm part
Maldive, part Samoan.
- Okay.
- My family moved
here when I was a kid.
- Okay.
- They were actually
pretty wealthy.
You know the house that you
stay at used to be our home.
- What happened?
- The government took it
when my father was killed.
- Miguel, I...
- Oh, don't shed
any tears for him.
He wasn't a good guy.
When he was killed, my
mom and I had to restart.
I was just a very
angry kid, like Angel.
And then one day,
I got the calling.
- The calling?
Oh you mean like the calling?
So you're a...
- Priest in training?
- I did not see that coming.
- Tell me, Abby,
have you ever...
- I mean, I believe,
but I don't practice
or anything like that.
- Well, there's a first
time for everything.
- No.
No, I still got my beer.
- Jesus, we've got another.
- I'm not that bad.
- Have we
ever talked like this?
- Yeah.
There was that one time
in the laundry room.
Yeah, you know.
You know asked me
if I had any soap
and I said that I
needed to get some.
- That was nice.
- Yeah, it's funny.
You, you don't get
to pick the people
who your boyfriend
hangs out with.
- Well, I never
would've picked you.
- I wouldn't have
picked you either.
- How long have you known her?
- Long time.
- That's pretty cute.
- You know that kid does
all these great things
and her parents never
show up for anything?
That was Abby.
It's frustrating to watch,
but Travis, she is not
your problem to solve.
You just have to give her time.
I mean, she's had no
stability in her life,
and you are like this egomaniac
emblem of hyper-masculinity,
semi-toxic who I actually
hope is, you know, extinct.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where'd that come from?
- Oh, I'm just teasing you.
- Jesus!
- What the hell?
- Uh.
Hey guys,
- Uh, are you okay?
- Yeah.
No, I'm...
Yeah, I was uh, yeah,
I was just stargazing
at at uh Copernicus and, and...
- Telescopes over there, bro.
- Oh, they have one
of those over there.
- Were you spying on us?
- No, no, no, no.
I would never do that.
I'm, I'm, I was uh, I
was getting coconuts.
Your favorite.
Hey, where you going?
Whoa, whoa, you feel that?
Whoa, you feel that?
It's an earthquake, babe!
- She, she's gone, buddy.
- Whoa, Mommy!
- You aced it.
- Thanks for everything today
and for making sure
I got home safe.
- Look, I know you
have a lot on your mind
and Travis has a interesting
way of expressing himself,
but something tells me
that this marriage is
worth fighting for.
And I know I'm not ordained yet,
but if you and Travis ever
want to talk anything through,
I'm here to listen.
And I won't splash
you with holy water.
- Thanks.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- It's the first
time we've been in sync
for a while.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry I've
been such a dick.
- I mean, you haven't.
- I really have.
We know I have.
- You have.
Well, thank you.
I appreciate that.
Look, I mean, I have
a really bad habit
of running away
from my problems.
- You do.
- I do.
And I really don't
wanna run away from you.
Maybe we just need a
little bit of a break.
Our whole relationship
has just been
this crazy pressure cooker
and neither of us have
been able to go off
and have any fun or
blow off any steam.
- I have fun with you.
- I know, but I, I
met independently.
- Yeah.
I have always wanted
a bachelor party.
- Okay.
Let's do it.
I mean, there's no
time like the present.
- I like your thinking, Abby.
Hey bro, get all the
boys together and
come down to Mexico.
Oh, by the way, we got married.
Abby, dipshit.
- Always
ready for a good time,
the Maddox brothers
flew down to Gatito.
- Yeah, Dad.
Talk soon.
- What'd he say?
- That I'm in charge.
And to make sure you
don't do anything stupid.
- It says that El Jefe
had kilos of cocaine
that was eaten by a clowder
of hairless Mexican cats.
I swear if you ruin
Travis's bachelor party
with a cocaine cat
scavenger hunt,
I will sell you
to a local cartel
and they will use
you as a drug mule.
- Ow!
- Oh, look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how many
times I can say it.
