Big Lebowski, The (1998) Movie Script

# See themtumbling down #
# Pledging their loveto the ground #
A way out westthere was this fella,
fella I wantto tell you about,
fella by the nameof Jeff Lebowski,
at least thatwas the handle
That his loving parentsgave him.
But he never hadmuch use for it himself.
This Lebowski,he called himself The Dude.
Now Dude, that's a nameno one would self-apply
where I come from.
But then, there wasa lot about The Dude
that didn't make a wholelot of sense to me,
and a lot aboutwhere he lived, likewise.
But then again,
maybe that's why I found theplace so dern interesting.
They call Los AngelesThe City of Angels.
I didn't find itto be that exactly.
But I'll allow thereare some nice folks there.
'Course I can'tsay I seen London,
And I neverbeen to France,
And I ain't never seen noqueen in her damned undies
as the fella says.
But I'll tell you what,
after seeing Los Angeles
And this a-here storyI'm about to unfold,
Well, I guessI seen somethin'
every bit as stupefyin'
as you'd see in anyof those other places,
and in English, too.
So I can diewith a smile on my face
without feeling likethe good Lord gypped me.
Now this here storyI'm about to unfold
took place backin the early nineties,
just about the time ofour conflict with Saddam
and the Iraqis.
I only mention it 'causesometimes there's a man,
I won't say a hero,
'Cause what's a hero?
But sometimesthere's a man,
and I'm talkingabout The Dude here,
sometimes there's a man,
he's the manfor his time and place.
He fits right in there,
and that's The Dude,
in Los Angeles.
And even ifhe's a lazy man,
and The Dude wasmost certainly that,
quite possibly the laziestin Los Angeles county,
which would place himhigh in the running
for laziest worldwide.
But sometimesthere's a man,
sometimes...There's a man.
Wow, lost my trainof thought here.
I done introducedhim enough.
All fora collective action.
This will not stand.
This will not stand,
this aggressionagainst Kuwait.
# Here on the rangeI belong #
# Drifting alongwith the tumbling #
# Tumbleweed #
Where's the money,Lebowski?
I want that money,Lebowski.
Bunny says you'regood for it.
Where's the money,Lebowski?
Where's the fuckingmoney, shithead?!
It's down there somewhere.let me take another look.
Don't fuck with us!
Your wife owes moneyto Jackie Treehorn,
That means you ownmoney to Jackie Treehorn.
Ever thus todeadbeats, Lebowski.
No, no, don't do that
Not on the rug, man.
See what happens,Lebowski?
You see what happens?
Nobody calls meLebowski.
You got the wrong guy.I'm The Dude, man.
Your name'sLebowski, Lebowski.
Your wife is Bunny.
My my wife Bunny?
Do you see a weddingring on my finger?
Does this place looklike I'm fucking married?
The toilet seat's up,man.
What the fuckis this?
Obviously,you're not a golfer.
Isn't this guy supposedto be a millionaire?
Yeah, what do you think?
He looks likea fucking loser.
Hey, at leastI'm housebroken.
Fucking time wasted.
Thanks a lot,asshole.
# The man in me will do #
# Nearly any task #
# And as for compensation #
# There's a littlehe would ask #
# Take a woman like you #
# To get through #
# To the man in me #
# The storm cloudsare raging #
# All around my door #
# I think to myself #
# I might nottake it anymore #
# Take a womanlike your kind #
# To find the man in me #
# But, oh #
# What a wonderful feeling #
# Just to knowthat you are near #
# That setsmy heart a-reelin' #
# From my toes #
# Up to my ears #
# The man in mewill hide sometimes #
# To keep from being seen #
# But that's just because #
# He doesn't want toturn into some machine #
# Take a woman like you #
# To get through #
# To the man in me #
I'm throwingrocks tonight.
Mark it, Dude.
This was a valued rug.
This was a...
Yeah, man, it reallytied the room together.
So this wasa valued
What tied the roomtogether, Dude?
My rug.
Were you listening toThe Dude's story, Donny?
Were you listeningto The Dude's story?
I was bowling.
So you have no frameof reference here, Donny.
You're like a child
who wanders inin the middle of a movie
Walter, what'sthe point, man?
There's no reason--here's my point, Dude
There's no fucking reason--
Yeah, Walter,what's your point?
Walter, whatis the point--
Look, we all knowwho is at fault here.
What the fuck areyou talking about?
No, whatthe fuck are you--
We're talking about uncheckedaggression here, Dude.
What the fuck ishe talking about?
My rug.
Forget it,'re out of your element.
Walter, the chinamanwho peed on my rug,
I can't gogive him a bill.
So what the fuckare you talking about?
What the fuckare you talking about?
The chinaman is notthe issue here, Dude.
I'm talking about drawinga line in the sand, Dude.
Across this line,you do not--
Also, Dude, chinaman is notthe preferred nomenclature.
Walter, this isn't a guywho built the railroads here,
this is a guy
What the fuckare you talking
Walter,he peed on my rug.
He peed onThe Dude's rug.
Donny, you'reout of your element.
Dude, the chinamanis not the issue here.
So, ... who..
Jeff Lebowski.
The otherJeffrey Lebowski,
the millionaire.
That's fuckinginteresting, man.
That's fuckinginteresting.
Plus, he hasthe wealth, obviously,
and the resources,
so thatthere's no reason
there's nofucking reason
why his wifeshould go out
and owe moneyall over town,
and then they come
and they pee onyour fucking rug!
Am I wrong? No.
Am I wrong?
Ok, then.
That rug really tiedthe room together,
Did it not?
Fuckin' a!
And this guypeed on it.
Donny, please.
You know, thisis the fucking guy
I could find thisfucking Lebowski guy.
His name is Lebowski?
That's your name, Dude.
This is the guy
who should compensate mefor the fucking rug.
His wife goes out
and owes moneyall over town,
and they pee on my rug?
They pee onyour fucking rug.
They pee onmy fucking rug.
That's right, Dude.
They peed onyour fucking rug.
This is the study.
As you can see,the various commendations...
"Jeffrey Lebowski."
Honorary degrees,etcetera.
very impressive.
Oh, please feel freeto inspect them.
Oh, no, I'mnot really that
Oh, please, please.
That is the key tothe city of Pasadena,
Which Mr. Lebowskireceived 2 years ago
In recognition ofhis various civic ...
Oh, that'sthe Los Angeles
Chamber of CommerceBusiness Achiever Award,
which is given
oh, not necessarilygiven every year.
Hey, is this, is this him with Nancy?
Yes, indeed,that is Mr. Lebowski
with the first lady, was taken when
That's, Lebowskion the left there?
Yeah, of course.Mr. Lebowski on the left
so he's a cripple
Uh, you know,a handicapped guy?
Mr. Lebowskiis disabled, yes.
Uh, this picturewas taken
when Mrs. Reagan wasfirst lady of the nation,
Yes, yes.Not of California.
Pope John. fact, he metprivately with the President,
though unfortunately,
There wasn't enough timefor a photo opportunity.
Oh, Nancy's pretty good.
Oh, wonderful woman.we're very happy
these are ...
oh, those are Mr. Lebowski'schildren, so to speak.
Different mothers, huh?
Racially, pretty cool.
They're not literallyhis children.
They're the littleLebowski Urban Achievers,
Inner-city childrenof promise
but withoutthe necessary means for
necessary means fora higher education.
So Mr. Lebowskiis committed
to sending allof them to college.
Excuse me.
Thank you. Thank you.
Far out.
Think he's got roomfor one more?
You neverwent to college.
Please,don't touch that.
Yeah, no, I did,but, you know,
I spent mostof my time, um,
occupying variousadministration buildings,
smoking a lotof thai stick,
breaking intothe R.O.T.C.,
and bowling.
to tell youthe truth, Brandt,
I don't remembermost of it.
Ok, sir, you're a Lebowski,I'm a Lebowski,
That's terrific.
But I'm very busy,as I imagine you are.
What can Ido for you, sir?
Uh, well, sir,it's,
this rug I have.
It really tiedthe room together.
You told Brandt onthe phone, he told me.
Where do I fit in?
Well, they were
They were lookingfor you, these 2 guys.
I'll say it again.
You told Brandt onthe phone, he told me.
I know what happened.Yes? Yes?
Oh, so you know that
They were tryingto piss on your rug?
Did I urinateon your rug?
You mean, did youpersonally come
and pee on my rug?
Hello! Do youspeak English, son?
Parla usted ingles?
