Beethoven's 5th (2003) Movie Script

Come here. I'm sorry.
- Beethoven, what's the matter?
- (whines)
Look, Beethoven.
I guess this is Quicksilver.
Which is in the middle of...
what's the word? Nowhere.
I sure hope they have indoor plumbing.
I know, I know.
We're a long way from home.
And we've got a long month ahead of us.
What are we going to do all summer?
There's no mall, no movies, and we don't
know anyone except Uncle Freddy.
And we haven't seen him in, like, forever.
You know what this adds up to?
(driver) Watch your step now, little lady.
Have a nice day.
- Is somebody meeting you, hon?
- My uncle's supposed to pick me up.
- He should be here any minute.
- How nice.
- Maybe I know him. What's his name?
- Freddy. Freddy Kablinski.
Freddy Kablinski?! (laughs)
(horn, siren)
(siren, horn)
- Sara? Sara Newton?
- You're 12 minutes late.
What happened to you?
Last time I saw you, you were a toddler.
- I was six.
- Well, whatever. Sorry I'm late.
I was working on this baby
and I lost track of time. Gimme that bag.
Seems like I got to tune it up
every third fire.
- Mom didn't tell me you were a firefighter.
- I'm not.
I'm a grease monkey.
A certified mechanic.
Is that the dog?
This is Beethoven.
Come on, Beethoven. Here, Beethoven.
Come and say hi.
Come on.
Don't lick Uncle Freddy.
You don't know where he's been.
Have you ever considered a face-lift?
Maybe just shorten these a little bit?
- Get this wolfhound off me.
- He's a St Bernard.
Come on, Beethoven.
So, Sara. Kicked out of camp, huh?
Way to go.
- I got kicked out of college twice.
- I wasn't kicked out.
- They asked me to leave.
- Oh, excuse me!
And just exactly why
were you asked to leave?
They wanted me to use an outhouse.
Do you know what that is?
- A bathroom that's on the outside?
- It's a toilet seat.
On a hole in the ground.
So you got sentenced to 30 days'
hard time at Camp Freddy, huh?
Uncle Freddy! Do you need glasses?
And welcome to Camp Freddy.
We got a whole month before
your parents get back from Hawaii.
- They're in the Bahamas.
- Palm trees and coconuts. Close enough.
It's OK, Beethoven, you can go on in.
Remember to wipe your feet.
Come on.
Grab the mail for me, would you?
Huh? Agh!
- Uncle Freddy, I didn't do it.
- It's OK. Go on inside.
Somebody clipped my mailbox again.
What kind of idiot can't see a mailbox?
I got to call the sheriff about this.
Throw his butt in jail is what I'd do.
Oh, no. What have you done?
You've only been here 30 seconds
and you've already trashed the place.
We're going to get kicked out of here too.
- Sorry about the kitchen.
- Something wrong?
Well... it's kind of a mess.
I'm sorry about that. I should have
cleaned up before you got here.
You mean, you did this? Not Beethoven?
Why, is he a messy dog or something?
It depends on what you call messy.
No big deal. I'll take care of this.
Just wait here one sec.
Boy, I can't wait to see my room.
OK, Sara, grab a wall.
Whoa! Uncle Freddy!
- I put the linoleum in so I could do this.
- Watch out, Beethoven!
It's just a little side benefit I get
for tuning up that fire truck.
Uncle Freddy, I already took a shower.
Beethoven, stay back!
Pretty clean, huh?
So, what do you usually have
for breakfast at home?
Mom says that nutritionally breakfast is
the most important meal of the day.
You've got to have milk
and fruit and protein.
OK. Coming right up.
There you go.
This is breakfast?
Fruit, milk and protein.
Just like you asked for.
(Beethoven gasps)
Uncle Freddy, it's a banana split.
I think I'll have some of
your bran flakes, if I may.
Bran flakes? OK. Sure.
I don't see an expiration date on this,
so it should be OK.
Say when.
Shame to see all that
ice cream go to waste.
Hey, look at this. Who needs a maid?
That floor will never be
safe for trash again.
I should have got a dog a long time ago.
(Sara) Watch out, Beethoven.
(Freddy) Whoa!
- You are a natural.
- Don't you have any work to do?
The great thing about being your own
boss is nobody tells you when to come in,
you can have lunch whenever you like,
and best of all...
you can have creeper races
whenever you want.
- Come on, give it a try.
- I don't know.
- Come on. lt'll be fun. Try it.
- Um, no thanks. It looks dangerous.
You know what? Sometimes you got to
just jump in without your floaties. Watch.
Watch it, Uncle Freddy.
Watch out!
- I score that jump a ten.
- Yeah, it was, wasn't it?
Uncle Freddy, are you OK?
You guys want to
hang out or something?
No, I can't. I got to put shocks on that
Caddy over there, but you guys should.
- Hi. I'm Garrett.
- Hi. I'm Sara.
- You're very tall for an eight-year-old.
- Eight-year-old?
OK, so I was off a couple of years.
- Hey, is that your dog?
- Yeah. This is Beethoven.
St Bernards are known for
their psychic abilities.
He is pretty smart. Aren't you, boy?
Hey, kids, you want to
see something funny?
Not that. Watch this.
Beethoven, sit.
- (can crumples)
- (laughter)
Now, has that dog got style or what?
Hey, wait, I got an idea.
Why don't you two kids grab some lunch?
Garrett, you could take Sara into town
and show her the sights. OK?
- We have sights?
- You want a free lunch or what?
I don't think Mom would want me to go
without you. Especially with a stranger.
He may be strange,
but he's not a stranger, OK?
He's the smartest kid in town.
Now go, have a good time.
- Come on, let's go.
- Stay with him, Beethoven.
He can help me fix the Caddy.
Right, Beethoven?
- You like GM products?
- (barks)
Quicksilver, huh? Guess this
used to be a silver mining town.
Not really. Mercury, actually.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It was a surprise to the miners too.
They were looking for gold
but hit mercury ore instead.
