Big Noise, The (1944) Movie Script
- What's the matter?
- Hartley again.
That fellow from Los Angeles
wants to register another invention.
- What is it this time?
- It's an explosive.
Says it'll make a 2000-pound
blockbuster...
...sound like a popgun.
- Well, that's more sensible...
...than most of his ideas.
- Yes.
Take a look at these.
All Hartley inventions.
And we practically have a whole room
in the storehouse devoted to his models.
This is the first one. A mask to be used
while eating grapefruit.
And get this one.
This is a dilly.
A motorized toothbrush,
guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Oh, you're taking him too seriously.
Well, I'm going to take
his bomb idea...
...up with the chief
of the Ordnance Department.
What have you got that fan on for?
- Turn it off.
- Oh, I'm feeling fine.
The fan. Turn it off.
The...
Now you've ruined
a whole morning's work.
- I'm sorry, son. What's eating you?
- lf you want to know the truth, Father...
...I'm annoyed.
I haven't heard from the government.
Maybe Washington's tired
of hearing from Hartley.
- There's a war on.
But that's just the point.
My invention would shorten the war
by months, maybe years.
The government should welcome it
with open arms.
I'm 4-F, this is the only way
that I can contribute to the war effort...
...and do something for my country.
- My boy, I honor you for it.
Well do I remember the charge
up San Juan Hill.
Into the Valley of Death
go the 600.
- My sacroiliac.
- Oh, you should be more careful.
And your history is bad.
That's my private phone.
I wonder who that can be.
- Hello.
Western Union calling.
Western Union?
We have a message
for Mr. Alva P. Hartley.
- Is he there?
- Yes?
The message is from Washington...
...and is signed,
"Paterson, director of Patent Office."
Yes, yes, go on.
Very much interested
in your invention.
War Department says
it has great possibilities.
Guard it with your life.
Forward all details and formula...
...and samples,
as soon as tests are completed.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
My explosive. They've even taken
the matter up...
...with the War Department.
Probably chief of Ordnance.
- Spies, enemy spies.
- Yes.
And they said I was to protect
this invention with my very life.
Detectives, that's the ticket. I must have
someone to guard this every minute...
...until I can get it off to Washington.
Let me see, detective agency...
- Come in.
- It's the telephone.
Never mind, I'll answer it.
Hello. Jones Detective Agency.
What?
I'm sorry, sir,
but I can't understand a word you...
Will you stop that noise?
- I never said a word.
- Well, cut that machine off.
- Not you, sir. No, sir.
- I have something of great importance...
...in my possession
which must be guarded night and day.
- I want two of your best men at once.
- I'm sorry sir, that will be impossible.
You see, our manager's in Sacramento
with a habeas corpus.
And all of our best detectives,
who are not in the armed forces...
...are busy guarding
government property.
But this is a government matter. In fact,
it has been suggested by Washington...
...that I take these precautions.
It will only be for a few days.
Money is no object.
And the men will be treated
like members of the family.
Pleasant surroundings, best of food.
Well, sir, you're in luck.
I'm happy to inform you
that two of our best detectives...
...have just entered the office.
And I'll send them right over.
- Where to?
- 32 Elm Road.
32 Elm Road.
I'll send them over immediately.
Goodbye.
- What two detectives entered the office?
- You and me.
Stanley, this is our opportunity.
We took this job as janitors...
...to become detectives, didn't we?
We've been going to night school...
...studying for eight months
to be detectives, haven't we?
- You wanna be a detective, don't you?
- Sure, but I don't think I'll make it.
- Why not?
- Well, you see, l...
I don't know what that word,
"habeas corpus" means.
Habeas cor...
Why, Habeas Corpus is a name
of a town in Texas.
In Texas? Well, what's the boss doing
up in Sacramento...
...when Habeas Corpus is in Texas?
Oh, now, don't bother about that.
You run over to the room...
...and pack some of our things.
- We're gonna be on this job a long time.
- That ought to settle things.
That's the biggest agency in town.
Oh, Aunt Sophie...
...the smartest detectives
are coming to guard my invention.
They'll stay here,
so make all the arrangements.
- Are they young and good-looking?
- How the dickens should I know?
Men. That's all you ever think about.
A person would think...
...a woman who had had five husbands
would take a little rest.
- And they were good husbands too.
- Yes, and they're all dead.
- What did he say the address was?
- 32 Elm Road.
Are you sure we're on the right street?
All you've gotta do
is read the street sign.
- What does it say?
- I can't read it. I haven't got my glasses.
- Here, hold this. I'll climb up and I'll see.
- Never mind, I'll climb up.
You couldn't read it if you got up there,
glasses or no glasses.
Give me a lift.
Hey, Ollie,
you don't have to bother now.
This is the right street, all right.
It says so on the curb.
- What happened?
- We won't go into that.
Oh, well, if you don't want to tell me,
we'll just skip it.
I don't c...
Oh, look, there's 32.
We were right here.
Isn't that silly?
You don't just walk
into places like this.
They can't hear you knocking.
Here, you talk into this.
- Hello.
- Oh, you've got to blow into it first.
Beware.
Disaster befalls all who enter
these dread portals.
- What did you say?
- I didn't say anything.
Why, I'm positive
I heard you say something.
- Maybe I was talking to myself.
- Well, shut up and come on.
Come on.
I'll ring.
- Why can't I ring?
- All right, go ahead and ring.
You never think I can do anything.
- Doesn't ring.
- Well, knock.
Come in.
When you knock,
you don't say, "Come in."
- The man inside says, "Come in."
- But I didn't knock.
What do you mean you didn't knock?
I distinctly heard you knock.
- l...
- Oh, get out of the way, I'll do it.
- See?
- Don't point, it's rude.
How do you do, sir?
I'm Mr. Hardy,
from the Jones Detective Agency...
...and this is my colleague, Mr. Laurel.
Hey.
Oh, yes, yes, certainly.
Come on in.
Thank you. Come, Stanley.
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
- What happened?
- Why, I tripped over the valise...
...coming through the door.
- What for?
Well, I couldn't get my foot...
Oh, never mind what for.
- Well, here we are.
- At your service.
I was just hanging a picture.
I'll explain your duties...
...to you later, gentlemen. Excuse me.
- Yes, sir.
Come in.
- My, what a beautiful picture.
- Yes, that cost a lot of money.
- It's a Van Dyck.
- A what?
Van Dyck.
You know what a Van Dyck is?
Oh, yeah, my uncle had one,
but he had to have it shaved off.
- You see it got...
- Shh.
- What?
- Van Dyck was a painter, not a beard.
By the way, what happened to you?
Oh, I had a slight accident
with some paint on our way over.
- I can't get it off.
- Oh, that's nothing.
I'll have that off for you in a jiffy.
- Stand over there, please.
- Yes, sir.
The Hartley Little-Gem Paint-Remover.
One of my many inventions.
I was getting it ready
to send to Washington.
Now, let's see, this knob. That's it.
- Now, don't be frightened.
- No.
Now, there, you'd hardly know
there had been a spot on it.
Gee, that's swell.
That's a wonderful machine.
- Yes, it works both ways.
- Is that so?
You know, necessity is the mo...
My Van Dyck.
Turn it off.
My Van Dyck.
Do you realize
you've ruined my beautiful picture?
The Height of Spring.
Oh, what am I going to do?
You could change the name on it.
You could call it The Depth of Winter.
- That would be a good...
- Mr. Hartley, just what are our duties?
- Come with me.
- Yes, sir.
Bring the bag.
This is my prize possession.
Gentlemen, you are looking
at what I consider...
...the most powerful explosive
in the world today.
- I call it the Big Noise.
- Why?
Because, properly detonated,
it would blow up this entire city.
What do you want us to do with it?
I don't want you to do anything with it,
except to guard it with your lives.
The utmost secrecy must be observed.
If the wrong people learned
what I have in mind...
...and it was discovered, it might
alter the whole course of the war.
Don't worry, Mr. Hartley...
...we'll guard it, even with his life.
- We certainly will.
Good. Now that you gentlemen
know your duties...
...I'll show you to your quarters.
- Thank you.
What's the matter, don't you feel well?
Oh, just another one of my dizzy spells.
Excuse me.
That did it.
I feel much better now.
This is another one of my inventions.
- You know what?
- What?
I've got a clue.
I think Mr. Hartley
is just a little bit cracked.
Well, I ought to know.
All inventors are like that,
they are eccentric.
They're not like you and me.
They're different.
- How do you mean?
- They are just a little bit twisted.
Twisted?
This way, gentlemen.
Now, this is where you sleep.
On the floor?
Oh, I forgot to explain.
This is another one of my inventions.
This is the house of tomorrow.
Five rooms in one,
with every modern convenience.
Your beds.
Step back, gentlemen.
Your washbasin.
Your shower.
And last, but not least...
...your table.
There you are, gentlemen.
All the comforts of home
in a minimum of space.
Very ingenious.
This is your entrance,
and here's your key.
Be sure and keep it locked at all times.
- Oh, oh, Mr. Hartley.
- Yes?
In case you should need us at any time...
...you just blow this whistle...
...and we'll be at your service.
Thank you.
Well, make yourselves at home, boys.
If you care to wash and brush up,
dinner won't be ready for 20 minutes.
