Big Bear (2017) Movie Script
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
Bachelor party! Bachelor party!
Bachelor party!
Bachelor party!
Bachelor party! Bachelor party!
Bachelor party! Bachelor party!
Bachelor party!
Bachelor party!
Bachelor party! Bachelor party!
Bachelor party! Bachelor party!
Bachelor party! Bachelor party!
Hey, hey.
You gotta catch up.
Here, here, here.
You're late to your own
bachelor party,
- chug, chug, chug.
- What are you doing?
I'm sorry.
- Why did you do that?
- You held my nose.
It's like a shotgun.
You plug the shotgun hole.
- You're an idiot.
- You are an idiot, Nick.
You wouldn't know an idiot
if it smacked you in the face.
Smack me in the face,
so I have a frame of reference.
- You want a slap fight?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm so glad you're here, man.
These two make me wanna puke.
That's a very underwhelming
mustache.
Why do you guys
all have mustaches?
We have mustaches for you,
for your bachelor party.
Did we not discuss this
with you?
No.
- Really?
- Yeah. What about Nick?
Nick got confused.
I thought I texted you from
my second phone. I'm so sorry.
No, I think I would've
remembered that.
I'm sorry. I guess I haven't
seen you in a while.
How you been?
- Not great, actually.
- Just hold on tight
'cause these guys have been
living for this week.
Yeah, look, the thing is...
Wait, wait, wait!
We got rules.
You need to learn the rules.
Colin and me wrote rules,
and you gotta learn 'em.
- They made rules.
- Yeah!
Bachelor parties.
I'm so sick of going to
bachelor parties and fishing.
- Or whitewater rafting.
- Boo!
That is not a bachelor party.
- That's a party.
- It's just camping.
A bunch of cock and balls
sleeping in the woods.
- It's a schlong-a-thon.
- Now, this great tradition
is not only a send-off
of one's bachelorhood,
but a way to send
said bachelor off
with a train car
full of regret so deep,
you'll never wanna be
a bachelor again.
That's beautiful, Colin,
really, but, guys...
Rule number one, get drunk.
Fastest train to regret
is alcohol.
Rule number two, stay drunk.
I wrote the first two rules.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nick!
- It's okay.
- I knew you'd freak out.
- Is he drinking?
It's been five years, man.
I need a fucking break.
- I don't think...
- Who cares if he dies?
- It doesn't work that way.
- I can have a beer or two,
in celebration of
your bachelor party, dad.
I wouldn't even be doing this
if you weren't getting married.
- No.
- It's on you, Joe.
- No.
- There's a meeting on Monday.
- I'll be there, okay? Promise.
- Look...
- Or Tuesday at the latest.
- I'll give you a ride.
I don't think
that's really the point.
Rule number three, hit the bar.
- Yeah!
- There's no better place
to hop on said train of regret
than a bar.
Rule number four,
and this is one of my favorites.
- This is a goody.
- Come back to the house
for a private viewing
of some of the local ballet.
I said no strippers.
That was the one rule I had,
was no strippers.
I lined it up
with a local agency.
Her name is Susan.
I'm sure she's very classy.
- Scotch-Irish, Joe.
- Susie.
- Okay, guys, look.
- She's clean, Joe.
Good. I imagine
they all are clean.
- She's clean, Joe.
- She's super clean.
Yeah. We think.
And rule number five,
the final rule,
the most important rule,
the reason why we're all here:
Wake up feeling so hungover
and guilty
that you never wanna be
a bachelor again,
and thus,
you're ready to be married.
Okay, look.
Guys, I really
just came down here...
- I wanted to tell you...
- No, wait, no, no, no.
Before you get
in any speeches, here.
Come on, here, here, here.
Beer, beer.
Okay, okay, now...
- Yeah.
- Speech.
- I came down...
- Speech, speech!
I came down here
to tell you, guys...
Fuck, what am I talking about?
You're the bachelor.
You can't do it.
It's bad luck.
- I'll do it, I'll do it.
- Yeah, let's do this.
It's a toast.
Come, come, Joe.
Come on, guys, get in here.
Okay, all right.
God, this is awkward.
Okay, so, Joe,
I've always looked up to you.
I think you know that.
You're smart, you're a handsome
son of a bitch.
You've never woken up
next to a fat chick
hitting you because you were
so drunk, you pissed the bed.
- Okay, Nick.
- No, it's okay, it's okay.
I'm in control now.
But before you met Jess,
honestly,
I didn't even know
that love existed.
I really didn't.
And I've never told you this
before either, but...
It wasn't until I saw
what you and Jess had
that I decided to stop drinking,
clean up my life,
find that love for myself
'cause I knew now
that it existed
because of you and Jess.
You inspire me, man.
You and Jess inspire me.
Here's to true love.
- Cheers.
- Cheers!
- Okay, you're up.
- My turn.
Uh, to Joe, to Joe.
Even though getting married
was the...
Worst decision I ever made
in my entire life,
and I hate my ex
more than anything,
- with every fiber my...
- Okay, all right.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Before you met Jess,
you were very, very lonely,
and you hated casual sex
for some reason that none of us
could ever figure out.
So, yeah, I guess, you know,
marriage, that's the...
That's the right thing
for you to do, so, cheers.
- Cheers. That was nice.
Is that me? Should I?
All right.
All right. Um...
I think you guys know
I don't believe in love.
I certainly don't believe
in weddings, you know,
the idea of families
coming together.
But I do believe in finishing
what you started,
so, you know, you said you're
gonna marry this girl and, uh...
Uh, cheers?
Cheers. Yeah, cheers.
Okay, end of show.
That's you, Joe, Mr. bachelor.
Speech!
Are you guys, done?
Are you done with your little
speeches and your little rules?
- Yeah.
- What's going on, Joe?
I'm not getting married.
- What?
- Are you serious?
Oh, shit.
- It's probably for the best.
- Shut your mouth, Colin.
Oh, fuck it.
- What happened?
- I don't know. I, uh...
I came home today after work.
This happened today?
Yeah, right before
I drove up here.
Oh, fuck.
She was sitting
in the kitchen, crying.
Her...
Her ring was on the table,
and she said...
Um...
She said it was over.
Ouch, dude.
What happened to your hand?
- I punched a hole in the wall.
- You okay?
Yeah.
I don't think it's broken.
No, I mean, you.
Are you okay?
Oh, um, yeah.
Yeah, I think...
I think so.
Maybe it's for the best.
That you found out
that she's a bitch now
and not two weeks from now?
Or before a couple of gremlins
crawled out of her.
Which you have to pay
child support for
when you only get
to see them every two weeks.
You only see your kids
twice a month?
It's a fucking travesty, Nick,
but here's the thing.
I try to look at the positive,
they have soccer games
on the weekends.
I have my boat time.
I don't bring the kids there.
It's dangerous, you know.
There's water. They can't swim.
It's not a safe place
for the kids, no.
But I get to do
bachelor parties though.
That's the one good thing.
Bachelor parties
with my buddies.
- Yeah!
- Oh, shit.
It's not your bachelor party
anymore.
I'm sorry, Joe.
Hey, man, did she
say anything else?
Anything? I mean...
Did she say there was
someone else?
Joe? Joe?
Joe.
- Joe.
- Joe!
This is so fucking bad.
Look, I just came up here
to let you guys know
that the bachelor party's
over, all right?
I'm sorry.
I know that you guys
were really looking forward
to this weekend,
but what I need to do right now
is just figure out my life.
What'd you have in mind?
Well, for starters,
before it closes,
I'm gonna go to Ikea.
- Ikea?
- Yeah.
I don't have anything
to sleep on tonight.
Okay, you just got dumped
two weeks before your wedding,
like garbage,
- and you wanna go to Ikea?
- Yeah, yeah.
I need furniture, you know?
I think you just need
to chill out for a minute.
Took his furniture.
It happened to me.
No, I didn't own any with her.
It was all hers.
And I am chill, all right?
Okay, okay. I can see that
you need furniture.
Why Ikea?
I like Ikea.
Nobody likes Ikea.
I do. I like a lot of Ikea.
I hate those little wrenches.
Oh, yeah, I know.
I swallowed one once.
Never came out.
How the fuck did you do that?
All right, all right,
all right, Joe, wait.
Why Ikea?
Because when I get
something from Ikea,
I know exactly how long
it takes to put it together.
It says right on the box:
3.4 hours to assemble.
I like knowing that for the next
three-point-four hours,
I'm gonna be assembling a brown
brusali with lonset slats,
and a white
stained oak veneer Malm,
or whichever fucking Ikea bed
I'm gonna get today.
Okay.
Maybe before you go,
you'll have one drink with us
at the bar.
It shouldn't take more than
oh-point-four hours.
- Nick, get over here.
- Ow.
- Hey, Colin!
- What are we doing?
Take him. Don't let him go
no matter what.
I got him.
We doing this?
Joe, we don't think
you're telling us the truth.
- I told you what happened.
- Yeah, but...
You didn't tell us
everything that happened.
No.
- Yes.
- Why?
Because you like to tell
most of the truth.
That's not what we want.
That's not what friends do.
We want the whole truth.
Did she fucking cheat on you?
- She fucking cheat?
- She fucking cheat on you, Joe?
No. No!
Careful. I've been drinking.
Did you get him?
I was always better
at this game drunk though.
It got real.
Guys, I don't wanna do this,
all right?
Bullshit you don't
wanna do this.
You drove all the way up here.
For a reason, I think.
Always there to help us,
but when he needs it,
he won't let us help him.
- Exactly, Nick.
- Classic Joe.
How about you tell us what
really happened to the hand?
I told you.
I punched the wall.
Yes, but why?
We've known you since college.
The last thing you would ever do
is resort to senseless violence.
I was mad at her.
This fucking guy.
You don't punch a fucking wall.
Mm-mm.
My fiance dumped me, all right?
- I was mad at her.
- No, that's wrong.
- Ah, Jesus, man! Fuck!
- Good darts.
- Honestly, I'm just throwing.
Just tell us what you won't
fucking tell us, Joe.
No, it's none of your business.
Oh, so you admit
there is something else?
- Aha.
- Ooh!
We're your friends.
Please.
Let us take care of you.
- Uh, does this count?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Tough love, buddy.
Ah.
- Joe?
She's in love with someone else.
- Who is he?
- I don't know.
She said she loves him?
She said that they didn't cheat,
that they just...
Fell in love,
but they didn't have sex.
Well, if they're in love,
then they're not having sex.
They're making love.
Technically.
An emotional affair
is still cheating, Joe.
I don't know. She said that it's
not really about him and her.
It's more about us,
our problems.
Oh, fuck that shit.
I hate that excuse.
God, we should find this guy.
We should kick the shit
out of him.
- Can we do that?
- Teach him a lesson.
- Make you feel a lot better.
- Going to jail?
Who's going to jail?
Why would you go to jail?
Show me a cop in the world
who's gonna put you in jail
for taking the guy
who stole your fiance
and punching him in the face
like a few hundred times.
- Not gonna happen.
- Never happen.
- No.
- He didn't steal my fiance.
Oh, my god.
Joe, you can't even admit that?
Come on, man. The guy
totally crossed the line.
What line?
Yeah, what line?
You...
Oh, yeah, I step over it
all the time.
It's very obvious,
in the moment. Here I am.
I'm talking to someone's wife
or fiance, mother,
and there's an attraction.
And then all of a sudden,
we're sharing energy.
And then there's a line.
There it is.
Oh, that line.
Yeah, I know that line.
And I have a choice.
Do I step over it,
or do I step back?
Guess what this cum stain did.
He stepped right over it.
- He stepped over the line.
- Stomped over the line.
- He stomped it, Joe.
- Like a stallion.
Let me ask you something.
Just hypothetically.
If you could do anything
to teach this guy a lesson,
what'd that be?
- What, anything?
- Mm-hmm.
I'd make him dig his own grave.
You'd make him dig
his own grave? Shit!
That's so dark.
Like in mob movies, right?
