Bernard and Huey (2017) Movie Script

[skateboard rolling]
[trumpet playing]
[pencil drawing]
[cricket chirping]
[street traffic and crosstalk]
[upbeat music]
- [Huey] Jenna, Allie,
Genevieve, Lucia,
Allison, Tricia, Zoe,
- No one likes my poetry.
- Here's a good one for you,
Name's Irene.
I don't read poetry.
- You read Bukowski.
- He's an icon.
- I hate the name Irene.
I hate everything about my life.
I'm not progressing.
Where am I gonna be in,
in 25 years?
- Dead.
- At 49?
I don't even exist now.
How can I be dead at 49?
I'll be a failure because no one
wants me.
- We'll all be dead, man.
- Jesus, you're depressing.
- Nuclear winter, man.
- I'm not political.
- It's outta your hands.
- Don't you want to do
anything with your life, Huey?
- Until the bomb?
Get laid.
- Is that it?
- Is that bad?
Do you get laid?
- I think that I...
I am waiting to fall
in love first.
So who's this Irene?
- Student.
But in a good way.
- Why did you write
"loose cannon?"
- Yeah.
You'll find out.
[dramatic music]
[plane landing]
- You know what I miss?
Is the '80s chick.
A certain kind.
Radical in the streets.
Experimental in bed.
So feminist she'd fuck anybody
and she didn't care for me any
more for me
than I care for her.
The '80s chick.
- You're a pig.
- My ex-wife, Suzanne,
she was compassionate,
but not really.
Like she was compassionate
to a point.
I mean, what I mean to say is,
my ex-wife
was compassionate when
it suited her purposes.
More a tactic than an ethic.
My ex-wife's compassion
had an agenda.
But I don't need to tell you,
compassion is superficial.
- Hi.
Adorable man.
- I hate you.
[phone ringing]
Yeah, I got him.
I told you I would.
The fuck kinda question is that?
He looks fat, and bald,
and sweaty.
Hey, get back!
Get back here,
you son of a bitch!
You fucker.
- So, I will call you tomorrow.
Actually, tomorrow is
a busy day.
- I don't pick up,
so I'll call you.
- I'm actually gonna be
out of the office all week,
so I tell you what,
why don't I text you?
I'll text you.
- I'll text you.
- Dammit.
I start doing something
with this place tomorrow.
I start doing something
with this place tomorrow.
She must have
forgotten something.
Or maybe she loves me.
- Every 25 years, right?
I drop in, right?
- Uh...
- What are you staring at?
- I'm...
- Why are you standing there
with your finger up your ass?
- Sorry, I think you
have the wrong apartment.
- Oh, shit!
You don't fuckin' know who I am.
- Okay, look, I, I don't...
- I can't fucking believe
this one, Bernard!
I shouldn't fuckin' know you!
That is the kind of
friends we were.
If anybody's gonna
forget somebody
in this fucking friendship,
it's me, you, all right?
- Wait.
- Yeah!
- What's going on?
You've changed.
Not in a mean way.
- It's good to see you!
- It's good to see, oh...
- Hey, do you have any
Black Flag?
Circle Jerks?
Some vinyl.
- No, I know what you're
talking about.
No, I do not.
- Y'know, you still have
your cassettes?
'Cause those are comin'
back, haven't you heard?
- No, I don't have cassettes.
Huey, I don't even have a bed!
Not for you.
I just have one.
And I...
- Shit.
I'll tell you what.
I will...
- Jesus, Huey!
I'll buy a bed!
- What?
No no no.
You don't have to buy
me furniture,
just because I don't have any.
- Oh.
That's no problem.
Did you just move in?
- Five years?
Yeah, it's a...
- What?
- It's been five years.
But there's a reason for that.
I'm going to get furniture.
- [Bernard] Why do I always end
up with girls who are neurotic?
- Oh, you dig that chick?
- Where?
- Some piece!
She's on a little magazine kick.
- [Bernard] Y'know, in the
beginning, they seem so normal.
- Who?
- The girls I go out with!
I never know they're neurotic.
- [Huey] I love it, man!
It kills me!
Hey, baby!
- In the beginning, they
tell me how different I am.
I'm not crude and demanding
like the other men they know.
- I dig the culture, baby.
I dig the scene.
Peace in Central America?
I've got a piece for you
in my Central America.
Smile, you phony little-magazine
tease, smile for Huey.
- Huey!
She's hiding yawns when I'm in
the middle
of talking about my childhood.
Soon, it's all over between us,
with her telling me that it's
her fault.
Like I'm the only boy
she ever respected.
- Shit, look at that
preppie airhead smile.
That skank's too fucking much.
- I've lost a lover.
A potential lover,
and won a friend.
Christ, what do I do wrong,
- Loan me a five, Bernie.
I got to travel.
- Don't you ever respect girls,
- If I had any respect for
chicks, I'd never make out.
Dig it, man!
- Uh...
- Hey.
I'm Huey.
- God!
- Barnard girls, Sarah
Lawrence girls, Radcliffe.
The classier, the more
independent, the more liberated,
the more Jewish.
He was my hero, and oh my God,
you should
see him now.
He's fat and bald and
old and really defeated.
Really bad looking.
Really awful looking.
And he once smelled of prowess,
and now he smells like a wino.
And he doesn't have a
place to live,
but he's got a roll of bills
that could get you indicted.
I mean, he's camped
out of my place,
and clearly he needs help,
and I'm just thinking,
you're a shrink, and...
- Oh, no.
- Please.
- No.
- Just talk to him and
give him some advice.
- No.
- He could be a
potential suicide.
- You don't know that.
- We don't not know that,
and I don't want to come
home to a dead body.
I have too much going on.
Just talk to him.
Really awful looking.
He's aging terribly.
[door opening]
I guess he's asleep.
- [Roz] He doesn't
sound suicidal.
- [Bernard] Well...
In that case, as long as
we're here...
- [Roz] Oh, I see.
The old suicidal-friend gambit.
- What?
- [Roz] Oh!
Oh, my God!
Oh my God, I love that!
Oh, you do that so well!
- You gotta be kiddin' me.
- [Roz] Yes!
What about your friend?
- [Bernard] It's probably
best not to wake him, I guess.
In his condition.
- [Roz] Right.
- [Bernard] I'm serious.
I don't know.
Looks like he's still breathing.
[phone beeping]
[water running]
[phone ringing]
- Hello?
- He's gone!
- [Huey] Hey!
- [Bernard] Hey!
Where did this stuff come from?
- Some dude down the street.
Will you pour the wine?
- [Bernard] What?
Oh, Huey, I don't...
- [Huey] Hey, uh, so last night.
What, uh, what was goin'
on up there?
You never made out!
- What?
That's not true!
- Don't tell me.
I made the scene, you
never made the scene.
- I made the scene.
- You were scene-adjacent.
Now, you're pinning
more tail than a donkey
at a kid's birthday party.
- [Bernard] Thank you.
- I'm duly impressed.
I'm confounded.
- It's not implausible.
- It's improbable.
I don't know whether to
shit or go blind.
It was beautiful, man.
I mean, I'd never seen anything
like it.
What this chick accomplished
is like the Versailles
of greeting cards.
Village chick.
Oh, my God, the curves.
But a Matisse when it came
to fucking greeting cards.
But who wants 'em?
So, no, my family's in
the printing trades.
My brother Marty runs the
business, right?
- I didn't know that.
- Oh, yeah.
I grew up in the
printing trades.
You never met Marty?
- [Bernard] No.
- Oh, he's the brains
of the operation
really hard worker.
- No, wait, your wife
designed the greeting cards?
- Well, the wife shit
came later.
First came the success shit.
Like Bombshell City.
Like what's happening.
How fast can you count?
She makes 'em, I print
'em, and it's, like,
six-figure heaven.
I'm talking zillionaire time.
Stamford, Connecticut, time.
150 employees.
Rolling over of moneys.
- I have to say, in all
the years I knew you,
I never thought of you
working for a living.
- Style!
The scene is what?
I won't lie, Fortune 500.
And then what?
I mean, her midlife crisis.
I'm cool.
But after 10 years of marriage,
she objects to me
fucking around?
Then she storms out on me?
Talk about a violation
of the wedding vows.
