Better Than Chocolate (1999) Movie Script

"I would really...
love to see you naked, baby... "
"I would love to...
see you tremble with delight... "
"I would love to...
come inside your window, baby... "
"Come on, baby...
Oooh-ah, sexy. "
"I could take you
on a very sexy ride...
Sexy. "
"Girl, I want it, all day everyday
so you give me...
Your touch. "
"It's such a rush, boy,
when it comes to makin' love...
Sexy. "
"Well, girl, you know you're so sexy. "
Man, you still got
those fuckin' allergies?
Fuck you, man.
Look at the little baby angel dyke.
Goin' home early?
- What is that?
- I don't want any trouble.
- Could I have an answer, please?
- Excuse me.
"I could rub you...
underneath the covers, baby. "
"Ooh, I'd love to...
Fuck this,
I'm outta here.
You okay?
yeah, I'm okay.
"Oooh, all night,
all night. "
Oh, yummy, give it up for Maggie,
from 10 Percent Books.
Making her lip-synching debut
here tonight at The Cat's Ass.
And remember, girls,
she is s-s-single.
- Ten Percent Books.
- Honey...?
- Ten Percent...
- Margaret?
You know,
I've just had this...
terrible letter
from the university.
It was addressed to you,
so I opened it...
and it's confirmation
of your withdrawal from school.
I mean...
I thought you wanted
to be a lawyer.
Mother: Darling, I've been
trying to track you down for days.
So, what's up?
I decided it was time
I learned about... life...
from... life...
I've got a really
wonderful apartment...
in a really interesting
part of town.
It's big, and it's cheap...
An apartment? Really?
And it's big?
Oh, well, the reason
that I called is because...
Michael and I
are getting a divorce.
Finally? I mean...
are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just, you know...
kind of at my rope's end about...
where we were gonna go, but...
I mean, if the apartment
is as big as you say, then...
Paul and I could come
and stay with you.
I know it's gonna be hard
'cause he's gonna have to transfer.
Paul: Transfer?
What do you mean?
- Is there a high school near you?
- I don't know.
Anyway, I have to
go to the bank...
and I'm gonna put the...
furniture in storage.
and then we'll...
be there on Friday.
Okay? Thank you, Margaret.
Thank you, sweetheart.
- Mom...?
- We'll see you soon, okay? Bye-bye.
She's coming here.
To live with me.
No, no she isn't.
This is my book store...
where I let you sleep on the sofa
until you find a place...
which will be very soon, because
your mother's not coming here.
Try the sublets.
And tell you mother you're queer,
before somebody else does.
Four weeks only,
then I'm back.
I'm gonna leave all my stuff.
You got a problem with that?
I'm sleeping on the couch
where I work, and...
it's a long story.
I don't wanna come back
to any surprises.
- Where are you going?
- I'm off Thursday...
on the "Love That Latex"
Safe Sex Tour?
I'm giving safe sex demonstrations
from Tuktoyactuk to Yellow Knife.
So, you wanna take it?
You've saved my life.
- What titles?
- I don't know.
They're holding my fucking books
at the fucking border again...
and they won't tell you
the fucking titles?
These people don't fuck,
that's the problem.
If any of those idiots
from Customs call...
I'll be on the phone
to the Civil Liberties Association.
This is going to ruin me.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Did you find a place?
- Yes.
- You did?
- Yes.
Customs held up another
order of books at the border.
They're claiming the books
are pornographic... hello?!
Which they aren't.
Well, maybe "Butches In Chains" is...
but so what?
You were great the other night
at the club.
Hey, Maggie, I didn't know
you were looking for a place to live.
You could stay with me.
I've got some new toys.
Five-speed vibrator, Magic Eggs...
Clit-titious Dancer...
No, but, thanks.
Ouch, it's the plight of the bisexual.
Gay girls won't play with you.
You're not bisexual, Carla,
you're onmi-sexual.
You're like that tornado
in the "Wizard of Oz"...
sweeping up
everything in your path.
- You need to let go more.
- Yep, that's me...
Letting it all hang in.
Oh, Carla...
my mother and brother
are coming to stay with me.
I don't want you
to frighten them, all right?
- Promise?
- Promise.
Hey, Maggie!
Hey, can you believe she's
never been in my coffee shop?
Tell her how great it is.
Come on, I just got here.
I haven't been anywhere.
Come on, tell her
how great it is... fuck.
It's great... fuck.
Can I take a peek?
No, no. Know what? Can you maybe
just add a bit more hair up top?
I mean, what is art
all about, right?
To quote Whistler, a successful picture
is the thrust, movement...
counter-movement, and final equilibrium
of forms and colors in pictorial space.
