Bedlam in Paradise (1955) Movie Script

He's got galloping hooves of the heart!
My goodness, 'Hoof And Heart Disease'!
That means he's nearing the finish line.
They're going around the first turn,
Shemp is in the lead by a half...
Come on, he's dying and
you're telling jokes.
We should take his temperature.
If we only had a thermometer.
- Here's a thermometer.
- Good.
- Open your mouth, Shemp.
- No, I don't like pills.
Now you go on and heat
him a hot water bag.
Heat a hot water bag?
Ten degrees below
zero. Hey, it can't be!
And what do you think you're doing?
Like you told me, I'm
heating a hot water bottle.
Oh, I see...
Get outta here!
You idiot, you made him
swallow the thermometer!
Now rub his stomach,
maybe he will regurgitate
the broken glass.
It's no use, he's full of glass!
Oh, come close fellas,
I'm gonna kick the bucket.
Oh, no!
I'm going, boys.
Now you behave.
If you don't, I'll
come back a haunt you.
He's sunk, he's gone to the dogs!
Yes... Yes, oh yes, yes... Shemp is not.
Oh, Shemp is!
Miss Jones, bring me the earthly report
of my nephew mister Shemp.
Shemp, there's seems to be some mix up
regarding your elegibility
to enter this portals.
But uncle Mortimer, I...
- Is this what you want, sir?
- Thank you.
I hope you brought your
asbestos suit with you.
Asbestos suit? Gosh, no,
I would need it up here, I...
But your report shows
that you and you cousins,
Moe and Larry, have
been pretty bad boys.
Oh, well, alright, give me a pitch fork
and a red union suit and I'll go.
Fret not, my friend,
we will supply you with everything,
come along with me.
Not so fast, with your devilish whiles,
I haven't released Shemp yet!
Thanks, uncle Mortimer!
Shemp, I will give you one chance
to save yourself from our arch enemy.
You will go back to earth
and reform Moe and Larry,
and if you do, you can
come back here for good.
- If not...
- Wait, wait!
I'll succeed, I'll
reform that Moe and Larry
if it kills me.
What am I saying? I'm already dead.
You realize that they will not be able
to hear you or see you.
They won't hear or see me, hey?
- That's great, just perfect!
- Huh, not so perfect,
for I have Moe and Larry
under my evil influence
and I'll thwart you!
Hello, big boy, my name is Helen.
- Helen what?
- Helen Blazes.
Oh, charmed to know you.
Why don't you come down
and see us sometime?
We have some really hot dances. Dance?
What am I doing?
Beat it, you devils, go to blazes!
They nearly got me, but I'm okay now,
and I'll reform that Moe and Larry!
Board! All aboard!
The Heavenly Express
leaving from Cloud 49,
bound for the Big Dipper, Mars, Venus,
the Earth and Cucamonga! Board!
You better hurry if you
want to catch that train.
I'll catch that train,
but I gotta do something here first.
You see that?
Good bye.
Listen, you old rain cloud,
why don't you look where you're going?
I had the right away!
What's the idea? You
think you're in California?
Gee whiz!
Cut it out, uncle Mortimer!
- Aboard!
- Wait for me!
Etc. etc., and furthermore,
whereas I, Shemp TheStooge,
been in unsound mind,
do here by prove it,
by living all my wordly
possesions to my cousins
Moe and Larry, share and share alike.
This is all of poor
Shemp's wordly goods.
140 dollars, to be divided
equally between you.
Poor Shemp, he left us
all his money... Money!
Let go of that.
Is good thing you hit me with money
- or I'd resent that.
- Quiet!
We gotta divide this
dough up fare and square.
Say, there seems to
be some more in here.
Wait a minute.
Laugh that off!
140 smackers.
That makes 70 bucks for you, Larry.
One... two... three... four...
Say, tell me, how old do you have to be
to collect your old age pension?
- 65.
- 65?
66... 67... 68...
69... 70. There we are.
Hey! Your pile is bigger than mine!
Here's where I start
reforming you, mister.
Why don't you watch what you're doing?
What are you talking about?
You know what we're talking about.
Yeah, you blew the
money right off the desk.
