Better Off Single (2016) Movie Script

So, I'm not a big
believer in blind dates.
- Uh, me neither.
Even though work colleagues
swore I'd like her...
My sister promised I'd like him.
- Still...
- - We were skeptical.
That is until...
I saw her.
And I saw him.
- Something clicked. We started talking.
- We couldn't stop
- the whole night. -Closed down the
restaurant and went and got drinks.
And then he's such a gentlemen.
- He walked me home.
- Well, almost home.
'cause on this dark street,
these two huge
thugs with brass knuckles...
- And nunchucks.
- -And really bad skin.
They grabbed me, said that they wanted
our money and were going to rape me.
We want your money
and are going to rape you.
- It was horrible.
- -Well, it could've been.
Right, if Barry
hadn't vowed to protect
New York City streets since
being orphaned as a boy.
- Yeah. I'm
the trust-funded avenger.
Is he ever. Barry learned
Thai-stick fighting
on the rough
streets of Princeton.
He was so calm and strong.
I'd never seen a throwing star.
Lucky for them,
I was with a beautiful lady
otherwise, I wouldn't
have been so nice.
And after seeing
the almost tender way
- he vanquished
those ruffians...
I am quite compassionate.
I knew right then, it was time.
Time for me to take
her virginity.
I thought I would be scared
but, thankfully, prior to me
Barry had made love
to more than 80 women.
- 83... which is a lot.
- I felt like I was made of light...
A sexual firefly or something.
- Fetishistic climaxes
again and again and again.
And, the next morning,
after we won $38 million
playing nickel slots...
And started travelling the world
and haven't stopped since.
But, Charlie, that's us, yo.
What about you?
- I haven't seen you since, I
don't know, high school. -Wow.
What's goin' on? Tell us
about your lucky lady.
You've got one of those, right?
Yeah, what's goin' on with you?
Ever notice when you're
not in a relationship
everyone else is in
a ridiculously happy one?
I mean, this guy?
These two?
It's not like this shit
ever works out for me.
Charlie, you called her
ten times a day
for the past two weeks.
She doesn't like you, dude.
Now help me find this
boomerang before your mom
- makes us do geometry.
- -Was it my fault?
Who puts a heart around "no"
if she doesn't mean "yes"?
Come on.
And college was even worse.
All I'm saying is next time
don't leave me there by myself
while you go talk
to frat guys all night, okay?
You're the one who told me to go
flirt for free beer, remember?
- You didn't have to like it so much.
- Charlie...
So that's how to avoid
failing the final exam.
You name the relationship
I'll tell you
where it went wrong.
That dog was
such a buzz-kill.
Let's just say we're both
happy it ended...
Like how all my relationships
ended... happy.
Well, until Angela.
You have got to be kidding me.
Angela, I'm sorry I woke you up.
You used to like
middle-of-the-night sex.
I mean you are white-hot,
basically naked in my bed.
You practically groped me.
With my knee?
While sleeping?
- Shit. Do you
see it anywhere?
- It's gonna be all right.
Okay? -I told you
to shut that window.
Blood-sucking mosquitoes
are never gonna let me sleep.
- Honey. -I'm already
nervous for my meeting.
Hey. Honey, honey,
honey, honey.
- You know tomorrow's
gonna go great.
And I promise you, even if I have
to stay up all night to do it,
you can sleep the entire time.
That mosquito's teeny
tiny little life will end.
And ever since Angela
and I broke up
I just can't stop thinking.
Don't just kill it...
Torture it.
Pump it for information
find out where those
insect sleeper cells live.
I'm gonna waterboard the
shit out of that mosquito.
And I don't care what the
mainstream liberal media
- has to say about it.
- Mmm.
The little fucker deserves it!
I love you.
Mmm. You promise
that mosquito dies after?
Alive mosquitoes
are so last year.
- Just in case.
- Hmm.
Whoa. Oh.
And even though
Angela and I are finished,
"why" just doesn't make sense.
I mean, wouldn't it have
been simpler for us
if we just did the things
in our relationship
that our grandparents
did in theirs?
They never split up.
Hell, even our
parents' generation
did enough to at least
fake-out the kids pre-divorce.
And while I know pretending
is no sure-fire cure-all
it sure as shit beats reality.
I don't know.
I wish just once
I had a clue what to do.
And, I mean, I just can't
get out of my head.
My brain just keeps playing
and replaying and replaying.
"Why did
the relationship end?"
How can I get over her?
And I don't know.
No change then?
I really, really tried
to make it work, Charlie.
But you just didn't live here.
You were in another world.
What about the daydreams
and sex fantasies?
Are you still having those?
Look, I know you believe
that other couples
are truly happy
but the truth is, they aren't.
Nobody's happy
unless they're single
and don't have to make compromises...
relationship compromises
that frankly suck for everyone.
Even single people
only think they're happy
but they really aren't.
They hate their parents,
they hate their jobs
and their goddamn
fantasy football teams.
Whatever they can come up with
to keep themselves miserable.
Miserable, Charlie, is what
people are meant to be.
You mind if I smoke?
I wish you could hear
half of the incessant whining
that goes on in this room.
You people are relentless.
Although my Catskills cabin
does say thank you.
Well, then sign me up
for six more years
of these sessions
right now, can we?
Charlie, you pose
a very good question...
Very good...
About our sessions.
Um, Charlie.
We need to talk. I've wanted to
bring this up for a long time,
but with your birthday
and the summer holidays
and that layoff situation
you've been dealing with,
I didn't think
it was the right time...
But, you know, when is it really
the "right time"?
Charlie, what I'm saying is
I think it would be good for us
to take a little time off.
It's August, right?
You're probably headed to
wherever that massive
therapist rave is.
Wherever you guys go this time of year.
Just give me the dates.
- It's fine.
- No, that's not it.
Charlie, look.
I need to stop seeing you
because it's time for me to
start seeing other people.
Oh. Is it
something I said?
No, it's not you, Charlie
it's me.
You know, you saying that
- really does bring up
a lot of feelings for me.
Shit. I really
gotta take this.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
I'm gonna need
some more of this stuff.
I don't know where the
hell you got this shit,
but it's spectacular.
Throbbing, fetishistic climaxes
again and again and again.
There's no question
Franco made a great play.
Just catching the ball
at your feet is tough enough
let alone one
sailing end-over-end
then to dance down the sideline
even throw in a little
bit of stiff-arm?
Yeah. It was incredible.
But still...
It's not the same thing.
Now, baseball, on the other hand
now, that is a game of matchups.
That is a game of intent.
You can't get lucky
and hit a 98-mile-an-hour
You can't get lucky and
throw a sweeping curveball
nailing the outside
corner of the plate.
I mean, what's better
than two outs,
bottom of the ninth,
three-two count,
a runner on second
and down by a run?