When they take a guy out,
they take him
to the woods to kill him,
but they make him
dig his own grave first.
In reality, I mean,
that must take hours, right?
And the whole time
you're digging,
you're just thinking
about what you did
that got you in that situation.
That's genius, man.
Yeah, then you pop that piece of
shit in the back of the head
three times, right?
Blap! Blap! Ra-ta-ta!
I'd probably have to, right?
No, you wouldn't.
No. You just
turn him around, right?
He's sitting there,
he's evacuating his bowels,
looking down into his own grave,
waiting for the lights
to go out,
thinking about what he did.
And then...
You let him go.
Fuck yeah. Dude would never
mess with you again.
- Yeah.
- Oh! You do nothing.
I love it.
It's the ultimate revenge.
You're sick.
Well, how about, uh, you know,
instead of sweet revenge,
next best thing,
some sweet, stanky booze?
Guys, I'm gonna go to that
meeting on Monday, okay?
Or Tuesday.
Wednesday at the very latest.
No, no, no, you're off leash.
- It's Joe's bachelor party.
- No, no.
It's not my bachelor party
anymore.
Rude.
Okay, so it's not the end
of your bachelorhood.
We can call it
whatever we want with you,
it's a celebration
of its rebirth.
That's exactly what he needs.
I'm in.
- Me too.
- This is a rebirth of Joe.
Come on, Joe.
- Come on in, it's warm.
- Join us.
Fuck it.
- Hey!
- Yes!
Oh, ho! Ah!
Oh, my god, I feel alive again.
I feel alive!
Susan!
Okay, Joe.
Susan's here for you, man.
It's time to take all that anger
and disappointment and sadness
and get it off your chest,
and just...
Just spray it on hers.
No. No, I'm not gonna do that.
Okay.
Well, just the lap dance.
Okay.
Aah! Whoo!
- I can do this.
- Do it, do it, do it!
One.
Two.
- Three.
- Yeah!
Got his hair.
Okay, you got his hair?
I did it!
Fuck, man!
What are you doing in here?
The whites.
Fucking weirdo.
Hey, did you hear that?
No.
I thought I heard some
banging in the basement.
Any banging in this house
is probably Colin
and that stripper.
Susan.
- How's your ass?
- Ah.
Have you seen a stripper
do that before?
I have.
When I was four.
- Oh!
- Fantastic.
Nick. Nick!
What?
Why didn't you puke
in your bathroom?
Wha... I puked?
In the sink.
Oh, shit.
I'm just waking up right now,
like this very second.
Well, good morning.
You just puked in the sink.
Clean it up.
Hell no.
No.
Nick, do you know if Colin
slept in the basement?
There's a basement?
Speak of the devil.
Damn.
Oh, it's up in my sinuses.
Oh, that's fucked up.
- How much did that cost you?
- Hmm?
How much did you
pay that woman for sex?
No, we paid crystal to dance.
She chose to stay the night.
Crystal?
Yeah. Susan is just
her stripper name.
That's good misdirection.
Grande Starbucks.
Actually, it's a medium.
You've been out.
Yup. Had some errands to run.
Oh, you fixing cars or...
Oh, are you talking
about my outfit?
I like the way
it feels against my skin.
This trail of mud
seems a bit... suspicious.
Oh, you're just a real
Benedict Cumberbatch.
- God bless the BBC.
- He's hiding something.
No, I'm not.
- We know you can't be trusted.
- Yeah.
Like that time you replaced
all my shampoo with Nair.
That was hilarious.
All of my hair fell out.
That was the hilarious part.
Nick, it was unfortunate,
but he's right.
It was fucking hilarious!
Ha ha.
This guy gets it.
Still, it proves
you can't be trusted.
He is hiding something.
There was a loud crash
in the basement.
What? Dude, you're...
What are you hiding, Erik?
Should we get the darts?
I got a surprise for you.
What is in the basement?
I think you're really
gonna like this.
- It might be Nair, dude.
- It's not Nair, Nick.
I'm just saying.
I'm not going down there.
What the fuck?
Do you love it?
There's somebody
tied up down here.
I'm sorry he's so muddy.
He tried to run,
and he fell by the lake.
I didn't do this.
I left him in
a more presentable position.
Oh, he's a big boy.
Erik, who is that?
It's the guy.
It's the fucking guy.
- Oh, my god.
- What guy?
He's finally done it.
Wait, he...
What has he done?
It's him.
You fucked us all.
Huh? What?
The point is we got him.
He's tied up.
He's not so fucking tall now,
is he? Is he?
What?
Happy bachelor party.
- Is he okay?
- I don't know. Joe.
Something's wrong with him.
Joe.
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
Yeah, I'm trying to help you.
I'm a little bit lost.
Who is that?
You think kidnapping
the guy who stole my fiance
is gonna help me?
- Oh, shit.
- Yes!
Dude, it's gonna make you
feel so much better
knowing that this asshole
paid for what he did.
So now I'm supposed to go down
there and beat him with an oar?
Or maybe waterboard him
for a bit?
Those sound like great options.
You fucking kidnapped someone!
I know!
You're welcome?
Hey, man, how did you
kidnap that guy?
Oh, dude, I'm glad you asked.
It was actually easier
than I thought.
First, I called Kelly.
Jess, his best friend,
would know what's going on.
- How's her juice business?
- I don't know. I didn't ask.
She's terrible with secrets
as you all know,
so it didn't take her long
to tell me where to find him.
You have to be the biggest...
Your place.
- Boom.
- I knocked on your door.
This grease ball answered.
I tied him up.
What about...
Oh, uh, sent Jess a text
with his phone.
"Sorry, I had to leave.
My hemorrhoids are killing me."
It works.
- Let me see that.
- No.
No, man, trust me.
You don't want to see the things
they've been texting.
- Sexting.
- It's more about sunsets.
It's revolting.
Okay. Help me out here.
I'm trying to piece it together.
Yeah, yeah, shoot.
Guy's kind of a big guy.
- Yeah, he's huge.
- He just let you tie him up.
Oh, no.
Dude, I had this mask on.
So?
So then I also had my dad's gun.
- What the hell?
- That helped.
Fuck! No, don't!
- That helped.
- Oh, great.
That's really funny.
Cool down with that thing, man!
For armed kidnapping,
that's another ten years.
Fucking great, Erik.
You've really done it this time.
Someone's gonna have to use
my chloroform.
Why do you have chloroform?
Most people have chloroform.
You're a scary person.
Seriously.
Well, great. Looks like
we're stuck cleaning up
another one of Erik's messes.
I think we need
to think about it.
I think we need to be
very careful on our next move.
What happens we let the guy go?
The guy squeals to the cops,
Erik goes to jail.
- Good.
- Flipside of that coin.
We don't untie him,
we're all accomplices,
and we all go to jail.
No one is going to jail!
How do you know?
Dude, nobody's
going to the cops!
Not it.
What? No.
No, you can't do that
in this situation.
Yes, coming, coming.
- Joe.
- I'm sorry.
Talk to the cop, Joe.
Put your fucking thumbs down.
You're coming with me.
- Do it.
- He's got yellow glasses.
Put your thumbs down!
Calm down. Just be calm.
Dude, they're fucking
shooting glasses.
Morning, officer.
Good afternoon, son.
Oh, I'm sorry,
is is that late already?
Boys having some kind
of a party here?
No. I mean, yeah, sort of.
I mean, it's not
a party-party.
Which is it?
Uh...
It's his bachelor party, sir.
No. No, it's not.
Not, not really.
No, it's really just four guys
hanging out for the weekend.
Just one, two, three, four.
No one else, huh?
No. No.
No.
We got a call about a woman
in disarray of dress
leaving this residence earlier.
Oh, yeah. Crystal... Susan.
- Crystal Susan?
- Crystal Susan.
- Crystal Susan.
- Crystal-Susan.
It's a hyphenate.
So that's an affirmative?
Yes.
Yeah, affirmative, affirmative.
You do realize that prostitution
is illegal in big bear.
Affirmative. Crystal-Susan
is a law student.
Actually, she overslept for
a law test on legal distress.
That's why she left
in disarray...
Of dress.
Yup.
You have a medical
marijuana card
from the state of California?
No.
Well, if I hear of anybody
using medical marijuana
for recreational purposes,
do you know the first place
that I'm gonna come?
Here?
Bright boy, bright boy.
Look at him go.
I got my eye on you four.
One, two, three...
Four.
Well, that was weird.
I'm letting him go.
Wait, wait, wait, listen.
If we make him realize
that he deserves what he gets,
he's not going to the cops.
You thought that
you'd kidnap this guy,
beat him up, and then he'd say,
"yeah, I deserved that."
Yeah, that's about right.
Is this just a joke to you?
No. It's not a joke.
Wha...
Do not untie him!
I'm gonna... I'm gonna come
take the tape off now.
Oh, it's really stuck on there.
Oh, it's really stuck.
I can't understand you.
There's tape on your face.
Rip it fast.
Oh.
Fuck!
Why would you rip it so slow?
I don't know.
I've never done it before.
- You took off part of my lip.
- I'm sorry.
You should be.
Look, I don't know
what any of this is about.
You don't know who I am?
Uh, no. Should I?
Well, you're wearing
my fucking robe.
Oh.
You're Joe.
You're laughing.
- No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- You're clearly laughing.
- I'm sorry. I'm not laughing.
- It's not funny.
I know it's not.
I'm just...
- I'm relieved.
- Relieved?
Yeah. I thought
it was work-related.
- What do you do for work?
- I'm in corporate takeovers.
Some people take it
very personally.
The guy who stole my fiance
is in corporate takeovers?
- It's an honest living.
- Okay, but you're still tied up
in a scary basement in big bear.
Oh, I love big bear.
But yeah, this is...
I don't think... you know?
Look, Joe, I'm really sorry
about what happened
between you and Jess,
but you can untie me now.
I'm gonna untie you, all right?
But before I do that,
I just want you to agree
that this was a stupid mistake.
Oh, agreed.
And I just need you to say that
you're not gonna go to the cops.
I'm sorry.
No, you can't just take somebody
and expect not to pay
the consequences.
Kind of like how you
just took my fiance?
Oh, like what you did there.
But no, it's not the same thing.
- It's not?
- No. I didn't break any laws.
The basic tenets of almost
every law ever written...
The ten fucking commandments...
Say you can't take
someone else's girl.
Actually,
that's your neighbor's wife,
and, technically, you guys
weren't married yet.
Who the fuck are you?
Look, Joe, I actually played a
very small part in your breakup.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You guys have a lot of issues.
Oh, we do? Do tell.
I'd love to hear them.
- Would you?
- Yeah.
Okay. Well, shit.
I mean, uh...
For instance, you...
You hated her family.
I didn't hate her family.
You didn't go on the ski trip
last year.
That really hurt
Jess's feelings.
I didn't go 'cause her dad
was gonna be there and...
Wait, how do you know all this?
That's right.
You're scared of her father.
I am not scared of her dad.
- You're not?
- No.
- You sure?
- Yes.
Really?
Fuck you.
Hey, wait, you didn't
untie me. Joe!
Hello?
What are you guys doing?
- Huh?
- Hey. Nothing, man.
- Did you untie him?
- Dude, what happened?
What going on? Hey.
- Um...
- Did you untie him?
No, not yet.
- Good.
- Can I have this beer?
Yeah, if you like drinking
in the morning, go for it.
He's kinda cocky.
Okay! So let's teach this cocky
motherfucker some respect.
Fuck. Hold on.
I'll get that.
- Be mean!
- Go, Joe!
Go get him, Joe.
Come on, let's do this.
Just a little.
All right, ready?
What was it, end of the lips
and over your gums?
Look, when I asked
for his blessing
to marry his daughter,
he said no.
Ooh. I could understand why
you'd be afraid of him then.
Exactly. No, I'm not...
He's a very traditional man,
so I thought if I asked
for his blessing,
he might finally
show me some respect.
Why did he say no?