There's a first class ticket
away waiting for you at Delta.
I booked us a suite.
I just gotta get this money
and a couple of fingers
and then it's just us.
All right?
There will be no talk
of work, I swear.
Just massages and margaritas.
Oh, Darius.
Just come down, please.
Call me back.
- Don't you ever, every
do that again, you...
- Hey.
Oh hey, babe.
Hey, how are you?
Oh where were you last night?
- Oh yeah, why'd you spy me?
- Spy?
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
- So we're, everything's fine?
- Yes, everything's fine.
- Oh perfect.
- So there's nothing
to talk about.
- Oh, that hurt.
Oh, babe!
Why did you do that?
- Hey, you holding
out on us, cuz?
- Hey, guys.
Welcome to Mexico.
- Keeping the riches
to yourself, huh?
- Yeah, you're a
fucking dead man, right?
- What?
- Does this
place have a bidet?
- Fucking nerd.
- What?
It was a long flight.
They're completely
normal in Europe.
Don't chuck me in the ocean.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hi.
- Hey, hey, guys.
- Change of plans.
So the girls' spa treatment
is now in the afternoon.
- Oh yeah.
- So they're going
to the beach with us.
- Will you teach me
how to play football?
I've never played football.
- Hey Shep, think fast.
Heads up, buddy.
- Hey.
Okay baby, what's going on?
Seriously, you're,
you're acting so weird.
I mean, you you literally
build a wall between us.
- Okay, you...
You know when you're driving
down the highway and,
and a really great song comes on
and and you get
really into the song
and then you miss your exit.
And then-
- Okay, wait, wait.
Am I the song or the highway?
- No, it's just, I
feel like I'm learning
all of these things about you.
- Good, good, good.
You should be, you know,
learning things about me
and me learning
things about you.
- Yeah, no, definitely.
Then I find out that you hunt.
- I hunt.
Yeah, I'm not hiding it.
- No, you're not
listening to me.
- You're not listening to me.
- Okay, maybe I shouldn't
have even tried.
- Yeah, maybe you
shouldn't have.
- And so the boys
and girls went
their separate ways.
The girls went off
to a relaxing spa
and the boys, well...
- Let's go!
Let's go!
Don't be a bitch!
Come on.
- Ah, what the fuck!
- Come on, let's go.
Let's go, bitch
- Shut up, bitch.
Shut up!
- Come on!
- Geez, my skin feel like silk.
- Yeah, we should try
the seaweed wrap next.
- Ooh, I would love
to do a seaweed wrap.
I've always wanted to.
- Yeah.
- Okay, well, at least
come with us to dinner.
No, nobody's going
to bother you.
You know what?
Okay, do whatever you want,
but tomorrow we
are going sailing.
I'm sorry about that.
- No, you're fine.
Sounds like you need
some relaxation.
- What brings you
girls down here?
- Honeymoon.
- Oh!
I once had a one night
stand with my doula.
- Oh, no, no, no.
It's not, no.
- No, not us, not us.
- Not that they're, no.
Great for you though.
No, but...
- We don't, we don't have
a problem with that.
- No, it's great.
- We love that.
We support that.
- It's her honeymoon.
- It's just not us.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's our bachelor
and bachelorette parties.
We're doing it
kind of backwards.
- Well, where's the
rest of your party?
- Yeah, you're looking at it?
- Yeah.
- Well, is that what you wanted?
- Well, no.
- Oh, okay.
It's what he wanted.
- Yeah, I guess
I'm just trying
to make him happy.
Oh God.
Oh no, I heard it.
That was awful.
I know.
- Hey, hey, hey, you.
Put that down.
- Hey, I can't.
- Ah, ah.
- I can't.
- Put it down.
- Hey, you need to behave.
- Oh, are you gonna teach me?
- Ow!
- Oh my God, you're my hero.
- Pour
yourselves a drink, girls.
- Okay.
- Can I be frank?
- Please.
- Please.