The pitch Dennis Eckersley
intends to throw
and the swing kirk Gibson
intends to put on the ball...
One pitch, one swing... a world series
winner and a world series loser?
I mean, it's insane!
But listen to me, rambling on.
All talking...
Talking is exactly what we
don't need me to be doing,
- now do we?
You, my friend
need to be watching
further examples
of baseball's superiority to
every other sport in the world
while I...
I need to...
Well, you'll
figure out the rest.
That's some athleticism,
wouldn't you say, Kenny?
An all-star caliber move.
No question about it.
- So smooth. -Makes a
tough play look easy
time and time again.
What is that noise?
Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen
we are delighted to have
you aboard this 45-minute
non-stop flight to New
York's Laguardia airport.
Please ensure that your seatbacks
are in upright position
your tabletops are stowed
and that you have avoided
our thousand dollar
check-bag fee
by placing absolutely
everything you own
in the overhead bins above.
If you are seated
in the middle seat
this does entitle you
to the use of both armrests
regardless of whether the stupid
fucker sitting next to you
has any idea of airplane
etiquette whatsoever.
After takeoff, you will be
permitted to use the iPhone
but prior to that time even
the single use of an iPhone
will cause the plane to crash
resulting in your eternal damnation
- straight to hell.
- Welcome aboard.
Oh, sh...
Wow. May I be of some
assistance to you?
- Yeah, that'd be great. -I'll
tell you what I'm gonna do.
I am gonna give this to you...
Little "Presie"...
And I will take this
and you can pick it up at
gate check on your way out
- when we land in New York.
- No, it's a really small bag.
- Yes. -There has to be
some room on board for it.
Hmm. You poor,
poor dear.
I'll tell you what I'm
gonna do for you.
Come see me when you
are exiting the aircraft
and I will credit you with
quadruple miles for today's flight
that you will never
be able to redeem, hmm?
Buckle up.
- This is me.
You just got totally hosed.
- I know, right?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Half the bags on this flight are
bigger than that. -Seriously.
Thought it was bad getting the full
Monty going through X-ray search.
Oh, that's nothing. See
that old lady over there?
She practically begged for the thumb
treatment. She's such a terrorist.
- Look at her. Don't let that fool you.
- Such a terrorist.
- Online dating, huh?
- You saw that, did ya?
- I'm not judging.
- Wanna give me a hand?
- Mm-hmm. Yes, I do.
- Yeah?
Date or no date?
Well, how 'bout...
Oh! Sally!
- She's 28, enjoys
emasculation of men -Sally.
Throwing up after meals
and long walks on the beach.
- Date. Definitely.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. She had me at "emasculation." -Wow.
You're a natural.
- Okay, Gretchen. She's 30 -ooh.
She enjoys lying about
her age, being sensitive
smart and funny and only
posting one picture
- that was taken 12-15 years ago.
- Yeah. Without question
- she will look that good in person.
- Mm-hmm.
- Without question. Take her out tonight.
- Tonight?
Don't even wait a minute.
I already have plans tonight.
She's out on work release so...
- That'd be pretty hard to reschedule.
- That's too bad.
- She is really a keeper.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So, um...
You from the city?
- Yeah. Just coming back from
visiting my sister. -Mm.
- You?
- Yup. New York.
- Interview.
- Oh? Nice.
Yeah. I, uh, been thinkin'
about makin' a switch
to the non-profit
sector for a while.
- You know, actually do some good.
- Uh-huh.
- Wish I was doing that. -I
figure look for a new job now
or wait till I'm 60 and announce my
retirement in conference room "d"
having never surpassed
my greatest achievement
which is writing the jingle for the
stroller with the built-in ashtray.
- That jingle is catchy. -Oh, yeah.
It's catchy like the clap.
Wait. Oh!
Excuse me.
- No, no, no. -Could we get two
more aviations and soda...
- Please? -Hmm. Could
I just tell you
how happy I am for once to be
sitting next to the hot chick?
I never sit next to the
hot chick on the flight.
I mean, the elderly, constantly.
The extraordinarily sweaty,
the really hot guys
all the time,
but you... mm.
I win.
I won. I won.
So, forgive me,
but I need to take
this once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity and try to...
Convert this into, say, a date.
Outside of
the pressurized chamber
we sit in.
I'm Angela, by the way.
- Charlie.
- Hmm.
Really pleased
to meet you, Charlie.
You too.
I don't have the clap.
Now, I'm gonna
turn over the next card.
I want you to concentrate
and tell me what it is, okay?
And, remember,
there are no wrong answers here,
so, just tell me
what you think it is
as soon as I flip it over, okay?
That's a dead
Okay. You don't have
to answer right away.
Okay? You can take time to think
and be sure about what you see.
- You understand?
- Uh-huh.
All right, now, Tammy,
you just give it...
That's a dead puppy-doggy
that got cut open by a knife.
Okay. Oh.
Like we said, there are
no wrong answers here,
so, let's just try another one.
- That's mommy and daddy.
- Okay. Good.
Mommy and daddy.
That's great, Tammy.
- Mommy's cooking for daddy.
- All right!
See? That's a really
nice thing for mom...
Mommy's putting smashed-up
glass in daddy's soup
to make him cry.
For mommy to do.
Doctor Donovan, Charles
Carroll's on line two.
Dude, I am having the best day
- and I just had to share. -Great, man.
What's goin' on?
I am the proud owner of a brand-new
date next Tuesday night.
With a woman? How'd you pull
that at 11:30 in the morning?
- You been drinkin'? -It's never
too early for the nectar of love,
my friend.
And don't get all weird on me,
but this Angela chick,
she could be the one.
Oh, man! You don't
know this chick.
Oh, come on! I'm happy.
Leave me alone.
No, I'm just saying,
you know how you get. Gee, thanks, Oprah.
Can I come on your show?
- I'm having this problem with my best friend.
- First of all,
you ever watch Oprah? Maybe you should.
Oprah knows her shit.
Second, what do you
know about this chick
- that makes you think she could be the one?
- I know enough.
She a Yankee fan or Mets?
She like Belgian beer like you
or does she have
to keep things gluten-free?
Does she actually laugh
at "groundhog day"
or does she wonder why the fuck
- bill Murray keeps trying to kill himself?
- You don't make sense.
The most important
things to know,
they are not, but relevant
"the one" assessment material?
You might say.
I'm just sayin'
take in a little bit more data
before you fuckin' propose.
All right. She could turn
out to be a serial killer.
Trust me when I say this.
They come from places
you would never suspect.
I have no idea what that means.
Look, man.
That's cool about the date
that's cool about teeing
her up on a "c" night.
"C" night?
What are you talking about?
- We're going out Tuesday.
- Exactly. Tuesday night.
Nothin' too serious, just
wanna have a little fun.
Not wasting an "a" or "b" night.
Strong work.
She did suggest Tuesday.
