BFFs (2025) Movie Script
1
[Glass shattering]
You're my best friend.
[Pop music]
You're my best friend
I love you so much that I
[Pop music]
[Music continues]
It is with a heavy heart.
We say goodbye to
Henry a good man,
a good friend who would
have made a good father.
Daddy.
Look. This is where he's gonna
sit up in the coffin
and yell, surprise!
Check this out. Here we go.
Right here it is.
Here it is.
Three. Two. One.
Cell block 242917.
Open up.
Let's go.
Klugman. Come on, let's go.
Gotta go.
See you, man.
State your name, please.
It's about Henry
Hartman, isn't it?
What would make you say that?
Do you want to talk about that?
Well, I mean, it's
a long time ago.
I don't remember everything.
I mean, it's the year
of the iPhone three.
So why don't you just start at
the beginning and tell us what
this is all about?
It was all about Anita.
It was all about Anita.
If you want to start
at the beginning.
You got to start with Gabe Bar.
My best friend.
My new baby was born
a dwarf.
A dwarf Henry!
It's just too hard.
Henry. I can't take it.
Please give me another chance.
Please Henry.
Gabe.
Um. I'm.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't have any idea about
these personal problems you're
having at home.
Let me see if I can get
Mr. Coogan to reconsider.
Wait here.
Gabriel Bar is involved in
three sexual
harassment lawsuits.
Padding insurance claims so
that he can pocket
the kickbacks.
This motherfucker is so fired.
What is your problem?
Well, he's crying in
my office right now.
The guy's got three sick little
kids, and one of them's a is is
a dwarf.
Does that have to do with
the price of weed in Mexico?
That motherfucker should have
thought about that shit before
he faxed Xerox copy of his
genitals to Shirley
Berg in accounting.
God.
I mean, who faxes a copy of
your dick when it's
this damn small?
It's the biggest
clitoris I've ever seen.
He's shameless.
Well, maybe we can offer
him some counseling.
Why don't you grow
some balls, man?
I mean, when did you
become such a pussy?
Look, man, you're
a nice guy, right?
Sometimes I think
you're too nice.
And you have to know that part
of your responsibility is being
a bad guy.
You need to enjoy it.
Embrace it.
You'll be amazed at
what can happen once you
wrap your mind
around your destiny.
I'm sorry, Mr. Barr, but we're
going to have to let you go.
Fuck you!
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
I could write you a
letter of reference.
You can take that
letter of reference and
shove it up your asshole.
You know what? If I,
kill my whole family.
And myself.
It's gonna be on your hands.
You hear me?
The blood lot will
be on your hands.
Henry Harmon.
So Gabe already worked there?
Well, yeah.
Sort of.
How long had it been
before you contacted Henry?
That's not the question.
The question is, what the hell
was Henry doing with his life?
I mean, every day
driving to work.
Driving from work.
Freaking Prius, suburban hell.
Coming home with flowers to
wife who doesn't love him
anymore and only
has sex in the dark.
I mean, if you ask me,
it's like Henry
was already dead.
Oh. They're beautiful.
Are you feeling guilty
about something?
What's her name?
Okay. You caught me.
So this is when you
sent him the package.
Package?
Oh. Oh, yeah.
No, no.
First came Ivan.
Henry Hartman.
My name is Ivan Nuss.
We've narrowed down the top
ten candidates for the regional
manager position in our office.
And you have been selected as
the number one candidate for
our corporate
office in San Diego.
San Diego regional manager.
What made you call me?
Look, no need to get into all
the details just yet, but if
you are interested,
keep this on the DL.
Tell no one.
Not your boss, not
your wife, no one.
I don't have to
fire anybody, do I?
Heck no brother.
San Diego.
Well.
All of our family is here.
And our friends and
everything we love.
Well, your friends are here.
I don't want to move to San
Diego and leave Phoenix when
I'm about to have a baby.
What's this?
I have no idea.
Open it up, San Diego.
What is this, a penis
enlargement pump?
It smells like baby oil.
Oh, God, it's been used.
-Oh my God.
-Oh my God.
Oh, wait.
No no no, don't throw
it might work.
As you all know.
Senior drivers have now
surpassed teenage males as the
number one hazard on the road.
I propose all our motorists
over the age of 75 be required
to take quarterly driving tests
to maintain their coverage.
Quarterly, huh?
AARP is going to love that one.
I'm sure we won't be
hearing from their lawyers.
Henry, do you have
an urgent phone call?
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
This is Agent William Ding with
the Internal Revenue Service
defrauding the government.
It's a very serious crime, sir.
Defrauding the government.
You are under arrest for
defrauding the United
States government.
Put your hands on your head!
Turn around!
Slowly!
Okay. Okay, okay.
Jerry Klugman.
[Laughter]
Agent William Ding.
Call me Bill.
Bill Ding.
After all these years.
F-minus MOFO.
Building.
This is beautiful.
How did you find me?
Oh, well, actually, I'm.
A lawyer with the Department
of Homeland Security now.
Wow.
Did you write The great
American novel yet?
Um, I'm actually in H.R..
Oh, no.
Henry. No, no, no.
We used to make fun
of those assholes.
Yeah, I know, don't
get me started, please.
Oh, hey.
Remember when we used to make
fun of salesmen who would tell
jokes with no punch lines?
Yeah, and all the fake
laughing they would do.
Yeah.
Hey, hey, are you throwing two
fish tacos and some rum punch
and, uh, you got
yourself a deal.
[Laughter]
Ah, shit.
Man, I thought I'd be
buying your book by now.
Yeah, I didn't, uh, it didn't
quite work out that way.
Uh, you know, in
college, the world.
Mhm.
Yeah. Hey.
I gotta go.
But I took the liberty of
writing my, uh, my home phone
number, my cell phone number,
and my dick size on there too.
So we'll make it happen in
the next week or two for sure.
Wait a minute.
Did you send me with the
tube and the?
Confidential.
I gave it a little test pump.
Luckily, I don't need it.
That's why I gave it to you.
You ass.
By the way.
Unsorted.
So then you say you worked
at Homeland Security.
Hey, that was true.
But not as a lawyer.
You were part of
the custodial staff.
Federal offense, number two.
Anyway,
around that time is when Henry
invited me over to his house
for dinner.
And that's when you meet
Dora for the first time.
But more importantly,
that's when Henry met Anita.
Oh, we pulled all kinds of
pranks, like super gluing
chains to the ground or
Vaseline on the toilet seat.
Yeah.
Have a sense of humor.
God damn it.
It is true, though, people.
Do need to lighten up.
Yeah, honey, that's
what you need.
You need to lighten up a little.
Just a little bit.
I know it's true.
Here's a toast.
To the old days.
Hear, hear.
Who wants dessert?
-Me.
-Easy on the sweets, big boy.
Um. Anyone?
I'm good. Thank you.
Want one.
Go on.
No.
I'll be back, guys.
I'm gonna use the shitter.
You have fun.
All right.
So, Anita, we've been
yammering on all night.
I don't even think I
know what it is you do.
I'm a dancer.
Great. Like ballet.
Are you with a company like
the Joffrey or something?
No, I'm an exotic dancer.
That's nice.
That's why I'm so body
conscious, you know?
I have to be.
It's my livelihood.
Whoa!
4% body fat.
I bust my ass to keep this ass.
Is that right?
Go on, touch it.
-No.
-Feel it.
No, no.
Oh.
You think it's too big?
No.
No.
See, you look soft, but you can
bounce a quarter of 50ft off of
this thing.
Come on.
Come on.
Touch it, touch it.
Like a rock.
That's great.
I can definitely tell
you exercise.
You and Jerry are BFFs.
I guess that makes
you my BFF to.
Jerry said you were the
only one who could get him.
That you would lull him to
sleep and then get
him with a doozy.
Can I confide something in you?
Oh, don't tell Jerry
I'm a stripper, though.
He thinks I'm only a
veterinary assistant.
I had fun tonight.
I had no idea you had such
a wild, reckless youth.
You know, in those
days, I was a real doer.
When I wanted something, I just
reached out and grabbed it.
I never asked for permission.
Like when I pursued you.
Yeah, I remember.
What the hell happened?
Hey! My frat ring.
Oh, my God.
What? Is it the baby?
Honey, are you trying
to make me sick?
What are you talking about?
I'm staring at your shit.
What? What are you.
