Big Man on Campus (1989) Movie Script

( man grunting, humming )
We are live on campus
during the annual
Renaissance Carnival
to report yet another sighting
of the mysterious creature
that has been rumored
to haunt this university
for the past several years.
I have a few eyewitnesses
here with me now.
It happened late last night.
I saw it swing down
from somewhere,
land in the bushes
and eat what I believe
to be an owl.
It looked like a 250-pound
baked potato.
I saw it a few years ago.
It was dragging a mattress
across the roof of the fine
arts building.
It sat down and began
chewing on the corner.
It looked like a small
giant hippopotamus,
but its legs
weren't that thick.
They were more like
human legs, but thinner.
And its head wasn't
as big as a hippo's.
It was different.
I don't know.
I think it's probably
just some extremely ugly,
heavyset teacher
wearing a bear suit
and antlers or something.
That's what the teachers
around here do sometimes
when the stress
gets to them, you know?
This is my girlfriend Cathy.
She loves television.
You should really talk to her.
Come back here.
I have an important
appointment at 2:00
with the dean
and it's 3:30.
It's 3:30.
I have to go. Bye.
I'll see you later
at the dorm.
Okay, talk to you later.
Bye. See you later.
Well, Cathy, what do
you think about all this
creature business?
Um, well, I don't
really believe in it,
but there's been so much
talk about it lately
that sometimes I feel
like I'm being watched.
Thank you very much.
( grunting, humming )
( speaking gibberish )
( whistles )
- Hey!
- Sorry.
( knocks )
Sorry about
the mix-up, Dean.
Mr. Kaminsky, I have
before me your final grades
from last term.
It appears that once again
you have proven to be
an underachiever.
Apparently underachievement
is the only area in which
you excel.
Well, actually, sir,
to be perfectly honest,
for a while I was suffering
from a lack of direction.
Kaminsky, you are a barnacle
on the great ship of knowledge
and the time is nearing
for you to be scraped off.
If you do not earn
a B average this term,
I will have no recourse
but to flunk you out.
Good day.
( speaking gibberish )
Do you realize
if I flunk out,
my dad is gonna jerk
my butt back to New Jersey
where I will be forced
to slave in Kaminsky's
Furniture Store,
the store in which
everything is plastic
including my parents?
Alex, you are one of
the brightest people I know.
Your main problem
is just that you're just
a little bit unfocused.
And what about us?
( grunting )
Alex, getting depressed
about it is not gonna make
matters any better.
I enjoy being depressed.
It's an inexpensive way
of showing oneself
a bad time.
Man on loudspeaker:
And now for our
final contestant
for the wench of this year's
campus Renaissance Carnival,
here's Miss Laura Stevens.
Now tell us, Laura,
what does a college
education mean to you?
Okay, like, if you're
real dumb, you know,
and something real bad
happens like a nuclear war
and your TV won't work,
or it's real dark
and you can't find
your makeup,
well, if you're,
like, educated,
maybe you can figure out
something to do.
I have shoes that
are smarter than her.
Hey, jerk face,
that happens to be
my girlfriend.
Oh, sorry.
You know what?
I'm on medication
for enlarged pores
and it just kind of
makes me crazy.
I mean, actually,
your girlfriend
is quite attractive
for a girl.
For anyone
for that matter.
- She's beautiful.
- Isn't she?
Okay, folks, we're gonna take
a five-minute breather here
- and let the judges make
their final decisions.
- Ow.
So just hang tight
and we'll be back in a second
with the results.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Steve.
Well, I see you're
still hanging around with
Mr. Excitement here.
tell me something.
What is this magical
hold you have over this
beautiful woman?
- Back off, Steve, okay?
- Hey.
- Oh.
- And go.
I'm so sorry.
Again, I'm sorry.
You know what?
I'm-- I'm just--
I'm having a bad day.
And it's about
to get worse.
I think that makes us
about even, don't you?
Guess again.
But I promised my parents
this term I'd try and avoid
getting beaten to death.
Aren't you
gonna do something?
I'd like to, but I kind
of think he's learning
a life lesson
that's gonna be valuable
to him at some later date.
- Stop it.
- ( grunting )
( grunting )
- Hey, hey, relax.
- Get off of me.
Leave me alone.
You're lucky you have
a strong girl to protect you.
Hold her, guys.
Leave him alone.
What the hell?
- ( grunts )
- ( crowd gasps )
- ( grunts )
- ( screams )
- ( screams )
- ( screams )
( siren blaring )
There he is.
Come on, fellas.
( crowd screaming )
Don't hurt him.
- Hold it
right there, mister.
- Calm down.
- ( groans )
- ( clamoring )
Where do you think
he came from?
I don't know.
New York?
That's her.
That's the animal's
Move, they're
gaining on us.
Miss Adams?
- Yeah.
- How you doing?
- Hi.
- Mr. Klinsky?
- Kaminsky.
- Kaminsky. Sorry.
I'm Miles Cohen,
the court-appointed
defense attorney.
Follow me.
I'll take you to
the east courtroom.
- Great.
- Can we see him first?
Okay, kids.
Here he is.
Wow, he looks so nice
in a jacket, doesn't he?
It's a joke.
It's a joke.
Can I say hello?
Uh, yeah.
Don't get him aggravated.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Cathy.
- Cathy.
He understands.
No, not really.
He just repeats things.
Oh, great, so what we
have here is the world's
largest parrot, correct?
- Correct.
- Correct.
- ( bangs gavel )
- In the matter of John Doe.
Your Honor, this is
a hearing pursuant
to the Mental Health Act
of the State of California
to determine whether
John Doe is of sufficient
mental capacity to manage
his own affairs.
Where is the respondent
John Doe?
He's on his way in,
Your Honor.
( crowd murmuring )
Do they have to keep him
all chained up like that?
I think it's to prevent him
from eating the courtroom.
( banging gavel )
Okay, let's have
your first witness.
- ( grunting )
- He's going after Steve!
What the hell is going
on here, Mr. Cohen?
he's a little
nervous, Your Honor,
but he'll be fine.
- Order, please!
- It's okay.
- Please, Mr. Cohen.
- He'll be fine.
- It's all right.
- Once he's down, he's down.
Thank you, Mr. Cohen.
He'll be fine now.
Fine now.
( sniffing )
I think he just likes
my perfume.
Let's get started,
Mrs. Johnson, please.
Your Honor, the prosecution
calls Dr. Victoria Fisk.
The subject has,
obviously, had little
or no human contact.
He suffers from a complete
inability to relate to people.
His motor responses
are erratic.
His temperament
is unpredictable
and occasionally
violent in nature.
The combination of these
factors coupled
with his already evident
savage behavior
make it imperative that he be
institutionalized at once.
The defendant
is unquestionably
a menace to society.
The defense calls
Miss Cathy Adams.
I believe the defendant came
from wherever he came from
because he thought somebody
was trying to hurt me.
The only time he ever did
any physical harm to anybody
was either to help me
or protect himself.
Your Honor, we have no way
of determining
what the respondent
had in mind if anything.
The defense calls
Dr. Richard Webster
of the psychology department
at the university.
Your Honor, like Dr. Fisk,
I've only briefly examined
the respondent
and I feel at this point
it would be very unfair
to make any final judgment.