- Huey, I mean, technically,
you were the first
to violate the wedding vows.
She was a teenage debutante
A George F. Will sycophant
- Ahhhhh!
- Jeez!
- Punk rock!
I will take the leather
jacket and sweaters now.
When will the suits be ready?
- [Clerk] 10 days, sir.
How would you like to
pay for this?
Cash or credit?
- Cash.
- [Clerk] Great.
Where would you like it
delivered to?
- 360...
- 370.
West 11th.
- 12th.
- Apartment 4...
- N.
- N, N.
It's on the north side
of the building.
A lot of light in the morning.
And there are no curtains.
- Nope.
- You're insulting my work?
You just couldn't stand to
give me anything, right?
- You lost him!
- What am I?
In the CIA or something?
It's not my responsibility!
I did what I could!
- And then you lost him in New
York City?
- And, of course, you
have to insult my art,
because it just about
keeping me down below you.
- Of course I have to insult
your art.
You won't get out of
this penis phase, baby!
- So what is the deal with all
the cash?
- Just business.
- Okay.
And what is business?
It's kinda like a new retail.
- New retail?
Be more specific.
I'm just curious what you
do for a living.
- Um...
- What?
- Capture an old fat man that
left us...
- Let's go the other way.
- Why?
What are you...
Are you on the lam?
Is that what's happening?
- Define lam.
- Why should...
You know what I mean.
- You're absurd!
- It's your father...
- What do you care about
some old sweaty misogynist?
- I should never have
trusted you with this.
You never do anything right.
- Yes, you're right.
You should have hired
a private investigator
instead of your child,
and then made her feel
like an idiot for telling
the truth in her art.
- Yes.
Yes, I should have.
- I would lead with John Irving.
Milan Kundera.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
Fucking far out.
Tom Stoppard was hip city.
August Wilson.
Tony Kushner.
I would talk
Existentialism to hipsters.
- I know.
You act like I wasn't there.
- Well, I never paid.
Chicks always paid.
Didn't need money.
- Huey, I get it.
What's the problem?
- I haven't read a book
in 15 years.
- That doesn't mean
that you can't...
- [Woman] Bad boy!
- Oh, hey!
- Now I've found you!
- Yes, Huey, this is Stephanie.
- And Flo and Samantha.
- Hi.
- We just flew in from L.A.
- Nice to meet you.
- My God, I need a drink.
- Let's do that.
I can take care of that.
- Let's go!
- No, I don't go there anymore.
- Oh, God, I miss London.
- The Brits.
- But for me, you know,
that's the bottom line.
I won't go anywhere they bust
you for bringing in drugs.
It's a matter of principle,
I mean, so what does
your friend do?
- I don't know.
Why don't you ask him?
- You brought him, you ask him.
- It's easier to kick
drugs than booze.
- I think that's generational.
How old are you?
- How old are you?
- Huey!
- [Samantha] Bangkok is ruined.
- [Flo] Ruined!
- And Vietnam is ruined.
- Ruined!
- I mean, they get ruined
because they to Westernize.
I mean, wherever you
have capitalism,
you have Westernization,
but without capitalism,
there's no prosperity.
So then the people don't eat.
And of course people
have to eat...
Gotta eat...
So then they have to Westernize.
It's a tragic dilemma.
- Tragic.
- Do they let you
bring in drugs?
- Okay, I know you're
gonna laugh,
but I still like St. Barts.
- Yes.
The people of St. Barts
are the nicest.
- Oh, St. Barts is ruined.
- What?
- St. Thomas is nicer, I think.
- [Samantha] I don't want to
upset anyone, but we're talking
about a colonial culture here,
and I feel
very uncomfortable in a
colonial culture.
- The Virgin Islands
isn't colonial!
- Well, post-colonial.
- What does that even
mean, "post-colonial"?
- Here's what we're gonna do.
Why don't we go and travel
together, and we'll see
which is the nicest?
St. Barts?
St. Thomas?
[crosstalk drowns out dialogue]
- Nice.
Nice is overrated, and the
only island I dig is New York,
because it is no-frills mean.
Maybe you're having dinner,
you ask for
a little water, your waitress,
six times,
finally, you order a vodka
with water,
and maybe if you're lucky,
you'll see her next Tuesday.
The meanest salespeople
in the world?
New York City.
Help you?
They'd rather have their tongues
cut out.
- Jesus.
- Mean queers define
the meaning of meanness.
Top in Pops, mean queers.
Mean queers as sales personnel?
That is hands-down,
state-of-the-art meanness.
Meanness of a higher sphere.
- Do you really believe
this shit,
or are you just talking?
- Why don't we go to
your place and find out?
- Do me a favor, will you?
Come on, girls.
- I apologize for Huey...
- Enough.
- What?
- You are unbelievable.
No, seriously, seriously, Huey?
Why even speak?
Hey, Roz, where are you?
- It had to be said.
- Isn't this amazing?
- Mm-hmm.
- On a scale of one to
10, how amazing is this?
- Um...
- Yeah!
[moaning and laughing]
Oh, Roz!
Yeah, Yeah!
Oh Roz!
Say my name.
Say my name.
- Yes, Bernard.
- [Bernard] Oh Roz!
Woo, hoo, hoo!
[laughing and moaning]
[moaning loudly]
[phone beeping]
- [Zelda] Hey, what am I
doing here?
- This whole thing
was your idea.
If it wasn't for you,
I'd be drunk in Denver.
- It was Mom's idea,
and second of all,
I didn't find you in Denver,
I found you in Aspen.
What the fuck were you
doing in Aspen?
- How should I know?
I bought a pot farm in Colorado.
Aspen's in Colorado.
- Thank you.
- So, you livin' with some dude?
- [Zelda] Drop dead!
- If you think hating me's
gonna get on my nerves,
don't give it a thought.
- I don't even know you, man.
- Yes, you do.
Like it or not,
you're part of me.
- [Zelda] Oh, God.
- So, yes or no?
You're not married, are you?
How old are you?
- You don't even know
how old I am?
- I'm not great with details,
But before I left, I
was a very good father.
Did your mother tell you that?
- It must have slipped her mind.
- Do you like your name?
- Why?
Was it your idea?
- As a matter of fact.
Your mother wanted to
name you Virginia,
after Virginia Woolf.
I said, well, if we're
going to name her after
a crazy female writer,
dig this, let's name
her after an American crazy
female writer.
Thus, Zelda Fitzgerald.
- Is that supposed
to be endearing?
- Why, I think it has
a great pedigree.
Y'know, people say she
was the brains behind
the operation with old F. Scott.
Sadly, she was a bit
Spent years in the sanatorium.
- It seems I'm headed for the
same fate.
- Well, I hope not.
She died in a fire.
- I'd be open to that if it
would get me
out of here any quicker.
- When is your mother
getting here?
- [Zelda] Not soon enough.
- My ex-wife, Suzanne.
- Suzanne.
- She didn't know me the way you
know me,
so why did I marry her?
It wasn't her fault.
Y'know what?
Yeah, it was.
No, not really.
I wasn't there for her to know.
I only let her know
parts of myself,
don't ask me why.
- Fear of commitment.
- No, that wasn't it.
It just seemed too much
of an effort.
So when we split up, she
wasn't splitting up with me.
She was splitting up with
this fragment, this segment.
So the loss I felt was
no more or less a loss
than say, my little toe.
Losing my wife was like
losing my little toe.
The shit I say to you.
I wonder why.
Are you staying up?
- I think so.
- Hm.
All right.
- [Aggie] It's so bizarre!
The cards that I think are gonna
do well
just die on me,
and the cards that I do just
for the hell of it, like...
Zelda, what was that card, two
years ago,
you remember, it was so bizarre
it sold hundreds of thousands?
- I dunno.
Could it have been about a cat?
No, Zelda, cats always sell.
Cats sell better than
almost anything.
It's just not a challenge
to do a cat card.
Anyone that does a cat card,
even not very good one,
they sell millions.
You know what I call it?
I call it "catsism,"
like "sexism."
Oh, I am so bored of cats.
But, I just cannot, for
the life of me recall
the what, that card...
A baby!
How bizarre!
An ugly, little wrinkled baby.
That was the card!
Oh, no.
