Being the Ricardos (2021) Movie Script


It was a scary week.
'Cause here's what you got to understand.
A hit television show today
a big hit television show
what does it get?
Ten million viewers.
Let's go crazy and say 15.
15 million viewers,
'cause this is a big, giant hit.
Here's what you got to understand.
I Love Lucy; 60 million.
Oh, yeah.
It's been a long time,
but I remember that week.
That was a scary week.
It was a very scary week.
Those guys scare too easy.
I'm from the Midwest.
I've lived through the Depression,
the Dust Bowl.
I don't scare that easy.
But, yeah, it was a scary goddamn week.
Department stores used to be
open late on Monday nights.
Then they switched to Thursday night.
You know why?
'Cause nobody was leaving home
during I Love Lucy on Mondays.
There was a significant drop-off
in the number of people using water
between 9:00 and 9:30 on Monday nights.
Out of the blue
Everyone almost lost their jobs.
Lucy and Desi almost lost their lives.
Out of thin air.
You're asking when did they find out?
Same time as everyone else,
listening to Walter Winchell.
I'm minding my own business,
listening to Walter Winchell, and bam.
At the end of the broadcast.
This is what you got to understand.
It wasn't small potatoes when Winchell
ended his broadcast by saying
Lucille Ball is a Communist.
Just like that.
Lucille Ball is a member
of the Communist Party.
- Yeah.
- And she'd already seen the magazine story
about Desi when Winchell came on.
The magazine came out on Mondays,
but her publicist brought her a copy
on Sunday night.
What were they doing
when they first heard the news?
What were they doing?
I don't know
what Lucy and Desi were doing,
but it was Lucy and Desi, so they were
either tearing each other's heads off
or tearing each other's clothes off.
It's time America,
time for Walter Winchell.
Presented to you by Gruen,
the Precision watch.
Gruen, the finest watch you can wear.
Gruen, the finest watch you can give,
brings you the man -
Lucy, I'm home.
Where the hell have you been,
you Cuban dimwit?!
Oye, easy does it.
You philandering bongo player!
I was playing cards with
Hey! I was playing cards with coo.
- Oh, damn it.
- You tell me when it starts to hurt.

- The boat? The
- Yes, we were playing cards on the boat.
Since last night? Since 27 hours ago?
- Yes.
- And you couldn't get to a phone?
- No.
- Why?
I was passed out a lot of that time.
That's tomorrow's Confidential.
Why do you even read that magazine?
Why do I even
Well, in this case -
it's 'cause my husband's on the cover
with another woman.
So it caught my eye.
The story chronicles a night on the town
with you and the
That's somebody's niece.
What the hell do I care if
it's somebody's niece? -From Westinghouse.
That's the Westinghouse corporate
You were there.
That's the guy's niece.
That picture was taken last summer.
You're right.
This was taken
at the Westinghouse corporate retreat.
- Yes.
- I apologize.
Hmm. Say, Desi,
I apologize for doubting you -No.
for I see now that this picture
was taken not last Wednesday night
but six months ago
at the Westinghouse corporate retreat,
and I will never doubt
your love for me again.
- Say that.
- No, and you're doing it again.
You're pronouncing it Westing-gouse.
It is Westing-gouse.
Say, G-H-O-S-T.
You don't pronounce an H after a G.
Everything in the magazine was made up?
I haven't read the story in the magazine,
but unless the story's about me
playing cards on the boat
- It's not.
- Then, yes, it's made up.
Amor, get it through your head.
You are the only thing I want.
Well, then you're an idiot.
Ah, come here.
The House Committee
on Un-American Activities is holding
a secret session in California.
The most popular of all television stars
was confronted with her membership
in the Communist Party.
- Wait!
- Wait.
What did he say?
He said, The most popular
of all television stars was
Was confronted with her membership
in the Communist Party.
He could have been talking about
Imogene Coca.
Fuck you.
He was not talking about Imogene Coca.
!!! Hope you enjoy the show !!!
This is nonsense.
It's nonsense, and it will get worse
before it gets better.
Little Rusty Hamer,
when he signed his contract
or the guardian,
whoever signs the contract for him
he had to sign a loyalty pledge.
Did anyone know that?
Is she talking to me?
'Cause she knows I'm here?
She can see me?
Did you know Little Rusty
had to sign a loyalty pledge?
I don't know who the fuck Little Rusty is.
Rusty Hamer from The Danny Thomas Show.
- That's not his name.
- It is his name.
- The littlest kid from Danny's show?
- Yes.
Rusty is the character's name,
not the actor.
They're both named Rusty.
Rusty Williams is played by Rusty Hamer.
And Hamer's a Communist?
He's seven years old.
- And he's interested in politics?
- No, imbecile.
I'm saying he's seven years old
and they made him sign a loyalty pledge.
This is getting out of hand was my point.
Why isn't Danny Thomas's kid
named Rusty Thomas?
Are you drunk?
It's 10:00 a.m., Vivian,
so, you know, of course.
Bob and Jess and I were up all weekend
working on the script
you're about to read,
so on behalf of all of us, I want to say
how much we appreciate your respect.
Believe me, you do not want me
to read this sober.
I'm starting to get a little tired
of your casual insults.
Well, my insults don't feel like
putting on a fucking tuxedo for you, kid.
Jess, why don't you tell your supporting
cast that we don't work for him either.
You all work for me!
Wh What you all
have to understand is this.
Here's what you have to understand.
We're all tense.
Seriously? That was it?
We're all tense.
And the cure for that is just do the show.
Normal production week.
We're gonna need someone
to play Lucy and Ricky.
Those are critical roles.
The two of them are in Desi's office
meeting with the network
and the sponsor right now.
I'm sure there's an explanation.
This will all be over by show night.
One way or the other.
Yeah. No.
Let me be clear.
I said, This will all be over
by show night.
Bill said, One way or the other.
That's gallows humor.
I said, Yeah, but I did not
- The sooner you stop talking
- Yeah.
I think everyone's acquainted,
but let's go around. Joe.
Uh, Joe Strickland, CBS.
Howard Wenke, also CBS.
Roger Otter, Philip Morris.
Irwin Gotlieb, attorney for Desilu.
Sam Stein, attorney for Lucille Ball.
Tip Tribby, VP of Public Relations
for Philip Morris.
Tip, if Winchell had it cold,
he'd have used her name,
it would have been at the top of the show,
not the bottom,
and this morning, we'd be reading about it
on the front page of every paper.
- Am I right?
- Yes.
They don't have it.
Can you see where CBS might be concerned
that there's an it to have?
- Do you see that?
- Uh, couldn't follow you.
Lucy, you need to tell me right here
and now what the hell is going on.
You don't want to talk to my wife
like that, amigo.
Or what, Des, you're gonna beat me up?
Oh, she will.
So we're done with introductions?
I'm not a Communist,
I've never been a Communist,
but technically, yeah, I am.
Jesus Christ.
Do you get what's happening here?
Do you know that this is not funny?
Yes, I do get what's happening,
and, yes, I know it's not funny.
- Lucy
- My father died when I was very young.
I was raised by my mother and my
grandfather, a man named Fred C. Hunt.
I'd like everyone but Howard
to leave the room.
Philip Morris pays for the show.
And they get their money's worth,
so give us a minute, would you?
She's smoking a Chesterfield.
Could she at least smoke one of
the seven brands Philip Morris offers?
Got it. Got it.
Thank you.
Fred C. Hunt, my grandfather,
was a member of the party.
This was in the early '30s.
I was in my early 20s.
He never used the word Communist.
But he cared about workers,
the working man.
He raised my little brother and me,
and I wanted to please him.
So I checked the box.
Back then, it wasn't considered much worse
than being a Republican.
- Have you been to a meeting?
- No.
- Never?
- No.
- You were at a cocktail party,
later you found out that people -No.
Have you ever subscribed
to a publication
My entire relationship with Communism is,
20 years ago, I checked a box.
Why is this coming out now?
The committee investigated her
and cleared her.
But then last week, uh, William Wheeler
convened a special session out here,
a private session, called her in again,
and that's why we're sitting here.
And nobody's picked it up?
Nobody's picked up the story.
Not a single paper, not a single
news network, including your own.
Maybe we're out of this.
We just don't know yet.
When will we?
If you tape a show Friday night,
means you still have a show.
You and me,
we've been through worse than this.
We have?
That's what I thought.
Hey. The whole piece
was invented out of thin air?
- Huh?
- Four pages, 1,500 words?
Are you being funny right now?
That is the second time
someone's asked me that this morning.
I'm Lucille Ball.
When I'm being funny, you'll know it.
They invented the whole thing?
You don't think we got bigger fish to fry?
- They invented the whole thing?
- Yes, they invented the whole thing.
I was on the boat playing cards.
They invented the whole thing,
and I'm angry at them.
And I'll do something about it,
but right now
- Got it.
- Hmm.
You're right.
Say that again. Desi, you're right.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Nothing's gonna happen to you.
I won't allow it.
I just won't.
- You've never done that before.
- I know.
I've seen other people do it
in movies I've been in.
For the love of God, old man,
this isn't hard.
Rusty Hamer plays Rusty Williams
on The Danny Thomas Show.
He's in second grade,
and they made him sign a loyalty oath
when he signed his contract,
which I think is ugly.
I don't know why this is tripping you up.
It wasn't confusing.
There's no such thing as
The Danny Thomas Show.
It's called Make Room for Daddy.
Don't tell me comedy.
And if Little Rusty is a Communist,
then I'm gonna beat the shit
out of a seven-year-old kid.
- I have no problem with that.
- I'm done.
That, right there,
was funnier than anything
you've written so far this year.
That's not
- I've written plenty of funny
- No.