Now, my colleagues and I have
persuaded the university
to allow us
to test, examine,
and to possibly rehabilitate
this poor
unfortunate creature.
Our hope is to give him
the opportunity
to better demonstrate the full
extent of his capabilities.
With all due respect,
Your Honor,
the defendant has
already demonstrated
the full range
of his abilities.
It is obvious
what we have here
is a clear-cut
difference of opinion.
Your Honor, if you have
any further questions,
I suggest that the defendant
take the witness stand.
The witness may take
the stand.
Do you swear
that the testimony
you're about to give
will be the truth,
the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?
If so, answer yes.
Don't be deceived,
Your Honor.
The defendant only appears
to understand.
Actually, he just repeats
the last few sounds
that he hears.
May I show you something?
Yes, you may.
Who do you think
is better qualified
to determine your
ultimate fate?
Dr. Webster
or Dr. Fisk?
Dr. Fisk.
Now, let me ask you,
which are you,
a wise man or a complete
and total fool?
Complete and total fool.
( crowd laughs )
( bangs gavel )
It gives me no pleasure
to render my verdict.
However, the evidence
leaves me no choice.
The defendant shall
be remanded to the custody
of the sheriff
to be confined
in a mental facility
for his protection
and the protection
of others.
Your Honor, I really
don't think this is fair.
- I mean, you
haven't even seen--
- ( bangs gavel )
Let's go.
( sighs )
Bye, Judge Ferguson.
( crowd murmuring )
And as a result
of that dramatic moment,
Judge Ferguson
has awarded temporary custody
of the hunchback
to the university
under the supervision
of Dr. Richard Webster.
However, the judge has
set forth one condition.
Should the defendant
exhibit any violent
or disruptive behavior,
he will immediately be
Miss Adams, will you
be participating in
this experiment?
I'm gonna help
in any way I can.
Mr. Kaminsky, how do you
fit into the picture?
Very carefully.
No, actually, I'm gonna
be his manicurist.
I am certain
that the creature
is a time bomb
ready to explode.
I would stake
my reputation on that.
I think you just have.
Reporting live from
the courthouse--
Live? I didn't know
this was live.
Could I rephrase that?
Stake my reputation...
Doctor, I have to go
talk to the hunchback.
- Thank you very much.
- That's going a little far.
Couldn't I just say...
( clamoring )
( siren blares )
- Cathy.
- Yes?
- Cathy.
- Yes?
- Cathy.
- Yes?
- Cathy.
- He certainly has
a way with word.
Why does he keep
saying my name over
and over again?
He's infatuated with you.
You've become a mixture
of fantasy and reality.
Repeating your name
over and over again
is a form of masturbation.
I know a better one.
( laughs )
Alex: You keep doing that,
you're gonna go blind.
All right, stop here.
All right, now, we have
to go up to my offices
right up here
in this building here.
So if you want to just--
no, no, no.
It's okay.
Don't be afraid.
Cathy, Mooka.
Cathy, Mooka.
What does he want now?
I think he's inviting
you to break one of the
Ten Commandments with him.
Oh, wow,
he's after me, too.
This guy is kinkier
than I thought.
No. No Mooka.
Thanks, my parents
wouldn't approve.
I think he wants
to show us something.
Yeah, I know he does
and I know what it is
and I don't want
to see it.
- No Mooka.
- Mooka.
- No Mooka.
- Mooka macoola.
No Mooka macoola.
Wow, look at me.
I'm arguing with this guy
and I don't know what
the hell I'm saying.
- He's got me!
- Whoa, big boy.
Where is he taking me?
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- Cathy, Mooka.
- What is that thing?
- Don't touch it.
- Mooka.
Wait, what?
( laughs )
Look at that.
Go on, take it.
It's a sign
of friendship.
Thank you.
Don't you want
to give Alex some?
For me?
You ought to be flattered.
He's sharing his
food with you.
I know what's coming next.
First it's chocolate,
then it's nylons.
I have a reputation
to maintain.
I can't just jump into
the sack with every Tom,
Dick, and Quasimodo
who comes along.
No one's been up here
since the big clock broke.
And I know whose
face broke it.
( grunts )
Oh, my God.
He must have been filling
this place up for years,
picking through garbage.
- Watch your step.
- If he kept all this stuff,
can you imagine
what he must have
thrown away?
This looks like
the place where dirt
from all over the world
comes to bury its dead.
- Ah!
- Alex!
- Watch your step there.
- Are you all right?
- ( squeaks )
- Mooka.
That's what he meant
when he was saying Mooka.
- The rat's his friend.
- Yeah.
More like a relative,
I think.
Amazing how pets
resemble their owners,
isn't it? Or vice versa.
Look at how loving
and gentle he is with Mooka.
This is just incredible.
Look at all the candy
If this is all he's eating,
no wonder he's shaped like
a giant Chunky.
Yeah, we've got to get
some real food into him.
Get some color
in his face, too.
I sort of like it
the way it is-- olive drab.
Oh, wow.
You can see the whole
campus up here.
You can see
the classrooms,
the girls' dorms,
hmm, the student union,
the girls' dorms,
the football stadium,
the girls' dorms.
He must have learned
just about everything he knows
about human behavior looking
through people's windows.
How about that?
We finally have something
in common.
So he's a Peeping Tom.
- ( grunting )
- Whoa.
Alex, I think
you better come down.
- Yeah, be careful.
- ( grunting )
Yeah, I think
I will come down.
I think it's time
we hit the road,
don't you?
You can say good-bye
to your little
friend and all.
All right.
Yeah, I'm gonna have
myself boiled and dipped
in a vat of Lysol.
I think it's better
that we leave him here.
Changing the environment
may be a little
disorienting for him.
Yeah, and we wouldn't want
to separate him from Mooka.
No, of course not.
We wouldn't want to do that.
Separate him
from Mooka.
Let Mooka grow up without
any parental guidance.
He could start hanging out
with the wrong kind of rat.
End up in prison making
miniature license plates
for model cars
or something.
We can't leave him
here alone.
- I could stay with him.
- Oh, you could stay with him?
- Are you crazy?
- Alex is right.
- Alex: Thank you.
- He needs a male
for a role model.
The only problem
will be trying to find
a volunteer he trusts.
Well, you could always put
an ad in the classifieds.
Wanted: friendly, likeable,
trustworthy male
to live in clock tower
with hunchback wild man
and his trained rat.
Oh, no, you don't.
No. I'm sorry.
Really. Not me.
Not this guy here. No.
I'm not friendly.
I'm not likeable.
I'm not
trustworthy, okay?
Alex, this is a rare
You could have a profound
effect on his development.
Not to mention what
you would be contributing
to the world
of psychology, Alex.
Good, then don't
mention it.
Alex, he needs you.
Alex: My parents
wouldn't approve, okay?
We're of different faiths.
I'm Jewish, he's Neanderthal.
Our children would grow up
to be stupid doctors.
How can I take care
of him anyway?
I can hardly
take care of myself.
Besides, he hates me,
Hates me.
I think Cathy can get
him to accept you.
Thanks, but no, thanks.
Alex, I'm just really
disappointed in you.
I am really
disappointed in me, too,
but I still can't do it.