Which means...
more hair.
Yeah, just a little bit.
- There.
- Finished?
Minchia, Maggie...
is that a good-lookin' guy or what?
Know what
I'm gonna do with this?
I'm gonna hang it up
in my cafe.
I don't know, I'm thinkin',
maybe you come in...
I give you free cappuccinos...?
Yeah, sounds great.
It's still $20
for the picture, though.
Okay, free coffee
for a month.
Do I look like
I'm anywhere for a month?
With the coffee, my home-made grappa.
Real kick, hundred percent.
Hundred percent what?
Hundred percent kick.
Trust me.
See, ya, Maggie.
Bye, Tony.
Sit down.
I don't have 20 bucks.
Who does?
I'm Kim.
Wow, you have beautiful eyes.
Yeah, really.
great van you've got there.
Yeah, I'm livin' out of it.
I'm doin' that "on the road" thing.
I'm not in any rush.
You wanna go for coffee?
Okay, here we go.
Excuse me.
Try it.
Oh... my God.
That's not a kick,
that's a one-two punch.
That'll put hair on your chest.
You're good.
You can tell a lot about a person
from sketching them.
Problems with your mother,
issues about higher education.
That's uncanny.
I asked around.
And you...
have someone?
Oh, hey...
- It's my mother.
- Where?
No, not here...
My mother and brother
are coming for a visit on Friday.
Today is Thursday.
Hey, hey, Maggie...
what are you doing?
There's no kissing. No kissing here.
You wanna kiss, go someplace else.
Fuck, I got families comin' in here.
I saw you and that girl last week, Tony,
on the coffee bar.
Hey, I'm a man.
She was a woman. That's different.
What about hand holding?
Hand holding okay?
Ha-ha, that's funny.
Get out.
I am out.
Just go, okay?
I'd ask you to come home with me,
but I haven't got one yet.
Well, you know...
- There's always my place.
- Oooh... nice.
Oh, my God,
hang on!
A hundred and twenty-five bucks.
Maggie: You're gonna leave
it with all your stuff?
What choice do I have?
God, I've never been anywhere.
Northern Ontario was... boring.
Maggie: Straight from high school
to residence. My mom insisted.
Oh, but the prairies...
they're great.
But hot. Very, very hot.
I hit all the folk festivals;
did like ten portraits a day.
Paul, honey...
speed limit.
- Erotic paintings?
- Yeah, first I put paint on the person.
- On the person?
- Uh-huh.
Where are we goin' again?
Just a minute,
let me look.
'Cause I wrote it down...
on a piece of paper.
Oh, you want a chocolate?
Hey, I got a plane to catch.
Don't forget
to water the plants.
See ya.
This is great.
- You like it?
- Yeah...
Very cool.
I don't know. I don't think my mom's
gonna like it very much.
Oh, I gotta sit down.
What are you doing?
Better Homes and Dildos.
My mom is coming.
- I'll take them down tomorrow.
- Um-hm. You better.
Oh, Jesus, turn it off.
Open up, its your bro.
It's Paul.
Paul, do you see anyone?
Yeah, Ma,
this is the place.
I don't think she's here.
Let's go get something to eat.
Your mother?
Why would anybody be living here?
Are you sure this is the right spot?
I don't do family reunions so well.
I'll go out the back door.
Well, then,
what are you gonna tell your mother?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
Maybe a big fat lie.
Hi, honey.
Paul, she's here.
- Margaret!
- Mom!
oh, sweetheart.
I'm sorry, I know we're early.
Paul was driving.
- Oh, well, you know... hey, Paul.
- Sis, what's goin' on?
Good to see you.
I'm wet.
Oh, Mom, this is Kim.
Paul... Kim.
- Hello, Kim, nice to meet you.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- You okay?
- Yes...
What a climb!
- So... this is it, huh?
- Welcome. Home, sweet home.
It's big.
You're right.
I noticed that your goddesses
are all... so young and nubile.
Rather like the person your stepfather's
been having an affair with.
Haven't you heard
of the Venus of Willendorf?
Goddesses have large,
sagging breasts.
That suckled ungrateful children
and deceitful men.
- Would anyone like a beer?
- Yeah...
I'd love one.
Yeah, I'd love one.
Don't you have any wine?
so I thought you could
take the bedroom, and Paul...
you could bunk down
in the hall, and...
Kim and I could bunk down
in the back room.
Kim is just staying for a...
Kim: A while.
A short time.
Yes, I know what "a while" is.
- 'Night, Mom.
- 'Night honey, sleep well.
All set?
So, you're working
in a discount bookstore?
I am?