Good morning!
Mm. Don Glass is directing this week?
We'll be fine.
You're wondering what's going on.
No matter what's going on,
we all support you a thousand percent.
I'd like to find out what's going on
before I make that commitment.
A long time ago, Lucy accidentally checked
the wrong box on her voter registration.
That's the first act
of a new episode right there.
- Yeah, Lucy Gets Blacklisted.
- That's not a joke, Bob.
You made the joke.
I just put the button
Last week, she testified
in a closed session.
- She was cleared.
- Okay.
Yeah? She was cleared.
So I don't know where Winchell
got his information, but it was wrong.
As you can see, it was not picked up
by any newspaper.
So let's do our show.
Jess, it's your stage.
I Love Lucy , episode 204.
Season two, episode four.
Ethel and Fred Fight.
Teleplay by Bob Carroll,
Madelyn Pugh and myself.
Took three of you to write this one?
Okay, come on. And directing this week,
Donald Glass is back with us.
- Let's give him a hand. -
- Hey, thanks. It's good to be back.
Act one, Interior,
the Ricardo's living room, night.
Excuse me. Donald.
- Y-Yes?
- Good morning. I'm Lucille Ball.
I sure know that, Lucy.
I wanted to make sure
because you haven't been here in a while.
Is it because you've been
going through puberty?
I look young, yes,
but I went through it a long time ago,
and I haven't been here because
I've been directing at Danny Thomas.
With the Communist kid?
- Fuck off.
- Jesus Christ.
You don't have to fuck off,
but you do need to know that Danny
does jokes few people do it better.
I do physical comedy.
- I've seen every episode of the show.
- So have 60 million other people.
Are none of them
professional television directors?
She's kidding.
- I can tell.
- Ah.
I'm hazing you a little, Donald.
It's just my way of saying
I have no confidence in you at all.
All right, all right, all right.
We haven't gotten off
to a great start this morning, I think.
And I have no idea what the fuck
you were talking about, Bill.
Ah, Des, I'm begging you, don't ask.
All right, no problem.
I just wanted to say that this show
is made by Desilu Productions,
whose president
is speaking to you right now.
And for the next 30 minutes, I don't want
to hear a word that is not in this script.
- It's your stage.
- Thank you.
Lucy's putting the finishing touches
on a fancy dinner table
good china, silver, et cetera.
Uh, the table is set for four
but there are only three chairs.
I-I should've put that in
the, in the stage direction.
Well, technically, it's two chairs
and a piano bench.
For a total of?
Three chairs.
Lucy's putting the finishing
touches on a fancy dinner table
good china, silver, et cetera.
Table's set for four
but there's only three chairs.
After a moment,
the door opens and Ricky enters.
Lucy doesn't hear him.
Ricky tiptoes in back of her.
- Ricky puts his
- Why not?
Why doesn't Lucy hear him?
Well, he's about to do that thing
where you cover someone's eyes
and you say, Guess who.
I understand it's a setup.
I understand
why we need Lucy to not hear him.
I just don't understand why, in an
apartment this size, Lucy doesn't hear
or, for that matter, see the front door
open when she's standing 12 feet from it.
We'll work on that.
Ricky tiptoes in back of her
and reaches around
and covers her eyes with his hands.
Guess who it is.
Bill? Pat?
- Sam?
- No.
- Ralph?
- Ricky reacts to this.
No, it's me.
Oh, yes, of course.
Oh, hang on.
Are we supposed to believe
that Ricky believes that Lucy
- really doesn't know it's him?
- Want to do this now?
That Ricky believes that Lucy is
not only unfamiliar with his voice
which, let's not forget,
has a Cuban accent
but that he really believes
there are at least seven other men
who routinely walk into their apartment?
She has a pretty good point.
- She has four or five pretty good points.
- All right.
W-We'll write a better joke
or Ricky will know that Lucy's joking.
- Ah.
- We can change the names.
- Pedro, Pablo, Jose.
- What?
Because they're Spanish names.
I mean Latin names.
They're Cuban names.
Thanks for
clearing that up, professor.
- I'm just, you know
- Okay, Ricky takes his hands away
and turns her around.
- No, it's me.
- Oh, yes, of course.
- Uh, uh
- She snaps her fingers
and pretends she can't remember
his name. -
- Very funny.
- Ricky kisses her
and then notices the table setup.
Hey, company for dinner?
- Uh-huh.
- Who is it?
Lucy elaborately ignores him.
How do you like
the new water glasses, Ricky?
Who's coming for dinner, Lucy?
Doesn't the table look beautiful tonight?
Lucy, who is it?
Some people.
Whom is coming here for dinner tonight?
Whom? You mean besides meem and youm?
Never mind that. What are their names?
- Fred and Ethel Mertz.
- Wait a minute.
I thought you said Fred and Ethel had a
big fight and they were mad at each other.
They are.
I thought you said
they weren't speaking to each other.
They aren't.
- And that he was staying at the Y.
- He is.
- And that she won't let him in the house.
- She won't.
Well, if they are and they aren't
and he is and she won't, how come?
Lucy Esmeralda McGillicuddy Ricardo.
That's nice, but is the rhythm
getting old too early?
We'll work on that.
'Cause we want to live up to the quality
of the writing you were used to at RKO.
- That was gutsy.
- That was
It was a joke about
the writing at RKO and not
Obviously not an insult aimed at Lucy.

Looking back, it may have been
an insult aimed at Lucy.
Which was very unusual.
Lucy and I were close.
Okay, let's take it from
Look, she was always tough on the writing,
she pressed down hard on each beat,
but that week
it was like her life depended on
whether a joke was a B or B-plus.
She tries to make her way past him
on her way to the kitchen,
but he holds out his hand
and blocks the way.
There was a Broadway show
called Too Many Girls.
It was terrible.
One of the stars of
Too Many Girls was Desi.
Too Many Girls.
RKO decided to make
a very bad Broadway show into
and I still can't believe it
an even worse movie.
They kept Desi in the cast,
but the second female lead was replaced
by the queen of the B movies,
Lucille Ball.
A couple of days before shooting started,
Desi was on a soundstage working with
a piano and a drum and Ann Miller.
Here's what you have to understand.
A more handsome, charming man than Desi
you've never met.
Standing off, away from
the pack of chorus girls, is Lucy,
who was unrecognizable because
she was still in the middle of shooting
Dance, Girl, Dance,
playing a burlesque girl
who'd just been beaten up by her pimp.
So she was unrecognizable.
That's how they met.
She could shake the maracas
He could play the guitar
But he lived in Havana
And she down in Rio del Mar
And she shook the maracas
In a Portuguese bar
While he strummed in Havana
The distance between them was far
But by and by
He got a job with a band in Harlem
She got a job with a band in Harlem
Ay, ay, ay
He said, I'm the attraction
She said, I am the star
But they finally married
And now see how happy they are
So shake your maracas
And play your guitar.
Thank you.
- Mr. Arnaz?
- Yes.
I'm Desiderio Alberto Arnaz y de Acha III,
but just my mother calls me that.
- Desi. Desi.
- I'm Angie.
I'm in the chorus and I wanted to say
I'm looking forward to working with you.
I'm looking forward, too, Angie.
- Patty.
- Patty.
- Uh, short for Patricia?
- Yes.
- Also in the chorus?
- Mm-hmm. Dancing chorus.
- Oh.
- Do you remember the first time we met?
You were rudely attentive,
but now you're obnoxiously indifferent.
It's a line from our movie, dumb-dumb.
Do we know each other?
I'm Daisy.
A la nanita nana
Nanita ella, nanita ella
Mi nia tiene sueo
Bendito sea, bendito sea
Calla mientras la cuna se balancea
A la nanita nana, nanita ella
A la nanita nana
Nanita ella, nanita ella
Mi nia tiene sueo
Bendito sea, bendito sea
Do you remember the first time we met?
If we'd met, I'd remember.
You were rudely attentive,
but now you're obnoxiously
- That was you?
- indifferent.
That was me, yeah.
- This studio has talented makeup artists.
- I'm Angie.
I'm in the chorus.
I just want to say, when I drink,
I take off my clothes.
I'm so curious, I have to ask.
How did you know
Patty was short for Patricia?
- My name is Desiderio Alberto Arnaz
- Ah.
I don't have that kind of time.
And you're Lucille Ball.
Use a line on me
you've never road-tested on anyone.
I dare you.
Would you like to learn how to rumba?
All right. Nice.
And, yes, I would.
- Ah. -But there's absolutely no chance
you haven't used that before.
I want you to know
I'm not trying to be forward.
I'm showing you this
because it'll come in handy
for your rumba number in the movie.
I don't have a rumba number in the movie.
- No rumba?
- No.
Oh, that's a sign
of a poorly written screenplay.
Well, we should dance to something else.
Why did you come to Hollywood?
I got kicked out of New York.
- Seriously.
- I mean it.
I got kicked out of acting school
for not being good enough.
- Get out of here.
- I will not.
I got some modeling work,
I was hired and fired as a Ziegfeld Girl
but hired as a Goldwyn Girl,
and that's what took me out here.
Why did you come to Hollywood?
The Bolsheviks burned my house down.
- So a different reason.
- Mm, yeah.
There's not much
that rhymes with Lucille
But who'd write a song about that?
I borrowed part of your tuxedo.
It comes with pants,
but, uh, I'm wearing them.
Not for long, pal.
Can I call you Lucy?
I think we should
keep this professional, don't you?
- I was kidding.
- So was I.
Mm. Nice dry delivery.
Uh, what's your, mm
My ambition? For tonight?
I wasn't making myself clear?
No, I don't mean ambition.
Ay, what do I mean?
- Goals?
- No.
Mm future.
- Dreams.
- What are my future dreams?
I should've stuck with ambition.
Are you interviewing me?
I live in a small house.
And your ambition is
to live in a bigger house.
My ambition is to live in a home.
Like for old folks?
Not a home, not an institution.
- A home.
- Ah.
With a family and dinnertime.
Can I ask an impertinent question?
You gonna ask me why I'm not married?
No, I was going to ask you
why you're not a movie star.
Why are you playing the second female lead
in Too Many Girls?
I'm a contract player at RKO.
I play the roles I'm told to play.
My career's gone as far as it's gonna go.
It's hit cruising altitude.
I'm at peace with that.
So I'd like to be at peace.
I want a home.
You have a lot more talent than the roles
you play have allowed you to exhibit.
Now, how would you know I have talent?
Because I have talent.
You could be a serious actor.
You should be a star by now.
- But
- But what?
There is also something about
your physicality. You are, you are
Half naked?
Uh, sure.
- But
- But?
You, uh There isn't an English word.
T ests dotada cineticamente.
What does that mean?
It means you're kinetically gifted.
No one's noticed that?

Hi. Sorry.
I need to use the phone to call my fianc.
Wait, what?
It'll just take a second.
Your fianc?
Outside line please.
I mean, not that I haven't
It's just that I got the sense that we
- One sec.
- Yeah.
Last night, I felt it was
It's me. Hey.
You don't love me, and I don't love you,
and you cheat on me
every chance you can get,
and I pretend I'm stupid,
so I'm moving out.
I'll send someone
to pick up my clothes, okay?
Love you. But, you know, not really.
I interrupted you. What were you saying?
And we fade to black. End of show.
Thank you.
Notes upstairs.
Back onstage
in an hour. -
- All right.
- All right.
- We'll see ya.
- Yeah.
- Okay, honey. See you in a bit.
- Mm-hmm.
It's madness.
I thought you'd be the first one
to refuse to work with her.
You mean that?
You're not fond of Communists.
I'm less fond of the committee.

When the soldiers came
for your family
how scary was it?
You're giving me that look that says,
I don't get scared of nothing.
They killed all the animals.
Uh, not-not for food.
They just killed all the animals.
I still don't know why they did that.
It's six to five and pick 'em
we've already done
the last episode of this show.
This show, everyone who works here,
Desilu, Lucy's whole career mine, too
it may have ended last night
and we just don't know it yet.
Are you out of your mind?
I get plenty scared.
Fucking madness.

Come on in.
Madelyn was way out of line,
and I'll talk to Jess.
- No, I don't care about that.
- I care about it.
You told them I checked the wrong box.
Before the table read.
You told them I checked the wrong box.
Uh, uh, well, it takes fewer words
to say that than the truth.
Doesn't make me look like a simpleton
who's ill-equipped
to participate in democracy?
It was simpler,
and it's nobody's goddamn business.
Well, no.
Pretty obviously
it's everybody's goddamn business.
You-you you don't have to keep
checking the papers.
I've got people who'll let me know
the moment an editor thinks about it.
There's something wrong
with the story, they know it,
and that's why
no one's reporting on Winchell.
No. The Confidential story.
That's what's getting picked up.