He said that if we got married,
we'd have a hard time
because I don't make
enough money.
Hmm. How much did you
pull in last year?
75, 80k?
What?
Fifty? Sixty?
Less? Thirty? Joe!
I had a really rough year
last year, okay?
- It wasn't normal.
- That's right. You got demoted.
Exactly! Yeah, for reasons
out of my control.
Your boss promoted his
unqualified nephew or something.
Yes. He had never even
worked in our division.
How do you know all that?
How could you let that
happen though?
- No, I didn't let it happen.
- Yeah.
- Either that or get fired.
- So get fired or, shit, quit.
- If it's respect that you want.
- I want money.
That was the whole thing.
I needed the money
to have a good marriage
so that I could get respect,
I thought.
Look, Joe, I think Jess's dad
might've been right.
You can't support a family
on an income like that.
Half of marriages end
because of money problems.
And the other half end
because of infidelity.
- Whoa.
- Oh, right, right.
You haven't slept with Jess.
Yet.
Why you just untie me
before you do something you're
really gonna end up regretting?
You're smarter than this, Joe.
You need to wise up.
You know, you can't go around
doing shit like this.
- I guess I just did.
Fuck!
- Chop it up real fine.
- Make 'em a little fatter.
- Where'd you get this shit?
- It's one of Mike's items.
Oh, Mike.
Man, this is a good shit.
Make 'em fat, make 'em big.
Shut up. I know what I'm doing.
Fuck that guy!
Fuck yeah!
Now do you see?
Somehow that guy knows
everything about me.
- He knows everything about you.
- He does.
That's what these guys do.
They get the information,
they get the girl to vent,
start purging about
the boyfriend.
She told him everything.
- Told him everything about you.
- Fuck.
- He flipped it on me.
- He flipped it on you.
He fucking flipped it on you!
- Fuck that guy.
- Fuck that guy!
Except in this case,
he got the fiance to fucking
break up with the fianc
two weeks before
the fucking wedding!
- Fuck it.
- Yeah.
- Told you it was good shit.
- Is that my credit card?
Where? Oh, is this...
Yeah, I think that's yours.
Listen, we have a problem.
Yeah, I know.
We're all accomplices now.
Good for you.
No, we have a bigger problem.
Jess won't stop calling.
Really?
Oh, okay, I got it.
Here's what you do. You say,
"hey, sorry I didn't get back
to your texts or phone calls.
Just got out of the er.
My hemorrhoids are still
bleeding all over the place."
- Oh, gross.
- That's the OG story.
You gotta stick to it, man.
She's really worried
about him, huh?
Who cares? Let her worry.
Nope. Tell her something
that'll get her to chill out.
This is your fault
for not moving his car.
I'm sorry. I'm gonna kidnap him
and valet his car?
Didn't think about that,
did you, genius?
You know what? Why don't you say
"I'm sorry. My car didn't start,
so I took a cab
to my apartment."
- That's good.
- What if he has a house?
Your kids don't love you.
Sorry. I didn't mean that.
Say "I took a cab to my place."
- She said he left his wallet.
- Goddamn it!
I'm sorry I didn't have time to
gather his personal belongings.
Shit. She's gonna call the cops.
Fuck.
I need your help.
Fuck you.
I just need you to tell me
what to text Jess
that's gonna get her
to calm down.
Fuck you.
Okay, all right.
I'll take the tape off.
I know, I know. Rip it fast.
That is strong duct tape.
Come on.
What should I tell her?
Tell her I'm tied up
in a basement in big bear
- and to send the police.
- Seriously.
Seriously?
Why the fuck would I help you?
Because I'm gonna
take you back to la,
but it's gonna be
a lot more difficult
if Jess goes on one of
her patented freak-outs first.
I help you,
you're gonna take me back?
- I promise.
- Untie me first.
After.
Tell her I'm sorry
that I disappeared.
Melanie came and picked me up.
Who's Melanie?
My wife.
What?
Soon to be ex-wife.
- You're married?
- Yeah, but...
You cheated on your wife
with my fiance?
- Well...
- An emotional affair
is still crossing the line.
- What line?
- The line that you cross
when you're sharing energy
with someone.
- What?
- The fucking line you cross
when you're doing
something wrong!
But I guess you don't
see it that way
because you didn't bring your
dick across the line with you.
This better work.
Asshole.
Well? Did it work?
You guys use emojis?
What the fuck are emojis?
These. Stupid fucking
smiley faces and shit.
Yeah. Jess likes them.
So what?
Yeah, I know.
I hate 'em.
Told her I won't text her back
if she used them.
- Why?
- Because they're stupid.
They're childish.
If you're gonna say something,
say it in words.
- Yeah, but who cares?
- I do.
She likes them. So what?
That's her thing.
I mean, you think it's important
enough to fight about it?
I don't need your stellar
relationship counseling.
- Okay, professor love?
- Well, maybe you do.
You've already done a whopper
on my now previous engagement.
- You came asking for my advice.
Mmm!
Strong tape, strong tape.
- Too tight?
- Yeah, wait, hold on.
- Why are we tying me up again?
- So you don't hurt yourself.
I don't think it's necessary.
Ah, fuck, man!
All right.
- You'll thank me.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Why is Nick tied to...
What is she doing here?
Okay, Joe, it's cool.
She's here to help with Jess.
What? You told her?
Joe, crystal-Susan is a lady.
She understands ladies.
Okay, I'm sorry, crystal-Susan,
but it's already taken care of.
Oh, I was just trying
to help, so...
Joe, crystal-Susan
is here to help, okay?
Please, take it easy.
It seems like she's here
for you.
Well...
- Are you?
- Yeah.
- Are you really?
- Yeah, why not?
At least I think so.
Why is Nick tied to a chair?
Oh, I got such a good idea.
- But it's dangerous.
- It's not dangerous.
- Okay, is it dangerous?
- Perfectly safe.
- It'll kill him.
- What?
Colin, shut up.
Nick, you're gonna be fine.
Joe, we gotta
teach this guy a lesson.
It is the only way to make sure
he doesn't squeal.
- I think I'm out.
- Now, nobody here
is talking about
permanently hurting,
wouldn't do that.
Just talking about a little dose
of very healthy,
very safe revenge.
Like what exactly?
Okay, I don't think
it would be too much
to tie a car battery
to his nipples.
- What? No, no. Is that safe?
- No.
- I'm gonna test it on Nick.
- Untie me.
I say we pull out some teeth.
I think that would be permanent.
I think we should untie me.
Then we'll get his fingernails.
- Fingernails grow back.
- Good point.
- That's so dumb. So much blood.
- Let's untie me.
I'm sorry, Mr. electroshock
therapy torture man.
I'm trying to teach him
a lesson he will remember.
He's not gonna remember anything
if you fry his fucking brain.
Guys...
Do you...
Guys, guys, Joe.
Joe?
Hey, man, you okay?
- I'm taking him back to la.
- No!
We can't take him back
without scaring him first.
- I'll try and reason with him.
- Joe, are you okay?
You can't reason
with these people.
What was that?
What just happened?
And I'm taking him back
on my own, all right?
- Untie Nick.
- What just happened there?
- I knew it's gonna be too much.
- You okay, Joe?
I knew he was gonna freak out
with the battery.
You have one unheard
message sent today at 9:35 A.M.
Oh, Joey. Oh, baby, oh.
I want you to call
and cry with me.
Oh, shit.
Are you crying?
No. No, it was...
It was just my mom.
Your mom crying?
Okay, good.
Phew. That could've been
a little awkward.
- You're gonna be okay.
- Thanks.
Right?
Yeah.
Just hurts a lot, you know?
Yeah, man.
Do you remember back in college
when my barber died?
I don't think it's the same
kind of hurt, exactly.
Maybe.
He was the only guy in the world
I trusted to cut my hair.
And then he was just dead.
But you know, I needed
to have my hair cut still,
so I found a new barber.
But this fucking guy,
he was just so...
Confused by my hair.
There's a delicate,
sort of follicular flow
that goes on up here
with the two cowlicks.
I have, like, three crowns,
and it's confusing
for the best of them.
He just ruined it, man.
I was devastated.
It really stressed me out.
I didn't realize that you take
your haircut so seriously.
Oh, yeah, big time.
You know, and then my hair
started falling out clumps,
which is never good.
I thought, well, fuck, that's
gotta be because of the stress.
And so I thought, well,
you gotta stop the stress.
But then the stress became about
me trying to stop the stress,
which was stressful.
- Huh.
- I didn't know what to do.
I was so lost, man.
Then I found out that Erik
put Nair in my fucking shampoo,
and I was a little hurt,
but honestly...
I was a little relieved.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, because my hair
had a chance to start over.
It was a new day.
It was a new dawn for me
and my buds up there.
You know, I 'm walking around
bald as an eagle
with, like, no eyelashes,
no eyebrows,
but I didn't have that stupid
fucking haircut anymore.
I was free,
and the amount of time it took
for my hair to grow back,
I spent that shopping around
for a new barber,
and that's when I found Karen.
My rock.
So are you dating Karen now?
No. What?
What?
She cuts my hair.
What?
What?
Although,
now that you mention it,
I never really thought of her
that way before.
She's, uh, she's quite fetching.
No, fuck, shit. Uh...
He's ready.
All right.
Okay.
I mean it.
Yeah.
- All right.
- Okay.
- I'll be in.
- Okay.
Crystal left.
Oh.
You hurt her feelings,
so she went home.
No, you didn't.
She was just on
a stripper smoke break.
She had to get back on the pole.
You want me to untie him?
Not yet.
All right, should I do this
fast or slow?
- Slow?
- Fast.
Fast.
Oh, shit.
Sorry. That was really
on there good.
Yeah, he was thirsty.
Let's begin.
What the fuck?
- Erik...
- I watched a video on YouTube.
I know exactly how to do it now.
- You said you'd let me go.
- We are.
As soon as I introduce you
to mega-tron 26 here.
Whoa!
- Jesus!
- Oh, fuck.
- It'll work.
- It's gonna kill him.
It's not gonna kill him.
He's big.
Erik, fucking put it down,
all right?
Joe, you gotta
teach him a lesson.
No, no, I'm taking him back,
all right?
This was a huge mistake.
You're goddamn right it was.
But nobody got hurt.
- Yet.
- Just shut the fuck up.
These are teachers.
And can you really
blame my friends
for trying to make me
feel better?
You must be Colin.
Jess tell you I was the most
handsome of the guys?
No, but she gave pretty good
descriptions of all of you.
Not surprised at all that you
would do something this stupid.
Let me tell you something, guy.
There are a lot more
stupider things we can do.
More stupid.
You must be Nick.
Ha!
What? Fuck you, man!
Now I'm definitely gonna
electrocute him.
- Yeah, get him.
- Okay, you know what? No.
- I like being Nick.
- Yes!
No, you're not. Look.
It doesn't matter who anyone is.
- I'm taking him back to la.
- That is a bad idea.
This whole fucking thing
was a bad idea, Erik.
I haven't seen you guys
in months,
and I thought it'd be great
to reconnect with you
one last time before
I got married, but now...
Now I'm not getting married
because my fiance dumped me
for this fucking guy.
But instead of making me
feel better,
I'm hungover,
I can't sit down
because crystal-Susan
broke a belt over my ass,
and to top it all off,
you kidnapped this fucking guy.
- I have a name, dude.
- Shut up!
You know, when this thing's
all over,
I don't think I wanna
see you guys for a while.
I have to be honest, Joe.
I think that's for the best.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
What's that for?
- Just take it.
- No, no, no, no.
Erik, I am not taking that.
Uh-oh, he's running.
Oh, shit.
Go that way!
Split up.
- Why didn't you grab him?
- Was I supposed to grab him?
- I got him, Joe!
- Get him, get him, get him!
Come on.
Stop! Stop, stop, stop!
Agh! Fucking altitude.
Ohh!
Nick! Nick!
Ah, fuck. Okay!
Stop, stop, stop, stop!
Okay, okay, all right.
