Between Two Ferns: The Movie (2019) Movie Script

Yep, check, check. Yep.
- Thank you.
- Sorry about the leaky pipes.
It shouldn't affect the interview at all.
You good with sound
and everything on that?
We'll take it out in post.
Uh, that's just plumbing,
'cause it's not even raining outside.
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
and today my guest is...
Matthew McConnarr...
Matthew McConnagee. McConaughey.
Good to be here, Zach.
All right, all right, all right.
Sorry, I was just reading the box office
returns for your last three movies.
All right.
All right.
I guess that one was all right.
I notice that you're wearing a shirt.
Is everything okay?
You fucking kidding me?
Of all the things
you can win an Oscar for,
how surprised are you
that you won one for acting?
Here we go.
But so did that guy
from Thirty Seconds To Mars.
So, um...
how proud can you really be?
How much time do we have?
I'm out of here in about 15 minutes,
so whatever. Do something.
What do you have to do?
Go drive around in a Lincoln convertible,
Your dad died while having sex
with your mom,
and you've said that you want
to go out the same way.
You and your mom need
to set up some boundaries.
- No, it's not true.
- I wasn't...
- Next question.
- It wasn't supposed to be funny.
- It's just a rumor that I heard.
- Yeah, I hear you.
Who do you think will accidentally
starve himself to death first,
you or Christian Bale?
You lost so much weight for that movie,
I thought you might die from fake AIDS.
I've got three kids, I got a wife.
What have you got?
Besides two ferns?
At least you're watering them, I see.
Yeah, and again, I'm sorry.
- We'll fix it in the edit.
- Doesn't bother me.
I'm so... I'm so sorry.
Can I just, uh...
...see what's going on with these pipes?
I got a lighter.
Dude, don't do that.
A little help here?
I can't get out!
Who was the idiot
that installed the sprinkler system?
- What's the way out, Zach?
- I don't know, Matthew!
Well, where did we come in from?
I don't recall, Matthew,
I'm a little... stressed!
Well, they turned the sprinklers off.
And... action.
and welcome to Behind Two Ferns,
the story of Between Two Ferns,
a special feature-length documentary
providing an inside glimpse
at my award-losing talk show.
I'm Zach Galifianakis.
We're here in Flinch, North Carolina,
where I've taped my show
for over ten years.
Not only do I host the show,
but I will be your tour guide
throughout your cinematic experience.
Who knows,
maybe the movie will even be in 3D?
Little trivia about my show,
I originally wanted to call it
Betwixt Two Ferns,
but I thought that was
too highbrow for the public.
Our journey begins here,
like most classic tales,
with our hero opening a door
into adventure.
And... cut.
Great, that was the best one.
Twenty-one takes is good for you?
Twenty-one takes?
That's really, really good for me, yep.
We can move on?
- Yeah, let's move on, that was perfect.
- Okay, move on!
I grew up here in the small town
of Flinch, North Carolina,
and ever since I was a kid, I...
dreamed of being a big
network TV personality.
But things haven't worked out
exactly as planned.
From Flinch, North Carolina,
it's Flinch Public Access Television!
Anybody watching this show
has the ability to make a piata.
- You're lying. You didn't say that.
- The lifeblood of America.
- You told me it was about waste water.
- I don't lie.
I have no idea what I'd do without you.
Think about soccer,
you don't even use your hands.
That's what makes us human.
Didn't like that card.
Didn't like that card, either.
Where do you keep your Oscar?
I mean your, uh...
Blockbuster Entertainment Award?
We are here, at, uh...
Flinch Public Access Television,
FPAT-V, for short.
What's great about public access
is the feel of community.
Here comes the tornado.
Anybody's voice can be heard here.
Top that, motherfucker.
This is where I've been
taping my shows for over a decade now.
- Hi.
- Hi!
I'm, uh...
Keanu Reeves and I'm here
for Between Two Ferns.
Oh, yeah.
Hi, my name is Zach Galifianakis.
Welcome to another edition...
of Between Two Ferns.
Uh, my guest today is Keanu Reeves.
- Thank you for being here.
- Thanks for having me here.
You have a big scar, I hear,
from a motorcycle accident?
Yeah, I do, yeah.
Is it... Where is it?
- Just goes from here to here.
- Big one?
- God, that big?
- Yeah, it's about...
I have a similar scar on my...
on my leg.
From what?
Walked out of the movie Lake House.
Bumped into the seat in front of me.
On a scale of one to 100,
how many words do you know?
One to 100?
Like, do you know 50 words?
Do you know 75 words?
Do you know 18 words?
Is it frustrating, uh...
to have people think of you
as a complete bozo?
When the truth is that you're just...
a man with below average intelligence?
Just do...
one for yes, and then...
two for no.
Do you research your roles?
Have you ever considered researching
a character that has taken acting classes?
Right now I'm acting like this is fun.
How am I doing?
It's a good show.
Right now,
it's the seventh-ranked show in, uh...
southeastern North Carolina's
public access television market.
I mean, do I have other dreams?
I've always wanted to jet ski to Alaska.
But, ultimately, in life,
I'd like to have my own
late night talk show.
But this, for now,
what I have now...
this will do.
Who's on cocaine?
I'm sorry, I thought someone said
someone's on cocaine,
and I was like, "Who's on cocaine?"
'Cause it's not me.
You ready? Let's do it.
Okay. So, how did you stumble across Zach?
When I, uh, first saw some...
footage of...
...this fat idiot, Zach Galifianakis,
I thought...
I thought it was a practical joke.
I don't know if you wanna get
a tight shot of that?
America's Dumbest Television Hosts.
And, uh, I saw him on this tape
and he was so...
He was such an idiot,
and he was so dumb,
and so fat.
So, uh, without asking,
I uploaded it to my website, Funny Or Die,
and, uh...
All the clicks.
Over 500 trillion and counting.
And those clicks...
equals more green,
which equals more white,
which equals more...
That's me putting on a big,
purple feather boa.
Yeah, so, I signed him
to an exclusive contract
and, you know,
started forcing my Hollywood friends
to be interviewed by him.
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
Uh, my guest today is...
Chance the Rapper.
You're an actor, a rapper, an activist.
Why aren't you also an astronaut?
I don't know. I'm not very, uh...
- like, I don't come from, uh...
- Space.
If your parents had not named you
Chance the Rapper,
do you think you would have
pursued a different career?
My parents didn't name me
Chance the Rapper.
That's a stage name.
Any siblings?
I have one brother, yeah.
What's he do for a living?
He's a rapper too.
What is his name?
Community Chest the Rapper?
Uh, no.
You're friends with Kanye West.
That's the joke.
I don't like that joke.
Will you just give these a chance?
They're fine.
This is good stuff.
Stop fucking playing with me right now.
So, it seems like you have
a lot of responsibility here.
I do. The show carries
a lot of responsibility,
- but, you know...
- Oh, my God.
I'm surrounded by a really good team.
My office is right this way.
Got a great view of everybody,
I can kinda keep an eye on things.
I feel sorry for people who use laptops.