I like this a lot, Tommy.
- That's a great color for you.
- Oh, I really like this.
And I can cinch the back a little.
- I can lower the neckline.
- Oh, not on CBS you can't.
But still, now we're talking.
Now we're cooking with gas.
- Should I bring out some shoes?
- Oh, yes, please.
That's a nice dress.
I thought so, too.
You borrowing it from wardrobe
for a cocktail party?
Dinner party.
The apartment of Ricky and Lucy Ricardo.
This is for the show?
- Lucy's invited Ethel
- Oh, Viv.
I know, but listen.
I'm thinking Lucy's invited her to dinner.
She thinks she's being fixed up
with an eligible guy.
She'd want to look nice.
It's something new for the character.
But the character's
still Ethel Mertz, right?
Hey, don't.
Does Desi Love Lucy Loosely?
They took time on that.
If neighbors hear screams of rage
followed by the sound of
- Isn't there enough going on with
- breaking crockery coming from
- the Arnaz house this month
- I'd be more concerned about
they'll know what is happening
without having to investigate.
The red-haired missus
has just finished reading
- Confidential's report on
- In your life, have you ever
taken this stuff seriously?
I take my marriage seriously.
And Desi said?
Lucy, I ain't been with no girls
since the moment I saw you.
- Then believe him.
- I do believe him.
It's an old picture.
We were there together.
He was playing cards
on the boat Wednesday.
You'd be more concerned about what?
- What? -You said
you'd be more concerned about,
and I cut you off.
The Winchell broadcast?
I don't get to choose just one.
I'm concerned with both,
the first thing, second thing.
Understood. What about the third?
What'd they say?
We didn't think yesterday was the best day
to tell them about the third thing.
- Right.
- We're doing it now.
First Jess, then the network,
then Philip Morris.
Could be worse.
You could be playing Ethel.
Got it.

Is Lucy on the phone too long at the top?
We only hear one side of the call.
Are we staying too long at the fair?
You don't need to write down
everything we say in here.
We'll know when it's on its feet.
Good morning.
Morning, guys.
Mary Pat, would you mind
giving us the room for a moment please?
- Of course, Mr. Arnaz.
- Thank you.
- Of course, Mr. Arnaz.
- She's nice.
You're in enough trouble.
You're not in trouble.
We need to talk.
- No, don't tell me
- No, no, no, no. No, we're
No, no, we're still okay.
- No one's picked up the story.
- All right.
Looking at Lucy's face,
I thought for sure
I'm pregnant.
That's not at all what I was gonna say.
That's what we came to talk about.
We were gonna have this conversation
yesterday, but other things were
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
- Well, this is a one-two punch.
It's not a punch. I'm having a baby.
What do we do now?
I know it seems like
no one said congratulations,
but that cannot be,
as these are three of
No, no, no, no.
- our closest friends and colleagues.
- You're right. You're right. Sorry.
- Oh, it's wonderful news.
- Yeah, hey, congratulations.
- Yes! Congratulations.
- Yeah, that's great.
- Thank you.
- Another baby.
- Gracias.
- Yeah, mazel tov.
- Gracias. Gracias. -Really, really.
- Congratulations, Des.
- Very happy. Very happy.
- Yeah.
- Very exciting. Yeah.
- So, uh
With Lucie,
I was the size of a phone booth, so
You've got about seven weeks
before you have to start
hiding me behind boxes and chairs,
and then another seven weeks after that
before I won't fit in the frame.
- What do you want to do?
- Do?
Whatever there was to do, we've done it.
- Where does that leave us?
- Without a choice.
Lucy Ricardo is gonna have a baby
on television.
- No, no, Des.
- How many scripts in the bank?
We're-we're five ahead of production.
We're shooting four
and we're writing nine.
Four. No harm done.
But whatever script you're working on now,
- episode nine, scratch it.
- Okay.
Episode no, episode nine is now
Lucy Tells Ricky She's Pregnant,
and we work from there.
What's that one?
- Which one?
- Lucy Goes to Italy.
We want to send the four of you to Italy.
- Why?
- We think it'd be nice to get off our set.
No, why do the Ricardos
and Mertzes go to Italy?
- A vacation.
- They don't vacation in Europe.
They go to the Grand Canyon.
- They go to Niagara Falls.
- Work.
- Ricky's got a gig at a club in Rome.
- And what does Lucy do?
She stomps grapes.
Lucy and Ethel go to an Italian vineyard.
- Why?
- We don't know yet.
And she stomps grapes.
This vineyard is located
in the 19th century?
- They don't stomp grapes anymore?
- No.
Okay, so we find the one
vineyard where they still stomp grapes.
Come in.
- S, signora. You sent for me?
- Yes.
Are there any grape vineyards around here?
I'd like to know how they make the wine,
how they pick the grapes, how they press
the juice out with their feet.
There is one little town called Turo
- where they still make the wine that way.
- Easy.
Why does she want to go to a vineyard?
We don't know yet.
She has an audition for an Italian movie.
What does that have to do
with stomping grapes?
The part.
She happens to be just the type I need.
The role of a beautiful Italian redhead
who, uh como si dice
uh, steps on grapes.
We'll get there. The point is
Lucy in a vat of grapes for five minutes.
I can see it.
What can happen in the vat of grapes?
What can she do?
It doesn't matter right now.
We need to get back to
Des, the network isn't gonna allow it
and neither will Philip Morris. Lucy
Just hang on.
- She loses an earring.
- Yes.
- There it is.
- What are you talking about?
In the grapes.
Push it to next year.
They're not going to Italy
while she's pregnant.
I'll bet you my next paycheck
against your next paycheck
that CBS won't even allow us
to use the word pregnant.
- Lucy Tells the Truth.
- That one's Madelyn's idea.
- She got it just seconds after
I pitched it. -Folks
Ricky bets Lucy
that she can't go two days without lying,
and we put her in situations
where it's hard not to lie.
Okay, it's started.
For the next 48 hours.
- Okay.
- All right.
I can hardly wait
to hear you tomorrow afternoon, Lucy.
We're playing bridge
at Carolyn's, remember?
Oh, no, no, no.
I can't spend the afternoon
with three women
and have to tell the truth.
I'll call Carolyn and tell her I'm sick.
After 47 hours,
- she's winning, but in the final hour
- Here it is.
Ricky gets a visit from
the IRS, and the guy wants to ask about
some questionable things
that Ricky's claiming on his deductions.
Lucy's sitting in the living room, too,
and of course when she's asked
by the IRS agent to corroborate,
she can't tell a lie, so
That's a funny premise.
Yes, it is.
But lose the IRS scene.
- Could be a good scene.
- He's correct.
Once I write it, it could be good.
Ah, Ricky Ricardo loves America.
He loves being an American.
He's grateful to this country.
He'd never cheat on his taxes.
- It's very relatable. Everybody does.
- I don't! Neither does Ricky.
Especially when his wife is accused
of being un-American.
Look for something else, and
start working on the first pregnancy show.
- Listen to me.
- What?
They're not gonna let us do it.
- Let that be my problem.
- Oh, I wish I could, Des,
but it's very much my problem, okay?
So instead of talking about
goddamn grapes, why don't
Look, what you got to understand is this.
- We don't know
- Jess, they're free to take us off the air
for the rest of the year
while continuing to pay our contracts
and answering questions about
why motherhood is too salacious
to put on CBS, but something tells me
they're not gonna go that route.
Instead, I think Broadcast Standards
and Practices will give you
a list of insane restrictions,
which might even include
you winning your bet with Desi,
and which I have no doubt
the three of you
will navigate beautifully.
You told me to be nice.
I don't care what your first thoughts
out of the gate were,
but your first words out of the gate
were no good.
And what was with you at the table read?
I'm sorry. She was jumping
on every stage direction.
It's her process.
But that process
usually happens in private.
And following your advice,
maybe every once in a while,
the first words out of her mouth
could be good script.
Well, is this the right week
for this shit?
- Hey.
- We do seem to be having some success, no?
We're all really tired from
working on this week's script.
Oh, are you sleepy? You need a nap?
- Can I talk to you for a second, boss?
- Sure.
I'm the executive producer of this show.
You can't manhandle me like that
in front of other people.
You just can't do it. My show.
And Madelyn was a hundred percent right.
- Ricky pays his taxes.
- I get it.
And we're having the baby on the show.
There's no chance they say yes.
There's no chance they say yes to you.
Did you get all that?
That was a joke.
Back to right before Vivian's entrance.
When do we eat?
Settle. And action.
Uh, when do we eat?
I've been living on
peanut butter sandwiches.
Bill, that line's
got to take you over to the table.
- Hmm?
- You need to cross to the table on that.
- Because we need to
- So you can see the table,
notice that a fourth place is set
and say your next line.
Uh, someone else coming?
Well, Fred, I took the liberty of asking
a young lady to be your dinner companion.
- A young lady?
- A cute young chick.
- Oh, boy, bring her on.
- Uh-uh.
- Hang on.
- What?
When I say, I took the liberty of asking
- a young lady to be
your dinner companion -Mm-hmm.
Ricky should take a sip from a glass of
water on the table to keep from laughing.
- And then when I say,
A cute young chick -Uh-huh.
he should choke on his water a little.
- I like that.
- I like it, too.
The very idea that Ethel's
a cute young chick should make Desi choke.
That's 15.
- Okay.
- That's 15 minutes!
I'll be funny by Friday.
And when can we expect you to be funny?
Exactly what makes a husband leave home
- is something that has been baffling wives
since Adam and Eve. -Enough.
For an outstanding example, let's take
one of the nation's most famous husbands.
- You've memorized it?
- I've memorized worse writing than this.
- Yes, it's a tabloid.
- With a curvy, red-haired tidbit
like Lucy waiting for him at home,
would Desi be foolish enough
- Stop it. -to prowl Hollywood
like a bachelor wolf?
- If so, why?
- It's made up.
- 20 million readers want to know.
- Lucy
- 20 million and one.
- How many times
I got to 'splain where I was
and what I was doing?
How many times you got to 'splain?
I can't get enough of that joke.
They document an entire night.
Someone in your gang's a rat.
My gang.
The night they're talking about,
I was with Red Skelton and Xavier Cugat.
- Which one of them you think squealed?
- They made it up from nothing?
I heard on Winchell the other night
that you were a Communist.
That was true, you idiot!
Yeah. That was a bad example.
And I didn't check the wrong box.
Okay, I'm sorry about that.
I believe you.
- I'm just messing around.
- Good.
No. That gets you out of the woods,
but it puts you into other woods.
What are the other woods?
You don't come home anymore.
Did you know that?
- You change subjects faster than
- Keep up.
It's not hard.
I asked, Did you know
you don't come home anymore?
Of course I come home.
Sometimes I go to the boat and play cards.
We drink, it goes late,
it's easier to sleep on the boat.
That used to be once a week, then twice.
Now it's four or five times.
I go home after work, you go to the boat.
You once asked me what my ambition was.
You remember?
And you liked my answer.
She used the word home a lot.
She talked about having a home.
Lucy owned three houses,
but sometimes, when she fell into a funk,
she'd say she didn't have a home.
They eloped.
They bought a ranch in Chatsworth.
They were deeply in love
and deliriously happy.
What you got to understand is
they weren't very happy.
They never saw each other.
Desi and his orchestra
were booked at Ciro's.
Lucy was under contract at RKO.
Desi would be done with work
around 4:00 a.m.
Lucy had to be
in hair and makeup at 5:00 a.m.
They'd meet at the top of Mulholland.
Babal ay
Ol, ol, ol, ol
- Ol, ol, ol, ol
- Ol, ol, ol, ol
Ol, ol, ol, ol
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
- Arriba con la conga
- Arriba con la conga.
- What do we have here?
- Yeah, Desi!
A lot of choices.
There's only one choice for me,
and she's got a powerful right hook.
My friend and I saw the midnight show
and the 2:00 a.m.
Thank you.