Hey.
What the fuck, man?
You run so fucking fast.
Do you work out or something?
I ran track in high school.
- So did I, Fifteen years ago.
- Why did you run, man?
- I said we're gonna let you go.
- So why are my hands tied?
You still haven't said that
you aren't going to the cops,
and I thought maybe I could
talk some sense into you.
Oh, right,
talk some sense into me.
Well, you're the one
who's still tied up,
which means that you can't swim.
- I bet he's a great swimmer.
- Oh, fuck yeah.
Come on, man.
I'll untie your hands
in the car.
That's a good idea.
Come on.
Come on.
Hey, guys, where'd he go?
Nick, hang on!
Oh, shit.
You killed him.
- Why'd you do that?
- He's not dead.
See? He's fine.
His nose looks kinda broken.
Yeah, it kinda does.
Come on, let's get him
in the car.
He still hasn't
learned anything.
Stop making this worse.
I'm trying to make it better.
Erik, no, I'm not taking that.
Do what you said.
Make him dig his own grave
and scare the shit out of him.
No, I'm not doing that.
No one is gonna wanna marry you
if you can't stand up
for yourself.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Have a nice drive.
If you hurry, you might
still make it to Ikea.
Hey, man, call us
when you get back to la.
Hey, I wanna tell you
that I texted Karen.
We're gonna meet up for dinner
next week in la.
Karen?
Yeah, my barber.
Give me the fucking keys.
Okay.
Ow.
Jesus, my nose.
Is my nose...
My nose is broken.
- It's fine.
- No.
This is fucking broken.
Look at this!
It was a little bit crooked
before.
- No, it wasn't.
- Yeah, it was.
I don't think so.
Everyone's nose is a little bit
crooked, all right?
You didn't have
a perfectly straight nose.
Oh, my god,
this is so uncomfortable.
My arms are gonna fucking
fall asleep.
Okay, I can't feel my hands now.
You don't need your hands
to sit in the passenger side
of a car.
It's two hours back to la?
Thereabouts.
What the fuck
are you worried about?
Well, you bulldozed me
into a lake.
Come on, man. I'm not gonna
jump out of a moving car.
Damn it.
Shit.
Oh, my god,
this is really uncomfortable.
Just try to relax your arms.
They won't fall asleep.
See how I'm sitting?
How am I supposed to relax?
- Just...
- Fuck.
- Now you have to untie me.
No way.
What, you know him?
Don't say anything.
I'm not gonna have to.
All right, lift your arms up.
Hurry up. Get them up.
I can't lift them any higher.
My arms fell asleep.
Oh, shit.
You're doing it tighter.
No, I...
I was tightening it.
He's coming, Joe.
Now he's coming.
Shh, shh. Okay.
Don't say anything, please.
Well.
Cheech and Chong.
Hi.
Hi.
Are you?
What?
Are you high, son?
No.
- What about you?
- He's not.
I was talking to him.
No.
Officer, I don't smoke.
Of course you don't.
You have any idea
why I'm asking you that?
Because you're cracking down
on the abuse of
medical marijuana in big bear?
Are you patronizing me, son?
No. No, I...
You said that before.
Is your nose broke?
No, sir. It's always been
a little bit crooked.
Hmm.
License and registration.
Affirmative.
What did you say to me?
Yes. Yes.
Registration's in the glove box.
Uh-huh.
You just got your nails done?
I got it, I got it.
What?
License and registration.
Where are you two young men
headed today?
- A hike.
- To la.
You both just told me
two different things.
Son, where are you headed?
Step out of the vehicle.
Officer, excuse me.
We're going back to la.
But we're just gonna stop off
real quick and have a hike.
You know, enjoy some nature
before we have to head back
to that smog-infested jungle.
I never did care too much
for Los Angeles myself.
Oh, lord, me neither.
But it sure is nice
that there's a place
as safe and quiet
as big bear's so close.
Up around the next bend,
there's a real pretty hike.
It's my husband's favorite.
Just make sure you park in the
designated parking areas only.
Absolutely.
Thank you, officer.
Sure.
Pants?
Next time.
Crack, crack.
Did he say husband?
Why did you say
we were going for a hike?
Because we are.
- I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
Okay, I could have just
told that cop
about the gun that you're
hiding underneath your leg.
Yeah? Well, why didn't you?
I don't know.
Because you saved me
from your friends,
and you said you were gonna
take back me to la.
And maybe I feel a little bit
sorry for you.
You ruined my life,
but not my bachelor party.
I thought it wasn't
your bachelor party anymore.
Yeah, well, it is,
whether I like it or not.
Okay, Joe,
but you're digging a very deep
hole for yourself here.
No.
That's what you're gonna do.
Ohh...
No.
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing?
I'm digging.
No, you're whistling.
Yeah. I do that
when I'm bored.
Aren't you thinking about
what you did?
No. I'm thinking about
what a waste of time this is.
- What?
- You're not going to shoot me.
If your friend Erik was here,
I'd be a little fucking worried
because that guy, he's psycho.
You need to be thinking
about what you did
that got you to this place.
I opened the door
to your psycho friend.
- Before that.
- I didn't convince Jess
to fall out of love with you,
all right?
That happened a long time before
I ever came around.
- Fuck you.
- It's true!
In reality,
I played a very little part
in the breakup of your marriage.
- A little part?
- Yeah.
Are you talking about your dick?
- No.
- Is your dick the little part?
Because in the reality
that I live in,
the number one thing
Jess loves to freak out about
is her allergy to latex.
So we always had to use
polyisoprene condoms,
and they only come in wrappers
like the one that fell out of
your pocket back in the car.
So I guess your little part,
I'm talking about your dick,
played a pretty big part
in why she left me.
Hey, it's your robe.
Could've been your condom.
Yeah. Well...
I don't wear magnums.
Has it ever occurred to you
that that she might've left you
not because of who I am,
but because of who you aren't?
Get out.
- What?
- Hand me the shovel.
- I can keep digging.
- That's deep enough.
- No, it's not deep enough.
- Yes, it is.
It's not long enough.
Hand me the fucking shovel!
Okay.
Get out.
Joe, calm down.
Turn around.
- All right, why don't we just...
- Shut the fuck up for once.
- Okay.
- Turn around.
Okay.
You don't need to do this, Joe.
I'm so tired of everyone telling
me what they think I need.
All right. Okay.
Maybe this is
exactly what I need.
Maybe I know.
Maybe I know what I need.
I love him.
Oh, shit.
Ooh!
Oh, my...
Oww!
It's all your fault, you fuck!
Why'd you do this to me?
- It's my fault, okay?
- I will fucking kill you!
- Don't kill me, please!
- Give me a fucking reason!
Because, Joe, I have a kid!
All right?
I have a daughter.
Her name is Meg,
and she's amazing and beautiful.
Please don't take me away
from her, Joe, please.
Please don't take me
away from her, Joe. Please.
Why is your wedding ring on
if you're getting divorced?
Why do you still have
your wedding ring on?
You haven't told her yet?
I was gonna tell her today.
We weren't careful, and...
I thought it was the right thing
to do, to get married.
Was it also
the right thing to do
to cheat on your wife
with my fiance?
Jess didn't cheat on you.
Not like that.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Yeah, last night was
the first time that we ever...
Polyisoprened.
Great. You guys just started
boning last night.
That makes me feel
so much better. Thank you.
You know what, Joe?
My life is not all rosy either.
- Really?
- No, it's not.
I got married to a woman
that I barely even know.
We're not happy.
Why marry someone
you're not happy with?
It didn't seem like the most
important criteria at the time.
Why did you wanna
get married to Jess?
- Because I love her.
- Yeah?
So what?
What else?
Because we...
Because we...
We were dating.
We lived together and...
Then you get married.
So it was just a step?
Things were good.
We worked.
Isn't that why you marry someone
because you love them
and you can live with them?
No, I don't think so anymore.
I think you marry someone
because you love them,
and you can't live without them.
For the longest time, I was just
dealing with my life, you know,
because I took the step that I
thought I was supposed to take.
But that's not fair.
It's not fair to my wife,
it's not fair to my daughter,
and it's not fair to me.
Then I met Jess,
and it was different.
I was different,
and I knew immediately
that no matter what,
no matter how fucking messy
this thing got,
no matter how painful,
this was life...
Giving me exactly what I needed:
An opportunity to start over.
Like Nair.
What?
I was relieved.
When she broke off
the engagement, I was angry
and disappointed
and pissed, but...
The first thing I felt, and I...
I didn't know why,
I was relieved.
I guess it was
a pretty good sign
that you weren't
supposed be married.
So in a way, I guess
I sort of did you a favor.
No, I'm kidding.
Jesus, man.
Fuck, are you for real?
I mean, after all this?
You were kidnapped,
tied up in a basement,
I put a fucking gun to your head
and made you dig a hole
in the ground,
and you still can't say
that you feel sorry
for stealing my fiance?
Why do you care so much
about how I feel?
I don't know.
I think I thought
it would make it go away.
Make what go away?
It's like this bear
comes out of the woods
and just sits down on my chest,
and I can't breathe.
I feel like I'm gonna suffocate
because this fucking bear
is just sitting on top of me.
Thought maybe if I got revenge,
it would stop.
So you thought if you killed me,
your panic attacks
would go away?
- What?
- You get tunnel vision?
Yeah.
Feel like your heart's beating
out of your chest?
Yeah.
I had those
right before I had my kid.
I was so fucking scared.
How did you get it to stop?
- Well, I didn't kill anybody.
- I wasn't gonna kill you.
I just thought
maybe if I scared you,
you know, if I made you
dig your own grave...
Like in a mob movie?
Yeah.
That's ridiculous.
You know, when I get back to la,
I have nowhere to live.
I am a...
I am a homeless, underemployed,
thirty-something
single male
who just got dumped
by his fiance
because he was too afraid
to do it himself.
Well, hey,
I'm getting a divorce.
- You're gonna be a divorc.
- With a kid.
Oh, shit.
Oh, man.
- That might be worse.
- It's way worse.
And you're never gonna
get custody of the kid
because you're leaving her,
and you're only gonna
get to see your kid
twice a month, if that.
Oh, shit.
Jess farts in her sleep.
Really?
Sometimes.
Just make sure
you fall asleep first.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just leave it at Jess's.
I need to get my clothes still.
Thanks.
Hey, Joe, I know you don't want
anybody telling you
what you need right now, but...
I always found it was best
just to face it head-on.
What?
The bear.
Aaahhh!
Aaahhh!
Aaahhh!
No, no!
Ohh!
Boom, boom, boom!
Fuck yeah!
Oh! Oh, that was awesome.
Awesome, awesome.
That was awesome.
- You guys were great.
- Fuck you!
Yeah?
Fuck you.
Welcome back, amigo.
Gracias.
Ahh!
I feel so much better.
Oh, you guys
probably want those off.
Ow! Ohh!
These clamps really hurt.
What are you doing, Joe?
I think the faster, the better.
You wouldn't.
- I need to.
- No, you don't.
- Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.
- No, no, no, no!
- Don't!
I know. I know we all lose
our way from time to time.
I just thought I was
stronger than that, you know?
I'm embarrassed.
No, you're right, you're right.
Without weakness, we never
know what true strength is.
Sage words.
What time is the meeting
tomorrow night?
No, I don't need a ride.
That's cool. All right.
Thanks, Mike.
I'll see you there, definitely.
All right. Later, bye.
Sorry about that.
Hey, where's my dad's gun?
Oh, I buried it.
Really?
Yeah.
Damn it, man!
He's gonna be really pissed off.
Well, I hate my dad.
You need a place to crash
for a while, Joe?
Uh, no, I'm good. Thanks.
Where are you gonna stay?
I have no idea.
- Hey, dude!
- What, what?
Come over here.
Give me a hug, man.
See, what you were scared of
this whole time
is exactly what you've been
fighting for, man.
Hey!
Did I tell you
what to think, man?
Well, good.
But I hope you didn't listen.