Look, I have got a lot
of studying to do
if I'm going to make it
through this semester, okay?
Any free time I have
will be spent
worrying about why I'm not
studying with my free time.
( grunting )
How about if I talk
to your instructors?
I bet I can get them
to give you special
I mean, after all,
what you'd be doing ultimately
is gonna benefit
the department of psychology.
- What do you say about that?
- You could do that?
I can try.
And it would mean
a great deal to me
if you would reconsider.
And you could do
something about my studies?
And you would be
eternally grateful?
( growling )
No. Mm-mmm.
( crickets chirping )
He's gonna kill me
in the night
and eat my clothes.
( growls )
You put my bed
all the way up there?
It seemed like
the only safe place.
Put the TV anywhere.
Alex, he took
one of your lamps.
Oh, that's great.
I'll hang your stuff over
here on this gargoyle.
Well, that about does it.
Anything else
you can think of?
Yeah, about 20,000
roach motels.
You know, you are really
terrific for doing this.
( growls )
Uh, you two better
restrict your displays
of affection
until you're alone.
He's apparently
very jealous.
Cathy, we better go.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Oh, Alex,
I really appreciate
what you're doing.
I'm sure he does, too.
You're gonna talk
to my teachers, right?
Yes, Bring their names
to me tomorrow in my office
at 9:00 in the morning.
Yeah, if I'm alive,
I'll be there.
( growls )
Okay. Okay.
Okay, look.
I don't want
any trouble, really.
So I'm just gonna stay
to my side of the room
and you just stay
to your side of the room.
And, you know,
no quick moves.
No running.
No biting.
Biting-- no biting.
No hitting anyone
over the head with 2x4s
while anyone
is asleep, okay?
I don't want to be here,
but I don't have a choice.
So let's just you and me
make the best of it, okay?
( grunts )
( speaking gibberish )
Okay, sorry.
( chuckles )
- ( speaks gibberish )
- Right.
I guess we're
agreed, then, huh?
I'm gonna--
this is my bag.
Just getting it.
Got the thing.
I'm just gonna...
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to hit
that at all.
I'm sorry.
I'll pick that up
in a minute.
I didn't mean
to scare you.
( exhales )
I'm-- I'm--
I don't need sheets
or anything. I'm fine.
( growls )
( exhales )
( squeaks )
Look, I don't want the two
of you up all night
talking and giggling.
You understand?
( lamp clatters )
( laughs )
( sighs )
First day of school.
This is a big day for you.
Yeah, Cathy's right.
The least you could have
done is comb your face.
Oh, here's my list
of instructors.
Oh, yeah.
I'll take care of that.
Alex, by the way,
the goal here is
to get him to look
more like you,
not the other way around.
Yes, but you forgot
to take into account
that the human hair ball
over here and I are sharing
a living space
which is void of hot
and cold running anything.
That is, if you don't count
the insects, and I suggest
you don't count the insects
because then you might
be up all night,
which I was, which accounts
for why I look like I do.
- I'll get it sprayed, okay?
- Could you have him
sprayed, too?
Where exactly
are we taking him?
To the psychological
- Got you.
- ...observation facility
down here.
Down here.
What the...?
( screeches )
Come on.
Come on, let's go.
It's all right,
All right, you want
to come in here now?
Make yourself
We are going to go out now
and we will be back soon.
I want you to stay.
- Stay.
- Stay.
Stay, yes.
- All right.
- Stay.
Good morning, everybody.
I guess we can sit down
and get started here.
First of all,
I'd like to introduce
Alexander Kaminsky.
Alex is a psychology major
who is living
with the subject to help us
monitor his behavior.
Very temporarily.
You want to sit down?
Webster, he's amazing.
Just amazing.
Good morning,
Dr. Girard.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- You'll need this.
- Oh, thank you.
( grunts )
( grunts )
( chanting gibberish )
Cathy, Cathy.
( chanting continues )
Oh, let me
turn that up.
( chanting )
Cathy, Cathy.
( chanting )
Cathy, Cathy.
( chanting continues )
I give it an 85.
I like the beat,
but I can't understand
the words.
- It's a primal chant.
- Great.
What's a primal chant?
It's a behavior syndrome
indicating anxiety
or distress.
It manifests itself in
this basic rhythmic form.
- It's common to all primates.
- Oh, that primal chant.
he's found his feet.
I give it six weeks
before it hurts someone.
Make that three weeks.
We're back.
We're back. We're back.
- Everything's all right.
- Your Uncle Alex is here now.
Nobody's gonna
leave you alone
anymore, are we?
- No, no, no.
- No, we're not.
We're not.
Now, first I'd like to
take some measurements.
And we'll just undress him
here behind this screen.
You don't want to see this.
This could get ugly.
- All right.
- ( growls )
Oh, I'm sorry.
Would you give us
a hand here?
Yeah, sure.
That's my mistake.
Look here, this will
be painless.
Absolutely painless.
I promise you.
Come on.
Let go of the table.
Just come behind
the screen.
You don't need
all these things on you.
- Under the arm.
- Get his belt.
- Don't touch me there.
- His other belt.
- Not me!
- That's my belt.
Here. Here.
Under his arm.
Just lift.
Never mind.
Never mind, fellas.
Let's just deal
with what we have here.
Let's just get you
under the light here.
Here, give me those.
Don't touch those, please.
All right.
Hey, don't do this.
Give me that.
Thank you.
Don't take this.
Please. Please.
Just hold still now.
Hold still.
All right.
33 and three-quarters head.
33 and three-quarters.
This is mine.
24 on the neck.
There's some
considerable hair.
Please, now.
Just relax.
just relax.
62 and a half.
Thank you.
Now, the object
is to knock the peg
through a hole.
- ( sniffs )
- Like this.
Now, you try.
I got six seconds.
Is this--
is this a problem?
No, I don't think so.
- Dr. Webster...
- ( crowd gasps ) have less than
one school term
to prove that the creature
can function in society.
What's your prediction?
I'm hopeful.
But it's a little
too early--
Let go.
Don't touch.
To tell, right?
To tell. Right, okay.
Another interesting role
in this rather unusual story
is that being played by young
student Alexander Kaminsky.
Mr. Kaminsky, could you
come here, please?
- Mr. Kaminsky.
- Yeah. Hi.
What exactly is your
relationship with
the hunchback?
We're betrothed.
It's a very strange
story, but since you
insist, I'll tell it.
Many years ago,
in exchange for food,
my parents promised
that I would wed
the local landowner's
firstborn gorilla.
- Isn't that right?
- Right.
- Right.
- Right.
Right. Mr. Kaminsky,
is there any extra
that you can give us
on the hunchback that hasn't
already been divulged?
Oh, yes.
Of course.
Well, he snores
when he's asleep.
- Mooka.
- Ugh.
And he is
incredibly strong.
I taught him
how to wrestle.
And you know
the kind of Indian
wrestle where you grab
each other,
you try to pull each
other off balance?
- Yes, I know that.
- He is so powerful
- that every time I say go--
- Go!
- Ah!
- ( laughs )
Is he all right?
This happens.
I see.
That's very
Well, thank you.
This is Stan Fisher.
- Stay.
- Stay. Stay.
