Bedazzled (2000) Movie Script

Synedyne Technical Support.
How can I help you?
Synedyne Technical Support.
How can I help you?
This is Elliot. How can I help you?
Oh, wow. Yeah, okay.
Give me a second to find you here.
My computer's running slow today.
Wake up, fella. There you are.
Hey, you got yourself a model 5732...
...128 megs of RAM,
You say it hangs every time you print?
Wow! All right, no problem.
Can you hold for two seconds?
Carol! Carol.
I don't know what you've been told,
but the rest of us start at 9.
Just kidding. Good morning.
Hey, Dan, my man! What's up, my bro?
Yeah, put it there! All right. Yeah.
You and the guys up
for some hoopage after work?
We don't know yet, Elliot.
I'm not sure yet, okay?
That's cool. Just let me know.
I'm there. I love the round ball.
That's why they call me " Air Elliot."
Make sure that you let me know
the right time...
...because last week you said 6:30.
When I got there you were leaving.
I mean, how stupid did you feel?
Pretty stupid, Elliot.
No problem, Danny. Give it up.
-Hey, Daniel.
-Hey, man, how you doing?
Good, good. How you doing, man?
Hey, Bob!
-What's up?
-Hey, Elliot.
You and your posse gonna hit
the Brewery tonight?
My " posse" ? No.
They're all busy with the big--
What's with your neck?
Oh, nothing. It's a repetitive stress
disorder. It's a headset injury.
How about we knock back some suds
and check out the babes?
Elliot, I'm married, remember?
I'm gonna go home,
spend some time with my wife.
Taking a trip to Whipville.
It just gets funnier
every time you do that.
Don't, don't, don't--
Hey, Jerry!
Jerry, Jerry, bo-berry,
fee-fie-fo-ferry, Jerry!
-What's happening, brother?
-Running to an important meeting.
You'll appreciate this,
because we're stereo component nuts.
Check these out, homes.
These are the new lngebritzens.
XVC speakers.
The back of the left speaker,
the front of the right.
Sweet, sweet, sweet.
That's the front of the left--
No, that's the right....
I think-- Oh, man!
-It's Elliot.
Who told him we were here?
-Oh, shit.
-Did you tell him we were here?
You guys!
I told you not to--
Well, well, well,
isn't this a big surprise?
I thought everybody was busy.
A slight change of plans.
Oh, is that right? Well, I'm
a little bit peeved at you guys.
You tried to ditch me.
I might not even sit down.
We understand. See you tomorrow.
-Later, Elliot.
-I'm kidding!
-Switch places with me.
-I'm fine.
-Oh, my goodness gracious.
You've gotta be kidding!
Don't tell me you have
a thing for Alison Gardner.
-Oh, man!
She's way out of your league.
lsn't she dating that guy in research?
Brian, with the teeth.
Brian? The guy with the teeth.
No, that's been over
for three months now.
-Oh, yeah? How do you know that?
-I know a lot of things about her.
She likes her bagels buttered,
but not toasted.
-How specific.
I know that she looks beautiful in
any color, but when she wears blue....
You guys old friends?
We have been working together at
the same company for four years.
You spend time together,
you get close.
So it should be no problem
for you to just get up and say hello.
She's with somebody.
I'll catch up with her tomorrow.
Hold on, Elliot.
Come clean here. You have never
spoken to Alison Gardner, right?
Of course I have.
-Did I say " queer" earlier?
-You are pathetic, Elliot! Really.
I guess you guys won't
let me relax tonight...
...until I go say hello.
-I guess not.
Well, if that'll make you happy.
You think I'm pathetic.
-Don't touch me.
-Go for it, tiger.
Good luck.
Do I know you?
Oh, I should hope so.
We've worked together at Synedyne
for the last four years.
I'm Elliot Richards.
We've spoken.
I'm sorry, I don't--
It was the first week of June,
three years ago.
I said it was wet out.
We were in the lobby,
and I said it was really wet out.
It was raining at the time.
I assume that.
So here we are, talking again.
Well, take it easy.
I'm here with friends
and I was wondering if you wanted....
Dear God, I would give anything
to have that girl in my life.
I was wondering, is--
If this is--
I was standing over there and you--
You're very glib.
I bet you're a whiz with the ladies.
-You here alone?
No! I'm here
with some buddies from work.
I saw you talking to a woman.
Yeah, but I'm not with her.
But you'd like to be, huh?
What makes you say that?
I don't know. When a man says
he'd give anything... have a woman in his life,
I assume she means something to him.
How did you hear me?
-I was standing way over--
-I have fantastic hearing.
And a number of other
equally impressive talents.
Let's go someplace quiet
so we can talk.
Okay.... What?
You want to talk to me?
Is there a problem?
Are you not attracted to me?
I think you're hot.
Baby, you have no idea.
-lKiss me.
-What? Here?
Don't be afraid
to explore new horizons.
Can you give us two seconds, girls?
Yeah, can you give us two seconds?
You seem really nice, in a...
...scary kind of way...
...but my friends
are probably waiting for me... I'm gonna just get going.
You're so nervous, Elliot.
How do you know my name?
I'm psychic.
Plus it's on your nametag.
Now then, I just want
to talk business for a second.