Say, there's no soap.
Oh, yes, there is.
The soap is in the water.
- Where you been?
- I got tired of sitting around...
...so I went over.
- Over there?
Wait until I tell you.
The old lady's jewels are peanuts.
That guy's got an explosive
worth a million bucks.
- What do we want with an explosive?
- lf we got ahold of it...
...we could sell it
to some foreign government.
Hey, wait a minute, haven't you guys
got any patriotism?
- That's right, honey.
- So what?
All I'm interested in
is the necklace the old dame bought...
...in New York two years ago.
- The sparklers, that's another 50 grand.
All we've gotta do
is figure some way to get in.
We've been sitting around for a week,
spend a lot of dough...
...but how far are we along now?
- Nowhere.
- I'm tired of this racket.
- We gotta make Hartley's acquaintance...
...in legitimate fashion. That's the only
way we'll get into the place.
- Who's that?
- How should I know?
Go into your butler act,
answer the door.
- Yes?
- Telegram for Miss Charlton.
- Sign here, please.
- Yes.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- It's for you, Mayme.
- For me?
Yeah, your creditors are catching up
with you.
- Holy mackerel.
- What?
My niece. She's coming for a visit and
wants to know if she can stay with us.
I've gotta head her off. I can't let her
walk into a layout like this.
- The kid's on the level.
- Hey, wait a minute.
- She's a pretty girl, isn't she?
- She's the beauty of the family.
This is our card of introduction.
Hartley's a cinch
to fall for a pretty girl.
- Let her come.
- No, I'm not gonna get her...
...mixed-up in this.
- There's no reason...
...why the girl should ever get wise.
Go ahead, wire her to come.
- Oh, well, go ahead, shake it up.
- Oh, all right.
And when the kid does get here,
I want you two to mind your language.
- I don't think it's such a good idea.
- What have you got to think with?
And Mrs. Sophie Manners...
...sister of my deceased wife.
- How do you do?
Well, now that we all know
one another...
...shall we have something to eat?
- That's a very good idea, I'm famished.
- I'm hungry too.
- Good.
We'll start with the turkey.
This is one of my own little inventions,
everything desiccated and dehydrated.
No standing over a hot stove
for hours, no spoilage of food...
...no dirty pots and pans...
No washing dishes all evening long.
A housekeeper's paradise.
Will you have white meat
or dark meat?
- I'd like white meat, please.
- Fine.
Pardon me, I said, white meat.
Oh, how stupid.
Brussels sprouts...
...carrots, mashed potatoes.
- No gravy, please.
Very well, here we are.
Now, Mr. Laurel, what will you have,
white meat or dark meat?
- I'll go for the whole works.
- Splendid.
Don't be so greedy.
Could...? Could I have a second joint?
Oh, of course, of course.
There we are. Brussels sprouts,
carrots, mashed potatoes.
There we are.
What, no cranberry sauce?
Oh, how forgetful of me.
I suppose you'll have hash
tomorrow night.
Oh, that's already taken care of.
Won't you please sit down, gentlemen,
and eat the turkey before it gets cold.
Thank you.
There we are. Brussels sprouts...
...carrots, mashed potatoes.
Could I have a napkin?
Brussels sprouts, carrots,
mashed potatoes.
Here you are, Junior.
- Gee, a neck, as usual.
- You must have your vitamins.
Are you kidding?
I'm capsule-happy now.
Don't wipe your gravy on me.
I don't like sprouts.
The mashed potatoes are good.
Idaho.
- Do you mind if I sit with you, boys?
- Why, it's our pleasure.
Move over, Stanley.
Move over.
Sit right down.
- Are you on a diet?
- I have to watch my girlish figure.
I got a bone stuck in my throat.
You should be more careful.
Don't bolt your food, Grandpa.
Good thing it wasn't the drumstick.
He always does that,
especially when we have fish.
Could I have another second front...?
Joint?
Don't eat too much,
better leave room for dessert.
- Have one, Stanley.
- What are they?
- Bicarbonate.
- Thank you, Ollie.
- Excuse me.
- Not at all.
- That's quite all right, Stanley.
- Thank you, Ollie.
- Demitasse?
- Thank you.
- Could I have mine in a mug?
- I beg your pardon.
A mug, M-U "ug," mug.
And bring me a toothpick.
- I'm glad you enjoyed your dinner.
- It was delicious. I'm stuffed.
I bet the hash will be
good tomorrow night.
You have a surprise in store for you.
Tomorrow night, we're going to have
a suckling pig with all the trimmings.
- With an apple in its mouth?
- Definitely.
Make yourselves at home.
I have a little work to do
before we get started...
...so you'll excuse me.
- Yeah.
Don't forget, if you need us,
blow the whistle.
- I won't.
- Good night.
- Goodbye. Good night.
- Good night.
Oh, Mr. Hardy,
you look so much like Romeo.
Do you know, Mr. Hardy...
...you remind me so much
of my dear departed husband.
Really?
- Would you like to see my album?
- We'd love to.
What?
Two is company.
Oh, Mr. Hardy,
you just beam with personality.
Now, this was my first husband,
Ebenezer.
One day, he spilled rum on
his whiskers...
...lit a cigar and that was the end
of Ebenezer.
And this was Henry.
I took him for a long walk
on a short pier and he never came up.
Sunk?
- He gave me these.
- Oh.
You're a detective, ain't you?
Better tell the big fellow to
watch out, she's got her eyes on him.
I know the signs, she's out
to make him the sixth.
- The sixth what?
- Sixth husband.
They all died strange deaths.
I took them all
for better or for worse.
- But not for long.
- No.
Take my advice and break it up
before it's too late.
I'll break it up right now.
Listen, you've got
to break this thing...
Pardon me. Me first.
Excuse me.
- At your service.
- But, gentlemen, I didn't whistle.
I'm sorry, sir, but l...
I distinctly heard you myself.
Oh, I'm afraid you boys
have eaten too much turkey.
You had better retire
to your room and relax.
I'm a very busy man...
...I'm working on an aeroplane
that requires no wings.
How does it fly?
That's just what I'm working on.
Good night.
He must have given me
the wrong key.
- Let me try it now. Maybe I can fix it.
- All right.
That's got it.
It's stuck.
Maybe you better take your pants off.
See, I can't get...
Come in.
Thank you.
Now that you got your pants off,
maybe you ought to go to bed.
Unpack the suitcase.
Now, what did you wanna bring
these for?
Well, I thought maybe we might want
to go out for a walk on Sunday...
...and I thought we'd better look
well-dressed.
And you know
what else the old man said?
Every time she walks in her sleep,
that's the tiptop.
Not tiptop, tip-off.
And furthermore, the old man doesn't
know what he's talking about.
I'll take care of my own...
And ano...
See, she's looking for you.
What will we do?
Sophie, wake up! Help!
What on earth is going on
around this house?
Sophie, you...
Where on earth am I?
You... You might have wrecked
the whole town if you had dropped this.
Where are those detectives?
- At your service.
- I thought I engaged you gentlemen...
...to guard this explosive.
- That's what we're trying to do, sir.
- We haven't left the room for a minute.
- Not very much protection.
I find a sleepwalker
roaming the house with it.
Do you think he's mad at us?
- Slightly.
- lf anything like this happens again...
...you'll both be discharged, understand?
- Yes, sir.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Maybe from now we'd better sleep
with one eye open.
- I've got a better idea.
- What?
We'll take turns.
I'll sleep for an hour,
and you sit up for an hour.
Then I'll sleep for an hour,
and you sit up for an hour.
Then I'll sleep for an hour,
and you sit up an hour.
That's a good idea.
You sure can figure things out,
Ollie...
...you certainly can.
- Now, don't forget to wake me up.
- I won't.
- Good night.
- Good... Get up out of that.
I'll sleep the first hour.
Would you mind turning out the light.
Oh, Stan, get me out of here.
Get away from there and come here.
I thought I told you to turn
out the lights.
Well, I tried every button,
but the light wouldn't go out.
How many times have I told you,
"If at first you don't succeed...
...try, try again"?
- There's the light button. Why...
- No, just a minute.
I'll turn out the lights.
At your service.
I'm going to make a very
important test of this bomb...
...and I want you two to take a
photograph of the result of the explosion.
- Where's the camera?
- Out in the car.
Well, let's go.
- I'll handle this.
- Yes.
Come on.
That's deep enough.
Now cover it up, but be very cautious.
No, no, don't do that.
Oh, you must be more careful, you might
have blown us all to kingdom come.
We've got to go a good distance away
in order to be safe.
That's going to make a terrific explosion.
- What about the other people here?
- There isn't anyone within 20 miles.
Come on.
Oh, by the way, gentlemen...
...if you'll just put these
in your ears, it'll lessen the concussion.
In fact, with these you won't be able
to hear a thing.
- You couldn't even hear a pin drop.
- Gee, that's wonderful.
- Another of your inventions?
- Oh, yes, indeed.
- Why don't you patent it?
- Oh, I intend to...
...the moment I get around to it.
- He's going to patent it soon as he gets...
- I heard what he said.
How could you hear what he said?
I haven't even heard a pin drop.
Well, if it's all the same to you,
Mr. Hartley, I'd rather hear the explosion.
If you'll just center the camera
on the side of that hill...
