Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe (2022) Movie Script
1
- Heh heh heh heh.
- Heh heh heh heh.
Ow!
Whoa!
Cool.
Heh heh heh heh.
Aah!
Aah!
Hee hee hee hee.
Aah!
Ow! Damn it, Butt-Head.
Ow!
Space sucks.
Heh heh heh. That was cool.
- Heh heh heh heh.
- Heh heh heh.
Oh, hello.
I'm Butt-Head.
Heh heh heh.
And I'm Beavis. Heh. Heh.
Welcome.
Heh heh heh.
Some of you
may be wondering where
we've been
since we saw you last.
Well, it's quite a tale.
A tale of two heroes
on a quest to score,
across time and space.
It's a story of sex, violence,
power...
Yeah, and fire, heh, yeah,
fire, heh.
Yeah, don't forget about that.
It all began one ordinary day,
a day just like any other.
Heh heh.
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Heh. Ow! Heh.
Ow... heh... ow... heh...
Aah! Ow!
Aah! Ow! Heh... ow!
What are you two doing?
Ow! Heh.
Uh... we're trying to
find out how many times
I can kick Beavis in the nads
before he passes out.
Yeah, heh.
And that's your
science fair project?
Uhh...
what science fair?
Yeah, what's that?
- Heh heh
- Heh heh heh.
Well, it's too bad you didn't
take this more seriously, okay?
The winner
of the science fair this year
gets a free trip
to NASA Space Camp.
Whoa.
Space camp?
That's pretty cool, Butt-Head.
What if we really
did do a nad-kicking
science experiment and,
and like,
we did measurements
and we wrote stuff down
with a pencil
like you're supposed to and...
And maybe we could prove
everybody wrong
and win the whole science...
Aah!
Heh heh.
Whoa.
Beavis, I have an idea
for our science fair project.
Heh heh heh heh.
Uh, okay, now stand here.
Okay.
Heh heh heh.
Okay.
You're not gonna kick me
in the nads again, are you?
No, I'm not, Beavis.
Those days are over.
Oh, good. That's a relief.
That is the best news
I've heard all day.
Heh heh heh.
What's that thing?
Aah!
Aah!
Ahh... uhh...
Beavis!
Beavis,
what the hell are you doing?
- Did we win the science fair?
- Even better, Beavis.
We kicked its ass.
Check it out.
Whoa! Fire! Fire!
Fire! Heh. Fire!
Beavis and Butt-Head,
this court
hereby finds you guilty.
- Yes!
- Yeah!
Kick-ass, yeah.
Please rise.
Do you have anything
to say before I pass sentence?
Uhh, if it like
pleased the court,
or something?
In my defense, I was trying
to kick Beavis in the nads.
And I just want to say,
Your Majesty,
that, um, the explosions
were really cool.
Amen. Heh heh.
Many have said,
when it comes to sentencing,
I'm the toughest
judge in the state.
And they're right.
But last night,
I watched a show called
"Touched by an Angel,"
and it made me think.
When I look at
these two boys today,
I don't see their failure.
I see our failure.
- He said "touched."
- Heh heh heh.
Heh, heh, yeah, heh.
You boys like explosions,
don't you?
Uh. Yeah.
And fire.
Heh heh heh.
Well, you know who else
liked explosions?
Neil Armstrong.
And the only difference
between him and you
is he had the benefit of
supportive families
and teachers.
Families.
Heh heh heh.
You know what
Neil Armstrong did?
Did he score?
He was
the first man on the moon.
Yeah, yeah.
We never found out who
won that trip to space camp,
because the records were lost
when the gym burned down.
But whoever it was
is going to be fine.
They're going to go on to good
colleges and fine careers.
So I say,
why not give opportunity
to those who really need it
and unlock the potential
of these two at-risk youths?
I hereby sentence
Beavis and Butt-Head
to eight weeks of Space Camp.
O-o-oh, no!
Heh heh heh heh.
It says Johnson.
- Heh heh heh.
- Boi-oi-oi-oing...
Good morning.
I'm Commander Serena Ryan,
and I'm captain of
the Space Shuttle Endeavor.
And I'm Jim Hartson,
the lieutenant commander,
which is also an important...
This week,
you'll have a front row seat
while we prepare to take
a very important mission
into space.
Yep.
We're gonna bring a new
telescope to the
Mir space station
and use it to observe
a small black hole.
Hole.
- Heh heh heh heh.
- Heh. Heh.
Albert Einstein
and Nathan Rosen theorized
black holes could contain rifts
in the very fabric of
the universe, or wormholes,
that could allow one to travel
through time and space.
Wormhole?
Uh-heh-heh.
Yeah, I always wondered
how worms score.
To my right here is
a model of the entry port
of Russia's Mir Space Station,
where we're going to
have to execute
a very
difficult docking maneuver.
I'm going to turn things over
to Officer Hartson now
and he's going
to show us how it works.
Whoa!
Oohh, yeah!
- Oohh, yeah.
- Whoa.
Heh heh heh.
Okay, space campers.
Now, the fun stuff...
Orbital mechanics.
Come on.
Group: Yeah!
Heh heh heh heh.
- Heh. Heh-heh.
- Heh.
Oohh, yeah!
- Oohh, yeah!
- Whoa!
- Oohh, yeah!
- Whoa!
- Oh!
- Whoa...
- Oohh, yeah.
- Whoa!
- Oohh, yeah, get it!
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
- Heh heh heh.
I hope you're not spending
too much with the space
campers, Serena.
NASA has a lot
riding on this mission.
Hey, you guys have to see this.
It's amazing.
- Ooh, yeah!
- It's these two kids
from Space Camp...
They're phenomenal!
They've been doing this
for 18 hours
without food or water.
It's almost like
they have an unhealthy
single-minded obsession with it.
Check this out, Butt-Head.
They're using the robotic arm
as a secondary backup
in case of mechanical failure.
No one's ever thought of that.
Incredible.
They're brilliant.
Wait a minute.
What if we brought them on
the mission to do the docking?
You want those two
to go up in space
and dock the actual
space shuttle
to the Mir space station?
And also, I thought
I was gonna do that...
Think of the PR.
Two at-risk youths
turned astronauts?
We could finally
get Americans interested
in the space program again.
What do we have to lose?
Nothing, I don't think.
They'll never make it
through the training.
But if they do?
- Whoa!
- Yeah!
We'll see.
- Oohh, yeah.
- Hey, boys.
- Shut up! We're busy.
- Let me ask you something.
How would you guys
like to do that...
but do it for real?
Whoa. You want us
to do that...
for real?
Whoa. Heh heh.
That's right. I want you
to do that for real.
In space, with me.
W-w-with you? Heh. Heh.
- That's right.
- Whoa!
- Yes!
- Absolutely.
Yes! A thousand times yes!
I like your enthusiasm.
But it's gonna be hard work.
You're gonna have to practice
doing this a lot.
For hours, every day.
Yeah, I... I already do.
Yeah, heh.
In the bathroom, yeah.
Sometimes,
in the teacher's lounge.
Heh-heh.
Ma'am.
We've been waiting our entire
lives for this opportunity.
We will not let you down.
Then let's start your training.
- Yeah!
- Heh heh heh.
Beavis.
The government is about to
train our schlongs.
For all mankind.
Whoa!
Hey, Butt-Head, what part
of sex does this train us for?
Uh... I think it's the part
where your face hurts
or something.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's gonna be good, yeah.
Oohh, yeah.
Get it! Yeah, yeah!
Does everybody who
scores have to do this?
Uhhh... probably.
- Ugh.
- Damn it.
Not bad.
Heh-heh. Heh.
Damn it, Beavis,
stop barfing or you're going to
make me bar...
- Uh...
- Yeah, boy.
Well, that concludes
your training.
So what do you think?
Are you ready to do it?
Yeah, I was ready before,
but now I know how
to do it upside down,
or something.
Yeah.
I'm ready to do it right now,
if you want.
That's what I like to hear.
Now, go get yourselves
cleaned up.
Beavis, tomorrow, we are
going to score with that lady.
In outer space?
Wherever she wants it.
Outer space, the back of a car,
I don't care.
Yeah, me neither.
Well?
What do you think?
I think NASA
has a couple new astronauts.
Do you know how few people
have done
what you're about to do?
Um. No.
Only 256 men and 49 women.
That's a little more
than I was hoping,
but, you know, that's okay.
From 16 different countries,
ranging in age from 28-77.
Jesus Christ!
We get it.
And that's not even counting
the Russian dog and the monkey.
Enough!
Of course, there were some
who didn't make it.
We're not going
to be one of those, ma'am.
I can assure you.
Yeah, we understand the risks.
Mr. Beaven.
Mr. Boothroid.
You're the youngest astronauts
ever on the space shuttle.
What's this moment feel like?
Oh, hold on a second.
I've got something
I want to say.
Heh heh heh.
Um, I just wanna say
I've wanted to do this
my whole life,
but I never thought
it would really happen,
and I dreamed about it
every night
and then... and then I'd wake up
and feel ashamed and I'd
try to hide it from my mom.
But today,
my dream will come true.
- Heh heh heh.
- And, um,
I just want to say
that makes me the luckiest man
in the world.
Boi-oi-oi-oing!
10, 9, 8, 7, 6...
Counting sucks.
2, 1, lift-off.
Fire! Fire! Fire!
Endeavor, you are a go
for orbital operations.
Damn it.
I think the floor's not working.
How are you boys doing?
Well, Serena, um, do you wanna
like just do it right now?
Or I was thinking
maybe we could...
We don't need you
until we dock with the Mir
in three hours.
Until then, do you
wanna see something amazing?
Sunrise over Mother Earth.
Incredible, isn't it?
Is it three hours yet?
This is the best view
on the whole ship.
That's why they put the
controls for the telescope here.
Don't mess with those,
unless you want to risk
breaking a $2 billion
piece of equipment.
Now it's probably
three hours, right?
Take it all in while you can.
Just think, all of life,
everything we've ever known,
is down there on that
beautiful blue marble.
Ehh. The Earth sucks.
Let's mess with those things.
Heh heh heh.
All I see is, like,
nighttime or something.
Let's point it at the sun.
Cool, yeah. Heh heh.
Maybe we'll see some fire.
Let's have a look here.
See what we can see.
Aah!
I saw something but,
like, it went away.
Try the other eye.
You've got two of them.
Oh yeah, yeah, heh.
Good idea.
Look over here and... aah!
Beavis, you can't do
anything right.
Step aside.
Okay, boys.
It's go time.
- It's kinda dark.
- Let me help you there.
It can be tough,
your first time in space.
Thank you, ma'am.
Are you ready to do it?
Yeah, but I thought
you wanted us
to do the docking first.
Commence docking sequence.
See? They're doing great.
Wait. What are you doing?
What are they doing?
- No, no, stop!
- No, no, no...
Beavis: What's going on?
Whoa!
Ow! Somebody hit us!
Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Damn it, I can't see it.
Fire!
Endeavor.
Endeavor, can you hear me?
We copy, Houston.
Endeavor,
your situation is critical.
You've lost 91% of your oxygen
and 93% of the fuel
you need to return to Earth.
The Mir has been damaged,
causing an international
incident with Russia.
We've missed our window
to observe the black hole
which will next be this close
to Earth in 34 trillion years.
Also...
And now we've lost
comms with Earth.
Uhh...
well, if you're looking
for some good news,
I can see again.
Yeah, we're ready
to try the docking now.
Looks like you guys
got in a wreck.
Heh-heh.
Yeah, what happened?
We're gonna
make it back to Earth.
I promise you that.
But here's the problem.
I don't know how to say this,
so I'm just
gonna get right to it.
There are seven of us,
and we only have enough
oxygen for five people
to make it home alive.
So we all have
a decision to make.
Two people need to
sacrifice themselves.
Um, heh.
Now, look, um, heh.
I-I think we're all thinking
the same thing here.
Can we put the TV back on?
Yeah, but something cool this
time, 'cause that show sucked.
Yeah, yeah, really.
"You have no oxygen."
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
No, we can't put
the TV back on...
That was our last
communication with Earth.
- You know...
- Captain, if I can make
a suggestion...
Guys.
I volunteer.
- Captain, no.
- You can't be serious.
I'm the captain of this ship.
It would be easy
to blame our predicament
on the mistakes
of two absolute idiots.
Boy, I'm glad
you said it and not us.
Heh-heh.
Yeah, really.
Where'd you find
these two dumbasses?
No, you!
I'm clearly talking about you.
But I chose you
for this mission.
And ultimately,
the responsibility lies with me.
I'll volunteer too.
If this is the end,
I wanna make it
count for something.
End.
I'm gonna put on my suit
and take one last spacewalk.
It's how I always wanted to go.
Wait a minute,
where's she going?
Is it time to score?
Heh heh heh.
Beavis, they put us
in this rocket thing
for one reason:
to score with Serena.
It's gonna be one
giant leap for our schlongs.
Yeah, for all mankind.
Uh, Serena?
What?
I-I just wanted to thank you
for choosing us for this honor.
I know I'm not the first guy
most people would pick,
but you did and...
and I'll be thankful
for the rest of my life.
That's all.
Your actions this day
will not soon be forgotten.
Maybe I misjudged you two.
Listen.
This belonged to my grandmother.
She used to tell me,
"Keep dreaming your dreams."
Mmhmm.
"One day,
they might just come true."
- Ha.
- I want you to have it.
Okay. Heh.
Watch me through the window,
doing what I love.
One last time.
My dream's over...
Uhhuh.
But I hope someday
your dream comes true.
I've gotta go put on my suit.
Whoa, she wants us to watch
her change through the window.
Heh heh heh heh.
Are you sure about that,
Butt-Head?
Of course, dumb-ass.
You heard her.
She said watch me
through the window
and your dreams will come true.
Oh yeah.
And she gave us this
bracelet to seal the deal.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Heh.
Are you shitting me?
Okay. I've had enough
of these dickheads.
Enjoy space.
Now that
I'm about to be captain,
things are gonna be
a little different around here.
First of all... oh.
Hello!
I have some extremely
distressing news to share.
Specialist Beavis
and Specialist Butt-Head
made the very brave
and noble decision
to sacrifice themselves.
- Oh, that's awful.
- What a tragedy.
So, no reason
for me to volunteer, then?
Okay.
Just so we're clear, then...
I un-volunteer.
I did volunteer, you know.
For the record.
You can tell people.
Aah!
- Aah!
- Ohh...
Believe me,
I tried to talk them out of it.
But they felt it was
the right thing to do,
and they left the airlock
before I could stop them.
- Oh, no...
- But while their tragically,
brief lives may be over,
they will live forever
in our memories.
Yeah.
The elaborate dance
of seduction continues.
Yeah, she really knows
how to build the anticipation.
You know what I'm saying?
Whoa! Um, Butt-Head?
What is that thing?
It feels like sucking us in
or something.
Uh... it looks like
some kind of gigantic hole.
And it's black.
Wait a minute, Beavis.
I think I know what
kind of hole this is.
Really?
It's a butthole.
No, no, no.
No way. No thanks.
I don't want to die
in a butthole!
I have dreams about it
all the time... no! No way!
- Settle down, Beavis.
- Uh-oh-ahh!
- Aah!
- Aah!
Umm, Butt-Head.
Where are we?
- Uh... I don't know.
- Are we still in space?
Whoa, Beavis.