Oh, I'm not into that.
I mean, I've never paid
for sex before.
Except this one time--
The lnternet. Couldn't help it.
You sign on, it's " sex, sex, sex."
I'm not a hooker.
I want to ask you a question.
How would you like to make
one simple decision...
...that'll change your life forever?
Okay, I'm glad Scientology
works for you, but--
Just listen.
What if I told you that
I have the cataclysmic power... give you anything and everything
you've always dreamed of?
Who are you?
Promise not to tell anyone?
Cross your heart and hope to die?
I'm the Devil.
I think somebody's had
"tee many martoonis!"
I am the Devil. Satan, Lucifer,
Beelzebub. The Prince of Darkness.
Well, the Princess of Darkness,
Here's my card.
" The Devil." Yep.
That explains it.
Now I believe you.
You're a very skeptical person,
you know that?
How did--
How did you just-- And you--
Look. If you could just buy into this
"I'm the Devil" thing...'ll save us a lot
of these questions.
Maybe I should call you a cab.
It'll be hard to find one
going to Hell this time of night.
Oh! What a delightfully piquant wit.
I can see we're gonna
get along famously.
Cheers, darling.
Are you-- You can't--
Look at-- Jeez!
You can't do that.
That's very dangerous!
Why is this so hard
for you to believe?
You think your parents just
made me up so you'd be good?
Okay, okay. You're the Devil.
What do you want with me?
I want you to be happy, Elliot.
You have such potential.
You need a push
in the right direction.
I am happy!
Oh, please!
You don't have to lie to me.
I know every dark thought
in your tiny little mind.
Every night you go to
your horrible little apartment... eat your little frozen dinner,
make your popcorn...
...and watch TV until you can't keep
your eyes open anymore.
And then you crawl off to bed...
...and wonder why you're alone
and nobody likes you.
Not every night.
And you cry.
Yeah, sure!
I know what's in your heart, Elliot.
You could cry right now.
I'm talking about reinvention,
taking control of your destiny.
You want to be liked?
You want to be loved?
How about respected?
How about feared?
What exactly are we talking about?
You want to see how it works, baby?
Wish for something.
-Like what?
-Whatever you want, it's yours.
Just say the word.
...I wish I had a Big Mac
and a large Coke.
It is done.
Hi, what can I get you?
A Big Mac and a large Coke.
Comes to $3.47.
Do you have $3.47?
I left my purse in the underworld.
Oh, yes! This truly is
the work of the Devil!
And to think that I doubted you!
I'm gonna go now.
Well, what's the problem?
This doesn't prove anything!
I could have done this myself.
I even had to pay.
No such thing as a free lunch.
Didn't anyone ever tell you that?
I didn't even get fries.
I don't believe this. I'm offering
you the opportunity of a lifetime...
...and all you can do is moan
about French fries?
-Good night.
-Oh, fine! Okay.
I'm not getting through to you,
so let's just forget it.
Come on, I'll give you
a lift back to your car.
That's your car?
-It's him!
-It's Elliot!
Elliot, right here.
I love you, Elliot!
Where are we?
Just a little after-hours club I own.
We'd better get in there.
Everyone's waiting for you.
Everyone who?
All your friends.
How you doing, Mr. Richards?
Elliot, one picture!
-Hey! Hey, Elliot!
-No way! This is your club?
It sure is.
Yeah, baby!
-Hello, Elliot.
-Elliot, dance with me.
-No, dance with me.
No, he's gonna dance with me first.
Okay, girls, break it up.
He belongs to me.
How the hell are you?
Somebody take a picture of us.
-Hold it!
I think she likes you too.
-Are you hungry?
-Uh-huh. Sort of.
These look just like my grandma's.
-Try one.
These are my grandma's cookies!
I aim to please, handsome. Come on.
How did you--?
-You liked that, didn't you?
-What, the cookie?
Those people excited to see you.
It's nice to feel accepted, isn't it?
I can give you that.
I can make the whole world love you.
-Come on!
-You still don't believe me, do you?
Of course not!
First of all,
you look nothing like the Devil.
Oh, really? I suppose I could
have gone this way.
But it's so trick-or-treat.
It's true!
You really are the Devil!
Oh, come on, baby.
Come and sit down.
I know this has all been
horribly overwhelming for you.
-Can I ask you a question?
-Sure you can.
Ask me anything.
Just don't ask if there's a God.
I get that one all the time.
It drives me absolutely bonkers.
Yes, there's a God.
Really? Well, what's He like?
You'd think meeting me
would be interesting enough...
...but all they want to know about is
Him! Like He's so bloody fascinating.
-So He's a man?
Most men think they're God.
This one just happens to be right.
Now listen, darling.
I don't want to pressure you...
...but why don't we take
a teensy look at the contract?
" l, Elliot Richards, hereafter
known as 'the Damned'"
-" The Damned" ?
-How about " the Darned" ? Better?
Don't get hung up on the language.
There's nothing sinister here.
It's all standard boilerplate.
Paragraph one states that " l,
the Devil...
...a non-profit corporation, with
offices in Purgatory, Hell and L.A...
...will give you seven wishes
to use as you see fit."
Seven? Why not eight?
Why not six? I don't know.