They don't get that exercise.
I'm Carol.
I am Zach's right-hand woman, yeah.
He cares about his job.
He's very creative.
He's very clever.
So, I do a lot of things for him,
he's very busy, and...
um, he just needs somebody
to take care of all the details,
and I'm happy to do it.
Sometimes words are overwhelming for him.
He needs to just
kind of break it up a little bit.
Zach likes me to cut out all the big
top stories of the day from the newspaper.
Just throw them in the trash
so he can just look at the pictures.
I've written down lists of things
that I wanted him to make sure
he remembered, and...
his brain just doesn't work that way.
He needs it to be drawn.
So, it'll just be a picture of him,
in bed,
and every step,
from removing the covers,
standing up, walking...
And then after that,
that's you in the car.
When I leave?
- Hey.
- Hi.
Zach also has me run
personal errands for him.
For instance, he has very sensitive skin,
and he needs to wear panty liners
to protect his private area.
I call her the Getter.
She gets it.
She gets me and she gets...
and she gets...
she gets things for me.
So I call her the Getter.
And, uh...
she's wonderful.
So, Zach has a thing called
where he wants to make sure
that the ferns are just so,
and they have to be
exactly the same in every episode.
He likes that continuity.
Green as ever. They look great.
Moisture's nice. Good.
- Why do they look so different?
- I don't...
I don't know how to take care of these.
Keep killing them.
I just buy new ones
whenever we have a show.
Is the width off to you? No, that's right.
Looks good.
That's exactly what it was last time.
What's the readout?
- I have one.
- Whoa. No, no, no.
It says one.
I gotta say...
it's hard to believe I've used
the same ferns all these years.
- Okay. So, yeah, we all set?
- Yeah.
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
Good work. Really good work.
Hey, Chuck, I wanted to talk you about...
So, I've heard people
call you by your nickname.
Can you explain what it means?
I'm nicknamed Cam
because it's short for Cameron.
A lot of people say, like,
"No, you're nicknamed Cam
because now you work with cameras,"
but that's not true.
I'm probably one of the top,
you know, 50...
...probably top 50 cameramen
you can find.
I'm not crazy about him.
His attitude is... sloppy.
I asked for an ecu of the button.
You know? And I...
I didn't see your camera move.
Zach is...
and I'll say this
the nicest way I know how,
he is an absolute piece of shit,
garbage rat, loser,
uh, donkey.
He's the biggest piece of shit
I've met in my life
and I've met some big pieces of shit.
In life and in a toilet.
I have a really good time,
and I like Zach.
I think he's...
I think he's sweet.
You didn't come to Cecil's birthday party.
You know, Cecil, the janitor?
She's good.
I like her enthusiasm.
A little annoying.
We didn't have cupcakes,
'cause he's vegan now.
Did you know that, he's vegan?
- No, I didn't.
- Yeah, so I got like plums and persimmons.
It's fine, I mean...
That woman
fucking annoys the shit out of me.
So there's a lot of celebrities
passing through the studio, right?
Oh, yeah, tons and tons.
Like, everybody.
I feel like there's nobody
who hasn't been through here.
Thank you so much
for doing this pre-interview.
- Yeah.
- So, I heard you have a funny story.
We'd love to hear it.
Oh, yeah, so, basically,
I got home late from work
and I was really tired and I parked...
Maybe ask her what race she is.
I'm not sure how that's relevant here.
Okay, is there something, like,
light you wanna talk about,
that's, like, something funny?
I think you kind of...
It's not...
It doesn't have to be like that.
Yeah, like a flippant story
about being half black, half white
or something like that.
Hi, I'm Zach.
- Hey, Adam, from Parks and Recreation.
- Oh, God.
That is refreshing to hear.
I'm so used to interviewing dumb actors
with their dumb actor lifestyles and stuff
so it's nice to interview
real people and...
Sorry, the TV show Parks and Recreation.
Okay. Let's get you miked up.
What temperature was it in there?
- It's hard for me to concentrate...
- You like swimming?
I got a lot of bathing suits in my car.
Turning down a celebrity
is maybe the greatest joy
a person can have.
Can I get a plum?
Yes, of course. How are you?
Not gonna happen, champ.
Zach, he's always around,
he pretends that he needs
to be here all the time.
He keeps taking stuff from the shelf.
I know he does.
My name is Shirl Clarts,
S-H-I-R-L C-L-A-R-T-S.
- And what do you do here?
- I'm the station manager.
I run this whole deal.
You know what a lion is?
A lion is a strong animal.
They do what the fuck they wanna do.
Take what they want, eat what they want,
they run when they feel like it.
And then Bobby...
is the assistant manager,
and he's worked here
for a long time, too.
Put me on speaker.
Put me on speaker.
Put me on speaker now.
- Should I come back?
- Diane!
Hey, Diane!
Am I on speaker?
- I'll come back.
- No, come in.
Am I on speaker?
All right, good.
Love you, bye.
Come in.
What's up?
Did you take my Hamburger Helper boxes
out of the break room?
- What if I did?
- I want my Hamburger Helper boxes back!
All right.
I'll just write a check for you.
They're, like, $1.15 each.
Well, there was two boxes.
All right, so, 3.50?
Where are you going?
We're going home.
No, you have to film at all times.
If I say, "Cut,"
that means keep the camera rolling.
If I say,
"Get that camera out of my face,"
put that camera in my face.
Let's do it again, from the top.
You wanna do this conversation again
from the top?
Yeah, this is my life story.
You ruined that scene of my life story.
So did you, by the way.
Let's take it from the top.
Where are you going?
I'm going home.
- That's bad acting. Bad acting.
- I don't buy it.
Welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
and my guest today is...
Brie Larson.
Thank you, Brie.
You won Best Actress.
Have you ever thought of aiming higher
and trying to win Best Actor?
- I... Yeah...
- Good question.
It is good. It's thought-provoking.
Your superhero character
is called Captain Marvel.
Boy, they really have stopped trying,
haven't they?
I mean, why don't they call it
Captain Comic Book,
or Captain We Can't Think
Of Anything Else?
And what would your superhero name be?
Cap'n Crunch?
I read online that you're very private
and decline to answer
questions that make you
feel uncomfortable.
This is a two-parter.
Is that true?
And how old were you
when you got your first period?
His show's success
is absolutely predicated on the fact
that people are laughing at him,
not with him.
I think it's utterly fascinating
that someone that grotesque
can actually be watchable.
What is all this?
- What's going on out here?
- Huh?
What is going on?
Something's going on with the pipes.
Yeah, no kidding.
What we have here is the perfect storm.
Old pipes, water line blockage.
And, for some weird reason,
someone shoved
a whole bunch
of shit-stained panty liners
down your commodes.
Come on, man!
This blockage is so major,
it could blow at any time.
Whoever did this is gonna pay for it.
Oh, disgusting!
Oh, God!
Zach, it's too noisy with the plumbing
and the construction.
We're not gonna be able
to interview the guest...
This whole place
needs to be soundproof, okay?
Every nook and cranny, Laura and Danny.