I kinda went along with it.
- You still there?
- Yeah. Look,
I gotta get back to little
Jeffrey Dahmer here
but try to keep things
in perspective, okay?
Okay. Okay, fine.
Be gone with you.
Oh, and by the way...
She's the one.
Ah, well, she's not the one.
She's definitely not the one.
Angela's ancient history.
Do we gotta keep
talking about it?
Incessant whining is
driving me fucking crazy.
Angela aside,
what kind of therapist
drops someone
as fucked up as you?
Ah, well.
It's not all that bad.
He said we could
still be friends.
Take the cash you were giving
Dr. "don't call me,
I'll call you"
and put it towards full-body
massages twice a week.
Then you see how many
problems you still have.
Yeah, I don't really see how
that's gonna help me
find Mrs. right, but sure.
- Whoo!
- Dude, come on.
- You can't do that.
- What?
'Cause I'm not cute and
cuddly, me taking a leak
somehow defiles the
dog-piss-laced pavement
- we've been runnin' on
since 72nd street? -Yeah.
Come on, man. My prostate's the
size of a fuckin' honeydew.
- You see?
For cryin' out loud, lady,
you're carrying a bag of shit.
You need to quit your cryin'.
It's not like you
couldn't see this comin'.
- What?
- What? I...
- Don't...
- Come here.
- Okay.
- Huh?
All right.
- Pearl harbor...
Is that why we are fighting?
Or is it because of...
Oh, my god.
Hey there, fly girl.
I got your text.
- Charlie!
Oh, my god!
You have to do a shot.
These Irish car bombs,
they're so good.
Actually, you know what?
- I'm good.
- Shots! Shots all around!
Yeah, maybe just one more 'cause
Anne and I were gonna go.
You know what
I mean? Sex.
- Right.
- Oh!
- Oh, my god.
- Whoa!
Angela has arrived!
- Come on.
That's okay.
- Help me up.
You all right? Maybe we
should get her to bed.
Oh, shit!
You guys are a bunch
of fuckin' amateurs.
Whoo! That was fun!
Okay. Here we go.
Let me just...
Okay, you wanna split?
Whoever he is, seems to
be able to handle it.
- I bet. -To the extent that
either of you are worried,
- I'll be leaving momentarily.
- No, Charlie!
See? She's fine.
So let's... Go dress
up like robots
and sniff each other's panties.
Warning. Warning.
Remember that?
You're not gonna let her sleep
in all those clothes, are ya?
We can go now!
- Yeah?
- I think he's gay.
Hey! Don't do anything
I wouldn't do.
Your phone is right
by your bed here.
I pre-dialed 9-1-1,
so, if you get
into any trouble during the
night all you have to do
- is push the green button.
- Oh.
- Okay?
- Okay.
As long as you can
make it through the night
without the use of
paramedic care, which...
If practice makes perfect, I don't
think you'll have a problem with.
A glass of water and some stuff for
your head right next to your phone.
- Hmm.
- Beyond that...
- I gotta go.
- Shit.
I'm sorry.
I really like you.
I do.
You're a good guy.
Oh, god.
I'm a mess right now.
Look at me.
You probably hate me.
- I don't hate you.
- I would hate me.
Oh, fuck.
Please, just promise me
that you'll go out
with me again.
Please? No drinking. We'll go see a movie.
It'll be so fun.
What about Friday?
Are you free?
I was thinking Monday.
Just kidding.
Whenever you want.
It'll be so fun.
Huh? Yeah?
You are somethin' else,
you know that?
I know.
So, why not go out with me?
What's the worst
that can happen?
When Brice asked me
to be his best man,
a lot of memories
flashed through my mind.
In fact, I can vividly
remember the first time
I ever saw Rebecca
and Brice together, huh?
It was red lobster,
Brice's 29th birthday.
Fuckin' all you can eat
popcorn shrimp
I knew at that very moment
I could see it in her eyes.
Brice should absolutely
under no circumstances
marry this woman!
But, of course,
I said nothing and, now
2 1/2 years later, here we are.
To the happy
- My man.
Thank you, Vince!
Thanks to all of you
for being here to help celebrate
this truly special day.
- It really does mean the world. -You
guys know Brice is an asshole, right?
You may have noticed that my wife
Rebecca won't be joining us tonight.
Yeah, but, at least
he's our asshole.
That's because I have divorced that
cheating bitch effective today!
She does send her regards
from the throes of hell.
Plus some of the shit this asshole
spews... it's fun to watch.
It's official,
so let me go ahead
and set a couple things
First, yes...
These are real.
And, second, yes...
Sexy ladies of New York City...
All of you...
Not you! That's fucked up.
She's my cousin.
- She's my cousin.
- Fucking with you.
But sexy ladies
of New York City,
I am totally fucking available
to crush ass and/or pussy
any time you want!
Take these motherfuckin'
divorce papers!
I'll take these divorce papers
from the bottom of my dick!
- Take it from my dick!
- Mmm. Oh...
- All right.
That hurts good.
All right.
I'm gonna go.
- Oh!
- Seriously, though
- I kind of...
- Okay, okay, okay.
I don't know what it is...
I just kind of don't even know
where to start with all this.
- That's the thing. -I
bet you don't, Charlie.
All right?
That's natural.
I didn't know how good I had
it single until I got married.
- Never do that again. No
offense, buddy. -Right.
- Kathy's a... -no, no, listen.
I understand
that sounds good,
but I think it...
I think it's too good
to be true. Am I right?
I have way more sex single
than I ever had married.
- Come... really? -Yes and what's better
than a fuckin' one-night stand?
There's no commitment.
There's no annoying
neediness or feelings.
And when she spreads her
legs free of obligation
of commitment, of the need to
give her half of what you own...
You can't have half of this,
not without
one of these, my friends.
That free-market
pussy is gold!
- Gold, huh? -A coveted
commodity that appreciates
in a down economy? You
bet it's fuckin' gold.
And you need to hoard as
much of that gold as you can
while the single man's liquidity
proposition still exists...
- Jesus Christ.
- My friend.
Forget about Angela.
You realize the next time
you're in a relationship, ain't no
more upticks in the old portfolio,
and cheap it is not.
Tradin' out of the position... boom!
Crush ass.
I understand that your business
school outlook on getting pussy
might be a bit unique
but, I don't know,
I'm just fucked, man
- after Angela.
- You're not fucked!
I'm fucked. I don't think I
can crush anything right now.
- I don't even know where to start.
- Charlie.
It's like candy from a baby.
It goes like this...
First, you gotta
identify the target.
No, not her.
No! Not even close.
Boom! Her. The one
not over at the bar.
Instead, attacking that BlackBerry
with the same intense precision
that'll come in handy for you
in just a few short hours.
There'll be some competition for
her, but nothing you can't handle.