I'll ask you again.Did I urinate on your rug?
No, like I said,Woo peed on my rug.
I just want tounderstand this, sir.
Every time a rugis micturated upon
In this fair city, I haveto compensate the person
Come on, man,
I'm not tryingio scam anybody here. know,I.. was just
You were justlooking for a handout
like every other...
Are you employed,Mr. Lebowski?
Uh, wait, let me
let me explainsomething to you.
I am not Mr. Lebowski.You're Mr. Lebowski.
I'm The Dude. So that'swhat you call me,
You know, thator, his Dudeness,
Or, Duder, or, youknow, el Duderino,
If you're not intothe whole brevity thing.
Are you employed, sir?
You don't go outlooking for a job
dressed like that,do you, on a weekday?
Is this a..what day is this?
Well, I do work, sir.
So if you don't mind
No, I do mind.
Uh, The Dude minds.
This will not stand,you know.
This aggressionwill not stand, man.
I mean, your wife owes
My wife is notthe issue here!
I hope thatsomeday my wife
will learn to liveon her allowance,
which is ample,but if she does not,
that is her problem,not mine,
just as the rugis your problem,
just as every bum'slot in life
is his ownresponsibility,
regardless of whohe chooses to blame.
I didn't blame anyonefor the loss of my legs.
Some chinaman took themfrom me in Korea.
But I went outand achieved anyway.
I cannot solveyour problems, sir,
only you can.
Oh, fuck it.
Yes, that's your answer.
That's your answerto everything.
Tattoo iton your forehead.
Your revolution isover, Mr. Lebowski!
The bums lost!
My advice to you is to dowhat your parents did!
Get a job, sir!
The bums will always lose!
Do you hear me,Lebowski?!
The bumswill always lose!
How was your meeting,Mr. Lebowski?
Ok. The old man told me totake any rug in the house.
Well, enjoy,
and perhaps we'll see youagain sometime, Dude.
Yeah, sure, if I'min the neighborhood,
You know, and ...
I need to use the John.
Blow on them.
Go ahead, blow.
You want me to blowon your, toes?
I can't blow that far.
Are you surehe won't mind?
He really doesn'tcare about anything.
He's a nihilist.
Oh, and thatmust be exhausting.
You're not blowing.
Our guest has to be gettingalong, Mrs. Lebowski.
Oh, you're Bunny.
I'll suck your cockfor $1,000.
Wonderful woman.
We're all..we're allvery fond of her.
Very free-spirited.
Brandt can't watch,though,
Or he hasto pay 100.
..that's marvelous.
Uh, I'm just gonnago find a cash machine.
Slamming themtonight.
You guys aredead in the water.
All right!Way to go, Donny!
If you will it,it is no dream.
You're fucking20 minutes late, man.
What the fuck is that?
Theodore Herzel.
The state of Israel.If you will it, Dude,
It is no dream.
What the fuck youtalking about, man?
The carrier. What'sin the fucking carrier?
Oh, Cynthias dog.
I thinkit's a Pomeranian.
I can't leave himhome alone
or he eatsthe furniture.
I'm watching it
while Cynthiaand Marty Ackerman
are in Hawaii.
You brought a fuckingPomeranian bowling?
What do you mean,"brought it bowling"?
I didn't rent it shoes,
I'm not buying ita fucking beer,
he's not takingyour fucking turn, Dude.
Man, if myfucking ex-wife
asked me to take careof her fucking dog
while she and her boyfriendwent to Honolulu,
I'd tell her togo fuck herself.
Why can't she board it?
First of all, Dude,you don't have an ex.
Secondly, this isa fucking show dog
with fucking papers.
You can't board it.It gets upset.
Its hair falls out.
The fucking doghas fucking papers.
Over the line!
I'm sorry, Smokey,you were over the line.
That's a foul.
Bullshit.Mark it 8, Dude.
Uh, excuse me, mark itzero. Next frame.
Bullshit, Walter.Mark it 8, Dude.
Smokey, this is not'nam, this is bowling.
There are rules.
Hey, Walter, come on,it's just
Hey, man, it's Smokey.
So his toe slippedover a little.
You know, it'sjust a game, man.
This is a league game.This determines
who entersthe next round-robin.
Am I wrong?
Yeah,but I wasn't
Am I wrong?
Yeah,but I wasn't over.
Give methe marker, Dude.
I'm marking an 8.
Smokey, my friend,
You're enteringa world of pain.
Walter, man.
You markthat frame an 8,
You're enteringa world of pain.
A world of pain.
Look, Dude,this is your partner.
Has the whole worldgone crazy?!
Am I the only onearound here
who gives a shitabout the rules?!
Mark it zero!
They're callingthe cops, man.
Put the piece away.
Mark it zero!
Walter, putthe piece away.
You think I'mfucking around here?
Mark it zero!
All right,it's fucking zero.
You happy,you crazy fuck?
It's a league game,Smoke.
You can't do that, man.
These guys, you know,they're like me.
They're pacifists.
Smokey was aconscientious objector.
You know, Dude,I, myself,
dabbled in pacifismat one point,
not in 'nam,of course.
And you know he's gotemotional problems, man.
You mean,beyond pacifism?
He's fragile,Very fragile.
Huh. I did not know that.'s all waterunder the bridge,
and we do enterthe next round-robin.
Am I wrong?
No, you're not wrong.
Am I wrong?
You're not wrong,Walter,
you're just an asshole!
Ok, then.
We play Quintanaand OBrien next week.
They should be pushovers.
Man, will you just
Just take it easy,man.
You know, that's youranswer for everything, Dude.
And let mepoint out something.
Pacifism is not lookat our current situation
with thatcamelfucker in Iraq.
Pacifism is not somethingto hide behind.
Just take it easy, man.
I'm perfectly calm, Dude.
Yeah, wavingthe fucking gun around?
Calmer than you are.
Will youjust take it easy?
Calmer than you are.
Dude, this is Smokey.
Look, I don't want tobe a hard-on about this,
and I know itwasn't your fault,
but I just thoughtit was fair to tell you
that Gilbert and I will besubmitting this to the league
and asking them toset aside the round,
I don't know,maybe forfeit it to us.
So, like I say, just thought,you know, fair warning.
Tell Walter. I'm sorry.
Mr. Lebowski, thisis Brandt at,
well, atMr. Lebowski's office.
Please call us assoon as it's convenient.
Mr. Lebowski,this is Bill Selliger
of the Southern CalBowling League,
and I just gotan informal report
that a member of your team,a Walter Sobchak,
drew a firearmduring league play.
If this is true,of course,
it contravenes a numberof the league's bylaws
and also article 27of the league
Dude, I..finally got..I got the,
the venue I wanted.
I'm performingmy dance quintet,
you know, my cycle,
at Crane Jackson'sfountain street theater
on Tuesday night,
and, well, Idlove it if you came
and gave me notes.
I'll be there, man.
tomorrow'salready the 10th.
Far out.
Oh. all right, ok.
Just, just slipthe rent under my door.
...serious infraction
and examine your standing.Thank you.
Mr. Lebowski,Brandt again.
Please do call us assoon as you get in,
and I'llsend a limo.
I hope you're notavoiding this call
because of the rug..
Which, I assure you,is not a problem.
We need your help,and ...
Well, we'd very muchlike to see you.
Thank's Brandt.
We've had someterrible news.
Mr. Lebowski's in seclusionin the west wing.
I can look backon a life of achievement,
challenges met,
competitors bested,
obstacles overcome.
I've accomplished morethan most men
and without the useof my legs.
What makes a man,Mr. Lebowski?
I..don't know, sir.
Is it being preparedto do the right thing?
Whatever the cost?
Isn't that whatmakes a man?
Sure, thatand a pair of testicles.
You're joking.
Perhaps you're right.
You mindif I do a "j"?
Excuse me?
Bunny Lebowski,
She is the lightof my life.
Are you surprisedat my tears, sir?
Fuckin' a.
Strong men also cry.
I received this faxthis morning.
As you can see,
it is a ransom note.
"We have Bunnie."
Written by men whoare unable to achieve
on a level fieldof play.
"Gather one million dollars
in unmarked,non-consecutive twenties."
"Await instructions."
"No funny stuff."
This is a bummer,man.
That's, that's a bummer.
Brandt will fill you inon the details.
Mr. Lebowskiis prepared to make
a generous offer to youto act as courier
once we get instructionsfor the money.
Why me, man?