Seven just sounds right.
Paragraph two outlines the manner
in which you'll pay for the wishes.
What? I have to give you my soul?
-After you've had your wishes.
-But it's my soul!
-I can't give you my soul!
-What are you? James Brown?
What's the big deal?
You ever seen your soul?
-Do you even know what it is?
-Of course, it's the thing that--
No, that's-- It floats around--
Can I tell you something?
Souls are overrated.
They don't really do anything.
Has yours done anything
for you so far?
No, it's like your appendix.
You'll never even miss it.
Well, if it's so useless,
then why do you want it so much?
Ooh, aren't you the clever one?
Look, who's really making out
in this deal here?
Seven utterly fabulous wishes
for one piddling little soul?
Well, I don't know.
What have we here?
Wait. Who is--
How did you--
She is so beautiful.
-I've waited for you.
-Who's that?
-I've waited for you.
-Who's she with?
-I want you now, my Iove.
-Why are you showing me this?
Oh, I love your hair like that.
You must go through
conditioner like crazy.
Is this real?
It could be.
All you have to do is sign.
And you promise I'll get her?
You're the one with the wishes.
But I promise I'll do
everything in my power.
Sign it, Elliot.
sign it.
PIease, EIIiot. I'm waiting, EIIiot.
Now, before you start wishing
you'll be needing this.
If your wish isn't going
the way you hoped...
...just take out the pager, hit 666,
and it'll bring you right back to me.
Why wouldn't it go the way
that I'd hoped?
I was just throwing that out
as an example.
Every wish is gonna be
But you'll find that out
as soon as you make one.
-So I should make one now?
-Well, if you don't mind.
I've got places to go...
...people to condemn to
an eternity of fiery torment.
Okay, let me think. I--
-I want to be married to Alison.
-You got it.
I also want to be rich.
Always a popular choice.
That's not all. I want to be
very rich and very powerful.
Ooh, even better.
Remember, you have to say " I wish."
I wish that I were
married to Alison...
...and that I were very rich
and very powerful.
-How's that sound?
-Sounds good to me.
" I am is to visiting
in the Los Angeles...
...for the time of vacations."
Back so soon?
You turned me into a drug dealer!
They almost killed me!
You asked for rich and powerful.
-Not like that.
-Goes with the territory, babe.
" Root of all evil...."
Ring any bells?
But what about Alison?
What got into her?
I think it was Raoul.
Yeah! That's not what I wished for.
Hold on now, mister. You wished
that the two of you were married.
You didn't say anything about her
loving you.
You know, when two people get
married I assume that--
There's your mistake.
-May I suggest something?
Rich and powerful
wasn't really the way to go.
Everyone wishes for that,
and it never pans out.
-The fact of the matter is...
...women aren't really attracted
to wealth and power.
-They're not?
-No, of course not.
They couldn't give
a fig for all that rubbish.
What you need to figure out is
what she wants in a man.
How do I find that out?
I'm not with her!
Where are we?
A place you never would have seen
without my help. Alison's bedroom.
We can't be in here.
This is breaking and entering.
I know.
It's fun, isn't it?
I'm sure we're gonna find the answer
somewhere around here.
What if Alison catches us?
Don't worry.
She won't be able to see you.
...she's in the shower.
Right behind that door.
Go on, go ahead.
Take a peep.
Oh, come on.
We both know you want to.
You must think I'm
really perverted, don't you?
You think I'm a sad, desperate,
twisted, pathetic loser.
In that case,
I'll take a quick look.
Focus, Elliot.
Remember, we're here to find out
what kind of man she wants.
How do we do that?
Well, she keeps a journal.
And here it is!
I'll find some information
here that you'll find useful.
Hey, that's private stuff.
Is it ever!
Listen to this.
" Last night was the most
incredible night of my life.
I never did find out any of the guys'
names, but I brought them here...
...and all five banged me
like a Salvation Army drum."
-Give me that!
-Just kidding.
I could have been a writer.
She could bump into you
and she wouldn't feel it.
Now this is good.
" I meet many attractive men
who are interested in me and...
...while many of them are handsome
or clever or very successful...
...I find myself turning away
from them and...
...searching the horizon
for someone else.
I don't know who he is or where
I'll find him. I only know...
...that he is a sensitive man.
He's a man who's in touch
with his emotions.
He's a man who's not afraid
to share his fears...
...his disappointments and his tears.
'Where are you, my sensitive man?'"
Did you see that?
She passed right through me.
We were one person for a split second.
Just like in Ghost!
I've got an earthquake
in eight minutes.
Any chance of making a wish here?
I wish I were the most sensitive
man in the world.
Right. Okay.
I wish I were the most emotionally
sensitive man in the world.
I was hoping you wouldn't catch that.
I could have had a lot of fun.
And I want her to love me.
You know what?
I have a great feeling about this.
-You do?
-Yeah, but...
...what do I know?
I'm back, my love.
Where did you go?
I went to make a garland of beach plums
to place atop your glorious head... a crown.
But then I caught sight
of that sunset and....
I don't know.
Something stirred inside me
and I had to stop...
...and weep.
It's beautiful.
Yeah, it is.
There I go again.
I never wipe my tears away.
I'm not ashamed of them.