This chick is annoyed
that Vanessa
from up on the bar
is getting the attention.
So you give it to her...
All the attention she needs.
- Okay, I'm buyin'. Now what?
- Next, make sure she knows
that you're a nice guy, okay?
And this is important,
so pay attention.
You're a nice guy who she
will never see again.
That she'll never see again?
I don't get it.
Think back to college...
Spring break, specifically.
Nice girls let their sexual cats out
of the bag all spring break long
on south padre island because
they know when they get home,
it'll be right back to prim and
proper, smart and respectable
without anyone around
to say otherwise.
- This is N.Y.C., not spring
break, right? -Exactly!
Which is why you're flying back to L.A.
in the morning
or you're fucking moving to
Nepal on Tuesday... whatever.
Whatever words go from
your lips to her ears
letting her know that she
will never see you again.
And, then,
just like spring break,
the farther away she thinks
you'll be next week,
the more likely she is to do something
erotic in the sack tonight.
Okay, okay. Listen. It's kind
of unfair to know this stuff,
but what's next?
So then you establish
touch and get her comfortable
not just with the look of you,
but with the feel of you.
Stand close to her.
Let her start to like it.
And, remember,
part of the beauty of this chick
is that she's not out with some
cock-blocking protector friend
who couldn't get herself laid
and now needs to pull
a guilt-trip on your girl.
'Cause she's normally
the protector friend.
Boom! Now you're with me.
And, then, fellows,
close the deal.
No hesitation.
Don't ask permission
just go over to the bartender,
cash out your bill.
Tell her it's time to get her
out of all these wet things.
Wait for those easy
b.F.F.S of hers
to pull their Irish good-byes,
and go in for the kill.
Under no circumstances
should you ever, never, ever
let her think.
- You might actually
be the devil.
Or kind of brilliant in a... if
in a Machiavellian sort of way,
but, thank you.
Thank you guys for sharing.
It's like Oprah says,
"for every one of us
that succeeds, it's
because there's somebody
there to show you the way out.
The path to knowledge is
never without a price.
- Look, you know I would love to be
there, but i... -don't wanna come.
- Got it. -No, no. I wanna come.
I cannot come.
Angela's parents
hate me as it is.
If I blow off another dinner,
it'll be world war III.
- You're being stupid. You love my
debate parties. -Yeah, I thought
you missing a presidential
debate was like
- a Brangelina baby not
being adorable. -Hmm.
Seriously, you know Vince and
I've been planning for weeks.
- I know. -Oh, hey. Check it out.
It's her.
God, I barely recognize her.
- Why isn't she wearing glasses?
- She got Lasik, okay?
I don't see what's so hot
about her in the first place.
- Yeah, I gotta go "work
hot" on this one. -Guys
guys, she's, like,
I admit, I kind of
wanna touch her hair
but she's no Elisa
from tech support.
That's true.
I'd do her in a second.
- I'd do her in a second. -Everyone
would do Elisa in tech support.
- In fact, I think most have.
So what? -Are you okay?
Charlie, is this
a "sexy librarian" thing?
'Cause even putting club clothes
on a woman with that little makeup
is not gonna get hot
out of "work hot."
I don't know how many
times I have to say this,
club clothes, unattractive.
I mean, she's
jeans and t-shirt.
She doesn't need makeup. She's
just as hot out of work,
as she is in it.
Maybe hotter.
- Oh, she's really nice.
- She does seem nice.
I bet she'd let her boyfriend
come to my debate party.
Oh, my god. I don't know what
Vince has been telling you
while Angela and I
might be in a rut right now
I don't need it
from the peanut gallery.
- Okay.
- Oh. What about her?
- Okay, so then she's fired.
- Oh, totally.
She's gone.
Who's next?
Okay, only, uh...
17 more to go.
- Andrew Feldman.
- Who?
Is that that douchey old guy who
sits next to the copy room?
No, you're thinkin' of Juliana.
Andrew's the vomiter
from last year's white
castle eating contest.
Right! Yes! Double-stacker.
Cool guy.
All righty.
Is white castle guy
the next one to get laid off?
My sources say...
Oh, man!
That dog!
Oh, no!
I totally could've made that
kid cry at his exit interview.
- All right. Next.
- Oh! Speak of the devil.
Miss Juliana McCarthy!
Come on down!
Is douchey old guy
gettin' the boot?
It is...
Decidedly so!
Hey, guys, um...
In regards to Juliana,
I realize from
an efficiency perspective
the eight-ball
may be faster,
but she's good with clients.
- And she's got kids. -You wanna
do two-outta-three or something?
- Look...
- Charlie.
Chu... Charlie. Um...
If it's not one douchey old guy with
kids it's gonna be another one,
and if we don't fire her today,
in this economy,
we're gonna do it
tomorrow or next week.
I mean, it's not personal.
It's just business.
Even so, it feels like
we're screwing people
- without considering the facts.
- Come on, guy.
There's a lot of money to
be made in screwing people
without considering facts.
Have you never made
a health insurance claim?
Look, it's supply and demand.
Right now, there is an
over-supply in the system
that needs to get flushed out.
But, hey, if you
really want to save
this sorry-sack's job, you can
just offer up your own, my man.
No reason why the name on top of
that severance package can't change
- just like that.
- You're serious?
Thank you so much
for your question.
Just a great, great question,
and I understand
your frustration.
You see, my friends, it's this
kind of political cow-towing
to the special interests
that causes good people
like my dear friend,
Linda Lafferty,
a political pawn
from hocking, Ohio
to hate big-spending
earmarks with all her heart.
Especially those,
I might add, put forth
by non-natural-born
American citizens.
Absolute bollocks!
That accusation's
preposterous, governor.
And I, for one,
can't stand for it.
- Yeah, no shit. -Oh.
You're at the bar.
- Yeah. I needed a drink.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
Oh. Lip gloss.
Your folks hit traffic?
May I remind you, we're operating
under rules you signed off on.
- I afraid... -i can't
help but point out
that I am the only
one in this room
- wearing a flag pin. -Come on, guys.
Enough already.
With my alotted ten minutes,
so if you'll just
give me that, gentlemen...
Charles? Charles?
Your shirt.
- Chuck!
- Jesus. Angela.
- It's been kind of a tough day.
- Yeah?
So long a day that you
forgot to wear the shirt
we talked about this morning
that my mom gave you
- for your birthday?
- Oh, shit.
- Yeah. "Shit."
- I...
- Two, three, four.
- Doom and gloom...
Gentlemen, please!
Another vodka tonic, sir?
Uh, he will have a vodka soda
and I will have a Martini dry.
My opponent has
spent two hours...
Angela, is this
really necessary?
- I don't wanna fight with you.
- I don't wanna fight neither.
- Bring it down. -It probably
hasn't been the best day
to have your parents talk at me.
Hang in there tonight, okay?
- Great friend. Great patriot.