He believes the culpritsmight be the very people
who ...soiled your rug,
and you're ina unique position
to confirmor disconfirm
that suspicion.
He thinks thecarpet pissers did this?
Well, Dude,we just don't know.
Fucking Quintana.
That creepcan roll, man.
Yeah, but he'sa pervert, Dude.
No. He's a sex offenderwith a record.
He did 6 months at chino
for exposing himselfto an 8-year-old.
When hemoved to Hollywood,
He had to godoor-to-door
to tell everyonehe was a pederast.
What'sa pederast, Walter?
Shut the fuck up,Donny.
How muchthey give you?
And, of course, I stillget to keep the rug.
Just for makingthe hand-off?
Yeah. They gave,Dude a beeper.
Now, so wheneverthese guys call
What if it'sduring a game?
Oh, I told them if itwas during league play...
What's duringleague play?
Life does notstop and start
at your convenience,
you miserablepiece of shit.
I figure...
What's wrongwith Walter, Dude?
I figureit's easy money.
It's allpretty harmless.
She probablykidnapped herself.
What do you mean, Dude?
Rug pee-ersdid not do this.
Look at it.
A young trophy wife
marries this guyfor his money.
She figures he isn'tgiving her enough.
You know, she owes moneyall over town.
That fuckin'...Bitch.
It's all goddamnfake, man.
It's like Lenin said.
You look for the personwho will benefit,
and,you know...
I am the walrus?
You know,you'll ...
You know whatI'm trying to say.
I am the walrus.
That fuckin' bitch!
I am the walrus.
Shut the fuck up,Donny!
V.I. Lenin. VladimirIlyich Ulyanov!
What the fuckis he talking about?
Fucking exactlywhat happened.
That makes mefucking sick.
What do you care,Walter?
Those rich fucks.
This wholefuckin' thing.
I did not watchmy buddies die
facedown in the mud
so that thisfucking strumpet,
This fucking whore
I don't see any connectionto Vietnam, man.
Well, there'sa literal connection.
No, Walter, face it,there isn't any connection.
Your roll.
Have it your way,but my point is
Your roll.
Your roll.My point is
Are you readyto be fucked, man?
I see you roll your wayinto the semis.
Dios mio, man.
Liam and me, we'regonna fuck you up. know,that's just like ...
Your opinion, man.
Let me tell yousomething, pendejo,
you pull anycrazy shit with us,
you flash a piece outon the lanes,
I'll take it away from youand stick it up your ass
and pullThe fuckin' trigger
till it goes click.
You said it, man.
Nobody fuckswith the Jesus.
# The man in me will do #
# Nearly any task #
# And as for compensation #
# There's littlehe will ask #
# Take a womanlike you #
# To get through #
# To the man in me #
# The storm cloudsare raging #
# All around my door #
# I think to myself #
# I might not take itanymore #
# Take a womanlike your kind #
# To find #
# The man in me #
# What a wonderful feeling #
# Just to knowthat you are near... #
They called about80 minutes ago.
They want youto take the money,
drive north on the 405.They will call you
on the portable phonewith instructions
in about 40 minutes.
One person only. Theywere very clear on that,
Or I'd go with you.One person only.
What happened to your jaw?
Oh, nothin',you know.
Here's the money.
And the phone.
Please, Dude, follow whateverinstructions they give.
All right.
Her life is in your hands.
Oh, man,don't say that.
Mr. Lebowski asked meto repeat that.
Her life is in your hands.
Oh, shit, man.
Her life is inyour hands, Dude.
Report back to usas soon as it's done.
Where the fuckare you goin', man?
Take the ringer.I'll drive.
What? The what?
The ringer.
The ringer,Dude.
Have theyCalled yet? What the
What the hell is this?
My dirty undies,Dude.
Laundry.The whites.
Walter, I'm surethere's a reason
you broughtyour dirty undies, man.
That's right, Dude.The weight.
The ringercannot look empty.
Walter, what the fuckare you thinking, man?
You're right, Dude.I got to thinking.
I got to thinkingwhy should we settle
for a measly fuckin'20 grand
We? What the fuck we?
You said you just wantedto come along.
My point, Dude, is
why should wesettle for 20 grand
when we can keepthe entire million?
Am I wrong?Yes, you're wrong.
This isn'ta fuckin' game, man.
Oh, but it is a game.You said so yourself.
She kidnapped herself.
I said I thought
Dude here.
Who is this?
Dude the bagman, man.Where do you want us to go?
Yeah, you know,me and the driver.
I'm not handling the money,driving the car,
and talking on the phoneall by my
Shut the fuck up!
Dude, are youfuckin' this up?
Who is that?
That is the driver.
I told you
What the fuck'sgoin' on?
Walter! What the fuckis goin' on?
He hung up, man!
You fucked it up!
Her life wasin our hands, man.
Easy, Dude.
We're screwed now.We don't get shit.
They're gonna kill her.
We're fucked, Walter.
Nothing is fucked,Dude.
Come on, you'rebeing very un-Dude.
They'll call back.
Look,she kidnapped
You see? Nothing'sfucked here, Dude.
Nothing is fucked.
They're a bunch offuckin' amateurs!
Hey, Walter, will youjust shut the fuck up?
Don't say peep while I'mdoin' business here, man.
Ok, Dude,have it your way.
But they're amateurs.
Ok, we proceed.
But only if there'sno funny stuff.
So no funny stuff, ok?
Just tell me where the fuckyou want us to go.
That was the sign, man.
So all we gotta dois get her back,
No one's in a positionto complain,
And we keepthe baksheesh.
Yeah, terrific, Walter,
but you haven't told me howwe're gonna get her back.
Where is she?
That's the simple part,Dude.
We make the hand-off,
I grab one of 'em,beat it out of him.
Yeah. That'sa great plan.
Walter, that'sfucking ingenious,
If I understand itcorrectly.
It's a Swissfuckin' watch.
That's right, Dude.
The beauty of thisis its simplicity.
Once a plangets too complex,
everythingcan go wrong.
If there's one thing Ilearned in 'nam, it's
You're comingto a wooden bridge.
When you crossthe bridge,
you throw the bag
from the left windowof the moving car.
You're being watched.
What'd he say?Where's the hand-off?
There is no fuckin'hand-off, man.
At the wooden bridge, we throwthe money out of the car.
We throw the moneyout of the moving car.
No, we can'tdo that, Dude.
That fucks upour plan.
Well, call 'em up andexplain it to them, Walter.
Your planis so fuckin' simple
I'm sure they'llfuckin' understand it.
That's the beauty of it.
Wooden bridge, huh?
I'm throwin' the money,Walter.
We're not fuckin'around, man.
Ok, Dude,bridge is comin' up.
Give me the ringer,chop-chop.
Fuck that, Walter.I love ya,
but sooner or later you'regonna have to face the fact
you're a goddamn moron.
Ok, Dude.No time to argue.
Hey, man.The bridge.
There goes the ringer!
What the fuck?!
Here, Dude, your wheel.
At 15 mph, I roll out.
I double back, grab one,and beat it out of him.
The Uzi.Uzi?!
You didn't think I wasrolling out of here naked?
Walter, please..
We have it!
We...have it!
Aw, fuck it, Dude.
Let's go bowling.
Etz chaim he, Dude,
as the ex used to say.
What the fuck is thatsupposed to mean?
What the fuck are wegonna tell Lebowski?
Well, what exactlyis the problem?
The problem is
What do you mean,What's the
There was no...
We..didn't ...
They're gonna killthat poor woman, man.
What the fuck are youtalking about?
The poor woman
that poor slut
kidnapped herself.
Come on, Dude,you said so yourself.
Man, I said I thoughtshe kidnapped herself.
You're the one who'sso fuckin' certain.
That's right, Dude.
They posted the next roundfor the tournament.
Donny, shut the fuckwhen do we play?
This Saturday.
Saturday? Well, theyhave to reschedule.
Walter, what am Igonna tell Lebowski?
I told that fuck downat the league office
Who's in charge of scheduling?
I told that krauta fuckin' thousand times
I don't rollon Shabbos.
He already Walterposted it.
Well, he can fuckin'unpost it!
Who gives a shit?!
They're gonna killthat poor woman, man.
What am I gonna tellLebowski?
..eventually she'll get tiredof her little game
and, you know,wander on back.
How come you don't rollon Saturday, Walter?
I'm Shomer Shabbos.
What's that, Walter?
Yeah,and in the meantime,
What do I tellLebowski?