Quicksilver is slang for mercury.
- You knew that, right?
- Um, makes perfect sense.
But it turns out mercury's dangerous.
It affects the brain's neural function.
- Like how?
- You'll see.
Hello, Owen. How's it going?
It's dry. Too dry.
- Mercury, huh?
- That's Owen Tuttle all right.
He thinks the polar icecaps will melt
and we'll have to live underwater.
He goes to the lake every day to practise.
- Hey Garrett, come in here.
- Morning, Phil.
That's Phil Dobson.
He loves gambling, but always loses.
He owes everyone in town money.
Do you want to play some poker?
- Your wife said I wasn't allowed to.
- Let me try and win my computer back.
- I need it.
- Sorry. I promised your wife I wouldn't.
It's so unfair. What about you?
You're not a local, are you?
- You like to gamble?
- No, I don't gamble.
I'll play anything.
Rummy, blackjack, war, go fish.
- I'll play you for that blender.
- I don't need one.
Or how about a nice electric toothbrush?
One game for this electric toothbrush.
No, thanks. Bye.
Uh, hi.
- Never saw her before. You?
- Nope. She's not local.
Dresses kind of funny. Big-city, I think.
That's Freddy's niece, isn't it?
She'll come around.
- See you later.
- Talk to her, huh?
- This town is going to the dogs.
- Getting too uptown for my likings.
That's the Carter family.
They're just plain weird.
(car horn)
- Get in. It's an emergency.
- Where are we going?
Pete called. The fish are biting. Come on.
Rides like butter, huh?
(Sara) Don't people mind you
borrowing their cars?
I like to think of it as more of a test drive.
(country and western song on radio)
All right, kids, we're here.
Everybody out.
- Watch your step.
- For what?
- Rattlesnakes and mine shafts.
- And ghosts.
Everybody knows
these woods are haunted.
Come on. Nobody believes in ghosts.
Everybody knows there's ghosts out here.
At night you can hear them whistling.
(howls like ghost)
Uncle Freddy, I think I'm going to puke.
It's just chicken liver.
Look, it appeals to Beethoven.
Everything appeals to Beethoven.
Even toilet water.
- I got a bite.
- All right! Reel it in.
- Is that a fish?
- Whoa!
- I think I got a big one.
- (Freddy) Easy does it.
(Sara) You got it, Garrett. Don't let it go.
All right! We got dinner tonight.
Look at that baby.
- Hey, get it away from me!
- Is that a dandy or what?
There's no way I'm eating that.
- Whoa!
- (Sara) Eww!
- A genuine Gronias nigrilabrus.
- Translation: catfish.
I told you he was
the smartest kid in Quicksilver.
Uncle Freddy, what is it?
Hey, it's Owen.
Kids, always give a frogman a hand.
How's the weather down there?
It's wet. Too wet.
God. I never would have guessed.
- Is everyone in this town crazy?
- (both) Not us.
Beethoven? Come back, boy.
- He's probably off chasing a rabbit.
- Or maybe he's chasing a ghost.
Yeah. I'll believe it when I see it.
My grandfather saw the ghosts himself
when he was a kid.
He and his buddies were camping
by the lake when they came right at them.
They left so fast they forgot the tent.
And when they came back later...
it was all shredded up.
Stop it, Garrett.
There's no such thing as ghosts.
Sometimes spirits get trapped in this
world and can't find their way out.
And scientists,
with all their gobbledegook,
they just can't figure it out either.
(leaves rustling)
- (Sara) What was that?
- (Freddy) It's Beethoven.
- Come here. Here, boy.
- What's he got?
(Freddy) Hey! You got to love that dog.
Goes into the woods and comes back with
money. Any more where that came from?
- Can I keep it?
- I don't see why not. It looks old.
- Go get us all some money, Beethoven.
- Yeah.
- Buckets of it. Right?
- Yeah.
(toilet flushes)
- (banging and whirring)
- (puzzled growl)
(knock on door)
I forgot to mention.
The bathroom's upstairs.
Yeah. We heard.
Well, good night.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
- Uh, Uncle Freddy?
- Yeah?
You don't really have bedbugs, do you?
Nah. Not any more.
Beethoven, this is
going to be a long month.
So I decided at that point
to give up on a career with the NBA
and then I stopped eating for height
and started eating for pure girth.
Give me the seven-eighths, would you?
I think I'm going to save a lot of money
on lubrication with you around here.
(tyres screech)
Three, two, one...
Right on cue. That, Beethoven, is the
number-one moneymaker in this town.
The speed trap on Quicksilver Drive.
Out-of-towners think they can just
blast through here at any speed.
And then they meet the sheriff.
(Western-style music)
Nine times out of ten
some yokel's at the wheel
who thinks he can handle her
cos she's a woman.
Perfect. She's a chick.
- Licence and registration.
- Darlin', what did I do wrong?
It's Sheriff Dempsey. Licence.
Well, you got to hope he doesn't
start out by calling her honey.
Honey, we can work this out.
Sweet thing like you.
Ow, ow, ow!
It's a takedown! Oh, yeah!
Don't you scratch an itch
until I tell you to.
Yes, sir. Ma'am! I mean ma'am.
No, Beethoven, you do not
want to mess with the sheriff.
See that right there? That's her dad.
The Equaliser!
He was the greatest wrestler to ever mash
your face into the mat. The Equaliser!
Uncle Freddy.
(laughs) What are you doing?
(car zooms past)
A little wrestling talk
between the guys. Sports fans.
- So. What's up?
- (siren)
Me and Beethoven wanted to
go check out some stores nearby.
Good, fine. Well, have fun.
And behave yourself.
- We will.
- So long, Beethoven.
Come on, Beethoven.
Come on, let's check this place out.
It looks friendly.
- Get that Big Foot out of here.
- I'm sorry.
Come on, boy. Come on.
Did that big elephant
scare you, Babycakes?
You stay here, OK? I won't be long.
Come back here, Babycakes.
Listen to Mommy.
You know, little girl, this is a local store.