I want everything peepless, okay?
Just do it!
I mean, I would, I just...
I watch RuPaul's Drag Race
with my roommate on...
- You what?
- I'm watching TV tonight, so...
I would, but I can't tonight, sorry.
But, thank you.
- Hey, Matthew. Zach.
- McConaughey, nice to meet you.
- Nice to see you.
- Thanks so much for joining us.
The interview should be nice and easy.
Thanks so much for...
This'll be nice and short.
Are you ready to start?
You have a major leak in here.
- Everything all right there? Okay.
- No, everything's fine.
Oh, my God.
Grab your smartphones!
Oh, God!
Look out!
Gotta get out of here.
Oh, God!
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
My ferns!
What happened?
My glasses!
Thank God I found you!
I got a call from Will Ferrell
this morning.
He's very upset.
And he said to stand outside
of this station
and be outside at 3:00 p.m.
Is it 3:00?
On the scene, back again
WIth the motherfucking grip
'93 was the year
P-Dog came rippin' shit
Bouncing out the belly of the beast
And still the same nigga
That was hollerin' "Fuck peace!"
But check it out
It's the same old thing
Cause now the year's '94
And ain't a damn thing changed
Niggas still droppin' dead like flies
And I'm still lookin' for a way
To make us rise
I emphasize that
I still hate a devil
Hey, look at this, okay?
These are my clicks.
My website runs on clicks.
Can you see that?
It's a lot of clicks, Will.
Or is the fat
drooping off your eyebrows
impairing your vision?
Besides, you killed Matthew McConaughey.
He's dead?
Well, they administered CPR to him,
and he...
he's brought back to life.
But... but yeah, he was,
he was momentarily dead.
You are a murderer.
It was a temporary murder, if it was...
It was not a murder!
Fine. I'll keep your secret.
Okay? But you owe me.
Owe you what?
Ten episodes
of Between Two Ferns, all right?
And I need them three weeks from today.
No. Hold on,
let's make this interesting.
How about two weeks from today?
9:00 a.m.
How? I can't film here anymore.
You're just going to have to go
to the celebrities,
wherever you can find them
across the country.
But what do I get in return, Mr. Ferrell?
You'll be showered in...
gold, and spices, and rare gems,
rubies and emeralds.
But I don't want that stuff.
If money is not
the treasure that you desire,
then say it.
What doth...
I want my own network talk show.
Five nights a week.
With an "Applause" sign and an audience.
I want people to laugh with me,
not at me.
Fulfill the contract,
you got a deal.
Ten of your dumb internet talk show
and you give me
a lifetime network talk show
I'm a white man and I'm straight,
I deserve it.
Fine. Your own talk show
on the Lifetime network.
I'd take it.
I'd just take it now.
- Done.
- Done.
I don't...
Please bow.
Are you...
I christen thee...
This is not a thing you do.
...worthy of the mantle
that is FOD.
Go on, young, pudgy Zach Galifianakis.
Ride your imaginary steed
through the hills and valleys
of this country
that we know
as America.
Let's go!
Not in the front! Go around.
Hey, watch it!
Okay, guys,
Mr. Will Ferrell has promised
all of us
a new...
night-time network talk show.
Whoa, he wants us all to work on it?
Will Ferrell said this?
Yep, he asked for you all by name,
and he decided to pay for our entire trip.
So, let's go out
and film some celebrities!
I'm not quite sure yet.
- Carol's looking into that and as soon...
- I am?
She didn't even know
what we were doing here,
she's not looking into anything!
I'll start now.
She's fully aware of what's going on, Cam.
It's actually better that you don't know
what's going on.
Just point your camera
and shut the fuck up.
That's a nice thing to hear
as you're getting kidnapped.
And how long is this trip?
The trip should take us just two...
just two weeks.
- Two weeks?
- Wait, two weeks?
To get to the big time,
you gotta be a chance-taker.
And I am a chance-taker.
We're taking Between Two Ferns
on the road!
Oh! Hey, Zach?
Think I found someone.
- Oh, good!
- They're three hours away.
- No kidding?
- Yep.
Who is it?
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis.
My guess today is
Santa Claus with an eating disorder.
You look good.
Thanks, so do you.
Did you just wake up from a 15-year nap?
You look like Steve Jobs now.
Your Netflix show is called
My Next Guest Needs No Introduction.
Wouldn't a better title be
My Next Show Will Have No Viewers?
Yeah, that... we considered that.
And that didn't test well?
Oh, I think it tested very well,
but it hurt my feelings.
Tell me about your long beard.
Is that a Stupid Human Trick?
Is it Between Two Ferns
or Between the Ferns?
Between Two Ferns.
Yeah, but that's apparent.
Your show was on late.
Everybody knew it was late.
It was dark outside.
Why did they call it the Late Show
- or whatever they call it?
- Mmm.
If you're going to get nitpicky
with titles of...
I'm just saying,
Between the Ferns, yes.
Between Two Ferns, oh!
One day you might go crazy
and add a third.
Then what are you going to do?
- I haven't thought about that.
- Yeah.
Plenty you haven't thought about.
Your son's name is Harry.
Did you name him after your face?
Named him after my late father.
How do you feel now?
Well, I didn't know it was gonna go
into a bummer story like that.
No, I know.
But you don't have the capacity
for any sort of empathy or embarrassment.
Can you take some constructive criticism?
People find you unpleasant.
Mm. Thank you.
You love fast cars.
In what other ways is your penis small?
Can I just say something about this?
Not once has anyone discussed with me
my penis, my size of my penis,
my use of my penis,
or my testicles.
So, I'm just curious
about the pathology behind this.
Jesus Christ.
What'd you say?
I said, "Jesus Christ."
Stop talk...
Do not editorialize right now, please.
It's hard not to let it out
when it's such a stupid thing you said.
It was a lot of fun, really.
Seriously. Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- I know you gotta run, so, thanks.
Yeah, thank you.
I just wanted to say that...
you know, this has been
a real inspiration to me...
- ...'cause I want my own talk show.
- Good. Good. Great.
Nightly talk show, 'cause I think that'll
make me happy, like it made you happy.
Yeah, I'm sure it will.
Good luck on that.
- Okay.
- Make you happy!
- Right?
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
- Okay.
All right.
- Thank you very much for your time.
- Which way do I go?
Right up there, where the guy is.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Yeah.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Try to stay off the grass.
- We're... in the grass.
- Thank you. All right, bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Take care.
- Hello.
- What?
Okay, what's going on?
Are you gonna, like, make us all
smoosh in one shitty little room?
No, Cam, no one would room with you.
Good afternoon.
Four rooms, please.
- Four rooms?
- Four separate rooms.
- We each getting our own room?
- Two...
three, and four.
- We each get our own room!
- Nice!
That's nice.
- Goodnight.
- Night.
Thanks so much for doing the show.
What are you doing in town?
Oh, I'm here working, uh,
on my foundation.
- What is it?
- Bones For Kids.
It's for kids that are born
without bones.
- God, that's terrible.
- I know.
How can I help?