At least in hindsight.
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
Bachelor party! Bachelor party!
Bachelor party!
Bachelor party!
Bachelor party! Bachelor party!
Bachelor party! Bachelor party!
Bachelor party!
Bachelor party!
Bachelor party! Bachelor party!
Bachelor party! Bachelor party!
Bachelor party! Bachelor party!
Hey, hey.
You gotta catch up.
Here, here, here.
You're late to your own
bachelor party,
- chug, chug, chug.
- What are you doing?
I'm sorry.
- Why did you do that?
- You held my nose.
It's like a shotgun.
You plug the shotgun hole.
- You're an idiot.
- You are an idiot, Nick.
You wouldn't know an idiot
if it smacked you in the face.
Smack me in the face,
so I have a frame of reference.
- You want a slap fight?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm so glad you're here, man.
These two make me wanna puke.
That's a very underwhelming
mustache.
Why do you guys
all have mustaches?
We have mustaches for you,
for your bachelor party.
Did we not discuss this
with you?
No.
- Really?
- Yeah. What about Nick?
Nick got confused.
I thought I texted you from
my second phone. I'm so sorry.
No, I think I would've
remembered that.
I'm sorry. I guess I haven't
seen you in a while.
How you been?
- Not great, actually.
- Just hold on tight
'cause these guys have been
living for this week.
Yeah, look, the thing is...
Wait, wait, wait!
We got rules.
You need to learn the rules.
Colin and me wrote rules,
and you gotta learn 'em.
- They made rules.
- Yeah!
Bachelor parties.
I'm so sick of going to
bachelor parties and fishing.
- Or whitewater rafting.
- Boo!
That is not a bachelor party.
- That's a party.
- It's just camping.
A bunch of cock and balls
sleeping in the woods.
- It's a schlong-a-thon.
- Now, this great tradition
is not only a send-off
of one's bachelorhood,
but a way to send
said bachelor off
with a train car
full of regret so deep,
you'll never wanna be
a bachelor again.
That's beautiful, Colin,
really, but, guys...
Rule number one, get drunk.
Fastest train to regret
is alcohol.
Rule number two, stay drunk.
I wrote the first two rules.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nick!
- It's okay.
- I knew you'd freak out.
- Is he drinking?
It's been five years, man.
I need a fucking break.
- I don't think...
- Who cares if he dies?
- It doesn't work that way.
- I can have a beer or two,
in celebration of
your bachelor party, dad.
I wouldn't even be doing this
if you weren't getting married.
- No.
- It's on you, Joe.
- No.
- There's a meeting on Monday.
- I'll be there, okay? Promise.
- Look...
- Or Tuesday at the latest.
- I'll give you a ride.
I don't think
that's really the point.
Rule number three, hit the bar.
- Yeah!
- There's no better place
to hop on said train of regret
than a bar.
Rule number four,
and this is one of my favorites.
- This is a goody.
- Come back to the house
for a private viewing
of some of the local ballet.
I said no strippers.
That was the one rule I had,
was no strippers.
I lined it up
with a local agency.
Her name is Susan.
I'm sure she's very classy.
- Scotch-Irish, Joe.
- Susie.
- Okay, guys, look.
- She's clean, Joe.
Good. I imagine
they all are clean.
- She's clean, Joe.
- She's super clean.
Yeah. We think.
And rule number five,
the final rule,
the most important rule,
the reason why we're all here:
Wake up feeling so hungover
and guilty
that you never wanna be
a bachelor again,
and thus,
you're ready to be married.
Okay, look.
Guys, I really
just came down here...
- I wanted to tell you...
- No, wait, no, no, no.
Before you get
in any speeches, here.
Come on, here, here, here.
Beer, beer.
Okay, okay, now...
- Yeah.
- Speech.
- I came down...
- Speech, speech!
I came down here
to tell you, guys...
Fuck, what am I talking about?
You're the bachelor.
You can't do it.
It's bad luck.
- I'll do it, I'll do it.
- Yeah, let's do this.
It's a toast.
Come, come, Joe.
Come on, guys, get in here.
Okay, all right.
God, this is awkward.
Okay, so, Joe,
I've always looked up to you.
I think you know that.
You're smart, you're a handsome
son of a bitch.
You've never woken up
next to a fat chick
hitting you because you were
so drunk, you pissed the bed.
- Okay, Nick.
- No, it's okay, it's okay.
I'm in control now.
But before you met Jess,
honestly,
I didn't even know
that love existed.
I really didn't.
And I've never told you this
before either, but...
It wasn't until I saw
what you and Jess had
that I decided to stop drinking,
clean up my life,
find that love for myself
'cause I knew now
that it existed
because of you and Jess.
You inspire me, man.
You and Jess inspire me.
Here's to true love.
- Cheers.
- Cheers!
- Okay, you're up.
- My turn.
Uh, to Joe, to Joe.
Even though getting married
was the...
Worst decision I ever made
in my entire life,
and I hate my ex
more than anything,
- with every fiber my...
- Okay, all right.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Before you met Jess,
you were very, very lonely,
and you hated casual sex
for some reason that none of us
could ever figure out.
So, yeah, I guess, you know,
marriage, that's the...
That's the right thing
for you to do, so, cheers.
- Cheers. That was nice.
Is that me? Should I?
All right.
All right. Um...
I think you guys know
I don't believe in love.
I certainly don't believe
in weddings, you know,
the idea of families
coming together.
But I do believe in finishing
what you started,
so, you know, you said you're
gonna marry this girl and, uh...
Uh, cheers?
Cheers. Yeah, cheers.
Okay, end of show.
That's you, Joe, Mr. bachelor.
Speech!
Are you guys, done?
Are you done with your little
speeches and your little rules?
- Yeah.
- What's going on, Joe?
I'm not getting married.
- What?
- Are you serious?
Oh, shit.
- It's probably for the best.
- Shut your mouth, Colin.
Oh, fuck it.
- What happened?
- I don't know. I, uh...
I came home today after work.
This happened today?
Yeah, right before
I drove up here.
Oh, fuck.
She was sitting
in the kitchen, crying.
Her...
Her ring was on the table,
and she said...
Um...
She said it was over.
Ouch, dude.
What happened to your hand?
- I punched a hole in the wall.
- You okay?
Yeah.
I don't think it's broken.
No, I mean, you.
Are you okay?
Oh, um, yeah.
Yeah, I think...
I think so.
Maybe it's for the best.
That you found out
that she's a bitch now
and not two weeks from now?
Or before a couple of gremlins
crawled out of her.
Which you have to pay
child support for
when you only get
to see them every two weeks.
You only see your kids
twice a month?
It's a fucking travesty, Nick,
but here's the thing.
I try to look at the positive,
they have soccer games
on the weekends.
I have my boat time.
I don't bring the kids there.
It's dangerous, you know.
There's water. They can't swim.
It's not a safe place
for the kids, no.
But I get to do
bachelor parties though.
That's the one good thing.
Bachelor parties
with my buddies.
- Yeah!
- Oh, shit.
It's not your bachelor party
anymore.
I'm sorry, Joe.
Hey, man, did she
say anything else?
Anything? I mean...
Did she say there was
someone else?
Joe? Joe?
Joe.
- Joe.
- Joe!
This is so fucking bad.
Look, I just came up here
to let you guys know
that the bachelor party's
over, all right?
I'm sorry.
I know that you guys
were really looking forward
to this weekend,
but what I need to do right now
is just figure out my life.
What'd you have in mind?
Well, for starters,
before it closes,
I'm gonna go to Ikea.
- Ikea?
- Yeah.
I don't have anything
to sleep on tonight.
Okay, you just got dumped
two weeks before your wedding,
like garbage,
- and you wanna go to Ikea?
- Yeah, yeah.
I need furniture, you know?
I think you just need
to chill out for a minute.
Took his furniture.
It happened to me.
No, I didn't own any with her.
It was all hers.
And I am chill, all right?
Okay, okay. I can see that
you need furniture.
Why Ikea?
I like Ikea.
Nobody likes Ikea.
I do. I like a lot of Ikea.
I hate those little wrenches.
Oh, yeah, I know.
I swallowed one once.
Never came out.
How the fuck did you do that?
All right, all right,
all right, Joe, wait.
Why Ikea?
Because when I get
something from Ikea,
I know exactly how long
it takes to put it together.
It says right on the box:
3.4 hours to assemble.
I like knowing that for the next
three-point-four hours,
I'm gonna be assembling a brown
brusali with lonset slats,
and a white
stained oak veneer Malm,
or whichever fucking Ikea bed
I'm gonna get today.
Okay.
Maybe before you go,
you'll have one drink with us
at the bar.
It shouldn't take more than
oh-point-four hours.
- Nick, get over here.
- Ow.
- Hey, Colin!
- What are we doing?
Take him. Don't let him go
no matter what.
I got him.
We doing this?
Joe, we don't think
you're telling us the truth.
- I told you what happened.
- Yeah, but...
You didn't tell us
everything that happened.
No.
- Yes.
- Why?
Because you like to tell
most of the truth.
That's not what we want.
That's not what friends do.
We want the whole truth.
Did she fucking cheat on you?
- She fucking cheat?
- She fucking cheat on you, Joe?
No. No!
Careful. I've been drinking.
Did you get him?
I was always better
at this game drunk though.
It got real.
Guys, I don't wanna do this,
all right?
Bullshit you don't
wanna do this.
You drove all the way up here.
For a reason, I think.
Always there to help us,
but when he needs it,
he won't let us help him.
- Exactly, Nick.
- Classic Joe.
How about you tell us what
really happened to the hand?
I told you.
I punched the wall.
Yes, but why?
We've known you since college.
The last thing you would ever do
is resort to senseless violence.
I was mad at her.
This fucking guy.
You don't punch a fucking wall.
Mm-mm.
My fiance dumped me, all right?
- I was mad at her.
- No, that's wrong.
- Ah, Jesus, man! Fuck!
- Good darts.
- Honestly, I'm just throwing.
Just tell us what you won't
fucking tell us, Joe.
No, it's none of your business.
Oh, so you admit
there is something else?
- Aha.
- Ooh!
We're your friends.
Please.
Let us take care of you.
- Uh, does this count?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Tough love, buddy.
Ah.
- Joe?
She's in love with someone else.
- Who is he?
- I don't know.
She said she loves him?
She said that they didn't cheat,
that they just...
Fell in love,
but they didn't have sex.
Well, if they're in love,
then they're not having sex.
They're making love.
Technically.
An emotional affair
is still cheating, Joe.
I don't know. She said that it's
not really about him and her.
It's more about us,
our problems.
Oh, fuck that shit.
I hate that excuse.
God, we should find this guy.
We should kick the shit
out of him.
- Can we do that?
- Teach him a lesson.
- Make you feel a lot better.
- Going to jail?
Who's going to jail?
Why would you go to jail?
Show me a cop in the world
who's gonna put you in jail
for taking the guy
who stole your fiance
and punching him in the face
like a few hundred times.
- Not gonna happen.
- Never happen.
- No.
- He didn't steal my fiance.
Oh, my god.
Joe, you can't even admit that?
Come on, man. The guy
totally crossed the line.
What line?
Yeah, what line?
You...
Oh, yeah, I step over it
all the time.
It's very obvious,
in the moment. Here I am.
I'm talking to someone's wife
or fiance, mother,
and there's an attraction.
And then all of a sudden,
we're sharing energy.
And then there's a line.
There it is.
Oh, that line.
Yeah, I know that line.
And I have a choice.
Do I step over it,
or do I step back?
Guess what this cum stain did.
He stepped right over it.
- He stepped over the line.
- Stomped over the line.
- He stomped it, Joe.
- Like a stallion.
Let me ask you something.
Just hypothetically.
If you could do anything
to teach this guy a lesson,
what'd that be?
- What, anything?
- Mm-hmm.
I'd make him dig his own grave.
You'd make him dig
his own grave? Shit!
That's so dark.
Like in mob movies, right?
