Big Ass Spider! (2013) Movie Script
[SCREAMING, GUN SHOTS FADE UP]
[MONSTER ROARS]
Oh, thank goodness. Stay, Mrs. Butterworth.
Stay, damn you! Stay! Stay! Stay!
Good morning, Mrs. Jefferson.
How are you? Oh. Oh! How are you?
Oh, you're shaking.
Thank you for coming.
Okay.
Thank you for coming.
Oh, that's all right.
On your day off especially.
Oh, come on. Are you kidding me?
Where is it, out back?
It's in the trap.
In the where?
In the trap.
Okay. All right, it's okay.
Thank you for coming
on your day off.
I got our little friend.
[CAT HISSES]
Is it ugly?
Is it ugly? They're
all beautiful to me.
Kept us up all night long with its ruckus.
Didn't it, Mrs. Butterworth?
Butterworthless when it
comes to catching critters.
At 5:06 A.M. I heard that trap shut, and I
called you ASAP. You're on my speed dial.
I know, Ann.
I hope you rot in hell,
you filthy vermin!
Okay, I'm going to set it
loose in the park, okay?
Yeah, set it loose in the park.
Break his neck first.
Alex? Alex- Yeah.
I am... I'm just...
I'm so embarrassed.
The darned government
was late with my Social
Security check again,
so I brought you this.
Oh.
A little sugar.
That is so sweet of you.
Thank you.
It's full of maraschino cherries,
and I left off the stems this time.
Wow. Well, you can never count
on the government for anything,
but you can always count on me.
My favorite client.
You are such a nice guy.
Ah, well... How come...
...a nice guy like
you is still single?
I ask myself that same
question every day. I
guess I just haven't met
the right girl yet.
When you do...
...she's going to be exhausted.
That was awkward. Okay, bye, Mrs. J.
I'll see-
Alex, Alex.
Yeah.
You have a spider on your arm.
What? Oh, that's a tattoo.
A spider. No, no, no, no.
A spider is on your arm.
Oh, look at that. Look at that.
Oh, that's a brown recluse.
This is highly poisonous.
As long as you don't
provoke it, so we just
have to stay calm. Okay?
Let me help you.
Remain calm, okay?
Let me help you. I can-
No, no, stay calm means
I don't need your help.
Okay, let me help you.
No, don't help me. You just stay calm.
No, Mrs. J. No-
[ALEX SCREAMS]
Paging Dr. Bender.
Paging Dr. Bender.
[WOMAN KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Was that a dead body?
Let's not focus on
that, Mister...
Mathis. Was that one of
your patients, Nurse...
Lisa? I mean, I-I don't care. I'm not
saying that you were responsible for that,
but being your next patient I
was just a little concerned.
You know, I would imagine, if I
looked up the word "nurse" in,
let's say, Nurse Journal or Nurse
Illustrated or whatever it is,
that I would probably
see a picture of you.
I mean, you are, like,
the perfect nurse.
Are you done?
Okay.
Okay, so it says here you have a small
puncture wound on your upper arm.
Correct.
Can you remove your
shirt, please?
Sure.
It might be a bullet
wound, though, actually,
because I'm dodging bullets
all day long in what I do.
And what is it that you do?
Um, well, I actually-
Ow, ow. I, uh... Actually, I shouldn't
tell you. It's top secret. Ow.
I'd say you're a comedian, but the shirt
gives you away. So do your work books.
Well, Mr. Mathis, it looks
like one of your bugs bit you.
From the swelling,
I'd say a spider.
You know what? You'd be right.
It was a brown recluse.
All right, let's just do 1/10 cc
of Dexamethasone or cortisone,
whatever you want. It's
not my first barbecue.
Okay, let me check that with the doctor.
I'll be giving you these shots myself.
Then you'll be out fighting
bugs again in no time.
Uh, nurse... Lisa... let's say for
a second that this is lethal,
and, you know, I've
only got one meal left.
What do you say, you,
me, breakfast? Huh?
No.
No.
(SINGING)
It's too early for this crap and
need some help from the captain.
Jeez.
[YELLS]
[SCREAMS]
$200 for gauze? Seriously, I
hope they accept fruitcake as
payment because I don't
know what I'm going to do.
[ALARM BELL RINGING]
Okay, everybody calm down.
It's just a fire alarm.
Walk out, please. Slowly. Let's go, sir.
Don't worry. Don't be scared.
It's okay, don't run.
Slowly, slowly.
Okay, it's fine, folks.
It's fine. Everything's fine.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I
have your attention, please.
Uh, this is a false alarm.
It is a false one, folks.
There's no fire
in the building,
so if we could all just remain
calm, that would be great.
Jose, I need you to turn
the damn thing off.
Okay, you got it, boss.
Thank you.
Are you okay?
You know what? I can help
them out if you want.
You want me to help them out?
No, we're okay. We're fine.
You sure?
Yeah, we got it.
Excuse me, Director?
Yes.
Carl has something
very crazy to say.
There's something in the morgue.
It climbed right out of a body bag,
and it bit me. I swear to Christ.
Like the... Like the
living dead, Carl?
Jose, please.
Sorry, I like those movies.
Carl, what the hell are you talking about?
Did you pull the fire alarm again?
Hell, yes. Didn't you
hear what I said?
There's some sort of
animal that's down here.
Okay, but, Carl, you work at a hospital.
If something bites you,
there's doctors and
nurses everywhere.
There's no reason for you to pull a fire
alarm and alert the entire building.
But it bit me, boss. It bit me.
Maybe somebody brought in a dog.
It's not a dog. Listen, I know how this
sounds, but you should have seen it.
It's got these long black
legs, like a spider,
but it's much too
big to be a spider.
We've got to call somebody.
Look, if it was bigger than a
spider, it wasn't a spider.
I'm sure- A black
cat, maybe, Carl.
It's too big to be
a- Call somebody.
Was it a monkey?
Why would it be a monkey?
Could've been a spider. Carl, right?
Okay. Listen,
it may in fact have
been a giant tarantula.
I've seen tarantulas as
big as a foot across.
Who's this guy?
He happens to be
an exterminator.
Spiders happen to
be my specialty.
I know what spiders are thinking.
I get into a spider's head.
I think like a spider. I move
like a spider, all eight legs.
I become a spider
to catch a spider.
[MAKES SPIDER NOISES]
Okay, all right. Do you
want to go down with
Carl and maybe take
care of this thing?
I'd really appreciate it. As you can
see, I've got my hands full here.
Right now? Yeah.
I'd really appreciate it.
I would love to do that for you.
Carl, we could do that.
Sure. I love to work pro Bono.
Okay, that's great.
I appreciate that.
No problem at all.
No problem. I just have a quick
thing to discuss. See this?
This is my bill for the hospital.
I haven't settled this yet,
so I'll take care of this for you
if you take care of this for me.
Sort of quid pro quo pro Bono.
Sounds fair to me, boss.
Thank you, Jose.
Yes, fine. That's great. Consider
your visit on the house.
Thank you.
Great. Okay, Carl, will
you take this gentleman
downstairs, and let's get
rid of this bug, okay?
Okay, boss, but I
don't feel so good.
Let me see the bite.
Okay, I'm going to
get you to the E.R.
It's going to be an
intern's nightmare.
Woof.
Jose.
Yeah.
Will you please take our bug-
killing friend to the morgue?
Oh, sure.
Anything he needs, just
take care of it, okay?
You got it, boss.
Gracias.
I'm going to have to grab a couple
things from my... from my truck.
That's okay.
You're not a real police
officer, are you?
Security guard.
Okay. All right, my
truck's out back.
Okay. Oh, and they
hand me a gun.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, put it away.
I will. I have handcuffs, too.
Good. Okay.
I got some mace.
Sure.
So you get in the mind
of the spider, really?
I do.
That's crazy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's a little nuts.
Sir, we have a location.
E.T.A. 5 minutes.
It's over here.
Uh-oh, the lights
don't work so good.
[MAKES SPIDER SOUND]
It's cold in here.
No, spiders don't like it cold.
They like it warm. Dark and warm.
Well, that's good.
Hey, Jorge.
Uh-huh.
Can you get my flash light?
It's in the side of my bag.
Sure.
My name's Jose. Okay? Okay.
Oh, my God.
What?
Oh, God.
What?
This is so gross.
Oh, yeah? What?
Look at this.
No, describe it. I'm
not going to look.
Oh, uh.
What?
The spider must've... oh,
he must've got inside
this guy's body and dug
his way out through
his lungs or his
stomach or something.
What?
Oh, my God.
Oh, poor guy.
How big did Carl say this thing was?
What did he say exactly?
Exactly?
Yeah.
Let me see. Uh, "He bit me, boss. He bit
me. " And then Lisa said "It was a doggie.
" He said, "No. " And then I said, "Maybe
it was a black cat. " He said, "No. "
"Then it's a monkey. "
He said, "No. " He said
it was like a spider but
bigger than a spide-
Maybe it was a spider monkey.
A spider monkey?
A spider monkey.
[SIRENS BLARING]
Ooh, what is all this? We already called.
It was a false alarm.
No, it wasn't.
Is that, like, Raid?
Raid? No. Raid is for housewives.
This is a very potent brew,
my own concoction of sticky acid. A few
drops on a termite hive, and it's history.
And it's eco friendly.
Oh, that's nice.
Okay, if you were a spider,
where would you be?
[ALEX MAKES SPIDER NOISES]
Oh, damn it.
What?
[JOSE SCREAMS, GASPING]
Yes, I know, but I thought
it was, you know, spider...
you were scared, too. Shut up.
Where's this vent go to?
Uh, through the building,
from the roof, all
the way down to the
basement machine room.
The machine room?
Yeah.
Where it's warm.
Ah.
Okay, Jose, get up there.
I'm not going to get up there.
Come on, man. You're a little guy.
Get in the vent.
I'm not going in there.
I'm kidding. Get my bag for me.
It's not funny, man. But, listen, are
you really going to go up there?
Yeah, that's what I do.
This is how I roll, man. There
is no bug that can outdo the Ex.
And besides, the bug
that we're dealing with?
Mm-hm.
Is a big bug.
Ah.
In my line of work, it's the little
bugs you've got to be scared of.
