Best of Stand-up 2020 (2020) Movie Script

[funky intro playing]
[cheering and applause]
[Jerry] What is the idea
of the buffet?
Well, things are bad.
How could we make it worse?
Why don't we put people that
already strugglingwith portion control
into some kind of debauched,
Caligula food orgy
of unlimited human consumption?
[laughter, applause]
Let's make the entrance
a chocolate syrupwater park slide.
The buffet is like
taking your dogto Petco
and letting your dog do the shopping.
You give him your wallet
in the parking lot
and go, "Why don't you go in,
get whatever you think
is the right amount of dog food for you?
Use your dog judgment.
I'm gonna wait in the car.
Leave the window open a crack
so I canbreathe."
People do not do well
in an unsupervised eating environment.
Nobody would walk into a restaurant
and say,
"I'll have a yogurt parfait, spare rib,
meat pie, crab leg, four cookies,
and an egg white omelet."
People are building death-row,
last-meal wish lists on these plates.
It's like a perfect working model
of all their emotional problems
and personal difficulties.
They just walk around,
kind of hold it out.
"This is what I'm dealing with.
It's a salad
with a scoop of ice cream onit.
I've got some unresolved issues
I'm trying to work out
here at the buffet."
Start accosting strangers.
"Excuse me, where did you get that?
What is that? Ididn't even see that.
Is that a caramelized chicken leg?
I gotta try that. Gimme yours.
You know where they are.
You can get more." Come on!
Twenty-two-year-old prayers,
42-year-old prayers completely different.
Twenty-two-year-old prayers be like
please don't let me catch
any venereal diseases.
Thank God for this sweater."
Forty-two-year-old prayers be like
why am I so tired?
I'm taking the vitamins
like you said, Jesus.
please don't let him catch
any of my venereal diseases.
And, Lord, please don't let me
have to shit right after, Father.
It is just--
It's not sexy, Lord!"
I was on Facebook this week.
Just making sure
my family's still racist, and
That's a joke. I don't have to check. And
I saw that a girl I went to high school
with just got back from her honeymoon.
And she posted that she's going to be
taking a break from social media.
Have you guys seen people do this?
Yeah, these, like, heroes of the internet?
Their big announcement,
just, "Hear ye, hear ye!
I will be taking a break
from social media.
It's like, "Dude, nobody wanted to see
a picture of your sandwich on Wednesday.
No one's going to miss it on Friday.
All right?
Also, why are you posting
about the fact you'll stop posting soon?
That's like toasting the fact
you'll quit drinking.
You're not off to a great start,
This girl made a whole video
for Instagram, Facebook, all of 'em.
She's like, "Hey, guys, as you probably
heard, I just got married. [giggles]
And I'll be taking a little bit of a break
from social media
just to focus
on my new wifely duties."
Wifely duty.
I'm like, you can't blow your husband
and share cat videos?
You have two hands. Multitask. Like
Get an apron.
I thought that was weird, so I played it
backwards. Sure enough, she's like,
"I've made a huge mistake.
Come pick me up. He's so boring!"
We're like, "Yeah, we know. We met him."
He's the type of guy you get halfway home
from the theme park
before you're like,
"Oh shit, where's Doug?
Oh no, we have to go back.
My wallet's in his fanny pack, so"
Oh, do not feel bad for Doug.
He's terrible.
Every time he tells a story,
somewhere a child loses a balloon.
You ever meet somebody,
and they're soboring,
you feel like they poisoned you?
Like, you're talking to them,
and you're like,
"I feellike I'm dying right now,
and I think you did it."
This guy's name is Craig.
I met him--
I made sure to get it.
I was, "I'm gonna remember you
for the rest of my life, man."
He--I met him at the bank.
Is he a bank teller? No.
Is he a security guard? Nope.
What's his job?
I don't know. Whatever they call
that guy that stands in the lobby
of banks now, where you walk in,
and youre like, Do you work here?
And hes like, I think so. That guy.
The lobby liaison.
Well, I saw him. We made eye contact.
I dont know how you work.
For me, if we make eye contact,
during the day, not at night,
but during the day
out of human decency, I acknowledge you.
So thats what I did.
We made eye contact, and I go,
"How you doing?" Andhe went
And I was like, "Okay, so"
Then I get
to the second set of doors to walk in.
And as I reach for that door,
I hear, "You going to the bank?"
I go, "Is this still a bank?"
He goes, "Yeah." I go, "Id like to."
And he goes, "Go for it."
And I was like
"Okay. Thanks."
And then I reach back, and he goes,
"Im going to Virginia next week."
"Are you telling me that?"
He goes, "You said,
'How you doing?' when you got here.
I had to think about it.
That's what I'm doing."
I go, "Thats the craziest shit
Ive ever heard anybody say,
and also not how that question works,
but all right."
And now I reach back,and he goes,
"Yeah, my sister lives there,"
and Im like
"How long's she lived there?"
Now Im roped in.
He goes, "Fifteen years."
And I go, "Youve never been?"
And he goes, "Uh-uh."
Now Im starting to look at him like,
"Hey, man, do you drive to work, or
does somebody drop you off?
You know what I mean?"
I think he
I think he could see it in my face,
out of nowhere, he goes, "I drive."
I was like,
"Thats cool, man. Thats cool.
I drive, too. Thats crazy. Uh
I gotta get in here."
He goes, "Yeah, were gonna check out DC
and see some monuments."
I go, "I'd love to hear about it,
but I have to make a deposit."
He goes, "Ill be here when you walk out."
I go, "You motherfucker."
Fuck that guy.
And fuck everybody like him.
If you have the audacity to tell people
how youre doing when they say,
"How you doing," that shit is rude
and selfish, all right?
Im serious.
There are two acceptable answers
to how you doing: Fine and great.
And if youre miserable, you say, "Fine."
You dont burden people
with your real-world problems
during a courteous exchange. Yeah.
[laughter, applause]
This is the world that we live in, though.
We have to care about everyones feelings,
everyones tolerances,
everyones intolerances,
everyones dietary requirements.
Ill tell you where its gone too far,
and I have to be the person to say this.
For the love of God [breathes heavily]
we have got enough milks now.
Would everyone stop milking shit?!
I went to buy coffee recently.
I have very straightforward coffee tastes.
It should have been
a very straightforward transaction.
It was anything but.
I went in there. I was like,
"Hello, Id like a white coffee, please."
"Okay sir, what kind of milk
would you like with your coffee?
Weve got a coconut milk,
an almond nut milk,
a hazelnut milk, a cashew nut milk,
a macadamia nut milk,
we got an oat milk, rice milk,
hemp milk, soy milk.
You can have it
from a bean, a pulse, a nut, a grain,
an oat, a flax, a leaf, a seed, a tree."
[laughter, applause]
"Id like it from a nipple, please.
I dont care what type of nipple.
Preferably a cows, but Im not fussy.