- And if you can do me a favor
please don't get them
started on politics.
You, sir, are a douchebag.
I'm sorry,
that is not happening.
Such a shame, really.
You limousine liberals
with all your regulations.
Oh, dad! You know
it's not like that.
Oh, please, honey.
It is just like that.
First off, I have to hire
all of these unqualified
affirmative action workers
and, now, all of a sudden
I got the gay patrol
up my ass with their rainbows
telling me about
getting married.
What's that gonna cost my
insurance rates, these days?
We're already paying for
maternity leave, aren't I?
- Well, never mind the immigrants.
- Yeah.
Do you know, just the other
day, Margot Pendergast
told me that her nanny,
Consuela... or was it Alejandra?
I don't know. One of those
Mexican names you cannot spell.
Anyway, she actually asked for
mother's day as a vacation day.
Can you imagine, mother's day?
Sweetheart, this is
what I'm talking about.
They come to this country
and they want it all.
They want the American dream.
Why here do they want the
American dream is my question?
What are you supposed
to do on mother's day
- two toddlers and no nanny?
- -Incroyable!
Arriba, arriba!
Everybody's against
us rich folks, nowadays.
People like you, Charles.
People with petty,
little equal rights problems.
- she's fired. -What
the fuck is that noise?
I remind you that we are operating
under rules that you signed off on.
- Gentlemen, please. -Can I
ask you again, Charles...
Is this a sexy librarian thing?
Another vodka tonic, sir?
My sources say, no.
- Do they ever!
- Ever!
Yeah, there's a lot of money
to made in screwing people.
Resulting in your eternal
damnation straight to hell.
Decidedly so!
- You need to quit your bitching.
It's not like...
Two daughters and no nanny.
The names on that severance package
can be changed just like that.
I quit my job today.
- You did what?
- Well, not really quit.
They offered me
a layoff and I took it.
- Seriously. -Is this
some sort of joke?
- No.
- Well, Charles, um...
Why on earth would you
do such a foolish thing?
Oh, see. I don't think
it's that foolish.
- Okay.
- I just thought,
"isn't it better
to stop lying to myself?"
Mm. Like this
tastes like shit.
Uh, ooh, could we please
get a bottle of vodka
and a bottle of tonic?
- I'm just kidding.
I mean, this guy.
You know, it's kind of like
what Oprah says about luck,
- isn't it? -I gotta
say you're really not
- making a whole lot of sense.
- What is he talking about?
No, it's perfect. It's when
preparation meets opportunity.
- Right, honey?
- What the fuck?
You know, honey,
I always knew there was
something wrong with this guy.
- Whoa. Whoa. Wrong with me?
- "Whoa. Whoa."
- There's nothing wrong with me.
- Oh.
Maybe there is
something wrong with me.
I have a pretty good
idea, Ron. Do you?
Charles, stop.
Sweetie, I think your
parents are more than happy
to sit here and smile
while I talk at them.
Right back at ya, pal.
I'm sorry...
"converse with them."
- Hmm. -We could all
converse, right?
About how Margot's nanny
wants to spend mother's day
with her own kids.
You remember the nanny, right?
She's the immigrant
who pays taxes, takes a job that
Margot clearly doesn't want...
Namely, raising Margot's kids...
Jesus Christ.
The balls on this guy.
- Yeah. -Pal, let me
tell ya something.
You got a lot of nerve
talking like that
- when you're a guest at my table.
- I'm sorry.
- Your table?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Charles, are you gonna pay
- for a change?
Really, Ron?
You'd allow me to do that?
'Cause as of right
now we're currently under
the "you-pay" status quo
which is a...
Truly great arrangement,
by the way.
You pay and I get to sit here
and listen to you talk about
how gay people shouldn't have
the right to get married.
It's truly enlightening.
Why stop there? I bet we
could get all the queers
to sit at the back of the bus.
Drink at their own
water fountain.
Or, hell, I bet that we
could get them to speak in
their own governmentally
mandated dialect.
- Well, okay, Charlie.
- I sure enough hopes
one day I's gonna gets me
to be a house homosexual
'cause bein' a field
homosexual just ain't no fun.
- Charles!
Mom, dad, I'm so sorry.
I don't know
what's gotten into him.
My parents brought us
to this lovely dinner.
This is not the kind of
treatment that anyone deserves.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
No one deserves
to be treated this way.
That's why you folks will never
have to deal with it again.
- There you go, Ron.
Thank you, sweetheart...
For everything.
You know,
for a while there, we...
We really were somethin'.
Oh, my god. Are you getting back out there?
Are you dating?
I haven't really
put myself out there.
I did do this speed-dating
thing last week.
Speed dating? Are people
still speed dating?
- People are still speed dating?
- Was it fun?
Yeah, well,
you get about a minute
before you move on to the
next person, so I thought
just put yourself out there,
just go for it.
- That makes sense.
- Which was all fine
until the first woman
that I talked to
woman number...
Woman number 24.
- She was hard of hearing.
- Lucky number twenty...
As in disability
hard of hearing?
Oh, you betcha.
And when my...
My whole opening line was about
how I was excited to be there
'cause I was finally having a
chance to get away from my wife...
- Yeah, funny.
- Which is funny, right?
- Yes, yes. -She just meets me
with a completely deadpan "what?"
"What" because she can't hear me
not "what" because
she's pissed at me.
At this point she said nothing
about being hearing impaired.
So, I just thought
she was annoyed and...
- Oh!
- Anyway.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't laugh.
- That's fine. -That's
not... oh, god.
She's still friended me
on Facebook, so...
Oh, well, good.
At least there's that.
- You know how to get in
touch with her? -Yes.
God, Charlie. I know
that it sucks out there.
It does, but I know that
she's out there for you
- and I don't want you to miss her.
- Did I mention my cataracts?
- They're just, like, full...
- Hey, babe! Over here.
- Oh, hey, babe! -Oh.
What's her name again?
- I have no idea.
- We're all at the zoo
because of your
fiance's patient
- and you don't remember her name?
- It's a kid. Who cares?
- Stupid kid name. -I'm sure her
parents forget all the time.
If I remember your kid's
name is Jonathan,
all that means is before
I threw away that stupid
lame ass birth
announcement you sent me
I typed the words "Jonathan"
into the address book
of my Phonebook,
and I reviewed those notes
before I may go out for dinner.
Which, likely, is probably
only the second dinner
we've had in three years
due to the fact
that you gave birth
to little Jonathan
in the first place
and forgotten all about
me and our friendship
yet, I'm the asshole
because I can't remember
the name of the person
who stole my friend
and who doesn't bother to put
down the toy that I gave him
to come over and say hi to me
when I come over to visit.
I don't think so.
Have you ever
considered therapy?
- Me!
- Love you.
- Angry! Angry!
- Okay!
All right there,
you beautiful young one.