...I wanna see
how much damage this will do.
- Yes, sir.
- Wait till I get my field glasses.
Will you get from in front of the camera?
Go sit down someplace.
Well, l...
Stan, do something to help me.
Get this thing off of my head.
This is number 34.
Fine. Drive right in.
Here, I'll take it.
Well, how do you do?
- Just set them down, thank you.
- Okay.
And where's Auntie?
Aged squaw gone down to bank
to get more money.
- And who are you?
- Me Big Chief Rain-in-the-Face.
Delighted to meet you, Big Chief.
My name is Evelyn.
How.
Where's Uncle Big Chief?
Big Chief no ketchum uncle.
Big Chief ketchum father
and grandpa, no uncle.
- How do you do?
- Hello.
- Hello.
- I'm Evelyn.
I'm afraid I don't quite understand.
- Oh, I'm looking for Mrs. Charlton.
- Oh, she lives next door.
- She's supposed to live at 34 Elm Road.
- But, this is 32.
But the sign outside said 34,
and the sign next door said 32.
Oh, that must be Egbert's doing.
Where is he?
- He was here a moment ago.
- You mean, Big Chief?
- Yeah.
- I think he went upstairs.
Oh, well, I'll talk to him later.
May I escort you to the Charlton's home,
Miss Evelyn?
Oh, that's very kind of you.
Let's go, sister.
Oh, no, no, boys. She's a friend.
Oh, pleased to meet you.
The bags, carry them next door
to Mrs. Charlton's.
Come, Miss Evelyn.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
The bags.
Good heavens. Here comes that kid,
Evelyn, and she's got Hartley in tow.
Dutchy, scram.
Put on your coat and answer the door.
Step right in.
I haven't seen my aunt
for a long time.
Mm-hm.
- That will be all, gentlemen, thank you.
- Thank you.
Sorry.
- Oh, Evelyn, I'm so glad to see you.
- Auntie. Hello.
- Evelyn, how are you?
- Hello.
Oh, this is Mr. Hartley,
your neighbor.
- May I present Mr. and Mrs. Charlton.
- How do you do?
- This is indeed a great pleasure.
- Thank you.
I went to Mr. Hartley's by mistake
and he was kind enough to bring me.
- How nice.
- Now that you know your way...
...you must drop in often.
- Why, I'd be delighted.
Say, why don't you come
to my house tonight for dinner?
- We'd be glad to.
- That would be lovely.
- Splendid. Shall we say about 7?
- That'll be fine.
- Good.
- Goodbye, and thank you so much.
Oh, that's all right, l...
Oh, door in...
Don't forget, 7.
Suppose you run up
and see how you like your room.
If you don't, we'll change it.
- You must be tired.
- A little.
Why don't you freshen up.
- Your room is the first door to the right.
- Fine.
Did I have the right idea
or did I have the right idea?
I still don't like the idea of
getting the kid mixed-up in this.
I've got it framed
so we'll all be in the clear.
- What cooks?
- We're in. We've just been invited...
...to Hartley's.
- What do you know.
- Oh, yeah, us too?
- No, you lug, just the family...
...but you and Glassman
will be plenty busy.
As soon as I get into the joint,
I'll manage to loosen up...
...one of the dining-room windows.
You and Dutchy, wearing masks, step in
and pull a fake holdup.
The old dame will be wearing
all her cracked ice...
...and we can clean up.
Strip a couple of rings off
Mayme to make it look on the up and up.
- Wait a minute.
- You'll get them back.
And fruit compote and ice cream
for dessert.
Fine, fine. Our neighbors
next door may not be educated...
...to the refinements of modern
food-preparations as we are.
- Yes, sir.
- That'll be all, Mugridge.
Oh, boy, real ice cream.
Look here, young fellow,
I want no nonsense from you...
...while the young lady is here to dinner.
- I won't do a thing, Pop.
There's more food in the kitchen than
there's been in the house in six months.
Well, see that you live up
to that promise.
And anyhow, who was responsible
for her coming to this house?
Who let her in?
Yes, I'm going to take that
up with you later.
Hello. Yes.
Long distance? Washington?
I'm pleased to inform you...
...that the War Department
is interested in your explosive.
They'd like you to come to Washington
as soon as possible.
Splendid. I hoped
that would be your answer...
...when I received your telegram.
Telegram?
Why, we sent no telegram yesterday.
We only took the matter up
with the department this morning.
But I distinctly received a telegram
via Western Union.
You particularly asked me to guard
the invention with my very life.
Just a moment, Mr. Digby.
Ow!
Ouch!
That's all right, Mr. Digby.
The whole matter has been explained.
I'll leave on the first train.
Goodbye.
Hello.
Yes.
Oh, I'm so disappointed.
If it wasn't government business,
I'd wait over until tomorrow.
Do you think you'll be
in Washington long?
Well, I was afraid I might be gone
before you got back.
Why, Mr. Hartley.
No, no, you misunderstood me.
I'll be waiting for your return.
Goodbye and good luck.
No dinner party. Mr. Hartley
has had a call from Washington...
...and he's leaving at midnight.
- Oh, that's too bad...
...now that we've just met him.
I know...
...and I may be gone
before he returns.
Oh, maybe he'll just be gone
for a few days.
- Hey, Dutchy.
- Yeah?
- Hartley's leaving for Washington.
- How do you know?
- He just phoned the kid.
- He's gonna take the explosive.
- Yeah. What are we gonna do about it?
- Washington, huh?
He can't get a train out until late.
Have you got the nerve...
...to crack the joint tonight?
- Sure. What about Charlton?
He didn't see the point, he's out.
We take care of them...
...before we crack Hartley's place.
- Get this bus tuned up...
...we may have to make
a quick getaway.
Will you stop playing that thing.
I've got to get some sleep.
Well, you heard what Mr. Hartley said.
We better stay awake
and guard that bomb...
...or we'll get fired or something.
- Yes, but Mr. Hartley doesn't realize...
...that I didn't get a wink
of sleep last night.
- You know what?
- What?
We could hide the bomb,
then we could both get some sleep.
We could take turns, you could sleep
an hour, then I could sleep an hour.
And if I didn't wake up, I could sleep
an hour and you could sit up...
I understand perfectly.
Well, I'll get the bomb,
and you figure out a place to hide it.
And we won't tell a soul.
- Not a soul.
- Just a moment.
- What?
- On second thought...
...I'll get the bomb,
and you figure out a place to hide it.
Did you figure out a place to hide it?
- Where?
- You told me not to tell anybody.
Oh, it's all right if you and I know.
Well, why didn't you say so?
- Here's a place they'll never find it.
- That's a good idea.
- We'll kill two birds with one stone.
- How do you mean?
They won't be able to find the explosive,
and you can't play that thing.
- Well, good night, Ollie.
- Good night.
- Where are you going?
- I was going to bed, to sleep for an hour.
Oh, now, let's be fair about this thing.
Let's play a hand of poker
to see who sleeps first.
- You mean a gentleman's agreement?
- Absolutely.
- Fine with me, then...
- Hey, hey, hey.
Put that thing down, and be careful.
Now, are you ready?
Cut them.
All right.
One, two, three, four, five.
How many?
Maybe you'd better go to bed first.
Oh, no, we've got to be fair about this.
- All right, give me five cards.
- All right.
That was the worst hand I ever had.
One, two, three, four, five.
You're a little too high and mighty,
a little too patriotic for this.
So we're cutting you out.
That goes for the jewels too,
if we grab them.
I'm gonna get the explosive...
...if I have to conk Hartley over the
head. He's not gonna get away tonight.
The window.
Close the door, lock it and bolt it.
They're coming after you.
- Who's coming?
- My aunt and uncle seem mixed-up...
...with a gang. They've got guns.
They're after something...
...you're taking to Washington.
- Come into the library.
- Oh, you've got to get out of here.
- I don't understand.
Get them up, Hartley.
You too, sister.
- Phone.
- Yeah.
- Where's the explosive?
- But, gentlemen, what explosive?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Yeah?
Maybe we can make you
understand things better upstairs.
Yeah, let's get up there.
- Come on, turn around, get going.
- But, gentlemen...
But, gentlemen, you...
- Where is it?
- In there.
Get going.
Good evening, Mr. Hartley.
Press a button and sit down.
Hey, you, up in the air with them.
Your hands, your hands,
get them up in the air.
Get over there.
The bomb's in there. Keep these
two characters covered while I get it.
Okay, Hartley, show me where it is.
Come on.
Well, where is it?
Here it is.
I don't know whether you know it,
but this is highly explosive.
- It's gone.
- What do you mean?
- It's supposed to be in that case.
- Where is it now?
- I don't know. I can't understand it.
- Back in the other room. Come on.
Get over in the corner there.
Keep them covered, Jim,
while I work on these two guys.
Now, somebody's been monkeying
around with that explosive.
Just who was it?
- Do you know?
- Certainly, I know, l...
- No, I don't. l...
- Yes, you do. Where is it?
Well, he told me not to tell anybody.
Why, I didn't tell you anything
of the kind.
Oh, so you two guys won't talk, huh?
- Sure, we'll talk.
- All right, start talking.
What do you wanna talk about, Ollie?
I don't know.
What do you wanna talk about?
Oh, I don't care. Anything you
wish to talk about is all right with me.
