Being Frank (2018) Movie Script

You list music as an interest.
But I don't see no performances.
Choir, orchestra, marching band.
Well, I'm more of a soloist.
Beat of my own drummer, you know?
I'm not a drummer.
I'll just...
put those back for you.
Or a team player, it seems.
That's what my dad says.
Yeah? At least your father
sounds like a smart man.
My father's a dick, sir.
Between work and his unrivaled
enthusiasm for Monday Night Football,
he has no idea what my deal is.
Sorry to bother you.
But Mom said that your
self-indulgent practice interview
can wait until
after dinner. Okay?
Are you going
to take this seriously?
I pulled a lot of strings
to get you this job interview.
Do you know what I was doing
the summer after high school?
- Drugs?
- That's not funny.
Hey everyone, I, uh... I have
a lot more in the car, so...
Just a sec, hon.
I was working 12-hour shifts
in your grandfather's factory.
- And do you know why?
- Because he forced you?
He was preparing me
for the future.
He knew one day I'd take over.
Well, I'm sorry I don't have your unbridled
passion for the ketchup industry, Dad.
It's like, I don't want to live in
the same town I grew up in forever.
None of us want that.
Will you shut up, Lib?
Guys? I really could use a hand.
Yeah, just a second.
I don't think a summer job
is too much to ask.
You know, Ritchie's daughter, Kelly,
waits tables to help pay for college
and she's still
graduating early.
And with the help
of her brother, Eddie,
they cured cancer
and got the Huns out of China.
Eddie's only a sophomore.
He's already on path to get
a full football scholarship.
Wow, sounds like
your ideal son, Dad.
I'm not trying to make
you feel bad. Only motivate you.
I got to get this.
Why is she in a bad mood?
I'm coming!
Mom, why not?
Because I know the kinds of things
that happen on spring break.
What? Kids of overprotective parents
get to reclaim a moment of sanity?
Minors get high and smoke weed.
Well, that's not why I'm going.
Mom, look. Here. See? Culture.
The Starling festival?
Yeah, it's supposed
to be amazing and educational.
- So, it's good.
- Mm-hmm.
Did you ask your father?
He never says yes to anything!
I agree with your mother.
You don't even know
what we're talking about.
This looks amazing, Laura!
Thank you.
- Where's Lib?
- Hunger strike.
More of Grandma Ruth's pie
for you.
You have our full support.
So, it looks like I have to leave
first thing in the morning for Japan.
Feeling that
three-day itch, huh?
Could you send someone
else this time?
Because the kids
have spring break.
And it would be great
if the whole family could...
Do you think I enjoy being
out of town for weeks on end?
You know, living out of suitcases?
Eating nothing but room service?
I would!
She gets that from
your side of the family.
Okay, well, if Philip wants
to go to the Starling Festival,
then I could take both
of the kids to the lake.
- No!
- No!
Philip has his summer
job interview on Monday.
And, uh... I put in a lot
of effort to make that happen.
How much effort does it take to
hire your son when you're the boss?
You wouldn't understand
the politics, Laura.
- Right.
- No, it's fine, Mom.
I mean, a family vacation is not exactly
what I had in mind for spring break anyhow.
But a bird migration
festival is?
All right. This is BS.
- Philip...
- Where do you think you're going?
To Lewis'. To study.
- That better be reflected in your grades.
- Frank. Frank, let him go.
I hope you're home by 10:00.
Do you remember
when we went to this?
Hmm. No.
Beer me.
Did you speak to your parents?
Did you sell them on the whole
"culture," "science," "festival of
bird migrations" trip for break?
I'm pretty sure they saw it as a
ploy to smoke weed and score girls.
What? Dude, come on.
- It was a terrible idea.
- It was a great idea.
- For who?
- My parents bought it.
Yeah, well, your parents
are idiots, man.
Look, this is
our senior year, dude.
This is our last
spring break ever.
Our final chance to act like the
popular kids we pretend to hate!
You have to inhale.
All the way...
My final chance
to get with Allison.
I hate to break it to you, but you've
never had a chance with Allison.
Shit man, I even got my uncle
to let us crash at his place!
- Is it by the lake?
- It's close enough.
Come on, man. How old are you?
I'm almost 18. I...
Yeah, you know what?
You're right. Okay, I...
I'm tired of my dad telling me
what I can and can't do.
- He's going to Japan, right?
- Mm-hmm.
And then my mom is going to that PETA
demonstration with Lib in the morning.
If we leave before they get
back, we'll be fine.
Hell yeah! Shit.
- We are men. We can do...
- That's right.
There's Sam. Let's go say hi.
Hey Allison!
Don't think she heard me.
You weren't very loud.
- Should I be louder?
- No.
It's way after 10:00.
Can you just ground me
in the morning?
- Did you...
- No, no. Dad, I wasn't drinking.
Did you apply to NYU?
I'm assuming that's one of those
we-regret-to-inform-you letters.
I mean, I... I thought
it'd be a waste of time.
You got in.
"Dear Philip,
we are pleased to inform you..."
I... I got in.
Holy shit!
I thought you wanted
to go to State.
You want me to go to State.
I wanted to get as far away
from here as possible. That...
I should call Lewis.
You're right, it's late.
I should pack, or...
- Philip...
- No, no, wait, wait.
Why would I pack
four months in advance?
That's... Everything
would get wrinkled.
Philip. You can't go.
What do you mean?
Philip, you're not ready
for New York City at all.
Dad, I can't be a musician here.
A musician? Nobody goes to
college to be a musician.
It's not happening. I'm sorry.
No, you're not.
You're thrilled to have another
thing to take away from me.
No NYU, no girlfriend,
you won't even let me have a dog!
Since when did you have
a girlfriend?
I'm almost 18, all right?
You need to stop treating me
like the 5-year-old
who puked on Allison Schumer
at the piano recital.
From what I see,
you're still acting like that kid.
How do you know?
You're never here!
Can I come in?
Legally, I can't stop you.
He'll never let you go.
Maybe I don't need
his permission.
But you need his money.
Tuition isn't cheap.
And you can forget scholarships.
Because you don't exactly
look good on paper.
Okay, aren't you too young
to be hating men?
Look at my role models.
You ready to ditch
this ghost town?
Ah, you have no idea.
If you play that thing
when people are around,
you might actually get laid
once in a while.
Uh, I get laid
all the time, so...
It doesn't count if you're
the only person in the room.
Check it out. Must be getting close.
It's your dad's first baby.
Yeah, the one
he actually spends time with.
But think about all the
parties we could throw there.
Think anyone would come?
All of the ladies
we are gonna hit this weekend!
Spring break!
- Whoa! Yeah.
- Oh, yeah!
Hey, they seem nice.
Is this it?
So much for bachelor paradise.
I think it's nicer
on the inside.
Thank God I got my tetanus shot.
Uncle Ross?
Hello? Uncle... Ross?
Ugh. What time is it?
Oh... fuck.
This is my friend... Philip.
Yeah. Hi.
I thought
you were bringing a girl.
Not a fucking dude.
Is this your uncle who got fired for being
a pediatrician that crossed the line?
- Nope, that one just got out of jail.
- Okay.
Well, is there any chance
we could stay with him?
I'm guessing that's a no.
- Okay.
- Well.
Oh. Porno. Great.
He used to have
the dopest place in the city,
but I guess catching your wife bang your
best friend can really screw a guy up.
Eesh. Someone married that guy?
Yeah. There's hope for you yet.
Yeah, I don't need hope.
Do you two know what you want?
Uh, are you on the menu?
Ha. Not too good with
the ladies, are you?
- Figure out what you want.
- My shift ends in five minutes.
That's not an invitation.
Uh, I think it was.
What do you think she meant when she
said I wasn't good with the ladies?
That meant that she was
obviously flirting with me.
