Big Money Hustlas (2000) Movie Script
1
(silence)
Brothers and sisters.
We gather here today
to mourn the loss of.
Yet another sacrificial lamb,
who was slaughtered out there
in the evil streets of Satan.
The Lord has spoken to me.
And he has said that the key to
your salvation is your money!
To save this city and
your soul from corruption and
dare I say, unholy damnation.
Heed my words and
give freely of your earnings.
Sister Carly, with the all
foreseeing eyes of God upon you,
is there a dollar bill all
of your redemption is worth?
Now is not the time for short
arms and deep pockets brothers
and sisters.
For if you just give
a little of what you have.
That is what you're
gonna get from God.
- I can't believe
Omer, he was my homey.
I loved this fool
like a brother.
Damn, I've never seen it coming.
The worst thing about it was
it was all over some money.
Why's always gotta be about
some bitch ass money?
Should've known.
- You got my money,
mother fucker?
- This is Big Baby Sweets, the
baddest mother fucker ever to
live.
This mother fucker had the
entire city of New York in his
back pocket.
Every illegal way there
is to make cheddar,
you best believe Big Baby Sweets
had something to do with it.
- Yeah, bitch.
You got his motherfucking money.
Don't make me bust
that bitch ass.
- Yeah, bitch.
Don't make me bust
that bitch ass.
- This is Lil' Poot one of
Sweets' right hand little
bitches.
This is his brother Big Stank,
Sweet's other bitch.
Both these motherfuckers came
from the weakest richest
suburbs.
Neither one could hurt
a flea with a shotgun.
But some how, some way,
something went wrong.
And they became ghetto
hard street thugs.
- Look here, youve got 24
mother fucking hours to come up
with my money.
You don't come up with my money,
I'm gonna smoke that ass.
- 24 hours. You don't
come up with his mother
fucking money, I'm
gonna smoke that ass.
- Yeah, bitch.
24 mother fucking hours.
- I promise you Mr. Big Baby,
all I need is just a
little more time.
I'm gonna make everything right.
I promise, I'm gonna get
you all your money.
- Well then what you need to do
right about now is raise the
fuck up out
of here!
And don't come back without
my motha fucking money!
And.
Tell Daddy I said hi.
- Miss Sweets, my momma said to
say, hi and she gonna see you in
church on Sunday.
Now get the fuck out of here and
don't come back without
his mother fucking money.
- That's right,
you need to bring
back his money.
Bring back his money.
Bring back his money.
Bring back his money.
- Shut up.
Look here boys.
Profits is up,
arrests is down and
I think this be a
reason to celebrate.
- Word?
Oh, shit.
- Is that premium
Detroit shit right here?
- This is my sample.
- Here's what we do,
then me then him.
- Yeah, there was some
ruthless motherfuckers.
I knew I could take them but I
didn't know if I could do it
alone.
I didn't know what kind of help
I could expect when I got to the
Big Apple but
I soon found out.
Oh, look at that fucking ass,
get it, get it.
- Oh, that's a fucking ass, oh.
- Pick up Pork, when you're
not stuffing your face,
there's someone here
to see your fat ass.
- Shut your mouth your silly
bitch, who the fuck is it?
- He's a new lieutenant.
They transferred him
here from Frisco.
He said he's supposed to start
work here this afternoon.
- Frisco?
Is that fruity ass Melbourne?
- No.
- It's that ass licker
Jackson isn't it?
- Wrong again, fat ass.
- Come on, you silly
bird who the fuck is it?
- The name is Sugar Bear.
And I'm sweet and
fuzzy like a pear.
Now, I'm supposed to be
starting work here this week.
Looks like you got a little
jelly doughnut shit up on your
cheek.
- So you're Sugar Bear.
As in the Sugar Bear.
- That's my name, and
don't wear it out.
You wanna go ahead and wipe that
nasty jelly shit off your fat
fucking mouth?
- I thought you were dead.
I heard you took on the entire
Frisco cartel single handedly.
I heard you were shot 12 times,
blown to fucking pieces, stabbed
in the balls, ass and face.
Even poison, yet you live to get
the fuckers who did it to you.
I also heard how your plane went
down when you went to capture
that fugitive frick in
the swamplands of Kendoslavia.
You still managed to
get in and get him.
You carried him all the way back
to Frisco on your shoulders,
even though you were
balls naked with nothing but a
little pair of sandals on your
feet.
I also heard you swallowed a
live grenade to save a bunch of
refugees.
I heard too that you fucked--
Fuck what you heard and lay it
to rest.
Big Sugar's here now
in living flesh.
You been needing my help and
needing it nifty.
Cuz shit on your force
is a little bit shifty.
See you got a few pigs here
that don't fly straight.
So they brought Big
Sugar in to regulate.
- Damn straight, Sugar.
My entire force is a hot,
steaming pile of shit.
Can't trust any of
these fucking punks.
Yeah, none of us.
The rookies, the sergeants,
they're all taking payoffs from
Big Baby Sweets and his squeaky
ball pricks.
They got everything.
They got the dope, the hookers,
the piss [INAUDIBLE], the ass
necks, booty tapes, cds, they
got all that shit.
It's like the whole damn city's
at the mercy of Sweets and his
gang.
And the entire force knows it.
- Sounds like your
problems ain't the streets.
Sounds like your problems is
that motherfucker Big Baby.
Sweets.
- That's right
there sugar nuts.
Sweets and his shit faced gang,
they may as well be the
governor, the mayor,
and the God damn police
chief of this city.
- Relax chief, you
hear what I'm saying?
When it comes to the pair,
there will be no delaying.
Now, I'm a little new in this
town, don't know my way around,
but there's at least one good
cop you got that's still down?
- I was afraid you were
going to ask me that, Sugar.
There is one good cop in
this town you can trust.
Thing is, he's a rookie, and I
think the only reason Sweets and
his gang haven't
got up to him is cause he's as
useless as pricks on a fucking
bolt.
Hey, you fat fucking
barrel assed sow.
- Right now.
Are you stuck in that
God damned chair again?
- Get Cox in here.
- Got it, Chief.
You want it in your
ass or in your mouth?
- Get Cox, I said, you fuck.
Officer Harry Cox now.
- Yes sir?
- God dammit, Cox.
I tell you to take that stupid
fucking hat off when you come in
my office, you freak.
Get up you fucker.
Get up, get up.
Get up you fuck.
- Sorry chief, I wasn't
thinking like a true officer of
the law.
- Yeah.
- I was day dreaming about your
yeasty esophagus, chief.
- Get out, get out
that fucking door.
Come in like like a gentleman
without that stupid fucking hat.
- Yes, chief.
Come in.
Hey how are you, cock?
What the hell are you doing out
there, you dopey fuck you.
Come in here.
There's somebody I
want you to meet.
The one, the only Sugar Bear.
You're gonna be showing him
around town for a while.
- Mr. Bear, it's an extreme
pleasure, sir, to make your
acquaintance.
I've heard a lot of great
things about you, sir,
and I look forward to fighting
crime on the streets with you.
- Whoa Jack,
I ain't looking for no partner.
I just want you to show me
around town for starters.
Call me Sugar cause
that be the name or
Parker Brothers cause I'm
on my mother fucking game.
- Now Cox, this is your only,
and I mean only, fucking
responsibility.
I want you show this
man around town.
You show him everything he needs
to know about this fucking city.
Show him uptown, downtown,
sideways, this way, that way.
Clean up the town.
Clean everything up, clean each
other up, I don't give a fuck.
But, I'll tell you something
Cox, don't fuck this up, you
little asshole.
- No, sir.
I always do a good job for you
and your dirty, stinky, crusty,
calamari ring.
Harry Cox is all over this, sir.
Harry Cox.
Mr. Bear, I think the chief
would appreciate it if we took
the standard
Police type cruiser unit.
- Whoa, relax.
I make the rules,
regulations and deals.
Rule number one, we're
taking my wheels.
- Yes Mr. Bear, of course, sir.
But I think maybe since we have
the traditional cruiser here,
that maybe we should think
about, taking it to the chief.
I don't know why the son
of a bitch didn't work.
I must have [UNKNOWN]
her a thousand times.
- You gotta plug it in
next time you stupid fuck.
- Look,
there's a lot of places your
going to need to know about here
in the city.
First, and most important is
right here, The Doughnut Hut.
It's where me and most of my
fellow officers of law spend our
nights,
days whatever.
Can you blame us?
Look over there, french
crullers, cinnamon twirl,
fallopian fruit flippers.
Look at that shit.
Fucking coconut
sprinkled assholes.
Chinese wonder puffs.
- Look cat.
How you planning on cleaning up
these streets when all's you
concerned about
are these God damn eats.
- No, I just meant on our lunch
break and things like that.
While we're fight crime and
doing that stuff.
Ooh!
I saw a donut ghost.
Ooh!
- I'm a donut cyclops.
I've got one eye.
What am I, winking
at you or blinking.
You'll never know.
- Look, I'm a donut
gentleman from London.
Hello there son.
Would you like me to rub a
crumpet all over your bobbly
little bottom.
They ain't gonna do with donuts
in the wee hours of the night.
Oh my goodness, I'm a
donut owl, hoo hoo.
I hope you're not a mouse.
- Yo, everybody freeze
in this mother fucker.
I want some shit.
I'm in an ape suit,
that means I don't give a fuck.
I want a mother donut!
I want a mother bagel,
a mother mango rootbeer float
mother I'll pee in your cap.
Everybody else, wait, come here
mother [UNKNOWN] Put it in the
bag!
Put the money in the bag!
While I'm gettin paid, everybody
sit there and shut the up or
I'll [UNKNOWN] caps like
tomatoes, mother I don't give a
if you [UNKNOWN] ice tea,
you better run your
ass to the market!
Sweet Christmas crumble cake.
- Jake boy, that's one
of Big Baby Sweet's dogs.
How are we gonna
get out of here?
- Lookie here. You can
split if you wanna run, or
you can stay here and watch me
take out this piece of shit bum.
- No.
- Hey, boy.
- Oh shit!
- This could taste a whole lot
better if you ain't getting
riled for your cheddar.
- I was just about to help,
Sugar when suddenly I noticed
this nice little shiny 1972
quarter on the floor.
- What do we do
with this guy here?
- You cook him.
And I'll book him.
Ladies and gentlemen,
accompanied to
the meeting by Big
Stunt and Little Poop,
welcome the notorious
Big Baby Sweets.
- Shut up.
- What's up you all.
As usual, this meeting
is of most importance.
This meeting is about
money, my money.
And if you fuck with my money,
your fucking with your life.
You all understand that?
- Yes, big baby.
- Anybody wanna
fuck with my money?
- No, big baby.
- Man, if anyone of you
all weasel face lives,
is trying to put your claws on
his mother fucking money, I'm
gonna fuck you up.
- Show you right.
One of you mother fuckers
will get straight fucked up.
- Straight.
Now, I hope you all remember
my personal security ninja.
Heck Benjamin watches
over the money.
Whose money mister Big Baby?
My money, mother fucker.
Now, hopefully all you all
bitches are familiar with each
other.
But in case you're not, allow me
to introduce each one of you.
Because after all, you each play
an equal role in this
establishment.
- You all got to bring
Big Baby his money.
Bring big baby his money.
Bring Big Baby, bring Big Baby,
bring Big Baby his money.
- Shut up.
You are the city's
deadliest motherfuckers.
The deadliest con artists,
players, hustlers, pimps, hoes,
suckers.
And that's why you're so
important, because you all
deliver me the cheddar.
Starting with Green Willy,
Green Willy here sells
fake gold stamped 24K.
He sells fake bracelets,
watches, teeth.
Green Willy, being the
man of artificial flavor
provides profits of
outstanding measurements.
- That's right Big
Baby, that's right.
- Yeah, that's right.
You got my money mother fucker?
Now, let's take a
look at his eye.
Now, here's the mother
fucker you've seen on TV,
if you've got one every night
for the past seven years,
Infomercial.
