Beer League (2006) Movie Script

And so DeVanzo stands in.
Six foot first baseman
out of Pawtucket.
Fine form on this fellow.
Shot down the line.
That's a frozen rope.
Base hit in anybody's league.
And here's Captain Jeter steps up
to the plate to his usual hip-hop music.
And look at the triceps
on this youngster.
Someone was busy in the Nautilus room
during the off-season.
He'll give the fans a treat
and do a little flexing.
That's right. There're a couple
of actresses on the front row...
that are going out of their minds
right about now.
And sometimes he'll get in there
and just give the fans a treat...
and show them
some of the finer points of hitting.
Absolute perfect ten on this fellow.
Quite a specimen.
385 hitter, 23 ding-dongs.
He's driven in 162 runs.
He's 30 sit-ups away from the body
of a young Willie Mays!
And that's a single up in the middle.
Looked more like a double
play to me, you fat fuck.
What the fuck did you say?
I said softball's
for girls and faggots...
and girl faggots like you.
You piece of shit!
The fat fuck new door
is chasing me again!
Anybody had seen my softball hat?
- Michael?
- Yeah.
- Did you look at these cakes, yet?
- Yeah, yeah. I like that one.
Hey, Marie, Marie, get the hat!
Gina, get the hat!
- You didn't even look?
- Marie, that's not funny!
Okay, you know what?
I'm not being a bitch here.
You're missing
Marie's recital tonight...
and I said we could wait for after the
softball season to go on our honeymoon.
I even let you pick
your scumbag friend Artie as best man.
Sweetheart, listen,
it's the first game of the season.
I just don't want to be late, alright?
I'm with you on the cake.
So I'll look at them later.
You know, I was gonna surprise you...
by making your little
plastic man on the cake...
a Derek Jeter action figure.
But now, no.
I'm making you one of those
Puerto Ricans from the fucking Mets.
Don't even joke like that, Gina!
- I'm coming back tomorrow for tanning.
- You better.
Hey! Mark Vicki Galliotta
down as paid up for this month.
And another dumb slut gets herpes.
Hey! I don't want any of you Italians
drinking out of my water bottle!
Damn Wops.
- Come on, Maz, let's warm up already.
- Don't mess with my pre-game ritual.
Putting on mascara
is not a pre-game ritual.
- Let's go!
- Stop busting my chops, I'm coming.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
What's up, brother?
Check it out.
- My new Italiano mitt.
- That's cool, Alfonse.
How much of a Guido
can you possibly be?
Fuck you, Johnny.
I'll see you out there.
- What's up?
- Starting earlier this year?
Ready for the big day,
opening day, big game?
Maz, we stink every year.
This is not a big game.
- Yes, it is.
- It's not a big game.
Yes, it is. I blew off
my daughter's ballet recital for this.
I've seen your daughter dance.
She sucks.
- No, she doesn't.
- Yeah, she does.
- Which one, ballet or tap?
- It all sucks.
- What's up, boys?
- What's up, Manganelli?
So, Maz, how's the wedding coming?
Are you nervous?
I'm doing okay.
Gina's freaking out a little, but...
My cousin is a good kid,
but she can be a real ball-breaker.
What are you going to do?
All right, listen up.
Anybody who doesn't do a pre-game shout
with me right now is a fucking pussy.
Jerk off!
Did this jerk off
just call me a jerk off?
Come on, let's not ruin another game
with a big fight, all right?
Dad, I'm thirsty.
Can I have some?
No. Go steal that little kid's soda.
Bro, look at yourself.
You're an unemployed drunk...
you play softball in corduroy
and you still live with your mother.
You shave your body hair,
wear Speedos down the short...
and root for the Dallas Cowboys.
Hey, that's America's team, asshole.
Not in Jersey, asshole.
We grew up fifteen minutes
from Giant Stadium...
you're a fucking Cowboys' fan?
You're just jealous.
My softball team won this league
for years in a row...
going on five.
This year you're not getting
that trophy.
Who's going to stop me, you?
In high school,
I was the best baseball player.
You were second best.
I was the best football player.
You were second best.
And, bro, the chicks I got...
were way out of your league.
I did fine.
You fucked skanks.
You're looking at the first guy
to bang Jan Martucci.
Wow, definitely not a skank.
I'm sorry.
- Lisa Riccio.
- Monica Nelson.
- Danielle Battaglia.
- Marisa Salvanto.
- Karen Dever.
- Tina Gardner.
- Karen Dever.
- Pinky Calabr...
You just said Karen Dever.
Well, we did more than once.
Okay, I guess we're done here, bro.
Because you're out of names,
and I got like fifty more.
I see you on the field, loser.
Yeah, go ahead.
Run away, jerk off.
Run away!
Bring it in!
Now coming to bat is Artie DeVanzo.
Last season was a fine one
for DeVanzo, we all know that.
- Come on, Artie.
- He batted. 420 with 45 RBls.
- Come on, Artie.
- Batter up!
He enters todays game...
with a blood alcohol content of 0.16.
If you kids are scoring at home, that's
an impressive mice the legal limit.
- Let's get it go, buddy!
- The DeVanzo shift!
What do you say, Art?
- Let's go, Artie.
- Let's go, Arto. Let's go!
What's this shit, Manganelli?
It's my new defense strategy.
All right side is open for you, Artie.
Go for it, bro.
All right, go the other way
with it, Artie.
He's tying to fool you,
don't be stupid. Come on!
- Come on, Artie!
- Let's go, baby!
Come on now!
So, of course, he pulls it.
Hey, the shift works good, Manganelli.
- Run, Artie, run!
- Artie, run! Run, man!
- Come on, Artie!
- Get it over there!
Nice hustle, Artie.
You're a fat fucking disgrace!
He's a fat guy.
Come on, Dirt.
Start it off, kid. Come on now.
All right, Dirt.
Come on, Dirt.
Lay it in there, baby.
Come on, Dirt. Let's go!
What do you say, Dirt?
You character.
All right, Dirt.
Come on now.
- Shit!
- Jesus Christ!
You disappoint me as much as my kids
for Christ's sake.
Okay, here we go!
Here we go, coming home.
Come on, get it in.
Get it in!
Hit the cut-off man!
Cut-off man!
Cut-off man!
Learn to love him.
- You're killing us!
- The hell are you doing?
One second! I'm having a smoke.
What's up your ass?
- I got it!
- Shit.
Cocky prick!
He's tagging!
No, Dave, don't go!
Hold on!
Come on!
Nice play.
- Good job.
- You're out.
Good job.
Come on, let's see it, Dirt.
Let's see it, Dirt.
Fuck, no pitch.
Hey, Tim, I want to let you know...
I've done a lot of thinking about
that talk we had last year.
I don't even know if you remember.
I remember. When I overheard
you telling that joke at the bar, right?
You know, if we weren't good friends...
I would've handled that
quite differently, right?
Hey, look, just so you know,
I don't even use the "N" word anymore.
Like just now, instead of saying the
actual word, I just say the "N" word.
I appreciate that, Artie.
That's a good start.
Good for you, man.
That's okay, Dave.
Keep swinging.
As a matter of fact,
listen how I tell this joke now.
A priest, a Rabin and a "N" word
walk into a bar...
All right, hold up, hold up, hold up!
Strike three, you're out!
- That was...
- That's three.
Come on!
Let's get these guy!
Let's get these punk!
He's nothing!
He's an asshole!
A cocksucker!
He's a total piece of shit!
You shut up, fatso.
- Hey, watch the name-calling!
- Come on, Dirt. Let's go now!
Pop up!
- You got it!
- You got it!
- Jesus Christ!
- Shit!
I'm not angry.
Just give me the ball.
You son of a bitch!
Come on, guys.
Let's go.
We look like shit.
Come on.
Hey, DeVanzo...
If you're going to ask if you can suck
my left nut the answer is "maybe".
Do you ever think
that if I didn't exist...
your life wouldn't suck so bad?
We grew up the same age,
in the same town, at the same school.
If I wasn't around,
maybe you could've had what I have.
Wait, I forgot.