Oh, the little ones.
Yeah.
Oh, I hate little bugs. You know? I hate
gnats, mosquitoes, cucarachas of course.
I don't even like lady bugs. You
know, everybody likes lady bugs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hate roly pollies, too. I
can't stand them. Chiggers:
Chiggers are, like, really bad
because they get under the skin.
Okay. Sorry, the one we're
looking for has a mean bite.
You've got a lot of
elderly, sick people, kids.
Let's do this for the kids.
Let's do it for the kids.
All right.
I'll be on channel two.
I'm going to need you
to talk me through the
entire vent, okay?
All the way through the building. Wanna
make sure this thing doesn't double back
and come back through this way.
Uh, wait a minute. I don't
have the sticky acid.
Yeah, but you've got the gun,
you've got the handcuffs, the mace.
Trust me, this thing is more
scared of you than you are of it.
Huh, I don't think so.
Uh, sir, there are no cell
phones in the hospital.
There's a sign right there.
Set up a perimeter around the hospital.
Lieutenant, lock it down.
Uh, that is a negative, my friend.
Repeat, not happening. We have patients-
Your hospital is now
under my command.
I'm sorry. I'm Gordon Harris, director
of the hospital. Who are you?
I am Major Braxton C. Tanner,
Special Forces, United States Army.
We have reason to suspect
you've inadvertently
received a very
dangerous contagion.
There's a body that was mistakenly
sent here to this hospital.
We'd like to see that body.
A contagion?
Now, where's the morgue?
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING FASTER]
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING SLOWS]
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING FASTER]
[ELDERLY MAN SCREAMS]
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING
IN A STEADY FLATLINE]
Breaker, breaker, this is the Ex
calling El Dorado. Come in, Jose.
Uh, hi, yes, I'm here.
El Dorado, did you say?
Yeah, El Dorado. I'm
coming up to a junction,
east and west. Which
way to the basement?
[MUTTERS]
Uh, what's a junction?
It's uh... like when two roads come are...
you know, come together in a T,
and you don't... Do I go left
or right to go to the basement?
Go left.
What?
Yes.
Hello.
Don't yell at me. Go left.
Left, right?
Yes, go left, izquierda.
Am I scared of what?
Go left.
Okay, I'm going left.
[SPIDER SQUEALS]
Jose, I'm not alone
in here, buddy.
Oh, my God.
Jose. Jose, you're not
going to believe this.
It looks like our friend has
already had a little snack.
This is unbelievable and so beautiful. The
structure's incredible, the strength.
I can't... I've never
seen anything like it.
Oh, it's so sticky.
[GRUNTING]
It's so sticky.
Oh, good God.
Oh, that's not good.
That's not good.
[SPIDER SQUEALS]
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
[PATTERING APPROACHES]
Come on.
[ALEX SCREAMS]
Oh, that was interesting.
Oh, man.
So this is where the
body would've come in.
Our morgue attendant
Carl's fallen ill, so he-
Fallen ill?
It is here.
Move to full lock up, people.
All units gear up.
So you're saying that the military can
just come in and shut a hospital down?
That's not legal.
You can't do that.
The hell I can't. You
are under military
jurisdiction on a matter
of national security.
Your full cooperation and discretion
would be very much appreciated.
Do we have an understanding?
Yep.
Good.
Excuse me, Director Harris?
Uh, not now, Lisa.
Can we talk for a second?
Not now.
Something's happened.
It's one of the patients.
And?
Well, he's... Dead?
Let's take a look.
Ah, okay. I'm onto you, buddy.
It's already hunting.
Granted the patient's immobility
indicates an advantageous access,
like a buzzard selecting wounded prey. It
will get the hang of the kill quickly.
How long has it been?
Blood coagulation fresh. Ten, maybe
twelve minutes. It is close.
How big do you think
it is now, Doctor?
It has quadrupled in size.
Qua... in 24 hours?
It will continue to grow
exponentially. Four
hours from now it
will quadruple again.
Where are you, friend?
Where are you, buddy? Come on, buddy.
The Ex has
a treat for you. I got a...
a treat for you.
(INTO RADIO): U.S. to Mexico. U.S.
to Mexico. Jose, it's Alex.
KARLY (INTO RADIO): Copy that.
I think I found our spider. I'm down in the
basement, buddy. Down in the basement.
[HE KNOCKS ON SOMETHING]
Okay.
Where are- [BEER CAN CLATTERS]
There you are, little buddy.
Wow, you're not such a...
such a little guy, are you.
All right, I've got
something for you.
I got something for you. Nice and shiny.
You're going to like this. Ready?
[ALEX GASPS]
That's my quarter. Give
me back my quarter!
Oh, no you don't. Not this time.
You gonna run from me?
Ah, come on, buddy.
Get down!
What, are you trying to kill me? Hey,
they said I could be here. What are you-
Hi.
Was that the only one?
The only what? Spider?
Uh, yeah, I hope so.
Shh-shh-
[METAL CLANGS]
What?
Oh, great, it's gone.
Yeah, nice job, moron.
Made visual contact.
Moron?
Target it now in the sewer system.
Prepare to move out.
Moron?
I'm bringing an eye witness
in for questioning.
Hey, I had this thing bagged until
you started shooting at me.
No.
Shooting at me.
Okay, you've got no idea
what you're dealing with.
Uh, excuse me.
Sorry. Sorry.
I'm a professional.
Oh, I see. I see. Of course you are.
And, hey, nice uniform.
Thank you very much.
Now, move out.
That was sarcastic.
Move out.
Are you feeling something?
'Cause-
Head out.
Stuck.
[HOMELESS MAN SCREAMING]
Did you ever see the arachnid?
I don't know what that is.
Did you say Iraq?
Arachnid.
I like your pipe.
Major, here he is, a local exterminator.
Uh, Alex.
Alex Mathis, actually. It's
pest eradication specialist.
All kinds of pests,
rodents, reptiles.
All I want from you,
Mr. Mathis, is details.
Tell me what you saw down there.
Hey, there he is.
Hey, how you doing?
What's up, Jose?
In concise sentences, please.
Okay, can I sit down? It's
been one hell of a morning.
Yeah, we're going
to sit down, okay?
You want details?
This thing's huge.
This is the biggest spider that I've ever
seen, maybe the biggest spider on record,
and from the look of the bite
that it gave that mortician,
I'd say this thing is highly
poisonous, aggressive, fast, smart.
It's strong, really strong. It moved
that sewer grate out of the way.
That's got to be about 25 pounds.
This is a big-ass spider.
Exoskeleton's hardened then.
It's already entered Stage Two.
All right, Major, we've got to
get it before it hits Stage.
Three and increases
in size again.
Increases in size? What
are you talking about?
What does that mean?
Who are you guys?
Why are you hunting a spider?
We appreciate your time, Mr. Mathis.
Lieutenant,
will you escort these two
gentlemen off the premises?
No, no, no, no, no,
don't brush me off...
Hey, it's not going to stay in
the service tunnel very long.
You're way out of
your league, son.
All right.
Well, I've had worse
job interviews.
I think your boss really likes me.
I thought it went well.
He doesn't like games.
He doesn't like games?
Mm-mm.
Then what's with the secrecy?
Just tell us what's going on?
Look, we made a mistake,
and now we're taking
care of it, and that's
all you need to know.
No, no, no, no, no, what
does that mean, "We
made a mistake"? Like
"We" made this mistake?
I've got to get back, so why don't you two
take off before Braxton has you arrested.
Wow. Uh, Lieutenant.
Yes?
Just in case the military or you
should need any assistance at all...
...this is my card.
Mister... Alex.
Alex... Mathis.
Mathis.
On Twitter it's
bad-ass bug killer.
If you think of anything else
important, you can give me a call.
Oh, so look at that. That
wasn't so difficult, was it?
I will definitely be
giving you a call.
All right. All right.
I appreciate it, and
I could friend you.
All right, don't let this get out.
And try to stay out of trouble.
Hm.
Wow.
Hm, what a nice lady. I
think she likes you.
Can't believe I let
this one get away.
She's right there. I call her.
No, no, no, no, no,
Jose, the spider?
Oh, yeah. Hey, but
where are you going?
What do you mean, where am I going?
This is it, buddy.
What?
The end of our adventure.
It's been fun.
Hey, you cannot
give up now, Alex.
You heard her. She's got
the Army working with her.
What are we supposed to do?
But isn't this, like, the
biggest spider ever?
Yes, this is, without question,
the biggest spider on record.
Yes, so it would be good business,
right, for you to catch it or kill it.
Yes, if I could catch it
or kill it, which I can't.
Okay, but it could make
you famous, right?
Yes, this would get a lot of press.
What are you getting at?
Look, you could be
super- exterminator.
And Jose. And my boss told me to
help you, so I'm going to help you,
and you know, like, how?
Like Robin helps the Batman.
Like Tonto helps the Lone Ranger.
Like Kato helps the Green Hornet.
Yeah.
Like Sancho Panza
helps Don Quixote.
Yes.
Like John Oates helps
Daryl Hall, baby.
Yes, we are going to do this. We are going
to show her that spiders don't fly.
Yes.
And spiders don't swim.
Yes.
Some do, but that's not the point.
You and I are
going to find this spider
before they do. Come on.
Let's do it.
Wicked. [CACKLES]
The five-mile radius should be enough.
Let's get some eyes out there.
Any sign?
Containment is our
priority right now.
We have to neutralize the target
before somebody out there sees it.
The mere sight of this thing
will 'cause mass panic.
Sir, we have a problem.
Dodd, who shot the amateur video
claims it was footage of a giant spider
measuring over six feet in length.
We now go live to the scene
of this strange sighting.
I saw a big-ass spider. I
came around the corner.
First thing I had to do
was get my phone out.
Ain't nobody gonna believe this...
[BLEEP]
I seen this spider was coming at me, man.
It had multip...
like, what, eight, six legs?
Yeah, about that.
It had multiple legs, dope.
It had multiple eyes.
It was multicultured.
The fool's on crack!
If I see the spider again,
I'm gonna whoop his ass.
[BYSTANDERS HOOTING
AND CHATTERING]
Are we ready to
[BLEEP] the spider?
Yeah!