Ill take it
from whatever nipple I can get."
She looked at me
like I had requested it from hers!
Like I was the weirdo. Im not the weirdo!
Youre the one in the back of the shop
with your little friends,
milking fucking cashew nuts.
Youre the freaks, not me!
I do not, for one moment, doubt
that lactose intolerance is a verygrave
and pressing issue for humanity.
But lest I remind you,
we currently dont have a cure for cancer,
and there are 12 readily-available
milk substitutes on the market
which, I would argue,
is 11 more than we need!
[laughter, applause]
Yes, honey.You are somebody else's type.
You don't even know that.
Like, I realized way too late in life
that I am an achievableBeyonc
for government workers.
[laughter, applause]
Oh my God. Are you serious?
Anything like old Black government workers
named Lawrence, Dennis, Curtis, Otis,
anything in an '-is,' they love me!
I can't go to a Veterans Day parade.
My booty ain't safe.
She is not safe.
They lookin' at me like they want me
to motorboat the PTSD off their face,
and I'll do it 'cause I'm a patriot.
Thank you so much.
Oh! Thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for your service.
Thank you so much.
I don't know about you, but I can make
a government worker work a holiday.
That's power, bitch.
[laughter, applause]
What you do?
I'm just saying, you wanna go to the post
office with me in December, okay?
Im at home.
The phone rings. Its a school nurse.
She goes, "I have Ila in the office.
Is there a parent at home?"
I was like, "Ill do."
Gives the phone to Ila. Her first words,
"I tried to stop it, Dad."
I go, "Stop what?"
She goes, "I got my period."
Im like, "What do you need from me?
New pants, new panties, new socks?
Did it get in your socks?
A bucket, some towels, garlic?
We gotta keep the vampires away from you."
Shes like, "Dad, Im fine.
Mom gave me a go bag."
I go, "Okay then.
What're you calling me for?"
She goes, "I need you to go to the store
and get supplies."
Im like, "How bad is this period?"
Shes like, "No, Dad. Im throwing myself
a period party tonight."
Im like, "Im sorry,
what did you just say?"
Shes like, "All the girls are doing it.
I need you to go to the store
and get supplies.
Get a red velvet cake." I'm like
I go, "Baby, I dont think
I can eat a red velvet cake
knowing what it symbolizes."
Shes like, "Dad, you need
a red velvet cake for a period party
'cause you put the name of your period
on the cake." Im like
"Who names their period?"
Shes like, "Georgia named hers after
the girl from Progressive auto insurance."
Shes like, "Please, I need you right now.
I have ten people coming tonight."
I go, "We have ten little girls
coming to the house?"
She goes, "No, eight girls, two boys."
Im like,
"Who invites boys to a period party?"
And I hear her sinister little giggle
on the phone,
and she goes, "Dad, thats the fun of it.
We dont tell them why theyre there."
Now Im like, "Fuck it. Im in."
I have never had more fun
at a party in my entire life.
Planning, hosting,
and attending a period party.
I dressed all in red,
like it was Chinese New Years.
Drinking Pinot noir.
I made pasta with chunky marinara sauce.
And I giggled the whole night
with all these little girls
at these two boys, Max and Carter,
right? Faces covered in red cake,
like its their honeymoon, and theyre
like, "Fuck it. Ill eat it anyway."
The whole party,
these two boys are looking at the cake,
going, "Who the hells Jason?"
My daughter, Ila Kreischer
named her period Jason
because she got it on Friday the 13th.
[cheering, applause]
For 30 years,
I've been going up as Jo Koy.
And then, when this last special came out
I had to do press,
and they kept interviewing me.
And every reporter
kept landing on the same question.
"Why do you go by Jo Koy?"
I was like, "I don't have an answer."
I go, "That's just what Filipinos do.
They name you one thing,
and then fucking call you something else."
And this is a very true story,
'cause I just found this out, you guys.
This happened about four months ago.
I went to Vegas,
and I took my Auntie Evelyn out to eat.
And I just looked at her,
and I go, "Look, Auntie Evelyn,
a lot of reporters are asking me
where I got my nickname,
and I don't have a story.
So can you just tell me a story?
Why you came up
with the nickname Jo Koy?"
She's really old. You gotta understand.
And she looked at me
and went like this. She goes
"I don't call you Jo Koy."
And then I was like,
"Oh my God, she's old.
She's--she's losing it. She's losing it."
So I felt bad. I went like this. I go,
"Auntie, no, it's-- it's me. It's me.
I'm Jo Koy. I'm--I'm Jo Koy.
I'm Jo Koy, your favorite--
your favorite nephew.
I'm--I'm Jo Koy."
And then she goes,
"I know who you are.I'm not stupid.
[laughter, applause]
I'm just telling you
I don't call you Jo Koy."
I go, "What're you talking about,
you don't call me Jo Koy? Like
Are you fucking with me right now? Like
Are you being serious right now?
Thirty years, I've been going by Jo Koy.
You never said anything."
She's like, "Yeah, I never said anything,
because you keep saying, 'Jo Koy,'
so I just let you say it."
"For 30 years, you let me say, 'Jo Koy,'
but you don't call me Jo Koy?
I could've sworn that day when I was
at the house, you said, 'Jo Koy, eat.'
And I was like,
'Jo Koy, that's my nickname.'
Are you serious right now?"
"Yeah, I don't call you Jo Koy."
"Then what do you
Then what do you call me?"
It's a true story, you guys.
You ready for this shit?
It's gonna fucking make you cry.
I swear I just found this shit out.
I go, "Then what do you call me?"
She goes, "I call you Jo Ko.
That is your nickname, Jo Ko."
And for all of you at home
that don't know what that means,
in Tagalog, ko means my.
My nickname is My Jo.
Jo Ko. How fucking sweet is that?
That's so sweet.
I had no idea.
I go, "That is the sweetest nickname."
She goes, "You're the one
that keeps saying fucking Jo Koy.
I don't know who the fuck that is.
Every Netflix special,
'Coming to the stage, Jo Koy.'
I'm like,
'Who the fuck is that? That's Jo Ko!'
That's Jo Ko.'"
Why didn't she tell me this 30 years ago?
All my merchandise, misspelled.
'Cause Black people don't pick up shit.
You don't know
the last time you picked up some shit.
Black people don't pick up no shit.
You better hope it rain.
That's the only way
that shit getting off that block.
If it don't rain,
the whole neighborhood going to be shitty.
White people love to pick up shit.
You motherfuckers love to pick up shit.
White people can't wait to pick up shit.
They go shopping for shit bags.
Them blue bags.
They read the box and shit.
"Biodegradable. Environmentally-friendly."
They can't wait to--
They got the little pouch
to put to put the shit bag.
They got the shit bag fuckin' purse.
They can't wait to rip off a sheet.
You probably got some blue sheets
in your pocket right now.
They can't wait to be like:
Fu-fow! Fwow!