And you're no local.
- What are you doing in Quicksilver?
- I'm visiting my uncle Freddy.
- Freddy Kablinski.
- The grease monkey?
He's a mechanic. A certified mechanic.
(Beethoven growls)
(more growling)
Do you have any samples?
What does this look like,
Saks Fifth Avenue?
I've got surveillance cameras all over,
so don't think about stuffing your pockets.
I guess I can charge you
the local price. 7.41.
(cash register pings)
- Do you think I was born yesterday?
- What?
Oh, I see. The big-city folk are coming to
Quicksilver to make the yokels look silly.
This is phoney. Counterfeit. Funny money.
- Really, I didn't know.
- Didn't know? Hmm.
Everyone knows Hamilton is on the tens
and Andrew Jackson is on the twenties.
There it is. Andrew Jackson clear as day.
Issued in 1920.
I'm sorry. I'd better be going now.
I'll bring back real money. Bye.
Come on, boy. Let's get out of here.
You say Alexander Hamilton's
supposed to be on the ten?
Uh-huh. And Andrew Jackson's
on the twenty.
We'll see about that.
You have to have money
before you can spot counterfeit bills.
- We'd better go to the bank.
- Wait.
- Here you go.
- Oh! Thank you, Mr Gates.
I won it from Mr Dobson.
It pains me to admit Evie Kling might be
right about anything, but guess what?
- She is right.
- It was so humiliating.
- Maybe we should turn it in to the sheriff.
- I say ignore law enforcement.
- Let's keep it.
- Yeah.
No. No, we'd better go to the sheriff.
As long as Beethoven doesn't
get in trouble for passing funny money.
I don't think they have room
for him in the big house.
Let's go.
- Hey, Jim, is the sheriff in?
- She's right there.
- Hey.
- Hey, Freddy.
- This must be the counterfeiter.
- I didn't know, honest.
- Sara, this is Sheriff Dempsey.
- Call me Julie.
- Hey, who's the thief?
- (Sara) Beethoven!
- Partners in crime, huh?
- Sorry.
- He's kind of a bottomless pit.
- (burps)
You can relax, Sara.
You were paying with real money.
- But look.
- I know. Looks strange.
But come here.
Check this out.
I did a little web-surfing. You see?
There were Andrew Jackson
ten-dollar bills.
It says here the first ones
rolled off the press in 1914
and they stopped in the late '20s.
- Did you say 1920?
- Mm-hm.
This bill is very rare. Collectors will pay
anywhere from 50 to $200 a bill.
Let me see that.
Oh, yeah. There it is.
- "1920" in black and white.
- (Garrett) Whoa.
I don't get it. What's the big deal
about the 1920s anyway?
- Is it really Rita and Moe money?
- That money is mine!
She snatched it out of my hand after l
agreed to sell her my finest lip gloss.
It was in my hand.
lssued in the year 1920.
- Where'd it come from?
- It wasn't me. It was him. Beethoven.
- Oh.
- (all try to coax him over)
(man) Do you want to come home
with Uncle Stu?
Will somebody please tell me
what's going on?
Well, Sara, it's all about
the history of our fair town.
Burkin's mine produced more mercury
than the rest of the country.
Millions of teeth have been filled
because of our little burg right here.
The mine was open
till about 15 years ago.
Then the FDA started spreading those lies.
It's a medical urban myth
that mercury is poisonous.
I use it all the time. I'm fine.
But our biggest claim to fame came back
in 1926. We made all the papers then.
- You know why, Sara?
- Why?
Come here. I'll show you.
The famous Moe and Rita Selig.
They were bank robbers.
Like Bonnie and Clyde. Well, not exactly.
They were more accomplished.
They just never got a movie
made about them.
Rita and Moe, the courteous crooks.
They were known as the courteous crooks
because they would always say please
before they robbed you blind.
Then of course there's the red carnation.
Moe always pulled it from his lapel
and left it behind after a heist.
- But they never hurt anyone.
- Yeah.
They must have robbed... 12 banks
before the cops caught up with them.
- Guess where, Sara?
- Quicksilver.
Bingo! That's exactly right.
The cops chased them
right into Quicksilver Lake, and...
they drowned.
That was a black day for Rita and Moe.
- They found the car.
- But they never found the money.
Right, Garrett.
Not that everybody didn't look for it.
So you see why we're all going nuts.
Beethoven has done what nobody's
been able to do in 80 years.
Do you really think Beethoven found
Rita and Moe's loot?
What else could it be?
How many Jackson ten-dollar bills do you
think are lying around in the woods?
Yeah. Hey, wouldn't it be cool
if Beethoven could find some more?
Yeah, if he's not afraid of... ghosts.
Oh, come on.
It's been rumoured that the ghosts of
Moe and Rita haunt those woods,
protecting their money.
- It's true.
- Oh, please.
I never believed it, but I got to tell you...
Something weird happened to me
out there a few years ago.
I was squirrel-hunting in the woods,
and all of a sudden I knew
that somebody was following me.
Here it was, the middle of the summer,
yet this icy wind blew right through me.
(Beethoven whines)
Even my dog started howling.
But there was nobody there.
And it's a proven fact that dogs howl
when ghosts are around.
Dogs also howl at fire engines.
We've really enjoyed
this little walk through history.
But we don't want to take up any more of
your valuable time. Come on, kids.
- Thanks a lot, Harold.
- Bye.
- Bye, Mr Herman.
- Come back any time.
You too, big fella.
My door is always open.
Hurry, let me out of here.
- The ride's over. You survived.
- Next time I get the front, OK?
It's just as creepy up front.
You think it's creepy now, you should
have seen it when they brought it in.
OK, get a good whiff of this ten-spot and
lead me to its brothers and sisters. Go!
- (Sara) Why are we going at night?
- (Freddy) So no one will see us.
- (Garrett) He's going to do it.
- He's better than a lottery ticket.
Come on, boy. Use your smeller, feller.
- What is it, boy?
- (animal cry)
(Sara) What's that?