You better hide your kids, you better hide
your wife 'cause there's a big-ass...
bigger than a spi... there's
a mega-spider on the loose.
Find that building and the
connecting service tunnel.
Yes.
It is moving into Stage Three.
Thank you, Doctor. Karly.
I'm on it.
We're going to need a miracle.
[LATIN MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
Hey, I like that song, Alex.
I like that music, too, my
friend, but we've got to focus.
You're right. Focus. Okay, so
what is the biggest spider ever?
Biggest spider ever has to
be the Goliath birdeater.
Yeah, unbelievable. This thing's got a
six-inch abdomen, three-inch fangs,
13 inches across. But I gotta tell
you, what we're following now...
Yeah.
This thing, what I saw... Yes.
Much bigger.
Oh, come on.
I'm not kidding.
131/2 inches?
Much bigger.
14 inches. 141/2 inches.
Much bigger.
15 inches.
I'll meet you on the other side.
151/2... 16 inches?
20 inches.
- 20 inches?
What I saw was 20
inches long and black.
[JOSE CHUCKLES]
Sounds fun.
Sir, there's a phone
call for you.
This is Major Tanner.
Yeah, it's Officer
Edwards with the LAPD.
Something down here you're
probably going to want to see.
What is your location?
So what is this thing?
It's probably some
cross breed of spider.
I don't know. It's just, like,
a gigantic black widow.
Okay, so where would
a black widow go?
Well, black widows are night feeders,
so it's going to be looking for easy
access outside the sewer
tunnels, some food supply, not a
lot of traffic, calm
area, possibly-
Un ro.
What?
Un ro. The river.
Yes, yes, the L.A. River.
Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
There. There's something.
Oh, sweet mother of God.
It built this under one hour.
Looks like it housed maybe
20 or 30 people at night.
Do you see any survivors?
No. No one left. Except
for maybe some leftovers.
A little more to
the right, please.
It has molted.
Center. Center Command,
this is Major Tanner.
We are at Stage Three. I repeat.
We are at Stage Three.
This town has no
idea what's coming.
Ah, it looks like they
beat us to the punch.
Yeah, but do you think
they killed it?
I don't know. I'm
about to find out.
Hello?
Hey, it's, uh... it's Alex. I was just
wondering, um, so you got your spider, huh?
What? Where are you?
Where are we?
We're right across the
river from you...
...and your soldiers. Hey.
Listen, we just missed it.
Anything else?
Anything else. Um-
Ask her out, man.
What?
Ask her out, Alex.
No.
Don't be scared.
I'm not scared.
Listen. No offense, but I don't have time
for this, all right? Good-bye, Alex.
I was wondering if maybe- What?
Hello.
What happened?
Uh, spider's still on the loose.
Oh, it is?
Yes.
Okay, so. Where do you think
it would go from here?
Well, it's going to be
looking for food and fast.
Thought you said
it hunts at night.
Yeah, but something this size is
going to hunt when it's hungry,
and there's nothing around
but industrial space.
It could hide in the hills.
Yes, it could... Yes, it's
going to be looking for
higher ground. Very good
guess, Seor Watson.
It's going to need tree cover.
You know, my cousin had a
quinceaera at Elysian Park.
It's Sunday. There's lots of
people there cooking out.
That's where I would be with my
family if I had the day off-
Hey, you know what? Elysian Park.
Let's try Elysian Park.
Are you serious? I just
said Elysian Park, Alex.
Come on. Vmonos!
[MAN SCREAMS]
[BONES CRUNCHING,
CHEWING SOUNDS]
The drone has a lock
on our target, sir.
Good God.
Location?
Elysian Park.
Get units there now.
Oh, stop sign, Alex.
No, there's no slowing down.
We've got to get to the park.
Oh, there goes the stop sign.
We have got to get to the park
and evacuate these people.
[SIREN BLARES]
Oh, boy.
Oh, man. We gonna get it now.
I told you to drive slow.
I'll do the talking, okay?
Yeah, hope so. You're
the white guy.
Alex, wait-Oh, man.
Listen, I'm a
professional Driver.
I'm going to need you to
step back into your vehicle.
No, no, no, but there's
something huge in the
park, and I'm just
saying we have a major-
Alex, listen to him. Okay?
Just listen to him-
Excuse me, sir, I need you
to step back inside the car.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Put your hands on
the dash board.
Okay, good luck.
Good luck, Alex.
Back inside the car.
I understand what
this is all about.
What's going on in the park today?
You got a picnic?
All right, maybe I should just
donate to the officer's fund. Huh?
Is that right?
Huh? Is that what
it's going to take?
Is that... Is that what this is?
That's exactly what that is.
A donation to the
officer's fund.
Yes, siree. Can I go now?
This is a 12... $12 donation.
Seriously, man?
Yeah, this is all I got.
Twelve dollars? Sir, I'd
like for you to turn around.
Turn around? I'm a professional.
Put your... Turn around, put
your hands on the car, please.
There are hundreds if not
thousands of people in the park..
Their lives depend on us getting there.
- Is that right?
Yes, absolutely.
All units, all units, please
report to Elysian Park.
Yeah.
There's a disturbance
in progress.
Okay.
Huh? Huh?
Elysian... Elysian Park?
Oh, look at that. Okay, go! Go!
Don't... Don't be waving me off. You
better get out of here, all right?
This works. This works.
Can I have my bribe back?
[FAMILY SCREAMS]
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm going to ram it.
Oh. What?
Yes.
No, you're joking.
Yes!
[JOSE SCREAMS]
[ALEX AND JOSE SCREAMING]
Go! Go! Go!
I'm going as fast as I can.
Are you okay? Are you okay?
No.
Are you okay?
No.
You're not okay?
No, I'm not okay.
Okay.
Who in the hell is that idiot?
That's Alex Mathis.
The exterminator?
Yes, sir.
He's going to get
himself killed.
[JOSE YELLS IN SPANISH]
What?
[JOSE SPEAKS SPANISH]
Okay, listen. Enough of this. Your
Spanglish is pressuring me. All right?
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
I can't go on.
Hello, Western Exterminator.
We care.
Alex, this is Lieutenant Brandt.
Hey, Karly, how are you?
We're onto your spider.
We're in Elysian Park.
Listen, we're here, Alex. Get clear.
We're going to handle this.
Uh, no, no, we're going to take
care of the spider, and then I
am going to take
you out to dinner.
Alex, I'm not joking. You're
heading right into a crossfire.
I'm sorry. We're
heading into a what?
A crossfire.
A crossfire. What's a...
A crossfire? What's a...
[ALEX AND JOSE SCREAMING]
All right, on my command.
Open fire!
My truck!
You son of a bitch!
Alex, don't!
[SPIDER SQUEALS IN THE DISTANCE]
[ALEX GRUMBLES]
[ALEX SIGHS]
Are you insane? What
were you thinking?
Hey, did you miss me?
You could've been killed.
Well, we just thought we'd
bring the spider to you.
I don't have time to deal with this clown.
Get him out of my sight.
Yes, sir.
You're welcome.
Keep him out of our way. Lieutenant,
regroup the men and form a perimeter.
Yes.
I want to kill that bastard
while it's still in the woods.
Yes, Major.
And get some more men up here.
Hey, I lost my truck.
Uh, I lost my glasses.
You will need more firepower.
There's enough
explosive in here
to take out a tank.
Thank you.
I lost my truck. You're
worried about your glasses?
I'm... yeah, you're right.
Hey, Karly, what about me?
What about you?
Well, should I come with you?
Jose and I can be our own unit.
Yeah, I shot it a whole bunch.
All right, listen, guys. Seriously
I've really appreciated everything
you've done, but we've
got it from here. Okay?
Wait, Karly.
You guys, listen. You
guys did a great job.
Thank you. Karly,
you need my help.
Alex, what I've got to
do now is move out.
You and your men are about
to walk into a death trap.
The wooded area's her terrain.
This is home turf advantage for her.
They don't call her one of the greatest
predators on earth for nothing. Trust me.
Karly, you need my help
Alex, this is my job.
How come women never
listen to me?
What?
Stay sharp, boys.
Now, if you come across
a hide or lair, your
first priority is to
drop the thermite pack
and fall back immediately. All
detonation will be signaled from here.
Look out. Look out!
[SOLDIER?2 SCREAMS]
Where's Balzda? Where's Balzda?
We lost all of Alpha company.
Lon's camera's down, too, sir.
Target acquired.
Target acquired.
Engage.
[MAN SCREAMS]
Sir, we lost Private Parker.
Send teams Delta,
Echo, Foxtrot now.
Damn. Guys, I'm stuck.
Yeah, well, I'm stuck
in this stuff, too.
Okay, it's... Charlie One.
It's... Charlie One.
We need immediate backup now.
Lieutenant Brandt.
Yes, sir.
If it gets in your vicinity...
...and you have a chance to end
this, are you prepared to do so?
Yes, sir.
Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.
Quiet. Quiet.
Hi. What are you doing here?
I'm saving your ass. What do
you think I'm doing here?
Be careful. Be careful.
I know. I know.
Oh, my God.
Come on, hurry, hurry. Get me out.
Get me out.
I am. I am.
If I just heat the knife, we should be
able to cut right through it. Hold still.
Here... Here we go.
Yes.
Okay, thank you.
Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.
Okay, we've got to keep moving.
And don't stop moving.
Okay.
[KARLY GASPS]
Okay... whoa, whoa, whoa, keep moving.
Smooth, smooth, smooth.
Okay, I have a contingency plan.
Yeah, what's that?
You see this pack on my back?
Yeah?
Yeah.
It's filled with explosives that'll
blow that thing a mile high.
That's not good! If you
blow that thing a mile
high, you're going to
blow us a mile high.
I'm sorry, Alex.
What? Are you kidding me? The girl of
my dreams wanna kill me on my day off?
This is great.
Please don't do it!
[JOSE SCREAMS]
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Come one. We gotta go.
Let's get out-
[ALEX SCREAMS]
Come on. Come on!
Come on, Karly!
I'm coming.
[KARLY SCREAMS]
Karly!
No!
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, guys. Sorry, Alex.
Sorry, Alex? What do you mean, sorry Alex?
What's the plan, guys? We gotta rescue her.
You're kidding, Alex.