Huey, do you know that
your daughter has the
makings of a truly
brilliant cartoonist?
- Graphic novelist!
- You been published.
- Nothing long-form.
- Then you're still a
cartoonist, dear.
- Oh, Christ!
I can't do this anymore!
What are you doing?
Look at you!
Look at him!
You're acting like a, like a,
like a damsel in distress
about a fuckin' fat little
fringy man!
I can't, I can't sit
here anymore!
It's insane!
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry that I drink so much
and I talk so much gibberish.
She is very much her
father's daughter.
- Well.
Thank you.
What is she?
- 25.
- Oh.
She's got balls.
- Well, she's strong,
if that's what you mean.
Oh, Huey, I was out to
make a good impression.
- You know, I've got a
friend in publishing.
- I've got friends
in publishing.
- Well, I'm not making promises,
She's not a dyke?
- No!
What kind of question is that?
- She's ballsy.
What's her deal with men?
- She treats men like
you treat women.
She doesn't have much
faith in men.
And why should she?
- Don't finish it, Aggie.
- Her father left when
she was 10.
I'm sorry.
Don't be mad at me.
- Oh, I, no, I'm not...
No, I...
You look great, by the way.
I mean it!
I do, I do, I do, I do.
- As I live and breathe.
- [Huey] I dunno why this
is such a surprise to you.
- Huey, I didn't even
know you had a daughter.
- Well, I have a son, too.
- What?
- But that's a different story.
I mean, I've been with
a lot of women,
and they're not all careful.
- It was their fault?
- No problem.
My fault.
But it's their kid.
- You're a sociopath!
- No!
Hey, uh, maybe you can help
my daughter.
- No, Huey, please.
I'm bad enough with my
own family.
- She's a comic book writer.
What do they call it?
- Graphic novelist?
- Right!
And you're at Norton, dig?
So can't you?
- No, I have nothing to
do with that department.
No, I've got my own problems.
I don't want to help
your daughter.
- Wow!
- I can't decide which one
of you is more narcissistic,
but I've got patients to see.
Why they're not either
one of you, I don't know.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Hates men.
- [Roz] I can hear you!
- What is your problem?
You know women chew more
gum than men these days.
[gum smacking]
Maybe there's a cartoon in that,
that could be kinda funny,
The smart women.
The smartest women I know,
the more they, um...
The more they...
Honestly, I don't know
what to say about these.
- [Zelda] Right.
- No, I'm...
I'm not the most
person in the world.
My opinion, it hardly matters.
I'm only associate publisher
for historical nonfiction.
What I like doesn't count
for a lot around here,
- But you don't like the stuff.
- No, no.
I mean, it's definitely, y'know,
full of bile against men,
not that that's...
That's totally fair commentary.
That's, y'know, yeah...
I mean you have a point of view,
you know,
you definitely have a point of
view, so...
Do you think someone so
young should be doing work
that's this bitter?
- I'm not bitter.
Well, uh...
- You're just afraid.
- Oh?
Is that right?
- That's right.
You're afraid of the truth.
So's everyone else.
That's why I'm not famous.
[gum smacking]
How come someone like you
is friends with my father?
- That's a good question.
Why am I,
at this particular moment,
still friends with your dad?
Oh, here's another one!
Maybe this is, no,
that's more penises.
Yeah, I don't get it.
- What was I supposed to do?
Stay with her mother
after she takes
the greeting-card business
to another printer?
- She was mad at you for
playing around, Huey.
- Yeah, well I made those
fucking cards, all right?
She couldn't sell shit
until I started printing,
promoting, and placing them.
I got her into fucking Wal-Mart!
'Cause I love the art.
I mean, I loved her, too!
I busted my balls.
And yeah, I get it!
You know, she finds me in
bed with the cleaning lady.
Okay, fire the fucking
cleaning lady,
you don't fire your
husband's business.
- You had a child!
- Do you have a child?
- You know I don't.
- Don't know nothin', so don't
lecture me.
She humiliated me, and
nobody humiliates Huey.
- All right.
Got it.
- Just don't judge me.
- You know what?
Let's just go home.
- No problem.
- Hey, baby.
- Hey, baby.
You wanna go out, sugar?
- Wanna have a good time?
- Bargain rates tonight, baby.
- Two for one, sugar.
Are you alive, sugar?
I've never paid for it
in my life.
- [Courtesan] Oh.
- No.
Hookers used to give it to me
for free.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't do free, baby.
Sorry, honey.
- All right, well, I'm
sorry to disappoint you.
I'm , I'm, I'm Huey.
- Who?
- Huey Beauchamp!
- No.
- I am Huey Beauchamp!
I have never paid for it
in my life!
- Are you shittin' me, sugar?
- No.
C'mon, let's go.
Night night.
- [Courtesan] I remember
Huey Beauchamp...
A little tiny boy...
- How much?
- [Courtesan] I like tiny boys.
They don't hurt.
- Let's go.
Let's go.
- They used to give it to me.
- All right.
- I'm not...
That's not even bragging.
That's just true.
- [Bernard] All right.
- [Huey] No problem.
- Huey, ow!
Ow, you're drunk.
You're not getting it
from me for free either.
- You know what we are living
in, man?
The age of the urban chick.
They're hip.
They know it all.
- I feel like a schmuck.
- The urban chick is
trained for combat, man.
- What do I do?
I'm not basically competitive.
- You take the urban chick on
her terms, man, you're dead!
- How many times can I feel like
a schmuck
without also feeling
like a loser?
- There's only one way I
know to get through the armor
of the urban chick.
- How?
- Talk dirty.
- Talk dirty?
- I don't mean
self-conscious dirty,
like it's a current in thing.
She does that herself.
I'm talking animal dirty.
Like you got to make her
believe she's in a jungle
and the rules she learned at
Smith or Barnard don't apply.
Talk dirty?
- You mean, like,
really, like, talk dirty?
- Talk "asshole."
Talk "shit."
Talk "pussy."
Talk "fuck."
Never ask a personal question
and never pick up a check...
To the urban chick, goons
like me are a status symbol.
- This works?
- Works every time.
Put the urban chick on the
defensive, man,
she'll think she's in love.
And with all that armor,
how's she gonna
know the difference?
- I didn't even know
Huey had children.
A daughter, that is.
What's it like to see him
for the first time in, what?
15 years?
- I don't really think about
it one way or the other.
- Are you really this tough?
- I mean, my mom wanted
to see him.
You know?
And once she gets an
idea in her head,
it's like a whole thing, so...
Plus, it was a good excuse for
me to kind of travel around,
and go into some cons,
and meet publishers,
show 'em some of my stuff, so...
- How did you even find him?
- I mean, he's fat, and loud,
and slings money
around like crazy,
So it's kind of hard
to miss him.
It's almost as if he wanted to
be found.
Y'know, you're not
macho like him, are you?
- Well...
No one's macho like Huey, so...
- Y'know, most of the
guys I meet,
I kind of bring out the
macho in them, but not you.
- Is that right?
- Yeah, that's right.
- I'm too old.
- I get the feeling you
were never really that way.
What were you like when you were
my age?
- I wasn't very mature.
- Hmmm.
- Late developer, huh?
- [Bernard] If only.
- I was an early developer.
I bet you were some kind
of, like, wimp, huh?
- I was a wimp.
I was a classic wimp.
- [Zelda] Well.
Just goes to show.
- What?
- That there's hope
for wimps yet.
- Uh, not anymore.
- Hm.
Did you abandon your wife, too?
- We were only married
for six weeks.
- You got kids?
- After six weeks?
- Oh, that's good.
- [Bernard] Why is that good?
- I wouldn't feel right about
it if there were children.
- Feel right about what?
- You tell me.
You're my best friend's
daughter, uh...
- [Zelda] Uh-huh.
- Doesn't that make
you feel awkward?
- Mmmm...
Should we split?
- Uhhh...
- C'mon.
Trust me.
We call ourselves the
Katrinka Kollective.
- [Bernard] And who's Katrinka?
- You're old you should know.
Coming through, guys!
- You promised to help me
on my app deadline, Zelda!
- [Zelda] Five minutes, Celia!
- Your ass, Zelda!
And don't use your room, Zelda.
Harry's in there.