What do you mean?
Look.
Oh.
[Laughter]
What?
Uh, that's Jerry's shit.
Yeah, he used to do
that all the time.
He's a dick.
That's gross.
Yeah, that's the idea.
[Radio chatter]
Now here's all your news
headlines, weather and traffic.
It's the top of the hour
at 3 a.m. And now.
3 a.m.?
3?
3 a.m.?
[Shouting]
A strike is such a drag in
baseball, but oh so sweet of
victory in bowling.
Like dribbling great
on a basketball court.
Not so good on a pillow.
That's my Jerry.
You're so good with your balls.
Don't you forget it baby.
Cause there ain't no
gravity up in this house.
Looking out the window.
Get over here.
It's heavy.
I'm just looking at her bowl.
Okay, okay, okay.
All right.
That's all right.
That's why they give you two.
That's why they
give you two, baby.
Hey, Hemingway.
Look at that behind.
An ass like that doesn't fart.
It sings like a
chorus of angels.
And when it does fart, it
smells like freshly
baked cookies.
Not bad, not bad, not bad.
Not bad, not bad.
Not so bad.
It's your turn.
Hey, wait wait wait wait.
Whoa! Hello.
Hi. Hey, listen, before you,
uh, before you take your turn,
I have an announcement to make.
We're getting hitched.
What?
Come here you.
I'll wait for you.
I'll call you later. Okay?
Great.
Very friendly.
You're so good.
I'm so happy for you guys.
I owe this all to
you, old friend.
I saw how happy you were with
your beautiful wife and your
baby to be, and I.
I thought I had to break off
a little piece for myself.
I want my best friend
to be my best man.
Are you kidding?
Jerry, I'm.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm. I'm honored.
Is that a yes? Okay.
Yes.
Of course.
And. Hey, look.
That's my boy.
Kappa delta.
Wow!
We did that every day.
Hey hey hey hey hey hey.
Enough of this frat shit.
Let's bowl, let's bowl.
Honey, don't strain anything.
I got it.
You got it, you got it.
[Cheering]
Gear up, nerd-a-chino.
Let's see what you
can do with your.
Well. Shall we?
No what the?
[Laughter]
I got you.
I got him, I got ya.
Chalk. Good one.
It's a one pointer, you
know, maybe 1.5.
I was up all night
cutting those things.
You should have seen your face.
It was hilarious.
[Laughter]
Sir, I've been
exploiting your mark.
Well done, grasshopper.
Okay, I got this.
[Glass shattering]
[Screaming]
Uh, we're gonna
need to clean up.
Bobby. Clean up.
So was the engagement
part of the game, too?
You don't do that to a bro.
You don't ask a bro to be your
best man in a wedding, and you
don't mean it.
Hey, hey, I did mean it.
It wasn't a joke.
And even if it was a joke,
it got Henry writing again.
[Dramatic music]
Francisco's too tall and
powerful, shielded
by a simple banister.
He overlooked his courtyard
with disapproving eyes.
Respect would have to be earned.
He addressed the crowd.
All of my life
I've lived a story.
I knew in my heart the truth.
But ah,
the truth is often
hard to confront.
All my life I've lived
a charrade.
I knew in my heart the truth.
I was afraid to admit it.
For fear of being ostracized.
[Phone ringing]
No matter how much I
clean, I still feel dirty.
How are you, Henry?
Henry.
Henry. Henry.
Wanna come clean?
What the hell is going on here?
It's Adolf Hitler
confirming lunch.
I'm having lunch with Jerry
at Shanghai Gardens, and I'm
rigging up a fake
fortune cookie for him.
What's funnier?
Confucius say Jerry's gay.
Or fuck you, bitch.
I thought this whole time you
were painting the baby's room.
I'll get to it.
I'll get to it.
I'll see you upstairs.
Mm. Good night.
Good night.
You two are geeks.
Oh no no no no.
Oh my God.
Oh my God!
Stanley!
Henry!
Henry!
I love you.
Henry!
Henry!
I love you.
Henry.
Henry,
I love you.
Henry.
I love you.
Henry.
Henry.
Henry. Love
you.
Who sent me this?
I don't know.
It was here on your desk
when I arrived this morning.
There are no funny
notes or anything.
No.
No funny notes.
So you cut a giant penis out
of his hedges, and then you
emptied his gas tank while he
drove his pregnant wife across
the desert.
When you put it that
way, it sounds horrible.
[Pop music]
And then Henry went to visit
you at Homeland Security.
Buttermilk.
Well.
Henry freaked out at
Homeland Security.
You have a meeting
in 15 minutes.
Cancel it.
My name is Henry Hartmann.
I'm here to see Jerry Klugman.
I'm sorry, sir, but unless you
have prior clearance, I can't
let you see Mr. Klugman.
[Phone ringing]
If you want my advice.
Try a slice.
This is Pepa-roni speaking.
What'll it be?
I was standing behind
you the whole time.
Hey, good job Ann.
How was the weekend?
You've taken things way too far.
Hey, hey.
Not here, okay. In my office.
In my office.
Access granted.
[Pop music]
Access granted.
Come on.
[Pop music]
Henry!
Access granted.
Come on.
I've had it, Jerry.
A joke's a joke.
But now you've taken
things way too far.
You siphon the gas out of my
car, walk for hours because
there's no cell phone
reception in Bumblefuck.
It's funny.
And that my car got
towed to a light.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying when your
car ran out of gas, you
guys started walking?
Of course we started walking.
How the.
What?
Henry,
the gas can was in your trunk.
What?
The gas can I put it
back in your trunk.
I never thought for a moment
that you'd never
check your trunk.
Um.
The gas tank was in my trunk.
Yeah.
You gotta admit,
it's a little funny.
No, it's not funny, Jerry.
There's nothing
funny about this.
Ah.
What the.
I had nothing to
do with that rat.
Oh, come on, Jerry.
On my mother's eyes.
I did not send you
a gift wrapped
dead rat in a mini suit.
No, I have a stressful job, and
it's pissing Dora off big time.
You're serious about that?
I just thought we were having
a little bit of fun, you know?
I thought we could
relive the old days.
Apparently not.
Not is right.
Fine. Are we still buds, though?
Yes, we're still buds.
But I gotta get back to work.
Hey, hey.
Come on, hug it out, bitch.
That's it.
That's it. Little closer.
All right.
Come on.
A lot of gay jokes.
Makes me think this
wasn't really about Anita.
Maybe Jerry was in
love with Henry.
Then you had your little date.
The Chinese restaurant.
That day.
I asked you to come
to lunch today.
It's about Anita.
I think she might be
seeing someone else.
I know, and I know it
sounds totally crazy, but
since we moved to Phoenix,
she's been totally different.
She's distant.
She's always texting
somebody late at night.
I could always use my Homeland
Security access to check her
text records.
You know what?
Her emails.
You know all that shit.
Paranoid. Absolutely.
Do not check her phone records.
That is an invasion
of her privacy.
And that is an abuse
of your position.
It's just that I love her.
I don't want to lose her.
You're the closest
thing I have to a brother.
I mean, aside from
my other brothers.
But you're more like a real
brother to me than
those six assholes.
I'm so glad we reconnected.
Me, too.
You really think
I'm being paranoid?
She said yes, didn't she?
Yeah.
There you go.
So now let's.
Whatever these things
say is 100% true.
-Ready?
-Ready.
-Ready?
-Ready.
You first.
Okay.
The one you love
loves you even more.
Is that perfect or what?
You know what?
Uh, you take mine
because I'm okay.
You love Chinese food?
What's the problem.
I fucked your eggroll.
That's not true.
It is in this spirit that I
want you all to
know that I am a,
that I am a.
That I am,
a
b c d e f g.
Henry. How's it hanging?
Oh. Hey, bud.
It is in this spirit that I
want everyone to know that I am.
I am a man.
I am flesh and blood.
And she's my.
Devotion is my.
I love her.
Okay. Resume past.
Listen, man, I'm sure Phoenix
is treating you great, but when
I arrived at San Diego, I felt
like I could really breathe.
-Ivan get off your phone.
-Bro.
I'm gonna get back
to you next week.
The time for the Phoenix
chapter. Then San Diego.
Now, to review the human
resources budget in greater
detail is everybody's
best friend, Darth Henry.
Thanks, boss.
Thanks, boss.
Hello. Hi.