This is a business
man, a shifty,
beady eyed, snaky, evil,
ruthless, heartless,
scandalous son of a bitch
bastard devil himself.
- No, no, perhaps you've
mistaken me for somebody else,
Big Baby.
I work very hard with
the sweat from my brow and
I've come up with
my first product.
This super high
tech fruit juicer.
And anybody here, including you
Big Baby can get half off price.
We can talk later.
I don't give a fuck about what
the producers of this film say.
Would you please put
the number on the screen?
It's area code 734-480-39-
- I don't give a fuck.
What's up on my money
mother fuckoo?
- Here.
Please accept this
personal check of mine.
- Man, fuck that.
He just told you, no mother
fucking checks or money orders
bitch.
- That's right, bitch.
Come correct, son.
- Cash money motherfucker.
- I'm sorry.
I did not mean to
offend you, my friend.
Don't worry, I've brought
plenty of cash for you.
Here you go.
- Now, let's holler at
Miss Fat Titty Kitty.
That titty kitty got some big
luscious bags of silicone.
They glisten in the moon.
They shine in the sun.
They wriggle and
jiggle and bounce and.
No!
Get off me.
- [INAUDIBLE] - Fat Titty
Kitty employs 991 hoes.
Hoes with no toes.
Hoes with afros.
Some of these bitches, I can
tell you all about them bitches.
- [INAUDIBLE]
- Shut up!
You'd be surprised what an old
man will spend when he's got a
fat set of jelly
bags slapping him in
his wrinkled face.
- Or a young one for that son.
- That's right.
Each one of my girls has premium
fat titties, just like these.
- They sure do.
- Yeah, them some titties.
Now you got my money,
you fat fake titty bitch?
Why don't you show us them big
fat titties you fake fat titty
bitch.
- Show you right.
See how I hooked you all up?
I ain't even have to do that.
- So you right.
- Our movie's the shit.
Moving right along
let's holler at rerun.
- Hey, hey.
- Green.
- Let's holler at Bootleg Greg.
This motherfucker bootlegs
everything from Adidas shirts,
motherfucker Master Pee hats,
yeah he got all types of shit.
But we really looking forward to
his line of Poo coming out next
month.
- Yes.
And that spells
P-U-B-O-O, as in-
- Puboo.
- Yeah, I'm looking forward to
one of them sweaters with the
swag p on the back.
- Oh, shit.
- That's right,
that shit is phat.
- That's the bomb right there.
- Shut up.
You got my money motherfucker?
- What the fuck?
- I don't know.
- Oh!
- On his shit.
- Anyway, let's move along to
a personal favorite of mine.
Father Duckett, owns
and operates and
whatever he does to 45
churches across New York.
Amen, sucker.
- Father Ducky, I
believe in you.
- God bless you, my son.
- I believe you gonna give
me my mother fucking money!
Now lastly there's eight boy.
This rowdy,
crazy gorilla motherfucker likes
to make his money the old
fashioned way.
Car jackings.
High jackings.
Jacking jackings.
- Ape in here dog.
- Yo, Lane, look.
- Where is this rowdy gorilla
mother fucker with my mother
fucking money,
mother fucker's?
- I don't know.
Why you tripping?
- You know you ain't suppose
to be late with my money.
- Man, give me that
mother fucking tape.
I was just seeing if it was
my cartoons, man, take it.
- Always grabbing shit.
Put that shit in man.
- See, man, Hat always gotta
answer while y'all mother
fuckers don't know shit.
Man, play that
motherfucker, man.
- While I'm getting paid,
everybody sit there, and shut
the fuck up or
I'm popping caps like bananas,
motherfuckers!
- See, there go eight
boy getting paid.
That's what I'm talk.
- This could taste
a whole lot better.
If you ain't getting
rye for your cheddar.
- Who the fuck is this mother
fucker fucking with my mother
fucking money?
- It's that mother fucker
they call Sugar Bear.
- Man, cut that shit off.
Bitch, who the fuck
is this Sugar Bear?
- He's a cop from Frisco.
He's the baddest
cop on the force.
I heard he took the entire
Frisco cartel on by himself.
I heard that motherfucker
swallowed a hand grenade to save
a bunch of
refugees and shit.
He's one bad motherfucker.
- Now there's an Oscar
waiting to happen.
Bitch, how do you know more so
much about this-
- Now hold on sweets,
I ain't gonna beat too
many more bitches.
- So much talent, such a waste.
- It's a damn lie.
- As I was saying, This mother
fucker's gonna roll into my city
and
arrest one of my men, making
me look like a little bitch?
- He made you look
like a little bitch.
- Yup.
I mean, he made me look
like a little bitch.
- [INAUDIBLE]
- What are we gonna have to do?
Is we have to send
him a message.
- Oh, you right.
Send the poor ass a message.
Yeah.
- We gonna take to the streets.
- Mm-hm.
- And
we gonna let these people
know that we pissed.
- Amen, amen.
- More than that, we gonna let
them know exactly why we pissed.
- Why we pissed?
- Bitch you better recognize
why the fuck we pissed!
Hey, why we pissed dog?
- Because somebody been fucking
with my motherfucking money.
- Hey, girly, come on.
Come on, toots.
Come on, step on it there.
Shake it.
Come on, shake and bake.
Take it all off there.
What you think you
are, [UNKNOWN] girl?
Come on.
Let me see them family
meatballs there.
- Go baby, go baby.
Wow, look at that.
Look at the pair on that.
That pair beats a full house.
Come on, give me a heart attack!
I want one bad.
- Ooh.
- There she was.
At first look she
took my breath away.
I've never seen so much woman.
Sweet, subtle, soft and big.
I had to make her mine.
With a woman like that, there's
enough to last me a lifetime.
Every man's fantasy, every man's
dream girl right before my eyes.
I had to make my move.
- Hey there pretty lady,
the man down at the end of the
bar would like to buy you a
slice.
- Yeah, so, when you was up
there dancing, I was down here
[INAUDIBLE].
And I need to know you luscious
mama, you come here often?
- Yes.
I work here.
- Oh, well, I'm
fresh from Frisco.
You know, new to this city.
But I gotta know,
you tantalizing tenderoni.
You got a name to go
with them titties?
- Of course.
My name is Missy.
- Missy?
We sit around here bullshitting
with all this chit-chat.
We could slide out
to your pad and
you could let me hit that.
What's my name?
What's my name?
- Sugar.
- Yeah.
- Come on
let's go.
- Aah!
- Oh, give it to
me Super Balls,
give it to me!
- Sugar Bear.
Sugar Bear.
Sugar, come in,
this is Harry Cox.
Sugar, come in,
this is Harry Cox.
- Yeah, what man?
- Sugar?
- That's right.
- Sugar, where have you been?
This whole town's gone to hell.
The whole place has been ripped
apart in the last 24 hours.
- Look here brother,
I've been in love.
Now what's this bullshit
you speaking of?
- Remember when we arrested
Eight Boy in the donut house?
Well I think we really pissed
off Big Baby Sweets and his gang
of thugs and freaks.
I think he's sending
us a message.
He's taking it out on the whole
city tearing the place to hell.
- Well there's no need to
stress because a bear's on the
case,
I'm about to get loud
and up in his face.
- You don't want to
mess with this guy.
He's dangerous, he's mean, he's
bad, he steps on dew worms in
the rain man.
- I'm gonna pick those fools
up and take them downtown.
See what they say when
I slap them around.
- What, pick them up?
Take him downtown?
What are you, crazy?
You can't touch these guys.
We don't even have
them on anything.
You've got to get them
on something real.
- Is that right?
Well look here, cocks.
I'm butt bully naked
except for my socks.
I'm going to get on over there
as soon as I put on my drawers.
Never big on sweets
and even the scores.
- No, no, no.
Sugar.
No, no don't do it.
There's got to be a better way.
There's got to be a
more law abiding way.
He's going to do
something horrible.
Sugar!
- Thanks for the nutting and
the titties and all but, got to
go bitch, duty calls.
- You can't do that,
he's going to get you.
You're in trouble.
No, no, no, don't do that!
- I should have told
him I loved him.
I should have cared.
[INAUDIBLE]
Honk if you love sugar!
[UNKNOWN] I'm sorry,
Sugar, I love.
Honk for Sugar.
You over there, honk for
Sugar, you little fucker.
Honk.
Fucking, Sugar.
Give me a chip.
Give me another chip.
- Freeze mother fuckers.
Don't even breathe.
Put your god damned hands
where my eyes can see them.
- I got the baby oil,
who's [INAUDIBLE].
- Motherfucker, shut up.
- [INAUDIBLE]
All I'm saying chief
is I hope Sugar Bear.
He knows what he's doing,
because these guys are very very
very dangerous.
- Well maybe if you weren't
shitting your pants every two
seconds,
you pigeon-faced fuck, you
wouldn't be so goddamn scared
all the time.
- Now wait a minute, Chief.
I do the very best to ensure
the safety of myself.
And my fellow
officers of the law.
And, if that means I have to
approach things with a little
more caution,
then that's what I'm gonna do,
you funny glazed whore.
- Look, you horny
son-of-a-bitch, you never
question Sugar's tactics.
Do you understand me?
You do what you do best.
And, that's play with that
fucking meat-bag of yours.
You got me punk?
Oh, Sugar.
Great job on getting those
dirt-bag bastards down here.
Beautiful job baby.
- Now chief, wait a second,
the law clearly states that we
can't hold these guys for more
an hour.
I mean technically we don't
really have them on anything.
- Woo.
Woo, hoo.
- Wow.
- All right, chief.
I dig you cops.
I know these mother fuckers
are tougher than wax.
I'm a talk to Sweets about
all his riches, and chief,
you question those
other two bitches.
- Yeah, what do you want me
to do, lemon meringue pie ass?
- All right, cop, listen up.
This is big. I want you to
get out, patrol the streets.
You find me the biggest,
fattest ass you can find me and
then you plug it up,
you son of a bitch.
I got work to do
here, you fat fuck.
- The key here man.
I see you got the gold
and all them rings.
Spill it man!
Where you getting
all them things?
- Who me?
Mother fuckers is it
a crime to have some
motherfucking money
in this country,
you bitch ass wack motherfucker.
- What about them
jewels we found?
Them bitches must have been
worth at least a million a
pound.
- Oh, the jewels?
The jewels?
- All right, shut the fuck up.
I know you two
sons of bitches
had something to do with that
supermarket blowing up in
fucking flames last night.
- It was big baby.
We didn't want to
do it, he made us!
- Sure did, man.
[INAUDIBLE] he's gonna
kill us both, man.
- Yup, he'll kill me too.
- Yeah, what about them dead
bodies we found in your yard?
Oh yeah, mother fucker, we
found them up all in your car.
- You found the bodies?
You found the
bodies in the yard?
- And the two of you boys
are just gonna sit here and
deny that you had
anything to do with it.
What about that preschool
drive-by kidnapping spree you
fuckers.
- It was Lil' Poot.
- [UNKNOWN] man, [UNKNOWN] He
said if I don't, he's gonna kill
us both, man.
I was scared as hell, man.
- Damn it.
Here I got these two
fuckers aren't anything.
- I'm gonna break you fool.
Oh, I got you, sucker.
Now tell me where you stashed
that gun at, you punk ass mother
fucker.
- No.
- Sure?
- All right, what
about the fucking dog?
What about that shit?
- Do you know about
the gold tooth?
- Of course, I know
about the gold.
Look at his fucking mouth.
- These ain't real man.
- Who you like better?
New Benny or old Benny?
- Motherfucker.
Where was you in that train car?
Where the fuck was you in that
little cripple kid hospital
[UNKNOWN]
- Mother fucker!
I didn't told you.
You ain't got shit on me.
Shit that is except for
my mother fucking money.
- No more questions, please.
- [INAUDIBLE] back to sleep.
- Big Baby Tweeted if you all
do it I'm gonna kill both of you
all.