You're not gonna believe this.
Look at that number,
up there on the billboard.
Let's see, um... heh.
There's a two. And then,
um, some kind of circle.
And I don't know what that is,
I've never seen
one of those before.
No, dumb-ass.
Not that number.
That one.
Um, so anyway, um,
are we still in space, though?
Whoa, Beavis.
Look, it's Serena.
Whoa!
I guess she like made
a big sign so we'd remember
we're supposed
to score with her.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know, that's really
thoughtful of her,
she's a really nice lady.
Well, let's go do her.
The missing nuke is somewhere
here in the Caucasus Mountains.
It is our nation's
highest priority to find it.
It's happened.
Excuse me.
We've detected
a major space-time breach
in American airspace.
My God.
And something came through it...
Two lifeforms.
Who could it be?
The Chinese... Russia?
Or aliens.
This is why
we needed that space telescope
to observe the black hole
in '98... damn it!
Whatever they are,
we need to get down there
and find them.
And dissect them.
Get Alpha Team on the plane.
We're wheels up in five minutes.
That's better.
You can't score
with these things on.
Greetings, Beavis and Butt-Head.
We bring you a grave warning.
Uh... who are you
fart knockers?
We are you,
from what your primitive planet
would call
an "alternate universe."
- A what?
- An alternate universe.
Uh... a what?
Um, did you see the cartoon
Spider-Man movie, per chance?
- Uh... no.
- Oh.
That would have made
explaining it a lot easier.
Our names are unknowable
to your puny brains.
But you may call us Smart Beavis
and Smart Butt-Head.
You see, in infinite universes,
there are infinite
iterations of every person.
Every possible
version of you exists,
and we are the most
intelligent versions.
Uh... did any of the other
versions ever score?
No.
No version of Beavis
and Butt-Head has ever scored.
That is true in every reality.
Cool.
We're gonna be the first ones.
Oh, yeah.
Humorous, quite humorous.
Yes.
Droll, very droll, yes.
Whimsical.
That is amusing, yes.
Quite jocular, yes.
Mirthful, yes.
Okay, that's enough frivolity.
When you went through
the black hole,
you traveled through
a five-dimensional portal
in space and time.
But in so doing,
you damaged the delicate
structure of the cosmos.
Damage is cool.
And now, both of our universes
face total destruction.
And so we come to you for help.
There's a space-time portal
that will return you
to your time.
You must enter this portal
before it closes in two days,
or everything you have ever
known will be gone forever.
The portal is located
on the highest point
on your planet,
atop your "Mount Everest."
This is your quest.
You have exactly two days.
May science be with you.
You said "mount," Smart Beavis.
Yes, their primitive language
has two meanings
for that word, yes.
Humorous, quite jocular.
Very droll and whimsical,
yes, yes.
- What did they say?
- Uhh. I don't know.
I think they were like
British or something.
Okay, now let's go score.
Um, we're here for Serena.
She probably told you about us.
So if you can just like,
you know,
tell her we're ready
to get down with it.
Heh heh heh heh.
Okay, so you want to volunteer?
Maybe do some
canvassing for Serena?
Canvassing?
We've never done this before,
so like,
maybe just, you know,
the regular way.
I wanna volunteer my wiener.
Why don't we just step over here
so we can get a picture
of you two.
Do we need to, like, take
our clothes off or something?
Yeah.
We're gonna score!
Oh, these polls are horseshit.
Can you remind me
why I'm paying you
to get me re-elected governor?
And me re-elected lieutenant
governor, which is also...
Well, Governor, our new
strategy is youth outreach.
- Youth outreach.
- Our campaign teams
have been recruiting
young volunteers
to use for a new ad campaign.
We brought some pictures
for you to look at.
- Pictures, okay.
- No, no.
Loser. Eww.
No.
Clear the room.
I'm assuming
you wanted me to stay,
because I'm second in command.
Look at this.
They look exactly
like those kids I killed
on the mission in '98.
Wow.
They really do.
But they can't be the same
kids... that's impossible.
It's them. I know it.
I spent three weeks stranded
in space because of those two,
certain I would die.
Drinking my own urine.
We had to eat
flight specialist Jung.
Yeah, I didn't actually
get to eat any...
And then 24 years
haunted that I had killed
two people,
that the world
would find out what I'd done.
Yes, sometimes I wish
I didn't know that
because it sorta puts me
in a tricky position
going-to-jail-wise.
They must have fallen
into the black hole somehow.
Traveled through
an Einstein-Rosen wormhole.
That's amazing.
I mean, we have to tell
the scientific community...
We have to kill them before
they tell everyone what I did.
Right kill them. Yep.
Mm-hmm, no, that's what I meant.
That's yeah, okay, good.
I just hope we're not too late.
Get the helicopter.
Tell them I'm gonna go
visit some sick...
I don't know... veterans or dogs.
Why wasn't she there, Butt-Head?
Why would she
put up a big picture
of herself
and then not be there?
Uh... it's a little
game she's playing.
She wants us to chase her.
Oh yeah.
Here we come.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Please would you to take this?
- Uh, take it?
- Yes.
Okay.
No, you hold like this
and look here.
Whoa.
Check it out, Beavis.
That guy just gave us
a cool little TV.
Heh.
Do you have any bigger TVs?
Uh, this show sucks.
It's like just these
fat people standing there.
I don't know, Butt-Head.
It's not that bad. Heh heh.
Is good?
Should we back up?
Uh, Okay.
Like this or more backing up?
Uh...
We're trying to watch TV.
Like thi... ahh!
That was cool.
Yeah, it's like the show
really found itself, you know.
Glad we stuck with it.
Uh, we want some nachos,
but we don't have any money.
So why don't you
just pay with your phone?
Uh... you mean this thing?
Here. I'll show you,
what's your password?
Ehh, password?
Your password is password.
That's original.
Whoa, we just
paid for that with this?
Yeah, you can pay for
anything with your phone.
Whoa. Anything?
That's right.
Anything at all.
Beavis, this changes everything.
Shit, Scottie, shit
Let's make it rain
on these niggas
Yeah, I'm in this
business of terror
Got a handful of stacks,
better grab an umbrella
I make it rain,
I make it rain
I'm in this business
of terror
Got a handful of stacks
Better grab an umbrella
I make it rain,
I make it rain
Make it rain on them hos
I make it rain,
I make it rain
I make it rain on them hos,
I make it rain
I make it rain,
I make it rain on them hos
I make it rain,
I make it rain
I make it rain on them hos
Cr-cr-crack crack crack
crack crack
You hear the echo
Man, I seen the best go
Cuz he ain't had that metal
I'm a hustla hustla
A pusher's pusher
- Ugh!
- You busta customer
I get you sum cooka
Yeah, crack is a chemist
I pack an 11
I'm mackin' a 7
I clap at your reverend
I'll see you in NY
I'll send you an invite...
Sir, based on
eyewitness interviews,
we've made a composite
sketch of the life forms.
Whatever they are,
they're definitely not human.
Uh, send up 100
more orders of nachos.
Hey Butt-Head, this phone
kicks ass and everything.
But we need to find Serena.
Shut up, Beavis.
I'm speaking with the nacho man.
You see what I have
to deal with?
- Hey, seriously.
Siri: How can I help you?
Whoa, um, who is this?
I'm Siri. I'm here to help.
It's Serena.
Hey Butt-Head.
Butt-Head!
Damn it, Beavis,
I told you to shut up.
Do those nachos come with
side orders of nachos?
Hey, hello.
- How can I help you?
- Hey, how's it going? Yeah.
Good to talk to you. Yeah.
So, um, I was wondering,
um, you know, like, um,
when we're going
to score you know?
Notre Dame is losing
to Alabama 7 to 0.
Yeah, that's interesting.
Um, so um, I know you
probably like Butt-Head more,
but I was thinking...
I don't understand ButtHead.
Yeah, me neither.
Like, he thinks he can
tell me what to do,
and he's always trying
to kick my ass for no reason.
And it just gets
old after a while.
You know? I'm tired of it.
How can I help you?
Oh, just you know,
like, listening you know,
helps a lot.
I guess I never really had
anybody, you know, like to
actually listen like when
I'm talking and stuff, you know?
Heh heh heh.
Like nobody
hears the real Beavis.
You know what I'm saying?
I don't understand Beavis.
You know,
neither do I sometimes.
Yeah. Neither do I.
And don't skimp
on the nacho cheese sauce,
or I'm talking to the manager.
Ugh.
Beavis? Beavis?
You know, it's like
sometimes when I talk to you,
you know, I have this like
strange feeling.
It's like I'm happy
and sad at the same time.
I don't know what it means.
Do you want me
to search the web?
Yeah, spider webs kick ass.
Yeah.
Maybe we can search for some.
Yeah.
A spider web is a structure
created by a spider
out of proteinaceous
spider silk.
It feels good to talk.
Open the door, butthole.
- I don't understand butthole.
- Leave us alone!
Damn it, Beavis,
are you talking to Serena?
Unlock the door now!
I can't unlock the door.
First you need
to set up the Home app.
Would you like me
to help you set up your home?
Wait a minute.
You're in our home?
Would you like me
to help you set up your home?
Butt-Head, she's at the house!
We need to go home
right now so we can score.
Notre Dame is
losing to Alabama 17-10.
Walking directions to 322
Woodson St., Highland, Texas.
Wood.
Your trip will take 167 hours.
We'll be there
before sunset, Beavis.
We just missed them, sir.
They wanted us to find this.
Definitely not human.
They paid
for the room with a phone,
so we were able to get
a recording of their voices.
Woodson.
You have wood, son.
Boing.
It's crude, but they're learning
to approximate human speech.
I'll know more when I dissect
their mouthparts.
We've got GPS lock on the phone.
Let's move.
Governor, oh, my gosh,
I can't believe I finally
get to meet you.
And I'm the lieuten...
I'm just so interested
in all my young supporters,
but particularly these two.
Oh, them.
Did they say anything about me?
Or tell you why they were here?
No.
Mostly they just laughed a lot.
From the minute
I introduced myself.
Introduced yourself?
What's your name?
I'm Richard Whack.
Dick Whack.
Well, I've always gone by
Richard for that very rea...
- It really is them.
- Damm it.
Order a roadblock on all
roads leading out of town.
Say it's... do people
still care about terrorism?
- I do, Governor.
- Let's go with that.
And so does
the whole Whack family.
Um, Butt-Head, um,
I was wondering something, um...
I had a conversation
with this chick one time.
And so, um, I was wondering, um,
how do you know when
you're like, in love?
You know, what I'm saying?
What wuss-ass thing
did you just say, Beavis?
Uh, never mind, never mind.
I'm just gonna take a whiz,
Butt-Head.
I'll just go ahead
and get that from you.
Be right back.
Uh, okay.
Hey, Serena. How's it going?
I'm happy to be here.
It's good to hear your voice.
I can't change my voice.
But you can do it
yourself in settings.
Oh, no, no, no,
I like your voice.
I just want to say,
you know, like, um,
we were eating some nachos,
you know?
And I love nachos, you know?
And then, um, and then I
was thinking about you and me.
And I just want to say
that I also love, um,
I mean...
I didn't get that.
Could you try again?
You know what I'm
talking about though, right?
You know, it's a word
that starts with an I, I think,
or something, I mean,
maybe you could say it first.
I mean, you know,
if you want to.
Sorry, I'm having trouble
connecting to the network.
Uh-huh. And? And?
Damn it, Beavis.
You better not be
talking to Serena in there.
No, no, I'm just
spanking my monkey.
You better be.
I don't understand
spanking my monkey.
Damn it, Beavis,
you lying son of a bitch.
Anyway, Serena,
I was just gonna say,
and I've never said this
to any girl before but, um...
I... I love...
- Damn it!
- No, no, no.
No!
We just lost the phone signal.
Damn it!
You dumb-ass.
Now get it before it
gets all covered with turds.
I don't see it, Butt-Head.
Maybe it's deeper in.
If I can just get...
Get me out of here!
- Do you see it now?
- It stinks!
Damn it, Beavis, you
gotta really get down there.
You're not even trying.
Come on. Help me.
Uh, okay, Beavis, I'll help you.
Guess I have
to do everything myself.
Get me out of here now!
Come on, get in there,
you lazy son of a bitch.
There's turds down here!
I don't care about
your turds, Beavis.
Now get down there.
We need that phone to score.
They must have known we were
tracking their phone and put it
in some sort of signal
blocking device or Faraday cage.
They've studied our tradecraft.
They're good.
Aah! Turd!
Damn it!
What's rolling around
down there?
Get me outta here!
There's turds down here.
On the road again...
Time to wake up, Beavis.
Ah! Ah! Where am I?
Turds!
If I can...
I can see it...
I found it!
Damn it, that's not a phone.
There it is, dumb-ass.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I didn't see it there.
You're disgusting, Beavis.
Your trip to Woodson Street,
Highland
will take 274 hours.
Whoa, she's counting the hours.
Let's get moving, Beavis.
Sir, we've got
a lock on the phone again.
- Change course to intercept.
- We won't lose them this time.
What is this?
Is this college or something?
It could be.
Something sucks.
Oh, boy. Heh heh.
Let's get out of here before
we learn something, Butt-Head.
Yeah, really.
Beavis, Butt-Head, it is we.
We have made the quest easier.
We have moved the portal.
Mount Everest seemed like
a good idea at the time
for its proximity to space,
but the trip was a long-y.
Are you those guys
that are like us
or something?
We've covered this already.
The portal is now over there
behind the Classics building.
It is well hidden
there because no one
cares about
the humanities anymore.
They want jobs that will
allow them to pay off
their student debt.
- Amusing, yes.
- Yes, humorous, yes.
Satirical comment on the times.
Yes, amusing.
Seek the portal
before all is destroyed.
The lives
of billions depend on it.
Hurry, you haven't
but much time.
He said butt munch.
I did not.
But I can see how
it would it be quite
humorous if I had...
Yes, yes humorous.
Yes, yes, they do sound similar.
Amusing and incongruous.
Uh, I like those guys.
How'd they disappear, though?
Uh, who cares?
Magic sucks.
Are you sure about this?
Feels a little bit
like a wild goose chase.
Listen,
one of our dipshit college
campaign volunteers had
some crazy story about how she
saw two teenagers
coming out of the same
Porta Potty laughing at nothing,
and one of them was covered
in feces and nacho cheese.
Who else could it be?
Well, when I was in college,
I did some pretty crazy...
Here's the deal.
If I don't kill those guys, I'm
going to be accused of murder.
And if I'm gonna be
accused of murder,
I might as well kill those guys.
So we're going to find them.
Mmhmm.
Let's take
a shortcut through this thing.
While exaggerating
gender norms sometimes winds up
subverting existing paradigms...
Don't mind us.
We just need to get
through here so we can score.
Yeah. There's a slut at
our house who's gonna like
do it with us.
Any of you ladies
want to join the party?
Hang on, everyone. Hang on.
This is teachable, okay?
Now, they use the word "slut"
in a sex positive way,
which is a good thing.
But other than that,
these two are a reminder
that we still have a long,
hard road ahead of us.
Long, hard.
Yeah, like a wiener,
or a schlong.
You know, get it?
Uh-huh.
Why don't we start by having
you two tell us what you thought
of the reading
assignments for today?
Uh, we don't really read stuff.
Of course not,
because you don't need to.