You know how much pressure it is,
being walked by a white dog owner?
You can't just enjoy your walk.
You got to shit immediately.
It ain't no, "Sit, Bruno."
It's like, "Shit, Bruno!"
You know how stressed out that dog is?
He can't--
You know that mother like this, "Here come
this motherfucker with these--"
'Cause once a dog do this move right here,
ain't no coming back.
Ain't no--
A human can't come back from this shit.
Try to fight somebody,
and you gotta shit, it's over.
"I'll kick your--"
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
White people have them blue bags.
Fa fa fa, fwow!
"Fuckin' yes, Bruno! Fuckin' yes!
Great stool, Bruno!
Good job!"
[inhales, shouts]
They put it in their pocket and walk away.
Black people don't pick up no shit.
Ever see a Black person walk they dog?
The dog starts to shit, they act like
they don't even know the dog no more.
They like, "Oh, nah, you shitting?
Nah. I'm getting out of here.
You gonna get us locked up, motherfucker.
You better do this shit right here.
[laughs] That's the-- You better remember
this shit, motherfucker."
That's the only way
the shit getting off of here.
I don't understand what's going on
with the whole lotion thing with women.
Right? I--
Okay, I've lived
with six girlfriendsin my life.
In my in my life,
I've lived with six women,
and all six of them have left me.
And sooner or later,
I'm going to blame myself.
But not today.
[laughter, applause]
Now, every single woman
I've ever lived with
have a nighttime ritual where they--
See, I have a bedtime ritual.
What I do is go to the bathroom,
have a piss,brush my teeth, go to bed.
I've recently figured out
that I could do them at the same time.
I have a piss, and I brush me teeth,
and I spit over, like that.
Now, but the thing with women is
you all go into the bathroom
for, like, twenty minutes,
and you close the door,
and then you come out,
and the last thing you do is you sort of--
you're rubbing something here,
and then you go like this,
and then you get into bed
and tell me what I've done wrong that day.
And that's your little nighttime routine.
Now, I don't know
what goes on in that room,
but I assume, I can't be positive,
but I assume you were covering your body,
head to toe, in some type of lotion
that you think
is vital for your existence.
Now, I'm 42 years old.
UmmI wear makeup for work.
When I'm on TV, they put makeup on me.
I never even wipe it off. I just fuckin'--
They give me a towelette,
and I go, "Oh, don't worry about it."
It goes away over a week,
and they put it back on, and
Apart from that,I've worn sunscreen.
But I've never put anything else
on my face, nothing else my entire life.
Umm, I'm arguably an alcoholic.
I used to be a heavy smoker.
I've been a cocaine addict.
And my skin is fuckin' flawless.
I can't stand it
when you cum in my mouth,
and then you stop watching
my Instagram Story the next day.
Why'd you drop off?
You watched it before.
What happened?
Oh, is there anything more pathetic
the next day, when you're trying to wait
for that guy to watch your Story again,
and you post one?
You're like, "Hey, guys."
But you're really being like,
"Hey guy, that I'm waiting to watch this."
And you, like,
touch your mouth to remind him
where his dick was hours before.
And you're like, "Oh, hey."
And then you're just refreshing,
waiting for him,
and then your dad DM's you,
like, "Killing it, Nick."
And you're just like, "Not now, Dad!
He's like,
"What'd you have for breakfast?"
And I'm like,
"Do you really want to know, Dad?
An ounce of cum and a half a KIND Bar.
Okay? That is exactly
A KIND Bar and a mean load, Dad.
What flavor? Mixed nuts. What else, Dad?"
I'm just
I just want to be a whore, I really do.
I am such a whore,
but outside of a relationship,
I don't feel safe being a whore.
I really don't,
and for a while I was like,
"Oh, maybe if I don't have sex
or let them in my puss,
I won't get attached.
Maybe if I just blow guys."
So, I was blowing guys,
and that's not safe either, girls.
There's something about their dick.
It's closerto your heart or something.
It's just-- It--
I go crazy.
Handjobs. Handjobs are all I have
to get a guy off? No, thank you.
I'm terrible at handjobs.
I'm bad at handjobs and guitar.
I know that about myself.
I have bad rhythm. It's--
I wanna be good at guitar so bad.
I've taken so many lessons,
and every guitar lesson hasgone like
every handjob I've ever given. It has.
I'm in a guy's studio apartment.
He's showing me a strumming pattern.
I feel like I'm doing a good job,
and eventually he's like,
"Let's do it together."
I'm like, "Okay."
And we're doing it together.
I'm like, "All right, we're jammin'."
Then he's like,
"Why don't you watch me?"
I'm like, "I'm out. I don't care.
I'm not good at this.
So I'm gonna wait
for my mom to pick me up."
And then he cums on me.
'Cause that's howI used to pay
for my guitar lessons.
That was before Venmo.
It was a different time.
In the Latino community,
we don't want to live forever.
We're not trying to make sure
that everything we eat is good for us.
We know-- Listen
You go to a Mexican restaurant,
you already know
that we cook with fucking manteca.
Look at us.
We fuck obesity up. By the third grade,
we already said goodbye.
"See you later, obesity.
Fuck, I passed you."
And then little Latinos are all fat,
you know.
You try to make 'em feel better.
Youre like, "Mira, mijo, you were--
You were going to be twins.
Thats why youre, you know.
You dont hear a voice
telling you youre full? No?
You might listen. Might be your sister
trying to tell you."
Bigger chichis than everybody
in the family at 11.
"Hey, Tetas, come out here."
Thats how you get your nickname.
You shit in your pants one time,
youre Caca for the rest of your life.
You could be a grown man, fucking Caca.
"Hey, guess whos getting married."
"Caca." "Fuck!
Cacas getting married?"
"And his wife is pregnant." "Chingado!
Theyre gonna have
fuckin' cacitas running around.
Cacas getting married, huh? Shit.
Fucking Caca. Good for Caca."
We don't know.
Our parents-- Shit. We were raised
by the original body-shamers.
They didnt give a fuck what age you were.
Theyd be leaving for work,
"Hey, you two fat fuckers right there.
You better notbe on that couch
when I get home,
Gordo One and fuckin'gGordo Two.
You hear me?"
We would answer, "Yeah."
"All right.
Fucking clean yourselves.
This nigga Elon Musk
be goin' to space by hisself.
What the fuck is that white man
doin' in space alone?
Thats not suspiciousto anybody but me?
This motherfucker goes to space
without the government, without NASA?
Which I didnt even know
you could fucking do!
As far as I knew, they were
the space niggas. They run space!
You wanna fuck with space,
you gotta fuck with them.
This motherfucker built a spaceship
like its a go-kart. Goes on Tuesdays.
Bitch, space day is Saturday!
Everybody know that!
You cant leave midweek
to goto goddamn space!
Its an event. It happens Saturday.
The TVs on.
This nigga be going Wednesday night. What?