[INAUDIBLE]
- Big Baby sweets,
Big Baby sweets shut
the fuck up with that shit.
- We didn't
- Shut the fuck up,
will you stop your crying
you fucking pussies!
Shut up, I can't hear
myself think, god-dammit.
I'm already [INAUDIBLE] you move
an inch in here, I'll come back,
I'll beat your fucking heads
around the room you cock
suckers.
- [INAUDIBLE] lt's
all right Bear.
It's all right.
- [UNKNOWN]
- Hey there, jelly buns.
Were you able to get
anything out of them, or.
- Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Not a god damned fucking thing.
Those little turtle pricks
are tougher than I thought.
- Hey, hey Sugar.
Were you able to make them talk?
- No hands, no clues,
no leads, no trace.
I'm getting sick of all three
of their god damned faces.
- Damn it.
I guess we got no choice but
to let them walk.
God damn it!
- Well, let's hope they
don't wanna retaliate and
get revenge by taking more
innocent community lives.
Who!
Who, come the fuck out!
- What's up?
- You straight.
- I'm straight.
- The reason for
this emergency meeting, you all,
is we didn't quite get
the message clear last time.
Sugar Bear's still out there.
Fucking with my plans!
Fucking with my schemes!
- His motherfucking schemes!
- Fucking with my tactics!
- Your tactics.
- And most of all,
he's fucking with my money!
And we don't play that bullshit.
- Cry, big baby.
- I need you to show
some tender loving.
Show you respect.
- Man, rub his butt.
What I need you all to do is dig
to the bottom of your stomachs
and
pull out the most
wickedest, ruthless,
diabolical shit
you can think of.
- Seriously [INAUDIBLE] kick
they mother fucking ass!
- So which one of you all
is going to do that for me?
Which one of y'all is gonna find
this sugar bear and fuck that
kid up?
Which one of y'all
is gonna come to?
Man, y'all some suckers.
None of y'all?
Nobody, huh?
Well, then, fuck y'all.
- Yo, you right.
Fuck y'all.
- Bottom line is this.
You can take this
mother fucker, and
fuck him in the ass with a
cactus, I wouldn't give a fuck.
- Yeah.
- You can take big
stank's ball bag, and
slap that bitch with a nine
iron, I wouldn't give a fuck.
But when you fuck with my money,
- You get that mother fucker.
- You get [INAUDIBLE]
in your phone.
- You gots to die.
- Woo.
[INAUDIBLE]
[INAUDIBLE]
- Wait wait wait wait.
Let me say a prayer first.
- Go ahead, father.
- Our father, who
art in heaven.
- Boom.
Calm down.
- [INAUDIBLE] - There's
only one thing left to do.
- What's that sir?
What's that?
- We must summon
the magic ninjas.
- Hell yeah.
Magic magic ninjas, what.
- All right y'all,
this is it right here.
All we need to do
is, get off me!
Three kilometers to the left,
two kilometers to the right,
a little bit of Sergio
Valente's over.
Get off me.
There is a two [UNKNOWN],
and one clitoris.
All right, I got you.
Yeah, get ready, son, come on!
- In the house!
Hell yeah.
- Welcome magic
ninja one and two.
You mysterious fucking
ninja mother fuckers.
- [INAUDIBLE] - You have
been summoned for a reason.
We need some of this
kung fu ninjitsu shit.
There's a cop named Sugar Balls
that's been running around the
city fucking up my
business.
Fucking up my plans.
And most of all he been
fucking with my money.
- Hell ya,
he been fucking with our money.
I mean, Big Baby money.
- I would send you two ninjas
out to do what you normally do,
and
that's just kill that
motherfucker, right?
- Yes, Master!
- That sounds about right.
- Not today, motherfucker.
If you kill him the movie's
over, so then I had a plan.
We have to use your 2 BD ninja
brains and we must take them
away.
Think of a plan that will get
Sugar Bear there right where it
hurts cuz I hate
that mother fucker.
- Damn.
That's messy.
That's Suga's girl.
- How you know who
this fat bitch is?
- Been seeing her
at the wing spot.
- Yeah, she fat as hell.
- She is fat.
- Well, ninjas one and
two, it would appear Mr.
Hack Benjamin has come up with
a solution to our problem.
You will kill this fat bitch.
Give her some of
that kung fu shit.
Yeah one of them.
One of them.
And two of them.
Go ahead and leave
that shit out.
- Oh okay.
- That's a nipple?
- Now look!
Once you find this fat bitch and
you eliminate her presence.
The entire city will belong to
Big Baby Sweets and his gang of
thugs.
And once again, we will own
all of Detroit, New York.
Whoop, whoop.
- This city's tough turf was
really starting to get to me.
The ghetto curbs were
starting to bring me down.
These evil streets were rough.
Ain't no one we can trust.
These streets were cold,
ruthless and savage.
I don't know how much more of
this ghetto brutality I could
take.
I felt I needed another break
from this inner city hell.
I needed something.
I needed something.
I needed some ass.
I felt, I felt I needed
a big misses loving.
- Hello.
- Hey there, cellulite
bubble butt.
This the bear calling out.
I'm about to stop by there and
tag your [UNKNOWN] out.
- Okay sugar.
I'll be waiting butterballs.
- Well I'll bring the Faygo and
little Taco Bell and
I'll let you eat a little extra
if you promise not to tell.
- I'll see you soon sugar.
Better take off, Jack.
My boyfriend's on his
way over right now.
- Shit.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hey, hey
hey hey
man.
Hurry up and go before I bust
you in your head with this
goddamn Faygo.
Damn ninjas.
- That was it, I'd lost it.
My battle with Big Baby Sweets
was finally over.
Oh shit man, my battle
against crime was over.
It was time for
me to hang it up.
When I lost Missy,
that's when I lost it all.
I should've listened to
Cox when he warned me.
- No, no, don't do it!
There's gotta be a better way,
there's gotta be a better
law-abiding way!
You're gonna do
something horrible!
- And then again, I should have
listened to the chief when he
warned me, too.
- They got their piss plant.
- No, no, that other shit.
- It's like the whole damn
city's completely at the mercy
of Spritz and
his gang of punks, and
the entire force knows it.
It's like they've all given up.
- I was at the end of my rope,
I should've stayed in Frisco
where I was a hero, here in New
York I'm just a nobody.
Man I don't even deserve
to wear this badge.
Fuck it, I quit.
- Sugar, it's me, the Chief.
- Go away!
- Look, you prick, if you
don't open this fucking door,
I'm gonna kick the
god damn thing down.
I gotta talk to you, Sugar.
The hell?
Look at you, you wacky prick.
What the hell you gone and
done with yourself?
You were once the
mighty Sugar Bear.
Look at this shit.
- Look man, just
leave me alone.
Lost my will to go on, man.
- You hear that?
You see that shit?
You don't even fucking
rhyme anymore.
You're nothing but a dirty,
sorry, crack headed fucking
sorry set of tits.
You once swallowed a live
grenade, you prick you.
And you saved a fucking
bunch of refugees.
- Oh yeah, well I
lied about that.
- What do you mean?
- Well it was more like
a firecracker anyways.
And I never swallowed, I just
stomped it out with my foot.
And there wasn't no
refugees either man.
It was the Fujis.
Fuji.
I used to work the barricade for
their concerts.
- Oh, fuck all that shit.
It doesn't matter.
What about the Frisco cartel?
You took all those fuckers
out single-handedly.
- Yeah, I sure did.
But that was only a video game.
- Look, you scrubby
sonofabitch, snap out of it.
You're the best goddamn
cop to ever walk the beat.
I need you on the force.
Besides, the only other
clean cop I got is
that fucking squeaky bald
little fucking asshole, Cox.
Sweets and
his gang they got him last week.
- Hold on, wait!
Whatd you say about Cox?
- I said hes a
fucking asshole.
- No, no, no.
After that.
- Oh, yeah, Sweets
and his gang.
They got him.
Hes out on his little morning
jog around the fucking park.
Sweets and his gang got him, now
the fucking pricks got himself
held hostage.
- Damn.
- Well, what's with you.
What do you got sweet
feelings for this guy?
I mean, what the hell were you
doing when you were out there?
What, were you feeling up
each other's meat whistles?
What.
- Man, shut the fuck up before
I kick your fat fucking ass.
- Sit down, tough guy.
Relax.
And who the fuck you calling
fat, you fat prick?
Son of a bitch.
But this only proves what
I said was true all along.
- Yeah, and what's that?
- You ain't nothing but a sad,
sorry ass Dolemite wannabe, you
jerky little prick.
You better shape the fuck up.
Get yourself together here, pal.
Tell me about my fat ass.
You wish you had
this fucking ass.
- Get the fuck out of here!
- You know he's right.
You really ain't nothing but
another jive turkey
motherfucker!
Riding on the head of my dick,
trying to imitate the great, and
you're about 20 years too late,
motherfucker.
- Who's that?
Who said that?
- I did.
You business blind,
insecure, bow legged,
cross eyed, pigeon toed,
dilapidated mother fucker.
- Who the fuck are you?
- I can't believe.
I can't believe that you don't
recognize me.
I am the ghost of Dolomite.
- Ghost of Dolomite.
- And I ain't lying either.
- Shit, Dolomite ain't dead.
He lives over in Las Vegas.
Man, what the fuck
you talking about?
- Motherfucker, I know god
damn well I ain't dead.
I don't write the shit,
I'm paid to perform it.
- If you want to know, ask this
motherfucker what's going on.
- Guys, will you please
just stick to the script.
Cut.
- Well that's all good, but
what is the ghost of Dolomite
doing here in my apartment then?
- Man, if you was hanging onto
my dick any harder you'd be my
nutsack.
Suck.
You know, I don't mind you doing
my shift, but baby, you gotta do
it right.
Like [UNKNOWN], you
know what I'm saying?
The way you doing it,
you making me look like an ass.
- Hey, man, you don't know what
I've been through with big baby
sweets and his gang.
- And frankly speaking,
I couldn't give a good god damn.
You?
There's a million juggalos
watching this shit and
I know they don't like you doing
my shit and copping out like a
bitch.
If you don't get
the shit together,
I'm gonna put my foot up
your ass, mother fucker.
- Right, Dolemite.
Shit, there's millions of kids
out there watching this, man.
What about the kids?
- Damn the kids, brother.
What about all them fine bitches
just watching your shit?
I know you got a lot of
bitches jammin to your shit.
All right, fella.
All right, fellas.
Get yourself together and
give the bitches some.
Give them what they want.
Give them what they want.
Give the bitches more
than what they want.
Give it to them.
- You're right.
I'm gonna stand up and be man.
That's right.
I'm gonna go rescue officer Cox
and get big baby sweets and
his gang at the same time.
Dolomite, listen.
Now I'll be honest.
If you help lead me in my
crusade against crime, and
help me take these dirty
motherfuckers out.
What about it, man?
Will you do it?
- Hell no.
Not for free.
You're going to have to pay me.
This ain't exactly no
Star Wars motherfucker.
But if you can afford me.
We can get it on, but
it won't be easy.
Tomorrow I will help you on your
comeback as the bad, bad, bad,
bad sugar bear.
Can you dig it?
Put some weight on it.
Put some weight on it.
Put some weight on it.
Right there, right
there, right there.
Shit, man, you ain't doing shit.
Raise that thing higher, up
higher, put your weight on it,
put your weight on it.
Darn your soul, if you raise
that mother fucker higher,
you even may get
a doughnut hole.
Can you dig?
Pretty, good bear,
but I want you to
listen and watch me.
I'm going to show you how to
whoop a motherfucker's ass.
First thing you gotta do you got
to hypnotize that motherfucker.
Use a snake on that
son of a bitch.
Do like me, Dolemite.
Dolemite is my name and fucking
up motherfuckers is my game.
Now watch.
- That's what I'm
talking about.
Yeah.
Give me that shit.
- Listen up, Sugar.