Saturday, Donny,is Shabbos,
The jewish day of rest.That means I don't work,
I don't drive a car,I don't fuckin' ride in a car,
I don't handle money,I don't turn on the oven,
and I sure as shitdon't fucking roll!
Shomer Shabbos!
Shomer fucking Shabbos.
Oh, fuck! That's it!I'm outta here.
Oh, come on, Dude.
Look, you just tell him
Tell him we made the drop,
and everything went,you know...
Oh, yeah,how'd it go?
Went all right. Dude's cargot a little dinged up.
Walter, we didn't makethe fuckin' hand-off, man.
They didn't getthe fuckin' money!
And they're gonna..
They're gonna killthat poor woman.
They're gonna killthat poor woman
Hey, Walter, if youcan't ride in a car,
how do you get aroundon shammos?
Really, Dude,you surprise me.
They're not gonna kill shit,they're not gonna do shit.
What can they do to her?
They're a bunchof fuckin' amateurs,
And meanwhile,look at the bottom line.
Who's sittin' ona million fucking dollars?
Who's got a fuckin' millionfuckin' dollars
sitting in the trunkof our car?
Our car, Walter?
And what do they got?My dirty undies.
My fuckin' whites.
Say, Dude.
Where is your car?
Who's got yourundies, Walter?
Where's your car, Dude?
You don't know,Walter?
It was parkedin a handicap zone.
Perhaps they towed it.
You fuckin' knowit's been stolen.
Well, certainly that'sa possibility, Dude.
Oh, fuck it.
Where you goin', Dude?
I'm goin' home, Donny.
Phone's ringing, Dude.
Thank you, Donny.
Some, brown or...
Rust coloration.
And was there anythingof value in the car?
...a tape deck,
some Creedence tapes,
and there was a...
my briefcase.
In the briefcase?
You knowjust papers.
You know,my papers.
Business papers.
And what do you do,Sir?
I'm unemployed.
My rug wasalso stolen.
Your rug was in the car?
No, here.
Separate incidents?
Do you find them much,these stolen cars?
Wouldn't hold out much hopefor the tape deck, though.
Or the Creedence.
Well, what about...
The briefcase?
Mr. Lebowski,I'd like to see you.
Call when you get home,and I'll send a car for you.
My name is Maude Lebowski.
I'm the onewho took your rug.
Guess we can closethe file on that one.
El Franco,ay`dame abajo.
I'll be with youin a moment, Mr. Lebowski.
Does the female form make youuncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski? that what thisis a picture of?
In a sense, yes.
My art has been commendedas being strongly vaginal,
which bothers some men.
The word itself makessome men uncomfortable.
Oh, yeah?
Yes, they don't like hearing itand find it difficult to say,
whereas withoutbatting an eye,
a man will refer tohis dick or his rod
Or his... Johnson.
All right, Mr. Lebowski.
Let's get down to cases.
My father told me he agreedto let you have the rug,
but as it was a giftfrom me to my late mother,
it was not his to give.
Your face.
As for this kidnapping...
Yes, I know all about it,
And I know thatyou acted as courier.
Let me tell you something.
The whole thing stinksto high heaven.
Right, but let meexplain something
About the rug.
Do you like sex,Mr. Lebowski?
Excuse me?
Sex. The physical actof love. Coitus.
Do you like it?
I was talkingabout my rug.
You're not interestedin sex?
You mean coitus?
I like it, too.
It's a male mythabout feminists
That we hate sex.
It can be a natural,zesty enterprise.
However, thereare some people
It is called satyriasis in men,nymphomania in women
who engage in it compulsivelyand without joy.
Oh, yes, Mr. Lebowski.
These unfortunate soulscannot love
in the true senseof the word.
Our mutual acquaintanceBunny is one of these.
Listen, Maude,
um, I'm sorry if yourstepmother is a nympho,
but, you know,
I don't see what thishas to do with...
Do you have any Kahlua?
Take' a lookat this, sir.
Oh, I know that guy.
He's a nihilist.
Hello. Meine dispatcher says
there's something wrongmitt deine kable.
Yeah, come on in.I'm not really sure
exactly what's reallywrong with the cable.
Zat's why they sent me.I am an expert.
The TV's in here.
You recognize her,of course.
Oh, that'smy friend Shari.
She just came overto use the shower.
The storyis ludicrous.
Meine nommen is Karl.Ich bin expert.
You must be hereto fix the cable.
Lord, you can imaginewhere it goes from here.
He fixes the cable?
Don't be fatuous,Jeffrey.
Little matter to methat this woman chose
to pursue a careerin pornography
nor that she has been"banging" Jackie Treehorn,
to use the parlanceof our times,
I am one of the 2 trusteesof the Lebowski Foundation,
the other being my father.
The Foundation takesyoungsters from watts and
Shit, yeah,the achievers.
Little Lebowskiurban achievers, yes,
and proud we areof all of them,
I asked my father abouthis withdrawal of $1 million
from the Foundation account,
and he told meabout this abduction.
But I tell you,it is preposterous.
This compulsive fornicator
is taking my fatherfor the proverbial ride.
Yeah, but my
I'm getting to your rug.
My father and Idon't get along.
He doesn't approveof my lifestyle,
and, needless to say,I don't approve of his.
However, I hardly wish to makemy father's embezzlement
a police matter,
so I'm proposing that youtry to recover the money
from the peopleyou delivered it to.
Well, I could do that.
If you successfully do so,I will compensate you
to the tune of 10%of the recovered sum.
A hundred...
Thousand. Yes.Bones or clams
or whatever you call them.
Yeah, but...
What about my...
Your rug, yes.well, with that money
you can buyany number of rugs
That don't havesentimental value for me.
And I am sorry aboutthat crack on the jaw.
Oh, th-that's fine.That doesn't even...
Here's the name and numberof a doctor
who will look at itfor you.
You will receive no bill.
He's a good man,and thorough.
Th-that's thoughtful,But
Please see him, Jeffrey.
He's a good man,and thorough.
Oh, well...
All right.All right.
So he says, "My wife'sa pain in the ass.
She's always bustin'my friggin' agates.
My daughter's marriedto a real loser bastard,
and I got a rashso bad on my ass
I can't even sit down.
But you know me, I can'tcomplain."
Ah, fuckin' a, man.I got a rash, man.
Fuckin' a.
I gotta tell you,Tone, man,
Earlier in the day, I wasreally feeling shitty, man.
Really downin the dumps.
Lost a little money...
Hey, you know what?forget about it, huh?
Forget about it.
Yeah, fuck it, man.
I can't be worriedabout that shit.
Life goes on, man.
Home, sweet home,Mr. L.
Who's your friendin the Volkswagen?
Yeah, he followed ushere.
When did he start foll
What the fuck?!
In the limo, you sonof a bitch. No arguing.
Hey, careful, man.there's a beverage here.
Start talking
and talk fast,you lousy bum.
We've been franticallytrying to reach you, Dude.
Where's my goddamnmoney, you bum?!
Well, we...
They did not
receive the money,you nitwit!
They did not receivethe money!
Her lifewas in your hands!
This is our concern,Dude.
No, man,nothing is fucked here.
Nothing is fucked?!
The goddamn plane
Has crashedinto the mountain!
Look, man, come on.
Who are you gonna believe,those guys or...
We dropped offthe damn money.
The royal we.
You know, the editorial.
I dropped off the moneyexactly as per
Look. Man, I've got certaininformation, all right?
Certain things havecome to light, and...
You know, has itever occurred to you
that instead of,you know, running around,
blaming me, given thenature of all this new shit,
this could bea lot more, ...
.. complex?
I mean, it might not bejust such a simple,
You know?
What in God'sholy name
Are you blatheringabout?
Well, I'll tell you whatI'm blathering about.
I've got information, man.
New shit has come to light.
And ... shit, man...
She kidnapped herself.
Well, sure, man.
Look at it. You know,a young trophy wife
In the parlanceof our times, you know
She .. owesmoney all over town,
Including to knownpornographers.
And that's cool.that-that's cool.
I'm saying,she needs money, man.
And... you know,
of course they're gonna saythey didn't get it,
becauseshe wants more, man.
She's gotta feed the monkey.I mean...
Hasn't that ever occurredto you, man?
No, Mr. Lebowski,
it had not occurredto me.
That had not occurredto us, Dude.
Well, ok, you know,
you guys aren't privyto all the new shit, so... know. But...
..that's what youthat's what you pay me for.