"Ten Percent".
Well, got everything?
'Night, Mom.
Well, goodnight.
Oh, sorry.
Could this be love?
Must be love.
There's no other reason that we'd be
putting ourselves through this.
Shut up.
Oh, come on, Maggie.
She knows.
It would never occur to her.
But, if she did know, she would never
let me know that she knew.
Really, well, maybe if she knew,
she'd give us the bed.
Oh, shit.
- Never mind.
- You're an animal.
Good morning.
Shouldn't you be
in school or something?
Yeah, I start Monday.
Then I write my scholarship exams.
Unlike you,
I will get to law school.
So, what happened?
Why are you and Mom here?
Mommy-o's broke.
But Michael's a corporate lawyer,
he prints money!
Michael's been getting "some exercise"
from his partner's wife.
From Sandra
the Tequila Slushy Queen?
Yeah, for a year.
I mean she...
she had no idea.
Oh, God.
Poor Mom.
Oh, God.
I don't need another window display.
I need a lawyer.
Little Red Riding Hood?
What is going on with Customs?
Little Red Riding Hood
and the big bad wolf?
That Little Red Riding Hood?
- Do we stock that book?
- A customer ordered it for her niece.
They're trying to ruin me, Customs.
That's what it is.
Attention shoppers.
I got a letter
from my father today.
The same father who told you
to drop dead? That father?
Yes... no, well, what I mean
is his lawyer wrote me.
And he says my parents
are going to buy me a condo.
So that after the surgery
I'll have someplace to go...
to recuperate...
to have some sense of security.
I mean, wow, not a word
from them since I told them.
Nothing in two years.
And now this.
They miss me.
I'm going to write them and invite them
for a housewarming party.
Please, buy the condo
and move my mother in.
How is your Mom?
And I see you have a new friend.
Yeah. Kim is...
staying with me.
Yeah, and her mother
and her brother.
Sounds complicated.
Well, you know
I have an extra room.
This is Carla and Judy.
Hi. It's nice to meet you.
Nice meeting you.
I was thinking
of the Heritage Peak Condos
they're putting up
down the street?
Do you think
your Mom and I could live there?
Cheap and tawdry goods
masquerading as quality.
Comme moi!
I'll be a Heritage Homo.
Frances, now that I'm almost a woman
of almost means,
I was wondering if maybe you'd like
to go out with me, sometime?
Well, you know...
oh, gosh I'm really, really busy.
There's practically a war on here.
Excuse me.
You can run
but you can't hide.
So, have you told your mother
about your honeymoon yet?
I want her to leave.
I don't want to kill her with the shock.
Oh, come on, she can take it.
Parents can be very resilient.
What does she do all day?
Shop. Cook.
Clean. Decorate.
She sounds lonely.
Hi, I'm Judy.
Is Maggie home?
Oh, gee, she's not, you know.
She and Kim went out again.
Oh... I brought her these
as a housewarming gift.
Well, for all of you, really.
Well, how lovely.
- I'm Lila, I'm Maggie's mother.
- Nice to meet you.
- And you're...?
- Judy. Maggie's friend Judy.
Just think of me
as the Welcome Wagon.
Well, welcome.
- Would you like to come in?
- Yes, thank you.
My, it's quite a climb, isn't it?
I almost got an aneurism.
And here...
and here.
- Lovely, thank you.
- And cheers.
- Cheers.
- Welcome.
You know, I just love that shirt.
Thank you.
I do my best with my limitations.
It's so hard to find nice things
to wear when you're my size.
Oh, you should be proud of your size.
So strong and so striking.
I think the word you're
looking for is "enormous. "
- Exotic.
- Thank you.
You know, I just wish Maggie
had some of your sense of style.
Oh, no, Lila.
Maggie's... Maggie's lovely.
- She's very clever, you know.
- Yes. Yes, she is.
But, what is going on
with her these days?
You'd have to ask her that, Lila.
So, there is something going on?
Oh, well, she's nineteen.
There's always something going on
when you're nineteen.
More wine?
Did you ever wake up one morning...
and feel that everything
in your life was wrong?
Because I woke up
one morning last month, and...
and I know this sounds silly
because, you know housewives,
excuse me, "homemakers,"
as we're now called,
aren't supposed to have
existential crises.
I think homemakers have
existential crises all the time.
Well, I found out that my husband
had been having an affair.
And it had been going on
for more than a year.
A year.
That's a long time.
I had the choice right then,
to either carry on or break it up.
Oh, my goodness,
you're easy to talk to.
Here's to strong women.
To strong women.
- God loves you.
- Hey, I'm busy here.
Jesus loves you.