Um.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Uh, orange.
Orange who?
Um, orange.
You glad that you
still have jobs?
As you all know, New Century
is going through their annual
cycle of budget cuts.
And I have a report here.
Cutbacks, unfortunately, are
going to have to be deeper this
year, which is indicated
in the following analysis.
I'm actually going to ask you
to pass these out to the group
if you would.
[Explosion]
The videos.
From Anita.
So did you know that
Anita was a stripper?
You know that I didn't.
That's terrible.
Nobody should do this.
Why didn't you guys stop me?
Why would we?
If I had a nickel for every
time I saw someone as beautiful
as you, I would have $0.05.
[Pop music]
Hey, bud.
You see how those
people look at you?
Yeah.
That's a look of fear.
You're like that kid in
that Twilight Zone episode.
Everybody's afraid you're going
to send them out
to the cornfield.
Is that why you got his
best friend fired at work?
Jealous?
Guys, I'm not jealous
of a work friend.
Bud was head of security.
I just couldn't
have him in the way.
He's gotta go.
I don't care what it is.
He's gotta go.
Bud is one of our
best investigators.
In fact, Bud saved us more
money than all our other
investigators combined.
Yeah, well, not this time.
I just had to write a $2
million check to that murdering
bitch, Emily Schlossberg,
because of his shoddy
detective work.
I don't know what
happened to Bud.
Maybe he's lost his edge.
Maybe he's got that disease
that old people get where they
can't remember nothing.
What is it called?
Alzheimer's.
Right. Fire his ass for that.
This ain't my first midget toss.
If you need to fire me, fire me.
Do your worst.
Henry, I'm so sorry.
You're needed in
the conference room.
Right away.
Mr. Hartman.
Detective Stewart Pitt.
Phoenix PD.
This is my partner,
Detective Cass.
We'd like to ask you a few
questions about Gabriel Barr.
We understand you had fired
Mr. Barr a few months ago.
Why was he fired.
Is he in any kind of trouble?
He killed his entire
family two nights ago.
If I kill my whole family
and myself,
it's gonna be on your hands.
Show him Jack.
It's a gruesome scene.
There was a baby, a midget baby.
He left a note.
He left the.
Get the.
You're a dirty,
dirty, dirty rat.
We just wanted to notify
you just in case he tried to
contact you in any way.
[Fart noises]
Jerry, I'm here with two
detectives from the Phoenix
Police Department.
You're on speakerphone.
No speak English.
Jerry, do you happen
to still have that box?
Box with the dead rat in
the mini suit that you
accused me of giving you?
No, Henry, I threw
that out as soon as you left.
I was afraid of that.
Hey, pal.
I don't know who those police
are over there, but those
clowns give you any trouble.
You remember your friend works
at Homeland Security, Jerry.
Jerry we're going to
have to run. Sorry.
Oh, wait Henry.
Listed pal.
We got to get
together again soon.
I miss you, amigo.
Now let's go and sell
more crack
and fuck more minors,
like we did last time.
[Pop music]
Oh, Grace.
Will you please give me direct
access to Henry Hartman's
personal computer?
Access granted.
Thank you.
He's he's he's kidding
about the crack.
Francisco's Plight.
Oh, my.
Son of a bitch.
It's unlikely he'll
come back to Phoenix.
But if you do hear anything
or see anything, make sure you
contact us.
We're available at these
numbers 24 over seven.
Have a nice day.
What's the matter?
Training bra squeezing your
nipples too tight?
By the way, I fired Budd Conley.
Seeing you as too big
of a bitch to do it.
You're skating on thin ice.
Another federal offense.
After that, Harry got paranoid.
He didn't talk to me for weeks.
Sensors on the outer perimeter.
They will detect any.
Movement of any
creature over 45 pounds.
Floodlights will come on.
The alarm will sound.
The cops will show up.
Anyone tries to get
through a window, a door.
Same thing.
Floodlights, alarm.
Cops. This is your quick engage
wireless keychain remote.
Okay, you can turn on and
off the alarm by hitting this
button on and off.
Or you can use
your control panel.
Your code is star 1469.
Commit that to memory.
A couple more
questions, Mr. Noria.
That's my father's name.
Call me Guy.
Guy. Is it possible for
a tech savvy murderer?
No no no no, no one can get to
this alarm except
a professional.
A DoD certified
installation expert.
Rest assured, we are law
enforcement trained
and FBI screened.
If we're sound asleep and the
alarm goes off, will we be able
to hear it?
[Alarm]
You do it!
Error, let's try once more.
Error. Error.
Code!
Faster!
Error.
-One four.
-Six nine.
Error.
-Star one.
-One four six nine.
Error!
One. Four. Six.
Faster!
-Six.
-Nine.
Nine.
[Alarm stops]
Any questions?
Oh my God, listen to yourself.
You're talking about
fleeing Phoenix.
You need to empower yourself.
You need to have the
total internal shifting.
[Phone ringing]
Who is it?
It's just Stanley confirming
a meeting tomorrow.
And your original deposition.
You never mentioned that Henry
was having an affair with your
stepmom back in college.
I didn't kill Henry because
he slept with my stepmom.
Still, it must have hurt to
be the only one in Kappa Delta
Gamma who didn't know that
Henry was plowing your mom.
Is this the way you're
supposed to talk to me?
God.
You know what?
Why don't you write a letter to
the chief of police
and complain?
Why didn't you write a
letter to your stepmom?
Very, very uncomfortable.
Very, very uncomfortable.
[Spanish music]
An evil,
wild,
bull.
Is there a problem?
[Alarm]
Error. Let's try once more.
Error.
Error.
What?
One four six.
What?
Star one four!
Star! One! Four! Six!
One four!
Six. Nine.
Six. Nine.
Is a murderer here yet?
[Police sirens]
It's okay, guys.
It's okay.
False alarm.
It's actually my house.
It's totally fine.
Totally fine.
Six foot two, heavyset.
Situation seems to
be under control.
And then he called
the police on me.
Henry was dead 48 hours later.
Yeah, but not before he tried
to hook up with my fiancee.
[Dance music]
Let's go, let's go
Do you want to see it
Do you want to touch it
Do you want to suck it
Lollipop
Lollipop. Lollipop
Lollipop
Hey, handsome man, do
you want a lap dance?
I don't bite, I suck.
Lollipop. Lollipop
Lollipop. Lollipop
How many licks does it take
till you get to the center
Cold in your mouth hole
like it froze in the winter
Honey, I'm so glad
you contacted me.
Somewhere private.
Jerry's been relocated to
Indonesia and he asked me to go
with him.
The other thing I
need to tell you.
Jerry found the video messages.
But don't worry.
I told him they were
for an ex-boyfriend.
I don't know when you
grabbed my ass at your house.
I mean, that was.
I did not grab your ass.
You grabbed my hand
and put it on your ass.
Wait. No, wait.
You started when you grabbed
my ass at your house.
I did not grab your ass.
I did not grab your ass.
You started to grab my ass.
You put it on your ass.
Henry. You're right.
All my life I've been lying to
people and leading
a double life.
Now, from this moment,
it's a new Anita.
This cat will play.
No.
Thank you.
Sir. Drop this.
No.
Woah woah.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Thank you.
Henry.
Hey.
Um.
Looks like I dropped this too.
Henry.
I'm finding this.
Oh, wait a minute.
Did she really like him?
I thought you set this up.
I don't know, you'd
have to ask Anita.
She went rogue on
me at this point.
Indonesia was real.
The real place.
Come on.
It's gotta hurt a little.
Henry was dead on March 13th.
Is his birthday on March 12th.
So was that a coincidence?
Or is that when things
got out of control?
By Henry.
Look, I know it's a
day early but,
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Henry
Happy birthday to you
I know you're still mad, but
just give me a call, okay?
Give me a call.
Just give me a call.
I'm gonna keep texting you.
[Pop music]
[Laughter]
Why are you in such a good mood?
All we are saying
Is give peace a chance.
What I'm trying to say is
Peas forgive me.
Pretty peas.
With sugar on top.
Anita quit her job at
the clinic last night.
And she came home and
she gave me an ultimatum.
She said if we're really going
to make our relationship work,
I have to grow up.
I can't say I disagree.
More importantly, we have to
start being 1,000% honest with
each other.
Also, I'm moving to Indonesia.
I may never see you again.