Cops is being held here.
Somewhere in the eastern
section of this warehouse.
The place is crawling
with Sweets' men.
Now we're gonna be somewhere
outside over here in this area,
but as soon as you give the
word, we're busting in.
Now, luckily the budget for
this movie's almost out, so
you don't have to worry about
all the big Hollywood bullshit,
all the explosions,
the fire bombs, all
that crap, all right?
None the less, it's a dangerous
mission and I want you to watch
your ass.
Look here Chief,
you can spare me all this grief.
I'm going in there strictly to
knock out some mother fucking
teeth.
If Cox is in here, I'm
sure I'll find him.
- Oh yeah, shit in his pants
and a puddle of piss behind him.
All right, never mind that shit,
there's somebody I want you to
meet.
- Officer Bayer.
Very good to meet you.
- Just call me Sugar,
cuz I'm sweet to the end.
What's shaking my
beard faced friend?
- Sugar, this is Dr. Dinglenut.
He's our weapons
invention specialist.
He's been following you around
in various disguises studying
your strengths and
weaknesses.
He's got some really wacky shit
here he wants you to take a look
at far out stuff.
- Sugar.
I'm going to show you a gun.
This is a very special gun.
This is the ninja detector gun.
When you arrive
at the warehouse,
we are quite sure that both of
those magic ninjas will indeed
be on the premises.
We were able to find some hair
samples of theirs at the crime
scene in Missy's
apartment.
And those we've
combined with a special
bullet guidance system which
I developed here at the lab.
When you pull the trigger the
first time, the first bullet
will fly out.
Wherever the magic ninja is
within the warehouse, it will
destroy him.
When you pull the trigger a
second time, the second bullet
will fly out and
destroy the second magic ninja,
thus we call this The Ninja
Detector Gun.
Your next stop, [UNKNOWN], is
going to be the man that they
call Hack Benjamin.
We have been studying this
Benjamin character for many
years now.
We have finally determined that
he does have one weakness, and
that is his ears.
Thus, I have developed for
you this weapon.
The man is completely deaf.
He cannot hear a sound.
When you blow on the whistle, it
will send the sound waves from
the whistle
directly through his inner ear
canal and into his brain.
If he does not immediately flee
the scene, he will be destroyed.
- Is that it Doc?
I'm on the clock.
- The final obstacle or
perhaps I should say obstacles.
Are those two sensitive thugs,
Big Stank and Little Pooh.
- Two little pussies.
- Once you have reached the
compound and have spotted them,
simply aim this device and
press this red button.
- All right.
Tell them what the fuck it
does you nutty looking prick.
- It will trigger a robotic
mechanism that will remove the
two suburban hoodlums
from your life.
We have no time now to
explain how it works.
Simply trust me, it
will do the job.
- With or without all this high
tech stuff, I'm going there to
fight and
I'm gonna bring
it to them rough.
- Don't forget to bring back
that little needle dick prick
Cox with you.
- All right, get Dolomite.
Let's go.
I'm gonna smoke
that Big Baby ho.
What?
- Forget about Dolomite.
The budget on the flick
ran out for Dolomite.
He took off running.
What you think he's gonna
do this shit for free?
Looks like you're on
your own on this one pal.
Sorry, buddy.
- Good luck, Sugar Bear.
Remember, it all rides on you.
- I know you can do it.
- Magic man.
We both know the game.
Wait a minute.
- She all about
hip-hop every day.
- Seven's my point, bitch.
Seven ain't no point,
that's some crap asshole.
- Man, shut up.
- They used to call you
asshole, now they call you fat
yo!
- That's my dollar
though right there.
Then you roll, bitch.
Give me the money and you roll.
- You ain't shit.
- Man give me my shit.
- Oh.
- Easy.
- Now what the fuck was that?
- Hey yo Smack.
- What's up?
- What the fuck was that?
- Oh, that was me killing
your homies mind brain.
Remember me you sap
ass mother fuckers?
Sugar Bear's the name.
I come for Cox and
to take you all to jail.
Shut down your game?
- Fuck you.
- Might as well.
- Oh, sugar.
I knew you'd come for me.
- Shut up, fool.
- Man, fuck that.
You ain't got shit on me.
- You ain't got shit, sucker!
- Hell no.
- It's true, you're right,
I ain't got nothing.
But let's see what happens
when I push on this button.
- Elliot Thornton Longwood.
Spaulden Thirsten Longwood?
- What is the meaning of this?
Hanging around this riff raff
when you should be home mowing
the lawn.
I knew you were up to something.
When Mr. Perkins called and
said, you both missed your
violin lesson.
Do you have any idea how long
we've been looking for you
today?
And you know it's family fun
night at the roller rink.
- Spalding, what is
that in your mouth?
- His gold tooth.
- Is this what you've been
saving your allowance for?
You said, you were waiting
to buy a microscope!
What have we done wrong?
- I don't know but I know this,
it ends here, it ends now.
Misters, you are grounded.
- Don't desert.
- [INAUDIBLE]
- Hey, great job Sugar.
You're one hell of a good cop
I'll say that right fricking now
sunshine.
- Get off my dick,
I still gotta get Sweets.
I'd take you with me but
you're too fucking weak.
- Hey wait a minute, maybe I
can help you take Big Baby
Sweets and his gang out.
I know I act like a little baby
bitch butterfly sometimes.
But I don't mean to be a feeble
little scared guy who's afraid
of guns and.
I know you've saved my
life a million times, and
I'm just not really what
a real cop is all about, am I?
But I gotta be good
for something.
Take your shirt off.
Let me rub your shoulders like a
Norwegian bath house attendant.
Come on, let me get in there.
- Man, the chief was right.
You a bitch.
Man, get up and go.
Little bitch.
- Just a couple of tattoos.
- I've been waiting for you.
All you had to do was let me be.
Just leave me and
my mother-fucking money alone.
But you couldn't do it.
You had to come and
fuck with my money.
But now you gotta die for it.
Get your bitch ass
ready to battle.
The man that will teach you to
never ever fuck with my
motherfucking money!
Meet your doom.
Prepare to have your ass
ripped in half by Cactus Sack.
- [INAUDIBLE] I'm
gonna tear you up
because your ass is grass and
Cactus Sack got the [UNKNOWN].
No, that's too cliche.
But you will be mine.
Mine.
All mine.
[INAUDIBLE]
Have a nice day.
[INAUDIBLE] That's
not my line anymore.
[INAUDIBLE] Oh,
here's one more for you, sugar!
I'm not through with you yet.
Take that.
[INAUDIBLE]
Oh.
Have mercy!
God damn it, that's
not it either.
Come on.
Oh yeah.
Let's see what Mr.
Socko has to say about this.
What the fuck is this thing?
Come on.
Oh.
- Bang bang.
That's the line.
Bang bang.
Bang bang.
Bang bang.
Bang bang.
Did somebody order
a steak out there?
You got a steak and
I asked [INAUDIBLE]
[INAUDIBLE]
please.
This is going to hurt.
Would you like some
squash with that steak?
Bang bang!
A stake through the heart.
That's the second
time this week.
- That was good.
But you can definitely
tell this is a movie.
Cuz had it been real life,
he fucked you up.
None the less, that was,
that was very impressive.
Now you've been down a
long road, Sugar Bear.
Sugar Bear.
Who the fuck keeps playing that
music every time I say Sugar
Bear?
- That'd be me.
- Who the fuck are you.
- Mike Clark.
Mikey Clark.
I produce you music.
- Oh Mike, you pro.
As I was saying sugar bear,
[UNKNOWN] bear, [UNKNOWN] bear.
As I was saying, Sugar Bear,
you've come down a long way,
but you've reached your
mother fucking dead end,
because you should have
known one thing all along.
- Oh yeah, man?
And what's that?
- What's that?
That is nothing,
nothing comes between me and
my mother fucking money.
Who's playing?
Stop playing.
Stop playing.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go ahead and.
- Sorry I'm late.
But I told you I'd make
everything right, you broke
bitch ass mother fucker.
- Well Sugar Bear.
You did it.
I don't know how the fuck you
pulled it off, but you did it.
You are one hell of a super cop,
you French tickling son
of a fucking whore's ass.
- Yes my friend, I wish that
the entire police force could
learn
from the fire that burns
within your heart.
- Oh yeah. The city's
back and it's all good.
Hold on one second,
if you could.
- No wait a minute,
wait a minute.
- Joker, you're not,
before they drop this
cat in his casket,
let's reveal the
dirty rat bastard.
Gee, I don't fucking believe it.
- Why, why this is quite
clearly impossible.
It was that dirty little cock
sucking little prick Cox the
whole fucking time.
I don't believe it.
I could punch that fucking.
Sugar, that means
that the whole time,
you're the only clean cop
in the goddamned city.
Christ.
- Who would have ever guessed,
my homie, my lope,
my dog, - Harry Cox was
nothing more than a two
bit mafia drug lord robbing his
own city of everything it's got.
- And that brings us to the end
of the sermon, brothers and
sisters.
If you have no holy cash on
hand, then unemployment checks,
food stamps,
or credit cards are all ordained
of God, brothers and sisters.
- What was his motive?
I'll give you his motive.
Money.
It was all over some
bitch ass money.
Big Baby Cox was nothing more
than a big money hustler.
- So, it's like, according to
Isaiah and shit, you know what
I'm saying?
A star came from like,
Nazareth, which ain't
too far from like right around
the corner from like Little Mo's
Hot Wings and shit.
And it's like it brought the
Holy Ghost to like congregation
and shit, you know what
I'm saying, and it conclusioned
to that, you know what I mean?
- Just like we,
hurry up in this bitch, y'all.
- And we ain't playing neither.
It's like Judas Priest
up in this bitch, yo.
- You know what I'm saying?
We here to preach
to you all sinners.
- You staring at me, bro?
- That need to get you all
shit together, you know?
- You got something to say?
- If they had of nailed me
to a cross, I'd of been like,
just wait till I get down,
I'm a fuck me somebody up.
You know what I'm saying?
- Sure, you're right.
Sure, you're right.
- So what we like to do right
here right now at this time
is pay homage to
the motherfucking messiah.
- The savior.
- The king of
motherfucking paper.
- The one.
The only.
- Big Baby Sweets.
- The wicked clowns will
never die, mother fucker.
- Whew.
Oh my God.
- Die motherfucker die!
- Yeah, bitch.
- Aah!
- Yeah.
Yeah.
[INAUDIBLE]
- Run motherfucker.
- Back motherfucker.
Fucker.
- What am I on TV?
[INAUDIBLE] Years ago I
used to sing and dance.
Aah!
Won't you be my melancholy baby?
- Bambino
sweets.
Big baby sweets.
- I'll be happy to eat.
- Man, y'all silly suckers
smell like shrimp butt.
- These goggles lets you to see
through an ultraviolet spectrum.
You can then go ahead and take
the worm out of the ground just
like the chicken do
before the chicken pluck it,
though if you are a sick
bastard, you can eat the worm.
The choice is 100% yours.
- Hello.
Back in the old days I used to
- Chief,
I want you to know that I do
things to the best ability of
myself and
my sister's cock.
- Well, what do you want
me to do, Cluster Crack?
And what do you want me to do,
Lasagna Ass?
Well, what do you want me to do?
Thunder fingers?
- All right, Cox.
Listen to me, this is big.
This is huge.
I want you to get out there,
patrol the streets, find me the
biggest,
fattest ass you can find, and
go plug it, you son of a bitch.
I got shit to do here,
you fat bastard.
Our movie's the shit.
- So your ass.
- Cut
- The magic ninjas
- Hell yeah
Go ninja go.
Go ninja go
- Oh, oh.
Right!
- Take your shirt off, maybe I
could oil you up with some
virgin olive oil and
rub your shoulders like a
Norwegian, Swedish, whale
skinner.
- What did you say
mother fucker?
- Cut, cut, fire!
Good luck, Sugar Bear.
- That's it?
Where my Oscar?