Speaking of which,do you think that you could,
give me my 20,000 in cash?
My concern is..and I gottacheck with my accountant
but this might bump meinto a higher tax,
Give himthe envelope.
Oh, well, if you've alreadygot the check made out,
Th-that's cool.
We received thisthis morning.
Since you havefailed to achieve,
even in the modest taskwhich was your charge,
since you havestolen my money,
since you have unrepentantlybetrayed my trust...
I have no choice
but to tell these bums to dowhatever is necessary
to recover their moneyfrom you, Jeffrey Lebowski.
And with Brandtas my witness,
I will tell you this:
Any further harmvisited upon Bunny
will be visited tenfoldupon your head.
By god, sir, I will notabide another toe.
That wasn't her toe, Dude.
Whose toe was it,Walter?
How the fuck should I know?
I do know that nothingabout it indicates
Man, the nailpolish, Walter.
Fine, Dude.
As if it's impossibleto get some nail polish,
Apply itTo someone else's toe.
Someone else's
Where the fuckare they gonna get
You want a toe?I can get you a toe.
Believe me,there are ways, Dude.
You don't wanna knowabout it, believe me.
Hell, I can get you a toeby 3:00 this afternoon,
with nail polish.
These fuckin' amateurs.
They send us a toe,
we're supposed to shitourselves with fear.
Now, the point is
They're gonna kill her,Walter,
And then they're gonnakill me.
That's just the stresstalking, man.
Now so far we havewhat appears to me
To be a series ofvictimless crimes.
What about the toe?
Forget aboutthe fucking toe!
Excuse me, sir,
Could you pleasekeep your voices down?
This is a family restaurant.
Oh, please, dear.
For your information,the supreme court
has roundly rejectedprior restraint!
Walter, this is nota first amendment thing.
If you don't calm down,
I'm gonna have to ask youto leave.
Lady, I got buddies whodied face down in the muck
so you and I could enjoythis family restaurant!
All right,I'm outta here.
Hey, Dude,don't go away, man.
Come on, this affectsall of us, man.
Our basic freedoms!
I'm stayin'.
I'm finishing my coffee.
Enjoying my coffee.
: The Dude is not in.
: Leave a messageafter the beep.
: Thanks, man.
Mr. Lebowski, this isduty officer Rolvaag
of the LAPD.
We've recoveredyour automobile.
It can be claimed at theNorth Hollywood auto circus
there on Victory.
Far out, man.
Far fucking out!
This is a privateresidence, man.
Ah, nice marmot.
Ve vant the money,Lebowski.
You thinkve are kidding
Or making withthe funny stuff?
There are things
you haven't dreamed of,Lebowski.
Ja. Ve believein nothing.
He believes in nothing,Lebowski, nothing.
and tomorrowve come back
and ve cut offyour chonson.
Excuse me?
I said we'll cut offYour Johnson!
Just think about that,Lebowski.
Ja, your viggly penis,Lebowski.
Ja, and maybe we stomp on itand sqoosh it, Lebowski.
It was discoveredlast night in Van Nuys
lodged againstan abutment.
Oh, man, lodged where?
You're lucky shedidn't get chopped,
Mr. Lebowski.
Must've beena joyride situation.
They abandonedthe vehicle
once they hitthe retaining wall.
Oh, myfucking briefcase!
Man, it's not here.Shit!
Yeah, I saw thaton the report. Sorry.
You gotta get inon the other side.
The side-view wasfound on the road
by the car.
You're lucky they leftthe tape deck, though,
And the Creedence.
Aw, Jesus!What's that smell, man?
Probably a vagrantslept in the car
or maybe just used itas a toilet and moved on.
Are you gonna findthese guys or, you know,
I mean, you got anypromising, uh, leads or...
Yeah. Sure.
I'll just checkwith the boys
down atthe crime lab.
They, got4 more detectives
Working on the case.
They got usworking in shifts.
My only hope is thatthe big Lebowski kills me
Before the Germanscan cut my dick off.
Now, that is justridiculous, Dude.
No one's going tocut your dick off.
Thank you, Walter.
Not if I have anythingto say about it.
Thank you, Walter.
That makes me feelvery secure.
That makes me feelvery warm inside.
Now, Dude.
This wholefuckin' thing.
I could be sitting here
with just pee stainson my rug.
But, no, man,I gotta, you know.
Fucking Germans.
Nothing changes.
Fucking Nazis.
They were Nazis, Dude?
Oh, come on, Donny.
They were threateningcastration.
Are we gonnasplit hairs here?
Am I wrong?
Well, he..
They werenihilists, man.
They kept sayingthey believed in nothing.
Fuck me.
I mean,say what you want
about the tenets
of nationalSocialism, Dude.
At leastit's an ethos.
And also,let's not forget
Lets not forget,Dude
That keepingwildlife, um,
an amphibious rodent
for, um, you know,domestic...
Within the city...
That ain't legaleither.
What are you,a fucking park ranger now?
No, I'mjust trying
Who gives a shitabout the fucking marmot?
We are sympathizinghere, Dude.
Fuck sympathy.
I don't need yourfucking sympathy, man.
I need myfucking Johnson.
What do you needthat for, Dude?
You have got tobuck up, man!
You cannot dragthis negative energy
Into the tournament.
Fuck the tournament.Fuck you, Walter.
Fuck the tournament?
Ok, Dude. I can see
you don't want to becheered up here.
Come on, Donny.
Let's go get usa lane.
Another Caucasian, Gary.
Right, Dude.
Friends like these,huh, Gary?
That's right, Dude.
Do you haveA good sarsaparilla?
Sioux city sarsaparilla?
Yeah. That's a good one.
How you doin'there, Dude?
Not too good, man.
One of those days, huh?
A wiser fella than myselfonce said,
"Sometimes you eatthe bar and"
Much obliged.
"And sometimesthe bar, well...
He eats you."
That some kindof eastern thing?
Far from it.
I like your style,Dude.
I dig your style, too,man.
You gota whole cowboy thing going.
There's just one thing,Dude.
And what's that?
Do you have to useso many cuss words?
What the fuckare you talking about?
Have it your way.
Call for you, Dude.
Jeffrey, you havenot gone to the doctor., I haven't yet.
I'd like to see youimmediately.
So you're Lebowski.
Maude has told meall about you.
She'll be backin a minute. Sit down.
Do you want a drink?
Yeah, sure.White Russian.
The bar's over there.
So what do you do,Lebowski?
Who the fuck are you,man?
Just a friendof Maudie's.
Yeah, the friendwith the cleft asshole?
What do you do?
Oh, nothing much.
Yeah, how are you?
Listen, Maude,
I got to, ...
Tender my resignationor whatever,
Because, ...itlooks like your mother
really was kidnappedafter all.
She most certainlywas not.
Hey, man, whydon't you fucking...
Listen occasionally?
You mightlearn something.
Please don't call hermy mother.
She's most definitelythe perpetrator
and not the victim.
I'm telling you, I gotpretty definitive evidence
From who?
From the main guy--Oolie.
Oolie Coco?
Her co-star inthe beaver picture?
Beaver?you mean vagina
I mean,you know the guy?
I might have introduced themfor all I know.
Do you remember Oolie?
He's a musician. Usedto have a group Autobahn.
Look in my LP's.
They released one albumin the late seventies.
Their music is sort ofa technopop.
So he's pretending to bethe abductor?
Well, yeah.
Look, Jeffrey, you don'treally kidnap someone
you're acquainted with.
The whole idea
is that the hostage can'tbe able to identify you
after you've let them go.
I know that.
What the fuckis with this guy?
Who is he?
Knox Harrington.
The video artist.
So Ooliehas the money?
Well..., not exactly.
This is a verycomplicated case, Maude.
A lot of ins,a lot of outs,
a lot of what-have-yous,and,
a lot of strandsto keep in my head, man.
A lot of strandsin old Duder's head.
If Oolie doesn't have it,then who does?
It's Sandra,about the Bearnali.
..look,I have to take this.
Do you still havethat doctor's number?
No, really. It'snot even bruised anymore.
Oh, please, Jeffrey,
I don't wantto be responsible
For any delayedafter-effects.
Could you slideyour shorts down,
Mr. Lebowski, please?
No. No, man.She hit me right here.
I understand.
Could you slideyour shorts down, please?