Because Daddy's connections
got you into college
and will get you
a job on Wall Street.
Uh, wait a minute.
Do you know who my dad is?
I'm sure he's very powerful
and can have me fired.
But I don't care.
Cool. My dad's powerful.
Oh, that's cool. Yeah.
Because Butt-Head's mom
said he died of syphilis.
Wow.
This is a classic
example of white privilege.
And you both have it.
Uh, what's that?
Anyone want to fill them in?
Yeah, I'll do it.
Okay. So, white privilege
is when white people,
particularly men,
automatically assume they
can take whatever they want.
And they never have
to worry about
getting stopped by the police.
And they have the inside
track for any job they...
I've got this one, Aisha.
They have the inside track
for any job they want.
Exactly, Gage,
thank you for that.
That's white privilege.
Whoa, and we have that?
You sure do.
- I see.
- Whoa.
I never realized this stuff.
Yeah, you've
really opened up my eyes.
Well, I'm glad we've
been able to enlighten you.
The real question is,
do you think you'll
be acting
differently from now on?
- I guarantee it.
- Yeah, me too.
Step aside, please.
We have white privilege.
Yeah, yeah, check it out.
Don't worry, it's okay.
We automatically assume
we can take what we want
and we don't have
to worry about the police.
It's okay, you didn't know.
We didn't either.
Good stuff.
This is what
we were taught, sir.
We're subverting
the existing paradigm.
This rules.
I never thought I'd say this,
but I'm glad we went to college.
Now I have the skills
for today's workplace.
Well, let's see.
What should we take next?
Let's take that car.
But that's a police car.
Beavis, you dumb-ass.
Didn't you hear?
We don't have to worry about
getting stopped by the police.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, Beavis, let's tear ass.
That was cool.
Don't move!
Uh, sir, maybe you didn't know,
but we have white privilege.
Get your hands
where I can see them.
I think the problem
is you're just uneducated.
Yeah, we're gonna
get jobs on Wall Street.
You guys know where that is?
Cut it out!
Our dads are powerful.
They did not die of syphilis.
Hey, Beavis was driving.
We're in jail, Beavis.
This kicks ass.
Yeah, that youth pastor
always said
we'd be here someday.
We finally made it.
The system works, Beavis.
So, uh, sir?
How long do
we have to stay here?
Like an hour?
We're on our way to go score.
Well, you got no one
to bail you out,
so you'll be here until
your arraignment in a month.
I'll come get you then.
- What... What? A month?
- That sucks.
No, no!
Nooo!
They ditched the phone.
They could be anywhere.
This is their work.
They're toying with us.
It's the Feds.
They're on this too.
How much do they know
about the murders I committed?
Oh... attempted.
In... in a video game.
Yeah, I... I wasn't there.
Ugh this sucks.
Damn it.
Serena's gonna be at our house,
and we're not gonna be there.
She's gonna think I don't care.
Heh heh heh. You care.
I do care.
Sometimes, I think about her,
and I don't even get a boner
but I feel good anyway.
Damn it, Beavis, shut up.
You're embarrassing me.
If you don't get a boner
when you think about her,
then you don't
know what love is.
McCabe. Inspection now.
Shit.
Okay, listen up, kid.
You're gonna help me out.
I can't let
them find these on me.
So you're going to take 'em.
Whoa, heh.
You want me
to take all of those?
Yes moron, take them now.
Okay okay.
Tastes weird.
Kinda salty.
Hey, don't eat em!
Hide 'em in your pants.
Shut up!
McCabe!
Heh heh heh heh.
This is gonna be cool.
Maybe you ought to check
on that kid.
You better shut up, McCabe.
Which one of you guys
does tattoos?
Hey, you better tell
your friend to chill, man.
Yeah, he's not really my friend.
He just, like, follows me
around all the time.
I think I want to get
a tattoo of a butt
right here on my forehead.
Heh heh heh.
I am Cornholio!
I need TP for my bunghole!
Do not make my bunghole angry.
I demand TP!
Hmm?
Give me all your TP!
All your TP now!
Quit disrespecting me!
I will find your TP.
I seek TP.
Do not disrespect my bunghole.
I am Cornholio!
I need TP for my bunghole.
Heh-heh-heh.
I demand TP, I demand TP!
More TP!
Little dude's right,
we do need more TP.
More TP, more TP!
I demand TP!
Yeah, we want more TP.
They never give us enough.
You will not disrespect
my bunghole!
Yeah, they're disrespecting us.
They're disrespecting
our bungholes.
We demand TP!
That little guy's right
about the toilet paper.
No man can see his own bunghole.
Hm-hm-hm-hm-heh.
One butt cheek here,
and then one here.
Heh-heh.
Look, are you sure
you don't want
a pair of dice or something?
Dice?
Heh-heh-heh.
This is gonna be on my head for
the rest of my life, dumb-ass.
TP! TP!
You cannot imprison
the almighty bunghole!
And now, you must pay!
Hm-heh-heh.
What the hell?
I don't get it, sir.
It started out as a simple
request for toilet paper,
but now it's out of control.
You have nothing to lose
but your bunghole!
Prepare the extraction team.
Who is this guy?
Antifa?
MS-13?
We ran him and his
associate's fingerprints,
and it came back
that they died in 1998.
What the hell?
No man is free while one
bunghole is in chains!
They died in '98?
We're dealing with something
here that's beyond explanation.
Have you ever seen a show
called "Touched by an Angel"?
No.
They always come with a message.
What could his be?
I am Cornholio!
I need TP for my bunghole!
TP! TP! TP!
Stand by to take down Cornholio.
Have you seen my bunghole?
Heh-heh.
When I open this door,
unleash hell.
Stand down.
This has turned
into something bigger.
Cornholio's their hero.
He did the most dangerous thing
you can do in this place.
He gave those men hope.
And there's a funny thing
about hope.
It's contagious.
And these days, well,
I think we need all the hope
we can get.
I hope you can see my bunghole.
So what are we supposed to do?
The only thing we can do.
Give those prisoners
all the toilet paper we got.
And then we're going
to put those two boys
on a bus back
to where they came from.
Destroy their records.
And as far as I'm concerned,
they were never here.
And with God's help,
we will learn
from Cornholio's message today,
and we will become better men.
I have but one bunghole to give.
Heh-heh-heh,
and I give it to you.
National security?
Well, that sounds important.
But those two boys
were never here.
Nope, no record of them
at this facility.
No jail is going to hold
those two for long.
And apparently
they have the ability
to wipe people's memories.
And to that end, I'm here to
surprise pardon two criminals
as part of my new
"Soft on Crime" initiative.
And I'll just take them back
to the Capitol with me
in my car.
We heard about two
youngsters arrested
over at TSU
for some minor offenses.
No, no one fitting that
description was ever here.
Really?
Are... are you sure about that?
Absolutely.
So, who do you want
to surprise pardon?
Uh...
Ma'am, we just want to say
thank you for pardoning us.
We appreciate...
Shut up.
Where the hell are
Beavis and Butt-Head?
Oh, those guys?
Oh, the warden put them on
a bus back to their hometown.
Highland Texas, I think it was.
Oh.
Highland Texas.
Finally a stroke of good luck.
Whoo-hoo!
Thank you, Governor!
You know, I guess the lesson
to learn from this is,
you probably should have
pardoned someone smaller,
because...
God damn it!
Heh heh heh.
We're almost there,
right, Butt-Head?
Heh heh heh.
We sure are, Beavis.
It's been a long journey.
Heh-heh.
- Um, Butt-Head?
- Uh, yeah?
What do you think's gonna
happen when we score?
Heh-heh-heh.
Beavis, everything
is gonna be different.
Heh-heh.
Just imagine it.
Heh-heh, heh-heh.
- Beavis.
- Huh?
You just scored with me.
I did?
Yes, and now I'm
your girlfriend.
Yes!
Whoo!
Check it out.
Heh-heh, yeah!
Oh!
Whoa!
You're right, Beavis,
fire is cool.
Ow!
I'm gonna tear
your head off and...
No, you're not!
I'm his girlfriend.
Hi-yah!
Yes!
Yes, yes, yes!
Yes!
Hah!
Ah...
Beavis, from now on, it's
just gonna be you and me.
And Butt-Head.
Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.
I'm a deer.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Heh.
Hm-hm-hm-heh.
Hey Butt-Head, I heard
you put your thingy
in a girl's thingy.
I sure did, heh-heh.
Did it hurt?
Nope, heh-heh.
And I was never worried
that it would.
Heh-heh.
Wood.
Oh, Butt-Head, would you
please score with us?
And every other girl you know?
Indeed.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Heh-heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.
Highland, end of the line.
Beavis.
Beavis, wake up.
We made it.
- Yeah, yeah, heh.
- Heh-heh.
Yeah, we're gonna score, yeah.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
This is gonna be cool.
Heh-heh.
Heh, hmhm-hm-heh.
Uh, Serena?
Heh-heh.
Serena?
Um, Butt-Head,
what are all these people
doing in our house?
Uh, are we having
a party or something?
Better not be.
We have to have sex in here.
Hehheh-heh.
Welcome, Anita Ross,
Castle Realty.
Are you interested in the home?
Uh, this is our house.
Oh, yeah,
I fell in love with it too.
Let me give you the tour.
Uh, what did you do
to our house?
Well, the current owner
bought the property to flip.
Complete renovation.
Yeah, this sucks, hm-hm-heh.
The house was empty
for a long time.
Because it belonged to the
mother of one of these
two teenagers who died in this
accident on the space shuttle.
Shirley Beavis.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, heh.
Whoa, Butt-Head, look,
a garbage disposal.
- Yeah, heh, kick ass.
- Cool.
Yeah, it's all brand-new.
Anyway, you won't believe
what happened
to Shirley Beavis when
her son died in space.
She went totally...
And then, after she blew
through the settlement money,
she did something
you wouldn't believe.
Something bigger, yeah.
She took...
Bittersweet thing she said is,
if she could just see her son
one more time,
she would tell him these words:
"Son,"...
Yeah, grind it, yeah!
That kicks ass.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Ow, hehheh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, cool, heh-heh-heh.
Hehheh-heh.
So, um, so where's Serena?
- Who?
- Serena, yeah, heh.
Siri for short.
Siri?
Is she in the bedroom already?
I mean if there's like, a line,
that's cool and everything,
but, uh, we were led
to believe we would
get first dibs.
Shut up, Butt-Head, come on.
There's no smart home system,
if that's what you mean.
There's no Siri here.
She's not here?
But... but she said... she said
she'd be here.
Hm-hm-hm-heh.
She's never lied to us before.
What happened, Butt-Head?
She promised
she was gonna be here.
And now she's not.
I thought we had something.
Where is she?
Damn it, Beavis,
how am I supposed to know?
Uh, where's the remote?
Heh-heh.
What are these things?
- Ahh!
- Ugh!
What the hell is that?
Yeah, where's the TV?
Uh, they're books.
- What?
- Heh-heh.
Books?
Books?
No, heh, no!
We were supposed to score!
It was gonna be the best thing
in the world.
And instead,
all we get is books!
The worst thing in the world.
I'm tired of this crap.
It's not fair.
Damn it, Beavis,
this is all your fault.
I would have scored if you
hadn't scared her off
with all your wuss
feelings talk.
"Oh, Serena,
oh, I don't have a boner."
Bleugh!
Shut up, Butt-Head.
I don't sound like that.
You're the one
who scared her off.
You're always
calling her a slut.
That's because
she is a slut, Beavis.
She's an S-L,
uh, O or something slut.
She told us herself, remember?
256 men, 49 women, a dog,
a chimpanzee with a wiener
the size of a...
Ugh!
Beavis, you've just
crossed a line.
And I think we both know
what needs to happen now.
Ah! Butthole!
Heh-heh.
Butt-Head, I'm gonna kill you,
you son of a bitch!
Oh, my.
I know this can be an
emotional decision
for a couple, but...
Beavis, you son of a whore.
Yeah, all right, here we go,
here we go, let's just...
Yeah, let's just move this
party outside.
Get your hands off me, bunghole!
Okay, just go, go, go, go,
go, good, good, good, good.
My email's on the flyer.
Damn it, Butt-Head.
I finally found someone,
and you're jealous!
"I have feelings, Serena,
wuh-heh-heh, let's hold hands.
"Wuh-heh-heh."
Shut up, ButtHead!
You're the one
who drove her away.
She said she doesn't
understand you,
and we talked about spider webs
and you ruined everything.
Damn it, Beavis,
Serena never liked you,
she was just talking
to you to get to me.
I'm tired
of you weighing me down.
I'm gonna get out of here,
and don't follow me.
Heh-heh-heh.
Well, don't follow me.
Butthole! Hehe.
I could hardly believe it
When I heard the news today
I had to come and get it
Straight from you
They said you were leaving
Someone swept
your heart away
From the look
upon your face
I see it's true
So tell me all about it
Shut up, dumb-ass.
Tell about the plans
you're making
Tell me one thing
more before I go
Tell my how am I supposed
to live without you
Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.
Hey, Beavis, check...
Uh, oh.
[Dramatic chord]
Let go of me, butthole.
Hey, hey, what are you... ah,
hey, what are you doing?
Hm-hm-hm-heh.
Are you here because you
hate the United States?
Um, heh, the United States?
Is that, like, part of America
or something?
It's hard to believe
this species
mastered interstellar travel.
Perhaps the two beings
share one brain.
Apart, they're barely able
to feed themselves.
But together, their intelligence
is beyond what we can
even conceive.
Hm-heh.
We've located the
second creature.
If we keep them apart,
it'll neutralize the threat.
But if we don't bring
them together,
we'll never know their plans
for world conquest.
Or the location of their
internal sexual organs.
Heh-heh-heh.
Pipe.
Stop playing dumb.
Are you here to destroy me?
Uh, if that's
how you want it, baby.
Heh-heh.
But I can also be very gentle.
Okay, we're not
getting anywhere.
Uh, I don't mind
the handcuffs, but like,
is this dumb-ass gonna be in the
room while we're getting it on?
Who is this?
Hello, Governor.
It appears we each have
something the other wants.
Governor Ryan, the secret
Defense Command
demands you turn over
your prisoner immediately
for reasons of
national security.
You're sitting
too close to me, Beavis.
You're sitting too close to me.
Butthole, hm-hm-heh.
As long as you're in the
state of Texas, Special Agent,
both those boys belong to me.
And to a lesser extent me,
because I'm the lieutenant...
There's no ice in this.
Could your assistant get me
some ice as well?
Oh, I'm not actually her
assistant, I'm the lieutenant...
Hartson, just get us some ice.
Heh, bunghole.
You're the bunghole, buttwagon.
The federal government
has jurisdiction.
He said dick.
Heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.
Heh, hmhm-heh.
It's not that funny,
hm-hm-hm-heh.
Federal law dictates
that you turn them over.
Whoa, he definitely
said dick that time.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Hehheh-hm-heh, yeah, heh.
Yeah, so what?
It's not that funny, Butt-Head.
So one word sounds
like another word,
big deal, who cares?
So you can ruin me and have
me replaced as governor
with one of your
deep state assets?
She said ate ass.
Heh-heh-heh.
Whoa, ate ass.
She said ate ass!
Jesus, what is wrong with you?
I did not say ate ass.
- She said it again, hm-heh.
- Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Ate ass.
They're just sitting around
saying ate ass.