Well, anything you wanna talk about
is all right with me.
- I know, but the gentleman wants to...
- Shut up!
If you don't tell me
where the bomb is...
...I'll plug your friend here so full
of holes he'll look like a Swiss cheese.
Yes, you'd better tell him.
All right. It's in the...
- It's in the closet. I'll show you now.
- That's more like it.
- It's right in here.
- Oh, no you don't.
Wise guy, huh? Wanna grab the bomb
and pull a fast one?
Bust the lock.
Open this door
or I'll shoot out the lock.
No, you don't. We've got the bomb here
and we'll blow you to smithereens.
- Where is it?
- I put it in the concertina.
Splendid work, gentlemen.
Now, I want you boys to take this bomb
to Washington on the next train.
Hurry, you haven't much time.
As soon as you've packed,
come downstairs. I'll have the car.
- At your service.
- Right away.
- Get the suitcase.
- Where is it?
- In the closet.
- I'll go get it right...
No, I forgot.
I put it under the bed.
The trunk.
Just a minute, boys,
you may need some...
Be careful of that bomb.
Oh, you don't have to worry.
That's a dummy bomb.
- You mean, it won't explode?
- Absolutely not.
I've got the real bomb
and I'm taking it to Washington myself.
- That's certainly a relief to us.
- Here's some expense money.
- Thank you. Here.
- The gang will follow you.
- How do you know?
- That's why I talked so loudly upstairs.
Lead them a merry chase.
I'll meet you at the War Department.
- Okay.
- Goodbye and good luck.
Goodbye.
It worked.
Now they'll chase after the detectives.
- Good.
- Come with me.
Hey, don't look now, but I just saw
a car pull out of the Charlton driveway.
They're following us, I think.
Yeah, we fooled them,
just like Mr. Hartley said we would.
- Are they still following us?
- Yeah.
Why don't you turn the next corner...
...and we'll ditch them.
- All right.
Get that thing off of me.
I don't know what to say.
I feel I'm responsible for all this.
Oh, nonsense. I've known some gang
was after my invention for months...
...but I didn't expect them
from next door.
- Well, where is the real bomb?
- Here.
I'll show it to you.
I call it the Big Noise.
I only hope the boys make the train.
Don't touch it!
Great suffering Christopher.
I've given them the real bomb.
Oh, I've got to get to them.
Hello, operator...
Oh, they've pulled the cord.
I'll wire them at Ashton Forks.
They change there.
If it isn't too late.
- Oh, they could blow up the whole train.
- You said it. Come on.
We lost them.
They gotta make a change at Ashton
Forks. Can we beat the train there?
I think we can.
I know a shortcut.
Here is your berth, gentlemen.
You change at Ashton Forks.
Shh. Shh.
Quiet.
Good night, gentlemen.
Good night.
Shh.
- People are asleep in here.
- Oh, I didn't...
- You get in.
- No, no.
Shh.
Hey, give me a lift.
Be careful, now.
I think you ripped your pants.
People are sleeping.
Quiet!
Shh.
Hey, you got my foot in...
Stop that music! What do
you think this is, a hit parade?
Say, you're on my side.
Do you know what?
I forgot to fill the hot-water bottle.
Do you mind if l...?
Got it here someplace.
There it is. Wait till I get...
Wait till I get my hat.
There we are.
There we are. There.
- What are you wearing a hat for?
- Well, you never know...
...who you might meet.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me, will you?
Get over.
Take it easy, now. I'll be right back.
Will you lie quiet
and let me get some sleep.
Won't you please have
a little consideration for me.
- What did you say?
- I said, won't you please...
I beg your pardon,
but you're in the wrong berth.
Well, you are?
Well, think nothing of it, pal.
You just stay here
and make yourself to home...
...because in these days of sacrifice,
one must share and share alike.
Say, you gotta get out of here.
I've gotta have some room to sleep.
I've got to get to slee...
I beg your pardon, I have a priority.
Oh, well, that's different.
Move over. I didn't know that.
Move over, let the gentleman in.
He's tired.
Excuse me, will you.
Make myself comfortable here.
Oh, dear.
Say, is this all one person?
- I beg your pardon.
- Granted.
Stuffy in here, isn't it?
- Do you boys mind if I smoke?
- I don't care if you burn up.
Thank you.
How...? How far are you boys going?
We're going to Washington.
Oh, I wouldn't go to Washington.
- Why?
- It's too crowded.
Gee, it must be terrible.
The next stop is Ashton Forks.
Change here for Washington.
Next stop, Ashton Forks.
Change here for Washington.
- That's where we get off.
- Here.
- Give me my pants.
- Here's your shirt.
- Where's your pants?
- I think we're...
Yeah, I don't...
Pardon me.
- How did I get over here?
- Move over, won't you?
Move over?
For goodness sake.
- What time is it?
- Six-fifteen.
- Have you got everything?
- Yeah.
Say, we can't get off the train like this.
Now, don't get excited,
we'll dress in the depot.
- Telegram for Mr. Hardy.
- Yes, sir, right here. Thank you.
I wonder what this can be.
Oh!
- What's the matter?
- It's a telegram from Mr. Hartley.
- It says we've got the real bomb.
- What?
Pick that up
and be careful with it. Come on.
- Goodbye, old pal.
- Goodbye!
- Good luck on your journey.
- Goodbye.
Goodbye, goodbye.
Pardon me, sir.
Pardon us, sir, could you tell us
how long we have to wait...
...for the train for Washington?
- That's pretty hard to say, mister.
- Up to now, she's nine hours late.
- Nine hours late?
Well, I'm afraid we can't wait that long.
Is there any other method
of transportation?
You see, we've got to get to Washington
on a very important mission.
Well, there's an airfield
down the road apiece.
Apiece?
What do you mean, apiece?
- Oh, about 18 miles.
- Eighteen miles.
Oh, I know what he means.
It's eighteen miles,
but it's only nine miles apiece.
- See, "Down the road apiece."
- Oh, thank you...
Apiece.
Look.
The station agent was right.
We're sure in luck.
Here, put these glasses on.
Oh, yeah.
- Come on, Stanley.
- Thank you, sir.
This is awfully nice of you gentlemen.
- We certainly do appreciate it.
- Yes.
- Come, Stanley.
- All right.
That's fine.
Where's that bomb?
- What bomb?
- We haven't got any bomb.
Don't give me that. We heard Hartley tell
you to take that bomb to Washington.
- We been following you all night.
- We haven't slept a wink.
Well, neither did we. A fellow got
on the train with a priority and we...
- Search the suitcase.
- Give me that suitcase.
Ah, it's not in here.
Where's that bomb?
- I'm sure glad you got here, officer.
- I'll bet you are. Where's the fire?
- We weren't speeding, officer.
- Oh, no?
Don't you believe him, officer.
He's been going 100 miles an hour
for the past 50 miles.
Why, he was going so fast
that we were scared out of our wits.
We tried to get him to slow down,
but he wouldn't do it, would he?
- No, sir.
- Aren't you members of this party?
No, sir. They picked us up
down the road.
- Oh, hitchhikers, eh?
- Yes, sir.
- Then get out and hike.
- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you very much, officer. Goodbye.
You out-of-state drivers
think you can go hog-wild?
Never mind the lecture. Give me
a ticket and let's get on our way.
Don't get fresh, or I'll take you to the
sheriff's office. Let me see your license.
- You know what?
- What?
- Look out.
- We forgot to tell the officer...
...that they were a couple of crooks.
- That's right. We'll go back and tell him.
We certainly will.
We'll tell him everything.
Here he comes now.
Well, there's no place
to hide around here.
- How about the plane?
- Good. Come on.
Now, men, you're going to have an
unusual opportunity for target practice...
...under circumstances
equivalent to actual warfare.
At a deserted airfield,
about two miles away...
...there is an obsolete plane equipped
with radio control and a robot plane.
It will be flown
directly over this battery...
...and you will attempt
to blow it out of the sky.
All right, sergeant, start the plane.
Bring it along the coastline...
...and over the ocean.
Well, they're not around here.
Maybe they're in that plane.
- What happened?
- I don't know.
What will we do?
You think up your idea.
I'm busy with my own.
Here, you better take this up there.
Keep it there.
I don't want it.
And be careful with it.
Stand by.
- What was that?
- It must be the crooks shooting at us.
- Ollie.
- What?
Do something
and get us down to earth.
I don't know what to do. I've never been
up in an aeroplane before in my life.
- Ollie.
- What?
- Press a button.
- All right, I'll try it.
What in blazes is going on?
- Sure you wired the controls properly?
- Yes, sir.
- I wish we had a parachute.
- I've got one.
Look around and see
if you can find one.
- Is this it?
- Yes.
- What do I do now?
- Jump with it.
- Goodbye, Ollie.
- Goodbye.
No, no. Put it on and then jump.
- Bring it back, sergeant.
- Yes, sir.
And this time, men, I wanna see
that plane blown to bits.
There goes the left wing.
- There goes the tail.
- Hey, we'd better get out of here.
Don't forget the bomb and be careful.
Cease firing. Cease firing.
This is the plan of the enemy submarine
nest in the harbor...
...and the narrow seaway between them.
Hey, Stan, there's an enemy
submarine down there.