After some tears and
some shots of tequila,
she said that they probably
have lots of animals in
Indonesia and finally
agreed to come with me.
I don't know.
Come here.
You better not be putting
a sign on my back.
Sayonara.
Henry.
Call for you on line one.
Ivan Nuss.
Meeting set for tomorrow,
8 a.m. sharp.
It's just a formality meeting
with the regional managers.
And then you coming
to San Diego?
Ivan, tell your
friend to come here.
Hang on.
Listen, there is one thing.
These guys are real
sticklers for time.
So whatever you
do, don't be late.
Have a great rest
of your day, pal.
You too. Bye bye.
Peas forgive me.
[Explosion]
Henry Mr. Coogan's
office immediately.
What's the matter?
As if you didn't know.
It's not funny, Hartman.
It's not funny at all.
[Laughter]
Hey, Coogan.
This is from Henry.
You're fired.
You are so fucking fired.
I want you out of
my goddamn office.
I want you out of my building.
You gonna run now?
Oh, I see you!
Motherfucker!
Get his ass out of here!
He's on line five right now.
What?
Henry.
Henry.
Henry.
I love you.
The peas are for the Altoids.
The mud wrestlers
are for my stepmom.
And the sugar is for Anita.
[Explosion]
And then the shit hit the fan.
Why is everyone always
mad at me?
Dora.
Dora.
Dora.
Dora.
Dora, what is going on?
How could you Henry?
How could you do this?
Do what?
What the hell are
you talking about?
That.
These are not what
they look like.
Bullshit.
Dora.
Wait a minute.
She's in on it, too.
She's in on it, too.
Look at these emails.
Look at these fucking emails.
I am not an idiot.
Those are from your email
address saying how much you
love her.
Oh, Anita, your ass is so sexy.
Oh, Anita, last
night was so magical.
Oh, Anita, you give way
better blowjobs than my wife.
Fuck you.
Dora. It's all
part of his prank.
He knows how to hack
into my email account.
He knows how to make it look
like I wrote those things, too.
You gotta believe me.
I love you, baby.
I love you.
Henry, maybe it is all
just another prank.
Or maybe it's not.
I don't know, I don't know
what to believe anymore.
I don't want this for my baby.
Dora.
Dora Hartmann.
I'm not available.
Please leave a message
after the beep.
Dora.
It's Henry.
Left you a lot of messages.
I love you.
I love you.
I hate you Jerry Klugman.
I hate you Jerry Klugman!
I hate you Jerry Klugman!
I will get you for this.
I will get you for this.
I will get you for this.
So whatever you
do. Don't be late!
Ah.
[Shouting]
Ah.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Piece of shit!
Burglar alarm.
Ow!
Ow ow ow!
[Pop music]
[Alarm]
Error. If you are in danger.
Call 911 immediately.
[Alarm]
[Glass shattering]
Don't be late!
I have a very strong work ethic.
Mr. Hartmann, Ivan Nuss here.
I just got off the
phone with potential.
I don't know what you said
in there, but they love you.
I really need this job.
I've been the victim of a
very cruel practical joke.
I have no way to dial a phone.
Thank you.
Listen, they want you in San
Diego tomorrow to
meet the big boss.
Be ready for an airport
pickup at 6 a.m..
Just sit back and relax.
For one hour.
Mr. Hartmann.
Welcome to San Diego.
My name is Jose.
I'll be driving you straight to
Prudential headquarters today.
Thank you.
Jose.
I got you a fresh cup of coffee.
Oh.
And on the seat you'll find
a packet of information.
You have to read through it
all and fill out all pertinent
information before we
reach Prudential Plaza.
Geez.
Read through all this.
That's just what
they tell me, sir.
Man, that's good coffee.
Well, thank you very much, sir.
I do try my best.
[Piano music]
Whoa!
Henry. So glad things
worked out the way they did.
I've spoken with the San Diego
office, and they are elated to
be meeting with
you this morning.
Sorry we couldn't meet in
person, but, uh, as of today,
I'll be leaving the corporate
world and returning to my
previous profession
and first great love.
Danger seeker
parasailing instructor.
I've included a congratulatory
gift free lesson with purchase
of timeshare.
Very truly yours.
Ivan A. Nuss.
P.S. I hope you
had a good sleep.
Ivan A. Nuss.
Ivan Anus!
Ivan Anus!
Jerry!
Turn this limousine
around right now.
Jose Canyousee.
[Laughter]
Jose Canyousee!
How can I be so stupid?
How could I have been so stupid?
Stupid stupid stupid stupid.
[Laughter]
Ivan A. Nuss!
Ivan A. Nuss!
[Shouting]
[Shouting]
[Alarm]
Detective Pitt.
Detective Pitt.
Is dragging someone
a crime?
Is kidnaping a crime?
Is transporting them
across international borders
against their will a crime?
Yes.
That's hard to believe.
[Pop music]
Hey!
What is wrong with you?
You've ruined my whole life.
You blew up my car.
You blew up my car!
It's my step mom all over again.
I spent money to
help you loosen up.
Some two bit hacking jacket.
I'll have two fish tacos
and some rum punch.
Asshole!
[Shouting]
[Shouting]
Henry Hartman, you dirty rat!
Who the fuck is this guy?
Who the fuck are you?
You know what?
Shut the fuck up.
I got two bullets in this gun.
One for you and one for me.
[Speaking Spanish]
[Police sirens]
Hang on.
-Drop your weapon!
-Drop it right now!
Put the gun down, sir.
I didn't do this.
This wasn't me.
Shut up and put the gun down.
This. No. This isn't.
You don't understand.
Put the gun down.
[Gunshots]
Everybody okay?
Oh, my God, you shot him!
I had no choice.
He wasn't following
your command.
He leveled a weapon at you.
Wait, are you guys real cops or?
What the hell kind of
question is that?
Sit down, sir.
You're wounded.
-Who are you guys?
-Phoenix P.D.
We've already radioed
for an ambulance.
It's a fucking squib, Webb.
What the hell's going on here?
Squib.
You shot Henry.
Calm down.
You fucking shot Henry!
That language isn't
helping anybody.
Henry.
Henry.
A prank.
Then that would mean.
Gabe Barr.
Gabe Barr.
Yeah. Geithner.
Guy, Guy Noria.
Mr. Noria is my father's name.
Call me Guy.
Guy Noria.
Stu Pitt.
Detective Stuart
Pitt, Phoenix PD.
This is my partner,
Detective Cass.
Jack Cass.
Show him Jack.
Anita Goodbonein,
Anita Goodbonein.
Anita Goodbonein.
I was gonna take it all the
way up to the funeral.
And from my coffin I was
going to yell surprise.
It's gonna be hilarious.
It wasn't supposed to
end like this Henry.
Come here.
And so it is with a heavy heart.
We say goodbye to Henry, a good
man, a good friend who would
have made a good father.
Look, this is where
he's going to
sit up in the coffin
and yell, surprise!
Check this out.
Here we go.
Right here it is.
Three. Two. One.
If any of you would like to
spend your last moments with
Henry, please pay your
respects to the coffin now.
You can't fool me, asshole.
Henry. Henry.
Henry. Henry.
And that's it.
So what I don't understand is,
how did Phoenix P.D.
get there so fast?
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Why am I here?
We've been over this, remeber?
Show, Jerry, what we got?
We got an anonymous package
with some new evidence from,
uh, Honolulu, Hawaii.
You might want to
watch that and,
enjoy.
Jerry says you were the
only one who could get him.
That you would lull
him to sleep,
and then get him with a doozey.
Honolulu, Hawaii.
H H.
Honolulu, Hawaii.
Honolulu, Hawaii.
How?
Henry!
[Laughter]
Yeah so my stepmom.
It is really my stepmom.
When she was my stepmom, I
never looked at
her that way again.
Um, you know, it was just one.
Because I didn't murder Henry.
Can I go now?
You're not here for murder.
You're here for impersonating
a Homeland security lawyer.
Federal crime.
Email hacking.
State crime.
Mail fraud.
International crime.
Falsifying work orders
to undercover operatives.
-Extortion.
-Kidnaping.
Racketeering.
Conspiracy.
Human trafficking.
Breaking and entering.
Misappropriation of funds.
Economic interference.
Electronic incursion.
Kidnaping.
Federal crime.
State crime.
International crime.
For conspiracy to
harm an employee
of an insurance company.