Kidding? No, I'm not kidding.
She's as good as dead.
Let's move on.
No! Wh-What are we all? We're just
numbers to you guys? Is that it?
Hey, Braxton, come on. What is this?
It's just collateral damage?
Lieutenant Brandt and I went
through hell and back to get her,
so don't tell me about
losing a friend.
She was a good soldier, and her
death will not be in vain.
Now, we're running out of time.
It's still out there.
And about to run amok
into Stage Five.
St... Okay. What-What's
Stage Five?
Doc, what happens in Stage Five?
Come on.
This is not the first time you
guys have dealt with this.
What did you make that is
running around killing people?
We didn't make anything, at
least not intentionally.
This arachnid is an aberration
from several unusual technologies.
Come on. In layman's terms,
what are we dealing with?
Alien biology, not terrestrial.
So you're saying the
spider's an alien?
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Not exactly, but yes.
DNA cross breeding
from microbial fossil
found in Martian soil.
So you made a spider do it with an alien.
That's messed up.
No, no, no.
That's messed up, guys.
This is your people, Alex.
No, no, no, we did cross
breed two species.
We isolated separate genes,
one of which, in particular,
produces a superior growth hormone.
It's promise is infinite.
Giant tomatoes to feed the
whole world and such.
"Tomatoes" is the first word
I understood. You know?
But something went wrong.
No kidding.
I got a question for you.
Yes.
So why do we got the giant spider?
I don't get it. You get it?
I don't get it. What's
with the spider, doc?
We don't get it. You
get it, Braxton?
It was an accident. One of the
fruit plants that were brought
in as a test subject had a spider's nest
hidden inside. The arachnid biology...
...was immediately responsive
to our growth hormone.
Major and I monitored
four stages of growth.
Letting it proceed to Stage
Five was deemed unacceptable.
What happens in Stage Five?
What happens in Stage Five?
Reproduction.
Of course. Reproduction. I
should've guessed that.
Yes, of course reproduction.
It would have to be
reproduction, right?
Because this fairytale has got
spiders from Mars, right?
It's a nice little bedtime story
to tell us you're telling us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got spiders
humping each other.
[JOSE CHUCKLES]
Alex, even with our
high-tech equipment, you
managed to find it the
same time we did.
Yes, I did.
No, wait. We did. Okay?
Right.
Correct?
You seem to understand
its nature.
Yes, I do.
So what's your best guess?
Oh, so now you want our help, huh?
School them, Alex.
All right, my professional opinion
is that without question,
she's going to lay her eggs as far away
from a populated area as she can get.
Humans she doesn't trust.
She never has.
So you're not going to find her
anywhere near a populated area.
What, like under a bridge
or a warehouse or s...
No, no, even more isolated.
Far away.
Sir, sir.
Far away.
Sir, I think you
need to see this.
We have a live feed of
Newscopter 8 that has spotted...
...the creature headed
toward Little Tokyo.
We advise you that if you are in
that area to evacuate immediately.
Or she might go downtown.
Oh, I-look. It's right there.
Found her.
It's big.
It appears to be climbing
up the top of City Hall.
The size of it is just unbelievable.
It also appears to be hostile.
If you are in the
downtown area...
All right, son, this is Tanner. Request
status on Operation Ground Swell.
Call in an air strike, Major.
Wait. Air strike?
What air strike?
Contingency.
You can't just drop a bomb here.
Oh, that's not good.
No, you can't... you
can't bomb downtown L.A.
We're running a little low on options,
so I'm calling in a targeted air strike.
You're risking the lives
of thousands of people.
Saving millions.
Wait a minute. There's
got to be a better way.
Enough of this. Remove
this Western Terminator.
What?
Oh, yeah? I'd like to see
you try it, pretty guy.
Oh, Okay. You got it.
Okay, we're leaving.
Sir, we have a lock
on the building.
Zooming in.
Is that Lieutenant Brandt?
I need a minute.
Copy that.
I hope you have insurance.
The company has insurance, yes.
Well, don't worry about it-
Alex, wait. It's Karly.
She's still alive.
Don't mess with me.
That spider, she laid her eggs on
top of the Epic Bank Building.
There are a lot of people trapped up there.
Karly's one of them.
Okay, so what do we do?
Well, you have about 24 minutes
before the jets arrive there.
And what happens before
then is up to you.
I'll drive.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Okay, so what's the plan, Alex?
The plan: Stop the spider,
save the city, kiss the girl.
Oh, good. Any idea
how to do that?
No.
That's what I thought.
Our guns are doing nothing
against this thing.
Disengage. Disengage. Pull back,
but maintain visual contact.
See, it's a perfect target up there.
If we can take it out on the rooftop,
it'll keep civilian
casualties to a minimum.
As long as we take out that
building before the eggs hatch.
[KARLY SCREAMS]
So can I ask you
something else, Alex?
Sure. Go, Mexican Robin.
How are we going to
kill this big spider?
I'm trying to figure that one out.
I mean, we can't shoot it.
Why?
Why? Because it's huge. The exoskeleton
alone is stronger than anything
we've got to penetrate it, and
it's resistant to flames.
It's resistant to
any kind of heat.
We have not even created a
fire suit strong enough to-
Fire, eh? How about fuego?
No, no, I just said
it's resistant to fire.
Yes, but the web catches on
fire, so can we use that?
Wait a minute.
What?
Wait a minute. That's it. Jose!
What?
If we can ignite the spinneret, we
can blow it up from the inside out.
Really?
- Yes!
What's a spinneret?
Spinnerets.
Spinnerets.
Spin.
Spin.
Spin.
Er... er... ets.
...ets.
Spinnerets.
Where's the spinnerets?
In its ass.
So we have to shoot the
spider in the butt.
In the butt.
How we going to do that?
That's right.
Uh, how we going to do that?
With this.
Oh, baby.
Right?
[JOSE LAUGHS]
Wicked.
Where's the air strike?
E.T.A. two minutes.
Have them circle once more.
You are insane, Braxton.
You can't risk these
eggs hatching. Take
down that building now.
I'm done with you scientists.
You started this thing.
Now, you let us finish it.
Remove this man.
Escort him out of my
command center now.
I will see you in hell, Braxton.
Get me Alex on the phone.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Western. We live to kill.
Alex, you have 10 minutes
to get to the 60th floor.
After that I have no choice. We can't
risk any of those eggs hatching.
Ten minutes is all
we're going to need.
Look out. Look out!
[TIRES SCREECH]
[SOUND MUFFLED]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING IN B.G.]
No, no.
Jose! Hey, Jose!
[JOSE GASPS]
Okay, I've got to go save Karly.
I've got to go save those people.
I'm coming with you.
No, we may not get out
of there in time.
Then we better get moving.
Let's do it, Alex.
Air strike E.T.A.
five minutes away.
[TARGET ACQUIRED.
TARGET ACQUIRED]
E.T.A. three minutes.
God help us all.
[MUZAK PLAYING]
[JOSE HUMMING]
[ALEX JOINS IN, BEATBOXING]
[SINGING]
We're gonna kill some spiders.
Gonna kill some spiders dead.
We're gonna kills some spiders. Gonna
shoot those muthas in the head.
[ALEX CONTINUES BEATBOXING]
And stop.
That's pretty good.
That was all right.
Let's do this. You ready?
I'm ready.
You nervous?
Yes.
It's good that you're nervous.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Let's do this.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. This is what
I was afraid of. She's laid her eggs.
Holy juevos.
Oh, look at this.
Oh, man.
Alex!
Karly.
Alex!
She's alive.
You were right.
I'm going to go help her.
You help these people.
Okay, I will.
There you go. Go towards
the exit on the left,
there's a lot of spiders
on the right. Okay
Alex!
Okay, I'm right here.
Right here.
Just promise me this is the last time that
I'm going to have to rescue you today.
I mean, seriously, two
saves in one day.
Hurry.
Alex! Alex!
I got it.
Nice.
Oh, boy.
Here they come. Time to go!
Help me! Oh, my God, help me!
I need a hand. I need a hand!
Oh, my God, she's dead.
[SECOND WOMAN SCREAMS]
We gotta go. We gotta go.
Alex!
Come on, Alex! Clear out!
Clear out!
[ALEX LAUGHING]
Come on, Alex!
Thank you for calling Western.
[ALEX SCREAMS]
Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!
[ALEX AND JOSE SCREAM]
Nice shot.
Yeah, well, now we're even.
No, not quite.
What?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
We're out of time.
Engage target. Engage target.
Yes!
Well, let's not
celebrate just yet.
[ALEX AND JOSE LAUGH AND HOOT]
So how much you gonna charge
for killing the big spider?
I don't know, but I hope it
covers the cost of a new truck.
Yes, he is. The major
wants to talk to you.
Major? Hope I'm not in trouble.
I hope not either.
Yeah, Major?
I gotta hand it to you, kid.
You knocked it
out of the park. Thank
you for saving Karly.
Well, thank you very much, sir.
I told you I'm a professional.
That you are, son. That you are.
Yeah, well, any time you have any
trouble, you know who to call,
except it's not going to be cheap.
I've got a partner now.
[JOSE CHUCKLES]
And there's a little
business about my, uh...
my truck. I made some
modifications to it.
Alex.
And I'm not sure that the insurance
at the company's going to cover it.
Alex.
Major, I'm going to
have to call you back.
Alex, can we get out of here?
I'm sorry, Jose. I live to kill.
Okay.
I got your back, babe.
Hey, Jose.
What?
You remember that conversation
we had in the... in the truck?
Which one?
The one about the spinneret.
We're going to shoot
it in the butt.
Find me that bazooka!
You got it, Alex.
You want some of the Ex?
Alex! I'm coming.
Throw it to me.
Watch out, Alex! Wake up, Alex!
Up yours.
[MEN CHEERING]
Yeah!
Nicely done.
I told you I'm a pro. I'm a pro.
Oh, look at you, you're gross.
Oh.
You've got web all over you.
You're one to talk.
Well, it looks like we're
stuck together for a while.
Is that a problem?
No, I don't have a
problem with that.
Well, what should you do with
the rest of your day off?
I can think of a few things.
All right, you guys.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. Hey, come on, guys.
Get a room. Okay?
Alex, I'm afraid we have a little problem.