- I don't like it, Uncle Freddy.
- It's probably just a possum.
(animal cry)
- Stu?
- Freddy?
What are you doing out here
in the middle of the night?
Oh, just... enjoying the walk.
With a metal detector?
You'd be surprised at what you can find
in the woods. Tonight I hit the jackpot.
How about this fork? You know,
you can never, ever have enough forks.
One buck and it's yours.
The weird thing is,
I have more forks than I need right now.
So you have a nice night, OK?
Oh, listen. Freddy.
- I was never here.
- You can count on that.
He is not out here looking for silverware.
I got a bad feeling about this, kids.
Beethoven, take us to the dough.
- All right.
- Come on, boy.
- (Sara) Think this is a wild-goose chase?
- (Garrett) No.
St Bernards can smell a person
buried under 20 feet of snow.
- Freddy?
- Vaughn?
- What are you doing out here?
- I was going to ask you the same.
- We're looking for money.
- We're looking for mushrooms.
Come on, kids. Owen.
Did you find anything in the lake?
Water. Lots of water.
The lake is mine. Stay out of it.
- Who's that girl? She's not local.
- That's my niece.
I don't trust her.
Come on, Carters.
This town could use some non-locals.
Spruce up the gene pool a little.
- (Garrett) Now what?
- Freddy, is that you?
- Sheriff Julie?
- I heard there was some treasure hunting.
- I figured I'd make sure nobody got hurt.
- You got that right. Place is a madhouse.
Actually, I'm glad I ran into you.
My car's been acting up again.
Twice around the odometer.
What are you going to do?
Bring it in. I'd be happy to
give you a tune-up any time.
Wha...? Uh...
- I mean your car. Was what I...
- Ha-ha. Right.
- I'll drop it by first thing. Take care now.
- Sure.
Uncle Freddy, I didn't know
you were sweet on Julie.
- Am not.
- He sure is.
Admit it. You like her.
- Do not.
- Do too.
I don't want to discuss this.
Let's go home.
Come on, boy.
Uncle Freddy? Uncle Freddy?
(ghostly whispering)
What is it?
- What's wrong, Sara?
- What is it?
I saw the ghosts. Rita and Moe.
Right there.
- What is it?
- Sara saw the ghosts.
They're over there.
Beethoven! Beethoven, come back.
- (Freddy) Sara, wait.
- (Sara) Somebody get him.
Stay here. Stay with me.
Don't go with her.
Somebody's up to no good.
(Beethoven snores)
Maybe camp wasn't that bad.
Now, hold on a moment.
There are no ghosts. You said so yourself.
But you said there were.
"Spirits can get trapped in this world."
I was kidding, OK?
A little thing adults do for fun.
OK, maybe it wasn't that funny.
But there could be a million reasons
why that carnation was out in the woods.
What? Somebody dropped it
on their way to the prom?
A little teenage attitude here, huh?
It would be if I was a teenager,
but I'm only 12.
Plus, I saw them. Clear as day.
Half the town was in the woods last night.
What about Beethoven? He was howling.
Dogs howl when they're around ghosts.
Dogs also howl at fire engines.
The point is, we got to stay focussed.
There is big money at stake here,
and we have the only key.
Thirds? Oh, man.
You really are milking it, aren't you?
OK. (sighs)
- So what's up with you and Sheriff Julie?
- There's no story there.
- She's way out of my league.
- Come on, that's not true.
You should ask her out.
- Well, actually, I...
- (door bell)
Saved by the bell.
Good morning. Good morning.
Oh. How... shabby.
Hello, dearie, how are you?
Come with me.
I brought a present for you.
A welcome-to-Quicksilver present.
That's how we locals are. Friendly.
- Lip gloss galore!
- Oh! Thank you.
Where's Beethoven? I thought he and
Babycakes could share some quality time.
They got along so well the other day.
- Beethoven?
- Oh, yes. They're just like soul mates.
Babycakes would like us all to take
a nice big long walk together.
No! Babycakes!
She's just playing hard to get.
Come back, sweetie.
Sweetheart, come back.
What did Mommy do wrong?
This isn't the plan. Babycakes,
Beethoven will think you don't like him.
- I can see they get along just great.
- Babycakes!
So a few people know about the money.
It's not the end of the world.
We just have to lay low and not attract
any undue attention. Got it? Good.
- Greetings, canine.
- Here they come.
- Where's the loot?
- Hey, big dog.
- Woof, woof!
- Hey, big guy.
- You rock!
- Oh, brother. So much for laying low.
Beethoven, want to come over and play?
Oh, yeah, Beethoven's great, isn't he?
Don't you just love him?
Aren't you Mr Popular!
Maybe you ought to run for mayor.
Maybe I ought to start drooling
and people'd wave at me.
Say cheese.
Hey, wait.
Don't I get to buy anything here?
Good idea, Beethoven.
We'll do a little cleaning.
That'll make Sara happy.
- (polite growl)
- Ah.
Finally we agree on something.
(excited growl)
What was I thinking?
How's that, Beethoven?
- Julie.
- (appreciative growl)
OK. Look cool. Stay calm. Act natural.
I should go over there and talk to her.
Nah, she's not going to want to talk to me.
No, Beethoven!
Stop, please!
Most people would have just said hello.
- Hello.
- (friendly growl)
- What a mess!
- I'm sorry.
Forgive him. It's his first time shopping.
So, when did you
become a wrestling fan?
Since your dad took down
Titus the Terminator in Houston.
What a takedown. That was brilliant.
"Defy the Equaliser and be equalised!"
- Wow! You really are a fan.
- Yeah, well, you know.
I nearly cried when he lost
the championship to the Bricklayer.
- I did not sleep for a week.
- You know it was all scripted, right?
I know that. But I was just a little kid.
What does a little kid know?
Remember this?
The Equaliser death grip! Yeah.
That's a good one.
Do you remember this? Gentleman Jim?
- Sorry.
- Oh, no, really.
I was... impressed.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Well, maybe...