- Oh, my god. Is this it?
- You know it, baby girl.
- Holy shit, it's the banker habitat.
- It's amazing!
I could've sworn,
aren't bankers endangered?
It's really fascinating,
Apparently, it took years
to catch the first few,
but once they figured out how to
get them to mate in captivity,
- now all the zoos are starting to feature 'em.
- They're kinda scary.
- Ferocious. -Wanna know
the most incredible part?
After zookeepers tried
everything... piles of cash
for them to play in,
bowls of coke...
Everything... they're
totally immune to porn.
Turns out all they had to
do was call the females
"interns" and little banker
babies started shooting out
of those habitat board rooms
faster than Lehman brothers
became synonymous with welfare.
Man, that's so crazy. Feels kinda
cool to be this close to 'em.
It's really cool, but it's
good we're not any closer.
Word is, they like
to throw their own shit.
Poop. Throw
their own poop.
Ladies and gentlemen,
as I have said
many times before,
and as I now will say again,
your unemployment forms
will not be deemed complete
by answering the questions with
"please see rsum attached."
Do not ignore this warning if
you want anyone in this room
to ever leave it.
Yo, man.
Come on.
Oh, geez.
- Need one of these. -More
than I ever thought possible.
- Well, then you're in luck.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Tough crowd.
You'd think you'd
at least get sympathy
for being unemployed.
I guess there's really no such
thing as a free lunch, huh?
You're not kidding. You should see
how much I charge for this pen.
- How much?
- 50 bucks a day.
- Wow. Steep. -Yeah. Little
steep for people unemployed.
I think so.
Attention, attention!
Having watched the required
"jobs: Yes!" Slideshow
and having filled in
your benefit forms,
you're nearly finished with
today's mandatory session.
The first three hours
were so much fun.
- They were, weren't they?
- Yeah.
We have randomly selected
from the collect forms
the names of ten people
who are to participate
with one of our
employment specialists
in an additional
45-minute session.
Who knows? Maybe you'll
even find that job
- Any questions?
- Yeah.
What bribe gets you
to not call my name?
Okay, if you are
not one of the ten names called,
- you will be free to go.
- "The almighty tells me
he can get me out of this mess,
but he's pretty sure
you're fucked."
- Mr. Edward hart.
- Fuck!
I want you to know,
whatever happens
we'll always have Paris.
- Miss Barbara Robbins.
- "Casablanca." Nice.
- Mr. Charles Carroll.
Hey! How ya doin'?
Mmm. No.
Too work-like.
You look like a friend of mine.
Thanks, that's new.
You look really nice tonight.
You look really nice too.
You look really familiar.
I know.
Can I buy you a drink?
Oh, hey.
How you doing?
How you doing?
This is my first time here too.
Hey there.
How you doin'?
I'm pretty good.
How are you?
- I love this place.
- I'm sorry,
what's your name again?
- That's funny, I never touch the stuff.
- I don't eat meat.
- I don't eat meat.
- Definitely don't eat meat.
- I don't drink.
- I'm a street performer.
- A lawyer.
- Into safety words.
- Kafka.
- Condiments.
Not all drugs, just some drugs.
- I mean, I get it.
- That and cocaine.
- You must be Indian.
- Penis and all that.
- I don't really wanna talk to people.
- Did is say that out loud?
I voted for bush...
- What do you mean...
- You don't...
have a job?
God, you sound
just like my boyfriend.
Leone, party of four!
I'm convinced every sane
woman in this city is taken.
- So fuckin' dramatic.
- I'm tellin' ya
- these women are psycho.
- -Oh, my god.
They can't all be that bad.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm the only person in the
world who hates small talk.
Dude, everyone hates small talk.
- So what? -Really? Why
do I feel like my head
is gonna explode in a hurricane
of generic questions?
- Where are you from?
- Where do you work?
- Where did you go to school?
- You know,
the "am I better
than you" questions.
Asking those is how you know
you're a new yorker.
How much do you pay
for your apartment?
- How many square feet?
- What was your broker's fee?
I think this place
is owned by the same guy
that owns Balthazar.
- You ever take a date there?
- It's not that bad.
I'm sorry. What?
- I think it is that bad.
- Oh, shit.
Oh, yeah.
Incomplete parties
will not be seated.
Okay, Charlie.
You know what?
I'm your friend.
I love you.
We all love you
but you know
what your problem is?
- You.
- Excuse me?
Excuse you. Look, you're
certainly not the first guy
to think he's some big deal for
getting a lot of dates in this town.
That doesn't mean you have
any idea what you're doing
when you're out with these women.
Thank you.
Any guy with an American express
card and a pulse can get a date.
There's like half a million
more single women than men.
It's just that when
you're out on these dates
it takes two to tango.
That's all I'm saying.
- I am starving. Should I check
with the hostess... -just face it.
We're never getting in.
And here's a new
thought for you, I...
- Am not the problem. -I
don't even know why I try.
Way to be introspective.
- Way to be open-minded.
- I don't even know why
- I'd expect anything else.
- Yeah, you're completely wrong.
- I cannot even believe
you think that.
You know what?
I'm gonna go talk
to the hostess.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Beyond that though, you've
got an even bigger bugaboo
- since you're also
not having sex.
- You're the one who said he hates small-talk.
- He's got a point.
If you're not having sex,
you don't have
the proper confidence.
Without that, you're sunk.
Oh, so I should just
have sex then.
- Yes. -Without question.
Easy as pie
- as soon as you do one simple thing.
- What's that?
- Lower your standards.
- Unbelievable.
Don't look at me like that.
It's downright
insulting to women
if you don't try to have
sex with them.
She may say no, but at least
she gets the pleasure
of having to have
to give you the old Heisman.
- Oh, my god.
- Look no one knows why this is.
Men are fucking disgusting.
How a woman
could even be with a man
- is a miracle to us all.
- Hetero guys for sure,
but let's face it, all guys
lose their sense
of mojo without copulation.
- Stupid, but true. -Bingo! And
this is not rocket science.
This is man-woman, part-part,
You don't think
she's very smart?
Fine, but she's attractive?
Have sex with her.
You don't like her politics,
her taste in shoes,
her pronunciation of her name,
her inability to read,
speak in complete,
fully-formed sentences,
load dishwasher,
pass fuckin' gas... but you
think she's kinda nice,
have sex with her.
Have sex with her and a few
other chicks like her.
Then walk into
a date with a woman
you actually do like
carrying a brand-new mojo.
The confident, "I have sex
all the time, mother fucker,
so get up on this dick" mojo,
then have sex with that chick...
hell, maybe even marry her.
I don't know.
What I do know.
We will all be a lot happier
waiting in this line next week
talking about something other than
your fucking lacking-sex-life.
I know this is hard to hear.
I get it.
But that's why I'm tellin' you.
We love you.