I did the calculation.
In the course of one week,
I see you 1/20th as much
as your second trombone player.
Well, learn to play the trombone,
and I'll give you his job.
Well, how hard is the trombone?
Ay, maybe it'd be better
if we didn't spend the little time we have
arguing about why we don't have more time.
Don't make me feel like a bitch
because I want to see my husband.
I-I could stay home
and be kept by my wife.
I mean, that'd really complete the picture
Americans have of Cuban men.
What home are you talking about?
Or you could quit the film business
and just be my wife.
But you ain't gonna do that, right?
How about you come to the club more
to watch the show?
I had a picture open five days ago.
You really want me
to come down to the club?
Why not?
They call me Cuban Pete
I'm the king of the rumba beat
When I play the maracas, I go
Chick chicky boom, chick chicky boom
Yes, sir, I'm Cuban Pete
I'm the craze of my native street
When I start to dance,
everything goes
Chick chicky boom, chick chicky boom
The seoritas, they sing
And how they swing with this rumbero
It's very nice
So full of spice
And when they're dancing
They bring a happy ring,
the maraquero
Singing a song
All the day long.
Ah! What do we have here?

This way, Miss Ball! Hollywood Citizen!
We love you in the movie!
- Thank you.
- Wasn't the show fun?
Come on in.
Good morning.
Hey, Maddie.
Some week, huh?
Lucille Ball's a threat
to the American way of life?
She's a threat to writers,
camera operators and Desi,
but it really stops there.
Have you ever had a week like this?
No, but we work in Hollywood,
and something tells me
we're all gonna have weeks like this
before that committee's done.
- Look what you can still do.
- Still?
I regretted it even before I said it.
I can't do that, and I'm just impressed.
What's in your hands?
I got you some breakfast
from the commissary.
They told me you didn't have any, but
I did. I had a cup of coffee
and half a grapefruit.
Well, I have French toast,
bacon, eggs and potatoes.
- Enjoy it.
- It's for you.
That was very sweet, but, no, thank you.
Is it just me
or have you lost a little weight?
I have.
Well, you look great.
Thank you.
- I'll see you onstage.
- Mm-hmm.
- Madelyn.
- Yeah?
Who told you
that I didn't have any breakfast?
I don't know.
I think
It was Tino.
The tall waiter.
Jesus Christ.
Day three and still no pickup
on the Winchell story.
- Fellas, I think we're out of this.
- Might be.
- Might be.
- Howard?
There's another shoe, and none of us
are getting out of this alive.
They're uncovering something new,
they're chasing the original testimony,
but there's another shoe.
There's nothing more to uncover.
There are no more shoes.
- Lucy's pregnant.
- Well, that.
Lucy's pregnant.
With a baby?
not sure what words to use.
How much pregnant are you?
Why did you think
you didn't know what words to use?
He means how far,
as a percentage of nine months
where are you
on-on the timeline of-of the
Someone should point
a goddamn camera at this.
She's 12 weeks pregnant.
So that means, uh
12 weeks ago, I fucked my husband.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! -No, no, no.
She'll start showing in about
six weeks, and a month after that,
there won't be any hiding it.
This isn't a problem.
- It's not.
- This has happened before.
I won't say names,
but it's been dealt with.
Is he talking about having me killed?
No, you carry a basket of laundry,
stand behind chairs,
you sit with a pillow on your lap.
Those are great ideas,
especially having Lucy
carry a basket of laundry in every scene.
Or stand behind chairs.
Where in the Ricardo's living room
are the giant chairs you're talking about?
Lucy and Ricky redecorate, huh?
The writers can get some fun out of this.
Maybe they get some large ficus trees.
They'd have to be California redwoods,
and I'd have to stand behind them
anytime I wasn't doing the wash.
Well, what do you propose?
That the Ricardos have a baby.
What do you mean?
I told you it was gonna be like this.
Lucy Ricardo will be pregnant on the show.
An eight-episode arc starting with
Lucy telling Ricky the happy news
- and ending with the birth of the baby.
- No.
No, no, no.
You can't have a pregnant woman
on television.
Why not?
Because it's television.
We come into people's homes.
Pregnant women often vomit.
I know I could any second.
- May I say something?
- Frankly, I can't wait.
If Lucy Ricardo's pregnant,
the audience's mind immediately goes
to how did she get that way.
Lucy and Ricky sleep in separate beds.
We'll be pushing the beds together, too.
- Oh. -Oh, no.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry, Des, we're gonna
have to put our foot down on this one.
You can't do it. End of discussion.

Miss Rosen, will you come in please,
with a pad and pen?
My secretary.
What are you doing?
To Mr. Alfred Lyons,
Chairman of the Board of Philip Morris.
We don't want
to bring Mr. Lyons into this.
Mr. Lyons, I guess
it all comes down to you.
You are the man
who's paying the money for this show,
and I'll do whatever you decide.
Mr. Lyons doesn't get involved
at this level.
There's only one thing I want
to make certain that you understand.
- Desi
- We've given you
the number one show on television,
and up until now, the creative decisions
have been in our hands.
They are now telling us that Lucy
and Ricky can't have a baby on the show.
That's not exactly what we said.
All I ask from you,
if you agree with them,
is that you inform them that we will
not accept them telling us what not to do
unless, beginning with our next episode,
they also tell us what to do.
Sincerely, et cetera, et cetera.
Thank you.
- And send it by telegram please.
- Yes, sir.
And that wasn't even why I married him.
That was.
Quiet please! Rehearsal's up!
Lucy, let me out of here!
Untie this coat!
Not until you kiss and make up.
I'll never make up with him
after the things he said.
What about the things you said to me?
She said my mother looks like a weasel.
- Apologize, Ethel.
- No.
Oh, come on, Ethel. Tell him you're sorry.
I'm sorry your mother looks like a weasel.
Now, Ethel.
Well, he should have more consideration.
After all, I gave him
the best years of my life.
Were those the best?
All right, all right, now you're even.
Now, what are your terms
for making up, Ethel?
Well, he should
We should go back to the dinner table.
- What was that?
- We should go back to the dinner table.
I think, given the time,
we should move on.
It was good.
Yeah, except, no, it wasn't.
- What?
- Good.
- Wasn't good.
- Uh
Ah, let's go back.
What's happening?
She wants to go back.
- To what?
- The dinner scene.
The dinner scene, you drunken yontz!
Have we hired anyone to play Ethel yet?
All right, let's go.
Go forward or go back to the dinner scene?
Page 15. This is still scene A.
From, You're right, he's not
going to do me out of dinner.
- Cameras reset. Props reset.
- Someone's gonna need to tell us
what was wrong with the scene
in the first place.
- You were in it.
- Bill.
Something fundamental was wrong.
I'll figure out what.
I can figure out what.
Let's all do our individual jobs.
I hit him in the face
until he's bleeding
- does our insurance cover that?
- Yeah, I got the platinum plan.
Good job.
- Ready, ready.
- Quiet please!
Rehearsal's up!
From, You're right,
he's not going to do me out of dinner.
And action.
Uh, you're right.
He's not gonna do me out of dinner.
Oh. Now, sit down, everyone.
We don't have any more chairs.
You two don't mind sharing, do you?
The roast beef should be precut.
- It will be, dear.
- How's that, Ethel?
- Not too much fat, is there?
- There certainly is.
He means the meat.
Oh, no, the meat is fine.
Now do your thing.
Come on.
- Mm.
- Perfect.
- Yeah?
- Moving on.
- Moving
- Staying put. -Why?
We need to work out
the moves at the table.
Bill and I can work out the moves.
It's not that I'm not confident
that you can't work out
This is camera blocking.
We can work out the stage business
during tomorrow's run-through.
I would strongly prefer that we do it now.
I have to exercise
my directorial authority.
- You have to do what?
- Let's take a break.
- It's not time for a break.
- Good, then, that's ten minutes.
Ten minutes, we come back to scene A!
- No, we don't.
- Maybe we don't. It's hard to say.
Tell me what's happening, honey.
- You know what occurs to me?
- Mm-hmm?
At the top, it should be clear
that I'm setting a nice table, right?
There should be flowers in a vase.
And I'm trying to get them just right.
And I cut one of the stems,
but now it's too short.
Then I cut the others,
but now they're too short and
- I get it.
- What do you think?
I think you're having
a little bit of a breakdown.
I meant about the flowers.
Tell me what's happening now.
Why is this so hard to understand?
The dinner table isn't working,
- and we need it to.
- Mm-hmm.
Right there are
the building blocks of drama.