Great, now you can finally
forget about Allison.
Holy shit!
Well, this is awkward.
That's my dad.
Hawaiian shirt,
headed straight for us!
How did he find us?
You said he was in Japan.
I thought he was.
Come on.
Your jacket.
Okay, here's your salad.
Can I get you
anything else with that?
- Excuse me.
- Oh, my gosh!
Are you okay? Oh, my God.
I'm sorry,
did that spill on you?
Do you think he saw us?
I don't think it's you
he's looking for.
We... We have to follow them.
- Come on!
- What? No, we don't!
Don't get too close.
You know, they say men your father's age
cheat to make themselves feel younger.
She's our age!
How young is he trying to feel?
I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, hold it.
Pull over right here.
- Here?
- Yeah, yeah, stop.
Turn off the car.
There could be a hundred reasons
why an older man would spend time
with an attractive young girl.
wild, crazy, horrifying sex.
I was joking.
Oh, no, Philip!
No, no, bad, bad...
Dude! Dude!
Dude, we need to get out of here.
Seriously, do you want to get caught!
What kind of sick shit's
going on in here?
Come on.
Come on!
What are you doing?
I got to find out somehow.
Dude, dude, I saw my parents having
sex once, and it ruined me for life.
- Hey, honey.
- Hey, Mom.
- How was work?
- It was okay.
Where is she? There's my woman.
My woman, my woman, my...
Hello, my man.
I'm so happy you're home.
I missed...
- Are you more beautiful?
- Hey, Dad!
- What the hell?
- Uh-oh.
Here you go, here you go.
Is this my son or my son?
Oh! It is...
It's so good to be home.
- It's good to have you home.
- Right?
I mean, I love
Japan, but it's just like...
Are you okay?
Philip! Philip, what's going on?
Philip, stop. Stop!
I can't bail you out of jail!
Philip! Stop, stop!
Lewis, he's not just cheating!
He has a second family.
Well, if at first
you don't succeed?
Mom, does this red look
bloody to you?
Mom! A little help here.
Oh, sorry. Uh...
Uh, bloody? Yes, it is very bloody.
It's like a crime scene.
You know, this is nice.
- What is?
- This.
Just you and me. It's quiet.
Eerily so.
You know, you are gonna
have to get used to this.
When your brother goes away to
college, it's just gonna be you and me.
And Dad. You, me and Dad.
Yeah. Of course,
that's what I meant.
Hello, is anybody there?
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, I'm not hungry.
Me neither.
All right, you know what, Phil?
I've been thinking.
Maybe this shit with your dad is the best
thing that could've ever happened to you.
- How's that?
- You finally found your dad's Kryptonite!
No more curfews,
no more groundings,
you can get anything
you want from him.
You should ask for a car!
You should ask for a Trans Ams.
Trans Ams are are cool.
Okay, he's not buying me a car.
He's gonna say,
"You're not responsible enough."
Or, "You haven't earned it.
You're not perfect enough."
Sounds like he's the one
who's not perfect.
You know what? You're right.
I am?
I mean, look at the guy!
He's cheating on my mom.
He's lying to
practically everyone!
You know, he's the fuck-up.
I'll bet Ritchie doesn't even
know what a con man he really is!
He's always saying,
"Be more like Ritchie's kids."
Ritchie's daughter
has an after-school job,
"Ritchie's son has
this football scholarship..."
- Oh, my God!
- What?
Those are Ritchie's kids.
- Who's Ritchie?
- His dad's best friend from work.
I've never met him. Nobody has.
Ritchie doesn't exist.
My dad is Ritchie.
So, your whole life you've been compared
to your real brother and sister?
That's messed up.
What do you think he's
telling them about you?
I'll get it!
Uh... You're the kid from the
pool, right?
Is your father home?
Are you stalking me?
No, no, I'm not like that at all
I'm just... Ritchie's son.
Right. You're, uh, Peter.
- Philip.
- That's it. The rock star.
Right, yeah. Ah, so...
Frank said that if I was ever in
town, I should just stop on by.
- You've met my dad?
- We go way back.
Come in.
I never met Ritchie,
but my dad talks about him all the time.
- Oh, you have a dog.
- That's Elway.
Of course it is.
I'll go get my mom.
They get a dog.
Elway, go. Scram.
Here we are. Try one.
Are those... ears?
Well, don't worry,
they're not real.
The ear is just a metaphor.
Hmm, okay.
Metaphor cookie? Yeah?
Oh! Yeah, that part's
not edible. Sorry.
- What is it?
- Read it. It's a haiku!
Okay. Ah...
"Jacaranda trees.
Tall and reaching. High like me."
So, I'm thinking of
calling them Haiku-kies!
- Do you have any milk?
- Is there too much salt?
- Uh-uh, no.
- Always put too much salt...
Yes, of course, milk.
Coming right up.
Your mom is a really good cook,
isn't she?
She is. Yeah.
From what Frank tells me,
she and I would get along well.
It's just hard to believe
that we still keep
missing each other
after all these years.
Oh! Eddie, come meet Philip,
Ritchie's son.
I thought Ritchie was dead.
- Not that...
- No, sweetheart, Ritchie's not dead.
Good cookie.
Oh. Uh...
Why don't you show Philip
your room?
You guys can hang out until
your dad comes home, and then...
- Oh, that... that's...
- And I'll set an extra place for dinner?
You know what, on second
thought, I don't want to impose.
Oh, not at all!
It's pizza night.
Follow me.
So, pizza night, huh?
We do it every other Wednesday.
Ah, you play football.
My dad loves football.
- All these yours?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, and you fish, too.
My dad and I go fishing
once a month.
You guys must be close.
He's gone a lot for
work, so we try and make
the most of his time at home.
Do you fish?
No. My father's
never taken me fishing.
We're more like boss
and employee than family.
He'd probably fire me if he could.
He gives me quarterly performance reviews.
Hey, me too.
Yeah, but you must get like
extra points 'cause of varsity.
Varsity this year, captain next,
scholarship to a Big Ten
after that.
I don't want to play
professionally, just a free ride.
Plus the other perks.
Wow, you've really
thought this out.
Is this a... souvenir?
My dad got that in Japan.
Japan, yeah.
It's funny,
I have the exact same one.
No way.
Way. Totally.
Pizza's here!
Sorry it took so long.
It was packed.
I don't know what that's about.
But you know who
I ran into? Stan Kempler.
Yeah, they're going
up to the lake tonight.
And I was like, "You know what, I think
we're probably gonna go up tomorrow."
But I didn't want to commit because I don't
want to get trapped into an obligation.
Anyway, guess what
Stan brought up?
Troy made varsity. Like he should've.
I mean, the guy's a junior, right?
The weird thing is, it's like,
I don't mind him bragging about his son.
'Cause, you know,
he loves his son and I love Eddie,
Eddie is a sophomore,
he's already gonna make varsity.
But the way he talks
about Troy seems dishonest.
Oh! I told you
he'd be surprised.
Smooth move, Dad.
- I can explain...
- Frank, it's Philip!
- Yeah, I... You know...
- Ritchie's kid, the guitar guy.
Ritchie's kid?
Philip, the Ritchie's...
sit down and talk to Philip.
He's been waiting to see you.
- I'll get it.
- Are you sure? Be careful, grab a towel.
Philip. Ritchie's son...
Hey, Frank.
Wh-What are you doing down here?
Up here? Why are you here?
Oh, uh, spring break.
You were specifically told you
couldn't go on spring break.
I mean...
that's what Ritchie mentioned.
Yeah, he did.
But he changed his mind.
Is that so?
He's been changing
his mind a lot of lately.
Ever since I caught him
cheating on my mom.
Oh, Philip, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, you know, it's partly the
reason I wanted to come up here.
Frank, talk to you,
given that you're
so close to my dad.