I wear them proudly.
Like small, wet, salty
badges of emotional truth.
Elliot, there's something that
I think we should talk about.
We've been together for, what,
about three weeks now?
Three magical weeks.
Three magical weeks.
I don't think that I've ever met
a man who's been more in touch...
-...with his feelings.
-I love you.
So very much.
I love you too.
I'm sorry, they're such little devils.
Come on, you naughty boys. See you.
I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
Do you need comforting on any level?
No, no, I'm fine.
Have I done or said anything to make
you feel less good about you?
No, no, I'm fine.
Would you like something to eat?
I made a Salade Nicoise...
...with dolphin-safe tuna.
Oh, well.
What is it?
It's that sunset again.
And I worry about the dolphins.
I wrote a song about them.
Like to hear it?
Now? I....
-I have to stop.
-Good. I mean, why?
I'm looking at you, and I'm seeing...
...all the beauty of the world
shining at me, through your eyes.
Mind if I sketch you?
I didn't now you could draw.
I'm not an artist, per se.
There's something that
I think I really have to say.
Elliot, that's amazing!
Compared to you, it's nothing.
Compared to your smile and...
...the blush of your cheek, your voice
as it floats on the evening breeze....
Compared to you, that sunset's just....
When is that thing gonna set?
-Maybe we should go.
-No, wait!
There's so much that I want to say
to you, but I can't find the words.
I have an idea. I would like... improvise a sonnet
about your hair.
How wonderful my fair one's face--
Excuse me, fellas.
Might I ask you to take the horseplay
down to another part of the beach?
You know, rather than
get confrontational...
...why don't we all
sit down together...
...have some salad with dolphin-safe
tuna, and start a dialogue.
You know, I had a feeling that
you were gonna--
Okay, guys....
I'm gonna have to ask you to respect
the moment that my woman friend...
...and I are sharing,
because it's a celebration...
...of love and caring...
...and unique spiritual
and emotional understanding.
Want to get a beer?
Excuse me, but I thought that
this was our time together.
It's just a beer.
I'll be back soon.
My place is, like,
Where's your car?
-It's a van.
Alison! I respect your
uniqueness and your individuality...
...and you're your own person. If you
want to go with our new friends...
...I won't stand in your way.
Thanks, Elliot.
I knew you'd understand.
No, wait!
Don't go! Don't go!
I can't handle this rejection.
Why don't you want to stay?
You want to know why, Elliot?
Because you're just too sensitive!
I'm about to go out of my mind!
It's been wonderful,
and God knows I love you...
...but enough is enough!
I want to be with a man who'll
ignore me and take me for granted.
Who pretends to be interested
in who I am and what I think... he can get into my pants.
That would be me.
Oh, thank you!
Let's get out of here.
Alison? Wait!
I'll get into your pants!
Oh, Elliot, get out of there,
you silly boy.
Man, you are so bad!
Why, thank you.
You're not very good at this whole
instant-travel thing, are you?
I'm sorry. Now then,
what were we talking about?
Oh, your next wish.
Don't think I don't see
what you're doing.
I make wishes, and you think up
ways to ruin them!
I ruin them?
How can you say that?
I'm not perfect, you know!
Do you think I enjoy this?
I'm stuck in this horrible job
for eternity. Everybody hates me.
When I try to help someone
they turn on me... I'm supposed to be God
or something!
For your information,
my life is a living hell!
I work hard!
I try to look good for you!
You do look good.
You look very good.
I just wanted you to like me!
I do like you. It's just, I'm
feeling a little frustrated here.
Don't give up on me, Elliot.
I'm not giving up on you.
Nobody gets it totally right
right away.
You're doing great. Really.
-I am?
-Yeah. You are.
I'm so sorry your wish
didn't work out.
I'm sorry if I said anything
to upset you or make you feel bad.
And I'm gonna try to be more
sensitive next time.
Oh, I think you're
sensitive enough already.
-You think?
-You kidding? You went for me crying.
Were you faking me out?
I was 100% sincere.
It's not easy being the Barbra
Streisand of evil, you know.
What have we learned so far?
I think women really
don't know what they want.
They say they want sensitivity,
but you saw how fast she went...
-...for those tough dudes on the beach?
-Which tells you...?
It tells me that I want to be
big and strong.
I want to have a great body.
Tall and, like....
Good. Go on.
I want to be athletic.
And I want to be rich too.
For something that I like doing
that people really like me for.
Great! This is getting
really specific. Let's see:
Big, strong, rich, athletic.
Something you like.
Lots of fans....
-Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
-I hope so.
In the form of a wish?
I wish I could play
professional basketball!
Then I'll just say the magic words:
Dennis Rodman!
Just kidding!
Michael Jordan.
The fans are going nuts here
at the Forum in Los Angeles.
The score, 135 to 85.
Elliot Richards has totally dominated.
If you're just tuning in, you've missed
one of the best shows... the history of sports.
-Absolutely, Jerry. Absolutely.
People say basketball caught fire with
the ascendry of Michael Jordan.
But after what we seen here tonight,
a lot of people are gonna be saying:
" Michael who?"
Right from the get-go, the fans
took a look at Elliot Richards...