- Why can't Harry sleep
in your room, Celia?
- [Celia] Because your room
doesn't get
the Bushwick traffic.
Okay, Zelda?
- Yo, Harry, out!
While we're young, buddy!
Let's go!
All right!
All clear!
- Uhhh...
[upbeat music]
- This is really good.
Here you go, buddy!
- Awesome!
Thank you.
Thank you for my meal!
- [Zelda] My pleasure.
[upbeat music]
- What's this?
- It's a present.
- Who is she?
- Roz, come on.
No, that's...
It's a tenth
anniversary present.
It's 10 years since we started
breaking up with each other.
Open it.
- I'm sure it's the
perfect gift.
- Yes.
- I know it's the perfect gift.
But, whatever it is,
I don't want to
get into a fight tonight.
- Roz.
It is just a gift.
- But there is something,
a favor,
to make me like you again.
- What?
Ah, you like me.
That's something I never
have worry about ever.
- I don't know Huey.
Clearly he's not a person that
knows how to ask for help.
But I just thought it
would mean a lot to him
if you saw his daughter.
- Zelda?
- Yeah, Zelda.
You know, just give her some
advice on publishing, and...
- No, no, no, yeah.
- Something.
- Yeah.
- That's not too much, is it?
- No.
That's great.
I will meet Zelda.
- Good.
And take your gift back.
- Oh, it's a good one.
I mean, if you start to depend
on the compassion of others,
you can get hurt.
I know that.
If you spend your life
avoiding hurt,
you spend your life avoiding
life, y'know.
That's pretty good!
I just made that up.
Doesn't that sound like
something I've said
a million times before?
No, I just, uh...
You inspired that, Zelda.
No, it's true, it's true,
it's true.
This whole evening...
If I was with someone without
your appeal,
I don't think I could have
come up with that line.
Because, you know, usually
when I'm with a girl...
A woman, at least of late,
I don't get that sense of,
what the hell.
What the hell, just go for it.
But I get that with you.
- [Zelda] So, are you
currently involved?
- No.
- What are you laughing at?
- Involved?
- What, I thought that was,
one of your old man
nonfiction words.
Old man?
Yes, that's my word.
- [Zelda] What about
Are you, uh, committed
to anyone at this moment?
- No.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
- I mean, what about
our communication?
Do you think we'll still
be able to communicate,
given our age difference?
- Yeah.
Yeah, we can, we can
talk about books, hmm?
- What's a book again?
- Okay, there you go.
I'll introduce it to you.
That'll be a good conversation
to have.
- Man, I bet I know
what you love.
- Hmm.
- I bet you love rock 'n' roll,
- Ow!
- I bet it's really your style.
- Yes, you know me
so well already.
Rock 'n' roll and books,
that's me.
- You know, I think one day,
I'm actually really gonna
surprise you.
- You already are surprising me.
- No, I mean it, Bernie.
I wanna be a great
graphic novelist.
I'm gonna be famous.
I feel like I'm gonna be
the voice of my generation.
- I know you will be, hmm?
- No, not her.
Not Maxine, not Debbie,
not Danielle, no...
- No?
- Here's a possibility.
- Who?
- Her name's Audrey.
Built like a brick shithouse.
Lives in the Bronx.
- What?
The Bronx!
Don't you have anything
in the City?
- [Huey] Jezebel.
- Okay.
- [Huey] Not for you.
- Now, wait, no, no.
Who is Jezebel?
- She'd destroy you, Bernard.
- Great.
Give me Jezebel!
The real stuff.
A dancer.
- What kind of dancer?
- Modern.
- Sounds limber.
- Lives in the Village.
Call her now.
- Now?
But, it's after midnight, Huey.
- To Jezebel, man,
it's only lunchtime.
- Oh, hello, Jezebel.
Uh, my name is
Bernard Mergendeiler.
A friend of mine, Huey
Beauchamp, gave me your number
because he thought that you and
I might...
No, yes, yeah, no, he, he's
fine, uh, but,
Huey thought that, uh, it'd be
good if you
and I could...
No, I'm sorry, I don't
have his new number,
but what I do have
are two tickets
to the Tom Waits concert
on Monday.
No, Huey will not be there.
He's out of town, I think.
Jezebel, Jezebel, on Tuesday...
Tuesday night...
I was invited to a Robert
Mapplethorpe opening...
Oh, oh, okay...
Um, are you free Wednesday?
There's a new French
film screening.
It's "Shoah."
I don't know anything about it,
but, uh,
sounds like a musical.
Uh, you're free!
Uh, great.
10 pm.
Cinema Studio.
Yeah, I'll meet you out front.
I will be the one
carrying a copy
of "Lady Chatterley's Lover."
You know, actually I just
started it, but,
um, I'm really so far
enjoying the whole...
No, sure.
No, of course.
Hey, man.
I'm totally gonna stick it to
that skank.
- I dig it, man.
- I think I do, too.
- [Bernard] Roz, just, c'mon
- No, just get out of here...
Get out!
- Roz, let me explain!
- Oh, you've come here
to tell me you're in love
with a 25-year-old
underground cartoonist?
- Graphic novelist.
And no, I don't know
what it is yet.
- It's the fucking present!
- What?
The present you gave me!
You always give me presents!
- Ow!
Roz! Roz! Roz!
Look, I'm not any more
happy about it than you are!
- Oh, you think I'm stupid?
- No...
- You want my understanding?
You want my compassion?
- No, I, you're a therapist.
- You're a prick!
- You know, you were the
one who asked me to meet her
in the first place!
[dramatic music]
- [Zelda] We never go
to your place?
- [Bernard] No,
I'm just embarrassed
for you to see my apartment.
- Because my father lives there!
- Zelda, I do--
- If you don't want Huey to
know about us, that's fine.
You just have to tell me.
- It's complicated.
Mainly, it's really
because of my apartment.
I just don't want you to see it
until I've had a chance
to do something with it.
- I don't think you're being
straight with me, Bernard.
Y'know, it's shaping up like
you're gonna
have to make a choice.
Huey or me?
[door opening]
- Hey, man!
- Hey.
Y'know, I'm...
I'm kinda surprised
we're still friends.
You hurt me.
You know that, right?
- Bullshit.
- No, really.
- That's bullshit, dude,
practically every girl
you ever had, I gave you.
- Yeah.
Do you remember Jezebel?
- [Huey] I know 17 Jezebels.
- You see, I still still think
of her,
and you can't even remember.
The dancer, Jezebel.
Huey, she was the girl
of my dreams.
You know that, right?
Yeah, no, I,
everything about her,
the way she looked at me.
The way she made me feel
smarter than myself.
Even witty.
She brought out, she
brought out, like depths,
that I didn't even...
Okay, you know what?
I'm not...
You're gonna judge me.
We were inseparable, okay?
I was addicted to her.
And then you told me
that I was pussywhipped.
No, not just,
you have to know the kind
of influence you had on me.
That stayed with me, for years.
Still with me.
And then, over nothing,
over some dumb issue,
something that meant
absolutely nothing,
I stood up to her.
I mean, I knew,
I knew I was in the wrong.
But I didn't want Huey to
think that I was pussywhipped.
So, we broke up.
One year later,
she's married to someone
who looks exactly like me.
Apparently, they live
in New Jersey.
They've got three kids,
and everyone says she
runs the family.
And all I do some
mornings is hope
her husband dies.
- Do you know what you
suffer from, my friend?
- [Bernard] What?
- Pussywhip envy.
- Okay, you know what?
I'm just saying, Huey, if...
Just don't...
Break me up with a woman again.
- Okay.
Put on your shoes.
I'll walk you to the subway.
- Honestly, don't bother.
Okay, I've never met
anyone so crude in my life.
- Yeah, crude.
Now put on your shoes.
I'll walk you to the subway.
I mean you want everything
your own way, okay?
You're spoiled.
- Yeah, spoiled.
Now put on your shoes, I'll
walk you to the subway.
- I mean, I have needs, too,
you know.
- Yeah, you need to put on
your shoes.
I'll walk you to the subway.
- You certainly gave me
a different impression,
that's all I'm saying.
I figured, go with the
Columbia guy,
they're not animals.
- Now, put on your shoes.
I'll walk you to the subway.