From Sacramento, at that.
Bitch, space place is Cape Canaveral.
Thats where you go from.
Aint no entry point to Mars
from fuckin' Sacramento.
When you goin' to space, you at least
tell the people. Its a PSA.
Get on the goddamn news. Say,
"Hey, I'm about to fuck around in space.
Dont be alarmed." This nigga just went.
We thought it was aliens. Aliens?
No, it's just Elon doin' donuts
in the sky. What the fuck is this?
[laughter, applause]
White man ambition is some shit.
You wanna know where the racism is?
Thats where the fuck it is: Whitemen.
I know yall still confused. Look at him.
"What are you talking about?"
Fuckin' confused.
'Cause they dont get--
Everyone learns the history.
So youre like, "No ones getting hung,
and we aint beating nobody.
I work next to a Black guy,
and he has a car, so equality."
Just lay the fuck down.
Rest easy. "Everythings fair."
Fuckin' nutjob!
Everythings not fair!
'Cause while youre sleepin',
youre dreaming about buying Mars, nigga!
I never thought I could do shit like that.
I thought about having all the money.
I thought, "If I get all the money,
Ill buy them gold ceilings
Master P had in Cribs. That's
Thats what the fuck Imma do
when I get all the goddamn money."
Space by my goddamn self,bitch? Never!
Even if I thought about going to space,
Id call NASA first.
"Yo, NASA, this Sam. Can I go?
You know what? It is Tuesday.
Space day is Saturday."
You never know when someonesgonna dump
some shit into your head
thats gonna ruin your life,
or at least change it for months,
or just cause you trouble.
And it could be just in passing,
somebody just drops shit into your head,
and you have to deal with it.
Like, you could just be having a day,
and somebody you know or dont know
that well goes, "You taking turmeric?"
"Turmeric, are you taking it?" "Turmeric?"
"Yeah, you gotta take that shit."
"Turmeric?" "Yup."
"The spice?" "Yeah, you gotta take it."
"Turmeric, the spice?"
"Yeah, man, you gotta take that."
"Th--The spice that you buy once
to make an Indian recipe
and you never use it again,
and it stains your wooden spoon,
that turmeric?"
"Yeah, you got to take that shit."
As hes walking away, hes like,
"Oh yeah, if youre gonna get turmeric,
make sure you get it with black pepper
in it, or it wont activate."
Now, right there,
doesnt that make you go,
"That sounds like bullshit
to me a little bit?
Am I that big of a sucker
you think I would believe that?"
Wheres the science on that? That sounds
like a couple of vitamin hustlers
sitting over a mound of wholesale turmeric
with a bunch of empty gel caps,
one guy going, "I dont know, man.
I dont think
we can move thisjust like this.
It's just a spice.
I think we gotta--
We gotta add something."
"Yeah, like what, boss?"
I dont know why its a '30s movie.
"I dont know, maybe another spice?"
"Yeah, like what? Maybe pepper?"
"Yeah, keep talking."
"Maybe we say it activates it?"
"Holy shit! That's a fuckin'
million-dollar idea, right there.
Lets load up these gel caps.
Maybe Rogan'll move 'em on his podcast."
I don't feel like my kids' private school
respects my level of celebrity.
I don't. I really don't. I mean this.
I swear to God. I'm not playing.
I'm gonna be very honest.
It's my fucking household.
I'm not holding back.
They don't respect my level of celebrity!
I'm a very humble guy.
May not seem like it after that sentence,
but I am. I'm a very humble guy.
What's understooddoesn't need to be said.
You know who I am, and I knowyou know
who the fuck I am.
Don't make me say who I am.
They put me in a position
to have to say who Iam.
I go drop my kids off at the school.
Teachers come running out,
surround my car.
"Mr. Hart,
we'd love to talk to you for a second.
The big fair is coming up.
We do this fair
once a year at the school.
We would love it
if you would be
the greeter at thisyear's fair."
[laughter, appaluse]
I gave her a lot of time for her to say,
"I'm bullshittin'." She never said it.
I said, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"No. It's our biggest fair.
We'd love it if you'd be the greeter.
We think you would make
an amazinggreeter at this year's fair."
Before I go on with this joke,
I wanna make this perfectly clear.
First things first,
I have nothing against greeters, okay?
I don't wanna tell this joke
and walk outside my house,
and there's a group of ya'll with signs
talking about Cancel Kevin Hart
'cause he don't respect greeters.
"Cancel Kevin Hart
because he don't respect the greet."
Greeters are amazing people.
The job is actually required. I get it.
I've actually been hit
with some amazinggreetings in my time.
I want to Walmart.
I got hit with a greeting
so fucking fantastic one time.
I don't even know where he came from.
He just slid in my POV.
I walked in. He was like,
"Welcome to Walmart.
You here to get you some stuff?"
I was like, "What the fuck.
Where did you come from, man?"
He's like, "You better get you
some stuff. We rolling back prices."
Then he moonwalked.
He just moonwalked out the way.
I said, "What the fuck just happened?
What just happened here?"
I was so blown away by the greeting,
not only did I go get me some stuff,
I broke my neck
looking for this guy onthe way out.
I want him to see my stuff. "Hey!
Come here, man. Hey!
Come here.
I wanna show you my stuff!"
He came over.
I opened my bag. He was like,"Oh!"
He said,
"You got you some good stuff."
Took out his highlighter,
swiped my receipt
so people knew I didn't steal.
He said, "Make sure
you come and see me again."
I said, "Will you be here?"
He said, "If I'm not, who will?"
Moonwalked out the way again.
I said, "What the fuck?!"
That was one of the best
goddamn greetings I've ever seen, man.
"Of course
Imma come back and see you again."
I'm not shittin' on greeters.
I'm just saying
I didn't have to go that route.
I went around that to get to my success.
You don't come to me
and ask me to be a fuckin' greeter.
I had a number one movie
in the box office atthe time.
I was on the side of fuckin' buses.
You don't ask me to be the greeter.
There's other parents
who got kids who go there
that are former actors and actresses
that youcould've fuckin' asked.
Carlton from The Fresh Prince,Alfonso,
that's your greeter. This right here,
that's who you want at the front.
That's your greeter.
Terry Crews, he got kids that go there.
That's your greeter.
Pec-popping at the front.
[repeating] "Hey!
Hey, hey, hey. Welcome to the fair.
Who want a ticket? Hey, hey, hey, hey."
What a combination.
Parents would've went crazy. "Whoa!
What a school!
I want tickets.
I'm going to buy every ticket I can."
[repeating] "Hey!"
Parents would be blown away.
"These greeters are amazing."
And at the beginning,
we all had one password.
It was our first password.
We can nostalgically remember.
And we used it for everything.
Every time we joined another business.
"Can I have your password?"
"Yes, you can. That is my special word."
And then,
companies started getting quite rude.
You would put your password in,
and it would go, "Weak."