Drop the bomb on it.
A direct hit.
- Hartley again.
That fellow from Los Angeles
wants to register another invention.
- What is it this time?
- It's an explosive.
Says it'll make a 2000-pound
blockbuster...
...sound like a popgun.
- Well, that's more sensible...
...than most of his ideas.
- Yes.
Take a look at these.
All Hartley inventions.
And we practically have a whole room
in the storehouse devoted to his models.
This is the first one. A mask to be used
while eating grapefruit.
And get this one.
This is a dilly.
A motorized toothbrush,
guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Oh, you're taking him too seriously.
Well, I'm going to take
his bomb idea...
...up with the chief
of the Ordnance Department.
What have you got that fan on for?
- Turn it off.
- Oh, I'm feeling fine.
The fan. Turn it off.
The...
Now you've ruined
a whole morning's work.
- I'm sorry, son. What's eating you?
- lf you want to know the truth, Father...
...I'm annoyed.
I haven't heard from the government.
Maybe Washington's tired
of hearing from Hartley.
- There's a war on.
But that's just the point.
My invention would shorten the war
by months, maybe years.
The government should welcome it
with open arms.
I'm 4-F, this is the only way
that I can contribute to the war effort...
...and do something for my country.
- My boy, I honor you for it.
Well do I remember the charge
up San Juan Hill.
Into the Valley of Death
go the 600.
- My sacroiliac.
- Oh, you should be more careful.
And your history is bad.
That's my private phone.
I wonder who that can be.
- Hello.
Western Union calling.
Western Union?
We have a message
for Mr. Alva P. Hartley.
- Is he there?
- Yes?
The message is from Washington...
...and is signed,
"Paterson, director of Patent Office."
Yes, yes, go on.
Very much interested
in your invention.
War Department says
it has great possibilities.
Guard it with your life.
Forward all details and formula...
...and samples,
as soon as tests are completed.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
My explosive. They've even taken
the matter up...
...with the War Department.
Probably chief of Ordnance.
- Spies, enemy spies.
- Yes.
And they said I was to protect
this invention with my very life.
Detectives, that's the ticket. I must have
someone to guard this every minute...
...until I can get it off to Washington.
Let me see, detective agency...
- Come in.
- It's the telephone.
Never mind, I'll answer it.
Hello. Jones Detective Agency.
What?
I'm sorry, sir,
but I can't understand a word you...
Will you stop that noise?
- I never said a word.
- Well, cut that machine off.
- Not you, sir. No, sir.
- I have something of great importance...
...in my possession
which must be guarded night and day.
- I want two of your best men at once.
- I'm sorry sir, that will be impossible.
You see, our manager's in Sacramento
with a habeas corpus.
And all of our best detectives,
who are not in the armed forces...
...are busy guarding
government property.
But this is a government matter. In fact,
it has been suggested by Washington...
...that I take these precautions.
It will only be for a few days.
Money is no object.
And the men will be treated
like members of the family.
Pleasant surroundings, best of food.
Well, sir, you're in luck.
I'm happy to inform you
that two of our best detectives...
...have just entered the office.
And I'll send them right over.
- Where to?
- 32 Elm Road.
32 Elm Road.
I'll send them over immediately.
Goodbye.
- What two detectives entered the office?
- You and me.
Stanley, this is our opportunity.
We took this job as janitors...
...to become detectives, didn't we?
We've been going to night school...
...studying for eight months
to be detectives, haven't we?
- You wanna be a detective, don't you?
- Sure, but I don't think I'll make it.
- Why not?
- Well, you see, l...
I don't know what that word,
"habeas corpus" means.
Habeas cor...
Why, Habeas Corpus is a name
of a town in Texas.
In Texas? Well, what's the boss doing
up in Sacramento...
...when Habeas Corpus is in Texas?
Oh, now, don't bother about that.
You run over to the room...
...and pack some of our things.
- We're gonna be on this job a long time.
- That ought to settle things.
That's the biggest agency in town.
Oh, Aunt Sophie...
...the smartest detectives
are coming to guard my invention.
They'll stay here,
so make all the arrangements.
- Are they young and good-looking?
- How the dickens should I know?
Men. That's all you ever think about.
A person would think...
...a woman who had had five husbands
would take a little rest.
- And they were good husbands too.
- Yes, and they're all dead.
- What did he say the address was?
- 32 Elm Road.
Are you sure we're on the right street?
All you've gotta do
is read the street sign.
- What does it say?
- I can't read it. I haven't got my glasses.
- Here, hold this. I'll climb up and I'll see.
- Never mind, I'll climb up.
You couldn't read it if you got up there,
glasses or no glasses.
Give me a lift.
Hey, Ollie,
you don't have to bother now.
This is the right street, all right.
It says so on the curb.
- What happened?
- We won't go into that.
Oh, well, if you don't want to tell me,
we'll just skip it.
I don't c...
Oh, look, there's 32.
We were right here.
Isn't that silly?
You don't just walk
into places like this.
They can't hear you knocking.
Here, you talk into this.
- Hello.
- Oh, you've got to blow into it first.
Beware.
Disaster befalls all who enter
these dread portals.
- What did you say?
- I didn't say anything.
Why, I'm positive
I heard you say something.
- Maybe I was talking to myself.
- Well, shut up and come on.
Come on.
I'll ring.
- Why can't I ring?
- All right, go ahead and ring.
You never think I can do anything.
- Doesn't ring.
- Well, knock.
Come in.
When you knock,
you don't say, "Come in."
- The man inside says, "Come in."
- But I didn't knock.
What do you mean you didn't knock?
I distinctly heard you knock.
- l...
- Oh, get out of the way, I'll do it.
- See?
- Don't point, it's rude.
How do you do, sir?
I'm Mr. Hardy,
from the Jones Detective Agency...
...and this is my colleague, Mr. Laurel.
Hey.
Oh, yes, yes, certainly.
Come on in.
Thank you. Come, Stanley.
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
- What happened?
- Why, I tripped over the valise...
...coming through the door.
- What for?
Well, I couldn't get my foot...
Oh, never mind what for.
- Well, here we are.
- At your service.
I was just hanging a picture.
I'll explain your duties...
...to you later, gentlemen. Excuse me.
- Yes, sir.
Come in.
- My, what a beautiful picture.
- Yes, that cost a lot of money.
- It's a Van Dyck.
- A what?
Van Dyck.
You know what a Van Dyck is?
Oh, yeah, my uncle had one,
but he had to have it shaved off.
- You see it got...
- Shh.
- What?
- Van Dyck was a painter, not a beard.
By the way, what happened to you?
Oh, I had a slight accident
with some paint on our way over.
- I can't get it off.
- Oh, that's nothing.
I'll have that off for you in a jiffy.
- Stand over there, please.
- Yes, sir.
The Hartley Little-Gem Paint-Remover.
One of my many inventions.
I was getting it ready
to send to Washington.
Now, let's see, this knob. That's it.
- Now, don't be frightened.
- No.
Now, there, you'd hardly know
there had been a spot on it.
Gee, that's swell.
That's a wonderful machine.
- Yes, it works both ways.
- Is that so?
You know, necessity is the mo...
My Van Dyck.
Turn it off.
My Van Dyck.
Do you realize
you've ruined my beautiful picture?
The Height of Spring.
Oh, what am I going to do?
You could change the name on it.
You could call it The Depth of Winter.
- That would be a good...
- Mr. Hartley, just what are our duties?
- Come with me.
- Yes, sir.
Bring the bag.
This is my prize possession.
Gentlemen, you are looking
at what I consider...
...the most powerful explosive
in the world today.
- I call it the Big Noise.
- Why?
Because, properly detonated,
it would blow up this entire city.
What do you want us to do with it?
I don't want you to do anything with it,
except to guard it with your lives.
The utmost secrecy must be observed.
If the wrong people learned
what I have in mind...
...and it was discovered, it might
alter the whole course of the war.
Don't worry, Mr. Hartley...
...we'll guard it, even with his life.
- We certainly will.
Good. Now that you gentlemen
know your duties...
...I'll show you to your quarters.
- Thank you.
What's the matter, don't you feel well?
Oh, just another one of my dizzy spells.
Excuse me.
That did it.
I feel much better now.
This is another one of my inventions.
- You know what?
- What?
I've got a clue.
I think Mr. Hartley
is just a little bit cracked.
Well, I ought to know.
All inventors are like that,
they are eccentric.
They're not like you and me.
They're different.
- How do you mean?
- They are just a little bit twisted.
Twisted?
This way, gentlemen.
Now, this is where you sleep.
On the floor?
Oh, I forgot to explain.
This is another one of my inventions.
This is the house of tomorrow.
Five rooms in one,
with every modern convenience.
Your beds.
Step back, gentlemen.
Your washbasin.
Your shower.
And last, but not least...
...your table.
There you are, gentlemen.
All the comforts of home
in a minimum of space.
Very ingenious.
This is your entrance,
and here's your key.
Be sure and keep it locked at all times.
- Oh, oh, Mr. Hartley.
- Yes?
In case you should need us at any time...
...you just blow this whistle...
...and we'll be at your service.
Thank you.
Well, make yourselves at home, boys.
If you care to wash and brush up,
dinner won't be ready for 20 minutes.
Say, there's no soap.