It's not you.
Or Bill.
The dinner scene. It's Donald Glass.
it'll be funny.
I'm sure of that.
Can't get better till it gets bad.
- Cross step one off the list.
- Yeah.
You hanging in there?
Look, we've made 37 episodes.
You do 37 of anything,
one of them's gonna be your 37th best.
Ours was directed by Donald Glass.
Honey, the committee.
They're not gonna base their findings
based on how this week's sh
Fuck the committee.
I said that. I'm talking about the show.
And unless you count his wardrobe,
Donald Glass doesn't understand
the moving parts of physical comedy.
That's all.
My point is you're not the problem.
Uh, Madelyn brought me breakfast
this morning.
French toast, bacon and potatoes.
She said that someone noticed
I hadn't had breakfast.
She said it looked like
I had lost some weight.
She's right. You look great.
Madelyn's a staff writer.
She doesn't bring people their breakfast.
I'm not sure what you're asking.
It sounds like she was
How would she know I hadn't had breakfast?
I really don't know.
- It was you, right?
- Yeah.
Got to give me credit.
When I lie, I give it up pretty quick.
- It's admirable.
- Thanks.
You told her to bring me breakfast
and remark on my weight loss.
Let me explain why.
Because I think you should
get off this loony diet you're on.
It's working.
It's not good for you.
I feel great.
It's not good for Ethel.
Ah, it's not.
We're best friends, Viv.
I don't want to fight.
- I just sent some breakfast over
because -You didn't just send it over.
You sent it over
with Madelyn and a message
and now a new message,
which is that I look too good.
Because we want you at the weight
you were when we cast you.
Otherwise it'll be bad for Ethel?
- Yes.
- Or bad for you?
All right.
No one's gonna stop loving Lucy
when you're pregnant.
You're not a pinup girl.
Thanks for that, Viv.
I'm saying take it easy, that's all.
Everyone here stands shoulder to shoulder
with you and no one feels funny
'cause we're scared to death,
and you're not helping
by jumping up and down
on everyone who works here
and doing it in front of the whole crew!
Goddamn it, Viv,
most American women look like you, not me.
They want to see themselves on television.
What the hell are the two of you
screaming about?
- Nothing.
- Nothing!
I'm in my room taking my midmorning nap.
Don't you usually do that
while we're rehearsing?
I'd love to hear more of that
Moss Hart wit on the show.
Don't worry about it.
The weight always comes back.
I can't keep it off anymore.
This conversation went poorly.
I thought it was great.
I definitely feel like performing
for tens of millions of people now.
All right.
- Lucille.
- Yeah?
Come with me for a drink.
It's 10:00 a.m.
I'm sure it's 10:15 somewhere.
We have to be back onstage.
- I wonder if they'll wait for you.
- Bill, I'm not
Tell the stage Mrs. Arnaz is
taking some personal time
and she'll be back when she's back.
- Probably 15 minutes.
- Yes, ma'am.
And you should remind props that I need
garden shears in the opening scene.
- Copy.
- Let's go.
We have to establish right away
that I'm setting a fancy table.
- You don't have to explain it to him.
- We'll have flowers in a vase.
I'll cut one of the flowers.
- He doesn't care.
- It'll be too short.
I'll cut the other flowers,
they'll be too short, and so on.
- Got it.
- So I need garden shears.
Regular scissors aren't strong enough
to cut through the stems.
He's thinking a lot about killing you now.
- Fine.
- Go.
It's raining.
Your hair gonna be all right?
I'm fine.
Ever since I started doing this show,
rain bounces off my hair.
- That's helpful.
- Mm.
Honestly had no idea this place was here.
They like to keep a low profile.
Can't imagine why.
Kind of people go to a bar
on a Wednesday morning?
It's an eclectic group.
What are you having?
I'll take a tetanus shot.
- Jim Beam, two times.
- Sure, Bill.
I thought you and Desi had a deal.
You don't drink at work.
Desi and I have a deal
that I won't be drunk at work.
Have you ever seen me drunk at work?
- Would I know?
- No.
Here's to your new baby.
All right, then.
Are they being polite
or do they not recognize us?
They don't own television sets.
Why didn't I think of that?
Honey, I read seven newspapers every day.
Seven? When do you have time to do that?
It's 30 minutes between races
at Santa Anita,
and it takes me a minute and a half
to pick a horse.
- Aren't you at work?
- Yeah.
We have bookies now and telephones.
Know all about that.
Did a Damon Runyon picture.
In none of those seven newspapers
have I read anything about
Lucille Ball being a Communist.
I don't hear anyone talking about it.
Since when do you talk to anyone?
I got news for you; the less you talk,
the more things you hear,
and I haven't heard anything.
problems at home?
Problems at home?
- Yeah.
- No.
I'd like very much to have problems at
home, but my problem's not home that much.
Few times a week.
He was playing cards on the boat
Wednesday night.
I know.
The picture's six months old.
I was there when it was taken.
I'm saying, why wasn't he home,
where I and our daughter were?
Your husband is in love with America
like no man I have ever known
since George M. Cohan, who loved America
so much he wrote the same song five times.
Desi loves America as much as that guy.
But that doesn't mean he's not Cuban.
- I know that.
- The world he's from
has a very narrow definition of manhood.
- I know that, too.
- The man is the man.
And not for nothing,
but the women are happy.
You've asked them?
They look happy.
I see.
- But that's neither here nor there.
- It really isn't.
He's mesmerized by you, Lucille.
And he misses you
when you're in two different places.
He does. I'm a witness.
- He doesn't have to.
- He
We live in the same house.
He does have to.
That's what I'm saying.
He has to spend time away from you
so that he can feel like he's not the
Second banana.
I navigate male egos for a living, bud.
Then why are you running the set?
Why are you running rehearsals?
You're doing it right in front of him.
I can't prioritize the director's feelings
over the health of the show.
No, no, not I couldn't care less
about Donald's feelings if I tried hard.
He's a hack.
But we'll overcome that because,
frankly, we're not doing Uncle Vanya.
Got it.
But the business at the dinner table
has to be precise.
I was only in vaudeville 40 years,
so I wouldn't know about these things
of which you speak.
I know you know.
I'm just saying
You did it in front of Desi is my point.
Let me tell you something about Desi.
He runs this show.
Every creative decision goes through him.
Every business decision
the network, Philip Morris.
And if that wasn't enough,
he is camera-ready on Monday.
Takes me five days to get a laugh.
He's killing it at the table read.
And that man, believe me,
is nobody's second banana.
How many people know that?
Know what?
That Desi runs the show.
How many people know that?
There was a minute there
when Lucy was gonna be a serious actress.
In serious movies.
She was gonna compete for roles
with Crawford, Hayworth.
Might've been Lucy in All About Eve.
And you know what?
She'd have blown the doors off the place.
It was almost like that.
For a minute there.

What happened?
Flat tire!
Quarter of a mile back.
And you abandoned the car there?
- I sprinted the last 500 yards.
- What's going on?
Also you ran with a bottle
of champagne in your hand?
Bringing it
more festive.
I got it.
I got the part.
- Which part?
- I got the part, Des.
The Big Street.
You said it was going to Rita Hayworth.
Scheduling problems.
Then they went to Judy Holliday.
Scheduling problems.
I got the female lead in The Big Street.
That's tremendous.
That's tremendous.
I'm opposite Henry Fonda.
But when does it start photography?
Two weeks.
I still can't catch my breath.
- It's Damon Runyon.
- I know!
I know. I read the script,
and I'm very, I'm very happy, Lucy,
but I was looking forward
to you coming out on tour.
Rita Hayworth had scheduling problems.
Mm, so did you.
You don't think I want to be in the same
city at the same time as my husband?
- I know. I know.
- What do I
Every decision I make
is based on being near you.
Every single decision.
Well, yes, but obviously not
every single decision.
No? Hmm?
You know how many years I've spent
sticking my head into frame,
saying something bitchy and going away?
Crappy little roles in pictures
I wouldn't pay a nickel to see
if the theater had
the only available air-conditioning.
- Uh-huh.
- If The Big Street is a hit,
I'll be getting the roles
that go to Rita and Judy and Bette.
Which Judy?
- Holliday.
- Ah.
Who's the baseball player
that you talk about?
The one who sat down
and let Lou Gehrig start that streak.
Oh, Wally Pipp.
Gehrig was his understudy.
- Backup.
- And the guy took a rest one day.
Gehrig came in,
didn't come out for 40 years.
14 years, and it was Wally Pipp.
Okay, well, imagine if Wally Pipp
had scheduling problems,
Lou Gehrig, instead of grabbing his glove,
toured with his husband's Latin orchestra.
It would've changed
the course of baseball.
And the course of Latin music.
Rita Hayworth is Wally Pipp.
I'm Lou Gehrig.
The Big Street is the Yankees.
I understood the metaphor so long ago.
You don't have to tour.
You could stay in town.
- And do what?
- Sell out Ciro's every night.

We're not a house band.
I'd like to sell out New York.
I'd like to sell out Chicago
and Miami, too.
- I know.
- Hmm.
Eight weeks.
I'll come wherever you are
on the weekends.
So it'll be important that you not
fall in love with someone else
Mondays through Fridays.
Should we open the champagne,
take our clothes off
and go skinny-dipping in the pool?
That bottle of champagne
is basically a grenade now,
but all your other ideas were good.
Lucy, Lucy, Jesus.
You're gonna be a movie star.
You comfortable with that?
Am I comfortable with that?
That bottle has comic timing.

I've been at the studio
for almost ten years.
I've never been in the president's office.
Mr. Koerner isn't the president.
He's the head of production.
Second in command.
Still higher than I've ever gotten.
- Yes, sir.
- Send her in.
You can go on in.
- Charles Koerner.
- Lucille Ball.
You like Lucille or Lucy?
Lucy's fine. I mean either's fine.
- Lucy.
- All right.
And do I call you Charlie?
Anyone as brilliant as you were
in The Big Street
can call me Betsy and I wouldn't care.
Thank you.
Please, sit. Sit here.
Thank you.
That was a whole new side of you
we've never seen.
Where's that been?
It's been buried under bad movies.
I've heard you make
some form of that joke before.
Keep putting me in pictures like
The Big Street, you won't hear it again.
We're dropping your contract, Lucy.
- No, it-it's not a joke.
- That was
RKO is dropping your contract.
I don't understand.
We don't have anything for you.
But that
This is happening fast.
The Big Street was a hit.
It was a critical hit.
I get that there wasn't
a stampede to the box office,
but you didn't lose money, did you?
- No.
- Do you understand the conditions
under which this picture was finished?
No, it has nothing to do
with conditions
Damon Runyon left town
before principal photography,
our director joined the Army
during postproduction,
and our editor died.
He just flat-out died.
- There were a number of obstacles.
- That's accurate.
- Did you read the reviews?
- They were very impressive.
They were more than impressive.
This has nothing to do with
your performance in The Big Street.
But it should have everything to do
with my performance in The Big Street.
I I showed what I can do, and that's
just the beginning of what I can do.
That is just the beginning of it.
Are you sure this isn't a joke?
It's a tough business.
I know that!
I've been in it since I was 14!
But you're 35 now.
- And that is the problem?
- No.
The problem is you're really 39,
aren't you?
39-year-olds don't go to see your movies?
They don't want to see stories
about themselves?
You came through for us when Judy Holliday
and Rita Hayworth were on other pictures,
and we didn't want to lose Fonda.
Now, this studio has a handshake
understanding with Metro and Warner,
and they'll loan us Holliday or Hayworth,
so we just don't have enough for you
to warrant keeping you under contract.
Judy Holliday does one thing very well,
but it's just one thing.
I know how you're feeling right now.
I've had to have this conversation
a hundred times.
I'm surprised
because you're terrible at it.
Can I make a suggestion?
The hell did you just say to me?
You've got the voice for it.
Look, I've noticed there's a lot
you can do with your voice.
You should think about radio, Lucy.
And you should go fuck yourself, Betsy.

What are you doing?
I'm reading scripts.
Oh, it's 3:00 in the morning.
I know.
I'm drunk, too.
I know why you like drinking.
I didn't get it till about two hours ago.
You read any good movies?
These are radio pilots.
Oh, yeah?
There's nothing wrong with radio.
I do it all the time.
You're a bandleader.
You know, Bataan was a hit, too.
I didn't hear you.
Bataan was a hit.
I was good.
The reviews were valentines,
and I didn't bang a drum.
It would have led to better parts,
except I had to go to
what do you call it?
fight World War II.
And now those crappy little parts in
pictures you wouldn't pay a nickel to see
- if it was the only available
air-conditioning in the -Des.
I can't get them.