- Ate ass.
- Ate ass.
- They are really annoying.
- Ate ass, sir.
Is there another room
we could put them in?
Ate ass!
- Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh.
- Heh-heh-heh, ate ass.
Hm-hm-heh-heh-heh.
Ate ass, hehheh.
And then she said
she didn't say ate ass,
which made her say it again.
And then we said it, remember?
Hm-hm-hm-heh-heh.
Yeah, that was cool.
- Oh, boy.
- Heh-heh-heh.
Quick, I don't have much time.
I know what Serena did to you
on the Endeavor.
Uh, she hasn't done it yet.
It's gonna be any minute
though, yeah.
I can help you bring her down.
Uh, so like,
you'd be in the room?
I'll be right behind you
all the way.
- Heh.
- Ugh.
Really?
I don't know, ButtHead,
I guess it's worth it, I mean,
I wouldn't say no to anything
at this point.
Here's the plan.
I left the keys in that
green car right down there.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Take the highway northbound
to the Pecos county rest stop.
Mm-hmm, sounds good.
There's a reporter from
the morning news
waiting to hear your story.
- Okay.
- All right, uh-huh.
- Did you get all that?
- Yes, sir, heh-heh.
Yep, we're gonna score.
Heh-heh-heh.
Damn right.
I have to go back in there
before they get suspicious,
but you've got to
get out of here, now.
The people in there
want you dead.
What she tried
to do to you in '98
she's done to me every day
for 24 years.
- Christ, heh-heh-heh.
- Whoa, heh-heh.
There's no need
to brag about it.
I'm going to make sure
she can't do it to you
or anyone else ever again.
Uh, wait a minute,
I think I see
what's going on here.
He doesn't want us to score.
That's why he took
the handcuffs off.
Yeah, yeah, because he knows
Serena has a thing
for handcuffs.
Yeah, hm-hm-heh.
Exactly.
And that's why he gave us a car,
and directions
to someplace far away
where Serena will never find us.
That dirty butthole.
Damn it! Heh.
What's wrong with that guy?
He's scored every day
for... for 24 years.
That's like, um, 50 times.
We got to get back in there
and get those handcuffs
back on, Beavis.
We just outsmarted
that son of a bitch.
Damn it, it's locked.
Quick, Butt-Head, the window.
- Ah!
- Ugh.
Heh-heh.
That was close, hmhm-heh.
I can't wait to see
the look on his face
when he sees that car
and we're not in it.
Heh-heh-heh.
Hehheh-heh.
What did I miss?
This is so funny.
We were arguing
whether they're aliens
or the boys
from the Space Shuttle.
But then we realized,
it doesn't matter.
We both want the same thing.
We want to kill them,
and they want to dissect them.
We're all on the same team.
Well, let's go kill them.
And dissect them, right, Phil?
You got me.
What the hell?
Uh, just hold on a second.
What is it, Hartson?
All this talk about dissecting
is making me curious.
No, you know what, forget it,
it's probably way
too complicated for someone
like me to understand.
Hmm.
Oh, no, no, no, on the contrary,
this will just take a minute.
I've got some pictures
on my phone.
First, you need
to locate the anus.
Okay, there, we got 'em closed.
Now let's put our hands in.
It won't fit, Butt-Head.
How'd we ever get our hands
in here in the first place?
Uh, let's open them up
and start over again.
We need a key, heh-heh.
I think that guy said the
keys are in the green car.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Uh, oh, yeah.
Heh-heh, good thinking, Beavis.
Heh-heh-heh.
Yeah, hehheh, thanks.
I know you're thinking,
"I need an expensive scalpel,"
but save your money
for the embalming fluid.
There's a guy in Ecuador
who can set you up...
You know what,
we don't have time for this.
Let's go kill those boys, huh?
Heh-heh.
- Damn it.
- I think you just, um...
- This key sucks.
- Yeah, I don't know.
They're gone.
What?
I can't believe it!
Where could they have gone?
I think I have an idea.
Directions to 322 Woodson
Street, Highland, Texas.
Heh-heh-heh.
Wood.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Let's go.
- Damn it.
- Hartson, get in the van.
It doesn't fit.
Hey, Serena's in there.
And that butthole.
He's gonna go score with her.
Why is it always
a guy with a van?
We got to save her before
Hartson bones her again.
Heh-heh.
Yeah, he's out of control.
And, um, I just want to say, um,
you can score first
if you want to, Butt-Head.
Hm-hm-heh.
Beavis, I'm not gonna score.
And you're not gonna score.
We're gonna score.
Yeah, heh, yeah, yeah!
Now let's go score
before I change my mind.
Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
Yeah!
All we need now is a car.
Hmm.
Um, ButtHead, we're in a car.
Yeah, hm-hm-hm-heh.
Oh, yeah, hehheh.
You really brought
your A-game today, Beavis.
Heh-heh-heh.
Heh, yeah, thanks.
Hm-hm-heh.
Remember, Butt-Head, it's
gonna go backwards like before.
Yeah, hm-hm-hm-hm-heh.
Uh, oh, yeah.
Heh-heh, you're on a roll,
Beavis.
Heh-heh.
Just gonna back this baby out
and go score.
Heh, kick ass, yeah!
Heh-heh-heh.
Hehheh-heh.
This is cool.
Yeah, yeah, heh-heh, yeah.
Whoa!
Hehheh.
Wait, I see her!
I see her, Butt-Head, speed up!
Okay, Beavis.
Revolution in their minds
The children start to march
Heh-heh-heh.
Hang on, we're being followed.
What the hell?
There she is!
Faster, Butt-Head,
come on, faster!
Who could it be?
Probably just someone
who just happens
to be going our way.
To the store, perhaps.
It's the Venezuelans
or Al-Qaeda.
Or the Venusians.
Or Arcturus Six.
Or probably just someone
going to the store.
You know how
you run out of milk?
I think it's time
to put this baby
into high gear, Beavis.
Yeah, yeah, heh, yeah
let's do it, yeah.
What does R stand for?
Hm-hm-heh.
Uh, really fast?
Yeah, yeah,
let's go really fast.
Ow, heh, ow!
Ugh!
Ugh.
You have a bag in your face.
- Heh-heh-heh.
- Oh, yeah, heh-heh.
Bag, heh-heh-heh.
Hehheh-heh-heh.
Come on, Butt-Head!
Come on, drive!
We have to save Serena, come on.
Children of tomorrow live
in the tears that fall today
Will the sun rise up
tomorrow
Bring in peace in any way?
Must the world live
in the shadow...
Uh, I think there's
something wrong with this car.
Heh-heh-heh.
The car is going
backwards, Butt-Head.
Heh.
Uh, oh.
Heh-heh, cool.
Whew, well,
I think we lost them.
Nothing to worry about, I guess.
They're back, and they're
driving backwards.
What the hell is happening?
Who are these guys?
The East Germans train their
assassination teams
to drive backwards
to give their snipers
a better field of vision.
We almost got 'em,
Butt-Head, hurry.
Heh-heh-hm-hm-heh.
Beavis and Butt-Head.
Listen carefully.
You only have three minutes
to go through the portal.
Our universes
hang in the balance.
Uh, how did you get here?
Our universe has technology
that you can only dream of.
Can you watch porn on it?
Yes, an infinite amount.
Every scenario
you can ever imagine.
But none of it will exist
if you do not go
through the portal.
Why did you not go
through the portal before?
It was right there behind
the Classics department.
You could have saved the
universe and maybe learned
how Latin is the basis
of English grammar.
But no matter.
At great personal expense,
we have moved the portal again.
It is now in your old home,
in the poorly renovated
half bathroom.
Enter now so the portal
might seal itself,
and you will return
to a universe
where you never went through
the black hole
but instead lived your lives
these past 24 years.
- Heh-heh-heh-heh.
- Hm-hm-heh-heh.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Um, heh, who are those guys?
Uh, I don't know.
They seem pretty cool, though.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
not too bad, really.
This show sucks.
Yeah, yeah, it's horrible.
Change the channel, Butt-Head,
come on, right now.
Don't tell me what to do.
Yeah, yeah, hit 'em,
hit 'em again.
Come on, turn that show back on.
There is no time.
Now fly to the portal, fly.
There's a stop sign, Butt-Head.
Fly, my friends...
Heh, ow.
Ah!
That was painful.
We must hasten to the...
Looks like we lost them.
Woodson Street
is right up ahead.
There they are, Butt-Head.
Sweet Christ.
There's only five people
in the world
who could drive like that.
Yeah, again, probably just
someone going out shopping,
and their
transmission got
stuck in reverse.
Happens to me.
Never happened to you?
I'm not going down
without a fight.
Or instead, you could pull over
and let me out and...
Ahh!
Cool.
Someone put a little mirror here
where you can, like,
see behind...
Heh-heh.
I don't see it, where?
Ah!
Ugh!
Hey Butt-Head, they stopped.
We got 'em
right where we want 'em.
- Ah, ah!
- Ugh!
Get out of the car.
- Of course.
- What the hell?
That's right, baby.
Our little dance of seduction
is now complete.
Heh-heh-heh.
Hm, yeah, heh, oh, yeah.
Hold your fire.
24 years ago,
you nearly destroyed me.
And now you've traveled
through time and space
to try to destroy me again.
I want to be the one to do this.
Yes!
Heh-heh.
Yes, it's really
going to happen!
Wait, bu... why are you happy?
Uh, because, milady,
we are about to score with thee.
Together.
- Heh-heh, heh-heh.
- Hm, yeah, heh-heh.
Hang on.
Do you think I'm going
to have sex with you?
Uh, yeah.
Heh-heh.
So, um, should we do it here
or in the kitchen,
'cause I think that guy
wants to watch or something?
- Heh-heh.
- Hm, yeah, heh.
Yeah, you said
you'd have sex with us
back at Space Camp.
Remember?
What did I say at Space Camp?
How would you guys
like to do that,
but do it for real, with me?
- Whoa.
- Yes!
That wasn't so hard, was it?
Well, actually,
it was pretty hard
until the last five minutes
or so,
but then I got barf on it.
And then, you know, just, heh,
see you later.
To me, the most exciting
part is re-entry.
- Heh-heh-heh.
- Hm-heh-heh.
Yeah, we get to do it twice!
Do it...
so hard...
re-entry...
Oh, my God.
You were never out to get me.
You just wanted to have sex
with me.
Yeah, baby, heh-heh.
Guilty as charged, heh,
you know what I'm saying?
Hm-hm-hm-hm-heh.
These boys aren't my enemies,
and they're not aliens out
to destroy our way of life.
They're just two very, very
stupid and horny teenagers.
Uh, huh?
Heh-heh.
Yeah, come on, hehheh.
Boi-yoi-yoi-ing!
I can't believe I've been
hanging on to this
for 24 years.
Yeah, I've been
hanging on to it too.
Hm-hm-heh.
And now, I know you mean
you've been masturbating.
It's all so simple.
Well, I'll be.
Masturbating.
Let's all go home.
Oh, no, I'm not gonna
let everyone
just walk away from this.
I know everything you've done,
every law you've broken.
That's right, from now on,
it's gonna be my turn because...
- What?
- What the hell?
Beavis and Butt-Head, hear us.
You need to open the door
first, Smart Butt-Head.
Yes, yes, the door, yes.
Well observed, Smart Beavis,
well observed, yes.
Beavis and Butt-Head, hear us.
You have mere seconds
to enter the portal.
Only by the two of you
entering this portal
can our universes be saved.
Otherwise, the entire cosmos
shall perish forever.
Make haste.
Uh, okay, haste.
No, they are witnesses and
they are not going anywhere!
And I don't know
who you two freaks are
or how you're mixed up in this,
but I'm gonna find out.
I am done being a laughingstock.
I've already called the Federal
whistleblower hotline
and as soon as I get off hold...
Hello, can I help you?
You sure can, I am calling
from Highland, Texas, and I...
Hello?
Hello?
Asshole.
Hmm.
Well, I will be damned.
That appears to have worked.
We thought it needed
to be the two of you
to go through the portal.
But I guess anything
would have worked.
We could have
thrown a brick in there.
It's safe to say,
we were making it
more complicated
than it needed to be.
While we are the smartest
Beavis and Butt-Head
in all the cosmos,
in absolute terms,
we're still not so bright.
Okay, boys.
No one can know what
happened here tonight.
So what will it take
to keep you quiet?
Uh, we want to score.
Heh-heh.
Oh, God.
I mean, I suppose it's not
the most disgusting thing
I've done for my career.
So would it have to be
both of you?
That's right, Serena.
We're a team.
Yep.
- Heh-heh-heh.
- Hm-hm-hm-heh.
Oh, God, this is, oof, rough.
I'm gonna need a minute
to think about this.
Um, heh, Serena,
whatever you decide,
you know, like, either way,
there's something
I need to tell you.
Um, heh.
Something I tried to say before,
but I didn't have the courage.
Go ahead, Beavis.
Now Serena, I've been
on a long journey
and I've been to outer space
and I've been in a toilet.
And I think I've been
to some other places
that, um, heh, I don't remember.
But um...
You went to college.
Oh, yeah, yeah, heh,
I went to college...
And you went to jail.
No, I don't remember that.
Anyway, along the way,
I learned some things and stuff.
Or something, and, um, heh.
And so now, I finally am ready
to say to you what I've been
wanting to say,
which is that...
That I... I, um, heh, I lo...
I... I...
I... I lo...
Come on, kid, you can do it.
I...
I love you, Serena.
For years,
I have watched you from afar
through the portal,
entranced by your beauty,
your elegance, your grace,
your intelligence,
your knowledge of science.
Wait a second.
And I have a better
offer for you.
Come with me to my universe,
and I will show you the
mysteries of the cosmos
as we travel across
the galaxies,
beyond anything
NASA will ever achieve...
fulfilling all the dreams
you ever had
since you were a little girl
staring up at the stars.
Wow, that is, surprisingly,
everything I've ever dreamed of.
Um, I have an offer too,
um, heh.
I found a coupon in the car
for Taco Bell.
I was thinking maybe we could,
um,
we could go have a taco...
Also I was thinking
we might score.
You know what?
So was I.
Yeah, sometimes the
Taco Bell has a Pizza Hut.
You know, if you don't like
tacos, heh, or nachos.
I have a gigantic schlong.
I hope that's okay.
Oh, boy, yeah, I knew it.
Here we go again.
Hm-hm-hm-hm-heh.
Beavis, you're a dumb-ass.
Heh-heh-heh.
Hmhm-hm-heh.
- Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.
- Heh, hm-hm-hm-heh.
And there you have it.
The greatest story ever told.
Heh-heh-heh.
Pretty cool, yeah, hehheh.
We promised those government
buttholes that we wouldn't
tell anyone what happened,
and they gave us
a brand-new TV
and put our house back
exactly the way it was.
And it wasn't me,
but somewhere out there,
there's a Beavis who scored.
Hm, yeah, heh-heh-heh.
- Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.
- Heh, hm-hm, heh.
- Heh-heh-heh-heh.
- Hm, heh-heh, heh-heh.
Smart Beavis
and Smart Butt-Head,
we honor you.
For you, Smart Beavis, are
the first among us to score.
And you, Smart Butt-Head,
were able to watch
by hiding in a suitcase
at the foot of the bed.
Serena left immediately
and is not returning
phone calls or texts.
But no matter.
Tonight, we celebrate!