Ooh, woo!
(silence)
Brothers and sisters.
We gather here today
to mourn the loss of.
Yet another sacrificial lamb,
who was slaughtered out there
in the evil streets of Satan.
The Lord has spoken to me.
And he has said that the key to
your salvation is your money!
To save this city and
your soul from corruption and
dare I say, unholy damnation.
Heed my words and
give freely of your earnings.
Sister Carly, with the all
foreseeing eyes of God upon you,
is there a dollar bill all
of your redemption is worth?
Now is not the time for short
arms and deep pockets brothers
and sisters.
For if you just give
a little of what you have.
That is what you're
gonna get from God.
- I can't believe
Omer, he was my homey.
I loved this fool
like a brother.
Damn, I've never seen it coming.
The worst thing about it was
it was all over some money.
Why's always gotta be about
some bitch ass money?
Should've known.
- You got my money,
mother fucker?
- This is Big Baby Sweets, the
baddest mother fucker ever to
live.
This mother fucker had the
entire city of New York in his
back pocket.
Every illegal way there
is to make cheddar,
you best believe Big Baby Sweets
had something to do with it.
- Yeah, bitch.
You got his motherfucking money.
Don't make me bust
that bitch ass.
- Yeah, bitch.
Don't make me bust
that bitch ass.
- This is Lil' Poot one of
Sweets' right hand little
bitches.
This is his brother Big Stank,
Sweet's other bitch.
Both these motherfuckers came
from the weakest richest
suburbs.
Neither one could hurt
a flea with a shotgun.
But some how, some way,
something went wrong.
And they became ghetto
hard street thugs.
- Look here, youve got 24
mother fucking hours to come up
with my money.
You don't come up with my money,
I'm gonna smoke that ass.
- 24 hours. You don't
come up with his mother
fucking money, I'm
gonna smoke that ass.
- Yeah, bitch.
24 mother fucking hours.
- I promise you Mr. Big Baby,
all I need is just a
little more time.
I'm gonna make everything right.
I promise, I'm gonna get
you all your money.
- Well then what you need to do
right about now is raise the
fuck up out
of here!
And don't come back without
my motha fucking money!
And.
Tell Daddy I said hi.
- Miss Sweets, my momma said to
say, hi and she gonna see you in
church on Sunday.
Now get the fuck out of here and
don't come back without
his mother fucking money.
- That's right,
you need to bring
back his money.
Bring back his money.
Bring back his money.
Bring back his money.
- Shut up.
Look here boys.
Profits is up,
arrests is down and
I think this be a
reason to celebrate.
- Word?
Oh, shit.
- Is that premium
Detroit shit right here?
- This is my sample.
- Here's what we do,
then me then him.
- Yeah, there was some
ruthless motherfuckers.
I knew I could take them but I
didn't know if I could do it
alone.
I didn't know what kind of help
I could expect when I got to the
Big Apple but
I soon found out.
Oh, look at that fucking ass,
get it, get it.
- Oh, that's a fucking ass, oh.
- Pick up Pork, when you're
not stuffing your face,
there's someone here
to see your fat ass.
- Shut your mouth your silly
bitch, who the fuck is it?
- He's a new lieutenant.
They transferred him
here from Frisco.
He said he's supposed to start
work here this afternoon.
- Frisco?
Is that fruity ass Melbourne?
- No.
- It's that ass licker
Jackson isn't it?
- Wrong again, fat ass.
- Come on, you silly
bird who the fuck is it?
- The name is Sugar Bear.
And I'm sweet and
fuzzy like a pear.
Now, I'm supposed to be
starting work here this week.
Looks like you got a little
jelly doughnut shit up on your
cheek.
- So you're Sugar Bear.
As in the Sugar Bear.
- That's my name, and
don't wear it out.
You wanna go ahead and wipe that
nasty jelly shit off your fat
fucking mouth?
- I thought you were dead.
I heard you took on the entire
Frisco cartel single handedly.
I heard you were shot 12 times,
blown to fucking pieces, stabbed
in the balls, ass and face.
Even poison, yet you live to get
the fuckers who did it to you.
I also heard how your plane went
down when you went to capture
that fugitive frick in
the swamplands of Kendoslavia.
You still managed to
get in and get him.
You carried him all the way back
to Frisco on your shoulders,
even though you were
balls naked with nothing but a
little pair of sandals on your
feet.
I also heard you swallowed a
live grenade to save a bunch of
refugees.
I heard too that you fucked--
Fuck what you heard and lay it
to rest.
Big Sugar's here now
in living flesh.
You been needing my help and
needing it nifty.
Cuz shit on your force
is a little bit shifty.
See you got a few pigs here
that don't fly straight.
So they brought Big
Sugar in to regulate.
- Damn straight, Sugar.
My entire force is a hot,
steaming pile of shit.
Can't trust any of
these fucking punks.
Yeah, none of us.
The rookies, the sergeants,
they're all taking payoffs from
Big Baby Sweets and his squeaky
ball pricks.
They got everything.
They got the dope, the hookers,
the piss [INAUDIBLE], the ass
necks, booty tapes, cds, they
got all that shit.
It's like the whole damn city's
at the mercy of Sweets and his
gang.
And the entire force knows it.
- Sounds like your
problems ain't the streets.
Sounds like your problems is
that motherfucker Big Baby.
Sweets.
- That's right
there sugar nuts.
Sweets and his shit faced gang,
they may as well be the
governor, the mayor,
and the God damn police
chief of this city.
- Relax chief, you
hear what I'm saying?
When it comes to the pair,
there will be no delaying.
Now, I'm a little new in this
town, don't know my way around,
but there's at least one good
cop you got that's still down?
- I was afraid you were
going to ask me that, Sugar.
There is one good cop in
this town you can trust.
Thing is, he's a rookie, and I
think the only reason Sweets and
his gang haven't
got up to him is cause he's as
useless as pricks on a fucking
bolt.
Hey, you fat fucking
barrel assed sow.
- Right now.
Are you stuck in that
God damned chair again?
- Get Cox in here.
- Got it, Chief.
You want it in your
ass or in your mouth?
- Get Cox, I said, you fuck.
Officer Harry Cox now.
- Yes sir?
- God dammit, Cox.
I tell you to take that stupid
fucking hat off when you come in
my office, you freak.
Get up you fucker.
Get up, get up.
Get up you fuck.
- Sorry chief, I wasn't
thinking like a true officer of
the law.
- Yeah.
- I was day dreaming about your
yeasty esophagus, chief.
- Get out, get out
that fucking door.
Come in like like a gentleman
without that stupid fucking hat.
- Yes, chief.
Come in.
Hey how are you, cock?
What the hell are you doing out
there, you dopey fuck you.
Come in here.
There's somebody I
want you to meet.
The one, the only Sugar Bear.
You're gonna be showing him
around town for a while.
- Mr. Bear, it's an extreme
pleasure, sir, to make your
acquaintance.
I've heard a lot of great
things about you, sir,
and I look forward to fighting
crime on the streets with you.
- Whoa Jack,
I ain't looking for no partner.
I just want you to show me
around town for starters.
Call me Sugar cause
that be the name or
Parker Brothers cause I'm
on my mother fucking game.
- Now Cox, this is your only,
and I mean only, fucking
responsibility.
I want you show this
man around town.
You show him everything he needs
to know about this fucking city.
Show him uptown, downtown,
sideways, this way, that way.
Clean up the town.
Clean everything up, clean each
other up, I don't give a fuck.
But, I'll tell you something
Cox, don't fuck this up, you
little asshole.
- No, sir.
I always do a good job for you
and your dirty, stinky, crusty,
calamari ring.
Harry Cox is all over this, sir.
Harry Cox.
Mr. Bear, I think the chief
would appreciate it if we took
the standard
Police type cruiser unit.
- Whoa, relax.
I make the rules,
regulations and deals.
Rule number one, we're
taking my wheels.
- Yes Mr. Bear, of course, sir.
But I think maybe since we have
the traditional cruiser here,
that maybe we should think
about, taking it to the chief.
I don't know why the son
of a bitch didn't work.
I must have [UNKNOWN]
her a thousand times.
- You gotta plug it in
next time you stupid fuck.
- Look,
there's a lot of places your
going to need to know about here
in the city.
First, and most important is
right here, The Doughnut Hut.
It's where me and most of my
fellow officers of law spend our
nights,
days whatever.
Can you blame us?
Look over there, french
crullers, cinnamon twirl,
fallopian fruit flippers.
Look at that shit.
Fucking coconut
sprinkled assholes.
Chinese wonder puffs.
- Look cat.
How you planning on cleaning up
these streets when all's you
concerned about
are these God damn eats.
- No, I just meant on our lunch
break and things like that.
While we're fight crime and
doing that stuff.
Ooh!
I saw a donut ghost.
Ooh!
- I'm a donut cyclops.
I've got one eye.
What am I, winking
at you or blinking.
You'll never know.
- Look, I'm a donut
gentleman from London.
Hello there son.
Would you like me to rub a
crumpet all over your bobbly
little bottom.
They ain't gonna do with donuts
in the wee hours of the night.
Oh my goodness, I'm a
donut owl, hoo hoo.
I hope you're not a mouse.
- Yo, everybody freeze
in this mother fucker.
I want some shit.
I'm in an ape suit,
that means I don't give a fuck.
I want a mother donut!
I want a mother bagel,
a mother mango rootbeer float
mother I'll pee in your cap.
Everybody else, wait, come here
mother [UNKNOWN] Put it in the
bag!
Put the money in the bag!
While I'm gettin paid, everybody
sit there and shut the up or
I'll [UNKNOWN] caps like
tomatoes, mother I don't give a
if you [UNKNOWN] ice tea,
you better run your
ass to the market!
Sweet Christmas crumble cake.
- Jake boy, that's one
of Big Baby Sweet's dogs.
How are we gonna
get out of here?
- Lookie here. You can
split if you wanna run, or
you can stay here and watch me
take out this piece of shit bum.
- No.
- Hey, boy.
- Oh shit!
- This could taste a whole lot
better if you ain't getting
riled for your cheddar.
- I was just about to help,
Sugar when suddenly I noticed
this nice little shiny 1972
quarter on the floor.
- What do we do
with this guy here?
- You cook him.
And I'll book him.
Ladies and gentlemen,
accompanied to
the meeting by Big
Stunt and Little Poop,
welcome the notorious
Big Baby Sweets.
- Shut up.
- What's up you all.
As usual, this meeting
is of most importance.
This meeting is about
money, my money.
And if you fuck with my money,
your fucking with your life.
You all understand that?
- Yes, big baby.
- Anybody wanna
fuck with my money?
- No, big baby.
- Man, if anyone of you
all weasel face lives,
is trying to put your claws on
his mother fucking money, I'm
gonna fuck you up.
- Show you right.
One of you mother fuckers
will get straight fucked up.
- Straight.
Now, I hope you all remember
my personal security ninja.
Heck Benjamin watches
over the money.
Whose money mister Big Baby?
My money, mother fucker.
Now, hopefully all you all
bitches are familiar with each
other.
But in case you're not, allow me
to introduce each one of you.
Because after all, you each play
an equal role in this
establishment.
- You all got to bring
Big Baby his money.
Bring big baby his money.
Bring Big Baby, bring Big Baby,
bring Big Baby his money.
- Shut up.
You are the city's
deadliest motherfuckers.
The deadliest con artists,
players, hustlers, pimps, hoes,
suckers.
And that's why you're so
important, because you all
deliver me the cheddar.
Starting with Green Willy,
Green Willy here sells
fake gold stamped 24K.
He sells fake bracelets,
watches, teeth.
Green Willy, being the
man of artificial flavor
provides profits of
outstanding measurements.
- That's right Big
Baby, that's right.
- Yeah, that's right.
You got my money mother fucker?
Now, let's take a
look at his eye.
Now, here's the mother
fucker you've seen on TV,
if you've got one every night
for the past seven years,
Infomercial.