# Just got homefrom Illinois #
# Lock the front door,oh, boy #
# Got to sit down,take a rest on the porch #
# Imagination sets in #
# Pretty soon I'm singin' #
# Doo doo doo #
# Lookin' out my back door #
# There's a giantdoing cartwheels #
# A statuewearin' high heels #
# Look at allthe happy creatures #
# Dancin' on the lawn #
# A dinosaur Victrola #
# Listenin' to Buck Owens #
# Doo doo doo #
# Lookin' out my back door #
Ow! Ooh! Ooh!
# Tambourines and elephantsare playing in the band #
# Wondrous apparition #
# Provided by magician #
# Doo doo doo #
# Lookin' out my back door #
# Tambourinesand elephants #
# Are playing in the band #
# Won't you take a rideon the flyin' spoon? #
# Doo doo doo #
# Bother me tomorrow #
# Today I'll buyno sorrows #
# Doo doo doo #
# Lookin' out my back door #
He livesin north Hollywood,
on Radford, nearthe in-n-out burger.
The in-n-out burger'son Camrose.
Nearthe in-n-out burger.
Those are good burgers,Walter.
Shut the fuck up,Donny.
The kid is inninth grade, Dude,
And his father isAre you ready for this?
His father isArthur Digby Sellers.
Who the fuck is that?
Who the fuck isArthur Digby Sellers?
Ever heard of a little showcalled branded, Dude?
Yes, I know
All but one man diedthere at bitter creek?
I know the fucking show,Walter. So what?
Fucking Arthur Digby Sellerswrote 156 episodes, Dude.
The bulkof the series.
Not exactlya lightweight.
And yet his sonis a fucking dunce.
Anyway, we'll go thereafter the what-have-you,
we'll brace the kid,should be a pushover.
We'll be nearthe in-n-out burger.
Shut the fuck up,Donny!
We'll go out there,we'll brace the kid,
He should be a pushover.
We'll get that fucking$1 million back
If he hasn't spent italready.
A million fucking clams.
And yes, we'll be nearthe ..
Some burgers,
some beers,
a few laughs.
Our fucking troublesare over, Dude.
Oh, fuck me, man!
That kid's already spentall the money, man!
New 'vette?Hardly, Dude.
I'd say he still has960, $970,000 left,
depending on the options.
Wait in the car, Donny.
My nameis Walter Sobchak.
This is my associateJeffrey Lebowski.
Um, we came to talkabout little Larry.
May we come in?
Yes, yes.
Thank you.
That's him, Dude.
And a good day to you,Sir!
..sit down, please.
Larry, sweetie,that man is here!
Is he...
Does he still write?
He has health problems.
Sir, I justwant to say ...
that we're both..
on a personal level...
Really enormous fans.
Branded, especiallythe early episodes,
was truly a sourceof inspiration
Sweetie, sit down!
This manis the police.
we didn't wantto give the impression
that we were policeexactly.
We're hopingit won't be necessary
to call the police.
But that's upto little Larry here.
Isn't it, Larry?
Is this your homework,Larry?
Is this your homework,Larry?
Look, man
Dude, please.
Is this your homework,Larry?
Just ask himabout the car, man.
Is this yours, Larry?
Is this your homework,Larry?
Is that your carout front?
Is this your homework,Larry?
We know it'shis fucking homework!
Where's the fucking money,you little brat?
Look, Larry...
Have you ever heardof Vietnam?
You're enteringa world of pain, son.
we know that this isyour homework.
We know that you stolethe car.
And the fucking money!
And the fucking money.
And we know that thisis your homework.
We're gonna cutyour dick off, Larry.
You're killingyour father, Larry.
All right.
This is pointless.
It's time for plan "b."
You might want to watch outthat front window, Larry.
Son, this is what happens
when you fuck a strangerin the ass!
Little language problemhere.
The little prick'sstonewalling me.
What...are you doing,man?
What are you doing?
Here you go, Larry.
You see what happens?
You see what happens,Larry?
You see what happens?
This is what happens
when you fuck a strangerin the ass, Larry!
This is what happens,Larry!
You see what happens,Larry?
You see what happens
when you fuck a strangerin the ass?
This is what happens.
You see what happens,Larry?
You see what happens,Larry?
Do you see what happens,Larry,
when you fuck a strangerin the ass?
This is what happens,Larry!
This is what happens,Larry!
This is what happens
when you fuck a stranger
What the fuckare you doing, man?!
Stop it!
I just boughtthat fucking car last week!
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
I'm gonnafuckin' kill you!
I just boughtthe fucking car last week!
I'll kill yourfucking car, man!
No! No! Hey! Hey!That's not his hey!
God damn it!
You like that?
I kill your fucking car!
I accept your apology.
No. I just..
Want to handle itby myself from now on.
That has nothingto do with it.
Yes, the car made it home.
You're calling me at home.
it did not look like...
Larry was about to crack.
Well,that's your perception.
You know, Walter,you're right.
There isan unspoken message here.
It's fuck you!
Leave me the fuck alone!
Yeah, I'll be at practice.
Pin your diapers on,Lebowski.
Jackie Treehornwants to see you.
Jackie Treehorn knowswhich Lebowski you are.
Jackie Treehorn wants to seethe deadbeat Lebowski.
You're not dealingwith morons here.
Hello, Dude.
Thanks for coming.
I'm Jackie Treehorn.
This is quite a padyou got here, man.
Completely unspoiled.
What's your drink, Dude?
White Russian.Thanks.
White Russian.
How's the smut business,Jackie?
I wouldn't know,Dude.
I deal in publishing,
political advocacy.
Oh. Which one'sLogjamming?
Yes, regrettably,it's true.
Standards have fallenin adult entertainment.
It's video, Dude.
Now that we're competingwith those amateurs,
We can't afford to investin little extras, like story,
production value,
You know, people forget
that the brain isthe biggest erogenous zone.
On you maybe.
Of course, you have to takethe good with the bad.
New technology permits usto do very exciting things
In interactiveerotic software.
Wave of the future,Dude.
I still jerk offmanually.
Of course you do.
I can see you're anxious
for me to get to the point.
Well, here it is, Dude.
Where's Bunny?
Well, I thought youmight know that, man.
Why would I?
She only ran off
to get away from thatrather sizable debt to me.
No. She didn't run off.She's been..
I've heard that kidnappingstory, so save it.
I know you're mixed upin all this, Dude,
And I don't care what you'retrying to get from the husband.
That's your business.
All I'm saying is...
I want mine.
Yeah, right, man.
I mean, there area lot of, um,
Facets to this, a lotof interested parties.
Excuse me.
Where's that?
All right.
Excuse me.
Forgive me.
No problemo, man.
If I can findyour money...
Uh, what's in itfor The Dude?
Well, of course,there's that to discuss.
Uh, refill?
Yeah. The popeshit in the woods?
That all right?
Done, Jackie.
Yeah. I dig the wayyou do business, man.
Your moneyis being held
By a kid namedLarry Sellers.
He livesin north Hollywood,
On Radford ...
by thein-n-out burger.
A fuckin' brat,but I'm sure your goons
can get it off him.I mean, he's 15.
Flunking social studies.
So, if you could just ..
Write me a check for my10% of half a million...
I'll go out and mingle
You mix a hellof a Caucasian, Jackie.
A 15-year-old kid.
Is thissome sort of a joke?
No, no joke.
No funny stuff, Jackie.the kid's got it.
Hi, fellas.
The kid just wanteda car.
All The Dude ever wantedwas his rug back.
I'm not greedy.
It would really...
Tie the room together.
Darkness washed over The Dude.
Darker thana black steer's took us
On a moonless prairie night.
There was no bottom.
# What condition my condition was in #
# I woke up this morningwith the sun down #
# Shinin' in him #
# I found my mindin a brown paper bag #
# But then #
# I tripped on a cloudand fell 8 miles high #
# I tore my mindon a jagged sky #
# I just dropped in #
# To see what conditionmy condition was in #
# Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah #
# What conditionmy condition was in #
# I pushed my soulin a deep dark hole #
# And thenI followed it in #
# I watched myselfcrawlin' out #
# As I was crawlin' in #
# I got up so tight #
# I couldn't unwind #
# I saw so much #
# I broke my mind #
# I just dropped in #
# To see what conditionmy condition was in #
# Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah #
# What conditionmy condition was in #
# Someonepainted echoes on #
# In big black letters #
# On the dead inside #
# I kept my footon the gas #
# As I left the road #
# Blew out my mind #
# 8 miles out of Memphis,and I got no spare #
# 8 miles straightened updowntown somewhere #
# I just dropped in #
# To see what conditionmy condition was in #
# I said,I just dropped in #
# To see what conditionmy condition was in #
But the charge was true
and they sayhe ran away
Is this your only I.D.?