- This marriage is starting
off on the wrong foot.
This is not about his needs,
it's about your needs.
Now, I lead women's
retreats throughout the year
and it's mostly Fortune 500,
but I also cater
to the homemaker
and poor people like yourself.
Because as much as you would
like to deny it, girls,
you cannot disrespect or
demean the power of the pussy.
Drink, drink.
Drink it, it's expensive.
- Oh.
- Ladies.
These two will be joining us.
I have some calls to make,
but Fernando knows where
to take you, so run along.
I'll see you later.
- We don't see
this in the States.
- Yeah, that's
because it's illegal.
- Oh!
- You okay, Shep?
- Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, I uh, just fuck,
the allergy season, right?
- After massages
and muchas margaritas,
the girls chose to take
their bachelorette party
to the streets in
search of more fun.
- Could you tell me
where the lucha fight is?
- Yon tent over
yonder, my fair wench.
- Hey, excuse me, Shakespeare.
I don't really like that
you called me a wench.
- Oh my God, she's so cute.
- Hey, what is he saying?
- Uh, he wants to know if
anyone will fight Thumbelina.
- What?
- No, she's like a
delicate little flower.
These people can't fight her.
No, no, no, I'll do it.
I will do it.
It's gonna be fine.
I'll be fine.
- No, no, no.
- We
have a challenger.
- I'll do it.
- This is a terrible idea.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Aw, I'm Abby.
- Aw!
- I told you it's gonna be fine.
She's cute.
Okay, so uh, so do
I get a costume?
- Oh, you're good.
You're good, Shep.
You're good.
Just a stupid, stupid
little chicken, okay?
Okay, okay.
All right.
Get it together.
Get it together.
- No, no, no.
Look at his little feet.
Where's the humanity?
You people are sick!
You did this!
You did this to your child!
How do you feel about that?
He's an animal of love.
This is sick fuck.
Not on my watch.
Abby Abernathy!
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Listen very carefully
to the rules, alright?
- Okay.
- There are no rules.
- Meow.
A cat.
- Oh my, Jesus.
- Ow, that-
was hurting!
- Oh, god.
- Okay, truce?
- Will you tell me
that's not Abby?
- It's definitely Abby.
- All right, all right,
all right, all right.
- Oh god.
Oh hi, honey.
- Okay.
- What happened to mani-pedis?
- I could really use
your advice right now.
- Okay, okay, um.
Well she's favoring
her right knee.
Go for her knee.
- No, that's so mean.
- It's really mean, but
it might save your life.
- Don't listen to her.
She's trying to
get in your head.
Look at me.
- Okay, okay.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- She's trying to fuck you.
- I don't know.
I'm gonna go.
- Listen here.
- Hasta
la vista, fatty!
- Fatty?
I think you dropped something.
- Huh?
- Yeah.
- That's what you get for
trying to fuck my husband!
- Yeah.
Oh, some Mario shit.
Slam her!
I don't know what's
legal, do whatever.
Just do it!
- I am immensely
turned on by you.
- Yeah!
- Yes!
- I can't
believe you did it.
You were awesome.
You won.
- All right, honey.
Have fun at your bachelor party!
- All right, I love
Have fun.
- Whoa, looks
like the power's out again.
- Sorpresa!
- What's with all the eye candy?
I'm married.
- You are.
- But we're not.
- Don't get any cute ideas.
Abby's our sister now.
- Yeah.
I'll have to agree
with him on that one.
- I mean, I love him.
That's gotta be worth
something, right?
- Yeah, absolutely.
- I don't know what
love is anymore.
- Uh- oh.
Have you eaten anything today?
- I'm full...
of rage!
- Here's the thing, girls.
I got married too fucking young.
It didn't work out, you know.
What are you gonna fucking do?
- What do you mean, what
am I gonna fucking do?
I'm already-
Oh, look, I'm peeing.
- I'm never getting married
- Listen.
The stats are not
in your favor, okay?
And by the way, hey, listen.