Have you...
Have you told your mother?
Still thinking about it.
Well, there's two sides
to every story.
So it seems.
That sucks. Can we eat now?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Pizza.
Yeah, pizza.
- You... you want pizza?
- Mm-hmm.
I hear you guys eat it
every other Wednesday.
It's thoughtful to give
your family such a treat.
Well, um...
this has been an enlightening
conversation and all, but I'm out.
See you guys sometime tomorrow.
- Have fun, honey.
- Thanks.
You're not going to ask her where
she's going or when she's coming back?
We trust her.
She's earned our trust.
Well, if you'll excuse me.
I think I'm going to be sick.
- He's fine. Maybe I'll...
- Should I...
I'll check on... Make sure
he finds the bathroom.
Yeah, I got it. I'm all right.
- Philip...
- Wow, this place is great.
I see why you love
traveling so much.
I know how you must feel.
I never meant to hurt you.
You never meant to get caught.
You don't know the whole story.
It's complicated.
Seems complicated, yeah.
Except not. I mean,
it makes sense.
Your work schedule.
Your control issues.
Where does your mother
think you are right now?
Oh, it's fine. She thinks I'm at
Lewis' studying. Yeah, I left a note.
It's not a great lie, but I haven't
had your years of experience.
- Are you enjoying this?
- Yes. Yes, I am.
This isn't some game, Philip.
This is everyone's lives
you're playing with.
Well, lucky for you,
you have a spare.
Yeah, I don't expect you
to understand,
but I did this
for you and your sister.
And brother.
It does sound strange
finally hearing it.
You did this for you.
You felt trapped. You got out.
Sounds familiar.
What do you want me
to say, Philip?
You caught me, what now?
What do you want me to do?
Tuition to NYU.
You have your escape.
I want mine.
You're blackmailing me?
You think you can...
- Frank, Frank?
- Yeah, hon?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Ah, I just had a thought.
Why doesn't Philip spend the night?
- Ah...
- Oh, my God, I'd love to.
Great! Oh, good.
Well, just head on up to Eddie's room and
tell him to make up the spare bed for you.
And we'll have a fun sleepover.
Well, I could use some fun.
It's been a while.
Okay, we should call his family.
And let them know that he's here.
Yeah, I... I'll handle it.
Oh, that poor kid. Did you know?
- No.
- Ritchie didn't tell you?
I guess I don't know him
that well.
Well, then this must be hard
for you too.
You would consider him
to be a trusted friend.
I'm so mad at him.
Yeah, I mean, he's gonna get
an earful from me.
But you know what, Bon,
- let me just get some of this stuff.
- Yeah, sure.
- I'll meet you upstairs.
- Okay, okay. All right.
Oh, I'll get your tea.
Yeah, thanks, hon.
Fuck me.
- What are you doing?
- Going for a run. Wanna come?
I'm good, thanks.
You ready, Eddie?
Oh, on second thought,
I'll come.
We're going jogging.
- Yeah.
- Good.
Philip's coming.
What's with you guys?
We'll catch up.
My shoe's untied.
I thought you could use
a breather.
Oh, you lied for me.
How thoughtful.
Are you sure he's your son?
He's in training. Wouldn't kill
you to have a little more regimen.
It might.
You didn't have to come running.
You kidding?
I love watching you sweat.
Wait up, Eddie! Ooh!
Oh, name-brand soda, huh?
My dad always makes us
buy generic.
That sucks. We do it because
my grandfather died at 50.
So, we live it up
while we can. Right, Dad?
Oh, wow.
We have so much in common.
My grandfather died at 50.
Always be prepared.
Ah! I call first shower!
I hope you're having fun,
because you're jeopardizing
everything with your rookie mistakes!
Saying your
grandfather died at 50
right after Eddie said his grandfather
died at 50 is bush league, man.
Okay, I'm sorry I don't know
all your covert rules.
Only offer
information when asked.
When asked a question,
always answer with a question.
Okay. Here's one.
What's gonna happen when you get caught?
I'm gonna walk into traffic.
And on the off chance I survive,
it's hard to be mad at a man
in a full-body cast.
Are we good? I got to get this.
Yeah, we're good.
Nice to see that
some things are the same.
Of course, you paint.
Yes, well, I'm not much good
at anything else.
Somehow I doubt that.
- Ooh!
- Oh, God.
- Sorry.
- It's okay. Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
That's fine.
I do it all the time.
Okay. Sorry.
You must think it's strange
I keep painting the same thing.
No. I...
But actually they're all just
a little bit different. See?
Here's a cute little gnome.
- And then this guy.
- Wow.
No matter how many times
I paint the same landscape,
there's always something
hiding there.
And I get to find it.
Plus, it's a bestseller.
And then there's that.
Thanks, darling.
I'm headed to town to drop
these off. You wanna come with?
You got Grandma Ruth's car!
I thought they sold it at auction.
You knew my grandma?
My dad mentioned her.
I think he met her once.
Must have been back
when she bought it.
'Cause she died
before I was born.
Sorry to hear that.
Are your grandparents
still alive?
Uh, yeah, three of them are.
Do they bake pie and shit?
My dad said his mom baked the
best rhubarb pie in the world.
You know what? I'm really looking
forward to riding in this thing.
Does it get good mileage?
No, it sucks.
Not as bad as your ensemble.
My what?
I get the whole ironic look, but do
you ever think about changing it up?
I mean, at least
changing the shirt.
What... I lost my luggage.
Perfect excuse for a detour.
Here. Try this on.
Don't I need like a goatee
for this or something?
But give it a shot anyway.
All right.
What do you think about this?
It's kinda slutty, right?
It... kinda... yeah.
Yeah, it's a bummer about your parents.
I always envied their story.
What story?
Living in the same hometown that
they had their first kiss in,
king and queen of the prom.
It's so old-fashioned and cute.
I should have known
it was too good to be true.
Are you gonna tell your mom?
Wouldn't you want to know
if you were her?
No. Not really.
I like the new Philip.
What do you think of this?
We should go.
Shouldn't take too long.
Now I'm actually kind of
regretting that I got this watch
because if I had gotten
the pink one, then it kind of...
Hey, Allison!
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Uh...
- Philip.
- Right.
- Or Phil, you know, whatever.
- Is this your car?
- It is.
It was a gift
from my grandmother.
Oh, that's cool.
- What are you guys up to?
- Oh, we're going to the Starling Festival.
Are you going?
Oh, no, I'm super busy.
Doing what?
My band is performing.
That's awesome. Like at a bar?
No, it's like a private event,
but we're like playing
this week, so...
That's really cool.
Well, maybe you can come to the lake
after, when you're done.
I'll try, yeah.
Cool. Hope to see you there.
All right, see you around.
Do you mind?
Oh, um, yeah.
That a friend of yours?
It's complicated.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Kels.
Ugh. Are you trying
to look homeless.
Who are you supposed to be?
Do you really want me to
answer that question.
Where are we going?
To the lake.
And we are not going anywhere.
What's this?
You win.
That's what you wanted, right?
- Yeah.
- So now you can leave.
You know, I thought
you'd be celebrating.
I'm thrilled.
- I'll just call Lewis to come pick me up.
- Hey, hey...
We have an agreement, right?
I mean...
After... After you leave,
my secret stays here, right?
You know, the worst thing
about all of this is that...
I spent so many years of my
life being disappointed in myself.
Really, I just should've been
disappointed in you.
Absolutely not.
Bon, he's...
He's on spring break.
He's a teenager. He doesn't want
to go to a lake with a family.
Frank, he's not here for spring break.
He's here for you.
You talk about Ritchie's kids
like they were your own.
And right now he could
really use a father like you.
Bon, I'm gonna have to say no.
Everybody bring
food to the kitchen.
