Bigfoot Exorcist (2024) Movie Script

Dark Lord, hear our plea.
Deliver us thy beast.
Deliver us thy Avenger.
We offer our blood.
Holy Satana, Holy Satana,
Holy Satana, Holy Satana,
Holy Satana, Holy Satana.
Hey, sugar tits.
We thought we'd
keep you company.
The fuck, you will.
Think we ought to go after her?
Hell, yeah.
Holy Satana, Holy Satana,
Holy Satana.
Hey, look at that sign.
You don't believe in Bigfoot?
Are you kidding me?
It's just a scam.
It's always these
blurry pictures
on the internet of, like,
some guy in a monkey suit.
I know, but wouldn't it be
wild if Bigfoot was real?
I'd rather find out
the Tooth Fairy's real.
At least she gives you cash.
Holy Satana, Holy Satana,
Holy Satana, Holy
Satana, Holy Satana.
How can you eat these things?
It's a marshmallow.
It's only the number one
campfire food on the planet.
Yeah, says who?
Well, I don't want it.
They're all sticky and icky.
I'd rather eat a vegan hot dog.
A tofu eater?
Are you kidding me?
You're going to make me barf
all over my nice and toasty
Don't forget sticky.
I can never forget sticky.
Don't you like to get a
little sticky sometimes?
I think we should
get sticky right now.
Just a little bite.
Holy Satana, Holy Satana,
Holy Satana, Holy Satana.
Did I ever tell you about the
time my cat got kidnapped?
One day, I came home from work,
and my cat was just missing.
And there was a
note on the table,
and it said, if you want to
see your cat again, bring
$1,000 in small bills to the
backyard of the Taco Bell
and leave it in the dumpster.
So yeah, so we got the
$1,000, and we took it there,
and we waited to see
who would show up.
It's my fucking mom.
Your mom?
She stole my cat and
then robbed me of $1,000.
What the hell?
That's why I don't
live at home anymore.
Your own mom.
What the fuck was that?
Probably an owl?
Not like any owl
I've ever heard.
Where have you
heard an owl before?
Some nature show or something?
I don't know.
And owls are screamers?
No, they're hooters.
Speaking of.
Seriously, there's
something out there.
Holy Satana, Holy Satana,
Holy Satana, Holy Satana,
Holy Satana, Holy Satana,
Holy Satana, Holy
Satana, Holy Satana.
Holy Satana, Holy Satana,
Holy Satana, Holy Satana,
Holy Satana, Holy Satana.
Blasphemy, seize them!
Hello, Dr. Warbeck.
Well, I keep forgetting
that you nuns have
eyes in the back of your head.
Is there something
you need to tell me?
Straight to business, right?
OK, well, here it is.
We have a girl at the hospital.
Looks like she's been
clawed by a wild animal,
but she keeps talking
about witches, demons.
Sounds right down your alley.
And why do you say that?
Everybody knows about you,
Sister, about that time
you performed that exorcism
on that little girl!
Well, that's what people
are saying it was.
Her mother is running around
telling everyone that you
saved her daughter from demons!
I never speak of
my work, Doctor.
The only counsel I require
is that of our Lord.
Sure, whatever you say, Sister.
Will you please just
come to the hospital?
We need you to
talk to this girl.
I'm ready.
Well, Christ on a
crutch, it's about time.
I think we're going
to need some wine.
We've got a couple of six packs.
I... I think we're good.
When have you ever
seen me drink beer?
I drink wine, ros wine because
it's pretty and pink, like me.
Anyways, that's why I drink it.
Sure, you do.
Look, we're all packed.
Did you save room
for my backpack?
I... I'll make room.
I don't want it squished.
It's not going to get squished.
Careful, you're squishing it!
I'm not squishing it!
I just need to give
it a little push.
A little push?
Like this.
You just did that on purpose.
Baby, if we're going to camp
on Monteagle Mountain tonight,
we need to get up there
before it gets dark
and get settled in.
I... I definitely want to
get sitting in our cabin
before the bears come out.
You didn't tell me
there were going
to be any bears
on that mountain.
Hey, it's a mountain.
Bears love mountains.
You leave them alone,
they'll leave you alone.
Besides, you're
going to be so busy,
you won't even notice them.
And just what will
I be so busy doing?
I think you'll
think of something.