Chirp.
- Heh heh heh heh.
- Heh heh heh heh.
Ow!
Whoa!
Cool.
Heh heh heh heh.
Aah!
Aah!
Hee hee hee hee.
Aah!
Ow! Damn it, Butt-Head.
Ow!
Space sucks.
Heh heh heh. That was cool.
- Heh heh heh heh.
- Heh heh heh.
Oh, hello.
I'm Butt-Head.
Heh heh heh.
And I'm Beavis. Heh. Heh.
Welcome.
Heh heh heh.
Some of you
may be wondering where
we've been
since we saw you last.
Well, it's quite a tale.
A tale of two heroes
on a quest to score,
across time and space.
It's a story of sex, violence,
power...
Yeah, and fire, heh, yeah,
fire, heh.
Yeah, don't forget about that.
It all began one ordinary day,
a day just like any other.
Heh heh.
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Heh. Ow! Heh.
Ow... heh... ow... heh...
Aah! Ow!
Aah! Ow! Heh... ow!
What are you two doing?
Ow! Heh.
Uh... we're trying to
find out how many times
I can kick Beavis in the nads
before he passes out.
Yeah, heh.
And that's your
science fair project?
Uhh...
what science fair?
Yeah, what's that?
- Heh heh
- Heh heh heh.
Well, it's too bad you didn't
take this more seriously, okay?
The winner
of the science fair this year
gets a free trip
to NASA Space Camp.
Whoa.
Space camp?
That's pretty cool, Butt-Head.
What if we really
did do a nad-kicking
science experiment and,
and like,
we did measurements
and we wrote stuff down
with a pencil
like you're supposed to and...
And maybe we could prove
everybody wrong
and win the whole science...
Aah!
Heh heh.
Whoa.
Beavis, I have an idea
for our science fair project.
Heh heh heh heh.
Uh, okay, now stand here.
Okay.
Heh heh heh.
Okay.
You're not gonna kick me
in the nads again, are you?
No, I'm not, Beavis.
Those days are over.
Oh, good. That's a relief.
That is the best news
I've heard all day.
Heh heh heh.
What's that thing?
Aah!
Aah!
Ahh... uhh...
Beavis!
Beavis,
what the hell are you doing?
- Did we win the science fair?
- Even better, Beavis.
We kicked its ass.
Check it out.
Whoa! Fire! Fire!
Fire! Heh. Fire!
Beavis and Butt-Head,
this court
hereby finds you guilty.
- Yes!
- Yeah!
Kick-ass, yeah.
Please rise.
Do you have anything
to say before I pass sentence?
Uhh, if it like
pleased the court,
or something?
In my defense, I was trying
to kick Beavis in the nads.
And I just want to say,
Your Majesty,
that, um, the explosions
were really cool.
Amen. Heh heh.
Many have said,
when it comes to sentencing,
I'm the toughest
judge in the state.
And they're right.
But last night,
I watched a show called
"Touched by an Angel,"
and it made me think.
When I look at
these two boys today,
I don't see their failure.
I see our failure.
- He said "touched."
- Heh heh heh.
Heh, heh, yeah, heh.
You boys like explosions,
don't you?
Uh. Yeah.
And fire.
Heh heh heh.
Well, you know who else
liked explosions?
Neil Armstrong.
And the only difference
between him and you
is he had the benefit of
supportive families
and teachers.
Families.
Heh heh heh.
You know what
Neil Armstrong did?
Did he score?
He was
the first man on the moon.
Yeah, yeah.
We never found out who
won that trip to space camp,
because the records were lost
when the gym burned down.
But whoever it was
is going to be fine.
They're going to go on to good
colleges and fine careers.
So I say,
why not give opportunity
to those who really need it
and unlock the potential
of these two at-risk youths?
I hereby sentence
Beavis and Butt-Head
to eight weeks of Space Camp.
O-o-oh, no!
Heh heh heh heh.
It says Johnson.
- Heh heh heh.
- Boi-oi-oi-oing...
Good morning.
I'm Commander Serena Ryan,
and I'm captain of
the Space Shuttle Endeavor.
And I'm Jim Hartson,
the lieutenant commander,
which is also an important...
This week,
you'll have a front row seat
while we prepare to take
a very important mission
into space.
Yep.
We're gonna bring a new
telescope to the
Mir space station
and use it to observe
a small black hole.
Hole.
- Heh heh heh heh.
- Heh. Heh.
Albert Einstein
and Nathan Rosen theorized
black holes could contain rifts
in the very fabric of
the universe, or wormholes,
that could allow one to travel
through time and space.
Wormhole?
Uh-heh-heh.
Yeah, I always wondered
how worms score.
To my right here is
a model of the entry port
of Russia's Mir Space Station,
where we're going to
have to execute
a very
difficult docking maneuver.
I'm going to turn things over
to Officer Hartson now
and he's going
to show us how it works.
Whoa!
Oohh, yeah!
- Oohh, yeah.
- Whoa.
Heh heh heh.
Okay, space campers.
Now, the fun stuff...
Orbital mechanics.
Come on.
Group: Yeah!
Heh heh heh heh.
- Heh. Heh-heh.
- Heh.
Oohh, yeah!
- Oohh, yeah!
- Whoa!
- Oohh, yeah!
- Whoa!
- Oh!
- Whoa...
- Oohh, yeah.
- Whoa!
- Oohh, yeah, get it!
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
- Heh heh heh.
I hope you're not spending
too much with the space
campers, Serena.
NASA has a lot
riding on this mission.
Hey, you guys have to see this.
It's amazing.
- Ooh, yeah!
- It's these two kids
from Space Camp...
They're phenomenal!
They've been doing this
for 18 hours
without food or water.
It's almost like
they have an unhealthy
single-minded obsession with it.
Check this out, Butt-Head.
They're using the robotic arm
as a secondary backup
in case of mechanical failure.
No one's ever thought of that.
Incredible.
They're brilliant.
Wait a minute.
What if we brought them on
the mission to do the docking?
You want those two
to go up in space
and dock the actual
space shuttle
to the Mir space station?
And also, I thought
I was gonna do that...
Think of the PR.
Two at-risk youths
turned astronauts?
We could finally
get Americans interested
in the space program again.
What do we have to lose?
Nothing, I don't think.
They'll never make it
through the training.
But if they do?
- Whoa!
- Yeah!
We'll see.
- Oohh, yeah.
- Hey, boys.
- Shut up! We're busy.
- Let me ask you something.
How would you guys
like to do that...
but do it for real?
Whoa. You want us
to do that...
for real?
Whoa. Heh heh.
That's right. I want you
to do that for real.
In space, with me.
W-w-with you? Heh. Heh.
- That's right.
- Whoa!
- Yes!
- Absolutely.
Yes! A thousand times yes!
I like your enthusiasm.
But it's gonna be hard work.
You're gonna have to practice
doing this a lot.
For hours, every day.
Yeah, I... I already do.
Yeah, heh.
In the bathroom, yeah.
Sometimes,
in the teacher's lounge.
Heh-heh.
Ma'am.
We've been waiting our entire
lives for this opportunity.
We will not let you down.
Then let's start your training.
- Yeah!
- Heh heh heh.
Beavis.
The government is about to
train our schlongs.
For all mankind.
Whoa!
Hey, Butt-Head, what part
of sex does this train us for?
Uh... I think it's the part
where your face hurts
or something.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's gonna be good, yeah.
Oohh, yeah.
Get it! Yeah, yeah!
Does everybody who
scores have to do this?
Uhhh... probably.
- Ugh.
- Damn it.
Not bad.
Heh-heh. Heh.
Damn it, Beavis,
stop barfing or you're going to
make me bar...
- Uh...
- Yeah, boy.
Well, that concludes
your training.
So what do you think?
Are you ready to do it?
Yeah, I was ready before,
but now I know how
to do it upside down,
or something.
Yeah.
I'm ready to do it right now,
if you want.
That's what I like to hear.
Now, go get yourselves
cleaned up.
Beavis, tomorrow, we are
going to score with that lady.
In outer space?
Wherever she wants it.
Outer space, the back of a car,
I don't care.
Yeah, me neither.
Well?
What do you think?
I think NASA
has a couple new astronauts.
Do you know how few people
have done
what you're about to do?
Um. No.
Only 256 men and 49 women.
That's a little more
than I was hoping,
but, you know, that's okay.
From 16 different countries,
ranging in age from 28-77.
Jesus Christ!
We get it.
And that's not even counting
the Russian dog and the monkey.
Enough!
Of course, there were some
who didn't make it.
We're not going
to be one of those, ma'am.
I can assure you.
Yeah, we understand the risks.
Mr. Beaven.
Mr. Boothroid.
You're the youngest astronauts
ever on the space shuttle.
What's this moment feel like?
Oh, hold on a second.
I've got something
I want to say.
Heh heh heh.
Um, I just wanna say
I've wanted to do this
my whole life,
but I never thought
it would really happen,
and I dreamed about it
every night
and then... and then I'd wake up
and feel ashamed and I'd
try to hide it from my mom.
But today,
my dream will come true.
- Heh heh heh.
- And, um,
I just want to say
that makes me the luckiest man
in the world.
Boi-oi-oi-oing!
10, 9, 8, 7, 6...
Counting sucks.
2, 1, lift-off.
Fire! Fire! Fire!
Endeavor, you are a go
for orbital operations.
Damn it.
I think the floor's not working.
How are you boys doing?
Well, Serena, um, do you wanna
like just do it right now?
Or I was thinking
maybe we could...
We don't need you
until we dock with the Mir
in three hours.
Until then, do you
wanna see something amazing?
Sunrise over Mother Earth.
Incredible, isn't it?
Is it three hours yet?
This is the best view
on the whole ship.
That's why they put the
controls for the telescope here.
Don't mess with those,
unless you want to risk
breaking a $2 billion
piece of equipment.
Now it's probably
three hours, right?
Take it all in while you can.
Just think, all of life,
everything we've ever known,
is down there on that
beautiful blue marble.
Ehh. The Earth sucks.
Let's mess with those things.
Heh heh heh.
All I see is, like,
nighttime or something.
Let's point it at the sun.
Cool, yeah. Heh heh.
Maybe we'll see some fire.
Let's have a look here.
See what we can see.
Aah!
I saw something but,
like, it went away.
Try the other eye.
You've got two of them.
Oh yeah, yeah, heh.
Good idea.
Look over here and... aah!
Beavis, you can't do
anything right.
Step aside.
Okay, boys.
It's go time.
- It's kinda dark.
- Let me help you there.
It can be tough,
your first time in space.
Thank you, ma'am.
Are you ready to do it?
Yeah, but I thought
you wanted us
to do the docking first.
Commence docking sequence.
See? They're doing great.
Wait. What are you doing?
What are they doing?
- No, no, stop!
- No, no, no...
Beavis: What's going on?
Whoa!
Ow! Somebody hit us!
Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Damn it, I can't see it.
Fire!
Endeavor.
Endeavor, can you hear me?
We copy, Houston.
Endeavor,
your situation is critical.
You've lost 91% of your oxygen
and 93% of the fuel
you need to return to Earth.
The Mir has been damaged,
causing an international
incident with Russia.
We've missed our window
to observe the black hole
which will next be this close
to Earth in 34 trillion years.
Also...
And now we've lost
comms with Earth.
Uhh...
well, if you're looking
for some good news,
I can see again.
Yeah, we're ready
to try the docking now.
Looks like you guys
got in a wreck.
Heh-heh.
Yeah, what happened?
We're gonna
make it back to Earth.
I promise you that.
But here's the problem.
I don't know how to say this,
so I'm just
gonna get right to it.
There are seven of us,
and we only have enough
oxygen for five people
to make it home alive.
So we all have
a decision to make.
Two people need to
sacrifice themselves.
Um, heh.
Now, look, um, heh.
I-I think we're all thinking
the same thing here.
Can we put the TV back on?
Yeah, but something cool this
time, 'cause that show sucked.
Yeah, yeah, really.
"You have no oxygen."
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
No, we can't put
the TV back on...
That was our last
communication with Earth.
- You know...
- Captain, if I can make
a suggestion...
Guys.
I volunteer.
- Captain, no.
- You can't be serious.
I'm the captain of this ship.
It would be easy
to blame our predicament
on the mistakes
of two absolute idiots.
Boy, I'm glad
you said it and not us.
Heh-heh.
Yeah, really.
Where'd you find
these two dumbasses?
No, you!
I'm clearly talking about you.
But I chose you
for this mission.
And ultimately,
the responsibility lies with me.
I'll volunteer too.
If this is the end,
I wanna make it
count for something.
End.
I'm gonna put on my suit
and take one last spacewalk.
It's how I always wanted to go.
Wait a minute,
where's she going?
Is it time to score?
Heh heh heh.
Beavis, they put us
in this rocket thing
for one reason:
to score with Serena.
It's gonna be one
giant leap for our schlongs.
Yeah, for all mankind.
Uh, Serena?
What?
I-I just wanted to thank you
for choosing us for this honor.
I know I'm not the first guy
most people would pick,
but you did and...
and I'll be thankful
for the rest of my life.
That's all.
Your actions this day
will not soon be forgotten.
Maybe I misjudged you two.
Listen.
This belonged to my grandmother.
She used to tell me,
"Keep dreaming your dreams."
Mmhmm.
"One day,
they might just come true."
- Ha.
- I want you to have it.
Okay. Heh.
Watch me through the window,
doing what I love.
One last time.
My dream's over...
Uhhuh.
But I hope someday
your dream comes true.
I've gotta go put on my suit.
Whoa, she wants us to watch
her change through the window.
Heh heh heh heh.
Are you sure about that,
Butt-Head?
Of course, dumb-ass.
You heard her.
She said watch me
through the window
and your dreams will come true.
Oh yeah.
And she gave us this
bracelet to seal the deal.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Heh.
Are you shitting me?
Okay. I've had enough
of these dickheads.
Enjoy space.
Now that
I'm about to be captain,
things are gonna be
a little different around here.
First of all... oh.
Hello!
I have some extremely
distressing news to share.
Specialist Beavis
and Specialist Butt-Head
made the very brave
and noble decision
to sacrifice themselves.
- Oh, that's awful.
- What a tragedy.
So, no reason
for me to volunteer, then?
Okay.
Just so we're clear, then...
I un-volunteer.
I did volunteer, you know.
For the record.
You can tell people.
Aah!
- Aah!
- Ohh...
Believe me,
I tried to talk them out of it.
But they felt it was
the right thing to do,
and they left the airlock
before I could stop them.
- Oh, no...
- But while their tragically,
brief lives may be over,
they will live forever
in our memories.
Yeah.
The elaborate dance
of seduction continues.
Yeah, she really knows
how to build the anticipation.
You know what I'm saying?
Whoa! Um, Butt-Head?
What is that thing?
It feels like sucking us in
or something.
Uh... it looks like
some kind of gigantic hole.
And it's black.
Wait a minute, Beavis.
I think I know what
kind of hole this is.
Really?
It's a butthole.
No, no, no.
No way. No thanks.
I don't want to die
in a butthole!
I have dreams about it
all the time... no! No way!
- Settle down, Beavis.
- Uh-oh-ahh!
- Aah!
- Aah!
Umm, Butt-Head.
Where are we?
- Uh... I don't know.
- Are we still in space?
Whoa, Beavis.
You're not gonna believe this.