Wow, I stayed in a place
like this when I was a kid.
There was an outhouse
in the back with a moon on it.
My sister and I thought
it would be funny
if we carved a clover and a
horseshoe in it, like the cereal.
And when we came back,
- someone had carved...
- A diamond.
We carved that.
Is he talking about this place?
He is. Ritchie and I
shared the cabin back then.
We tried to get
the families together
I guess five years in a row,
but it never happened.
Eddie, can you grab my bag?
We came here a few times.
It was nice.
Ritchie always thought
you hated this place.
Well, I didn't.
So what about that girl, Cindy?
Dad, I have lots of girls.
Oh, yeah.
I remember when you didn't
even like bratwurst,
now you love it.
You know why you love
it, 'cause it's the way I cook it.
Hey man, good to see you.
- Yeah, good to see you too.
- Yeah, it's been a long time.
Let's go, you guys.
- You ready to do this?
- Looking very summery.
I have a football,
would you like to lose again?
Why don't you spot me seven, and you
can play your favorite game of catch-up.
So here's what we'll
do, we'll do four downs.
Got it.
- And then you guys will lose.
- You wish, Frank.
Just like we practiced.
- Want a beer?
- What are you doing? Are you crazy?
- What?
- He's right there!
What, my dad?
Don't worry about him.
He says he'd rather we drink
in front of him
than get drunk like
stupid teens at a party.
- Oh, does he now.
- I'm like Boomer Esiason.
All right, well, cheers.
One Mississippi,
two Mississippi...
I don't understand.
It's spring break,
your parents let you do
whatever you want.
Shouldn't you be cutting loose?
The whole teen rebellion act is
such a cliche. Don't you think?
Depends on who
you're rebelling from.
That's got to hurt.
Does it hurt
more ego than anything?
I figured I better spend as much
time with my folks as I can now,
since I'm moving
to New York in the fall.
Wait. You are?
Yeah, I got into
New York University.
Your parents are letting you
go to NYU?
Yeah, I got in and they were like,
have fun a thousand miles away.
I'm not complaining,
but they treat me like I'm a stranger.
No, they treat you
like you're an adult.
- Nailed it!
- Okay!
I don't think that was fair.
It was off-sides.
Can you get my back?
Yeah. Yeah, I'd love
to get your back...
I'm open!
Come on, Dad, I'm deep!
- Throw the ball!
- I'm coming to get you.
do you have a girlfriend back home?
Yes. No. I don't know. It's...
You don't know? Sounds like
you take after your dad.
Okay, please don't say that.
I think I know
why you tagged along.
You do?
Oh, my God! Dad!
Trick elbow.
- Thanks.
- Sorry about my dad.
He can be intense sometimes.
You think?
Whose guitar is that?
I think it's my dad's. But I'm not sure.
It's always sat in that corner.
I'm glad you came actually.
Takes his focus off me for once.
I thought you guys always did
this kind of thing.
You know, jogging, football.
Monthly fishing trips.
I love my dad. I like football.
But I hate fishing.
Don't tell him I said that.
He's pretty sensitive.
I wouldn't wanna hurt
his feelings.
I don't think he's
as sensitive as you think.
Anyways, I've been doing what
he wants for so long
I don't even know
what I like anymore.
I only know what I'm good at.
You should stick up for yourself.
Tell him what you don't like.
Then we'd never
do anything together.
Or maybe you'd do the things
that you actually like to do.
Is that how it is with your dad?
Uh, no. Not really.
Troy's got skills. You saw
him out there today. He's going D-1.
- Troy will go D-1?
- I think so.
That kid's a stud.
You know he's killing it with the ladies.
- He is?
- Yeah.
I found five sticks
of lipstick in his room.
That seems like
a lot of lipstick.
Stan was so happy to hear that
Frank was in town this weekend.
Ha! Me too.
You get a chance to talk
to Frank about staying home more?
I brought it up to him
just like you suggested.
- And he agreed.
- What?
He's going to hire someone else to go
back and forth so he can be home with us.
- Honey, that's fantastic.
- I know.
- Cheers.
- It was so easy.
Congratulations, I'm so glad.
Thank you for giving me
the support.
No, honey, you just needed
a little nudge.
What do you got,
a moral problem with them?
Come on, Frank, we can't all
be Puritans like you.
Bill Clinton messed up. It's not like he's
gonna do it again when he's president.
I guess no one
ever taught that kid manners.
You know what, I'm gonna...
- I'm gonna get some more chips, okay?
- All right.
I'll take over.
I'm gonna save them here.
Ah, shit.
Is this yours?
My dad gave it to me in college,
but I wasn't any good.
Go ahead. Play.
No thanks. I'm not in the mood
for you to criticize me
and tell me how much I suck.
Stanley Kempler!
I'm only giving you this
if you catch up.
Warm and cheap.
Wait, I'll get it. Okay.
Kelly? Kelly,
is this your boyfriend?
- No!
- No!
- Marcy, don't embarrass the girl.
- I mean...
I'm not embarrassed.
I don't have a boyfriend.
Philip is Ritchie's kid.
- Frank, did I meet Ritchie?
- Ah...
He's very elusive.
I'll give him that.
You know, I could go
for some after-dinner music.
- What do you say?
- Ooh, yeah. Good idea.
What do you say, Philip?
We got the campfire,
starry night.
We got the makings for a good,
old-fashioned sing-along.
Or a witch burning.
Bonnie, don't we have
that guitar in the cabin?
We do. We also have a rifle.
Give the kid a break.
He's going to be
a big ol' rock star.
I want to say I heard him
way back when.
Not trying to be a rock star.
- You don't know anything about me.
- You're right.
Neither does your father,
according to you.
He doesn't want
to know anything about me.
That's for sure.
- What's going on?
- I don't know.
Maybe it's the other way around.
You ever thought about that?
Do you know what your father
gave up just to have you?
Do you know anything
about your father?
- Frank!
- Besides the fact that he's a liar?
Yeah, besides that.
I do know that he gives me
zero encouragement.
Oh, encouragement.
To what? To fail?
To make a fool of yourself?
Okay, Frank, that's enough.
Maybe he just wants to know that
you can make the right decisions.
Oh, you mean his decisions.
Yeah, I followed
in my father's footsteps,
and I turned out fine.
Yeah, you did.
And I'm sure he'd be very proud.
Excuse me, everyone.
He was actually!
Frank, what are you doing?
I'm defending my friend!
From his kid?
- God, Dad! You're such an asshole?
- Oh, Kelly...
Okay, Kelly, get back here! We don't
talk to each other in this family that...
No, she's right.
Let her go.
You know they only use this
place for hookups now, right?
I won't ask you
how you know that.
Sorry about my dad. That was
a total dick thing to say.
- He's normally not like that.
- You sure?
I'm not sure
of anything anymore.
Well, neither am I.
So we're in this together.
Do you want to go get drunk?
Ah, yeah. Let's do that.
As quickly as possible, too, if we could.
How was this cow milked?
I believe with a great deal
of love. Now, eat your dinner.
That's a lot of food
for just the two of us.
Well, I made some
for your brother, too.
Actually, he was
supposed to be home by now.
Hi Barb, it's Laura.
I'm good. I'm good, thank you.
I was hoping you could
send Philip now.
Because I thought he was gonna
be home for dinner tonight and...
He's where?
Can you believe this crowd?
There's something so pathetic
about a bunch of high school kids
who think that a week
of acting like idiots
is gonna make up for four years
of being a wallflower.
Yeah. What losers.
I need to find the bathroom
and you need to find us drinks.
Drinks. On it!
Oh, hey!
Will Philip be joining us tonight
or are we stuck with his evil twin?
What are you doing here?
What, did you think I was sitting
at home waiting for your call?
Sorry. I mean, things
have been a little crazy.