Are you sure you're not doing
the thinking for the both
of us?
What if I am?
I want you to hear
something loud and clear.
If we see one
fucking bear, I don't
care if it's yogi
with a picnic basket,
we're getting in the
car, no arguments,
and we're getting the
fuck off of that mountain.
Crystal clear.
Now, lose the beer, get me a
case of ros, and let's go.
Look at me, I'm Raquel
Welch, and this pterodactyl
is going to take me away
and feed me to its babies.
Rescue me, Claude.
Claude, look how horny
this dinosaur is.
How come you're
never this horny?
Claude, look, Yogi
is my boyfriend.
Babe, babe, there's a 10-foot
grizzly right behind you, and...
oh, shit, what's
that in his mouth?
It's a head.
No, it's two heads!
Oh my god, that's one
fucking hungry grizzly.
You think you're so funny.
Let's see how funny
you are whenever
you're sleeping in
the car tonight,
because I'm not sharing
my nice, warm, cozy cabin
with a smartass.
Now, where's my wine?
Well, actually, I was
thinking about something else.
Uh, I think you really
need something else.
Do I have to spell
it out for you?
I'm sure you're
going to tell me.
Well, what I think you need
is some of that good old,
patented Claude Miles
lovin' all night long.
What do you say about that?
All night long?
I think six minutes
is more likely.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you must
be thinking of some other
guy, because no one accuses
this fellow of
running out of steam.
I think I just did.
Well, we'll see.
I have a feeling
that you're going
to be waking up with
an ear-to-ear grin
on that pouty face of yours.
What do you say about that?
Lucky me.
Well, what do you think?
Oh my god, babe,
this is so awesome!
Oh, it's a rocking chair.
It's so cute, oh my gosh.
Oh, we can have a picnic.
Oh my gosh, you picked
such a great spot!
Oh my goodness,
oh, I'm so excited.
I love it!
So I was thinking maybe we
should move this party inside.
You know, let
bygones be bygones.
What do you say about that?
What's this?
Hm, let me see.
Oh, it's a pentagram.
I saw one of those on
an old Lon Chaney movie.
Well, I like it.
What do you think?
I'm always down
with free jewelry.
You wouldn't say that.
Well, I'm going to go to bed.
If you find any
diamonds laying around,
don't wake me up for
anything less than 10 carats,
and uh, you can unroll your
sleeping bag right here.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, if
you're sleeping in the cabin,
then I'm sleeping in the cabin.
Nuh-uh, newsflash, Mr. Miles,
we're not sleeping together
We're not sleeping together
tomorrow night, probably
not for weeks, not until
you learn to be a little bit
more respectful and...
Oh my god, what was that?
Didn't I mention that?
This is the woods,
darling, and the woods
are filled with wild animals...
vicious, hungry wild animals.
Let's get in the fucking cabin.
Right behind you, babe.
Dear Lord, protect your child.
Please keep her
safe from the Beast.
Keep her in safety,
and grant me the will
to do your work here on Earth.
I thought you'd
be looking for me.
Child, what happened to you?
It was a beast, a giant beast.
He killed my friend.
What was your friend's name?
Her name was Ash.
I will pray for her.
There were others,
men in long robes,
but they must have been demons.
Are you sure?
They must have been.
They wanted the beast
to kill us both.
The devil's servants
summoning a beast from hell.
Take this.
What's this?
The devil won't be
cheated so easily.
Wear it around your neck.
Never take it off,
not even for a second.
Wear it for protection.
Against the legions of hell.
I've seen their kind
before, and this
isn't the first time
Satan's disciples have
summoned a monster.
Three years ago, I
found an innocent man
possessed by Satan's evil.
Half-man, half-beast.
It still haunts me today.
Sir, sir, sir!
You need to come with me.
Come on, it's OK.
You need to come with me.
It's OK.
We brought you this.
What is this place?
Where have you brought me?
This is our communion
of the spirits passed
for our sisters of mercy.
Now, what's happened to me?
There's something
evil inside you.
I sense it, the
Mark of the Devil.
Something happened last night.
It started to change.
I felt like I was turning
into some kind of beast
or something.
That's all I can remember,
with the next thing I remember,
I was looking at you.
These marks on your
arm... were you attacked?
Yeah, by... by a
monster, some kind of...
some kind of Bigfoot.