Thank you.
Can you still read "Die Dyke Die?"
or do you think
I've finally gotten it all off?
Maggie, you know we never used
to have graffiti around here. Never.
Yeah, I think
it's my window displays.
Oh, yeah.
Listen, Maggie, first it's graffiti,
then they start breaking windows,
then God knows what's next.
Certain people, you don't want
to attract their attention, capice?
I don't need people writing "Dyke"
on my coffee bar, all right?
Do I look like a dyke to you?
Come on,
you're riding shotgun.
- Where we going?
- Customs, baby.
Hey, hey, hey! Who's supposed
to clean this shit up now, huh?
Stu catzo!
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
Can you direct me
to Mr. Marcus' office?
- Downstairs, turn right.
- Thank you.
Buildings like this are designed along
the lines of a rationalist conspiracy.
The thing is
not to be bamboozled,
just know where you're going
and go there. Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Ooh!
- Don't ask.
Oh, boy.
The books have been
classified as obscene
and will not be allowed
through the border.
Now, if I can just
get you to sign here.
"Little Red Riding Hood"
is obscene?
Well, we... we thought
that was something else.
- I'll bet you did.
- Our mistake.
However, titles such as...
"The Lesbian SM Virtual Sex Manual"
and "A Guide To A-a-a... "
"Anal Safe Sex"
will remain here with us.
Something to read
on those dark, lonely nights.
If I could just get you to sign here,
here and here and here.
You can have "Little Red Riding Hood"
back within the week.
Seriously, Mr. Marcus...
the Supreme Court has declared
that anal sex is to gay male sex
what Mozart is to classical music.
Miss Turner, we are not here
to discuss classical music.
I myself
am a huge Mozart fan, but...
Look, the Supreme Court has declared
this material is not obscene!
This is not the Supreme Court.
We're in Customs
and I have a job to do.
Just following orders, are we?
From your perspective that must be
a compliment of Mozartian proportions?
Security! Security!
I think you should let him go.
We have a problem?
Bernice, is that you?
Oh, my God I haven't seen you
since the Womyn's Music Festival.
Who was that woman you were with?
The meter maid?
Julie, how is Julie?
I'm going back in there.
I don't think so.
That is a great piece.
It's a great piece of...
Art, Frances.
The ice age
destroyed the dinosaurs.
So, I'm commenting
on the dinosaur mentality of Customs.
Ultimately, the cube melts
and the books are liberated.
But ruined.
Liberated but ruined.
It's conceptual.
Ooh, yes.
I love the layers of meaning.
Like a popsicle.
There's an orange layer,
and a blue layer, and a pink layer.
Now, you're going to clean up after
your "conceptual"...
- once it starts to melt, right?
- Oh, yeah.
For bright pink,
use whole dye package.
So, have you known Margaret long?
No, actually. Not that long at all.
Maybe about a week.
seems like longer.
Yes, you two seem very close.
We are.
that's something I'd like to talk...
You know, Margaret never really
had any friends in high school.
I mean, she was a straight-A student
so she was always studying.
That's why I don't understand
why she has quit university.
- It's what she always wanted.
- Hmm.
Have you been to university?
Art school.
art school.
I went to music school,
you know.
Oh, really?
I used to sing...
Puccini, Verdi.
You sang opera?
I know, I hardly seem like
the prima donna type now... but, yes.
I... had to give that all up,
of course.
Why, "of course?"
Well, because,
it's nonsense, really.
I mean, you know,
if you can't be great...
if you can't be the best.
That's ridiculous.
What if it's what you really love to do?
Lila, I want to talk to you
about something. Maggie and I...
You didn't ask Maggie
to quit university, did you?
No, no, no, Lila.
I didn't.
I did want to talk to you,
about her... and about me.
We're in love.
Well, that went well.
7-1-2 Heritage. All right.
This must be the place.
Got my resume.
I am woman!
Are you here
about the job, dear?
Oh, yes, I am.
I can type 120 words a minute.
I can do spreadsheets,
Lotus and Windows.
Oh, I am sorry,
but the job's been filled.
So, why don't you just
leave me your resume...
and I'll get back to you
if something comes up.
Are you here about the job?
That's right.
I thought there was
someone else here.
No, only me.
- You know, I do windows.
- Good, good.
- Watch it, big guy.
- Oh, sorry.
I've got the job!
Oh, Mom,
Wine, my dear,
much more ladylike than beer.
And if I help the agents with sales,
they'll give me a commission
on their commissions.
Awesome, Mom.
You rock.
Well, I'm not the person
I was going to be, I'll tell you.
I was going to have a career.