When they take a guy out,
they take him
to the woods to kill him,
but they make him
dig his own grave first.
In reality, I mean,
that must take hours, right?
And the whole time
you're digging,
you're just thinking
about what you did
that got you in that situation.
That's genius, man.
Yeah, then you pop that piece of
shit in the back of the head
three times, right?
Blap! Blap! Ra-ta-ta!
I'd probably have to, right?
No, you wouldn't.
No. You just
turn him around, right?
He's sitting there,
he's evacuating his bowels,
looking down into his own grave,
waiting for the lights
to go out,
thinking about what he did.
And then...
You let him go.
Fuck yeah. Dude would never
mess with you again.
- Yeah.
- Oh! You do nothing.
I love it.
It's the ultimate revenge.
You're sick.
Well, how about, uh, you know,
instead of sweet revenge,
next best thing,
some sweet, stanky booze?
Guys, I'm gonna go to that
meeting on Monday, okay?
Or Tuesday.
Wednesday at the very latest.
No, no, no, you're off leash.
- It's Joe's bachelor party.
- No, no.
It's not my bachelor party
anymore.
Rude.
Okay, so it's not the end
of your bachelorhood.
We can call it
whatever we want with you,
it's a celebration
of its rebirth.
That's exactly what he needs.
I'm in.
- Me too.
- This is a rebirth of Joe.
Come on, Joe.
- Come on in, it's warm.
- Join us.
Fuck it.
- Hey!
- Yes!
Oh, ho! Ah!
Oh, my god, I feel alive again.
I feel alive!
Susan!
Okay, Joe.
Susan's here for you, man.
It's time to take all that anger
and disappointment and sadness
and get it off your chest,
and just...
Just spray it on hers.
No. No, I'm not gonna do that.
Okay.
Well, just the lap dance.
Okay.
Aah! Whoo!
- I can do this.
- Do it, do it, do it!
One.
Two.
- Three.
- Yeah!
Got his hair.
Okay, you got his hair?
I did it!
Fuck, man!
What are you doing in here?
The whites.
Fucking weirdo.
Hey, did you hear that?
No.
I thought I heard some
banging in the basement.
Any banging in this house
is probably Colin
and that stripper.
Susan.
- How's your ass?
- Ah.
Have you seen a stripper
do that before?
I have.
When I was four.
- Oh!
- Fantastic.
Nick. Nick!
What?
Why didn't you puke
in your bathroom?
Wha... I puked?
In the sink.
Oh, shit.
I'm just waking up right now,
like this very second.
Well, good morning.
You just puked in the sink.
Clean it up.
Hell no.
No.
Nick, do you know if Colin
slept in the basement?
There's a basement?
Speak of the devil.
Damn.
Oh, it's up in my sinuses.
Oh, that's fucked up.
- How much did that cost you?
- Hmm?
How much did you
pay that woman for sex?
No, we paid crystal to dance.
She chose to stay the night.
Crystal?
Yeah. Susan is just
her stripper name.
That's good misdirection.
Grande Starbucks.
Actually, it's a medium.
You've been out.
Yup. Had some errands to run.
Oh, you fixing cars or...
Oh, are you talking
about my outfit?
I like the way
it feels against my skin.
This trail of mud
seems a bit... suspicious.
Oh, you're just a real
Benedict Cumberbatch.
- God bless the BBC.
- He's hiding something.
No, I'm not.
- We know you can't be trusted.
- Yeah.
Like that time you replaced
all my shampoo with Nair.
That was hilarious.
All of my hair fell out.
That was the hilarious part.
Nick, it was unfortunate,
but he's right.
It was fucking hilarious!
Ha ha.
This guy gets it.
Still, it proves
you can't be trusted.
He is hiding something.
There was a loud crash
in the basement.
What? Dude, you're...
What are you hiding, Erik?
Should we get the darts?
I got a surprise for you.
What is in the basement?
I think you're really
gonna like this.
- It might be Nair, dude.
- It's not Nair, Nick.
I'm just saying.
I'm not going down there.
What the fuck?
Do you love it?
There's somebody
tied up down here.
I'm sorry he's so muddy.
He tried to run,
and he fell by the lake.
I didn't do this.
I left him in
a more presentable position.
Oh, he's a big boy.
Erik, who is that?
It's the guy.
It's the fucking guy.
- Oh, my god.
- What guy?
He's finally done it.
Wait, he...
What has he done?
It's him.
You fucked us all.
Huh? What?
The point is we got him.
He's tied up.
He's not so fucking tall now,
is he? Is he?
What?
Happy bachelor party.
- Is he okay?
- I don't know. Joe.
Something's wrong with him.
Joe.
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
Yeah, I'm trying to help you.
I'm a little bit lost.
Who is that?
You think kidnapping
the guy who stole my fiance
is gonna help me?
- Oh, shit.
- Yes!
Dude, it's gonna make you
feel so much better
knowing that this asshole
paid for what he did.
So now I'm supposed to go down
there and beat him with an oar?
Or maybe waterboard him
for a bit?
Those sound like great options.
You fucking kidnapped someone!
I know!
You're welcome?
Hey, man, how did you
kidnap that guy?
Oh, dude, I'm glad you asked.
It was actually easier
than I thought.
First, I called Kelly.
Jess, his best friend,
would know what's going on.
- How's her juice business?
- I don't know. I didn't ask.
She's terrible with secrets
as you all know,
so it didn't take her long
to tell me where to find him.
You have to be the biggest...
Your place.
- Boom.
- I knocked on your door.
This grease ball answered.
I tied him up.
What about...
Oh, uh, sent Jess a text
with his phone.
"Sorry, I had to leave.
My hemorrhoids are killing me."
It works.
- Let me see that.
- No.
No, man, trust me.
You don't want to see the things
they've been texting.
- Sexting.
- It's more about sunsets.
It's revolting.
Okay. Help me out here.
I'm trying to piece it together.
Yeah, yeah, shoot.
Guy's kind of a big guy.
- Yeah, he's huge.
- He just let you tie him up.
Oh, no.
Dude, I had this mask on.
So?
So then I also had my dad's gun.
- What the hell?
- That helped.
Fuck! No, don't!
- That helped.
- Oh, great.
That's really funny.
Cool down with that thing, man!
For armed kidnapping,
that's another ten years.
Fucking great, Erik.
You've really done it this time.
Someone's gonna have to use
my chloroform.
Why do you have chloroform?
Most people have chloroform.
You're a scary person.
Seriously.
Well, great. Looks like
we're stuck cleaning up
another one of Erik's messes.
I think we need
to think about it.
I think we need to be
very careful on our next move.
What happens we let the guy go?
The guy squeals to the cops,
Erik goes to jail.
- Good.
- Flipside of that coin.
We don't untie him,
we're all accomplices,
and we all go to jail.
No one is going to jail!
How do you know?
Dude, nobody's
going to the cops!
Not it.
What? No.
No, you can't do that
in this situation.
Yes, coming, coming.
- Joe.
- I'm sorry.
Talk to the cop, Joe.
Put your fucking thumbs down.
You're coming with me.
- Do it.
- He's got yellow glasses.
Put your thumbs down!
Calm down. Just be calm.
Dude, they're fucking
shooting glasses.
Morning, officer.
Good afternoon, son.
Oh, I'm sorry,
is is that late already?
Boys having some kind
of a party here?
No. I mean, yeah, sort of.
I mean, it's not
a party-party.
Which is it?
Uh...
It's his bachelor party, sir.
No. No, it's not.
Not, not really.
No, it's really just four guys
hanging out for the weekend.
Just one, two, three, four.
No one else, huh?
No. No.
No.
We got a call about a woman
in disarray of dress
leaving this residence earlier.
Oh, yeah. Crystal... Susan.
- Crystal Susan?
- Crystal Susan.
- Crystal Susan.
- Crystal-Susan.
It's a hyphenate.
So that's an affirmative?
Yes.
Yeah, affirmative, affirmative.
You do realize that prostitution
is illegal in big bear.
Affirmative. Crystal-Susan
is a law student.
Actually, she overslept for
a law test on legal distress.
That's why she left
in disarray...
Of dress.
Yup.
You have a medical
marijuana card
from the state of California?
No.
Well, if I hear of anybody
using medical marijuana
for recreational purposes,
do you know the first place
that I'm gonna come?
Here?
Bright boy, bright boy.
Look at him go.
I got my eye on you four.
One, two, three...
Four.
Well, that was weird.
I'm letting him go.
Wait, wait, wait, listen.
If we make him realize
that he deserves what he gets,
he's not going to the cops.
You thought that
you'd kidnap this guy,
beat him up, and then he'd say,
"yeah, I deserved that."
Yeah, that's about right.
Is this just a joke to you?
No. It's not a joke.
Wha...
Do not untie him!
I'm gonna... I'm gonna come
take the tape off now.
Oh, it's really stuck on there.
Oh, it's really stuck.
I can't understand you.
There's tape on your face.
Rip it fast.
Oh.
Fuck!
Why would you rip it so slow?
I don't know.
I've never done it before.
- You took off part of my lip.
- I'm sorry.
You should be.
Look, I don't know
what any of this is about.
You don't know who I am?
Uh, no. Should I?
Well, you're wearing
my fucking robe.
Oh.
You're Joe.
You're laughing.
- No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- You're clearly laughing.
- I'm sorry. I'm not laughing.
- It's not funny.
I know it's not.
I'm just...
- I'm relieved.
- Relieved?
Yeah. I thought
it was work-related.
- What do you do for work?
- I'm in corporate takeovers.
Some people take it
very personally.
The guy who stole my fiance
is in corporate takeovers?
- It's an honest living.
- Okay, but you're still tied up
in a scary basement in big bear.
Oh, I love big bear.
But yeah, this is...
I don't think... you know?
Look, Joe, I'm really sorry
about what happened
between you and Jess,
but you can untie me now.
I'm gonna untie you, all right?
But before I do that,
I just want you to agree
that this was a stupid mistake.
Oh, agreed.
And I just need you to say that
you're not gonna go to the cops.
I'm sorry.
No, you can't just take somebody
and expect not to pay
the consequences.
Kind of like how you
just took my fiance?
Oh, like what you did there.
But no, it's not the same thing.
- It's not?
- No. I didn't break any laws.
The basic tenets of almost
every law ever written...
The ten fucking commandments...
Say you can't take
someone else's girl.
Actually,
that's your neighbor's wife,
and, technically, you guys
weren't married yet.
Who the fuck are you?
Look, Joe, I actually played a
very small part in your breakup.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You guys have a lot of issues.
Oh, we do? Do tell.
I'd love to hear them.
- Would you?
- Yeah.
Okay. Well, shit.
I mean, uh...
For instance, you...
You hated her family.
I didn't hate her family.
You didn't go on the ski trip
last year.
That really hurt
Jess's feelings.
I didn't go 'cause her dad
was gonna be there and...
Wait, how do you know all this?
That's right.
You're scared of her father.
I am not scared of her dad.
- You're not?
- No.
- You sure?
- Yes.
Really?
Fuck you.
Hey, wait, you didn't
untie me. Joe!
Hello?
What are you guys doing?
- Huh?
- Hey. Nothing, man.
- Did you untie him?
- Dude, what happened?
What going on? Hey.
- Um...
- Did you untie him?
No, not yet.
- Good.
- Can I have this beer?
Yeah, if you like drinking
in the morning, go for it.
He's kinda cocky.
Okay! So let's teach this cocky
motherfucker some respect.
Fuck. Hold on.
I'll get that.
- Be mean!
- Go, Joe!
Go get him, Joe.
Come on, let's do this.
Just a little.
All right, ready?
What was it, end of the lips
and over your gums?
Look, when I asked
for his blessing
to marry his daughter,
he said no.
Ooh. I could understand why
you'd be afraid of him then.
Exactly. No, I'm not...
He's a very traditional man,
so I thought if I asked
for his blessing,
he might finally
show me some respect.
Why did he say no?
He said that if we got married,
we'd have a hard time
because I don't make
enough money.