I saw you walk in
with the prodigal daughter.
How come you can hang around her
without freaking out?
She's way hotter than Allison.
- Because she's my sister.
- She's your half-sister.
That doesn't make it any better.
Correction. It's half-better.
Philip. Hey!
Allison. You're here! I...
It's my party, silly.
Of course I'm here.
You're party. Okay.
How do you two know each other?
We don't. We met
on the drive up here.
- So, yeah.
- Okay.
You need to come with me.
This line is for the schleps.
Okay? I have the hard
stuff for the VIPs hidden.
Eddie? Are you awake?
I'm supportive, right? Of you?
Not at the moment.
Do I encourage you
to follow your dreams?
Yes. Can I go back to sleep?
Because Philip's not like you.
He's less sure of himself.
Do you mind if I take him
fishing tomorrow morning?
I think it would be
good for him.
Just this once.
Just this once, okay.
Just this once...
No, no, don't say that. They're
not groupies. They follow the band.
I knew I recognized
you from somewhere!
One second, one second!
You like her, don't you?
Is it that obvious?
You have a terrible poker face.
You want my advice?
Please do not tell me
to be myself.
God no. Let the girl be herself.
You think boys are the only ones
that make shit up to get laid?
I've been telling everyone
this is my house.
- What are you doing?
- Sleeping.
- Passed out. I got home late.
- In your sister's bed?
First of all, eww.
Come on. We're going fishing.
If this is your sick way of telling me that
I'm sleeping with the fishes, I get it.
Can't a father
take his son fishing?
Every month, apparently.
- Eddie hates it, you know.
- I know.
Then why do you
drag him out here?
Because he lets me.
Give me the blue chair.
Blue chair. Other blue.
Relax, Philip. Have a beer.
It's spring break.
That'll have to do.
You know the Frank that I grew
up wouldn't even drink beer,
certainly not first thing
in the morning.
I don't even recognize you.
It's like you're two different people.
It feels like
a lot more than that.
You have more families!
God, no! Two's enough.
One's enough.
I... I didn't mean for this
to happen. You know that.
This was a mistake.
How? How was
all of this a mistake?
You wouldn't understand.
Dad, okay, I really hate when
you tell me that, all right?
- I'm not a kid anymore.
- Yes, you are.
You're the same age I was when I
met your mother in high school.
We were kids. And what I thought
were adult decisions back then
were just stupid
childish idealisms.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I've
completely thrown idealism out the window.
No, that doesn't make me
feel better.
You have to know, Philip,
there was a time when I thought
your mother was the one.
I really did.
Our parents were close friends.
They loved Laura.
I did what everyone
did back then.
I asked your mother to marry me.
After our engagement party, Dad
surprised me and promoted me,
sent me up here
to open his new plant.
And that's when you met Bonnie?
She was standing
outside of Lacy's gift shop...
carrying all these canvases.
She tripped or something and all
these paintings fell on the sidewalk.
I went over,
kneeled down to help her...
and when I did,
she looked at me.
Felt like the first time
anyone ever really saw me.
And we spent some time together
and I felt like I could
be myself with her.
Not just who
I was supposed to be.
I didn't mean to lie to your mom
or cheat or anything.
It just happened.
I knew I had to tell her,
I had to tell both of them,
but I wanted to be strategic.
So once I figured out my plan,
I drove back home one weekend
and I was gonna
come clean to your mom.
I was gonna tell her, "Look,
I found someone. We fell in love."
We got to call off
the engagement."
But when I drove into
your mom's parents' house,
she was standing outside,
saying, "I'm pregnant."
With me?
So, I'm the mistake?
No, Philip.
I'm the mistake.
And then, so you married her
because she was pregnant.
It was the right thing to do.
Did you tell her about Bonnie?
I told her when I was up here,
I met someone and that...
it was a fling, but I ended it.
But when I came up here to tell Bonnie
that it couldn't work out with us...
she told me was pregnant too.
Jesus, Dad!
I didn't know what to do.
I was frozen.
I don't know why you didn't
just tell Mom from the get-go.
Why didn't you
just tell her the truth?
Then what happens?
She leaves me, they both leave me.
That's a paralyzing thought.
I'd lose both of them.
But what I was most frightened
of losing were my kids.
I remember the day
you were born.
I held you, I looked
into your wrinkly face.
And I thought I could never leave
Laura, because I could never leave you.
I'm not crazy.
I... I knew it couldn't last.
I just thought I'd hold on
a little longer, while I...
found a way out.
But I never did.
Well, I...
At least I have Grandma Ruth.
Kelly doesn't even know
that she's alive.
- Which is pretty messed up, Dad.
- I know.
Man, there had to be
sacrifices with each family.
Whoa, shit! What do I do?
- Hey, hey!
- Reel it in!
I don't know how to fish.
You haven't taught me to fish.
- Reel it in, reel it in.
- Wait, wait!
At least I taught you
how to swim.
Next time I'd use
the pole to try and catch it.
Just figured
I'd do it yourself...
I know you're good with your
hands, but that's just...
Guys, guys!
Oh, hey.
Where the hell you guys been?
I've been trying to find you for hours.
I took my son fishing.
Well, I hope your wife likes fish
then, because she's on her way.
You're going to have to be
more specific.
Your mother's going to kill you.
Then she's gonna
ground you. Hard.
Your weekend of teenage
debauchery is officially over,
at least that is what
we need her to believe.
There's no reason she should
think I was ever here.
Buck up, kiddo. I'll do damage control
when I'm home in a couple of days.
Wait, you're staying here?
Of course I am.
This is my vacation.
- Here. Take it.
- What, you don't want it?
I know the real reason you wanted me to
go to State is because Kelly got into NYU.
And you didn't want us to meet.
Actually, the reason
I wanted you to go to State
is so that we could
spend more time together.
How do I know you're not lying?
I guess you don't.
I don't even know
what I'd do at NYU anyhow.
What about when everyone
comes to parents' weekend?
I'm already exhausted,
and it's only been like two days.
You know you were going,
like, a hundred, right?
That's his concern
at this moment?
You're staying here?
It's not ideal. But it's free.
Is this jelly?
Uncle Ross, what are you doing?
Charging up.
- Can we get him out of here?
- Yeah, okay.
Okay, come on.
No, no, we'll get it.
- I just sat down.
- Yeah, we're gonna get some fresh air.
Come on. Fresh air.
No, no, no...
- Yeah, that'll be there when we get back.
- Who the fuck is this guy?
Hi, I'm Frank.
What's Frank doing here?
- We're leaving and you're staying?
- Yeah.
It's Philip's dad,
don't worry about it, okay?
Why is he here?
Wow, okay, let's get rid
of everything illegal.
Like a three-foot bong.
- Whoa.
- It's a bit messy back there.
Oh, God...
- "Alien Juggs"?
- It wasn't good.
That'll have to do.
Okay, I'm gonna be back
from Japan on Tuesday.
Okay, so it's like
back to normal.
- Yeah. Back to normal.
- Got it.
Wow, it's weird.
I had a real fun time, you know?
Me too.
It's kind of like I'm
your accomplice now.
Well, that's better than
my extortionist.
- Oh, it is!
- Philip...
In that case, you don't have
to choose them over me.
I could see you on
Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Philip. You can't be
my accomplice.
Things have to go back
to the way they were before.
I... I can't risk
losing everyone.
I hope you understand that.
Yeah, yeah, I do...
All right, I should go.
Your mom'll be here in a minute.
What... You're supposed
to be in Japan.
You didn't tell her?
I told her nothing.
The Japan trip was canceled.
- What?
- Yeah, I went home,
saw that note
this numskull wrote
and smelled some BS and then...
- Took... I came up here.
- Yeah.
And then saw him,
and here we are.
Why didn't you let me know?
I thought I'd have him home
before you even noticed.