Gee, honey, are you sure
those bandages are fake?
- Oh, yeah.
- Are you sure you're all right?
- Yeah, honey, I'm fine.
- Oh, yeah oh, let me help you.
It's a good thing
the Mertzes had their awning up.
Oh, honey.
It was all my fault.
No, it was my fault, honey.
Weren't we silly?
Yes. We will never argue again.
Ah, baby.
- Lucy, are you okay?!
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- You sure?
- I'm sure.
Thank goodness you're all right.
Why? What's the matter?
When I told Ethel
the whole gag was my idea,
she got mad and went home to her mother.
- Oh!
- Oh, no.
And we cut. Good.
Is that lunch?
That's one hour for lunch!
We'll do notes onstage after and go again.
Uh, one quick thing.
The table scene is getting good.
Yeah, it's not.
I wanted to circle back again and express
my serious concern about
Ricky's entrance at the top.
I brought it up at the table read Monday.
There haven't been new pages.
- Because it's gonna work.
- Hear me out.
- Okay.
- Right now,
Lucy is trimming the flowers on the table.
Ricky opens the door and comes in.
We're gonna have to cut the flowers.
I don't mean cut the flowers.
I mean cut the flowers.
I couldn't understand the difference
between those two line readings.
We're running long.
We have to cut the bit with the flowers.
How long?
About a minute.
All right, well,
we'll get back to the flowers.
The front door opens, Ricky comes in.
Lucy doesn't see or hear him,
which is unusual
because the front door is, you know,
- right there.
- Mm-hmm.
And in previous episodes,
we've established
Lucy's eyes and ears
are connected to her brain.
We-we buy the conceit.
- I'm sorry?
- We buy it.
Lucy is so focused
on making the table nice
she doesn't even notice
Ricky coming in the door.
- Okay, I'll run with that.
- Yeah.
Ricky walks up to her quietly.
He puts his hands
over her eyes and says
Guess who it is.
- And then Lucy says,
Bill? Sam? Pat? Ralph? -Yeah.
- She's teasing him.
- Yes, she's teasing him.
That's clear. Ricky responds
- No.
- No.
And the stage direction for Ricky
says burning.
He's upset.
Lucy continues the teasing.
George? Julius? Stephen? Ivan?
- Yeah.
- We changed that to
Pedro? Julio? Juan? Guillermo?
Because those are Spanish names.
I mean Mexican. Cuban. Latin.
They're Brazilian names.
- You done?
- Yeah.
- We're moving into a meal penalty.
Yeah, okay.
Lucy guesses some names.
Yeah, teasingly.
And the script indicates that Ricky
takes his hands away from Lucy's eyes,
turns her around and says
- No, it's me.
- So my question again, Jess;
Does Ricky honestly, truly believe
that there might be eight different men
who routinely walk into their apartment,
all of whom sound exactly like Desi Arnaz?
You think we're saying Ricky's stupid?
I think you're saying the audience is.
And that's something for which
they won't soon forgive you.
You charge for these lessons?
A ton.
For the sake of the joke,
the audience will take the leap with us.
They will, but you'll need a busload
of orthopedists when they land.
Let's talk about this after lunch, huh?
- I have an idea.
- I got a crew here,
and we're about
to run into a penalty, so
- Lucy is working on the flowers.
- We're cutting the flowers for time.
I don't mean literally
cutting the flowers in the scene
I cannot go through that again.
Ricky opens the door, comes in,
shuts the door, as we've seen him do
in 37 episodes.
Lucy doesn't acknowledge him.
- Uh, so far, you're describing the script.
- Right.
But instead of playing
the hands-over-the-eyes guessing game,
Ricky just stands there.
He can't understand why Lucy doesn't
notice he's home any more than we can.
He stands there for a full beat,
and then another,
and then merrily,
in a slightly exaggerated manner,
as we've heard him do
a hundred times, he says
Lucy, I'm home!
For Ricky is funny.
Hey, Luce?
Let's talk about it after lunch.
- Jim.
- That's lunch!
One hour!
Back onstage for notes!
All right, lunch!
Hang on!
Desi, does that work for you?
Works perfect.
We'll talk about it after lunch.
It needed to be fixed.

I think we can get more
out of hypocrite.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Like what?
Like Lucy turns to Desi and says,
Well, it's nice to know
I'm married to a hypocrite.
And Desi gets his back up and says
Then turns to Fred and says,
What's a hypocrite?
Fred tells him,
It's a person who says one thing
- but does another.
- Mm-hmm.
Desi says, Thank you,
turns back to Lucy and says
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, that's good. That's good.
Yeah, that's exactly
what I was gonna pitch.
- But I pitched it faster.
- By interrupting me.
How do you think I got to be
a woman in a comedy room?
Hey, is now a good time?
Yeah. Madelyn had a good idea.
Desi's entrance, we shoot it both ways
and see which one gets the bigger laugh.
That was my idea.
It's a bad idea.
Mm. It's just not your day.
- Can I have a minute in your office?
- Yeah.
All right.
What's wrong with shooting it both ways?
You'll be on the floor
during the show, right?
I'll be where I always am.
In full view of the audience?
I suppose.
Since we're doing it both ways,
how about we do it once with your pants on
and once with your pants off?
- That's not the same.
- It is.
And I don't want to do the version
with my pants off in front of 200 people.
But that's not what I need
to talk to you about.
You're not gonna tell me
you're pregnant again, are you?
I'm still pregnant from before, but no.
Jess, you know how much I value you.
- I think I do.
- You know you do.
And you also know what it is
Desi does around here.
- I mean, every business decision
goes through Desi. -Mm-hmm.
In fact, most business decisions
are made by Desi.
- You married a very bright man.
- I did.
He makes a lot of creative decisions, too.
Mm. I'm not sure I'd say a lot.
I would. I'd say a lot.
He devised the camera system that we use.
He's the reason the East Coast
doesn't see the show on a foggy kinescope.
- Yeah.
- And even though we use three cameras,
the studio audience can see every scene.
- That's him, too.
- Mm-hmm.
And the four of us, the cast,
we can see the audience.
I give him a lot of credit for that.
He's the one who thought up
Lucy being pregnant on the show.
That is never gonna happen,
'cause no matter what CBS says,
Philip Morris is never
gonna let it happen.
But, like I said, I give him credit.
That's the thing, though. You don't.
What do you mean?
He doesn't get credit
as an executive producer,
which, let's face it, is what he is.
You get sole credit.
I didn't win my credit in a raffle!
I earn it.
I'm the showrunner! Not to mention
being the creator of the show.
I don't see how we could
do the show without you.
You absolutely could not.
I don't see how we could do the show
without Desi either.
Because he plays Ricky,
which he does get a screen credit for.
- Jess -Is this something
our agents should be talking about?
- No. -'Cause I'm not at all comfortable
with this conversation.
I'm about to make you less comfortable.
I need you to help me save my marriage.

I need you to help me save my marriage.
What do you think
they're talking about in there?
I think they're talking about you.
I think they want to pay you less
because you're not as funny as I am.
Mary Pat, would you mind asking Desi
if I can come see him?
- Was everything all right in there?
- Yeah.
- So, listen.
- Mm-hmm.
It has to be coherent, because if it's
anything goes, then nothing's funny.
- Anything Goes was a hit.
- Not Cole Porter's Anything Goes.
- I mean if an
- I know.
- Why are you telling me?
- The opening,
Ricky's entrance with his hands
over my eyes, that was Jess, right?
Outside of that room, we make it a point
not to talk about who wrote what.
It wasn't Jess?
You know I'm right about the logic.
Why aren't you backing me up instead of
endorsing a plan to shoot it both ways?
Listen, why don't we get together
for a drink or a swim this weekend,
and we can put it on the agenda?
Because the show is tomorrow
and I'm fine talking about it now.
By all means, let's unnecessarily add more
to what you're worried about this week.
- I'm not worried! I'm
- Shh.
I'm not worried.
I'm saying I count on you
to be the firewall, to be
to-to make sure just logic, okay?
I won't say who wrote what,
but I can tell you
that I'm the lady in there
trying to make Lucy smarter.
Excuse me?
I'm the one trying, every week, to
Lucy's dumb?
I didn't say that.
You're trying
struggling, it sounds like
to make Lucy smarter?
I created this character with you.
And she needs to be smarter?
She sometimes, for the sake of comedy,
is infantilized.
This is a crazy week,
time and place to be having
this conversation.
- This is important
- How is she infantilized?
She literally says, Waah.
'Cause when she does,
60 million people laugh,
just like with Lou Costello
and Stan Laurel, and you get paid.
When those two grown men
play slow-witted five-year-olds, I cringe.
Then I question your comedy IQ.
No, you don't.
You think I'm the funniest writer
in the room,
and that's why
you're talking to me and not Jess.
Many people regard Lucy as clever.
I mean, she always has a plan
to overcome an obstacle.
Yeah, but oftentimes that obstacle
is her husband's permission.
You really think, this week, right now,
is the best time to talk about this?
No! I literally said that 30 seconds ago.
it's just a female perspective
from another generation.
Another generation?
Ah, you're on a roll.
Bette Davis, Bacall, Hepburn.
- Funny women.
- Judy Holliday.
Judy Holliday? Go to hell.
They are funny women.
And they're smart and tough
and they outsmart the men.
So why do you and Gracie Allen
feel like you have to
Oh, stop. Okay.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Maddie, I love you.
You're like, I guess,
- a great-granddaughter to me
from another generation. -Hmm.
And my fervent wish for you
is that, one day,
you will be half as funny as Gracie Allen.
In the meantime, please remember
that Lucy and Ricky and Fred and Ethel,
if they live past tomorrow,
have to live in a reality
that accepts the physical laws
of the universe.
Ricky knows that Lucy doesn't believe
there are possibly eight other men
in the apartment!
But I don't make that decision.
Let's go!
Mary Pat, cut the flowers.
And to be clear,
by cut the flowers, I mean
- She knows exactly what you mean.
- Yeah, let's go.
Judy Holliday.
This isn't happening.