No, I can't stay.
I have to go.
- Go.
- ( Stan screams )
I warned him.
I tried to warn him.
( grunts )
No, it's past
both your bedtimes.
Come on.
Come on.
- Bed.
- Bed.
Upstairs now.
No chocolate.
No chocolate.
- Chocolate.
- No. No chocolate.
You've had enough
chocolate for one day.
Just go to bed now.
Turn off your light.
Don't smash the lamp.
I'll see you in the morning.
Good night.
( bulb shatters )
( groans )
( chanting )
( chanting continues )
( chanting continues )
( chanting continues )
No, no.
No, no.
No. Wait.
Bounce the ball.
( gasps )
Bounce ball.
Yes. Good.
Very good.
Very good.
- Yes, you may have it.
- Bounce banana.
No, no.
Hope the next item
isn't a hand grenade.
I'd like to be alone
with him, hmm?
Won't the neighbors talk?
It's a joke.
It's a joke.
Why don't I go
for a walk, huh?
( growls )
( door closes )
- ( grunts )
- ( chuckles )
Kitty soft.
Kitty soft.
Very good.
The dog goes woof woof.
Yes, the dog
goes woof woof.
Yes, listen now.
Yes. Yes.
Dog go...
( barking )
( screams )
No. All right.
No, no.
( barking )
Down. Down.
Down. Down.
Down. Down.
( rings )
Hold this.
Grab this. Take it.
Hold it.
Very good.
Hi. Two roast beef
specials, please.
- Roast beef?
- Yes, please.
- Chocolate.
- No chocolate.
- Gravy?
- Yeah, lots of gravy.
- Chocolate.
- No chocolate.
No tatoes.
No chocolate.
Tatoes and that's final.
- Mashed or fried?
- Mashed. French fries.
Don't pout.
And don't whine.
Excuse me.
You can have one
Okay, one?
After you finished
everything on your plate.
Did you just call me
a kamoola?
I am not a kamoola.
I am trying to do what's
best for you here.
You know, you work
your fingers to the bone,
and the first chance
they get, they're calling
you a kamoola.
Bacoola kamoola.
- Next.
- Move it.
( students murmuring )
Hey, guys.
How you doing?
I'll remember who
you people are,
so don't try rushing back
once his inheritance money
comes in, okay?
No, look.
Use this.
Yeah, it goes right
in your mouth.
- Ah!
- No, with food on it.
- Oola moola.
- Oola moola is right.
I know.
But just save
the meat for later
because we can use it
to make a leather jacket
for Mooka, okay?
I will be right back.
You just sit here
and behave yourself.
And don't talk
to any strangers.
Cathy, I had
a dream last night,
you know?
Someone in high heels
and shorty pajamas.
It was Mooka.
Don't you have any time
this afternoon?
Oh, I've got
an architectural
class until 3:00.
Oh, great.
He's in with Girard
till 5:00.
Shoot, I'm tutoring
until 6:00.
Well, what about tonight?
Could I possibly
come over tonight?
I think that could
probably be arranged.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, great.
That's wonderful.
Okay, I'll definitely
come over after I put
the lump to bed.
Would you like me to wear
anything in particular?
No, anything made
of Saran Wrap ought
to be just perfect.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Woman: What's going on?
- Man: It's amazing.
So how's Dr. Webster doing
with your instructors?
Very good.
Three down, two to go.
He said he got them
to agree that because of
my valuable assistance
to the psychology department,
I don't have to take any tests.
( chanting )
More! More! More! More!
I think I better
get in there.
( chanting continues )
More! More! More!
( chanting stops )
I wish you'd get undressed.
It would make this whole
thing so much easier.
Next time, I'm just gonna
run you through a car wash.
Here, look.
I'm going to introduce
you now to Mr. Soap, okay?
I hope the two of you
will become great friends.
Why do you look so sad?
I'm not angry with you.
It wasn't your fault.
It was my fault.
I'm sorry, okay?
Can you forgive me?
( grunts, laughs )
Oh, boy.
I was just--
we were just--
( laughs )
Hi, guys.
How you doing?
- ( TV playing )
- ( scissors snipping )
Let's see what
we got here.
Well, I don't know about you,
but I'm very disappointed.
- Very disappointed.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's getting
kind of late, huh?
Bedtime for Bonzo,
young man.
- ( squeaks )
- You, too, young rat.
- ( yawns )
- ( yawns )
- ( groans )
- ( groans )
Go to bed.
- No. Your own bed.
- No. Your own bed.
- Right.
- Right.
Good night.
( lamp clatters )
( snoring )
Just going to get
something to drink.
- I'm thirsty.
- Thirsty.
- Forget it.
- Forget it.
- Not thirsty anymore.
- Not thirsty anymore.
- Bed. Up.
- Bed up.
( sighs )
- Would you go
to your own bed, please?
- My bed.
( snoring )
( wood creaks )
Get upstairs!
Get upstairs.
Go, go.
- Now.
- Now.
I'm never gonna
get out of here.
( snoring )
- ( screams )
- Stoki.
( laughs )
I give up.
I'm going to sleep now.
- Good night.
- Night.
- ( crowd cheering )
- ( cheerleaders chanting )
- What happened last night?
- I got trapped.
I had candles,
bubbles, massage oil,
Go, go.
Good. Good.
Go, team.
Yeah, go, team, go.
Go, team, go.
Come on.
Stand up.
Go-- don't look--
yeah, look.
Why don't we just go
somewhere right now?
He'll never miss us.
He's having the time
of his life.
It'll take five minutes.
Six at the most.
We'll be right--
( chuckles )
right back, I pro--
( groans )
Okay. Okay.
I'm just gonna
go get drinks.
I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
Come back soon, honey.
She's gonna get drinks.
I think I'm gonna
go help her.
So you stay here, okay?
- Bounce ball.
- No bounce ball.
- Throw ball.
- No throw ball either.
Good boy.
( claps )
Dog breath,
throw the ball.
Come on.
- No throw ball.
- Throw the ball.
No throw ball.
Guys, get the ball back.
Go ahead.
( crowd clamoring )
( crackles )
( grunts )
Hi. Sorry we're late.
We had to stop and have
his shirt--
Alex, yesterday was
totally unacceptable.
You have
a responsibility here.
( stammers )
Cathy and I were gone
for two minutes.
Maybe five.
Eight at the most.
You realize you could
have gotten our friend
here locked up for good?
Okay, I screwed up.
I screwed up and I'm sorry.
I think you'll see
by this demonstration
just how far along
he's come.
He now has the vocabulary
of a three-year-old child,
which is well over
1,000 words.
And you're sure he's not
just repeating sounds?
Oh, no.
It's ideas, concepts,
the whole thing.
He has an insatiable
appetite for learning.
Sometimes I can
barely keep up.
- I'm sorry we're late.
- It's all right.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Well, are you ready
to show everyone
what you've
learned so far?
Sit on chair.
( clatters )
Lamp for light.
Pencil. Draw.
411 for information.
911 for help.
976 for good time.
What's this?
- Banana.
- Yes.
- Bounce banana.
- No, no. No, no, no.
It's a joke.
It's a joke.
Eat banana.
Yes. You see?
Joke. Concepts.
- All right,
and what's this?