Look at that number,
up there on the billboard.
Let's see, um... heh.
There's a two. And then,
um, some kind of circle.
And I don't know what that is,
I've never seen
one of those before.
No, dumb-ass.
Not that number.
That one.
Um, so anyway, um,
are we still in space, though?
Whoa, Beavis.
Look, it's Serena.
Whoa!
I guess she like made
a big sign so we'd remember
we're supposed
to score with her.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know, that's really
thoughtful of her,
she's a really nice lady.
Well, let's go do her.
The missing nuke is somewhere
here in the Caucasus Mountains.
It is our nation's
highest priority to find it.
It's happened.
Excuse me.
We've detected
a major space-time breach
in American airspace.
My God.
And something came through it...
Two lifeforms.
Who could it be?
The Chinese... Russia?
Or aliens.
This is why
we needed that space telescope
to observe the black hole
in '98... damn it!
Whatever they are,
we need to get down there
and find them.
And dissect them.
Get Alpha Team on the plane.
We're wheels up in five minutes.
That's better.
You can't score
with these things on.
Greetings, Beavis and Butt-Head.
We bring you a grave warning.
Uh... who are you
fart knockers?
We are you,
from what your primitive planet
would call
an "alternate universe."
- A what?
- An alternate universe.
Uh... a what?
Um, did you see the cartoon
Spider-Man movie, per chance?
- Uh... no.
- Oh.
That would have made
explaining it a lot easier.
Our names are unknowable
to your puny brains.
But you may call us Smart Beavis
and Smart Butt-Head.
You see, in infinite universes,
there are infinite
iterations of every person.
Every possible
version of you exists,
and we are the most
intelligent versions.
Uh... did any of the other
versions ever score?
No.
No version of Beavis
and Butt-Head has ever scored.
That is true in every reality.
Cool.
We're gonna be the first ones.
Oh, yeah.
Humorous, quite humorous.
Yes.
Droll, very droll, yes.
Whimsical.
That is amusing, yes.
Quite jocular, yes.
Mirthful, yes.
Okay, that's enough frivolity.
When you went through
the black hole,
you traveled through
a five-dimensional portal
in space and time.
But in so doing,
you damaged the delicate
structure of the cosmos.
Damage is cool.
And now, both of our universes
face total destruction.
And so we come to you for help.
There's a space-time portal
that will return you
to your time.
You must enter this portal
before it closes in two days,
or everything you have ever
known will be gone forever.
The portal is located
on the highest point
on your planet,
atop your "Mount Everest."
This is your quest.
You have exactly two days.
May science be with you.
You said "mount," Smart Beavis.
Yes, their primitive language
has two meanings
for that word, yes.
Humorous, quite jocular.
Very droll and whimsical,
yes, yes.
- What did they say?
- Uhh. I don't know.
I think they were like
British or something.
Okay, now let's go score.
Um, we're here for Serena.
She probably told you about us.
So if you can just like,
you know,
tell her we're ready
to get down with it.
Heh heh heh heh.
Okay, so you want to volunteer?
Maybe do some
canvassing for Serena?
Canvassing?
We've never done this before,
so like,
maybe just, you know,
the regular way.
I wanna volunteer my wiener.
Why don't we just step over here
so we can get a picture
of you two.
Do we need to, like, take
our clothes off or something?
Yeah.
We're gonna score!
Oh, these polls are horseshit.
Can you remind me
why I'm paying you
to get me re-elected governor?
And me re-elected lieutenant
governor, which is also...
Well, Governor, our new
strategy is youth outreach.
- Youth outreach.
- Our campaign teams
have been recruiting
young volunteers
to use for a new ad campaign.
We brought some pictures
for you to look at.
- Pictures, okay.
- No, no.
Loser. Eww.
No.
Clear the room.
I'm assuming
you wanted me to stay,
because I'm second in command.
Look at this.
They look exactly
like those kids I killed
on the mission in '98.
Wow.
They really do.
But they can't be the same
kids... that's impossible.
It's them. I know it.
I spent three weeks stranded
in space because of those two,
certain I would die.
Drinking my own urine.
We had to eat
flight specialist Jung.
Yeah, I didn't actually
get to eat any...
And then 24 years
haunted that I had killed
two people,
that the world
would find out what I'd done.
Yes, sometimes I wish
I didn't know that
because it sorta puts me
in a tricky position
going-to-jail-wise.
They must have fallen
into the black hole somehow.
Traveled through
an Einstein-Rosen wormhole.
That's amazing.
I mean, we have to tell
the scientific community...
We have to kill them before
they tell everyone what I did.
Right kill them. Yep.
Mm-hmm, no, that's what I meant.
That's yeah, okay, good.
I just hope we're not too late.
Get the helicopter.
Tell them I'm gonna go
visit some sick...
I don't know... veterans or dogs.
Why wasn't she there, Butt-Head?
Why would she
put up a big picture
of herself
and then not be there?
Uh... it's a little
game she's playing.
She wants us to chase her.
Oh yeah.
Here we come.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Please would you to take this?
- Uh, take it?
- Yes.
Okay.
No, you hold like this
and look here.
Whoa.
Check it out, Beavis.
That guy just gave us
a cool little TV.
Heh.
Do you have any bigger TVs?
Uh, this show sucks.
It's like just these
fat people standing there.
I don't know, Butt-Head.
It's not that bad. Heh heh.
Is good?
Should we back up?
Uh, Okay.
Like this or more backing up?
Uh...
We're trying to watch TV.
Like thi... ahh!
That was cool.
Yeah, it's like the show
really found itself, you know.
Glad we stuck with it.
Uh, we want some nachos,
but we don't have any money.
So why don't you
just pay with your phone?
Uh... you mean this thing?
Here. I'll show you,
what's your password?
Ehh, password?
Your password is password.
That's original.
Whoa, we just
paid for that with this?
Yeah, you can pay for
anything with your phone.
Whoa. Anything?
That's right.
Anything at all.
Beavis, this changes everything.
Shit, Scottie, shit
Let's make it rain
on these niggas
Yeah, I'm in this
business of terror
Got a handful of stacks,
better grab an umbrella
I make it rain,
I make it rain
I'm in this business
of terror
Got a handful of stacks
Better grab an umbrella
I make it rain,
I make it rain
Make it rain on them hos
I make it rain,
I make it rain
I make it rain on them hos,
I make it rain
I make it rain,
I make it rain on them hos
I make it rain,
I make it rain
I make it rain on them hos
Cr-cr-crack crack crack
crack crack
You hear the echo
Man, I seen the best go
Cuz he ain't had that metal
I'm a hustla hustla
A pusher's pusher
- Ugh!
- You busta customer
I get you sum cooka
Yeah, crack is a chemist
I pack an 11
I'm mackin' a 7
I clap at your reverend
I'll see you in NY
I'll send you an invite...
Sir, based on
eyewitness interviews,
we've made a composite
sketch of the life forms.
Whatever they are,
they're definitely not human.
Uh, send up 100
more orders of nachos.
Hey Butt-Head, this phone
kicks ass and everything.
But we need to find Serena.
Shut up, Beavis.
I'm speaking with the nacho man.
You see what I have
to deal with?
- Hey, seriously.
Siri: How can I help you?
Whoa, um, who is this?
I'm Siri. I'm here to help.
It's Serena.
Hey Butt-Head.
Butt-Head!
Damn it, Beavis,
I told you to shut up.
Do those nachos come with
side orders of nachos?
Hey, hello.
- How can I help you?
- Hey, how's it going? Yeah.
Good to talk to you. Yeah.
So, um, I was wondering,
um, you know, like, um,
when we're going
to score you know?
Notre Dame is losing
to Alabama 7 to 0.
Yeah, that's interesting.
Um, so um, I know you
probably like Butt-Head more,
but I was thinking...
I don't understand ButtHead.
Yeah, me neither.
Like, he thinks he can
tell me what to do,
and he's always trying
to kick my ass for no reason.
And it just gets
old after a while.
You know? I'm tired of it.
How can I help you?
Oh, just you know,
like, listening you know,
helps a lot.
I guess I never really had
anybody, you know, like to
actually listen like when
I'm talking and stuff, you know?
Heh heh heh.
Like nobody
hears the real Beavis.
You know what I'm saying?
I don't understand Beavis.
You know,
neither do I sometimes.
Yeah. Neither do I.
And don't skimp
on the nacho cheese sauce,
or I'm talking to the manager.
Ugh.
Beavis? Beavis?
You know, it's like
sometimes when I talk to you,
you know, I have this like
strange feeling.
It's like I'm happy
and sad at the same time.
I don't know what it means.
Do you want me
to search the web?
Yeah, spider webs kick ass.
Yeah.
Maybe we can search for some.
Yeah.
A spider web is a structure
created by a spider
out of proteinaceous
spider silk.
It feels good to talk.
Open the door, butthole.
- I don't understand butthole.
- Leave us alone!
Damn it, Beavis,
are you talking to Serena?
Unlock the door now!
I can't unlock the door.
First you need
to set up the Home app.
Would you like me
to help you set up your home?
Wait a minute.
You're in our home?
Would you like me
to help you set up your home?
Butt-Head, she's at the house!
We need to go home
right now so we can score.
Notre Dame is
losing to Alabama 17-10.
Walking directions to 322
Woodson St., Highland, Texas.
Wood.
Your trip will take 167 hours.
We'll be there
before sunset, Beavis.
We just missed them, sir.
They wanted us to find this.
Definitely not human.
They paid
for the room with a phone,
so we were able to get
a recording of their voices.
Woodson.
You have wood, son.
Boing.
It's crude, but they're learning
to approximate human speech.
I'll know more when I dissect
their mouthparts.
We've got GPS lock on the phone.
Let's move.
Governor, oh, my gosh,
I can't believe I finally
get to meet you.
And I'm the lieuten...
I'm just so interested
in all my young supporters,
but particularly these two.
Oh, them.
Did they say anything about me?
Or tell you why they were here?
No.
Mostly they just laughed a lot.
From the minute
I introduced myself.
Introduced yourself?
What's your name?
I'm Richard Whack.
Dick Whack.
Well, I've always gone by
Richard for that very rea...
- It really is them.
- Damm it.
Order a roadblock on all
roads leading out of town.
Say it's... do people
still care about terrorism?
- I do, Governor.
- Let's go with that.
And so does
the whole Whack family.
Um, Butt-Head, um,
I was wondering something, um...
I had a conversation
with this chick one time.
And so, um, I was wondering, um,
how do you know when
you're like, in love?
You know, what I'm saying?
What wuss-ass thing
did you just say, Beavis?
Uh, never mind, never mind.
I'm just gonna take a whiz,
Butt-Head.
I'll just go ahead
and get that from you.
Be right back.
Uh, okay.
Hey, Serena. How's it going?
I'm happy to be here.
It's good to hear your voice.
I can't change my voice.
But you can do it
yourself in settings.
Oh, no, no, no,
I like your voice.
I just want to say,
you know, like, um,
we were eating some nachos,
you know?
And I love nachos, you know?
And then, um, and then I
was thinking about you and me.
And I just want to say
that I also love, um,
I mean...
I didn't get that.
Could you try again?
You know what I'm
talking about though, right?
You know, it's a word
that starts with an I, I think,
or something, I mean,
maybe you could say it first.
I mean, you know,
if you want to.
Sorry, I'm having trouble
connecting to the network.
Uh-huh. And? And?
Damn it, Beavis.
You better not be
talking to Serena in there.
No, no, I'm just
spanking my monkey.
You better be.
I don't understand
spanking my monkey.
Damn it, Beavis,
you lying son of a bitch.
Anyway, Serena,
I was just gonna say,
and I've never said this
to any girl before but, um...
I... I love...
- Damn it!
- No, no, no.
No!
We just lost the phone signal.
Damn it!
You dumb-ass.
Now get it before it
gets all covered with turds.
I don't see it, Butt-Head.
Maybe it's deeper in.
If I can just get...
Get me out of here!
- Do you see it now?
- It stinks!
Damn it, Beavis, you
gotta really get down there.
You're not even trying.
Come on. Help me.
Uh, okay, Beavis, I'll help you.
Guess I have
to do everything myself.
Get me out of here now!
Come on, get in there,
you lazy son of a bitch.
There's turds down here!
I don't care about
your turds, Beavis.
Now get down there.
We need that phone to score.
They must have known we were
tracking their phone and put it
in some sort of signal
blocking device or Faraday cage.
They've studied our tradecraft.
They're good.
Aah! Turd!
Damn it!
What's rolling around
down there?
Get me outta here!
There's turds down here.
On the road again...
Time to wake up, Beavis.
Ah! Ah! Where am I?
Turds!
If I can...
I can see it...
I found it!
Damn it, that's not a phone.
There it is, dumb-ass.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I didn't see it there.
You're disgusting, Beavis.
Your trip to Woodson Street,
Highland
will take 274 hours.
Whoa, she's counting the hours.
Let's get moving, Beavis.
Sir, we've got
a lock on the phone again.
- Change course to intercept.
- We won't lose them this time.
What is this?
Is this college or something?
It could be.
Something sucks.
Oh, boy. Heh heh.
Let's get out of here before
we learn something, Butt-Head.
Yeah, really.
Beavis, Butt-Head, it is we.
We have made the quest easier.
We have moved the portal.
Mount Everest seemed like
a good idea at the time
for its proximity to space,
but the trip was a long-y.
Are you those guys
that are like us
or something?
We've covered this already.
The portal is now over there
behind the Classics building.
It is well hidden
there because no one
cares about
the humanities anymore.
They want jobs that will
allow them to pay off
their student debt.
- Amusing, yes.
- Yes, humorous, yes.
Satirical comment on the times.
Yes, amusing.
Seek the portal
before all is destroyed.
The lives
of billions depend on it.
Hurry, you haven't
but much time.
He said butt munch.
I did not.
But I can see how
it would it be quite
humorous if I had...
Yes, yes humorous.
Yes, yes, they do sound similar.
Amusing and incongruous.
Uh, I like those guys.
How'd they disappear, though?
Uh, who cares?
Magic sucks.
Are you sure about this?
Feels a little bit
like a wild goose chase.
Listen,
one of our dipshit college
campaign volunteers had
some crazy story about how she
saw two teenagers
coming out of the same
Porta Potty laughing at nothing,
and one of them was covered
in feces and nacho cheese.
Who else could it be?
Well, when I was in college,
I did some pretty crazy...
Here's the deal.
If I don't kill those guys, I'm
going to be accused of murder.
And if I'm gonna be
accused of murder,
I might as well kill those guys.
So we're going to find them.
Mmhmm.
Let's take
a shortcut through this thing.
While exaggerating
gender norms sometimes winds up
subverting existing paradigms...
Don't mind us.
We just need to get
through here so we can score.
Yeah. There's a slut at
our house who's gonna like
do it with us.
Any of you ladies
want to join the party?
Hang on, everyone. Hang on.
This is teachable, okay?
Now, they use the word "slut"
in a sex positive way,
which is a good thing.
But other than that,
these two are a reminder
that we still have a long,
hard road ahead of us.
Long, hard.
Yeah, like a wiener,
or a schlong.
You know, get it?
Uh-huh.
Why don't we start by having
you two tell us what you thought
of the reading
assignments for today?
Uh, we don't really read stuff.
Of course not,
because you don't need to.