- Y'know, there's more to
life than self-gratification.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay, I hate to be
pushed into things.
We've barely said a word
to each other.
Even though, I admit
entirely too much time
is spent on talking now-a-days.
- Okay, you talked.
Now put on your shoes.
I'll walk you to the subway.
- We practically just met, okay?
Women hate to be used.
I hate to be used.
- I'm hip.
Put on your shoes...
- Mm-mm.
You're a very strange boy, Huey.
You're just used to women just
falling all over you, okay?
And I don't why you men
have to see beautiful
women as threats every time.
I just, I need my coffee.
- I'm out.
- I have money.
- You got enough for breakfast?
- Uh-huh.
- Hey, bring me a couple
of bagels back, will you?
- Any particular kind?
- Baby, I trust you.
- So, why does Bernard say
that you've fallen apart?
- I don't answer
analytic questions.
- Analysts don't ask questions,
they wait,
and I'm not waiting.
- Well, I could give
you a different answer
for every day of the week.
Um, my wife fucked me over.
Muscle tone.
Yeah, that's a good one.
A guy like me loses
muscle tone...
- So, why did you ask me
to dinner?
- You need a reason
'cause you're an analyst?
- No.
- Motivation.
You wanna know my motivation.
- Does this ever stop?
This performance?
- The Huey act?
- Oh, is that what you call it?
- Mm-hmm.
This time in my life is what?
Reversal time?
Y'know, when I knew
Bernard, he never made out.
- That no longer seems to be
his problem.
- And now it's, like, what?
A fuckin' joke?
It's like I'm him and he's me!
He's seein' a new chick,
you know.
- So you wanna sleep with me.
- She's young.
- And I'm not?
- [Huey] I've got no
frame of reference
for any chick under 40.
- I'm not gonna sleep with you,
- 20 years ago, you would have.
Believe me.
- Okay, can we talk about
something else?
How's your daughter?
- That's who he's dating.
- He told you?
- You think you're the
only shrink in the room?
He brings up old grudges,
he's mad at me all the time.
He didn't have to tell me.
- Well, does it bother you?
- Fuck yes, it bothers me!
You think I don't have feelings?
He's my only friend!
She's got my genes.
She will butcher him.
- [Zelda] Okay, look.
Do you like this?
- [Bernard] I don't.
You want me to be honest?
I don't understand it.
- [Zelda] Want some molly?
- [Bernard] What? No.
- All right. Suit yourself.
- [Woman] "Ich bin Scheisse.
Du bist Scheisse,
Manner sind Scheisse"
- You're not supportive
of my work.
- [Woman] "Manner sind Hunde..."
- Yes, I am.
- You're not.
You never ask to see what I'm
working on.
- I won't understand it,
and then you get mad at me.
- See!
You're not supportive!
- You want me to lie and
tell you I like something
I don't get?
- See, I don't understand why
you say
that you're supportive,
and then you sabotage
me like this.
- 'Cause I am supportive of you!
Does it mean I have to
understand your work?
- You just want me to be a
trophy, like an adornment.
- All you ever do is talk
about is your career.
- Because I'm young!
I have to talk about my career!
You don't have to talk about
your career
because you've already arrived!
I have not arrived, and,
frankly, you're standing
in my way.
- That's just plain stupid.
- I don't want us to
stay at my place anymore.
- [Woman] "...Manner sind
- [Bernard] So, what do you
think, Mona?
- All right, lets, this is...
This is shit.
- Mona, c'mon...
- No, why, why are you
showing me this shit?
- Is it that bad?
- Oh, c'mon, Bernard, look,
look, I haven't seen you in the
graphic novel department in,
what, what is it?
Like 15 years?
I mean, what is it?
Slow day in nonfiction
down there?
- Historical nonfiction.
Believe me, it's a lot slower
than actual nonfiction.
- Why are you pushing this girl?
- I'm not pushing her, Mona.
- You're pushin' her.
- I'm just soliciting
an objective opinion,
That's all.
- Here, you got
exploding penises!
And what's this?
Oh, it's a penis that
ejaculates carbon emissions.
Ooh, oh, here!
This guy's penis gets
cut off in a subway door!
Nice, nice...
Your, uh, your girlfriend's
got a problem with men.
- Stop calling her
my girlfriend.
- Oh, give me a break!
You like this stuff?
- I don't know.
- Bernard, look at this!
This guy has a cock that
turns into a hangman's noose.
This, uh, Zelda Beauchamp,
she's got a problem.
- She's a feminist.
A feminist!
- Stop it!
I'm a feminist, and I
don't want to hang men
by their penises.
She's a sick-o!
- It is the daughter of a
very old friend of mine.
This is not her.
This is political for her!
Just use her, can you
use her, just please?
- [Woman] No, look,
you know, no...
- In an ebook or something?
- [Mona] No, I don't like
the pressure, Bernard.
- Need another intern, along
with the other ones you get?
- Zelda... Beauchamp...?
- Ya.
- I knew a Beauchamp years...
Is that Huey?
Huey's daughter?
- Are you serious?
- Huey Beauchamp?
- You know Huey?
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- I can tell that you know
- Are you kidding me!?
- [Bernard] Damm it!
- You bring that shit up here?
- When I go out with, say, a
25-year old,
I mean, I know, I'm sure
people are whispering,
"What's that old man doing
with that young girl?"
But put me in that same
restaurant with, say,
someone Roz's age,
and all I'm thinking
is, "What's this boyish fellow
doing with this old woman?"
And, I know, that's horrible!
I can't help it.
I'm addicted to youth and
I am bothered by age...
Mostly mine, I guess.
But these younger women,
I mean I can't forget AIDS,
which I think is less of a risk,
I mean, y'know,
with older women because,
generally, they don't
sleep around as much.
But, with a younger woman
with experience,
I mean, how do you know?
I mean, a woman with
a lot of experience.
Does she know?
It's not heavy for them.
Do they even practice safe sex?
Y'know, safer sex?
I mean, I'd rather just
I mean, is that it?
Is that the bottom line?
In order to play it safe,
I have to end up marrying
a woman who's old enough
to be my wife?
Okay, say, I invited someone to
join us
who says she used to know you.
"Put on your shoes.
"I'll walk you to the subway?"
- You wanna grab a bagel?
- Well, outside of this
particular material, Sid,
what do you think of her stuff?
She's very young, but
I don't think R. Crumb
is the worst influence
in the world, is he?
We're all influenced, Sid.
When Art Spiegleman started out,
I'm sure
his work looked like shit, too,
I suppose.
Just, sleep on it, please.
I think she could be an
innovative force at Penguin.
Just because.
Our Norton editors don't
understand Millennials,
that's why.
Thank you.
Thank you!
Well, I already picked
up the tickets, Zelda.
It's French...
I dunno, I think it's a musical.
I don't understand.
Didn't you know about
this Kollective meeting
when we met at lunch?
Were you just gonna let me wait
out here
until the show started?
What if I hadn't called?
No, no, I don't think I'm
only thinking of myself.
All right, no, yeah.
I guess I'm seeing a French
maybe-musical by myself.
All right, bye.
[rhythmic pounding]
- [Huey] You want me to stop,
- Huey, are you...
- [Huey] Oh, Mona!
- [Mona] Don't stop.
No, don't stop!
Wait! Wait!
- [Huey] Give it to me baby!
Oh, Mona!
[moans and screams]
- [Bernard] So, did, uh,
she say when she'd be back?
- [Celia] Not to me.
- That's a cute dog.
Whose dog is this?
- It's Zelda's.
- She didn't tell me
she had a dog.
She didn't tell me
she had a dog.
- She got it today.
- Look, we don't know when
she's coming back, okay?
- She didn't tell me she'd
bought a dog.
[moaning and screaming]
You're kidding.
- [Huey] Oooooh!
There we go!
- [Zelda] What?
- Zelda, what...
- [Zelda] Nope, sorry,
I'm not here.
- Zelda, I was by your...
- [Voice mail]
Please record your message.
Press 1 for more options.
- Zelda, what the...
The option I want is
"Leave a fucking message!"
- [Voice mail] At the tone,
please continue recording.
- Zelda, please call me...
God, no, I just...
- [Voice mail] To
continue recording where
you let off, press 4.