- (cellphone rings)
Sorry. Got to get this.
- Yeah.
- (Beethoven sighs)
(Freddy sighs)
Nice try, big fella.
It's pretty simple.
One talisman for you. One for me.
Salt for you. Salt for me.
Nettle for you. Nettle for me.
Paqua for you. Paqua for me.
We now have maximum ghost protection.
I don't think Mom would want me to go.
She'd want me to stay home.
Wait. I forgot to give you
the most important thing.
The Peruvian crystal.
- What is it again?
- It's the Peruvian crystal.
It's from Machu Picchu.
Not only does it ward off ghosts,
it also protects you against all danger.
Just remember,
it's got to be on you at all times.
- But what if something goes wrong?
- Come on. You've got to come.
You coming?
We need you.
I got your flashlights right here.
- What did you have for dinner?
- Nothing. I don't smell anything.
Yeah, I smell garlic. What is that?
You big traitor. OK, sure.
I got a little garlic just as insurance
to keep the ghosts away. Let's go.
I thought you didn't believe in ghosts.
- And garlic's for vampires.
- There are vampires?
Get a good whiff of this,
and then show me the money!
I'm smelling a new Ferrari
and a liquid plasma TV. Come on!
- (Sara) What do you see, boy?
- (whimpers)
- Do you see that?
- Yeah. Maybe we ought to hold on.
- Come back tomorrow.
- Exactly.
- They're coming for us!
- Go, go, go!
Beethoven, get back here.
What the...? Oh, man. I cannot bel...
Uncle Freddy,
what are you doing up there?
- I'm hanging upside down cos I like it.
- Hold on. Don't worry, I got it.
Get me down. I got rope burns on my butt.
- I'll cut you down.
- What am I, a sack of potatoes?
Garrett, no. Garrett, do not cut...
..the rope.
- Are you OK?
- Yeah, yeah, fine.
- What's with Beethoven?
- (woman) Help!
Help me. Help! And get this tank off of me.
Come on, Beethoven. Off.
- Cora?
- That's Crazy Cora.
- Why's she crazy?
- (Cora) Are you out of your mind?
Those aliens could abduct that little girl
just the way they did it to me.
- Never mind.
- Unlike everyone else, she's really crazy.
What I want to know is,
what's with all the traps around here?
- Did I catch you?
- Maybe you did and maybe you didn't.
There are too many people
sneaking around here of late.
The wood creatures don't like it.
They told me so, telepathically.
You know what I think? I think it's you
don't want any people looking at your still.
- What still?
- I was just reading about stills.
Is it a pot still or a column still?
I can't confirm or deny that I have a still.
But if I did have a still...
of course it would be a column still.
Do you single- or double-distil?
I don't distil, since I don't have a still.
But if I did have a still,
I'd triple-distil for smoothness.
- If you had a theoretical still...
- Oh, what the hey.
Why don't you just come and have a look?
(Sara) What's a still?
(Garrett) Kind of a home-made
whisky warehouse.
- (Cora) Business has been slow, Freddy.
- Really?
I was hoping you were a new customer.
So, all these people are looking for
Rita and Moe's cash?
That's a hoot! Don't they know
Rita and Moe took it with them?
Cora, you can't take it
with you when you go.
No, they took it with them. To Cleveland.
Or maybe it was Kansas City.
No, no, they drowned right here.
You can't believe the papers.
No, my daddy told me.
They got away, they settled down,
they raised a family.
Probably joined the PTA.
(clattering and clanking)
Yup, they must have been
living on Easy Street.
- There's no loot?
- But Beethoven found this ten-dollar bill.
They're long gone.
The elohim, the most holy
of all the extraterrestrials...
they saw it all.
And reported it back to my daddy.
Well, we got to be pushing off.
But I'm sure business will pick up.
You were right, Freddy.
Business did just pick up.
(Sara) Uncle Freddy, you stink.
Smells like you've been to
a few too many happy hours.
- Oh, no. I do not believe this.
- What's up?
I can't let Julie smell me like this.
Somebody else drive.
- Garrett, have you got your licence yet?
- I wish. I'm only 12.
This looks bad. This looks really bad.
(puts on handbrake)
Whoa! Freddy,
what have you been doing?
I can explain. This is Cora's moonshine.
I can smell that. Out of the van.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
With the kids?!
I am not drunk. This is Beethoven's fault.
Now you're trying to blame the dog?
Arms out, eyes closed.
- I do not drink and drive.
- Right forefinger to your nose.
Is this really necessary?
Left forefinger to your nose.
- Satisfied?
- Right elbow to your nose.
- What?
- Do it.
It won't reach.
(puzzled growl)
Stand on one foot.
Can you hop?
Oh, ha ha ha. All right, I get it.
Very funny.
- So, you found nothing on the net?
- Nothing we didn't already know.
That's why we have to approach it
the old-fashioned way.
It looks normal, but this is Quicksilver.
What's the catch?
Wait till you see inside.
The building was donated by
some lady who was a feline freak.
Cats were part of the deal.
Eww, they're stuffed!
Yup. It creates
an interesting atmosphere.
- lnteresting isn't the word.
- Yeah, I know.
It's a very weird town.
Come on, Beethoven.
Come on.
So far I've found nothing about the Seligs.
Look under "bank robberies". Maybe
there'll be a chapter on Rita and Moe.
Yeah. Good idea.
- Looking for something?
- Mr Giles!
We were just researching Rita and Moe.
- Rita and Moe.
- Yeah, you know. The bank robbers.
Yes. Every few years or so I get
a little run on research about them.
This week it's been like a stampede.
Apparently some young girl - not a local -
found an interesting ten-dollar bill.
- Was that you?
- Uh, actually it was my dog. Beethoven.
So. It is true.
Do you mind if I see
the money for myself?
Actually, it's at my uncle Freddy's house.
Exactly where was this bill found?
Well, we don't know.
But that's why we're here.
So we can get clues about
Rita and Moe's last day.
- I can't help you.
- Why?
- Everything is checked out.