...and a few women fainted and a few
fellas, well, liked what they saw.
Absolutely. He's a
big fella and an imposing fella.
He's enormous.
He's listed at 7'6" , but I say...
...he plays like he's 11 feet tall.
I don't think he's that big.
No, I'm saying the game
he plays is....
Is that of some Viking giant...
...with a basketball in one
hand and a club in the other...
...standing 10, 11 , 12 feet tall!
It's obviously Elliot Richards who'll
control this game from the tip-off.
Right from the get-go, Elliot is a
dominating force in tonight's game.
He was " phi-slamma-jamma,"
rubbing stink all over him...
...with rib-tickling jumps of
double vanilla funk.
Let's take a look.
Here's a pass worthy of John Elway.
For the dunk!
Just a beautiful play.
Here he is, lining up for the 3,
and, " Ricola," it's good.
Here's his patented over-the-shoulder,
no-look, three-pointer....
And nothing but net.
Here he is...
...soaring through the air
like a man on a flying trapezius.
Bam! That's what I'm talking about!
Destroying the backboard and the glass!
He's an animal.
Let's take another look.
And boom!
Humpty-hump, dump-dump!
I love this game, folks.
I sure enough do!
Elliot Richards spitting
glass at your ass!
Bob is courtside with
Elliot Richards now. Bob?
Elliot, you must be one
very proud young man this evening.
That was a staggeringly dramatic
display of athletic ability.
You go out there and you give
You hope you play good.
I think we played pretty good tonight.
ln sports terminology, and l
don't mean to sound contrary here...
...the word " good" falls short
of encompassing the virtuosity...
...of your performance.
Well, you know, there's no " l"
in the word " team" ...
...and this is a team effort,
and I want to say I'm proud... be associated with
these fine individuals...
...that I have had the
pleasure of working with.
I would never want to dis your
teammates, but you realize that... smashed WiIt Chamberlain's
record of 100 points in a game...
...set in Hershey, Pennsylvania
many years ago.
Oh, man, you just gotta play one game
at a time and give 1 10% ... gotta show you want it more
than they do when the chips fall.
Thank you very much.
Back to you, Jerry and Dan.
All right!
Number one, yeah!
Alison Gardner.
The sporting News.
It's nice to meet you, ma'am.
God, I can't tell you how
thrilled I am to meet you.
I was wondering if there
was a possibility...
...if you might consider doing
an exclusive with me...
...for the magazine.
You know, maybe more intimate,
Just the two of us.
Yeah, right, I'd kill you one-on-one!
God, it's so exciting to be here.
I mean....
You must have an enormously huge...
...talent to do what you do.
Well, you know, you go out there
and you give 1 10% .
And... hope you play good.
And you want to play good.
We played pretty good.
God, you were incredible tonight.
Watching you...
...I just kept thinking
how unbelievably big your...
...ego must be after a game like that.
Well, not that big, really.
I bet it's pretty big.
Well, it gets a little bit bigger.
It depends on how happy I am!
Want to go back to my place?
I'll show you my bottle cap collection.
Oh, God, that would....
That would be tremendous.
All right! Well....
I should....
I should get dressed.
I can't wait.
Oh, my God!
What the hell?
God, there's this--
Oh, heck!
Oh, God, I remembered there's this...
...teeny, tiny thing to do.
-What's teeny?
-No, no.
-Just something I have to write.
-About me?
Yeah, just a little, short,
itty-bitty blurb...
...about tonight's game.
Well, can I see you
after the road trip?
I would love to, but
I'm working on a really big...
...huge, enormous story on the NFL... I probably won't have time.
Shoot, I understand.
You gotta give 1 10% .
Stay within yourself.
Thanks for your time.
So long.
What the hell!
Oh, damn the Devil!
Damn the Devil to Hell!
Shoot! Darn it!
Where the heck did I put that...?
Now what are you doing?
You seem so upset. Do you want
something to help you relax?
You bet I'm upset. You gave me
this little, teeny-weeny winkie.
Well, that's easily fixed, you know.
Now then, let's see.
There's some M&M's for room 320.
Red Hots for 31 6.
You're giving them candy?
Placebos. They work as well as the
real thing. It's a scientific fact.
You can't give sick people Tic-Tacs.
Sick people have bad breath.
I'm performing a public service here.
Now, about your next wish....
All right, okay.
I want to be smart.
No, I want to be really smart.
I want to be able to talk good.
What's the word?
" Articulate" ?
Yeah, I want to be articulate.
And I want to be witty
and sophisticated.
Charming. I want to know everything
about everything and....
I want to be popular.
I want to be good-looking.
No, make that great-looking!
And I want Alison to fall...
...head-over-heels in love with me.
Anything else?
Like what?
Like winkie-wise?
Oh, right.
Yeah, well....
I want to be big.
Not like practical-joke big, but....
You know, sort of....
Yeah, is that clear?
Crystal. You just say " I wish"
and I'll fill in the rest.
I wish that I was
witty and articulate--
Blah, blah, blah.
You got it, smarty-pants.
Take two of these
and call me in the morning.
Oh! Elliot!
Oh, it is so wonderful
to see you, darling!
New York has been so deadly dull
without you. Where have you been?
Out in the Hamptons, of course.