To send your message with
normal delivery, press 1.
To send your message with
urgent delivery, press 2.
- [Zelda] Bernie, please don't
judge me.
- Don't judge you?
Standing me up, twice...
I mean, you don't return
my calls or texts!
- I'm sorry, it's something
I had to test out.
- So this is a plan?
This is a plan?
- Yes, yes, deprivation control.
- What the fuck?
- It's important for me to
graph how,
how much I would miss
you if you were gone.
- So, this is an experiment?
That's what you're saying.
This is an experiment?
- Yes, yes, and, and
we did it for five days
and, and I got a lot done, okay?
I know that it was hard,
but I actually felt
really inspired during
that time.
- Yeah, yeah.
You bought a dog.
- Yeah, Fred!
- Are you breaking up with me?
Is that what's happening?
- Because, because I got Fred?
- I don't know.
- Bernie!
- I felt I knew you, I did.
- Oh my God.
You're being so dramatic.
- I just don't understand.
- Relax!
Come here.
I am trying to find a way to
stay with you
and not go completely insane.
It's a good thing.
- No, no, stop.
- Come on, come on.
Look, I have to protect myself,
you know?
- But what about me?
- I don't want you to get hurt,
Y'know, I'm just trying
to check in
and be healthy.
I'm not gonna let you
devour me, Bernie.
- Oh, all right.
- You know what the
hardest part was, though?
- What?
- Missing your little ass.
And your little pot.
- Pot?
You know, my girlfriends
are always talking
about how old you are, but
I don't even notice it.
[guitar music]
I mean, you tire easily, but I
do have that effect on people.
- Well, we'll fix that.
Can I look?
- Don't tell me.
You don't understand it.
- Hey, you might be getting
a call from Penguin, hmm?
- Hey, you really want
to make yourself useful?
- Mmmm.
- We could use some more beers.
- Oh, it's kind of late.
- You don't mind.
- I just don't know what's open.
- Oh hey, while you're
going out,
could you take the
dog on a walk?
Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
- Hey, grab a couple cases,
- [Bernard] Yeah.
- Oh, oh.
- [Bernard] Hi.
- Bernard.
- Mona.
- Getting in late, huh?
- Night.
- Morning.
- Later, man.
- It's five a.m.!
- Shank of the evening.
[door closing]
- You're so lucky you get
be around Huey all the time,
you know?
He just, he emanates
such an aura.
I don't think he's changed at
all, do you?
I mean what, what'd you get?
Doesn't look any older.
I mean, not really.
He was never boyish.
He was manly at 23, he's
even more manly now.
He's just kinda settled
into himself.
You gonna eat those nuts?
Bruised, though, you can
tell, really bruised.
Years have bruised him.
He's a businessman who dared
to live like an artist.
But his art is himself.
He's way more intellectual
than either of my husbands,
both of whom were
associate professors.
- Okay, well.
I probably should get
to finishing this salad.
- It's so great to be with
him again!
I can't believe,
after all these years,
that our lives have
found each other!
And that we're still great
in the sack together!
I mean, it's great....
- You know what, why don't
you just take this salad.
Maybe just have it...
- You sure?
You don't want it?
- Yeah, I'm gonna get to work,
and that requires you
not to be here.
[shower running]
- Wait, wait!
Yeah, lay down, lay down here.
Oh, no!
- [Huey] Oh, that's a good girl!
- Huey!
What is happening?
So, was that Mona last night?
- [Huey] Huh?
- [Bernard] Last night,
was that Mona?
- Did she call?
- No, the screaming, Huey,
the screaming.
- Bernie, keep it down,
man. I'm a bit fragile.
- [Bernard] The woman screaming,
- That was just loud love-talk,
Around 10:30?
That was Debbie.
Just loud love-talk.
- I didn't get home
till past midnight.
Who's Debbie?
- Oh, after midnight?
That was Francine.
Do you have any Ibuprofen?
- You know I do.
It's upstairs.
- I haven't been upstairs.
- Well, then, tell the
half-eaten pizza on my bed
that you have not been upstairs!
- Oh, that was Leigh.
- [Bernard] What?
Hell of a life, huh?
Hell of a life.
- Jesus.
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
Who am I?
Who is this?
Do you know what time it is?
No, I don't know if Huey
is here and I don't care.
He told you this was his cell?
[shower running]
All right. Well, don't cry.
Hold on.
- Oh, hi.
- [Huey] Hey Roz, will you
grab me a beer on the way back?
- There's a call for you!
On your "cell!"
- [Huey] All right, hey, man.
No problem.
- You!
Need therapy!
She was a
teenage debutante...
- So she says,
"No person should ever treat
another human being like you
treat me."
- [Bernard] Well, your
actions were high-handed.
- So I said, "Look, don't bug
"Nobody asked you to come over."
- No, that's perfectly true.
- So she says, "You rob me
of my dignity.
"Don't I mean anything to you?"
- Well, no, I can see her point
of view.
I mean, you must admit
there's no real relationship.
- [Huey] So I say, "Look, don't
bug me. I'm late for class."
- See, I think you're
setting up a confrontation.
- So, man, she goes wild!
Starts ripping open my
Circle Jerk bootleg tapes,
pulls 'em out like linguini.
- [Bernard] That's
exactly what I mean, Huey.
That's not how I would have
handled the...
- So I spanked her.
- You didn't!
- Fuckin' A, I did.
Over my lap.
A love pat, really.
- I don't...
I do not think...
I mean, I think that is wrong,
I know you're gonna get
mad at me, but I think
that is very, very wrong.
- Man, she loved it!
Fell all over me.
- [Bernard] What?
- I didn't get to class
for a week.
- Jesus.
- [Huey] You want another beer?
- No.
I thought you graduated.
- It's as if the last
25 years never happened.
And my loft is a goddamn circus!
A brothel!
And the phone doesn't
stop ringing!
And I have to take his messages!
And he has a cellphone!
I know he does!
But he just doesn't give
out the number?
I think, I think out of spite
he's giving
them my home phone.
I don't know.
You know?
And I put in a long day,
lemme tell you.
No matter what you all may think
about historical nonfiction,
I don't wanna come home
to the phone ringing
off the goddamn hook,
and I have to look for
a goddamn pen and some paper.
And for who?
For who?
For Huey?
For your dad?
Fuck that!
Are you ser...?
How much poop can a
small dog have?
- You know, one moment,
he is so attentive,
and the next, it's like he's
like he's the invisible man.
You know?
I mean, is it something
I'm doing?
- No.
- I ask him if
something's wrong...
- It's not you.
- And he gives me that look,
that face, that's, that's
like straight from the grave.
Yesterday afternoon,
I called him.
He said hold on, never
came back to the phone.
- Never comes back.
- And just when I think
I'm at the end of my rope,
he does something terrific or
he says something terrific,
- That's what he does.
I warned you.
- It's a disease.
It's really a disease.
- [Zelda] ...hanging by his
own penis
I wish there was some drug,
some anti-Huey-biotic.
You ever experience anything
like this?
[Zelda laughter]
- Hmm?
- [Mona] Okay, that's all right.
- Yes.
- [Roz] I don't have to
defend myself.
- That's not why I'm here.
- And I certainly
don't need to feel guilty.
- Oh, but I do?
Is that it?
What do you see in him, Roz?
Because I keep playing it
over and over in my mind.
You're a victim.
You're an accident victim.
- I am not a victim!
That would be,
it would be like
blaming a pedestrian
for getting hit by a semi.
He's fat!
He's old, he's bald!
He looks 60!
So, what is it?
What do you see, Roz?
- He doesn't look 60.
- Oh, please, okay, yeah.
Take his side.
- [Roz] And don't you
dare call me a victim.
- [Bernard] How could you
let him?
With our friendship is
at stake here?
- What about Zelda?
- What, no!
What, Zelda and I
could never have
what you and I had.
- Such as?
- Companionship!
Fucking trust!
All right?
What Zelda and I have is
something completely different.
- Are you all right?
- Yes!
Look, Zelda is very
aware of what she's doing.
So am I.
We're working it out.
All right?
But you, you're the
only one I can talk to,
really talk to.
So ask yourself,
why did you do it?
It's some kind of a
reverse miracle.