This is a business
man, a shifty,
beady eyed, snaky, evil,
ruthless, heartless,
scandalous son of a bitch
bastard devil himself.
- No, no, perhaps you've
mistaken me for somebody else,
Big Baby.
I work very hard with
the sweat from my brow and
I've come up with
my first product.
This super high
tech fruit juicer.
And anybody here, including you
Big Baby can get half off price.
We can talk later.
I don't give a fuck about what
the producers of this film say.
Would you please put
the number on the screen?
It's area code 734-480-39-
- I don't give a fuck.
What's up on my money
mother fuckoo?
- Here.
Please accept this
personal check of mine.
- Man, fuck that.
He just told you, no mother
fucking checks or money orders
bitch.
- That's right, bitch.
Come correct, son.
- Cash money motherfucker.
- I'm sorry.
I did not mean to
offend you, my friend.
Don't worry, I've brought
plenty of cash for you.
Here you go.
- Now, let's holler at
Miss Fat Titty Kitty.
That titty kitty got some big
luscious bags of silicone.
They glisten in the moon.
They shine in the sun.
They wriggle and
jiggle and bounce and.
No!
Get off me.
- [INAUDIBLE] - Fat Titty
Kitty employs 991 hoes.
Hoes with no toes.
Hoes with afros.
Some of these bitches, I can
tell you all about them bitches.
- [INAUDIBLE]
- Shut up!
You'd be surprised what an old
man will spend when he's got a
fat set of jelly
bags slapping him in
his wrinkled face.
- Or a young one for that son.
- That's right.
Each one of my girls has premium
fat titties, just like these.
- They sure do.
- Yeah, them some titties.
Now you got my money,
you fat fake titty bitch?
Why don't you show us them big
fat titties you fake fat titty
bitch.
- Show you right.
See how I hooked you all up?
I ain't even have to do that.
- So you right.
- Our movie's the shit.
Moving right along
let's holler at rerun.
- Hey, hey.
- Green.
- Let's holler at Bootleg Greg.
This motherfucker bootlegs
everything from Adidas shirts,
motherfucker Master Pee hats,
yeah he got all types of shit.
But we really looking forward to
his line of Poo coming out next
month.
- Yes.
And that spells
P-U-B-O-O, as in-
- Puboo.
- Yeah, I'm looking forward to
one of them sweaters with the
swag p on the back.
- Oh, shit.
- That's right,
that shit is phat.
- That's the bomb right there.
- Shut up.
You got my money motherfucker?
- What the fuck?
- I don't know.
- Oh!
- On his shit.
- Anyway, let's move along to
a personal favorite of mine.
Father Duckett, owns
and operates and
whatever he does to 45
churches across New York.
Amen, sucker.
- Father Ducky, I
believe in you.
- God bless you, my son.
- I believe you gonna give
me my mother fucking money!
Now lastly there's eight boy.
This rowdy,
crazy gorilla motherfucker likes
to make his money the old
fashioned way.
Car jackings.
High jackings.
Jacking jackings.
- Ape in here dog.
- Yo, Lane, look.
- Where is this rowdy gorilla
mother fucker with my mother
fucking money,
mother fucker's?
- I don't know.
Why you tripping?
- You know you ain't suppose
to be late with my money.
- Man, give me that
mother fucking tape.
I was just seeing if it was
my cartoons, man, take it.
- Always grabbing shit.
Put that shit in man.
- See, man, Hat always gotta
answer while y'all mother
fuckers don't know shit.
Man, play that
motherfucker, man.
- While I'm getting paid,
everybody sit there, and shut
the fuck up or
I'm popping caps like bananas,
motherfuckers!
- See, there go eight
boy getting paid.
That's what I'm talk.
- This could taste
a whole lot better.
If you ain't getting
rye for your cheddar.
- Who the fuck is this mother
fucker fucking with my mother
fucking money?
- It's that mother fucker
they call Sugar Bear.
- Man, cut that shit off.
Bitch, who the fuck
is this Sugar Bear?
- He's a cop from Frisco.
He's the baddest
cop on the force.
I heard he took the entire
Frisco cartel on by himself.
I heard that motherfucker
swallowed a hand grenade to save
a bunch of
refugees and shit.
He's one bad motherfucker.
- Now there's an Oscar
waiting to happen.
Bitch, how do you know more so
much about this-
- Now hold on sweets,
I ain't gonna beat too
many more bitches.
- So much talent, such a waste.
- It's a damn lie.
- As I was saying, This mother
fucker's gonna roll into my city
and
arrest one of my men, making
me look like a little bitch?
- He made you look
like a little bitch.
- Yup.
I mean, he made me look
like a little bitch.
- [INAUDIBLE]
- What are we gonna have to do?
Is we have to send
him a message.
- Oh, you right.
Send the poor ass a message.
Yeah.
- We gonna take to the streets.
- Mm-hm.
- And
we gonna let these people
know that we pissed.
- Amen, amen.
- More than that, we gonna let
them know exactly why we pissed.
- Why we pissed?
- Bitch you better recognize
why the fuck we pissed!
Hey, why we pissed dog?
- Because somebody been fucking
with my motherfucking money.
- Hey, girly, come on.
Come on, toots.
Come on, step on it there.
Shake it.
Come on, shake and bake.
Take it all off there.
What you think you
are, [UNKNOWN] girl?
Come on.
Let me see them family
meatballs there.
- Go baby, go baby.
Wow, look at that.
Look at the pair on that.
That pair beats a full house.
Come on, give me a heart attack!
I want one bad.
- Ooh.
- There she was.
At first look she
took my breath away.
I've never seen so much woman.
Sweet, subtle, soft and big.
I had to make her mine.
With a woman like that, there's
enough to last me a lifetime.
Every man's fantasy, every man's
dream girl right before my eyes.
I had to make my move.
- Hey there pretty lady,
the man down at the end of the
bar would like to buy you a
slice.
- Yeah, so, when you was up
there dancing, I was down here
[INAUDIBLE].
And I need to know you luscious
mama, you come here often?
- Yes.
I work here.
- Oh, well, I'm
fresh from Frisco.
You know, new to this city.
But I gotta know,
you tantalizing tenderoni.
You got a name to go
with them titties?
- Of course.
My name is Missy.
- Missy?
We sit around here bullshitting
with all this chit-chat.
We could slide out
to your pad and
you could let me hit that.
What's my name?
What's my name?
- Sugar.
- Yeah.
- Come on
let's go.
- Aah!
- Oh, give it to
me Super Balls,
give it to me!
- Sugar Bear.
Sugar Bear.
Sugar, come in,
this is Harry Cox.
Sugar, come in,
this is Harry Cox.
- Yeah, what man?
- Sugar?
- That's right.
- Sugar, where have you been?
This whole town's gone to hell.
The whole place has been ripped
apart in the last 24 hours.
- Look here brother,
I've been in love.
Now what's this bullshit
you speaking of?
- Remember when we arrested
Eight Boy in the donut house?
Well I think we really pissed
off Big Baby Sweets and his gang
of thugs and freaks.
I think he's sending
us a message.
He's taking it out on the whole
city tearing the place to hell.
- Well there's no need to
stress because a bear's on the
case,
I'm about to get loud
and up in his face.
- You don't want to
mess with this guy.
He's dangerous, he's mean, he's
bad, he steps on dew worms in
the rain man.
- I'm gonna pick those fools
up and take them downtown.
See what they say when
I slap them around.
- What, pick them up?
Take him downtown?
What are you, crazy?
You can't touch these guys.
We don't even have
them on anything.
You've got to get them
on something real.
- Is that right?
Well look here, cocks.
I'm butt bully naked
except for my socks.
I'm going to get on over there
as soon as I put on my drawers.
Never big on sweets
and even the scores.
- No, no, no.
Sugar.
No, no don't do it.
There's got to be a better way.
There's got to be a
more law abiding way.
He's going to do
something horrible.
Sugar!
- Thanks for the nutting and
the titties and all but, got to
go bitch, duty calls.
- You can't do that,
he's going to get you.
You're in trouble.
No, no, no, don't do that!
- I should have told
him I loved him.
I should have cared.
[INAUDIBLE]
Honk if you love sugar!
[UNKNOWN] I'm sorry,
Sugar, I love.
Honk for Sugar.
You over there, honk for
Sugar, you little fucker.
Honk.
Fucking, Sugar.
Give me a chip.
Give me another chip.
- Freeze mother fuckers.
Don't even breathe.
Put your god damned hands
where my eyes can see them.
- I got the baby oil,
who's [INAUDIBLE].
- Motherfucker, shut up.
- [INAUDIBLE]
All I'm saying chief
is I hope Sugar Bear.
He knows what he's doing,
because these guys are very very
very dangerous.
- Well maybe if you weren't
shitting your pants every two
seconds,
you pigeon-faced fuck, you
wouldn't be so goddamn scared
all the time.
- Now wait a minute, Chief.
I do the very best to ensure
the safety of myself.
And my fellow
officers of the law.
And, if that means I have to
approach things with a little
more caution,
then that's what I'm gonna do,
you funny glazed whore.
- Look, you horny
son-of-a-bitch, you never
question Sugar's tactics.
Do you understand me?
You do what you do best.
And, that's play with that
fucking meat-bag of yours.
You got me punk?
Oh, Sugar.
Great job on getting those
dirt-bag bastards down here.
Beautiful job baby.
- Now chief, wait a second,
the law clearly states that we
can't hold these guys for more
an hour.
I mean technically we don't
really have them on anything.
- Woo.
Woo, hoo.
- Wow.
- All right, chief.
I dig you cops.
I know these mother fuckers
are tougher than wax.
I'm a talk to Sweets about
all his riches, and chief,
you question those
other two bitches.
- Yeah, what do you want me
to do, lemon meringue pie ass?
- All right, cop, listen up.
This is big. I want you to
get out, patrol the streets.
You find me the biggest,
fattest ass you can find me and
then you plug it up,
you son of a bitch.
I got work to do
here, you fat fuck.
- The key here man.
I see you got the gold
and all them rings.
Spill it man!
Where you getting
all them things?
- Who me?
Mother fuckers is it
a crime to have some
motherfucking money
in this country,
you bitch ass wack motherfucker.
- What about them
jewels we found?
Them bitches must have been
worth at least a million a
pound.
- Oh, the jewels?
The jewels?
- All right, shut the fuck up.
I know you two
sons of bitches
had something to do with that
supermarket blowing up in
fucking flames last night.
- It was big baby.
We didn't want to
do it, he made us!
- Sure did, man.
[INAUDIBLE] he's gonna
kill us both, man.
- Yup, he'll kill me too.
- Yeah, what about them dead
bodies we found in your yard?
Oh yeah, mother fucker, we
found them up all in your car.
- You found the bodies?
You found the
bodies in the yard?
- And the two of you boys
are just gonna sit here and
deny that you had
anything to do with it.
What about that preschool
drive-by kidnapping spree you
fuckers.
- It was Lil' Poot.
- [UNKNOWN] man, [UNKNOWN] He
said if I don't, he's gonna kill
us both, man.
I was scared as hell, man.
- Damn it.
Here I got these two
fuckers aren't anything.
- I'm gonna break you fool.
Oh, I got you, sucker.
Now tell me where you stashed
that gun at, you punk ass mother
fucker.
- No.
- Sure?
- All right, what
about the fucking dog?
What about that shit?
- Do you know about
the gold tooth?
- Of course, I know
about the gold.
Look at his fucking mouth.
- These ain't real man.
- Who you like better?
New Benny or old Benny?
- Motherfucker.
Where was you in that train car?
Where the fuck was you in that
little cripple kid hospital
[UNKNOWN]
- Mother fucker!
I didn't told you.
You ain't got shit on me.
Shit that is except for
my mother fucking money.
- No more questions, please.
- [INAUDIBLE] back to sleep.
- Big Baby Tweeted if you all
do it I'm gonna kill both of you
all.