But once I got up here, I started thinking
about what you said the other night,
about Philip and I spending more
time alone, and you were right.
Ever since Lewis and his uncle
went up to the lake,
it's just been me and mi amigo.
- Yeah.
- Hanging out, talking.
Like talking... Not as like father and
son, but more as like...
- People.
- People.
And it's been... It's been
my favorite moment ever, right?
- Such a good time.
- Yeah.
And I see you two, doing
the Mom and daughter bonding
and I don't want to
interrupt that at all.
So you guys probably want
to get back on the road.
Have you seen the ice cream
shop that's on the...
Actually, no,
we don't want to get back on the road.
You know what, Laura,
you don't want to stay here, do you?
I am not going anywhere.
You come and go as you please,
and so can I.
And besides, I haven't been
up here in a long time.
And it's the Starling Festival and
I really, really want Lib to see it.
Don't drag me into this.
That's exactly what
I wanted you to say.
I'm thrilled you're staying.
Hey, I'm gonna go to the lake
and fetch Lewis and his uncle.
Why don't I go? I'll go, you stay
here with your mom and your sister.
And make sure they don't catch
the black plague.
I'll be right back, hon.
Huh. Never seen one this big...
Oh, hey, Dad!
He left his keys.
- Mom?
- Yes, darling.
Is that a bullet hole?
Yeah, no no!
Don't touch anything.
Hey! What are you doing?
- Waiting for my keys.
- Dad! What's the plan?
I don't know yet.
Go back inside.
I'll make this work.
Do you think this is
my first close call?
You're the one who wanted
to be my accomplice,
now's your chance.
Trial by fire.
Like the Hindenburg.
Things always have a way
of working out.
Just occupy your mom and sister
for a couple hours.
Take them into town,
have her buy a painting.
What, like one
of Bonnie's paintings?
Can you do that? Yes or no.
Yeah. What are you gonna do?
Just go back up.
I'll figure it out.
I have a plan.
So, let me get this straight.
You're Philip's real dad,
and I'm pretending to be his
fake dad who doesn't even exist.
In a nutshell.
I should punch you
in the face right now.
Maybe later, but for now let's
stick with elaborate deception.
I written out a few notes,
a couple stories.
When in doubt, a simple "I don't
want to talk about it" will do.
I work at a ketchup company?
We work together at a ketchup company.
And we're best friends.
Okay, what's
my favorite type of car?
You're choice.
- I like Mustangs.
- All right, fine, you like Mustangs.
How did you know
I was allergic to cilantro?
I didn't know
you were allergic to...
- But you wrote it down.
- That was a detail about Ritchie.
I was drunk and I said
you were allergic to cilantro.
Can you please focus here?
How long did you know my best
friend was fucking my wife?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
All you need to concentrate on
is you work at a ketchup factory.
Okay. It's better
than mustard, I guess.
Everybody likes ketchup.
Uncle Ross? Are you okay?
I think I'm depressed.
Maybe sitting inside all day
smoking pot isn't helping.
I'm self-medicating, Frank.
There's no way anyone would
ever think pot is medicine.
Okay, I don't mean
to sound selfish,
but where am I going to sleep?
How do you feel about camping?
I mean...
It has its appeal.
All right, I'll get you
a sleeping bag and a tent.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
All right, we got to go.
Listen, I know we don't know
each other that well...
Or at all. But I want you
to know, I'm counting on you.
My children are counting on you.
Wipe the tears
out of your eyes, okay?
Bon, Kelly, this is
Philip's dad, Ritchie.
Come on.
Don't be shy.
This is... Kelly.
He gets claus... Ritchie?
Rich. Rich!
He looks like
he hasn't bathed in weeks.
He's pretty down about it all.
Where's Philip?
Blowing off steam in town.
He's not ready to see his father just yet.
He asked for our help.
From what Philip's said,
his father seems like he's beyond help.
It's possible Philip
Who's the guy taking a leak
off the dock?
I should go find Philip.
Yeah, do that.
I like that
little sculpture there.
Yeah, it's nice.
This town does have its charm.
Yeah, do you miss it?
Sometimes. But I never really
loved it the way your father did.
Hey, look.
Maybe our old cabin is for rent.
Oh, yeah. Maybe
we should try and get it.
This isn't happening.
He's a moron.
This guy's a moron.
I can't understand you.
Hey. Are you sure?
- Positive.
- Positive.
Go ahead.
- What? I...
- Fuck!
Are you crazy? Why would
you let them go in there?
What was I supposed to do?
You're a teenager.
Make something up.
Out of the two of us,
who do you think is the better liar?
Fine! All right.
I'll handle this.
- Okay.
- Follow my lead!
Hey! I thought
I'd find you guys here.
Oh, you know, isn't this right
around where we used to stay?
It was so long ago
I don't really remember.
That's kinda close to
the picnic area.
It might be noisy.
What if we were over here?
That way we have
the lake in-between us
and the noisy teenagers.
Well, he's a teenager. He might enjoy
being close to it, right, Philip?
- Uh...
- All right, what about this one?
Oh, well actually
that looks good.
Right? What do you think,
- That sounds great.
- We'll take it.
Great. I'll get you the keys.
We didn't actually bring any hot dogs
with us. Where did you find those?
The cooler over there.
Very tasty.
Dude, that's not ours.
- That things been there for years.
- Delicious.
Aged nicely.
I haven't been outside in ages.
It's beautiful.
A really nice place
you got here.
Didn't this used to be
your nice place?
I don't want to talk about it.
Looks like a beaut.
Yeah, it's not bad.
You know what, Philip and I will get this.
You guys go on in.
You sure?
- Yeah!
- Okay.
Check it out.
It smells.
Oh, that's just nostalgia.
Okay, now that your mother
has the cabin,
we can get Ross back to his
place before he blows our cover.
And what exactly is "our cover"?
Ross is at Bonnie's
pretending to be Ritchie.
That's awesome.
He's probably weeping in a corner.
That works for our story.
It's fine.
It's not fine! If Bonnie finds
out, then Mom's gonna find out!
- And then...
- Calm down. Trust me.
All you got to do is go over to Bonnie's
and make up with your dad, Ritchie.
Then you both leave.
You come here.
Ross goes back to his vortex
he crawled out of.
And then you're out of it, okay?
You guys, what's the holdup?
We're just having
a little man-to-man talk.
Talking like guys, you know?
Sports, drinking, strippers.
- What?
- Less is more.
Actually, Philip and Lewis
had a small disagreement.
- About what?
- Girls.
- Ohhh. Yeah.
- A girl.
- Ladies of the evening.
- No, a girl.
so I'm gonna go apologize to him.
Like I said, you should
apologize, you should come clean.
- Honesty is the best policy.
- Policy. You got it. Thanks, Dad.
I thought Lewis was gay.
You and Philip seem better.
We are.
You and Lib having fun?
Yeah. Though, of course,
she'd never admit it.
It is really nice being back here.
This town has barely changed.
Maybe we should come up
here for Labor Day.
That's a good one.
What's so funny?
Oh, come on, Frank.
Let's not kid ourselves.
This place hasn't changed,
but we have.
You know, we don't even know how
to talk to each other anymore.
Laura, I know there are
a lot of things I...
wish I had done differently,
if I could go back.
I'm gonna go get the cooler.
- I can get it.
- No, I got it.
Look, why don't I just...
No, I've got it.
- What's his name?
- I'm not gonna tell you.
- There you are!
- Hey, uh...
My dad here?
He's in the shower.
But he should be out soon.
Where have you been?
Well, I've been out.
Getting some air.
- Scoping the scene.
- Son!
- I've missed you so much.
- Hey. Yeah.
I've missed you, too, Dad.
Yeah, hey, let's talk.
- What?
- We just need to bury the hatchet.