Hey, it's not like you came
into any assets or
anything, right?
So, and there are
no kids involved.
So you got that.
- I'm gonna have a baby
on my own, Millicent.
- Just buy one,
they're more grateful.
- Okay, shit.
Okay, I got you.
I got you food.
Oh, oh.
This looks so good guys.
Alright. Hmm.
We're free now, yeah.
Oh, you hungry?
Yeah, Ooh.
Bon Appetit.
Mmm, yeah.
Oh, the food's over here.
Here you go.
Yeah, you can eat.
No, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, cease!
Stop, stop.
Guys, just be friends,
just be friends.
No! No! No!
- Help me!
- I got you.
I love you so much.
- Okay, come on, let's go.
- This is a group hug.
- I know, I love you very much.
- Who needs Shep, when-
- No one needs him, I love you.
- Here we go,
where's the waterbed?
- Okay, okay.
No it's not a waterbed.
- Oh no, it's not a waterbed.
- You know lady, I love you too.
I think we're good together.
- No. I, I just need to know
if Darius made his flight.
What are you looking at?
I don't give a fuck
about Abby anymore.
I just want Darius.
No, what, what do you mean
he cashed his ticket in?
No, no, no!
Those are my miles!
That's my money!
I work my whole fucking life
to build a nest egg
of money and love.
And what's the point if you
keep losing the nest egg
and the love?
- Help me!
- Oh!
Oh, no.
Oh, no I left.
- Hi, Shepley,
baby, it's mom.
I'm at hospice with Granny.
- Mommy, yes, it's me!
- We're about
to pull the plug
and she wanted to say goodbye.
- No, grandma!
- Where are you?
- No, grandma!
- Shepley, it's Granny.
I just wanted to tell you I-
- No, goodbye Granny!
- No, I don't like those.
I like Pinot.
- Guys!
Oh, they'll never believe me.
Remember us?
- Rawr.
- You learned English fast.
- I learn a lot of things fast.
Isn't this your bachelor party?
- Whoo, ah.
It sure is my bachelor party.
- So, don't you
wanna have some fun?
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
- Okay.
You know, um, I thought I was
having enough fun already.
- You
know what we mean.
- Woo.
- Away from Blondie.
- You mean Abby, my wife.
- Come on, we won't tell.
- I gotta go.
- Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
- Naughty, naughty.
- Thank you for letting
us stay on the cot.
- Yeah, well.
Okay ladies, it's been real.
Good luck with your
life, your marriage.
And if you were a
gambler, I would tell you
that the odds are not in
your favor and to fold.
- Wait, I have to pee.
Is this a bathroom?
- Yeah.
But, no, no, no, no.
Don't, don't go there.
That's Parker's room.
Just go in the pond.
- Parker?
- My son, the doctor that
we were talking about.
- What's your last name?
- Hayes.
- Hayes.
Parker Hayes.
Hey, Parker!
Dr. Hayes.
- Parker Hayes?
- Mare!
Mare, we gotta go!
- Naughty, naughty.
- Travis?
Travis, come and get me.
- Hmm, you like that?
Fine, two can play at that.
- Oh, Travis,
you're so good.
- Okay, Parker.
Okay, I'm just.
Shit, okay, go, free, okay.
Okay, hi, Parker.
Hi you old nice, boring man.
Okay, we're gonna take a photo.
Shit, what?
No! What are you doing?
How are you sleeping?
Roll over!
God, you're fucking pointless.
Roll over!
Oh, oh, come on!
Ow, no!
- What the hell
happened in here?
Is that me?
So mean.
I'm sorry, Seor.
There's no one
here by that name.
Or the other girls.
Have you tried
calling the police?
- Yeah, I don't think
we're there yet.
Thank you though.
- Who the fuck are you?
- It's me, it's me.
It's Abby, it's me.
- Abby?
What are you doing here?
- I was just trying
to take a selfie.
- A selfie?
Fucking psycho.
- Abby,
are you in there?
- Oh God.
He's gonna kill you.