Is that even a real charge?
[Glass shattering]
You're my best friend.
[Pop music]
You're my best friend
I love you so much that I
[Pop music]
[Music continues]
It is with a heavy heart.
We say goodbye to
Henry a good man,
a good friend who would
have made a good father.
Daddy.
Look. This is where he's gonna
sit up in the coffin
and yell, surprise!
Check this out. Here we go.
Right here it is.
Here it is.
Three. Two. One.
Cell block 242917.
Open up.
Let's go.
Klugman. Come on, let's go.
Gotta go.
See you, man.
State your name, please.
It's about Henry
Hartman, isn't it?
What would make you say that?
Do you want to talk about that?
Well, I mean, it's
a long time ago.
I don't remember everything.
I mean, it's the year
of the iPhone three.
So why don't you just start at
the beginning and tell us what
this is all about?
It was all about Anita.
It was all about Anita.
If you want to start
at the beginning.
You got to start with Gabe Bar.
My best friend.
My new baby was born
a dwarf.
A dwarf Henry!
It's just too hard.
Henry. I can't take it.
Please give me another chance.
Please Henry.
Gabe.
Um. I'm.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't have any idea about
these personal problems you're
having at home.
Let me see if I can get
Mr. Coogan to reconsider.
Wait here.
Gabriel Bar is involved in
three sexual
harassment lawsuits.
Padding insurance claims so
that he can pocket
the kickbacks.
This motherfucker is so fired.
What is your problem?
Well, he's crying in
my office right now.
The guy's got three sick little
kids, and one of them's a is is
a dwarf.
Does that have to do with
the price of weed in Mexico?
That motherfucker should have
thought about that shit before
he faxed Xerox copy of his
genitals to Shirley
Berg in accounting.
God.
I mean, who faxes a copy of
your dick when it's
this damn small?
It's the biggest
clitoris I've ever seen.
He's shameless.
Well, maybe we can offer
him some counseling.
Why don't you grow
some balls, man?
I mean, when did you
become such a pussy?
Look, man, you're
a nice guy, right?
Sometimes I think
you're too nice.
And you have to know that part
of your responsibility is being
a bad guy.
You need to enjoy it.
Embrace it.
You'll be amazed at
what can happen once you
wrap your mind
around your destiny.
I'm sorry, Mr. Barr, but we're
going to have to let you go.
Fuck you!
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
I could write you a
letter of reference.
You can take that
letter of reference and
shove it up your asshole.
You know what? If I,
kill my whole family.
And myself.
It's gonna be on your hands.
You hear me?
The blood lot will
be on your hands.
Henry Harmon.
So Gabe already worked there?
Well, yeah.
Sort of.
How long had it been
before you contacted Henry?
That's not the question.
The question is, what the hell
was Henry doing with his life?
I mean, every day
driving to work.
Driving from work.
Freaking Prius, suburban hell.
Coming home with flowers to
wife who doesn't love him
anymore and only
has sex in the dark.
I mean, if you ask me,
it's like Henry
was already dead.
Oh. They're beautiful.
Are you feeling guilty
about something?
What's her name?
Okay. You caught me.
So this is when you
sent him the package.
Package?
Oh. Oh, yeah.
No, no.
First came Ivan.
Henry Hartman.
My name is Ivan Nuss.
We've narrowed down the top
ten candidates for the regional
manager position in our office.
And you have been selected as
the number one candidate for
our corporate
office in San Diego.
San Diego regional manager.
What made you call me?
Look, no need to get into all
the details just yet, but if
you are interested,
keep this on the DL.
Tell no one.
Not your boss, not
your wife, no one.
I don't have to
fire anybody, do I?
Heck no brother.
San Diego.
Well.
All of our family is here.
And our friends and
everything we love.
Well, your friends are here.
I don't want to move to San
Diego and leave Phoenix when
I'm about to have a baby.
What's this?
I have no idea.
Open it up, San Diego.
What is this, a penis
enlargement pump?
It smells like baby oil.
Oh, God, it's been used.
-Oh my God.
-Oh my God.
Oh, wait.
No no no, don't throw
it might work.
As you all know.
Senior drivers have now
surpassed teenage males as the
number one hazard on the road.
I propose all our motorists
over the age of 75 be required
to take quarterly driving tests
to maintain their coverage.
Quarterly, huh?
AARP is going to love that one.
I'm sure we won't be
hearing from their lawyers.
Henry, do you have
an urgent phone call?
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
This is Agent William Ding with
the Internal Revenue Service
defrauding the government.
It's a very serious crime, sir.
Defrauding the government.
You are under arrest for
defrauding the United
States government.
Put your hands on your head!
Turn around!
Slowly!
Okay. Okay, okay.
Jerry Klugman.
[Laughter]
Agent William Ding.
Call me Bill.
Bill Ding.
After all these years.
F-minus MOFO.
Building.
This is beautiful.
How did you find me?
Oh, well, actually, I'm.
A lawyer with the Department
of Homeland Security now.
Wow.
Did you write The great
American novel yet?
Um, I'm actually in H.R..
Oh, no.
Henry. No, no, no.
We used to make fun
of those assholes.
Yeah, I know, don't
get me started, please.
Oh, hey.
Remember when we used to make
fun of salesmen who would tell
jokes with no punch lines?
Yeah, and all the fake
laughing they would do.
Yeah.
Hey, hey, are you throwing two
fish tacos and some rum punch
and, uh, you got
yourself a deal.
[Laughter]
Ah, shit.
Man, I thought I'd be
buying your book by now.
Yeah, I didn't, uh, it didn't
quite work out that way.
Uh, you know, in
college, the world.
Mhm.
Yeah. Hey.
I gotta go.
But I took the liberty of
writing my, uh, my home phone
number, my cell phone number,
and my dick size on there too.
So we'll make it happen in
the next week or two for sure.
Wait a minute.
Did you send me with the
tube and the?
Confidential.
I gave it a little test pump.
Luckily, I don't need it.
That's why I gave it to you.
You ass.
By the way.
Unsorted.
So then you say you worked
at Homeland Security.
Hey, that was true.
But not as a lawyer.
You were part of
the custodial staff.
Federal offense, number two.
Anyway,
around that time is when Henry
invited me over to his house
for dinner.
And that's when you meet
Dora for the first time.
But more importantly,
that's when Henry met Anita.
Oh, we pulled all kinds of
pranks, like super gluing
chains to the ground or
Vaseline on the toilet seat.
Yeah.
Have a sense of humor.
God damn it.
It is true, though, people.
Do need to lighten up.
Yeah, honey, that's
what you need.
You need to lighten up a little.
Just a little bit.
I know it's true.
Here's a toast.
To the old days.
Hear, hear.
Who wants dessert?
-Me.
-Easy on the sweets, big boy.
Um. Anyone?
I'm good. Thank you.
Want one.
Go on.
No.
I'll be back, guys.
I'm gonna use the shitter.
You have fun.
All right.
So, Anita, we've been
yammering on all night.
I don't even think I
know what it is you do.
I'm a dancer.
Great. Like ballet.
Are you with a company like
the Joffrey or something?
No, I'm an exotic dancer.
That's nice.
That's why I'm so body
conscious, you know?
I have to be.
It's my livelihood.
Whoa!
4% body fat.
I bust my ass to keep this ass.
Is that right?
Go on, touch it.
-No.
-Feel it.
No, no.
Oh.
You think it's too big?
No.
No.
See, you look soft, but you can
bounce a quarter of 50ft off of
this thing.
Come on.
Come on.
Touch it, touch it.
Like a rock.
That's great.
I can definitely tell
you exercise.
You and Jerry are BFFs.
I guess that makes
you my BFF to.
Jerry said you were the
only one who could get him.
That you would lull him to
sleep and then get
him with a doozy.
Can I confide something in you?
Oh, don't tell Jerry
I'm a stripper, though.
He thinks I'm only a
veterinary assistant.
I had fun tonight.
I had no idea you had such
a wild, reckless youth.
You know, in those
days, I was a real doer.
When I wanted something, I just
reached out and grabbed it.
I never asked for permission.
Like when I pursued you.
Yeah, I remember.
What the hell happened?
Hey! My frat ring.
Oh, my God.
What? Is it the baby?
Honey, are you trying
to make me sick?
What are you talking about?
I'm staring at your shit.
What? What are you.
What do you mean?
Look.