You probably could stand
to donate some arm bones.
You don't need all those arm bones.
This one you can keep.
This one you can keep.
But, for some child,
that's a shin.
It seems like a bogus, like...
it's like a bogus charity thing,
kids without boners... Bones!
Without bones or something.
Why were you putting a paper up to your...
- I could totally hear you.
- Quiet.
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
My guest today
is Paul Rudd.
- Thank you, Paul.
- Thank you.
Some people have it all.
Looks, talent.
How does it feel to only have looks?
If you didn't look the way you do,
instead of acting,
what do you think you would be doing?
Shoveling shit?
I read that you might quit acting
and just disappear?
Where did you read that?
Right here. I wrote it down.
Which do you prefer,
being in Marvel movies,
or being in stuff
that nobody has ever heard of?
Uh, being in Marvel movies.
Do you go to your acting coach and go,
"I've gotta play a goddamn ant,
what am I supposed to do?"
You lost me at "acting coach."
Yeah, that seems about right.
What advice would you give
to a young actor
who wants to hide his Jewishness
as well as you have?
But I've never really tried
to hide my Jewishness.
"I've really never tried
to hide my Jewishness."
Jesus was Jewish and he didn't hide it.
No, he put it out there
for everybody to see.
He's one of our best.
- Are you practicing?
- No.
I'm not a practicing Jew.
I perfected it.
- Zach?
- Yeah?
Some bad news.
Jake Gyllenhaal had to cancel.
He spelled his name wrong
on his plane ticket.
It's too many As.
- I don't know what to do.
- Ah! Oh, my God! Zach!
Look over there! That's Chrissy Teigen!
She's a supermodel.
How super?
She's married to John Legend.
Go talk to her. You have to.
- I can't.
- Get up!
Go! Go!
- Hi.
- Hi.
Another Brandy Alexander, please.
- Hello.
- Oh, my God, I know you!
- You do?
- Oh, my God.
You are the Between Two Ferns guy.
I love your show.
You've seen my show?
Yes, I've seen it, everybody's seen it.
It's so funny.
You are so...
and weird, and awkward,
and all your guests,
like, you can tell they hate it,
- but they're there!
- Yeah.
- I love it.
- Not really what I'm going for, but...
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
Can I ask you a question?
How did you get started?
How did you become...
Everyone always asks me that,
and it's actually a really funny story.
So, it's 2003,
this guy shows up at my door
with this box,
and there's this button inside,
and he says, "If you push this button,
- your greatest dream will come true...
- Hmm.
...but somebody, somewhere, will die."
And so, I pushed it,
Mister Rogers died...
- What?
- ...and here I am.
Wait, because you pushed the button,
you think that's...
I mean, he had a good life, so...
- I had a guest that dropped out...
- Mm-hmm.
...just last-minute for my talk show.
Is there anyway I can interview you?
I actually have a better idea.
You're touching my hand.
what if we take this upstairs?
What about John Legend?
He's fine, he's probably
at home polishing his EGOT.
Is that what he calls his penis?
Come on.
That was at my hotel room.
How did you get that footage?
There are cameras everywhere.
You told me to never stop filming.
This whole trip, you've been filming me
in every hotel room that I've been in?
Right. This is not in the documentary.
At all.
Destroy it.
But before you do,
will you email me that?
Hey, guys, welcome
to The Bear Pit. We cook with wood.
Can I get you some honey gushers to start?
What are honey gushers?
It's just lemonade.
Wow, you really sell it.
Just telling it like it is.
I'll take the fried chicken plate.
I'll get pork ribs.
- I want the special. I want...
- Special.
- Do you have sushi?
- I could...
put some fish sticks
on a rice pilaf, I guess?
That's fine. Side of gravy.
Good enough.
I'll be right back with that, guys.
- Thank you so much for your patience.
- And your name is?
- My name is Mike.
- Thanks, Mike.
- Thanks, Mike.
- You can call me Michael.
Thanks, Mike.
That's great, actually. Wow.
- We're gonna go to the bathroom.
- Does he really?
Thank you so much.
We got a celebrity!
Oh, good!
John Legend!
Oh, I'm so excited!
Yes, the piano man, yeah!
He just called his manager out of the blue
this morning and was like,
"I wanna be on that show,"
and he's on a plane right now flying here.
- Right now?
- Yes.
- Here?
- He's rushed.
Honestly, I've never heard someone
sound so excited to do our show.
Okay. Yeah, so...
when is he coming?
- He's gonna be here in a second.
- Where is he? Where is he though?
His team said he was minutes away.
There's a chance
I might leave during the interview.
- Zach!
- What?
How are you, buddy?
So good to see you, man.
I'm so excited to be here.
Oh, good.
- Yeah, have... have a seat.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Oh! I've been wanting
to be on your show for so long.
I've been talking to my manager about it.
- I'm so excited to be here.
- Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is everything okay, Zach?
Yeah, everything's... everything's fine,
I just get the pre-jo shitters sometime...
Uh, pre-show jitters sometimes.
Hi, uh, welcome to another, uh,
edition of Between Two Ferns.
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
and my guest today
is John Legend.
- Hey, Zach!
- Hey, John.
Can I get an autograph for my mom?
Sure, no problem.
- Because she wants to give it to her mom.
- Okay.
Grandmas are great, too.
Are you okay with all this?
I'm so okay with it.
I'm having such a great time!
Are you having fun?
We have something in common, uh...
which is we both
love to tickle the ivories.
You play the piano
and I love to make white people laugh.
You're great!
This is good stuff.
You have many titles, uh...
musician, actor,
producer, philanthropist.
But at the end of the day,
aren't you just a millionaire
who's married to a supermodel?
I, uh, am married to a supermodel, yes.
I'll look her up.
He met her.
- You met her?
- I did?
- When?
- Yes, of course.
In the bar.
You met my wife in a bar?
I meet a lot of people.
I meet a lot of people.
It was last night.
You met my wife last night?
- What does she look like?
- She's gorgeous.
I told you, "Go over and talk to her,
we can get an interview."
I don't remember her.
Why are you
staring at me like this?
I feel you're trying to communicate
something that I don't get.
Shut the fuck up.
That was fun, man.
Don't leave yet.
Give me a hug, brother.
I know what you did.
God! God!
Yeah. I'll be out in a second.
Just meet me at the back entrance.
What just happened?
He sprayed mace on my penis!
What did you do?
He's probably retaliating
'cause I had intercourse with his wife!
I had sex with Chrissy Teigen.
No, you didn't.
Why else would he come
and spray me where it happened?
It'll go away in, like, a half-hour.
I've been sprayed before. It's not bad.
Oh, God!
Excuse me, Mr. Hamm?
- Hi!
- Hi, my name is Zach,
I have a public access talk show,
and I was wondering
if you would like to be a guest on it?
Guys, we're gonna need
to take a quick break.
My friend Jack just asked me
to be on his TV show,
and I don't say no to anything, so...
Thank you so much. Yeah.
The Me Too movement has been
an important learning process for men.