If I didn't exist,
you'd still be a total fucking jadrool.
Come on! Get it in into second!
Come on! Force at second!
He tripped him, Ump!
He tripped him!
I didn't see it.
- Nice! Way to be!
- Cocksucker!
- Way to be!
- No, no, no!
- Get off of me!
- Come on!
Put his head over here.
Come on!
Don't stretch the shirt.
This guy's such a pussy.
Yeah? I'll La Motta
your face, okay?
Yeah, let's go.
Returning for round two.
Come on, who wants to dance
with me again?
Who's feeling lucky?
You feeling lucky?
You're lucky the cops showed up, okay?
I'm ready.
I'm not tired.
Who's feeling lucky?
Don't eyeball me, tough guy.
When I was in the joint,
I fucked guys bigger than you.
What the hell are we waiting for?
Hey, did Dirt just say
he used to fuck guys?
Never mind that.
We're waiting to find out how much
trouble you got us into this time.
Me? He started it.
Alright. Listen up.
First thing's first.
- DeVanzo?
- Yeah?
You're an asshole.
Now, as far as the fighting goes
between you're two guys' teams...
this bullshit will not continue.
It happens every year...
and it's the first game of the season,
for Christ's sakes.
So, new year...
one of you guys' teams is gonna
have to play in a different league.
Wow, I wonder who you gonna
decide to ask to leave?
I'm not gonna decide, jerk-off.
Dennis Manganelli here suggested
you jerk-offs decide it on the field.
Whichever team does better
stays in the league.
The other team is gone new year.
That sucks?
- You gotta be kidding.
- We are so fucked.
I think we could do it.
All we gotta do is practice.
Practice is for fags.
Hey, are we done here?
Because I'm losing my buzz.
In two fucking seconds,
I'm gonna taser you.
Anybody here who's not an asshole
have a question?
I do.
How come I'm the only one
who's locked up?
Be right with you.
How are we gonna deal with that?
Hey, Linda.
Hey, Artie.
Hey, let me buy you a drink.
No, I can't. I gotta meet my friends
over at Ducky's.
What happened to you?
Oh, this?
I saw three guys mugging
an old lady, so I got involved.
- Really?
- Yeah, she was a tough old broad...
but in the end we got her purse.
Good night, Ed.
Hey, Ed.
Get some beers over here.
Come on.
You like you had
the shit kicked out of you.
Yeah? Imagine how
the other guy looks.
I imagine a guy completely unharmed
with badly bruised knuckles.
Don't you have livers to ruin?
Totally fucked, this man.
Listen, now that the games
mean something, we'll be great.
This is just gonna help us play better.
Hey, Maz, do you think you can use
the fight as a reason...
to disinvite Manganelli
from your wedding?
He's Gina's cousin.
He's gonna be there.
And you're my best man,
so, you're gonna be there.
And I'll have no bullshit
from either of you. I fucking swear.
Hey, I'm not one to start trouble.
Oh, my God, you fat fucking liar.
An insane thing to say.
Hey, Gina.
Tell her you're still single
for six weeks and hang up.
Yeah. Yeah. I've been thinking quite
a bit about he cakes. Yeah.
Man, is he whipped.
All right.
Now, that Maz is gone...
we can talk a little bit
about his bachelor party.
Now, I've lined up five cousin "hoors"
for the event.
One of them is called
"The Pitching Machine".
Now, you're never
in a million fucking years...
ver gonna guess
why she's called that. Go ahead, guess.
She shoots ping pong balls
out of her snatch?
The name gives it away.
Guys, let me ask you a question.
Why do so many diners
have a "happy waitress" special?
None of these waitresses
ever seem happy.
It's true.
They should call it
a "bitchy broad with three kids...
no husband and a shitty
apartment in Linden" special.
Parts of Linden are nice.
Hey, Rhonda.
I didn't mean anything by it.
But not the part I live in.
What do you guys want?
Let me get a bacon,
egg and cheese on a hard roll...
with side order of fries,
cheese and gravy...
and a bowl of gravy on the side.
I'll have the same thing plus pancakes.
- Chocolate milk?
- You know it, honey.
Make it two.
I'll have an egg white omelet
made with very little oil...
Dy wheat toast and grapefruit juice.
Oh, my God.
That's the gayest order I ever heard.
In Massachusetts, that order
could legally Mary a dude.
Here it comes.
Just placing an order like that
gets you kicked out of the army.
If you put a construction helmet on that
order, it could join the Village People.
Would you guys knock it off
so I can do my job?
Thank you.
All right, Maz.
That's an egg white omelet...
Dy wheat toast, grapefruit juice?
That right.
You want a side order
of cock with that?
We got it in fresh.
It's delicious.
- That people from Linden, I tell you...
- Trust me.
- Great point.
- Come on!
So, what should we do now?
It's getting late.
Anyone with a job should go home.
- Good night, Maz.
- Very funny, ball tugger.
Good night, Johnny.
- Hey, I got an idea.
- What?
- Manhattan!
- What?
- No way. Can't do it.
- Come on.
The bars in the city
are open for four more hours.
Holy shit, it's midnight?
I gotta get home.
That's right, I forgot.
If you're home after midnight,
Gina locks up the pussy.
That's not completely true, all right?
Shut up, I'll give you a lift.
Holy shit.
- I'm hungry.
- I'm starving.
Isn't that the chick from the bar?
Oh, yeah!
That's Linda Salvo.
And she looks wasted.
Give me a quarter you fucking bitch.
- Here, whore.
- Fuck you.
I've seen her in this diner
twice before when she was trashed...
and I banged her both times.
Hey, I'm a little tapped.
You got a sawbuck on you?
I usually gotta buy her
a Danish or something.
- All I got is four bucks.
- That'll do it.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Good luck.
Don't need it.
Hey, Linda!
What are you broads up to?
Artie, wake up.
Hey, good morning, Linda.
Artie, I gotta tell you.
That was the worst sex I have ever had.
I'm catching shit from everybody lately.
What was wrong with the sex?
You got all out of breath.
You're like a chubby panda.
And then you finish in twenty seconds
and fell asleep on top of me.
It was fucking horrible!
Jesus Christ, I am so pathetic.
I get drunk and then I wake up
new to God knows what.
My shrink says that I do it
because I think...
it's the only way a guy could like me.
Be honest with me, Artie.
The only reason you like me
is because I fuck you.
Not at all.
I mean, it's awesome.
Look, I really like you.
What do you say, you wanna go out
on a regular date or something?
What? Are you serious?
Yeah, we could go out, grab dinner...
and we don't have to fuck or nothing.
It's very fucking romantic, Artie.
Are you fucking retard?
Well, do you know what they say
about retards...
they have huge cocks
and superhuman strength.
Well, congratulations,
you're definitely not retarded.
Look, what I mean is, we could just hang
out and we don't even have to have sex.
Yeah, right.
You're gonna come to my house...
in your nice date clothes and pick me up
with like flowers and candies?
Flowers, maybe, but every time
I buy a chick candy...
somehow, it never makes
all the way to her house.
Come on! What do you say?
All right, Romeo.
It's a date.
And since I'm guaranteed
no sex on the date...
what do you say we take one
for the team right now?
Artie, I'm gonna be late for work!
Come on!
Come on! An extra twenty seconds
ain't gonna matter. Come on, baby.
All right.
But this time you either gotta put
a rubber on or pull out before you come.
Good morning, Artie.
Ready for breakfast?
Sure, mom.
Hey, this is Linda.
Hello, Linda.
Would you like some breakfast too?
No, thanks.
I'm not hungry.
Can you hand me my jacket, please?
Thank you.
- Bye.
- Goodbye, Linda.
Take care, Lin.
Hey, mom, sorry
if you overheard anything.
- Is that your new girlfriend?
- Why? Do you like her?
I like any girl that likes my Artie.
Although clearly
she's been around the block...
so I would feel better
if you used protection.
Thanks for the advice, mom.
Hey, mom, could you make some
gobblegoo and eggs?
- Come on!
- Hear that! Hear that!
- Get them!
- Over there!
Turn two!
- Get them.
- Come on!
- Safe!