I was going to have a wonderful,
successful marriage,
and two wonderful,
successful children, and...
look at me.
And look at you.
You're looking so, I don't know,
just shabby these days.
To you, Mom.
I'm going to be taking messages,
and helping the agents
while they're selling the units
and keeping the Show Suite clean,
which is... you know.
I read a study...
and after the age of forty...
a woman's chances of having sex
are diminished by eighty percent.
So, after fifty...
God help you.
And since I probably won't
be having sex again,
chocolate's the only
pleasure left for me.
Do you have a boyfriend, dear?
No. I don't.
Funny that.
What's wrong with boys these days?
Yes, Mom.
- Honey?
- No, that's okay, Mom.
What is this God-awful music?
The thing is Maggie, she's going
to find out sooner or later.
I know, I know.
It's just...
just give me some time.
"I'm in love with... "
"I'm in love with... "
"I'm in love with... "
"Julie Christie. "
"She makes me go misty. "
"She makes me go, ahh!"
"Oh, what a star. "
"Everybody's entitled
to a little fantasy... "
"And how I'd love
to step inside the screen. "
"Everybody's entitled
to a bit of fantasy... "
"Well, you know that film,
Billy Liar... "
"She set my heart on fire!"
"Julie Christie... "
"she makes me go misty. "
"She makes me go, ahh!"
"Oh, what a star. "
"I'm in love with... "
"I'm in love with... "
"Julie Christie. "
"She makes me go misty...
"She makes me go, ahh!
Oh, what a star... "
"Julie Christie. "
"Julie Christie... "
Oh, Margaret, I'm so sorry.
I should have rinsed out the machine
after I dyed my underwear.
And I...
It's okay. We'll just tell everyone
we're from a cult.
Margaret, what ever happened
to that boy you were dating?
Todd? He went to Toronto,
to study fashion design.
Fashion design?
"Fashion design. "
I never liked him.
And you still haven't explained to me
why you left school.
I hated it there.
I might want to try
something else like, writing.
- Writing?
- Maybe.
Margaret, there is
no future in the arts.
You will need something
to fall back on.
Like Michael?
I'm sorry...
I'm sorry, Mom.
Mom, just because you stopped
singing opera or whatever,
doesn't mean that I have
to be like you.
I'm different.
In fact, I'm very different...
I'll say you're different, you're...
- look what you're wearing.
- What?
You will never get
a boyfriend dressed like that.
- Mom...
- Okay?
And I'm not very happy
about that hole in your navel.
I know,
I know what you need.
I brought you something.
Mr. Snugly!
Oh baby, do you remember
when you couldn't sleep without him?
Mom, I can sleep without him
just fine now, trust me.
Mommy-o, is this like
a Grateful Dead thing or what?
Granite counters and a very cozy
but spacious breakfast nook.
And, of course, outside the tile patio
for outdoor dining when weather's nice
with the lattice and the planting
for that illusion of privacy.
And they're exactly like this.
We only have six.
Let me show you upstairs...
because I just know
you're going to love the bedroom.
I think you're right
about the colors, Lila.
Well, you need intensity, Judy,
to compliment your personality.
- Decorative borders?
- Kind of Matisse-y?
You know, one color combination
I simply adore...
I saw it on a silk ribbon once.
It was taupe and lime.
Come and see the view.
Oh, you're going to die.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Don't you love it?
So, what do you do, Judy?
I sing, in a club.
- You're a singer?
- Just old standards.
How wonderful! Well, please...
sing something for me.
"We'll find a perfect peace,
where joys never cease... "
"somewhere beneath the starry skies. "
"We'll build a sweet little nest,
somewhere in the West... "
"And let the rest
of the world go by. "
That was lovely.
Oh, oh, you know,
I never really had any talent.
I never let that stop me.
Here we go.
I want to ask your advice.
My advice?
Love advice.
Woman advice.
Well, I think you've come
to the wrong place for that...
I mean, you'd have to ask me
for advice on how to end up alone.
Now, I'm very attracted
to this... person...
but I'm not getting anywhere.
What's his name?
"Francis"... what a lovely,
old fashioned name.
That's sort of the problem.
Lunge at it.
- Really?
- That's my new philosophy.
If you really want something,
you lunge at it.
What if it doesn't work out?
Well, in my experience,
things don't really work out anyway.
I give up.
How about some cocoa?
We gotta go, Mom.
You're going out?
Margaret, it's after ten.
Yeah, well, in some places
the night's just starting.
- Have a good time.
- Thanks.
Roses... roses.
Anybody want a rose?
Oh, sorry.
Oh, you want a rose?
Do you want one?
Well, actually, I was thinking
about something else.