Do you feel like
you've missed out on that
because every woman you've ever met
just wants to fuck your brains out?
Bradley Cooper co-wrote, produced,
directed, and starred in A Star is Born.
I hear it's great.
Are you hoping that will open doors
for other hot idiots?
Uh, you know...
At what point during the making of Tag
did you guys realize
that you were making one of the most
iconic pieces of mediocrity ever produced?
I get it!
My guest today is Hailee Steinfeld.
All right.
- Nice to have you here, Sta... Stailee...
- Thank...
To have... Nice to hear... Have...
Nice to have you here, Stailee.
You were in Pitch Perfect 2 and 3.
Do you ever wish
you had been in the good one?
You have 12 million Instagram followers.
How long did it take you to apologize
to each one of them for Bumblebee?
I walked out of that movie.
I'm just kidding,
I didn't walk out of the movie.
I skipped out
'cause I was so happy to be leaving.
You dated a guy from One Direction.
Which one direction
was his penis pointing, north or south?
Are we done?
Hey, Zach, could I get this?
Absolutely. Matter of fact,
if you guys want some trinkets too,
it's on me. My treat.
My guest today is...
Like the water?
Well, it's spelled differently, so...
You've been raping since the age of 13...
- Rapping.
- That makes more sense.
You starred in, um, Ocean's 8.
It's a great movie.
I'd love to see an all-male
reboot of Ocean's 8.
- That would be nice.
- Yeah.
There... It exists already.
Couple of them.
Couple of what?
Male versions of the female Ocean's 8?
Ocean's 8 was a reboot of a male...
Next thing you're gonna tell me
there's a male Ghostbusters.
There is.
- It's with, um...
- Leslie Jones.
You got famous for peeing from a zip line.
What's your next project?
Queefing on a ski lift?
No, I already queefed on a podcast.
Is that how you got your nickname,
Queef Latifah?
Do you ever wish people would stop
calling you a female comedian?
Don't you think they should
just call you a black comedian?
It's better than them
calling me a male comedian.
You were raised in the foster care system,
which brings us to our sponsor,
Foster's beer.
Can you look at this camera right here
and say,
"Foster beer,
the best beer for foster kids."
I'm not doing that.
The things you said are
Hanging in the middle of my mind
Hey, can I just take a second?
I wanted to, um...
I just want to thank you guys
for going on this venture with me,
and, uh...
this has been a dream of mine.
As a kid, I realized that people
love to point and laugh
and look at me.
And I knew then...
I have the It Factor.
So, I just wanted to thank you guys
for helping me capitalize on that.
Hey, I want to say,
when we first started
on this whole trip,
I found you to be annoying
and hard to be around,
and that hasn't changed.
I'm kidding!
- Yeah, I know! Yeah.
- That's why it's funny,
'cause it has changed.
I actually,
you know, I think...
I don't know, I kinda...
I like you.
- Wow.
- Well...
thank you, Cam.
You're welcome.
Well, I'd like to say
a little something, too.
Ever since my dad shot my mom
and then killed himself,
I felt kind of...
but you've made me really
feel stable and needed.
- So, thank you so much.
- What?
Oh, yeah, my dad killed my mom
then killed himself, 'cause...
- When... when did that happen?
- A while ago.
Like, a month.
You didn't take any time off of work,
you didn't say anything?
I'm fine.
I'd like to do a toast,
- if that's possible?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Let's do a toast.
Here's to the crazy ones,
the misfits,
to the loonies,
and ding-dongs.
And some people would say
that we're the crazy ones,
but I think...
we're geniuses,
because we're...
crazy enough
to try to change
this ding-dong crazy world.
That was a great speech.
Would you like to, uh, dance?
With me, though.
- Yes. Okay.
- Okay.
I think about you
Walking on a street
You wanna dance?
I wanna dance alone.
It always brings me back here
Come on, Cam!
Come on.
By the hand
Anyone who knows what love is
Will understand
You've always had me
Walking on a string
Room 203.
There should be some...
several rooms under that.
Yes, here's your receipt.
I hope you enjoyed your stay.
Very much.
What are all these charges?
It's itemized, sir.
I just, I didn't realize
when you take out the, um,
the crackers in the snack drawer
that they charge you for it or the drinks.
You didn't realize that?
Well, I didn't know, like, even if you
put it back, you're still charged.
If you eat it or drink it, yes.
Did you eat the stuff, too?
I moved it and then I ate it, yeah.
But, just 'cause I move it
I shouldn't be charged.
What are these? Those look like...
I rented one movie.
Big deal.
Is that porn?
I thought it was Analyze This,
but it was Anal-yze This.
They didn't even have to change
the spelling of it.
You rented Anal-yze This
several times in a row.
I kept hitting it 'cause I was,
"Well, maybe Analyze This will come..."
The point being is...
You should see the guy they had
playing Billy Crystal, by the way.
- I'm not paying for this.
- You've already paid for it.
This is just your receipt.
But, I'm saying
I'm not paying for it... again.
- I'm hungry.
- I'm starving.
I'm so hungry.
You guys wanna do
a family-style type thing?
No, I think we each
wanted to get our own thing.
- I was...
- Hey, gang.
Did you get a chance
to look at the menus here?
I'll take a grape juice...
Uh, no, we'll have, uh,
four waters for the table.
No grape juice.
Can I get an orange soda?
- Okay, orange...
- We'll split.
Maybe we can split a soda three ways.
Can you do one soda with two extra cups,
but just charge us once, and then
put the other two, just put refills in it?
It just has to be...
one cup you all share.
I can bring four straws?
Sweet. Cool.
How many clam strips come in an order?
- How big are they?
- Well, have you ever seen a chicken strip?
I've never seen a chicken wear clothes.
No, I mean like baked into a strip, not...
- You bake them?
- That's fine.
One is good. Look, we'll get an order
of the clam strips and a scoop of tuna.
And can I get a, uh...
mug of hot water, please?
What were you saying earlier
about your buddy Martin Freeman
being the only good part of Black Panther?
It's just a weird thing to say
to someone you just met.
- But I didn't say that.
- Ready?
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
I'm your host,
Zach Galifianakis, and...
my guest today is
Benedick Cumberbut... Batch.
Benedick, Benedick Cumberbat... Bun.
Benedick Cam...
Benefit Lumberjacks.
Ju... Uh, Bit...
- Uh, Benedict...
- Cumberdit...
Cumberba... Uh...
Benedict Cumberbatch.
- That's what it is.
- Yeah.
You once said
you're your own worst critic.
So, you haven't read any of your reviews?
No, no, I try not to.
Has there ever been
anything negative written about...
Oh, yeah.
A horse-faced, wooden...
- I see that, now you say that.
- ...oddly-named.
- That I do see.
- Yeah.
You got your start doing theater
and independent films.
I did.
And now you're acting
in Marvel movies.
How good does it feel to sell-out?
Uh, I don't think it's a sell-out.
I think they're pretty cool films.
There's a lot for an actor to do in them.
You wear a cape?
No, I wear a cloak.