Because Daddy's connections
got you into college
and will get you
a job on Wall Street.
Uh, wait a minute.
Do you know who my dad is?
I'm sure he's very powerful
and can have me fired.
But I don't care.
Cool. My dad's powerful.
Oh, that's cool. Yeah.
Because Butt-Head's mom
said he died of syphilis.
Wow.
This is a classic
example of white privilege.
And you both have it.
Uh, what's that?
Anyone want to fill them in?
Yeah, I'll do it.
Okay. So, white privilege
is when white people,
particularly men,
automatically assume they
can take whatever they want.
And they never have
to worry about
getting stopped by the police.
And they have the inside
track for any job they...
I've got this one, Aisha.
They have the inside track
for any job they want.
Exactly, Gage,
thank you for that.
That's white privilege.
Whoa, and we have that?
You sure do.
- I see.
- Whoa.
I never realized this stuff.
Yeah, you've
really opened up my eyes.
Well, I'm glad we've
been able to enlighten you.
The real question is,
do you think you'll
be acting
differently from now on?
- I guarantee it.
- Yeah, me too.
Step aside, please.
We have white privilege.
Yeah, yeah, check it out.
Don't worry, it's okay.
We automatically assume
we can take what we want
and we don't have
to worry about the police.
It's okay, you didn't know.
We didn't either.
Good stuff.
This is what
we were taught, sir.
We're subverting
the existing paradigm.
This rules.
I never thought I'd say this,
but I'm glad we went to college.
Now I have the skills
for today's workplace.
Well, let's see.
What should we take next?
Let's take that car.
But that's a police car.
Beavis, you dumb-ass.
Didn't you hear?
We don't have to worry about
getting stopped by the police.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, Beavis, let's tear ass.
That was cool.
Don't move!
Uh, sir, maybe you didn't know,
but we have white privilege.
Get your hands
where I can see them.
I think the problem
is you're just uneducated.
Yeah, we're gonna
get jobs on Wall Street.
You guys know where that is?
Cut it out!
Our dads are powerful.
They did not die of syphilis.
Hey, Beavis was driving.
We're in jail, Beavis.
This kicks ass.
Yeah, that youth pastor
always said
we'd be here someday.
We finally made it.
The system works, Beavis.
So, uh, sir?
How long do
we have to stay here?
Like an hour?
We're on our way to go score.
Well, you got no one
to bail you out,
so you'll be here until
your arraignment in a month.
I'll come get you then.
- What... What? A month?
- That sucks.
No, no!
Nooo!
They ditched the phone.
They could be anywhere.
This is their work.
They're toying with us.
It's the Feds.
They're on this too.
How much do they know
about the murders I committed?
Oh... attempted.
In... in a video game.
Yeah, I... I wasn't there.
Ugh this sucks.
Damn it.
Serena's gonna be at our house,
and we're not gonna be there.
She's gonna think I don't care.
Heh heh heh. You care.
I do care.
Sometimes, I think about her,
and I don't even get a boner
but I feel good anyway.
Damn it, Beavis, shut up.
You're embarrassing me.
If you don't get a boner
when you think about her,
then you don't
know what love is.
McCabe. Inspection now.
Shit.
Okay, listen up, kid.
You're gonna help me out.
I can't let
them find these on me.
So you're going to take 'em.
Whoa, heh.
You want me
to take all of those?
Yes moron, take them now.
Okay okay.
Tastes weird.
Kinda salty.
Hey, don't eat em!
Hide 'em in your pants.
Shut up!
McCabe!
Heh heh heh heh.
This is gonna be cool.
Maybe you ought to check
on that kid.
You better shut up, McCabe.
Which one of you guys
does tattoos?
Hey, you better tell
your friend to chill, man.
Yeah, he's not really my friend.
He just, like, follows me
around all the time.
I think I want to get
a tattoo of a butt
right here on my forehead.
Heh heh heh.
I am Cornholio!
I need TP for my bunghole!
Do not make my bunghole angry.
I demand TP!
Hmm?
Give me all your TP!
All your TP now!
Quit disrespecting me!
I will find your TP.
I seek TP.
Do not disrespect my bunghole.
I am Cornholio!
I need TP for my bunghole.
Heh-heh-heh.
I demand TP, I demand TP!
More TP!
Little dude's right,
we do need more TP.
More TP, more TP!
I demand TP!
Yeah, we want more TP.
They never give us enough.
You will not disrespect
my bunghole!
Yeah, they're disrespecting us.
They're disrespecting
our bungholes.
We demand TP!
That little guy's right
about the toilet paper.
No man can see his own bunghole.
Hm-hm-hm-hm-heh.
One butt cheek here,
and then one here.
Heh-heh.
Look, are you sure
you don't want
a pair of dice or something?
Dice?
Heh-heh-heh.
This is gonna be on my head for
the rest of my life, dumb-ass.
TP! TP!
You cannot imprison
the almighty bunghole!
And now, you must pay!
Hm-heh-heh.
What the hell?
I don't get it, sir.
It started out as a simple
request for toilet paper,
but now it's out of control.
You have nothing to lose
but your bunghole!
Prepare the extraction team.
Who is this guy?
Antifa?
MS-13?
We ran him and his
associate's fingerprints,
and it came back
that they died in 1998.
What the hell?
No man is free while one
bunghole is in chains!
They died in '98?
We're dealing with something
here that's beyond explanation.
Have you ever seen a show
called "Touched by an Angel"?
No.
They always come with a message.
What could his be?
I am Cornholio!
I need TP for my bunghole!
TP! TP! TP!
Stand by to take down Cornholio.
Have you seen my bunghole?
Heh-heh.
When I open this door,
unleash hell.
Stand down.
This has turned
into something bigger.
Cornholio's their hero.
He did the most dangerous thing
you can do in this place.
He gave those men hope.
And there's a funny thing
about hope.
It's contagious.
And these days, well,
I think we need all the hope
we can get.
I hope you can see my bunghole.
So what are we supposed to do?
The only thing we can do.
Give those prisoners
all the toilet paper we got.
And then we're going
to put those two boys
on a bus back
to where they came from.
Destroy their records.
And as far as I'm concerned,
they were never here.
And with God's help,
we will learn
from Cornholio's message today,
and we will become better men.
I have but one bunghole to give.
Heh-heh-heh,
and I give it to you.
National security?
Well, that sounds important.
But those two boys
were never here.
Nope, no record of them
at this facility.
No jail is going to hold
those two for long.
And apparently
they have the ability
to wipe people's memories.
And to that end, I'm here to
surprise pardon two criminals
as part of my new
"Soft on Crime" initiative.
And I'll just take them back
to the Capitol with me
in my car.
We heard about two
youngsters arrested
over at TSU
for some minor offenses.
No, no one fitting that
description was ever here.
Really?
Are... are you sure about that?
Absolutely.
So, who do you want
to surprise pardon?
Uh...
Ma'am, we just want to say
thank you for pardoning us.
We appreciate...
Shut up.
Where the hell are
Beavis and Butt-Head?
Oh, those guys?
Oh, the warden put them on
a bus back to their hometown.
Highland Texas, I think it was.
Oh.
Highland Texas.
Finally a stroke of good luck.
Whoo-hoo!
Thank you, Governor!
You know, I guess the lesson
to learn from this is,
you probably should have
pardoned someone smaller,
because...
God damn it!
Heh heh heh.
We're almost there,
right, Butt-Head?
Heh heh heh.
We sure are, Beavis.
It's been a long journey.
Heh-heh.
- Um, Butt-Head?
- Uh, yeah?
What do you think's gonna
happen when we score?
Heh-heh-heh.
Beavis, everything
is gonna be different.
Heh-heh.
Just imagine it.
Heh-heh, heh-heh.
- Beavis.
- Huh?
You just scored with me.
I did?
Yes, and now I'm
your girlfriend.
Yes!
Whoo!
Check it out.
Heh-heh, yeah!
Oh!
Whoa!
You're right, Beavis,
fire is cool.
Ow!
I'm gonna tear
your head off and...
No, you're not!
I'm his girlfriend.
Hi-yah!
Yes!
Yes, yes, yes!
Yes!
Hah!
Ah...
Beavis, from now on, it's
just gonna be you and me.
And Butt-Head.
Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.
I'm a deer.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Heh.
Hm-hm-hm-heh.
Hey Butt-Head, I heard
you put your thingy
in a girl's thingy.
I sure did, heh-heh.
Did it hurt?
Nope, heh-heh.
And I was never worried
that it would.
Heh-heh.
Wood.
Oh, Butt-Head, would you
please score with us?
And every other girl you know?
Indeed.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Heh-heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.
Highland, end of the line.
Beavis.
Beavis, wake up.
We made it.
- Yeah, yeah, heh.
- Heh-heh.
Yeah, we're gonna score, yeah.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
This is gonna be cool.
Heh-heh.
Heh, hmhm-hm-heh.
Uh, Serena?
Heh-heh.
Serena?
Um, Butt-Head,
what are all these people
doing in our house?
Uh, are we having
a party or something?
Better not be.
We have to have sex in here.
Hehheh-heh.
Welcome, Anita Ross,
Castle Realty.
Are you interested in the home?
Uh, this is our house.
Oh, yeah,
I fell in love with it too.
Let me give you the tour.
Uh, what did you do
to our house?
Well, the current owner
bought the property to flip.
Complete renovation.
Yeah, this sucks, hm-hm-heh.
The house was empty
for a long time.
Because it belonged to the
mother of one of these
two teenagers who died in this
accident on the space shuttle.
Shirley Beavis.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, heh.
Whoa, Butt-Head, look,
a garbage disposal.
- Yeah, heh, kick ass.
- Cool.
Yeah, it's all brand-new.
Anyway, you won't believe
what happened
to Shirley Beavis when
her son died in space.
She went totally...
And then, after she blew
through the settlement money,
she did something
you wouldn't believe.
Something bigger, yeah.
She took...
Bittersweet thing she said is,
if she could just see her son
one more time,
she would tell him these words:
"Son,"...
Yeah, grind it, yeah!
That kicks ass.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Ow, hehheh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, cool, heh-heh-heh.
Hehheh-heh.
So, um, so where's Serena?
- Who?
- Serena, yeah, heh.
Siri for short.
Siri?
Is she in the bedroom already?
I mean if there's like, a line,
that's cool and everything,
but, uh, we were led
to believe we would
get first dibs.
Shut up, Butt-Head, come on.
There's no smart home system,
if that's what you mean.
There's no Siri here.
She's not here?
But... but she said... she said
she'd be here.
Hm-hm-hm-heh.
She's never lied to us before.
What happened, Butt-Head?
She promised
she was gonna be here.
And now she's not.
I thought we had something.
Where is she?
Damn it, Beavis,
how am I supposed to know?
Uh, where's the remote?
Heh-heh.
What are these things?
- Ahh!
- Ugh!
What the hell is that?
Yeah, where's the TV?
Uh, they're books.
- What?
- Heh-heh.
Books?
Books?
No, heh, no!
We were supposed to score!
It was gonna be the best thing
in the world.
And instead,
all we get is books!
The worst thing in the world.
I'm tired of this crap.
It's not fair.
Damn it, Beavis,
this is all your fault.
I would have scored if you
hadn't scared her off
with all your wuss
feelings talk.
"Oh, Serena,
oh, I don't have a boner."
Bleugh!
Shut up, Butt-Head.
I don't sound like that.
You're the one
who scared her off.
You're always
calling her a slut.
That's because
she is a slut, Beavis.
She's an S-L,
uh, O or something slut.
She told us herself, remember?
256 men, 49 women, a dog,
a chimpanzee with a wiener
the size of a...
Ugh!
Beavis, you've just
crossed a line.
And I think we both know
what needs to happen now.
Ah! Butthole!
Heh-heh.
Butt-Head, I'm gonna kill you,
you son of a bitch!
Oh, my.
I know this can be an
emotional decision
for a couple, but...
Beavis, you son of a whore.
Yeah, all right, here we go,
here we go, let's just...
Yeah, let's just move this
party outside.
Get your hands off me, bunghole!
Okay, just go, go, go, go,
go, good, good, good, good.
My email's on the flyer.
Damn it, Butt-Head.
I finally found someone,
and you're jealous!
"I have feelings, Serena,
wuh-heh-heh, let's hold hands.
"Wuh-heh-heh."
Shut up, ButtHead!
You're the one
who drove her away.
She said she doesn't
understand you,
and we talked about spider webs
and you ruined everything.
Damn it, Beavis,
Serena never liked you,
she was just talking
to you to get to me.
I'm tired
of you weighing me down.
I'm gonna get out of here,
and don't follow me.
Heh-heh-heh.
Well, don't follow me.
Butthole! Hehe.
I could hardly believe it
When I heard the news today
I had to come and get it
Straight from you
They said you were leaving
Someone swept
your heart away
From the look
upon your face
I see it's true
So tell me all about it
Shut up, dumb-ass.
Tell about the plans
you're making
Tell me one thing
more before I go
Tell my how am I supposed
to live without you
Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.
Hey, Beavis, check...
Uh, oh.
[Dramatic chord]
Let go of me, butthole.
Hey, hey, what are you... ah,
hey, what are you doing?
Hm-hm-hm-heh.
Are you here because you
hate the United States?
Um, heh, the United States?
Is that, like, part of America
or something?
It's hard to believe
this species
mastered interstellar travel.
Perhaps the two beings
share one brain.
Apart, they're barely able
to feed themselves.
But together, their intelligence
is beyond what we can
even conceive.
Hm-heh.
We've located the
second creature.
If we keep them apart,
it'll neutralize the threat.
But if we don't bring
them together,
we'll never know their plans
for world conquest.
Or the location of their
internal sexual organs.
Heh-heh-heh.
Pipe.
Stop playing dumb.
Are you here to destroy me?
Uh, if that's
how you want it, baby.
Heh-heh.
But I can also be very gentle.
Okay, we're not
getting anywhere.
Uh, I don't mind
the handcuffs, but like,
is this dumb-ass gonna be in the
room while we're getting it on?
Who is this?
Hello, Governor.
It appears we each have
something the other wants.
Governor Ryan, the secret
Defense Command
demands you turn over
your prisoner immediately
for reasons of
national security.
You're sitting
too close to me, Beavis.
You're sitting too close to me.
Butthole, hm-hm-heh.
As long as you're in the
state of Texas, Special Agent,
both those boys belong to me.
And to a lesser extent me,
because I'm the lieutenant...
There's no ice in this.
Could your assistant get me
some ice as well?
Oh, I'm not actually her
assistant, I'm the lieutenant...
Hartson, just get us some ice.
Heh, bunghole.
You're the bunghole, buttwagon.
The federal government
has jurisdiction.
He said dick.
Heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.
Heh, hmhm-heh.
It's not that funny,
hm-hm-hm-heh.
Federal law dictates
that you turn them over.
Whoa, he definitely
said dick that time.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Hehheh-hm-heh, yeah, heh.
Yeah, so what?
It's not that funny, Butt-Head.
So one word sounds
like another word,
big deal, who cares?
So you can ruin me and have
me replaced as governor
with one of your
deep state assets?
She said ate ass.
Heh-heh-heh.
Whoa, ate ass.
She said ate ass!
Jesus, what is wrong with you?
I did not say ate ass.
- She said it again, hm-heh.
- Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Ate ass.
They're just sitting around
saying ate ass.
- Ate ass.