- Shithead!
Come on!
Not today, asshole.
Nice shot.
Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!
Go! Go! Go!
Jeez, you're dogging the tying run!
No, I'm not, I'm standing on the third.
That pile of elephant shit.
- Papa!
- Shit!
You're a retard!
That means your mother
must love blowing retards.
- Hey, fuck you!
- Hey, hey, hey!
It's a friend league!
Man, whoa!
- Stop!
- Fat piece of shit.
We're all friends here, Maz,
do something.
- Play the game.
- Get a sense of humor, pal.
I'm impressed, Artie.
This is a really nice place.
That Zagat dude really knows his shit.
Backed Avedon.
That's me.
- And gnocchi.
- That's me too.
- Thanks, man.
- Alright.
- Take care.
- Thanks.
So where do you work?
At the A&P in Lyndhurst.
This is so odd.
What is?
I mean, we've already slept together
three times, right?
But, I mean, we barely know each other.
I know.
It's fucking hot, right?
No, it's not.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
You work down at the port, right?
I was a longshoreman for nine years,
and then I quit last year.
Haven't had a job in while.
Why did you quit?
Mainly, my dad.
Why'd your dad want you to quit?
Well, it wasn't like that exactly.
You see, he died.
Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Thanks. I mean...
he had a heart attack on the job.
He installed cable TV for a living.
I had to watch him spend every
waking hour doing a job that he hated.
I mean the only time he was happy
was when someone would tip him...
an extra twenty bucks to hook up
Cinemax illegally or something.
You know, I can see
why you quit your job.
See, you don't want to like
spend your life...
doing something that you hated,
just like your father.
You now what? That sounds great, but the
truth is I'm probably just a lazy prick.
You know,
I think you're a cute lazy prick.
But I've been doing all the yapping.
What about you?
You got any stories about your father?
Yeah, I got one.
Once, when I was five years old...
my dad went out to get ice cream
and he never came back.
You serious?
Wow, I'm really sorry.
Don't be, shit happens.
I can't imagine the pain
you must have been in because of that.
But I think I got a way
to make you feel better right now.
Oh, yeah?
Order ice cream for this woman.
Oh, God!
You're a fucking idiot, Artie.
You know, I'm gonna have some too.
Waiter, three orders of ice cream.
Come on! What's up?
Come on, Artie, are you ever serious?
- No, and I tell you why.
- Why?
The only people who get laid
less than funny fat guys...
are serious fat guys.
I feel sorry for those assholes.
Artie, wait.
I thought we weren't gonna
have sex tonight.
I know!
What are you tying to pull here?
Come on, Artie.
Come on, this is important to me.
That's cool. Although for
medical reasons I'll need a hand job.
Come on, I'll be quick.
It'll really help me get to sleep.
I can't mess up this car.
It's a lease.
Hey, I have great aim.
Just let me know where you want it...
ash tray, floor mat, change cup.
All right, listen...
if you're really quick...
I'll give you a blowjob.
But you gotta be quick.
Are you kidding me?
I hear you.
When blowjobs go on too long, it's like
you chicks forget guy's dicks get tired.
Stop with the jokes. I gotta be up
for work early tomorrow...
so concentrate, okay?
I'll be Hugh Fucking Downs.
- Who the fuck is that?
- He was the host of "Concentration".
Just blow me.
I made tiramisu.
You kids want some?
No, mom! Go back inside!
It's in the fridge
if you changed your mind.
Back inside!
Just go! Just...
I am so embarrassed right now.
You're embarrassed?
I just got cock-blocked by my mom.
landscaping is a very strenuous work.
Do you think you can handle it? Because
you're not in the best of your shape.
I'll give it a shot. But you better
give me the name of your dietitian.
DeVanzo! Wake up!
You got one house left.
All right.
Don't tell me is this place.
Hey! DeVanzo?
Hot enough for you?
I think you missed a spot over there.
And another one over there.
- Out!
- Fuck!
Way to be! Way to be!
Dave, looking good up there.
Hey, hey, hey! Don't Ty to kill it
up there, all right?
Just get a nice base hit,
we'll start a rally.
Come on, Maz? A home run ties it.
I'm going for it.
Don't be stupid. No one's hit one out
of here since Dave Della Ferra in 1989.
Why don't you think I can do one too?
Because he bench pressed 400 pounds
and you sweat when you eat.
So did Babe Ruth.
The DeVanzo shift, guys.
Meet the ball, Artie.
Come on.
Hey, Artie, you guys find
a new league to play in yet?
Because one more out, chubs,
and we're 5-O.
You guys are O-5.
Home run coming up.
That would be impressive
after you spent all that energy...
mowing my lawn this afternoon.
I'm actually rooting for you.
Here it comes, Tubby.
And here it goes, prick.
- Damn!
- 5-0!
5-0, baby! Yeah!
DeVanzo, you shithead. Watching you hit
into that double play...
makes me wish I was 35 years younger.
I know, so you could kick my ass.
No, because I could kick your ass
right now...
but 35 years ago, I could have loaned
your parents the money for an abortion.
I can't believe you can joke around
like this when you're about...
to get us kicked out
of the softball league.
Maybe I should take up bowling.
It would be great to play a sport when
there's always a bar three feet away.
So you can get even more drunk
than you do now for softball?
Will you two stop?
We're not out of it yet.
Maz, will you face facts?
We're out of it.
We're not playing softball
in this league...
and you daughter
is an atrocious dancer.
We're not done.
We can still make the playoffs.
Look, I admit that technically
we can still make the playoffs.
Now you admit that
your daughter's dancing is a disgrace.
Fuck you, Johnny.
I'm gonna kill you.
Go for it.
Maybe growing up
with a father in jail...
will help her dance
with just a hint of passion.
- My man.
- You got it.
Man, that was a tough loss.
Yeah, I hate losing
to those fucking Guidos.
Tim, will you watch it with that word?
- What? Guidos?
- Yeah.
Man, you all call each other that
all the time.
Yeah, I know, but it's okay
when we say it.
When you say it, it's racist.
All right, Alfonse.
I respect that.
Wait a minute, I don't respect that.
Guidos aren't a race.
You're a bunch of wiggers
who dress like the Sopranos.
Thank you.
I appreciate you setting up
the bachelor party...
it's just I know you, all right?
No crazy shit. Promise me?
Absolutely not.
Come on, what are you, kidding me?
Eight in the corner.
Hey, Maz, I've been meaning
to ask you a question.
I've been seeing this girl Linda
now for a little while...
and, I don't know,
she's sort of becoming my girlfriend...
and, I tell you what,
I could see things getting serious.
- That's good for you, Art.
- Yeah.
But I'm sort of having
this one problem.
Let me guess...
you're tying to figure out
how to tell her about the herpes.
No, no, she's got it too.
you've found your soul mate.
But the thing is this...
She's what most guys would,
I don't know...
charitably call "used goods".
Not for nothing, Art,
but you're what most girls...
would charitably call
a "stinking piece of shit".
No offense.
I was offended there for a second,
but then you said "no offense"...
so now everything is cool.
the other day I was talking to her
and I was tying to figure out a way...
to ask her how many guys
she's slept with.
Why would you want to know that?
I don't know, why does any guy want
to know? I just want to know.
What I do know is she's been having sex
since she was 15 years old...
so that's 15 years in the league.
she had to put away 25 or 30...
- For what you told me about this girl...
- I know, you're right.
She's gotta be in triple digits.
Anything less, is a lie.
Anything more and I'm gonna pull
my fucking hair out.
It's all part of her past.
Why do you let it bother you?
Will you listen to me?
My suggestion
is just drop the whole thing.
I don't think I can.
All right, fine.
If you're gonna ask her,
you gotta be prepared...
to answer the question yourself.
So what's your number?
Let's see. I used to be better
at keeping track of this.
Seventy three.
Not counting whores.
You're right,
I'll drop the whole thing.
So mowing the lawns almost killed me...
but I was making through the day...
and then the last house turned out
to be that prick Manganelli's.
Oh, no.
And then to top it off, he gets me to
hit into a double play to end the game.
It was just so fucking humiliating.