- Abby, open up.
- There's nobody here by
that name, so piss off.
- Shh!
- Oh my God, you fucked Parker!
- No!
- What are you doing here?
- No, no, no, no!
- Well?
How's that for your
first time, Miguel?
Ain't she's something else?
Found her in bed with
her ex on our honeymoon.
- It was really stupid.
I was drunk
and trying to get a selfie
to make him jealous.
The only reason I did it is
because I went to
FaceTime Travis last night
and this is what I saw.
- I, Abby, I, I had nothing
to do with this.
You have to believe me.
- I do.
I do.
When I sobered up this morning
and I had a second to think,
I figured that, I don't know,
that some girls must have
taken your phone or something.
- And that's the truth,
- Right, I believe you.
- You guys, there's,
there's hope in this.
- Except that doesn't
really go both ways
in our relationship
now, does it?
- Well, it's not really
like you gave me
a fighting chance
with your marriage
annulment contest.
You set me up to fail.
- Miguel, I know that you said
that there's something
in Travis and I
that's worth fighting for,
but, you know, I don't really
think I have any fight left.
- Then neither do I.
- I-
- Travis.
- Abby, Psalm 51 says, create a-
- Save it, I'm done.
- My mom
knows someone at customs
who can get us on a four o'clock
flight back to Sacramento.
- Thanks.
But I think I'm just
gonna hang around here.
- Don't wander too far.
- Yes.
Yes, I promise, Mare.
But enough about me.
How are you doing?
- This is so weird, Abby.
The second I met Shepley,
I just fell so hard.
And we get here and I
feel like I'm just seeing
who he really is
for the first time.
- Yeah, sounds familiar.
- I mean, he hunts,
he spies on me.
I just can't.
He's not right for me.
- I hear you.
I thought maybe
Travis was different,
but he's just like all
the men from my past.
I mean, I don't know
what to say, Mare.
I guess we were both just-
- Hello?
I want to see
the two of you in my office
in an hour,
and don't you even
think of skipping town.
This is about Travis
assuming your debt
by fighting against Chernobyl.
- Abby, it's not what you think!
- I fucking hate you!
- I don't hit women.
- ,
You said you
wouldn't do anything!
- God, you're firm.
- I fucking
hate you, you maggot!
- What
are you, hormonal?
- Fuck you!
- Who is it?
- What?
What do you want?
- I'm sorry about your painting.
- Sorry about fucking
up your life, ish.
- You didn't fuck up my life.
You fucked up my
relationship with my dad.
- Well, there were
some other things.
- Hmm.
- Toledo? Dude, I was 14.
- You were a cash-cow.
- You really did deserve
that rock to the head.
I'm sorry about...
- Darius?
- Yeah.
- I don't even know if
he ever really loved me.
This painting was my
last-ditch effort,
'cause we were down,
doesn't matter.
- Well, for what it's worth,
it's not like my
relationship is any better.
I'm about to be
a divorcee at 19.
- What?
- Yeah.
- For somebody who
is so good at cards,
you are a real fuckin' idiot.
- Excuse me?
- Oh yeah, right.
Miss Wisdom, at 19.
You don't see what's staring
you right in the face!
Love! Abby!
Your guy! This guy!
The fighter, Travis!
And the passion you two have?
You think you can
buy that on Amazon?
You cannot.
I don't care if you're
19 or you're 90!
When that happens? Sha-bam!
- Sha-bam?
- Sha-bam!
- Sha-bam.
- fuckin'' sha-bam.
- What do you guys want?
- We want you to fight for her.
- You don't think I'm trying?
- Then, dude, try
fuckin' harder.
It's like Dad always said,
"Sometimes you have to
fight for both of you
when one of you gives up."
- That's right.
You fight and you fight,
and you keep fighting.
- 'Cause you're a Maddox and
that's what we do for love.
- Travis, do you love her?
- Of course I love her.
- Then go and get her, dude.
- I don't even
know where she is.
- I think she found you, bro.