You know,
it's really hard having sex
when your mother's sleeping
in the next room.
Oddly enough,
it's really hard to have sex
when you make so much noise.
Okay, come on, honey!
This is great.
Hey, look who I found when I came
to see if you girls wanted to play.
Looks like you've been
playing already.
Are you accusing us
of having sex in the bathroom?
I hear it's all the rage.
Paul, I...
Carla gave me a ride
on her motorcycle. Carla!
Maggie, Maggie. I bought a condo
from your mother today.
Oh, she is such a sweetheart.
And I've finally sent
that invitation to my parents!
I never thought I'd see the day.
I can't talk right now.
I am on in like, five seconds.
God, I can't believe
Carla brought Paul here.
He's only seventeen.
He's not even consenting age.
Looks like he's consenting to me.
Hey, everybody,
if you'd please take your seats.
Our very own...
Judy Squires!
"I'm not...
a fucking drag queen,"
"I'm in another bracket. "
"What you see before you... "
"is not some midnight racket. "
"Nothing here is padded... "
"I've paid a mighty fortune. "
"A few things have been added... "
"and one to two subtractions. "
"I'm not a fucking drag queen,"
"I won't let you forget it. "
"When you say, "Good day, Sir!"
you stab me all the way through,"
"my tender,
transgender heart. "
"And if you happen to be gay... "
"you could show a little
heart and understanding. "
"Instead of twittering and whispering
and pointing Judas fingers"
"like a bunch of cunning linguists
at some gender crucifixion. "
"And if you think I'm such a freak,"
"there's no need to cut me down
and put me in my place. "
"You may just want to take a look
at why your pants are oh, so wet"
"and your knees like castanets,
are giving you away. "
"I'm not a fucking drag queen,"
"I don't wear foot-long lashes. "
"Don't wear a pound of make-up... "
"or seventeen tiaras!"
"I don't want your
five dollars... "
"Before this song is over. "
"Don't want your...
"How's it going, man!"
No, no, no.
"Miss Squires"
will do nicely. "
"'Cause, I'm not
a fucking drag queen,"
"so please don't be so rude. "
"I'll break your
fucking legs, sir... "
"and then I'll pirouette while
I mend my transgender heart!"
"Can't you just say, "yes, dear"...
and "she" and "her" and "sister"...
"to my tender,
transgender heart. "
That was great, really.
Family life's starting
to get really weird.
Yeah, I bet they didn't
teach you this in Sex Ed.
Well, consider me
"Dr. Carla" at your service.
What's with all those dildo things?
Oh, they used to be a political no-no,
but now it's just a radical sex thing.
Of course, I've always done
exactly what I wanted to do.
Girls have to improvise,
you know?
I like a cucumber,
but they can get really slippery.
Boys like toys too, you know.
- This is for boys?
- Um-hmmmm.
- What is it?
- A butt plug.
It's okay honey,
I bleach it.
Frances, I'm in love with you
and I'm lunging until I get you.
This isn't a good place...
time, to lunge.
I'm under a lot of pressure
with this Customs thing.
I know.
I'm lunging anyway.
Judy, I have never been
what you'd call sexually adventurous.
You don't have to be.
I'll take that on.
I mean I've never had a threesome,
I've barely had twosomes.
I have had three girlfriends,
all of whom were exactly like me.
I'm exactly like you.
I know your favorite writer
is Gertrude Stein...
and I love Gertrude Stein.
And not just the readable Stein.
I was an English Major...
my thesis was on Stein's
"The Geographical History of America. "
"I think if you announce
what you see...
"Then nobody can say no. "
- Do you like to...
- I'd love to.
- I just have to...
- ... go to the bathroom.
After you.
Hop on.
I'll just go and pay the bill.
Excuse me?
Aren't you
in the wrong place, "sir?"
I don't think so.
Shouldn't you be
in the men's washroom?
I mean, you are a man.
No, I'm not.
Get out.
Make me.
Are you happy now?
Let's go home.
Get out!
Stop it!
- Are you okay?
- She's not a woman...
She should be
in the men's washroom.
She is a woman
and she's our friend.
- She is not a woman.
- Yes, she is.
- No!
- Now, you say you're sorry.
- She doesn't have to.
- Say it!
"Sorry, Ma'am. "
Sorry, Ma'am.
Thank you.
This is a great place.
And it's very private.
Do you really like boys?
I mean...
Soft centres, hard centres...
I like all the chocolates in the box.
Hold on...
Bite me.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
I'll take your coat.
Thank you.
Would you like some tea?
I have Mint Dreams, Cranberry Mist,
Lemon Zip and decaf organic Earl Grey.