- Ate ass.
- They are really annoying.
- Ate ass, sir.
Is there another room
we could put them in?
Ate ass!
- Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh.
- Heh-heh-heh, ate ass.
Hm-hm-heh-heh-heh.
Ate ass, hehheh.
And then she said
she didn't say ate ass,
which made her say it again.
And then we said it, remember?
Hm-hm-hm-heh-heh.
Yeah, that was cool.
- Oh, boy.
- Heh-heh-heh.
Quick, I don't have much time.
I know what Serena did to you
on the Endeavor.
Uh, she hasn't done it yet.
It's gonna be any minute
though, yeah.
I can help you bring her down.
Uh, so like,
you'd be in the room?
I'll be right behind you
all the way.
- Heh.
- Ugh.
Really?
I don't know, ButtHead,
I guess it's worth it, I mean,
I wouldn't say no to anything
at this point.
Here's the plan.
I left the keys in that
green car right down there.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Take the highway northbound
to the Pecos county rest stop.
Mm-hmm, sounds good.
There's a reporter from
the morning news
waiting to hear your story.
- Okay.
- All right, uh-huh.
- Did you get all that?
- Yes, sir, heh-heh.
Yep, we're gonna score.
Heh-heh-heh.
Damn right.
I have to go back in there
before they get suspicious,
but you've got to
get out of here, now.
The people in there
want you dead.
What she tried
to do to you in '98
she's done to me every day
for 24 years.
- Christ, heh-heh-heh.
- Whoa, heh-heh.
There's no need
to brag about it.
I'm going to make sure
she can't do it to you
or anyone else ever again.
Uh, wait a minute,
I think I see
what's going on here.
He doesn't want us to score.
That's why he took
the handcuffs off.
Yeah, yeah, because he knows
Serena has a thing
for handcuffs.
Yeah, hm-hm-heh.
Exactly.
And that's why he gave us a car,
and directions
to someplace far away
where Serena will never find us.
That dirty butthole.
Damn it! Heh.
What's wrong with that guy?
He's scored every day
for... for 24 years.
That's like, um, 50 times.
We got to get back in there
and get those handcuffs
back on, Beavis.
We just outsmarted
that son of a bitch.
Damn it, it's locked.
Quick, Butt-Head, the window.
- Ah!
- Ugh.
Heh-heh.
That was close, hmhm-heh.
I can't wait to see
the look on his face
when he sees that car
and we're not in it.
Heh-heh-heh.
Hehheh-heh.
What did I miss?
This is so funny.
We were arguing
whether they're aliens
or the boys
from the Space Shuttle.
But then we realized,
it doesn't matter.
We both want the same thing.
We want to kill them,
and they want to dissect them.
We're all on the same team.
Well, let's go kill them.
And dissect them, right, Phil?
You got me.
What the hell?
Uh, just hold on a second.
What is it, Hartson?
All this talk about dissecting
is making me curious.
No, you know what, forget it,
it's probably way
too complicated for someone
like me to understand.
Hmm.
Oh, no, no, no, on the contrary,
this will just take a minute.
I've got some pictures
on my phone.
First, you need
to locate the anus.
Okay, there, we got 'em closed.
Now let's put our hands in.
It won't fit, Butt-Head.
How'd we ever get our hands
in here in the first place?
Uh, let's open them up
and start over again.
We need a key, heh-heh.
I think that guy said the
keys are in the green car.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Uh, oh, yeah.
Heh-heh, good thinking, Beavis.
Heh-heh-heh.
Yeah, hehheh, thanks.
I know you're thinking,
"I need an expensive scalpel,"
but save your money
for the embalming fluid.
There's a guy in Ecuador
who can set you up...
You know what,
we don't have time for this.
Let's go kill those boys, huh?
Heh-heh.
- Damn it.
- I think you just, um...
- This key sucks.
- Yeah, I don't know.
They're gone.
What?
I can't believe it!
Where could they have gone?
I think I have an idea.
Directions to 322 Woodson
Street, Highland, Texas.
Heh-heh-heh.
Wood.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Let's go.
- Damn it.
- Hartson, get in the van.
It doesn't fit.
Hey, Serena's in there.
And that butthole.
He's gonna go score with her.
Why is it always
a guy with a van?
We got to save her before
Hartson bones her again.
Heh-heh.
Yeah, he's out of control.
And, um, I just want to say, um,
you can score first
if you want to, Butt-Head.
Hm-hm-heh.
Beavis, I'm not gonna score.
And you're not gonna score.
We're gonna score.
Yeah, heh, yeah, yeah!
Now let's go score
before I change my mind.
Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
Yeah!
All we need now is a car.
Hmm.
Um, ButtHead, we're in a car.
Yeah, hm-hm-hm-heh.
Oh, yeah, hehheh.
You really brought
your A-game today, Beavis.
Heh-heh-heh.
Heh, yeah, thanks.
Hm-hm-heh.
Remember, Butt-Head, it's
gonna go backwards like before.
Yeah, hm-hm-hm-hm-heh.
Uh, oh, yeah.
Heh-heh, you're on a roll,
Beavis.
Heh-heh.
Just gonna back this baby out
and go score.
Heh, kick ass, yeah!
Heh-heh-heh.
Hehheh-heh.
This is cool.
Yeah, yeah, heh-heh, yeah.
Whoa!
Hehheh.
Wait, I see her!
I see her, Butt-Head, speed up!
Okay, Beavis.
Revolution in their minds
The children start to march
Heh-heh-heh.
Hang on, we're being followed.
What the hell?
There she is!
Faster, Butt-Head,
come on, faster!
Who could it be?
Probably just someone
who just happens
to be going our way.
To the store, perhaps.
It's the Venezuelans
or Al-Qaeda.
Or the Venusians.
Or Arcturus Six.
Or probably just someone
going to the store.
You know how
you run out of milk?
I think it's time
to put this baby
into high gear, Beavis.
Yeah, yeah, heh, yeah
let's do it, yeah.
What does R stand for?
Hm-hm-heh.
Uh, really fast?
Yeah, yeah,
let's go really fast.
Ow, heh, ow!
Ugh!
Ugh.
You have a bag in your face.
- Heh-heh-heh.
- Oh, yeah, heh-heh.
Bag, heh-heh-heh.
Hehheh-heh-heh.
Come on, Butt-Head!
Come on, drive!
We have to save Serena, come on.
Children of tomorrow live
in the tears that fall today
Will the sun rise up
tomorrow
Bring in peace in any way?
Must the world live
in the shadow...
Uh, I think there's
something wrong with this car.
Heh-heh-heh.
The car is going
backwards, Butt-Head.
Heh.
Uh, oh.
Heh-heh, cool.
Whew, well,
I think we lost them.
Nothing to worry about, I guess.
They're back, and they're
driving backwards.
What the hell is happening?
Who are these guys?
The East Germans train their
assassination teams
to drive backwards
to give their snipers
a better field of vision.
We almost got 'em,
Butt-Head, hurry.
Heh-heh-hm-hm-heh.
Beavis and Butt-Head.
Listen carefully.
You only have three minutes
to go through the portal.
Our universes
hang in the balance.
Uh, how did you get here?
Our universe has technology
that you can only dream of.
Can you watch porn on it?
Yes, an infinite amount.
Every scenario
you can ever imagine.
But none of it will exist
if you do not go
through the portal.
Why did you not go
through the portal before?
It was right there behind
the Classics department.
You could have saved the
universe and maybe learned
how Latin is the basis
of English grammar.
But no matter.
At great personal expense,
we have moved the portal again.
It is now in your old home,
in the poorly renovated
half bathroom.
Enter now so the portal
might seal itself,
and you will return
to a universe
where you never went through
the black hole
but instead lived your lives
these past 24 years.
- Heh-heh-heh-heh.
- Hm-hm-heh-heh.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Um, heh, who are those guys?
Uh, I don't know.
They seem pretty cool, though.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
not too bad, really.
This show sucks.
Yeah, yeah, it's horrible.
Change the channel, Butt-Head,
come on, right now.
Don't tell me what to do.
Yeah, yeah, hit 'em,
hit 'em again.
Come on, turn that show back on.
There is no time.
Now fly to the portal, fly.
There's a stop sign, Butt-Head.
Fly, my friends...
Heh, ow.
Ah!
That was painful.
We must hasten to the...
Looks like we lost them.
Woodson Street
is right up ahead.
There they are, Butt-Head.
Sweet Christ.
There's only five people
in the world
who could drive like that.
Yeah, again, probably just
someone going out shopping,
and their
transmission got
stuck in reverse.
Happens to me.
Never happened to you?
I'm not going down
without a fight.
Or instead, you could pull over
and let me out and...
Ahh!
Cool.
Someone put a little mirror here
where you can, like,
see behind...
Heh-heh.
I don't see it, where?
Ah!
Ugh!
Hey Butt-Head, they stopped.
We got 'em
right where we want 'em.
- Ah, ah!
- Ugh!
Get out of the car.
- Of course.
- What the hell?
That's right, baby.
Our little dance of seduction
is now complete.
Heh-heh-heh.
Hm, yeah, heh, oh, yeah.
Hold your fire.
24 years ago,
you nearly destroyed me.
And now you've traveled
through time and space
to try to destroy me again.
I want to be the one to do this.
Yes!
Heh-heh.
Yes, it's really
going to happen!
Wait, bu... why are you happy?
Uh, because, milady,
we are about to score with thee.
Together.
- Heh-heh, heh-heh.
- Hm, yeah, heh-heh.
Hang on.
Do you think I'm going
to have sex with you?
Uh, yeah.
Heh-heh.
So, um, should we do it here
or in the kitchen,
'cause I think that guy
wants to watch or something?
- Heh-heh.
- Hm, yeah, heh.
Yeah, you said
you'd have sex with us
back at Space Camp.
Remember?
What did I say at Space Camp?
How would you guys
like to do that,
but do it for real, with me?
- Whoa.
- Yes!
That wasn't so hard, was it?
Well, actually,
it was pretty hard
until the last five minutes
or so,
but then I got barf on it.
And then, you know, just, heh,
see you later.
To me, the most exciting
part is re-entry.
- Heh-heh-heh.
- Hm-heh-heh.
Yeah, we get to do it twice!
Do it...
so hard...
re-entry...
Oh, my God.
You were never out to get me.
You just wanted to have sex
with me.
Yeah, baby, heh-heh.
Guilty as charged, heh,
you know what I'm saying?
Hm-hm-hm-hm-heh.
These boys aren't my enemies,
and they're not aliens out
to destroy our way of life.
They're just two very, very
stupid and horny teenagers.
Uh, huh?
Heh-heh.
Yeah, come on, hehheh.
Boi-yoi-yoi-ing!
I can't believe I've been
hanging on to this
for 24 years.
Yeah, I've been
hanging on to it too.
Hm-hm-heh.
And now, I know you mean
you've been masturbating.
It's all so simple.
Well, I'll be.
Masturbating.
Let's all go home.
Oh, no, I'm not gonna
let everyone
just walk away from this.
I know everything you've done,
every law you've broken.
That's right, from now on,
it's gonna be my turn because...
- What?
- What the hell?
Beavis and Butt-Head, hear us.
You need to open the door
first, Smart Butt-Head.
Yes, yes, the door, yes.
Well observed, Smart Beavis,
well observed, yes.
Beavis and Butt-Head, hear us.
You have mere seconds
to enter the portal.
Only by the two of you
entering this portal
can our universes be saved.
Otherwise, the entire cosmos
shall perish forever.
Make haste.
Uh, okay, haste.
No, they are witnesses and
they are not going anywhere!
And I don't know
who you two freaks are
or how you're mixed up in this,
but I'm gonna find out.
I am done being a laughingstock.
I've already called the Federal
whistleblower hotline
and as soon as I get off hold...
Hello, can I help you?
You sure can, I am calling
from Highland, Texas, and I...
Hello?
Hello?
Asshole.
Hmm.
Well, I will be damned.
That appears to have worked.
We thought it needed
to be the two of you
to go through the portal.
But I guess anything
would have worked.
We could have
thrown a brick in there.
It's safe to say,
we were making it
more complicated
than it needed to be.
While we are the smartest
Beavis and Butt-Head
in all the cosmos,
in absolute terms,
we're still not so bright.
Okay, boys.
No one can know what
happened here tonight.
So what will it take
to keep you quiet?
Uh, we want to score.
Heh-heh.
Oh, God.
I mean, I suppose it's not
the most disgusting thing
I've done for my career.
So would it have to be
both of you?
That's right, Serena.
We're a team.
Yep.
- Heh-heh-heh.
- Hm-hm-hm-heh.
Oh, God, this is, oof, rough.
I'm gonna need a minute
to think about this.
Um, heh, Serena,
whatever you decide,
you know, like, either way,
there's something
I need to tell you.
Um, heh.
Something I tried to say before,
but I didn't have the courage.
Go ahead, Beavis.
Now Serena, I've been
on a long journey
and I've been to outer space
and I've been in a toilet.
And I think I've been
to some other places
that, um, heh, I don't remember.
But um...
You went to college.
Oh, yeah, yeah, heh,
I went to college...
And you went to jail.
No, I don't remember that.
Anyway, along the way,
I learned some things and stuff.
Or something, and, um, heh.
And so now, I finally am ready
to say to you what I've been
wanting to say,
which is that...
That I... I, um, heh, I lo...
I... I...
I... I lo...
Come on, kid, you can do it.
I...
I love you, Serena.
For years,
I have watched you from afar
through the portal,
entranced by your beauty,
your elegance, your grace,
your intelligence,
your knowledge of science.
Wait a second.
And I have a better
offer for you.
Come with me to my universe,
and I will show you the
mysteries of the cosmos
as we travel across
the galaxies,
beyond anything
NASA will ever achieve...
fulfilling all the dreams
you ever had
since you were a little girl
staring up at the stars.
Wow, that is, surprisingly,
everything I've ever dreamed of.
Um, I have an offer too,
um, heh.
I found a coupon in the car
for Taco Bell.
I was thinking maybe we could,
um,
we could go have a taco...
Also I was thinking
we might score.
You know what?
So was I.
Yeah, sometimes the
Taco Bell has a Pizza Hut.
You know, if you don't like
tacos, heh, or nachos.
I have a gigantic schlong.
I hope that's okay.
Oh, boy, yeah, I knew it.
Here we go again.
Hm-hm-hm-hm-heh.
Beavis, you're a dumb-ass.
Heh-heh-heh.
Hmhm-hm-heh.
- Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.
- Heh, hm-hm-hm-heh.
And there you have it.
The greatest story ever told.
Heh-heh-heh.
Pretty cool, yeah, hehheh.
We promised those government
buttholes that we wouldn't
tell anyone what happened,
and they gave us
a brand-new TV
and put our house back
exactly the way it was.
And it wasn't me,
but somewhere out there,
there's a Beavis who scored.
Hm, yeah, heh-heh-heh.
- Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.
- Heh, hm-hm, heh.
- Heh-heh-heh-heh.
- Hm, heh-heh, heh-heh.
Smart Beavis
and Smart Butt-Head,
we honor you.
For you, Smart Beavis, are
the first among us to score.
And you, Smart Butt-Head,
were able to watch
by hiding in a suitcase
at the foot of the bed.
Serena left immediately
and is not returning
phone calls or texts.
But no matter.
Tonight, we celebrate!
Chirp.