Oh.
[Laughter]
What?
Uh, that's Jerry's shit.
Yeah, he used to do
that all the time.
He's a dick.
That's gross.
Yeah, that's the idea.
[Radio chatter]
Now here's all your news
headlines, weather and traffic.
It's the top of the hour
at 3 a.m. And now.
3 a.m.?
3?
3 a.m.?
[Shouting]
A strike is such a drag in
baseball, but oh so sweet of
victory in bowling.
Like dribbling great
on a basketball court.
Not so good on a pillow.
That's my Jerry.
You're so good with your balls.
Don't you forget it baby.
Cause there ain't no
gravity up in this house.
Looking out the window.
Get over here.
It's heavy.
I'm just looking at her bowl.
Okay, okay, okay.
All right.
That's all right.
That's why they give you two.
That's why they
give you two, baby.
Hey, Hemingway.
Look at that behind.
An ass like that doesn't fart.
It sings like a
chorus of angels.
And when it does fart, it
smells like freshly
baked cookies.
Not bad, not bad, not bad.
Not bad, not bad.
Not so bad.
It's your turn.
Hey, wait wait wait wait.
Whoa! Hello.
Hi. Hey, listen, before you,
uh, before you take your turn,
I have an announcement to make.
We're getting hitched.
What?
Come here you.
I'll wait for you.
I'll call you later. Okay?
Great.
Very friendly.
You're so good.
I'm so happy for you guys.
I owe this all to
you, old friend.
I saw how happy you were with
your beautiful wife and your
baby to be, and I.
I thought I had to break off
a little piece for myself.
I want my best friend
to be my best man.
Are you kidding?
Jerry, I'm.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm. I'm honored.
Is that a yes? Okay.
Yes.
Of course.
And. Hey, look.
That's my boy.
Kappa delta.
Wow!
We did that every day.
Hey hey hey hey hey hey.
Enough of this frat shit.
Let's bowl, let's bowl.
Honey, don't strain anything.
I got it.
You got it, you got it.
[Cheering]
Gear up, nerd-a-chino.
Let's see what you
can do with your.
Well. Shall we?
No what the?
[Laughter]
I got you.
I got him, I got ya.
Chalk. Good one.
It's a one pointer, you
know, maybe 1.5.
I was up all night
cutting those things.
You should have seen your face.
It was hilarious.
[Laughter]
Sir, I've been
exploiting your mark.
Well done, grasshopper.
Okay, I got this.
[Glass shattering]
[Screaming]
Uh, we're gonna
need to clean up.
Bobby. Clean up.
So was the engagement
part of the game, too?
You don't do that to a bro.
You don't ask a bro to be your
best man in a wedding, and you
don't mean it.
Hey, hey, I did mean it.
It wasn't a joke.
And even if it was a joke,
it got Henry writing again.
[Dramatic music]
Francisco's too tall and
powerful, shielded
by a simple banister.
He overlooked his courtyard
with disapproving eyes.
Respect would have to be earned.
He addressed the crowd.
All of my life
I've lived a story.
I knew in my heart the truth.
But ah,
the truth is often
hard to confront.
All my life I've lived
a charrade.
I knew in my heart the truth.
I was afraid to admit it.
For fear of being ostracized.
[Phone ringing]
No matter how much I
clean, I still feel dirty.
How are you, Henry?
Henry.
Henry. Henry.
Wanna come clean?
What the hell is going on here?
It's Adolf Hitler
confirming lunch.
I'm having lunch with Jerry
at Shanghai Gardens, and I'm
rigging up a fake
fortune cookie for him.
What's funnier?
Confucius say Jerry's gay.
Or fuck you, bitch.
I thought this whole time you
were painting the baby's room.
I'll get to it.
I'll get to it.
I'll see you upstairs.
Mm. Good night.
Good night.
You two are geeks.
Oh no no no no.
Oh my God.
Oh my God!
Stanley!
Henry!
Henry!
I love you.
Henry!
Henry!
I love you.
Henry.
Henry,
I love you.
Henry.
I love you.
Henry.
Henry.
Henry. Love
you.
Who sent me this?
I don't know.
It was here on your desk
when I arrived this morning.
There are no funny
notes or anything.
No.
No funny notes.
So you cut a giant penis out
of his hedges, and then you
emptied his gas tank while he
drove his pregnant wife across
the desert.
When you put it that
way, it sounds horrible.
[Pop music]
And then Henry went to visit
you at Homeland Security.
Buttermilk.
Well.
Henry freaked out at
Homeland Security.
You have a meeting
in 15 minutes.
Cancel it.
My name is Henry Hartmann.
I'm here to see Jerry Klugman.
I'm sorry, sir, but unless you
have prior clearance, I can't
let you see Mr. Klugman.
[Phone ringing]
If you want my advice.
Try a slice.
This is Pepa-roni speaking.
What'll it be?
I was standing behind
you the whole time.
Hey, good job Ann.
How was the weekend?
You've taken things way too far.
Hey, hey.
Not here, okay. In my office.
In my office.
Access granted.
[Pop music]
Access granted.
Come on.
[Pop music]
Henry!
Access granted.
Come on.
I've had it, Jerry.
A joke's a joke.
But now you've taken
things way too far.
You siphon the gas out of my
car, walk for hours because
there's no cell phone
reception in Bumblefuck.
It's funny.
And that my car got
towed to a light.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying when your
car ran out of gas, you
guys started walking?
Of course we started walking.
How the.
What?
Henry,
the gas can was in your trunk.
What?
The gas can I put it
back in your trunk.
I never thought for a moment
that you'd never
check your trunk.
Um.
The gas tank was in my trunk.
Yeah.
You gotta admit,
it's a little funny.
No, it's not funny, Jerry.
There's nothing
funny about this.
Ah.
What the.
I had nothing to
do with that rat.
Oh, come on, Jerry.
On my mother's eyes.
I did not send you
a gift wrapped
dead rat in a mini suit.
No, I have a stressful job, and
it's pissing Dora off big time.
You're serious about that?
I just thought we were having
a little bit of fun, you know?
I thought we could
relive the old days.
Apparently not.
Not is right.
Fine. Are we still buds, though?
Yes, we're still buds.
But I gotta get back to work.
Hey, hey.
Come on, hug it out, bitch.
That's it.
That's it. Little closer.
All right.
Come on.
A lot of gay jokes.
Makes me think this
wasn't really about Anita.
Maybe Jerry was in
love with Henry.
Then you had your little date.
The Chinese restaurant.
That day.
I asked you to come
to lunch today.
It's about Anita.
I think she might be
seeing someone else.
I know, and I know it
sounds totally crazy, but
since we moved to Phoenix,
she's been totally different.
She's distant.
She's always texting
somebody late at night.
I could always use my Homeland
Security access to check her
text records.
You know what?
Her emails.
You know all that shit.
Paranoid. Absolutely.
Do not check her phone records.
That is an invasion
of her privacy.
And that is an abuse
of your position.
It's just that I love her.
I don't want to lose her.
You're the closest
thing I have to a brother.
I mean, aside from
my other brothers.
But you're more like a real
brother to me than
those six assholes.
I'm so glad we reconnected.
Me, too.
You really think
I'm being paranoid?
She said yes, didn't she?
Yeah.
There you go.
So now let's.
Whatever these things
say is 100% true.
-Ready?
-Ready.
-Ready?
-Ready.
You first.
Okay.
The one you love
loves you even more.
Is that perfect or what?
You know what?
Uh, you take mine
because I'm okay.
You love Chinese food?
What's the problem.
I fucked your eggroll.
That's not true.
It is in this spirit that I
want you all to
know that I am a,
that I am a.
That I am,
a
b c d e f g.
Henry. How's it hanging?
Oh. Hey, bud.
It is in this spirit that I
want everyone to know that I am.
I am a man.
I am flesh and blood.
And she's my.
Devotion is my.
I love her.
Okay. Resume past.
Listen, man, I'm sure Phoenix
is treating you great, but when
I arrived at San Diego, I felt
like I could really breathe.
-Ivan get off your phone.
-Bro.
I'm gonna get back
to you next week.
The time for the Phoenix
chapter. Then San Diego.
Now, to review the human
resources budget in greater
detail is everybody's
best friend, Darth Henry.
Thanks, boss.
Thanks, boss.
Hello. Hi.
Um.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Uh, orange.