I'll divide it this time.
That's better.
I think you gypped me.
You've been picking on
that little guy long enough.
It's about time you got
a dose of your own medicine.
Oh, a wise guy, hein?
I haven't do nothing!
Why you, I'll...!
- No, wait!
- I'll smash you!
Hey, that's enough of this nonsense,
pay me my fee. I've got a luncheon date.
Oh yes, your fee. How much is it?
150 dollars.
Well, Shemp only left us these 140.
I'll take it.
Are you're sure that it's all you got?
That's our last red cent, mr. Fleecem.
Any other lawyer would
have taken the case for $20.
Oh, it's that's so?
That's what I call easy picking.
Are you telling me.
Well, we'll see you later, chumps.
Don't stay in the office too long.
You mind if we breath?
Dirty crook!
Well, that did it, we're flat broke.
Have you got a dime for car fare?
Say, I had some air mail stamps.
Well, what do you know?
I know you're trying to gyp me again.
Moe, I wasn't trying to gyp you,
I though I had a couple extra...
- Moe.
- Yeah.
You took my money, didn't you?
Yes, sure.
My pocket was empty, wasn't it?
What's this?
Hey, there's something funny
going on around here.
I got it! You know, Shemp said
he was coming back to Earth to haunt us.
Aw, let him come. I ain't
afraid of that fathead.
- Moe, what you hit me for?
- I didn't touch you.
That's what I was afraid of.
Shemp is here! It's him!
His ghost just hit me!
Oh, I'm not afraid of ghosts.
Stand aside, I'll prove it.
Keep your hand in your pockets.
Shemp, if you're around here,
give me a smash on the
chin and convince me.
I'm convinced.
Well, things are looking up!
Well, so far, you boys
have had easy pickins', hey, what?
We certainly have,
you know we made a small fortune
thanks to you.
I must admit that, hey, I did give you
some 'devilsh' good ideas, hey?
Sure thing. Now if we can
only get the De Peyster's
to buy our phony fountain pen invention
for fifty-thousand dollars today,
we'll be on easy street!
Yeah, and when the De Peyster's see
a fountain pen that
writes under whip cream,
they'll fall for it like
the other suckers did.
You know, you've been very kind to us.
Now what can we do for you?
Oh, don't worry,
when the time comes, I'll let you know.
This guy must be in a too
high income tax bracket!
Well, good day, gentlemen!
Good bye, Mr. Heller!
Here's where I really
start reforming you two!
- Well, a toast to easy
money! - Toot-a-lou!
- Skip the gutter!
- Break a leg!
Hey, what's the big idea?
You did it and you're asking me?
I didn't do it!
It was Shemp, he's come
back to haunt us again!
Shemp, if you're really here,
give us a break, will
you? But no tricks!
Oh, no?
Shemp, where are you?
Come out, come out, wherever you are!
Hey, that's the De Peyster's, get ready!
I'll get the invention!
Here is our invention.
Well, I'm dying to be
the first one to see
the fountain pen
writing under whip cream.
Indeed. So am I...
Now, you take the fountain pen
and place it in here.
And put the paper in thusly.
And pour the cream over all.
Now turn the motor on to "low".
It must turn slowly,
otherwise it will overflow.
Now do you care to make our your check
for 50,000 now or later?
This is preposterous! What next?
A towel! I like to have a towel!
Well, that beats the devil!
You and your inventions.
Now you look...!
Uncle Mortimer, it's working out.
I think they'll turn honest.
Help! Help!
I'm burning.
- Want a piece of pie?
- Moe, Larry!
This guy's dreaming again.
Hey, why don't you...?
Larry, he's been smoking the bed again!
Get the water and the axe!
Put me out! I'm burning up!
You nitwit you!
Why you, brainless idiot!
Turn him around, turn
him around, hurry up!
That's it!
Why you, nitwit! Get some more water!
Ok, look out, I'll...!
What a dream!
You know, fellas, I
just dreamt we invented
a fountain pen that
writes under whipped cream.
There's your whipped cream.
And there's a fountain pen.
Write yourself a letter.
Dear uncle Mortimer...