- Hand.
And what is
the hand used for?
Hold, grab,
touch, feel.
- What's this?
- Dress.
And who wears a dress?
- Where's your nose?
- Nose.
- And your eye?
- Eye.
- And your tongue?
- Tongue.
Good. And where
are your feet?
- Left foot.
- Left foot.
- Right foot.
- Very good. Your knees.
Don't you think
it's time to concede
that you might have made
a error in judgment here?
Even Jack the Ripper
had long periods
of docile
and inactive behavior.
- Left armpit. Right armpit.
- That's good.
I think you've done
very well.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
In fact, I think you
and I are due a long
talk in my office.
Good. Good.
Does anyone have
any questions?
- None here.
- Not from me.
Do you have
any questions?
What part of body this?
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
That's an area we'll cover
a little later
in your development.
Oh, boy.
I want to thank you
for your work and all
of you for coming.
Want to see Cathy.
I believe that's your
department, Dr. Webster.
Well, can I trust
you and Cathy
to take him somewhere
and not get in trouble?
What are you doing?
Come this way.
Turn around
and go this way.
Turn around.
Hey, hey.
Excuse him.
He doesn't mean to--
Hey, turn around
and go back.
Go back and come
around this way now.
Do as I say.
Just go up and around.
I can't believe you.
He's not harmful.
He's fine.
Lamp. Store.
Bags. Baby.
- Dress. Underpants.
- ( woman screams )
- Oh, I'm so-- excuse us.
- Trees.
50% off sale.
- ( barking )
- Heel. Heel.
( barking )
Will you
cut it out, sir?
( barking )
I'm really
disappointed in you.
- Dog started it.
- I don't care who
started it.
- I don't care
who started it.
- Stop it.
- Stop it.
- I'm telling you, it's like
having a pet man.
Come on,
how bad can it be?
I'll tell you how bad.
This morning he sang
a three-and-a-half-hour
version of Maka Malooga.
You know, the other
night, I actually kissed
Mooka good night.
You hear me?
I kissed a rat
good night on the lips.
And what's worse,
I think I liked it.
He doesn't even kiss
Mooka on the lips.
- Sounds like you're
doing a great job.
- It does?
Don't you get
into any more trouble.
- Okay.
- Last night we fought over
the television again.
I wanted to watch
"Taxi" reruns,
but Mr. Class
here had to watch
"Masterpiece Theatre."
I know he's just doing
it to piss me off.
Who's Lady Edna?
Lady Edna,
mistress to Lord Wallington,
sister of Lady Clark,
confidante of Prince Philip,
to Richard Earl of York.
Lucky guess.
Actually, I'm quite
- Want picture.
- Oh, yeah?
- Hi. How much is this?
- $3.
Oh, great.
Let's go for it.
Have a seat.
- Oh, I love this.
- Me, too.
( laughs )
Hi, folks.
May I help you?
Yeah, I'll have
two drumsticks
and a wing.
I'd like a wing
and two breasts
and a thigh.
And you, sir?
You can have
any part you want.
A leg,
a wing, a breast.
Any part.
So go ahead.
Tell the nice lady
what you want.
Two faces.
Now it's just up those
stairs and to the right.
Go on.
You can do it.
I believe in you.
Go for it.
Don't forget to knock.
( knocking )
Come in.
- ( knocking continues )
- Come in.
- ( knocking continues )
- Mmm.
Ah, come in.
( continues knocking )
It's all right,
come in.
Come on.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Would you like
to shake my hand?
Well, I guess
that'll do for now.
( sighs )
Lie down on
the couch, please.
There you go.
Just lie down there.
( humming )
( muffled )
Was that a yes?
( muffled )
It might be better
if you were facing up.
( thuds )
Let's see,
we got...
( groans )
Why don't you
just sit down?
Yeah, okay.
I have a few basic
questions to ask.
But first,
do you remember who
your mother and father are?
No. Who?
No, I don't know.
I was asking you.
Well, I'd like
to start over.
Do you know
where you came from?
No, where?
I don't know.
I'm asking you.
Do you remember
having a name?
Well, think back to when
you were a small boy
and people would
first see you.
What would they say?
- Ah.
- Sometimes feck.
I think the first thing
we can do is get
a name for you.
And I think
you should pick it.
Now, can you think
of a name that you'd like
to be your name?
Judy Finkle.
Well, Judy Finkle
is a nice name.
- Thank you.
- But it's a woman's name.
- Okay.
- Well, it's not
exactly okay.
You should have
a man's name.
Now I want you to think
of a man's name.
A name that you think
suits you.
William F. Buckley.
I believe there is
a William F. Buckley.
William G. Buckley.
I think you should
have your own name.
A name that is not
like a famous person's.
Anyone famous named
- I doubt it.
- Good.
Well, Mr....
Looga, yeah.
One malooga,
four loogas.
All right.
Why don't I just
call you Bob?
- Don't know.
- Okay.
Did you know how
to talk before?
Mmm, who taught you,
your mother?
Do you remember
the last time you saw her?
She sick.
Where was
your father?
Uh, went away.
- Ah.
- When Bob small.
Didn't come back.
Tell me about your mother.
Liked her.
Very much.
she got more sick...
and went to sleep.
didn't wake up.
What happened to you
after your mother...
went to sleep?
People took me away
and locked me up.
They didn't like me.
How do you know that?
They hit me
and they kicked me, too.
one day weren't looking,
Bob hide
in closet.
Then run away.
You ended up here
in the tower?
Yeah. Yeah.
What language was that
you were talking when
we found you?
Made it up
so Bob could
be own friend.
Well, now you have people
here who are your friends.
Yeah, Bob know.
You've done
very well.
Now, any questions
you want to ask me?
Why is my face leaking?
Make a change
in your life
And make it
for the better
Don't you wait
no longer
It'll just set
you back further
Make a change
in your life...
All right, Bob.
I'd like you to try
and read these sentences
if you can.
All right?
"Bob is in bed."
"Bob had a big ball."
"Bob sits in a chair."
"Bob went to the store."
That is very good, Bob.
Before you know it,
you'll be reading books.
Bob already read book.
"Lust Unchained."
- Bob read for you.
- Oh, you know, Bob--
"Derek placed his left
hand on her knee
and slowly slid it up
her leg to her thig."
- Thigh.
- Thigh.
I have a book here
I think you'd like
a lot better.
"It exposed the lily-white
mounds of flesh..."
- "Quinton Needs Quit."
- "...which were now
heaving with...
On the surface,
Susan appeared cool,
but she secretly wanted
to be rav--
"He unzipped her--"
I think that's enough
of that for now.
Why don't you and I go
over to the cafeteria
and grab ourselves
a bit to suck?
Eat. Eat.
A bit to eat.
All right?
Come on.
Bob, give me the book.
( paper rips )
And the page.
- Ahem.
- Dr. Webster.
Hey! Throw plate!
Throw plate!
Here it comes.
- Oh!
- Sorry.
- Got it.
- Great.
Yeah, okay.
This is a long one now.
- ( grunts )
- Sorry again.
Got it.
Yeah, great.
Okay, go out.
This is coming
right to you.
- ( grunts )
- Oh, no!
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- Yeah.
- Look.