- No, don't! Aw, you, gaahhhh!
I hate your analyst's voice.
- Huey set you up.
- What?
Okay, yeah, Huey set me up!
How did Huey set me?
You mean Zelda?
You told me to see Zelda!
You're the only one I
listen to, so you ask.
What do you mean, hmm?
What do you mean?
What do you mean,
Huey set me up?
- Explain it to me.
You've gone back to being the
old Bernard.
- And he's gone back
to being the old Huey.
Think about it!
And then you explain it to me.
[door opening]
- Bernard!
Two ships that pass
in the night.
Not good for a relationship.
I brought a little,
a little toast.
To lovin' 'em and leavin' 'em,
and lovin' 'em and leavin'
again, baby!
- Huey, listen.
- No, hey, you listen.
- All I am is a fucking Machine.
Now, I'll admit, I'll grant you,
that machine was broken.
It needed to go into the shop.
You're the shop.
I offered you the
service contract,
and you could have said,
"Hey, man!
"Get this Machine off my lot.
"It's totaled!
"It's totaled!"
Hey, but now, I'm repaired.
Top gear.
I mean, not it's not,
I'm not state-of-the-art.
Y'know, that's Youth-City.
But I mean, you know, I mean,
I can't do
what I could.
But I can travel.
I can hug the road.
I can still corner pretty well.
You put that thing in
cruise control.
Hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh, don't move!
I'm in tune.
And I owe you.
Huey is tuned!
- Great.
Then why don't you get
you and your Machine,
and get the hell out of here?
- Wow.
That's fucked up.
I don't even like champagne!
- This is more like it, Zelda.
This is really good stuff.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's looser.
It's funnier, less angry.
It's more knowledgeable
about men,
seems to me,
and there aren't any...
Nope, nope,
no exploding penises.
So, yeah, this, this could sell.
- You really think so.
- Yeah.
- Oh, Bernie.
- I have to say, I'm
kind of relieved, y'know.
I admit that
I let my imagination run away
with me,
and I started to think that
work might be the only
reason that we're...
That maybe there was
somebody else.
And, um...
But now you show me this,
and it's wonderful, and...
I just take pride.
Such pride.
'Cause I kinda think that,
forgive me,
that I had a little,
a little something to do
with this,
this change in you.
- Oh.
- This kind of
humanizing factor.
- But I should tell you that.
- Hold on, hold on!
That's not the best news.
I kicked out Huey!
Yeah, I kicked him out.
Now we can have my
place to ourselves,
and you can see my place
as it is,
and see me as I am.
It's kinda perfect.
- Wow.
Okay, uh, but, but, I should
tell you
that, um, I have met someone,
in a way,
he's my new collaborator.
- Oh.
- If you check the, uh, the
signature there, on the...
- [Bernard] "Zelda and Scott."
I was wondering...
- Yeah.
- I thought it was a gag, or...
- Well, um, his name is
Conrad Scott,
and that's where the yeah...
That was his idea.
He actually did most
of the dialogue.
- The stuff that went in,
in the bubbles?
- Yeah, that was all him.
And, I mean, who knew I would
let a man
put words in my mouth, right?
- [Bernard] Right.
- But, you know,
this guy is magical!
I mean, it just,
it flows out of him.
- You, you won't believe it,
it's like this
incredible force...
- No, it's great.
I mean, it can't just be me,
You need a collaborator.
It's great that you need that.
And someone to
collaborate with...
- Yeah.
I really, I just,
I think he's going to be the
most amazing partner for me.
- Work partner.
- Yeah.
- I think he could really
take me all the way, y'know.
We could, we could really
make it big together.
Change the world.
- [Bernard] It's great.
- And I know he wants
to meet you.
- Awesome.
- Ahhh!
Y'see, Bernie, what,
what Zelda is
is the view from the female gut.
She offers us pussy-vision.
She is true and fearless beyond
the concept of a concept.
The Super Bowl of truth.
The kingdom of what is and what
ain't and
never, no, never,
what should be.
Take it down, my friend,
take it down.
Oh, her internal rhythms
are the syncopation of
ambivalent regard,
the duality of
improvisational karma,
the existential corollary
of the four a.m. fuck.
She is deep, and she is dirty.
I love, and I mean truly
fuckin' love, the balls
on this here female.
- Well, um, we should
probably get up from this...
It was, uh, awesome getting to
meet you.
- Isn't he just outrageous?
- He is something.
- [Conrad] Absolute pleasure.
I heard you're a poet as well,
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- [Conrad] Yeah, very nice.
- I mean, that was a,
yeah, there, at the time,
I was...
I was doing poetry.
- [Conrad] I would love to
hear some.
- Yeah, Bernie, do some!
Oh, I didn't bring it,
if I did, though,
it's very much like yours.
It's very sensual and sexual
and uh...
- He is everything you told me
- [Zelda] Isn't he a gas?
- Yeah.
- [Bernard] Yeah, but I did
a lot of slams back then...
- I love this guy.
- And open mic kinda things.
- [Conrad] Very good.
- Yeah.
- Why do you want to know?
- [Man] I'll tell you how
much I make.
- I'm not interested.
- Why, you think you make more?
- [Woman] Is that a turn-off?
- You are suffering
from a serious illness!
- It's a turn-on.
- [Woman] For a woman
to make more?
- Yeah, but I doubt if
you make more than I do.
- [Woman] Really?
What do you do?
You're dressed like a
government stiff.
There are people plotting
to kill us!
And this is the conversation
you want to have
milliseconds before
[imitates explosion]?
- [Woman] DMV?
- I'm in insurance.
What about you?
- Oh, this is degrading.
- [Woman] I'm an attorney.
- Christ, I'll bet you do
make more.
- [Woman] Public defender.
- Oh, no, I probably do
make more.
- "Do you wanna fuck?"
Let's just get to that.
"Do you want to fuck?"
- [Woman] My clients, though.
Them, too.
It's the judges, other lawyers,
it's just not what I'm used to.
So I'm going into corporate law.
- Christ, you'll clean up.
- [Woman] I expect to.
- You live alone?
- Bullshit!
- [Woman] No.
- You don't?
- Bullshit!
- [Woman] Who can afford to
live alone?
- Where are my contemporaries?
I live in a world without peers.
Where are my peers?
They are married,
with grown children...
- I don't live alone either.
- Whom I sleep with.
- [Woman] I've got
three roommates.
How many do you have?
- Roommates?
- [Woman] Yeah.
- One.
- I've lost the strength
to be as shallow at 49
as I was at 24.
- [Woman] One?
You're married, right?
- In a way.
- [Woman] Separated?
- Practically.
- [Woman] But you haven't moved
out yet?
- I'm as good as moved out.
I'm just not a loner, you know?
I'm not good by myself.
- [Woman] You should get used
to it.
- What is wrong with
this picture?
- [Woman] So?
- Just waiting to meet the
right girl
and then...
- [Woman] Then you'll move out?
- What's to keep me?
- [Woman] Being such a tool.
- I'm still in it.
[train whistle; trucks idling]
- [Driver] It's been an hour,
- No problem.
[cash flipping]
Later, man.
Still a midnight worker,
eh, Marty?
- You're supposed to be dead,
you shit!
Did you ever talk to her, huh?
Just once?
Just once in five years, huh,
you shit?
Mama thought you were dead.
- Mama hated me, Marty.
- Of course she hated you,
you shit.
Everybody hated you.
You had more than all of us
and you've done nothing with
your life but hurt people.
I wanted to be like you.
I imitated you.
Did you know that?
I imitated the way
that you walked
and how you talked and,
and I wanted to be you,
so I imitated you.
You're my fucking
little brother,
and I wanted to be like you!
You've had nothing but
contempt for all of us.
Where do you get off, huh?
Fuck you!
You should be dead.
Where do you get off?
By rights, you're dead.
[clearing throat]
- You, uh, remember my little
girl, Zelda?
- Yes.
- Little Zelda's all grown up.
- Good.
She, um...
She wants to do greeting cards.
I figured you could
use the work.
[uplifting music]
- You run a lot?
Yeah, I just started
running again.
I stopped because I was
thinking too much, y'know.
I was always getting
lost in my head,
and I don't need another
reason to be there, y'know?