I know my rights,man.
You don't know shit,Lebowski.
I wanta fucking lawyer, man.
I want...
Bill Kunstler, man.
Or Ron Coobie.
Mr. Treehorn tells us
that he had to eject youfrom his garden party,
that you were drunkand abusive.
Mr. Treehorn treats objectslike women, man.
Mr. Treehorn drawsa lot of water in this town.
You don't draw shit,Lebowski.
Now we got a nice quietlittle beach community here,
and I aim to keep itnice and quiet.
So let memake something plain.
I don't like yousucking around,
bothering our citizens,Lebowski.
I don't likeyour jerk-off name,
I don't likeyour jerk-off face,
I don't likeyour jerk-off behavior,
And I don't like you...
Do I make myself clear?
I'm sorry.I wasn't listening.
Fucking fascist!
Stay out of Malibu,Lebowski!
Stay out of Malibu,deadbeat!
Keep your ugly fuckinggold-bricking ass
out ofmy beach community.
# I want to sleep with youin the desert tonight #
# With a billion starsall around #
Man, could youchange the channel?
Fuck you, man!if you don't like my music,
get your own fucking cab!
I had a really rough
I'll pull overand kiss your ass out.
Man, come on,I had a rough night,
And I hatethe fucking eagles, man.
Out of my fucking cab!
# Devil-may-care #
# And I'm the devilwith love to spare #
# So viva, Las Vegas #
# Viva, Las Vegas #
Love me.
Uh, that's my robe.
Tell me aboutyourself, Jeffrey.
Well, not muchto tell.
I, um, I was oneof the authors
of the port HuronStatement.
The originalPort Huron Statement.
Not the compromisedsecond draft.
Uh, and then I,
you ever hearof the Seattle 7?
That was me.
And, um,the 6 other guys.
Um, and thena music business briefly.
Yeah, a roadiefor Metallica.
Speed of sound tour.
Bunch of assholes.
Uh, and then,you know,
A little of this,a little of that.
My career's slowed downa little lately.
What do you dofor recreation?
Oh, the usual.Bowl, drive around.
The occasionalacid flashback.
What happenedto your house?
Oh, Jackie Treehorntrashed the place.
He thought I hadyour father's money.
He got me out of the waywhile he looked for it.
No, thanks.
It's not myfather's money.
It's theFoundation's.
Why did he thinkyou have it?
And who does?
Oh, Larry Sellers,this high school kid.
Real fucking brat.
You know, this is a verycomplicated case, Maude.
Lotta ins, lotta outs.
You know, fortunately,
I'm adhering toa pretty strict,
drug regiment to keepmy mind, you know,
Uh, limber, you know.
Very fucking closeto your father's money.
I keep telling you it'sthe Foundation's money.
Father doesn't have any.
What are you talking about?he's fucking loaded.
No, no, the wealthwas all mother's.
No, he runs stuff,
We did let him run oneof the companies briefly,
But he didn't dovery well at it.
No, he's, you know.
No, he helps administerthe charities now,
and I give hima reasonable allowance.
He has no moneyof his own.
I know how he likesto present himself.
Father's weaknessis vanity.
Hence, the slut.
Uh, do you think he,
What is that, yoga?
It increases the chancesof conception.
Well, yes.
What did you thinkthis was all about?
Fun and games?
I want a child.
Ok, yeah, ok,but let me
Let me explainsomething about The Dude.
Uh, look, Jeffrey,
I don't wanta partner.
In fact, I don'twant the father
to be someoneI have to see socially
or who'll haveany interest
in raisingthe child himself.
Oh, so that doctor
Exactly. Now, whathappened to your face?
Did Jackie TreehornDo that as well?
No, it was the chiefof police of Malibu.
A real reactionary.
So, your father...
Oh, yeah, I get it.
Oh, man, my thinkingabout this case
had become very uptight.Yeah, your father.
Jeffrey, what areyou talking about?
Walter, if you're there,
pick up the fucking phone,man, come on, Walter.
Pick it up, man,this is an emergency.
Come on, enough--Dude?
Yeah, listen, Walter,I'm at my place.
I need you to comepick me up.
I can't drive, Dude,It's Erev Shabbos.
What?Erev Shabbos.
I can't drive.Man!
I'm not even supposedto pick up the phone
unless it'san emergency.
This isa fucking emergency.
I understand. That's whyI picked up the phone.
Walter, you fuck,
we gotta goto Pasadena, man.
Come pick me up or Im offthe fucking bowling team.
Get out of thatfucking car, man.
Get out of thatfucking car!
Get the fuck outof the car, man.
Get out ofthe fucking
Who the fuckare you, man?
Easy, man.Relax, man.
No physical harmintended.
Who the fuckare you?
Why are youfollowing me around?
Come on, fuckhead.
Relax, man.I'm a brother Seamus.
Brother Seamus?
Like an Irish monk?
What the fuck are youtalking about?
My name is Da Fino.
I'm a private snoop,like you, man.
A dick, man.
And let me tell yousomething. I dig your work.
Playing one sideagainst the other.
In bed with everybody.Fabulous stuff, man.
I'm not..fuck it, man.
Just stay away frommy fucking lady friend.
Hey, hey, Im not messingwith your special lady.
She's notmy special lady.
She's my fuckinglady friend.
I'm just helpingher conceive, man.
Hey, man, I'm not
Who are youworking for?
Jackie Treehorn?
The Knutsens.
The--who the fuckare the Knutsens?
The Knutsen's. It'sa wandering daughter job.
Bunny Lebowski, man.
Her real nameis Fawn Knutsen.
Her parents want her back.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Crazy, huh? Ran awayabout a year ago.
The Knutsens told meI should show her this
when I found her.
It's the family farm.
It's outside ofMoorhead, Minnesota.
They think it'llmake her homesick.
Oh, boy.How are you gonna
keep 'emdown on the farm
once they've seenKarl Hungus?
She's beenkidnapped, Da Fino.
Oh, I don't know.maybe not,
But she's definitelynot around.
Hey, maybe you and mecould pool our resources.
Trade information.Professional courtesy.
Compeers, you knowwhat I mean?
I get it.Fuck off, Da Fino.
And stay awayfrom my special
From my fuckinglady friend, man.
Ze lingonberrypancakes.
Lingonberry pancakes.
Sree pigs in blanket.
She has lingonberrypancakes.
I mean we totallyfucked it up, man.
We fucked up his payoff,
we got the kidnappersall pissed off,
And Lebowski, you know,he yelled at me a lot,
But he didn'tdo anything?
Well, sometimesit's a cathartic
No, no, I'm saying ifhe knows Im a fuck-up,
why does heleave me in charge
Of getting his wife back?
Because he doesn't fuckingwant her back, man.
He's had enough.He no longer digs her.
It's all a show.
Ok, but then, whydoesn't he give a shit
About his million bucks?
I mean, he knows we neverhanded off his briefcase,
but he never askedfor it back.
The million bucks wasnever in the briefcase.
The briefcase wasfucking empty, man.
The asshole was hopingthat they would kill her.
You threw out a ringerfor a ringer.
Ok, but how doesthis all add up
To an emergency?
I'm saying I see whatyou're getting at, Dude,
He kept the money.
My point is,
here we are,it's Shabbos,
the Sabbath, whichI'm allowed to break
only if it's a matterof life or death.
Will you come off it,Walter?
You're not evenfucking Jewish, man.
What the fuck areyou talking about?
You're fuckingPolish-catholic.
What the fuck areyou talking about?
I converted whenI married Cynthia.
Come on, Dude.Yeah, yeah.
You know this.
And 5 fucking years ago,you were divorced.
So what are saying?When you get divorced,
You turn inyour library card?
You get a new license?You stop being Jewish?
This isthe driveway, huh?
I'm Jewish asfucking Tevye.
Man, you know,it's all a part
of your sickCynthia thing.
Man, taking careof her fucking dog.
Going to herfucking synagogue.
You're living inthe fucking past.
from Mosesto Sandy Koufax,
you're goddamn right
I'm living inthe fucking past!
What the hellhappened?
Where was she, man?
Visiting friends of hersin palm springs.
She just picked upand left.
Never botheredto tell us.
Well, I guess the fuckingnihilist knew where she was.
Jesus, Dude, she nevereven kidnapped herself.