"Who are you to judge my special word?"
They're like, "Sorry,
but the internet has become popular.
We need to strengthen your password."
And businesses would insist,
"We must have from you a capital letter.
I'm sorry, we will not
be accepting passwords anymore
unless it contains
at least one capital letter."
And we all momentarily
considered our options
before deciding to capitalize
the first letter of our password.
And for a period of time, that was fine.
But the internet became
even more popular.
And then businesses started saying,
"I'm afraid you cannot join
unless you have at least one
capital letterand at least one number!"
less than
half a micro-second's consideration,
before we collectively decided
you shall be getting the number one,
and that will be at the end
of my now capitalized password.
And for a period of time,
this was acceptable
until a whole new, unexpected,
and exciting dawn emerged,
a world of special characters.
We didn't even know what they were.
And businesses would say,
"We need a capital letter,
we need a number, but we will also require
a special character."
And we clicked on the button.
"Please, can I have some examples
of these special characters
which you now insist upon?"
And we perused them. "There they are.
I had no idea
these characterswere so special."
Until all of our eyes
stopped upon the exclamation mark.
[laughter, applause]
"You're coming with me."
Which we then putat the end
of our now capitalized password,
just after the "one."
And it's at this momentthat everybody
at the LondonPalladium is thinking,
"I should probably change my password.
I'm probably going to do that tomorrow.
Or do that now."
Growing up in the South,
we love two things,
and that was church andChili's.
Everybody in the South goes to church.
There's one on every corner.
They even try to fool you
with churches.Like right now,
you think you're in a theater.
[laughter, applause]
But the reward for going to church
is that then you get to go to Chili's.
And Chili's, in my hometown,
was the fanciest restaurant.
It was so fancy,
I referred to it as Chil's.
Now, I grew up Methodist,
which is considered Christian light.
Just a little dab will do you. Just boop!
Just a little bit of Jesus,
that's all you need.
All we cared about was that the preacher
was done with his sermon by noon
so we could beat the Baptists
to the Chili's.
[laughter, applause]
It'd be 11:55, and if the preacher
was still yammering on,
you could hear the choir
slowly start singing.
[to "Amazing Grace"]
Baby back ribs
How sweet the sauce
We're like, "Preacher! Wrap it up!"
I have good news.
I finally smoked weed with my mom.
Did it.
Took me 36 years of campaigning.
Finally did it.
Now, keep in mind,
my mom is a 700-year-old Jew, okay?
Wasn't easy.
No, she came to my house,
we were in Los Angeles,
and I'm driving around with my mom,
and I go, "Smoke pot with me."
And she goes, "No. It's illegal."
I go, "No, it's not. It's legal now."
And she goes, "Oh, okay."
I swear to God, it was that easy.
So we went to my house,
and I'm trying to smoke a bowl with her,
and she can't inhale. She looks like
Dizzy Gillespie the whole time. Like
[blows raspberries]
So I give her a little weed cookie,
and then we start playing Scrabble,
and then 20 or 30 minutes later,
her eyes got all red,
and she looks up at me and goes,
"My mouth is dry.
Is that part of the appeal?"
And then she snapped.
She was like, "Bring it in.
Bill Cosby didn't do it.
I did it!"
And I haven't seen her since.
-[Eric laughs]
By the way,
Bill Cosby is guest bartending tonight
if you guys want
some really strong drinks!
I saw a great documentary on Ted Bundy.
Did anybody see that?
It was a four-hour,
four-part Ted Bundy documentary.
And they said, originally,he wanted to be
an attorney or a politician.
When I heard that,
the whole thing kind of made sense.
Like, all right. He actually took
the more admirable route.
I've seen about 30 documentaries
on Ted Bundy, and I gotta be honest,
I'm a little sick and tired
of the hero-worship
we have of serial killers in this country.
And I say we,
'cause I've been guilty of it too.
But you can tell it's more
than just curiosity and voyeurism.
It's admiration. You can tell
by the language used in the documentaries.
They don't talk about Ted Bundy
the way they should talk about him.
If they were speaking about him honestly,
every sentence would start with,
"And then, this piece of shit"
[laughter, applause]
But they don't do that.
They give the obligatory,
"He was wicked. He was evil."
But then they find
almost admirable qualities,
and they harp on them.
First of all, his intellect.
They can't stop talking
about his intellect,
which was overrated.
He was not that bright.
They're like,
"Ted Bundy was so intelligent.
He escaped from jail twice."
You know how he escaped
from jail the first time?
The window was open, and he jumped out.
That's how a cat or bird
would escape from prison.
You're not a mastermind
if you're in jail and see an open window,
and you're like, "Freedom is that way!"
They called him a genius
because I think they like the idea
of the wicked genius.
They said, "Ted Bundy was a genius.
He acted as his own attorney."
They executed him.
He sucked as a lawyer.
You're not a genius
if you get the worst--
He couldn't have done worse.
If he had hired
an orangutan to represent him,
and it just shit in its own hand
and mushed it in the face of the jury,
it would have gotten the same sentence
Ted got making an effort.
[laughter, applause]
And collectively, can we agree,
stop harping on his appearance?
He was an average-looking guy,
but they can't stop talking about,
"Oh my God, he was charming.
Ted Bundy was so handsome."
No, he wasn't.
He was handsome in that pool of people.
Okay? In the group of men
who have murdered and raped
40 or more women
Ted's a catch.
I'm married. I havea white wife
and a white son-- white stepson.
Blonde hair, blue eyes. Little white son.
I've been raising him
since he was two years old.
We call him Miklo, yes. Miklo.
But he thinks he's Mexican too, now!
He be steppin' up to fools,
"What's up, fool?
You fucking with la raza?"
I'm like, "Hey, calm down, Scott.
That's the condo association.
Don't fuck around."
White boys are down, though.
When you have a white boy
who's the fuck in your gang, he's down.
White boys are crazy, man.
They come up with fucking crimes
that we could never think of.
One time, this white cholo comes up to me.
"What's up, homie?
You want to do a home invasion, bitch?"
I'm like, "Fuck. Who's house, Ryan?"
"My mom's house.
[laughter, applause]
That bitchdidn't want
to make me a sandwich last night."
You get proudof your stepson
when he does stuff,
even though I don't help him do anything.
I'm always right there,
"Yeah, you know, I'm his only father."
But if my son becomes
a serial killer or a school shooter,
Imma be like, "Hey bro, you fuckin' know
how fucking white people are, bro..
I was scared for my life!
One time, he dressed up like a ghost.
I didn't know if he was a ghost
or a fucking KKK member."
[laughter, applause]
There are stilla lot of Greeks alive
and thriving in the world today.
Hello and welcome.
No, just the ancient Greeks.
They are all dead.
They lived on a busy road
that was built by the ancient Romans.
Now, who have we got here?
We've got Pythagoras.
He's busy naming all the triangles!
That's a cute one.