Orange who?
Um, orange.
You glad that you
still have jobs?
As you all know, New Century
is going through their annual
cycle of budget cuts.
And I have a report here.
Cutbacks, unfortunately, are
going to have to be deeper this
year, which is indicated
in the following analysis.
I'm actually going to ask you
to pass these out to the group
if you would.
[Explosion]
The videos.
From Anita.
So did you know that
Anita was a stripper?
You know that I didn't.
That's terrible.
Nobody should do this.
Why didn't you guys stop me?
Why would we?
If I had a nickel for every
time I saw someone as beautiful
as you, I would have $0.05.
[Pop music]
Hey, bud.
You see how those
people look at you?
Yeah.
That's a look of fear.
You're like that kid in
that Twilight Zone episode.
Everybody's afraid you're going
to send them out
to the cornfield.
Is that why you got his
best friend fired at work?
Jealous?
Guys, I'm not jealous
of a work friend.
Bud was head of security.
I just couldn't
have him in the way.
He's gotta go.
I don't care what it is.
He's gotta go.
Bud is one of our
best investigators.
In fact, Bud saved us more
money than all our other
investigators combined.
Yeah, well, not this time.
I just had to write a $2
million check to that murdering
bitch, Emily Schlossberg,
because of his shoddy
detective work.
I don't know what
happened to Bud.
Maybe he's lost his edge.
Maybe he's got that disease
that old people get where they
can't remember nothing.
What is it called?
Alzheimer's.
Right. Fire his ass for that.
This ain't my first midget toss.
If you need to fire me, fire me.
Do your worst.
Henry, I'm so sorry.
You're needed in
the conference room.
Right away.
Mr. Hartman.
Detective Stewart Pitt.
Phoenix PD.
This is my partner,
Detective Cass.
We'd like to ask you a few
questions about Gabriel Barr.
We understand you had fired
Mr. Barr a few months ago.
Why was he fired.
Is he in any kind of trouble?
He killed his entire
family two nights ago.
If I kill my whole family
and myself,
it's gonna be on your hands.
Show him Jack.
It's a gruesome scene.
There was a baby, a midget baby.
He left a note.
He left the.
Get the.
You're a dirty,
dirty, dirty rat.
We just wanted to notify
you just in case he tried to
contact you in any way.
[Fart noises]
Jerry, I'm here with two
detectives from the Phoenix
Police Department.
You're on speakerphone.
No speak English.
Jerry, do you happen
to still have that box?
Box with the dead rat in
the mini suit that you
accused me of giving you?
No, Henry, I threw
that out as soon as you left.
I was afraid of that.
Hey, pal.
I don't know who those police
are over there, but those
clowns give you any trouble.
You remember your friend works
at Homeland Security, Jerry.
Jerry we're going to
have to run. Sorry.
Oh, wait Henry.
Listed pal.
We got to get
together again soon.
I miss you, amigo.
Now let's go and sell
more crack
and fuck more minors,
like we did last time.
[Pop music]
Oh, Grace.
Will you please give me direct
access to Henry Hartman's
personal computer?
Access granted.
Thank you.
He's he's he's kidding
about the crack.
Francisco's Plight.
Oh, my.
Son of a bitch.
It's unlikely he'll
come back to Phoenix.
But if you do hear anything
or see anything, make sure you
contact us.
We're available at these
numbers 24 over seven.
Have a nice day.
What's the matter?
Training bra squeezing your
nipples too tight?
By the way, I fired Budd Conley.
Seeing you as too big
of a bitch to do it.
You're skating on thin ice.
Another federal offense.
After that, Harry got paranoid.
He didn't talk to me for weeks.
Sensors on the outer perimeter.
They will detect any.
Movement of any
creature over 45 pounds.
Floodlights will come on.
The alarm will sound.
The cops will show up.
Anyone tries to get
through a window, a door.
Same thing.
Floodlights, alarm.
Cops. This is your quick engage
wireless keychain remote.
Okay, you can turn on and
off the alarm by hitting this
button on and off.
Or you can use
your control panel.
Your code is star 1469.
Commit that to memory.
A couple more
questions, Mr. Noria.
That's my father's name.
Call me Guy.
Guy. Is it possible for
a tech savvy murderer?
No no no no, no one can get to
this alarm except
a professional.
A DoD certified
installation expert.
Rest assured, we are law
enforcement trained
and FBI screened.
If we're sound asleep and the
alarm goes off, will we be able
to hear it?
[Alarm]
You do it!
Error, let's try once more.
Error. Error.
Code!
Faster!
Error.
-One four.
-Six nine.
Error.
-Star one.
-One four six nine.
Error!
One. Four. Six.
Faster!
-Six.
-Nine.
Nine.
[Alarm stops]
Any questions?
Oh my God, listen to yourself.
You're talking about
fleeing Phoenix.
You need to empower yourself.
You need to have the
total internal shifting.
[Phone ringing]
Who is it?
It's just Stanley confirming
a meeting tomorrow.
And your original deposition.
You never mentioned that Henry
was having an affair with your
stepmom back in college.
I didn't kill Henry because
he slept with my stepmom.
Still, it must have hurt to
be the only one in Kappa Delta
Gamma who didn't know that
Henry was plowing your mom.
Is this the way you're
supposed to talk to me?
God.
You know what?
Why don't you write a letter to
the chief of police
and complain?
Why didn't you write a
letter to your stepmom?
Very, very uncomfortable.
Very, very uncomfortable.
[Spanish music]
An evil,
wild,
bull.
Is there a problem?
[Alarm]
Error. Let's try once more.
Error.
Error.
What?
One four six.
What?
Star one four!
Star! One! Four! Six!
One four!
Six. Nine.
Six. Nine.
Is a murderer here yet?
[Police sirens]
It's okay, guys.
It's okay.
False alarm.
It's actually my house.
It's totally fine.
Totally fine.
Six foot two, heavyset.
Situation seems to
be under control.
And then he called
the police on me.
Henry was dead 48 hours later.
Yeah, but not before he tried
to hook up with my fiancee.
[Dance music]
Let's go, let's go
Do you want to see it
Do you want to touch it
Do you want to suck it
Lollipop
Lollipop. Lollipop
Lollipop
Hey, handsome man, do
you want a lap dance?
I don't bite, I suck.
Lollipop. Lollipop
Lollipop. Lollipop
How many licks does it take
till you get to the center
Cold in your mouth hole
like it froze in the winter
Honey, I'm so glad
you contacted me.
Somewhere private.
Jerry's been relocated to
Indonesia and he asked me to go
with him.
The other thing I
need to tell you.
Jerry found the video messages.
But don't worry.
I told him they were
for an ex-boyfriend.
I don't know when you
grabbed my ass at your house.
I mean, that was.
I did not grab your ass.
You grabbed my hand
and put it on your ass.
Wait. No, wait.
You started when you grabbed
my ass at your house.
I did not grab your ass.
I did not grab your ass.
You started to grab my ass.
You put it on your ass.
Henry. You're right.
All my life I've been lying to
people and leading
a double life.
Now, from this moment,
it's a new Anita.
This cat will play.
No.
Thank you.
Sir. Drop this.
No.
Woah woah.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Thank you.
Henry.
Hey.
Um.
Looks like I dropped this too.
Henry.
I'm finding this.
Oh, wait a minute.
Did she really like him?
I thought you set this up.
I don't know, you'd
have to ask Anita.
She went rogue on
me at this point.
Indonesia was real.
The real place.
Come on.
It's gotta hurt a little.
Henry was dead on March 13th.
Is his birthday on March 12th.
So was that a coincidence?
Or is that when things
got out of control?
By Henry.
Look, I know it's a
day early but,
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Henry
Happy birthday to you
I know you're still mad, but
just give me a call, okay?
Give me a call.
Just give me a call.
I'm gonna keep texting you.
[Pop music]
[Laughter]
Why are you in such a good mood?
All we are saying
Is give peace a chance.
What I'm trying to say is
Peas forgive me.
Pretty peas.
With sugar on top.
Anita quit her job at
the clinic last night.
And she came home and
she gave me an ultimatum.
She said if we're really going
to make our relationship work,
I have to grow up.
I can't say I disagree.
More importantly, we have to
start being 1,000% honest with
each other.
Also, I'm moving to Indonesia.
I may never see you again.