I'm so sorry, honey.
Let's not talk about that asshole.
You know, to tell you the truth,
all the shit with Manganelli...
and us probably getting kicked out
of the softball league...
it's really not bothering that much.
Why not?
I think it's because of you.
Plus right now this weed
is helping out quite a bit.
You know, my shrink says
you're really good for my self-esteem.
And out of all the guys I dated,
you're the only one she said that about.
Hey, let's fuck!
Artie, I don't want to wake
your mom up.
Come on, don't worry.
My mother went to sleep hours ago.
Artie, I don't know.
Come on! These walls
are completely sound proof.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah! Of course!
- Would I lie to you? Come on!
- No, you wouldn't lie.
You could play drums
in this fucking room.
You could do the solo from Tom Samer
in this fucking room.
Who is Tom Samer?
It's a Rush song.
It's not important.
All right, I'm almost there.
Almost there.
Just about there.
Almost there. Okay.
Not quite yet. Almost there.
Almost there.
Grab my balls!
Pinch my nipples!
Pinch me in the back!
Harder! Harder!
- That was too hard.
- Like this?
That's it! That's perfect.
Artie, wait.
I think the rubber slipped off.
Oh, no!
Nice hit. Nice hit.
Way to go, Alfonse!
Come on, Art!
Drive me in and we win it, buddy!
Get a hit or I'm gonna shove
that bat up your ass.
- Yeah!
- Very good!
That's a nice tattoo.
I didn't realize it was
the Chinese word for Guido.
Actually, this is the Chinese symbol
for "fuck you".
You know, this was great tonight, man.
Getting the first win, huh?
Yeah, was.
Kind of reminds me how
I'm gonna miss playing for this team.
Hey, look, I'm gonna play
with my brother's team out...
in Parsippany new year. You want me
to see if they need an infielder?
No, get to Parsippany is a pain
in the ass twice a week.
You get traffic, Route 46...
Hey, guys,
it ain't over till it's over.
Artie, you know I'm not the one
who want to give up but...
we're 1-5. It's pretty over.
Way over.
Okay, I tell him.
Hey, Art. That was Yogi Berra.
He says it's over.
There's a way to beat
Manganelli's team. We have to...
I know what you are going to say, Art.
We gotta blow out Manganelli's fitness.
Dave, how are things at home?
Not good, man.
I'm holding in a huge piss,
so could you get to the point, shithead?
All right.
We gotta practice.
Aren't you the one that said
practice is for fags?
Yeah, that's when
you wanted to practice.
Look, this is a beer league.
Nobody practices and that can help us.
I've been hitting softballs every day...
and I didn't drink before the game
tonight the first time ever.
I could do that for the whole season.
Look, I'm not saying
it's gonna be easy...
Manganelli's team is gonna win
first place for the regular season.
We're gonna have to scratch and claw
and get into second place...
and then beat them
in the championship game.
But if we start practicing,
I think we gotta a shot.
Fellows, I've been paying softball
for a long time.
This is not the best team
I've ever played on.
But it ain't the worst, either.
So, if we would actually
practice every day...
then, like shithead says,
in this league...
we gotta a shot to win at all.
How about it?
Let's have a toast.
To beat Manganelli!
Toast, my ass! I gotta piss so badly
I could drown a horse.
Talk so fucking much.
All right, that put a damper
on the toast.
What do you say
we just practice tomorrow?
Bounding ball to the grindaloon
at third. He's got it.
All right. We haven't turned
a double play in like three years...
so let's get two.
Come on. Artie is here now.
Let's get two.
Good effort! Good effort!
Way to go! Way to go!
You assholes know
I'm being sarcastic, right?
Come on. Let's get two.
- Damn!
- Ty not to spread your legs...
like a two buck hooker.
Good, Maz!
When you wait it on like that...
you don't have to lunge for the ball.
All right. Way to be.
Now, Johnny, I noticed you've been
dropping your front shoulder.
Wait a minute,
you're telling me how to hit?
Please, I'm batting.687.
It's like telling Ted Williams
how to hit.
Really? I always thought of you
as more like a Pete Rose type.
You know, a shitty gambler
with bad hair.
Hit it!
Jesus Christ! It's like a bunch
of monkeys tying to screw a football.
Nice hit, Tim.
Way to be. Beautiful.
You know, Dave, you might be a lefty.
Let's get two.
Come on!
What the fuck are you doing?
Second base is over there, moron!
Sorry, Johnny. I...
Jesus Christ!
That is just amul.
- I thought I hit that pretty good.
- No, your hitting is fine.
I'm talking about
that disgusting Guido pink shirt.
Go home and change it.
All right, technically,
this is fuchsia.
Out of my sight! Go!
I'm gonna throw up.
- Jesus Christ!
- I'm going to see my brajool.
- Let's get two.
- Come on, fellows.
Come on!
- Yeah!
- All right!
That's what I'm talking about.
Come on now!
Now do that again and prove
that was not just luck.
Let's do this.
Get two now. Two.
Come on now!
- Yeah!
- That's what I'm talking about.
- All right!
- Way to be!
- That's the way to do it.
- Way to be! Way to be!
Come on now, folks!
Come on, good, Guido.
Everybody hits.
- Run, Artie!
- Slow down, asshole.
One hopper, DeVanzo.
He's got it.
- Out!
- Yeah!
Throw to first!
- Out!
- Nice, Art. Way to pick it.
How about it? How about it?
- Good play.
- Nice.
- Way to be.
- Don't get cocky, fucknuts.
All right, let's go.
No stick up here.
No stick? Hey, Crispino,
what's your batting average?
Fuck you, Johnny. Who keeps that
in slow pitch softball?
I'm hitting.687.
Thank you.
Nice shot!
Strike three!
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
Nice catch!
- Look at you!
- All right.
What do you say now? Here we go.
Turn it now. Come on!
I'm on it, Johnny.
.463. Nice.
No carbs. Lobster,
prime rib, those little clams.
Whatever you want.
Want to drive?
- Yeah!
- I don't think so.
What the fuck!?
DeVanzo, you motherfucker!
Way to hit it, man.
Nice shot!
- That's right!
- All right!
- Congratulations!
- Nice shot!
Ten to five, baby!
Ten to five!
Nice shot!
Step right up and shoot the geek.
One hundred shots for five dollars.
Oh, my God! Yeah!
This is getting ugly.
- All right.
- Artie, knock it off!
- Get him in his balls.
- Okay.
Get his balls.
On theses wheels I bet on Mom
every single time.
Because I love my mom, you know?
- That's so cute.
- Thanks.
All right.
Come on, "Mom"!
- Come on, "Mom"!
- Come on! "Mom", what do you say?
Come on, "Mom"!
One time with "Mom".
Just one time.
Come on, motherfucker "Mom"!
Motherfucker! Hit "Mom"!
Motherfucker! Come on, "Mom"!
Fuck! Fuck! Shit!
Cock! Fuck!
Motherfucker! Let's get away
from this crooked fucking game.
It's hard to say
because I totally believe in God...
but I have lots of problems
with the Church.
I don't think I want to be married
in a church...
because I would feel like
a total hypocrite.
I sort of feel the same way, you know.
I'm not religious at all...
but my mother
went to Catholic school...
so, you know, she would really want me
to get married by a priest.
So I thought of this great compromise.
If I ever get married...
it's going to be by a justice of
the peace who's also a child molester.
You're so going to hell for that.
What? Come on!
Five dollars, hotshot!
Where are you going? Knock it out.
You know where you mother is?
She's waiting to pick me up.
Five dollars. Purple monkey.
What's up, slugger? Five bucks.
Yours, baby. Purple monkey.
- Purple monkey, man!
- All right, Artie, you can do it!
Purple monkey, man!
All right, baby.
That's a good start.
Gotta have to settle
for a pink bear, man.
- Pink bear, man!
- Come on, baby.
You got nothing!
- All right.
- Dude!
I got the look.
- This is going to be the one, right?
- Purple monkey!
Because he ain't going to get it today.
Loosing his hair, down on his luck...
perhaps too fat for his age.