Why don't you kids
go on off somewhere
and I'll take care
of Bob?
Give him a ride
or something.
Okay, but Bob doesn't
like it when you ride him.
Look, I'm trying to give
you two enough time to go
study for finals.
You forget, Cathy has
finals and I have Bob.
- Alex, you have finals, too.
- No, that's not the deal.
The deal is that I don't
have to take any tests
this semester, remember?
You have to take
finals, Alex.
- Finals are tests.
- Finals are finals, Alex.
If you don't take them,
you're gonna flunk out
of school.
I'm two months behind.
I have to pull a B average.
How am I gonna do that?
I'll help
you take care of Bob.
I know we can do this.
I'm a dead man.
Good luck.
Get your books out
and cram.
I don't even know
where my books
are anymore.
What am I talking about?
I don't even know where
my classes are anymore.
I cannot believe I've gotten
myself into this mess.
And after all the sacrifices
I've made, you know?
What have I gotten
out of it?
You got me.
Man on TV:
A dog. A cat.
- A parrot.
- Things you eat.
A fish.
Things you lick.
Things you don't lick.
Would one of you mind
turning that down, please?
- I have to study.
- Want Bob to help?
Yeah, right.
Alex want Bob to help.
- What's the pituitary?
- Pituitary.
A small endocrine gland
attached to brain.
Secretes hormones
affecting growth.
How many times
have I told you not
to look at my books?
- Nine.
- Then why do you
keep doing it?
Bob want to be smart
like Alex.
Well, do me a favor, okay?
From now on, don't touch
my things, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
( quietly )
Okay. Okay.
( turns off )
( sighs )
It's really not your fault
that I can't study.
I'm sorry.
- Alex.
- Yeah?
Never mind.
- Alex.
- Yeah?
- Never mind.
- Never mind.
What is it?
Bob have something
important to tell Alex
that's very hard
for Bob to say.
Well, why don't you tell me
what it is and I'll say it?
- Alex.
- It's a joke.
Alex not be mad?
Alex not be mad.
Bob gonna get Cathy.
Bob gonna get
Cathy what?
That's it.
Bob gonna get Cathy.
( sighs )
Bob, we should have
told you this before,
but Cathy and I
have been hiding our feelings
for each other
because we don't
want to hurt you.
We both care
very much about you.
But Cathy
is my girlfriend
and I'm her boyfriend.
Yeah, now.
I really don't want to see
your feelings get hurt.
Bob feel same way
about Alex.
You realize you're being
a little unrealistic, right?
Alex afraid
of competition?
What competition?
Bob smart.
Bob talented.
Bob have good
sense of humor.
Bob have excellent
study habits.
That last one
was uncalled for.
And for your information,
my studying is really
coming along just fine.
Yeah, well, Bob will
be here with Cathy
when Alex
back in New Jersey
selling end tables.
Guess what?
I plan to be here
next semester.
Yeah, well, not as student.
Maybe janitor.
You want to make a bet?
Bob hate to take
Alex's girl and money.
Okay, a gentleman's
A bet between friends.
No tell Cathy about bet?
The winner ends up
with Cathy at the end
of the term.
Well, if Alex
study hard, work hard,
maybe Alex win.
Maybe not.
What do you plan to work on
between now and then?
- That's a lot.
- I can do it.
- Maybe.
- Yeah, no maybe.
- Good luck.
- Same to you.
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
Leave me alone.
I have to study now, okay?
( groans )
So, tell Bob,
what does a woman
look for in a man?
( laughs )
I think most women
would like a man
who's kind,
intelligent, strong,
What about
good sense of humor
and excellent
study habits?
Sure, I guess most women
would like that, too.
So what is Cathy making?
It's a house.
For very small people.
Man on radio:
On the Stanley Hoyle show,
we're gonna be looking
into politicians
and their corrupt wives.
So you be sure to tune in
for more nuts and sluts
on the Stanley Hoyle show.
How's it going,
That good, huh?
I don't understand what
the hell is so important
about history.
It's all stuff
that has already happened.
Without understanding
of history,
Alex will not know
where he came from.
Without understanding
of history,
Alex will not profit
from mistakes of the past.
But mainly,
without understanding
of history,
Alex will end up
in schlock furniture
store in New Jersey.
What do you got there?
Oh, vitamins,
diet books,
exercise books,
Where are you getting
all the money for this stuff?
Bob been saving.
Saving for long time.
Bob save money Bob find
in washer/dryer,
in old clothes,
in mattresses,
inside wallets.
Whoa. You must have
thousands of dollars there.
Had to spend some.
Bob gonna try to lose
a little weight.
Firm up.
Tired of wearing clothes
that also fit perfectly
over Xerox machine.
Actually, I think
you're looking pretty good.
Okay, you could
lose a pound or two.
$4 missing.
It must have fell off.
He's a new man
Here we go...
- Ah!
- ( crashes )
( groaning )
He's a new man
He's a new man...
( groans )
He's speed-reading.
- Students: Shh!
- Quiet.
That's it
for today, class.
Thank you.
What a surprise.
I wasn't expecting
to see you here today.
Is there a problem, Bob?
Bob want to learn
how to make good nookie.
Yeah, Bob read all about
nookie in book.
"How To Turn On Women."
I see.
( clears throat )
Have you ever made
nookie before?
- With woman?
- Yes.
With something
other than a woman?
With what, Bob?
Dr. Girard no laugh?
Dr. Girard no--
no, no, I won't
laugh at you, Bob.
once make nookie
with Buick Skylark.
And Dodge Charger.
And campus washer/dryer.
And Hoover vacuum cleaner.
Two speeds.
( imitates vacuum )
I see. Yes.
Well, you know,
I think we ought
to go over--
Dr. Girard want to go
for date with Bob?
Well, I don't
think so, no.
For dinner?
Well, now, Bob,
do you really think
that you're ready
to dine out?
Oh, Bob ready.
Bob ready. Bob show.
I want to talk to you--
all right. All right.
All right.
No, no, it's fair.
Wait here.
Don't go.
Don't go.
Care to sit, honey?
( sniffs )
You smell especially
seductive this evening.
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
Care to dance?
Mood not right.
Wait. Wait.
( growling )
You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss
A sigh
is just a sigh
Dah dah.
- Diane.
- Yes, Bob?
What is French kiss?
Well, it's just sort
of a different kind
of kiss.
How different?
Well, it's a little like
a regular kiss,
only the two people
open their mouths
and they touch tongues.
Oh. Could Bob and Diane
French kiss?
Something wrong
with Bob?
Oh, Bob, no.
All right, Bob.
Let's see now.
Right, just kind of...
Is Diane
having a good time?
Oh, yes, I'm having
a wonderful time.
You think Cathy would
like to French kiss?
Yeah, Bob do all this
for Cathy.
Well, I don't know
if Cathy would like
to French kiss, now, do I?
Maybe you should
ask her yourself.
I have to go now.
- Bob learn poem.
- Yeah?
"There once was a man
from Nantucket--"
I know that one, Bob.
You care for
a plastic of wine?
Therefore if Plato
really believe
that virtue was
its own reward,
why do his books
cost so much, huh?
( class laughs )
Plato's teacher
was a man named--
what, Alex?