It tried to kill my wife, and
then I... then I killed it.
And then, it...
it did this to me.
It did more than that.
It cursed you, with the
Mark of Satan's Beast.
The Beast now lives in you.
It came out last night,
and it will again unless...
Unless what?
There's only one hope...
In the name of the Holy Spirit,
in the name of the Sacred
Christ, in the name of
the Father of Creation,
I command you, leave
this mortal shell!
Unclean spirit,
release this man.
In the name of the Holy
Trinity, in the name
of the Mother of Christ, I
pray, cast this demon's spirit.
Release this form!
Release this one from
your evil dominion!
The power of Christ
commands you.
The power of Christ compels you!
Release him.
Be gone!
Leave this mortal shall.
Unclean spirits,
release this man
in the name of the Holy Trinity.
In the name of the
Mother of Christ,
I pray, cast out
this demon spirit.
Release this one from
your evil dominion.
The power of Christ
commands you!
The power of Christ compels you!
The power of Christ
commands you.
The power of Christ compels you.
Release him!
Be gone!
Obey the power of God.
You will obey!
Oh, god, help us all!
You're going to
need a bigger cross!
You asked to see
me, Mother Superior?
Yes, Sister, I was just
speaking to the police.
The police?
Yes, about the death of
your assistant, Sister Jean.
Ah, yes, Sister
Jean, such a tragedy.
I gave them my statement, but
of course, I wasn't a witness.
I didn't see Sister
Jean die, but you did.
Yes, it was a nightmare,
something I'll never forget.
I should think not,
since it was you
who caused Sister Jean's death.
But Sister Jean was
killed by a man that
was possessed by demonic evil.
Which you attempted
to exorcise in clear defiance
of the Holy Mother Church.
That's not true.
Isn't it?
You know perfectly well
the holy rite of exorcism
must be sanctioned
by the Vatican,
something you
conveniently overlooked.
There wasn't time.
That man was a
tormented soul that
had a demon inside of him that
unleashed a beast, a beast that
needs to kill.
And thanks to you, that
so-called beast did kill.
It killed our own Sister Jean,
who faithfully served our order
with humility and wisdom.
But you corrupted her.
You forced her to participate
in a reckless exorcism
with no real proof
of possession.
But I saw it!
I saw that man turn into
this inhuman creature right
before my eyes.
How convenient for you,
Sister, all the better to lay
the blame for your recklessness
on some imaginary creature.
Let me be very clear.
Sister Jean is dead
because of your actions,
and I intend to recommend
No, you can't.
I can, and I will.
For now, you are to be
confined to your quarters.
That beast is still loose.
There's no telling how
many more it will kill.
I have to stop it.
This is no longer a matter
of your concern, Sister.
I can feel God's
power in my hands.
I have God's power
to cast out demons,
and I intend to use that
power to stop that beast,
no matter what you say.
Sister, you will obey me!
Hey, babe, I'm
going to go jogging.
OK, great.
Uh, how long do you
think you'll be gone for?
I don't know, like,
three or four hours.
Three or four hours?
Yeah, I ate two
lobsters last night,
so I have to go jog them off.
OK, well, fine.
Be safe.
I love you.
Hello, neighbor.
I'm in one of the cabins
down the way, the brown one.
I think they're all brown.
You noticed that too?
We have so much in common.
Can I come in?
Uh, sure, uh, I guess.
Cute, you got the small one.
We like it.
Does that mean you
have a girlfriend?
It's... yeah, she's
gone jogging right now.
She would rather be out jogging
than in here cuddling with you?
Oh, it's... it's not like that.
Mm-hmm, OK, I understand.
I... I don't think you do.
You want to hear
something funny?
So yesterday, I was
in the grocery store,
and this man walks up to me,
and he asks me for my autograph.
Can you believe that?
Why did he want your autograph?
He thought that I
was a porn star.
Isn't that crazy?
He thought you were a porn star?
It's not that crazy.
Lots of men like porn stars.
OK, well, that's good to know.
Who's your favorite porn star?
I mean, I don't...
I don't... I don't know.
I... I don't really watch porn.
Don't lie.
Well, I mean, actually,
what I mean is, I...
it's just not what I'm
thinking about right now.
What were you thinking about?
Well, since you
asked, there's...
there's a giant Bigfoot
statue down the road,
and I guess it's got me
thinking about Bigfoot.