Yes, please.
- Frances?
- Um-hmmm?
- I just...
- What's wrong?
I think I need
a little more time.
Oh... okay.
I'll get your coat.
- I had a really good time tonight.
- Shh, shhh, shhh.
Call me.
Good night.
oh there, there's some.
Good morning, Margaret.
I've made coffee.
Everybody decent?
I made some coffee.
I wanted to ask you about...
how should I put this...
about the box that I found
underneath your bed last night.
The box...?
Oh, the box!
You know...
I should go.
No, oh, no...
you should stay.
All right...
the box..
Mom, about that box...
Because, I...
I was surprised that a girl your age
would need all those... implements.
they're not mine.
They're not mine. They belong
to the woman that I'm subletting from.
She does these
safe sex demonstrations.
Oh, my God.
Mom, did you...?
- Mom, did you?
- Yes.
- Yes?
- And why not?
And actually the experience was very...
liberating, it was very liberating.
So, Margaret...
now you tell me,
what's going on here?
W- what?
Well, there's something
going on here.
I mean, are you...?
Do you actually
think you're in love?
I'm tired of you always running my life
and criticizing me.
- I don't...
- Criticizing the way I look.
I don't run your life.
- The way I dress.
- Let me tell you something...
I would love to run your life.
Somebody should besides you.
Oh, so you're admitting it.
Well, I would do a better job.
Oh, right, because you're
running your own life so well!
You think because you're young
everything's gonna work out.
Well, that's not true.
You fuck up now and you're going to...
- Me fuck up...?
- fuck up your entire life!
Look at yourself!
- Leave it!
- Let me help.
Leave it.
I'm fine.
I'm sorry.
She asked you
if we were in love.
My mother doesn't need to know
everything in my life.
Well then, fuck you!
I'm going to go and get Paul.
I am not going to be sticking around.
It's not that I didn't try to help,
I have tried to help.
I have tried in every way I could.
But if that's how she feels...
Here you go.
I will not stay
where I am not wanted.
I mean, you try and you help someone
and this is the thanks I get.
If that's how it's going to be,
then that's how it's going to be.
I've had it with working
my fingers to the bone.
Here, let me get
the door for you, Tony.
Hey, Judy,
what do you think of this?
My sister-in-law
gave it to me, fuck.
Oh, it's beautiful, Tony.
Ah, it's a piece of garbage,
but it's better than the other one.
watch your back there, my love.
Okay, put it over here.
Come on here, put it down.
What are you, stupid?
So, why didn't she
just tell Lila?
It doesn't matter.
It's over.
Listen to me, Kim, if you leave now
you will be making a huge mistake.
I mean, you two have it made.
You love each other...
it's as clear as day...
and love is not
that easy to come by.
Well, how about
you and Frances?
Are you okay?
Not really.
I'm sorry.
She's the one making the huge mistake.
That's for sure.
Come on, Judy,
you're one in a million.
Thank you.
And what do you get?
San Francisco?
That's what she said.
Oh, sweetie, why didn't you
just tell your mom?
I suddenly felt ashamed I wasn't
sleeping with "Mr. Snugly" any more.
I gotta go to work.
No, sweetie, stay right here
and you get yourself together,
- you take all the time you need.
- Thank you.
Oh, sweetie.
It's gonna be okay.
It's about time.
I want you to clean up this mess.
Hi, Frances.
I'm sorry about the other day.
I came to tell you...
I found this.
The Film Classification Board
is coming here.
They're going to impound
your videos.
I stole this for you.
- They're coming here tonight.
- Tonight?
They love coming at night
because of the overtime.
They'll be here
just before closing time.
Yeah, well...
look Bernice, thanks.
Yeah, that's okay.
"Officers are to search the premises
and seize any videos...
which could be classified
as obscene materials. "
I give up.
Maybe they're right.
Look at this place.
Yeah, it's obscene.
That's the point!
We can hide the videos.
They'll just come back for them.
Call your lawyer... call the newspapers!
They want obscene?
- Maggie... speak to me.
- They've got it!
Margaret and I never fight,
but all of a sudden, I'm the bad guy.
Well, don't you worry
about a thing, Lila.
You and Paul can stay here
as long as you like.
Oh, and then so Paul calls to say
that he's not coming home last night.
And you know,
that's just so unlike him...
and, you know,
I'm really... I'm worried sick.
I mean, what's gotten into him?
I'll get that, sweetheart.
Hi... Special Delivery
for Mr. Jeremy Squires. He has to sign.
Jeremy? I think you have
the wrong address.
- I'm Jeremy.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Judy.
I'm Jeremy Squires.