Mr. Arnaz?
Come in.
Mr. Oppenheimer is here to see you
with Mr. Carroll and Miss Pugh.
Uh, nothing from Mr. Lyons yet?
Anyone at Philip Morris?
Acompame al escenario.
Walk me to the stage.
We're an hour behind.
Okay, Madelyn's got a new joke
for the second act.
I just this minute told Lucy
that we don't talk about who wrote what.
Madelyn came up with the joke
just seconds after I did.
Isn't it possible that two comedy writers
working on the same script
came up with the same joke
at the same time?
- It's possible.
- Thank you.
- Just not what happened.
- Do I need to be here for any of this?
Uh, Hypocrite? What's a hypocrite?
- So that's to Fred.
- Got it. Good.
- Is that what you wanted me for?
- Okay, no, no, no, no, no.
The hypocrite joke is for episode nine.
That's the script we're working on, okay?
If Lucy's gonna be pregnant
Lucy Ricardo
then we have to introduce it in nine,
according to your timetable.
- Yeah. -So I just want to confirm that
there's no chance we're doing that, right?
We are doing that.
You know Philip Morris won't let us.
And-and even if they did,
we don't want to see this girl pregnant.
We don't want to know that she's pregnant.
We don't want to know
how she got pregnant.
Do we have viewers who don't know
how women get pregnant?
Yeah, they're called children.
Uh, do any of these children have
younger brothers or sisters?
You know what, you know what else
a lot of our viewers are? Christian.
Ah, I'm way ahead of you.
I'm going to have a priest, a minister
and a rabbi review every script.
I'm gonna get rewritten by
a priest, a minister and a rabbi?
- Mm-hmm.
- A joke in there somewhere.
Good, because if I'm rewritten
by a priest, a minister and a rabbi,
there aren't gonna be many
left in the script.
- Good one.
- Uh, Des
No, no, e-enough. Enough.
I sent a telegram to Alfred Lyons.
- You did.
- Yes.
And I've put the decision in his hands.
- Okay. Okay.
- All right.
Okay, good.
- You're that sure he's gonna say no, huh?
- I am.
- That it? Okay.
- Mm-hmm. -Yeah.
Oh, Bob, Bob, tell Desi that thing
you were saying before.
- Really?
- Guys.
No, it was interesting.
- Bob was saying that you
- Hmm?
are really the title character
of the show.
Because you are the I in I Love Lucy.
So strictly speaking,
you have top billing.
I am the I in I Love Lucy.
I never thought of it that way.
- Yeah, you like that?
- I like that.
patronize me again,
and I'll stick my hand down your throat
and pull your fucking lungs out.
- Look
- Excuse me.
What is it?
It-It's a telegram for Mr. Arnaz.
- It's from Mr. Lyons and Philip Morris.
- Mm.
- Vamos a ver.
- Yeah.
Let's go, please.
- We are an hour behind.
- Yeah.
What does it say?
To all Philip Morris and CBS employees;
Don't fuck with the Cuban.
He didn't come home
and he hasn't called.
Not that it makes any difference to me.
Oh, I can see that it doesn't make
any difference to you.
Why don't you call Ricky
and tell him you're sorry?
What? You think I'd allow my pride
Do you think
I'd swallow my pride like that?
What are you doing up?
I woke up and you weren't there.
So I went to the nursery
to see if everything was okay, and
she kicked her blanket off, so I fixed it.
That woke her up.
But as you can see,
I got her back to sleep.
You know we pay a housekeeper
to do the laundry, right?
I like doing laundry.
I never get the chance.
Okay, I'm going to put her back
in her little apartment now.
You should come back to bed.
I will.
Do you think I'd call him
and go crawling back?
What? Do you think I'd swallow my pride?
Do you think I'd call and go crawling

What? Do you think
I'd swallow my pride like that?

- Lucy?
- Over here.
Thanks, Bobby.
You got it, Bill.
What the hell?
Thanks for coming down.
- It's 2:00 in the morning.
- Sorry about that.
Kid, what's going on?
I'm gonna restage the dinner scene.
Let's go to my dressing room
and call Desi.
No, Desi's at home with the baby.
We can do this.
- Does he know you're here?
- He's sleeping.
Let me take you home.
- Is that him?
- That's Viv.
You called her, too?
I'm restaging the dinner scene.
This isn't for beginners, you know.
This isn't school.
I don't hire the directors.
I know. I'm just saying.
- What's happening here?
- Thanks for coming, Viv.
- Is everything all right?
- The three of us
are on an empty soundstage
at 2:00 in the morning,
she's drunk, I'm not.
So, yeah, everything's great.
Why do you ask?
Your call just said to come to the stage,
that it was an emergency.
- So I
- We need to re-block the dinner scene.
It's not gonna take long.
- What?
- You heard her right.
It won't take long.
We just need to make an adjustment.
Two people who are fighting
have to share a seat at a dinner table.
First thing, we take this, move it upstage
so the camera can see you.
Now, this can't just be
a mishmash of pushing.
Can't just be a scrum.
Each move has to be articulate.
So Ethel elbows Fred.
Elbow him.
Fred elbows Ethel a little harder.
Ethel elbows Fred harder.
- Hey!
- Then Fred.
Now hit each other at the same time
and fall off the chair.
That's that.
Let's run it a couple of times at speed.
Did something happen?
- I'm sorry?
- At home.
- Did something just happen?
- Uh
No. I was, um
I was doing some laundry and
Yeah. Yeah.
I wanted to fix this beat.
I I couldn't sleep.
It's like when you're not sure
if you've left the oven unlocked.
Door unlocked. Nothing.
I wanted to fix this beat.
Let's do it again.
You know I did this show
so Desi and I could be together?

I had no idea it was gonna be a hit.
I just thought,
Well, the construction department's gonna
build us a little apartment, and
that's where we'll live most of the time.
You know?
And it worked out.
This is where
It's like a story
you'd read a little girl.
A witch puts a curse on a woman.
She'll be adored by the man she loves,
but only as long as she stays on this
Patch of ground.
It's still a lot more
than most people get.
Let's run it at speed.
I'm gonna drive you home.
- Let me take
- I am the biggest asset
in the portfolio of
the Columbia Broadcasting System,
the biggest asset in the portfolio
of Philip Morris tobacco, Westinghouse.
I get paid a fortune
to do exactly what I love doing.
I work side by side with my husband,
who is genuinely impressed by me.
And all I have to do to keep it is kill
every week for 36 weeks in a row,
and then do it again the next year.
So let's do it again.

After RKO dropped Lucy's contract,
MGM had her in for a Technicolor test,
which she didn't know yet would be one of
the most important moments in her life.
A man named Sydney Guilaroff
was Metro's chief hair stylist.
Looked at Lucy and said, The hair
is brown but the soul is on fire.
He dyed her hair a new color.
Quiet, please.
It's time for My Favorite Husband,
starring Lucille Ball.
Jell-O, everybody!
Yes, it's the gay family series,
starring Lucille Ball
with Richard Denning,
transcribed and brought to you
by the Jell-O family of desserts.
The big red letters
stand for the Jell-O family
Oh, the big red letters stand for
the Jell-O family
- That's Jell-O
- Yum, yum, yum
- Jell-O puddings
- Yum, yum, yum.
And now, Lucille Ball with Richard Denning
as Liz and George Cooper,
two people who live together and like it.
As we look in on the Coopers,
it's a beautiful spring day
and Liz is just going to the kitchen
to talk to Katy, the maid.
- Oh, Katy?
- Yes, Mrs. Cooper?
Katy, I've got some good news for you.
- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh?
What do you mean, Uh-oh?
I say I've got some good news
and you say, Uh-oh?
Every time you say you've got good news,
it's usually good for you and bad for me.
Oh, well
that's a little true.
Come on in.
That was a good show.
Yeah, I thought so, too.
Pass it on to Maddie and Bob, would you?
Mm-hmm. I've, uh, I got two gentlemen
out here who'd like to meet you,
and you're gonna want to hear
what they have to say.
Does it need to sound ominous?
Can't they just come in?
Yeah. Please, come in.
- Lucille Ball.
- Yes, sir.
David Levy,
head of comedy development, CBS.
David Hart,
head of current programming, CBS.
Well, David and David,
I've been in a current comedy at CBS
and I've never heard of either of you.
CBS Television.
CBS does television?
- Yeah. Edward R. Murrow is one of our t
- I was kidding.
- Understood.
- That was funny.
Thank you.
These, uh, these men
have an interesting idea.
Lucy, we've been here
to the show a few times now.
We noticed that when you do the show,
you use gestures and expressions.
You mean the acting?
My face, my body, my voice,
that's all I get to work with.
It's just unusual because it's radio.
I watched Jack Benny.
He plays it for the studio audience.
It works pretty well for him.
It does.
And it works pretty well for you, too.
Very well.
And we think it's a shame
that no one gets to see it.
Invent a way to see what's on the radio.
We did. It's television.
- Are you here to sell me one?
- Lucy.
They want to put
My Favorite Husband on TV.

I'm very interested.
That's great.
Is it too early to raise a glass?
To My Favorite Husband.
Except I don't want to do
My Favorite Husband.
- I'm confused.
- Yeah, me, too.
Don't panic. It's simple.
I'm interested in the idea of doing
My Favorite Husband on television.
I just want it to be a different show.
What kind of show do you want it to be?
One where Desi plays my husband.
I understand there's a casting issue.
- Was that to me?
- Yes.
I wasn't sure. You're quite a ways away.
Our casting department
has come up with a list
of very exciting names
that we think you'll like.
- Pass this down to Lucy.
- These are all very funny men.
I think we have mimeos for everyone.
One of the best lists
I've seen in a while.
Number 12 died last week.
- That's my fault.
- There's no issue.
What was that?
I was answering Mr. Macy.
There's no casting issue.
I'm ready and eager to do
a half-hour domestic comedy for CBS,
if the role of my husband
let's call him Shmezy is played by Desi.
- Can I remark on this?
- Please.
On My Favorite Husband, your husband
is the fifth vice president of a bank.
- Yes.
- Can I ask you, in all candor,
do you see Desi
as the fifth vice president of a bank?
I can't see him being
the fifth vice president of anything.
I can see him owning the bank.
You see the problem?
I see what you think is the problem.
- Lucy.
- Yes.
I don't ordinarily come
to meetings like this.
This meeting is several floors below
my general interest.
I'm here to deliver a hard truth.
We cannot have an all-American girl
married to a man who isn't American.
He is American.
He was a sergeant in the U.S. Army
and he served in the war.
You know exactly what I mean, Lucy.
- He's Spanish.
- Still no.
He's never been to Spain in his life.
He speaks Spanish. He was born in Cuba.
His father was the mayor of Santiago,
Cuba's second largest city.
- You know exactly what
- What you mean? Yes.
I do.
Look, I'm not here
to get a job for my nephew.
Desi Arnaz is a phenomenally talented man.
Not just a world-class musician,
but a very good actor
who would be a movie star if there was
such a thing as a Cuban movie star.
Moreover, we work very well together.
I go out and meet him when he's touring,
he brings me up for some sketches,
and it works.
- Jess?
- Yeah, it works.
Any cultural differences
will make for good comedy.
Am I right, Jess?
You're not wrong.
Now, I don't want to take
another meeting like this
'cause I don't know how many more people
will fit around the table.
My position is not gonna change.
You want me on television?
There is only one television show
that I'm willing to do.
So, what's it gonna be?
All right, holding. Get Des.
We think it's about 15 minutes.
- You think?
- We're holding for something.
- I'm not sure what.
- Okay, thanks.
Yeah, come in.
- Can I have a second?
- Sure.
I think I know why you want to see me.
- Do you?
- Hear me out.
I asked you to do me a favor, Jess.
- I asked you to give him an E.P. credit.
- Mm-hmm.
Instead, you tried to convince him he was
the title character or some bullshit.
What the hell was that?!
I'm sorry if he was insulted.
I mean, I know he's insulted,
so I'm sorry.
He wasn't insulted.
He was laughing about it.
But, yeah, he's insulted.
No, he's offended. I'm insulted.
- I asked you to do me a small favor.
- Yeah.
And it's not like
you don't owe me a couple.
It wasn't a small favor.
And I don't know what you think I owe you.
- Really?
- It wasn't a small favor.
- You asked me to save your marriage.
- No, I
And-and it's not the first time
you've asked me to do that, is it?
I asked you to give him
an E.P. credit, that's all.
Oh, no problem.
Can my wife play Lucy once in a while?
If your wife played Lucy once in a while,
I would think it appropriate
she be so credited.
And what do you mean
it's not the first time
I asked you to save my marriage?
Jess, Jess,
we'll have Desi play my husband.
- It'll save my marriage.
- Was that supposed to be me?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Don't do voices.
Oh, are you insulted? Desi's offended?
You asked me to give away my job title
like it was a parking spot!
You're right.
- I'm sorry!
- Jesus Christ, Lucy!
Sometimes I think that you
Wait, what?
You're right. I'm sorry.
I was dead wrong.
I wasn't expecting that.
- I know.
- Have you ever said that to me before?
I doubt it, but
I've thought it, if that means anything.
It does.
It's just been
a compound fracture of a week.
- Why are we holding?
- I'm not sure.
We're holding. Someone has to know why.
He's-he's coming.
Come in.
Desi's asking to see you in his office.
- You mean in his dressing room?
- No, he's in his office
with some CBS executives
and some men from Philip Morris.
Why is he in his office at showtime?