Who is this gentleman,Dude?
Who am I? I'ma fucking veteran.
He shouldn't goin there, Dude.
He's very angry.
Hello, man.
So, she's back,no thanks to you.
Where's the fuckingmoney, Lebowski?
A million bucksfrom fucking needy
Little urbanachievers!
You are scum, man!
Who the hell is he?
Who am I? Who am I?
I'm the guythat's gonna kick
Your phony goldbrickingass! That's who I am.
Man, we know the briefcasewas fucking empty.
We know you kept the millionbucks for yourself.
You have your story,I have mine.
I say I entrustedthe money to you,
And you stole it.
As if we would everdream of taking
your bullshitmoney!
You thought that Bunnyhad been kidnapped,
and you werefucking glad, man.
You could use it as an excuseto make some money disappear.
All you needed was a sapto pin it on.
You just met me.You human paraquat!
You figured, oh,here's a loser, you know.
A deadbeat.somebody the square community
Won't give a shit about.
Well, aren't you?
Well, yeah, but
Get out, both of you.
Look at thatfucking phony, Dude.
Pretending to be afucking millionaire.
Out of this house now,you bums!
Let me tell yousomething else.
I've seen a lot ofspinals, Dude,
And this guy'sa fake.
A fuckinggoldbricker.
Stay away from me,mister!
This guyfucking walks.
I've never beenmore certain
of anythingin my life.
You stay away from me!
Walter, for Christ's sake,man, he's a cripple.
Come on, come on.
Get away from me!
Put him down, man!
Yeah, I'll puthim down, Dude!
Rauss! Achtung, baby!
Come on, man, help meput him back in his chair.
Sure, you'll seesome tank battles.
But fighting in desertis very different
from fightingin canopy jungle.
I mean 'nam wasa foot soldier's war.
Whereas, this thingshould, you know,
should bea piece of cake.
I mean, I hadan M16, Jacko.
Not an Abramsfucking tank.
Me and Charlie,eyeball to eyeball.
That's fuckin' combat.
The man in theblack pajamas, Dude.
Worthy fuckin'adversary.
Who's inpajamas, Walter?
Shut the fuck up,Donny.
Whereas, what wehave here...
Lots of fig-eaters wearingtowels on their heads,
trying to find reverseon a soviet tank.
This .. is nota worthy
What's thisday of rest shit?
What's this bullshit!
I don't fuckin' care!
It don't matterto Jesus.
But you notfooling me, man.
You might fool the fucksin the league office,
but you don'tfool Jesus.
It's bush leaguepsyche-out stuff.
Laughable, man. Ha ha!
I would have fucked youin the ass Saturday.
I'll fuck you in the assNext Wednesday instead.
Whoo! You got a dateWednesday, baby.
He's cracking.
The whole concept of Asia.
I mean, many learned menhave disputed this,
but in the 14th century.the rabahm, he
Well, theyfinally did it.
They killedmy fucking car.
We want some money,Lebowski.
Ja, otherwise,we kill the girl.
Ja, it seemsyou have forgotten
Our little deal,Lebowski.
You don't have thefucking girl, dipshit.
We know you never did.
Are these the Nazis,Walter?
No, Donny, these menare nihilists.
There's nothingto be afraid of.
Vee don't care. Veestill want the money,
Lebowski, orwe'll fuck you up.
Fuck you.Fuck the 3 of yous.
No, without a hostage,there is no ransom.
That's what ransom is.
Those are the fucking rules.
His girlfriendgave up her toe.
She zought we'd begetting $1 million.
It's not fair.
Fair? Who's the fuckingnihilist around here?
You bunch offucking crybabies.
Cool it, Walter.Hey, look, pal,
There never wasany money.
The big Lebowski gaveme an empty briefcase,
So take it upwith him, man.
Yeah, and I would likemy undies back.
Are these guys gonnahurt us, Walter?
No, Donny, thesemen are cowards.
Ok, so we take zemoney you haf on you
And we calls iteven.
Fuck you.
Hey, no, come on,Walter, come on.
We're ending thisthing cheap, man.
No, what's mine is mine.
Oh, come on, Walter.
No funny stuff.
All right,all right, I got,
Uh, 4 bucks,almost 5.
I got $18.
What'smine is mine.
We fuck you up, man.We takes the money.
Come and get it.
We fuck you up.
Show me whatyou got, nihilist.
I fuck you.
Walter, come on,he's got a sword.
Fucking dipshit witha 9-toed woman.
Fuck you!Fuck you!
I fuck you up!
Take it easy, man.
Here's the $4.00.
I got a fucking ball, man.
I fuck you in ze ass.
I fuck youin ze ass.
I fuck you!I fuck you!
We got a man down, Dude.
God, they shot him,man.
No, Dude.
They shot Donny?
There weren'tany shots fired.
It's a heart attack.
Call the medics, Dude.
I'd go myself, but Impumping blood. Might pass out.
Rest easy, good buddy,you're doing fine.
We got helpchoppering in.
Hello, gentlemen.You are the bereaved?
Yeah, man.
Francis Donnelly.Pleased to meet you.
Jeff Lebowski.
Walter Sobchak.
The Dude, actually,is,
Excuse me?
Oh, nothing.
Yes, I understand you'retaking away the remains.
We have the urn.
I assume this iscredit card.
What's this?
That's for the urn.
Don't need it. We'reScattering the ashes.
Yes, so weWere informed.
However, we must,Of course,
Transmit the remainsTo you in a receptacle.
This is $180.
It is our most modestlypriced receptacle.
Can we just..$180?
They range up to 3,000.
Can't we justrent it from you?
Sir, this is a mortuary,not a rental house.
We're scatteringthe fucking ashes!
Look, just becausewe're bereaved,
Doesn'tmake us saps!
Sir, please,lower your voices.
Man, don't you have,you know,
Something else we couldput him in, you know?
That is our most modestlypriced receptacle.
God damn it!
Is there a Ralphsaround here?
Donny wasa good bowler
And a good man.
He was one of us.
He was a man who lovedthe outdoors and bowling.
And as a surfer,he explored the beaches
of Southern California,
from La Jollato Leo Carrillo
and up to Pismo.
He somany men of his generation,
Before his time.
In your wisdom, Lord,you took him.
As you took so many bright,flowering young men
at Khe Sanh, at Lan Doc,
and Hill 364.
These young mengave their lives.
So did Donny.
Donny who loved bowling.
And so, TheodoreDonald Karabatsos,
in accordance withwhat we think
your dying wishesmight well have been,
We commit your finalmortal remains
To the bosomof the pacific ocean,
which you loved so well.
Good night, sweet prince.
Oh, shit, Dude,I'm sorry.
God damn wind.
You fucking asshole!
Everything's a fuckingtravesty with you, man.
I'm sorry.It was an accident.
What was that shitAbout Vietnam?
What the fuckdoes anything
have to dowith Vietnam?
What the fuck areyou talking about?
Come on, Dude.Hey, fuck it, man.
Let's go bowling.
And when you'resitting there
in your silkupholstered chair
talkin' to some rich folksthat you know
well, I hopeyou don't see me
in my ragged company
Aw, that you knowI could never be alone
Good luck tomorrow.
Yeah, thanks, man.
I'm sorry to hearabout Donny.
Oh, well, yeah,you know,
Sometimes youeat the bar,
And sometimes,you know
I wondered if I'dsee you again.
I wouldn'tmiss the semis?
How have thingsbeen going?
Oh, you know,strikes and gutters,
ups and downs.
Yeah. Thanks, Gary.
Well, take care, man.Gotta get back.
I know that you will.
Yeah, well,The Dude abides.
The Dude abides.
I don't know about you,but I take comfort in that.
It's good knowing he'sout there, The Dude.
Takin' her easyfor all us sinners.
Shoosh. I sure hopehe makes the finals.
Well, that about does her.
Wraps her all up.
Things seemed to haveworked out pretty good
for The Dude and Walter.
And it wasa pretty good story,
Don't you think?
Made me laughto beat the band.
Parts, anyway.
I didn't likeseeing Donny go.
But thenI happen to know
That there's a littleLebowski on the way.
I guess that's how thewhole darn human comedy
keeps perpetuating itself
down throughthe generations.
westward in the wagons,
and across the sandsof time until we
Oh, look at me.
I'm ramblin' again.
Well, I hope you folksenjoyed yourselves.
Catch ya lateron down the trail.
Say, friend,you got any more
of that goodSarsaparilla?