A man named what?
- Uh, Plato's
teacher was Socrates.
- That's very good.
I'm sorry, Professor,
to interrupt you like this.
This is something I think
Bob would like to share
with your class.
Bob, I have a surprise
for you here.
- Is it a pony?
- ( class laughs )
- No, it's not
a pony, Bob.
- Oh.
It's a telegram here
and I would like to read
it for you.
Wanted a pony.
Or a hippo.
Dr. Fisk,
how appropriate.
Would you mind reading
this telegram for the class
here, please?
You can start right there
at the top.
Damn it.
"Dr. Richard Webster."
Excuse me.
This is a public
speaking class.
I suppose you would prefer
to have her stand up here.
Would you mind
standing up here
and speaking to the class?
Thank you.
"Dr. Richard Webster.
I have been
following the crap
about the so-called
wild man you found--"
- Can you hear her
back there at all?
- No.
"I have been
following the crap
about the so-called
wild man you found
and how you and your liberal
buddies have miraculously
turned this creep
into a pussycat.
Ha. I would like
to challenge all of you
to appear on
my television show
- if you dare,
you puking liars."
- ( class laughs )
"Signed Stanley Hoyle,
star of
'According to Hoyle.'"
( cheering, whooping )
You're not seriously
gonna appear on this
lowlife's program?
Of course we are.
He'll have them
eating out of his hand.
Why would Bob want to?
Bob, it's gonna give
you the opportunity
to show how
you have developed.
- How you evolved.
- Evolved.
Dr. Fisk, wouldn't you
like the opportunity
to get on television
and apologize
for your original
I don't think so.
But thank you
so much for asking.
Don't worry, Dr. Fisk.
I'll tell the entire world
how you wanted to have
him locked up
and what a wonderful
human being you've been.
Love's the only thing
that keeps you alive
And your feet
on the ground
I could be anything
That you could be
So don't close your eyes
when you look at me...
Turn it down.
( music continues
through headset )
( humming )
Come on.
( clapping )
You're clapping.
You're clapping.
Could you stop?
( whistling )
( whirrs )
( whirring to beat )
Thank you so much.
( music continues )
I could be anything
that you could be
So don't close your eyes
when you look at me
I'm a wild child...
Cathy: So you can
see that the elephant's
skin is very thick,
but it's also
very sensitive.
And elephants
are the largest mammals
on Earth.
Does anyone know
what separates mammals
from other animals?
- Boy: Bad breath.
- ( children laugh )
Cathy: Yeah, but what
all mammals have in common
is warm blood, hair,
and backbones.
Miss Robinson,
could you take over
for a few minutes?
I'll be right back.
- Bob?
- Hi.
( laughs )
I can't believe this.
You look terrific.
New suit.
So I see.
Bob have another
surprise for Cathy.
( laughs )
- So what's the surprise?
- Wait. Wait.
- Come on.
I'm excited.
- Wait.
I don't understand.
Engagement ring.
Oh, Bob.
I can't accept that.
It's okay.
It's all paid for.
Put it on.
Something wrong?
You don't like it?
- No.
- Bob sorry.
Bob don't know much
about rings.
It's not that.
A man usually
gives a ring to a woman
when they're involved
with each other.
I mean, I think
that you're...
so kind and bright.
And you have made
incredible progress.
But I can't marry you.
I have other plans.
I think you're
a very special person.
And I know that
we can always be
really good friends.
But that's all.
I feel so bad.
He proposed to me.
I'll take him home
and I'll call you
tonight, okay?
How you doing?
Come on,
let's go home.
I wish there was
something I could say.
I wish there was
something I could do
to make you feel better.
I wish none of this
ever happened.
( phone ringing )
Mr. Kaminsky,
I'm one of Dr. Webster's
There is a serious
problem with Bob here.
Could you come over
right away, please?
Yeah, I'll be
right there.
I have to go away
for a few minutes.
I'm gonna come
right back, though, okay?
Just take care
of each other,
the two of you.
Love conquers all.
Love is what dreams
are made of.
Love sucks.
( phone ringing )
Now what?
- Yeah?
- Hello, is this Bob?
Who wants to know?
Bob, this is Dr. Fisk.
Cathy's been hurt.
She had an accident.
She hit her head.
She's hurt real bad.
Cathy hurt?
That's right.
She's in her room
at the dorm.
- She needs you.
- Cathy needs me.
- Cathy hurt.
- Bob. Bob.
Cathy hurt.
Cathy hurt!
Hello, operator.
Yes, give me the campus
police, please.
Cathy hurt.
Cathy hurt.
( bikes rattle )
Bob hurt.
Man: Hey, you.
What's going on here?
Bob trying to get
to girls' dorm,
but bicycles
tried to kill him.
- Bye.
- Whoa, whoa, hold it
right there.
Hold what right where?
If you think you're getting
in there, you got another
thing coming.
Could Bob
have other thing later?
Bob have to go now.
This guy's
pulling my leg.
No, no, maybe it was him.
Bob no touch your leg.
Wait a minute.
What kind of idiots
do you take us for?
What are Bob's choices?
That does it.
You're coming with us.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait. Bob sorry.
Bob want to apologize.
- For what?
- For this.
I'd like to report
there's been a break-in
at the girls' dorm.
Here come Bob, Cathy.
I'm glad to help.
- ( alarm ringing )
- ( girls screaming )
Don't scream.
Wrong room.
- Cathy hurt. Cathy hurt.
- What?
- Cathy hurt.
- No, Bob, I'm fine.
- Cathy hurt.
- Put me down.
- I'm fine.
- Cathy not hurt.
- I'm fine. No.
- Cathy not hurt?
- No. No.
- Cathy not hurt.
- Hey, what's
going on in here?
- Bob, what are you doing?
Bob, open the door.
Open the door.
( groans )
- Bob! Bob!
- Cathy.
( girls screaming )
- Bob, everything's
gonna be okay.
- Bob do wrong.
- Don't belong here.
- Bob, don't run.
Bob run away.
No, don't. Stop.
Come on.
Let's call Alex.
- ( bikes rattle )
- Facolaca!
- Bob?
- Bob?
There's got to be
a logical explanation
for all this.
- What exactly happened?
- Well, he just...
Excuse me, Captain.
( distant siren blaring )
Dr. Webster,
I understand your concern.
But my concern is for
the students of this campus.
We've looked everywhere
and we can't find him.
What do we do now?
You alert the Los Angeles
Police Department.
- No.
- We can't do that.
Alex is right.
If the judge finds out
about this,
he'll have Bob put away.
We don't have a choice.
He's out there all alone
wandering around,
no telling what's gonna
happen to him.
Do what you got to do.
I don't know.
Woman on TV:
There is still
no word tonight
on the whereabouts
of the controversial
who escaped from
the university.
He may still be in
the Los Angeles area
and is considered
extremely dangerous.
He reportedly answers
to the name of Bob
Cosponsors of the fugitive
are facing various...
- ( screams )
- ( screams )
( sighs )
Oh, Kaminsky.
I just received
your final grades.
See you around.
Did I come close?
By "see you around,"
I meant you got
your B average.
- What?
- Congratulations.
Why am I not smiling?
( imitates Bob )
I don't know.