Do you think you play smart characters
like Sherlock Holmes because you have...
you have one of these,
you know, these faces...
Can we... Is there a...
Let's just get a close-up here.
It's a face that could go either way.
It can use inductive reasoning
to solve mysteries,
or it's the type of face that...
masturbates all day wearing a helmet.
See, it's a fine line.
You played Vincent van Gogh in a movie.
I did, yes.
This is Vincent van Gogh
answering his cell phone.
It's hilarious.
If you didn't have an accent,
do you think people would be able
to tell that you're not a very good actor?
Yeah, no, I think my accent
probably does help, that's true.
Can you do an American accent?
Yes, I can.
okay, maybe I'll give you a few words?
That's a nice bicycle you have there,
my young son.
Well, that's a nice
bicycle you have there, my young son.
- Pervert. Get away from me.
- Pervert. Get away from me.
- No, that's me responding.
- No, that's me responding.
- You have a rabid fan base, and it's...
- A what?
- You have a rabid...
- I thought you said "rabbit." Sorry.
Why... I said rabid.
It's vowels with you,
so I can't sometimes
understand what you're saying.
All right, I'll say "rabbit."
You have a "rabbit" fan base.
- That what you want?
- No, just "d", "d".
You have a fan base full of rabbits.
Do they fuck a lot
while they come see your plays?
Are the rabbits always
having sex in the audience,
- while...
- Unbelievable.
Are you good friends
with the Easter Bunny?
Do you know Bugs?
Everything, uh, everything good?
You got kinda heated in there with...
with Cumber... Cumercleat...
It's Dickerflick Cabbagepatch.
I just... Look, I...
I don't wanna put this on you guys,
but, uh...
we're in a little bit of a...
budget situation,
we're strapped for cash right now.
That's okay, you can just
call Will Ferrell.
- Oh, yeah.
- He can send more money.
I'll call him right now.
- Don't do...
- How do you spell Ferrell?
Don't do that.
When I said that he was
bankrolling this project,
I meant...
I meant he was bankrolling it
in the future tense.
He didn't give us any money upfront,
and we're running low.
So, you lied about Will Ferrell?
Oh, that's great.
Let me guess, he never actually said
that we could be a part of the show?
Did you lie about that, too?
As soon as we get to Los Angeles,
everything will be fine.
I'm not gonna leave you guys behind.
We're friends.
Oh, are we?
Are we? Or are we just
a bunch of dumb shits
that you tricked
into doing unpaid labor for you?
Come on. Come on.
- Hi, Norma!
- Hi, Tessa!
What are you doing out here
in the middle of nowhere anyway?
I'm researching for a film
that I'm doing next.
What kind of research?
I'm just learning
how to be a boring person.
Oh, really?
My guest today is...
Tesla Thompson.
- Tesla? Tesla Thompson?
- Tessa.
No, Tes... Yeah, just Tessa.
Like the car.
- No, no, unlike the car.
- Tesla, like the car?
- Like, if you take the "L" out of it.
- But, it says,
parenthetically, like the car."
But, you don't say it
like you say the car.
'Cause then that's not my name.
I drive a Tessa.
You were in Creed.
What's Scott Stapp like?
- Who?
- The singer in your band.
Were you in Cr...
It says you were in Creed.
No, the movie, not the band.
Oh. Well, what's Scott Stapp like?
I never... I didn't...
We didn't meet 'cause I'm...
They weren't involved in the movie.
But, would you like to meet him one day?
I mean, yeah, sure,
if the opportunity presented itself
and I didn't have to drive anywhere, yeah.
Women are always being told
to watch their weight in Hollywood.
So, why do you think so many actresses
could still stand to lose a few pounds?
I mean, you look at Hollywood
and all the men
that get to age gracefully.
It looks like they haven't been to a gym,
they get to come in disheveled,
and they look like they need to shower,
and they're wearing
just, like, some blazer,
and be told
that they just look distinguished,
but really they just look...
pretty disgusting, so...
Yeah, I hear you.
That's... that's gotta be frustrating.
- So this like a shortcut?
- Where are we going?
I don't know if this
is where you check in, or...
Now what?
- What do you mean?
- We'll see what's going on.
- This looks weird.
- Where are we?
This where we're staying tonight.
You said we were staying
at the Four Seasons.
I said that we were staying at a place
that was closed for three of the seasons.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
We're supposed to believe that?
That's exactly what I said
and for you guys
to run your mouths
like it was something...
You are a liar and you have deceived us.
Yes, it's an abandoned campground,
but let's just stay here for the night
and have some fun.
He's crazy. He's literally losing it.
He's under a lot of stress.
But, we only have one more episode to go.
Hey, Zach found a fishing pole,
so we're gonna go on the lake
and try to catch something.
Let me put the hot dog on it.
- You have a hot dog?
- Yeah.
We could've eaten that.
You want a piece?
- No, I don't wanna a piece.
- I can give you that one.
It's been in your pocket all day.
It's only two days old, it's fine.
Hot dogs keep.
- Use it.
- Fine.
Just give me a second.
You get caught?
- You gotta get it...
- God Almighty!
What's going on?
I just feel like...
What are we doing?
I... I'm fishing on a giant goose
looking for food.
You got this.
You're gonna catch us fish for dinner,
we're all going to eat like kings tonight.
And you're gonna make a TV show
that's going to change the entire world.
I believe in you.
You can't just give up
when someone believes in you.
I don't know what I'd do without you,
Carol, I really don't.
If you could do anything with your life,
what would it be?
Forget me,
forget the cable access.
What would you do?
Once upon a time,
I thought about being a trumpet player.
That was right before we left
on this trip. I bought a trumpet.
- That was in your purse?
- Yeah.
Just in case I ever get the guts
to give it a toot.
Well, what are you afraid of?
I'm scared I might be too good at it,
and I'll have to leave you.
Well, then you become...
a famous trumpeter
and you leave me behind. It's okay.
If you wanna play the trumpet, go ahead.
Lip up. Give that thing a toot.
I watched a ton of videos
on how to do it.
It's a good start.
You play that trumpet.
I'm gonna catch us some fish.
Okay, everybody.
Can everybody gather round, please?
Gather round.
All right.
So, we're at Peter Dinklage's house.
This is our last interview.
Obviously, he's as rich as Croesus.
I have a plan.
Carol, he's going to be distracted
during the interview.
I need you to steal some of his stuff.
- What?
- What? No!
- We're not stealing!
- You can't do that. No.
I know... Not a lot of stuff,
just enough stuff so I can sell it later,
so we have some dough.
- I don't feel comfortable with that.
- You don't have to do that.
Okay, I'll do it.
You have to work the camera.
Plus, you're too stupid.
if we don't get to Los Angeles...
our talk show dreams are over.
Let's steal Peter Dinklage's stuff.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Game faces! Let's go.
All right. I'll get the ferns.
Hey, yeah,
the Ferns peoples.
Come on.
Come on, don't be shy.
Late one last night.
Oh, wow.
What a fancy house.
Tell us about
all of your expensive things.
All right.
I was just about to anyway.