- Everything?
Checked out. For a long time.
Come on, boy.
The Saga Of The Seligs.
Hey, Garrett, this is it!
I'll take that.
Let's go.
Come on, Beethoven.
- (Garrett) What's he taking it up there for?
- I don't know, but I'm going to find out.
So, what do you know about
Mr Giles the librarian?
Giles? I don't know.
I'll go out on a limb
and say he likes books.
- You good?
- Uh-huh.
Dealer takes three.
I don't know. He's been around forever.
He sticks to himself.
Garrett and I went up to the library today
and he seemed a little strange.
You'll get no argument from me there!
- Your bet.
- OK. But one question first.
What do you call it again when you have
all the same suit and they're all in order?
A straight flush?
Oh, yeah. That's right.
OK, then I bet all of this.
Take it.
You bluffed me.
Oh, man, I cannot believe it.
- Learn from the best.
- Torched by a teenager.
- And to think I'm only 12!
- Yeah.
- I'm going up to bed.
- We're playing again tomorrow.
You know, Camp Freddy's not so bad.
- Better than the Bahamas?
- Well, I wouldn't go that far.
- Good night.
- Night.
Hey, Beethoven.
Know what a royal flush is?
- Then I'm not playing you either.
- (sighs)
(window screens bang)
(ghostly whispering)
(growls and barks)
What is it, boy?
- What happened?
- I think Beethoven scared off a burglar.
I heard him howl.
That could have meant it was the ghost.
- No, I don't think so.
- Is anything missing?
I don't know.
I don't even know what I have.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
The Jackson ten is missing.
And look. They left this in its place.
This treasure hunting has got out of hand.
So nothing else was missing?
Well... no. As far as I know. I think.
The ghost took it.
How else do you explain the flower?
- Any idea how they got in?
- Yeah.
They got in through the window,
which I left open.
- It's a hot night.
- What about Beethoven? He was howling.
Beethoven never howls.
Honey... listen. Don't worry about this.
We've got Beethoven to protect us,
we've got my Louisville slugger,
and Sheriff Julie
is only a phone call away.
We're going to be safe, don't worry.
I know. It's just a little freaky, that's all.
Hey, listen. Don't you worry about it.
If anybody tries to come in here, I'll do my
Mark McGuire impersonation and I'll...
And I will at that point...
call Sheriff Julie to help.
You see? Your uncle
will take good care of you.
I'd better get back to the station.
Well, I...
(Beethoven sighs)
Uh, Julie...
I was wondering if... you... would...
you wanted us to go
to the station with you.
That won't be necessary.
I have everything I need for the moment.
Keep up the good work, Beethoven...
and I might have to deputise you.
He's great.
(Beethoven sighs)
I know, I know. I chickened out.
But what's the point? She's not going to
go out with a slob like me.
Well, why don't you ask her out, Mr Cool?
Hey, no, no, no. You already had yours.
No, no, no. This is mine.
You know, everyone in town has
a motive for stealing that money.
You idiot! What are you going to
gamble away next? One of the kids?
Phil owes everyone in town money.
That gives him a motive.
It's obvious Owen
doesn't believe in floods.
He's probably been looking
for the money all the time.
And then there's Stu.
We know he'll do anything for money.
(phone rings)
- And then, Evie Kling.
- Who's a good girl?
Who can trust anybody
with a dog that irritating?
And then there's Mr Giles. I mean,
hoarding all those Rita and Moe books.
And the day I tell him we have
the Jackson ten-dollar bill, it's stolen.
I mean, what's up with that?
True. Something's going on there.
- You know what we need, Uncle Freddy?
- What?
We need a personal tour of that
Special Collections room of his.
Here's the deal.
When there's more of your drool
than my ice cream in this bowl, it's yours.
Do you want it? OK, fine.
You don't fool me with that coy thing.
I saw you pretending you didn't want it.
I knew you wanted it.
- (growls)
- (Garrett) Shh! There he is.
(Freddy) 12 noon. Just like clockwork.
Giles goes for his chilli burger
and Rolaids. OK, let's go.
All yours.
Julie would kill me
if she saw me doing this.
- Where'd you learn how to pick a lock?
- I used to be a locksmith.
Something like that.
- It's just up those stairs.
- Fine. Nobody touch anything.
No one can know we were here.
You two stay here and keep guard.
Beethoven and I will go on a little recon.
Down. Shh!
Beethoven! What part of "don't touch
anything" didn't you understand?
Hey, what are you doing?
Beethoven, cut it out.
Quiet, or the whole town will hear. Shh!
No, no, no!
Oh, no. Thank you!
Uncle Freddy!
What happened to being quiet?
Everything's fine.
I got it under control, OK?
(Beethoven growls)
(alarm keeps ringing)
(barks and growls)
- Yes, sir.
- That's it, we're going up. Come on.
Needless to say, I didn't last long
in the security business.
Come on, bird dog.
This is very weird.
Do you really think
our ten-dollar bill is in here?
There's only one way to find out.
Let's search the place.
Whoa, Rita and Moe!
- This is a little suspicious.
- (Sara) Hey, the red carnation!
Let's look in here.
- (Garrett) Find anything, Freddy?
- Nothing from this century.
Hey, look.
- What did you find?
- Negatives.
Can't tell what they're of.
- They must be important to be in here.
- Let me see.
(inquisitive growl)
- What's wrong, Beethoven?
- Someone's coming.
Don't panic. Stay calm. Everybody just...
- Or what? Go to jail?
- No, no, no.
- OK, when I tell you, run.
- You're going to time us?
What? No. Go, go, go. Out the front door.
(alarm goes off)
(alarm, clattering)
- We should tell Julie.
- Tell the sheriff we trashed the place?
I like her, but the inside of a jail cell is not
the best way to make an impression.
(ghostly whispering)
- Don't skimp on the whipped cream.
- Don't worry. I got a whole case.
Breakfast time!
Beethoven! Breakfast time!
That's weird. He never misses breakfast.
I'll check around front.