Oh, that would be
hot, Bigfoot porn.
Bigfoot would need
at least two women.
No, he would need at least
six women and two men.
OK, well, what I mean is that
they call this place Bigfoot
Mountain, and it kind of has me
wondering if he could be real.
Well, what do you think?
I... I don't know.
It's... you know, it's a
crazy legend, but you know,
you see people on TV.
I saw a guy on TV who
was describing it.
You know, he's claimed
to have seen Bigfoot,
and he says he has these
big, black eyes, and...
What else?
Well, said he smelled like shit.
Well, speaking of which,
I'm kind of grimy myself.
You mind if I use your shower?
I... I don't know.
It's... uh, I...
I don't... I don't...
Hey, um, can I
have one of those?
Um, sure.
Yeah, you need a light?
You all right?
Have you seen anything
weird around here?
What do you mean by, weird?
OK, like guys in cloaks.
Have you heard any chanting?
Uh, I haven't.
Is that something that
happens around here?
Um, have you... have you
seen anything that looks like
I mean, there's a
statue down the road,
but it's Bigfoot Mountain.
I mean, I think Bigfoot is
one of those things you have
to see to believe, you know?
Well, believe it
or not, last week,
Bigfoot killed my best friend.
And he almost killed me, too.
I'm sorry, but I really
need someone's help.
I really... I have to find him.
I have to do something
before he kills someone else.
So you want to find Bigfoot?
I, uh... I think I might be up
for a Bigfoot hunt, you know?
OK, good.
I just can't do it alone.
Well, uh, just let me
know what you need.
Are you staying here tonight?
Yeah, it's me and my girlfriend.
OK, well, I'll be back later.
OK, well, I'll be ready.
Let's find Bigfoot.
I'm serious.
I'm serious, too.
So uh, how... how
was your shower?
It could have been better.
You could have joined me
and soaped up my back.
Uh, you could go to
jail for shit like that.
I wouldn't tell.
Well, my... my girlfriend, she
could be back at any minute.
Maybe she really likes running.
Well, see...
Are you OK?
I have this kink.
Do you think you can
give me a back massage?
You look like you have
really strong hands.
Uh, they're not that strong.
They're fine.
Let's go.
That's... it's...
Show me what you got.
OK, come here.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's it right there.
You do have strong hands.
Oh, yeah.
So how... how's that?
Uh, I think my carpal
tunnel might be kicking in.
Don't fucking stop.
Yeah, mommy loves
this, oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah!
OK, OK, OK, I hear you.
I hear you.
Bigfoot hunting time?
What is it?
Don't you hear it?
The monks, they're chanting.
Bigfoot must be close.
Just listen.
Holy Satana, Holy Satana.
Oh, shit, I do hear it.
Uh, OK, that's fucked up.
Well, we have to find them.
OK, how do we do that?
Just follow the chanting.
All right, let's go
get these bastards.
Thank god, he's dead.
Holy shit.
Fuck you, fucking
son of a bitch!
Fuck, fucking Bigfoot!
How is that fucking Bigfoot?
Claude, what's wrong with you?
What happened to your hand?
Stay back.
Claude, what... what happened?
No, no, listen, he was so hot.
It was so worth it.
And his girlfriend?
She wasn't even here.
She was out jogging.
She doesn't care
about him at all.
So he's lucky that I
got there when I did,
because I'm so much
better than she is.
I mean, I don't even
know her, but I was here,
and she wasn't, so.
What the fuck was that?
I don't know.
There's something weird
happening outside my house.
Some kind of animal, I guess.
No, I do not feel bad.
I would do it again,
so let's talk about...
OK, there's seriously
something outside.
I need to go see what that is.
Um, I'll call you back.
Claude, is that you?
Back for more, obviously?
Jesus Christ, what?
Oh my god, fuck you, Bigfoot!
Go away!
Oh no!
Dear Lord, our savior,
please guide me
on this path to rid this
beast from this Earth,
this demon from this man, and
release his tortured soul.
As our savior, please help
me rid him of this demon
and cast it out where
it belongs back to hell.
Satan's beast, in the name
of God, leave this man!
Cast you out, demon.
You will obey the power of God!
Satan's beast, in the name
of God, leave this man.
I cast you out, demon.
Leave this Earth.
Go back to hell!
Satan's beast, get back!