After some tears and
some shots of tequila,
she said that they probably
have lots of animals in
Indonesia and finally
agreed to come with me.
I don't know.
Come here.
You better not be putting
a sign on my back.
Sayonara.
Henry.
Call for you on line one.
Ivan Nuss.
Meeting set for tomorrow,
8 a.m. sharp.
It's just a formality meeting
with the regional managers.
And then you coming
to San Diego?
Ivan, tell your
friend to come here.
Hang on.
Listen, there is one thing.
These guys are real
sticklers for time.
So whatever you
do, don't be late.
Have a great rest
of your day, pal.
You too. Bye bye.
Peas forgive me.
[Explosion]
Henry Mr. Coogan's
office immediately.
What's the matter?
As if you didn't know.
It's not funny, Hartman.
It's not funny at all.
[Laughter]
Hey, Coogan.
This is from Henry.
You're fired.
You are so fucking fired.
I want you out of
my goddamn office.
I want you out of my building.
You gonna run now?
Oh, I see you!
Motherfucker!
Get his ass out of here!
He's on line five right now.
What?
Henry.
Henry.
Henry.
I love you.
The peas are for the Altoids.
The mud wrestlers
are for my stepmom.
And the sugar is for Anita.
[Explosion]
And then the shit hit the fan.
Why is everyone always
mad at me?
Dora.
Dora.
Dora.
Dora.
Dora, what is going on?
How could you Henry?
How could you do this?
Do what?
What the hell are
you talking about?
That.
These are not what
they look like.
Bullshit.
Dora.
Wait a minute.
She's in on it, too.
She's in on it, too.
Look at these emails.
Look at these fucking emails.
I am not an idiot.
Those are from your email
address saying how much you
love her.
Oh, Anita, your ass is so sexy.
Oh, Anita, last
night was so magical.
Oh, Anita, you give way
better blowjobs than my wife.
Fuck you.
Dora. It's all
part of his prank.
He knows how to hack
into my email account.
He knows how to make it look
like I wrote those things, too.
You gotta believe me.
I love you, baby.
I love you.
Henry, maybe it is all
just another prank.
Or maybe it's not.
I don't know, I don't know
what to believe anymore.
I don't want this for my baby.
Dora.
Dora Hartmann.
I'm not available.
Please leave a message
after the beep.
Dora.
It's Henry.
Left you a lot of messages.
I love you.
I love you.
I hate you Jerry Klugman.
I hate you Jerry Klugman!
I hate you Jerry Klugman!
I will get you for this.
I will get you for this.
I will get you for this.
So whatever you
do. Don't be late!
Ah.
[Shouting]
Ah.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Piece of shit!
Burglar alarm.
Ow!
Ow ow ow!
[Pop music]
[Alarm]
Error. If you are in danger.
Call 911 immediately.
[Alarm]
[Glass shattering]
Don't be late!
I have a very strong work ethic.
Mr. Hartmann, Ivan Nuss here.
I just got off the
phone with potential.
I don't know what you said
in there, but they love you.
I really need this job.
I've been the victim of a
very cruel practical joke.
I have no way to dial a phone.
Thank you.
Listen, they want you in San
Diego tomorrow to
meet the big boss.
Be ready for an airport
pickup at 6 a.m..
Just sit back and relax.
For one hour.
Mr. Hartmann.
Welcome to San Diego.
My name is Jose.
I'll be driving you straight to
Prudential headquarters today.
Thank you.
Jose.
I got you a fresh cup of coffee.
Oh.
And on the seat you'll find
a packet of information.
You have to read through it
all and fill out all pertinent
information before we
reach Prudential Plaza.
Geez.
Read through all this.
That's just what
they tell me, sir.
Man, that's good coffee.
Well, thank you very much, sir.
I do try my best.
[Piano music]
Whoa!
Henry. So glad things
worked out the way they did.
I've spoken with the San Diego
office, and they are elated to
be meeting with
you this morning.
Sorry we couldn't meet in
person, but, uh, as of today,
I'll be leaving the corporate
world and returning to my
previous profession
and first great love.
Danger seeker
parasailing instructor.
I've included a congratulatory
gift free lesson with purchase
of timeshare.
Very truly yours.
Ivan A. Nuss.
P.S. I hope you
had a good sleep.
Ivan A. Nuss.
Ivan Anus!
Ivan Anus!
Jerry!
Turn this limousine
around right now.
Jose Canyousee.
[Laughter]
Jose Canyousee!
How can I be so stupid?
How could I have been so stupid?
Stupid stupid stupid stupid.
[Laughter]
Ivan A. Nuss!
Ivan A. Nuss!
[Shouting]
[Shouting]
[Alarm]
Detective Pitt.
Detective Pitt.
Is dragging someone
a crime?
Is kidnaping a crime?
Is transporting them
across international borders
against their will a crime?
Yes.
That's hard to believe.
[Pop music]
Hey!
What is wrong with you?
You've ruined my whole life.
You blew up my car.
You blew up my car!
It's my step mom all over again.
I spent money to
help you loosen up.
Some two bit hacking jacket.
I'll have two fish tacos
and some rum punch.
Asshole!
[Shouting]
[Shouting]
Henry Hartman, you dirty rat!
Who the fuck is this guy?
Who the fuck are you?
You know what?
Shut the fuck up.
I got two bullets in this gun.
One for you and one for me.
[Speaking Spanish]
[Police sirens]
Hang on.
-Drop your weapon!
-Drop it right now!
Put the gun down, sir.
I didn't do this.
This wasn't me.
Shut up and put the gun down.
This. No. This isn't.
You don't understand.
Put the gun down.
[Gunshots]
Everybody okay?
Oh, my God, you shot him!
I had no choice.
He wasn't following
your command.
He leveled a weapon at you.
Wait, are you guys real cops or?
What the hell kind of
question is that?
Sit down, sir.
You're wounded.
-Who are you guys?
-Phoenix P.D.
We've already radioed
for an ambulance.
It's a fucking squib, Webb.
What the hell's going on here?
Squib.
You shot Henry.
Calm down.
You fucking shot Henry!
That language isn't
helping anybody.
Henry.
Henry.
A prank.
Then that would mean.
Gabe Barr.
Gabe Barr.
Yeah. Geithner.
Guy, Guy Noria.
Mr. Noria is my father's name.
Call me Guy.
Guy Noria.
Stu Pitt.
Detective Stuart
Pitt, Phoenix PD.
This is my partner,
Detective Cass.
Jack Cass.
Show him Jack.
Anita Goodbonein,
Anita Goodbonein.
Anita Goodbonein.
I was gonna take it all the
way up to the funeral.
And from my coffin I was
going to yell surprise.
It's gonna be hilarious.
It wasn't supposed to
end like this Henry.
Come here.
And so it is with a heavy heart.
We say goodbye to Henry, a good
man, a good friend who would
have made a good father.
Look, this is where
he's going to
sit up in the coffin
and yell, surprise!
Check this out.
Here we go.
Right here it is.
Three. Two. One.
If any of you would like to
spend your last moments with
Henry, please pay your
respects to the coffin now.
You can't fool me, asshole.
Henry. Henry.
Henry. Henry.
And that's it.
So what I don't understand is,
how did Phoenix P.D.
get there so fast?
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Why am I here?
We've been over this, remeber?
Show, Jerry, what we got?
We got an anonymous package
with some new evidence from,
uh, Honolulu, Hawaii.
You might want to
watch that and,
enjoy.
Jerry says you were the
only one who could get him.
That you would lull
him to sleep,
and then get him with a doozey.
Honolulu, Hawaii.
H H.
Honolulu, Hawaii.
Honolulu, Hawaii.
How?
Henry!
[Laughter]
Yeah so my stepmom.
It is really my stepmom.
When she was my stepmom, I
never looked at
her that way again.
Um, you know, it was just one.
Because I didn't murder Henry.
Can I go now?
You're not here for murder.
You're here for impersonating
a Homeland security lawyer.
Federal crime.
Email hacking.
State crime.
Mail fraud.
International crime.
Falsifying work orders
to undercover operatives.
-Extortion.
-Kidnaping.
Racketeering.
Conspiracy.
Human trafficking.
Breaking and entering.
Misappropriation of funds.
Economic interference.
Electronic incursion.
Kidnaping.
Federal crime.
State crime.
International crime.
For conspiracy to
harm an employee
of an insurance company.
Is that even a real charge?