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
You're Jeremy?
Why don't you come inside, honey.
Just come inside.
I'm Jeremy.
You're a man.
No, no, no...
not really.
Not ever.
I was born into a man's body,
but I've always been a woman.
And, well...
after the final surgery...
I think I need a little drink.
Help yourself.
"Dear Jeremy,
thank you for your invitation.
But your mother and I
won't be able to visit with you. "
"We're sorry but, in the future,
I think it's... best. "
What is it?
My father's lawyer will be
in touch with you about the sale.
So, they're not going to come?
But... well, they bought
you this place.
Yes, well... apparently
this place is a...
a "get lost" contract.
Shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit.
You know, I'm feeling
a kind of a rage.
A nasty kind
of bubbling-up kind of rage.
Thank you.
I'm too old for this.
you are not too old.
You are pissed-off.
rage gets trapped
in the body...
and it can make
you feel old and tired...
that's why you have
to let it out.
Like this.
Li-la! Li-la!
- I can't.
- Come on, come on.
Yes, you can.
And remember...
Scream. Let it out.
Let it out.
Li-la, Li-la...!
Oh, my God!
Here we are!
Here we go...
one, two, three!
Frances, come on!
What is she going to do...
stay like this all night?
I'm going to call the press.
I'm going to call my lawyer.
- I gotta go lock up.
- I've got to get changed.
I'll be right back, okay?
Just stay where you are.
Because we are the Goddesses.
And what we need,
we take.
Come on.
I want Frances to hear this.
But we can't go over like this.
I'll just call
the television stations.
No, the newspapers.
And my neighbor.
"Hi, it's Frances,
talk now. "
Hi Frances...?
it's Kim.
I can't find Maggie anywhere.
Or Lila.
Where is everyone?
Oh, forget it. If you get this message
can you just tell Maggie that I called.
Hey, dyke!
- Hey, hey, baby.
- I know what she needs.
Come on man, we're late.
Forget it, fuck.
Judy: I'm going from
Shannon to Dublin...
to London...
to Botswana.
Oh, honey...
Oh, maybe this wasn't
such a good idea.
No. No, we must go
and find this Frances.
in my hair?
- Just a little.
- Oh, my God.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, oh, God...
I feel much better.
Come on, lesbo!
Don't you want
to play with me, huh?
I've got eight inches from hell
here for you, baby!
Oh my God,
that looks like Margaret.
It is.
Get away from my daughter you!
You stupid creeps!
Come on guys, get lost.
- Yeah, get out of here!
- Fuck you.
Oh, Judy!
- Oh, sorry... sorry.
- Oh, my God!
- Dyke.
- Oh, thank you.
Open the door, Margaret.
What are you doing in there?
You've got no clothes on.
Please, open the door!
open the goddamn door!
- What, you're going to break in?
- If I have to.
- I am not taking sides.
- Fine.
Oh, oh my God,
Maggie, please.
Sweetheart, please,
come down out of the window.
- Maggie, please.
- I need coffee.
- Maggie, come on.
- We're closed.
- You want one?
- Why are you doing this?
I think I saw a light on
over in Tony's.
This is about Kim,
isn't it?
You think I don't know
anything about life, about love?
Well, let me tell you something.
I was in love once.
And his name was Otis.
Yes, and he was a back-up singer
for Wayne Newton.
Yoo-hoo, Tony!
You've got to put something on.
Oh, Maggie, he was so... he had
this little black moustache and...
Okay, you want some coffee you're
going to have to make it yourself.
- Thank you, Tony.
- You're welcome.
Hey listen,
I called my lawyer, you know.
I told Frances I would
and I did.
Goddamn this thing,
the thing doesn't fit.
I thought I loved your father.
We'd been married for two years.
I was pregnant with you, but...
But then I met Otis and I...
oh, my God.
Mom, where are you?
Oh, Maggie.
- Oh, Mom.
- Oh, sweetheart, are you okay?
I'm okay, Mom,
are you okay?
Oh, my God,
oh my baby.
Wait a second.
Who's this?
Oh my God, Tony.
It was my sister-in-law's
stupid fucking oven.
Where is Judy?
Oh, look at this!
My store blows up and nobody even
comes to see me.
- It's broken, fuck.
- Judy...?
- Lila...?
- Oh, there you are.
Oh, Maggie.
Oh, my God, are you okay?
I got the license number.
We have to call the police.
Frances, wait!
We need to call the police.
- I got the license number.
- I called the police.
And you know...
are you all right?
That's "Frances?"
I love you.
Thank God.
You go on now...
go on.
Careful Maggie,
watch the traffic!
have a drink.