The evening editions just came out.
Listen to me.
Memorize this.
It's none of your fucking business.
Let that be the best thing I ever wrote.
It's still Vitameatavegamin.
The evening edition.
It's all right.
It's all right.
It's in four-inch type.
I'm gonna fix this.
That's Hindenburg type.
I've already made the calls.
- And they used red ink.
- Yeah.
I didn't even know newspapers had red ink.
I guess they do.
I was cleared.
Somehow, the city editor,
a woman named Agness Underwood,
has a photostatic copy of the affidavit
showing you registered in 1936
as a voter intending to affiliate
with the Communist Party.
But I was cleared.
After the testimony,
they stamped canceled on the card,
and I saw the card.
Other papers are
showing the canceled card.
They're running a caption that says,
Note the cancellation at left.
But the Herald-Express took the word
canceled out of the document altogether.
Other papers?
Yes, yes, but I've-I've made calls
and we are taking care of this.
- We Eh?
- Calls to who?
Every reporter within 20 minutes
of this soundstage.
That's why we're holding.
- You're saying reporters are coming here?
- Yeah.
We'll seat them in the back
of the bleachers.
You think we're still filming a show?
Why are none of you talking?
Desi has an idea.
I'm going to warm up the audience
the way I always do,
except instead of Cuban Pete
and the joke about the turtle,
I'm going to tell them what happened.
I'm going to explain
that you checked the wrong box,
I'm going to show them
the canceled document,
and then I'm going to bring you out
so the press sees them
give you a round of applause.
Fellas, can we, um
have the room for just a moment?
You're not telling these people
that I checked the wrong box.
This is a critical moment, Lucy.
- If I'm gonna die
- You're not.
I would rather die standing up.
I don't have any idea
what that is suppo
I'm not an idiot.
I didn't check the wrong box.
You saw the headline.
- You can see the headline
from outer space. -Then please
Grandpa Fred raised me
from when I was age four.
He cared about the little guy.
He cared about workers' rights.
It was a tribute to him,
and to say that I checked the wrong
Grandpa Fred, Grandpa Fred.
Grandpa Fred was wrong, Lucy!
Yes, he didn't tell you the part
where they throw your father in prison
for the crime
of being the mayor of a city.
I was chased to this country, Lucy!
Believe me, you checked the wrong box!
And if they don't applaud?
They will.
And the press will write that they did.
You're gonna tell them I was accused of
They're going to read it
in the morning anyway.
We have a sample population
of 200 people on our stage, so
Miss Rosen!
If they boo me?
If they boo you
then we're done.
Here, tonight.
Call this man.
Tell them it's for me.
They'll find him.
He's expecting my call.
Tell me when you have him.
Yes, sir.
Someone said they spotted you
going out here.
I was just told.
Jesus, Lulu. Four-inch type?
Red ink.
I shouldn't have piled on this week.
It just
None of that matters right now.
May be the last time we're out here.
Say it.
Lucy Ricardo is married to a man
six years younger than she is,
and Ethel is married to her grandfather,
and it's understood,
as the underlying premise
for a running joke,
that I'm not pretty enough for him.
It got to me.
And at the world's worst time.
That was a knockout dress.
Oh. You two want to be alone out here?
- No.
- Yes.
You're my hero.
I care about what works, Maddie.

I care about what's funny.
I don't see myself caring about a
woman's perspective from a new generation.
I care about you.
I'd love for someone
to bring me breakfast.
That's not what we were talking about.
Doesn't a P.A.
bring you breakfast every day?
- Yes.
- Okay.
Never French toast.
- We'll look into that.
- I came out here
to try to distract you with nonsense,
but I assume these two beat me to it.
Viv doesn't like the jokes
about Ethel being unappealing.
Yeah, there's no one within the sound
of her voice who doesn't know that.
I said what I felt.
You've been saying what you felt
since the first day of work.
It's not like you've suddenly
given voice to your feelings.
You know what?
Sweet ladies?
Something dies inside a man
it just dies
the first time
he hears a girl call him old.
So on the subject of
Jess, Bob and Madelyn writing Ethel jokes,
I'm indifferent.
You two
are good actors.
It's a privilege doing this show with you.
Now you're scaring the shit out of me.
I was just gonna say.
Desi's gonna tell the audience.
He's invited press.
He's betting that the audience
will accept the truth,
give their approval,
and the press will write about it.
I'd take the other side of that bet.
Excuse me.
Mr. Arnaz is ready to do the warm-up.
Uh, they told me you wanted to know.
Thank you.
All right.
See you out there.
- Good show.
- Good show.
Good show.
The dinner scene is inarguably better.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
give a warm welcome
to one of the stars of I Love Lucy.
You know him as Ricky Ricardo.
Here's Desi Arnaz!
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Usually, right now, I'd be doing
the final audience warm-up.
I'd tell you an old joke about a turtle.
And I'd point out
our groundbreaking camera system
that allows the studio audience
to watch the show unobstructed
and introduce you to the rest of the cast.
I'm not doing that tonight,
and here's why.
Last week, my wife, Lucille Ball,
was asked to testify
in front of a closed session
of the House
Un-American Activities Committee.
Yes, the congressmen
who investigate Communism.
After hours of testimony,
the committee concluded unambiguously
that Lucy was and is in no way
involved with the Communist Party.
So everything's swell, right?
Because this is the evening edition
headline in the Herald-Express.

I made some phone calls.
I called the editor of the Herald-Express.
I called the chairman of the committee.
I called all the members of the committee.
And I made one more call to someone,
and I believe he's still on the line.
Thank you.
Are you still with me, sir?
I'm now standing in front of a
studio audience in Hollywood, California,
and we are joined by
a number of members of the press.
That's fine.
We want to know, sir, does the FBI
have any case against Lucy?
Does the FBI have any evidence
of wrongdoing?
Does the FBI have any reason to believe
that Lucille Ball is a Communist?
No. Absolutely nothing.
She's 100% clear.
Thank you, sir. One more question.
Will you tell us your name please?
This is J. Edgar Hoover.
Thank you, sir.
Enjoy your evening.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome my wife
and the star of I Love Lucy, Lucille Ball!

So enjoy the show!
It's all over!
Thank you.
- It's over now.
- Thank you.
They love you.
I love you.
No one's gonna mess with you ever, Lucy.
I thought they were gonna boo.
You want to do a show?
Have you been cheating on me?
- What?
- Have you been cheating on me?
- Is this a bit?
- No.
No, I haven't been.
When you stay out all night,
you're on the boat playing cards?
- Yes.
- You haven't been with anybody else?
- What's going on with you, honey?
- Don't gaslight me.
Where did this come from?
I mean, they just cheered
for you out there.
They got it right, didn't they?
- Lucy
- They only got the picture wrong.
- Luc
- Did they get it right?
- Lucy
- Did they get it exactly right?
Jesus Christ, I just proved out there
that the Herald-Express got it wrong.
You think Confidential magazine
Conf We're about to do a show.
- Just tell me.
- Tell me why you think
other than that garbage
tell me why you think I've cheated on you.
That is your lipstick.
Remember? You kissed me
at the beginning of the week,
and then took my handkerchief
and wiped the lipstick off
and put it back in my pocket.
And you said you'd never done that before.
I hadn't.
Then what the hell are we talking about?
This is my lipstick.

They were just call girls.
They're hookers.
It doesn't mean anything, Lucy.
- Look, Lucy, it doesn't mean
- Mm.
Let's do the show. Yeah?
Let's just forget about this
for a half hour.
Yeah? Let's do the show.
Jim, let's go!
- It's not gonna get better than this.
- Copy that.
- All right, everybody!
- Let's do a show!
This is places for scene A!
- Scene A!
- Scene A, places!
Okay, positions, everyone.
- Cameras up.
- Cameras up.
Quiet on set. Bell!
- Quiet please!
- Quiet please!
Picture's up!
- Picture's up.
- Quiet, everyone!
- Let's roll sound.
- Rolling! -Rolling!
- Sound speed.
- And mark.
- Speed mark.
- Dolly.
Settle. And action.
It ended up being a good show that night.
We did both versions of the opening,
but it was the original version
that made it on the air,
the one with all the names.
You must've gotten a copy
of the B negative,
'cause your original question was
For the record, I won my bet with Desi.
CBS wouldn't let us use
the word pregnant.
But more people watched
the birth of Little Ricky
than had ever watched
a television program before.
Your original question?
You asked about why Lucy stopped
when we were doing the alt.
The alternate version.
We were doing Lucy's version
of Ricky's entrance first.
She was doing the bit with the flowers,
which we couldn't use
'cause we were running long.
She takes a pitcher
and pours water into the vase
Which makes all the flowers
come up to the surface.
It seemed like she just got lost
in her own head for a second.
I can't remember what her cue was.
It may have been the only time
she ever went up on a line.
I can't remember the first line, but we
we had to stop and go again.
It was Desi's line.
It was the new bit Lucy put in.
What was his line?
Lucy, I'm home!

I got lost for a second.
All right, let's cut and go again.
We never went back to do
another take of the alternate opening.
Lucy just wanted to move on.

- Oh!
- Guess who it is.
Bill? Sam?
- Pat?
- No.
Pedro? Pablo?
No, it's me.
Ah, yes, of course.
- Uh
- Very, very funny.
- Hey, company for dinner?
Who is it?
How do you like
the new water glasses, Ricky?
Who's coming for dinner, Lucy?
Doesn't the table look beautiful tonight?
- Lucy, who is it?
- Some people.

They call me Cuban Pete
I'm the king of the rumba beat
When I play the maracas, I go
Chick chicky boom, chick chicky boom
Yes, sir, I'm Cuban Pete
I'm the craze of my native street
When I start to dance,
everything goes
Chick chicky boom, chick chicky boom
The seoritas, they sing
and how they swing with this rumbero
It's very nice
So full of spice
And when they're dancing
They bring a happy ring,
the maraquero
Singing a song
All the day long
So if you like the beat
Take a lesson from Cuban Pete
And I'll teach you
to chick chicky boom
Chick chicky boom, chick chicky boom
S, seorita
I know that you would
like to chicky boom chick
Because it's the dance
Of Latin romance
And Cuban Pete doesn't teach you
in a hurry like Arthur Murray
I come from Havana
And there's always maana
So, seorita, please
Take it easy, do it with ease
And you'll love it
when you do the chick
Chick chicky boom, chick chicky boom.