Up to my ears in my new book.
What, another one? You've written
four books in three years.
-What's this one about?
-Oh, same old, same old.
A deconstruction of the
Neo-Romantic period in art...
...from the perspective of the
Industrial Revolution in France.
I can't imagine who reads this stuff!
Well, Elliot, the critics, apparently.
It's already won the Pulitzer Prize
and it hasn't even been published yet.
Like they say, Dr.--
--a Pulitzer Prize and $3.50
will get you a cafe latte.
So modest.
Darling, you really should get around.
Everyone's dying to see you. Mingle.
Darling, you look fabulous.
Vassily Mishka?
What a charming man.
Who is that?
Oh, that's Elliot Richards.
He's a very successful writer.
He's a very successful everything,
as matter of fact.
That's Elliot Richards?
Oh, I've read all his books.
He's brilliant.
I had no idea he was so handsome.
Why don't you go and talk to him?
-I couldn't. What would I say?
-Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.
Just let him do all the talking.
It's a common misapprehension that the
word " gin" comes from the city Geneva.
But the word " geneva," small " g,"
is a corruption of genievre...
...which is French for "juniper" ...
...the berry that flavors this
miraculous libation.
Speaking of miraculous.
I'm Elliot Richards.
How do you do?
I know who you are.
I'm Alison Gardner.
I just had to tell you how much
I loved your novel...
...AIways Toujours.
I was just trying to make
a simple point, really.
Every time I reread Camus or Sartre,
I kept thinking to myself:
Why does the existential dilemma
have to be so damned bleak?
Yes, we're alone in the universe. Life
is meaningless, death is inevitable.
But is that necessarily so depressing?
I couldn't agree more.
Don't you think
secular humanism is yummy?
Oh, delish.
My, my.
They say alcohol is a disinhibitor,
and it's working very well on me.
Me too.
What an exquisite feeling.
Every cell in my body just...
...wants to reach out
and touch someone.
Yes, it's incredible, isn't it?
The physiology of touch.
Just below your epidermis,
concentrated in your fingertips...
...palms of your hands...
...soles of your feet...
...nipples, penis...
Thousands of tiny little
Meissner's corpuscles...
...all deliciously sensitive
to even the slightest caress...
...sending all those tiny little
...pleasure messages
to the hypothalamus...
...the primitive brain.
I'm tingling all over.
Do you know the largest organ
in the human body?
-I can guess.
-You'd be wrong.
It's your integumentary system.
Your creamy...
...and completely desirable skin.
Can we go to your place?
Oh, this is so perfect!
Everything here absolutely screams...
...Elliot Richards.
Actually, most of the screaming...
...takes place... the bedroom.
What the hell is going on, Mary?
-Who are you?
-Don't play games with me.
I'm in no mood.
I've been out of my mind all night.
-Oh, my God.
-Who's your little friend?
-Maybe I should be running along.
Wait. This is a mistake.
I'm not gay.
Oh, really? And I'm Tony Danza.
-Honestly, I swear it. I'm not.
-Well, then tell me...
...who was in the Broadway cast
of The Pajama Game?
Janis Paige, John Raitt-- I assume
you mean the original cast...
...because there was a revival
in 1973 with Hal Linden--
I am gay!
I rest my case.
Wait. I can prove to you
that I am not gay. lKiss me.
Oh! This is just sad.
Will you shut up, bitch?
Please, Alison, let me kiss you.
Remember the champagne,
the corpuscles?
All right, Elliot, kiss me.
I'm gay.
-Well, thanks for dropping by.
-Good night.
You've been drinking again, haven't
you? This is just like the night... had all those Brandy Alexanders
and ran up and down Fire lsland...
...with your cute little Speedos,
singing " Evergreen" at the top--
And so the cow was returned to
its rightful owner. Okay, boys...
...tonight's homework. Algebra.
Xn + Yn = Zn
You're never gonna use that, are you?
lmperialism and the First World War.
What was done is done.
No point thinking about it now.
German, French, Spanish.
Ja, ja, oui, oui, s, s.
It's nonsense.
Everyone speaks English anyway.
And if they don't, they ought to.
So, no homework tonight.
But I want you to watch a lot of TV,
don't neglect your video games...
...and I'll see you in the morning.
Shall we say 10:00, 10:30?
No point in getting up too early.
Elliot, darling.
What a lovely surprise!
-I hope you had a pleasant evening.
-As if you didn't know.
I'm sorry, darling. I know
it must be frustrating for you.
Maybe I can make it up to you.
Yeah, you've been a really
big help so far.
I know. I've been really
naughty, haven't I?
-A good spanking's in order.
-Is that all you think about?
-Do you think everything is about sex?
-No, of course not.
I mean, there's greed, gluttony,
sloth, anger, vanity, envy.
No, there's also honesty and hard work
and caring about people...
...and doing good for somebody else.
You're just a big Boy Scout,
aren't you?
I find that incredibly appealing.
All I've been doing
is thinking about myself.
I could be doing really important
things to help other people.
What about Alison?
I don't know anymore.
You mess it up anyway.
I know Alison's not really like that.
What exactly do you have in mind?
I want to do something great for
mankind, to help make a better world.
I want to go down in history for
doing something really important.