What's the biggest cockroach you ever saw?
[MONSTER ROARS]
Oh, thank goodness. Stay, Mrs. Butterworth.
Stay, damn you! Stay! Stay! Stay!
Good morning, Mrs. Jefferson.
How are you? Oh. Oh! How are you?
Oh, you're shaking.
Thank you for coming.
Okay.
Thank you for coming.
Oh, that's all right.
On your day off especially.
Oh, come on. Are you kidding me?
Where is it, out back?
It's in the trap.
In the where?
In the trap.
Okay. All right, it's okay.
Thank you for coming
on your day off.
I got our little friend.
[CAT HISSES]
Is it ugly?
Is it ugly? They're
all beautiful to me.
Kept us up all night long with its ruckus.
Didn't it, Mrs. Butterworth?
Butterworthless when it
comes to catching critters.
At 5:06 A.M. I heard that trap shut, and I
called you ASAP. You're on my speed dial.
I know, Ann.
I hope you rot in hell,
you filthy vermin!
Okay, I'm going to set it
loose in the park, okay?
Yeah, set it loose in the park.
Break his neck first.
Alex? Alex- Yeah.
I am... I'm just...
I'm so embarrassed.
The darned government
was late with my Social
Security check again,
so I brought you this.
Oh.
A little sugar.
That is so sweet of you.
Thank you.
It's full of maraschino cherries,
and I left off the stems this time.
Wow. Well, you can never count
on the government for anything,
but you can always count on me.
My favorite client.
You are such a nice guy.
Ah, well... How come...
...a nice guy like
you is still single?
I ask myself that same
question every day. I
guess I just haven't met
the right girl yet.
When you do...
...she's going to be exhausted.
That was awkward. Okay, bye, Mrs. J.
I'll see-
Alex, Alex.
Yeah.
You have a spider on your arm.
What? Oh, that's a tattoo.
A spider. No, no, no, no.
A spider is on your arm.
Oh, look at that. Look at that.
Oh, that's a brown recluse.
This is highly poisonous.
As long as you don't
provoke it, so we just
have to stay calm. Okay?
Let me help you.
Remain calm, okay?
Let me help you. I can-
No, no, stay calm means
I don't need your help.
Okay, let me help you.
No, don't help me. You just stay calm.
No, Mrs. J. No-
[ALEX SCREAMS]
Paging Dr. Bender.
Paging Dr. Bender.
[WOMAN KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Was that a dead body?
Let's not focus on
that, Mister...
Mathis. Was that one of
your patients, Nurse...
Lisa? I mean, I-I don't care. I'm not
saying that you were responsible for that,
but being your next patient I
was just a little concerned.
You know, I would imagine, if I
looked up the word "nurse" in,
let's say, Nurse Journal or Nurse
Illustrated or whatever it is,
that I would probably
see a picture of you.
I mean, you are, like,
the perfect nurse.
Are you done?
Okay.
Okay, so it says here you have a small
puncture wound on your upper arm.
Correct.
Can you remove your
shirt, please?
Sure.
It might be a bullet
wound, though, actually,
because I'm dodging bullets
all day long in what I do.
And what is it that you do?
Um, well, I actually-
Ow, ow. I, uh... Actually, I shouldn't
tell you. It's top secret. Ow.
I'd say you're a comedian, but the shirt
gives you away. So do your work books.
Well, Mr. Mathis, it looks
like one of your bugs bit you.
From the swelling,
I'd say a spider.
You know what? You'd be right.
It was a brown recluse.
All right, let's just do 1/10 cc
of Dexamethasone or cortisone,
whatever you want. It's
not my first barbecue.
Okay, let me check that with the doctor.
I'll be giving you these shots myself.
Then you'll be out fighting
bugs again in no time.
Uh, nurse... Lisa... let's say for
a second that this is lethal,
and, you know, I've
only got one meal left.
What do you say, you,
me, breakfast? Huh?
No.
No.
(SINGING)
It's too early for this crap and
need some help from the captain.
Jeez.
[YELLS]
[SCREAMS]
$200 for gauze? Seriously, I
hope they accept fruitcake as
payment because I don't
know what I'm going to do.
[ALARM BELL RINGING]
Okay, everybody calm down.
It's just a fire alarm.
Walk out, please. Slowly. Let's go, sir.
Don't worry. Don't be scared.
It's okay, don't run.
Slowly, slowly.
Okay, it's fine, folks.
It's fine. Everything's fine.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I
have your attention, please.
Uh, this is a false alarm.
It is a false one, folks.
There's no fire
in the building,
so if we could all just remain
calm, that would be great.
Jose, I need you to turn
the damn thing off.
Okay, you got it, boss.
Thank you.
Are you okay?
You know what? I can help
them out if you want.
You want me to help them out?
No, we're okay. We're fine.
You sure?
Yeah, we got it.
Excuse me, Director?
Yes.
Carl has something
very crazy to say.
There's something in the morgue.
It climbed right out of a body bag,
and it bit me. I swear to Christ.
Like the... Like the
living dead, Carl?
Jose, please.
Sorry, I like those movies.
Carl, what the hell are you talking about?
Did you pull the fire alarm again?
Hell, yes. Didn't you
hear what I said?
There's some sort of
animal that's down here.
Okay, but, Carl, you work at a hospital.
If something bites you,
there's doctors and
nurses everywhere.
There's no reason for you to pull a fire
alarm and alert the entire building.
But it bit me, boss. It bit me.
Maybe somebody brought in a dog.
It's not a dog. Listen, I know how this
sounds, but you should have seen it.
It's got these long black
legs, like a spider,
but it's much too
big to be a spider.
We've got to call somebody.
Look, if it was bigger than a
spider, it wasn't a spider.
I'm sure- A black
cat, maybe, Carl.
It's too big to be
a- Call somebody.
Was it a monkey?
Why would it be a monkey?
Could've been a spider. Carl, right?
Okay. Listen,
it may in fact have
been a giant tarantula.
I've seen tarantulas as
big as a foot across.
Who's this guy?
He happens to be
an exterminator.
Spiders happen to
be my specialty.
I know what spiders are thinking.
I get into a spider's head.
I think like a spider. I move
like a spider, all eight legs.
I become a spider
to catch a spider.
[MAKES SPIDER NOISES]
Okay, all right. Do you
want to go down with
Carl and maybe take
care of this thing?
I'd really appreciate it. As you can
see, I've got my hands full here.
Right now? Yeah.
I'd really appreciate it.
I would love to do that for you.
Carl, we could do that.
Sure. I love to work pro Bono.
Okay, that's great.
I appreciate that.
No problem at all.
No problem. I just have a quick
thing to discuss. See this?
This is my bill for the hospital.
I haven't settled this yet,
so I'll take care of this for you
if you take care of this for me.
Sort of quid pro quo pro Bono.
Sounds fair to me, boss.
Thank you, Jose.
Yes, fine. That's great. Consider
your visit on the house.
Thank you.
Great. Okay, Carl, will
you take this gentleman
downstairs, and let's get
rid of this bug, okay?
Okay, boss, but I
don't feel so good.
Let me see the bite.
Okay, I'm going to
get you to the E.R.
It's going to be an
intern's nightmare.
Woof.
Jose.
Yeah.
Will you please take our bug-
killing friend to the morgue?
Oh, sure.
Anything he needs, just
take care of it, okay?
You got it, boss.
Gracias.
I'm going to have to grab a couple
things from my... from my truck.
That's okay.
You're not a real police
officer, are you?
Security guard.
Okay. All right, my
truck's out back.
Okay. Oh, and they
hand me a gun.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, put it away.
I will. I have handcuffs, too.
Good. Okay.
I got some mace.
Sure.
So you get in the mind
of the spider, really?
I do.
That's crazy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's a little nuts.
Sir, we have a location.
E.T.A. 5 minutes.
It's over here.
Uh-oh, the lights
don't work so good.
[MAKES SPIDER SOUND]
It's cold in here.
No, spiders don't like it cold.
They like it warm. Dark and warm.
Well, that's good.
Hey, Jorge.
Uh-huh.
Can you get my flash light?
It's in the side of my bag.
Sure.
My name's Jose. Okay? Okay.
Oh, my God.
What?
Oh, God.
What?
This is so gross.
Oh, yeah? What?
Look at this.
No, describe it. I'm
not going to look.
Oh, uh.
What?
The spider must've... oh,
he must've got inside
this guy's body and dug
his way out through
his lungs or his
stomach or something.
What?
Oh, my God.
Oh, poor guy.
How big did Carl say this thing was?
What did he say exactly?
Exactly?
Yeah.
Let me see. Uh, "He bit me, boss. He bit
me. " And then Lisa said "It was a doggie.
" He said, "No. " And then I said, "Maybe
it was a black cat. " He said, "No. "
"Then it's a monkey. "
He said, "No. " He said
it was like a spider but
bigger than a spide-
Maybe it was a spider monkey.
A spider monkey?
A spider monkey.
[SIRENS BLARING]
Ooh, what is all this? We already called.
It was a false alarm.
No, it wasn't.
Is that, like, Raid?
Raid? No. Raid is for housewives.
This is a very potent brew,
my own concoction of sticky acid. A few
drops on a termite hive, and it's history.
And it's eco friendly.
Oh, that's nice.
Okay, if you were a spider,
where would you be?
[ALEX MAKES SPIDER NOISES]
Oh, damn it.
What?
[JOSE SCREAMS, GASPING]
Yes, I know, but I thought
it was, you know, spider...
you were scared, too. Shut up.
Where's this vent go to?
Uh, through the building,
from the roof, all
the way down to the
basement machine room.
The machine room?
Yeah.
Where it's warm.
Ah.
Okay, Jose, get up there.
I'm not going to get up there.
Come on, man. You're a little guy.
Get in the vent.
I'm not going in there.
I'm kidding. Get my bag for me.
It's not funny, man. But, listen, are
you really going to go up there?
Yeah, that's what I do.
This is how I roll, man. There
is no bug that can outdo the Ex.
And besides, the bug
that we're dealing with?
Mm-hm.
Is a big bug.
Ah.
In my line of work, it's the little
bugs you've got to be scared of.
Oh, the little ones.
Yeah.