Okay. Where do they keep it?
No, we just...
We have to make up in front of them,
and then we can get out of here.
Now? Bonnie's making tacos.
Just, okay.
So, Dad, um...
I've been thinking
about it a lot and I...
I forgive you.
Well, I don't forgive you.
You ready for my comeback?
I'm feeling lucky now.
Hit me.
Booyeah! Blackjack.
What'd I tell you?
There you go. Pay up, kid.
Another roll. Give it to me.
- Keep it coming.
- You think you can beat your dad?
Me? Yeah. I'll try.
- Good, good for you. Maybe that one there?
- Yeah.
This one.
Probably this one here...
He's late.
Late for what?
Well, for... this!
You know. Family time.
Exactly. Why should I be
the only one to suffer?
I should go get him.
Well, well, well. Look who finally
decided to show up for Taco Night.
- Hey!
- Hey, Dad.
I'm gonna wash up.
You know what?
I'm gonna wash up too.
What's taking so long?
It's like a hostage situation
in there.
Ritchie, I mean Ross,
refuses to make up with me.
Does Bonnie think he's your dad?
- Yeah.
- Great!
Fine. Then follow my lead.
I'll handle it.
Wait, wait. So, Dad,
what happens after this?
Go back to the cabin.
I'll meet you there later.
I mean, what happens
after this weekend. With us.
Are you really going to stop
traveling like Bonnie said?
Stay here with them more?
So, I'm the second family.
Aren't I?
I don't know what you mean.
- Yes, you do.
- Wash your hands.
Never tell
a lie you can't prove.
We are so far from number one
at this point.
- Only vegetables.
- Well, you like hummus.
- I love hummus.
- Yeah, those are chickpeas.
- That's a vegetable.
- I don't think so.
- They're a legume.
- I don't know what that means.
It means it's a vegetable.
Ritchie, Philip has a couple things
he'd like to talk to you about.
So that you can
clear the air here.
I'd appreciate if
you'd keep an open mind.
Sure, yeah. My mind has
never been more open. Shoot.
Okay, um...
I hate you for cheating on Mom.
Philip, you don't hate
your father.
Let him finish, sweetheart.
And your whole life is a lie.
And it makes me feel like I
have nothing real in my life.
And I hate how that feels.
Yeah. I know what you mean.
So, uh...
promise me
you'll never tell her.
- Huh?
- What?
I don't want Mom
to ever know the real truth.
Her or the other woman.
'Cause I don't ever want them
to know what this feels like.
And I know that losing them
will hurt you too.
Philip, your father
can take care of himself.
- No, he can't.
- Yes, he can.
Because he's been
lying his entire life,
he doesn't even know
who he is anymore.
- I'm Ritchie.
- Listen to me, Philip.
- I'm Ritchie.
- Your father is an asshole.
He doesn't know shit from...
- Dad!
- Oh, my God!
- Ritchie!
- No, please!
- Oh, God.
- Stop it!
All right, I'm done here.
I'm done. Let's go.
You heard your father.
Come on. I forgive you or whatever.
Come on.
Honey, are you okay?
Are you sure?
Yeah, yeah.
- I'm fine, I'm fine.
- Oh, God.
- Okay, here we go.
- I'm fine. These tacos are good.
- Ritchie's horrible.
- Yeah, he's got a temper.
Okay, you can go back
to your apartment now.
Go back to my apartment?
And miss the starlings tomorrow?
No, not a chance.
He's just terrible.
Yeah, he's, you know,
he's going through something.
Wait, should he
have left with his father?
Yup. Yeah, they're good.
Mission accomplished.
Listen kid,
you need me right now.
You need me.
And I'm going to be here for you
no matter what.
You're not my dad anymore, so...
Yeah, I know. Do you think
he would say that?
- You don't know my father.
- I do. I do know your father.
I know him very well.
Now you may think you want
to keep his secrets for him.
Hoping it'll somehow protect the
people you love from experiencing pain,
but it won't.
It won't, Philip.
Lies are for cowards.
Your dad is a coward.
Are you?
I got to go.
It's not what it looks like.
Philip, wait. Philip!
Why can't anyone
just tell me the truth?
Wait, wait, hold on. Hold on.
You're mad at me
for lying to you?
What about you, huh?
You're completely unrecognizable.
You're ending up just like your dad,
despite whatever efforts you're making.
Why... Why didn't you
just tell me?
I didn't know how.
- We're best friends.
- I know.
It's just that everybody knows
that you can't keep a secret.
You okay, man?
- Yeah, I'm...
- What's going on?
Nothing I can't handle.
Come on, here. Hug me.
I'll um... see you tomorrow.
Good luck tonight.
Don't do anything
I wouldn't do, all right?
Have a good night.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I was just seeing if they were
setting up for the festival yet.
You're a terrible liar.
I hope I've made you happy.
Of course you have.
Is this about Ritchie?
Yeah. Yeah...
You know I love you, right?
I really do.
I do know.
I love you too.
- Come inside?
- Um...
I'm gonna clear my head
out here a little bit longer.
Okay. But come in soon, hmm?
am I just like Dad?
Parts of you are.
Because I don't
necessarily wanna be.
Philip, your dad has flaws.
But if you keep expecting him
to change his behavior
and you know that he can't,
then you're only going to be
disappointing yourself.
At some point, you just have
to accept his flaws
as part of who he is
and then love him anyway.
Do you... love him?
What kind of question is that?
There you are.
What happened to you?
I was with Lewis. I'm tired.
I think we all are.
I think we should all get to bed.
We've got a big day tomorrow.
- All right, good night.
- Good night.
Is he okay?
He will be.
You going on a run?
No, I mean. Yeah.
But it's a short one.
Give me a second,
I'll grab my shoes.
No, I'd rather
go solo this time.
But I will see you guys
at the Starling Festival.
- Same table?
- Same table!
Do you know the last time
anyone saw a starling
at the Starling Festival?
The very first
Starling Festival!
They based their entire holiday around
something that happened one time.
Every holiday is based off of
something that happened one time.
Um... what?
Where did your father come from?
Jogging. Yeah, he went jogging.
Since when does Dad jog?
Well, I mean, you know,
it's never too late to start. Right, Mom?
I believe it looks like
it's a bit too late for him.
He's fine.
In fact, I'm gonna get him
some water and aspirin.
Why don't you guys head on
down to the Starling Festival?
I will deal with Dad.
And we'll meet you there.
- Okay. All right.
- All right? Yeah.
Don't bother him.
I'll take care of it.
He's cranky when he sweats.
Really shouldn't run
around like that, Dad.
Men your age die
mowing the lawn.
Let's just get through today.
I'm gonna go to the festival,
meet Bonnie.
She'll take me back to the cabin
to mend my sprained ankle.
- You sprained your ankle?
- Of course not.
Anyway, you keep your mother
and Lib here until I get back.
Dad, they're gone.
- What do you mean?
- They left.
I told them we would
meet them there.
Why would you do that?
Because with them gone that
gives us a chance to figure...
Where's my binoculars?
Shit. They're at
the other house.
I thought we could
figure out the plan.
Now there's no plan. No plan!
There's no way we can get there
before they meet each other.
Okay. Well, then, it's settled.
We'll fake our own deaths.
It's over.
No, hey Dad, you've done this
a thousand times!
Come on, I'm sure you have
a dozen ways to figure this out.
It's too late. All right?
They left. They're going
to the same place!
You said there was always
a way of working things out.
What? What do you think,
a speed boat's gonna drop
in the lake
to take us over there,
so they don't meet each other!
- Excited?
- Not really.
You should be.
Sign our petition
for animal rights!
Oh, okay. Hold this. Thanks!
Okay, yeah, I've got it.
Don't worry about me.
Philip, tie it off.
Tie it off, go. Go.