Oh, yes, there is.
The soap is in the water.
- Where you been?
- I got tired of sitting around...
...so I went over.
- Over there?
Wait until I tell you.
The old lady's jewels are peanuts.
That guy's got an explosive
worth a million bucks.
- What do we want with an explosive?
- lf we got ahold of it...
...we could sell it
to some foreign government.
Hey, wait a minute, haven't you guys
got any patriotism?
- That's right, honey.
- So what?
All I'm interested in
is the necklace the old dame bought...
...in New York two years ago.
- The sparklers, that's another 50 grand.
All we've gotta do
is figure some way to get in.
We've been sitting around for a week,
spend a lot of dough...
...but how far are we along now?
- Nowhere.
- I'm tired of this racket.
- We gotta make Hartley's acquaintance...
...in legitimate fashion. That's the only
way we'll get into the place.
- Who's that?
- How should I know?
Go into your butler act,
answer the door.
- Yes?
- Telegram for Miss Charlton.
- Sign here, please.
- Yes.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- It's for you, Mayme.
- For me?
Yeah, your creditors are catching up
with you.
- Holy mackerel.
- What?
My niece. She's coming for a visit and
wants to know if she can stay with us.
I've gotta head her off. I can't let her
walk into a layout like this.
- The kid's on the level.
- Hey, wait a minute.
- She's a pretty girl, isn't she?
- She's the beauty of the family.
This is our card of introduction.
Hartley's a cinch
to fall for a pretty girl.
- Let her come.
- No, I'm not gonna get her...
...mixed-up in this.
- There's no reason...
...why the girl should ever get wise.
Go ahead, wire her to come.
- Oh, well, go ahead, shake it up.
- Oh, all right.
And when the kid does get here,
I want you two to mind your language.
- I don't think it's such a good idea.
- What have you got to think with?
And Mrs. Sophie Manners...
...sister of my deceased wife.
- How do you do?
Well, now that we all know
one another...
...shall we have something to eat?
- That's a very good idea, I'm famished.
- I'm hungry too.
- Good.
We'll start with the turkey.
This is one of my own little inventions,
everything desiccated and dehydrated.
No standing over a hot stove
for hours, no spoilage of food...
...no dirty pots and pans...
No washing dishes all evening long.
A housekeeper's paradise.
Will you have white meat
or dark meat?
- I'd like white meat, please.
- Fine.
Pardon me, I said, white meat.
Oh, how stupid.
Brussels sprouts...
...carrots, mashed potatoes.
- No gravy, please.
Very well, here we are.
Now, Mr. Laurel, what will you have,
white meat or dark meat?
- I'll go for the whole works.
- Splendid.
Don't be so greedy.
Could...? Could I have a second joint?
Oh, of course, of course.
There we are. Brussels sprouts,
carrots, mashed potatoes.
There we are.
What, no cranberry sauce?
Oh, how forgetful of me.
I suppose you'll have hash
tomorrow night.
Oh, that's already taken care of.
Won't you please sit down, gentlemen,
and eat the turkey before it gets cold.
Thank you.
There we are. Brussels sprouts...
...carrots, mashed potatoes.
Could I have a napkin?
Brussels sprouts, carrots,
mashed potatoes.
Here you are, Junior.
- Gee, a neck, as usual.
- You must have your vitamins.
Are you kidding?
I'm capsule-happy now.
Don't wipe your gravy on me.
I don't like sprouts.
The mashed potatoes are good.
Idaho.
- Do you mind if I sit with you, boys?
- Why, it's our pleasure.
Move over, Stanley.
Move over.
Sit right down.
- Are you on a diet?
- I have to watch my girlish figure.
I got a bone stuck in my throat.
You should be more careful.
Don't bolt your food, Grandpa.
Good thing it wasn't the drumstick.
He always does that,
especially when we have fish.
Could I have another second front...?
Joint?
Don't eat too much,
better leave room for dessert.
- Have one, Stanley.
- What are they?
- Bicarbonate.
- Thank you, Ollie.
- Excuse me.
- Not at all.
- That's quite all right, Stanley.
- Thank you, Ollie.
- Demitasse?
- Thank you.
- Could I have mine in a mug?
- I beg your pardon.
A mug, M-U "ug," mug.
And bring me a toothpick.
- I'm glad you enjoyed your dinner.
- It was delicious. I'm stuffed.
I bet the hash will be
good tomorrow night.
You have a surprise in store for you.
Tomorrow night, we're going to have
a suckling pig with all the trimmings.
- With an apple in its mouth?
- Definitely.
Make yourselves at home.
I have a little work to do
before we get started...
...so you'll excuse me.
- Yeah.
Don't forget, if you need us,
blow the whistle.
- I won't.
- Good night.
- Goodbye. Good night.
- Good night.
Oh, Mr. Hardy,
you look so much like Romeo.
Do you know, Mr. Hardy...
...you remind me so much
of my dear departed husband.
Really?
- Would you like to see my album?
- We'd love to.
What?
Two is company.
Oh, Mr. Hardy,
you just beam with personality.
Now, this was my first husband,
Ebenezer.
One day, he spilled rum on
his whiskers...
...lit a cigar and that was the end
of Ebenezer.
And this was Henry.
I took him for a long walk
on a short pier and he never came up.
Sunk?
- He gave me these.
- Oh.
You're a detective, ain't you?
Better tell the big fellow to
watch out, she's got her eyes on him.
I know the signs, she's out
to make him the sixth.
- The sixth what?
- Sixth husband.
They all died strange deaths.
I took them all
for better or for worse.
- But not for long.
- No.
Take my advice and break it up
before it's too late.
I'll break it up right now.
Listen, you've got
to break this thing...
Pardon me. Me first.
Excuse me.
- At your service.
- But, gentlemen, I didn't whistle.
I'm sorry, sir, but l...
I distinctly heard you myself.
Oh, I'm afraid you boys
have eaten too much turkey.
You had better retire
to your room and relax.
I'm a very busy man...
...I'm working on an aeroplane
that requires no wings.
How does it fly?
That's just what I'm working on.
Good night.
He must have given me
the wrong key.
- Let me try it now. Maybe I can fix it.
- All right.
That's got it.
It's stuck.
Maybe you better take your pants off.
See, I can't get...
Come in.
Thank you.
Now that you got your pants off,
maybe you ought to go to bed.
Unpack the suitcase.
Now, what did you wanna bring
these for?
Well, I thought maybe we might want
to go out for a walk on Sunday...
...and I thought we'd better look
well-dressed.
And you know
what else the old man said?
Every time she walks in her sleep,
that's the tiptop.
Not tiptop, tip-off.
And furthermore, the old man doesn't
know what he's talking about.
I'll take care of my own...
And ano...
See, she's looking for you.
What will we do?
Sophie, wake up! Help!
What on earth is going on
around this house?
Sophie, you...
Where on earth am I?
You... You might have wrecked
the whole town if you had dropped this.
Where are those detectives?
- At your service.
- I thought I engaged you gentlemen...
...to guard this explosive.
- That's what we're trying to do, sir.
- We haven't left the room for a minute.
- Not very much protection.
I find a sleepwalker
roaming the house with it.
Do you think he's mad at us?
- Slightly.
- lf anything like this happens again...
...you'll both be discharged, understand?
- Yes, sir.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Maybe from now we'd better sleep
with one eye open.
- I've got a better idea.
- What?
We'll take turns.
I'll sleep for an hour,
and you sit up for an hour.
Then I'll sleep for an hour,
and you sit up for an hour.
Then I'll sleep for an hour,
and you sit up an hour.
That's a good idea.
You sure can figure things out,
Ollie...
...you certainly can.
- Now, don't forget to wake me up.
- I won't.
- Good night.
- Good... Get up out of that.
I'll sleep the first hour.
Would you mind turning out the light.
Oh, Stan, get me out of here.
Get away from there and come here.
I thought I told you to turn
out the lights.
Well, I tried every button,
but the light wouldn't go out.
How many times have I told you,
"If at first you don't succeed...
...try, try again"?
- There's the light button. Why...
- No, just a minute.
I'll turn out the lights.
At your service.
I'm going to make a very
important test of this bomb...
...and I want you two to take a
photograph of the result of the explosion.
- Where's the camera?
- Out in the car.
Well, let's go.
- I'll handle this.
- Yes.
Come on.
That's deep enough.
Now cover it up, but be very cautious.
No, no, don't do that.
Oh, you must be more careful, you might
have blown us all to kingdom come.
We've got to go a good distance away
in order to be safe.
That's going to make a terrific explosion.
- What about the other people here?
- There isn't anyone within 20 miles.
Come on.
Oh, by the way, gentlemen...
...if you'll just put these
in your ears, it'll lessen the concussion.
In fact, with these you won't be able
to hear a thing.
- You couldn't even hear a pin drop.
- Gee, that's wonderful.
- Another of your inventions?
- Oh, yes, indeed.
- Why don't you patent it?
- Oh, I intend to...
...the moment I get around to it.
- He's going to patent it soon as he gets...
- I heard what he said.
How could you hear what he said?
I haven't even heard a pin drop.
Well, if it's all the same to you,
Mr. Hartley, I'd rather hear the explosion.
If you'll just center the camera
on the side of that hill...
...I wanna see
how much damage this will do.