Then you've got Socrates here.
He took a bit of a tumble.
Classic Socrates.
Good with the thoughts,
shit with the walk. Get up, mate. Arugula?
What were the women doing
while all the men were doing
the important naming of all the things?
From my research, what I gather,
women were generallystanding around
in groups of three, naked,
just waiting for men
to name all of the things.
You see it happening
with this central figure.
She's saying,"What have you got
in your hand there, Karen?"
"Just a couple of bits and bobs."
Women were just holding things.
Just waiting, hoping it wasn't poisonous.
Waiting for men to name the things.
This was painted before beds were named.
You can see women desperately trying
to make the beds,
just flinging the linen
into the trees willy-nilly.
Just going, "I don't know.
Let's just build a fort.
We'll make it a fancy fort!"
"Yay! We finished the fort!"
Dancing naked
in groups of three in the forest
is the number one hobby
of women of all time.
And don't we just love it?
Isn't that the safest thing
you've ever heard of? Love it.
Now this might just look like
a footloose, fancy-free frolic
in the forest on a bank holiday, no drama.
But let me draw your attention
to this grip here.
That is too tightfor fun times alone.
It suggests tension.
What has happened?
Has someone mentioned the paleo?
What has happened
is this central figure, here,
has realized that this bit of cloth,
this waft of gauze,
this potential fort, if you will,
has made its way
so far up her clacker
so far up her clacker,
it had both fannies covered.
And she is upset!
Now, it's worth pointing out
at this juncture
that this is not a photograph.
This is not an accidental photograph
taken of an unfortunate moment. Awkward.
No. What this is, is a painting.
Which makes this
a decision!
It's a decision.
One a man made and spent time on.
Oh my God!
That's what I do now, by the way. I hike.
It's my thing now. I hike.
Hiking is not my exercise.
It's my activity.
Because hiking is not an exercise.
It's the segue between the actual exercise
you did in your 20s and 30s
and then the gentle mall walking
you're going to do
in your 70s and 80s
so that you'll fit
into the tuxedo at the funeral home.
'Cause you don't want 'em
splitting the back of the jacket open.
That's embarrassing. Come on.
Let's die with some dignity.
So what I do every day,
I park my car
at the base of a hiking trail.
Then, I walk away from my car
until I eventually turn around
and walk back to my car. And that's--
That's what I do.
There I am,
out there with all the other 50-year olds.
Doing our little doom ovals.
And if you were to fly a helicopter
low over the Earth,
you know what you would see?
You'd seepeople in their 20s
gobbling drugs,
eating delicious food, having sex.
People in their 30s, with actual jobs,
making the world run.
People in their 40s
tying to fuck the 20-year olds.
And then us,
the gentle, surrendered 50-year olds,
on our little futility ovals.
We've got our earbuds in,
listening to podcasts
which are done by 20-year olds
that nobody wants to fuck.
If we're going to understand our country,
we have to understand our beliefs.
-Do you agree?
-[audience] Yes.
Right? And what we must understand
is that they are not true,
but we really fucking believe them.
For instance, all Indiansmust stand
for the national anthem.
I believe it.
But, technically, we don't have to.
Probably should. Safety issue.
Because there are dudes
multitasking in the room,
singing while whooping ass.
[sings indistinctly and shouts]
So stand for the national anthem, man.
It's pretty chilled out,
our national anthem.
Like, a definitive end. It's not too long.
You know when it's over.
We all just kind of go
[sings indistinctly]
Nobody died. Okay, sit down.
These guys never know when to sit down.
For the land of the free
And the home of the
That football player who took a knee
wasn't protesting. He was just resting.
We don't have to stand
for the national anthem.
Do you know how I know?
The announcement says, "Please.
Please stand for the national anthem."
In standard Indian rules,
if the announcement says please,
we don't do that shit.
"Please wait
'til your plane has reached the gate
before you use your cell phone."
Fuck off!
We are in the air,
we see a building we recognize,
we'll start trying to call people, right?
"Please don't piss on the wall."
That's what walls are for.
America should be very grateful
they share a border with Mexico, not us.
Because, you know
If it was us,
and they built a wall, they'd have
a very different problem on their hands.
[Donald Trump voice] "Why do they
keep pissing on us?"
You're picturing that now,
aren't you? [laughs]
[laughter, applause]
Young people love to kiss.
They suck each other's tongues.
I saw this young couple
in an elevator just making out.
Didn't care that we were in the elevator.
Sucking each other like licorice. [kisses]
Then he stuck his finger down her throat.
Right? He just stuck it--[moans]
And she started sucking it
like it was a penis.
If I tried to stick my finger
in my wife's mouth,
she'd be like, "What the--
What the fuck was that?
Are you mad at me? What the fuck did I do?
You don't want to listen to me,tell me
to shut the fuck up. Don't do that.
You just scratched your nuts
for a half hour on the couch
watching the game.
Alls I taste is mushrooms.
I hate mushrooms.
Fuckin' truffle-nuts. Leave me alone."
Yeah, around 45, you stop kissing.
That's when you're like-- [kisses]
"Hi. Goodbye."
Yeah, because he has a dead tooth,
and you don't have dental.
"Let's not do that anymore. How's that?"
[laughter, applause]
Now there are things that we do
that we thinkwe're nailing,
and we're not.
Like thongs,
That's what we call them in South Africa.
You know, we will never have world peace
unless we can agree
on a name for these shoes.
Now, the thing with those shoes,
they don't come with instructions.
The thing is, they really should.
'Cause I never owned a pair
'cause I grew up on a farmin South Africa
where we have
snakes, and scorpions, and shit.
So you can't have any of that.
So the first time I ever bought a pair
was when I was in my mid-30s,
13 years ago in New Zealand.
And no one stopped me.
Like, I bought them. No one,
as I got to the door, went, "Hey
have you used those before?"
You go, "No, I haven't."
"Come here.
Hey, just so you know,
if a drop of moisture
get on the inside of that shoe,
you're dead.
Oh, and if a drop of moisture
gets on the outside of that shoe, [laughs]
you're dead.
Oh, and don't think,
for a second, that you can run
from your car, during a thunderstorm
into the mall
where they've gone ahead and tiled it.
whether you're physically prepared or not,
you're going to do
the full fucking splits."
And you're like, "Okay.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Cool."
And as you walk out,
they go, "Oh, one more thing.
Just so you know, those shoes,
they're only for forward motion.
We call them one-directional.
Yeah. You wanna take a step to the side?
You're dead.
You wanna take a step back?
My uncle tried that. He's dead!"
Those shoes are so complex, man.
They should come with a warning
and someone to live with you
for, like, a week after you buy them.
And I learned that I'm officially
at the age-weight ratio
where I no longer fall over.
I had a fall.
You don't know when it will happen to you.
Even five years ago,my friends
would've gone, "Were you drunk?" [laughs]
Now, I get all these concerned emojis.