You're noticing my Warhol, I see.
Must be really expensive.
Oh, about 250K. Got that for a steal.
Was LaCroix around back then?
Seems like it must be
hard to get that off the wall.
Over here...
Winds Of Winter by George R.R. Martin?
It's not even out yet!
I bet that would fetch a pretty penny
on the open market.
Check this out.
Et voil.
Are those Faberg eggs?
Yes, they are indeed.
You know what's the most amazing thing
about this, though?
Faberg egg carton.
- Is that worth a lot of money?
- Oh...
- Like, how much?
- Oh...
You can't even
think of a number that high.
Okay, great.
Thank you.
We'll set up for the interview.
So, we're gonna do the interview?
Let's do it.
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
and my guest today...
is Peter Dinklage.
Thank you for joining me, Mr. Dinklage.
Is that an STD?
Uh, I think in German
it's von Dincklage, but...
Why did you keep your real name?
I mean, if someone said to me,
"You have to start an acting career
with the name Peter Dinkylage..."
I'm thinking of other choices
I could've made right now.
Well, Galifianakis is a stage name.
What's your real name?
My real name is Chad Farthouse.
That doesn't sound right.
There's a kid
on the Disney Channel.
Uh, Chad...
He's on one of...
Wizards Of Waverly Place,
with that last name.
So, I had to change my name.
You're in X-Men, right?
You know who my favorite X-Man is?
Caitlyn Jenner.
And, by the way,
that's not an offensive joke.
I'm honestly under the impression
that she was in the X-Men movies.
You were in ALF, right?
No, I mean, you were in ALF,
the costume?
- Um, hey!
- Can I just...
Real quick,
and it's important you look at my face
'cause I think
the sincerity in this question
is reading in my face.
Tell us about how fun it was
to be in Pixels.
Pixels, was that a fun challenge?
she's taking my eggs!
- Hey, wait!
- Okay. Let's go!
- Hey!
- Let's go! Grab it! Go!
Grab what you can!
- Go!
- What the heck are you doing?
- What are you doing? Those are my eggs!
- Go! Go!
My precious eggs!
- Loved you in Three Billboards!
- Shit!
Why didn't I get attack dogs?
Well, I...
still have $102 million dollars
in my savings account alone. Ah.
You'll be fine, Peter.
You're a survivor.
You will survive.
So, guys, got a little cash
from selling Mr. Dinklage's eggs.
Now, all we have to do
is get to Los Angeles by 9:00 a.m.,
- and get this show to Mr. Will Ferrell.
- Yes!
Get in!
What's this?
Check my e-mail.
Password? Jesus.
Oh, it's "Jesus."
I always do that.
Oh, my God.
What happened to all my music?
Oh, God!
What happened?
Are you ki...
- How did this happen?
- What the fuck?
We're fucked.
We're never gonna make it
to Los Angeles now.
Where are my ferns?
Where are the fer...
You animal!
My ferns!
My ferns!
They're ruined!
My ferns are ruined!
Zach, don't worry,
we can get you new ferns.
What am I thinking?
This is no way to get a talk show.
Driving around the country.
There's absolutely no way
we can make it to Los Angeles in time.
It's okay.
All we have to do
is just walk the nearest town...
I'm no good for you guys.
So, get away from me.
It's over. I'm going back home.
Zach, you can't give up.
I need you.
Yeah? Well, I can't do it any more.
So, leave.
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
We're going?
Are you sure?
The things you said are
Hanging in the middle of my mind
I can't turn them off
Okay, will you just stop filming, please?
You told me to get everything.
All right, thank you.
Please just turn the cam...
Brings me back here
Into the garden by the hand
You've always had me
Walking on a string
What can I get you?
Can I have an orange juice, please.
And, as you can see,
Jim is still in the lead,
but we did have to deduct 250 points
because, during the break,
our judges have ruled that Abraham Lincoln
There you go.
...was the 16th President
of the United States.
Tina, from Houston, Texas.
Texas, represent!
And you said you had a very special reason
for being here on the show tonight?
It's 'cause I'd love to take
my friends on a vacation.
They really deserve it
and they mean everything to me.
And I would love to show them
that I am not a failure,
and that I just appreciate them.
So you feel like a failure now?
Currently, yeah.
- But you wanna prove that you are not one?
- And I think I can do it today.
Well, Tina, you are down by quite a bit,
but you still have a chance
to catch up and win.
That's why we call this show...
Don't Give Up!
Don't give up.
Walking on a string
Can't escape it
- Carol!
- Zach!
- Oh, my God! Zach!
- There you are.
You were right.
I should never give up.
I just want to thank you
for believing in me.
No! Everything's fine, we found a guy
who's gonna take us to Los Angeles.
- He's gonna drive us.
- Get in the car!
- Yeah?
- Let's go, get in the car!
We're doing it! We're doing it!
Thanks, Chuck!
Go, go, go.
Bye! Thank you!
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
What time is it?
Anybody know what time it is?
- No!
- Nobody wears a watch anymore.
Come on.
Shit, go.
- Hey! You can't go in there.
- This way! This way!
Just burst in, just go, go, go!
Mr. Ferrell?
Mr. Ferrell, it's Zach Galifianakis,
from the internet show.
I've got those tapes that you wanted.
Jesus Christ!
What is that?
- It's a teeth whitener.
- Oh.
Gently place the bag on the floor
and kick it over to me.
Now, kick it as hard as you can
across the floor.
Keep kicking them.
That's as hard as you can kick?
- Do it.
- You can...
Ah! Fu...
Push it, if you have to.
They're all there.
Episode ten.
Nice job, Zachy Baby.
I knew you were gonna say
something like that. I told you right?
- Yeah, you did.
- I said "Zachy Baby," and he said it.
You completed your task.
And now...
you may leave.
You told me that
if I delivered those tapes,
you'd give me my own network talk show.
Our own talk show.
Are you forgetting the "pro"
of the quid pro quo?
I asked you to deliver
ten episodes of your show...
- Yeah.
- 9:00 a.m.
Yeah, it's 9:00 a.m.
It's before 9:00 a.m.
9:00 a.m...
Tokyo time!
Before the markets open!
I can't do anything with these!
They are worthless to me,
you fat idiot!
- How could we have known?
- There's no way...
It makes sense, though. Let's just go.
Let's just get out of here. I'm so...
Mr. Galifianakis?
Your television contract.
For one big, fancy network talk show.
What is this? What... what is this?
I was fucking with you!
- What, you mean...
- You know why I was fucking with you?
Because that's what celebrities
do to each other.
You were just Clooney-ed.
You won.
I'm getting my own network talk show?
You're about to be a TV star!
God Almighty!
- Yeah!
- On TV, not the internet?
My God! Zach!
- Yeah!
- You did it!
So exciting.
My two ferns...
you know, they were destroyed and...
I don't know if I can
do a show without them.
You sign that contract...
and I'll give you something
way better than two ferns.
Three ferns?
- Twenty?
- No, four ferns
Four fer...
- Four ferns?
- Four ferns!
Gaya! Come on!