- Yes, sir.
- Wait till I get my field glasses.
Will you get from in front of the camera?
Go sit down someplace.
Well, l...
Stan, do something to help me.
Get this thing off of my head.
This is number 34.
Fine. Drive right in.
Here, I'll take it.
Well, how do you do?
- Just set them down, thank you.
- Okay.
And where's Auntie?
Aged squaw gone down to bank
to get more money.
- And who are you?
- Me Big Chief Rain-in-the-Face.
Delighted to meet you, Big Chief.
My name is Evelyn.
How.
Where's Uncle Big Chief?
Big Chief no ketchum uncle.
Big Chief ketchum father
and grandpa, no uncle.
- How do you do?
- Hello.
- Hello.
- I'm Evelyn.
I'm afraid I don't quite understand.
- Oh, I'm looking for Mrs. Charlton.
- Oh, she lives next door.
- She's supposed to live at 34 Elm Road.
- But, this is 32.
But the sign outside said 34,
and the sign next door said 32.
Oh, that must be Egbert's doing.
Where is he?
- He was here a moment ago.
- You mean, Big Chief?
- Yeah.
- I think he went upstairs.
Oh, well, I'll talk to him later.
May I escort you to the Charlton's home,
Miss Evelyn?
Oh, that's very kind of you.
Let's go, sister.
Oh, no, no, boys. She's a friend.
Oh, pleased to meet you.
The bags, carry them next door
to Mrs. Charlton's.
Come, Miss Evelyn.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
The bags.
Good heavens. Here comes that kid,
Evelyn, and she's got Hartley in tow.
Dutchy, scram.
Put on your coat and answer the door.
Step right in.
I haven't seen my aunt
for a long time.
Mm-hm.
- That will be all, gentlemen, thank you.
- Thank you.
Sorry.
- Oh, Evelyn, I'm so glad to see you.
- Auntie. Hello.
- Evelyn, how are you?
- Hello.
Oh, this is Mr. Hartley,
your neighbor.
- May I present Mr. and Mrs. Charlton.
- How do you do?
- This is indeed a great pleasure.
- Thank you.
I went to Mr. Hartley's by mistake
and he was kind enough to bring me.
- How nice.
- Now that you know your way...
...you must drop in often.
- Why, I'd be delighted.
Say, why don't you come
to my house tonight for dinner?
- We'd be glad to.
- That would be lovely.
- Splendid. Shall we say about 7?
- That'll be fine.
- Good.
- Goodbye, and thank you so much.
Oh, that's all right, l...
Oh, door in...
Don't forget, 7.
Suppose you run up
and see how you like your room.
If you don't, we'll change it.
- You must be tired.
- A little.
Why don't you freshen up.
- Your room is the first door to the right.
- Fine.
Did I have the right idea
or did I have the right idea?
I still don't like the idea of
getting the kid mixed-up in this.
I've got it framed
so we'll all be in the clear.
- What cooks?
- We're in. We've just been invited...
...to Hartley's.
- What do you know.
- Oh, yeah, us too?
- No, you lug, just the family...
...but you and Glassman
will be plenty busy.
As soon as I get into the joint,
I'll manage to loosen up...
...one of the dining-room windows.
You and Dutchy, wearing masks, step in
and pull a fake holdup.
The old dame will be wearing
all her cracked ice...
...and we can clean up.
Strip a couple of rings off
Mayme to make it look on the up and up.
- Wait a minute.
- You'll get them back.
And fruit compote and ice cream
for dessert.
Fine, fine. Our neighbors
next door may not be educated...
...to the refinements of modern
food-preparations as we are.
- Yes, sir.
- That'll be all, Mugridge.
Oh, boy, real ice cream.
Look here, young fellow,
I want no nonsense from you...
...while the young lady is here to dinner.
- I won't do a thing, Pop.
There's more food in the kitchen than
there's been in the house in six months.
Well, see that you live up
to that promise.
And anyhow, who was responsible
for her coming to this house?
Who let her in?
Yes, I'm going to take that
up with you later.
Hello. Yes.
Long distance? Washington?
I'm pleased to inform you...
...that the War Department
is interested in your explosive.
They'd like you to come to Washington
as soon as possible.
Splendid. I hoped
that would be your answer...
...when I received your telegram.
Telegram?
Why, we sent no telegram yesterday.
We only took the matter up
with the department this morning.
But I distinctly received a telegram
via Western Union.
You particularly asked me to guard
the invention with my very life.
Just a moment, Mr. Digby.
Ow!
Ouch!
That's all right, Mr. Digby.
The whole matter has been explained.
I'll leave on the first train.
Goodbye.
Hello.
Yes.
Oh, I'm so disappointed.
If it wasn't government business,
I'd wait over until tomorrow.
Do you think you'll be
in Washington long?
Well, I was afraid I might be gone
before you got back.
Why, Mr. Hartley.
No, no, you misunderstood me.
I'll be waiting for your return.
Goodbye and good luck.
No dinner party. Mr. Hartley
has had a call from Washington...
...and he's leaving at midnight.
- Oh, that's too bad...
...now that we've just met him.
I know...
...and I may be gone
before he returns.
Oh, maybe he'll just be gone
for a few days.
- Hey, Dutchy.
- Yeah?
- Hartley's leaving for Washington.
- How do you know?
- He just phoned the kid.
- He's gonna take the explosive.
- Yeah. What are we gonna do about it?
- Washington, huh?
He can't get a train out until late.
Have you got the nerve...
...to crack the joint tonight?
- Sure. What about Charlton?
He didn't see the point, he's out.
We take care of them...
...before we crack Hartley's place.
- Get this bus tuned up...
...we may have to make
a quick getaway.
Will you stop playing that thing.
I've got to get some sleep.
Well, you heard what Mr. Hartley said.
We better stay awake
and guard that bomb...
...or we'll get fired or something.
- Yes, but Mr. Hartley doesn't realize...
...that I didn't get a wink
of sleep last night.
- You know what?
- What?
We could hide the bomb,
then we could both get some sleep.
We could take turns, you could sleep
an hour, then I could sleep an hour.
And if I didn't wake up, I could sleep
an hour and you could sit up...
I understand perfectly.
Well, I'll get the bomb,
and you figure out a place to hide it.
And we won't tell a soul.
- Not a soul.
- Just a moment.
- What?
- On second thought...
...I'll get the bomb,
and you figure out a place to hide it.
Did you figure out a place to hide it?
- Where?
- You told me not to tell anybody.
Oh, it's all right if you and I know.
Well, why didn't you say so?
- Here's a place they'll never find it.
- That's a good idea.
- We'll kill two birds with one stone.
- How do you mean?
They won't be able to find the explosive,
and you can't play that thing.
- Well, good night, Ollie.
- Good night.
- Where are you going?
- I was going to bed, to sleep for an hour.
Oh, now, let's be fair about this thing.
Let's play a hand of poker
to see who sleeps first.
- You mean a gentleman's agreement?
- Absolutely.
- Fine with me, then...
- Hey, hey, hey.
Put that thing down, and be careful.
Now, are you ready?
Cut them.
All right.
One, two, three, four, five.
How many?
Maybe you'd better go to bed first.
Oh, no, we've got to be fair about this.
- All right, give me five cards.
- All right.
That was the worst hand I ever had.
One, two, three, four, five.
You're a little too high and mighty,
a little too patriotic for this.
So we're cutting you out.
That goes for the jewels too,
if we grab them.
I'm gonna get the explosive...
...if I have to conk Hartley over the
head. He's not gonna get away tonight.
The window.
Close the door, lock it and bolt it.
They're coming after you.
- Who's coming?
- My aunt and uncle seem mixed-up...
...with a gang. They've got guns.
They're after something...
...you're taking to Washington.
- Come into the library.
- Oh, you've got to get out of here.
- I don't understand.
Get them up, Hartley.
You too, sister.
- Phone.
- Yeah.
- Where's the explosive?
- But, gentlemen, what explosive?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Yeah?
Maybe we can make you
understand things better upstairs.
Yeah, let's get up there.
- Come on, turn around, get going.
- But, gentlemen...
But, gentlemen, you...
- Where is it?
- In there.
Get going.
Good evening, Mr. Hartley.
Press a button and sit down.
Hey, you, up in the air with them.
Your hands, your hands,
get them up in the air.
Get over there.
The bomb's in there. Keep these
two characters covered while I get it.
Okay, Hartley, show me where it is.
Come on.
Well, where is it?
Here it is.
I don't know whether you know it,
but this is highly explosive.
- It's gone.
- What do you mean?
- It's supposed to be in that case.
- Where is it now?
- I don't know. I can't understand it.
- Back in the other room. Come on.
Get over in the corner there.
Keep them covered, Jim,
while I work on these two guys.
Now, somebody's been monkeying
around with that explosive.
Just who was it?
- Do you know?
- Certainly, I know, l...
- No, I don't. l...
- Yes, you do. Where is it?
Well, he told me not to tell anybody.
Why, I didn't tell you anything
of the kind.
Oh, so you two guys won't talk, huh?
- Sure, we'll talk.
- All right, start talking.
What do you wanna talk about, Ollie?
I don't know.
What do you wanna talk about?
Oh, I don't care. Anything you
wish to talk about is all right with me.