Obey the power of God.
Satan's beast, you foul
creature, I casted you out,
you demon!
Satan's beast, obey.
Obey the power of God.
You foul beast,
stand in the cowl.
Obey the power of God!
Obey the power of God,
you Satan's beast,
you inhuman creature!
God have mercy on your soul.
Foul creature, I
cast you out, demon.
Obey the power of God!
Obey the power of God.
Obey the power of
God, you creature.
I cast you out, demon.
Thank you, Lord.
Thank you for delivering
us from this beast
and casting its
soul down into hell.
Thank you, Lord.
Thank you...
Good evening, friends.
This is Zoe Lenore, and I come
to you with breaking news.
There is a series of
brutal murders happening.
Most recently, the body of
a severely mutilated nun
was found on Monteagle Mountain.
Police have since
quarantined off the area,
and some speculate there's
some type of bigfooted monster
in the woods.
We hit the streets
to ask the burning
question... is Bigfoot real?
Do you have the
answers that could
lead to this creature's capture
and solve these brutal crimes?
I don't think there's a Bigfoot.
I know there's a Bigfoot.
Last summer, my fiance, Melvin,
rented us a cabin up there
on Bigfoot Mountain,
and we got there,
and he's a perfect
gentleman, so he said,
you sleep in the
bedroom, and I'm
going to sleep on the couch.
We went to sleep.
Middle of the night,
it was pitch black,
and I hear this thumping.
My door flings open, and there's
this beast standing there.
And he came over, and
ripped off my clothes,
and ravaged me over,
and over, and over.
Next morning, Melvin was
still asleep on the couch
and said, honey, did you
hear anything last night?
And he said, no, darling,
just shook his head.
Some people are trying to say
it was Melvin who assaulted me,
but I know it was Bigfoot.
Melvin was a perfect
gentleman, like I said before,
and he's going to be
the perfect husband.
I just wish he'd do something
about that damn hairy beard
of his.
You want to know what
I think of Bigfoot?
I think it's fake.
I think it's fake news.
It always has been,
always will be.
And you can quote
me on that forever,
because it is just
nothing but bullshit.
So sir, I just want to know,
do you think Bigfoot is real?
Right, there's no
such thing as Bigfoot.
We have hunters.
We have thousands of
hunters in the southeast.
They scour the woods.
They've seen every single little
crevice that you can imagine.
They've seen every creek.
They've... they've... they've
gone over every hill, every dale.
They've done it.
If there was a Bigfoot, they
would have found it by now.
It's been nothing but
a lie this whole time.
It's always been fake,
and all these people
who go around saying
that Bigfoot is real
are full of nothing but shit.
Uh, if you go to,
uh... to the Himalayas,
you've got idiots lining up to
die climbing up that mountain.
They're there.
They're there with
their cameras.
They're looking everywhere.
And that's where
supposedly the...
I think they call it Yeti
there as opposed to...
to Sasquatch or Bigfoot.
But you've got all
these areas that
say they've got a claim to it.
None of them have any evidence.
There's that really, really
grainy film that's probably
a guy wearing a stupid suit.
We don't need that.
Doesn't prove anything.
They can't demonstrate that.
It's just, there's no evidence.
I'm telling you, it's fake,
it's always been fake,
and I swear to you, you can
quote me on that forever!
At this point, there
have been so many eyes
put on this project, so
many people that have...
have had an opportunity
to look, and they
haven't found anything.
Eventually, you got
to throw up your hands
and say, no, we've had hunters.
We've had hikers.
We've had, well,
idiots that get lost.
Nobody's found a damn thing.
It's done.
There is no Bigfoot.
Bigfoot is nothing but bullshit.
It has been a lie
the whole time,
and all these people going
around saying, Bigfoot is real.
Oh, it's some scary
hairy monster,
and it's been going
on for so many years.
All I've heard about is this
Bigfoot creature my whole life.
It's been a lie this whole
time, and all these people
are full of shit and
nothing but shit.
They just... I don't
know what kind of alcohol
they've been drinking.
They're nothing but drunk
rednecks who don't know nothing
about nothing.
And I swear to God, I'm
sick of hearing these lies,
and you can quote
me on this forever.
You heard what my daughter said.
Anybody that thinks Bigfoot is
real is full of donkey doodoo.
There is no Bigfoot.