He's with a hot chick
who is clearly out of his league.
Forget about it. I don't even want
one of those stupid purple monkeys.
No, on this one, I'm getting you
a prize. I guarantee, all right?
- Okay.
- Here, catch, douche!
Marie, you're a beautiful dancer.
- Johnny!
- Unwatchable.
- Stop it!
- It's amul.
- Lovely.
- No, it's not lovely.
Someone's gotta tell her.
She stinks.
Look, I don't know what Artie
has planned for this bachelor party...
Honey, it's no big deal, all right?
Johnny, you ready?
And I don't want to know,
it's just my father might stop by...
- for a little while.
- I know.
And if he does,
would you please show some respect?
Don't worry about nothing.
I'll bring him back in one piece.
- You see?
- Come on.
All right, honey, I'll see you later.
All right, let's go.
Gina, relax.
They all have bachelor parties.
It's no big deal.
Marie, stay away from the street,
sweetheart. Just dance on the lawn.
Marilyn, it's not the bachelor party
that I'm worried about, you know...
it's just I can't relax when I know
he's going out with fuckhead.
You mean Artie?
Did you know that at
Carol Monteverdi's wedding...
he got drunk and he punched
the deejay in the face...
because the guy wouldn't play
"Rock Me, Amadeus"?
Well, we Al know
he's kind of pathetic...
but I like Artie, and I don't think
he's quite so obnoxious any more.
The 2-2 pitch to Birkenstock.
Down the line!
He may have it!
It's got the foul pole!
Home run!
Nice shot.
Hey, no!
Scavooch, what the fuck?
And the crowd is going crazy
here at Bush Stadium.
And DeVanzo is looking to lace
one back through the hole.
A little chin music.
And he may charge the round.
That's okay, it's cool. If I have to,
I'll snort the fucking rag.
- Tone that spitter, honey.
- Come on, let's take a look at that.
You got to have that.
Wait, you almost fucked us up
over here.
- Dude, you got to catch that.
- I'm not catching that shit.
- He's got his own stick.
- This is going to be a good one.
Pete LeCock!
- Salud.
- Drink this.
- Salud!
- Salud more!
- You're tying to kill me here.
- Come on, one more. I love you.
- Fuck, cops.
- Shit!
What the fuck is going on in here?
Everybody freeze.
- Shit!
- Hey, you son of a bitch!
Hey, look at him.
Hey, relax, guys.
This is my cousin Mickey.
He's a Boston cop.
Scared the shit out of you all Derek
Jeter-loving motherfuckers, didn't I?
Hey, man, have a drink.
Have some fun.
- Sure, Maz.
- Thanks for coming.
Hey, black man.
Hook me up with some coke, will you?
Want a slice there, Pitching Machine?
No, I don't eat dairy.
The Pitching Machine doesn't eat dairy.
A lot of rules.
Fuck you, ho.
You ain't taking money out of my pocket.
Fuck you, bitch.
I saw him first.
You're the one taking money
out of my pocket.
Come on, ladies.
Neither if you even have pockets.
Honey, your prices are outrageous.
I remember when a man could get
his cock clean for five bucks.
I'll clean your cock for five bucks,
but a blowjob is still fifty.
Let me call my wife.
Hey, there he is.
- Dennis.
- How do you feel?
Did you come in a convertible?
Don't be jealous.
- Get a drink.
- All right.
Have a good time.
It's your last chance.
Hey, Ed, what is
the "Elect Zinna" bullshit?
Fucking bitch.
What happened to you?
While I was getting a blowjob the other
whore punched my whore in the mouth.
You better ice that shit, money.
Hey, thanks so much
for putting this together.
I'm having a fucking great time.
Don't worry about it, brother.
Hey, listen, Manganelli just showed up.
Yeah, I saw him.
No fight, please.
I promise!
Listen, Maz, I'm in a very
different place right now.
- I really don't care about Manganelli.
- That's what I want to hear.
- All right?
- That's great, Artie.
Okay, now, all hoors front and center!
Time to rape the bachelor! Come on!
I'm not doing it!
I'm not doing it!
- I'm not doing it!
- Tough shit. You're doing it!
- Have at him, ladies.
- You're a liar, you motherfucker.
No! Please!
Maz is getting his pipes cleaned.
Hang in there, Maz.
Maz, you're down for the count, bro.
Jesus Christ.
Artie? Artie? Artie?
Hey, I'm a little busy right now.
I thought you said
you're not gonna do coke anymore.
Bachelor parties don't count.
Asshole, it's Gina's father.
I would rather not be naked
in front of my friends right now.
Shit. He looks pissed.
I was hoping he'd be cool.
You know, like your father was
in your bachelor party.
Yeah, he was the best.
I can't believe I walked in on him
getting a hummer.
Hey, this dude looks like he's going
to freak out. I better go talk to him.
I'm supposed to go to confession
new week.
Cheap shit.
I don't know if you guys know this,
but I'm getting married very soon.
Hello, sir.
No, please!
I have a child.
I have a five-year-old.
Boy, Maz has a big cock.
I'm going to kill you,
you motherfucker!
He's got no respect for his elders.
Get off him!
What the fuck is the matter
with you? Get off him!
Hey, thanks for letting me
do bumps with you.
You want that blowjob now?
No, I'm good.
That's a first.
She must be pretty special.
Yeah, she is.
Take care.
Art, Maz is pissing all over himself
behind the bar.
Well, it's not a bachelor party
unless somebody pisses his pants.
Actually, he managed
to get it out of his pants.
Look, Maz, I know I owe you
for that time you helped me out...
when I shit my pants on Mardi Gras,
but now we're even, man.
Wow! How much did you drink,
Jesus Christ, Maz!
All right, it looks like the well
is running Dy finally.
Now, if you could just get your dick
back to your pants on your own...
everything will be fine, all right, man?
Hey, DeVanzo.
I know why you're here,
but I'm not letting you blow Maz.
Of course not.
That's your job, you son of a bitch.
In case you haven't notice,
the party is over. Get out.
All right, I'm going.
Say hi to Linda for me.
Linda Salvo, your girlfriend.
She didn't tell you
she used to go to my gym?
Yeah. Cute girl.
She earned quite a few free
membership months in my office...
if you know what I mean.
Anyway, say hi to her for me.
Hey, honey.
You look like you haven't slept a wink.
I taped the Yankee game for you.
So, were you naughty
at the bachelor party?
Actually, I wasn't.
Linda, I have something important
I want to ask you.
Really? What is it?
Did you fuck Manganelli?
Just answer the question, please.
Look, I don't want to talk
about this, okay?
I just... No matter what you think,
it's not important.
Could you just answer
the fucking question, please?
All right.
The answer is yes.
How could you?
Artie, it was over two years ago!
Right, and I had to hear about it from
him. Why couldn't you tell me yourself?
How could I? You're completely
consumed with this guy.
You're finally just starting
to get over it.
Look, I don't think about this jerk...
and I don't want you to think
about him either. All right?
I just want us to be happy like we are.
Come on.
This is too fucked up.
I don't think I can handle it.
What do you mean you don't think
you can handle it?
You want to break up over this?
You know what?
Yeah, I do.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Over something that happened
years before I met you?
You feel bad so now you want
to make me feel bad too, right?
God, you're just...
You're not a man!
You're a fucking little bitch.
God, you're fucking unbelievable!
I could fucking kill you!
Damn Yankees fuck ass!
Nasty loser ass!
Take your stinking loser jersey too!
Fat fuck! Fucking asshole!
Can I get some more fries here, Rhonda?
You know, women who date fat guys
are often mentally unstable.
Yeah, it's true.
They call them "chubby chasers".
- Rhonda, I'm still here.
- One order of fries coming up.
Asshole! Asshole!
I'm telling you,
this chick is good for Artie.
- I got my own problems.
- Thanks for the free bat, asshole.
Hey, Art, you know what?
You can't hold this on this chick now.
I mean I know it's a pain in the ass
to deal with it...
I can't deal with it. It's over.
This is the first chick
you've ever been serious about.
Come on, you finally met a broad
who doesn't care about your drinking...
or the fact you're 35 years old
and you still live with your mom.