Beethoven! (whistles)
- Beethoven!
- Beethoven!
(Sara) Beethoven!
Breakfast time!
Thanks for coming by so quickly, Julie.
I don't like it. Somebody's getting
a little too serious about this money.
Don't forget to put those posters up. I'll let
you know if I get any leads on Beethoven.
(clapped-out engine noises)
We'll find him. Right, Uncle Freddy?
Don't worry, Sara.
We'll get Beethoven back.
We'd better get inside.
- He's missing, huh?
- Yeah.
Well, that's just too bad.
Thanks for letting me
post this here, Mr Herman. Bye.
Bye, Sara. I'm so sorry
to hear Beethoven's missing.
Missing, huh? I'll bet you 100 bucks the
dog found a collie and ran off to Vegas.
- What makes you say that?
- That's what I'd do.
How about 50 bucks?
- 20. Come on, give me a number.
- Hey, there you are.
Check this out. One and one makes three.
Whoa! Rita and Moe had a baby?
I know. I know who has Beethoven!
(door opens)
Sorry to bother you, Mr Giles,
but I need to ask you a few questions.
- About what, Sheriff?
- About Beethoven. Have you seen him?
Check the central cemetery in Vienna.
Look next to Mozart's tomb.
- Very funny, Mr Giles.
- I meant Beethoven the dog.
- Were you home last night?
- No, I was cleaning the library.
And blow-drying some wet cats.
We know who you really are.
You are the son of Rita and Moe Selig.
That's preposterous.
- Why are you so sure of this?
- It was Crazy Cora.
She said that Rita and Moe got away.
She also said she was
selling moonshine to aliens.
But it made me think,
what if they did get away?
It would explain why they never found the
bodies. And Cora also said they had a kid.
Show him your negative
you printed, Garrett.
That you were hiding, Mr Giles.
But what really did it... was this.
The letters I saw in the store window.
"Giles" is...
"Selig" spelt backwards.
Of course. An anagram!
What do you say, Mr Giles?
You're a regular little detective,
aren't you, kid?
It's true. Mom and Dad survived
that plunge into the lake.
Of course, they never did get over it.
Scared them to death.
They escaped to Canada and put
their bank-robbing days behind them.
All these years, everyone's been
looking in the wrong place.
They buried everything from their heists
somewhere in that old mercury mine.
They were too scared
to come back to America.
Besides, the only map to the money
went down with the car in the lake.
Anyway, after they died I came back here
to see if I could find the money.
I never found a thing.
- Why did you give up?
- I got tired.
I thought my secret was safe,
until your dog found some of the loot.
So, are you going to bring me to the jail?
What about Beethoven? Did you take him?
No, no! Go ahead and look around.
I didn't take him.
He isn't here. It's too neat.
Believe me, he'd be hard to hide.
Well, then, there's no reason to arrest you,
Mr Giles. You're not your parents.
So if he doesn't have Beethoven...
who does?
(muffled growl)
It's your moment of truth, mutt.
Come here.
I'm gonna show you something.
See this? There.
My ticket out of this dump.
- I loathe this place.
- (growls)
Look at that. You see that? All right, look.
Get a whiff of that cash. Smell that?
That's what we're going to find, all right?
Good. Listen. You take me to that cash
or I'll bury you right here.
Come on. Down!
Yeah! Keep it up.
Don't lose it now.
I've been dreaming about this day.
You know you can't even get
a decent latte in this rathole?
Come on. It's going to be great.
What the...? You think you're smarter?
Listen, you can't fool me. Come on.
Wasting my life in a town where the
yokels think a Twinkie is a French pastry.
Who said you could take a break?
Come on, dog breath.
Whoa! What the...?
Hey, what...?
Hey. Hey, no, wait a minute.
Wait, where are you going?
What are you doing? Where are you...?
Come back. Come back here.
Hey! Agh!
Get back here! Ow.
(door handle rattles)
- Did you hear that?
- Yeah.
Come on.
- Beethoven!
- What did they do to you?
- Is that better, boy?
- Where were you?
Hey, where are you going?
Come here. Come here, Beethoven.
(Sara) He wants us to follow him.
Come on.
We aren't going to follow him?
Things are getting a little crazy.
I'd like to get you home in one piece.
Are you telling me
now you believe in ghosts?
No. I'm telling you maybe I should start
using a little common sense for once.
I say we get dressed,
get Garrett and find that money.
Well, what about the ghosts?
You know, sometimes you just have to
jump in without your floaties.
We've been out here long enough.
It's going to be light soon.
Come on, Freddy, just a little longer.
We got to be close.
That's what worries me.
Running into something we can't handle.
Wait! I think he's got something.
- Who did I catch tonight?
- Hey! Over here!
- Over here! Come on.
- Who is that?
- Harold?!
- Cora!
I bet it's in there.
Come on, Garrett, let's go.
Come back here.
We don't know who we're dealing with.
- Come on, Uncle Freddy.
- Kids, come back!
(Garrett) Wow! Look at this place.
Don't you know that mine shafts
and kids equal disaster? I hate this.
- What's that?
- (Beethoven growls)
(squeaking, fluttering of wings)
Oh, my gosh. He's digging. Look!
- Come on, Uncle Freddy. What is it, boy?
- (Garrett) He's found something.
- What are we standing around for?
- I thought you hated mine shafts.
But I love buried treasure. Let's go.
OK, Beethoven, dig or get out of the way.
(tired growl)
That's it? That's your shift?
There'd better be something down here
more than a bone or I'll be really angry.
Hold it. Hold it.
What is it?
- This is it.
- Oh, my God. The money.
(Sara) I can't believe it.
Get the lid!
(gasps and barking)
- We're rich! Uncle Freddy! Garrett!
- It's beautiful.
(Freddy) Ker-ching! Ha-ha!
You are looking at
Moe and Rita's money. Oh, yeah!
Come on, let's get it.
Thank you, Beethoven.
Put it in this bag.
Kids, we're going to need the services
of a good financial planner.