- ( barks )
- ( gasps )
( barks )
( barks )
( barks )
( whines )
- ( barks )
- ( barks )
No eat Mooka.
( barks )
Damn it.
( music playing on TV )
( applause )
Hey, guys.
It's the Hoyle show.
In the next hour,
we're going to delve
in deep and, I hope
revealing, detail
into the sordid story of
a hideous, mutated hunchback.
Now this repulsive
and dangerous criminal
goes by the name of--
oh, and please, ladies
and gentlemen,
get this name
and then maybe we should talk
about immigration reform--
Who even now
is stalking the streets
of Los Angeles
in search of his next victim,
which could be you.
So don't you dare move.
I'm Stanley Hoyle.
( audience cheering )
Here this afternoon,
we've got them all for you.
We've got the beauty
that broke his heart.
The opportunistic roommate.
The liberal
college professor.
The well-intentioned
but naive instructor.
The responsible judge.
And, of course,
we're also very fortunate
to have with us
the astute psychiatrist
who tried to warn them all.
But, audience,
did they listen?
- No!
- Did they listen?
Let me ask you,
how would you like
to actually meet
this Bob--
the boogie-woogie,
whatever his name is?
We got him.
- What?
- Here he is.
( audience cheering )
Dr. Fisk, let me ask you.
How does it make you feel
to be the only person
who pegged this dummy
for what he really is?
Yes, I did, didn't I?
But what's most
important, though,
is that this substantiates
my original hypothesis,
which is that
social misfits
should be separated
from society.
They should be isolated.
They really should be...
- Locked up?
- Yeah.
Locked up.
I couldn't agree
with you more.
As a matter of fact,
I think the rest of these
bleeding hearts
are gonna be held
responsible for this maniac
roaming the streets.
Hey, folks,
let me tell you,
I mean, I'm no lawyer,
but from where I stand,
these people
are in big, big trouble.
Friends in big trouble.
Where is this show?
KHB, it's a block left
and about a mile down.
- Right.
- Hey.
- Hey, aren't you the--
- No, I'm not.
( dogs barking )
- What time you got?
- What?
- What time is it?
- 4:25.
- 4:25?
- ( barking )
- KHB Studios.
- Right.
You can close the door
whenever you're ready.
Go, go, go.
Stop licking my neck.
Wasn't me.
It was dog.
That's right,
they did nothing.
- Can I say something?
- What do you think?
Can he say something?
- Audience: No!
- Hey!
Give him a chance.
These dogs will cost
you extra $2 a head.
How much for rest
of their bodies?
We originally
agreed to appear here
so Bob could show
everybody all the things
he accomplished.
Oh, yeah?
Is that why he knocked
out two policemen?
What about that?
Yeah, and he broke
into a girls' dorm, right?
- Driver: You talk funny.
- You talk funny, too.
- Where are you from?
- Transylvania.
That's where
Pittsburgh is.
And what were you doing?
You were running a day care
for muggers.
I was trying to rehabilitate
another human being.
Maybe another human being
from your point of view, pal,
but certainly not from mine.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, I have to say
this is very unkind of you.
- Unkind?
- Yes.
Let me ask you something.
Would you marry him?
- What time you got?
- Quarter of 5:00.
Quarter of--
facolaca! Go, go!
I have signed
the commitment papers
and I have them
right here.
Well, I think that's
very nice, Gramps,
but as far
as I'm concerned, you're
a little slow off the mark.
I think you should
have thrown his big butt
in jail to begin with.
Here is money.
You keep dogs
for Bob, okay?
Sure. With a tip like
this, I'll keep them till
the cows come home.
From where?
Oh, never mind.
Excuse me.
You have a pass?
No, thank you.
Guys, we got a problem.
( alarm ringing )
Stop, you!
Out of the way, fruit.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- Excuse me, carrot.
- He's heading for
the Hoyle show.
Cut him off.
All right, mister.
Slow down there.
This is my show.
Shut up.
Can you believe it?
Anyway, Darwin,
the great evolutionist,
once said that
the only species
that allows its misfits
to reproduce
is man.
Now listen.
It's our responsibility,
it's our duty
to keep these monsters
from poisoning the race.
Am I right, folks?
How about it?
- ( cheering )
- Look!
( audience screaming )
( Bob shouting )
Let me go.
They're looking
up my dress.
- Why you lie to Bob?
- Somebody get me down.
Get a camera
and a mic over there.
Let's let everyone hear
what they're saying.
Why you tell Bob
Cathy hurt?
You were gonna make
a fool of me.
You were gonna ruin
my reputation.
Bob will tell everyone
what you do.
Who do you think the world's
gonna believe, you or me?
( chanting )
Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob!
( chanting continues )
( cheering )
Bob! Bob! Bob!
Nice work.
( cheering )
Bob, you were terrific.
It was all on camera.
You know, Fisk,
if I were Bob,
I'd choke
you unconscious.
( audience cheers )
We're all proud
of you, Bob.
- Bob do good, huh?
- Alex: You did great.
You were wonderful.
- I owe you...
- Yeah. apology.
Well, where is it?
I apologize.
( cheering )
Okay. Bob, you're been
through so darn much lately.
What do you think's
gonna happen to you now?
Don't know.
Well, I think
with a little effort,
we can get you
a scholarship, Bob.
It would be a shame to waste
such a wonderful tongue.
- Mind.
- Mind. What did I say?
- Tongue.
- Oh.
That would be so great.
We could all be
together again.
- Yeah.
- Hoyle: Bob.
If you had to do it
all over again,
would you change anything?
Would you do anything
Do anything different?
Yeah. This.
( gasps )
( humming )
Two speeds.
( music playing )
So in love,
sad as could be
'Cause a pretty face
got the best of me
Suddenly you came
into my life
And gave it meaning
and pure delight
Now good looks
I've learned to do without
'Cause now I know
it's love that really counts
Beauty's only skin-deep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Oh, yeah
Speak your words
warm and sincere
And let me know
that your love is here
A pretty face
you may not possess
But what I like
is your tenderness
A pretty face
may be some guys' taste
But I'll take loving
in its place
Beauty's only skin-deep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Oh, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Oh, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Oh, yeah
My friends ask
what do I see in you
But it goes deeper
than the eye can view
You have a pleasing
And that's an ever loving
rare quality
Show me a girl,
a girl that's fine
And I'll choose the one
with true loving every time
'Cause beauty's
only skin-deep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Oh, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Oh, yeah
So if you're looking
for a lover
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Don't judge a book
by its cover
Oh, yeah
She may be fine
on the outside
Yeah, yeah, yeah
But so untrue
on the inside
Oh, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Oh, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Oh, yeah
Speak your words
warm and sincere
And let me know
that your love is here
A pretty face
you may not possess
But what I like
is your tenderness
A pretty face
may be some guys' taste
But I'll take loving
in its place
Beauty's only skin-deep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Oh, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Oh, yeah
My friends ask
what do I see in you
But it goes deeper
than the eye can view
You have a pleasing
And that's an ever loving
rare quality
Show me a girl,
a girl that's fine
And I'll choose the one
with true loving every time
'Cause beauty's
only skin-deep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Oh, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Oh, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Oh, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Oh, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Beauty's only skin-deep
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.