Oh, I hate little bugs. You know? I hate
gnats, mosquitoes, cucarachas of course.
I don't even like lady bugs. You
know, everybody likes lady bugs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hate roly pollies, too. I
can't stand them. Chiggers:
Chiggers are, like, really bad
because they get under the skin.
Okay. Sorry, the one we're
looking for has a mean bite.
You've got a lot of
elderly, sick people, kids.
Let's do this for the kids.
Let's do it for the kids.
All right.
I'll be on channel two.
I'm going to need you
to talk me through the
entire vent, okay?
All the way through the building. Wanna
make sure this thing doesn't double back
and come back through this way.
Uh, wait a minute. I don't
have the sticky acid.
Yeah, but you've got the gun,
you've got the handcuffs, the mace.
Trust me, this thing is more
scared of you than you are of it.
Huh, I don't think so.
Uh, sir, there are no cell
phones in the hospital.
There's a sign right there.
Set up a perimeter around the hospital.
Lieutenant, lock it down.
Uh, that is a negative, my friend.
Repeat, not happening. We have patients-
Your hospital is now
under my command.
I'm sorry. I'm Gordon Harris, director
of the hospital. Who are you?
I am Major Braxton C. Tanner,
Special Forces, United States Army.
We have reason to suspect
you've inadvertently
received a very
dangerous contagion.
There's a body that was mistakenly
sent here to this hospital.
We'd like to see that body.
A contagion?
Now, where's the morgue?
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING FASTER]
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING SLOWS]
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING FASTER]
[ELDERLY MAN SCREAMS]
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING
IN A STEADY FLATLINE]
Breaker, breaker, this is the Ex
calling El Dorado. Come in, Jose.
Uh, hi, yes, I'm here.
El Dorado, did you say?
Yeah, El Dorado. I'm
coming up to a junction,
east and west. Which
way to the basement?
[MUTTERS]
Uh, what's a junction?
It's uh... like when two roads come are...
you know, come together in a T,
and you don't... Do I go left
or right to go to the basement?
Go left.
What?
Yes.
Hello.
Don't yell at me. Go left.
Left, right?
Yes, go left, izquierda.
Am I scared of what?
Go left.
Okay, I'm going left.
[SPIDER SQUEALS]
Jose, I'm not alone
in here, buddy.
Oh, my God.
Jose. Jose, you're not
going to believe this.
It looks like our friend has
already had a little snack.
This is unbelievable and so beautiful. The
structure's incredible, the strength.
I can't... I've never
seen anything like it.
Oh, it's so sticky.
[GRUNTING]
It's so sticky.
Oh, good God.
Oh, that's not good.
That's not good.
[SPIDER SQUEALS]
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
[PATTERING APPROACHES]
Come on.
[ALEX SCREAMS]
Oh, that was interesting.
Oh, man.
So this is where the
body would've come in.
Our morgue attendant
Carl's fallen ill, so he-
Fallen ill?
It is here.
Move to full lock up, people.
All units gear up.
So you're saying that the military can
just come in and shut a hospital down?
That's not legal.
You can't do that.
The hell I can't. You
are under military
jurisdiction on a matter
of national security.
Your full cooperation and discretion
would be very much appreciated.
Do we have an understanding?
Yep.
Good.
Excuse me, Director Harris?
Uh, not now, Lisa.
Can we talk for a second?
Not now.
Something's happened.
It's one of the patients.
And?
Well, he's... Dead?
Let's take a look.
Ah, okay. I'm onto you, buddy.
It's already hunting.
Granted the patient's immobility
indicates an advantageous access,
like a buzzard selecting wounded prey. It
will get the hang of the kill quickly.
How long has it been?
Blood coagulation fresh. Ten, maybe
twelve minutes. It is close.
How big do you think
it is now, Doctor?
It has quadrupled in size.
Qua... in 24 hours?
It will continue to grow
exponentially. Four
hours from now it
will quadruple again.
Where are you, friend?
Where are you, buddy? Come on, buddy.
The Ex has
a treat for you. I got a...
a treat for you.
(INTO RADIO): U.S. to Mexico. U.S.
to Mexico. Jose, it's Alex.
KARLY (INTO RADIO): Copy that.
I think I found our spider. I'm down in the
basement, buddy. Down in the basement.
[HE KNOCKS ON SOMETHING]
Okay.
Where are- [BEER CAN CLATTERS]
There you are, little buddy.
Wow, you're not such a...
such a little guy, are you.
All right, I've got
something for you.
I got something for you. Nice and shiny.
You're going to like this. Ready?
[ALEX GASPS]
That's my quarter. Give
me back my quarter!
Oh, no you don't. Not this time.
You gonna run from me?
Ah, come on, buddy.
Get down!
What, are you trying to kill me? Hey,
they said I could be here. What are you-
Hi.
Was that the only one?
The only what? Spider?
Uh, yeah, I hope so.
Shh-shh-
[METAL CLANGS]
What?
Oh, great, it's gone.
Yeah, nice job, moron.
Made visual contact.
Moron?
Target it now in the sewer system.
Prepare to move out.
Moron?
I'm bringing an eye witness
in for questioning.
Hey, I had this thing bagged until
you started shooting at me.
No.
Shooting at me.
Okay, you've got no idea
what you're dealing with.
Uh, excuse me.
Sorry. Sorry.
I'm a professional.
Oh, I see. I see. Of course you are.
And, hey, nice uniform.
Thank you very much.
Now, move out.
That was sarcastic.
Move out.
Are you feeling something?
'Cause-
Head out.
Stuck.
[HOMELESS MAN SCREAMING]
Did you ever see the arachnid?
I don't know what that is.
Did you say Iraq?
Arachnid.
I like your pipe.
Major, here he is, a local exterminator.
Uh, Alex.
Alex Mathis, actually. It's
pest eradication specialist.
All kinds of pests,
rodents, reptiles.
All I want from you,
Mr. Mathis, is details.
Tell me what you saw down there.
Hey, there he is.
Hey, how you doing?
What's up, Jose?
In concise sentences, please.
Okay, can I sit down? It's
been one hell of a morning.
Yeah, we're going
to sit down, okay?
You want details?
This thing's huge.
This is the biggest spider that I've ever
seen, maybe the biggest spider on record,
and from the look of the bite
that it gave that mortician,
I'd say this thing is highly
poisonous, aggressive, fast, smart.
It's strong, really strong. It moved
that sewer grate out of the way.
That's got to be about 25 pounds.
This is a big-ass spider.
Exoskeleton's hardened then.
It's already entered Stage Two.
All right, Major, we've got to
get it before it hits Stage.
Three and increases
in size again.
Increases in size? What
are you talking about?
What does that mean?
Who are you guys?
Why are you hunting a spider?
We appreciate your time, Mr. Mathis.
Lieutenant,
will you escort these two
gentlemen off the premises?
No, no, no, no, no,
don't brush me off...
Hey, it's not going to stay in
the service tunnel very long.
You're way out of
your league, son.
All right.
Well, I've had worse
job interviews.
I think your boss really likes me.
I thought it went well.
He doesn't like games.
He doesn't like games?
Mm-mm.
Then what's with the secrecy?
Just tell us what's going on?
Look, we made a mistake,
and now we're taking
care of it, and that's
all you need to know.
No, no, no, no, no, what
does that mean, "We
made a mistake"? Like
"We" made this mistake?
I've got to get back, so why don't you two
take off before Braxton has you arrested.
Wow. Uh, Lieutenant.
Yes?
Just in case the military or you
should need any assistance at all...
...this is my card.
Mister... Alex.
Alex... Mathis.
Mathis.
On Twitter it's
bad-ass bug killer.
If you think of anything else
important, you can give me a call.
Oh, so look at that. That
wasn't so difficult, was it?
I will definitely be
giving you a call.
All right. All right.
I appreciate it, and
I could friend you.
All right, don't let this get out.
And try to stay out of trouble.
Hm.
Wow.
Hm, what a nice lady. I
think she likes you.
Can't believe I let
this one get away.
She's right there. I call her.
No, no, no, no, no,
Jose, the spider?
Oh, yeah. Hey, but
where are you going?
What do you mean, where am I going?
This is it, buddy.
What?
The end of our adventure.
It's been fun.
Hey, you cannot
give up now, Alex.
You heard her. She's got
the Army working with her.
What are we supposed to do?
But isn't this, like, the
biggest spider ever?
Yes, this is, without question,
the biggest spider on record.
Yes, so it would be good business,
right, for you to catch it or kill it.
Yes, if I could catch it
or kill it, which I can't.
Okay, but it could make
you famous, right?
Yes, this would get a lot of press.
What are you getting at?
Look, you could be
super- exterminator.
And Jose. And my boss told me to
help you, so I'm going to help you,
and you know, like, how?
Like Robin helps the Batman.
Like Tonto helps the Lone Ranger.
Like Kato helps the Green Hornet.
Yeah.
Like Sancho Panza
helps Don Quixote.
Yes.
Like John Oates helps
Daryl Hall, baby.
Yes, we are going to do this. We are going
to show her that spiders don't fly.
Yes.
And spiders don't swim.
Yes.
Some do, but that's not the point.
You and I are
going to find this spider
before they do. Come on.
Let's do it.
Wicked. [CACKLES]
The five-mile radius should be enough.
Let's get some eyes out there.
Any sign?
Containment is our
priority right now.
We have to neutralize the target
before somebody out there sees it.
The mere sight of this thing
will 'cause mass panic.
Sir, we have a problem.
Dodd, who shot the amateur video
claims it was footage of a giant spider
measuring over six feet in length.
We now go live to the scene
of this strange sighting.
I saw a big-ass spider. I
came around the corner.
First thing I had to do
was get my phone out.
Ain't nobody gonna believe this...
[BLEEP]
I seen this spider was coming at me, man.
It had multip...
like, what, eight, six legs?
Yeah, about that.
It had multiple legs, dope.
It had multiple eyes.
It was multicultured.
The fool's on crack!
If I see the spider again,
I'm gonna whoop his ass.
[BYSTANDERS HOOTING
AND CHATTERING]
Are we ready to
[BLEEP] the spider?
Yeah!
You better hide your kids, you better hide
your wife 'cause there's a big-ass...
bigger than a spi... there's
a mega-spider on the loose.