And she doesn't mind that a man with
your weight should be about 6'2".
Plus you factor
in the herpes thing and...
Me and her are through.
So now who are you going to take
to my wedding...
if there is one?
What do you mean if there still is one?
You know, Art, I asked you not to let
things get crazy at the bachelor party.
Now I got to be worried, you know?
I'm afraid Gina's father is going
to tell her what went on there.
No, he's not.
Yeah, how do you know?
He's not going to break
the bachelor party code.
No man tells a woman what goes on
at a bachelor party.
So what happened
at Michael's bachelor party?
So what went on
at Maz's bachelor party?
So what went on at the bachelor party?
Nothing, baby.
We've been married for 43 years and
you still won't tell me what goes on...
at one bachelor party?
Fuck off.
No, I'm going to be honest with Gina.
I'll feel better
if I just tell her what happened.
- Are you fucking insane?
- No, no, no, asshole!
Every once in a while, some moronic
pussy does spill the beans...
and it's always a disaster.
Forgive me!
Please, don't go!
I'll die without you!
Get away from me,
you whore-lover.
You said you watched porno so you
wouldn't have to do things like that.
Look, I wish I hadn't done it...
but I'm insecure and it feels like
it's going to fall off.
If it doesn't, give me a call
and I'll come back and I'll cut it off!
Cut what off, mommy?
- I know. I know.
- Here he comes, here it goes.
It's a perfect day for softball
here at the stadium.
55 thousand on hand for Johnny Trinno.
Bobblehead Day here.
I mean it's a great day for the kids.
All fans 16 and under will get one.
And can Johnny go
for the.700 batting average?
- Do you ever shut the fuck up?
- No, I don't.
- Nice one, baby!
- Go, Johnny!
- Come on, Artie.
- Big stick, Artie.
Would you look at Artie.
You know, he really thinks who he is.
Fucking best man at my wedding.
And he better behave.
Gina, you've got to stop.
Stop worrying.
- Marilyn, stop worrying?
- Yeah.
Did you know that
at Donna Delvecchio's wedding...
he pissed in the centerpieces
and got the priest high?
Oscar Gamble stile, baby.
Way to go, fuckhead.
Yes, Artie!
Way to go, Artie.
I knew you could do it, pal.
We did it!
So back during
college basketball season...
my buddy Scheky tells me
he's got this system.
He says it's an absolute lock
when you have this combination, right?
Big East team on the road...
give them less than six points
with a white point guard, all right?
So I bet St. John's against Duke
and I lose big...
I mean, really big, right?
So I said to Scheky,
I go, "Look, man...
the only time a white point guard
is a good thing...
is when your sister tells you
she's dating a point guard."
Hey, Tim, I didn't see you there, man.
That's a funny joke, man.
You like that joke?
Yeah, what's not to like about it?
It's about how you guys suck
at basketball...
and how good we fuck your women.
I never thought about it like that.
- We got a better lineup than they got.
- Totally.
That's why they slacked off
the second half.
He got the champagne...
- Hey, guys!
- Hey!
- What's up? How you doing?
- Hey, Art, listen to this.
Carino Autobody lost to
Muchugrasso Overhead Doors...
so now we're tied for second
with Carino.
- Hey, our last game is against Carino!
- That's right.
It's going to come down
to the last day here.
Does Ed's Bar and Swill win the right to
face Manganelli in the championship...
and save the team?
Or perhaps even more dramatic...
does Joking Johnny Trinno
Asshole, will you forget about
your batting average for one second?
We gotta beat that prick Manganelli.
Artie, what exactly do you have
against my cousin?
Well, number one, he's a prick.
Number two, he's a cock.
Number three, he's a dick.
Congratulations, you know
three different words for "penis".
Four, now that you taught me "penis".
All right, guys, relax, okay?
Does anybody need a drink?
- Everybody be nice.
- All right, let's change the subject.
Artie, are you bringing Linda to the
wedding or are you guys still broken up?
No, we're broken up for good.
You know, Gina actually offered
to set you up with one of her cousins.
Hey, great! I heard your cousin
Manganelli gives a mean blowjob.
You know what, Artie?
You sit on this and rotate.
Gina, your flirting is making everyone
at the table uncomfortable.
Come on, Art, take it down a notch.
She's just tying to help you.
Hey, I'm not some loser
who can't get a...
Wait, you're not talking about
your cousin Tracy with the tits?
No, Tracy's married now, thank you.
Hey, I'm not some loser who can't get
a date! I'm doing just fine on my own.
Hello, is Karen Denver there?
Karen? It's Artie DeVanzo!
Yeah, Artie, from Union High!
That's right, we haven't spoken
since I took you to the prom.
That's right, I did call you
from jail after.
Well, listen, I was just sitting
in the office here...
and I was wondering...
Do you remember my friend Maz?
Yeah, well, he's getting married
this weekend...
and I was wondering
if you wanted to go with me.
Yeah, I was remembering
all the fun times we used to have.
What do you mean "what fun"?
By my count, we banged
at least 26 times. Hello?
No kidding, Gigi.
You're strictly into chicks now?
Hey, did I have something
to do with that?
I did?
So then you got divorced
from that guy too?
Boy, Brenda, you really know
how to pick them.
I'm just teasing you.
Yeah, yeah, thanks.
It's really great to talk to you too.
I'm so glad that nerd at the library
taught me how to Google.
Listen, let me tell you
why I'm calling...
You know already? Really?
Right, I did tell you I'd pay you back
that 200 bucks I borrowed from you...
no matter how long it took.
Hi, this is Linda.
I can't come to the phone right now,
so, please, leave me a message.
Hey, it's Artie.
I know we haven't talked in awhile,
so this is kind of awkward...
Look, everything was my fault.
I know I get crazy sometimes
you know and...
I don't know, listen...
I'm going to stop talking into your
machine before this gets embarrassing.
Give me a call if you get a chance.
But I miss you.
I miss you a lot.
So, you're going to call him?
I don't know.
I mean I still really care about Artie,
but he really hurt me.
Either way, keep this quiet,
because it was a big mistake.
Why? Because I'm black?
No, because you're fucking married!
All right, my bad.
What do you say now, Dave?
Hang in there.
- Hang in there.
- Land her, baby.
Nice and easy. Nice and easy.
Bring the ball. Come on, Dave.
Run him on now.
Come on!
Strike three!
Oh, my God! I can't wait
to go home and get high!
Holy shit.
Some of the greats strike out, Dave.
That's right, striking out in slow pitch
softball is nothing to be ashamed of.
All right, Johnny.
All right, Johnny!
It's all you, baby!
Bring me in.
Two outs here in the last inning,
with the winning run on second.
Who would you want up more
than Johnny Trinno?
It's been a magical year for Johnny...
as he comes to the last game
with a.699 average.
All right, come on, it's getting dark.
Yet Trinno's star shines
as bright as ever.
Nice hit, Johnny!
That's it.
Come on, Maz, go!
Screw your slide!
Go, come on, slide, slide!
Your slide! Head for a slide!
Head for a slide!
What did you slide for?
They didn't even throw the ball.
Why the hell did you tell me to slide?
I was just fucking with you.
We're in the championship!
Listen, Johnny, I don't have a date
for the wedding yet.
What? I thought you took care of that.
The wedding is this afternoon.
I know, I struck out all over the place.
Hey, do you think Marilyn...
could get one of her friends
to go with me last minute?
Look, Art, Marilyn's female friends are
all lawyers, bankers and executives...
So what are you saying,
that they're too good for me?
No, no, I was tying to let
the silence say it for me.
Artie, even if Marilyn could help you,
it's too late.
Nobody cares if you have a date.
Just come by yourself.
I can't do that, Johnny.
That's all right, man.
I still got one chick left
I could call.
It's almost time to get it started.
Where the hell is Artie?
I just called the house. His mom said
some girl came and picked him up.
What the...?
I don't believe this shit!
Look, Johnny, if this scumbag
isn't here in five minutes...
we start without him.
You step in as best man.
Yes, sir.
That's so sad that you
and your girlfriend broke up.