I want Alison to take me seriously
and treat me with respect.
I sense a wish coming on.
I wish that I was
the president of the United States.
That is the noblest, most unselfish
thing I've ever heard.
And it's a great way to meet girls.
Bless you, Elliot Richards.
And Godspeed.
Mr. President!
Alison Gardner.
We're so honored
to have you here, sir.
No, no, no.
The actors are beside themselves
with excitement.
We're going to a play? You idiot!
I'm Abraham Lincoln.
I get assassinated at a play.
I think you'll find it quite amusing.
It's called Our American Cousin.
I think I've seen this.
I'm sure I have.
I don't think you've seen it.
-It's an entirely new play.
I know how it ends anyway.
-Say, can we just go to a movie?
-A what?
The president.
You seem tense tonight,
Mr. President.
Oh, well, you know,
I've had a lot on my mind...
...what with preserving the Union
and my wife going crazy and all.
Can I help you find something?
Yeah, I'm looking for my pager.
-Your what, sir?
-My pager.
It's this little red plastic thingie.
It looks kind of like a cell phone,
only smaller.
I'm sorry! Sorry!
All right, no problem.
No problem! No problem!
No problem.
You're late.
Yes, sir. I'm very sorry.
It won't happen again.
See that it doesn't.
I don't think a person
with your very limited skills...
...can afford to push the envelope.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
so teII me, how was it?
I'm dying to know.
-What are you doing here?
-Just think of me as a computer virus.
I think of you as a plague.
Now will you get off my screen?
I have work to do.
Whoa, what's this whoIe
''get thee behind me'' thing?
We stiII have business here.
No, not now. I told you,
I've got work to do.
And besides, I've only got
two wishes left.
Correction. You have one wish Ieft.
Nice try.
-I've got two more coming.
-No. Count them, baby.
-You were president.
-Yeah, okay, one.
You were a handsome, articuIate,
ceIebrated author and raconteur.
Yeah, and you turned me
into a flaming homosexual.
-Pro basketbaII pIayer.
-The caring, artistic guy was four.
-The Colombian drug lord was five.
-I have two more.
-You forgot the Big Mac and Coke.
What? That wasn't a wish.
You said, ''I wish,'' and I got it
for you. sounds Iike a wish to me.
No! No, no, no, no.
That's not fair.
Fair? Who do you think
you're taIking to?
I don't recaII anybody accusing me
of being fair before. I'm insuIted.
What? No, this isn't right!
You can't do this!
What are you gonna do? sue me?
No! That's it! I've had it with you!
The whole deal is off.
Shut up!
Are you all right?
Not really.
I need to talk to God.
Well, that's the power of prayer.
Say what's in your heart and He hears.
No, you don't understand.
I really need to talk to Him.
Now. It's urgent.
Is it something you can tell me?
No, it's personal.
There's nothing you could say
that I wouldn't understand.
Why don't you just try me?
I sold my soul to the Devil
for seven wishes.
I've had five of them,
but the Devil says I've had six.
She's counting the Big Mac and Coke.
I don't think that's fair.
Do you?
This is so unnecessary.
-You're coming downtown.
-The Devil gypped me for a burger!
Tell your story to the sergeant.
So do you have a copy
of this contract?
No, I said she keeps it
in her office.
-At this nightclub in Oakland.
-And I can't tell you where it is.
-You promised the Devil you wouldn't?
No, because she drove.
Right. ln a Lamborghini Diablo.
-Look, officer.
I know my rights. I don't have to
talk to you without a lawyer.
So you either book me or let me go.
Oh, gee, are those my choices?
Oh, what do I do, what do I do?
I choose " book you."
Throw him in the lockup.
Arraignment in the morning.
Drunk and disorderly.
-Recommending psychiatric evaluation.
-It's her!
One more word out of you and
I'll pop you one, you whacko bastard.
Move it.
Spread them.
There's no point fighting about this.
You have to learn to accept
the inevitable.
We're all doomed anyway, so you might
as well just get with the program...
...wish your way out of here
and move on.
I wasn't kidding
when I said I liked you.
I do, Elliot. I think you have
massive potential.
If you're looking at
an eternity in Hell...
...let me tell you, it wouldn't hurt
to have a friend like me.
So you just think about that.
Give me a call when you're ready.
She's a devil, that one.
I said, she's a devil, that lady cop.
Yeah, I guess.
What you in for, brother?
That's a long time. You must
have did some really bad shit.
I sold my soul.
-Hope you got something good for it.
-I got nothing for it.
That's a really bad deal,
if you ask me.
Well, I'm not asking you.
Doesn't really matter, though.
-You can't sell your soul anyway.
-Oh, really?
Why do you say that?
It doesn't belong to you
in the first place. No way, no how.
So who does it belong to?
It belongs to God.
That universal spirit that animates
and binds all things in existence.
The Devil gonna try to confuse you.
But that's her gig.
But in the end, you'll see clear
to who and what you are...
...and what you're here to do.
You'll make some mistakes along
the way, everybody does...
...but if you just open up your heart
and open up your mind...'ll get it.
Who are you?
Just a friend, brother.
Just a really good friend.
Hey, baby!
We love you, Elliot!
Elliot, darling.