Find that building and the
connecting service tunnel.
Yes.
It is moving into Stage Three.
Thank you, Doctor. Karly.
I'm on it.
We're going to need a miracle.
[LATIN MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
Hey, I like that song, Alex.
I like that music, too, my
friend, but we've got to focus.
You're right. Focus. Okay, so
what is the biggest spider ever?
Biggest spider ever has to
be the Goliath birdeater.
Yeah, unbelievable. This thing's got a
six-inch abdomen, three-inch fangs,
13 inches across. But I gotta tell
you, what we're following now...
Yeah.
This thing, what I saw... Yes.
Much bigger.
Oh, come on.
I'm not kidding.
131/2 inches?
Much bigger.
14 inches. 141/2 inches.
Much bigger.
15 inches.
I'll meet you on the other side.
151/2... 16 inches?
20 inches.
- 20 inches?
What I saw was 20
inches long and black.
[JOSE CHUCKLES]
Sounds fun.
Sir, there's a phone
call for you.
This is Major Tanner.
Yeah, it's Officer
Edwards with the LAPD.
Something down here you're
probably going to want to see.
What is your location?
So what is this thing?
It's probably some
cross breed of spider.
I don't know. It's just, like,
a gigantic black widow.
Okay, so where would
a black widow go?
Well, black widows are night feeders,
so it's going to be looking for easy
access outside the sewer
tunnels, some food supply, not a
lot of traffic, calm
area, possibly-
Un ro.
What?
Un ro. The river.
Yes, yes, the L.A. River.
Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
There. There's something.
Oh, sweet mother of God.
It built this under one hour.
Looks like it housed maybe
20 or 30 people at night.
Do you see any survivors?
No. No one left. Except
for maybe some leftovers.
A little more to
the right, please.
It has molted.
Center. Center Command,
this is Major Tanner.
We are at Stage Three. I repeat.
We are at Stage Three.
This town has no
idea what's coming.
Ah, it looks like they
beat us to the punch.
Yeah, but do you think
they killed it?
I don't know. I'm
about to find out.
Hello?
Hey, it's, uh... it's Alex. I was just
wondering, um, so you got your spider, huh?
What? Where are you?
Where are we?
We're right across the
river from you...
...and your soldiers. Hey.
Listen, we just missed it.
Anything else?
Anything else. Um-
Ask her out, man.
What?
Ask her out, Alex.
No.
Don't be scared.
I'm not scared.
Listen. No offense, but I don't have time
for this, all right? Good-bye, Alex.
I was wondering if maybe- What?
Hello.
What happened?
Uh, spider's still on the loose.
Oh, it is?
Yes.
Okay, so. Where do you think
it would go from here?
Well, it's going to be
looking for food and fast.
Thought you said
it hunts at night.
Yeah, but something this size is
going to hunt when it's hungry,
and there's nothing around
but industrial space.
It could hide in the hills.
Yes, it could... Yes, it's
going to be looking for
higher ground. Very good
guess, Seor Watson.
It's going to need tree cover.
You know, my cousin had a
quinceaera at Elysian Park.
It's Sunday. There's lots of
people there cooking out.
That's where I would be with my
family if I had the day off-
Hey, you know what? Elysian Park.
Let's try Elysian Park.
Are you serious? I just
said Elysian Park, Alex.
Come on. Vmonos!
[MAN SCREAMS]
[BONES CRUNCHING,
CHEWING SOUNDS]
The drone has a lock
on our target, sir.
Good God.
Location?
Elysian Park.
Get units there now.
Oh, stop sign, Alex.
No, there's no slowing down.
We've got to get to the park.
Oh, there goes the stop sign.
We have got to get to the park
and evacuate these people.
[SIREN BLARES]
Oh, boy.
Oh, man. We gonna get it now.
I told you to drive slow.
I'll do the talking, okay?
Yeah, hope so. You're
the white guy.
Alex, wait-Oh, man.
Listen, I'm a
professional Driver.
I'm going to need you to
step back into your vehicle.
No, no, no, but there's
something huge in the
park, and I'm just
saying we have a major-
Alex, listen to him. Okay?
Just listen to him-
Excuse me, sir, I need you
to step back inside the car.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Put your hands on
the dash board.
Okay, good luck.
Good luck, Alex.
Back inside the car.
I understand what
this is all about.
What's going on in the park today?
You got a picnic?
All right, maybe I should just
donate to the officer's fund. Huh?
Is that right?
Huh? Is that what
it's going to take?
Is that... Is that what this is?
That's exactly what that is.
A donation to the
officer's fund.
Yes, siree. Can I go now?
This is a 12... $12 donation.
Seriously, man?
Yeah, this is all I got.
Twelve dollars? Sir, I'd
like for you to turn around.
Turn around? I'm a professional.
Put your... Turn around, put
your hands on the car, please.
There are hundreds if not
thousands of people in the park..
Their lives depend on us getting there.
- Is that right?
Yes, absolutely.
All units, all units, please
report to Elysian Park.
Yeah.
There's a disturbance
in progress.
Okay.
Huh? Huh?
Elysian... Elysian Park?
Oh, look at that. Okay, go! Go!
Don't... Don't be waving me off. You
better get out of here, all right?
This works. This works.
Can I have my bribe back?
[FAMILY SCREAMS]
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm going to ram it.
Oh. What?
Yes.
No, you're joking.
Yes!
[JOSE SCREAMS]
[ALEX AND JOSE SCREAMING]
Go! Go! Go!
I'm going as fast as I can.
Are you okay? Are you okay?
No.
Are you okay?
No.
You're not okay?
No, I'm not okay.
Okay.
Who in the hell is that idiot?
That's Alex Mathis.
The exterminator?
Yes, sir.
He's going to get
himself killed.
[JOSE YELLS IN SPANISH]
What?
[JOSE SPEAKS SPANISH]
Okay, listen. Enough of this. Your
Spanglish is pressuring me. All right?
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
I can't go on.
Hello, Western Exterminator.
We care.
Alex, this is Lieutenant Brandt.
Hey, Karly, how are you?
We're onto your spider.
We're in Elysian Park.
Listen, we're here, Alex. Get clear.
We're going to handle this.
Uh, no, no, we're going to take
care of the spider, and then I
am going to take
you out to dinner.
Alex, I'm not joking. You're
heading right into a crossfire.
I'm sorry. We're
heading into a what?
A crossfire.
A crossfire. What's a...
A crossfire? What's a...
[ALEX AND JOSE SCREAMING]
All right, on my command.
Open fire!
My truck!
You son of a bitch!
Alex, don't!
[SPIDER SQUEALS IN THE DISTANCE]
[ALEX GRUMBLES]
[ALEX SIGHS]
Are you insane? What
were you thinking?
Hey, did you miss me?
You could've been killed.
Well, we just thought we'd
bring the spider to you.
I don't have time to deal with this clown.
Get him out of my sight.
Yes, sir.
You're welcome.
Keep him out of our way. Lieutenant,
regroup the men and form a perimeter.
Yes.
I want to kill that bastard
while it's still in the woods.
Yes, Major.
And get some more men up here.
Hey, I lost my truck.
Uh, I lost my glasses.
You will need more firepower.
There's enough
explosive in here
to take out a tank.
Thank you.
I lost my truck. You're
worried about your glasses?
I'm... yeah, you're right.
Hey, Karly, what about me?
What about you?
Well, should I come with you?
Jose and I can be our own unit.
Yeah, I shot it a whole bunch.
All right, listen, guys. Seriously
I've really appreciated everything
you've done, but we've
got it from here. Okay?
Wait, Karly.
You guys, listen. You
guys did a great job.
Thank you. Karly,
you need my help.
Alex, what I've got to
do now is move out.
You and your men are about
to walk into a death trap.
The wooded area's her terrain.
This is home turf advantage for her.
They don't call her one of the greatest
predators on earth for nothing. Trust me.
Karly, you need my help
Alex, this is my job.
How come women never
listen to me?
What?
Stay sharp, boys.
Now, if you come across
a hide or lair, your
first priority is to
drop the thermite pack
and fall back immediately. All
detonation will be signaled from here.
Look out. Look out!
[SOLDIER?2 SCREAMS]
Where's Balzda? Where's Balzda?
We lost all of Alpha company.
Lon's camera's down, too, sir.
Target acquired.
Target acquired.
Engage.
[MAN SCREAMS]
Sir, we lost Private Parker.
Send teams Delta,
Echo, Foxtrot now.
Damn. Guys, I'm stuck.
Yeah, well, I'm stuck
in this stuff, too.
Okay, it's... Charlie One.
It's... Charlie One.
We need immediate backup now.
Lieutenant Brandt.
Yes, sir.
If it gets in your vicinity...
...and you have a chance to end
this, are you prepared to do so?
Yes, sir.
Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.
Quiet. Quiet.
Hi. What are you doing here?
I'm saving your ass. What do
you think I'm doing here?
Be careful. Be careful.
I know. I know.
Oh, my God.
Come on, hurry, hurry. Get me out.
Get me out.
I am. I am.
If I just heat the knife, we should be
able to cut right through it. Hold still.
Here... Here we go.
Yes.
Okay, thank you.
Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.
Okay, we've got to keep moving.
And don't stop moving.
Okay.
[KARLY GASPS]
Okay... whoa, whoa, whoa, keep moving.
Smooth, smooth, smooth.
Okay, I have a contingency plan.
Yeah, what's that?
You see this pack on my back?
Yeah?
Yeah.
It's filled with explosives that'll
blow that thing a mile high.
That's not good! If you
blow that thing a mile
high, you're going to
blow us a mile high.
I'm sorry, Alex.
What? Are you kidding me? The girl of
my dreams wanna kill me on my day off?
This is great.
Please don't do it!
[JOSE SCREAMS]
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Come one. We gotta go.
Let's get out-
[ALEX SCREAMS]
Come on. Come on!
Come on, Karly!
I'm coming.
[KARLY SCREAMS]
Karly!
No!
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, guys. Sorry, Alex.
Sorry, Alex? What do you mean, sorry Alex?
What's the plan, guys? We gotta rescue her.
You're kidding, Alex.
Kidding? No, I'm not kidding.
She's as good as dead.