Well, anything you wanna talk about
is all right with me.
- I know, but the gentleman wants to...
- Shut up!
If you don't tell me
where the bomb is...
...I'll plug your friend here so full
of holes he'll look like a Swiss cheese.
Yes, you'd better tell him.
All right. It's in the...
- It's in the closet. I'll show you now.
- That's more like it.
- It's right in here.
- Oh, no you don't.
Wise guy, huh? Wanna grab the bomb
and pull a fast one?
Bust the lock.
Open this door
or I'll shoot out the lock.
No, you don't. We've got the bomb here
and we'll blow you to smithereens.
- Where is it?
- I put it in the concertina.
Splendid work, gentlemen.
Now, I want you boys to take this bomb
to Washington on the next train.
Hurry, you haven't much time.
As soon as you've packed,
come downstairs. I'll have the car.
- At your service.
- Right away.
- Get the suitcase.
- Where is it?
- In the closet.
- I'll go get it right...
No, I forgot.
I put it under the bed.
The trunk.
Just a minute, boys,
you may need some...
Be careful of that bomb.
Oh, you don't have to worry.
That's a dummy bomb.
- You mean, it won't explode?
- Absolutely not.
I've got the real bomb
and I'm taking it to Washington myself.
- That's certainly a relief to us.
- Here's some expense money.
- Thank you. Here.
- The gang will follow you.
- How do you know?
- That's why I talked so loudly upstairs.
Lead them a merry chase.
I'll meet you at the War Department.
- Okay.
- Goodbye and good luck.
Goodbye.
It worked.
Now they'll chase after the detectives.
- Good.
- Come with me.
Hey, don't look now, but I just saw
a car pull out of the Charlton driveway.
They're following us, I think.
Yeah, we fooled them,
just like Mr. Hartley said we would.
- Are they still following us?
- Yeah.
Why don't you turn the next corner...
...and we'll ditch them.
- All right.
Get that thing off of me.
I don't know what to say.
I feel I'm responsible for all this.
Oh, nonsense. I've known some gang
was after my invention for months...
...but I didn't expect them
from next door.
- Well, where is the real bomb?
- Here.
I'll show it to you.
I call it the Big Noise.
I only hope the boys make the train.
Don't touch it!
Great suffering Christopher.
I've given them the real bomb.
Oh, I've got to get to them.
Hello, operator...
Oh, they've pulled the cord.
I'll wire them at Ashton Forks.
They change there.
If it isn't too late.
- Oh, they could blow up the whole train.
- You said it. Come on.
We lost them.
They gotta make a change at Ashton
Forks. Can we beat the train there?
I think we can.
I know a shortcut.
Here is your berth, gentlemen.
You change at Ashton Forks.
Shh. Shh.
Quiet.
Good night, gentlemen.
Good night.
Shh.
- People are asleep in here.
- Oh, I didn't...
- You get in.
- No, no.
Shh.
Hey, give me a lift.
Be careful, now.
I think you ripped your pants.
People are sleeping.
Quiet!
Shh.
Hey, you got my foot in...
Stop that music! What do
you think this is, a hit parade?
Say, you're on my side.
Do you know what?
I forgot to fill the hot-water bottle.
Do you mind if l...?
Got it here someplace.
There it is. Wait till I get...
Wait till I get my hat.
There we are.
There we are. There.
- What are you wearing a hat for?
- Well, you never know...
...who you might meet.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me, will you?
Get over.
Take it easy, now. I'll be right back.
Will you lie quiet
and let me get some sleep.
Won't you please have
a little consideration for me.
- What did you say?
- I said, won't you please...
I beg your pardon,
but you're in the wrong berth.
Well, you are?
Well, think nothing of it, pal.
You just stay here
and make yourself to home...
...because in these days of sacrifice,
one must share and share alike.
Say, you gotta get out of here.
I've gotta have some room to sleep.
I've got to get to slee...
I beg your pardon, I have a priority.
Oh, well, that's different.
Move over. I didn't know that.
Move over, let the gentleman in.
He's tired.
Excuse me, will you.
Make myself comfortable here.
Oh, dear.
Say, is this all one person?
- I beg your pardon.
- Granted.
Stuffy in here, isn't it?
- Do you boys mind if I smoke?
- I don't care if you burn up.
Thank you.
How...? How far are you boys going?
We're going to Washington.
Oh, I wouldn't go to Washington.
- Why?
- It's too crowded.
Gee, it must be terrible.
The next stop is Ashton Forks.
Change here for Washington.
Next stop, Ashton Forks.
Change here for Washington.
- That's where we get off.
- Here.
- Give me my pants.
- Here's your shirt.
- Where's your pants?
- I think we're...
Yeah, I don't...
Pardon me.
- How did I get over here?
- Move over, won't you?
Move over?
For goodness sake.
- What time is it?
- Six-fifteen.
- Have you got everything?
- Yeah.
Say, we can't get off the train like this.
Now, don't get excited,
we'll dress in the depot.
- Telegram for Mr. Hardy.
- Yes, sir, right here. Thank you.
I wonder what this can be.
Oh!
- What's the matter?
- It's a telegram from Mr. Hartley.
- It says we've got the real bomb.
- What?
Pick that up
and be careful with it. Come on.
- Goodbye, old pal.
- Goodbye!
- Good luck on your journey.
- Goodbye.
Goodbye, goodbye.
Pardon me, sir.
Pardon us, sir, could you tell us
how long we have to wait...
...for the train for Washington?
- That's pretty hard to say, mister.
- Up to now, she's nine hours late.
- Nine hours late?
Well, I'm afraid we can't wait that long.
Is there any other method
of transportation?
You see, we've got to get to Washington
on a very important mission.
Well, there's an airfield
down the road apiece.
Apiece?
What do you mean, apiece?
- Oh, about 18 miles.
- Eighteen miles.
Oh, I know what he means.
It's eighteen miles,
but it's only nine miles apiece.
- See, "Down the road apiece."
- Oh, thank you...
Apiece.
Look.
The station agent was right.
We're sure in luck.
Here, put these glasses on.
Oh, yeah.
- Come on, Stanley.
- Thank you, sir.
This is awfully nice of you gentlemen.
- We certainly do appreciate it.
- Yes.
- Come, Stanley.
- All right.
That's fine.
Where's that bomb?
- What bomb?
- We haven't got any bomb.
Don't give me that. We heard Hartley tell
you to take that bomb to Washington.
- We been following you all night.
- We haven't slept a wink.
Well, neither did we. A fellow got
on the train with a priority and we...
- Search the suitcase.
- Give me that suitcase.
Ah, it's not in here.
Where's that bomb?
- I'm sure glad you got here, officer.
- I'll bet you are. Where's the fire?
- We weren't speeding, officer.
- Oh, no?
Don't you believe him, officer.
He's been going 100 miles an hour
for the past 50 miles.
Why, he was going so fast
that we were scared out of our wits.
We tried to get him to slow down,
but he wouldn't do it, would he?
- No, sir.
- Aren't you members of this party?
No, sir. They picked us up
down the road.
- Oh, hitchhikers, eh?
- Yes, sir.
- Then get out and hike.
- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you very much, officer. Goodbye.
You out-of-state drivers
think you can go hog-wild?
Never mind the lecture. Give me
a ticket and let's get on our way.
Don't get fresh, or I'll take you to the
sheriff's office. Let me see your license.
- You know what?
- What?
- Look out.
- We forgot to tell the officer...
...that they were a couple of crooks.
- That's right. We'll go back and tell him.
We certainly will.
We'll tell him everything.
Here he comes now.
Well, there's no place
to hide around here.
- How about the plane?
- Good. Come on.
Now, men, you're going to have an
unusual opportunity for target practice...
...under circumstances
equivalent to actual warfare.
At a deserted airfield,
about two miles away...
...there is an obsolete plane equipped
with radio control and a robot plane.
It will be flown
directly over this battery...
...and you will attempt
to blow it out of the sky.
All right, sergeant, start the plane.
Bring it along the coastline...
...and over the ocean.
Well, they're not around here.
Maybe they're in that plane.
- What happened?
- I don't know.
What will we do?
You think up your idea.
I'm busy with my own.
Here, you better take this up there.
Keep it there.
I don't want it.
And be careful with it.
Stand by.
- What was that?
- It must be the crooks shooting at us.
- Ollie.
- What?
Do something
and get us down to earth.
I don't know what to do. I've never been
up in an aeroplane before in my life.
- Ollie.
- What?
- Press a button.
- All right, I'll try it.
What in blazes is going on?
- Sure you wired the controls properly?
- Yes, sir.
- I wish we had a parachute.
- I've got one.
Look around and see
if you can find one.
- Is this it?
- Yes.
- What do I do now?
- Jump with it.
- Goodbye, Ollie.
- Goodbye.
No, no. Put it on and then jump.
- Bring it back, sergeant.
- Yes, sir.
And this time, men, I wanna see
that plane blown to bits.
There goes the left wing.
- There goes the tail.
- Hey, we'd better get out of here.
Don't forget the bomb and be careful.
Cease firing. Cease firing.
This is the plan of the enemy submarine
nest in the harbor...
...and the narrow seaway between them.
Hey, Stan, there's an enemy
submarine down there.
Drop the bomb on it.
A direct hit.