"Mate, are you all right?
I believe you had a fall." I'm like,
"No, bitch, I was wearing
my death booties. I forgot."
[Tom] These are the good times.
People talk about the good old days
all the time, right, lately?
"What if we just go back
to the good old days?"
"The good old days." Are you kidding me?
These are the good old days.
The good old days? We're just
figuring out how to do stuff now.
And we don't even
have it figured out, yet.
You wanna go to the good old days?
They didn't know how to do anything there.
You ever see
the first bicycle ever made?
I don't know how to make anything.
But I know you don't take
the smallest wheel you can find
and put that in the back
and the biggest wheel on earth
and put that up front.
It's a bad bike.
You couldn't even get
in the seat by yourself.
Your friends had to fling you up there
by the ends of your handlebar mustache
and hope you landed on the seat.
And once you started peddling,
you couldn't stop.
You peddled 'til you died.
And that was okay, 'cause
your life expectancy in the good old days?
Twenty-eight years old!
Please. A horrible time to live.
Hospitals were a nightmare.
All they did was cut your leg off.
Didn't matter what you had.
Broken arm? The flu?
You walked in, you hopped back out.
No medicine. No medicine.
No Advil. Could you imagine?
A life without Advil. Oh!
Ever go to the cabinet
and realize you're out of Advil? Ah!
I just lay on the ground
and hope to die.
What're you gonna take?
That 12-year-old Benadryl from the back?
They had no TUMS. No TUMS!
You ate, got gassy and exploded.
These are the good old days.
Look at all your outfits.Look at
these beautiful fabrics you're wearing.
And I know you had options.
This isn't your only outfit.
No, not in the good old days.
One hard, woolen outfit.
Hard leather shoes
made out of pig livers.
And burlap underpants.
Burlap underpants.
Ever see
black-and-white pictures from back then?
They're all angry,
just staring at the camera.
Like, "What's wrong with those people?
Why were they so unhappy?"
Burlap underpants.
[laughter, applause]
Come home, start playing video games.
Grand Theft Auto 3.
Fans of GTA.
First time in a video game
you could do anything you felt like.
You can do whatever the fuck.
Go steal guns. Steal a car. No worries.
Can run over people.
The police comes. You can kill the police.
Then they send the army,
which you can also kill.
And if, in the middle of that, by mistake,
if you die, you are just alive again.
In the hospital, but without guns.
Go back to stealing guns.
But it was too much freedom
for my mentality at the time.
"You can do anything."
"Yes, but what are you supposed to do?"
"Anything! Go wild."
"Yes, but what is the objective?"
I looked it up and found out
exactly the shit you needed to do.
Did all that, finished the game.
End of the game, you get statistics,
which is how many times you've died,
how many people you've killed,
and a very interesting thing
called completion percentage.
And it said, "Completion percentage, 12%."
I finished the game. That's a 100%.
No, no no. You've just reached the ending.
But you only did 12%
of all the things you could've done.
Well, fuck!
What if life is like that?
What if you die and go to the afterlife,
and they give you a report card?
"Three percent?"
"You didn't do any of the side missions."
"Like-- like what?"
"Like, see here at a party?
Someone gave you a joint.
You said, 'No, thanks.' Fifteen percent."
"All right, then."
"You loved someone.
You wanted to tell them.
Instead, you said, 'Ah! Bye.
It was a dare!'"
It wasn't a dare.
My granddaddy
used to love to watch wrestling.
He had this thing about Black wrestlers
beating the shit out of white wrestlers.
Like, like Thunderbolt Patterson?
He would scream at the TV
when Thunderbolt Patterson
was beating the shitout of
somebody white. "Kill that cracker!"
And I'd be sitting next to him,
"Kill that cracker!"
I had no fucking clue you white people
was supposed to be crackers.
So when I got older, I wanted to go see
a match on my own, y'all.
So I'm at--I'm at Peachtree downtown.
I go--I go to this-- I'm on my way
to the wrestling match,
and I stop at a Marriott hotel
to call my brother, like,
"Hurry the fuck up.
We gonna miss the goddamn match."
He's like, "I'm on my way." So,
I hang up the phone, but I look up,
and this white man is staring at me.
He was like, "Hey, how you doing?"
I'm like, "Hey, how you doing?"
He was like, "You wanna go
to my room with me?"
I'm like, "Okay."
I ain't never been
to a Marriott hotel before.
Especially not in their room.
He opened the door, y'all,
and the first thing I noticed,
he had fuckin' air conditioning.
We didn't have that
when we were coming up.
We had that one fan
that my momma kept in front of her pussy,
and it blew her pussy
all through the house all day.
Like, "Can someone tell momma
her pussy stank today?"
He go over to the little refrigerator
in the hotel room.
He opened the door, ya'll,
and he gave me a real Coca-Cola.
At this time in my life,
I had never had a real Coca-Cola.
Colas, and maybe Kool-Aid,
but not Coca-Cola.
I was so fucking excited,
I popped that shit,
and I drunk it in one swallow.
He walked me over to the bed.
He don'tsay shit.
He just unzipped his pants
and take out his white dick.
And I had never seen
a white dick before, ya'll.
And white dicks
look like an uncooked chicken leg to me.
[screaming, laughter]
[laughs] Look at all the white dudes,
like, "What the fuck'sshe talking about?"
And he wrapped my hand around.
He made me go up and down
and up and down.
And I'm thinking to myself,
"Is this how white people barbecue?
'Cause this chicken leg
needs some fucking seasoning salt."
About five minutes in, something came out
of the chicken leg, y'all.
So he took it out of my hand,
and he wiped my hand off,
and he gave me $100.
I'm like, "Sir,
are you gon to be here tomorrow?"
That was a lot of fuckin' money
for an 11-year old.
Oh, fuck you, white people!
That's more money than
your lemonade stands ever fuckin' made.
You ain't never madethat kind ofmoney
at your shitty-ass lemonade stand.
Fuck ya'll. That white man
was creating jobs in the Black community.
I like people in their 20s and 30s.
They just don't get it yet.
People in their 20s and 30s,
"Let's get fucked up!
You want to get fucked up?
Yeah! Let's get fucked up!"
No, I don't want
to get fucked up. I don't.
No, it's not fun.
I'm in my 50s.
I only feel good, like, two days a month.
Why would I want to fuck up one of those?
If I wanna get fucked up at my age,
I'll eat some cheese, you know?
[laughter, applause]
What kind of cheese was that?
Camembert with truffle flakes?
All right, it was worth it. But fuck.
I'm fucked up now.
My wife, for Christmas,
she got me a gym membership.
"Thank you, honey. Oh, thank you."
I know. I went over there, and I saw
these old guys. They were working out.
And um, they were ripped.
But it looks weird, you know?
I don't wanna get ripped, you know?
I just don't wanna look
like a complete piece of shit.
You know? That's the goal.