[INAUDIBLE]
- Big Baby sweets,
Big Baby sweets shut
the fuck up with that shit.
- We didn't
- Shut the fuck up,
will you stop your crying
you fucking pussies!
Shut up, I can't hear
myself think, god-dammit.
I'm already [INAUDIBLE] you move
an inch in here, I'll come back,
I'll beat your fucking heads
around the room you cock
suckers.
- [INAUDIBLE] lt's
all right Bear.
It's all right.
- [UNKNOWN]
- Hey there, jelly buns.
Were you able to get
anything out of them, or.
- Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Not a god damned fucking thing.
Those little turtle pricks
are tougher than I thought.
- Hey, hey Sugar.
Were you able to make them talk?
- No hands, no clues,
no leads, no trace.
I'm getting sick of all three
of their god damned faces.
- Damn it.
I guess we got no choice but
to let them walk.
God damn it!
- Well, let's hope they
don't wanna retaliate and
get revenge by taking more
innocent community lives.
Who!
Who, come the fuck out!
- What's up?
- You straight.
- I'm straight.
- The reason for
this emergency meeting, you all,
is we didn't quite get
the message clear last time.
Sugar Bear's still out there.
Fucking with my plans!
Fucking with my schemes!
- His motherfucking schemes!
- Fucking with my tactics!
- Your tactics.
- And most of all,
he's fucking with my money!
And we don't play that bullshit.
- Cry, big baby.
- I need you to show
some tender loving.
Show you respect.
- Man, rub his butt.
What I need you all to do is dig
to the bottom of your stomachs
and
pull out the most
wickedest, ruthless,
diabolical shit
you can think of.
- Seriously [INAUDIBLE] kick
they mother fucking ass!
- So which one of you all
is going to do that for me?
Which one of y'all is gonna find
this sugar bear and fuck that
kid up?
Which one of y'all
is gonna come to?
Man, y'all some suckers.
None of y'all?
Nobody, huh?
Well, then, fuck y'all.
- Yo, you right.
Fuck y'all.
- Bottom line is this.
You can take this
mother fucker, and
fuck him in the ass with a
cactus, I wouldn't give a fuck.
- Yeah.
- You can take big
stank's ball bag, and
slap that bitch with a nine
iron, I wouldn't give a fuck.
But when you fuck with my money,
- You get that mother fucker.
- You get [INAUDIBLE]
in your phone.
- You gots to die.
- Woo.
[INAUDIBLE]
[INAUDIBLE]
- Wait wait wait wait.
Let me say a prayer first.
- Go ahead, father.
- Our father, who
art in heaven.
- Boom.
Calm down.
- [INAUDIBLE] - There's
only one thing left to do.
- What's that sir?
What's that?
- We must summon
the magic ninjas.
- Hell yeah.
Magic magic ninjas, what.
- All right y'all,
this is it right here.
All we need to do
is, get off me!
Three kilometers to the left,
two kilometers to the right,
a little bit of Sergio
Valente's over.
Get off me.
There is a two [UNKNOWN],
and one clitoris.
All right, I got you.
Yeah, get ready, son, come on!
- In the house!
Hell yeah.
- Welcome magic
ninja one and two.
You mysterious fucking
ninja mother fuckers.
- [INAUDIBLE] - You have
been summoned for a reason.
We need some of this
kung fu ninjitsu shit.
There's a cop named Sugar Balls
that's been running around the
city fucking up my
business.
Fucking up my plans.
And most of all he been
fucking with my money.
- Hell ya,
he been fucking with our money.
I mean, Big Baby money.
- I would send you two ninjas
out to do what you normally do,
and
that's just kill that
motherfucker, right?
- Yes, Master!
- That sounds about right.
- Not today, motherfucker.
If you kill him the movie's
over, so then I had a plan.
We have to use your 2 BD ninja
brains and we must take them
away.
Think of a plan that will get
Sugar Bear there right where it
hurts cuz I hate
that mother fucker.
- Damn.
That's messy.
That's Suga's girl.
- How you know who
this fat bitch is?
- Been seeing her
at the wing spot.
- Yeah, she fat as hell.
- She is fat.
- Well, ninjas one and
two, it would appear Mr.
Hack Benjamin has come up with
a solution to our problem.
You will kill this fat bitch.
Give her some of
that kung fu shit.
Yeah one of them.
One of them.
And two of them.
Go ahead and leave
that shit out.
- Oh okay.
- That's a nipple?
- Now look!
Once you find this fat bitch and
you eliminate her presence.
The entire city will belong to
Big Baby Sweets and his gang of
thugs.
And once again, we will own
all of Detroit, New York.
Whoop, whoop.
- This city's tough turf was
really starting to get to me.
The ghetto curbs were
starting to bring me down.
These evil streets were rough.
Ain't no one we can trust.
These streets were cold,
ruthless and savage.
I don't know how much more of
this ghetto brutality I could
take.
I felt I needed another break
from this inner city hell.
I needed something.
I needed something.
I needed some ass.
I felt, I felt I needed
a big misses loving.
- Hello.
- Hey there, cellulite
bubble butt.
This the bear calling out.
I'm about to stop by there and
tag your [UNKNOWN] out.
- Okay sugar.
I'll be waiting butterballs.
- Well I'll bring the Faygo and
little Taco Bell and
I'll let you eat a little extra
if you promise not to tell.
- I'll see you soon sugar.
Better take off, Jack.
My boyfriend's on his
way over right now.
- Shit.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hey, hey
hey hey
man.
Hurry up and go before I bust
you in your head with this
goddamn Faygo.
Damn ninjas.
- That was it, I'd lost it.
My battle with Big Baby Sweets
was finally over.
Oh shit man, my battle
against crime was over.
It was time for
me to hang it up.
When I lost Missy,
that's when I lost it all.
I should've listened to
Cox when he warned me.
- No, no, don't do it!
There's gotta be a better way,
there's gotta be a better
law-abiding way!
You're gonna do
something horrible!
- And then again, I should have
listened to the chief when he
warned me, too.
- They got their piss plant.
- No, no, that other shit.
- It's like the whole damn
city's completely at the mercy
of Spritz and
his gang of punks, and
the entire force knows it.
It's like they've all given up.
- I was at the end of my rope,
I should've stayed in Frisco
where I was a hero, here in New
York I'm just a nobody.
Man I don't even deserve
to wear this badge.
Fuck it, I quit.
- Sugar, it's me, the Chief.
- Go away!
- Look, you prick, if you
don't open this fucking door,
I'm gonna kick the
god damn thing down.
I gotta talk to you, Sugar.
The hell?
Look at you, you wacky prick.
What the hell you gone and
done with yourself?
You were once the
mighty Sugar Bear.
Look at this shit.
- Look man, just
leave me alone.
Lost my will to go on, man.
- You hear that?
You see that shit?
You don't even fucking
rhyme anymore.
You're nothing but a dirty,
sorry, crack headed fucking
sorry set of tits.
You once swallowed a live
grenade, you prick you.
And you saved a fucking
bunch of refugees.
- Oh yeah, well I
lied about that.
- What do you mean?
- Well it was more like
a firecracker anyways.
And I never swallowed, I just
stomped it out with my foot.
And there wasn't no
refugees either man.
It was the Fujis.
Fuji.
I used to work the barricade for
their concerts.
- Oh, fuck all that shit.
It doesn't matter.
What about the Frisco cartel?
You took all those fuckers
out single-handedly.
- Yeah, I sure did.
But that was only a video game.
- Look, you scrubby
sonofabitch, snap out of it.
You're the best goddamn
cop to ever walk the beat.
I need you on the force.
Besides, the only other
clean cop I got is
that fucking squeaky bald
little fucking asshole, Cox.
Sweets and
his gang they got him last week.
- Hold on, wait!
Whatd you say about Cox?
- I said hes a
fucking asshole.
- No, no, no.
After that.
- Oh, yeah, Sweets
and his gang.
They got him.
Hes out on his little morning
jog around the fucking park.
Sweets and his gang got him, now
the fucking pricks got himself
held hostage.
- Damn.
- Well, what's with you.
What do you got sweet
feelings for this guy?
I mean, what the hell were you
doing when you were out there?
What, were you feeling up
each other's meat whistles?
What.
- Man, shut the fuck up before
I kick your fat fucking ass.
- Sit down, tough guy.
Relax.
And who the fuck you calling
fat, you fat prick?
Son of a bitch.
But this only proves what
I said was true all along.
- Yeah, and what's that?
- You ain't nothing but a sad,
sorry ass Dolemite wannabe, you
jerky little prick.
You better shape the fuck up.
Get yourself together here, pal.
Tell me about my fat ass.
You wish you had
this fucking ass.
- Get the fuck out of here!
- You know he's right.
You really ain't nothing but
another jive turkey
motherfucker!
Riding on the head of my dick,
trying to imitate the great, and
you're about 20 years too late,
motherfucker.
- Who's that?
Who said that?
- I did.
You business blind,
insecure, bow legged,
cross eyed, pigeon toed,
dilapidated mother fucker.
- Who the fuck are you?
- I can't believe.
I can't believe that you don't
recognize me.
I am the ghost of Dolomite.
- Ghost of Dolomite.
- And I ain't lying either.
- Shit, Dolomite ain't dead.
He lives over in Las Vegas.
Man, what the fuck
you talking about?
- Motherfucker, I know god
damn well I ain't dead.
I don't write the shit,
I'm paid to perform it.
- If you want to know, ask this
motherfucker what's going on.
- Guys, will you please
just stick to the script.
Cut.
- Well that's all good, but
what is the ghost of Dolomite
doing here in my apartment then?
- Man, if you was hanging onto
my dick any harder you'd be my
nutsack.
Suck.
You know, I don't mind you doing
my shift, but baby, you gotta do
it right.
Like [UNKNOWN], you
know what I'm saying?
The way you doing it,
you making me look like an ass.
- Hey, man, you don't know what
I've been through with big baby
sweets and his gang.
- And frankly speaking,
I couldn't give a good god damn.
You?
There's a million juggalos
watching this shit and
I know they don't like you doing
my shit and copping out like a
bitch.
If you don't get
the shit together,
I'm gonna put my foot up
your ass, mother fucker.
- Right, Dolemite.
Shit, there's millions of kids
out there watching this, man.
What about the kids?
- Damn the kids, brother.
What about all them fine bitches
just watching your shit?
I know you got a lot of
bitches jammin to your shit.
All right, fella.
All right, fellas.
Get yourself together and
give the bitches some.
Give them what they want.
Give them what they want.
Give the bitches more
than what they want.
Give it to them.
- You're right.
I'm gonna stand up and be man.
That's right.
I'm gonna go rescue officer Cox
and get big baby sweets and
his gang at the same time.
Dolomite, listen.
Now I'll be honest.
If you help lead me in my
crusade against crime, and
help me take these dirty
motherfuckers out.
What about it, man?
Will you do it?
- Hell no.
Not for free.
You're going to have to pay me.
This ain't exactly no
Star Wars motherfucker.
But if you can afford me.
We can get it on, but
it won't be easy.
Tomorrow I will help you on your
comeback as the bad, bad, bad,
bad sugar bear.
Can you dig it?
Put some weight on it.
Put some weight on it.
Put some weight on it.
Right there, right
there, right there.
Shit, man, you ain't doing shit.
Raise that thing higher, up
higher, put your weight on it,
put your weight on it.
Darn your soul, if you raise
that mother fucker higher,
you even may get
a doughnut hole.
Can you dig?
Pretty, good bear,
but I want you to
listen and watch me.
I'm going to show you how to
whoop a motherfucker's ass.
First thing you gotta do you got
to hypnotize that motherfucker.
Use a snake on that
son of a bitch.
Do like me, Dolemite.
Dolemite is my name and fucking
up motherfuckers is my game.
Now watch.
- That's what I'm
talking about.
Yeah.
Give me that shit.
- Listen up, Sugar.
Cops is being held here.