All right? We love you, Charlie.
So just listen up.
Hey, so we're not having brunch
but listen to
the advice from this guy.
- Hmm. -You give the
best advice ever.
Look, Charlie,
just be nice to these women.
Okay? Embrace them
for who they are.
Right. Straight
outta sing sing.
- Oh!
- Ha! Found it!
- Oh. -What's vodka
without limes, right?
Vodka tonics
and I are like...
Oh, I only had soda.
I hope that's okay.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's just fine.
Soda's just fine.
Your apartment's nice.
- Thanks.
- Yeah. Sure.
Um, I bet you get really
nice light in here.
- Hmm. -And you had a
low broker's fee.
Um, Charlie...
Are you okay?
Fine. Fine.
You are just fine.
You are just motherfucking fine.
Don't be conflicted.
Don't be weird.
You go in there, you drink
your vodka-goddamn-soda,
you take that woman's
clothes off,
and you get your mojo back.
Oh, hey.
Mary, it's kind of dark.
I can't really see you.
Don't worry, tiger.
I've got you covered.
Like that.
- Oh.
More personal than
intercourse, my ass!
What makes you so entitled to
make that request, anyway?
Yeah. Excuse me,
but I am not aroused
by triggering my gag reflex.
- No woman is a fucking sex slave.
- No more crap about semen
- being good for your hair
or your skin, either. -No.
It's not good for anything except
for when it comes out your dick,
- it's good for you. -Can you
believe the son-of-a-bitch
- ate asparagus last night?
- Oh, my god!
- Asparagus.
- You sick fuck!
What is pineapple juice
beneath you?
I'm sorry, but I like it.
It's delicious and refreshing.
It doesn't make
my pussy taste bitter.
- Maybe you enjoy demeaning women.
- I wax my fucking pussy
and you can't wax
your fucking dick!
No, you can't wax your dick.
- You enjoy demeaning women? -Fucking
blowjobs and television sports!
- You motherfucker! TV is all you care about.
- That's all you care about.
Nobody cares about
your fucking fantasy teams.
- Turn it off and take out the trash!
- Turn it off.
- Oh, Christ.
Do you know how many
- I have this week alone?
- No, I don't. I don't.
Corinne Makinen, do not answer.
Julia Cunningham, do not answer.
"Blind date girl,"
"hot coffee chick"
Internet dates 13-37... wanna know
what comes up when they call?
- "Do not answer," betting.
- "Do not answer." Yeah.
About the only phone call I can
take these days is from my mom.
All she ever want to know is
when am I gonna get another job?
Shit, man.
Even when you call
all I can ever think about is the
happiness that you've found with Kathy.
- Thanks, man. -And about
how, one day, I'll die
having never found
that kind of love myself.
Okay, we're gonna
stop this conversation
but, I gotta say,
relationships are hard.
The one thing I'm not
gonna do is sit here
and listen to how easy
everybody else has it.
I've said this before,
but I'm gonna say it again.
You gotta quit tryin'
so god damn hard.
Treat women like basketball.
No more no-look passes
through traffic trying
to get the easy layup.
Let the game come to you.
Play good defense.
Limit your turnovers. Get the
open look of the broken play.
- Hit the shot. -I'm like a one-armed
wilt Chamberlain out there.
Okay. No. You may be right.
I'm no expert.
Instead of coming up with a solid
game plan aimed at victory
it's probably better
to complain instead.
I'm sorry, man.
I know you're right.
You know?
- I just...
- No, look. I get it.
I do. Look,
I feel for ya.
I'm really glad that we had
this little talk, but, uh...
If it's okay with you...
How 'bout I get married?
It sure has been a long time.
Thank you. I'm sure they'll
have many happy years together.
Now, you two,
don't be strangers.
You're not gonna get
away from us just yet.
Not without us first seeing that
young lady friend of yours.
Oh, yes! We haven't seen her tonight.
What was her name?
- Angela.
- Angela! That's right.
- Such nice hair and skin.
- And so sweet.
- Just go.
- Hey!
- Where can we find her?
- Okay. Okay. -I'm sorry.
Would you excuse me?
- Guys, no! -You know, you
have "resting bitch face"
- but I have something for you.
- You arrogant punk.
- I will throw you out on your ear!
- Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey. Fellas, fellas.
We are at a wedding.
A wedding of two people
we love very much.
Which is why we are
going to keep our heads.
Just for one day, hmm? We're
gonna have a very nice time.
We're gonna enjoy this wonderfully
generous open bar, okay?
I'm sorry, sir. Could you please give Mr.
Tucker another drink?
Here you go.
We're gonna apologize.
Now, that's what I'm
talkin' about right there.
That's a wonderfully hospitable gesture.
Wouldn't you say?
What is wrong with you, Brice?
You don't think he's adorable?
You're a member of the wedding
party, for Christ sake.
You can't avoid an all-out brawl
by, what, your third drink?
- Fucker sat in my chair.
- He sat in your chair?
He's the father
of the goddamn bride.
All right. Whatever.
He should know better.
Just for the record,
this is my fourth drink.
You could try to be, like,
this much less of an asshole.
- Oh, please. -You wanna
do this narcissistic shit
on your own time, be my guest.
But at least try not to do
it at your friend's wedding.
- Hmm? -You're one to talk.
You don't think
your self-involved
brooding over every chick
- you've ever dated since birth is getting old?
- You know what?
- Fuck you, dude.
- Oh, shit.
What's with the potty-mouth
all of a sudden?
I do have a potty-mouth and this
potty-mouth is sick of your shit.
My shit? 'Cause you
would never cause a scene
at a friend's wedding,
would you?
- You're a dick.
- Christ, dude.
Your ex didn't waste any time
getting her shit back together.
- What's your problem? -What
are you talking about?
Like you don't know
Angela got engaged.
The carrots are shit.
You're a nice guy, man.
Okay? A little boring,
but Vince likes you
so you can't be that bad, but...
You gotta get
your shit together.
Do us both a favor
suck on one of those for a little
while and just keep quiet.
We got a nice, long night ahead of us.
We're gonna calm down
shake it off, drink some drinks
smoke some stogies and crush
oh, yeah.
A little ass.
Hoo-ah! Good talk.
This is yours.
I'd like to propose a toast
to my best buddy, Charlie,
who, god help us all,
- is about to give
his best man speech.
To Charlie Carroll!
When I first met Charlie, I
thought he was a complete idiot.
Then he opened his mouth...
And proved me right.
Come on, Charlie.
Come on up here.
- Charlie!
Hold on, now, Charlie. Where's
that young lady friend of yours?
Yes, Angela.
Such a pretty girl.
Did I mention, my new fiance's
got a really big dick.
Quite a bit more sizeable
than yours, Charles.
I definitely love
middle-of-the-night sex with him.
Little guy.
You sick...
- You shouldn't be giving a speech.