So nice of you to drop by.
Come into my office.
Oh, don't worry about them.
They're having a fabulous time.
Pathetic, aren't they?
Everybody wants to go to the party,
but nobody wants to pay the piper.
-Are you--?
-Don't get too excited.
It's just a Halloween costume.
Anyway, darling, have you
thought of your last wish?
I hate to rush you,
but there's a time limit.
Read your contract.
I don't want another wish.
That's funny.
Do you think this halo's too much?
No. I really don't want it.
What do you mean, you don't want it?
-You get seven wishes.
-There's nothing I want.
Well, there are things that I want,
but nothing you can give me.
What is that supposed to mean?
Well, last night, when I was lying
in jail, I was talking to this guy...
...and I realized that wishing
just doesn't work.
All my life I wished
to be better looking...
...richer, successful, talented.
I always thought it'd be great...
...if someone could just wave
a magic wand and make that happen.
I realized that
it doesn't work by magic.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
And I've been
starting to think that... really isn't that important
how far we go in life anyway.
It's how we get there
that really matters.
You know, that is so inspiring.
So it's okay?
Well, no, Elliot.
I'm afraid it's not okay.
A deal's a deal. You get
one more wish, and I get your soul.
So let's just get on with it,
shall we?
-I'm not gonna do it.
-Oh, really?
Before you get all hinky,
I should warn you.
I'm not all peaches and cream,
you know.
I do have a darker side.
And believe me, it's not pretty.
Now you can go easy,
or you can go hard...
...but one way or another,
I will get your soul.
I'm not gonna do it. There's nothing
you can say or do that will make me.
Oh, you'll change your mind.
I'll just slip into something a little
more terrifying. See you in hell!
Wait, wait, wait!
Just wait a minute!
Now listen to me,
you disgusting little maggot!
This is your last chance
before the big weenie roast!
Make a wish or forever burn in hell!
Okay! Okay!
I wish....
I wish that Alison has a happy life.
Oh, God.
Is this heaven?
Heaven? God, no,
it's the courthouse.
I'm just meeting a couple of lawyers
for lunch. Clients of mine. Come on.
Wait, what happened to the whole... know, fire...
-...and the big, horny guy with--
-Oh, just a few special effects.
Sort of the Universal Studios
tour of evil.
It normally works pretty well,
but you weren't going for it.
Your last wish
was a deal-breaker.
-Nobody ever reads the contract.
Article 1 47, paragraph 9, section 3:
Selfless acts of redemption.
It says, " If you commit one truly
benevolent act, it voids the contract."
-So I get to keep my soul?
-Yes, you get to keep your soul.
Yes! I get to keep my soul!
On November 16th, I'll have
done this for 6000 years.
You're the first person
to give away a wish.
I hope it's not a trend.
You won't tell anyone?
No, no, I promise. Nope.
I don't get it, though.
I mean, why are you being nice?
Look, Elliot. I'm gonna
let you in on a little secret.
The whole " good and evil" thing--
You know, Him and me.
It really comes down to you.
You don't have to look hard for Heaven
and Hell. They're here on Earth.
You make the choice.
And I guess you just made yours.
-So I can go now?
-Unless you want another seven wishes.
-No, thanks.
-Didn't think so.
I really liked you, you know.
To tell you the truth, you've
been the best friend I've ever had.
-Oh, dear. Don't go gushy on me now.
Go on. Go.
You'll scare the fish away.
Elliot Richards.
We've met a couple times.
Yeah, I remember. Hi, how are you?
I'm great.
I'm exaggerating. I'm good.
We've been working together here
for the last four years...
...and I've always noticed you...
...and thought that you looked
like a very interesting person.
I don't know how interesting I am.
Well, the truth is I don't know you,
and you don't know me.
And if we were to get to know each
other, we just might hit it off.
So I was wondering if you wanted
to go get a cup of coffee or--
That's really so nice of you.
I'm seeing someone.
Well, of course you are.
He's sure one lucky guy.
Listen, if it ever doesn't
work out with him, then....
-That's so nice of you.
-Yeah. Okay.
-Thanks a lot.
-I'll see you around.
-Okay, take care. Bye.
-Go. It's a joke.
-It's only 10 bucks.
-What's he gonna do?
Hey, Elliot, fo-felliot, so-smelliot.
What's up, dudester? Yeah.
What do you say we go down to the club
tonight and pick up some chickette?
Nice talking to you.
-New neighbors?
Guess so.
Hi. You must be the boy next door.
Do you want to give me a hand?
-Hi, I'm Elliot Richards.
-Hey. Nicole DeLarusso.
Don't call me Nicky.
Everyone always calls me Nicky.
It starts as Nicole,
then becomes Nicky, Nick...
...then Ni, then just " Nn."
People just call me " Nn."
I'm cracking myself up.
-You want to give me a hand?
-Yes, I do.
You got the new lngebritzens!
-Yeah, they're the best!
-They're the best!
I'd be happy to hook
these up for you... you could have some music
while you're unpacking.
I could make us dinner,
so you won't have to cook.
Yeah, right. Me, cook.
Thank you.
Say, you wouldn't happen to have
a sister, would you?
No sisters. But I've got
a lot of brothers....