Hmm. How much did you
pull in last year?
75, 80k?
What?
Fifty? Sixty?
Less? Thirty? Joe!
I had a really rough year
last year, okay?
- It wasn't normal.
- That's right. You got demoted.
Exactly! Yeah, for reasons
out of my control.
Your boss promoted his
unqualified nephew or something.
Yes. He had never even
worked in our division.
How do you know all that?
How could you let that
happen though?
- No, I didn't let it happen.
- Yeah.
- Either that or get fired.
- So get fired or, shit, quit.
- If it's respect that you want.
- I want money.
That was the whole thing.
I needed the money
to have a good marriage
so that I could get respect,
I thought.
Look, Joe, I think Jess's dad
might've been right.
You can't support a family
on an income like that.
Half of marriages end
because of money problems.
And the other half end
because of infidelity.
- Whoa.
- Oh, right, right.
You haven't slept with Jess.
Yet.
Why you just untie me
before you do something you're
really gonna end up regretting?
You're smarter than this, Joe.
You need to wise up.
You know, you can't go around
doing shit like this.
- I guess I just did.
Fuck!
- Chop it up real fine.
- Make 'em a little fatter.
- Where'd you get this shit?
- It's one of Mike's items.
Oh, Mike.
Man, this is a good shit.
Make 'em fat, make 'em big.
Shut up. I know what I'm doing.
Fuck that guy!
Fuck yeah!
Now do you see?
Somehow that guy knows
everything about me.
- He knows everything about you.
- He does.
That's what these guys do.
They get the information,
they get the girl to vent,
start purging about
the boyfriend.
She told him everything.
- Told him everything about you.
- Fuck.
- He flipped it on me.
- He flipped it on you.
He fucking flipped it on you!
- Fuck that guy.
- Fuck that guy!
Except in this case,
he got the fiance to fucking
break up with the fianc
two weeks before
the fucking wedding!
- Fuck it.
- Yeah.
- Told you it was good shit.
- Is that my credit card?
Where? Oh, is this...
Yeah, I think that's yours.
Listen, we have a problem.
Yeah, I know.
We're all accomplices now.
Good for you.
No, we have a bigger problem.
Jess won't stop calling.
Really?
Oh, okay, I got it.
Here's what you do. You say,
"hey, sorry I didn't get back
to your texts or phone calls.
Just got out of the er.
My hemorrhoids are still
bleeding all over the place."
- Oh, gross.
- That's the OG story.
You gotta stick to it, man.
She's really worried
about him, huh?
Who cares? Let her worry.
Nope. Tell her something
that'll get her to chill out.
This is your fault
for not moving his car.
I'm sorry. I'm gonna kidnap him
and valet his car?
Didn't think about that,
did you, genius?
You know what? Why don't you say
"I'm sorry. My car didn't start,
so I took a cab
to my apartment."
- That's good.
- What if he has a house?
Your kids don't love you.
Sorry. I didn't mean that.
Say "I took a cab to my place."
- She said he left his wallet.
- Goddamn it!
I'm sorry I didn't have time to
gather his personal belongings.
Shit. She's gonna call the cops.
Fuck.
I need your help.
Fuck you.
I just need you to tell me
what to text Jess
that's gonna get her
to calm down.
Fuck you.
Okay, all right.
I'll take the tape off.
I know, I know. Rip it fast.
That is strong duct tape.
Come on.
What should I tell her?
Tell her I'm tied up
in a basement in big bear
- and to send the police.
- Seriously.
Seriously?
Why the fuck would I help you?
Because I'm gonna
take you back to la,
but it's gonna be
a lot more difficult
if Jess goes on one of
her patented freak-outs first.
I help you,
you're gonna take me back?
- I promise.
- Untie me first.
After.
Tell her I'm sorry
that I disappeared.
Melanie came and picked me up.
Who's Melanie?
My wife.
What?
Soon to be ex-wife.
- You're married?
- Yeah, but...
You cheated on your wife
with my fiance?
- Well...
- An emotional affair
is still crossing the line.
- What line?
- The line that you cross
when you're sharing energy
with someone.
- What?
- The fucking line you cross
when you're doing
something wrong!
But I guess you don't
see it that way
because you didn't bring your
dick across the line with you.
This better work.
Asshole.
Well? Did it work?
You guys use emojis?
What the fuck are emojis?
These. Stupid fucking
smiley faces and shit.
Yeah. Jess likes them.
So what?
Yeah, I know.
I hate 'em.
Told her I won't text her back
if she used them.
- Why?
- Because they're stupid.
They're childish.
If you're gonna say something,
say it in words.
- Yeah, but who cares?
- I do.
She likes them. So what?
That's her thing.
I mean, you think it's important
enough to fight about it?
I don't need your stellar
relationship counseling.
- Okay, professor love?
- Well, maybe you do.
You've already done a whopper
on my now previous engagement.
- You came asking for my advice.
Mmm!
Strong tape, strong tape.
- Too tight?
- Yeah, wait, hold on.
- Why are we tying me up again?
- So you don't hurt yourself.
I don't think it's necessary.
Ah, fuck, man!
All right.
- You'll thank me.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Why is Nick tied to...
What is she doing here?
Okay, Joe, it's cool.
She's here to help with Jess.
What? You told her?
Joe, crystal-Susan is a lady.
She understands ladies.
Okay, I'm sorry, crystal-Susan,
but it's already taken care of.
Oh, I was just trying
to help, so...
Joe, crystal-Susan
is here to help, okay?
Please, take it easy.
It seems like she's here
for you.
Well...
- Are you?
- Yeah.
- Are you really?
- Yeah, why not?
At least I think so.
Why is Nick tied to a chair?
Oh, I got such a good idea.
- But it's dangerous.
- It's not dangerous.
- Okay, is it dangerous?
- Perfectly safe.
- It'll kill him.
- What?
Colin, shut up.
Nick, you're gonna be fine.
Joe, we gotta
teach this guy a lesson.
It is the only way to make sure
he doesn't squeal.
- I think I'm out.
- Now, nobody here
is talking about
permanently hurting,
wouldn't do that.
Just talking about a little dose
of very healthy,
very safe revenge.
Like what exactly?
Okay, I don't think
it would be too much
to tie a car battery
to his nipples.
- What? No, no. Is that safe?
- No.
- I'm gonna test it on Nick.
- Untie me.
I say we pull out some teeth.
I think that would be permanent.
I think we should untie me.
Then we'll get his fingernails.
- Fingernails grow back.
- Good point.
- That's so dumb. So much blood.
- Let's untie me.
I'm sorry, Mr. electroshock
therapy torture man.
I'm trying to teach him
a lesson he will remember.
He's not gonna remember anything
if you fry his fucking brain.
Guys...
Do you...
Guys, guys, Joe.
Joe?
Hey, man, you okay?
- I'm taking him back to la.
- No!
We can't take him back
without scaring him first.
- I'll try and reason with him.
- Joe, are you okay?
You can't reason
with these people.
What was that?
What just happened?
And I'm taking him back
on my own, all right?
- Untie Nick.
- What just happened there?
- I knew it's gonna be too much.
- You okay, Joe?
I knew he was gonna freak out
with the battery.
You have one unheard
message sent today at 9:35 A.M.
Oh, Joey. Oh, baby, oh.
I want you to call
and cry with me.
Oh, shit.
Are you crying?
No. No, it was...
It was just my mom.
Your mom crying?
Okay, good.
Phew. That could've been
a little awkward.
- You're gonna be okay.
- Thanks.
Right?
Yeah.
Just hurts a lot, you know?
Yeah, man.
Do you remember back in college
when my barber died?
I don't think it's the same
kind of hurt, exactly.
Maybe.
He was the only guy in the world
I trusted to cut my hair.
And then he was just dead.
But you know, I needed
to have my hair cut still,
so I found a new barber.
But this fucking guy,
he was just so...
Confused by my hair.
There's a delicate,
sort of follicular flow
that goes on up here
with the two cowlicks.
I have, like, three crowns,
and it's confusing
for the best of them.
He just ruined it, man.
I was devastated.
It really stressed me out.
I didn't realize that you take
your haircut so seriously.
Oh, yeah, big time.
You know, and then my hair
started falling out clumps,
which is never good.
I thought, well, fuck, that's
gotta be because of the stress.
And so I thought, well,
you gotta stop the stress.
But then the stress became about
me trying to stop the stress,
which was stressful.
- Huh.
- I didn't know what to do.
I was so lost, man.
Then I found out that Erik
put Nair in my fucking shampoo,
and I was a little hurt,
but honestly...
I was a little relieved.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, because my hair
had a chance to start over.
It was a new day.
It was a new dawn for me
and my buds up there.
You know, I 'm walking around
bald as an eagle
with, like, no eyelashes,
no eyebrows,
but I didn't have that stupid
fucking haircut anymore.
I was free,
and the amount of time it took
for my hair to grow back,
I spent that shopping around
for a new barber,
and that's when I found Karen.
My rock.
So are you dating Karen now?
No. What?
What?
She cuts my hair.
What?
What?
Although,
now that you mention it,
I never really thought of her
that way before.
She's, uh, she's quite fetching.
No, fuck, shit. Uh...
He's ready.
All right.
Okay.
I mean it.
Yeah.
- All right.
- Okay.
- I'll be in.
- Okay.
Crystal left.
Oh.
You hurt her feelings,
so she went home.
No, you didn't.
She was just on
a stripper smoke break.
She had to get back on the pole.
You want me to untie him?
Not yet.
All right, should I do this
fast or slow?
- Slow?
- Fast.
Fast.
Oh, shit.
Sorry. That was really
on there good.
Yeah, he was thirsty.
Let's begin.
What the fuck?
- Erik...
- I watched a video on YouTube.
I know exactly how to do it now.
- You said you'd let me go.
- We are.
As soon as I introduce you
to mega-tron 26 here.
Whoa!
- Jesus!
- Oh, fuck.
- It'll work.
- It's gonna kill him.
It's not gonna kill him.
He's big.
Erik, fucking put it down,
all right?
Joe, you gotta
teach him a lesson.
No, no, I'm taking him back,
all right?
This was a huge mistake.
You're goddamn right it was.
But nobody got hurt.
- Yet.
- Just shut the fuck up.
These are teachers.
And can you really
blame my friends
for trying to make me
feel better?
You must be Colin.
Jess tell you I was the most
handsome of the guys?
No, but she gave pretty good
descriptions of all of you.
Not surprised at all that you
would do something this stupid.
Let me tell you something, guy.
There are a lot more
stupider things we can do.
More stupid.
You must be Nick.
Ha!
What? Fuck you, man!
Now I'm definitely gonna
electrocute him.
- Yeah, get him.
- Okay, you know what? No.
- I like being Nick.
- Yes!
No, you're not. Look.
It doesn't matter who anyone is.
- I'm taking him back to la.
- That is a bad idea.
This whole fucking thing
was a bad idea, Erik.
I haven't seen you guys
in months,
and I thought it'd be great
to reconnect with you
one last time before
I got married, but now...
Now I'm not getting married
because my fiance dumped me
for this fucking guy.
But instead of making me
feel better,
I'm hungover,
I can't sit down
because crystal-Susan
broke a belt over my ass,
and to top it all off,
you kidnapped this fucking guy.
- I have a name, dude.
- Shut up!
You know, when this thing's
all over,
I don't think I wanna
see you guys for a while.
I have to be honest, Joe.
I think that's for the best.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
What's that for?
- Just take it.
- No, no, no, no.
Erik, I am not taking that.
Uh-oh, he's running.
Oh, shit.
Go that way!
Split up.
- Why didn't you grab him?
- Was I supposed to grab him?
- I got him, Joe!
- Get him, get him, get him!
Come on.
Stop! Stop, stop, stop!
Agh! Fucking altitude.
Ohh!
Nick! Nick!
Ah, fuck. Okay!
Stop, stop, stop, stop!
Okay, okay, all right.
Hey.