You're such a sweetie.
Here. You want a bump
to cheer you up?
No, that's all right.
Maybe later.
You know you just flew through
a stop sign, right?
Who are you to talk, silly?
You don't even have a driver's license.
Well, at least we're making good time.
All right, the church is like
two minutes from here...
so, just go straight, but slow down.
Slow down! Slow down!
Pitching Machine, look out!
I saved us!
Yeah, you're a real hero.
Come on, let's go.
Wait, let me powder my nose.
Fuck me.
Hey, DeVanzo, you're free to go.
Hey, what time is it?
Five a.m..
- Look, I know I messed up.
- Messed up...
All right, screwed up.
Fucked up!
- I really am sorry.
- Stop, all right? Don't even...
We've been friends for 30 years.
You're my best man.
How could you miss my wedding?
What the hell is the matter with you?
Man, I'm sorry.
Well, I'm not. At least the fucking
Pitching Machine...
didn't end up on my wedding.
Look, I don't know how many times
I have to say this...
but I really am sorry!
You know, those words,
they have no meaning coming from you...
all right?
They're shit.
I've had enough of your "I'm sorrys"
to last my lifetime.
"I'm sorry I missed your wedding."
I'm sorry I started
that fight with Manganelli.
I'm sorry I got drunk and stole
your dad's ice cream truck."
I mean I could go on...
Wait, the ice cream truck thing
I was 12 years old.
Yeah, and you haven't changed a bit!
You selfish prick! You even manage
to make my wedding about you.
Obviously you don't want to be around me
and don't blame you.
I'm going to quit the team.
Team? What team?
We're going to lose the championship and
then the team's over because of you...
so don't go fucking talking to me
about the team, all right?
- What the fuck?
- What...
- Hey, it's Dirt!
- Dirt!
- Johnny.
- Man, hurry up! Call an ambulance.
Dirt? Dirt?
We need an ambulance
here at the Tamblin Field.
- Shit, Dirt.
- Hang on, we're getting help.
- I can't believe you really did it.
- He always said that's what he wanted.
I want to go out just like that.
Gentlemen, later today
we're playing for the championship...
and for the survival of
Ed's Bar and Swill softball team.
But right now I want to do a toast...
to a fallen friend
and a teammate, Dirt...
the greatest softball pitcher
of all time.
To Dirt.
- Dirt.
- Dirt.
Hey, Ed, what do you say?
Set up some more.
To be honest, if Dirt hasn't died...
I wouldn't even be talking
to you right now...
but I still don't want
our friendship to end, all right?
Me neither, man.
Look, Maz, this ain't a good excuse...
but I just couldn't show up
to your wedding...
in front of fucking Manganelli
without a date.
It would have been too humiliating
after that thing with Linda.
Artie, don't let that prick get to you.
That's what fucks everything up.
That's when you become the asshole.
I want to beat him in softball too.
And ends there.
You can't let that guy ruin
your whole freaking life.
I know, I know.
You're right, man. You're right.
I mean, you got to let it go.
And if he doesn't, you should.
Fuck it.
I'm just going to let it go.
I'm done worrying about
Dennis Manganelli.
All right.
Thanks for talking to me
like this, man.
You'd do the same thing for me,
you know?
No, I would have went behind your back
telling everyone what a dick you were.
Hey, lovebirds...
sorry to interrupt your little date
over there...
but we're toasting Dirt.
Your shots are accumulating.
All right, all right, we're coming.
Not to much drinking. We got
a championship game in two hours.
I know.
Let's just drink one toast to Dirt.
To the greatest rock and roll band
of all time...
Molly Hatchett.
Fucking all right.
I'm going to place this perfectly.
Ed, another round of tequila.
You guys finished all my tequila.
Dave drank the last bottle by himself.
Last night I had a dream that I killed
every single one of you guys.
Relax, Dave. Hey!
Easy, Dave. Come on!
Hey, what time is it?
Holy shit, its almost game time.
We got to go.
Everybody got their bats and gloves
in their trunk, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, just got to go home
and get my uniform.
- Yeah, me too.
- We ain't got time.
If we're two seconds late, Manganelli's
going to call for a forfeit.
We got to go straight to the field.
- One more drink and then we'll go.
- No, no, we got to leave right now.
Come on.
You riding with me, Art?
Thanks, man.
Let's go, everybody!
Come on, let's go!
I can't let nine guys
drive out of here drunk.
Well, I'm riding with Maz,
so it's really just eight.
- Come on, I'm fine.
- We do it every weekend.
I can't let you guys
drive out of here all shimmed up.
Well, then you have to drive all of us.
Open the door before I shove
that stupid fucking cooler up your ass.
Get the fuck out!
Get the fuck out!
What the fuck?
Let's move!
Man, both my legs are asleep.
Both my balls are asleep.
I don't want to hear about your balls.
Hail May, full of grace...
Don't pray like that, all right?
God hates Guidos.
It looks like the circus with all
the clowns coming out of the car.
Where's Dave?
Did we forget Dave?
Anybody bring any weed?
I left mine at the funeral home.
Play ball!
Oh, Christ.
I'm going to fucking die out here.
I'm fucked up, bro.
Bourbon and tequila?
Come on, Art.
All right, let's look intelligent!
Look alive.
Get ready to lose!
And here comes DeVanzo.
He's a sandy-haried,
big beautiful young man...
with excellent bone structure.
The pussy he must get on the road.
Hey, look.
Drunk rookie pitcher on the mound.
We're going to destroy you.
You've never even pitched before.
No, but if you would do it,
it can't be that hard, bro.
Come on.
DeVanzo wheels, deals,
rocks, kicks the up ring.
What the fuck are we doing here?
- You have done that before, haven't you?
- Shut up!
I'm still going to strike you out.
Art! Art!
Don't let him get to you.
Come on.
Well. Well.
Ball four.
Take you base.
Yeah, I got a feeling
he will be saying that a lot today.
Come on, Art.
Shit, it's going to be
a long game, bro.
All right, don't worry, don't worry.
He'll settle in.
Hey, Art.
Come on, Art.
Come on, Artie, focus.
Come on.
Yeah! Double play!
Yeah! Come on, Johnny.
Get it! Get it!
Shit! Shit!
This is the longest day
of your life, Artie.
Run! Run!
Home! Home!
Run, Dennis! Run!
Oh, God.
I'm good.
Come on, Dennis.
Come on, Dennis.
You're out!
And who's got a Percoset?
All right, here we go!
All right. That's me, right at!
Fucking asshole.
You're out!
Barfly rules!
Come on, Bobby.
Place it.
God, I'm glad Dirt
ain't around to see this.
You're out!
You're out.
Thought the tank was empty.
- They keep doing this to themselves.
- I know. Here you go.
- Here you go, guys, coffee.
- Help yourselves.
Thanks a lot.
Jimmy needed this.
Yeah, coffee.
- Hi, baby.
- Hey.
You smell like booze.
- It gets you hot, though.
- Actually, it does.
Thanks for the coffee, honey.
10-O. They're killing us.
Last at bat.
I'm sorry.
- Hey, Gina.
- Hey, Artie.
I'm really sorry about missing
your wedding.
Listen, don't worry about it.
You not showing up
was the best gift I got.
The only disaster was Johnny's toast.
He said it went great.
So to recap, throughout it all there's
been a lot of laughter and a few tears.
But in the end, the clouds parted,
the sun shined down...
and the good Lord himself
decided it was meant to be.
That's how I finished
the regular season batting.706.
What do we say, Dennis?
Come on, Dennis.
We're right behind you.
Damn, now bourbon, tequila and coffee.
Two away!
DeVanzo shift!
Well, you're down 10-O...
and you're going to make
your team's last out ever.
How's that feel, alcoholic?
Hurry up and pitch, asshole.
I'm losing my buzz.
What do you say, Artie?
What do you say?
Hey, Artie?
Come here.
Hey, Linda.
Hey, sweetie.
How's it going? What's up?
Artie, you're a fucking jerk.
I know.
Unfortunately, that seems to be
my go-to move.
But I really miss you.