I should get ear buds.
They say listening to music
will keep you out of your head.
I see you don't wear any.
I noticed you don't have them.
Maybe you don't have
the same problem as me.
Will you marry me?
I fucking hate running.
[gentle music]
"If you spend your life
avoiding hurt,
"you spend your life
avoiding life."
That's pretty good!
Christ Almighty!
You fucking...
"Zelda and Scott dot-com?"
[dial tone]
- [Voice mail]
Please enter your password,
then press pound.
[button pushing]
You have one new voice message.
- [Zelda] Bernie, uh, you're
not answering your cell.
Listen, I know I gave
you a hard time, Bernie,
and I really am sorry,
y'know, even if we don't
see each other again,
and I really hope we do,
I just want you to know
that I think in your own way
you actually brought my
family back together again.
- Uuccch.
- [Zelda] And me and Huey.
So, y'know, that's all I wanted
to say.
Um, oh, also, we're
going to brunch tomorrow
and my father says if you
wanna come,
and I would also like
that very much.
And, ya know, whatever else,
you'll always be, uh an
important transitional figure
in my life.
So call me back.
Or, you know, don't.
- Babe, V.I. Lenin accommodated
to circumstance, right?
Moammar Quadafi accommodated
to circumstance.
Idi Amin accommodated
to circumstance.
Take it down, bae, really.
They all maintained their
agendas, right?
You and me,
through comic copulation,
we bugger the
bourgeois consciousness.
- [Maitre D] Can I help you
today, sir?
- Uhhh...
Sorry, I...
- [Huey] Hey, hey!
- [Bernard] Oh, good.
- Zelda said you might show.
Yeah, uh, wow.
Look at you!
You've changed.
- Oh, yes.
The revived, revised,
newly-minted edition of Huey.
- Good for you.
- We're late.
- Oh, this is Aggie, my wife.
This is Bernard.
- For clarification,
I'm Zelda's mother.
- Yes.
Uh, hi.
Actually, you know what, I'm...
- Oh, no, no, no no!
You will not believe
what's been happening.
- No, Huey, don't.
- Lenin wasn't doing
greeting cards, y'know, so...
- Yeah, and Lenin didn't have
a daddy with a printing plant.
- [Aggie] Your drawing is
getting marvelous, dear!
- [Huey] I like this one.
- [Marty] This one's very cute.
- [Bernard] Yeah, that's nice.
- [Conrad] So, Marty, my
man, the key is to seduce
the marketplace upwards.
Y'know, leverage
into the transmedia space
all while maintaining an
authentic brand identity.
Conrad thinks I worry too
much about selling out.
- [Conrad] You do.
- Well, I, I, I think that
the stores are thrilled
that this is printed on hemp.
They just love it thanks to
the Mayor of Colorado here.
But you don't have anything to
worry about
these are all terrific.
- The cards, they just
drive eyeballs to the site,
site to the app,
app to online sales.
See, the medium doesn't
define the integrity
of the artist, 'cause
the true artist knows
how to create with
whatever's at his fingertips.
Our aim is to maximize
the marketplace,
not compromise our integrity.
Take it down, yeah?
- I don't understand a word
you're saying.
- These are very different.
That's what I like about them.
- [Huey] I dig it.
- [Conrad] It's generational,
my friend.
- [Marty] I, I understand that,
but I...
- [Aggie] So bizarre.
- Well, this is exactly why
we've already
started crowd-funding for
the graphic novel, as well.
- Gutenberg, baby, Gutenberg.
It begins and it ends
with the printed page.
You see, when the sustainable
becomes artisanal,
then the analog becomes tactile,
Hold on to life, lover,
and don't ever let it go.
- Okay.
Excuse me.
- [Conrad] Ciao, baby.
- Y'know, obviously, none of
this is gonna
be at the expense of the
greeting cards.
That's what gave us our start,
But I just think having a
graphic novel
could just build up the brand.
- Just a shot of anything,
it doesn't matter.
- [Conrad] Absolutely brilliant.
- [Aggie] It's hilarious,
- You okay?
- I'm barely holding on.
You're back in business.
Your wife and your daughter.
- Ah, the hipster scene is dead,
La Boheme.
Shit, everything your mama
told you about sex is true.
Take it down.
Take it down...
- Just stop, Huey.
Just stop.
God, you're exhausting.
You know that, right?
You have exhausted me.
Number one, I'm a schmuck.
Number two, I apologize.
Number three, I'm a schmuck.
Number four, I'm a schmuck.
Number five, I'm a schmuck.
"A transitional figure,"
that's what she called me.
Can you believe that?
I just, I just don't want
to get old, Roz.
Why is that so awful?
- I knew you when
you were young.
- Oh, God, oh shit.
Shit, that was awful!
That was awful, wasn't it?
It was awful being young!
Am I a transitional figure in
your life?
- You are a schmuck.
I'm a transitional figure in
your life.
- Nooo!
- Do you want me to say it?
- No!
- You're my Zelda.
- Where did you hear this?
- But there is a saving grace.
- Yes, please.
- You are also a transitional
figure in your own life.
- So, the irony is I
screw around
for the fear of my
own mortality,
and now,
and now,
and now.
- That is the irony, all right.
- I'm sorry.
I'm a schmuck.
But I look young.
- Hey!
- Oh my God.
- I just wanted to come
by and let you to know
I'm not mad at you.
- Mad at me?
- You called me exhausting.
Hey, uh, you ever been to
St. Thomas?
- No.
- Here.
I just don't want you to be mad
at me for
the next 25 years.
See you soon?
[Caribbean music]
- [Announcer] Welcome
to Cyril E. King Airport
in St. Thomas in the
US Virgin Islands.
- [Zelda] Is it posting?
- [Conrad] No, it's not
going to post.
I'm recording now so we
can have it...
- Well, we can't just record
it now and post it later,
that's not authentic...
Where are the bags?
- Uh, up ahead.
- Can you believe we're here?
- As a matter of fact...
- It's so post-colonial.
Admit it, you were never
really attracted to Huey.
Just admit it, just admit it!
- Uh, sweetie,
where are the bags?
- They're on the shuttle,
- Ah, yes!
Hey, I just wanna let you
know, I am so proud of you!
- Is this your way of telling me
that you're gonna leave again?
- No!
- We'll see.
- This is nice, huh?
- Yeah, this it's nice.
Thanks for the tickets,
by the way.
- Thanks for coming.
Y'know, I've been thinking,
uh, maybe I'll write a book!
- About what?
- Me!
- Oh, God, no!
No, don't ever, ever do that!
- We'll see!
- Tanya... Sarah... Dani...
- Who's Mona?
- She's an artist.
- An artist?
- Parsons.
- How tall is she?
Does she put out?
No, Mona's too crazy.
I could give you Aggie.
- Who is Aggie?
- Great-looking chick.
Writes poems.
Paints watercolors.
- Oh, she sounds perfect.
- Should I give you Aggie?
- Give me Aggie!
- No.
I'm saving Aggie.
- Okay.
Who've you got, Huey?
[rock music]
[Caribbean music]
She was a teenage debutante
A George F. Will sycophant
Lived a life of
perfect health
Family of means and wealth
And when she charmed everybody
at the country club dance
They said honey,
you've got a chance
To be a conservative zit
Marry a Republican twit
And own many pairs of
designer pants
She had fun at the
society bash
Then she contently
took their cash
Her parents said they raised
her right
Albeit just a little tight
Her graduation gift was
a bright red Porsche
She ate caviar with
her borsht
Her dad made a wager
She'd be a business major
With his investment
broker on the porch
She turned 18 and
went to college
She thought that she
would seek some knowledge
She thought it was fine
To open more than
just her mind
She liked what she saw
at the student protest
Skipped class that day
and forgot her test
Then she became a Dead Head
Never went alone to bed
And turned her dorm
into a hippie love nest
One, two, three, four
One, two, three, four
Then on one Christmas break
She brought home a
garter snake
She gave her mom a
Ruskie bear hug
She gave her sister
a bag of drugs
She told her dad
she was a communist
But her boyfriend's
only a socialist
But it was the bright
red bra
That really, really shocked
her ma
Wasted money
at the orthodontist
One, two, three, four
[gentle music]