Let's move on.
No! Wh-What are we all? We're just
numbers to you guys? Is that it?
Hey, Braxton, come on. What is this?
It's just collateral damage?
Lieutenant Brandt and I went
through hell and back to get her,
so don't tell me about
losing a friend.
She was a good soldier, and her
death will not be in vain.
Now, we're running out of time.
It's still out there.
And about to run amok
into Stage Five.
St... Okay. What-What's
Stage Five?
Doc, what happens in Stage Five?
Come on.
This is not the first time you
guys have dealt with this.
What did you make that is
running around killing people?
We didn't make anything, at
least not intentionally.
This arachnid is an aberration
from several unusual technologies.
Come on. In layman's terms,
what are we dealing with?
Alien biology, not terrestrial.
So you're saying the
spider's an alien?
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Not exactly, but yes.
DNA cross breeding
from microbial fossil
found in Martian soil.
So you made a spider do it with an alien.
That's messed up.
No, no, no.
That's messed up, guys.
This is your people, Alex.
No, no, no, we did cross
breed two species.
We isolated separate genes,
one of which, in particular,
produces a superior growth hormone.
It's promise is infinite.
Giant tomatoes to feed the
whole world and such.
"Tomatoes" is the first word
I understood. You know?
But something went wrong.
No kidding.
I got a question for you.
Yes.
So why do we got the giant spider?
I don't get it. You get it?
I don't get it. What's
with the spider, doc?
We don't get it. You
get it, Braxton?
It was an accident. One of the
fruit plants that were brought
in as a test subject had a spider's nest
hidden inside. The arachnid biology...
...was immediately responsive
to our growth hormone.
Major and I monitored
four stages of growth.
Letting it proceed to Stage
Five was deemed unacceptable.
What happens in Stage Five?
What happens in Stage Five?
Reproduction.
Of course. Reproduction. I
should've guessed that.
Yes, of course reproduction.
It would have to be
reproduction, right?
Because this fairytale has got
spiders from Mars, right?
It's a nice little bedtime story
to tell us you're telling us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got spiders
humping each other.
[JOSE CHUCKLES]
Alex, even with our
high-tech equipment, you
managed to find it the
same time we did.
Yes, I did.
No, wait. We did. Okay?
Right.
Correct?
You seem to understand
its nature.
Yes, I do.
So what's your best guess?
Oh, so now you want our help, huh?
School them, Alex.
All right, my professional opinion
is that without question,
she's going to lay her eggs as far away
from a populated area as she can get.
Humans she doesn't trust.
She never has.
So you're not going to find her
anywhere near a populated area.
What, like under a bridge
or a warehouse or s...
No, no, even more isolated.
Far away.
Sir, sir.
Far away.
Sir, I think you
need to see this.
We have a live feed of
Newscopter 8 that has spotted...
...the creature headed
toward Little Tokyo.
We advise you that if you are in
that area to evacuate immediately.
Or she might go downtown.
Oh, I-look. It's right there.
Found her.
It's big.
It appears to be climbing
up the top of City Hall.
The size of it is just unbelievable.
It also appears to be hostile.
If you are in the
downtown area...
All right, son, this is Tanner. Request
status on Operation Ground Swell.
Call in an air strike, Major.
Wait. Air strike?
What air strike?
Contingency.
You can't just drop a bomb here.
Oh, that's not good.
No, you can't... you
can't bomb downtown L.A.
We're running a little low on options,
so I'm calling in a targeted air strike.
You're risking the lives
of thousands of people.
Saving millions.
Wait a minute. There's
got to be a better way.
Enough of this. Remove
this Western Terminator.
What?
Oh, yeah? I'd like to see
you try it, pretty guy.
Oh, Okay. You got it.
Okay, we're leaving.
Sir, we have a lock
on the building.
Zooming in.
Is that Lieutenant Brandt?
I need a minute.
Copy that.
I hope you have insurance.
The company has insurance, yes.
Well, don't worry about it-
Alex, wait. It's Karly.
She's still alive.
Don't mess with me.
That spider, she laid her eggs on
top of the Epic Bank Building.
There are a lot of people trapped up there.
Karly's one of them.
Okay, so what do we do?
Well, you have about 24 minutes
before the jets arrive there.
And what happens before
then is up to you.
I'll drive.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Okay, so what's the plan, Alex?
The plan: Stop the spider,
save the city, kiss the girl.
Oh, good. Any idea
how to do that?
No.
That's what I thought.
Our guns are doing nothing
against this thing.
Disengage. Disengage. Pull back,
but maintain visual contact.
See, it's a perfect target up there.
If we can take it out on the rooftop,
it'll keep civilian
casualties to a minimum.
As long as we take out that
building before the eggs hatch.
[KARLY SCREAMS]
So can I ask you
something else, Alex?
Sure. Go, Mexican Robin.
How are we going to
kill this big spider?
I'm trying to figure that one out.
I mean, we can't shoot it.
Why?
Why? Because it's huge. The exoskeleton
alone is stronger than anything
we've got to penetrate it, and
it's resistant to flames.
It's resistant to
any kind of heat.
We have not even created a
fire suit strong enough to-
Fire, eh? How about fuego?
No, no, I just said
it's resistant to fire.
Yes, but the web catches on
fire, so can we use that?
Wait a minute.
What?
Wait a minute. That's it. Jose!
What?
If we can ignite the spinneret, we
can blow it up from the inside out.
Really?
- Yes!
What's a spinneret?
Spinnerets.
Spinnerets.
Spin.
Spin.
Spin.
Er... er... ets.
...ets.
Spinnerets.
Where's the spinnerets?
In its ass.
So we have to shoot the
spider in the butt.
In the butt.
How we going to do that?
That's right.
Uh, how we going to do that?
With this.
Oh, baby.
Right?
[JOSE LAUGHS]
Wicked.
Where's the air strike?
E.T.A. two minutes.
Have them circle once more.
You are insane, Braxton.
You can't risk these
eggs hatching. Take
down that building now.
I'm done with you scientists.
You started this thing.
Now, you let us finish it.
Remove this man.
Escort him out of my
command center now.
I will see you in hell, Braxton.
Get me Alex on the phone.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Western. We live to kill.
Alex, you have 10 minutes
to get to the 60th floor.
After that I have no choice. We can't
risk any of those eggs hatching.
Ten minutes is all
we're going to need.
Look out. Look out!
[TIRES SCREECH]
[SOUND MUFFLED]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING IN B.G.]
No, no.
Jose! Hey, Jose!
[JOSE GASPS]
Okay, I've got to go save Karly.
I've got to go save those people.
I'm coming with you.
No, we may not get out
of there in time.
Then we better get moving.
Let's do it, Alex.
Air strike E.T.A.
five minutes away.
[TARGET ACQUIRED.
TARGET ACQUIRED]
E.T.A. three minutes.
God help us all.
[MUZAK PLAYING]
[JOSE HUMMING]
[ALEX JOINS IN, BEATBOXING]
[SINGING]
We're gonna kill some spiders.
Gonna kill some spiders dead.
We're gonna kills some spiders. Gonna
shoot those muthas in the head.
[ALEX CONTINUES BEATBOXING]
And stop.
That's pretty good.
That was all right.
Let's do this. You ready?
I'm ready.
You nervous?
Yes.
It's good that you're nervous.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Let's do this.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. This is what
I was afraid of. She's laid her eggs.
Holy juevos.
Oh, look at this.
Oh, man.
Alex!
Karly.
Alex!
She's alive.
You were right.
I'm going to go help her.
You help these people.
Okay, I will.
There you go. Go towards
the exit on the left,
there's a lot of spiders
on the right. Okay
Alex!
Okay, I'm right here.
Right here.
Just promise me this is the last time that
I'm going to have to rescue you today.
I mean, seriously, two
saves in one day.
Hurry.
Alex! Alex!
I got it.
Nice.
Oh, boy.
Here they come. Time to go!
Help me! Oh, my God, help me!
I need a hand. I need a hand!
Oh, my God, she's dead.
[SECOND WOMAN SCREAMS]
We gotta go. We gotta go.
Alex!
Come on, Alex! Clear out!
Clear out!
[ALEX LAUGHING]
Come on, Alex!
Thank you for calling Western.
[ALEX SCREAMS]
Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!
[ALEX AND JOSE SCREAM]
Nice shot.
Yeah, well, now we're even.
No, not quite.
What?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
We're out of time.
Engage target. Engage target.
Yes!
Well, let's not
celebrate just yet.
[ALEX AND JOSE LAUGH AND HOOT]
So how much you gonna charge
for killing the big spider?
I don't know, but I hope it
covers the cost of a new truck.
Yes, he is. The major
wants to talk to you.
Major? Hope I'm not in trouble.
I hope not either.
Yeah, Major?
I gotta hand it to you, kid.
You knocked it
out of the park. Thank
you for saving Karly.
Well, thank you very much, sir.
I told you I'm a professional.
That you are, son. That you are.
Yeah, well, any time you have any
trouble, you know who to call,
except it's not going to be cheap.
I've got a partner now.
[JOSE CHUCKLES]
And there's a little
business about my, uh...
my truck. I made some
modifications to it.
Alex.
And I'm not sure that the insurance
at the company's going to cover it.
Alex.
Major, I'm going to
have to call you back.
Alex, can we get out of here?
I'm sorry, Jose. I live to kill.
Okay.
I got your back, babe.
Hey, Jose.
What?
You remember that conversation
we had in the... in the truck?
Which one?
The one about the spinneret.
We're going to shoot
it in the butt.
Find me that bazooka!
You got it, Alex.
You want some of the Ex?
Alex! I'm coming.
Throw it to me.
Watch out, Alex! Wake up, Alex!
Up yours.
[MEN CHEERING]
Yeah!
Nicely done.
I told you I'm a pro. I'm a pro.
Oh, look at you, you're gross.
Oh.
You've got web all over you.
You're one to talk.
Well, it looks like we're
stuck together for a while.
Is that a problem?
No, I don't have a
problem with that.
Well, what should you do with
the rest of your day off?
I can think of a few things.
All right, you guys.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. Hey, come on, guys.
Get a room. Okay?
Alex, I'm afraid we have a little problem.
What's the biggest cockroach you ever saw?