Somewhere in the eastern
section of this warehouse.
The place is crawling
with Sweets' men.
Now we're gonna be somewhere
outside over here in this area,
but as soon as you give the
word, we're busting in.
Now, luckily the budget for
this movie's almost out, so
you don't have to worry about
all the big Hollywood bullshit,
all the explosions,
the fire bombs, all
that crap, all right?
None the less, it's a dangerous
mission and I want you to watch
your ass.
Look here Chief,
you can spare me all this grief.
I'm going in there strictly to
knock out some mother fucking
teeth.
If Cox is in here, I'm
sure I'll find him.
- Oh yeah, shit in his pants
and a puddle of piss behind him.
All right, never mind that shit,
there's somebody I want you to
meet.
- Officer Bayer.
Very good to meet you.
- Just call me Sugar,
cuz I'm sweet to the end.
What's shaking my
beard faced friend?
- Sugar, this is Dr. Dinglenut.
He's our weapons
invention specialist.
He's been following you around
in various disguises studying
your strengths and
weaknesses.
He's got some really wacky shit
here he wants you to take a look
at far out stuff.
- Sugar.
I'm going to show you a gun.
This is a very special gun.
This is the ninja detector gun.
When you arrive
at the warehouse,
we are quite sure that both of
those magic ninjas will indeed
be on the premises.
We were able to find some hair
samples of theirs at the crime
scene in Missy's
apartment.
And those we've
combined with a special
bullet guidance system which
I developed here at the lab.
When you pull the trigger the
first time, the first bullet
will fly out.
Wherever the magic ninja is
within the warehouse, it will
destroy him.
When you pull the trigger a
second time, the second bullet
will fly out and
destroy the second magic ninja,
thus we call this The Ninja
Detector Gun.
Your next stop, [UNKNOWN], is
going to be the man that they
call Hack Benjamin.
We have been studying this
Benjamin character for many
years now.
We have finally determined that
he does have one weakness, and
that is his ears.
Thus, I have developed for
you this weapon.
The man is completely deaf.
He cannot hear a sound.
When you blow on the whistle, it
will send the sound waves from
the whistle
directly through his inner ear
canal and into his brain.
If he does not immediately flee
the scene, he will be destroyed.
- Is that it Doc?
I'm on the clock.
- The final obstacle or
perhaps I should say obstacles.
Are those two sensitive thugs,
Big Stank and Little Pooh.
- Two little pussies.
- Once you have reached the
compound and have spotted them,
simply aim this device and
press this red button.
- All right.
Tell them what the fuck it
does you nutty looking prick.
- It will trigger a robotic
mechanism that will remove the
two suburban hoodlums
from your life.
We have no time now to
explain how it works.
Simply trust me, it
will do the job.
- With or without all this high
tech stuff, I'm going there to
fight and
I'm gonna bring
it to them rough.
- Don't forget to bring back
that little needle dick prick
Cox with you.
- All right, get Dolomite.
Let's go.
I'm gonna smoke
that Big Baby ho.
What?
- Forget about Dolomite.
The budget on the flick
ran out for Dolomite.
He took off running.
What you think he's gonna
do this shit for free?
Looks like you're on
your own on this one pal.
Sorry, buddy.
- Good luck, Sugar Bear.
Remember, it all rides on you.
- I know you can do it.
- Magic man.
We both know the game.
Wait a minute.
- She all about
hip-hop every day.
- Seven's my point, bitch.
Seven ain't no point,
that's some crap asshole.
- Man, shut up.
- They used to call you
asshole, now they call you fat
yo!
- That's my dollar
though right there.
Then you roll, bitch.
Give me the money and you roll.
- You ain't shit.
- Man give me my shit.
- Oh.
- Easy.
- Now what the fuck was that?
- Hey yo Smack.
- What's up?
- What the fuck was that?
- Oh, that was me killing
your homies mind brain.
Remember me you sap
ass mother fuckers?
Sugar Bear's the name.
I come for Cox and
to take you all to jail.
Shut down your game?
- Fuck you.
- Might as well.
- Oh, sugar.
I knew you'd come for me.
- Shut up, fool.
- Man, fuck that.
You ain't got shit on me.
- You ain't got shit, sucker!
- Hell no.
- It's true, you're right,
I ain't got nothing.
But let's see what happens
when I push on this button.
- Elliot Thornton Longwood.
Spaulden Thirsten Longwood?
- What is the meaning of this?
Hanging around this riff raff
when you should be home mowing
the lawn.
I knew you were up to something.
When Mr. Perkins called and
said, you both missed your
violin lesson.
Do you have any idea how long
we've been looking for you
today?
And you know it's family fun
night at the roller rink.
- Spalding, what is
that in your mouth?
- His gold tooth.
- Is this what you've been
saving your allowance for?
You said, you were waiting
to buy a microscope!
What have we done wrong?
- I don't know but I know this,
it ends here, it ends now.
Misters, you are grounded.
- Don't desert.
- [INAUDIBLE]
- Hey, great job Sugar.
You're one hell of a good cop
I'll say that right fricking now
sunshine.
- Get off my dick,
I still gotta get Sweets.
I'd take you with me but
you're too fucking weak.
- Hey wait a minute, maybe I
can help you take Big Baby
Sweets and his gang out.
I know I act like a little baby
bitch butterfly sometimes.
But I don't mean to be a feeble
little scared guy who's afraid
of guns and.
I know you've saved my
life a million times, and
I'm just not really what
a real cop is all about, am I?
But I gotta be good
for something.
Take your shirt off.
Let me rub your shoulders like a
Norwegian bath house attendant.
Come on, let me get in there.
- Man, the chief was right.
You a bitch.
Man, get up and go.
Little bitch.
- Just a couple of tattoos.
- I've been waiting for you.
All you had to do was let me be.
Just leave me and
my mother-fucking money alone.
But you couldn't do it.
You had to come and
fuck with my money.
But now you gotta die for it.
Get your bitch ass
ready to battle.
The man that will teach you to
never ever fuck with my
motherfucking money!
Meet your doom.
Prepare to have your ass
ripped in half by Cactus Sack.
- [INAUDIBLE] I'm
gonna tear you up
because your ass is grass and
Cactus Sack got the [UNKNOWN].
No, that's too cliche.
But you will be mine.
Mine.
All mine.
[INAUDIBLE]
Have a nice day.
[INAUDIBLE] That's
not my line anymore.
[INAUDIBLE] Oh,
here's one more for you, sugar!
I'm not through with you yet.
Take that.
[INAUDIBLE]
Oh.
Have mercy!
God damn it, that's
not it either.
Come on.
Oh yeah.
Let's see what Mr.
Socko has to say about this.
What the fuck is this thing?
Come on.
Oh.
- Bang bang.
That's the line.
Bang bang.
Bang bang.
Bang bang.
Bang bang.
Did somebody order
a steak out there?
You got a steak and
I asked [INAUDIBLE]
[INAUDIBLE]
please.
This is going to hurt.
Would you like some
squash with that steak?
Bang bang!
A stake through the heart.
That's the second
time this week.
- That was good.
But you can definitely
tell this is a movie.
Cuz had it been real life,
he fucked you up.
None the less, that was,
that was very impressive.
Now you've been down a
long road, Sugar Bear.
Sugar Bear.
Who the fuck keeps playing that
music every time I say Sugar
Bear?
- That'd be me.
- Who the fuck are you.
- Mike Clark.
Mikey Clark.
I produce you music.
- Oh Mike, you pro.
As I was saying sugar bear,
[UNKNOWN] bear, [UNKNOWN] bear.
As I was saying, Sugar Bear,
you've come down a long way,
but you've reached your
mother fucking dead end,
because you should have
known one thing all along.
- Oh yeah, man?
And what's that?
- What's that?
That is nothing,
nothing comes between me and
my mother fucking money.
Who's playing?
Stop playing.
Stop playing.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go ahead and.
- Sorry I'm late.
But I told you I'd make
everything right, you broke
bitch ass mother fucker.
- Well Sugar Bear.
You did it.
I don't know how the fuck you
pulled it off, but you did it.
You are one hell of a super cop,
you French tickling son
of a fucking whore's ass.
- Yes my friend, I wish that
the entire police force could
learn
from the fire that burns
within your heart.
- Oh yeah. The city's
back and it's all good.
Hold on one second,
if you could.
- No wait a minute,
wait a minute.
- Joker, you're not,
before they drop this
cat in his casket,
let's reveal the
dirty rat bastard.
Gee, I don't fucking believe it.
- Why, why this is quite
clearly impossible.
It was that dirty little cock
sucking little prick Cox the
whole fucking time.
I don't believe it.
I could punch that fucking.
Sugar, that means
that the whole time,
you're the only clean cop
in the goddamned city.
Christ.
- Who would have ever guessed,
my homie, my lope,
my dog, - Harry Cox was
nothing more than a two
bit mafia drug lord robbing his
own city of everything it's got.
- And that brings us to the end
of the sermon, brothers and
sisters.
If you have no holy cash on
hand, then unemployment checks,
food stamps,
or credit cards are all ordained
of God, brothers and sisters.
- What was his motive?
I'll give you his motive.
Money.
It was all over some
bitch ass money.
Big Baby Cox was nothing more
than a big money hustler.
- So, it's like, according to
Isaiah and shit, you know what
I'm saying?
A star came from like,
Nazareth, which ain't
too far from like right around
the corner from like Little Mo's
Hot Wings and shit.
And it's like it brought the
Holy Ghost to like congregation
and shit, you know what
I'm saying, and it conclusioned
to that, you know what I mean?
- Just like we,
hurry up in this bitch, y'all.
- And we ain't playing neither.
It's like Judas Priest
up in this bitch, yo.
- You know what I'm saying?
We here to preach
to you all sinners.
- You staring at me, bro?
- That need to get you all
shit together, you know?
- You got something to say?
- If they had of nailed me
to a cross, I'd of been like,
just wait till I get down,
I'm a fuck me somebody up.
You know what I'm saying?
- Sure, you're right.
Sure, you're right.
- So what we like to do right
here right now at this time
is pay homage to
the motherfucking messiah.
- The savior.
- The king of
motherfucking paper.
- The one.
The only.
- Big Baby Sweets.
- The wicked clowns will
never die, mother fucker.
- Whew.
Oh my God.
- Die motherfucker die!
- Yeah, bitch.
- Aah!
- Yeah.
Yeah.
[INAUDIBLE]
- Run motherfucker.
- Back motherfucker.
Fucker.
- What am I on TV?
[INAUDIBLE] Years ago I
used to sing and dance.
Aah!
Won't you be my melancholy baby?
- Bambino
sweets.
Big baby sweets.
- I'll be happy to eat.
- Man, y'all silly suckers
smell like shrimp butt.
- These goggles lets you to see
through an ultraviolet spectrum.
You can then go ahead and take
the worm out of the ground just
like the chicken do
before the chicken pluck it,
though if you are a sick
bastard, you can eat the worm.
The choice is 100% yours.
- Hello.
Back in the old days I used to
- Chief,
I want you to know that I do
things to the best ability of
myself and
my sister's cock.
- Well, what do you want
me to do, Cluster Crack?
And what do you want me to do,
Lasagna Ass?
Well, what do you want me to do?
Thunder fingers?
- All right, Cox.
Listen to me, this is big.
This is huge.
I want you to get out there,
patrol the streets, find me the
biggest,
fattest ass you can find, and
go plug it, you son of a bitch.
I got shit to do here,
you fat bastard.
Our movie's the shit.
- So your ass.
- Cut
- The magic ninjas
- Hell yeah
Go ninja go.
Go ninja go
- Oh, oh.
Right!
- Take your shirt off, maybe I
could oil you up with some
virgin olive oil and
rub your shoulders like a
Norwegian, Swedish, whale
skinner.
- What did you say
mother fucker?
- Cut, cut, fire!
Good luck, Sugar Bear.
- That's it?
Where my Oscar?
Ooh, woo!