I miss you too.
You want to talk after the game?
Let's talk now
and make this jerk-offs wait.
Hey, Linda?
I'll meet you in my office
at the gym after the game.
Shut the fuck up, Needle Dick!
And thanks for the herpes!
- Ball bag.
- What an asshole.
- Asshole.
- Jerk-off.
This town is 980/o skanks.
That's my girl.
Let's go. Batter up!
- I'll see you after the game, all right?
- Okay.
- Come on.
- Come on!
Get the fuck in, you lazy fuck.
Classy broad you got there, bro.
Thanks, Needle Dick.
Put it up there, Dennis.
He can't hit it.
- Come on.
- Here we go. Here we go.
- Yeah. Get out.
- Come on!
- Yeah!
- What?
Hell of a shot, bro!
Son of a bitch, motherfucker,
bastard, asshole!
Nice shot, Artie.
Hey, you assholes knock that off...
or I'm revoking your gym memberships!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Nice shot!
- That's right!
At least you got some revenge
on that prick Manganelli...
even if we're not going to win.
What the fuck are you talking about?
We're going to win.
Art, it's 10-1.
We're down to our last out.
I don't give a fuck.
Anyone who thinks we're going to lose
can go home right now!
Hey, calm down, will you?
Would Dirt calm down if he were here?
No. After my homer he would have
thrown a bat at my head...
for not running
around the bases harder.
Now this is the last inning. Let's get
some runs and take that fucking troll!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Come on now!
Nice! Nice going, Maz!
Run, you motherfucker!
Nice! Nice!
All right.
Come on, Dave.
What do you say?
Come on, Dave.
Let's go.
- Come on, bring it!
- Yeah, that's right.
Yeah! Yeah!
Holy shit, Dave got a hit.
Holy living Christ.
Lucky shot.
Come on, Albert.
Come on!
- Shit!
- Cocksucker!
Now we're looking like a team!
Stay on the bag, Dave.
Come on, guys. Keep it going.
Let's go! Come on!
Come on, Daryl.
Nice swing.
Run, Dave, come on!
It's a gapper!
It's a gapper, come on!
Yes! Get me a beer, somebody,
come on!
You're up, you're up, you're up.
Yeah! Yeah!
What do you say, Dave?
Nice! Like a gazelle, buddy!
Like a gazelle running out there.
What do you say, Alfonse?
Come on, one time!
We need you, buddy!
Nice, Alphonse!
Run, you sweaty Guido!
Run! Come on!
Tim, get out there.
Come on, we need you, buddy.
Run, run!
Do this, you sweaty...
Sweet! Sweet! Run!
Run, you crazy motherfucker!
Run, come on!
There you go, man!
One time, Johnny.
Hey, Manganelli,
you're looking good, shitnuts.
We're rocking you, you pansy ass.
It's so unfair.
It's like pitching
to a healthy Lou Gehrig.
Let's go! Get it in here!
DeVanzo shift.
We're one out away
from the championship.
Force at any base.
One more bum and they're done.
You pricks stay awake out there,
God damn it.
Don't worry about the shift, Art.
We're down 10-6.
Just put it over the wall,
we tie it up. Let's go!
Come on, Artie!
Give it a ride, brother. Come on!
Come on, big stick up there, Artie.
Let's go!
You can beat this guy.
He fucking blows.
Your attention, please.
Ladies and gentlemen...
now pitching for Manganelli...
number one, Needle Dick.
- Number one.
- Yeah, all right.
Needle Dick.
Shut the fuck up!
Your luck's run out, DeVanzo.
This is your last at bat
in this league forever!
I'm going to have to remodel
the window of my gym...
to fit that fifth trophy,
but fuck it, right?
Let's go!
For the last time,
you're not getting that trophy.
Come on, hit it out, baby!
Come on, hit it out, fuckhead!
Prepare to continue you lifetime
losing streak, jerk-off.
Bring it on.
Stay cool, Artie.
Stay cool.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Come on, Dennis.
Let's go.
Come on, show what you can do.
Get the ball!
Hurry. Come on!
Come on, run!
Hurry! Let's go! Run!
Get the fucking ball!
Artie, run! Run!
Come on, throw it!
Home! Home!
Come on, Artie.
Get it!
Score, Artie, score!
You're going to score!
- Dive!
- Dive!
- Dive!
- Dive!
- Dive!
- Dive!
You're out!
Yeah, you're the one, baby!
Hey, you all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.
It was a hell of a game.
Good hustle.
Great shit.
Hey, guys, this can't be our last game.
Let's go play in Parsippany new year.
- I'm in.
- Yeah!
- Me too, man.
- Let's do it.
You know what?
Fuck it. You're right.
We got to play again new year.
I'm in! I'm in!
Let's go get drunk.
That sounds great, but there's
one thing I gotta do first.
Hey, Linda, pull the car around.
Okay, Artie.
My dear Lord.
- We did it!
- We won!
- We're the best!
- Hurray!
Get a photographer over here!
Take a picture of the champs.
Yeah, let's get a photogra...
Get that fat fuck!
Artie, what the fuck are you doing?
DeVanzo, you're dead this time!
Let's go, Linda.
I want that piece of shit killed.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Go. See you at the gym, fellows!
Come back here, you fucking loser.
That was the greatest
asshole move ever.
God help DeVanzo
when I get my hands on him.
Hey! Hey, kid!
What the hell do you think
you're doing?
Just updating your photo, Mayor Herpes.
- Shit!
- Come back here, you little brat!
Help! This maniac
is tying to give me fucking herpes.
Come back here, you wise-ass.
I told that prick
he wasn't get that trophy.
You're such a pisser, Artie.
What are you going to do
with that crazy thing?
You know what?
Drive over Manganelli's gym.
I'll put a note on the trophy
saying I'm sorry...
and then I'll throw it
through his front fucking window.
God, Artie, please, don't do that.
I was just kidding.
Hey, let's pawn it in Newark...
then go down the shore
and get cheese sticks.
- Count me in.
- All right.
Excuse me. Hi.
I'm sorry.
Do you know what time it is?
Do you know what time it is?
- I guess I do.
- Yes.
Those are really pretty
colorful shoes you got there.
And they show off your colorful nails.
Hey, do you like music?
Who doesn't like music?
That's true.
Do you like rock music?
I could take it or leave it.
Because my friend band,
I know the guitar from this band...
and they're playing later.
I think I can get you
on the guest list.
And we could split
the other ticket or...
Hey, beat it, dirtbag.
Get lost.
Did you want to go?
What the fuck?
Get lost.
- Jesus.
- Jesus Christ.
I'm gone for like two minutes
and they're like vultures.
Two minutes?
You're gone for 20 minutes.
The line on the cheese steak
was like an hour long.
I'm sorry.
You want a bite?
- Have a bite. Come on.
- All right.
What do you say, batter?
Batter to DeVanzo at first.
He's got it. Up with it.
Here. Down here.
Here. Here.
Two. Deuce. One time.
That's nothing but fun there.
He's got it.
One time now.
Established. Here.
Clear. Here.
Clear it. Two.
Fire it in there.
Fire it in!
One time.
Look alive there. Two.
Establishment. Here.
Hey, now!
- Complete jerk-off.
- "I want to be honest with it.
I want to be honest
with my wife."
- Shut the fuck up.
- Asshole.
This Danish is stale.
The happiest day of my life is
gonna be when you finally have a kid.
God bless, that means
I got laid at least once.
Laying down a bunt is like
holding your dick and putting it in.
Okay? Softly.
Hey, mom, do we have Fluffernutter?
- Mom!
- I'm looking!
Fluffernutter! See if we have any
Fluffernutter! She's losing her hearing.
I'm worry about her healthy.
You know, the happiest days...
"Happy Days"?
You were on "Happy Days"?
- Yes, I was. I'm Chachi.
- Okay.
- A priest and a rabbi...
- No, no, no.
- A...
- No, no, no.
What are you doing?
- What's this line?
- Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Is that the line?
I have no idea.
That's the Jersey City salute?
That's the Jersey City salute
to Manganelli, sweetheart!
Your shitnuts!