- Oh, god.
That'd be the perfect way to hear about
every chick you've dated since birth.
Probably better
to complain instead.
- Where do you work?
- Any man with a pulse
- and an American express can get a date.
- Where Di you go to school?
- Yeah, I don't eat meat.
- Where did you go to school?
Because something's
wrong with him.
- Anybody can see that.
- Way to be introspective.
Right, 'cause you would never cause
a scene at a friend's wedding?
You know what your problem
is Charlie? You.
- To Kathy and Vince.
Hey, that was a really
amazing speech you gave.
Thank you very much.
I wish I could remember it.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I've never seen an entire
crowd in tears like that.
And the way you delivered it
like, almost catatonic at times.
It was... it was moving,
to say the least.
Well, here's to what alcoholics
refer to as a "moment of clarity."
You don't, uh...
Recognize me, do you?
It's okay.
It'll come to you.
"Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow
- but soon and for the rest
of your life." -Holy shit.
- Oh, my god. -Thought bogie'd
shake it out of you.
- Yeah, it's okay. Lorelei, by the way.
- Charlie.
I... I didn't ask
for you number that day.
I've been regretting
it ever since.
I did not see that coming.
I swear to god.
True story.
You... you were
so charming.
- Infinitely better
than yes!" Video. -Oh.
- That was a good one.
- So, please, um...
Accept my apology
for my non-attempt
it was... clearly
uncalled for.
Well, now that I've heard
the part of your speech
where vegetarianism
abandoned you.
Holy cow, by the way.
You know, maybe
I can let this one slide.
Well, I won't make that
mistake twice, so, you know.
- Beware.
- Well.
Although, I must say
that you're lucky
'cause a girl, not quite
as confident as me, might
worry or wonder why a guy or
gentleman, such as yourself
didn't ask for her number.
She could wonder
for a whole ten minutes.
- Could leave a scar.
- Oh, scars.
Well, that is something
that I know a lot about.
But, to be honest,
there's nothing to wonder.
You, i...
God, I was thrilled with.
Me, on the other hand,
then, not so much.
- Mr. damaged goods.
- Oh!
I should put that
on my driver's license.
- Definitely should. The rebound.
- Yeah.
Of course, compounded
by the job situation.
I'm still unemployed,
by the way,
but I'm sure you can understand.
No, actually,
I got a job a few months ago.
- But you get it.
So, um...
I was getting out of this
relationship with this girl Angela,
and, I don't know,
the thing about Angela...
The thing about her is...
She's in the past.
And I live here in reality.
It's great to see you,
by the way.
It's great to see you too.
I love this song.
No, seriously,
do you remember this song?
- Yeah, how could I forget it?
- Back in the day.
- I adore this song.
- That's good.
- I used to roller skate to this song.
- Shut up.
- Yeah. Totally did. -I used
to roller skate to this song.
- Okay. -I swear. Yeah.
"Backward skate.
Backward skate only please.
Backward skate.
Oh. Yeah.
I remember that.
But, you know, I can
probably do you one better.
"Couples skate only, please.
Couples skate only.
All other skaters
please clear the floor."
Now, I know what
you're thinking.
But the point here isn't Lorelei
turning out to be the one.
No, for me, that weekend
it was good enough
to see some old friends
united with their "ones."
A nice reminder to help
get me on my way.
Interestingly, however
even though it took
some time off relaxing,
attaining the finer
appreciation for introspection
finding a therapist willing to
discard Ibizan philosophies
in exchange for more helpful,
Swedish techniques...
And, of course, getting a
well-earned case of the clap.
I finally got my act together,
created a bit of my own luck
and faced life,
at long last, happier.
- To me, really,
that's the crazy part.
Rather than putting on a show to
create psychological band-aids,
going out of our way
to hide our feelings,
perhaps we can start
by taking comfort
in the experiences themselves...
Both good and bad.
The ones that come
with loving another person...
And being lucky enough
to be loved in return.
Life's valleys...
And, especially, life's peaks.
Feeling them at their fullest
and reminding us
why it's so great
simply being alive
in the first place.
Living live filled with
love... real love...
That we get to feel.
Honoring the rare treasures
of those relationships
by simply sitting back...
Being thankful for our lives...
And enjoying the ride.
At least, I think
that's what Oprah says.
Hey, give me a hand,
buddy. Okay, come on.
All right.
Good-bye, Charles.
See ya.
Let's see what he left me.
That'll cover the drinks.
You know, uh, in America,
we're gentlemen.
Gentlemen give each other
time to speak.
So, if you'd...
Just let me finish.
Leone, party of four.
Leone? Party of four.
Leon? Leone?
Leone, party of four.
Yeah, it's catchy
like the clap, all right.
- I have the clap.
It's like maybe inviting
another girl into the bedroom.
Maybe you could watch us?
- Astronomical.
- Wow.
Yeah. Businesswoman.
Can somebody get me a job?
- Earth to dipshit. Turn the TV off!
- Turn it off!
- Turn it the fuck off!
- Turn that fucking TV off!
- Turn it off.
- Turn it off.
Off. Off.
That's because something's
wrong with him.
Anybody can see that.
It's because
something's wrong with him.
Anybody could see that.
Excuse me.
It's because something's
wrong with him.
Anybody can see that.
- Anything else?
Right, because on this
dark street
these two huge thugs
with machetes...
- And nunchucks.
- And really bad skin.
Sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Holy shit. Seriously?
- Yeah, I know.
The compromises,
the... what the fuck?
- "The relationship compromises.
" -Compromises.
- Aw, fuck me!
Fuck me hard!
- Fuck me so fuckin' hard.
Resulting in your
eternal damnation
straight to hell.
Oh, stop it.
Hey, what?
It was vodka
without limes, right?
- Yeah.
- Hope you're thirsty.
- And... go.
- Oh, no, let go!
Which meant he knew how to
maximize our animalistic impulses,
optimally heightening
our sexual stimuli.
Five orgasms.
Cinco orgasmos.
You look like you've
done a lot of drugs.
- We've got...
- America. Okay?
America, not Britain.
I'm wearing
the fucking flag pin.
Come on. Look,
she's fine.
I'll let you do that thing
to me that you really like.
I have, like,
a whole lotta lube.
Fuck this!
Don't pay me enough.
- So, here we go.
- -My god.
This is how I do Voiceovers
in my house.
Five, six, seven, eight...
So keep on rollin'
in the smokin' stroller.
Available at fine
stores near you.
- What are you doing?
- I don't know.
Let's just keep doin' it.
- That was so awesome!
- -Okay.
- We're in the pocket.
- -That was the best one.
That was best one.
Wanna do another one?
- That's a jingle, man.
- That was a good one.
- Damn!
- -Did we get it?
"67 donkeys," take 5
- how many donkeys?
- -67.
So, like, here?
Little higher.