Hi, welcome back, I'm Zachy G,
and you're watching
my first episode of...
Give it up for DJ Flop!
What's going on, Zachy G?
let's get to our very first guest ever.
According to Wikipedia,
she is 5 ft. 10,
and was born April 30th, 1985.
Please welcome our guest, Gal Gadot!
Oh, Gal!
- Hey! How are you?
- Hi.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much for having me.
Hey, everyone.
Oh, how wonderful is this?
Gal Gadot's here!
Thank you so much for having me,
and I'm so honored
to be the first guest on your first show.
I've never been someone's first before,
so that's...
All right, so, uh, Gal,
here comes my first question.
Now, Gal, you played Wonder Woman.
I'm wondering, woman,
how fun was that?
It was amazing, it was so much fun.
The ratings are solid
in all four quadrants.
A slight dip in seniors over 80,
but you make up for it
with pregnant mothers,
which technically
counts as watching for two.
Oh, hey, guys.
Can I have a minute with them?
You saw that, huh?
- Yeah, we did.
- Yeah.
What was that all about?
I thought it was so good!
I mean, did you see the chemistry
between me and Gal?
It was unbelievable,
the back-and-forth we had.
I don't think that's what Carol meant.
Yeah, it's different
from what you usually do.
Okay, yeah, all right, so,
Mr. Ferrell and I talked about the old me,
and the old me
is not gonna work for this, you guys.
This is the new me, this is the new ZG.
Celebrities don't wanna be insulted,
they just wanna talk
about their fascinating lives.
But, don't you kind of feel
like a sell-out?
Can you really call it a sell-out
when they give you a free Tesla
for doing the show?
That's literally
the definition of selling out.
Zach, do you really
wanna be like Will Ferrell?
Some washed-up has-been
who takes cameos in Hollywood movies
just to get another day's worth
of cocaine?
You know, I didn't even like you
before we took this trip to Hollywood,
but at least then I knew who you were.
I don't know who this person is
that you're pretending to be.
So, are you just saying that I should...
just forget everything? Just...
just drop my dreams, my childhood dreams?
Zach, we need you on set
to shoot promos for tomorrow's show.
Zach, we're leaving. We're going
to drive back to North Carolina.
Shirl called and said
they rebuilt the studio.
We can have our old jobs back.
Carol, you're the one
that told me never to give up.
I know, and I still believe in you, Zach,
this isn't you.
Zach? Are you coming?
Hey, guys!
Wait for me! I had to get my ferns.
- Zach!
- What?
We thought you chose the show over us?
What, just 'cause I walked
into the studio silently
without telling you what I was doing?
Have more faith.
Of course I'm going with you guys!
- You're coming?
- Yes!
- You're coming with us?
- Yes!
All right! Let's go. Let's go.
Carol, you were right.
Hollywood's not for us.
It has a need to sanitize everything,
to slap a happy ending on everything.
So, let's get out of here
and drive off into the sunset together.
'Cause all I need are my friends,
my show,
and my ferns.
We'll just get some new ones.
- I'll drive.
- Okay.
Bradley Co... Bradley Coper.
- Cooper. Yeah.
- Bradly Cooper co-wrote,
produced, directed
and starred in A Star Is Born.
I haven't seen it.
Are you hoping that will open doors
for other hot idiots?
It's such a good question!
So sorry.
- Oh...
- I'm so sorry.
Let's take that one back.
And, uh, we had this young woman,
heroic young woman, Malala...
uh, on the show,
and, um...
Known the world over,
not big in North America.
You, I can tell by that look
that you have no idea
who I'm talking about.
- Yeah, I know who you're talking about.
- Who?
Adam Carolla, is that who you said?
That's why I have this look on my face.
If you didn't have an accent,
do you think people would be able
to tell that you're not a very good actor?
Please keep going.
I read online that you're very private
and decline to answer questions
that make you feel uncomfortable.
This is a two-parter.
Is that true? And how old were you
when you got your period?
Do you ever go to the DMZ?
- No.
- It's a combination of TMZ and the DMV.
That's just a bunch of people...
sitting around...
talking about their drivers' licenses.
Talking about celebrity drivers' licenses.
"Oh, my gosh,
she's got a C-class on hers."
James Franco wears corrective lenses."
- You used to live in your car.
- Yeah.
Is it as fun as it sounds,
or is there a downside?
Would you say that your work
in La La Land
really helped pave the way
for white people
to explain jazz to black people?
All right. Let me get that out.
Sorry, you guys.
We'll be right back
with Who Gives A Shit?
I mean, what, did you
read something last night
and were so eager to come
tell a bunch of young people
about what you read?
Yes, I did.
I did do a lot of reading.
When you and Woody Harrelson
are acting in a scene together,
are you sad that somewhere
there's a sack not being hackied?
That's good.
"A sack not being hackied."
What was the marijuana budget
on True Detective?
And are you...
Have you smoked
a lot of that budget today?
Oh, shit.
- You know a guy that has a Tesla?
- Mm-hmm.
I won the EGOF.
- You know what an EGOT is?
- No.
Oh, an EGOT! Stupid!
It's amazing that this is even a thing.
Or this thing?
I wasn't talking about the EGOT!
I really...
I was talking about this. Exactly.
There's a kid on the Disney Channel.
Uh, Chad...
He's on one of...
Wizards Of Waverly Place.
- Your face...
- How does anybody do this?
- Sorry.
- Your face.
- Sorry.
- not helping.
Chad Far...
Do you hear that?
No, I don't hear anything.
That is the sound of everybody
talking about your performance
in Big Little Lies.
No one cares.
It's so mean!
Your parents got divorced
when you were seven.
Was that your fault?
And guess why?
They named their daughter
after a fucking piece of cheese.
Again, I'd like to thank
crystal meth Santa Claus for being here.
Don Draper's suit
hangs in the Smithsonian Museum
- Yes, it does.
- It's an honor.
- Yeah!
- Right next to the Cosby sweaters?
- Okay.
- No!
What advice would you
give to a young actor
who wants to hide his Jewishness
as well as you have?
You know what happens
when a Jewish guy
walks into a brick wall
with a full erection?
- What?
- He breaks his nose.
I knew that was the answer!
I did too, and I laughed!
- I've told that joke for 20...
- Did you just come up with the joke?
That's a joke you've told before?
that's the end of your movie, right?
Yeah. And cut.
Thanks, guys, thank you very much
for your time. Thank you.
Thank you so much for doing this. Uh...
I think it's gonna be good.
I hope my professor gives me an A.
Your professor?
What are you talking about?
Yeah, this is a student film.
I'm a student
at Appalachian State University.
Student film?
Yeah, I told you that at the beginning.
So, nobody's gonna see this?
Well, my professor's gonna see it.
And the students.
There's, like, 12 people in my class.
And I'll show my parents.
Get the fuck out of my office, please.
Excuse me?
Get the fudge out of my office, please.
I said "fuck" the first time, now I'm
saying "fudge" 'cause it's more polite,
but get the fuck out of my office.
Geez. Sorry.