- What?
- Where did you get these
suits, "Douchebags-R-Us?"
Dude, they're traditional.
- Oh yeah, really?
Did you get these with suits
with a sign that reads:
"Please don't fuck me?"
- Shh.
Guys, he's a fucking priest.
Have some respect!
- Ah!
- Ow!
- No. No fighting!
- Queso!
- This is the ring that
our father got our mother.
She passed before Travis
really got to ever know her.
- But, it's special.
And you're special.
- We'd like you to have it,
'cause we all love
you very much.
- This is beautiful.
I just wish that I could
have met her, you guys.
But, I'm sure she
was so incredible.
I don't even know what to say.
- Well, you could say yes.
- Yes, yes, yeah.
I'll cherish this forever.
Thank you guys so much.
I'm really proud to call
you guys my brothers.
- Hey!
What are guys doing to her?
Tried the "Trabby?"
- Hey!
Yeah. Yeah, I've had like three.
They're great. They're great.
You should get one, man.
- Alright, I'll have one.
Did you talk to Mare?
- Mare, uh.
- You alright?
- Yeah, it's, I mean,
it doesn't matter.
- Yeah, yeah-
- It's your night, man.
It's your night.
- Cheers.
- Shep, I love you.
- I love,
dude, I love you.
I love you so much.
- No, but seriously.
I love you.
- I love you more, bro.
For real.
- No, I would leave
her tonight, for you.
If it weren't for the whole
"cousin-imbreeding" thing,
we could have something.
- Come here.
Come here.
I'm so happy for you.
Now, you should find your wife.
That's weird to say.
- I know.
You good?
- I'm good.
I'm good. I'm good.
- Okay.
- I'm good.
Hey, what's, what's
the "Shepmare?"
Can I, can I have one of those?
- You tell me.
- Oh my!
Oh, what's, uh, baby!
Babe, oh my God!
- I came back!
- Come here. Come
here. Come here!
Come here! Come here! Pumpkin!
I missed you!
- I missed you too!
I was at the spa
and I heard that someone
tried to free the roosters
but didn't realize that they're
actually trained killers-
- I didn't know
they were killers!
- And I thought that
that might be you.
Did you do that?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I was just
trying to be a nice guy.
And, and, they're
not, they're not nice.
- Awe.
- No.
- You're a good man,
Sheppley Maddox.
And I've been such a jerk,
and I'm, I spun out
about a dumb thing
and I shut down,
and I'm-
- No, no, stop, stop, stop!
- I'm so sorry!
- I'm, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry
for, for spying on you.
- No, I, I love you so much!
- I love you so much, baby!
- I love you so much!
And I want to be your
baby pterodactyl!
- You wanna be my-
- I wanna be on your mantle!
- Come here, babe!
- Buenas noches.
- Hmm.
Sancho, right?
- Si.
- I feel like
I'm past my prime.
- Hmm.
All I want to do is nap.
- Hmm.
I'd take a good nap over that:
"painting, meditation" bullshit.
- Hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Money doesn't fix it.
Ass doesn't fix it.
- Ass?
No bueno.
Pino's ass?
- I just want to find somebody
to sail off into
the sunset with.
I could fuck a couple
people up along the way.
But, just for fun.
- I like
a man like you.
- I've never tried Mexican.
- I think that you would
find it most appealing.
- Okay, so I've been thinking.
- Uh-oh.
- I've been thinking about
giving the Maddox's name a try.
But, it has to include
some personalized towels.
- Towels?
- Mm-hmm.
Expensive towels.
- And how many points is that?
- Oh, forget about the points.
I stopped counting when we
were down by like a thousand.
- A thousand's
an exaggeration.
- It was stupid anyway.
I can't rationalize
this marriage.
And, I can't rationalize
why I love you.
I do.
- And so,
Abby and Travis agreed,
"Till death do us part."
As long as they don't
kill each other.
Adios, amigos.
- Jesus, brother!
- Alright!
Jesus Christ!