Give me that personal trainer.
The not complete piece of shit
personal trainer.
So I'm looking at these old guys,
and they're, like, ripped, you know?
But it looked weird.
Something was off.
I was like, "What, is it the--"
Then I figured it out.
You're not supposed to be ripped
when you're old.
'Cause your skin gets stretched too thin.
It's like, "Look how ripped I am."
"Yeah, but I can see your heart.
Put on your shirt.
You're grossing me out."
But uh, my favorite part
of being marriedis my wife deciding
what I don't need anymore, you know?
[in Mexican accent] "This doesn't fit.
This looks like shit. Can't wear this."
She's not Mexican.
It's just more fun to do that voice.
[laughs] More fun. More fun.
She could be Mexican. I'm not sure.
I have my suspicions. I'm not 100% sure.
"You don't wear this anymore.
This doesn't fit anymore."
My wife threw away all my sweatpants.
Threw it away.
-"Why'd you throw away all my sweatpants?"
-"Because sweatpants, they lie to you.
They are liars, the sweatpants.
You don't know how fat you're getting.
You don't know. 'Til one day,
both strings just disappear.
Then you are a fat fuck.
It's too late. I threw them away."
She's right, though. Let me tell you,
if you're in your 50s, and you're a guy,
it's dangerous wearing sweatpants.
It is. It's dangerous.
Because it's way too easy
to just whip out your dick.
I found myself whipping out my dick.
I wasn't even halfway to the bathroom.
And then I get distracted by something.
Then I hear my wife yelling,
"What are you doing with your dick out?
You're not even in the bathroom yet."
I was like, "Hey
I didn't even realize
the Olive Garden had a salad bar."
I don't know.
I'm not a good feminist, though.
I'm still listening to R. Kelly.
I kind of forgot how good that music was
'til that documentary came out.
People are freaking out. Like,
"What are we gonna do with his music?"
I'm like, "Look, obviously, I'm not gonna
support anything new that he puts out.
Unless it's great."
Honestly, though, all his old music,
that's all grandfathered in.
Look, if you're not listening
to that music,
it's like
he fucked those kids for nothing.
[audience groaning]
Hey guys, look, you [laughs]
You may not support the war,
but you always support the soldiers.
Oh man!
Those girls served this country. [laughs]
Yeah, I think they should have
the same rights as veterans.
They should be able to go
to school for free, board the plane first.
Why are we letting
your grandmothers board the plane first?
They've done nothing for us.
Those girls are the reason why
we have the remix to "Ignition."
[cheering, laughter]
Oh, man. Did you watch
the documentary, though?
[audience] Yeah!
I didn't know he was having sex with kids
and keeping them in his house.
You're like, "Kelly, catch and release.
You can't have the whole
JV basketball team in your basement."
They're like,
"We're losing a lot of games.
Where are the point guards?"
I don't know. I think
he was justhaving sex with kids
'cause they were
at the same reading level.
Look, I don't care
if you guys laugh at that or not. [laughs]
I was ignored my whole childhood.
Yeah. I would've loved
to have been at R. Kelly's house.
Oh my God. There would've been
so many kids to play with.
Oh man. What a sick game of tag
that would have been. [laughs]
I don't know though, R. Kelly's a guy
that put out a song
called "I Believe I Can Fly."
Like, if he thought he could fly,
he definitely thought he could
fuck some kids and get away with it.
The harmonium.
[mimics explosion]
It just appeared! [laughs]
Oh man. The harmonium
is such a depressing instrument.
And you can't hate it also.
It looks likean old uncle with asthma.
The guitar's like a young teenager. Like,
"Yeah, let's do drugs, bro. Come on."
Harmonium is like,
"If you can just drop me to the temple"
[audience cheers]
It's the first time someone got excited
by seeing someone
approach a harmonium. That never--
It's usually the soundtrack of a funeral.
The harmonium is great.
It doesn't need electricity,
by the way, to run.
It's eco-friendly, so
It's also poverty-proof.
You can't complain to the government.
You can't be like, "We can't pursue arts
'cause there's no electricity at home."
The government is like, "Harmonium."
Western instruments use electricity,
like electric guitar, electric piano.
"Ma'am, can I use an electric guitar?"
She said, "No. You'll get shocked."
And uh, it's--it's also very interesting
how it's made.
It's made out of wood and depression.
So-- And it's the only instrument
which sounds like the word "no."
Like it's "no" in every scale.
So I used to ask my teacher, "Can I play
the guitar today?" She used to be like
[long note plays]
[laughter, applause]
How can anything good come from that?
And not just in English,
in any language. Like
It's amazing. I could start crying,
and you would not make out the difference.
"What an alap!" No, he's crying.
He's crying.
-Will we disappoint you?
-Who knows?
We don't know.
We don't know what will happen.
No. Why, Thomas?
'Cause this is
a completely improvised show.
-What does that mean?
-[Middleditch] Everything's made up.
-What do you mean everything's made up?
-You say something. I say, "Yes, and"
So if I say something like,
"These meatballs are really tasty"
I go, "Yes, and they are made of meat."
-That's improv.
-And that is improv.
Please, man. I got fucked last time.
-[Schwartz] You did. You did get fucked.
Okay, so you know what it's like.
You can do it again.
I know.
You don't know
if he's going to make us fuck.
-Yeah, so turn around.
-Go for it.
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. One.
-One and done?
-That's it.
-It goes rock, scissors, paper, shoot.
-Whoa, is that what you're gonna do?
-[Middleditch] Okay.
-Ready? Here we go. I know what you'll do.
-[Schwartz] 'Cause of what you threw down.
-I'm almost certain I can get this.
-I'm 100% certain I'm going to beat you.
In real life.
I really think I'll beat you.
-Okay. Yeah.
-[Schwartz] For real.
-I'm so certain.
-I actually think you will, too.
-Because I think I'm in your head a bit.
-[Middleditch] Yeah.
-[Schwartz] Okay, ready?
-Which is why I'm gonna get fucked.
We're animals.
We're not peoplefucking each other.
-And it's consent and everything.
-Yeah, this is two gazelles consenting
who gets to fuck who
via a one-and-done
rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
-[Middleditch] All right.
-I know you're gonna lose.
-I for real know.
-I think so, too.
And I don't know why I'm scared.
-It doesn't matter.
-No. This has no consequence.
It will be recorded forever,
so if you lose, everybody knows.
Everybody knows I'm shit
at rock, paper, scissors.
You can change your answer.
I'll change mine if you change yours.
Tell me if you're gonna.
-Neither was I, you fuckin' idiot.
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
Thanks! That's our show.
Thank you, New York City.
You've been the best.
-Thanks a lot, you guys.
-Thank you very much.
Thank you. Gracias.
You guys have made
this special fucking special!
Ya'll were dope as fuck.
Have a good night.
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen!
-Thank you so much.
-Thanks, everybody.
[upbeat music fades out]