(engine fails to start)
(Garrett) What's this?
A mechanic whose truck won't start?
What's going on?
Oh, man. It looks like we're
going to need a ride out of here.
Hello? Hello?
Julie, can you hear me?
Yeah, it's Freddy.
- No, not Eddie, Freddy!
- Oh, Freddy. Where are you?
Somebody cut the wires to my truck.
We got the money, but we're
up here on Old Lake View Road.
- Can you come and get us?
- You're breaking up. What did you say?
- Can you hear me? Old Lake View Road.
- Old Lake View Road?
- Yeah. Come and get us.
- OK, I'll be right there.
- Julie's on her way.
- Good.
I think.
(barking and howling)
(barking and howling)
- He only does that when...
- (Garrett) He hears ghosts.
(Sara) Beethoven, come back.
- Where do you think you're going?
- No, boy, no. Come back!
This is getting out of hand.
We've got to wait for Julie.
Come on, you guys.
There's something in here.
- Whoa.
- (ghostly cries)
(Sara) It's the ghosts. Rita and Moe!
- Beethoven!
- (Freddy) No, Beethoven, no!
- What the heck...?!
- (triumphant growl)
Cora? Oh, man!
You got to train this moose. This is
the second time he's knocked me over.
- Cora, what is all this?
- All what?
Look. This. You pretending to be ghosts.
So... there were never any ghosts?
If I didn't go along with it, the Genesis
One was going to beam me straight up.
And I'm not ready to go, I'll tell you that.
And even when I am ready to go,
it sure as heck's not going to be to Saturn.
So, what, aliens are behind all this?
Don't be such a fool.
It wasn't the aliens. It was Harold.
- Harold Herman talked you into this?
- He spoke to the aliens.
Well, he was the one who told us
dogs howl around ghosts.
- Howling? You want howling?
- (high-frequency whistle)
Harold gave me this.
To lure you guys in here.
The money.
It's gone!
(vehicle driving away)
No way!
(Garrett) Beethoven! Wait up!
(engine splutters)
Oh, come on, come on. Not again!
Get off!
Stop. Get off.
Come on. Get off.
Are you OK?
You got some explaining to do.
He's the one who kidnapped Beethoven.
Don't let him get away.
Come on!
- Give up, Harold.
- Speak for yourself, grease monkey!
Get him, Beethoven.
- Nice takedown, big guy.
- (contented growl)
That's for taking my money,
and that's for taking my dog.
Equaliser death-grip. Dad would be proud.
Meet the ghost of Moe and Rita. I must
admit, the carnation was a nice touch.
Harold Herman, you're under arrest.
Dognapping, reckless driving,
hit and run... And that's just for starters.
- You know what? You're fired.
- You can't fire me. I'm an elected official.
- I can fire anybody I want.
- Let's go, Harold.
I deserve that money! Stuck in this dump.
Only to have my ticket out ruined
by some dumb dog and a teenager!
- She's not a teenager.
- I deserve that money.
- She's only 12.
- You must let me go.
- You're not dumb. You're a hero.
- Yeah!
(contented growl)
(Freddy) The new library's
really looking good.
(Garrett) Rita and Moe's money
went a long way.
(Freddy) Nothing like being a good citizen.
Look. Bus doesn't
get here for ten minutes.
Wait. We're actually early?
Yeah. Don't be so surprised.
I've been early before.
- Like when?
- Well...
Just because I can't think of an example
doesn't mean I'm lying. Got everything?
Uh-huh. M&M's, Walkman, ticket...
Ticket! Oh, no! Ticket.
- Uncle Freddy!
- I gave you the ticket, didn't I?
- No!
- I think I gave you the ticket. Did I?
Oh, that was good. That was real good.
I'm impressed.
Uh-oh. Cops.
You kids run, I'll try to
hold them off with Beethoven.
- Thought I wouldn't make it in time.
- I don't think so. In that baby?
475 horsepower, 0 to 60 in 4.8 seconds.
She's a beauty. I have one good-looking,
courageous treasure-seeker to thank.
Don't I, Beethoven? You're my hero.
- Thanks for the police cruiser.
- Beethoven did it all by himself, huh?
I'll thank you at dinner tonight.
Oh, boy. Here it comes.
It's official, I guess. Our little party's over.
Well, let's get this show on the road.
- It's OK. I got it.
- Garrett...
Here's your Peruvian crystal.
Beethoven, what are you doing?
I'm sorry, Garrett.
I guess this is as good a time as any to tell
you it's not really from Machu Picchu.
- It's not?
- It's rock candy.
- Want one?
- (burps)
- You lied to me.
- Hey, I had to think fast.
You were going to chicken out
and miss the adventure of a lifetime.
- You mad at me?
- Yeah.
- (Freddy) Time to go, Sara.
- But I'll get over it.
Bye, Sara. We're going to miss you.
You too, Beethoven.
Bye, Julie. Bye, Garrett.
- I wanted to...
- Thank you.
- What I...
- Uncle Freddy...
Wait. OK. I have something for you.
Thanks, Uncle Freddy. I was wondering...
Could I make a reservation
at Camp Freddy next summer?
Well, that depends. On whether or not
you're going to be beating me at poker.
I'm going to bleed you dry.
- Bye-bye, sweetie.
- Goodbye, Uncle Freddy.
Yes, you can come too.
But you got to work on that drooling thing.
Come on, Beethoven.
- Bye, Sara.
- See you next summer.
Bye, Beethoven.
(sad growl)
- Bye.
- Bye, Beethoven.
I'll have a banana split waiting for you!
I'm going to miss Uncle Freddy.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I'm actually going to miss this town.
As bizarre as it is.
Duck, quick. It's Babycakes!
Too late. Beethoven...!
Sweetheart, stay. Sit.
Babycakes! Babycakes, why?
No, please, that is not how a lady acts.
Oh, Babycakes!
Looks like somebody's
going to miss you, Beethoven.
So, do you think now that Quicksilver's
a little richer it'll be any less weird?
I don't think so either.