Hi, Bonnie!
Hi, Barb!
Is Dad here yet?
Well, he should be.
I'm gonna try to find Philip.
Okay, we'll see you
at the table. Hi!
Come on!
Dad, you go that way!
I'll get Mom. You get Bonnie.
Hey, there you are!
Can I talk to you?
- Yeah, just...
- Why are you hiding?
Is that girl Allison here?
No, no. I was hiding
from my sister.
Yeah, she's kinda clingy.
Wow, you must think I'm crazy.
Actually, I think you're
the sanest one here.
Wait? When did
your sister get here?
She, uh...
- Dad!
- Hey, buddy.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
I just wanna make sure
your mom has enough ketchup.
Are you mad at me or something?
No. Why would you say that?
You've been acting
really weird lately.
Oh, no.
- I'm sorry, I...
- It's okay.
- We can share.
- Great, thank you!
You didn't go running with me.
You've been gone for a long time and
I just wanted to spend time with you.
I thought
we could throw this Frisbee...
- Dad? Are you even listening to me?
- Yeah, yeah.
I feel like you're avoiding
me, and I just...
I feel like there's
this connection between us.
Like we're two halves of the
same person or something.
I've never been able to be myself
like I am when I'm with you.
And I think you feel
the same way.
Actually, I'm not myself at all.
I'm Ritchie.
It's a family recipe,
you want one?
We haven't spent
much time together.
- I wanna spend time with you.
- Can we talk about this later?
We need to talk now, Dad.
I hate fishing!
And why have you never invited
me to the ketchup factory?
Sorry, kid. Nice shorts.
I got to borrow your dad.
Man stuff.
- Dad!
- Ketchup.
So which one of these guys
is yours?
There. There he is. See?
That guy, the big lug?
Oh, shit. They see us. Wave.
- Hi, sweetie!
- Big smile.
Oh, he's standing
with my husband.
- Keep waving. Big smile.
- I'm waving.
You're Philip's mom?
- You know Philip?
- Yes!
Mom, do we really have to stay
for this pointless ritual?
- Yes, honey, we do.
- Ooh, brownies. Excuse me.
Oh, my, okay. Do you know
where your brother is?
Um... yeah.
He's over there
talking to that girl.
- That's my daughter.
- That's your daughter?
- Yes!
- Oh, my gosh!
I know your dad's an asshole
who doesn't let you do anything,
and mine lets me get away
with murder.
But there is one thing
my dad said I could never do.
- Oh, no...
- What's that?
Fall for you.
- I didn't see that happening.
- No, no, bad lie.
Bad, bad lie.
No, no. No! Stop!
- Frank?
- Frank?
No! You can't kiss him!
- I can kiss whoever I want.
- No, you can't.
- Why?
- 'Cause he's...
your brother!
And my son.
This is a joke, right?
I mean, he's joking.
Kelly, I can explain.
Dad, what's going on?
- Frank?
- Wait, no, Kelly. I...
Why did she call you "Dad"?
Oh, my God.
This is her, isn't it?
What? Her... What?
I have no idea who you are.
I have a very good idea
of who you are.
Frank, what is
she talking about?
I can't believe you.
All these years?
All these years?
You never ended it?
Mom, Mom, it's not
what it looks like.
- I can explain.
- Philip, stop! It's over.
It should never have
gotten this far, I'm sorry.
What is over, Frank?
You can just tell them what you told me!
He never meant to hurt anyone!
Wait a minute, you knew?
Wait? I'm the woman your dad
is having an affair with?
Jesus, Frank,
you involved Philip!
What is wrong with you?
- Dad, who is this woman?
- This is my mom.
- Who are you?
- I'm his son.
This really just gets
better and better.
Mom, you said that we need to
allow people to have their flaws,
that we should accept them,
and not fight them, remember?
I think that's a good idea.
Shut the fuck up!
Philip, this is not a flaw.
This is betrayal.
- Laura...
- What? What are you gonna say?
Come out with it. Come on.
Because after today, I don't want to see
you in anything but a full body cast.
Oh, my God. Is this...
Is this really happening?
Full body cast.
No, no, no!
Hey. Hello. I'm Ritchie.
Are you kidding?
You have really beautiful eyes.
Anyone tell you that?
You know that song
"Brown Eyed Girl"?
Where are you going?
So what's up? What's going on?
What's everyone up to?
If you need someone
to talk to, I'm here.
I'm Ritchie.
- Oh, hey, Allison.
- Hey.
I'm not in a band.
I lied to you. I'm sorry.
But I think I'm
in love with you.
I know what you're doing!
You should! It was your idea!
Ah! That was close.
Is he okay?
I don't know.
Let's just get out of here.
Are we dead?
Is there a Plan C?
I think I pooped a little.
Me too.
But not a little.
Those birds are beautiful.
Are those... starlings?
What if there's more of us?
How do I know the next girl I date
won't be some long-lost half-sister
that tries to make out with me!
Oh, please, we didn't even kiss!
Which of you are
Frank and Philip's family?
Oh, so Philip's doing well.
He's just got a couple of bruises,
but he'll be fine. He's discharged.
Frank, on the other hand,
we're looking at three broken ribs.
No internal bleeding, luckily.
But he does have
a fractured tibia.
- We'll be setting the cast tonight.
- So they're both still alive?
Yes. You're all very lucky.
I wouldn't go that far.
Um... if you guys wanna come see
them, you can follow me.
tell your brother that I'll
be waiting for him in the car.
- You're not going in?
- No, sweetie, I, uh...
I can't.
Go on.
- It's okay.
- Thanks.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Look, I know I owe
all of you an explanation.
I don't know where to start.
You never showed up
to my 7th birthday party.
Was there an emergency at work?
Or were you just with... them?
Laura went into early labor
with Lib.
Wait, what?
And why didn't you come with us to
Uncle Sam's wedding? The real truth.
Eddie fell off his bike
and broke his arm.
All those trips to Japan?
Were you even ever there?
I've never been to Japan.
What the fuck!
Do you think this is okay?
Do you think we feel sorry for
you now that you're lying here?
- No.
- Why did you do this?
I did everything you wanted.
Stop it, stop it.
What does this accomplish?
What's the difference between
one lie and 100?
I just want to hear one
true thing come out of your mouth.
One sliver of honesty.
I thought...
I thought I was doing
the right thing.
I lied, but I never lied
about loving my family.
Bon, you got to forgive me.
Forgive you?
How can I forgive you?
You think
you've done nothing wrong.
I've been living a lie
for 18 years! And you let me.
I'm never forgiving you.
And what's worse is that
now I have to forgive myself
for ever having been
stupid enough to love you.
You coming?
Go. Go!
Come on.
Mom, I'm sorry.
Philip, none of this
is your fault.
None of it.
Are you going to leave him?
But I should have left him
a long time ago.
But, Philip...
He'll always be your dad.
Aren't you
related to The Beatles?
Oh, no, my father is
a philandering mastermind.
What a coincidence. Mine is too.
Looks like we're neighbors.
Is that what we are?
It is if anyone asks.
Hold the door!
You've got to be kidding.
Do you want me
to take the stairs?
I want you to take the window.
See you later, Frank.
Welcome to the dojo.
Shower looks like
someone was murdered in it.
Did you wash your clothes before packing
them? Because I don't think I did.
Hi, Kelly.
I should finish unpacking.
I'd give that some time.
I don't think that'll fix it.
Hey, you never know.
- So this is it?
- Yeah.
This is.
See you at Thanksgiving?
Mom already got Thanksgiving.
New Years' Eve, then.
We'll play it by ear.
I got something for you.
Wait, isn't that yours?
Well, my father gave it to me
in college, but...
it never really belonged to me.
I think it looks better
on you anyway.
Thanks, Dad.
Don't smoke crack.