What the fuck, man?
You run so fucking fast.
Do you work out or something?
I ran track in high school.
- So did I, Fifteen years ago.
- Why did you run, man?
- I said we're gonna let you go.
- So why are my hands tied?
You still haven't said that
you aren't going to the cops,
and I thought maybe I could
talk some sense into you.
Oh, right,
talk some sense into me.
Well, you're the one
who's still tied up,
which means that you can't swim.
- I bet he's a great swimmer.
- Oh, fuck yeah.
Come on, man.
I'll untie your hands
in the car.
That's a good idea.
Come on.
Come on.
Hey, guys, where'd he go?
Nick, hang on!
Oh, shit.
You killed him.
- Why'd you do that?
- He's not dead.
See? He's fine.
His nose looks kinda broken.
Yeah, it kinda does.
Come on, let's get him
in the car.
He still hasn't
learned anything.
Stop making this worse.
I'm trying to make it better.
Erik, no, I'm not taking that.
Do what you said.
Make him dig his own grave
and scare the shit out of him.
No, I'm not doing that.
No one is gonna wanna marry you
if you can't stand up
for yourself.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Have a nice drive.
If you hurry, you might
still make it to Ikea.
Hey, man, call us
when you get back to la.
Hey, I wanna tell you
that I texted Karen.
We're gonna meet up for dinner
next week in la.
Karen?
Yeah, my barber.
Give me the fucking keys.
Okay.
Ow.
Jesus, my nose.
Is my nose...
My nose is broken.
- It's fine.
- No.
This is fucking broken.
Look at this!
It was a little bit crooked
before.
- No, it wasn't.
- Yeah, it was.
I don't think so.
Everyone's nose is a little bit
crooked, all right?
You didn't have
a perfectly straight nose.
Oh, my god,
this is so uncomfortable.
My arms are gonna fucking
fall asleep.
Okay, I can't feel my hands now.
You don't need your hands
to sit in the passenger side
of a car.
It's two hours back to la?
Thereabouts.
What the fuck
are you worried about?
Well, you bulldozed me
into a lake.
Come on, man. I'm not gonna
jump out of a moving car.
Damn it.
Shit.
Oh, my god,
this is really uncomfortable.
Just try to relax your arms.
They won't fall asleep.
See how I'm sitting?
How am I supposed to relax?
- Just...
- Fuck.
- Now you have to untie me.
No way.
What, you know him?
Don't say anything.
I'm not gonna have to.
All right, lift your arms up.
Hurry up. Get them up.
I can't lift them any higher.
My arms fell asleep.
Oh, shit.
You're doing it tighter.
No, I...
I was tightening it.
He's coming, Joe.
Now he's coming.
Shh, shh. Okay.
Don't say anything, please.
Well.
Cheech and Chong.
Hi.
Hi.
Are you?
What?
Are you high, son?
No.
- What about you?
- He's not.
I was talking to him.
No.
Officer, I don't smoke.
Of course you don't.
You have any idea
why I'm asking you that?
Because you're cracking down
on the abuse of
medical marijuana in big bear?
Are you patronizing me, son?
No. No, I...
You said that before.
Is your nose broke?
No, sir. It's always been
a little bit crooked.
Hmm.
License and registration.
Affirmative.
What did you say to me?
Yes. Yes.
Registration's in the glove box.
Uh-huh.
You just got your nails done?
I got it, I got it.
What?
License and registration.
Where are you two young men
headed today?
- A hike.
- To la.
You both just told me
two different things.
Son, where are you headed?
Step out of the vehicle.
Officer, excuse me.
We're going back to la.
But we're just gonna stop off
real quick and have a hike.
You know, enjoy some nature
before we have to head back
to that smog-infested jungle.
I never did care too much
for Los Angeles myself.
Oh, lord, me neither.
But it sure is nice
that there's a place
as safe and quiet
as big bear's so close.
Up around the next bend,
there's a real pretty hike.
It's my husband's favorite.
Just make sure you park in the
designated parking areas only.
Absolutely.
Thank you, officer.
Sure.
Pants?
Next time.
Crack, crack.
Did he say husband?
Why did you say
we were going for a hike?
Because we are.
- I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
Okay, I could have just
told that cop
about the gun that you're
hiding underneath your leg.
Yeah? Well, why didn't you?
I don't know.
Because you saved me
from your friends,
and you said you were gonna
take back me to la.
And maybe I feel a little bit
sorry for you.
You ruined my life,
but not my bachelor party.
I thought it wasn't
your bachelor party anymore.
Yeah, well, it is,
whether I like it or not.
Okay, Joe,
but you're digging a very deep
hole for yourself here.
No.
That's what you're gonna do.
Ohh...
No.
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing?
I'm digging.
No, you're whistling.
Yeah. I do that
when I'm bored.
Aren't you thinking about
what you did?
No. I'm thinking about
what a waste of time this is.
- What?
- You're not going to shoot me.
If your friend Erik was here,
I'd be a little fucking worried
because that guy, he's psycho.
You need to be thinking
about what you did
that got you to this place.
I opened the door
to your psycho friend.
- Before that.
- I didn't convince Jess
to fall out of love with you,
all right?
That happened a long time before
I ever came around.
- Fuck you.
- It's true!
In reality,
I played a very little part
in the breakup of your marriage.
- A little part?
- Yeah.
Are you talking about your dick?
- No.
- Is your dick the little part?
Because in the reality
that I live in,
the number one thing
Jess loves to freak out about
is her allergy to latex.
So we always had to use
polyisoprene condoms,
and they only come in wrappers
like the one that fell out of
your pocket back in the car.
So I guess your little part,
I'm talking about your dick,
played a pretty big part
in why she left me.
Hey, it's your robe.
Could've been your condom.
Yeah. Well...
I don't wear magnums.
Has it ever occurred to you
that that she might've left you
not because of who I am,
but because of who you aren't?
Get out.
- What?
- Hand me the shovel.
- I can keep digging.
- That's deep enough.
- No, it's not deep enough.
- Yes, it is.
It's not long enough.
Hand me the fucking shovel!
Okay.
Get out.
Joe, calm down.
Turn around.
- All right, why don't we just...
- Shut the fuck up for once.
- Okay.
- Turn around.
Okay.
You don't need to do this, Joe.
I'm so tired of everyone telling
me what they think I need.
All right. Okay.
Maybe this is
exactly what I need.
Maybe I know.
Maybe I know what I need.
I love him.
Oh, shit.
Ooh!
Oh, my...
Oww!
It's all your fault, you fuck!
Why'd you do this to me?
- It's my fault, okay?
- I will fucking kill you!
- Don't kill me, please!
- Give me a fucking reason!
Because, Joe, I have a kid!
All right?
I have a daughter.
Her name is Meg,
and she's amazing and beautiful.
Please don't take me away
from her, Joe, please.
Please don't take me
away from her, Joe. Please.
Why is your wedding ring on
if you're getting divorced?
Why do you still have
your wedding ring on?
You haven't told her yet?
I was gonna tell her today.
We weren't careful, and...
I thought it was the right thing
to do, to get married.
Was it also
the right thing to do
to cheat on your wife
with my fiance?
Jess didn't cheat on you.
Not like that.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Yeah, last night was
the first time that we ever...
Polyisoprened.
Great. You guys just started
boning last night.
That makes me feel
so much better. Thank you.
You know what, Joe?
My life is not all rosy either.
- Really?
- No, it's not.
I got married to a woman
that I barely even know.
We're not happy.
Why marry someone
you're not happy with?
It didn't seem like the most
important criteria at the time.
Why did you wanna
get married to Jess?
- Because I love her.
- Yeah?
So what?
What else?
Because we...
Because we...
We were dating.
We lived together and...
Then you get married.
So it was just a step?
Things were good.
We worked.
Isn't that why you marry someone
because you love them
and you can live with them?
No, I don't think so anymore.
I think you marry someone
because you love them,
and you can't live without them.
For the longest time, I was just
dealing with my life, you know,
because I took the step that I
thought I was supposed to take.
But that's not fair.
It's not fair to my wife,
it's not fair to my daughter,
and it's not fair to me.
Then I met Jess,
and it was different.
I was different,
and I knew immediately
that no matter what,
no matter how fucking messy
this thing got,
no matter how painful,
this was life...
Giving me exactly what I needed:
An opportunity to start over.
Like Nair.
What?
I was relieved.
When she broke off
the engagement, I was angry
and disappointed
and pissed, but...
The first thing I felt, and I...
I didn't know why,
I was relieved.
I guess it was
a pretty good sign
that you weren't
supposed be married.
So in a way, I guess
I sort of did you a favor.
No, I'm kidding.
Jesus, man.
Fuck, are you for real?
I mean, after all this?
You were kidnapped,
tied up in a basement,
I put a fucking gun to your head
and made you dig a hole
in the ground,
and you still can't say
that you feel sorry
for stealing my fiance?
Why do you care so much
about how I feel?
I don't know.
I think I thought
it would make it go away.
Make what go away?
It's like this bear
comes out of the woods
and just sits down on my chest,
and I can't breathe.
I feel like I'm gonna suffocate
because this fucking bear
is just sitting on top of me.
Thought maybe if I got revenge,
it would stop.
So you thought if you killed me,
your panic attacks
would go away?
- What?
- You get tunnel vision?
Yeah.
Feel like your heart's beating
out of your chest?
Yeah.
I had those
right before I had my kid.
I was so fucking scared.
How did you get it to stop?
- Well, I didn't kill anybody.
- I wasn't gonna kill you.
I just thought
maybe if I scared you,
you know, if I made you
dig your own grave...
Like in a mob movie?
Yeah.
That's ridiculous.
You know, when I get back to la,
I have nowhere to live.
I am a...
I am a homeless, underemployed,
thirty-something
single male
who just got dumped
by his fiance
because he was too afraid
to do it himself.
Well, hey,
I'm getting a divorce.
- You're gonna be a divorc.
- With a kid.
Oh, shit.
Oh, man.
- That might be worse.
- It's way worse.
And you're never gonna
get custody of the kid
because you're leaving her,
and you're only gonna
get to see your kid
twice a month, if that.
Oh, shit.
Jess farts in her sleep.
Really?
Sometimes.
Just make sure
you fall asleep first.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just leave it at Jess's.
I need to get my clothes still.
Thanks.
Hey, Joe, I know you don't want
anybody telling you
what you need right now, but...
I always found it was best
just to face it head-on.
What?
The bear.
Aaahhh!
Aaahhh!
Aaahhh!
No, no!
Ohh!
Boom, boom, boom!
Fuck yeah!
Oh! Oh, that was awesome.
Awesome, awesome.
That was awesome.
- You guys were great.
- Fuck you!
Yeah?
Fuck you.
Welcome back, amigo.
Gracias.
Ahh!
I feel so much better.
Oh, you guys
probably want those off.
Ow! Ohh!
These clamps really hurt.
What are you doing, Joe?
I think the faster, the better.
You wouldn't.
- I need to.
- No, you don't.
- Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.
- No, no, no, no!
- Don't!
I know. I know we all lose
our way from time to time.
I just thought I was
stronger than that, you know?
I'm embarrassed.
No, you're right, you're right.
Without weakness, we never
know what true strength is.
Sage words.
What time is the meeting
tomorrow night?
No, I don't need a ride.
That's cool. All right.
Thanks, Mike.
I'll see you there, definitely.
All right. Later, bye.
Sorry about that.
Hey, where's my dad's gun?
Oh, I buried it.
Really?
Yeah.
Damn it, man!
He's gonna be really pissed off.
Well, I hate my dad.
You need a place to crash
for a while, Joe?
Uh, no, I'm good. Thanks.
Where are you gonna stay?
I have no idea.
- Hey, dude!
- What, what?
Come over here.
Give me a hug, man.
See, what you were scared of
this whole time
is exactly what you've been
fighting for, man.
Hey!
Did I tell you
what to think, man?
Well, good.
But I hope you didn't listen.
At least in hindsight.